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NBA REFS GAMBLING SCANDAL WIDENS New York, NY -- The NBA learned yesterday that the gambling scandal initiated by referee Tim Donaghy may just be the tip of the iceberg. Donaghy, who is currently waiting sentencing in a plea bargain over fixing basketball games, revealed a wider problem involving at least 60 referees and church bingo halls. Sources close to the investigation leaked information linking referees with an order of nuns. Several referees partnered with the Pointer Sisters of Doom to conspire to fix a church bingo game. Several refs were moonlighting at the Wednesday night St. Stanislaus of Bucharest bingo game. Using a complex electronic communication system, the nuns and the refs worked together to make sure only deaf, dumb, blind and demented seniors with lots of retirement money were let into the bingo game. Once in the hall, the seniors were given bogus bingo cards with Arabic lettering and the bingo caller yelled out numbers in Hungarian. An investigator explained, "It was an ingenious system and it was just pure luck we uncovered it." Police say they believe this may have gone on for years and would have never been discovered if it wasn't for Donaghy's testimony. "Tim Donaghy is a American hero," said President Bush. "This is just another reason why we have to spend 100 billion dollars a day defeating the terrorists."
Oh, the horror of it all! David Stern...DO SOMETHING! RUTGERS ACCEPTS HELP FROM SOPRANO Piscataway, NJ -- Rutgers coach Greg Schiano was clearly frustrated by last Saturday's 31-3 pounding at the hands of the West Virginia Mountaineers. The loss contributed to an ever disappointing season where expectations were high at the beginning of the season. Rutgers was expected to compete for a BCS bid but now find themselves a mediocre 5-3. "Clearly the kids aren't getting the message," said Schiano. "When you go to school in New Jersey there are a few unspoken rules and if you break them, well, let's just say, we take care of things in New Jersey," explained the Knights coach. At Monday's team meeting Schiano introduced Tony Soprano as the "new motivational coach." Schiano described Soprano's job as "getting a little more out of the players or else." Immediately there was a quicker step in the Rutgers team. Soprano said that, "my style is very simple, score touchdowns or I break your f^&*ing legs." One frosh running back said, "At Rutgers, we're all about the family." "And," he added, "if you insult my family, just get the f^&* out of town, cause we're gonna f^&* you up." Schiano added as he passed out two by fours to his defense, "That's the kind of addytude that we want a Rutgers team to have."
Soprano said, "A good f%^&ing team starts at the f%^&ing lumberyard." GOLF REACHES OUT FOR YOUNGER VIEWERS Palm Beach, FL -- The USGA announced yesterday that they will embark on a new campaign designed to attract a younger demographic. "The fact remains that golf is a game that attracts fat, old guys who smoke cheap cigars and whose idea of exercise is masturbating in a jacuzzi," said USGA spokesperson Ken Weever. "If we don't seriously go after the young boy masturbating in his room, we're going to have a lot of empty golf courses, and TV ratings are going in the shitter" he added. The program called, "You're a Tiger, Big Fella," is an interactive golf instruction program that teaches boys the fundamentals of the golf swing while simultaneously adding Vegas showgirls to all television foursomes. "We want the young fellas to associate golf coverage with hot women instead of low-voiced British announcers," said Weever. Weever added, "The best way to get boys to put down their video games and take up golf is to introduce them to Vegas showgirls." "What better way for fathers and sons to bond than over some golf and women?" Weever asked.
The response to the golfing with Vegas showgirls has been very positive. It's adding new meaning to the term, "Stay At Home Dads." CHENEY TAPPED TO MANAGE YANKEES New York, NY -- The New York Yankees will announce today that Vice President Dick Cheney will manage the team in 2008 filling the void left by departing Joe Torre. Yankees owner George Steinbrenner explained that he was looking for a company guy who can take orders and execute a solid war plan. "Okay, so you've got me on the solid war plan thing, but he can take orders," said Steinbrenner. Cheney said he was thrilled to get a job in baseball since he has no previous experience. "I don't know how I keep getting these cushy jobs when basically I'm an idiot," commented Cheney. "But," he added, "by next season I'll probably be run out of Washington so the timing is great." In his first move as manager, Cheney plans to hire the Haliburton Corporation as the official contractor of the New York Yankees. Cheney explained, "They may be a bit expensive but they do war right."  Cheney was surprised the he edged out Don Mattingly and Joe Girardi. TENNIS PLAYER FINED FOR NOT TRYING St. Petersburg, Russia -- Nikolay Davydenko, the No. 4 ranked Russian in professional tennis, was fined yesterday for "not trying." Davydenko has not been trying for some time and officials got really sick of watching him not trying so they fined him for not trying. Davydenko was beaten 6-0, 6-0, 6-0 by a Croatian double amputee paper hanger. Marin Cilic, the unranked Croatian said, "I'm glad he wasn't trying or he probably would have kicked my ass. Hooray for Nikolay, I finally won." Cilic explained, "I lost my arms in a deli slicing accident trying to slice some really tough pepperoni." He continued to say, "From the time I lost my arms it was my dream to play professional tennis." Cilic father supported Marin's decision to go professional in tennis because, "his deli slicing career was over and he's just awful at wall paper hanging." Mr. Cilic told his son, "The only way you'll ever win is if you go against someone who isn't trying at all." Davydenko defended his action saying, "Okay, I wasn't trying...whaddya want me to beat up on a guy who lost his arms to a deli slicer?" The Association of Tennis Professionals (ATP) said, "John McEnroe would never take it easy on the armless deli slicer!"
Seriously folks, you've got to f%^&ing careful when you operate one of these things. THOMAS' DEPOSITION COMMENT IRKS RUTGERS COACH New York, NY -- Rutgers University women's basketball coach Vivian Stringer said that she was "offended" at comments that Isiah Thomas made at his sexual harassment deposition. During the deposition, Thomas said that he didn't like when white men called black women "bitches" but he didn't get too bothered if a black guy did the same thing. Thomas said the Stringer misunderstood his comments and tried to shed light on them yesterday. "What I'm saying is there's a good chance that the white guy doesn't live with the black bitch so he shouldn't be calling her no bitch." "If you going to call a black women a bitch you gotta be living with her," he clarified. He went on to say, "And it's the same for a ho...if you ain't ever plopped good money down on a ho then you disrespectin' the word ho." Stringer, no stranger to controversy, asked, "If I don't live with you and I slap you upside the head, does that make it a 'bitch slap'?" Thomas said that he was unsure and had to consult with some street experts for clarification. "It seems to me off the top of my head, that if you are indeed a bitch and you indeed slap me that makes you the bitch slapper and me the bitch slappee." Stringer responded by saying, "We're at a juncture in gender relations in this country, and I think it's important that we get some real clarification on this bitch slap thing."
