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JOCKWEB CAPTURES WONKA'S VERUCA SALT AT COURTSIDE

Veruca is the only child of the wealthy couple, Henry Salt and Angina Salt (a geography teacher in the revised book only, and named Henrietta in the 1971 film Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.) She is a terribly spoiled brat.. Also, she's the 3rd kid to be kicked out of his factory. We were extremely happy to see her go after eating candy and turn into an exploding blueberry. The whole time, we kept warning her to listen to Mr. Wonka but no, Veruca can't listen to anyone because she so goddamn spoiled.

Her father, Mr. Salt owns a nut business. When Veruca announced she wanted the Golden Ticket, her father bought thousands of Wonka Bars and made his factory workers open them. After three days passed, Veruca spent all of them kicking her legs about, while she screamed about how she wanted her Golden Ticket. Finally, a staff member found the ticket, and, as Veruca's father describes it, she is "all smiles again." All we wanted her father to do was give her a good ass whooping.

Thankfully Veruca represents, as do the other "bad" children who visit the factory, one of the  Seven Deadly Sins,  in her case, Greed. Jockweb strongly encourages you to watch the Wonka classic and pay heed to how annoying little spoiled children can be. At first sight of Veruca like behavior, forget about the possible child abuse charges, give the kid a good whooping!

LOU FERRIGNO JR. TRIES TO CONTACT LOST DAD

East Lansing, MI (too) -- A Michigan State junior, who claims to be the bastard child of actor, Lou Ferrigno, tried to make contact with his father last week on national television.

Lou Ferrigno, Jr. told Jockweb, "I'm not even sure he knows about me, but I really look like him, eh?" Ferrigno Sr. is most noted for his role as the "Incredible Hulk," in the 1980's TV drama. Ferrigno played the alter ego of the now dead actor, Bill Bixsby. He never uttered a line but once a month it seemed like Bixsby would have his menstrual cycle and turn into the "Hulk." Despite doing nothing but stand around and grunt while costumed in nothing but green paint and huge muscles, Ferrigno made a ton of money.

Even before the advent of Jockweb, Ferrigno told us that "Chicks really dig big muscular, green painted guys and I get laid all the time. I probably have a kid or two out there that I don't even know about."

The good news for Ferrigno Sr. is that he never had another acting job after the series and, having a younger, muscular green kid, who looks just like him, will probably make him feel like he has something to show for his lame career. Ferrigno Jr. confided to Jockweb, "Actually, I'm hoping to re-acquaint with Dad and get some tuition and beer money."

"Hey Dad, it's me, Lou Jr., your son. Guess what? I can lift a car over my head."

ANOREXIA SUPPORT GROUP CELEBRATES CHEERLEADERS' FIRST MEAL OF THE WEEK

East Lansing, MI -- An early exit from the NCAA tournament at the hands of upstart George Mason, didn't deter students at Michigan State from celebrating.

"Mindy, Mandy, and Muffy each took a bite of a hamburger," explained Wally Thynster. "And a student body, we're standing right behind them." Thynster is a member of perhaps the largest anorexia support group in the country. "You'd be surprised how effective having 10,000 screaming supporters can motivate someone to eat."

"I'm so fat," said the 110 pound Muffy St. Marie. "I'm a size 4 now and if I don't get into a size 2 by summer, I'll want to die." With cheers like, "Don't barf the burger," and "Scarf the nachos," supporters were able to get the reluctant cheerleaders to take a nibble.

"It was a great moment for all the fans," said ESPN analyst Dick Vitale. "To see these great young people cheering on their fellow students, well, it made me want to pop a DiGiorno's pizza in the oven. It's like I tell anorexics all the time, it ain't delivery, it's DiGiorno's."

"Eat, eat, eat," was followed by "ate, ate, ate!"

NIKE EXPERIMENTS WITH MAGNETIC UNIFORMS

Beaverton, OR -- Nike Inc. has just finished market studies on its latest product, the "magnetic uniform." The uniform developed in cooperation with NASA is meant to help the teams involve their fans in defensive strategy.

"It's probably the most exciting innovation to hit basketball since the jock strap," said Nike Marketing Director, Rex Carr. Fans are able to lean forward and actually attract the opposing team to the stands forcing a turnover. "The magnetic force is so strong that it can pull up to five Roseann Barrs at a time," added Carr.

In it's debut at Cameron Gymnasium on the Duke campus, proved to extremely effective. North Carolina guards were sucked into the stands on the last fourteen possessions of the second half, accounting for 28 points off of turnovers. Duke coach Mike Kurzawosewski said, "I really hate Chevrolets. I drive a Kia."

An NC guard gets sucked into the stands and coughs the ball up to a Duke opponent.

High School Hires Sex Offender as Motivational Speaker

JACKSONVILLE, FL - It didn't take long before hot teacher and child molester Debra Lefave found work in a high school again. This time as a motivational speaker.

"We have decided to bring in Ms. Lefave because the men's basketball team was lethargic at best," said MLK high school's basketball coach Arthur Treature. "After suffering our first losing season in 12 years, I asked the boys what would motivate them.  One of them suggested Lefave and I thought it was a great idea." Treature confessed that he has never seen anything like this and does not know why the boys will find additional motivation, but states that after the suggestion was made, the entire team was on board with the idea.  "I've never seen 16 year old boys so excited. I thought I had to do this."

Lefave will meet with the entire team before and individually after each game. The length of the meeting after the game will depend on whether the team wins or loses. Lefave was unavailable for comment, but an MLK senior basketball player predicts, "we're going undefeated. I don't care if we have to play the San Antonio ^&%#ing Spurs."




Lafave commented, "The problem with kids today is that there's not enough spanking. I plan on working with the players on spanking skills."

Golfer Ames Shot While Lining up Putt on 17th

SANTA FE, NM - Stephen Ames, only 1 stroke behind Tiger Woods at the New Mexico Classic, was shot in the right shoulder as he lined up the putt. If Ames had made the putt he would have pulled even with Woods.

Ames' troubles began earlier when he made light of a Tiger miscue. Woods hit an errant shot on the first hole that sailed three fairways over from their fairway. Ames snickered and broke into a loud laugh and remarked, "I thought this guy was good." Woods has a reputation for being over sensitive to jokes about his game. Woods threw down his driver, got behind the wheel of a Buick and tried to run Ames over. Woods gave up on the idea when Ames climbed a tree and Woods realized sponsor Buick wouldn't cover the cost of a banged up car. But Woods threatened Ames publicly saying, "I'm the Don Corleone of the golf links and don't forget that everyone comes to me for favors." Ames came down from the tree and then tried to shakily hit a wedge to the 1st green. He shanked the ball right but continued without incident until he got to the 17th green.

Spectators heard shots ring out and Ames immediately fell to the ground. Police arrested the individual involved in the shooting. Woods snickered and said, "So you still think I'm beatable?"

Police would not comment when asked if the shooter was a member of Woods' posse.
 

Ames later said from his hospital bed, "Tiger's number one in the world for a reason."

NCAA MOMENTS:

#1. D-GUY FAILS TO SHOW UP, LEAVES FENCE GUY HANGING

Spectator Stanley Waskelevich (shown in this picture) was left standing at an NCAA tourney game with just half a cheer. Waskelevich explained that the "D-guy, my other half got caught in traffic, and left me hanging. I'm the fence and I need a "D" or I'm f%^&ed. And asshole gets himself stuck in traffic. I was naked without the D. The D really brings everything together."

 
Waskelevich screamed out "fence, fence!" but the cheer fell flat. "It couldn't catch on with the crowd without the D."

#2. STUDENTS COMPLAIN ABOUT LONG LINES AT THE LOST AND FOUND

Thousands became hostile when they had to wait in extremely long lines to claim shoes, body piercings, and prozac.
Several happy students relieved that they found a shoe.

COACH PART 2: HIGH SCHOOL COACH ACCUSED OF FORCING STUDENT TO POOP IN BAG

Conroe, TX - A Conroe school district coach is on leave while school officials look into a claim that he forced a student athlete to go the bathroom in a plastic bag.

The unnamed student explained that the team was returning from a sporting event and "man, there was a turd choking me to death." Since there wasn't a bathroom on the bus, the coach told the student to defecate in a plastic bag and urinate into a soda cup.

Parents are up in arms while the coach defends himself as acting heroically under trying circumstances. Coach Joe Rodriguez said, "I had two choices staring me in the face. A load in the pants or a load in the bag. I chose the latter." Students on the bus were divided. One student asked, "What's the big deal? People follow their dogs around with a plastic bag and pick up turds all the time."

Rodriguez said he has been contacted by several major airlines as a consultant. A Southwest spokesperson said, "Who ever said barf bags were just one dimensional items? Rodriguez has single handedly changed our ideas on how to crap in flight. Just think, you'll never have to wait in line for a bathroom on an airplane."

A flight attendant instructs passengers to poop exactly where they are.

GYMNASTICS COACH FIRED FROM HIGH SCHOOL FOR APPEARING IN GAY PORN

Breese, Ill. - A high school gymnastics coach, who worked with cheerleaders, was fired after school administrators learned that the 22-year old gymnast had appeared in gay porn videos.

Josh Weast was not a school employee but had been hire to coach for the past three years. The principal of Mater Dei Catholic High School, Dennis Litteken, said he accidentally came across the videos at a gay film festival. "One night I got lost going to the supermarket and ended up at this gay porn festival. Even though Josh did an amazing job in the video and we think he should concentrate on his film career," said the breathless Litteken.

Weast said he made the videos about a year ago because, "I needed the money." He tried to convince school officials that he was still the right coach for the job. "Look, I promise not to bring my camera to school." But the hearing board of ten priests and four nuns were unmoved.

Father Ned Neely commented with a wink, "Gee if we only knew he needed cash, there was plenty of ways to make money at the rectory." The firing committee deliberated for six days before reaching a verdict. Neely added, "We had to scrutinize all of the video evidence very clearly. Gee, Josh is a damn fine actor but our cheerleaders could never be flexible enough to do the things Josh can."

Josh said he is finished with porn but says he's still very interested in doing something with parallel bars.

The gymnast's on the left is flexible enough for...wow, imagine that!

NCAA TOURNEY MOMENT:

We don't know why, but for some reason this guy scares us. We're not just saying "scared" in a superficial like, noises in the attic "scared." No, this is more like a Wes Craven, "I'm going to slash your throat scared" or "Chainsaw your girlfriend scared." Even last night as we tried to down a bottle of 'lunesta' and repeat to ourselves, "He's just an average college student," it didn't work. Thoughts of this guy made us wet the bed. Though we're a bit distressed, we hope you've been enjoying the tournament.

Is there any doubt this person has killed several people and buried them near our house? And he'll strike again, you can be sure of it.

MORE CHEERLEADING NEWS: (Jockweb is proud to be the #1 in Cheerleader coverage!)

U of Florida Sophomore confesses: I'm in Cheerleading to Meet Girls  ("He's a big dufass!" claims Senior Brandy Tailgate)

GAINESVILLE, FL - Sophomore Brian Markus has a secret.  He's not fanatical about Gator's athletics or the University of Florida in general.  "I'm just here to meet hot girls," confesses Markus. "I get to hang out with pretty girls in short skirts. I even get to grab their thighs and lift them over my heads and look up their skirts." Markus accepts that he is not attractive and is hoping that his proximity to these scantily clad women will eventually pay off.

Even before learning his secret, the other gator Cheerleaders were not thrilled with Markus. "He is creepy!" says Senior Cheer Captain Brady Tailgate. "I saw him carry a drill into the locker room and said to me 'see you soon'.  When he lifts me his palms are always sweaty and his fingers roam, if you know what I mean."  Other cheerleaders concur.  "It's so sad to hear him cry himself to sleep at night," said roommate Chad Levington, also a cheerleader. "But he comes off as so desperate and he tries so hard I don't even feel sorry for him anymore."

"He needs a hooker or something," says freshman Stacy Webber. "He's asked me out like 100 times, when I say 'no', he asks if he can just rub against me.  Like, I want to throw up."

Markus remains undaunted.  "I'm going to keep trying.  Even eggs get laid once."
 

Markus, "Hey do you go to Florida too?"                                                Brandy Tailgate (pictured left) has repeatedly asked Levington to keep Markus away from her.

Cheerleader Becomes Sick During Game; Does Not Lose Spirit

WASHINGTON, DC - Much like the spirit of the Southern Illinois cheerleader  who continued making cheer-like gestures despite breaking her neck, Illinois sophomore cheerleader Trisha Gamble would not let an upset stomach ruin her day.  "I had a tummy ache," says Gamble.  "I had to make a fast trip to the little girl's room.  I still felt yucky."

"I wanted to keep cheering.  My teammates wanted everyone to know how brave I was, so they made this little sign for me to hold up."  Gamble was taken to the hospital after the game where she was treated for food poisoning and was later released with a sign reading 'Feeling A Little Better'.

Gamble said if Pepto Bismol has a school, she'd apply. "He's my little pink friend," said the perky Gamble.

