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Oklahoma City, OK -- The Seattle Super Sonics have now officially moved and will be playing in Oklahoma City and there is an excellent chance that they will no longer be the Super Sonics according to owner Clay Bennett.

"Do you think it would be dumb if I left them with the same name so we can use the old uniforms?" asked Bennett. "After dropping $350 million on this team I'm a little strapped for walking around money," he confessed. Then with a sudden burst of memory, Bennett said, "Hey, we forgot the name the team, let's do that!"

Bennett put out a request on the Internet asking the public to name his new team. Several million people suggested a variety of names with two in particular leading the list. One fan favorite seems to be the "Oklahoma City Bastards Who Left Seattle High And Dry" followed by the plain "Oklahoma City C***suckers." Bennett like the first name a lot but observed, "That's a big name to get on a uniform."

The owner also said he planned to give the team "the coolest uniforms you've ever seen cause I'm making a big splash the first year." Bennett hired fashion designer Frederick Moe to "give me something that makes people stand up and say 'I'd love to live in Oklahoma.'" Moe, who designed the costumes for the musicals "There is No Tooth Fairy" and "Disco Orgy," said, "Oh I'll come up with something and let me assure you, this Oklahoma team will prance like peacocks."

A model shows off a uniform sample for the new un-named team. "All we need is an 'O'", said designer Moe.

Beijing, China -- Looking back on this year's Olympic games is full of exciting memories of breathtaking performances where participants reached new heights of athletic greatness.

Never was there a more inspiring story than that of little Shawna Johnson, the perky U.S. Olympian gymnast. During one her routines, Johnson was struck by narcolepsy, a neurological condition causing daytime sleepiness. A person with narcolepsy is likely to become drowsy or fall asleep, often at inappropriate times and places. Daytime naps may occur without warning and may be physically irresistible. These naps can occur several times a day. They are typically refreshing, but only for a few hours.

Johnson fell asleep in the middle of a double somersault during her floor exercise. "Yes, it was in the middle of the day and yes, I woke up refreshed," explained Johnson. "And yes, there were visions of sugar plums dancing in my head," she continued. "I never knew what the hell a sugar plum was until I dreamt about them and now I can tell you it's some sort of Christmas candy...in all honesty it was kind of f***ed up dream," Johnson further explained.

Luckily she did wake up and land on her feet and scored at 9.5 from the judges. "She's an inspiration to all of us who dose off in the middle of the day in our really sucky jobs," said Pete Fountain a nuclear reactor operator in Limerick, Pennsylvania. "I often fall asleep in the middle of something exciting, like a meltdown, and I wake up feeling great," he smiled. "We love you Shawna," Fountain gushed.

Narcolepsy effects over 260 million Americans but mainly afflicts bankers, insurance agents, and philosophy students.

Beijing, China -- A 9 ft. man from the former Soviet Republic of Flemizstan was not able to medal in any sport at the Beijing Olympics.

"Jesus, I'm nine feet tall and I can't win a medal? Shit, I feel awful about myself," said Danunev Ishkamovatov. The Olympian sadly shared his disappointment with reporters saying, "All my life I'm the big tall guy...everywhere I go, 'look at the big tall guy,' 'hey big tall guy can you do anything cause you're a big tall guy?'...it's enough to make you insane...and then when you go insane it's not like you can go crazy and kill some people cause guess what, everyone knows it was the big tall guy..."

Ishkamovatov's mother Olga, who is 10 ft. 5" said, "He's still my little baby no matter what he did at the Olympics." She added, "If you need someone to reach up to a tall shelf and grab something for you or if you need antenna for TV, Danunev is your man."

His girlfriend Dushka refused to answer questions about Danunev and their sex life. Curious reporters could not fail to inquire as to why she always carried a ladder around with her. "What do you think it's for?" she asked impatiently.

Beijing, China -- Little European Transylvania's hopes of medal in Beijing were extinguished yesterday when hurdler Medea "The Countess" Medicosceau struck out in the 110 hurdles.

"She was scary, really scary," said Jamaican sprinter Grace Jones. Jones, who shook with fear, added, "She chased me the entire time...I'm not sure what she would have done if she caught me."

Medicosceau defended her unorthodox Dracula type running technique saying, "Transylvanian runners have been running like this for hundreds of years and it's worked for us but sadly the race was in the daytime and I usually perform better late at night."

"I suck but that's a good thing," said Medea, "and truthfully it was tough running with a spike driven through my heart." Medicosceau was a bit hurt at the negative publicity that Transylvania receives. "I want to bite someone's neck and suck a little blood and it's a big deal...Mike Tyson bites off an ear and bags 8 million bucks...life's unfair," she lamented.

Medicosceau using her patented "Dracula" technique to negotiate the 110 hurdles.

Beijing, China -- In a shocking confession Chinese gymnast and gold medalist Ali Ning told reporters that at 13-years-old, "I am an alcoholic."

Ning, who gave spectators a clue during her last performance when despite falling and staggering on the balance beam, she managed almost near perfect 10 scores from the judges. Through a translator she explained, "I was drunk out of my f***ing mind during that last routine."

The perky gymnast said, "I get high on rice wine before every event and it's time for me to come forward and help other drunk gymnasts get the help they need." Several American gymnasts anonymously confessed that drinking and gymnastics go hand in hand. One American gymnast said, "Without Jack Daniels, you can't understand a word of Bela Karoyli."

It has been common knowledge that for years the Russian team members warm up on straight shots of Stolichnaya but now the puritan Chinese image has been tarnished. "Truthfully," said Ning, "you can't understand the pressure I'm under." She added, "All I ever wanted was my own little fruit stand on a New York street corner." "Any one know where I can get some Boone's Farm Apple Wine?" she asked.

London, England -- A determined computer expert has delved into cached pages on the Internet, unearthing Chinese official documents showing that their gymnasts are indeed underage.

Controversy has reigned over the games as to whether He Kexin, the gold medalist in the uneven bars, is under the minimum age of 16. "She's as a tiny as a pimple on the testicle of a mosquito," declared Wesley Hypes of Surrey, England. Hypes has dedicated his life to discovering whether or not the Chinese gymnasts are of age. "Yep, I have a lot of time on my hands," said Hypes.

But Hypes added that he has irrefutable evidence that Ms. He is underage and that Britain's Beth Tweddle got screwed when He beat her out for a bronze medal. Hypes is hoping that He will be disqualified and that Tweddle will move up in the standings therefore being awarded a bronze.

Hypes theorized, "Imagine how happy she'll (Tweedle) be and she'll turn to me with joy and gratitude and hopefully say, 'Thank you Wesley for uncovering this and how would you like to get laid?'"

Hypes case rest on this picture taken of He Kexin taking a water break with her mother between events last week.

Oklahoma City, OK -- The city of Seattle and Clay Bennett will divide up the artifacts of the Super Sonics' past as part of settling the bitter dispute between the town fathers and the owner who re-located the team.

The championship banners and trophies from the Super Sonic glory days will stay in Seattle while a flat screen TV in the coaches' locker room will go to Oklahoma City. A judge said that some items will go to the city and then placed in the curatorship at the Seattle Museum of History and Industry.

The judge said that Bennett will be allowed to take the soap, paper towel and toilet paper dispensers from the Key Arena but must leave the jockstrap of former guard and coach Lenny Wilkens. Bennett will also get to keep 14,872 whoppee cushions left over from last year's "Clay Bennett is a Fart Head Night." Seattle also gets to keep the soiled jockey shorts of Flipper Boswell, who crapped himself watching the 1978 finals. Boswell, interviewed for this article explained, "The game was so tense I shit myself and from that moment on I was a Seattle legend."

The curator of the museum Bryce Hollingsworth said, "We ought put the jockey shorts in a glass case for the sake of our patrons." Wilkens has filed suit to get back his jockstrap. "And by the way can I get my strap back? I need that kind of support at my age," said Wilkens.

Men pay attention...wear a supporter when lifting anything heavy.

Beijing, China -- Last year, prized wrestling phenom Henry Cejudo was declared the "future of wrestling" by coach Kevin Jackson.

