|
|
Monday, March 10, 2008 |
|||
|
Home
SITE SPONSORS:
*The Independent Web Information Group is owned and operated by
JockWeb.com |
The Web's leading source for something |
Subscribe to JockWeb for Free AND SEND A COPY TO A FRIEND. A GREAT GIFT IDEA OR JUST A CHEAP WAY TO SAY, "HEY DIRTBAG, I'M THINKING ABOUT YOU!" |
||
|
LIFE SKILLS TIP OF THE WEEK Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink. Do you have what it takes to work in a low pressured, non-sensical, no direction, no goal oriented environment (for absolutely no pay) that produces nothing of any redeemable social value? At Jockweb, we're committed to the above values. If you like to waste time, you're probably already a Jockweb regular. So why not join us as a columnist? Jockweb is looking for writers! Contact us if you want to be a columnist. Click on FEEDBACK on the Left Side - yeah your left hand, the one with the ooozing sore. What is that anyway? Where has that hand been? Anyway, point to the green...click feedback if you can write! Then the secret will be out. You'll be a published author! And your parents said you'd never amount to anything? Absolutely! And tell them that the rest of the folks at Jockweb haven't amounted to much either. How's that for a support group? HEADLINES STUDY REVEALS: "FANTASY FOOTBALL IS LINKED TO CROSS-DRESSING." LPTA: "WE NEED MORE HOT BABES ON THE TOUR" MIKE VICK: "I WISH I COULD SPREAD THE BALL AROUND LIKE I SPREAD VD!" SAINTS TO PLAY HOME GAMES IN AARON BROOKS BACKYARD scroll down to: CHECK OUT KID'S KORNER WITH BIG AL KRUMLISH OR INTERESTED IN THE MENTAL SIDE OF SPORTS? HOW ABOUT ASKING OUR SPORT PSYCHOLOGIST? PRICE SETTLES WITH SI ; CELEBRATES WITH DRUNKEN ORGY Birmingham, Ala. -- Time Inc. and former Alabama football coach Mike Price settled a $20 million dollar defamation suit over a Sports Illustrated article. In the article, SI reported about Price's drunken behavior at a topless bar in Florida. The publisher stands behind the story but agreed to "amicably" resolve the suit. Price was ecstatic with the settlement. After the settlement was reached, Price offered to take everyone over to the Club LuSai GoSai for drinks and some topless dancing. Both sides of the suit hoisted drinks while several scantily clad women danced to the Alabama fight song. Witnesses to the settlement said that Price admitted to getting wasted like the article reported but he denied the allegations of sexual misconduct afterwards in his hotel room, as reported by SI. SI's attorney Gwen Vixon said, "We're very happy that Coach Price and SI came to a friendly conclusion, in fact, Coach Price put a $20 tip in my garter belt just to show how grateful he was." NBA HIRES NUN TO ENFORCE NEW PLAYER DRESS CODE Commissioner David Stern announced that the NBA will create and enforce a new off-court dress code to combat the current negative image the players are creating. "We're all about money," Stern said, "and preppy white guys are our core audience so our players have to recognize that bling blang or whatever alienates middle America." Stern added that the players will wear khaki Dockers and a nice polo shirt with a navy blue sweater. Stern mentioned that he lived near a Catholic school and he noticed that "those kids look really smart going to school in the morning." Stern has hired the principal at Our Lady of Fallen Angels parochial school as the architect and enforcer of the new code. Sister Vincent McMahon (no relation to the WWF fellow) will design and implement the policy. Sister Vincent announced that, "we mean business and I'm not taking any s*%# from any SOB that doesn't step in line." Philadelphia Sixers guard, Allen Iverson said, "It was high time that the NBA cracked down on this hip-hop look. The way some of these guys look is a disgrace." Sister Vincent added, "Allen is such a nice boy, isn't he?" She then gave Allen a tootsie roll for his cooperation.