THERE IS NO CRYING IN BASKETBALL? (Eric Tiltissue at-large)

Minneapolis -- There is no crying in basketball; or so the saying goes. BUT former NFL coach Dick Vermeil has made it fashionable to weep at any moment.

And now the pussy effect has spread to the basketball court. There is nothing like a 7-foot man balling his brains out in front of a national TV audience. And Dick Vermeil has shown the way for all.

Duke's J.J. Redick's eyes welled up after his team's eventual demise, this time at the hands of LSU. Gonzaga's Adam Morrison let it out all the way at the end of his team's huge choke against UCLA. (Actually, doesn't Morrison sort of look like a Mexican girl with a moustache and a really good 3 point shot?) You would think that these men had lost their dog or something.

Crying men may start finding their way into other parts of society where crying has never been the norm. Imagine negotiators at the United Nations weeping at the first suggestion that Iran will not drop its nuclear weapons program. Or Fidel Castro crying when his Cuban baseball team lost on the international stage. Even North Korea's Kim Jong II weeping over his starving people. Imagine Dick Cheney crying over anything.

Dick Vermeil has shown the way. Thanks Dick!

NEW AGE PUSSIFIED CRIERS. Kim Jong says, "Chicks dig my sensitive side."

JAPAN CELEBRATES WBC VICTORY OVER CUBA BY GOING TO DISNEYRAND

Tokyo-- Japanese baseball fans erupted in a crazed celebration in downtown Tokyo after the Japanese team defeated Cuba in the finals of the World Baseball Classic.

Japanese celebrated throughout the night with their traditional beverage, sake, and lots of Tom Jones karaoke.

The Japanese government announced a national holiday and Japanese slugger Horito Toyota announced, "We're going Disneyrand." Disney Inc. announced that they would immediately acquired sparse available land in Japan and hastily construct "Disneyrand."

 "You gotta figure a Disney theme park in Japan is gonna kill," said Disney exec Harry Smallwarl. In what could be the most understated comment in all of journalistic history, Smallwarl added, "It's just a casual observation, but I think the Japanese like visiting Disneyland and Disneyworld. And could we do any worse than DisneyEurope?"

Disney said they will get down to serious planning after the Japanese national erections where Japanese will vote for a new Prime Minister.

A Japanese karaoke singer belts out the old Tom Jones standard, "What's New Pussyrat?"

TENNESSEE WOMEN'S DUNK TRUTH REVEALED

Knoxville, TN -- Reports about Tennessee women's basketball star Candice Parker dunking twice in a game proved false. Jockweb's film analyst Federicos Phellini reviewed the tape from the game and found the video to be altered by computer editing.

The NCAA announced that Parker set a record as the first woman to dunk twice in a basketball game. Phellini's begs to differ. "I watch the tape over and over, and yes, she did dunk twice but of course, it was a nerf basketball and the game was videotaped in her dorm room, and it was against her roommate. Someone superimposed the nerf dunk into a basketball game."

Phellini suspects that it was a joint conspiracy between ESPN and the NCAA to boost ratings. "If the audience is forced to look at Pat Summit's miserable puss for an hour, you better have some acrobatic basketball in between, " said ESPN director Faye Flammer. "If you can't have women playing naked, then dunking is the next best thing to draw a male demographic."

For the record, Parker won the dorm room game and her roommate has to make her bed for a week.
Parker asked if it could be possible that she was the love child of Spurs guard Tony Parker and Eva Longoria. "Wouldn't they be great parents to have?"

DYSLEXIC STUDENTS THROWN OUT OF ARENA FOR PROFANITY

Atlanta, GA -- Two dyslexic students were removed from security at an NCAA tournament game for public profanity. Josh Guilden and Wally Wabash, two college sophomores were asked to leave the arena for what tournament officials are calling "a public display of hateful speech."

Guilden and Wabash painted what amounted to be an "offensive expression" on their bodies. Security was immediately alerted when a nun of the opposite side of the court caught on to the two rowdy sophs. Sister Agatha Christie, an 87 year old Carmelite basketball fan, explained, "I've been around the block a few times and I know depravity when I see it. Those boys deserve to have their testicles put in a vice."

The boys played down the nun's complaint by saying, "What's the big deal? "C" and "K" were hung over and didn't show up." School officials mentioned that both Guilden and Wabash were in a special reading program and cannot be held responsible. "Wabash wrote a paper the other day on Huckelbarry Hound by Tark Mwain."

Both boys hired attorneys and will pursue legal relief under the Americans with Disabilities Act.

Is that dyslexic student on far right is giving the "finger" to the camera?

Jockweb's Al Krumlish Approached to Replace Paul Tagliabue

NEW YORK, NY - Al Krumlish, best known for insightful and in depth responses to childrens' letters on the web site Jockweb.com has been asked to consider replacing NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue upon his retirement this June.  "We really wanted Condaleeza," says NFL spokesman Hank Darrish.  "But apparently the President has some compromising pictures of her, or something to that effect, so she can't get out of her current contract."

"I flattered," said Krumlish from his North Jersey home. "To think that a one time accused child molester could one day run the NFL gives hope to just about everyone."  Krumlish added for the record that he was just helping that little boy get home from a soccer match. 

Not everyone was pleased with the offer. "What the fudge?" asked NFL Player representative Gene Upshaw. "I know homeless people more damn qualified than Krumlish.  That fat bastard couldn't manage a Taco Bell.  He won't survive in the NFL." Upshaw and others point to Krumlish's failures as a little league manager, soccer coach, and maestro of the Phoenix Orchestra. They give little credit for his work with the U.N. or his orchestration of U.S. involvement in Iraq.

Krumlish says he will have his decision to the NFL by the end of April. As for the criticism, Krumlish asks his doubters to "bite me!".
 

We're proud of Jockweb's contribution to the search for a new NFL commissioner. Way to go AL!

PHILADELPHIA 76ers ASK ASK FAVOR FROM DALLAS COWBOYS

Philadelphia -- On the heals of the signing of ex-Philadelphia Eagle, Terrell Owens, by the Dallas Cowboys, the Philadelphia 76ers basketball team asked the Cowboy management for an additional favor.

Sixers GM Billy King asked Cowboy owner Jerry Jones, "Do you think you could take Allen Iverson, too?" King said this was a great opportunity for both organizations. "Imagine the synergy and marketing opportunities with T.O. and A.I. on the same team," said the excited King.

Jones is said to be considering the offer. "You know me, I just love helping troubled athletes find their way," said Jones. "To me it's all about helping people and I believe deeply in T.O.'s innate goodness. He's going to thrive in the warm, caring atmosphere of the Dallas Cowboys." Iverson thinks the idea is a good one. When asked about his feelings on the matter, Iverson responded, "No one give a damn about A.I. or respect me none. I ain't get no respect. If ain't no one specting me and I ain't specting them. It ain't about money it's about respecting me as a man. Did I mention that I ain't gettin enough respect?"

T.O. echoed A.I.'s respect theme with his comment, "I ain't get no respect. If ain't no one specting me and I ain't specting them. It ain't about the money it's about respecting me as a man."

We couldn't agree more on the importance of Respect!

Two fans did not request compensation.

ONLY SIX SCHOOLS LEFT OUT OF POST-SEASON, DECIDE TO HAVE THEIR OWN TOURNEY

Atlanta -- Between the hundreds and hundreds college basketball programs, only six schools failed to make it to a post season tournament.  Of the 1,000 colleges and universities with basketball programs, 996 are playing in some post-season tournament.

The six schools: Star Jones School of Agriculture and Mining, Murray Steak University, Sushi Culinary College, Blitzer Tech, Strayer On-Line University, and the Anna Nicole College of Striptease Arts failed to win a basketball game all season and therefore were not invited to partake in any of the huge financial payouts which is college basketball.

In order to showcase their programs and build institutional pride the six schools will be playing in the Shamed and Hardup Invitational Tournament or SHIT. The SHIT will take place this weekend and will run up against the NCAA, the NIT, PTC, MTA, KKK, the women's NCAA and NIT, the SCC, SEC, FDA, and the DDT. "We just want to play somewhere," said Star Jones A&M president, Star Jones. "I'm down to a size 22 and I want to see some hoops." Strayer University president Ray Gigahoot said, "You know we can do this whole post-season thing on-line. Teams can just play from the comfort of their own computer."

 Murray Steaks of Murray Steaks University announced that sirloin was on sale this week for $3.99 a pound.

A proud family member of an Anna Nicole College of Striptease Arts team displays some terrific school spirit.

AN NCAA MOMENT:

Tournament Game Stopped To Allow for Muslim Prayer

Atlanta -- The NCAA announced that it would interrupt all of the 2006 tournament games to allow for a prayer.

"We're just a bit more sensitive then we used to be," said tournament director Sheika Al-Maquire. "There's plenty of room for people with diverse backgrounds and faith to enjoy a little hoops and a little God."

Approximately 50 students kneeled at half-court during a TV time out and chanted praises for about ninety seconds. "We just asked that God bring us more three pointers," said student Ted Tacken. "I'm a Baptist but when we went cold in the first half, I became a Muslim. You know, it's not a bad idea to kneel and pray five times a day. A few billion Muslims can't be all wrong. And besides, if I get to heaven and see God looks like Yassir Arafat, I want to make sure I've got some good will."

Catholics from Gonzaga, Boston College, Georgetown, and Villanova immediately protested the prayer group as an unfair advantage and requested a technical foul be called. Reverend Barney Frankenberry demanded that he be allowed to celebrate Mass during the halftime of the Georgetown-Ohio State game. Frankenberry was granted his request but his sermon was cut short for a Budweiser commercial.

Students facing toward Mecca during the Bucknell-Memphis game.

WHAT REALLY HAPPENED DURING THE SAN DIEGO BOMB SCARE

(Jockweb's crack, investigative reporter Eric Tiltissue went undercover to get us this report)

San Diego -- The opening game of the NCAA tournament at San Diego State University was delayed for 70 minutes last Thursday, due to a bomb scare.

However, bomb-sniffing dogs gave a false positive when sniffing what was supposedly bomb making materials. Apparently, bomb materials smell like ass. Given that, it can be fairly easy for canines to get confused between a bomb and ass.

When, lead hound sniffing dog, Barkley, was asked what he smelled, he explained, "It could have been a bomb or John Chaney's ass in the building, I couldn't take that chance, so I had to pull the alarm. I'm a dog, this is my job. I can't get rattled by the whole terrorist thing. For chrissakes, a bomb pales to an angry old man with a rolled up newspaper in his hands." Barkley's handler looked on and responded, "Dumb mutt."

ATF (Alcohol, Firearms, and Tobacco) agent, Smokey Winston said, "There's a real chink in our security armor if we're caught between this bomb and ass thing. Certainly dogs are talented enough for sophisticated police work but you always have to account for the 'ass and hump factor.' "

Barkley on the scene, "That's a bomb, wait a minute, that might be ass...oh yeah, that's definitely ass."

Editor's note:

Even more upsetting, Eric had Iona going to the Final Four and they have completely killed his bracket.

PICTURE OF THE DAY:  Villanova Guard Allen Ray Makes Speedy Recovery from Eye Injury

Pictured above is Senior Villanova guard Allen Ray shown days after his painful eye injury that forced him out of the Big East Conference Tournament. Ray has been improving every day and has been able to participate in the NCAA Tournament.

Cuba to Play Japan in WBC Final; US to Play With Themselves

SAN DIEGO, CA - "It can't be baseball without America participating," said MLB spokesman Michael Morro.  "We will be involved in some capacity."  Morro is referring to the fact that the US team has been eliminated from the World Baseball Classic, an event the Americans were supposed to win easily.  "No US means no interest locally, no ratings and therefore no money."

A compromise was reached on Monday allowing the defeated US team to play amongst themselves while Japanese businessmen and the Hispanic community watched Cuba take on Japan for the unofficial title.

"The camera will be pointed mostly at Derrick Jeter's private region - something most baseball fans like to see.  After Cuba and Japan stop playing, we will announce the US as the winner."  Morro also added that this is the way the president wants it, and adds that although there were no weapons of mass destruction, the invasion of Iraq was still the right decision.

Pictured: Even the Cubans are bored without the US around

For years, many have wondered, both silently and aloud what is a Canuck exactly? The term "Canuck" has come to the forefront because of the popularity of the Vancouver hockey franchise known as the 'Canucks'.  Jockweb's crack investigative team of Marshall and Penny have uncovered the horrible truth: "Canuck" is a slang term for "Canadian", or someone from Canada.

"I scared my kids for years with that one," said Little Rock, Arkansas resident Lyle Bogart.  "I used to tell them that the Boogeyman had team up with a Canuck and was looking for bad children.  Guess I can't use that one anymore." Bogart added that his children were 21 and 18, so stories of scary monsters had lost impact, anyway. 