Today, doctors hope that Cejudo might wrestle again someday after a unusual incident that occurred after his gold medal victory over Japan's Tomohiro Matsunaga. The win shocked the wrestling world and particularly the Japanese. Matsunaga was humiliated and protested that "my crotch was grabbed so many times I thought I was at a Village People concert."

Cejudo denied the crotch grabbing but the Japanese yelled fouled and promised revenge. Shortly after Cejudo stepped off the gold medal victory stand, Matsunaga stapled an American flag to Cejudo's shoulders. Witnesses say the Japanese wrestler used a "staple gun" to shoot staples deep into Cejudo. "I got it on sale at the Beijing Home Depot...jees, that place has everything."

Cejudo was rushed to a hospital where doctors picked out over fifteen staples and charged the United States over $2.5 million dollars for emergency room treatment. "I will wrestle again," cried Cejudo, "and I really think we ought to do something about this negative trade balance with China."

"Get it off...get it off!" screamed Cejudo as the staples reached deep into his spinal column.

New York, NY -- Thousands of disgruntled Green Bay Packers fans descended on New York city demanding that their former quarterback return the hundreds of retirement gifts he received from the public.

Favre received an outpouring of love and affection last March when he said for the hundredth time that he was going to retire. Fans showed up in mass and gave Favre 7,213 gifts. Now they want them back or financial compensation from New York.

New York mayor Michael Bloomberg said that most of the stuff has already been sold on e-Bay but New York would not cooperate in anyway. "We're New Yorkers, we'd rather just fight it out," said Bloomberg.

Favre did return a set of steak knives to fan Sally Dalrymple but he refused to part with a toaster given to him by the Chimeliewski family. "It's one of those toasters with the really wide slots that is great for bagels," said Favre, "and now that I'm in NYC, I'm a bagel maniac."

Bloomberg refused to let Favre give back a Chinese tea set. Bloomberg insisted, "We've a shitload of Chinese in this town and that'll come in real handy."

Beijing, China -- An IOC investigation revealed that China did not use real people for any of the Olympic events.

Investigators have learned that the Chinese used advanced computer enhanced technology to create the illusion that athletes were actually competing in the Olympic games. "Basically, the Chinese create images and then orchestrated their entire team with a joystick," explained computer fraud expert Lou Dooperman.

"You got to give these bastards credit," added Dooperman, "and in fact I'm not even sure I'm in Beijing...I look around and sometimes I feel I'm in San Francisco."

Dooperman theorizes that the entire Beijing Olympics did not occur but were artificially created in a computer lab and using smoke and mirrors they have been able to "fool NBC." Chinese Premier Wen Jiaboa explained, "I don't exist either but Chinese very clever with computer and they make me and I take over government and I talk no verbs." Jiaboa added, "We do good job with beach volleyball bikini, yeh?"

A computer generated image of Wen Jiaboa waves a non-existent flag while non-existent Chinese cheer along.

Beijing, China -- Several members of the Greek Olympic team have tested positive for gyros.

Gyros or gyro (giros) is a Greek fast food consisting of meat roasted on vertical rotisserie. By extension, gyros may refer to the pita sandwich it is often served in, with lettuce, tomato and a special yogurt sauce. The sauce called tzatziki is loaded with garlic and people can usually smell you for three days after eating a gyro. Worse yet, the gyro repeats on you and often gives you gas. Greek food expert Stavros Pappadou warns that, "Tzatzki can make you fart like a mad Turk."

Olympic officials randomly tested several Greek athletes yesterday and all Greek team members denied eating an gyros. "We're concerned for the other athletes competing that the gyro gives the athletes an unfair fast food advantage," said anti-doping tzar Bobka Bobkin. "I'll tell you one thing, if you've got a farting spell going on at the start of a race, you're creating some major propulsion," said Bobkin.

Other countries protested that they have no comparable fast food. Several Koreans complained, "We get some snake on a Kaiser roll with a little honey mustard and they call that a good lunch in Korea," said Song Sung Blue. Greek Olympic head Aristotle Euripides announced, "We'd like to buy every Chinese a gyro." "I'll order one billion from my brother's pizza shop in Brooklyn," he said as he dialed his cell phone.

Beijing, China -- Campaigners for a free Tibet said they were concerned about the Chinese government interrogation tactics after promising that the protesters would have a secluded place in which to demonstrate.

Immediately after unfurling a large, "Hey China, You Suck," banner, Flem Attaturk was arrested and taken into custody by Chinese police. During questioning, police instructed Attaturk to drop his pants and a policeman with surgical gloves proceeded to check his prostate.

Policeman Feng Jer Der Ti said later, "The good news is that his prostate is in great shape, the bad news is I'm not a doctor." Attaturk said, "Though I'm relieved that my frequent urination is normal for my age, I'd still like to see a free Tibet." Feng added, "While we're at it, we ought to check for polyps which is a very smart thing to do after your 50th birthday." Attaturk replied that he was only 25 yet Feng insisted on the anal probe and said, "Lighten up, it's just good fun."

Beijing, China -- U.S. Olympic team officials surprised the entire sports world yesterday when they entered swimmer Michael Phelps in the archery competition.

Phelps, trying to be the first person to grab 40 gold medals, had no previous archery experience. However, Olympic head Peter Uberroth said, "We're way behind China in gold medals and we're sure Michael can even us up."

The multi-talented swimmer won the 100-meter butterfly and immediately left the pool and shot ten perfect bulls-eyes with a bow and arrow. "I was very tired after swimming but I'm here to serve my country," said the humble Phelps. "What else do you want me to do?" asked the anxious Phelps.

Immediately after leaving the medal stand for archery, Uberroth gave Phelps orders to mount a horse, "We're going after an Equestrian medal." Phelps was immediately excited and asked if he could shoot his bow and arrow while riding the horse. "Wow, the Olympics are just like those cowboy and injun movies," smiled Phelps. "Pass my warpaint," he ordered.

Phelps after taking gold in archery. "I want to play baseball too!" he exclaimed.

Beijing, China -- A Swedish wrestler threw away his Olympic bronze medal on Thursday and said that he is quitting the sport in anger over his loss to the eventual gold medalist.

Ara Abrahamian threw the medal in a non-recyclable container after he received it in the 84 kg Greco-Roman competition. He lost to a thin margin in the semifinals to Andrea Minguzzi of Italy.

"I lost to a guy name Andrea so how do you think I feel?" asked Abrahamian. He ripped the medal off his neck in disgust and said, "I don't think I could even beat Andrea Cramer, that hot sportscaster at ESPN."

Olympic organizers were upset that he did not place the medal in a recyclable container. "We put recyclable containers all over the place and we expect people to use them," fumed Mi Wang, director of facilities management for all of China.

Abrahamian defended himself by saying, "Normally I do recycle but when I'm pissed and contemplating suicide, I usually just throw things randomly." Abrahamian told reporters that once a Swede is disgraced then he has no choice but to take his own life. He explained that Swedish tradition demands that he go back to Sweden and round up 70 Swedish virgins and have sex until he dies.

Harvard University anthropologist Dr. Manny Mimosa, who specializes in Swedish culture, said that he had never heard of that particular Swedish tradition but agreed, "That's a hellava way to go." He added, "When word of this gets out, people are going to be dying to get into Sweden."

As a public service we are displaying a map for those who don't know how to get there and also, with the great exchange rates, you can score a one-way ticket to Sweden for a lot less than you think.

Beijing, China -- The tiny republic of Uzbekistan was awash in celebration today when two of its' favorite sons routed the "Synchronized Diving" competition in Beijing yesterday.

Timur Romashev and Pema Durashev worked themselves into a deadlock tie with the Chinese team going into the last dive. All eyes were on Romashev and Durashev and to the spectators' surprise they relied on the old standby "two man cannonball" to shock the judges into awarding them the gold.

The two divers let the springboard propel them over ten feet above the platform where the two simultaneously tucked their legs under their arms. As they hit the water, they created one of the biggest splashes ever in Olympic history. "We knew we hit it just right," said Timur. He explained, "When I saw water splash back into row 15, I knew we had the gold," added the elated diver.