LARGE BREASTS DISTRACT STEELERS RECEIVER Pittsburgh wide receiver Hines Ward admitted that the large breasts on the woman in Section 23 Row H Seat 7, were just too much of a distraction in last week's game against the New England Patriots. "I caught a glimpse of them during warm-ups and from then on, I couldn't see the ball." QB Ben Roethlisberger called Ward's number several times in the first half but Ward seemed to be "in another time zone." Coach Bill Cowher pulled Ward from the game after he dropped a routine screen pass in the second quarter. Ward told Cowher the problem and Cowher immediately left the field and joined the woman in Section 23. Cowher explained that "they were probably the finest pair of breasts that I had ever seen but they were going to cost us the game." Cowher immediately asked that the woman be removed from the stadium so the game could continue. Cowher added, "I offered her season tickets to the Pirates as a sort of make up present but she wouldn't budge." The Steelers were forced to resume the game with the large breasts still interfering with the offensive play calling. Ward was re-inserted into the lineup in the second half and luckily for the Steelers, two lesbians started kissing in Section 23 Row H Seats 8 and 9. Ward explained, "Once I saw the lesbians kissing, I got back into the game. Usually watching lesbians kissing turns me on but that's usually on DVD and late at night."
ANDY REID SWALLOWS BRIAN WESTBROOK IN FEEDING FRENZY As if the Philadelphia Eagles don't have enough to worry about with injuries to Donavan McNabb and David Akers, now they will be lining up without one of their biggest offensive threats. All-purpose back, Brian Westbrook, the electrifying third year runner, was swallow up whole by coach Andy Reid. Reid has a reputation of being a ravenous eater with an appetite that can't be satisfied. The team has a very strict policy regarding getting close to Andy Reid at feeding time. Team spokesperson, Newt Brunswick explained, "We've known all along that Andy could easily swallow a player and we had taken the necessary precautions to prevent such an incident." These steps included placing a yellow line of demarcation down the middle of the team's dining facility. Westbrook apparently crossed that line in an effort to get clarification on a pass route when Reid chomped down. Westbrook was literally inhaled into Reid's digestive tract. Fortunately for Westbrook, Eagles security staff reacted quickly. A guard stunned Reid with a sedative dart long enough for on-lookers to pull Westbrook from Reid's grasp. Guard Ray Swayze told reporters, "That because it was Westbrook we were right on top of the situation. If it was someone further down on the depth chart, we probably would have just let it go." Reid explained after the sedative wore off, "I don't know what it is, but if I swallow someone, it takes me about three months to fully digest the person. And then I don't snack in between meals."
"JOE THEISMANN" MOVEMENT GAINS STEAM What started as a few disgruntled ESPN football viewers has turned into a national movement. Tens of thousands of television viewers of ESPN football gathered in Washington, D. C. to call for the government to remove Theismann from the public airwaves. Movement leader, Clem Weider addressed the crowd and public laid out the group's demands. "First, we insist that Theismann no longer is allowed in any football broadcast booth, forever or Armageddon, whichever comes first. Second, we'd like his tongue removed and lips stitched shut, just so no one ever has to listen to his inane, 'I know what I'm talking about because I'm a washed up old football player' comments." Weider said that the group means business. "We're talking extremism here. Okay mabye not to the degree of strapping a bomb on myself and blowing him up on a suicide mission, but short of that, we're at least gonna boycott ESPN sponsor Bud Light," Weider told reporters. Theismann was available for comment. He spoke for five hours in an empty bathroom stall talking about the misdirection play he made famous in 1976.
UNIVERSITY OF MIAMI CHANGES NICKNAME TOO!
In another of what seems to be endless nickname changes by colleges and universities, the University of Miami (FL) has changed it's name from the Miami Hurricanes to the Miami Pollacks. "We felt that in light of the recent tragic events on the Gulf coast it would be appropriate to change our mascot name," said university spokesperson, Eddie Poplowski. "We just want to be more sensitive to the victims," Poplowski added, "and we figured that the Poles are mature enough to handle our insensitivity to them. And by the way, I'm a Pollock and I'm not offended." Hurricane victims seemed indifferent to the change. Ralph Abercrumb of New Orleans commented from his roof, "Can I get a bottle of water from FEMA?" FEMA spokesperson, Billy Crawdip said the name change, "was the first step in making the Gulf coast whole again." Miami's football team immediately drove the wrong stadium, forgot their uniforms, and forfeited the game against an ACC opponent. Players enjoyed a meal of vodka and perogies. DENNIS RODMAN CONFESSES: "I'VE GOT A POINT GUARD IN MY PANTS!"