"My goodness," said Marge Applebee of Butte, Montana.  "I always thought a Canuck was another name for a tire.  You know, like 'I have a flat Canuck', or 'put 4 new Canucks on my car, please', or 'boy, once a Canuck starts burning, it's hard to put it out'."  Applebee insisted that her familiarity with using the term Canuck as meaning tire, it will be hard for her to change.  "I'll probably always put Canucks on my car."

Please join us next week for part 2 of our Exclusive Investigation series:  What the hell is a Hoya?

"When I think of scary and Canuck, I dream of this guy or girl," said Lyle Bogart.

MARCH MADNESS: BATMAN UNABLE TO FEND OFF HOARD, ROBIN TRAMPLED TO DEATH

Batman was unable to subdue a crowd of unruly fans during a regional game this weekend in Atlanta. Students became frenzied when "Darla the Face Painter" announced that she would be doing free face painting for all kids under 7.

Students became agitated when told of the age cutoff and demanded that Darla paint everyone in the arena. The famed team of Batman and Robin responded to Darla's plea for help after several students tied her up and stole her paint.

Batman, who for some reason, never carries a gun and on top of that, doesn't appear to be intimidating, failed to subdue the hostile crowd. Fans turned on Robin, just on general principle, because he's not really essential to the story line.

NCAA Women's Basketball to experiment in 2007 with 'Artistic Impression'

Stamford, CT - Women's basketball is about to get a lot fancier. Taking a page from the majority of women's Olympic sports, womens' college basketball will feature judges to award points in addition to points awarded for baskets.

 "Say a guard makes a lay up," explains Gertrude Levy of the NCAA. "In the past, it's 2 points.  Starting in 2007, that same lay up could be worth anywhere from 2.0 to 3.0 points, depending on factors such as form, style and artistic impression."  The idea comes from the popularity of women's sports such as figure skating and gymnastics, where judges, not real scoring, decides who wins a contest.  "It's like high school again, where the cutest and most popular usually wins unless she falls,"  added Levy.

Judges will award points after each possession.  There will be a 30 second delay each time the ball changes hands to tally the judges points.  The NCAA isn't worried about losing the audience because of these delays. John Leya of ESPN explains. "While the game will slow down a bit, we will still keep the lesbian viewership that is the backbone of women's athletics. We're hoping to gain suburban housewives and teenage boys who are so eager to watch women's gymnastics by bringing an element of style and appearance to women's basketball."  Leya went on to detail how the game will change, "Let's say that you have a team that can't put the ball in the basket. But similar to gymnasts, they are very cute and perky and move with grace. They could score enough style points to win anyway. Isn't that exciting?" 

NCAA's Levy would not confirm if regular basketball uniforms would continue to be worn, or if the women will switch to tights or skaters miniskirts.

Baltimore Ravens Sign Corpse of Johnny Unitas

Baltimore, MD - The Baltimore Ravens wasted little time in the 2006 free agency period to grab an experienced back up quarterback. 

"It's so important to have a back up with experience in case your #1 goes down," said GM Ozzie Newsome after announcing the signing of Johnny Unitas.

 "Despite being deceased, Unitas has the skills and experience we're looking for to help bring us to the next level if called upon to play."  When asked if the 'previously living' status, that Unitas has been tagged with, will effect his chances, Newsome responded that, "Kyle Boller has been a stiff for three years and Unitas couldn't possibly be much worse. Besides, Unitas' salary doesn't go against the cap."

Newsome added,   "And Unitas seems to have some history in this town." Ravens fan Fuzzy Furst asked the question, "Dead Johnny U or live Kyle B? We'll place our bets on old #19."

Unitas posing at the Ravens press conference.

RICK TOCCHET'S OFFICE POOL TAKING A HIT

Phoenix -- Phoenix Coyotes assistant coach Rick Tocchet announced that "my NCAA office pool is in shambles." Tocchet said he stands to lose over $500,000 because, "I had Iowa and Michigan State going to the Elite Eight."

Tocchet added, "I'm hoping for a recovery on Saturday. I admit, Southern upsetting Duke was a long shot but I almost made it up with my Albany over Connecticut pick."

All told Tocchet collected over seven million dollars in bets for the NCAA tournament and said although he's a little worried he's going to have to lay some of this money off, "NCAA office pools are really good for company morale. I just didn't expect the employees to place millions with me. It's a pretty rich office, heh?"

Employees who joined the pool are hoping that Tocchet can pay off. Secretary Wendy Kinsel said, "We just just think Rick is a great guy to bet with and he's always paid off before. The only drawback is that if we win, for some reason we have to go to New Jersey to collect from Rick's friend, Carmine."

Tocchet and the Coyote management staff. Tocchet added, "Every office ought to have a  poo, it  keep everyone loose." loose, and we never bet on hockey."

Syracuse Men's Basketball Team Arrested for Fraud

SYRACUSE, NY - Moments after stepping off a plane that was returning them to campus, the Syracuse men's basketball team were arrested for fraud.

 Led by coach Jim Boeheim and senior guard Gerry McNamara, the Orangemen lost in the NCAA tournament's opening round to 12th seed Texas A&M less than a week after winning the Big East Conference Tournament.

 "Obviously, this team was a fraud," said Syracuse Deputy Police Commissioner Brad Dilworth.  "Hopes got up around here. A first round loss not only brought them crashing down, but the District Attorney decided criminal charges should be brought."

At worst, the team will be charged with misdemeanor fraud and petty theft.  Although no jail time is faced, the message has been sent according to Dilworth.  "If the Big East keeps losing, we're going to lock them all up. Oh and did I say Gerry McNamara is overrated?"

Point guard Gerry McNamara said" that seven games in ten days really aged me but hey how do you like my hair grown out?"

LARRY BROWN AND STEPHON MARBURY MAKE UP, SORT OF, LIKE NO

New York -- Temperamental point guard and temperamental coach met and made up. At least that's what they said. Here's what was said:

Marbury, "He (Larry Brown) told me he could do whatever he want with this franchise and that he don't want to trade me. He flexed a real hard juice card. He don't scare me."
 

Brown, "I told him, I like the way he cheers for his teammates. He sucks at point guard but he's a hellava cheerleader. Better the A.I. actually."

Now we're not absolutely positive but if these two were a married couple, wouldn't one be sleeping on the couch? Where's the make up part? And please, can someone translate for us, what is "flexing a real hard juice card?" Could Larry Brown flex anything and if indeed he flexed a hard juice card, where would the juice come from? If you can shed light on the "flexing the juice card" idea, would you please contact us?

JOCKWEB READER SOUNDS OFF

Bratislavic Slovenicvic wants to know:

Why no Lithuanian and Yugoslavian school in NCAA tournament?

Bratislavic says that because "you know we kik you ass. We play basketball better you. We take over NBA. We take over sneaker deal. Look like yankee boy afraid. Go get big boy and try to take gold medal from us. Big joke, yankee boy. Who big name in NCAA? Winthrop? Oral Robert? OOOOOH we scared you? I no think so. Basketball? We own yankee ass.

FBI ANNOUNCES, "TERRORIST UNLIKELY TO STRIKE AT BAY HILL CLASSIC"

Bay Hill-- The FBI announced today that it is unlikely that there will be a terrorist attack at this week's Bay Hill Classic in Bay Hill, Florida.

Our sources tell us that there has been no terrorist activity near or around the vicinity of the golf course. Law enforcement has long been concerned about terrorists striking at a major sporting event but not at a golf tournament.

"We think a golf tournament might just be the safest place to hide from a terrorist," said regional FBI director, Efram Zimbelist, Jr. "We're so confident that we're putting up a code Pink around Bay Hill. All pastel colors associated with golf reflect a zero level of terrorist activity."

There was a scare earlier in the week when a elderly man was following Ernie Els and Retief Goosen with what appeared to be a suspicious backpack. "Turn out he was a 82 year old retiree from Minneapolis with an oxygen tank," explained Zimbelist.

Two easy going golf fans on their way to watch the Bay Hill Classic.

Soccer becomes #1, Followed by Little League and PeeWee Football

Soccer has taken over as the top sport played by 8-10 year olds according to the most recent AP Poll.  Little League Baseball, formerly #1 has dropped to #2, and PeeWee Football has fallen off the chart.  "I chalk this up to the pussification of America's youth," said youth sports director Al Krumlish.  "Mom's don't want their precious little angels getting hurt, and you almost can't get hurt playing soccer."  Football is out of the question according to Krumlish because of the manly nature of the game and the fact that Mom's have too much power at home.  "I'll be damned if my boy would be allowed to run around some gay field kicking some gay ball chased by a bunch of gay kids.  Not unless he could pick up that ball and run for a touchdown after throwing a vicious straight arm or two."  Krumlish added that we were all a bunch of pussies.

CONGRESS TO MAKE STEROIDS MANDATORY BY 2010

Washington -- The Congressional Committee that oversees professional sports passed legislation today which make steroid use compulsory for all major league baseball players, effective January 1, 2010.

Congressman and committee chairperson Ted "Huge" Kennedy said, "Baseball without steroids is inconceivable. It's like America and apple pie without vanilla ice cream."

Baseball observers say that congress had to take action. "Steroids in baseball is the only logical way we can keep interest in the game," said Jockweb baseball writer Winky Lid. "Seriously, we can't take the home run out of the game. Who's going to want to watch 22 singles hitters?"

Senator Kennedy added, "This steroid investigative stuff is cutting into my bimbo hunting time. I say let them have their injections so I can have my erections."

Kennedy has long been suspected of steroid use.

JOCKWEB NCAA TOURNEY TIPS

Jockweb Expert LENNY PUTZO Picks the Brackets: 

LENNY SAYS: It seems that if you take the team with the lower number, you have a better chance of winning.  For instance, our extensive research has uncovered that #1 seeds typically defeat #16 seeds.  As those numbers get closer, say a #8 playing a #9, the odds are a little closer.  I traditionally do much better by picking lower numbers than my previous method of picking which was based on the this unbelievably expensive statistical computer program I bought but couldn't figure out the f$%^in thing and I put it on my credit card and by the time the bill came in the f%&*in tournament was over and you should of heard my wife bitch about that credit card bill and the next thing you know she moves in with the guy who pumps heating oil into our house and that ain't all he's pumping, you know what I mean and another thing about that sophisticated program, it didn't run on my Commodore 64 computer, what the frig is that all about? Anyway my new system oughta work pretty damn good.

AUTISTIC BASKETBALL PLAYER LANDS JOB IN THE WHITE HOUSE

New York -- Jason McElwain, the autistic basketball team manager, who became famous for scoring six 3-point shots in a game last week, has taken a position in the Bush Adminstration.

President Bush visited McElwain during a swing through western New York where he talked about Medicare. McElwain was asked which was more exciting, meeting the President or knocking down six threes? McElwain responded, "To tell you the truth, knocking down six beers and birddogging babes beats the President and basketball together."

The President said that he liked, "McElwain's spunk and his ability to play defense." He  immediately replaced Donald Rumsfeld with McElwain as Secretary of Defense. One hour later Bush blamed his entire failed Iraq invasion on McElwain saying, "I should have never listened to the autistic kid." McElwain, unsurprisingly, did not respond. Later McElwain did express interest in filling up the water bottles and getting back to the bench as team manager.

"Being manager is lots of fun, and everyone likes me. Being Secretary of Defense is fun too. You get to play with bombs and kill lots of people but I'll be damned if Bush is going to use me as another autistic scapegoat. I had lousy intelligence and Bush has none."

Fox Announces New Series: Thugging With the Stars

New York --In the same vein of "Dancing and Skating with Stars," the Fox Network has announced "Thugging with the Stars."

Fox promises an All-Star lineup of celebrities who are amateur criminals doing what they like to do best.  Celebrities such as Marcus Vick, Maurice Clarett, and former OSU basketball coach Eddie Sutton will be matched with real street hoodlums from East LA, and be given booze and weapons.

The celebrities must commit street crimes and impress a panel of experts including a sympathetic woman, an ethnic stereotype and a gay Brit,  to earn votes as the best amateur celebrity street criminal. 

 "We're excited about this," says Fox owner Rupert Murdoch.  "As long as no one pops a cap in my arse..."  The series will be hosted by NBA star Allen Iverson and will feature interviews by Weird Harold formerly of the 70's TV series Fat Albert.

A picture of some really scary, suburban thugs. Fox said that due to ratings concerns, suburban thugs will not be allowed to participate.

NCAA TOURNAMENT UPDATE: UTAH POSTAL WORKER DUPED IN OFFICE POOL

Salt Lake City-- A Salt Lake City postal worker is holding an entire post office hostage after he discovered that co-workers had him fill out the 2005 bracket for the office pool.

Jockweb reporter Sid Knotvicious was in the post office at the time of the hostage takeover. Through his cell phone he has been able to communicate with us and give us a moment by moment account of the incident.

JW: Sid, first of all are you okay?

SK: Come on, these beserk postal workers are so routine, it's almost a cliche.

JW: Almost?

SK: At first, we thought he was just a pissed off Morman back from an evangelization trip. But then people quickly realized, it was all about the tournament.

JW: What exactly happened?