The judges awarded the two a perfect 16 in both execution and difficulty. "It was a superb cannonball," said French judge Rene Renais. "It was so simple in it's simplicity that I had to simply suck down my judges' pretense and give them the perfect score," he justified.

Almost the entire country of 4.8 million jumped into the pool to celebrate the victory. "It was crowded in the pool and I think some people may have even tinkled in the water," added Pema with great understatement.

Timur and Pema are surrounded by revelers after nailing the perfect synchronized cannonball.

Washington, DC -- President Bush announced yesterday that he was ordering a $80 billion dollar aid package to Georgia to defend itself against the latest Russian expansionist aggression.

"I've always been a Georgia fan," said Bush, "and if the Russians think they're just gonna walk in and try and take the SEC then they've got another thing coming." Bush added that he hoped that the money would be used for "new footballs and to sure up those Bulldog practice facilities."

Georgia head coach Mark Richt said he was grateful to the President for "his strong leadership at a time of crisis for Bulldog football." "We've got about 32 players who can't read or write and the rest are in jail for a variety of crimes so we can sure use the $80 million," smiled Richt.

Russian strongman Vladamir Putin said the he was optimistic that a diplomatic solution to the crisis could be negotiated. "Truthfully, until they get serious about a college playoff system, I really don't care if we win the SEC but it's sure fun to get the tanks out and roll over some countries."

Beijing, China -- Doctors have reported an epidemic of BSB Syndrome at the Beijing games affecting primarily swimmers.

BSB or Badly Squashed Boob Syndrome is the result of the newer high tech fibers used in the female swimsuit design to reduce drag in the water by completely flattening the female breasts.

"It's serious shit," said Dr. Mort Mamberg, "not only for the swimmer but for all who have to look." "It's painful to have your breasts completely pancaked by a swimsuit but it is equally hard to watch nothing but flat-chested women from afar," added Mamberg.

One unnamed swimmer said her suit was "sooo tight that my breast squirted out my back leaving me looking like a double-hunchback or worst yet, a swimming camel." Several swimmers have suggested, "If your going to squeeze our breasts so hard, why not just give us a mammogrom while you're at it?"

"The good news is," explained Mamberg, "when that suit comes off the energy pent up by those boobs can power a small city or they're just really fun to be around."

"This is great news for the power generation business," said Larry Kuplarge, "and for anyone lucky enough to be around the liberated breasts."

A breast released from the confines of an Olympic swimsuit can drive this highly sophisticated turbine providing much needed relief from high energy production costs.

Beijing, China -- "Setting the bar high" lost something in the translation during yesterday's Olympic gymnastics event on the uneven bars.

"Jesus," exclaimed Janus Coneauscu, one of the Romanian gymnastics coaches, "that bar is set too f***ing high!" For at least one hour the bars were set higher than normal and none of the participants could reach them.

Later the Chinese hosts, with a well-spring of engineering expertise, tried solving the problem by bringing our a regular old household ladder. Feng Swai, a government engineer explained, "When something is too high, a good way to reach it is by getting a ladder." However several gymnasts were injured when they repeatedly kept swinging into the standing ladder.

"Well, that might be a problem," commented Swai. Later Swai and the People's Committee on Scientific Excellence held an emergency meeting where they agreed that the ladder idea "sucked." Afterwards a cannon was brought into the stadium and contestants were shot up to the bars.

"What a great f***ing idea," said one gymnast. "It was a lot of fun and I felt like I was in a real Chinese circus," he added.

Be careful when you set the bar too high. Normally, you have to lift and this sucks if you have a bad back or something.

Beijing, China -- The Chinese will not be outdone when it comes to drumming but their zealousness to show the world that "We're Number 1" did have some consequences.

During the opening ceremonies the host Chinese assembled 2,080 drummers in the Olympic stadium where they performed the drum solo from the 1960's acid rock song, "In A Gadda Da Vida." The song popularized the group Iron Butterfly featured a famous 17 minute drum solo that became the standard for drum solos among acid dropping hippies. The drum solo encouraged many drug induced reactions like, "Wow" and "Wow man." Historians agree that the drum solo probably single handedly created the drug anthem, "Wow."

Until that time most people reacted to drum solos with maybe a mild, "Shit, that's a long drum solo," but Iron Butterfly changed all of that and the Chinese have now changed drum solos again. 2,080 drummers simultaneously and with great precision drummed the Butterfly drum solo for 47 minutes and 32 seconds. Over three quarters of the drummers had to be treated for dehydration and fatigue but the Chinese government declared, "Top that you f***ing Westerners!"

Later several acid tripping Chinese observing the drummers say, "Tao Mao Ta Da Ba AHHH!" which roughly translated means, "Wooooowwwwww Maaaaaaaannnnnn!"

Several drummers that failed to keep up were taken out of the drum line and shot. "It's very competitive drumming," warned one government official and "you better be able to keep the beat."

Los Angeles, CA -- Former women's tennis star Pam Shriver announced yesterday that she has filed for divorce from the one-time James Bond actor George Lazenby.

Documents filed Thursday in Los Angeles Superior Court cite "big, big, big irreconcilable differences" for the end of the marriage. Shriver commented later, "Jesus, I swore I married the other James Bond." (referring to Sean Connery) Shriver said that one day she awoke and Lazenby had sneaked into her bed. "Seriously, if it was Roger Moore I wouldn't have said a thing," explained Shriver, "but this Lazenby guy made one Bond movie and it sucked."

Lazenby, 68, is best known for his one-movie as Bond in "On Her Majesty's Secret Service." "Yeah I guess that movie did suck, but do you know how many women I bagged before they found out I wasn't Connery, Moore, or Pierce Brosnan?" he asked. "Well I guess the jig is up," lamented Lazenby.

Shriver, who won 22 Grand Slam doubles titles, wondered allowed, "He must have been a pretty good Secret Agent cause I had three kids with him and didn't even know it." "Christ," she continued, "I thought this guy was my grandfather."

Lazenby said that thirty years ago, "I was damn proud of that package!" Hey, we're on vacation next week...anyone know where we can pick up one of these numbers?

Manhattan, KS -- Kansas State University football coach Prince has agreed to a new five year deal which will carry him to 2012.

The football coach formerly known as Prince but now going by just "Prince" will have a base salary of $143,000 with a total guaranteed package of $1.1 million, which includes compensation from endorsements and a Christmas concert. Prince could also earn up to an additional $950,000 per year in performance based incentives.

"We're pleased to have Prince as our football leader," said AD Bob Krause. He added, "We're rocking like it's 1999 but he's got a plan and he's on the right course with that plan."

"I'm very appreciative of the commitment that the university has shown to me and frankly I'm a pretty f***ed up guy but truthfully college football and music are the cornerstones of my life," emphasized Prince. "Oh, and add lots of funky sex with hot women...in fact drop that football and music cornerstone shit. Take a look at 'Purple Rain' to get the know the real me," he continued.

"Prince isn't afraid to coach in just a thong which makes him one of the bravest coaches since Woody Hayes," said veteran commentator Keith Jackson. "I get the shivers when I see him sling that guitar over his shoulder while he prances down the sidelines," said Jackson.

At his press conference for a contract extension Prince said, "We're taking the Big 12 or Big 21, whatever, this year!"

NEW YORK, NY - Though we do not have all the details yet, Jockweb.com has learned that Sports Illustrated has traded the rights to Brett Favre's 4th retirement cover story to National Geographic.

"We felt it was the right thing to do. We've already covered him retiring three times. We need to move on." Said SI Department of Communications rep Elizabeth Multry. "We believe National Geographic will do a good job covering his future retirements."

As of the time of publishing this article, NatGeo was said to be in trade talks with Life and AARP magazines for the rights to cover Brett's next retirement.

PHILADELPHIA, PA - Charlie Manuel of the Philadelphia Phillies is not known for being a great strategist. In a botched attempt to overcome that reputation, he managed his way into a situation with 3 young ladies that most young men only dream about.

"I pulled it off," Said Manuel. "I don't care what they look like," he added, "beejees I'm 61 and this was like finding oil off the coast of New Jersey."