Former NBA bad boy, Dennis Rodman, revealed to the media that earlier in his career he had an actual life size replica of an NBA point guard tattooed to his...member. Rodman confesses that one night while high on tequila and crystal meth, I had an artist draw a actual 6'0'' replica of a point guard "on my flaccid do-hickey." Rodman added that it was all in good fun and that he used the tattoo for motivational purposes. "Whenever I needed to get up for a game, I'd just take a peek and say that this player or that player was disrespecting my manhood and then I'd grab a lot of rebounds." Several of Rodman's former girlfriends substantiated his story. Reba Flatyre described her first encounter with Rodman as both "frightening yet intriguing." Flatyre explained, "It was sort of like an inflatable man in the room with us, mano y mano, so to speak, nonetheless it's every bit as impressive as Mount Rushmore."
PHILADELPHIA, PA - The feud between Terrell Owens and Donovan McNabb has spilled over to the team, mom. The mother of Donovan McNabb supplies the Eagles with Chunky Soup to prevent the team bus from stopping at unhealthy fast food restaurants. However, 'Mom' is upset by her som being called a hypocryte by the Eagles star receiver. "He'll needs to keep my Chunky Soup out of his mouth," said Wilma McNabb. "My son is no hypocrite." Mrs. McNabb added that her son also cleans his room, minds his manners and helps old ladies across the street. "He's a good boy." Owens, when reached for comment stated, "I don't need no damn Chunky Soup. Watch me do some sit-ups..."
Denver Broncos owner, Pat Bowlen, announced that the team would retire the red jersey worn by deceased actor, Bob Denver, at a ceremony at midfield later this month. Bowlen said that it was a small token of his appreciation for the man "who was Gilligan to the rest of the country but Denver to Denver." Denver's red shirt will hang in the stadium along with John Denver's marijuana pipe. Bowlen added, John Denver gave us "Rocky Mountain High," but Denver got it's name from Bob Denver. After he did 'Gilligan's Island,' he put Denver on the map." Denver, who was stranded on an island for ten years, kept up on with the Broncos, using a short wave radio built by the professor out of coconut fronds and Lovie Howell's hairpins. When the SS Minnow crew and survivors were rescued, the Broncos won their first playoff game. Denver adopted Denver and from then on Gilligan never missed a game. Bowlen sadly reminisced, "I'm gonna miss my little buddy and the kooky little way he used to trip down the steps going to his seat." Tina Louise, who played Ginger on the show commented, "Who would have ever thought my breasts would sag but they did." With that Bowlen shed another tear.
Dallas Cowboys owner, Jerry Jones, enjoys making headlines. Recently, Jones was featured in a commercial showing a hot tub shaped like Texas Stadium that Jones had installed in his home. But Jones didn't stop there. He added a toilet to compliment the hot tub but instead of miniaturizing Texas Stadium as the model, Jones had contractors make the toilet in the shape of RFK stadium. Jones commented on his creativity by saying, "You can use any metaphor you want but in big "D," we're pissin on the Redskins." Redskins owner, Daniel Snyder, fired back accusations that Jones was a "dumb, old hillbilly where everyday is a bad hair day." Snyder added, "He's pissin on us and I'm wiping my ass with his toupee. In a bathroom war, I'd rather be pissed on than being used to wipe ass." Score one for the Redskins! Players seemed unfazed by the sophomoric play between the owners but the gloves are off between Snyder and Jones.
Super Bowl Champions New England Patriots head coach, Bill Belechik, is all smiles these days and not because of the play of his star quarterback, Tom Brady. Belechik says for the first time in years, he's finally getting enough nourishment. It seems that since the departure of last season's key assistant coaches, Charlie Weis and Romeo Crommel, there's more food for everyone else around the Patriot training table. Belechik explained that for the last several years when it was his turn in the "chow line," there was nothing left because, "those fat pig bastards cleaned out the steam table." He added, "Lots of people think I'm a quiet, cerebral guy but I'm not, I've just been so goddamn hungry." Doctors say that Belechik was surviving on just 400 calories per day. Weis and Crommel, who weigh in at a combined 700 pounds, both admit they were trying to starve the head coach so that they could get head coaching jobs themselves. Weis commented from his Notre Dame office, "Thank God, ND finally offered me the head job. You know I was just a big, fat kid who never played football so I never thought I'd get the manager's job." He added, "The food in New England was really fine, but at ND, they bring the food right to my office. I just eat all day." Belechik enjoyed his first bean burrito of the season at Wednesday's training table but conceded "it made me a little gassy."