SK: It appears it started as a joke. The postal worker (he identifies himself as Mr. P.) wanted to be part of the office NCAA pool. He was given as 2005 bracket sheet and plunked $2,500 down on North Carolina to go all the way. Several workers didn't want to tell him that the 2006 bracket was released on Sunday. They thought the $2500 would be easy pickings. Mr. P heard a few co-workers snickering behind his back, and immediately became paranoid that people were conspiring behind his back and aliens were going to abduct him to Pluto. Usual postal worker crazy stuff.

JW: So he took everyone hostage?

SK: Yeah, he's a got a hunting rifle.

JW: What do youi think he'll do if he finds out that the 2006 bracket is out?

SK: We're all kind of rooting for a young North Carolina team to surprise a few people.

JW: Good luck with that.

SK: Absolutely. By the way, just divide up all the stuff from my desk among yourselves.

JW: Will do.

7'6" FEMALE CHINESE BASKETBALL PLAYER UP FOR ADOPTION

Beijing- A 7'6" Chinese women's basketball player is being adopted by an American couple.

Ri Li Tau, an extremely gifted basketball player, was recently placed in an orphanage. Her father, Wang Lo Wi, explained, "In China, we only allow have one child. We want boy no girl. I no luck. I got tall girl. No Yao Ming. Just tall girl. No money tall girl." The Chinese government has a mandatory one child per family policy.

The American couple, Lou and Ginny Baxter, said they've been wanting a little girl for years. "Okay so she's 7'6" but she still our little girl," said the beaming new dad. "We've got to exchange the baby clothes."

Shaquille O'Neal agreed to help the Baxters by donating a bag of his old suits. "That's one big bitch," said the Heat center.

The Baxters immediately signed Ri Li up for a dance class. "We always wanted a little ballerina and Ri Li is just going to love her first dance recital after we get her feet unbound," said Mrs. B.

TEAM USA ON SUICIDE WATCH AFTER LOSS TO TEAM CANADA

Team USA has been indefinitely placed under a group suicide watch after its' loss to Team Canada in the inaugural World Baseball Classic.

"This could go on for years," said team psychiatrist Dr. Mort Bluestine. "In the eyes of their countrymen, they're a national disgrace and truthfully, suicide isn't a bad option."

Manager Buck Maritinez has been extra careful by padlocking the lid to the gatorade cooler. "Thirty cups of gatorade would do the trick and I'm all in favor of the idea. Mabye we can hitch a ride on a comet with Marshall Appelwhite."

A Team Canada spokesperson explained that there were only three Canadians who played baseball. "It wasn't easy talking people into playing baseball but now everyone is so happy, we're thinking of putting a team in Montreal."

USA player Alex Rodriguez commented, "Wow, I'm just glad I'm Dominican, I'm off the hook."

The Reverend Jim Jones was once quoted as saying, "There are no Canadians playing baseball on the other side."

Confession from University of Southern Illinois: Cheerleader did Wrong Cheer

SPRINGFIELD, IL - Southern Illinois cheerleader Kristi Yamaoka (no relation to the figure skater) was dropped on her head during a basketball time out on March 8.  Despite having head trauma and a broken neck vertebra, Yamaoka commenced cheerleader-like arm motions as the band began to play the fight song. "Everytime we hear that fight song, and they play it over and over at all the games, our coach has us dance because it keeps the crowd going," she said. "So as soon as I heard it, I figured the rest of my squad was probably doing the fight song and I'm still part of the squad so I had to do my thing."  explained Yamaoka.

The dance from the stretcher encouraged all that were watching that she was fine.  Except Fran Dunbar, staff advisor to the cheerleaders of Southern Illinois.  "She did it all wrong," said Dunbar.  "Aside from the fact that she was supposed to be standing, the left hand should never come in contact with the left hip, the right arm was straight practically throughout, I counted about 10 mistakes.  Frankly, I think she was doing the wrong cheer."  When asked if Yamaoka did the right thing by attempting to do the cheer while strapped down, Dunbar told Jockweb that it probably wasn't the smartest thing to do.  "...but hey - if she was smart she wouldn't have settled on Southern Illinois, now would she?"

No one on the southern Illinois staff would confirm that the spotter was from Hawaii and still a little miffed about Pearl Harbor.

SIU cheerleaders later tried to throw Yamaoka from a rock. Witnesses say she landed on her head, and began doing the Notre Dame fight song.

TERRELL OWENS TRADED TO DENVER AND THEN QUICKLY TRADED BACK

Denver-- Troubled receiver Terrell Owens was traded yesterday by the Philadelphia Eagles to the Denver Broncos but the trade only lasted two minutes.

Owens became a Bronco at 9am on Friday but was traded back at 9:02am. Coach Mike Shanahan explained, "It didn't take long for Owens to disrupt our locker room. Even though no one is here because it's the off-season, that didn't stop Terrell."

Apparently, several Broncos stopped talking to one another after Owens asked, "How come I'm not getting the ball more?" Owens criticized QB Jake Plummer and commented that "We'll never win without Brett Favre."

Shanahan said he had had enough of Owens and that "it was the longest two minutes of my life." Eagles President Joe Banner said, "We're happy to have Terrell back as an Eagle, just to break balls."

Jake Plummer broke down on ESPN and said Owens comments are, "black on white crime."

UCONN'S CALHOUN DEMANDS BIG EAST TOURNAMENT BE STOPPED

New York-- University of Connecticut basketball coach stepped to a podium yesterday at Madison Square Garden and demanded that the Big East post-season tournament be stopped.

"You can't go on without us, it's as simple as that," Calhoun ranted. "Come on, who wants to watch an overrated Gerry McNamara shoot threes against Pitt? There's gonna be about ten people watching the final and we're stuck looking at Jim Boeheim's ugly, whiney puss."

Tournament officials agreed after second ranked Villanova lost. "Not only is everyone tired of seeing Gerry McNamara beating everyone, there's scientific evidence supporting the fact the ratings go down when the audience has to look at Jim Boeheim.," said a Big East spokesperson.

Boeheim let go a string of expletives at his press conference saying "People say I'm a f^&*%$* cheatin whiner but I say f$%^'em. A lot of chicks really dig me and when I talk really tough, they get hot."

Boeheim claims, "I've been working out and had a hair transplant. I can get ratings, believe me."

SOUTH AFRICANS NEARLY MISS GAME IN WBC

Phoenix -- The South African Baseball team arrived late for their opening game in Phoenix due to a transportation error.

The team arrived on Monday at Phoenix's Sky Harbor International Airport for a transfer to Scottsdale Stadium. According to transportation officials, there was a misunderstanding as the team flag was mistaken for a transfer card. A bus was waiting to take them to Scottsdale but the team was inadvertently taken to a train station after the flight.

However, there is no train service or train stations in the vicinity of Scottsdale. The team sat in the train station for several hours chewing gum and passing around one dirty magazine.

"Being late sucks, but it beats the hell out of being in South Africa any day," said team captain and shortstop Nelson Winnie Mandela. "Things could be worse, we could be beaten as political prisoners. I spent years in prison, so a little delay at a train station ain't exactly what I call hard times."

Mandela added, "You wanna see hard times, watch our baseball team. We've never played baseball before but it was a chance to get out of South Africa and mabye get to Disney World."

A round trip ticket from Johannesburg to Phoenix costs 10,000,000,000,000 rand or $10,000,000. "With prices like that, we try to play a lot of home games," Mandela said.

SUBMITTED BY: Eric Tiltissue...thanks Erictil

NCAA PASSES NEW EMERGENCY RULE FOR TOURNEY

Indianapolis-- The NCAA rules committee met yesterday in an emergency session to vote on a new rule that will take place in this year's March tournament.

"From here on it will be a technical foul if you block a shot with a third appendage," said head referee Lance Longfellow. The rule is in response to numerous complaints that players are using their genitalia (see picture below) as part of a defensive strategy. "It's just too dangerous," added Longfellow. "When players are above the rim, someone's gonna get an eye poked out with someone else's poker."

Texas Tech coach Bobby Knight, long a proponent of the "Peckerhead" defense, said, "I say we let them play. Use any part of the body to stop the other team from scoring. The only dick we should be worried about is Myles Brand."

POLICE BUST METH LAB IN BUD SELIG'S BASEMENT

Milwaukee-- Police raided the home of MLB commissioner Bud Selig where they confiscated large quantities of methamphetamines intended for the street market.

Selig, long suspected by law enforcement as being a major player in the lucrative midwest meth trade, said, "These are just some things I take to help with my Attention Deficit Disorder."

However, police tell a different story which portrays Selig as a ruthless, cold-hearted dealer who will "stop at nothing to preserve his drug empire." An officer who wished to remain anonymous said that Selig heads a major motorcycle gang which has meth labs throughout the major U.S. markets. "This guy looks like a harmless, nebbish nerd, but in truth he's harming our youngest, most vulnerable baseball players."

Selig maintains his innocence and said that the Harley Davidson in his driveway belongs to his wife. "She likes to put the colors on and cruise with 20 or so bikers but that's not my bag."

Mrs. Bud Selig commented to Jockweb, "So what, I drive fast, live fast, and push the envelope a bit."

CHEERLEADER FALLS ON HEAD, DESTROYS SPELLING ABILITY

TENNESSEE BASKETBALL PLAYERS BUY CRACK FOR COACH

Knoxville. -- Tennessee basketball players Anthony Passley and Jordan Smith were charged with possession of crack cocaine and suspended indefinitely from the team but head coach, Bruce Pearl said it was just "all a big old misunderstanding."

Passley, a redshirt transfer, and Smith, a walk-on, were arrested early Sunday, Knoxville police spokesman Darrell DeBusk said Monday. But Pearl said the whole incident is "completely my fault."

It seems that during a pre-game pep talk Pearl screamed at the players, "Let's crack the top 25," but the players thought he said, "Let's get 25 grams of crack.".

Police officers found 15.2 grams of crack cocaine in the car and charged the pair with possession for resale, but later said, "We completely understand. These are good young fellers, who just want to play some basketball. About ten more grams would have cracked the 25 mark."

Coach Pearl said that, "I appreciate the boys listening to me and I appreciate the crack cocaine. Coach Pat Summit and I like to unwind every chance we get with the pipe."

Official University of Tennessee crack available through University concessions.

ITALY WINS IN WBC AFTER LONG DELAYS

Italy won it's opening round game in the World Baseball Classic but only after over eight hours of lengthy delays caused by team infighting.

The Italian team, though loaded with talent, has had difficulty getting along on the field. "It's all about families and control," explained shortstop Sonny Corleone. There are several major families that control the Italian team and each family has staked out their own territory. Corleone further told Jockweb, "The Tataglia's want the outfield and a member of the Genoveses wanted to play centerfield. We had to have representatives of the seven families meet at the pitcher's mound and come to an understanding."

It was agreed that the Corleones would get the left side of the infield while the Bonnonnos got the right side. The Tataglias would get pitcher and catcher. The Gambinos got the concessions. But soon after the game began, members of several familiies began to argue about the arrangement. Several players mysteriously disappeared while several others were either shot or strangled with piano wire. Everything was sorted out by the fifth inning, and the Italians cruised to a 9-5 victory over the Russians.

Tournament officials say there aren't too many teams that can match the firepower of the Italians.

NEW 24 HOUR ALL-GOLF SATELLITE RADIO DEBUTS

New York -- Sirius Satellite Radio announced that they would now carry a 24 hour a day golf radio station.

A Sirius spokesperson told Jockweb "that you may want to call us crazy but we think there's a market for golf radio. If you think people can only enjoy being bored to shit watching it on television then wait until you hear on radio."

Sirius plans to have low speaking Englishmen narrate in low, soft comforting tones. "Our research has found that listening to people with British accents explain the drama of a two foot putt actually comforts the criminally insane," explained Dr. Dougie MacDougal from the Center for Audio Torture.

Federal authorities and military officials see the new channel has a real breakthrough in interrogation assistance. General Wesley West commented, "We just have to tell prisoners that they'll be forced to listen to golf on the radio and then we have them eating out of our hands. It's better than truth serum."

Golf radio broadcasts are said to have contributed to a national suicide trend. Experts ask that for your own safety that you don't drive and listen to Golf Radio.

TENNIS LEGEND BORG FAILS AT SWEDISH MEATBALL VENTURE

Stockholm -- Swedish tennis great Bjorn Borg will auction off five Wimbledon trophies and two of his rackets after being forced into bankruptcy as a result of a failed business venture.

Borg is said to have lost a substantial sum of money on cereal business. "Bjorn's Balls" was a breakfast cereal that fared poorly in consumer testing. "BB's" was a freezed dried product which had the taste and consistency of Swedish meatballs.

Borg said, "BB's are really tasty with milk." Unfortunately, the public hated the product and Borg lost millions in the business experiment.

He hopes to fetch a large six figure sum from his trophy auction. "I'm sure someone would love to pay a $100,000 for a Wimbledon trophy for their living room. They can even scratch my name off of it and put their own name on and call themselves the "Wimbledon Champion," Borg explained.