Indeed, white women can be bitches and slap so white bitch slapping is a reality. Shame on you Isiah! PARCELLS PISSED; TEARS UP OFFICES Irving, TX -- Former Dallas Cowboys coach Bill Parcells went as close to going "postal" as you can get without firing a weapon. The grouchy, sour puss former Dallas darling, entered the Cowboy offices and immediately began choking owner Jerry Jones. Immediately employees began to cheer and it took a moment for them to realize that it wasn't a friendly choke. One witness said, "You know how sometimes when someone's getting choked by someone else, you think they're just kind of joking around? Well, when Jerry turned purple and his eyes were bulging, I realized Coach Parcells wasn't happy with the Cowboys hot start to the 2007 season." Parcells shouted as he choked Jones, "That's MY 6-1 team, you filthy bastard!" Jones breathless promised that he would give Parcells partial credit if he stopped choking him. Parcells asked, "What the f^&* is partial credit? This ain't a f%^&ing math exam," and choked Jones some more. Several office employees were able to subdue Parcells by offering him a high caloric snack food. "I just waved a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos in front of him and in a split second he was eating out of my hand," said Lex Dexter. Jones called Dexter a "Texas Hero" and said, "shit, we sure need one of them."  Parcells left grumbling, "Wade Phillips my ass. His father was a Bum!" ANTOINE WALKER DEALT TO SEA WORLD Miami, FL -- The Miami Heat dealt veteran forward Antoine Walker to Sea World in Orlando for an undisclosed amount of cash. Walker, who has had a tense history with general manager and coach Pat Riley, over his weight, never reached the potential the team expected of him. "I'm telling you, the only thing Antoine is good for is a floatation device," said Riley. The Heat supposedly received over $1.5 dollars for Walker in the deal. A Sea World spokesperson said, "We're thrilled to have Antoine and after a couple of weeks of practice, he'll be a major attraction at Sea World." Trainers at Sea World said that Walker will have to learn how to swim under water all day and then explode through a large hoop several times an hour to the applause of expectant fans. Walker receives several fish every time he jumps through a hoop. "Man, I wish I got a fish for every hoop I made for the Heat," said Walker as he munched on a mackerel. Walker's agent signed a heavily laden incentive deal where the "more Antoine jumps the more fish he gets." "I just love those little anchovies," beamed Walker. "They're good on a pizza or just right out of the bucket," he added.
Walker said he was impressed with the jumping ability of his teammates. "I thought I had hops," he said, "but these mother f%^&ers can get up."
NOTRE DAME TO CANCEL FOOTBALL SEASON South Bend, IN -- The Board of Trustees of Notre Dame University yesterday voted unanimously to cancel the 2007 football season. The University President Father Edward Jenkins said in a prepared statement, "Let's just end this f$%^ing nightmare." Jenkins was referring to the worst year in ND football history where the team has a record of 1-7. He added, "Who's the douche bag that gave Charlie Weis a ten-year extension?" Jenkins promised fans that they would be able to tailgate outside of the stadium. He suggested that everyone get really drunk or high and imagine that the team is 7-0 and going to a bowl game. Even Jesus Christ has turned his back on the program. Jesus, through a spokesperson, said, "It's so bad I'm a Boston College fan." Christ said that he considered sending a famine and pestilence to South Bend just "slim down that butterball turkey of a coach." He asked, "Who's the douche bag that gave Charlie Weis a ten-year extension?" Meanwhile in Seattle, Washington, coach Tyrone Willingham commented, "Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!"
TOM BRADY TO HIT ON PEYTON MANNING'S WIFE Indianapolis, IN -- Just when the mid-season doldrums began to lull NFL fans to sleep, New England quarterback Tom Brady announced that he "planned to hit on Peyton Manning's wife." Brady, who is single, said, "I'm a bachelor and chicks don't seem to realize that I got someone pregnant and then left." He added, "Wow, I wonder how long it'll be until that gets around." Brady has been Manning's long time nemesis and promised, "I'm taking everything from him this year. Passing records, QB rating, the Super Bowl...and by January 2008, Eli will be MY younger brother." Manning's father Archie agreed that son Peyton "has got a lot to worry about cause he's a damn good looking boy." Archie Manning commented, "I'll tell you one thing, I'm locking up my wife cause Tom ain't gonna be saying 'Your mama is my old lady!'"
NFL SIGNS NERF DEAL New York, NY -- The National Football League and the Hasbro Toy Company have inked a deal making the NERF football the official ball of professional football. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell announced the deal saying, "It's just a better ball to play football with." For years quarterbacks have struggled throwing "tight spirals" with the traditional football. "But just about everyone in the country can throw a nice "Nerf" pass. Indianapolis Colts quarterback Peyton Manning said, "NERF has made me what I am today. And if you think I've been playing great up till now, wait till you see me throw a NERF." Manning added that the key to the NERF's success is "the easy-grip texture that really let's me get a handle on my game." Manning's favorite receiver Marvin Harrison added, "I like bright colors that NERFS come in. I can pick up the ball easier and I like the squishy feel." Former Dolphins quarterback Dan Marino shouted, "No fair...if I had thrown a NERF in my day, I'd have at least three Super Bowl rings." Goodell thinks the new ball is going to have a tremendous effect on this year's draft. "Can you imagine how many NERF quarterbacks are going to be available?"
With some imagination if you replace the 'f' with a 'd', you get a NERD ball. DRUM ROLL INJURES 14 Austin, TX -- A runaway bass drum injured fourteen people on Saturday at the University of Texas. The 800 lb. drum was being rolled by a small trailer into the stadium moments before the start of the Texas Longhorn football game. "It was chaos," said clarinet player E.C. Slocum. He added "The trailer must of hit a pothole or something but all I saw was a runaway drum who destroyed anything in it's path." This is not the first time that the drum has escaped. In 1978, the drum escaped and rolled clear to Dallas injuring 576 participants in "The Lone Star Rib Festival." Historian Herkel Lamont remembers, "The 1978 drum roll was the loudest dang thing I ever did hear and golly gee, and folks was just drowning in barbecue sauce everywhere." Lamont described his own feelings about the drum saying, "The God-dang thing oughta be locked up before it kills more innocent people. What the f%^& do we need an 800 lb. drum for?" President Bush commented, "Let's put that dang thing to use in Baghdad."