Succumbing to pressure from the NCAA, The University of North Dakota has changed it's mascot from the "Fighting Sioux" to the more politically acceptable "Fighting Peggy Siouxs." The NCAA has issued a declaration to member schools that it deems images of Native American mascots to be offensive and therefore schools should adopt new, less hurtful images to represent themselves. North Dakota spokesperson, Fullmer Chesthare announced the change at a press conference, as he unveiled the new mascot, a blond bimbo with a teased hairdo applying nail polish to her fingers. Chesthare commented, "We're very excited about the new mascot. She's a dumb blonde and goodness knows we don't have to worry about offending any of them." The North Dakota football team will now sport a decal of Kathleen Turner in a poodle skirt blowing a bubble gum bubble. When reached for comment, Turner said that "this might jumpstart my dead career. You know in 1986 when we made 'Peggy Sue Got Married,' I was a red hot sex symbol so it's great I'm a symbol again." Sioux nation spokeperson, Ray Running Water said that the move didn't go far enough. "We want a cut of the money, period. You know we never got a nickel from Buddy Holly before he died, so we're not letting them off again."
Former Baylor University basketball coach, Dave Bliss, is back in the coaching ranks after being hired by the Dakota Wizards of the Continental Basketball Association. Bliss was fired from Baylor in 2004 in the aftermath of one of his player murdering a teammate. Bliss, who narrowly escaped criminal charges, re-surfaced in his new role. Immediately after the first practice, two players were murdered. "I'm in total shock," said a baffled Bliss. "I think someone's playing a joke on me," he added while calming his nerves with a shot of whiskey. Former player, Scott Yowsey commented, "Dave's good with the x and o's but wherever he goes people just seem to murder people after being around him." Yowsey confessed, "I've murdered a few family members myself and they had it coming, but, Dave really egged me on." Bliss observers say his harsh comments to players just incite players to murder. Bliss defended himself by explaining, "Hey, you know Wal-Mart sells some real nice magnums."
Lance Armstrong may have been accused by the French for blood doping but it's his "live-strong" bracelets that have been making headlines. A series of strangulations with a small yellow wrist band have police baffled throughout the country. The supposed "Live Strong Strangler" has been sneaking up on victims and placing the ubiquitous yellow bracelets around their necks cutting off circulation. Most of the victims have been extremely thin with long skinny necks. Detective Mark Fuhrman, former investigator in the O.J. Simpson case, commented, "I think the Live Strong Strangler is OJ. See how the bracelet doesn't seem to fit over the neck like when OJ tried to put on the glove?" Lance Armstrong commented, "I've got my own problems with seven year old piss, so I'm not too concerned about a guy strangling people with yellow rubber bands."
Showing her support for on-screen acting partner, Terrell Owens, actress Nicolette Sheridan declared the "I won't undress for the Eagles until they renegotiate his contract. Previous to Sheridan's announcement, Owens' agent, Drew Rosenhaus, had been unsuccessful in getting Eagles management to re-work the long-term contract Owens signed prior to last season. "If they want to see me naked in their locker room, they'll have to give T.O. what he's asking for," said the defiant Sheridan. An unidentified Eagles source revealed that Sheridan's announcement was definitely having an impact. The source commented, "I think Sheridan tipped the scales in T.O."s favor, I mean, we'd all like to see her naked again." Eagles President Joe Banner accused Rosenhaus of dirty negotiating tactics. The annoyed Banner commented through gritted teeth, "Rosenhaus is pulling out all the stops. He knows I've got a thing for a naked Nicolette. Eagles owner, Jeffrey Laurie said, "We've got to dig our heals in the sand and think with the right head." Sheridan is already seeking opportunities in other locker rooms to disrobe and there's no shortage of NFL teams shopping the opportunity.
