If you want to get 'fugued' eat one of these puppies.
Fortunately this teen was spared from Snow's advances.
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September 2006
BILLIONAIRE STEVE FORBES LOSES ON CONTENDER; WILL NOT RUN FOR PRESIDENT AGAIN Los Angeles, CA -- Billionaire publisher and former Presidential candidate Steve Forbes lost the final round in the boxing reality drama, "The Contender." Forbes, who had spent a large amount of his own personal fortune to run for the U.S. Presidency, spent millions of dollars trying to win the "Contender" titles. After his failed attempt to win the Republican nomination several years ago, Forbes turned to boxing because, "I'm just desperate to win something." Forbes hired the best boxing minds he could find though he later quipped, "Isn't boxing minds an oxymoron?" He also spent considerable money in cosmetic surgery to become a black fighter. "Who's going to be afraid of a tall, dorky publisher in the ring?" Forbes asked. Though Forbes was dull and uninteresting to the American public as a political candidate, the country got behind him as a boxer. He and boxing journeyman Grady Brewer were finalist in the tournament that began with 16 fighters. Brewer broke through Forbes' 6'5'' frame with a series of quick jabs and landed a left hook to Forbes jaw that spelled the difference in the fight. Afterwards, Forbes said he retire from boxing and politics because "I'm a billionaire and I don't need anyone."
Forbes, editor and owner of Forbes magazine posed with his trainer said, "I'm saying GNP should rise a healthy 3% in 2007." HOCKEY FANS STILL ANGRY THAT HOCKEY STRIKE IS OVER Philadelphia, PA -- Hundreds of Philadelphia season ticket holders rioted at the Wachovia Center expressing continued frustration that the NHL strike was settled. "It's still an open wound," said Ed Dixey of Hollyfield. "To get a whole year off from watching hockey and now to have to come back and watch games is really tough and a lot of people are still angry." Fans vented frustration for over an two hours delaying the start of an exhibition game. Flyers GM Bob Clarke minimized the delay. "We got 11 and 1/2 months of hockey coming so we can wait. Fans can try all they want to slow down the start of the season but we'll persist and we'll play hockey." Several fans were carried out of the arena on stretchers. Bob Thorton, a veteran season ticket holder said while being wheeled out, "I'm one of the lucky ones, I'm going to a better place."
Fans vent anger at each other. The one cheering fan on the left was later punched and lost all of his upper teeth. T.O. POISONED? DRAGNET EXPANDS Dallas, TX -- Terrell Owens was rush to a Dallas hospital after experiencing a serious bout of vomiting either caused by a allergic reaction to painkillers or by poisoning. "Someone's trying to kill me," said T.O. between heaves. T.O. is convinced someone slipped something poisonous in his food. The Dallas police were called in to investigate. "Right now, we've got about 300 million suspects throughout the country," said detective Marc Fereman. "We're working on the assumption that everyone would want to poison T.O., even old ladies and nuns," added Fereman. Dallas coach Bill Parcells denied being a key suspect. "I won't say I'd be happy or sad if T.O. was poisoned and I'm not saying if I'd do it or not do it, as a coaching decision But we'll run our normal offense this Sunday." Owens agent Drew Rosenhaus had no comment.
Police displayed the prescription for painkillers given to Owens by the Cowboy medical staff. CARDINALS TO PLAY IN THE UNIVERSITY OF PHOENIX STADIUM Phoenix, AZ -- The Arizona Cardinals announced that they would play their home games in the newly christened "University of Phoenix Stadium." "It's a perfect marriage," said University of Phoenix CEO spokesperson Dan Packer. "We're virtual on-line university and their a virtual football team." Packer explained that, "it was too damn expensive to start a football team for a virtual school so it was just cheaper to adopt the Cardinals, who will probably be able to compete at the virtual college level." Several on-line colleges are wrestling with idea of starting athletic teams. A virtual on-line University athletic director said, "It's a bitch trying to get everyone together for practice when they're logging in from all over the world." He added, "Last year we forfeited 11 games because no one ever shows up." Cardinal players say they are very excited about the new arrangement. Coach Dennis Green said, "We'll just log in the computer and check out porn sites. It should improve our record."
The Cardinals will now be known as the "Arizona Mouses" or the "Mice."
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY GETS EVEN WITH WHITE SOX Cleveland, OH -- White Sox outfielder Scott Podsednik will be a bit more careful the next time he orders a pizza for delivery. Podsednik had ordered a pizza with anchovies, black olives, and tabasco from a local Cleveland pizza shop before Monday's game against the Indians. The pizza was delivered to Podsednik's hotel room by 26-year old Leonard Lechinski. The bill came to $10.69 without tip and Podsednik only had $11. "A guy makes a couple of mil a year and gives me a $.31 tip?" asked Lechinski. Lechinski let the incident get the better of him but waited patiently in left field. In the 4th inning Podsednik went after a deep fly to left center and Lechinski was there waiting for him with a left hook. Podsednik later inquired, "What is the proper tip rate for a pizza delivery? It's always been a vexing problem for me." Lechinski defended himself by saying that most people give between a dollar to a dollar and a half on one pizza but $.31 was a record low. "A one pizza delivery usually has disaster written on the hot box," said Lechinski. Veterans in the business say that after a while a good delivery guy is going to stay away from the one pie delivery. But one driver added, "Any tip less than a dollar is an automatic punch in the mouth."