Yepper, we agree, "what the f%^& do we need an 800 lb. drum for?" CARDINAL'S LEINERT REHAB CONTINUES Phoenix, AZ -- The Arizona Cardinals second year quarterback Matt Leinert told reporters that "my shoulder rehab is going very well but I'm having so much fun chasing women, I may never come back." Leinert was said to have felt slighted about splitting QB time with veteran Kurt Warner. The former USC signal caller said, "That Warner can't carry my jockstrap when it comes to picking up women." Cardinals coach Ken Whizonsomething agreed that, "Matt can really pick up the women whereas Kurt looks like an aging folk singer." Warner for his part disagreed with his coach's assessment of the situation. "I've got a Super Bowl ring and when I'm struggling finding a good pickup line, I just show the ring and women go nuts." Leinert retorted, "There's a difference between getting them to 'go nuts' and 'going for your nuts.'" Warner countered, "Come on now, you don't think women melt over, 'want come back to my house and watch Super Bowl highlights?'"
Leinert going through rehab with several physical therapists. SOUTH FLORIDA NUMBER ONE IN JCS STANDINGS Jockweb, JW -- The University of South Florida remained number one in the Jockweb College Standings. Jockweb football prognosticator Fred Collingdale announced today, "I don't give a flying f^&* what they did against Rutgers. Have you seen those little Bull-ettes?" Collingdale, whose weekly JCS ratings means absolutely nothing to absolutely everyone, announced that he has devised an absolutely fool proof way to determine a national college football champion. The veteran Jockweb columnist asked, "If we just line up all of the college cheerleaders and ask them to take off their clothes, then who needs a national championship?" NCAA President Myles Brand said, "That is one f%^&ing great idea!" "Besides," he added, "that is one f$%^ing great idea." Brand went on to say, "Hey, that is one f%^&ing great idea."
Right at this moment, Jockweb is christening the South Florida Bull-ettes as the National Champion. But we're going to be working 24/7 over the next few weeks ranking teams. SACRAMENTO KINGS CENTER TO USE DOUBLE TEAM DEFENSE Sacramento, CA -- Sacramento Kings backup center Justin Williams and his girlfriend had consensual sex with the woman who is accusing him of sexual assualt, his attorney said yesterday. Police are investigatin allegations that Williams had sexually assaulted a woman. According to Williams, he me the woman at a club on the night of October 11. Afterwards the woman, Williams, and Williams' girlfriend found themselves back in Williams' bedroom. Williams claims he was coaching the women on the complexities of the "double team." "I was showing the girls how much better it is if two people gang up on another, in this case, me," he exclaimed. "Their defense was a bit porous and I was able to penetrate but it was all in the name of good sound fundamental basketball," he added. Lawyers for Williams said they will employ the "double team defense," because "that's just an amazing way to talk women into a three-way."
Here is a picture of a textbook execution of the double team. However, Kenyon Martin was not able to get Tim Duncan to have consensual sex. CHARGERS HIRE CORONA GIRLS FOR SECURITY San Diego, CA -- In a bold move that breaks with tradition, the San Diego Chargers have employed the infamous "Corona Girls" as sideline security at all 2007 home games. "We felt like we had to do something nice for our fans after hiring Norv Turner," said one Charger public relations spokesperson. "And I'd have to say, these girls seriously qualify for the term 'something nice.'" But don't be fooled. These Corona girls are skilled security experts. Homeland Security chief Michael Chertoff said, "The Corona girls can patrol my sideline anytime they want." In honor of the Chargers decision, Chertoff announced a 'Code Hot' for Sunday's game. "I think it send a clear message to terrorists that as long as we have the Corona girls on our side, we're not going to worry ourselves about suicide bombers." Turner asked, "How do I keep losing in every city I've coached in yet still get hired as a head coach?"
There's something about a Corona served with lime served by a girl with large breasts and long black boots. Must be the beer. WHAT'S IN KOBE'S LOCKER? Los Angeles, CA -- In what could be some of the most exciting news of this young NBA season, Kobe Bryant cleaned out his locker. Bryant, who supposedly cleaned out his locker this week after seven years on the team, is preparing for his next NBA move. One veteran sports journalist commented, "I wonder what's in his locker that would compel sportswriters to write about it?" "Revealing the contents of Kobe's locker is sort of Geraldo Rivera moment," said veteran Sports Illustrated writer Frank Defore. Defore was referring to the investigative journalism legend "Geraldo," who once promised to reveal breathtaking contents of Al Capone's tomb. If you remember that far back, Geraldo ended up standing in front of Capone's tomb holding nothing but his own penis. "I will not be standing in front of Kobe's locker holding my penis," promised Defore. "I'm going to find something in this locker," said a determined Defore and "then I'll report it." Moments later a woman popped out of the locker. The woman described her seven years in captivity as relatively uneventful. She said, "It was pretty dull except for the days when I got to see the entire team shower." "And," she added, "there were the days when Kobe would just take me out of the locker and ask me to bend over."
Look what they found in Kobe's locker. GRANDCHILDREN FIGHT OVER LASORDA INHERITANCE Los Angeles, CA -- In what can only be described as the "typical inheritance drama," former Dodger manager Tommy Lasorda said he would disinherit his entire family if they did not leave him alone. Lasorda, who managed the Dodgers to several World Championships, has stashed away a considerable amount of money. His grandaughter Candy said, "I'd just like to have a piece of the income from those thousands of weight loss infomercials." Sadly, though the Lasorda family has been scheming to get favored position in the Lasorda will. Lasorda has complained to friends that, "these kids never bothered with me until my clock was ticking and now, I think they might be trying to kill me." Several grandaughters have moved in with their grandfather where it is rumored they're hiding his cholesterol medications while force feeding him a "pure grease diet." "We love our poppy," said grandaughter Honey. "But he has lived a long, productive life and everyone has to move on."
MLB LAUNCHES BENCH COACH INVESTIGATION New York, NY -- The Major League Baseball commissioner's office announced that a new task force will be formed to study the position of "bench coach." Commissioner Bud Selig addressed the issue in a news conference asking, "What the f^&* is a bench coach?" Selig told reporters that he is demanding a high level investigation to find out, "Why the f^&* do we need a bench coach?" Several teams defended the position of bench coach by explaining that the "bench coach keeps the bench really nice." One anonymous bench coach admitted, "Yeah, I don't do shit but I make good money not doing shit." He added, "If you can believe it, someone actually got fired as a bench coach this year. That makes him probably the dumbest f^&* in the whole f%^&ing country, doesnt' it?" The fired bench coach declined to comment but his wife did say, "My husband the fired bench coach is the dumbest f%^& in the whole f%^&ing country."