How about a nice bowl of "Bjorn's Balls" with milk for a hearty breakfast?

EDDIE SUTTON THROWN OUT OF FRAT PARTY

Stillwater -- Former Oklahoma State basketball coach and legend, Eddie Sutton, was thrown out of a college fraternity party on Saturday night and subsequently arrested by the campus police.

Sutton, who recently stepped down as head coach of the Cowboy basketball team, was belligerent and combative when asked to pay $10 for entry into the "all you can drink" party. The party was sponsored by the Alpha Alpha Omega fraternity. AAO is a fraternity of Christian athletes and the proceeds from the party are going to a local alcohol and drug rehabilitation center.

Witnesses say that Sutton refused to cough up the $10 cover charge and began screaming out, "Ten bucks for a keg of Natural light? Get the f#$% outta here with that bulls#$%."

Several fraternity brothers proceed to beat the daylights out of the former coaching legend. One fraternity brother said, "I never jumped a coaching legend before but I got a few good punches in."

Campus police broke up the melee and took Sutton to the local holding tank to dry out. Police chief, Bearly Able said, "It's just a routine night for old Eddie. We'll lock him up like Andy used to lock up Otis. And in the morning we'll let him go til next Saturday night."

Sutton commented that, "I don't miss coaching, got more time to garden."

YANKEES TO CELEBRATE HERITAGE THROUGH 2006 SEASON

New York -- The New York Yankees announced that they would plan several events throughout the 2006 season to celebrate the franchise's stellar history.

They will begin the season by having former manager Billy Martin throw out the first ball on opening day. Martin, who's been dead for years, will be dug up and dressed in Yankee pinstripes.

A Yankee front office spokesperson said, "He's a little more decayed than we expected but he still looks natural in pinstripes." Martin was a Yankee legend during his playing days and managed the team off and on several times while battling George Steinbrenner and alcohol.

Steinbrenner added, "We finally had to bury him cause it was the only was we could ensure his sobriety. He's really doing well since he's been in the ground. But it's going to be great to see Billy again, and have him throw the first ball out."

When asked how a dead man can throw out the first pitch, Steinbrenner remarked, "Oh, they can do some marvelous things with technology today."

Martin commented, "Death has suited me well but it's going to be fun to be back at Yankee Stadium."

FORMER PHILLIES CATCHER DARREN DAULTON PREDICTS END OF THE WORLD

Clearwater -- Former Phillies catcher and part-time metaphysical guru, Darren Daulton, has predicted that the world will come to an end.

"I'm not sure when but at some point the world will end," said Daulton. Daulton who follows carefully the ebb and flow of the ancient Mayan calendar added, "The Mayans lay all out for us. All you have to do is go to Borders and get a Mayan calendar and see for yourself. And while you're there, get an Aztec and Inca calendar too."

Daulton explained that ancient Indian civilizations were really into calendars. He explained, "The Mayans even had a swimsuit issue which ain't half bad."

As far as the end of the world coming, Daulton said, "It couldn't come too soon." The ex-major leaguer is said to be bankrupt, going through a nasty divorce, and he has been forced to sell personal items on eBay. "Try pushing a jockstrap that you wore in a '93 playoff game. It's been sitting out there for days. I tell you, things aren't good. But I've got a new book coming out. So on second thought, mabye we can push the end of the world back a few years."

According to Daulton, Mayans probably would have loved baseball. "They really liked sitting around in the hot sun being bored to death."

RATINGS SHOW LOW BLACK VIEWERS FOR OLYMPICS

New York -- The Neilsen Organization released its' ratings information on the 2006 Winter Olympics. The company announced that only three black persons watched the games during the entire Winter games.

Neilsen said that there is plus or minus 3 in their statistical calculation so that means that either no blacks watched or optimistically a maximum of 6 watched. Neilsen spokesperson Amiri Bakraka explained the findings. "We know for sure that Bryant Gumbel watched a little bit. We assume Shani Davis' mother watched him speedskate. And there was a night watchman who said he accidentally saw some of the coverage while passing a television set on his rounds."

NBC Olympic producer Bob White said, "We're going to have to do better in 2010. We're setting our goals to double our black viewers. Many would say these are not good ratings numbers but they are up 100% from the 2000 games."

Gregg Gumbel asked the question, "You mean I missed the Winter Olympics? Oh well."

REPORTER ERIC TILTISSUE IS BACK!

Ace Jockweb writer Eric Tiltissue is back from vacation. Scroll down if you want to get a good look at Eric from his vacation photos. Welcome back, all of you!

FoxNews report: Dale Earnhardt comeback to the NASCAR circuit is unlikely!
 
Daytona-- An amazing confidential report detailing Dale Eanhardt's fatal accident was released earlier today.  Earnhardt, father of NASCAR racer Dale Earnhardt Jr., could only drive an automatic.  This may have played part in his fatal 2001 accident at Daytona. Had he been able to downshift he may not have crashed into a wall and spared a fiery death. Cell phone use may have also contributed to the accident.
 
Dad couldn't drive stick. We were so embarrassed that this is one of the best-kept Earnhardt family secrets." explained Earnhardt Jr.  "Normally only chicks can't drive stick.  But I am proud to say dad never stopped to ask for directions.  That's a real man."
 
This may have to do with no right turns in NASCAR racing.
 
"Dad did always give a 110%.  He loved the world of racing, but a comeback just won't happen." Experts agree that not only is a comeback not going to happen. There goes that giving 110% thing again. Haven't we already determined that that is mathematically impossible?
Cheap women driving stick shift visual. Works though, huh?

NEW VIKINGS COACH CHILDRESS: "WHEN ARE WE GOING BOATING?"

Minneapolis -- Newly arriving Vikings head coach Brad Childress called his first official team meeting and asked, "Hey guys, when are we going boating?"

Childress was extremely disappointed when he heard the news that several Vikings players were appearing in court stemming from charges from the fall boat outing.

"Damn, Daunte promised I could steer boat with a nipple in my mouth," said the dejected Childress. " I like steering the boat and I like to have a nipple in my mouth but I've never done both at the same time," he added.

Adding to Childress' depression is the fact that all of the Minnesota lakes are frozen. Childress continued, "I'm not sure I can wait for a May thaw. The boat stuff was a big reason for me coming to the Vikings."

"I want the guys to like me, and what better way to get to know your players than boating with whores?"

DRAG RACING SEASON OPENS

New York -- Thousands descended on New York City for the opening of the Drag Racing Season. New York, which sports a huge drag population, is the virtual home of drag racing.

Thousands turned out today to see several men in drag race on the quarter mile track at Madison Square Garden. Shirley Muldowney aka, Pedro Bourbon took Pam Weston aka, Juan Valdizzio to the wire in the race of the day.

Drag races will be taking place daily for the next several weeks leading up to the huge Drag Parade, capping off the season.

The spent Muldowney getting assistance as she crosses the finish line.

TEMPLE TO NCAA: WE STINK, HOW ABOUT LETTING US SLIDE?

Philadelphia -- Temple University formally notified the NCAA asking for "some serious slack" when it comes to academic progress.

Temple will lose scholarships for poor scholastic performance by their student-athletes. New coach Al Golden said through tears, "Can't you bastards just leave us be. For chrissakes, we're the worst team in college football. Get a goddamn life already."

Golden continued, "We'll never win a game if we have to make our players go to class and do papers. I'm trying to recruit players to a 0-11 program and then I should tell them they have to go to school?"

An NCAA spokesperson admitted that he understood Golden's feelings. "It's sort of like we're saying not only are you lousy football players, you're stupid lousy football players, going to a lousy cheating University. Even though that might be the reality, we never meant it to sound that harsh."

A Temple football player said, "You can call us 0-11 but don't call me stupid.!"

CBS B-BALL ANALYST BILLY PACKER ADMITS TO FEELINGS FOR COACH K

Durham-- CBS basketball color analyst Billy Packer admitted today what many of have suspected all along, that he has abnormal feelings for Duke coach, Mike Krzyzewski.

"I can no longer live a lie," said Packer. "I've been carrying feelings towards Coach K that many would classify as unhealthy or mabye not."

For years roundball observers have criticized Packer for what has been called his "a lack of objectivity when it comes to Duke basketball." Jockweb reporter Shecky Feinstein (no relation to John) noted, "Packer is either kissing his ass or literally desires to kiss his ass. He sickens me with his Coach K doting."

Packer added, "If I'm going to have romantic feelings towards another man, I'm just glad he's in my conference, the ACC. Did I tell you about the game, I scored 4 points in 1956. Adolph Rupp was there and I had weird feelings for him too. Come to think of it, I had weird feelings for John Wooden. There's something seriously wrong with me!"

CBS released a statement saying, "We stand behind Billy Packer, just like NBC had to stand behind Marv Albert."

"I'm not acting on my feelings, I just wanted everyone to stop the speculation."

ROMANIAN SOCCER PLAYER SOLD FOR MEAT

Bucharest - The Romanian soccer club, UT Arad, sold a player for 15 kilograms of meat.

UT Arad is a second division club traded with fourth division team Regal Horia. Regal Horia gave up a bunch of steaks and chops for midfielder Marius Cioara.

UT Arad coach Ube Couseseau said, "I was in mood for big steak with peppercorns, Regal Horia have  big stash meat. Cioara, stink, we trade."

Unfortunately for Regal Horia, Cioara retired from soccer immediately following the trade. Horia coach Ude Couseseau said, "Shet, no Cioara, no steak, we stupid."

Regal Horia was forced to share one box of Keebler saltines with one jar of Skippy among the entire team. UT Arad was very excited about a grilled steak dinner. Unfortunately, someone forgot to get propane for the grill.

UT players waiting to be served dinner.

NEWS IN BRIEF:

> NEW YORK, NY - Rapper 50Cent to change his name to $4.95.  "It's inflation, man," said the enigmatic rapper.  "Sean Combs has changed his name 23 times, and I've only changed my name twice."  $4.95 had no comment when asked if her would be ripping off R. Kelly by allegedly starring in a series of erotic videos featuring 15 year old girls.

                                                        ADVERTISER:  The NUT Bra

>

CELEBRATE OLYMPIC GOLD MEDAL, FORCED TO LISTEN TO ABBA CONCERT

Stockholm -- Sweden's hockey team arrived in Stockholm to celebrate its Olympic gold medal, with a large contingent of NHL players.

"We were planning of several hours of drinking and wild orgy," said Flyers' Peter Fosberg. However the players were rather disappointed when King Gustav announced instead of a wild party, the revelers would be forced to sit through a six-hour ABBA concert.

King Gustav announced, "ABBA means Sweden. They are Sweden's biggest industry so we will honor them. Gold medals are nice but a couple of turns at 'Dancing Queen,' really builds national pride."

Swedes, known for their calmness and neutrality, stepped right in line. "We are a quiet, happy people with lots of nice, blonde women," said Mats Sundin. "We will listen to ABBA, get horny, and find a blonde. That's a celebration in my book."

ABBA still a relevant force in Sweden and at Jockweb, we're not ashamed to admit that we love, "SOS."

JOCKWEB FILMS TO RELEASE NEW INSPIRATIONAL MOVIE

 Jockweb, Inc. announced today that the debut of their latest film release. "Through the Fireplace" is Jockweb's most recent attempt at an inspirational sports film.

The movie depicts the true story of Scotty Whitby, a dime a dozen rich kid from the Hamptons, wasting away in the town's tennis and golf clubs. Scotty meets a compassionate tennis pro, Silky Hamil, who encourages him to break out of the endless cycle of wealth and privilege to pursue a win it all/lose it all gamble of professional tennis.

Scotty enrolls in a summer tennis camp in Palm Beach and enters a culture of more wealth and privilege that will either drive him to tennis greatness or force him back to his private New England prep school and polo matches.

Critics are calling it, "a provocative view into an American subculture," and "the feel good story of the year."

During the pre-screening of the film, one viewer through tears said, "How can a country like the United States allow this to happen? Kids shouldn't have to choose between country club golf or tennis."

ESPN, though will not pay us to show the film, said, "Scotty Whitby is one of the bravest kids to grace the American scene in years. His story is our story."

Jockweb hopes to distribute the film as part of its' continual mission "to bring truth and justice to the American people."

JOCKWEB BONUS GIVEN TO OUR BEST STAFFERS

Jockweb HQ -- Now that Jockweb has become one of the premier sport sites on the Web and revenue is pouring in like a leak in the levee, we thought is was time to reward our best employees with a rewards trip. We get a lot of mail from people asking, "Who are the people behind Jockweb? They must be extraordinary individuals." You can say that again because to work at Jockweb requires unparalleled extraordinariness. So to reward the folks that got us where we are, we decided to give them a trip to the sunny shores of Miami Beach. And the Jockweb staff had a ball. They immersed themselves in sun and fun and the hip nightlife of South Beach. And have returned to Jockweb HQ refreshed and ready to deliver continued high quality sports coverage. And a Jockweb staffer brought back some pictures that document the kind of trip it was.

