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Ask Randy, the Sports
Psychologist* Dear Randy, I'm turning to you because I've been to over two hundred doctors and mental health professionals and no one seems to be able to help me. The problem is this: I have this fetish and I love smelling dirty socks. I can't stop. That's all I ever want to do and it's the only time I'm happy. But it sort of gets in the way of some other life activities, like eating, working, reproducing. Any suggestions? Eddie Dear Eddie, That is really f***ed up. I wish I could help you but I'm a sports psychologist and I don't know much about psychology. I guess if you really want to stop this sock smelling thing, you could cut your feet off. That way you wouldn't need socks and you just sort of stop smelling your socks and hobble to work or something. That's just off the top of my head but I'll give it some thought and get back to you. Randy Dear Randy, I look in the mirror and I see a 90lb. weakling. I lift, I drink protein shakes, but I still hate my body. Do you think I'm one of those guys with body dysmorphia? Francis Dear Francis, Embrace your inner muscle boy. You may be 90lbs. but with inner confidence you can kick anyone's ass. Just repeat over and over, "I can kick anyone's ass" until you feel so confident that you can just go up the meanest looking guy in town and kick his ass. This is how positive affirmations work. Repeat over and over and then act. You might want to have a gun in your back pocket just in case I'm wrong. Randy Dear Randy, I'm a Olympic gymnast and I have a slight problem. I can't understand a word of what my coach tells me. Should I come out and say, "Bella, what the f*** are you talking about or should I just shake my head politely and hope I can tumble my way to greatness? Alicia, Beijing Dear Alicia, Here is a toll free number for some ESL (That's English As A Second Language) classes. 1-800-222-6953. Many Americans can't speak English but that's what makes our country great. When someone does not speak our language we can't understand the hurtful things they must be saying about us like, "You're a bitch" or "You're a c***s****er!" Wow, I'd hate to be called that, wouldn't you? Randy Dear Randy, I've retired recently from professional sports. Actually I threatened to retire maybe about two hundred times and then I finally announced my retirement during a teary-eyed press conference. It was really sad but I changed my mind. I want to un-retire but my team says they don't want me back. They want to move on without me. How should I handle this? Brett, Green Bay Dear Brett, One time I was in a bar and there was this amazingly hot woman sitting across the bar. I told the bartender to buy her a drink on me. When he told her I was buying her a drink, she ordered one of those really expensive drinks, you know, the ones with like lots of fancy chick liquors that cost a lot of money. Anyway the drink costs me like $26.75 or something and that was my spending money for the whole week. To make a long story short, she had her drink and she left the bar. She never said thank you or anything. And needless to say, I didn't get anything for my $26.75. As painful as it was, I had to move on. I hope this helps. Randy Dear Randy, My father says "Sport Psychologist" is a bull-shit profession. He says there is no such thing and that you're an asshole. Gary Coleman Dear Gary, Are you the Gary Coleman from that TV show? Yeah, the little guy who's like 45-years old and you still look like you're 7? Yeah, I remember, two black kids get taken in by like a middle-aged rich white guy? That Gary Coleman? Wow, I sure hope it's the same Gary Coleman, cause I think that show ruled. Randy Dear Randy, I'm in the middle of the bad case of the yips. Standing over a short putt makes my knees buckle and oftentimes, I pee myself. Any suggestions? Rocco, Pennsylvania Dear Rocco, This is very common particularly among older golfers. Peeing yourself is just a natural part of growing older. A lot more people than you think are peeing themselves and it's just not standing over a short putt. If you stand at a supermarket, you'd be surprised how many perfectly normal people are buying "adult diapers." In fact sometimes I stand there in amazement like when a really good looking woman buys them and I say in surprise, "Are they for you?" And the woman sheepishly replies, "No there for my father." I wink and say, "Yes, I understand," but I realize that this really attractive woman has probably just peed herself while talking to me. So don't worry about it. Line up with