NFL REJECTS MCDONALD'S BID FOR TV SPOT New York, NY -- The NFL rejected McDonald's offer to replace the Burger King King guy with Ronald McDonald in all of this season's replay commercials. The Burger King has made quite a reputation for himself eluding tackles and catching passes in series of commercials that have aired over the past couple of seasons. Ronald McDonald, the face of the rival McDonald's corporation, was said to be extremely jealous over the spots. "R. McDonald had been making a big push to replace the King as the running back in the commercials," explained an NFL spokesperson. Kroc O'Cheit, a longtime McDonald's executive explained Ronald's thinking. "Ronald McDonald is extremely athletic and was a three-letter man at Hamburger University (the McDonald's training facility)," said O'Cheit. "We believe a slashing Ronald barreling over NFL defensive backs is a much more effective ad that this faggy looking guy dressed like a King spiking the ball in a fictitious endzone created with amazing computer technology," added O'Cheit. The public seems to be divided down the middle with red states going with Ronald McDonald and blue states swinging the King. Either way, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell said, "I'm sorry the King stays. I just like the flame-broiled Whopper sandwich better than the greasy slabs Mickey D's offers." The news set off Ronald McDonald, who staged a mock suicide protest. McDonald said, "Try explaining this to the kids, Mr. NFL."
YANKEES' TORRE IN LIMBO Tampa, FL -- New York Yankees manager left an off-season meeting with owner George Steinbrenner only to find out that his future is uncertain. Steinbrenner told Torre that "(Torre) is in limbo and will remain in limbo until further notice." Limbo, an belief held in Roman Catholic theology, refers to an afterlife condition of those who die in original sin without being assigned to the Hell of the damned. Medieval theologians described the underworld as being divided into four seperate places: hell of the damned, purgatory, limbo of the fathers, and limbo of the infants. Torre said he understood that limbo was where unbaptized babies go when they die in infancy. Torre said he was concerned about spending a lot of time with unbaptized babies. "From a practical point of view," said Torre, "who am I going to talk to, a bunch of babies?"
Steinbrenner said, "I
think limbo is a great place for Joe. You know, I could
have sent him to the hell of the damned, and I can do
that because I am God." "But," he added, "I'm going to
let Joe sit in limbo for a few months and let him suffer
and then we'll see where we are before spring training."
BAYLOR COACH PEES AT BAR Waco, TX -- A Baylor University assistant football coach was cited by police for urinating on the bar at a local tavern. Eric Schnupp, the Baylor Bears offensive line/tight ends coach was issued a citation for disorderly conduct-reckless exposure at a Waco watering hole. Witnesses said that Schnupp "took out his little 'schnupp' and let it rain." Baylor coach Guy Morriss said during his weekly news conference, "Who ever said that a bear can only shit in the woods? We can piss on your bar too!" Dr. Felix Taffington of the Center for Whatever We Need A Center For explained, "Surprisingly public urination takes place more than you think." Taffington said, "For some reason, men seem genetically disposed to whipping out their dong and pissing wherever they feel like it." The doctor added, "Men often piss on a bar because subconsciously men they feel comfortable peeing at a trough and a bar resembles a trough." In his book, "Wow, That Felt Good," Taffington said that over 100% of the men surveyed said that at some point in their lives, they have pissed publicly. Taffington adds in his book, "It is very important, no matter how drunk you are, to really look both ways and make sure, NO ONE IS WATCHING!"
WOMEN HOLD THE LINE ON BODY PAINTING Colombia, MO -- Several women incurred the wrath of fans at a University of Missouri when they remained clothed during a body painting exercise. The mostly male students had set out to form a sentence with letters painted on their naked torsos. However, several women invited to make the sentence refused to reveal their naked torsos, painting letters on their covered breasts. 75,345 fans screamed in disappointment but the women held fast to their modesty. One woman explained, "I think if my exposed painted breasts were revealed, the whole meaning of the sentence we're trying to spell gets lost." However a male fan expressed his frustration saying, "We come to college to read more and with painted lettered breasts, I'm not only going to read more, I'm going to write more." Todd Wiggins, a Mizzou sophomore, commented, "I'm dyslexic so I need all the help I can get."
MICHELLE WIE'S AGENT IS HOMELESS San Francisco, CA -- Greg Nared, the agent for Michelle Wie, resigned after less than a year on the job. Nared announced that, "I'm f^&*ing broke and f%^&ing homeless. Michelle Wie? Great career move right?" Wie, who recently finished 21st in a field on 20 at the Samsung World Championships, struggled this year on the LPGA tour. Wie made only three cuts during the season and after expenses netted only $7.38 in earnings. Wie said, "Fortunately, my parents give me $25 a week in allowance if I do some light chores." Nared is suing Wie for half of the allowance. "As her agent, I'd like to see Michelle take on more chores and get that allowance up to around $50 per week," he said. But Wie is balking at the extra work. "I'm already doing the bathrooms, taking out the garbage, and clearing the table after dinner," said the exhausted Stanford freshman. Wie added, "I don't know what Greg's complaining about. Being homeless in San Francisco is pretty darn nice. I mean, it's the city by the bay. He could be homeless like in Newark, New Jersey and that would indeed suck." Nared said that he's been forced into prostitution to "make meal money." Senator Larry Craig commented, "Greg has nothing to worry about, I've got lunch tomorrow."
SPAINARD GETS '06 TOUR SHIRT; SMELLS BAD Madrid, Spain -- Oscar Pereiro finally got his hands on Floyd Landis' yellow jersey and now he wishes he didn't. The Spainard moved from second place to first place after the then winner Landis was disqualified for doping. It marked the first time ever someone ever had to hand back the winning shirt. However, Pireiro could only feel disappointed with his championship shirt. "It's a goddamn filthy, smelly rag," declared Pireiro. "Look, it's got armpit stains and what's this shit all over the front of it?" Pireiro was referring to the big, oval marks on the front of the shirt. Pireiro asked Landis if he had ever heard of anti-stain deodorants. Landis, who is from Lancaster County, replied, "I'm from Amish country, we don't believe in deodorant." Pireiro was surprised and he responded, "I thought the French were the only ones who didn't believe in deodorant." Landis instructed Pieriro to "get a good pre-wash stain spray, like Shout, and just 'Shout It Out!'" Landis did say he had had a bloody nose and just dabbed it with the shirt but "cold water will get the blood stains out." "As far as the other stains go, it's just coffee," Landis said. He added, "I swear to God, not matter what I wear, I always manage to spill coffee on me as I'm leaving the house. Am I a doper or what?"
