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I'm Cranky. Here's why: by Cranky Guy You know what I'm a little tired hearing about. F***ing Tiger Woods f***ing knee. My f***ing back hurts, I got hemmoroids, really bad gas after eating nacho chips, and on top of all this, I've got this awful f***ing tooth ache that could be an abcess but I'm afraid of dentists so I'm just drinking a fifth of scotch every three hours. Does anyone give a shit? No! So f*** you Tiger Woods and you knee. Oh and did I mention I lost my job? And my not so good looking wife left me for the UPS driver that was dropping off about fifty packages a day from her compulsive home shopping network buying spree that she put on my Visa card. Tiger Woods? What's he worth? About two billion? And that wife? Shit? She'll be bringing him freshly squeezed orange juice in bed every morning and God knows, she's probably wearing some see-through nightie. So enough of feeling bad for Tiger Woods cause of this bullshit surgery. It's getting me real cranky! I just read this stupid article in the paper about this woman who takes old race horses and puts them on this retirement farm so they don't go to a slaughterhouse and end up in a "horseburger." So what she's doing is like running a nursing home for old horses. What the f*** is with these people and the racehorses? And after they die, who cares if we kill'em with a needle or a gunshot. The fact is, it's grilling time and I'm paying over $5.99 a pound for t-bone. I say if edible, let's set the table and start chowing down. In fact, if you're any type of retired lean athlete without a lot of body fat, let's eat you too. There's a lot of starving people out there and when you're time is up why not jump into a vat of chitpole marinade for a few hours? When I'm old and my racing days are over, and they are, take me to a Mexican slaughterhouse, wrap me in cellophane and put me in the meat display case. And slap on the $3.99 a pound sticker so I don't break anyone's bank. Look I don't want to get to scientific here, but all God is doing is re-arranging atoms every couple of seconds. So if one minute, I'm in a rocking chair and the next I'm in someone's intestines, that's just the way the cosmic cookie crumbles. So enough already with the equine nursing movement. Crack open a bottle of A-1 cause I'm cranky and hungry. May 26, 2008 Stupid fathers coaching their little pee-wee baseball phenom just piss me off. Yesterday, I'm sitting at the park enjoying some holiday sunshine trying to read a pornographic novel ins peace when this big. loud mouth douche bag of a human being shows up with his five-year old to pitch him batting practice. The kid has about as much interest in baseball as Rosie O'Donnell has in men. The old man begins pitching to the kid and big surprise the kid's whiffin' two hundred pitches in a row. You'd think the guy would take the kid home and plop him in front of the TV for a couple of hours of "Barney" or something but no, he's got to throw like two hundred more pitches. All the while shouting out like stupid shit like, "Hit the Ball" or "Keep your eye on the ball" No shit! I hate when fathers tell their sons to "Keep your eye on the ball." Where the hell else are we keeping our eyes? What kind of advice is that? "Thanks Dad, I was actually trying to watch the solar eclipse but keeping my eye on the ball was much more interesting." Stop it with all these stupid meaningless baseball phrases like "throw strikes" and "come on, get a hit". Don't express the obvious to a kid. The kid's not stupid. A f***ing Golden Retriever can figure out that in baseball you throw strikes and hit the ball. So fathers, shut up! You're making me cranky while I'm trying to read the erotic classic, "Lick My Cone." May 20, 2008 Freakin' kids and their skateboards. First of all, it sounds like thunder when they are rolling down the street. Second, they don't understand just how stupid they look. Did you ever see someone in their 30s on a skateboard? I mean other than to extreme athlete-idiots. There's a reason. They are too damn smart to be caught dead on a skateboard. Then these stupid kid try their 'tricks' and fall on their asses. While I applaud their pain, I hate the sound of a skateboard hitting concrete. It's even worse when the build ramps and are outside for hours acting like complete little jerks. Parents, take those skateboards away. Do you really want to be raising Bart Simpson? Ever notice Lisa doesn't skate? She's the smart one. Bastards. May 14, 2008 The hockey playoffs have me really pissed. I mean hockey is a damn Canadian sport, and not one team in the finals is going to be from Canada. You have Pittsburgh, Detroit, Dallas or Philadelphia (and it's not going to be Dallas or Philadelphia). It's re-damn-diculous. You know what. I want to be cranky about the hockey playoffs but I just can't be. I don't care. If the Kalamazoo Pirates play the Walla Walla Thunder, it just doesn't matter to me. Let any two teams play that want to play. Then let one of them win and skate around with that giant cup. Go ahead. See if I care. I'm sure someone will get hit in the teeth with some kind of