We have no idea who the four people are who squat in the foreground, but the guy at the far right is Jockweb reporter, Eric Tiltissue.

JANET JONES KICKED OUT OF CHURCH BINGO

Los Angeles -- Janet Jones, wife of hockey great Wayne Gretzky, was forcibly removed from a church bingo game on Saturday night.

Church officials explained the Jones had "an incredible amount of cards going simultaneously and a boatload of money tied up in the game." Father Ken Hickey, pastor of Our Lady of Hollywood Boulevard, said, "We were concerned we couldn't cover her bets. It's really just a senior citizens game and we're not used to high rollers." Game organizers told Jones that they couldn't afford to have her play in their bingo game. Jones then became irritated and started throwing bingo cards and smacking old people.

Father Hickey described the scene this way, "Most of our parishioners have Alzheimer's so no one really remembered Miss Jones or her movie career. Come to think of it, I don't have Alzheimer's and I don't remember her movie career."

LAPD responded to the scene and beat Ms. Jones senseless. Husband Wayne Gretzky later commented, "I never bet in a church bingo game but I've got a pretty hot wife, eh?"

Father Hickey said he planned to meet Ms. Jones in confession and work out the forgiveness details.

MAURICE CLARETT SENTENCED TO NFL EUROPE

Columbus-- As part of a plea bargain agreement, former Ohio State running back Maurice Clarett, was sentenced to three years in NFL Europe for charges stemming from an attempted robbery last fall.

Judge Harvey Bickens explained, "The citizens of Columbus can be assured that Maurice Clarett will be off the streets and they can feel safe."

Civil liberties professionals say that the sentence is too harsh and more akin to something that would be passed down in a third world dictatorship. Citizens United Against Mean Judges spokesperson Lou Loebber said, "It would have been more humane to cut off his genitals than to send him to play for Hamburg for three years. This is something that would happen mabye in Turkey or Saudi Arabia but not here in the U.S."

A tearful and apologetic Clarett begged the court to reconsider. "I'll wash laundry for the Broncos, but please not NFL Europe," Clarett pleaded.

The judge was not swayed. He sternly said to Clarett, "The next time you think of picking up a weapon and robbing someone, mabye you'll stop and ask yourself, 'Do I want to play for Hamburg or Amsterdam? It's a lesson you're going to have to learn from, son."

Clarett and his family broke down in tears and were assisted from the courtroom. He begins workouts for Hamburg Sea Devils on Tuesday.

Hundreds of young men have been sentenced to NFL Europe. Amnesty International and Bono have teamed up "to stop the madness!"

JOCKWEB TV WATCH:

"Quite Frankly" In Heated Ratings Battle with "Green Acres"

If you haven't been paying attention to the vicious TV ratings wars, you might have missed the head to head battle going on each evening at 11pm. ESPN,desperate to boost ratings on the Stephen Smith venue, "Quite Frankly," has moved the show from the 6pm slot to the 11pm slot. However, instead of competing against network news, Smith is now battling  TV Land's "Green Acres" reruns for the top spot at 11.

Smith says, "I want to kick 'Green Acres' ass," said the usually combative Smith. "White city folk trying to farm in the country don't make me laugh the first time, never mind in reruns." However, Oliver and Lisa Douglass can still grab an audience. TV Land spokesperson, Frank Drucker explained, "America has a lot of loud mouth sports columnists but there's only one Douglass family. And I'll put Ebb and Mr. Haney up against Stephen S, seven days a week and win all seven."

ESPN released a statement saying if Smith can't gain some ground on 60's show, he may be "headed for Hooterville himself." Or as Lisa Douglass says, "Hoostervile."

BODE, "No Excuses But There Was No Snow"

Turin-- In a last ditch effort to save face, Bode Miller spoke with reporters and explained, "I think I would have done better on snow."

Miller shown struggling to maintain 3rd place.

Miller claims that had there been snow, he would have won at least a bronze medal. "You guys have been a little rough on me," Miller said. "Ok, I'm a bit of a pretentious asshole with all my laid back Bode-isms, and true, I schnookered Nike out of about 3 million, but I'm a skier and skiers have to have snow." Miller even went as far as saying there was a conspiracy against him. "Other races seemed to have snow but not mine. Mabye I was drunk or high but I swear I was on straight asphalt."

JUST IN: NIKE TO MARKET SHROUD OF TURIN

Turin -- Athletic apparel giant, Nike Inc., coming off a disappointing Winter Olympics, announced today that they will leave Turin with the famous "Shroud."

"We think it's gonna look great on sweatshirts and t's with the Nike swoosh," said marketing director Realie Divine. "We think it could be a bigger seller than our Air Jordan line, bacause if you want to sky, what better person to have on your clothing than J.C."

In pre-market focus groups, kids reacted enthusiastically to the "Shroud" line though 92% of the participants identified that shroud image as Bode Miller with a beard. Divine added, "We're going to replace the Bode campaign with the Jesus campaign. Bode had all these stupid Bode-isms that just weren't getting across but there's thousands of good Jesus-isms, like 'Blessed are the peacemakers who can shoot the 3-ball.' "

Air Shroud products will be hitting the stores in early spring.

RICKY WILLIAMS TO MARIJUANA: "You had me at hello!"

Miami -- There was good new and bad news for the Miami Dolphins today. The bad news is that running back Ricky Williams failed his fourth drug test and may be banned for life from the NFL.

Ricky asked, "Which would you rather do, smoke reefer while listening to Jimi Hendrix oldies or run into the left side of the Steeler defense? But I didn't smoke anything this time, I swear to Vishnu. All I had the day before the test were some brownies at Nick Saban's house."

Saban admitted that he gave Williams the pot-laced brownies. "The wife and I like to whip up some brownies with just a sprinkle of the herb, just to take the edge off. I'm entirely responsible so please don't take Ricky away from me."

Where's the good news? Ricky got an A+ in Advanced Chanting at Ayurveda University. "If they had a football team, I probably would have went here for undergraduate," Williams said as he held up his report card. "You see Ricky's a great student," said Saban and again he implored, "please don't take Ricky away from me."

Williams exhaled a large puff of smoke, giggled, and chanted an A+, "OMMMMMM!"

We ask the question, "Ayurveda" or "Steeler Defense?" We know where we're headed for summer camp.

LATEST JOCKWEB SPORTS RESEARCH

"Pole vaulting is dangerous activity for obese"

Researchers from the Jockweb Institute for Sports Research released the findings of a five-year study that reveals that people suffering from obesity shouldn't pole vault.

Dr. Heimlich Mannuvor* said that the study looked at a random sample of 100 people over 350 pounds. Each person was given a pole and asked to vault over a bar set at 16'9". Dr. Mannuvor explained that no one could vault over the bar. And, he said, "We broke a shitload of poles." Dr. Mannuvor concluded that pole vaulting is probably not a good idea if you weigh over 350 lbs. You see, when you're really heavy, you are difficult to pick up. And those poor poles, even though they are made of high tech materials, you want a miracle?"

*Please note that Dr. Mannuvor is not a real doctor. He has one of those manufactured diplomas like they use in big-time college football programs to lie and cheat. The results of this study are not conclusive so if you are obese, feel free to go for the 16'9" height.

BIATHLETES FEEL LEFT OUT

Turin -- Gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgendered activists say that the Olympic committee has not gone far enough to accommodate the GLBT community.

Les Moore said that she believed, "one event for people with different sexual preferences is not enough. It's the same old story," she continued, "they put all of us out in the country give us a set of skis and a gun and tell us it's an inclusive Olympics. We'd like more events for bi's. Let's push that envelope for those who like it both ways."

Olympic organizers say that they plan to add more events for bi's but "don't want to feel pressured by any political group." IOC spokesperson Luigi Parfonotto said, "Giving a bunch of bi's guns and skis is a big step forward. Mabye we can have bi-bobsledding or bi-speed skating in the future but I'm proud of our record on bi's. And what about Johnny Weir? He had fun at the Olympics."

Moore concluded by saying that, "I look forward to the day when there are thousands of Johnny Weirs skating, skiing, and sledding. That would be heaven."

Bi-athletes say that "it's fun to ski and shoot but we want more."

NO SEX SCANDALS IN CURLING

Torino -- There have been no reported sex scandals involving curling participants in this year's Winter Olympics.

Longtime curling observer, Frank Fender said, "Amazingly there have been no sex scandals coming out of Torino." Curling has long had the reputation of being a dull pastime while having a decadent underbelly.

"Male curlers, in particular, normally have insatiable sexual appetites that can't seem to be satisfied," explained Fender. "After chasing a rock with a broom for a couple of hours, you're ready to kick back, down a few brews and chase some tail," he added.

Olympic organizers are breathing a sigh of relief. With trouble finding and maintaining viewers, the last thing anyone wanted was a curling sex scandal. Organizers say they will cross their fingers and "just hope that we can get to the end of the games without some crazy curler starting some monkey business."

Two USA curlers on the prowl. Look at the guy on the left, he's eyeing something!

PSYCHIC JOHN EDWARD CONTACTS MISSING SHOW DOG

New York --Psychic John Edward has been brought to the scene of the missing prized show dog champion, Bohem C'est La Vie.
 

The dog escaped from his cage several days ago in John F. Kennedy International Airport. Vivi, the dog's nickname, disappeared into a marsh area.

Twelve psychic counselors were brought in to help locate the dog but all of them gave vague, stupid remarks, like, "she's present, I feel her, she's somewhere in the New York area, I know she's definitely didn't get on the  8:18 plane to Saudi Arabia."

Authorities decided to bring in the big gun, John Edward. Edward immediately located some fresh dog droppings and was able to initiate a psychic conversation with the dog.

Jockweb was able to obtain a brief transcript of that conversation:

John Edward: Where the hell are you?

Vivi: On the other side.

John Edward: The other side of what? Would that be like dog heaven?

Vivi: Must be. There are 72 virgins and they're dogs.

John Edward: So you're having a good time?

Vivi: No, they're really ugly. I did better when I was alive, just humping an occasional leg.

Brewers Sign Head of Ted Williams

MILWAUKEE, WI - Milwaukee Brewers Assistant PR Manager Chesty McFadden announced yesterday that they have signed the head of former Red Sox great Ted Williams, to a long term contract.  Although as a frozen head, Williams is unable to participate in MLB action this year or probably next, the Brewers believe his time may come.  "We wanted to make sure we had our bases covered," said McFadden.

"We're very excited about this," McFadden told Jockweb by phone.  "The time will come sometime in the future when Ted's head can be grafted onto a young, athletic body...and now we've got him under contract."

Term of the contract were not disclosed, but McFadden stated that the contract covered a long period of time at a relatively low amount. 
 

The Brewers said they'll keep the frozen Williams in their locker room indefinitely.

LARRY BROWN TALKED OUT OF JUMPING FROM BUILDING

New York -- New York Knicks coach Larry Brown didn't take the trade news well, which brought Steve Francis to the Knicks from the Orlando Magic.

Shortly after learning the Isiah Thomas traded for problem child Francis, Brown took to the roof of the Empire State Building. "Two selfish guards? No room under the salary cap? Don't try to talk me out of it, I'm jumping!," Brown shouted to rescue workers.

The anxious crowd below when learning it was Brown, chanted in unison, "Jump Larry Jump." Fortunately, several NBA owners were present, and Brown received several offers to leave the Knicks for greener pastures. Brown came in from the ledge and was said to be taking seriously an offer from the "Atlanta Hawks for a  GM/Coach job." Brown added, "I can win in Atlanta!"

In other Knicks news, GM Thomas groped a hot dog vendor in front of Madison Square Garden.

Brown is a very short guy. You won't be able to see him in this picture. But he turned the whole thing into a 8 million dollar raise.

Cohen with Jimmy Carter looking on, says, "I want to fight again!"

YAO MING, GEORGE MURESAN FIGHT OVER BIG GIRL

Houston -- Houston Rockets center Yao Ming and former NBA player George Muresan got in a scuffle over the weekend in a local bar when they both spotted 7'4" woman.

Yao spotted her first, walked over, and said in Chinese, "Hey baby it's quarter to eight how about you and me percolate?" (a rough translation) Muresan, who has been looking for a big girl for years, became enraged and challenged Yao to a one-on-one duel.

Yao laughed and again said in Chinese, "Come on Georges, you have big nose and no girl want to have sex with big tall ugly guy who never score points." Mursan dumped a beer on Yao head and screamed in a Slavic language, "I don't like eggroll you overgrown commie!" (again rough translation)

The two rolled into the street, punching and kicking until the big girl said, "Enough, I'll have you both!" At that point both men shook hands and the whole incident was forgotten. We will continue to follow this story as it unfolds.

"YAOWZA," was all the Muresan could say. Yao Ming agreed that sharing would be a good idea. "In my heart I am a communist."

McENROE WINS TOURNEY, TATEM O'NEAL SAYS, "You're still an a-hole!"

San Jose-- Tennis legend John McEnroe scored his first tennis victory in 14 years winning the doubles at the SAP Open. Tennis experts say McEnroe enlivened a dying sport with his victory.