You may calculate the pizza delivery tip using the formula 2x X 3ab/ 5c < .31. JAPANESE GOLFER TAKES 19 ON PAR 3; EATS POISONOUS FISH AND DIES Tokyo, Japan -- Japanese golf pro Mitsuhiro Tateyama set a Japanese record by taking a 19 on a par-3 hole at the Ishioka Golf Club. The 38 year-old hit his second shot in the bushes and then took fourteen swings to hack the ball out. But he later pointed out, "no three putty," after he got the ball on the green on the eighteenth shot and sunk the putt. After enduring the worst public humiliation since George Bush Sr. threw up on the Japanese Prime Minister, Tateyama retired to a Japanese restaurant where he committed suicide eating the famed Japanese "puffer fish." "The eyes and internal organs of most pufferfish are toxic and will kill you instantly if ingested," said Emeril. "The Japanese call the fish 'fugu' because if you eat the wrong part of the fish. you're fugued," added the famed chef. Tateyama ate several eyes, livers, and large intestines. Observers say he was definitely 'fugued.' ORIOLES DH ASSAULTS WIFE WITH FOUL BALL Baltimore, MD -- Jay Gibbons, the designated hitter for the Baltimore Orioles, injured his wife on Saturday by hitting a foul ball. Gibbons wife, Laura, said, "I've been warning people all year that he's been going after me at every game." Gibbons defended himself by saying, "She's just a little bruised up. It's not like I hit her with the bat." The scene occurred in the ninth inning of the Orioles-Twins game. Several spectators believed Gibbons was intentionally trying to hit his wife. One fan said, "He had that crazed look in his eyes like before a guy goes crazy and hits his wife." Phillies pitcher Brett Meyers, who earlier in the season had a little spat with wife battering, said, "Wow, what a creative way to hit your wife. Hit with a foul ball and make it look like an accident.Why didn't I think of that?" Laura Gibbons later said upon her release from the hospital, "I still love Jay. I know people might say he'll do it again, but luckily he strikes out a lot."
Gibbons grimaces after he missed his wife during an earlier attempt to hit her with a foul ball. BULLRIDER SWALLOWS CHEWING TOBACCO San Antone, TX -- A veteran bullrider swallowed a fifteen ounce wad of chewing tobacco while riding a bull during the San Antone Rodeo and 4H exhibition. Doctors say that x-rays reveal the tobacco wad is lodged somewhere between the duodenum and the colon. "It's a pretty substantial wad but your talking a lot of intestine. We're gonna go in and get this thing and wrestle it on out." The rider Casey Willoughby is said to be resting comfortably but he said, "It feels like my insides are chewing. I guess that's taking my mind off the bull horn I took to the testicles." Accidentally ingested chewing tobacco is the number one health hazard on the rodeo tour. Doctors say that stalled colon tobacco cannot be flushed out with conventional means. Jockweb medical expert Dr. Ferd Grifing explained, "sometimes you've got go in light it and smoke it out."
X-rays further revealed the rider ingested a fair amount of bull snot. HUNTERS TRACK ELUSIVE LARGE THIRD GRADER El Douche, NM -- Bow and arrow hunting season began this week in New Mexico with a record number of hunters applying for permits. Fish and Game wardens throughout the state issued thousands of permits for hunters interested in going after the prized Wapiti. Two hunters, though unlucky enough to bag the 1,000 Wapiti, did manage however to corner an overweight third grader. "He's not a Wapiti but he's pretty damn big," said hunter Ted Nugent. The hunters got a clean shot at the boy of Italian descent in the school yard. The boy took the first arrow which slowed him down but continued inside his elementary school. The hunters managed to close in on the boy in the gymnasium and finish him off. Nugent said, "Overweight Italian boys are deceptively tough to bring down." Nugent said that with America's ever growing obesity problem, "the hunting has never been better."
Bow and arrow hunters closing in on the prized "Big Louie." DRAG RACER ACCUSE OF MOLESTING BOY; A REAL FUNNY CAR Dallas, TX -- A noted drag racer, Gene "The Snowman" Snow surrendered to Sheriff officials after authorities issued a warrant for his arrest on suspicion of sexual assault of a child. Snow, 69, is one of the top 50 drivers in the organization's history. He was the first Funny car driver to break 200 mph. Sheriff Will Dume said, "Apparently he could drive pretty fast with one hand on the wheel. Funny car with funny business." Bishop William Parcells of Dallas asked, "There's a huge child molestation problem in drag racing? Wow, what a relief that is!" The victim, now 17, said that Snow paid him for sexual favors, up to $30 on a couple of occasions. He said that he called the Texas Rangers but they were in the middle of a doubleheader. Later the Rangers executed a search warrant in August and seized two computers, several sex toys, and a very worn out bobblehead doll from the back of Snow's car. STEINBRENNER GETS CLEAN BILL OF HEALTH; COULD LIVE FOREVER Tampa, FL -- Yankees owner George Steinbrenner says he's fit and feeling great and if you don't believe him, "come watch me work out in the gym." Steinbrenner warned, "I think I can live forever." Steinbrenner denied rumors that he had a recent stroke. "I'm not ill, I work out daily, and I can still have sex. Even though I'm really rich, I can't find any one to help me out on the sex part." Dr. Randall Cunningham, Steinbrenner's personal physician, said, "I tell George that he's going to live until he's at least 150 or else he'd get rid of me." Cunningham added that though most people wouldn't believe him but "God appeared to me and ordered me to keep Steinbrenner alive indefinitely." God also revealed that Steinbrenner is sort of one of those original sins we inherited after Eve ate the apple.