INDIANA PUNISHES SAMPSON FOR "THREE WAY" Bloomington, IN -- The University of Indiana announced yesterday that they will not pay a bonus to basketball coach Kelvin Sampson because he was involved in "numerous three-ways." "I had lots of three-ways," said Sampson, "but at my age I should be getting applause rather than a punishment." He fumed, "This is just a case of jealousy pure and simple." Sampson has been sanctioned by the NCAA because while at Oklahoma, he had a reputation and was finally caught engaging in the three-way. Sampson admitted, "I've probably had over five thousand three-ways since I've been a coach. You can't recruit unless you do three-ways." A University spokesperson said that the University has a mission to develop students in a holistic manner. "Having a basketball coach engage in three-ways is not the message we want to send to our young people." Several middle aged men, who were interviewed for this story said, "You go get'em Kelvin!" One Hoosier fan commented, "This is Indiana not like California or Paris, France. Having three-ways in Indiana is quite an accomplishment, and having ten of them like he did, well that's just special."
MITCHELL PROBE FINDS SOMETHING Washington, DC -- Senator George Mitchell, who is heading up baseball investigation into steroid use, announced yesterday, "I found something!" Mitchell's wife commented, "He's always finding something. Last week he was all excited because he found something in the attic." She explained that the Senator has made an entire career out of finding something. Political commentator George Stephanhooplas explained, "I think Americans really understand the importance of their representatives in Washington spending billions of dollars finding something." He added, "If something is going to be found, I trust the Senator Mitchell is the guy who's going to find it." Steve Wonder said, "It doesn't look like I'm going to be finding much so I'm happy that Senator Mitchell is looking for me." Mitchell reiterated that, "I give the American people my commitment that I'm going to continue to look for things and that I'm going to find more things and that the total price tag of this investigation will be in the billions." He sternly said, "If you want to find something you've got to look very carefully and you need a lawyer like me to do it."
WADE PHILLIPS DENIES CALLING BELICHICK A "CHEAT" Irving, TX -- Dallas Cowboys coach Wade Phillips denied on Friday that he never said that Bill Belichick's three Super Bowl titles were tainted. On HBO's "Inside the NFL" program, reporter Peter King claimed that Phillips said to him that, "New England was caught cheating and it is a black mark on their success. The whole thing is tainted." Phillips said that in actuality King caught up with him in a men's room and what he actually said was, "There's a black mark on my skivvies." Phillips admitted that, "I was quite concerned with a black mark on my skivvies because I think the normal person would express concern if they looked down at their skivvies and there was sitting a black mark." "And further more," added Phillips, "I'm from Texas and I wouldn't use a big word like 'tainted' cause I don't even know what it means." Phillips further explained that Texas has it's own language and you got to take TSL classes (Texas As A Second Language) to understand anyone from the state. Phillips spoke some Texan and then translated for reporters. For instance, "The hen layed an agg, means the hen layed an egg." "Ma's tirard of arnin my paints and she bagged me to war'em reenkled, means Mom is tired of ironing and begged me to wear them wrinkled." Phillips continued for several more hours explaining the Texabonics language. At the conclusion of the lesson, everyone seemed satisfied that the country now knows why, "We're in the shitter!"
"I'm fixin to wrastle
this cratter near the nuklor plant means I'm gonna
catch this fish near the nuclear plant."
JOE PA HAS ROAD RAGE; SENIORS JOIN IN State College, PA -- Penn State University football coach Joe Paterno took the law into his own hands yesterday after he was involved in a traffic incident with a female driver. According to police, a female driver cut Paterno off, which enraged the 80-year-old coach, and he followed the driver screaming obscenities and raising his middle finger. Later the excited coach told reporters, "I wanted to bitch slap that f^&*in ho!" At the next red light, the woman's husband, who was riding in the passenger seat, got out of the car and confronted Paterno. The coach struck the man with a tire iron and stood over, taunting him with, "there, from now on, teach your b%&ch to drive right." Several very short men over 80-years-old witnessed the accident and got out of their Cadillac Sevilles. The group of six seniors proceeded to gang up on the husband kicking and pummeling him. The victim told police, "Getting beat by a group of 80-year-old men is very similar to being massaged by a Swedish stewardess." Paterno later said, "He's just lucky I'm not ten years younger!"
CELTICS GLEN "BABY" DAVIS TOURS ROME Rome, Italy -- Boston Celtics rookie and LSU legend, Glen "Baby" Davis, was able to sneak away from teammates during the team's exhibition visit to Europe. Davis had several adventures around the city of Rome which he documented as part of his "rookie" diary that he is keeping. Due to a special arrangement with Jockweb, Davis shared some of his diary with us. Here is an excerpt from his stroll around the city on Sunday. "Wow I'm lookin' at this I-talyan b$%ch and she got some fine t%^&ies. Here comes some more b%^&ches. Wow, more nice t$%^ies. I think I like it here. I gonna walk on over and say hi to the Pope. There he is. He ain't got no b%^&ches. Forget it. I ain't talking to him if he ain't got no b%^&ches. I'm gonna go into church. What the f^&*? This dude Angelo painted the whole f%^&in' ceiling. They're tellin' me it took him seven years. I get one of those power sprayers and I can do it in about an hour. I mean he was cool and he did an okay job but if I'm gonna be on my back for seven years I ain't paintin' I'm gonna have b^&*ches sittin' on top of me." Okay, that's all from Glen today. We may have to rethink this diary thing. We'll keep you posted.