stick. There will be blood. I'm okay with that. Just leave me alone about it. And I sincerely hope everyone eventually heels after getting hit in the groin with a puck. Good luck to all of you. I'll be over here getting pissed off at Reggie Bush finding Kim Kardashian attractive. Maybe I should have talked about that. May 3, 2008 Okay, what's with Kentucky Derby and all the friggin' hats. Honest to God, it looked like the 82nd Airborne parachuted behind enemy lines during one of those John Wayne war movies. That didn't make me that cranky actually because if you're from Kentucky, it's probably a good idea to wear a hat, cause you Kentucky people are ugly and you sing that "Old Kentucky Home" song which by the way is just plain stupid. Horses are racing and you guys are singing about your old Kentucky home and how the sun shines on it. What's steaming me is that the second place horse (I forget his/her name) falls after the race and they just kill the f***ing thing right there on the track. Jesus, Barbaro got like the champagne treatment of horse care and this poor schmuck, bam, shoot him right on the track. It's all who you know. Obviously, this horse did not have the right connections. Imagine, you slip, break a leg, and you're done. "But," they say, "it's the humane thing to do." Then I vote that we just take a lot of these f***ing people who are walking too slow and driving too slow and taking too much goddamn time sorting out their coupons in the check out line, and take them to Churchill Down and euthanize them. This horse wasn't bothering anyone, but I'll give those Derby people a list of folks we ought to euthanize. How about Paula Abdul? Wouldn't it be more humane to shoot her with Kevorkian cocktail than to bear another year of her on American Idol. Give me the horse over Paula! And think about it, You kill the horse and everyone goes on cheering. You kill Paula and everyone goes on cheering. Paula Abdul? that's why I'm cranky! April 21, 2008 I'm having a bowl of Lucky Charms with chocolate milk this morning, trying to sugar shock my pathetic body into some mode of action, all the while sitting in front of ESPN. And with huge fanfare, an announcer makes a big deal about ESPN Desportes. Now I'm no culture genius but even I know Desportes is Spanish for Sports. So I there saying to myself, "Okay, I'll practice my Spanish listening skills getting all the world's soccer scores in Espanol. After all, I was a four-year Spanish scholar despite the my teacher was a drunk with really bad body odor. But what happens, Raul or Tito or Domingo Hernandez comes on and gives the sports in English with a Mexican accent. Are you kidding me? He was doing the "Frito Bandito" thing and not one Spanish nor one English speaking person knew what the hell he was talking about. So what's the f***ing point? IF I'm going to watch the Desportes thing, I want to brush up on my muchachas and senoritas, not listen to Speedy Gonzales say, "So sorry Senor!" Call it ESPN Sports With An Accent! I wasted an entire good bowl of Lucky C's throwing my breakfast at the screen. Thanks, ESPN, you assholes! That's why I'm cranky! April 13, 2008 What's with this Master's crap? I'm sick and tired of listening to these English farts talk about this stupid friggin' Master's green jacket like it was a King's robe. Come on you win a big national tournament and they give you a green jacket? You can get one at Wal-Mart for like $29.99. And then they got this big, pomp-ass ceremony where one guy who won last year puts the jacket on the guy who one this year like they're going out on a date. Maybe that what they oughta do rather than bore the shit out of the rest of mankind with this silly golfing bullshit. And check out the names of these guys like Trevor and Stewart and Brandt. And how about the guy with the pink pants, Ian Poulter. Let's just tie him to a post and hit some five-irons at him. Oh, and how about giving names to the little footbridges. The Sarazen bridge? Like it's some major engineering achievement like the Taj Mahal. There's just so much about this stupid Augusta shit that make me cranky that I'm too cranky to be any crankier. April 6, 2008 You might be saying to yourself, why is cranky guy always so cranky. Well, if I knew the f***ing answer to that, then I guess I wouldn't be Cranky Guy. So stop saying stuff to yourself and leave me be! Oh, and by the way, yesterday I was stuck at a high school cheerleading competition. You think that did anything to uncrank me? F*** NO!!!! Talk about an event that makes you want to get a lead pipe and,...oh, I better watch what I say, there's all kinds of people watching out. They probably won't understand that I'm using lead pipe as a metaphor for my feeling being stuck at my niece's cheerleading competition. They'll probably think I'm one of those sickos who might get a lead pipe and harm an innocent, nubile cheerleader. No, I just want to beat my brother over the head for having a daughter and letting her grow up to be a cheerleader and then making me feel guilty that I never support the family and why don't I come to Melissa's cheerleading competition because it would show that