everyone else an strap on some protection. Randy Dear Randy, What's your take on male body image stuff? Like these really muscle bound macho guys always flexing in front of full length mirrors. Do you think they are compensating for their short penises? Long John Dong, Taiwan Dear Long John, That is a very original take on the whole male body image problem. I've never quite heard that kind of explanation for these types of guys that we all see in gyms, weight rooms, and health clubs. So let me see if I've understood your thesis. What you're saying is that these really overdeveloped, narcissitic assholes are just covering up for their really teeney weeney peckers? This is an amazing theory and I think there's a publication here for you somewhere. Great groundbreaking work, Long John! Randy Dear Randy, I bought a treadmill but I can't seem to get motivated to get on it. Any advice? Biff Dear Biff, ' Those friggin' things scare the shit out of me. Man, every time I get near one, I fall on the ground. I hope you saved your receipt. Take it back right away and take your money and get a hot tub. Randy
Dear Randy, My life is completely in the toilet. All I want is someone to love me. IF something doesn't happen soon I may have to end it all. But before I do, are you able to score some tickets for NCAA March Madness? Todd Dear Todd, That is one tough ticket to get. Sorry to add to your troubles but I'm a no-go. Randy Dear Randy, I'm 35 years old and I'm 7'1'' tall. I've had a good NBA career . But I'm a little concerned that I may be facing the end of my basketball days and I don't think I'm psychologically prepared for retirement. Can you help me? S.O., Miami Dear S.O., I'll tell what is really good stuff for this kind of thing. Icy Hot. They've got this like wrap you can put on your head. It's like eating six jalopenos and your head gets really hot and then you don't think of much more than like, "Hey, my f***ing head is burning up." And then you don't think about anything else. Good luck! Randy Dor Ardyn, u mns ty fwiz gyb ax bbb ll khhhh. gdfwe, iopuy
Dear Gdfwe, Yes, I agree, you probably do have a concussion from playing professional football. And this is to be taken seriously. Concussions left untreated can lead to many serious complications like not being able to effectively communicate in the spoken or written word. Randy Dear Randy, Recently I got caught fixing games while officiating in the NBA. I've plead guilty and it looks like I won't serve any jail time. I'm thinking about betting on some MLB games this evening because I'm so damn bored being stuck in the house while the judge decides my case. Do you think I have a gambling problem? Tim, Florida Dear Tim, Your case sounds vaguely familiar. You didn't use to play hockey did you? IS this the case where you betted with Wayne Gretzky's wife? IS she still as hot as she used to be? Could maybe you introduce me to her? I'm all kinds of sweaty thinking about her. Randy Dear Randy, I'm writing to you because I'm desperate. My wife recently left with the kids. I'm in debt to everyone including some mob guys I borrowed some money to cover some bets at, may I add, some pretty unfair interest rates. I can't eat and I haven't slept in weeks. Please Randy, can you help? - Eddie, Bloomfield, NJ Dear Eddie, Like I tell everyone, you have to re-frame the negative into a positive. But then again, it sounds like you're not going to find your way of this. When you piss off those mob guys, you can bet your toast. My advice, tune in to a MLB game. At least you'll get a few hours sleep. Randy Dear Randy, I'm a thirty year old motorcycle enthusiast. Recently, I experienced a slight mishap and lost an arm, a leg, and three inches of my penis. I'm a little apprehensive about telling my wife about the penis thing. Can you maybe give me some advice on this? Shorty, Bodine
Dear Shorty, I say climb right back on that motorcycle. You won't need a longer penis to keep driving by you'll need big balls. And then tell your wife to focus on the size of your nuts. Randy Dear Randy, I want to be a figure skater more than anything else is the whole world. My wife thinks it's not a realistic dream. How can I convince her otherwise? Bob, Rockville
Dear Bob, Figure skating requires balance, endurance, and damn good ear for music. Tell your wife that she committed on the day she married you to love and support you as her partner for life. A marriage can't work unless two people fully embrace and support each other's dreams. Randy Dear Randy, Let me explain a few things about myself. First, I belong to an exclusive...
