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Kid’s Korner with Al Krumlish Dear Al, My dad is making me wrestle. I really hate it. I don't know, there's just something about rolling around on a mat with a sweaty guy that turns me off. Trupert, Biloxi Dear Trupert, You make a good point. Wrestling with a swarthy guy can be a turn-off especially if the swarthy guy has bad breath. And there's no points for being embraced by a guy with bad breath. And chances are the guy has some bad body odor going on too. Which certainly points to an overall lack of good hygiene which sort of leaves you holding the bag. Personally I would wrap myself in Saran Wrap or possibly as my opponent to use an industrial strength disinfectant before the match. Either way we're looking for some germ protection in this ridiculous thing we call a sport. Al
And just what if this little opponent isn't potty trained? We've got a major health hazard on our hands. Dear Al, I love soccer except that my mother gets a little too excited at games and screams and yells at everyone. It's kind of embarrassing when you mom yells out bad words at the refs. Do you have any advice? Nate, Rockhart, Maine Dear Nate, Sometimes when moms yell out bad words it can be a good thing. Sometimes it means they're really happy and enjoying themselves. Someday, it'll all make sense to you. Maybe it would be helpful if I met your mom. I could come over and maybe she would yell out those dirty words and I could see if they're really bad or not. Please send me a specific address and directions. I never mind helping out in these kinds of situations. Al Dear Al, I'm a really good croquet player. Do you have any suggestions about what kind of future I might have as a professional? Ricky, Dontlosethatnumber, Maryland Dear Ricky, Is that the game with the little hard ball you whack around your backyard at family picnics when like you're bored as shit with the in-laws? Jesus, that's a cruel game. Once I took that hammer-like stick, what's it called, a mallet? Yeah, that's it, a mallet. I wanted to beat the living shit out of my mother-in-law because she always puts mustard in the potato salad instead of mayonaise. She says it's an old-family recipe. Well I'll tell you one thing Ricky, it tastes like shit. But she raves and raves about her potato salad to the point where I just want to slug her across the mouth with a mallet. Some day, you'll understand these things. Al Dear Al, Since you're a big kind of know-it-all sports guy, do you think you could introduce me to Jessica Simpson? I think she's special. Todd's brother, Tad, Poughdeepsie Dear Tad, As the song says, "If you want to be happy for the rest of your life never make a pretty woman your wife, if you want my personal point of view, get an ugly girl to marry you..." Tad, these are words to live by. We can only imagine that after a few rides on the horse, that Jessica becomes old hat, if you understand my meaning. Then, like Tony Romo, you are stuck with this really hot looking but bitchy woman. Okay, you caught me Tad. Yes, I am justifying the fact that I'll never ride the horsey and yes, I did marry ugly. Al Dear Al, Did you ever sleep with Barbara Walters? Todd, Poughdeepsie Dear Todd, Yes, and I'm not proud of it. When I was first starting out in the business, it was customary to sleep your way to the top. I'm sad to tell you, that Barbara Walters held me hostage for three days in a small flea bag hotel outside of Vegas where she forced me to pleasure her repeatedly. Todd, the lesson you have to keep in mind, is that sometimes our things have to be sacrificed if you want to get ahead. Al Dear Al, Fishing season opened yesterday. Do you think fishing is a sport? Cause I caught like five trout yesterday and I think I'm a pretty good fisherman. So does that make me a good athlete? Georgie, Bakerstown
Dear Georgie, You're a kid. What the hell are you doing fishing? That is the stupidest activity known to man. You put a worm on a piece of metal, you lower it in the water and a fish bites it? That's a sport? And whacking your puddin' is sex? Al Dear Al, What's your take on Easter bunny? Is he the real deal or what? Jenny Dear Jenny, Absolutely, the Easter bunny is the greatest. You got to love a oversized rabbit who can get in and out of your house undetected and leave some quality chocolate. Though I must confess, I fear for the critter with all of these NRA guys jacked up with shotguns, it's only a matter of time till someone shoots the shit out of this holiday. Al
Now if this bunny comes to my house with chocolate, Al knows there's a God! Dear Al, Recently I took up skateboarding. After a couple of tries, I'm pretty darn good. I'm thinking about skateboarding down the side of the Empire State Building to get in the Guinness Book of Records. Do you know how much it costs to get to the top of the Empire State Building? Toby Dear Toby, I've got a better idea. You down a couple of Guinesses with some qualludes and you pretty much experience the same thrill as skating down the side of the building. Besides, that Guinness book of records is mostly bullshit. Al