Original sin? He's here for some time now. BLACK COACHES GIVE NCAA C+ Indianapolis, IN -- A group of black coaches from the Black Coaches Association said the situation nationally for black coaches is improving but there is a long way to go before there is equal opportunity. "A lot of schools have done a good job," said Wilson Pickett, "but several are seriously lagging behind." He added, "we probably would have given them a higher grade but Al Sharpton was shut out of the coaching ranks for the 25th consecutive year." A Sharpton representative said, "Sharpton is once again disappointed and hurt, yet angry." Sharpton, who had no previous football experience has wanted to coach either a Division I program or an NFL franchise. "I can coach," said Sharpton. "It's not a matter that I can't yell like a coach, cause I can yell, scream, and get in people's faces." Pickett said, "One day Al Sharpton will win the Super Bowl."
"Coach Al Sharpton just feels right, don't it?" asked Sharpton yesterday. TIGER'S OUTRAGE SENDS JOCKWEB STOCK PLUMMETING New York, NY -- Tiger Woods' outrage toward a Irish publication who posted pictures of Woods' wife and linked them to a porn site, has had a ripple effect on the sport satire industry. Woods directed his fury toward publisher Dublin Media Limited for posting pictures that were supposedly Mrs. Woods with no clothes on. Dublin Media defended themselves saying that it was satire and "we didn't think anyone would take us seriously." That quote alone, sent Jockweb's shares prices to below $.0000001 per share on the New Yurk Stock Exchange. "You mean we can't post nude pictures of Tiger's wife?" asked Jockweb publishing magnate Shecky Sheckstein? In a prepared statement Sheckstein added, "Not that we would. But the sports satire industry is crucial to the economic health of the United States. We rely on half truths, lies, and an occasional fake nude photo to excite and titillate our readers. And we don't have the time or ethical backbone to check sources or legitimacy of information. If Tiger Woods can stop internet commerce then we ought to just unplug our PC's, crowd golf courses, and slow up play. He wouldn't like that a bit. So I say to Mr. Woods, be flattered that doctored nude photos of your wife exist. There isn't a man alive who didn't wish he was married to a woman whose doctored nude photos were keeping men's hands occupied throughout the industrial world." Bravo! Mr. Sheckstein, bravo!
Mrs. Tiger Woods (supposedly) posing as a librarian. Sheckstein reassured investors that there were no links to any pornagraphic librarian sites. PAC-10 ADMITS OFFICIALS WORK CHEAP Eugene, OR -- Officials from the Pacific Ten Conference admitted today that the officiating debacle at last week Oregon-Oklahoma game was a result of the cost cutting measures. The league has been hiring undocumented aliens to officiate football games because as one official put it, "They'll do a game for a third of what we have to pay our regular officials." The official added, "Until Saturday, we hadn't had too many people complain. It didn't matter if their English was bad, in football they just had to use hand gestures." But in the wake of a replay controversy where the official awarded a call to Oregon that resulted in the game being stolen from Oklahoma, critics of the hiring programs are calling for major changes. Oklahoma coach Bob Stoopes said that Oklahoma would not schedule any games against Pac-10 teams until the situation was rectified. "They should call it the Paco-10," added Stoopes. President Bush asked, "Are football officials covered under NAFTA?"
This official was suspended for two games because of a bad fumble call.
USC COMPLAINS ABOUT MUSBURGER REVEALING SECRET SIGNS Los Angeles, CA -- The University of Souther California complained that ABC-TV's Brent Musburger revealed private information about a player in his play-by-play announcing during Saturday's game against Nebraska. Musburger revealed to the audience that at several key moments during the game, Quarterback John David Booty signals a surfers type raised thumb and finger. Musburger said that Booty was giving women in the stands the 'hang loose' sign. "John David likes to let women know that underneath all of that football equipment, he's hanging loose," said Musburger. "That's right fans, in a tight game John David doesn't like tightie-whities." Booty later told reporters that he confided in Musburger that fact that he doesn't like underwear but he thought Musburger would respect his confidentiality. Musburger defended his actions by saying, "In a close game, I have an obligation to give as much player background as I possibly can. And by the fourth quarter I'm usually out of good material so I went with the underpants thing."  Booty wanted to reassure female fans that his Trojan horse is on the loose. WOMAN REJECTED BY DEFENSE; GOES ON RAMPAGE Tuscaloosa, AL -- A desperate college freshman whose advances were rejected by a group of male fans went on a rampage during the Alabama football game. Hailme Akab wanted very badly to participate in a human sign spelling out the word 'defense.' However there were adequate letters to spell the word by the time Hailme arrived. Stadium security director George Wallace explained the scene this way. "Hailme got her purdy lil body pained ever so nice and red but the boys ain't interested in a pained woman with clothes on." Hailme tried to add herself to the word but was spawned by d-e-f-e-n-s and e. Hailme could not take the rejection and then went on the rampage. "Fortunately," said Wallace, "no one got hurt during the rampage. It was just one of those rampages where nothing really happened. In fact I think I might even reduce it to a tantrum." After the game Hailme went home and took a bath. "That's news in Alabama," said Wallace.