Phillies majority owner David Montgomery wasn't as impressed. "Hell, ballplayers have been doing that kind of thing forever. Usually at least one is cute."

SAN JOSE, CA - "He's just too damned good," said Artest DiTrolio, owner of Arrowhead Day Camp.

Andy McGabber is an 8-year-old who competes at soccer and softball on a ninth grade level. However, it seems to be too much for some of the other campers.

"The parents of the other kids got together and paid off McGabber to just stay home," DiTrolio told Jockweb.

McGabber is okay with the payoff, but isn't thrilled. "I wasn't ready to retire from summer camp yet. I still had a lot I felt I could accomplish."

According to DiTrolio, the parents of the other children pitched in and came up with $1.2 million over the next 4 years to keep McGabber off the summer camp circuIt. McGabber commented, "I've never seen anything like it. Someone still in their prime being asked NOT to play. Don't make no sense if you ask me."

McGabber says he plans to spend the remainder of this summer hanging out at little league baseball fields "...chasing tail, riding a motorcycle, smoking, and trying to lead a loser team to a title game".

GREEN BAY, WI - Once in a while great Brett Favre wants to play, and not with the Packers. "I'm a football player," I imagine Brett said. "I just want to play ball."

The problem is that Brett Favre, despite a decent season last year, just doesn't have it anymore. The Packers drafted a young stud quarterback to take his place. Now Brett doesn't want to step aside. The Packers don't want to leave him on the bench because he'd be a huge distraction. They don't want him to play for someone else because he may come back to bite the Pack on their small town rear ends.

Not so fast, says the aging former drug/alcohol abusing, superbowl winning quarterback. I wants to play. And so do many NFL fans, including brainwashed packer fans and Viking fans who can clearly see he's lost it.

So until things play out completely, Brett has the NFL and the Packers by the short hairs.

New York, NY -- New York Giants All-Pro defensive end Michael Strahan has been seen in the company of actress Whoppi Goldberg but both celebs say "we're just good friends."

Giants coach Tom Coughlin asked, "Don't you think Michael could do better?" "I'm just sayin'," said Coughlin, "nothing personal against Whopper but Michael is part of the Super Bowl Champion Giants." Several fellow NFL players weighed in on the alleged romance.

"Didn't he spend a ton of money on a divorce last year?" quizzed Patriots quarterback Tom Brady. "I mean if you're gonna blow a couple of mil losing your wife and then you show up with Whopaa, I gotta question the wisdom." Even Whoppi Goldberg herself commented, "Yeah I'm sort of surprised too." Brady added, "My advice, get her pregnant and then have absolutely nothing to do with her...we can get away with that shit."

Strahan on his behalf said, "She's a lot prettier up close like in the dark, like I mean real dark, I mean like power failure dark."

Green Bay, WI -- Retired, un-retired Green Bay Packers quarterback Brett Favre has struck a deal with the team that will make him the starting quarterback in 2029.

"I'm real happy with the deal," beamed Favre, "and I can retire and un-retire all I want for the next twenty years." The Packers will pay Favre a base salary of $20 million annually to "get the f*** out of Green Bay and stay the f*** out of Green Bay." Packers President Mark Murphy said, "Twenty years buys us some time and we think Aaron Rodgers can develop into a workable quarterback by 2017." "We're really hoping the Brett struggles with cardiac issues during this time and goes away for good if you know what I mean," emphasized Murphy.

Favre said, "I'll un-retire in 2028 and believe me, I'll be ready for the 2029 season." "I really believe," added Favre, "the I can play into my eighties."

Under the proposed deal, Favre will have to stay south of the Mason-Dixon line and only play touch football with elementary kids from southern Mississippi. "We don't mind if he does a little fishin' but just stay the f*** out of Green Bay." Brett's wife Mrs. Favre commented, "This is really bad news cause I want him to get the f*** out of the house."

Favre said he was content to fish and "just wait for the 2029 season to get started."

w York, NY -- Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez said yesterday that allegations of his infidelity "are one thing, saying I cavorted is something that has to be defended."

The New York third baseman said in papers filed in the Miami-Dade Circuit Court that his five-year marriage to Cynthia is "irretrievably broken," but her claims that he "cavorted" with pop superstar Madonna are patently untrue. "I've never cavorted, considered cavortation, or engaged in cavortiveness," said the embattled Rodriguez.

In her divorce petition filed on July 7, Cynthia Rodriguez accused her husband of "lots of cavorting."

Defending himself, Rodriguez said, "I may have banged a few babes behind my wife's back, but cavorting? What kind of guy do you think I am?" Rodriguez said he was most concerned that his daughters would grow up thinking their father was a "cavorter."

A-Rod went on to define cavorting or to cavort or the third-person singular cavorts or the present participle cavorting or the simple past and past participle cavorted as meaning to play boisterously; to romp or frolic; to prance about; to caper.

"It's just flat out wrong to say I cavorted when I never played boisterously or romped or frolic or pranced about with Madonna or anyone outside of the Yankee locker room," emphasized Rodriguez. "That makes me sound like a horrible person when indeed all I ever did was have some innocent sex with the 'Material Girl which is immaterial," he said as he welled up in tears.

Here's some boisterous play, romping, frolicking, and prancing going on. Talk about cavortation...whoa Nellie!

Beijing, China -- The trade of Ron Artest from the Sacramento Kings to the Houston Rockets was almost called off because of Artest's complaints that center Yao Ming is not "ghetto" enough.

Artest questioned Yao's commitment to "ghetto" and wondered if the 7'6'' center, "had the balls to go in the stands and beat up some spectators who's disrespectin' me." "Brawls are all about culture and my culture is all about brawls so if Yao Ming wants my culture he's going to have to brawl...does that make any sense at all?" Artest pondered.

Yao said, "I'm committed to ghetto pure and simple." Yao continued, "Girl dis is wat I be saying, meanin' flat out trippin boo...eery now n den it be meanin' some crazy mess up shizz...here be da low down, it meanin' straigt thugin boo...and deer it is for ya dawg."

The stunned Artest asked, "What the f*** did the chink man just say?" He added, "I'm feeling the chemistry with Yao and we's gonna get some mess up General Yao chicken tonight."

It's rewarding to see all kinds of people committing to "ghetto." Here a man in a nice K-Mart blazer shows he has what it "ghetto" takes.

Minneapolis, MN -- A man contending to be a direct descendent of Willie Wonka filed a bid for a hostile takeover of the Minnesota Twins baseball franchise.

Wonka, the grandson of the founder of the Wonka Candy Company and the inventor of Wonka Bars and Everlasting Gobstoppers, said that "I come from a long line of unparalleled genius in confectionary development." "Who else but a Wonka captured your imagination with ice cream that never melts and small candy eggs that hatch chocolate chip birds that fly and crap chocolate on your windshield?" asked Wonka.

"But," emphasized the affable Wonka, "I want out of candy." "I think I have what it takes to be a baseball owner," added Wonka citing his experience with some tough negotiations with the Oompa-Loompas last year when they threatened a work stoppage. "They are a lot of Hispanic Oompa-Loompas coming north and I'm bilingual," explained Wonka. "I think Dominican Oompa-Loompas bring a new dimension to major league baseball," stressed Wonka.

Wonka promised that an aging Augustus Gloop will get the nod as GM because, "Augustus Gloop just sounds like a good Minnesota name, doesn't it?" Wonka did have some sad news saying that, "bitchy character Veruca Salt sadly became crack whore in LA."

Cooperstown, NY -- Following the outpouring of love for New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner, the National Baseball Hall of Fame capitulated and honored the controversial executive with his very own display at the museum.

Recent inductee Goose Gossage said in his remarks on Sunday that, "George Steinbrenner is a sweetheart and you are assholes if you don't put him in the Hall of Fame." Hall of Fame executive Frank Fife agreed with Gossage saying, "What were we thinking not electing George to the Hall...Jesus, please forgive me."

French philosopher and existentialist Jacques Pompadeau commented, "There are two forces at work in this world...the forces of good and evil and I'll let you guess which force George Steinbrenner represents." Pompadeau asked, "Can you believe with that lame philosophical statement I just made, that I can get a really good tenured track position at any major university throughout the United States just because I'm a French existentialist?"