"Take away Kornakova and Shrapova's breasts, and there's not much to cheer about in professional tennis," said longtime tennis announcer Whitey Shorts.

McEnroe said he may use this tournament to re-enter the competitive tennis world. "I've struck out doing my late night talk show, and people don't seem to take to me, so why not keep playing tennis?" McEnroe asked, "Has anyone read my book where I trashed my ex-wife Tatum O'Neal? I think that sold about 8 copies."

O'Neal, high on crack, stopped momentarily making out with another woman in a New York bar, to say, "I'm glad the bastard beat someone other than me. Wasn't I something in 'Bad News Bears'? How could he leave me for Patti Smyth?  She doesn't shave her armpits."

"I oughta sic my brother Shaquille on him, then he wouldn't write about me anymore," said O'Neal in between tokes.

VLADE DIVAC SUITS UP FOR SERBIAN ARMY

(reported by Slovamin Mishlovavic)

Serbia-Montenegro -- Vlade Divac come home. He fight in army. Vlade big. Put Vlade in front everybody. Enemy shooz at Vlade. Other soldiers hide behin Vlade. Good idea. Vlade make good army. Other army say, hey that big guy. He very big. Where you get him? We say he Vlade. They say Vlade from Lakers? We say yea. They say, we get autograph? We say stop shoozhing at us. They say we stop shoozing we get Vlade autograph. We say ok. They stop shoozing. They put down gun come get Vlade to sign ball. We shooz them bang. Vlade good army.

"We no losem with Vlade on side."

EX-MLB PLAYER BELLE MONITORS GIRLFRIEND, CUTS DEAL WITH ON-STAR

Phoenix -- Former slugger Albert Belle tracked his ex-girlfriend with a GPS device and repeatedly threaten her, according to police. The ex-girlfriend is filing stalking charges. The unidentified woman told investigators that for several months, Belle shows up "everywhere I go." Supposedly Belle put a tracking device somewhere in the woman's possessions and was able to follow her wherever she traveled.

Later Belle got the idea, "Why not put a tracking device right in a pair of breast implants?" So Belle has entered into an agreement with GPS industry leader, On-Star, to produce a new line of silicone implants with a tracking device built right in. On-Star spokesperson Wally Glandville explained, "This is a great synergy between Albert and On-Star. Men can now treat their women to enlarged breasts and keep track of their every move. And after a new set of implants you better keep an eye on that special girl."

Belle, who hit 381 career home runs, said, "Man, I'm some kind of inventor, like Thomas Edison or Ben Franklin. Belle calls his invention, "On-Boob." "On-Boob is gonna make me a lot of money. Everyone's gonna get a pair. Women are gonna look fine and the men, they gonna know where their lady is. And they're so easy to install. Mabye I oughta call em On-Boobs cause there's two. What do you think?"

Belle holding his new invention, "You can have'em installed at any GM dealer."

NBA to Enforce Mandatory Skid-Stain Inspection by Officials

HOUSTON, TX - The NBA announced today a new "Skid-Stain" policy that will become mandatory after the All-Star break.

Commissioner David Stern was emphatic saying, "We're getting tough on skid stains. Our fans pay a lot of money to come to games and if they have to look at underwear stains bleeding through the uniform, it's plain disgusting."

Referee Getty Bleech said, "It's a health issue and I'm glad the league is taking a stance." Players will be given one warning to go in the locker room and change shorts. If they don't comply, it is an automatic ejection, a two shot technical and loss of possession.

An unidentified player who wished to remain anonymous said, "It's too strict. There's no room for compromise? Come on, we've all got a little skid that there no matter what we do."
 

Fans stare in disbelief as a player is forced through a "skid inspection."

LOST BOY CLAIMS, "I AM DON KING'S LOVE CHILD!"

New York -- A 21 year old man came forward today claiming that he was the love child of Don and Billie Jean King.

Nosmo King of Queens who was raised in an orphanage wants to be reunited with his real parents. "I'm not trying to extort money from them or anything, it's all about the love. I want to have a relationship with my real parents."

Boxing promoter Don King did admit that there is a possibility that the younger King could be telling the truth. "I admit, I was intimate with Billie Jean King, way before she was a lesbian. Hey, man, you don't think she became a lesbian cause of me?" "But," he continued, "I have a beautiful son and we're gonna get to know each other and rip off a lot of people together."

Billie Jean King, also admitted that Don King and her did have a torrid affair years ago and that yes, she did get pregnant. "It was a difficult time in my life and Don was there for me. Unfortunately, I grew tired of his hair. And now, I'm a lesbian." "But," she continued, "I have a beautiful son and he has two mothers and Don King as a father. Wow, do you think he'll be alright, you know psychologically?"

Nosmo King smiled and said, "One day I don't know who I am and the next day, I'm in this really f%^^&ed up dysfunctional situation. I'm just sooo happy. And I'm hoping to get a little cash from them."

The Re-United King Family: Nosmo, Don, and Billie Jean

YANKEE MANAGER TO RECEIVE SECOND FACE TRANSPLANT

Paris -- New York Yankee manager Joe Torre arrived in Paris yesterday to receive the world's second attempted face transplant.

Torre, who personally feels his face is fine, is being forced to have the operation by Yankee owner George Steinbrenner. Steinbrenner said, "Besides needing it, I'm sick of looking at him. He doesn't have the look I want for a Yankee ball club. I don't want ugly people working for me and Joe's damn ugly."

The surgery will be performed by Dr. Guy (heavy French accent) and he said the challenge will be to make Torre look like Tony LaRussa. "We found a couple of donor faces. One looks like Tony LaRussa and the other looks like Terry Francona. Mr. Steinbrenner likes Mr. LaRussa's look so that's what we're going for," said the surgeon.

The operation will cost a sizeable sum of money and Steinbrenner plans to sell off "a couple of those underweight ex-steroid users. We've got a few guys off the juice that can't get the ball back to the pitcher. They're toast."

Torre commented, "Hey, I didn't know that the French could cook. Wow, I wish I had this transplant earlier."

MORE "SKATING WITH THE STARS": Nancy Kerrigan Throws Tantrum

San Bernadino --American can't seem to get enough of the reality show, "Skating with the Stars." After Paul Reubens (aka Pee Wee Herman) was prematurely voted off the show, Olympic champion, Nancy Kerrigan was voted off. Kerrigan, incensed, lost emotion control and struck contestant Jeff Gilhooley in the leg with a lead pipe.

Some readers may remember Gilhooley as the former boyfriend of figure skater, Tonya Harding. Gilhooley said holding his swollen leg, "I think I skated a great program tonight and it was really nice of Tonya to lend me some of her old outfits. Wearing female skating tights was very liberating."

Show producer Omar Thurman said that he was "very grateful for having Nancy on the show. Millions of viewers rejoiced at her loss. She really sucks and I hate her but does she boost ratings or what?"

Kerrigan, who was handcuffed and lead away with police, stopped signed a few autographs for needy juvenile figure skaters. She commented, "It's all about the kids and being a role model."

Geraldo Rivera did not cover the Kerrigan event but did say he had a great interview with Paul Reubens. "He's a fascinating talent but it was really dark in the closet."

Paul Reubens Eliminated from Skating with the Stars after Groin Pull

San Bernadino, CA - Actor and TV personality Paul Reubens, best known for his character PeeWee Herman, was eliminated from preliminary rounds of ABC's "Skating with the Stars," after pulling his groin back stage. 

Producers described the incident as 'most unfortunate' and were sorry to have to let Reubens go. Reubens had intended to use the skating venue as a launching pad for his new line of easy access trench coats.

Reubens partner, actor Hugh Grant said, "It's great loss to the show and to me personally. PeeWee and I put a great deal of time in this together. From the very beginning we had a chemistry unlike anyone else in the competition. You get very close to someone preparing for a skating competition."

Reubens visibly upset, recovered and did manage to speak with reporters. "I just want to be left alone in a dark room, and then I'll recover from all of this."

Reubens insisted, "I've faced bigger comeback challenges than this. I'll be back on top."

PEYTON MANNING TRIES TO BUY WIFE BACK FOR VALENTINE'S DAY

In December, Mrs. Manning reacts to Peyton's announcement on the Jumbo-tron, "Honey, I want a divorce!" Manning now says, "I was kidding!"

Indianapolis -- Indianapolis Colts quarterback spent Valentine's Day trying to convince his wife to come back home. Earlier in December, Manning was riding high on a winning streak and was said to be tiring of being married. He even contemplated divorce. But after another early exit from the playoffs, he's now singing a different tune.

"It was a joke," Manning explained. "Come on, I'm like a four time loser now, who's gonna wanna shack up with ole Peyton?" Manning lavished his wife with expensive perfume, jewelry, and flowers and begged for her to come back home. "Damn, I'm lonely," said the dejected Manning. "I don't have friend in Indianapolis, though the folks in Pittsburgh seem to like me. Even Archie ain't talkin to me," Manning sobbed. "And he always liked me better than Eli."

Mrs. Manning was considering returning home but she added, "I might go home cause you got to remember, he's got a lot of money. But I don't want to be seen in public with him, that would be just plain dumb."

Yoko explained, "I can't speed skate but I like to wear nifty speed skater glasses. I can't sing either but I make got rhymes like, oh no, my cousin Ohno, is a yo yo."

THE DUCE IS LOOSE AND SO IS HIS BLING

Colombia -- Pittsburgh Steelers running back is about $100,000 lighter today as a result of a jewelry theft in a South Carolina strip club.

"I was evangelizing," said the upset Staley. "I was bringing the Lord to the ladies and they were bringing heaven to me." Staley realized at the end of a lap dance that he was short a few earrings and some chains.

Police responded to the call of a theft but we're baffled on how to proceed. Richland County Sheriff's Office said, "We were gonna strip search everyone but then we realized, well, everyone was already stripped. That missing jewelry could be anywhere, if you know what I'm saying?"

Staley became agitated by the inaction of the police. "I'm telling you, you get a flashlight and you go looking, if you know what I mean. A pair of hundred thousand dollar diamonds could be hidden in some dark place, and if the police ain't gonna look, I will...and I ain't givin a tip for searching, if you know what I mean."

No charges have been filed but police say thousands have descended on Colombia to help with the search. Sheriff Will Tickle said, "We're gonna go over every knook and cranny of the strippers."

Can I write off a $100,000 lap dance?" Staley asked.

SASHA COHEN DOES NOT PULL A GROIN MUSCLE

Turin or Torino (which one is it? you decide) -- Figure skater Sasha Cohen did NOT pull a groin muscle figure skating. Experts at Jockweb are baffled. We have pulled groin muscles starting a kitchen blender and for the life of us, we can't figure out how she does it. BUT Shasha we salute you. IF we could do this, we'd be in movies. Congratulations on receiving this year's JOCKWEB WOMAN OF THE YEAR! And it's only February.

There's no razor stubble on that leg!

CRITICS: "NCAA WRESTLING MAY HAVE GONE TOO FAR!"

Bloomington -- NCAA President Myles Brand admitted today that "it may not have been prudent to turn collegiate wrestling over to wrestling promoter Vince McMahon."

"I know it's a little early to tell but we've got some complaints from parents about their college age children being involved in wrestling," said Brand. Jockweb reported several days ago that the NCAA wanted to "cash in" on professional wrestling's popularity and therefore employed McMahon to "spice it up a bit to expand our fan base."

After the first weekend under the new format, several schools reported mixed reviews. The University of Iowa's match against state rival Iowa State took place in a cage and several wrestlers had to be taken to the hospital after they were hit over the head with metal folding chairs. McMahon added, "It's gonna take awhile to teach the kids that wrestling is a lot like acting. Until they get comfortable with fake violence, you're gonna have some casualties."

Some parents (mothers in general)  were upset with the blatant sexploitation of female wrestlers. One mother asked, " Women tying up other women, smacking each other while wearing little clothing, this is sport?" Brand did respond, "Absolutely, and it's even crazier on Pay Per View."

Two Iowa wrestlers going at it, in the new reformatted collegiate wrestling. "Is this sport?" Looks like someone trying to score.

OLYMPIC COMMITTEE CONFESSION:  "Most of this Crap isn't Really Sports"

TORINO, ITALY - Langued Stachis, Vice President of the International Olympic Committee had the unpleasant task of facing the media after the IOC confessed that the vast majority of the Winter Games were simply folly for television.

"We admit it," said Stachis. "Anything that needs to be judged is not really a sport." Stachis is referring to games ranging from snowboarding to figure skating. "How can anyone objectively judge whether one person jumps better than another?" Stachis  asked. "Unless someone falls on their ass, who is to know?" "But," he added, "it is a lot of fun to give someone bad scores and watch them cry. Ooooh the power one feels."

Stachis commented that although the Olympic Committee admits that figure skating is as much a sport as ballroom dancing," we will never drop it from our agenda. Men like to crank one out to our figure skaters. Llook at the article about Bob Dole calling us 'gay' and you'll see. We enjoy the ratings of both horny gay and straight men."