Al, that's me in the middle. Dear Al, I'm a 22-year old figure skater who has won several gold medals but people say I'm just a big kid. So I thought I'd write to you because your column is called, Kid's Korner. Isn't that something? Johnny, Denver Dear Johnny, I think I know who you are. And I'm pretty sure you're the guy/gal or whatever you are, who we politely call "flamboyant." Let's just leave boy or boys out of it for everyone's safety. Al Dear Al, Recently I became an altar boy in my Church and it's been great. Father O'Malley takes me to lots of ball games and buys me whatever I want. When do you think I'll get a chance to serve? Timmy, Boston Dear Timmy, Well, Timmy, all I can say is be patient. It takes a lot of practice to be a really good altar boy. In the meantime, Boston is having a hellava year there with the Red Sox, Pats, and Celtics. I say, just the enjoy all the free sports. Just make sure you're sitting in close proximity to one of Boston's finest. And Timmy, whatever you do, don't go back to the rectory. Al Dear Al, I have a puppy who likes to chew on things. Do you think I should let him fight with other dogs and take bets on the outcome of his fights? Sparky, Hampton News
Dear Sparky, Dog fighting is a great way to have you puppy meet other dogs and it's a great way to pick up some spending money. Don't listen to all of those people who say it's immoral and cruel while they talk with their mouth full of steak and chicken that were too, once upon a time, little harmless critters. Al Dear Al, I'm having a terrible time seeing the ball this season. Do you think I might need glasses? Donald, Tampa
Dear Donald, Yes, an optometrist is your friend. A simple eye exam can determine if you indeed have a vision problem. Unlike the dentist, a trip to the optometrist is painless. Don't you worry about a thing. You're gonna come out of this thing a winner. Al
Dear Al, Do you think I look like Adolf Hitler, Avery Schriver (remember the guy from the Doritos commercial?), or Rollie Fingers? Julio, Cintas, NM
Dear Julio, Dressing up in clothes an a rainy afternoon is fun and a good way to pass the time. But frankly I worry about the fact that you're a cute little guy but who the hell is buying your clothes? Al
Dear Al,
Dear Billy, Today, you are a man! Al Dear Al, My daughter has been taking human growth hormone. She wants to get stronger for cheerleading competitions. She says it's just like taking vitamins. What's the difference between a human growth hormone and vitamins. Lost in St. Louis
Dear Lost, I don't want to be the one who breaks this to you but you're little missy is in the process of development. That means buds. Buds turn to breasts. Breasts turn to jugs. Horny adolescent boys drool over jugs. In short, as a father, you'll be staying up nights worrying about...well I just leave it at that. Al Dear Al, My Dad is a mountain climber. He wants to take me along with him mountain climbing but I'm resisting. What excuse can I give him so I don't have to go? Lindsey, Jackson Hole
Dear Lindsey, These mountain climbing types are friggin' wacko. For starters, tell him that you're still in diapers and as a two year old, you don't have the balance to walk across a room, never mind a 14,000 ft. peak. Tell him to try climbing a legitimate mountain in Kashmir and then maybe he'll get caught in some Indian-Pakistani crossfire. Al
Dear Al, Things have been going pretty bad for me lately. My Dad ran off with the brick pointer and Mom is heavily into crack and Jerry Springer and I just shot 1 for 16 in my hoop game. Al, I just want to end it all. Toby, Horvath
Dear Toby, I don't blame you one bit. Your Dad ran off with the brick pointer? My Dad ran off with the Roto Rooter man so I can relate somewhat. Let me tell you this Toby, if you're gonna end it all, you gotta use something else other than a plastic fork. You might get a superficial flesh wound with that thing in your hand, but you're gonna need a gun to do the job right. Al Dear Al, What's the expression? You can't put a square hole into a round peg? or You can't put a round peg into a square hole? It's got me baffled. Timmy, Lakeland
Dear Timmy, That's dogged me forever too. I know one thing, you ain't going far on that f%^&ing bike of yours. Al Dear Al, My brother and I like to go out on weekends and hunt gators. We can sniff'em out then we like to shoot'em with a bow and arrow. Do you think we can get a show on "Animal Planet?" Nancy and Mike, Liquordale
Dear Nancy and Mike, I think the idea is to kind of wrestle with the thing for a bit. Mabye tickle his tummy. People think tickling the stomach of a thousand pound pre-historic reptile, who can devour your leg with one chomp, is a cute show and usually gets good ratings. Shows where the host go out and kill these animals just give producers big hemmorroids from those PETA folks. I'd say your chances are slim to none unless you lose a leg or something. Al P.S. Check the spelling on "hemmorroids." I got'em but I could never spell'em. Dear Al, I have this aunt and every year she gets me a lame, cheap present for Christmas and tries to convince me that it's really cool. Like last year, she got me this shitty plastic thing and said it was the same kind of baseball bat the Yankees use. Does she just think I'm an idiot or something? Casey, Yonkers