NOTRE DAME LEGEND GIPP DUG UP Traverse City, MI -- The body of Notre Dame football player George Gipp of "Win one for the Gipper" fame was exhumed recently in his Upper (Michigan) Peninsula hometown. Gipp's remains were taken on October 4 from the Lake View Cemetary where he was buried in 1920. During his career, Gipp was a prolific runner and passer and even kicked off for ND and he was the school's first All-American. He scored 83 touchdowns and held the school career rushing record for more than 50 years. Many think digging up the body is a ploy by some to wake up the listless 2007 Irish team, who has struggled to score points. ND coach Charlie Weis said, "We're going to work George back slowly this week with a couple of plays designed just for him." Weis added, "I want every player to know, no one's job is safe." Gipp exhumation was filmed by ESPN for a future show and reporters were able to speak with Gipp first hand. Gipp explained that, "I never said "win one for the Gipper. I said, 'Win one for Flipper.'" Gipp, of course, was referring to the legendary television program "Flipper" about a young boy's perverse attraction to a dolphin. "I'm a Dolphins fan, what can I say?" Gipp added. "Hey, is Nick Saban still coaching in Miami," he asked. Weis commented, "Flipper? Well, that sure as hell changes things now, doesn't it?"  Former President Ronald Reagan, who played Gipp in the movie, "Knute Rockne, All-American, was not dug up. MEXICAN POLITICIAN TAKES SHORTCUT IN MARATHON Berlin, Germany -- Roberto Madrazo suffered a humiliating defeat last year when he ran for President of Mexico but the 55-year-old politician, who is also a marathon runner, recovered enough to win his age category at the September 30 Berlin Marathon. Madrazo came in with an eye-raising time of 2:41:12. Unfortunately, Madrazo was disqualified for apparently taking a shortcut. An electronic tracking chip indicated that Madrazo skipped two checkpoints in the race and would have needed superhuman speed to achieve his record time. According to the chip data, Madrazo ran 9 miles in 21 minutes and racing officials said the only Mexican that can run that fast is cartoon character "Speedy" Gonazales. Madrazo defended his time saying, "It was the jalapenos I ingested on the starting line." "I tell you my testicles were on fire and I run very, very fast when my testicles are on fire," he said with his arm raised. The politician added, "I spent weeks training with "Speedy" Gonzales and although he is a cartoon character, he's is very, very fast. And he leaves a trail of smoke behind like his testicles are on fire." Mexicans throughout the country were suspicious of Madrazo's victory claim when video captured him at the 10 mile mark splashing tabasco sauce and ingesting a bean burrito. Madrazo responded by saying, "I was so fast and I was so far ahead of everyone that I had time to clean a pool, cut some grass, and have a nice lunch. That is a great day in Mexico!" Race officials admitted that most runners got lost reading the directional signs in German. One official explained, "Gebstachheimerschmilictenschen means 'run this way.'"
CHICAGO CHANGES NAME, RELOCATES TO AVOID MARK CUBAN Chicago, IL -- The city of Chicago changed it's name yesterday to Ogacihc and moved the entire city to Iowa late last night. In what, historians will call the largest non-military mobilization of all time, millions of residents packed their belongings and moved. The mass exodus began when rumors circulated that Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban was considering purchasing the city's beloved Cubs. The announcement set off a panic among residents with City Council authorizing a complete relocation. City Council member Len Kloski explained, "We just don't want to be here when Cuban gets here." The night before the entire city of Chicago turned their lights completely off and pretended to be asleep but Cuban showed up anyway. So the city fathers agreed that the only way to avoid a Cuban purchase is to "move the entire city to Iowa and rename it." Cuban said, "I'm hurt but I'll find all of you and buy you anyway because I can buy anything or anybody I want!" FEMA director Suzy Kolber said, "I smile a lot and I'm really cute. I love Ogacihc."
MARION JONES TRIES TO GIVE MEDALS BACK Austin, TX -- Marion Jones tried unsuccessfully yesterday to give back her five Olympic medal that she won at the Sydney Olympics. Jones tried to forfeit the medals after admitting that she was a "drug cheat." However, U.S. Olympic Committee officials did not want the medals. "Shit, they're engraved with '2000 Olympic Games' and 'Marion Jones,'" said committee member Ben Crocker. "What the hell do we do with a handful of medals from 2000?" he asked. Jones said, "They'd make a two and half pairs of really nice earrings, and I'll bet they would fetch a hefty price." Or Jones suggested, "They could scratch off the 'n' in Marion, replace the 'o' in Jones with an 'a' and wait for a guy named Mario Janes to come along and win some Olympic events." Crocker said, "Hey, that's not a bad idea. Are there any runners named Mario Janes out there who might qualify for the 2008 Beijing games?" The committee was able to find a man named Mario Janes, who is 86-years-old and slightly demented. Janes was very excited to get the medals and seemed very proud of his Olympic accomplishments and denied ever taking performance enhancing drugs.
FAN PAYS PRICE FOR ASKING FOR AUTOGRAPH Denver, CO -- Ricky Maroon is your typical happy, go-lucky cheering MLB fan. "I love baseball and I love baseball players," explained Ricky. That all changed on Saturday evening after the Philadelphia Phillies lost to the Colorado Rockies. Maroon, in what a Phillies spokesperson said was a "case of bad timing," asked pitcher Brett Myers for an autograph as the players walked off the field in their elimination loss to the Rockies. Myers complied and signed Maroon's official MLB ball which he caught in the 5th from a Jimmy Rollins foul ball. After Myers penned his name on the ball, he rocketed a 98 MPH slider at Maroon. Maroon later said, "I don't see the slider so well." The ball hit Maroon above the eye and as Maroon explained it, "I didn't have my helmet on." Myers, who has a reputation for a fast temper, denied that anger played into his decision to throw the ball at Maroon. "The only person I intentionally hit is my wife," said Myers. He added, "Gee that kid doesn't look like my wife does he? But he does look an awful lot like Tobey McGuire," said Myers. Maroon said he harbored no ill feeling toward Myers or the Phillies. "No choking in three games straight is it's own punishment," he smiled.  Wow, this kid does look a lot like Tobey McGuire. FIGURE SKATER SLITS HER THROAT Ogden, UT -- A 16-year-old figure skater sliced her own juggler vein in what witnesses are describing as a suicide attempt during the Rocky Mountain Skating Championships on Saturday. Melody Temple, a former Olympic hopeful, was said to be despondent over her falling in the figure skating rankings. Figure skating expert Dick Button said, "Melody is old and dried up in figure skating terms." Button said that the average window of opportunity for competitive figure skating is one month. "The fact is," said Button, "that the really premier skaters today are a lot younger." "You reach your prime in this sport at about 3 1/2 years of age," he added. Temple's family told reporters that the skater was depressed when she found out that the Olympic skating committee had considered her "an old fart," in skating reality. During her routine, Temple bent forward and cut her neck with the blade of her skate causing blood to spurt all over the ice. "It looked like a gigantic Bloody Mary," said one spectator. "If only we had celery and tabasco, we could have sold cocktails," said one vendor. Fortunately, paramedics were able to close the wound on site and Temple finished her routine. Ironically, Temple's program was set to the Rolling Stones' hit album, "Let It Bleed."