Akab vying for attention on the far right. BAMBINO CELEBRATES 111th BIRTHDAY WITH FRIENDS (reported by Jockweb's Eric Tiltissue) Baltimore, MD -- Former Yankee great Babe Ruth celebrated his 111th birthday in his hometown of Baltimore. There were thousands of people on hand for the birthday/crabfest in Ruth's honor. Ruth was speechless and was unmoved by the outpouring of goodwill. Cab driver Larry Shrug commented, "He didn't even have any crabs. To tell you the truth there was a little too much bay seasoning on them." Felix Peppers, a bookmaker, added, "Mabye Babe isn't showing any emotion cause odds are Ryan Howard is going to pass the 61 homer mark. Or mabye he speechless cause he's dead." Baltimore city officials said this was positively the last time they would dig up Ruth for a birthday party.
Ruth also declined cake and ice cream. JOCKWEB HEALTH WARNING: DO NOT EAT STADIUM SPINACH Dr. Horatio Dinglebarry of the Jockweb Institute for the Advancement of Health and Science has issued a warning as a public service to our readers: Do Not Under Any Circumstances Eat Stadium Spinach At Sporting Events! Dr. Dinglebarry said, "Spinach can be found in so many stadium foods that we felt it was necessary to warn the public. You want to stay away from spinach hot dogs in particular. But in addition, there is a danger of e coli contamination in spinach pop corn and spinach french fries." Rex Freedlander of the Association of Stadium Concessionaires said, "We want the public to understand that we're on top of the spinach problem and that we are seeking alternative substitutions to our spinach products. We know that the public demands clean, bacteria free spinach stadium products and we'll get through this crisis so fans can get back to enjoying their favorite spinach foods."
Dr. Dinglebarry issued a stern warning to stay away from the very popular stadium "spinach and salmon in puff pastry." RUNNER FOLLOWS WRONG PACE CAR; ENDS UP 271 MILES OFF COURSE Philadelphia, PA -- Distance runner Abdi Abdirahman was cruising along nicely in the Philadelphia Distance run on the way to breaking the American record in the half-marathon category. Unfortunately Abdirahman followed what he thought was a directional pace car and quickly went off course. Race officials say they use a pace car to keep runners on course but by mistake Abdirahman followed the wrong car. "I saw this really nice Mustang and it looked like it was going towards the finish line but it turned out that the driver had no connection to the race," explained Abdirahman. "I followed it for what seemed to be a hundred miles and then the thought struck me, I may be lost." Lost he was. Abdirahman ended up hundreds of miles off-course and arrived in Pittsburgh on the opposite side of Pennsylvania. "I did sort of wonder, wow this doesn't seem like a half-marathon, and there wasn't anyone at the finish line," said the winded runner. The good news is however that Abdirahman did get the record for running across the state. "I feel damn good about that," smiled Abdirahman.
Abdirahman about 50 miles outside of Pittsburgh. MIAMI STUDENTS COMPLAIN OF BACK PAIN Coral Gables, FL -- Several students at the University of Miami were admitted to the hospital after experiencing severe pain watching their team suffer it's second straight defeat at the hands of Louisville. Hospital officials say that many students have experienced a psycho-somatic condition where the back pain may be connected to their feelings of carrying coach Larry Coker. Student Sandy Schultz agreed that it feels like she carried a two hundred pound bald guy around on her back for the past few weeks. "Coach Coker just weighs us down," said Schultz. She added, "No one had bad backs when Jimmy Johnson coached." A similar outbreak of back pain occured in Miami several years back when Dave Wannstadt coached the Dolphins.
This student calls out for canes because "standing and watching Miami is just that painful." BLONDE FINDS SOUL MATE; SPELLS NEW WORD State College, PA -- By an amazing coincidence, two college co-eds found each other at yesterday's Penn State-Youngstown State football game. Mindy Fleischman and Rhonda Fleming came together to form new meanings with their body paint. "This is a sign from God," said Fleischman. "I was looking for my old boyfriend Joe, and Rhonda was looking for her father," she explained. "All of a sudden we were standing next to one another and when we looked at our tummies we had spelled out the coach's nickname. Wow, isn't that fascinating?" asked the blonde sophomore. Fleming said that she never anticipated that she would meet her soul mate "in such a random fashion among 110,000 spectators." But she added, "If we can hook up to spell a word, I think that's a pretty good sign of life long compatibility."
Fleischman and Fleming say the next week they'll attempt to spell Nittany Lions on their stomachs. POLICE RAID SWISS CYCLIST APARTMENT Zurich, Switzerland -- Police raided the apartment of Swiss cyclist and former Tour de France winner, Jan Ullrich. Ullrich was fingered as part of a growing Spanish doping scandal where athletes took doping drugs by disguising the names of the drugs using Spanish words. Cyclists took performance enhancement drugs under the name dopa, el dopa, la dopa, la perfomo enhancimo, el bigusto musselos. Ullrich allegedly imported these drugs into Switzerland where no one could understand Spanish. Police said the scene inside the Swiss cyclist's apartment was rather...Swiss. The police confiscated Swiss cheese, Swiss chocolate, Swiss army knife, and a Swiss clock. "This guy is Swiss alright," said a police spokesperson. "He also had a Swiss dog with a barrel of Swiss hot chocolate for the Swiss Alps." He added, "Ullrich is one tricky Swiss guy who also has millions stashed away in a Swiss bank account."
