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Every December our attorneys advise us to review our stories from earlier in the year an issue appropriate retractions and possibly even apologies. Here are the stories published by Jockweb.com in 2007 that we would like to now retract:
*John Daly's drinking is not responsible for one of Britney Spears meltdowns
*Kobe Bryant did not have gay relations with each member of the Jockweb staff. Kyle from the mailroom doesn't swing that way.
*Maria Sharapova may or may not use $1,000 a bottle product on her female area. We've never even seen it.
*OJ Simpson is not attempting to contact his dead wife to act as a character witness at his new trial.
*Tiger Woods' wife is a wonderful woman. We're not retracting anything, we just don't want him to sue us.
*The NY Jets are still in the NFL. We don't know why, but they are.
*Barry Bonds was not caught injecting steroids into the buttocks of little leaguers.
*The NY Mets collapse did not cause one of Britney Spears meltdowns.
*I'm not sleeping with Lindsey Lohan. But it was fun while people thought I was.
*Cale Yarborough did not return to life as a zombie and eat the brains of Al Unser, Jr. In fact, we don't even know if Cale Yarborough is deceased or not. Frankly it's none of our business.
*Barry Bonds record setting home run did not make Baby Jesus cry...that we can confirm.
*Our article stating that Matt Millen hires illegal Mexican immigrants at Home Depot to act as the Lions' offensive line is a half truth.
*Jockweb.com did not make a hostile takeover attempt to acquire the Texas Rangers. Not the baseball team, at least.
*The American Nazi Party Bowl was never a viable option for renaming the Sugar Bowl.
*Hilary Clinton is NOT a retired racehorse. As far as we know, she never actually retired.
*Oprah Winfrey is not looking to purchase the Chicago Cubs to get them more in touch with their feelings.
*USC and Florida are not in open competition to see who pays their athletes more.
*Not all NASCAR fans are redneck hicks. Not all redneck hicks are NASCAR fans. Who knew?
*John Madden did not win a Nobel Prize for his work in developing and advancing Tinactin Antifungal products for athlete's foot, jock itch and ringworm.
*Jockweb Staff writer Shecky Sheckstein did not replace Falcon's quarterback Joey Harrington after halftime of the Saints game
*Jim Tressel's sweater vest does not give him special powers.
*We've been instructed to retract our investigative report stating that cheerleaders are the most useless thing at a football game. But for the life of us we can't think of anything more usless.
*Olympic swimmer Amanda Beard will NOT be posing for Screw, Hump or Leather Fetish magazines.
*Apparently fencing is a sport with swords. We did not know that.
*Tony Parker did not have an illicit affair with a French model. We were only hoping he did. It would have been funny to us.
*Barack Obama was not approached to take over head coaching duties at Michigan.
*We would like to disassociate ourselves from the submitted editorial about Mike Vick entitled 'Dog fights are bad, Cat fights are hot'