Dear Casey, What the hell kind of bat is that? That wouldn't pass for a toy in Bangladesh. There's an idea, get your cheapo aunt a one way ticket to Bangladesh. It's hot as shit there at Christmas. Come to think of it, they're all Muslims. There's a thought, Christmas in a hot, muggy Muslim country. Al Dear Al, I'm 11-years old and I don't like sports. Kids make fun of my hobby which is dress design. I'd rather sketch dress patterns and work with fashion models than play with a bat and ball. Is there something wrong with me? Toby, Staten Island
Dear Toby, I'd rather sketch dress patterns and work with fashion models. Playing with a bat and ball is overrated. You got a grand future. Enclosed are some of my own sketches. If you can introduce me to some of your model friends I'll consider us even. Al Dear Al, Mine is a two part question. First, can you recommend a good Russian tutor? And second, what kind of grip would you recommend for my tennis racket? Teddy, Flushing Meadows
Dear Teddy, There's nothing more gratifying than a youngster with an intellectual thirst but at the same time is well rounded and can knock around on a field or court. I know some Russian and right now I'm gripping my racket. Al Dear Al, I was trying to fall asleep last night but I was so anxious because I'm in a championship soccer game on Saturday and boy am I nervous. Anyway, as I was laying there I got to thinking. Do you think Rosie O'Donnell ever had sex with Boy George? Larry, Tempe, AZ
Dear Larry, You sick friggin' kid. Go to the medicine cabinet. See those pill call NYTOLS, take like thirty of those right now. No, I mean right now! Al Dear Al, I've been wondering how come if we stuff shit up a turkey's ass we call it Thanksgiving but if I stuff something up your ass, it's called sodomy? Bill Pilgrim, Plymouth
Dear Bill, Great question. I think you answered your own question. Should you be giving thanks that someone is stuffing something up your ass? Al Dear Al, I'm taking some heat from the kids at school during gym class. I'm not sure I'm fitting in. Tommy, Feggles, IL
Dear Tommy, If it's Tommy as in Thomas, I'm getting the picture loud and clear. First, lose the skirt. And judging by the girls in your class, wow, get some glasses too. Are you going to school in some kind of time warp? The last time I saw a plaid skirt, Elvis was alive.Wait a minute. I'm getting it. A clever ruse Tommy boy? Into the shower room, no questions asked. You devil. Al Dear Al, I'm a ten year old boy and I have a problem. My Dad wants me to be a hockey player and has spent thousands of dollars on equipment and travel with the hope that someday I'll play in the NHL. I, on the other hand, like to spend time in front of the mirror pretending to be legendary singer, Tom Jones. I lip synch such hits as "What's New Pussycat?" and imagine throngs of horny women throwing undergarments at me. Is there something wrong with me? Unusual, Green Grass, Kentucky Dear Unusual, Tom Jones said it best when he said, "It's not unusual...whatever the words were. The point is you have a choice here. Get pelted by oversized Canadians and Europeans in a NHL game with no one interested OR sing, swivel your hips and seduce thousands of middle aged women like that suave Welch guy. You seem like an intelligent, insightful kid to me. Let that hair grow on your chest, unbutton that shirt, and gyrate. Al
Dear Al, Recently my Dad took me to a football game but he bought really cheap seats and they were far away from the action. I couldn't see real well and I wasn't that interested in the game. My Dad was hurt because he thought taking me to a exciting professional game would be great for father-son bonding. I tried to tell him that I had more fun at the game than he could ever imagine. I'm enclosing a picture of me in the cheap seats. Do you think my Dad will ever stop being mad at me? Georgie, Tampa Bay
Dear Georgie, I've always said that kids never cease to amaze me. The fact that you are resourceful and can find creative ways to keep your attention focused makes you an ideal son. Most of the time when you take kids to a game they fidget and bug the shit out of you the whole time for junk food, costing the parent hundreds of dollars. You, Georgie, are a hellava kid and took advantage of an opportunity for a life lesson. I wish you were my son. Al P.S. Did you get a name and number? Dear Al, I just finished a stint as a U.S. Congressman. I think I did a hellava job for my congressional district but I got run out of town on some stupid allegations that I sent inappropriate emails to adolescent pages. I assure you Al, I'm an upright guy. Do you think I could land a coaching job somewhere? Mark, Florida Dear Mark, Al doesn't vote. Al doesn't read the paper. Al thinks the world's going to hell in a hand basket. Al