Police also confiscated this Swiss woman. Ullrich was allowed to keep the cheese, chocolate, army knife, clock, and the dog. MICHELLE WIE GETS JOB WITH 84 LUMBER Stockton, CA -- Home improvement giant 84 Lumber has signed golfer Michelle Wie to a new job. "Michelle will work in aisle 8 in our Stockton store," said manager Bo Schremp. "She's not to good with wood or iron, but with some training we think she can move to a register within a few weeks." Wie threw in the towel in her attempt to join the men's pro tour. "She'd probably be better cutting wood than trying to hit one," said Scott Verplank. "Working for 84 Lumber is probably a good move for her. Mabye they can put her in toilets and plumbing, cause that's where her golf is." Wie said that she'll probably just work after school a few afternoons a week and "count my endorsement checks. Am I bad investment or what?"
Wie's attempt to play on the PGA men's tour is fast approaching Aisle 5. PACKERS WIN OPTIMIST CLUB AWARD AFTER SIGNING KORO Green Bay, WI -- The Optimist Club of America awarded the Green Bay Packers and their head coach Mike McCarthy their coveted "Wow You're Optimistic," prize. The prize is given annually to an individual or organization who takes an optimistic action in the face of overwhelming pessimism. The Packers signed receiver Koran Robinson after he was released for a series of off-field incidents in Minnesota. Green Bay signed Robinson to a two-year contract though he faces jail time and a year long suspension by the NFL. "I know that optimists see the glass half full, but in this case it's half full of vodka," said an Optimist representative. "To the tell you the truth, there's not an optimist member in the country who would have inked this deal," he added. A local Green Bay fan and heroin addict said, "Hey I'm optimistic too, the spoon is definitely half-cooked," he sighed.
Gotta love these optimist metaphors, the syringe is half-full too. BASEBALL COACH SENTENCED FOR AUTISTIC 'BEANING' INCIDENT; HAPPY ENDING ENSUES 
Dustin Hoffman as Raymond,
was beaned in the movie by his t-ball coach.
COWBOYS, JONES BUY STADIUM LAND FOR MILLIONS Arlington, TX -- In the largest payout for residential property acquired for the new Dallas Cowboys stadium, the city and the Cowboys have agreed to give a 72-year-old woman $2.75 million for her house and four acres. Cowboy owner Jerry Jones was said to have felt swindled by homeowner Evelyn Wray. "Basically, I got kicked in the acres, if you know what I'm saying," said Jones. "Christ, it's Arlington not New York. If a man's gonna get a screwing like that I oughta be able to take my pants off," continued the irate Jones. Wray said that although she's 72 and hasn't been intimate with a man since the Eisenhower administration, "I'd have sex with Jerry Springer before I'd have sex with Jerry Jones." Wray added, "But for 2.75 mil how about if I give him a hickey?"
Wray told reporters that with $2.75 million, "I'm gonna treat myself to a shave." PUNTER BLAMES TONYA HARDING FOR STABBING TEAMMATE Greeley, CO -- A backup punter at Northern Colorado has been accused of stabbing the starting punter in his kicking leg but denies the allegations. Mitch Cozad, a sophomore from Wheatland, Wyoming allegedly attacked Rafael Mendoza in a parking lot last week. Cozad said that his girlfriend Tonya Harding plotted and executed the attack. Cozad met Harding at a jello wrestling match and the two immediately were attracted to one another. Cozad explained, "Tonya pressured me to be the number one punter. She became obsessed that I was the backup punter and thought I had a tighter spiral than Mendoza." Harding, who has traveled down this road before, tried to talk Cozad into hitting Mendoza's leg with a pipe. She became frustrated when Cozad hesitated. Harding took a butter knife from a local Applebee's and thrust it into Mendoza's leg. "She must really love me," said Cozad. "I'm hoping I can punt a good average this weekend just for her," he added. "She may be a deranged psychopathic ex-Olympic hopeful who's career ended in a soap box tragedy but she's my deranged psychopathic ex-Olympic hopeful."
It may be unoriginal, mean and cruel to pick on TH but it just never loses the fun. SOCCER GOALIE ACCUSED OF 'GROPING' Milan, Italy -- A soccer goalie to Milan A.C. was arrested in a city bar for allegedly fondling a waitress. Waitress Pleaza Toochamabresto said that Milan goalie Enzo Watto approached her and "place his handzos right ono my chesto." Watto raised his hands and confessed, "I do grabba the tatos but I goalie, can usa my hands." The magistrate said it would probably be a test case for the courts. "Canna da goalie toucha the tatos with handzos and woulda be problemo ifa he usa his feets?" Women's groups throughout the world are watching this case closely. Hortense Lucy, President of "No Man Will Ever Lay A Hand On Me" commented, "If men can use their feet they'll continue to walk all over us."