I care about the family when in fact I don't but I thought I'd maybe have a change of heart until I got there and someone actually tried to convince me that cheerleading was a sport and oh shit, was I cranky! March 30, 2008 I'm up to here (I've got my hand up at my eyebrow as I write this) with that old, blowhard basketball commentator Bill Rafferty. Just shut up already. What is it with these old retired basketball people that makes them hang around and never go away. Like if you're at work or something and there's a real asshole that annoys everyone with like really stupid sayings, eventually he goes away. Someone fires him or someone punches him in the face or the company offers him early retirement and he moves to a trailer home in Kissammee, Florida or somewhere. But not Bill Rafferty. Where'd he coach anyway? Let's send him back there. And while we're doing that let's get a bus and send Billy Packer and Dickie V back with him. These self-appointed old basketball hacks have cost me a nice chunk of change cause I'm throwing shit at the TV trying to get them to shut up. And while I'm cranky, let's just admit, it's a f***ing basketball game. These are basketball players, not f***ing ancient Greek gods. Lay off the f*** hyperbole every twenty seconds when describing a shot. Just tell me he shot the ball from behind the three-point arc or he took a bank shot. No one's doing a "soft kiss off the glass." That would be in porn movie. So tone down the bullshit and lets get this Final Four thing over with. And that's why I'm cranky. March 25, 2008 Before the NCAA Tournament kicks up again, and especially before football starts up (Don't give me arena league. That's not football), I need to know what the deal is with the female sideline reporters. Is THIS the token female position? And so often it's an African American woman. We all got along just fine without them for years. Howard Cosell was all we really needed on Monday night. Clearly the networks were being hassled by some government agency barking at them for gender and or racial diversity. So they slap a female African American reporter or the sidelines and everything is alright. But it's really not. We see through this thin veil. These women are adding nothing. Don't tell me Jason Kidd is on the bench getting his ankle taped. I can see that. I got a better idea - put freakin TMZ on the sideline and let them tell me which cheerleader is banging George Clooney. Are that's being accomplished here is you're confusing old drunks like Joe Namath. Poor Joe wanted to get his Willy waxed. Now he's just confused and un-sober. He can't tell one from another. And something tells me he can't tell one from a cheerleader. Joe - that's s microphone she's holding. A micro-phone. For the record, Suzie Colbert should have kissed him. And that's why I'm cranky. March 21, 2008 I had to watch Bob Huggins this week. That's all I have to say. He makes me cranky. I just don't like the guy. Okay? He a big bully. Maybe he's not but he looks like one. And while I'm passing judgment on someone I've never met or will ever meet, may I add he just looks like a cheat. I don't care, he's got the look. He's cheating. If I had a convenience store and he came in, I'd watch him like a hawk cause I'm sure he's just waiting till I turn my back and he's going to pilfer some Wrigley's gum. Now West Virginia, you've got him. You may have gotten rid of that one louse Rich Rodriguez but now you're stuck with Huggy B. He'll probably recruit Maurice Clarett to play point guard next year. And if they both come in my convenience store, I'm just calling 911. March 10, 2008 It’s NCAA Tournament time of year. March Madness. The Tournament where every one of 64 teams have a chance to win a national championship. And it pisses me off. Don’t get me wrong. I love college basketball. And the Sweet 16 thru the championship game is some of the best basketball played with the most heart you’ll see anywhere. My issue is with the first 2 rounds. Do we REALLY need 64 teams? Should the 63rd best team in the nation really get a shot at the title? No way. And if we already know they aren’t going to win it all, what are they doing there in the first place? And think about those upsets. You secretly cheer for them, I know you do. But think about that 2 seed beating a 15 seed. It’s like sleeping with the fat chick instead of the good looking, but bitchy one. Sure it feels good for a few minutes, but then reality sets in. Hey! I just slept with a fat chick! And she’s going to call again… That’s right. If you slept with the fat chick instead of the bitchy good looking one, you’ll HAVE to deal with her again. So if Kansas is the good looking but bitchy girl you rejected, and Winthrop is the fat chick, and Winthrop BEATS Kansas in the first round, your next game is Winthrop against Michigan State. Do you really want to watch THAT game? No way. Not unless you’re a Michigan State fan and looking ahead. So I say NO! to fat chicks during the NCAA tournament. Just give me the hot girls, no matter how much of a pain in the ass they are, or how tired of looking at them we get. Go Misha Barton! Beat Ellen Degeneres!