Dear Al, I see these male enhancement ads all the time. I'm making good money on my paper route. Do you think it's money well spent if I sort of get a head start on the whole business? Danny, 11, Battle Creek, MI Dear Danny, We're living in a culture that constantly assaults our sense of self-esteem. Penile size has no connection to finding love and fulfillment. You might be saying, 'But Al, you're a big guy, it's easy for you to say that.' And you're right, it is easy for me to say that. And you know in ten to fifteen years, penile size will probably make or break your self concept. Better spring for a three month supply than be sorry later. Al Dear Al, I'm eight years old and I play soccer. Should I be wearing a cup? Ronnie, from Albany Dear Ronnie, Ronnie, probably one of the most important things a young man can learn is to take care of the meat and potatoes. Next to your parents and your favorite stuffed animal, your genitalia is your best friend. You take care of it, it will take care of you. Even if you need to find it with a magnifying glass, for God's sake, protect yourself. Al Dear Al, I'm a young football player. During practice the coach ask me to hold the tackling dummy on every play. Then he lets all of the players run full speed into the dummy and hit me over and over again. I'm getting really diazzzzzzzzzaaaaiii enddd I hav tubbl rihhtin. Whaaaa shu i due... Grrrrrrrrrrreeeeg Dear Greg, Remember it takes a team playing together to make a champion. Obviously the coach thinks you're one heck of a dummy holder. Keep the eye on the prize. Remember brain damage in football is much slower than in a sport let's say like boxing. And don't forget there are lots of government programs to help the mentally challenged. Al Dear Al, Recently I've decided that I'd like to quit football and become a cheerleader. There's something about a skirt and pom-poms that excites me. Do you think I should tell my dad? Apprehensive in Abilene Dear Apprehensive, No, I wouldn't tell him. You're in Texas right? I'd just let him show up at a game and let him witness you going through your routine with the other cheerleaders. Sometimes, what parents don't know should be delayed as long as possible. Al Dear Al, I've been getting lots of spam mail with advertisements for products that promise greater sexual performance. Have you ever tried any of these products and where do you weigh in on the use of said products for a kid my age? Billy, Menlo Park Dear Billy, I've never been accused of having mensa like intelligence but my intuition tells me, you're a tad older than the normal kid who writes in. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say you're probably a derelict middle aged guy. The answer to your question is take a look at me. Do I look like I need pharmaceutical help in that department? Al Dear Al, Recently I called a local reporter by a derogatory name calling into question his sexuality. When I was a kid in the Dominican Republic, it was perfectly okay to call into question someone's sexuality when trying to get the upper insult hand in an argument. What's changed? Ozzie, Chicago Dear Ozzie, Calling someone a f#%^&^ or a q%^&* might be fine in the Dominican Republic because everyone speaks Spanish. Here in the United States we're extremely sensitive to the needs and feeling of all our citizens. Just take a ride down an inner city street and see how sensitive we are towards our poorest citizens. My recommendation is that if you are going to use f$%^& or q%^&* or any number of terms implying that the person has a proclivity toward the same sex, then try saying it in Spanish. Americans lag far behind the rest of the world in learning a second language. Chances are you'll be able to comfortably insult someone without fear of public outcry. Al Dear Al, My teacher keeps telling me if I don't behave, I'll end up in jail. What's the difference between jail and school? Toby -- Reading, Mass Dear Toby,
Dear Al, I'm coaching a little league team and recently after a win, I took the boys to a "Gentlemen's Club." Some of the parents vehemently objected, had me a arrested, generated a lot of bad publicity and a small jail sentence for corrupting the morals of minors. My question to you is, do you know any good lawyers? Shackled in Attica Dear Shackled, Do I know good lawyers? Don't worry, we'll have the someone down there immediately to bail you out. What the hell is the matter with parents today? I remember when strip joints were a rite of passage. It was like a Bar Mitzvah without the long ceremony. I think the term they throw around now is "age appropriate." What the hell does that mean? What's permissible these days? Hey kids, after the game we're going to listen to a YoYo Ma concert? Sit tight, Al's on the case. Al Dear Al, Recently, I was on the way home from a game on the school bus. I really had to go if you know what I mean. And