Pleaza Toochamabresto, only if you insist. FORMER GOVERNOR McGREEVEY WANTS TO COACH Trenton, NJ -- Former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey announced on the "Oprah Winfrey Show" that "I want to coach." McGreevey, who stepped down from the Governor's office during a messy sex scandal, said, "I'm a certified life skills coach and I think I'd make a heck of a Little League coach." McGreevey added, "I'm a good organizer and I love kids." McGreevey aide Soma Lubrikation said, "He's totally unemployable so we think a volunteer position is a good career move." McGreevey was accused of trading sexual favors for political office. He resigned after he was accused by one of his male appointment of sexual harassment. "I'm out is a baseball expression. Like I'm out at home. I know all about bats and balls. Besides, America has a short memory," said McGreevey to Oprah.
"If they'll buy my book, then I'm sure they won't have any problem with me as a coach. " BENGALS LOSES STARTERS TO JAIL; HOT GROUPIE TO LINE UP Cincinnati, OH -- Cincinnati Bengals coach Marvin Lewis announced today that the Bengals were struggling as player losses become critical. 38 of the 44 Bengal players have been arrested and as Lewis explained, "We've got six guys left and about ten coaches so we've got to do something." Lewis said that there's not many free agents left out there but, "we've got some nice babes hanging around our practice facility." The Bengals think local model and self-admitted "Bengal groupie," Cheryl Phew might get the nod at outside linebacker. Phew, a luscious blonde said, "I bleed Bengal orange. I guess I really don't bleed orange. I think I bleed red but red's close to orange, isn't it?" Lewis thinks Phew could be the best looking Bengal ever but "she's gonna have some trouble with the playbook."
The depleted Bengals prepare for this Sunday's game. POPE RATTLES MUSLIMS; LIKES EAGLES CHANCES Munich, Germany -- Pope Benedict irked Muslims around the world in a speech to Catholic theologians yesterday in his old stomping grounds Germany. The Pope commented that, "this jihad stuff is nutty and lets get some old fashion crusades going again." But the big surprise of the speech came when Benedict predicted that the Philadelphia Eagles are headed for the Super Bowl. "I know it's only Week 1," said the white haired pontiff, "but Donovan's groin seems healed and that Stallworth guy was a great free agent signing." Benedict went on to say, "If the Cowboys don't go with Romo this weekend, I can see an 0-2 start with Bledsoe." Coach Andy Reid said, "I'm a Morman but anytime the Pope speaks out on football, I'm all ears."
Benedict also said, "I tink the Vikings are going to surprise some folks." LONG SNAPPERS WANT NAME CHANGE New York, NY -- In what could be his first major decision of his new tenure as NFL commissioner, Roger Goodall is being asked by some players for a position name change. "For years the guy who centers the ball on punts and field goals has been called the long snapper," Goodall explained. "Some players feel that the terminology needs to change." Cleveland's long snapper Ralph Schumacher asked, "How would you like to be called a long snapper?" Schumacher said that for years snapper had a remote sexual meaning. "Remote shit," Schumacher barked, "A snapper was street talk for a vagina. And I'm tired of being called a long vagina." Goodall said any name change would have to be voted on by the rules committee. "Personally I think long snapper works fine. We could called them big hosers but I love snapper."
We thought long snapper was a New England fish. ZINDANE AND MATARAZZO MAKE UP; ALL IS GOOD WITH WORLD Paris, France -- Under executive orders from FIFA, Francesco Martarazzo and Zinedine Zindane were forced to make up. FIFA President Gelli Croissant said, "We Europeans like to kiss and make up so let's get the party started." Zindane and Martarazzo agreed to comply with the order and met on the field where they last departed as enemies. At first they were a little hesitant. It was suggested that they exchange shirts. When both men undressed, they mutually realized they were attracted to one another. "One brief make up kiss turned into a long embrace," said Zindane. Both players agreed that their earlier disagreement was just a misunderstanding. "But," Martarazzo added, "making up is not hard to do."
After an "I'm sorry," both men caressed. "This is normal in Europe," explained Zindane. ANNA KOURNIKOVA BATTLING DEPRESSION Moscow, Russia -- Tennis star Anna Kournikova arrived home in Russia to begin treatment for depression. After a poor showing in the U.S. Open and loss of advertising work to her Russian rival, Maria Sharapova, Kournikova said, "I wanted to be the Canon girl who snaps camera but Canon said I can't fit in picture." Advertisers are considering dropping Kournikova as a company representative because of what appears to be a spiraling weight issue. One anonymous advertising executive said, "On the hot babe meter, Anna's below freezing." Kournikova is said to have "out of control drinking and eating binges." A close friend said that Anna realizes that "there's only a minute or so left in her fifteen minutes of fame and that makes her sad." Sharapova commented, "Oh yeah I'm hot and tough shitsies for AK."