Dear Sir, That's enough said. You look like a complete dildo. You're an embarrassment to your family, yourself, and mostly to the God who created you. Dressing up like an old Scotsman means only one thing, you've got too much money and too much time on your hands! Randy P.S. Don't take this personally. I'm just trying to be professional. Dear Randy, I'm a swimmer and when I'm on the starting blocks, I look down and I see my bulge. When I compare it to the other swimmers on the blocks, I feel inadequate. Any suggestions? Tiny Tom, Duluth
Dear Tiny, Wow, that's tough one. Sorry, that's one of those things that has plagued us since the caveman. Lakopakamania, or fear of a small package. All I can say is look straight ahead and use mental imagery. Imagine yourself hung like a porn star. Randy Dear Randy, Sometimes I can just be a complete dick. Like when I say lots of stupid things. Like just about everyday. Like I just say stupid things and act like a dick. Can you help me? Bode
Dear Bode, Stop saying stupid things and being a dick. And if you do that you'll probably stop saying stupid things and being a dick. Randy P.S. How does a dick like you score a nice babe like her? Should I learn how to ski and be a dick? Dear Randy, I'm an adult who enjoys an active lifestyle. Lately I've been experiencing some bladder control issues. I've very depressed about it. I wear some protective gear when I play but I'm struggling. Any advice? Old Dave, Trotter Field, OH
Dear Old Dave, One thing is for sure, you're old. And bladder control problems visit everyone someday. Your day has come. What the hell are you doing in a baseball uniform. You look ridiculous. Get yourself a rocking chair and an afghan and rock for chrissakes. That's your job goddamnit! Randy Dear Randy, I'm a competitive fisherman. I go after big game fish for money. Unfortunately, in my last 17 tournaments, the big game fish are avoiding me. What's going on? Fisherman Bob, Fidget Bay
Dear Fisherman Bob, Fish are just like people. They like upbeat, fun, high energy folks. I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this, but your look is all wrong for big game fish. Try just fishing in a speedo bathing suit. Fish will notice and start hanging around your boat. Randy
Dear Randy, My boyfriend pays zero attention to me. All he does is watch sports all day on cable. I'm leaving him. Do you think I'm fat? I think I'm fat. Greta, Providence, RI P.S. Here's my picture. Really am I too fat?  Dear Greta, In my professional opinion you are suffering from a disorder. I'd like you to come to my office for several weeks. They will be no charge for the consultation. What kind of wine do you like? Randy Dear Randy, I'm a weightlifter and I lift very heavy weights. I grunt a lot when especially when I try to lift let's say 700 lbs and my nuts are about to pop out of my scrotum. Sometimes a lot of gas comes out too during a big lift. Do you think this is keeping the girls at the gym away from me? Vaselev Gorbochev, Moscow
Dear Vaselev, You're a terrific looking guy and I can't think of a gal that wouldn't want to take you home to Mom and Dad and say, "Mom, Dad, this is Vaselev and I want to spend the rest of my life with him." But seriously, you going to need those nuts so take it easy. Randy Dear Randy, I train horses for a living. I've always been able to keep my job and my personal life seperate. But lately it's been difficult. I've been training a very special horse and he likes me and I like him. It's more than just a trainer-horse relationship. I think there's something there. Have you ever heard of anything like that? Horse Whipped in Idaho P.S. I'm enclosing a picture. Isn't he beautiful?