Call it a stroke of marketing genius or just shameless sexual exploitation but the NFL has teamed up with Pamela Anderson to market a new Pamela Anderson autographed football, "The Pammy.". The footballs will be the same size proportion as Pamela's breasts and will be sold in pairs. "We think the kids are just going to go bonkers for the new NFL ball," said NFL Properties spokeperson, Shammy Hucksly. He continued, "The Pammy has a great feel and kids like to take a football to bed with them and dream of playing in the NFL. And what's more, you get two for the price of one." The timing of the announcement could not be better, as Anderson is riding a recent wave of celebrity fame. Anderson said that she was thrilled with the concept and added, "I always wanted to play football but for some reason, people never took notice of my athletic ability."
While Tiger, Phil, and Retief competed for millions in last week's made for television golf event, "The Battle of the Bulge," another significant sporting event by the same name was taking place at Felix's Men's Den Cafe in nearby LaHacienda, California. "The Other Battle of the Bulge," the brainchild of promoter Jesse Maxwell, pitted buff men against each other in what can only be called, the big time. The unknown Lanny ran away with competition with an amazing 22 cubic inch bulge. This was Lanny's first bulge competition and the beaming swimsuit model gladly walked away with the first prize of a year's supply of lubricants. Afterwards Lanny reflected on the competition, "At first I was just so nervous standing with two hundred spectators staring at my bulge. But then I relaxed and just sort of reflected on the enormity of the moment." Lanny, who has no last name because he thinks names like Fabio and Arnold really work well, said that he wanted to thank his parents for "good genetic stuff." Also he said he wanted to continue his life's work of bringing peace and justice to the third world.
INTERNATIONAL SPORTS: MEXICANS: 49ers ARE WORSE THAN OUR ECONOMY NEWS IN BRIEF: > NEW YORK, NY - Rapper 50Cent to change his name to $4.95. "It's inflation, man," said the enigmatic rapper. "Sean Combs has changed his name 23 times, and I've only changed my name twice." $4.95 had no comment when asked if her would be ripping off R. Kelly by allegedly starring in a series of erotic videos featuring 15 year old girls. ADVERTISER: The NUT Bra > CRAWFORD, TX - President Bush accidentally brushed his teeth with Preparation H this morning, thinking it was a tube of toothpaste. For a brief moment the entire nation held it's breath while the President swished a sudsy mix of hemorhoid cream and water. Bush was immediately rushed to a local hospital where proctologists worked for hours to find the problem. FEATURES QUOTE OF THE WEEK: Kids Korner Featuring Al Krumlish
-OP/ED > by Anita Seervold SPORTS IMAGES SPORTS VIDEO Red Sox Fans Must Pay Up (courtesy Comedy Central) West Virginia Toys with Bullfighting Concept Ever
been at work with headphones on when a great song comes on the radio?
And you forgot that there is a camera... SANTA CLARA, CA - An irritating but unidentified woman called 911 to report that Burger King was not making the correct Burger. Click here to listen in on the actual 911 call.
|
||||
Sister
Vincent McMahon speaking about Allen Iverson. "He's got a nifty crucifix
tattoo on his thigh."
Hines
Ward trying to re-focus after fixating on "magic breasts."
Reid
in a post-eating frenzy press conference. "He tastes like chicken," Reid
said referring to running back, Brian Westbrook.
Theismann
talking to himself about "how good I was."
Miami Pollock fan enjoying pre-game
tailgate.
Rodman
with admirers at tattoo unveiling.
McNabb's
Mom to TO: "Keep my Chunky Soup out of your mouth!"
BRONCOS TO RETIRE BOB DENVER'S RED JERSEY
JERRY JONES ADDS ULTIMATE INSULT TO REDSKINS
MORE FOOD FOR BELICHICK AFTER WEIS AND CROMMEL DEPARTURES
NORTH DAKOTA CHANGES NAME FROM FIGHTING SIOUX TO THE FIGHTING PEGGY SIOUX
Ex-BAYLOR COACH HIRED TO COACH IN MINOR LEAGUE, TWO PLAYERS MURDERED AFTER
FIRST PRACTICE
LIVE-STRONG BRACELETS USED BY SERIAL KILLER
NICOLETTE SHERIDAN WILL NOT UNDRESS FOR THE PHILADELPHIA EAGLES
NFL SIGNS DEAL WITH PAMELA ANDERSON
LANNY
TAKES HOME "BATTLE OF THE BULGE" TROPHY