Steinbrenner said that he agreed with Pompadeau that there are two major forces at work in the world and that in most cases, "You should just try and buy everyone and that way you can play God." "I always felt," observed Steinbrenner, "that God really screwed things up until I came along but now I signed him to a long-term deal and he's working for me."

Hank Steinbrenner, George's son, said that, "God better start producing or he'll find himself on some Double A club in Arkansas."

"I think he softened me a bit, fire this f***ing artist," said the angry Steinbrenner after viewing the rendition of himself."

Sans Pantos, CA -- Jockweb staff writer Mickey Zalleppi got very lucky yesterday. Zalleppi was sent to California to cover the annual Hmong Skateboarding Championships but got lost on the way and ended up at the Greater San Luis Obispo Methodist Mermaid contest.

"I didn't know such a thing existed," said Zalleppi, "but wow, what an event!" Former model and one time Sports Illustrated swimsuit sexpot Cheryl Tiegs placed eighth in the contest and threw a major temper tantrum saying, "I'm Cheryl Tiegs and I'm still hot at 54 despite the wrinkles!" Zalleppi agreed, "I'd throw her a bone just on the basis of her past body of work."

However, Zalleppi had the good fortune to be one of only nine spectators watching the contest and as he explained, "Basically the nine of us were just a group of horny guys walking on the beach content the shuck an oyster." But as fate would have it, the winner of the contest Maisy Muffer took notice of Zalleppi recognizing his Jockweb press credential badge.

"I was impressed immediately," said Muffer, "and like most women, I've always wanted to sleep with a Jockweb staffer." Zalleppi added, "Things being as they are, I accepted the proposition though I've never been with a fish/woman before." He explained, "After I got familiar with the mermaid logistics, so to speak, I was able to settle into a completely new sexual experience." Zalleppi thanked Jockweb for employing him and promised to cover the event again next year.

BEIJING -- Two female Chinese gymnasts, including a gold-medal favorite, might be too young to participate in the upcoming Beijing Olympics.

Several online records and reports show He Kexin, the host nation's top competitor on uneven bars, and Jiang Yuyuan might not yet be 3-years-old, the minimum age for Olympic eligibility in China. Both were chosen for China's team last week.

On the Web site of the Chengdu Sports Bureau -- Chengdu is the capital of Sichuan province in southwest China -- a file dated January 2006 shows He Kexin as being born in June of 2007, making her 14-months old.

Zhang Peiwen, spokesman for the Chinese Gymnastics Association, told China's state-run Xinhua news agency that both gymnasts were over 16. "We don't do birth certificates in China because we've got a billion friggin' people but every kid born gets a dated fortune cookie," said Peiwen. He added, "Hey I just noticed my name is Peiwen...can I pee now?"

He Kexin had nothing to say because she can't talk yet but she can tumble like there's no tomorrow and Peiwen said, "If you don't like it, we'll shoot you."

Kexin figures she's got about 18 years left in her gymnastics career. "It definitely helps starting young," coo-ed Kexin.

Los Angeles, CA -- A young woman came forward yesterday and told authorities that she provided baseball player Jose Canseco with illegal, banned substances while he was trying to stage a comeback.

Canseco has recently tried to recapture his slugging swing for the Orange County Crush in the 11-12 year-old division. Mindy Fishman, who volunteers at the league snack bar, claims she provided Canseco with an almost unlimited supply of "Skittles" for the past 18 months. "Skittles", a popular multi-colored candy, is on the list of banned substances released by MLB commissioner Bud Selig.

Selig told reporters that "smoking 'Skittles' gives you a high like no other and it could be the next big thing in substance abuse." Fishman said that she and Canseco would often get high with a "nickel bag and a 'Skittles' pipe." "Oh, wow, the colors, like man, it's beautiful," moaned the mellowed 12-year-old Fishman.

Canseco later admitted to Senator George Mitchell under oath, "Yes, I use 'Skittles' but so does every other ball player in this country." Mitchell said, "This is great news because if this baseball drug thing ever dries up, what the f*** am I going to do?"

Dilated pupils and a silly grin are sure fire signs that your child is high on "Skittles."

Houston, TX -- Basketball Hall of Famer Nancy Lieberman showed she still has some hop in her step.

The 50-year-old Lieberman had two assists and a nifty no-look pass in a WNBA game between the Detroit Shock and the Houston Comets on Thursday night. Lieberman played some historic minutes for the Shock after signing a seven-day contract. It was good press for the WNBA after the bench clearing brawl earlier in the week.

However shortly after being inserted into the line-up, Lieberman became cranky and irritable and asking, "Is it hot in here or what? Someone turn up the f***ing AC!" Later Lieberman complained, "I just can't get comfortable...I'm hot...I'm cold...sometimes I just feel like crying uncontrollably."

Lambeer said in his post-game conference, "For sure I'm no female doctor but I swear she was having one of those hot flashes*." Lambeer confided, "Christ, it's bad enough coaching a bunch of women with that monthly visitor but shit, throwing in the hot flashes just really ups the ante."

After the game, Lieberman broke a few dishes, promised to leave the house and never come back, "Because no one around here appreciates me." All in all, it was a very entertaining evening in the WNBA, as it always is.

Another educational tidbit is that Joan of Arc didn't live long enough to have hot flashes though getting burned at the stake can't be fun at a cookout.

New York, NY -- Arena Football League commissioner David Baker resigned today, two day before the Arena Bowl championship game.

Baker ended his 12 years as head of the upstart AFL just when the league is becoming profitable. Baker cited his "general lack of enthusiasm for arena football." In Baker's words, "It's just plain stupid...the whole idea...to play football like we're doing it...yeah like it's really stupid, like who goes to these f***ing games?" "Seriously," Baker asked, "you really don't think you're watching real football do you?"

"I'm going to take a few days off and then maybe invent another stupid hybrid game that mixes let's say slalom skiing with blow drying your hair," Baker explained. "I know that sounds crazy doesn't it? But if you just give someone some skis and a blow dryer and play some loud music and half-naked girls dance throughout, you can sell tickets," said the marketing guru.

The AFL championship game promises to be action packed if you can understand what the hell is going on and even Janet Jackson offered to bare a nipple or two to improve ratings. Upon hearing that, Baker decided to un-retire. "I've gotten the itch for football again," said Baker.

Hypothetical question? Would you watch someone ski while blow drying their hair while playing loud, deafening music, if these girls danced seductively throughout? Exactly what we hypothesized.

Auburn Hills, MI -- WNBA coach Rick Mahorn admitted in the aftermath of the bench clearing brawl on Tuesday, that, "I grabbed more ass than an obsessive compulsive proctologist."

In a game between the LA Sparks and the Detroit Shock, a massive "bitch fight" took place involving superstars Lisa Leslie and Candace Parker where all the players gathered at mid-court pulling hair and scratching each other's faces with long, manicured fingernails. Former NBA bad boy and assistant coach Rick Mahorn explained the scene as "a massive turn-on."

"I love seeing women fight and I get pretty excited and I guess I just got carried away," said Mahorn after television cameras recorded him grabbing in excess of 26 asses. "I was like a bulimic at a 'all you can eat' buffet," added Mahorn. "I'd grab a bitch's ass and she'd smack another bitch which made me grab another ass and then another bitch gets slapped and pretty soon I grabbed everyone's ass on the court except Bill Lambeer's (Detroit head coach)," he continued.

Guinness Book of Records spokesperson Sir Alec Guinness said in a very proper accent, "I think we might have a new record in ass grabbing and I offer a hearty congratulations to Mr. Mahorn." Mahorn later said that he was gratified to establish the new record and said that "a situation like this only comes around once in a lifetime and I'd like to thank David Stern for creating a league for bitches."

You'd be surprised how many situations you can sneak in, grab ass and get out without being noticed.

JOCKWEB HQ - Returning from a much needed vacation, Jockweb CEO Shecky Sheckstein announced that he had gotten 'some' at a sports convention in the Philippines.