DUKE PRESIDENT MAKES UP TO LACROSSE PLAYERS Durham, NC -- Duke University President Richard Brodhead apologized yesterday for not better supporting the men's lacrosse players who were wrongly accused of rape in a 2006 scandal that rocked the school. Brodhead asked each of the players, "Is there anything we can do to make it up to you?" One player said, "How about you give me like $250 million for my reputation?" Brodhead laughed and responded, "Yeah right." A second player said, "I'll tell you what, give me a job for life at your current salary. On second thought how about if you just give me your job?" Brodhead laughed again and said, "Wow, you guys are way off-base. I'm thinking like maybe I can take you to Starbucks and get you a double mocha latte or something." The players laughed and said, "Why not just buy us each our own Starbucks?" Brodhead responded, "Look, you assholes are really making this complicated. I was just just going to apologize for the press so we would look like really nice guys at Duke. I only have like $50 in my wallet. Now are you coming to Starbucks for coffee or not?" After a few moments, the players agreed to go to Starbucks and each had a frothy beverage in which they charge about 2000% markup. Brodhead commented, "These Starbucks places really rape you on the coffee. Ooooppps, bad choice of words...sorry fellas."
STEINBRENNER PROMISES HEADS WILL ROLL AFTER REPELLANT MISHAP New York, NY -- Yankees owner George Steinbrenner promised that there are going to be some big changes in the Yankee dugout after yesterday's insect driven defeat at the hands of the Cleveland Indians. Steinbrenner accused the Cleveland Indians organization of unleashing a "targeted bug swarm" on Yankee reliever Joba Chamberlain that ultimately distracted Chamberlain to the point where he threw a game changing wild pitch. Steinbrenner questioned the use of Chamberlain in that part of the game. "Why did Torre bring in a guy name Joba? Isn't that a 'Star Wars' character?" Steinbrenner fumed. The temperamental owner was extremely disturbed by the manager's choice of insect repellent. Torre sent the team trainer to the mound with a can of "Off" insect repellant. Steinbrenner vehemently disagreed with the Torre decision. "Any manager with any sense knows that 'Avon Skin So Soft' is the best damn repellent on the market but guys hear the word 'Avon' and think girlie stuff." "Well," he added, "I use the Avon product and let me tell you, I haven't had a mosquito bite in thirty years." Torre later admitted, "Maybe I should have went with the Avon but hindsight is 20-20. Nine times out of ten, I'm going with the 'Off' and I think most intelligent baseball people will agree with me." Steinbrenner announced that from now on, all pitchers will be required to light a citronella candle while on the mound. "Those candles really keep the bugs away. I don't have a barbecue without them."
MARION JONES ADMITS TO EVERYTHING White Plains, NY -- A tearful Marion Jones addressed reporters yesterday and said, "I'm a big fat liar and you should all just hate my guts." Moments later she retracted that statement and said, "Ok, I'm not fat because I'm a runner but I am a liar." Dressed in a black pants suit and a pink blouse, Jones spoke into a microphone and admitted that she's lied about everything. "Yes, I did have sex with former President Bill Clinton," said Jones. "I was dishonest telling everyone we were just jogging together to stay in shape when in actuality we've been having sex since we were introduced by former Secretary of State Madeline Albright." And that was only a fraction of what she'd come to court to confess. The 31-year-old Jones admitted to have sex with the entire Clinton cabinet and "most of the Bush administration too except for Dick Cheney because he really grossed me out without his clothes on. But I did have sex with his lesbian daughter." Jones added, "I even had sex with Hilary Clinton because I didn't want her to feel left out." Sen. Hilary Clinton (D-NY) commented, "I was grateful to Marion because no one's ever had sex with me and yes, I'm always left to just watch my husband have sex." Much to Jones' surprise no one was mad at her. All of the attendees at the press conference admitted to have sex with Bill Clinton and all agreed that the thought of a naked Dick Cheney would kill even a gorilla's sex drive.
This gorilla did admit
to having sex with Dick Cheney. "I felt sorry for
him," said the gorilla, "but I have to admit,
without clothes he's pathetic."
DENVER KICKER PENS NEW BOOK Denver, CO -- Denver Broncos kicker Jason Elam has a lot of down time between kicks and he has used that time well. Elam has been writing a book on the sidelines for the past several years and that book is now finished and ready to be released to a thirsty reading audience. Elam has combined football, Christianity, and terrorism into an action packed page turner that critics are comparing to such classics as "Scott's Big Roll," and "Charmin's Soft." Ed Wiederwack, book critic for the Lucky (New Mexico) Times, said, "If you like toilet tissue, you're gonna love 'Monday Night Jihad.'" "Monday Night Jihad" details the showdown between a gruesome group of terrorists bookmakers, hell bent on changing the outcome of a Patriots-Broncos game so they can cover the point spread. But in a surprise twist, a kicker foils the plot by shanking a field goal attempt from 32-yards on a 4th and 2, knocking the master mind senseless just long enough so that the kicker recognizes that there are terrorists in the stands. The kicker withstands boos from the crowd, who wanted the coach to go for it on 4th and 2 from the 22 yard line. Humiliated, the kicker runs into the stands and single handedly stabs the terrorists in their legs, much like Northern Colorado punter Mitch Cozad did to Rafael Mendoza. Elam said, "I've got to give Mitch credit on that one." "I was stuck for a climax and then Mitch stabbed Rafael and I said to myself, 'Why not have our hero stab the terrorists in the leg?'" Elam stated, "It's a nightmare scenario that I think football fans all over are going to just love to imagine but fortunately, in the end Christianity survives, and I (I mean the protagonist) kills the terrorists." LARRY BROWN DEMANDS PART OF MSG SETTLEMENT New York, NY -- Former New York Knicks coach Larry Brown was in court today demanding that he get at least some of the $11.5 million judgment against the Madison Square Garden in the Isiah Thomas sexual harassment suit. Brown claims that he too, was a victim of Thomas advances and feels he is entitled to some compensation. Attorneys for Brown said that their client suffers "daily flashbacks" and "have a fear of intimacy" with other NBA general managers. In a complaint filed with the court, Brown said that Thomas came on to him soon after Brown signed a 5 year, $44 million dollar deal with the Knicks in 2005. Brown alleges that Thomas became hostile and said, "For that kind of money, I want to see your booty." When Brown refused, Thomas then asked, "Well can I, at least see your pee-pee." Brown described how he felt intimidated and that "I had never shown my wee-wee to anyone because my mother always told me 'never show your wee-wee to anyone but mommy and daddy.'" When Brown refused Thomas' request he says, "I was fired." Thomas denies all of Brown's allegations. "If I want to see a pee-pee, I only have to go into the shower room. And come now, really, Larry Brown's?"