Kournikova's coach said that, "Indeed Anna has lost a step or two." MARIA SHARAPOVA WINS U.S. OPEN;
CONVERTS TO ISLAM "I
feel so free now," stated Sharapova. Ironically, the religion will now
basically place her in bondage. Maria Al-Sharapovali lined up in the wrong direction in her first act as a Muslim. GRANDMOTHER BEATEN BY BAND MEMBER AT HALFTIME SHOW Tuscaloosa, AL -- A elderly grandmother was injured after embarrassing her grandson by dancing during the band's halftime show. Sherry Whiner explained from her hospital bed, "I just wanted to get up and be crazy. The band was playing some 60's music and that was my time." Whiner stepped on the 50 yard line and did the froog and the boogaloo but unfortunately mortified her grandson who plays the coronet in the band. "It's bad enough that my grandmother follows me everywhere, but the dancing just put me over the edge," said sophomore Mogan David. "She wouldn't get off the field no matter how much I protested. Finally I had to hit her with my instrument." Whiner was knocked unconscious and was taken to the hospital by EMT's for observation. A specatator remarked, "Usually I don't pay attention to the band but if this kind of thing can happen more often, I may take up an instrument." David added, "The coronet's a rental and now that I bent it up hit Grandmom, I probably won't get my deposit back."
Sherry Whiner just 'feeling groovy' right before her grandson Mogan (right) hit her with the coronet. NCAA PASSES HUMAN BILLBOARD LEGISLATION Indianapolis, IN -- The NCAA announced that it would no longer tolerate tops in human billboards. The action takes place in response to a disturbing trend that has slowly crept into college football stadiums. Painted tank tops have gradually invaded the once paint on skin practice. An NCAA spokesperson said, "Tradition is very clear on this point. IF you are going to participate in a human billboard, the letters must be painted on flesh. Tank tops and the like will be strictly prohibited." Fans were divided over the issue but the majority of billboard participants who we spoke to said they were happy that the NCAA finally stepped in. One fan exclaimed, "This is a victory for body painters throughout the country."
Beginning next week, 'G' and 'L' would not be permitted to wear tank tops. CHAD JOHNSON 2006 END ZONE WATCH Cincinnati, OH -- Bengals wide receiver Chad Johnson has spent considerable time and money in the off-season rehearsing and perfecting the art of end zone celebration. End zone celebration is a relatively recent form of artistic expression but Johnson has established himself as the Picasso of the Pigskin. Throughout the year Jockweb will preview Chad Johnson's weekly performance. For his first performance Johnson will catch a touchdown, convert to Islam under the goalpost, recruit the backup tight end to strap a bomb to himself and run to the opposing bench and blow up Bill Cowher. "I think the fans are really going to like Sundays this fall," said the proud Johnson.
Oddsmakers are divided whether or not Cowher will be back on the sidelines after the suicide bombing. T. O. CAUSES NEW STIR IN BIG D Dallas, TX -- Terrell Owens fresh off a hamstring injury that caused tension between his coach Bill Parcells and himself, has further endeared himself to his fellow Cowboys and fans. Owens' agent Drew Rosenhaus announced today that Owens is requesting several more stars be added to his Cowboy helmet. Rosenhaus explained, "The helmet they gave him only has two stars on it and T.O. would like at least four to six. It might have been America's team but now it's mine." Owens said through his agent, "More stars on the helmet or else I don't play." Owens also asked Cowboys owner Jerry Jones to drop the "s" off of the end of Cowboys and just call the team the Dallas Cowboy. Jones has been sensitive to keeping Owens happy since his arrival did promise to change Bill Parcell's nickname from Big Tuna to Owens favorite, "That big fat guy that yells at me."
Owens submitted the model for the new Cowboy helmet. The new logo would feature T.O. on a horse. STALKER ORDERED TO STAY AWAY FROM UECKER; MARV ALBERT TO HELP Milwaukee, WI -- A woman accused of stalking Hall of Fame baseball announcer Bob Uecker will have to stay away from him for four years under a restraining order issued on Thursday. The court said that Ann Ladd, 45, a devoted Brewers fan may not have contact with Uecker. The judge in the case said, "Let me get this straight. Mr. Uecker is 72 years old and a woman is stalking you to the point where she wants to have sex with you and you want me to restrain her?" Fellow announcer Marv Albert, no stranger to kinky sex, volunteered to help the court by accommodating the stalker. "If she wants to stalk, I'm available," said Albert. "The only caveat for Miss Ladd is that she should have her shots. Sometimes in the heat of passion, I bite like a Doberman."
"Stalk me all you want,"
were Marv's words to Ms. Ladd.
KANSAS JAYHAWKS MAKE INFANT BUY A TICKET Lawrence, KS -- When Owen and Lisa Foust headed to the Kansas Jayhawks' opening football game last Saturday, they wrapped their 3-month old daughter Kate in swaddling clothes to go with them. But when they got to the gate, the ticket taker told them they needed an additional $35 ticket for their baby. "Are you f%^&in kidding me, was all I could say," explained Mrs. Foust. Kansas official stated their policy is that if an infant takes a seat, he or she pays for that seat. Young Kate Foust would not take such treatment lightly. "We encouraged Kate to scream for the entire four quarters annoying everyone in our section. And just for good measure, we laid Kate on a seat without a diaper on. And after some formula and some Gerber peas, Kate cooperated leaving a little Jayhawk poopie on the seat. It was sort of the University of Iowa colors."