Sheckstein, known for his biting obituaries and tongue-in-cheek news style has been backed up for years.

"I was having sex about the same pace as a married man; never," said a proud Scheckstein.

No word as to whether contraception was used or if any cash exchanged hands. However sources close to the situation have reported that the motel in question will not be able to sell the sheets on EBay as first thought.

"They had to burn everything," said an executive of the Hourly Motel in downtown Manila. No further explanation was forthcoming.

When asked how this is sports related, Scheckstein announced that the mystery woman is a Seattle Mariners fan.

Beijing, China - Specially designated zones for protesters during next month's Olympics in Beijing will be established, according to a phone message left by a security official.

The approved location for the protests is 85 miles South East of the Dallas-Fort Worth area of rural Texas.

"This will allow people to protest without disrupting the Olympics," said the voice message in broken English. "It's win, win for us."

Protestors will be bussed. Which they will probably also protest. That's what they do.

WASHINGTON, DC - Jason Taylor has been traded from the Miami Dolphins to the Washington Redskins. The Dolphins traded the 6 time pro bowl participant for a 2nd round pick next year, a 6th round pick in 2010 and a year's supply of Bumble Bee Tuna.

"Dolphins love Tuna", explained Redskin press secretary Wade Newman on Monday. "It was a deal they couldn't turn down."

Dolphins management insisted on keeping their dignity by not being forced to jump from the water in order to gain access to the tuna.

"Frankly, we didn't think they'd like the stuff that much", Newman told Jockweb. "We figured they'd resent getting caught in those tuna nets and all..."

Dolphin training staff was sent out to purchase new can openers, but returned with those battery operated kind. They were sent back to buy AA's.

Beijing, China - With the summer Olympic games fast approaching, Lars Understain of Madison, Wisconsin is all ready for the humor.

"Man, they got some names over there in China," Understain said. "Lee Ning, Ping Pong, Bing Bang...man I love them fellers."

Jockweb investigators uncovered a Chinese Male gymnast from the 1976 summer games by the name of Lee Ning. Of course no one paid attention because that was the year Bruce Jenner was developing his role for 'Keeping up with the Kardasians' by winning all those medals.

As far as the Chinese names being amusing, we get the joke. Understain could not be reached for just about anything.

Jockweb, HQ -- Jockweb CEO Shecky Sheckstein announced that he was taking "a break from the high pressured job that is internet satire."

"I need some time to get my priorities straightened out, " said the on-line publisher and global political leader. Sheckstein has led the company for the past 22 years saying, "I was the internet before the internet."

He plans to be away for a few days but said to staffers, "Don't get too comfortable...Comfortability leads to mediocrity...and comfortability isn't even a word because when you type it on the computer you get one of those squiggly lines underneath it."

Sheckstein will spend the next week hunting for black rhino hunting with Pope Benedict. "He's a hoot and damn good hunter," said Sheckstein. "Get him out of Rome and he really lets his hair down," quipped Sheckstein. The Vatican Nunzio for Papal Vacations said, "I'm not sure what Nunzio is but it sounds great... but seriously the Holy Father looks forward to his time with Shecky and it's these special times that keeps him fresh to lead one of the world's premier religions."

Flushing, NY -- The common law wife of former and deceased New York Yankees manager Billy Martin told Jockweb yesterday that in this tight economy she is having difficulty surviving on the measly inheritance she received.

"Actually we never married," said 53-year-old Cheryl Doumay, "but I like to have sex with baseball managers whenever they're in town." Doumay explained that she had lots of sex with Martin during he several stints with the Yankees, "way back in the '70's when believe it or not, I was a hot chick." "In fact," she added, "We did it so often, I'm claiming common law wife."

Sadly Martin died and divided his measly Yankee pension amongst all of his wives leaving Doumay with $2.43 a month to survive on. "I just cut back on the extras," smiled the solicitous vixen. "Believe me, you really don't need two dozen donuts a day, you can be very happy with just a dozen," she said with mouthful of a Boston Cream.

"The Yankee pension is not what it's cracked up to be," said pension expert Havre Yoder. Yoder cautioned, "After you're dead, and if you have money, everyone claims to have had sex with you, so my advice is to either not die or have lots of sex while you're alive or don't have money."

Martin's so called widow said she doesn't mind the smaller accommodations she's forced to live under. "It's small but homey," she smiled.

Jockweb HQ -- Jockweb pollster Tinky Burlingame completed another Jockweb poll yesterday and the results reveal more fascinating sporting trends than a Tony Romo trip to Mexico.

Jockweb CEO Shecky Sheckstein said that "Polling is something we do because we like to get the pulse of the people." Burlingame admitted, "Getting the pulse of the people is very difficult." "Most people," he explained, "dont like to have their wrist grabbed in public and wait for a minute to have their pulse checked. "

Burlingame was smacked thirteen times by "some really hot women because if I'm checking pulses I ain't grabbing fat guys." All in all his sample of 3 guys named Hernando were asked what they thought of Danica Patrick shown below. 33% of the people sampled did not like Danica's shoes. 33% did not like her belt. And 33% asked, "Is she or is she not wearing underwear?" The other 1% we just decided to forget because dividing 100 by 3 is just something we can never get our hands around. You get the repeating decimal that goes on forever, so we suggest to other pollsters, just try forget about it.

Sheckstein thanked Burlingame for his hard work doing the polling. He presented Burlingame with a coupon for a free chulupa at "Julio's All You Can Eat Nicaraguan Emporium."

Think we ought to add some sports agents to this list? How about it? Drew Rosenhaus? Scott Boras? Let's keep adding! Alright Billy Packer, you're on the list...

Norman, OK -- A University of Oklahoma women's basketball player has been accused of shoplifting according to the Norman police department.

Jenna Plumley was detained on Monday by loss-prevention workers at the Wal-Mart located at 601 12th Ave. NE in Norman. A Norman police spokeswoman said the point guard is accused of taking $34.65 worth of cosmetics from the store.

Plumely was tackled and cuffed by 84-year-old Wal-Mart greeter Donnie Dentureman. He told reporters later that, "You'd better think twice before shoplifting in my Wal-Mart cause I may wear Depends, but I still got some wheels." This is the same Donnie Dentureman, who in 2007, uncovered an Islamist terrorist cell in the housewares department. "I got suspicious when those A-Rabs were hanging around a juicer and sure enough they was gonna blow up the store while pretending to squeeze oranges," he explained.

After her arrest, the judge refused to set bail for Plumely because in his words, "You need a lot more make-up than $34.65." Plumely's attorney said that he will use the now famous "Imus" defense. "Jenna will tell the court that she stole the cosmetics so that she too could look like a ho," explained attorney F. Lee Stailey.

Judge Franklin Delano told Plumley, "Lot's of mascara if you want to be ho enough for me."

Plumley, so embarrassed to be seen without makeup, posed for a mug shot behind some home grown marijuana.

Athens, Greece -- Dallas Mavericks forward and German Olympic team captain Dirk Nowitzki faced a swarm of Cape Verde defenders even though Germany escaped a qualifying game winning 104-04.

Cape Verde, a former Portuguese colony off of the coast of Africa with a population of 25, held a national parade after keeping Nowitzki to 16 points. "This is a great day in Cape Verde history," said 4'2" center Embaki Imbaki. "This is almost as much fun when we found out we were a country," he added.

The Republic of Cape Verde is located on an archipelago in the Mararonesia ecoregion of the North Atlantic Ocean, off the western coast of Africa. The previously uninhabited islands were discovered and colonized by the Portuguese in the fifteenth century and the indigenous peoples started a basketball team in 1612.

Island historian Imbaki Umbaki asked, "What the hell is an archipelago?" and "How the hell did we find this place?" He explained that the native peoples started playing basketball because when you're stuck on an island in the middle of nowhere, basketball is more fun than baseball."

Olympic officials expressed surprise that Cape Verde was a country. One official commented, "I'm really surprised that Cape Verde was a country."