TEMPLE MASCOT BECOMES FIRST TIME FATHER Philadelphia, PA -- The Temple University Owl mascot found out yesterday that he accidentally fathered a child last year. In a tearful reunion, the Owl met his new born infant and promised the baby's mother, "I'm going to be there for you." The Owl said that since he is nocturnal, "I make a natural father. While lots of dads sleep through the 2am feedings, I'm wide awake." "I think once the baby gets used to the fact that her father is an Owl, we're going to just a normal family," he said. The Owl added that he wanted to change perceptions about cross-species relationships. "We may be different but we're still a family and I want people to know that despite appearances, I'm in a committed relationship," he emphasized. Vicky Frumstumph, the mother of the child said, "A lot of people have judged me for being involved and getting pregnant by someone who dresses like an owl but he's more than just a hoot, and damn it, we're going to make it."  This non-traditional family has something to prove. STEPHEN KING SEEN AT SOX GAME; REALLY SCARY Boston, MA -- Fiction writer Stephen King was spotted watching a Red Sox the other evening and the fans' consensus is that "he's scarier in person than most of his books." Boston fan Kevin McAteer said, "Wow, I've read all his books and yes, they scare the bejeesus out of me, but seeing him face to face was something I'll have nightmares about for years." King, who sat by himself, and occasionally spoke to people, who witnesses say, "were not there," was irritable throughout the game. Several people who King focused his stare on, caught on fire and were burnt to a crisp. One fan said, "I really liked when he lit the fans on fire with just a look. It was very effective." King sat with his St. Bernard and occasionally commanded the dog to eat vendors. One vendor escaped and said, "You have to wonder when a St. Bernard viciously attacks you, if selling concessions is worth it." King left the game after the 5th inning and as he left unleashed a virus designed to wipe out the entire human race. One New York Mets fan said, "Yeah we can use that right about now."  Yep, he's that scary! TINY WOMAN ESCAPES MLB CAPTIVITY Oakland, CA -- A rather small woman escaped from a harrowing nightmare yesterday after being held for the entire baseball season against her will. Young Maizy Diffle was walking by the Oakland bullpen earlier this season when she was abducted by several middle game relievers. Pitcher Kiko Calero explained, "We sit out in the pen for days at a time with nothing to do. Sometimes you just need a woman to talk to." The Athletics relief staff locked Diffle in a room behind the scoreboard and brought her out occasionally for entertainment. Diffle told reporters that her captors "were kind of sweet but watching baseball for and hundred and some odd days was really torturous." Diffle said that she survived on discarded hot dog pieces and peanut shells. "I stayed hydrated by drinking the last swig of beer left in bottles. You'd be amazed how much beer never gets consumed." Diffle escaped when team members were packing up their gear to end the season. Security was lax and Diffle saw an opportunity and ran. "Even though I was their prisoner, I harbor no ill feelings towards the Oakland Athletics, Major League Baseball, or Bud Selig," she said.  Diffle eluding stadium guards during her escape from the A's bullpen. MR. MET FOUND DEAD New York, NY -- After the biggest collapse in baseball history, the New York Mets' mascot, Mr. Met, was found dead yesterday by New York police in his apartment. Investigators suspect that suicide may be the cause of death. NYPD arrived at Mr. Met's apartment and found polyester stuffing lining the bathroom walls. "This is one part of the job you never get used to," said Detective Vinny D'Onofrio. "It's just another senseless event in the life of this city," he sighed. Mr. Met suffered from Swollen Head Syndrome, a disease known to affect poultry, and he had lived his entire life in discomfort and an undersized hat. Mr. Met, in his autobiography, "Jees My Head Is Huge," explained that he was the illegitimate offspring of a Las Vegas showgirl and chicken magnate, Frank Perdue. "I was always around chicken shit and it is surprising that I never contracted the Avian flu," he wrote. Police believe Mr. Met's depression may have been brought on by his employer's collapse in the last 17 games of the season.
McNABB OUTSTANDING IN EAGLES LOSS TO GIANTS East Rutherford, NJ -- Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb burned the New York Giants with an incredible passing rating of 6 despite his team's 16-3 loss. "He was on fire," said coach Andy Reid. "Wow a QB rating of 6? I would have thought that at best he had a rating of 5. But 6? Wow!" McNabb, who recently commented that the African-American quarterback faces more criticism than his white counterparts said after the game, "Now this is more like it." The Eagles offense stalled repeatedly with series after series of three and out. McNabb was sacked a record twelve times and said, "I'm always happy when I establish another record." One offensive lineman said, "He's so nimble and that's why he got the record." Meanwhile Brett Favre had another lackluster performance leading the Packers to their fourth consecutive victory. Favre was horrendous breaking the record for most touchdowns thrown by an NFL quarterback. Favre admitted, "Stop it you guys, and let's be truthful for once. You know you're only complimenting me because I'm white."
TEE BALL TEAM FIRES COACH Washington, DC -- After a hotly contentious team meeting, the Dodgers players agreed that it was time for their coach to go. The Dodgers, a team of 5 and 6-year-old girls in the White House T-Ball League, agreed to fire coach George W. Bush. The players released a joint statement saying, "Although, as a person, Coach George Bush may be a very nice man, as a coach, he plain sucks." Team captain Jessica said, "Notice I have no last name? That's because I'm from Brazil." Jessica added, "Basically, he's run the team into the ground." Players say that the team has run out of funds under Bush's leadership. Parents say Bush has diverted league and team registration money to fighting his war on terror. One player explained that, "I'm tired of all the fundraisers. Yesterday, he asked us to come up with 190 billion dollar selling cookie dough." Dominican import Ida Rodriguez said in Spanish, "He doesn't communicate well with his players." She asked in disbelief, "And you tell me he ran the Texas Rangers?"
SUZY KOLBER NAMED FEMA CHIEF Washington, DC -- President George Bush announced yesterday that ESPN sideline reporter Suzy Kolber would take the reins as head of FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Administration). Bush's appointment of Kolber came on the heels of Kolber's analysis of rebuilding efforts in the city during last week's telecast from the New Orleans Superdome. Kolber said, "Despite all the negative press, the rebuilding efforts under FEMA are just moving along swimmingly." Kolber cited inside information from that she got from a FEMA insider. There is wide speculation just how Kolber got her inside information from the male FEMA executive. However, Kolber's comments were enough to motivate the President to move Kolber from the sidelines to the top FEMA post. "Suzy really seems like she knows what she's talking about and even if she doesn't she's really cute as a button," said the President from the Rose Garden. "And," he added, "she does a hellava job in those Chevy commercials." Bush explained that after watching Kolber in a Chevy commercial, "I went out and bought a Cobalt and that is a piece of shit car." "But," he continued, "it's made in America and if you love your country you should buy a Cobalt." Kolber said that she was flattered by the move and that, "I'm looking forward to swimming in New Orleans." "I say we don't plug the levees and just make one really big, cool pool," said the new FEMA chief.
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