Dear Horse Whipped, Other than the legendary stories of shepherds fooling around with sheep, I'm sure there are a lot of these weird situations all over the animal kingdom. But if I were you I'd be careful. A long term relationship with a horse is going to cost you. I imagine you won't get invited to too many places with a horse and think of how much they eat. Mabye you should consider being a shepherd. Randy Dear Randy, I am from Kenya and I run marathons. Ever since I was a boy in the mountains of Kenya I have had to run. Every day we run and run and run. And everyone says, "hey look at those Kenyans run and run." I hate running. Am I crazy? Kip Keino Dear Kip, Running sucks. Running really long distances sucks worse. Running long distances in the mountains sucks but unfortunately we call that a cultural norm. I'm afraid you're stuck with it. Keep running and try to imagine that you're Egyptian. It's pretty flat in Egypt. Randy Dear Randy, I'm having terrible time with procrastination. I can't seem to get started on anything. I just don't seem to be motivated to do anything? Do you have any advice for me? Lupie, Juarez Dear Lupie, I'll get back to you tomorrow. I promise. Randy Dear Randy, I'm a frequent reader of your column but a first time writer. I'm a center on a NFL team. I'm 6'4" and 290 lbs. Lately, (actually it's been for some time) when the quarterback puts his hands under me while waiting for the ball, I'm having some confusing feelings. Is this normal? Anonymous (if this gets around to anyone, I swear to guy I'll crush your f%^&in head) Dear Anonymous, Your secret is safe with me. I subscribe to a strict Code of Ethics as laid down in the American Association of Psychology handbook p.63 paragraph 4 lines 14-19, "Blowing the whistle on people who confess weird sexual stuff is strictly prohibited." Back to your question. It's not normal. You really should be concentrating on blocking someone. While you're feeling excessive blood flow to the groin, your friggin halfback is getting nailed to the ground. Randy Dear Randy, I read that several Chinese herbs are very effective in enhancing athletic performance. Where do you stand on this? Ho Shi, Shanghai Dear Ho Shi, I'm all for the Chinese. There is a fabulous take-out near my house and I can tell you, their General Tsao Chicken is to die for. Now whether or not I'd eat before the Boston Marathon is another question. But after I have Chinese I usually want to take a nap. Randy Dear Randy, I was wondering, can a sport psychologist predict the future? I bet my friend Stu that you could. If you can, do you think I'll ever find a woman to love. Ned Dear Ned, I'm a sports psychologist. We sports psychologists deal with the mental aspects of sport. Predicting the future is more the purvey of the occultist. But as a favor to you Ned, I will try and predict the future. Judging from the picture you sent in, you most likely will not meet a woman. In five years I predict you'll be hanging out at the Joyce Kilmer Rest Stop on the New Jersey Turnpike probably for the better part of a day. People will suspect that you are some sort of weirdo and will avoid using a urinal in your presence. They will get back in their cars and drive 17 miles further hoping that you'll not be in the Men's Room when they get there. Randy Dear Randy, I'm a middle aged guy who you might say is a little out of shape. I'm at the crossroads of life and can't decide whether I should obsessively work out and try to recapture some of my youth or continue to drink and eat until I'm cast as a Roseanne Barr double. Neurotic Neil in Newfoundland Dear Neil, I think Roseanne Barr is one of the true geniuses of modern day comedy. Her take on the constant struggle of women to overcome the injustices of being a housewife is both insightful and a significant contribution to establishing global justice. Eat and drink as much as you please. Obsessive images of a younger body are clearly overrated and chances are you were uglier than you remember. Randy Dear Randy, I have a problem with choking during really big moments in a game. Can you help? Bob Gagne, Jasper, Wyoming Dear Bob, It's probably a good idea to have someone handy who knows that Heney Maneuver. I took a first aid course but I'll be damned if I remember what the hell you do if someone swallows a fish bone or something. If memory serves me correct, if you're choking and no one's around, you run as fast as you can into an immovable object and whatever is stuck is supposed to pop out. Good luck. And don't eat during the game. Randy Dear Randy, I've injected HGH continually for several