The team consisted of 4 Cape Verde warriors in full battle dress and point guard, Father Seamus O'Caffery, an Irish missionary, who has tried to convert the natives since 1954. O'Caffery said, "For a bunch of munchkin warriors, these bastards can play some 'D'." He added that, "Being a point guard is whole lot more fun than being a missionary or playing baseball."

The Cape Verde team takes a break from practice to pose for Jockweb photographer Zeek Smoot.

New York, NY -- Former New York Jets quarterback legend Joe Namath announced yesterday that "I want to play quarterback for the New York Jets in 2008."

Namath called his retirement "a huge mistake and something I deeply regret." "Anyone who knows me," he continued, "knows I've got some football left in my tank." Namath said recently that he got the itch to play and he swears the Jets management said that the door was open for him to come back.

"I never said the my retirement was final," he emphasized, "and the last I checked the retirement age was 65."

The star of Super Bowl III who engineered the Jets upset of the heavily favored Baltimore Colts in 1969 believes "I can take this team deep into the playoffs." One Jets anonymous spokesperson said, "Someone should tell Joe that the Jets are moving on and that he should do the same."

"How can they say they're moving on without me?" asked a dumbfounded and slightly inebriated Namath. "Where's the loyalty, where's the love?" he tearfully questioned. "Do they honestly I can continue drinking all day and chasing 24-year-old bimbos?" "I know this sounds like bullshit, but I'm actually tired of drinking and bird dogging babes young enough to be my grand daughters."

Namath attributes a quart of Jack Daniels and yoga for his ability to stay in football shape.

New York, NY -- Fired CBS basketball analyst Billy Packer announced yesterday that he would host his very own March Madness tournament next year.

Packer, who was let go by the network after 28 years (seems like 280), said he would invite 65 teams to a post-season tournament to determine the eventual National Champion of college basketball. "Who needs CBS when you've got me?" asked Packer. "When you think of Final Four, you think of Billy Packer," said Packer.

Colleges across the country agreed that the basketball postseason belongs to Billy Packer and several colleges chanted, "We want Packer Madness!"

"I am post-season basketball," added Packer. "I invented it and no one's having a post-season tourney without me," he promised. Packer promised that he can deliver that coveted television demographic of 65plus year-old-bald guys. "Old bald guys who never shut up with a non-ending stream of self-promoting opinions are going to tune in to Packer Madness," guaranteed the old bald guy who never shut up with a non-ending stream of self-promoting opinions.

Longtime basketball play by play man Marv Albert said, "I'm all for Packer Madness...can I bite a woman on the back?"

Vice-President Cheney said that he was happy to support self-promoting opinionated bald guys.

Beijing, China -- The Chinese government released their list of rules for the upcoming Olympics aimed at making the games "a perfect show so that the world can see that they have nothing to fear when we take over the world."

The Chinese said that no one should be alarmed but "there's no doubt about it, Americans are gonna be working for us pretty damn soon." Zing Zhang Woo, a Beijing organizing committee officials said that "there will be no spitting and that everyone should be polite to everyone or we will shoot you dead on the spot." With that Woo announced that no one is allowed to have guns, ammunition, crossbows, or daggers at the game "that is of course except the Chinese army and police."

"You think we're going to crack down on democracy with a featherduster?" Woo asked. "You line up someone in the scope of your crossbow and you've got some obedience in your back pocket," he added. The list of forbidden items also contains musical instruments made in anywhere but China, flags of any country that doesn't agree with China, umbrellas, ferrets in heat, and any mention of Pee Wee Herman. Woo chuckled, "I just threw in that Pee Wee Herman joke...actually I love that 'Pee Wee's Big Top' movie."

The government did say that they would allow fireworks, flammable materials, corrosive chemicals, tainted toothpaste, and as many lead painted toys as you can carry. "Shit, we don't want people to think we're against fun," explained Woo. "There's nothing like brushing your teeth with Chinese toothpaste, while soaking in a vat of battery acid, playing with Chinese made toys, while watching Chinese New Year fireworks," exclaimed Mr. Woo. "If we invented anything, we invented fun!" he cheered.

They got this great Olympic poison toothpaste special going on now...don't buy any and they'll put you in front of a firing squad.

Bagneres-De-Bigorre, France -- Tour de France organizers had a little surprise up their sleeves this summer for any cycler trying to win the infamous yellow jersey.

When the competitors got the Pyrenees Mountains on Sunday for the grueling three mountain stages, they discovered that they would have to climb steep mountain faces with their bicycles strapped to their backs.

Italian Riccardo Rocco asked, "Are you kidding me?" when he discovered he would have to scale a 13,367 ft. Guy-de-Toulose peak. "Holy shit," he exclaimed, "that's f***ing high and with a bike on my back?" "Forget about it," he said and he left to go back home to Italy. "I always thought this was a dumb f***ing sport so I think I'll go back home and look at old Sophia Loren movies," he said philosophically.

Race supervisor Pierre Frierre explained the change. "Ratings were down and everyone thinks the Tour is nothing but a bunch of drug cheats on two-wheelers, which is true, but we're kicking their asses now." "I think fans are going to enjoy watching guys fall off mountains to their death rather than riding bikes for 800 miles," he added reassuringly.

You'd need some EPO circulating in your veins to climb this son of a bitch with a bike on your back.

New York, NY -- Last month, ex-NBA referee Tim Donaghy alleged in court that some of his former colleagues conspire with league employees to manipulate the outcome of basketball games. Donaghy has pleaded guilty to betting on games he officiated and he may receive up to 25 years in prison.

Donaghy is hoping that the information he gives to authorities will reduce his sentence to about 33 months because he said, "In 25 years I'm gonna be really old and I'm short and white and look very vulnerable which in prison spells...well you get the picture."

Jockweb sent investigative reporter Fred Collingdale to look into these allegations and what Collingdale found was beyond shocking, almost unbelievable but not quite incomprehensible. "The truth is," said Collingdale, "that the refs and coaches and players are in bed together."

"Seriously," said Collingdale, "I don't mean that figuratively but literally." Collingdale discovered that everywhere he went to ask questions he found refs and coaches in bed together. "I went to Pat Riley's house and there was Pat in bed with ref Dick Baveta." Collingdale explained that "You wouldn't think of the two of them as a couple...Riley is suave and very sort of GQ and Dick Baveta is well, Dick Baveta."

Things didn't stop there. Collingdale was interviewing Denver Nuggets coach George Karl when ref Casey Kasem knocked on the door with freshly baked chocolate chip cookies. "I could tell this ran deeper than the cookies," explained Collingdale. "I've been around the block a few times and a guy doesn't make chocolate chip cookies for another guy unless there's an agenda, and we all know what that agenda is thanks to Tim Donaghy...they want to get into bed together."

NBA commissioner David Stern said a lot between the lines when he commented, "We've got the cutest, most tight assed referees in the business and I think the fans know that we're all about the integrity of professional basketball." He quipped, "So what if there's some sleeping around going on?"

Donaghy, pictured here, giving the universal signal for "Hey, coach, yeah you, how about you and I getting together, you know, like in bed?"

Los Angeles, CA -- Fresh off the loss of two of their top players to free agency, the Los Angeles Clippers signed singer/point guard Amy Winehouse to an unprecedented 20 year contract at an undisclosed amount.

The Clippers lost both forwards Elton Brand and Corey Maggette to the Sixers and Warriors, respectively. "How could any one want to leave the Clippers?" asked dejected owner Donald Sterling. "But the good news is that we landed Amy and we're hoping her knee is completely rehabbed."

Winehouse, the sultry jazz singer and sometimes court phenom, has experienced a wide variety of health problems related to smoking crack and shooting heroin. "I've been rehabbed about 46 times so the knee is not the issue," said Winehouse convincingly.

"I'm one of the few players in the league that can smoke crack, mainline some horse, and then drop a triple double on the opposing team," said Winehouse.

Coach Mike Dunleavy said, "When Amy plays HORSE, she plays HORSE and if you play with her, you'd better not have anywhere to go for a few days."

Dunleavy believe Winehouse can step in right away and change the team's chemistry. "I know a thing or two about chemistry," chuckled the singer.