February 21, 2008 Excuse me. Is there a war going on in Iraq? And Afghanistan? Is Iran developing nuclear power? Has our financial industry taken a hit? Is unemployment up? Is the economy turning to crap on a rope before my very freakin' eyes? Yeah, I think so. So what is my congress doing about it? Well, there going to solve all my problems by finding out whether or not Roger Clemens injected steroids into his ass or not. I happen to know the answer. You want to know the answer too? The answer is 'who gives a *#@%'? I mean it only effects baseball players and gamblers. But there is my senator, front and center asking the hard hitting questions of our days: Sir, did you cheat? As far as I'm concerned, I hope the bastard DID use steroids. If you're not cheating, you're not trying. And as a sports fan, I demand to see my athletes performs at their best. If that means a little HGH every now and then, do it! Now Senator Arlen Spector from PA wants an investigation on the New England Patriots videotaping scandal. What's the matter Senator? Afraid their going to tape you in the shower? So your Eagles lost in the superbowl. Let it go. Hell, I blame the Eagles for not cheating, too. So that's why I'm supporting Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama in the upcoming election. With her huge hips and his effeminate style, I doubt either of them are sports fan. Then maybe government will get back to doing what they are supposed to do - lying to us about foreign threats and starting wars. USA! USA! February 18, 2008 I tell what's really up my ass today. No snow. I went out in November and bought a $1,000 snowblower that does everything but blow you. And I did it because these f***king guys with that f***ing Farmer's Almanac said we're going to have record snowfalls this year. In fact the local weatherf***man keeps telling me, The big one's coming." Well guess what, I've got the snowblower all gased up and no snow and I'm out a thousand bucks. And my friend Steve asked me to go to New Orleans this weekend to watch the NBA All-Star game and that's right, I couldn't go cause I spent the big wad on the snowblower. So if anyone can believe I'm cranky cause I couldn't go to the NBA All-Star game then you must live under a rock. Cause going to the NBA All-Star game is like having all your pubic hair pulled out one by one with a pair of tweezers. Which means, it's not something I'd look forward to and like I wouldn't pay a thousand bucks to have my pubic hair pulled out with tweezers and likewise, I wouldn't pay a thousand bucks to fly to New Orleans for that bullshit thing they call basketball. JANUARY 24, 2008 What's with these f***ing pro football linemen who have to bare arm it on the coldest friggin' day in history. What? Are we supposed to be wowed cause you can take absolute zero on the Kelvin scale and not get cold? Wow, you're so much tougher than me. Look, you assholes, you're going to catch a cold. Simple as that. You're mother was right. And besides, after you catch a cold you won't be able to play next week and that dope who was undrafted and hung around the practice squad for the last six years is going to take your place. And I didn't buy a season ticket to see Homer Daffy from Sackinaw State block like the U.S Border Patrol. And another thing, to you big fat, overweight, low IQed offensive linemen...you're a drain on the health system. The rest of us have to try and keep from getting sick so we can go to our measly, shit, minimum wage jobs that don't have any f***ing health benefits so we can eck out enough money to get a quarter of tank of gas at $4.50 a f***ing gallon, while you bozos are pushing each other back and forth three feet a play for $3 million a year. You getting this? Knock it the f*** off and put on a goddamn long sleeve t-shirt. JANUARY 14, 2008 What the hell happened yesterday? I got robbed! I demand a recount!!! All damn season, the best teams in the AFC were the Patriots and the Colts. The best teams in the NFC were the Cowboys and the Packers. So what if they already played? So next weekend is the AFC and NFC Championship games. Probably the best one day of football of the season. And the stars were aligning for NFL perfection. Patriots at home in a Revenge playoff game against the Colts. The Cowboys and Packers both needing to prove they are for real. But much like a statement released by Lindsey Lohan, the stars lied to me. The Colts and Cowboys lost. So what the hell are we left with? Yeah, we still have the Patriots, but they get the Chargers. A team that up until 2 weeks ago hadn't won a playoff game in about 70 years. And on the other side we get Green Bay and the NY Giants. Let's see who to cheer for in this one. Think Packer fans are obnoxious now? Watch them if the Packers win. Do the Giants deserve to be there? Tom Coughlin? Eli Manning? Enough said. So I'm left cheering for the Patriots? I can't do that on principle. When does the NCAA Tournament start? I'm still having my superbowl party. And the hot wings better be damned good. I'll need something to kill time until the game is over. JANUARY 7, 2008 It's January 7 and I'm about to find out who the National Champion of college football will be. LSU or Ohio State. Why does that make me cranky? I should already know by now. When I was younger, New Year's Day was dedicated to no work, hangovers and Bowl Games. I was in heaven. I'm not talking about the 17th ranked team playing an unranked opponent. I mean #1 taking on #4, #2 against #6 and #3 taking on #5. It was freakin' glorious. Great football all day. NBC, CBS, and ABC packed with college football all day. And I'm not talking about the Toecheese Bowl or the Deformed by