years. I'm bigger than Arnold Schwarzeneggar in his prime. Unfortunately, it's affected my mood. I've had radical mood swings where in a rage I've killed some relatives. In particular, I beat my grandmother who lives with us because she was eating too slow and it really got under my skin. My question to you is, do you think you could testify on my behalf that I was temporarily insane due the side effects of taking steroids? Barry, San Francisco Dear Barry, That sounds like fun. That could be like that show with William Shatner. Not Star Trek, the other one where he plays the fat lawyer. Okay, I'll do it. But I have to warn you, people don't like me. For some reason, I rub people the wrong way. But I'll tell the jury we're friends and that when you're not on the juice, you're a born-again Christian. Randy Dear Randy, Recently I broke my leg in a sporting accident. Being a horse, I'm a little concerned that I've seen people standing over me with shotguns. Do you think there is such a place as horse heaven? Recovering Racehorse Dear Recovering, From what I hear, if you're a horse and you break a leg, I'd say it's time for saying Hail Marys on your fingers. Since you're a horse, you could probably just get away with a Hail Mary per hoof. But I'd get into prayer mode ASAP. As far as heaven goes, what the hell is a horse going to do for eternity? BUT I would like to compliment you on your email. For a horse, you have excellent computer skills and great sentence construction. Randy Dear Randy, I'm a professional jockey and I'm going to run in the Kentucky Derby. I'm writing to you because I've never told anyone but I'm afraid of horses. Like when the horsey goes really fast, I want to get off but I can't because the horsey is really running fast. Can you help me with some sport psychology stuff? Eduardo, Louisville Dear Eduardo, I understand perfectly. I once was at a carnival and my father put me up on a horse and even though it was only fifty cents for one walk around a circle, I shit my pants, I was so scared. Of course, you're supposed to run in the Kentucky Derby and someone stands to make a lot of money if you win. If you don't win, there's going to be a lot of angry sort of mob types that have bet a ton of money that you would win. So I guess your choices are, get on the horsey and ride or have a guy name Guido break your legs. Randy Dear Randy, I wrote to Al Krumlish at Kid's Korner about an incident on a school bus where my coach made me crap in a plastic bag cause there was no bathroom on the bus. It was a rather painful experience. As a sports psychologist, can you help me understand and cope with this humiliation? Red Faced, Sore Assed in Texas Dear Red Faced, I read Al's comments on your situation and can only say Al Krumlish is one of the most insightful sports journalist I know. What psychology teaches us is to re-frame a negative into a positive. Like Al said, you could have shit your pants. Take it from someone who still wets the bed and has occasional bowel management problems. Peeing in a coffee cup or crapping in a shopping bag beats the daylights out of sitting on a load for a two hour ride back home. Randy Dear Randy, I hear that hypnosis can really help an athlete get focused. Have you ever used it? David C., Copperfield, NY Dear David, Hypnosis is a a lot of fun. I really like hypnotizing people and then having them give me all of their personal information, like bank account numbers. And then when you snap your fingers they forget they gave you the info and you're off to the races. This one time, I was working a bachelor-ette party and I hypnotized about 15 women. I'm not even going to go into it, but we had some fun. At least, I did. Yeah, go hypnosis! Randy Dear Randy, Where do you weigh in on trash talking? Do you think it's a valid psychological weapon? Joey, Pittsburgh Dear Joey, If you're over 300 lbs. and built like a brick shithouse and you can intimidate 99.9% of the entire male population, I say do it. If you're under 150 lbs., skinny, and you don't have 10 guys standing behind you with .357 magnums, I'd say keep your mouth shut. Randy Dear Randy, Can you define for me the sport's term, "choking?" And how can I stop? Donovan, Philadelphia
"Choking" is when you want to put you hands around the throat of an asshole and squeeze the shit out of them. In terns of sport, I never heard the term. But if you know an asshole, don't choke them, you can get in a lot of trouble. Let someone else choke the asshole. Randy Dear
Randy, -Blue on Blue in LA Dear
Blue on Blue, -Randy
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