Sylvania, OH -- The drama at the Jamie Farr LPGA Classic was not limited to the course. It seems like tournament host Jamie Farr himself, has done plenty to keep the tournament interesting.

Several female golfers have balked about having Jamie Farr dress in their locker room. Farr, the actor known mostly for his cross-dressing character Corporal Klinger in the TV legend MASH, has continued the character in real life.

"Sometimes with actors, the line between fiction and reality gets a bit blurred," said film critic Roger Ebert. "With Jamie, if he can gain an advantage dressing as a woman, he's going to take it," explained Ebert. "I'd like to try it myself, except the only ladies' dressing rooms I can get in are the Plus size ones and they're no fun," added the dejected Roger.

Golfer Paula Creamer said, "I wouldn't mind dressing with Jamie but he's constantly using my deodorant stick and leaving his large curly hairs in it." Farr defended himself saying, "I go all the way with my female character including shaving my legs, armpits, and even throw in a bikini wax."

Farr asked, "What the use of hosting a female golf tournament if you can't get dressed in the women's locker?" Though several golfers registered complaints, several desperate men commented, "If it's closing time at a bar, and Jamie Farr is the only thing available, I'm taking her. "

Jamie Farr posing before going out and blistering the golf course with a 7-under 64.

Detroit, MI -- The Detroit Red Wings made a startling discovery yesterday when they found actor Verne Troyer (aka Mini Me) living in the Stanley Cup trophy.

Forward Pavlov Dogaslov was looking forward to holding the Cup for a few days. Each player on the team was allowed to take the Cup home and show it off to friends and family. However, Dogaslov noticed that the Cup was a bit heavier than it was when he hoisted it over his head after the Red Wings clinched the NHL championship.

"I shook the Cup and sure enough I heard someone scream, 'Hey stop shaking my f***ing house,'" explained the hockey player. "My wife said, 'There's someone in the Cup' and we turned the thing upside down and out popped Verne," he continued.

Troyer admitted falling on hard times lately even though his recent sex video on You-Tube is doing very well. "I want to do Shakespeare, mabye Julius Ceasar, but for some reason, no one is biting," said Mini. "I'm a serious actor with great range," he promised, "but for now I've had to live in the Stanley Cup because of sparse acting work," Vern complained.

Dogaslov asked, "Can I keep him, please?" "I like having the little fella around," he said with genuine affection.

London, England -- Four women who took part in sadomasochistic role-playing with motor racing head Max Mosley told a court that the event was not the "Nazi" type orgy that was reported earlier in a British tabloid.

Jockweb, forever interested in "orgy" sent veteran investigative reporter Fred Collingdale to London to arrange interviews with Mosley and if possible, the four women. This was a huge commitment for Jockweb CEO Shecky Sheckstein since in the words of Sheckstein, "I hate spending money on sending someone to London to cover a story we're just going to fabricate." However, Collingdale convinced Sheckstein that he needed a vacation and he's been working for Jockweb for three years with no pay. Sheckstein relented and rented a single prop Cesna piloted by a alcoholic Chilean pilot to fly Collingdale to London.

Collingdale: Now it has been alleged that you participated in a five-hour sex session with a number of prostitutes where the women played concentration camp inmates and guards. Is this true?

Mosely: Although I had a lifelong interest in sadomasochism and the women acted out a German prison scenario, there wasn't a Nazi aspect. I find Nazism distasteful.

Collingdale: Bullshit. Yeah right, sure, we believe the shit out of you. How about spanking? Was there any spanking?

Collingdale: Hey ladies, what's it like spanking a 68-year-old man? Seriously, it's an old wrinkled ass. How did you keep from puking?

Collingdale: So you girls dressed up as Nazi prison guards, that's kind of wild, huh?

Prostitute B: I find putting on such scenes disgusting and lacking any kind of moral center.

Collingdale: Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit! You're talking to me, you know, Fred Collingdale?

Prostitute C: We were just S&M role playing like children playing Cowboys and Indians, just adults having fun.

Prostitute D: I was wearing a suspender belt, stockings, high heeled shoes and a German Luftwaffe jacket all while rubbing Sir Max's genitals with Absorbine Jr. All in all, very innocent play.

Collingdale: Wow that stuff really burns and it works great on achy muscles. But you know what would be cool? How about some Custar's Last Stand reenactment in fish net stockings?

Prostitute D: I like your thinking.

Collingdale: Before I wrote for Jockweb, I had a ton of good ideas.

Prostitute D: Are you interested in any future parties with Sir Max?

Collingdale: Here's my cell, 424-983-7733.

Ibaraki, Japan -- Golfer Shingo Katayama inspired millions of fans last week as he played the entire Japan Golf Tour Championship on his heels.

Katayama injured all ten toes in a furniture moving accident earlier in the week and doctors told him he would have to miss the tournament. "But my name in Shingo," said Katayama, "and I am Japanese and I will die before I will not play in golf championship."

So Katayama was forced to play the entire 72-hole championship while walking entirely on his back heels. "You think Tiger Woods so tough, you watch Shingo," proclaimed Shingo. "Oh wow, sore knee, everyone think Tiger big hero," protested Katayama. "Shingo so tough, he eat fugu and laugh," he added. Fugu is the highly poisonous Japanese blowfish delicacy that is deadly to the diner if prepared improperly. With that Katayama eat a plate full of fugu and then walked some more on his heels.

"I've never seen anyone dare to eat improperly prepared fugu and THEN walk on his heels," said daredevil Robbie Knievel. Shingo up the ante even further by then eating more fugu, walking on his heels, while watching the Jerry Springer Show. "That is one tough son of a bitch," said Knievel. "You just gotta take your hat off to those Japanese," he said admiringly.

Just try walking around the house on your heels for a few minutes. We dare you! Now eat some poorly prepared fugu. Okay, you did that? Now flip on Jerry Springer...still with us?

Chicago, IL -- The NHL announced today that they would follow-up their inaugural outdoor "Winter Classic" with a second year treat at Chicago's Wrigley Field.

NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman said, "We don't think our fans in 83 franchised cities with an 11-month season really get to see enough hockey." Bettman said that last year's game in Buffalo was so successful "but it wasn't quite cold enough so let's try some place a bit colder." Bettman added that ideally to enjoy hockey as it was intended the temperature should hover just above -273 on the Kelvin scale. "It should be so cold that if someone grabs your testicles they shatter like glass," he emphasized.

Buffalo fans were unanimous in their excitement about watching hockey in a football stadium. "Hockey is so much more exciting when you are far, far, far away from the action," said one fan. The NHL promised that they would address the obvious problem of following a puck from high atop an outdoor stadium. "We're going to develop some nifty puck following glasses," explained Bettman, "and we'll hand them out just like you were going to see a 3-D movie." "Or maybe we'll just invite 55,000 blind folks," he suggested. "Sure that's it, why not just invite the blind cause even though they can't see they can sure freeze their asses off?" suggested the excited commissioner.

Blind singer Stevie Wonder said, "A blind, black guy at an outdoor hockey game? I think there's a song here somewhere." Blind guitarist Jose Feliciano jumped at the opportunity to sing his only hit at the halftime show. "I'll sing 'Light My Fire' to warm everyone up and Janet Jackson can dance and let her left breast hang out and guess what, no problem, we're f***ing blind."

Seriously, can you follow the puck at a hockey game? You'd wear these if they had them, wouldn't you?

Taupee, MO -- Actor, athlete, voice of a generation, Mr. T, took a vicious beating at the hands of ultimate fighter, the bulked up Richard Simmons.

Mr. T, the former television and movie star of such critical successes as the "A-Team," bit off more than he could chew when stepping in a UFC ring. "I thought it was a USC ring and I said sure, I'll take one and the next thing you know I got my ass whupped and whupped good," said the aging T. "Mr. T is old," said Mr. T, "and when Mr. T bite something off that's big Mr. T can't chew cause Mr. T ain't have no teeth." And Mr. T don't have no hair neither.

"Ultimate fighting is one of the worst, bloody, inhumane activities know to man," said former fitness guru turned fight champion Richard Simmons. He quipped, "You thought I was gay, didn't you...admit it, come on, you did, didn't