there was no bathroom on the bus. My coach made me dump into a plastic shopping bag. Do you think this is good coaching? Red Faced, Sore Assed in Texas Dear Red Faced, I'd say that's one of the quickest damn minds in coaching. Let's look at his options here. Option 1, you crap your pants. You smell up the bus and kill team morale. Option 2, crap out the window. You could really hurt yourself, not to mention literally surprise the shit out of the driver behind probably causing a major vehicular pile up (no pun intended). Or Option 3, crap in a shopping bag. I'd say he's a goddamn John Wooden of a tactician. I'm drowning in those supermarket plastic bags and between curbing dogs and kids, it's the best recycling program we've got going. Al Dear Al, I volunteered to coach a t-ball team this season. Any suggestions on some drills to keep the little pests under control? Coach Bill, Kahulawassee Dear Coach Bill, Are you out of your f%^&*in mind? T-ball? Coaching t-ball? You don't coach t-ball, you baby sit for high stressed yuppie parents, who drop the kid off as early as possible, go home have a few drinks and hope that you'll adopt their kid. Call up whoever you told that you would volunteer, and tell them you woke up and you've got a cold beer and a lap dance waiting for you somewhere other than the t-ball field. Dear Al, I'm really excited about playing spring soccer. Did you ever play soccer? Butch from Dover Dear Butch, Just change you name to Pierce or Wilton or some other wein-ey soccer name. With a name like Butch, you oughta be eating fouth graders. Tell your mother that it's spring. And spring means baseball. Butch is a fine baseball name. Take some steroids, pump up, and have a great spring. Don't ever write back to me if you play spring soccer. Al Dear Al, I live in Pittsburgh and I love the Steelers. At Christmas my aunt from Seattle game me a Seahawks jersey. I don't like the color but my mom made me wear it to school because she said if I didn't I'd be "a little ungrateful shit." I wore the jersey to school and my teacher beat me senseless. What should I do? Pete from Pittsburgh Dear Pete, What are you, a complete dope? You live in Pittsburgh. Those people are crazy. There's only two things to do in Pittsburgh. One of them is to go to Steelers game and the other, you're too young for. Burn the friggin' Seahawks jersey and tell your mother you'd rather wear a halter top to school. Al Dear Al, I play basketball for Coach Finley in the 7-8 year old division. He has a clipboard and when he calls "time out," he scribbles all kinds of thing on the clipboard. What's he writing? Far sighted in Lincoln, NE Dear Far sighted, What the frig is wrong with you and your parents? Get a goddamn eye exam for chrissakes, you blind bastard! Al Dear Al, I'm 6'4", 225 lbs. and I'm going into 8th grade. I play both ways on my school football team and just about everyone's afraid of me. Recently, I wet the bed at a sleepover at my friend Ricky's house. Ricky is threatening to tell everyone about the incident. What should I do? Wet and Worried in Wisconsin
Dear Wet and Worried, Damn right, you should be. You wet the bed? What the hell is wrong with you? Let me get this right...You're 14, 6'4" and 225 lbs. and you're wetting the bed. Jesus, what the hell do you expect me to do? You've got some serious problems. I think you have to kill Ricky or face abject humiliation for the rest of your life. Make it look accidental but definitely, Ricky's gotta go. Al Dear Al, Bobby, Troop 462 Dear Bobby, Absolutely you should be scared. God has it in for the scouts. How much more proof do you need? God is just plain tired of all of these adult sexual predator scout leaders hanging around scout meetings acting like they're interested in merit badges like "trailfinding" and "woodcarving." They'll find a trail for you alright. Somewhere where no one can hear you scream while they're carving your wood, if you know what I mean. Take up piano! Al Dear Al, I'm not sure if you can help, but I didn't know where else to turn. I'm on the football team in high school and I have to shower with the guys. I'd really rather not, because I'm afraid they will make fun of me. I have a really long manhood. It almost reaches my knees. In summer camp, all the other kids were laughing and pointing and making elephant sounds at me. I don't want to go through that again and I know that people in school will talk and all the girls will find out and laugh at me. Should I quit the team or mabye shower with a bathing suit? Thank you in advance, Grogan Dear Grogan, Remember, life is about turning positives into more positives. Here's my advice, go in the shower as is, scatter some peanuts on the floor, pick'em up with the instrument in question and put them up your ass. You'll be a legend and we can sell tickets at $10 a look. Remember, Al gave you the idea and wants his cut! Al GOT A QUESTION FOR AL? Send it to him - click here!
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you think Tom Jones gives a shit about hockey?