 Kansas officials are thinking about raising ticket prices for these big babies. LIONS ASSISTANT COACH DRIVES NAKED Detroit, MI -- Detroit Lions assistant coach Joe Cullen was arrested yesterday for driving nude on an Interstate. Cullen was pulled over for speeding but when a police officer approached the car, she discovered that Cullen had no clothes on. "He had difficulty finding his wallet," said patrolwoman Cheryl Tiggs. "Actually it was one of the few times I pulled someone over where I actually enjoyed saying 'Outta the car, legs spread, hands on the car,' " added Tiggs. Lions president Matt Millen said "I stand fully
behind Cullen. Well mabye not fully behind. Put it this way, if he has
his clothes on, I might stand behind him. But if he's naked and I'm
standing behind him, people will probably think I'm gay in addition to
thinking I'm a stupid football executive." Cullen defended himself as a full-fledged committed nudist. "I've been a committed nudist and I'll remain a committed nudist. And that's not easy during a Detroit winter."
Cullen explained that he plans to take up singing when his football days are over. Jockweb Research In another unscientific poll, Jockweb continues to
be at the forefront of totally useless information enabling our readers
to kill time waiting for Armageddon. The Question? What do you think of these nubile coeds? The Results?
73%
of men 18-25 would do the one on the left STUDENT BEATEN SENSELESS WHILE SOLICITING FEMALE FANS Raleigh, NC -- A college freshman was beaten to unconsciousness in Section 7B of the North Carolina State football stadium. Officer Ted Stanton of the Raleigh police department said 18 year old Wally Cleverdale was beaten by the entire female section where he sat for "blatant sexual solicitation." Stanton added that, "Cleverdale had painted a suggestive invitation below his navel and rather than oblige him, several highly committed feminists beat him to a pulp." Friends of Cleverdale explained that the student was extremely shy and just reaching out for some companionship. Student Fritz Buger asked, "What the hell is wrong with women today? A guy tries to show his feelings by being direct and honest and something like this has to happen. I think I'll transfer to Alabama where chances are the girls can't read."
We're wondering if Wolfpacking will really take off? ITALIAN SOCCER STAR EXPLAINS INSULT Rome, Italy -- Marco Materazzi told reporters that the reason Zinedine Zidane got angry with him in the World Cup soccer final game was because of what Materazzi said about his sister. "I told Zidane that his sister looked like Rosie O'Donnell," explained Materazzi. "I spoke out in the heat of combat. I now realize that I deserved to be head butted for such a statement. But if you look carefully, you can't tell the difference between Zidane's sister and Rosie," finished Materzazzi. Zidane later admitted that, "yes my sister does look like Rosie O'Donnell." Zidane then head butted his sister. Zidane promised that he would head butt the entire lineup from ABC's "The View." "Oh how I would love to headbutt Barbara Walters," he angrily exclaimed. Star Jones, a former host on "The View," said that she too, will head butt Barbara Walters if given the chance. Rosie O'Donnell said, "I'm not much interested in Star's head, but she's got a fine butt."
We stand behind Starr Jones and we will say this, it quite a View! AGASSI CONFESSES "I STILL LOVE BROOKE" Flushing Meadows, NY -- Tennis legend Andre Agassi bid farewell to professional tennis in a tearful goodbye this past weekend at the U.S. Open Championships. In an exclusive interview with Jockweb, Agassi revealed that he still pined for former wife and actress Brooke Shields. "Although I'm happily married with two children, I still miss Brooke. Okay, she's a little bit of a downer sometimes but I miss the brow." Agassi was referring to the famous Brooke Shields unibrow. "You know we spent a lot of time together managing that brow of hers. You just couldn't do a maintenance pluck with tweezers. You had to go full tilt with hedge trimming equipment. When you share an experience like that, it brings people closer." Agassi reflected on some of his biggest wins throughout the 30 minute interview but Shields was clearly still on his mind. "I still carry around this little pouch of Brooke's brow hair for good luck. Call me crazy but I still love the nutty bitch."
Brooke Shields said she was flattered by Agassi's remarks and told Jockweb, "I just don't have the same enthusiasm for personal grooming since I split with Andre." TEMPLE UNIVERSITY FOOTBALL STRUGGLES TO STAY AFLOAT Philadelphia, PA -- Perennial Division 1A doormat Temple University is struggling to keep it's program alive. Tight finances and massive player defections continue to plague a team that has not had a winning season in fifteen years. Several days ago new head coach Al Golden was told by the university that due to budgetary constraints he would have to trim costs. This followed the loss of several key players due depression and drug dependence. "It was a bad month," said the new coach, "but we're gonna come out of this." Golden was able to recruit some local kids who "just felt like playing some football." He responded to the University fiscal crisis but cutting out team uniforms. "You know with a little body paint and some creativity, we're looking good." Temple was dropped from the Big East conference last year and hopes to rebound by joining the MAC in 2007. They lost their opener to the University of Buffalo, who was too was riding a fifteen game losing streak. Coach Golden added, "Fortunately Temple is in an urban setting so there are plenty of drugs and guns. I'm looking forward to building something special."
Four new Temple recruits sporting the new school jerseys. Click here to find out how it feels to be a Houston Texans fan. > by Anita Seervold SPORTS IMAGES SPORTS VIDEO West Virginia Toys with Bullfighting Concept Ever
been at work with headphones on when a great song comes on the radio?
And you forgot that there is a camera...
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