Shark Attack Bowl. It was the Cotton Bowl, Sugar Bowl, Orange Bowl and of course the Grand Daddy of them all the Rose Bowl. Then someone came up with the idea that bowls competing with each other for ratings can't make as much money. So let's put games on throughout the first week of January - one at a time. But at what price? One of the last parts of my childhood has died. They've taken my New Year's Day from me. Sure, I can still be hung over and I'm sure not going to work. But heaven is not complete without the big bowls. And frankly after January 1 I don't give a rats fat ass. NOVEMBER 28, 2007 Inspired by Sports Illustrated Sport Illustrated on line has a 'Cheerleader of the Week' feature, with 10-20 pictures of a coed in action. I'm a guy, of course I look. But then I got drawn into the Q&A portion of the cheerleader section. So I got a little bored with the T&A... They are all asked the same questions. And it's amazing how many of them said they can't live without Grey's Anatomy. I've never seen the show. Maybe it's because I have functioning testicles. But what really caught my eye was the response to the question: 'What is one misconception about cheerleading'. Of all the stereotypes I've herd about cheerleading, I've never heard that they are not athletes. The run, they jump, the tumble...I openly admit they do athletic stuff I can't do anymore. Yet, not being athletes was the most popular answer, even beating out 'we're stupid'. Though maybe they are stupid and therefore not really a misconception. But these cheerleaders need to understand that no one is questioning their athletic ability. We're just questioning your relevance. Do we need cheerleading? The premise was for students not talented enough to compete in a real sport would stand on the sidelines and prompt the student section as to the appropriate times to cheer. The activity (it's not a sport) has grown since the early days, but still consists of those not good enough for the gymnastics team or the dance squad. So cheerleaders are there for the game, right? So are we as fans. If all cheerleaders disappeared tomorrow, who would care? The real sports would go on. We'd live through time outs just fine. And your so called Cheer competitions? Let's be honest. No one cares unless they are directly involved in Cheer. No one. So the real misconception is a tie: Cheerleading is a sport, and cheerleading is relevant. I'd accept either answer as correct. So shut up, hike up that skirt and stick out that chest. Other than that, so what?
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Lauren Pomponio
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Allison Michelle Humbert
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Jody Reeves
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Taylor Hendrickson
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Ashley Pringle
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Tara Nicole Warrens
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Heather Jones
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Liza Boyer
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Stevie Freeman
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Jenn Crook
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Meredith Hoffman And my personal favorite:
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Valorie Darling Mr. Whipple passed on. That bums me out. I loved Mr. Whipple. And I love squeezing Charmin toilet tissue. Why the f$%^ to they call it toilet tissue? It's toilet paper. Does that sound so horrible to say on television. Do you ever sit stranded on the pot and scream out to a family member, "Hey can you please pass me a roll of toilet tissue?" Hell no, you need toilet paper to get the job done. You yell, "Yo, get me a roll of toilet paper and get it fast." And if someone's not around, what do you do? You shuffle with your pants down around the ankles and you find out, shit! someone used the last goddamn sheet of paper. You're gonna have leave the house without wiping your ass and either go down to the market and get some or stop in a McDonald's and wipe your ass in a public restroom. Either way, you're in for a bad day. This just happened to me and goddamnit, I'm cranky! It's Hallow-freakin-ween. Boo, you a-holes. You know what this means? It means I gotta choice. I can drag the kids around the neighborhood listening to them complain that their feet hurt or their costume is itchy. Or, I can stay home alone and answer the door for every little brat who can reach the doorbell. I try hard not to spit in their bag when they open it in front of my face. Maybe this is the year I reach into the bag and take candy out. They're kids, what are they going to do about it? So those are my choices. Good game on tonight? doesn't matter. I'll be jumping up every 2 minutes to answer the door. I could put the kids on the honor system, but the first kid will steal all the candy, and the rest will pound on the door. I don't need that. Filthy beggers. But staying home is still better than dragging the kids around the block. Hey, my neighbors already know and dislike my kids. I don't want them to be associated with me. And if I was going to be walking the neighborhood at night, it would be dressed all in black with binoculars. No, I don't want to explain. The last thing I want is to walk around with my 11 year old daughter who insists on dressing like a whore. Yeah, I know, I'm the parent, she should dress the way we tell her to. But she's really strong willed. And I'm very tired and don't want to fight. So go to hell, Halloween. That's the spirit, right?
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