As an example, Stachis said, "Let's give this guy a 9.5 just for creativity."

Bob Dole Calls Winter Olympics 'Kinda Gay'

WASHINGTON, DC - All that Bob Dole sees is a bunch of men in tights flying down a hill or skating across a small rink, "...Kinda gay," if you ask Bob Dole. Senator Dole is not alone in his feelings about the Winter Olympics. Nearly two-thirds of those who were asked about their feelings on the Winter games in Torino, and winter games in general, responded, "that they felt that the games were somewhere between 'When Harry Met Sally' gay and all out 'Brokeback Mountain' gay."

"It's a lot like watching 'Queer Eye for the Straight Sports Fan' if you ask me", said Baltimore native Richard Thorndike.  "I mean, most of the figure skaters are nice to look at, but their moving around so much, and the boobies are covered so tightly, I can hardly get a good crank going. But that doesn't mean I won't try. Some of them young girls are shur perty." Thorndike added that often a good episode of Gilmore Girls served his purpose better.

"Bob Dole's got better things to do, like watch grass grow in the winter time or see G.W. try to come up with a coherent thought. Who the hell voted for him, anyway?  Not Bob Dole."
Dole commented, "You think I fought in WWII to come home and watch this shit pass for sport? Let's see some Cubans beating the piss outta each other. Now we're talking sport."

KWAN GIVES UP OLYMPIC HOPE FOR GOLD TO UNGRATEFUL BITCH

NEW YORK, NY - A sad Michelle Kwan tearfully announced to the media corps in Torino that a badly strained groin would keep her from competing in the 2006 Olympic games.  That's when the fun started.  Emily Hughes, the first alternate to the US Women's Figure Skating Team was called to replace Kwan. Within an hour, Hughes was being contacted for national and local interviews.  

Hughes comments ranged from "...I'm very excited" to "...this is a once in a lifetime opportunity". But no where, at no time, did she mention Kwan's withdraw as her reason for being present.

"That selfish bitch!" declared Kwan from her hotel room in Italy. "Do you think she could have thanked me, or anyone for that matter?" Kwan had just finished watching an interview on NBC's Today Show when she reacted. "That little ^%$# gets placed on 3rd base and thinks she hit a triple." Kwan added, "If that little ^%#$ keeps referring to this as 'good news', I'm going to Tonya Harding her ass." Kwan was clearly disturbed by the fact that in every interview, Hughes would only speak of herself in glowing terms and refused to acknowledge that she got there based on injury to a better skater.

When asked for a reaction, Hughes said she was going to try to emulate big sister Sarah Hughes and added "Who is Michelle Kwan?  Is she the old one?"  Hughes did not seem to have sympathy for the fact that Kwan, now 25, will probably never win an Olympic gold medal.  "I thought she won a gold medal in 1992?" Hughes asked.  When it was pointed out that Kristi Yamaguchi won the gold in 1992, Hughes retorted, "You mean they aren't the same person?  wow, they look alike..."
 

We couldn't find Michelle Kwan in this picture but we think the girl, second from the right, has a pulled groin.

VICE PRESIDENT SHOOTS HUNTING COMPANION

Corpus Christi -- Vice President Dick Cheney shot 78 year-old Harry Whittington in the face in what is being called a "hunting accident."

Cheney has a reputation as being a "bad shot" and witnesses say it's amazing he hasn't shot more people. "It was just a matter of time until Dick Cheney shot someone, " said fellow hunter Hubie Frizzel. "When he heard we were going after quail, he thought we meant Dan Quayle and he just started shooting at anyone remotely looking like the former Vice President," explained Frizzel.

The shooting was not reported for at least twenty four hours sparking Ted Kennedy to call for an investigation. Kennedy said in a press conference, "I'm gonna break his balls about this 24 hour thing. Just sort of as a joke. But seriously it would have been great if he shot Dan Quayle."

Former President George Bush Sr. commented, "Dick Cheney is a walking time bomb. He could shoot anyone at anytime. He's that kind of sick individual. But it would have been nice if he had shot Dan Quayle."

Former VP Quayle was reached for comment and he politely put down a copy of "Curious George Goes To The Circus," and said, "What a waste it is to lose one's mind . Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true is that?" Moments later, Dan Quayle was shot by Mrs. Dan Quayle.

"Republicans understand the impotence of bondage between a mother and child, " Quayle said right before his wife shot him.
 

JOCKWEB READERS RESPOND: "HOW CAN WE HELP?"

Jocktown -- Millions upon millions of our readers responded to our recent story about Johnny Weir's congenital condition, "Princessy." Readers wrote emails, called our switchboard, stopped us on the street with pleas of "What can we do to help?"

So Jockweb has teamed up with telethon legend, Jerry Lewis, to find a cure and stop "Princessy" in our lifetime. Lewis said, "I can't sleep at night knowing that people have to get up everyday and suffer through 'Princessy.' As someone in the public eye, who is respected and revered by all, I have an obligation to get involved," Lewis explained.

Starting today Jockweb and Jerry Lewis are partners in raising the necessary research money to fight "Princessy." Jockweb spokesperson Floyd Fabber told reporters, "We know that people out there are compassionate and generous and we don't care if they give a penny or one million dollars, as long as we stare 'Princessy' in the face and say 'You're not going to hurt one more person."

Soon you will be seeing in supermarkets and convenience stores, plastic jars with a picture of Johnny Weir. Stop, think, and reach down and give that spare change. Ask yourself, "Would I want to walk in Johnny Weir shoes or skate in his skates for a minute?" Be generous and feel good about yourself because you are part of a movement. Yes, we can move mountains together.

And coming to television will be the Jockweb Princessy Telethon. We hope you'll consider making a pledge. The telethon is going to be something special. Jerry will be hosting a parade of stars including Vanna and Slappy White. Sammy Davis Jr., Frank Sinatra, and Dino himself, plan on coming back from the dead because we're THAT serious about fighting "Princessy."

You can send us a credit card number or you can call our operators right now. Whatever you do, don't think that the other guy will take care of your responsibility. It's up to all of us to help Johnny Weir and everyone else affected by "Princessy."

Comic legend Jerry Lewis said, "I'm sick of giving up every Labor Day weekend for that other telethon."

NCAA HIRES VINCE McMAHON TO SPRUCE UP COLLEGE WRESTLING

Bloomington -- The NCAA has entered into negotiations with wrestling promoter Vince McMahon to spur more interest in collegiate wrestling.

NCAA President Myles Brand explained the organization's thinking. "Football and basketball are revenue producers but the only people that come to collegiate wrestling matches are the parents of the wrestlers and an occasional fan who likes to watch guys wrassle in tight outfits." Brand continued by saying, "Mr. McMahon has proven himself as a good marketeer and we want some of that action."

The NCAA thinks that collegiate wrestling can promote a few good names and is a short while fill up major arenas. Brand added, "It kills me when I go to see professional wrestling and think how many screaming fans they get compared to us."

McMahon said that he, "embraces the idea to put wrestling on college campuses. It's a natural, wrestling and higher education. We mutually about the money!"

Two wrestlers from the newly formed Princeton and University of Pennsylvania programs.

CHURCH BANS LUGE, "JUST IN CASE!"

Southway -- The Reverend Felix Undershidt of the Church of the Assembly of Brethern and Brotherhood for Earlier and Latter Day Saints, issued an edict for his congregation yesterday forbidding the participation or witnessing of same sex double luge-ing.

"It doesn't even look harmless," said the excited Undershidt from the pulpit. "Man on top of man going downhill, how much easier do we want to make it for the Devil?" The pastor added, "I'm not saying that people who want to luge have sin on their minds when they begin, but I think that it's best to cut off the hand of temptation before it can do its' work."

Parishioner Harvey Hemphill weighed in with his opinion, "It just not a natural act. It's violating some commandment. I ain't sure which one, but I don't think God intended for two men to luge."

Luge enthusiasts rejected Undershidt condemnation as another attempt to put luge-ing back in the closet. "We've spent years creating awareness that we're just like regular people," said luge enthusiast Hans Berkle. "We have jobs, families, and we just want to be treated like everyone else. We're not going back to the days where we have to luge on secret mountains."

Several states are considering legislation to recognize same sex luge-ing but politicians are aware that mainstreaming the practice may have career ending implications. Massachusettes Senator Edward Kennedy explained, "Our forefathers intended that all men, particularly those with unusual tastes, be allowed to freely express themselves without fear of recrimination and mabye even have a chance at a medal."

We say if you want to go down an icy hill at 90 mph laying face up with another man on top of you, go for it.

JOCKWEB: WE TURNED ONE

Jockweb turned one year old today. That may not sound like much but in this rapid, moving high tech, instantaneous world, one year is a friggin lifetime. And considering that we are inflicted with short attention spans and a complete lack of motivation to do anything meaningful with our lives, this could be our crowning achievement. Our families, friends, and acquaintances universally agreed that we'd never amount to anything and we say after one year, "You're absolutely right!"

To celebrate our incredible mediocrity, we'd like to have some sort of give away for you, our loyal readers. Just a few weeks ago we bid on a William Shatner's kidney stone on eBay but we couldn't quite afford the final bid of $22,589. We thought someone out there would appreciate the passed calcium deposits of the Star Trek legend but we're sad to say that we couldn't compete.

However, we were able to score some lint from Pamela Anderson's navel. So in honor of you our Jockweb faithful, we will be giving away a fistful of Pam's navel lint to the reader who submits the best sports article in 2006.  So to be eligible for this one of a kind prize, submit a short piece to Jockweb. We'll print your submission and put you in the drawing for this one pound lintball that we actually collected ourselves. But that's another story

TERRI HATCHER A NO-SHOW AT JOCKWEB ANNIVERSARY PARTY

Jocktown -- "Desperate Housewives" starlet Terri Hatcher showed up at Grammy Awards in a see-thru dress. This in itself, though not sports related, is deserving of its' own headline in our our superficial celebrity driven culture.

After the Grammy show, Ms. Hatcher was personally issued an invitation to the 1st Annual, "Wear Something See-Thru To Celebrate Jockweb" event. Invitations were also extended to Sharon Stone, Sandra Bullock, Jenny McCarthy, Charlize Theron and at least 5,000 other attractive celebrities. Neither Ms. Hatcher nor the other invited women showed up.

The one uninvited attendee who did show up with see-thru dress was Roseanne Barr. The event was immediately cancelled. Several witnesses were treated at a local hospital.

We will try again, next year, at the 2nd annual "Wear Something See-Thru To Celebrate Jockweb" event.

DOCTOR SAYS WEIR'S CONDITION MAY WORSEN

Turin -- A medical researcher said yesterday that Johnny Weir's diagnosis is a serious genetic illness and symptoms may worsen with time.

"He's an ticking time bomb that can go off at any minute," say Dr. Frederick Gobbels. "Just being out there trying to skate everyday with 'Princessy,' requires great courage. He's a role model for the rest of us."

Weir only recently found out he had "Princessy," a disease that effects 1 in 1,000,000. Gobbels said, "We don't know much about it only that patients suffer extreme pain just having to do little everyday things that the rest of us take for granted. Just carrying a piece of luggage up a flight of stairs can bring extreme pain."

Weir told reporters that "I've been Princessy all my life and I've just had to deal with it. I'm here to win a gold medal and show the kids out there, that no matter what your handicap, you can go after your goals with a little guts."

Harris Wrecht, a close friend of Weirs and former Village People stage hand said, "Johnny's my inspiration. To witness his courage each and every day just gives me goosebumps. Just like "YMCA." Whenever I hear that, I get goosebumps too."

Weir said that after his skating career is over, "I'm going to dedicate my life to finding a cure for Princessy."

RIOTS BREAK OUT IN SEATTLE OVER SUPER BOWL INSULT

Seattle -- Enraged Seattle Seahawks fans took to the streets in anger over a perceived insult from the city of Pittsburgh.

The angry mob was enraged over a cartoon that appeared in the Pittsburgh Gazette showing Jerome Bettis standing in a macho, victorious pose over an injured Koren Robinson.

"He's not even on the team anymore," said incensed fan Wally Witten as he prepared a molotov cocktail. "This is a great insult to Seahawks and to Seattles all over the world. We call on all Seattles to go crazy and kill anyone they feel like. Just make sure that no one fights back or you can get hurt going crazy."

Seahawks players, fans, and well-wishers have taken to the streets following Witten's plea. The expanding mob wandered through the town looking to burn the Pittsburgh embassy in Washington state. After finding out there was no Pittsburgh embassy in Washington state, everyone retired to local bar, got wasted and posed for "Ben Rothlisberger" look alike photos.

"Wow," said one fan, "five shots of Jack and I look like an NFL star."

JOCKWEB EDITOR GETS POLITICAL JUST FOR A MOMENT:

As an organizational policy, Jockweb normally refrains from discussing politics or religion. The staff of Jockweb is neither intelligent or politically astute. Any effort by us to comment on the international or national political scene would just embarrass ourselves. However, once in a blue moon, we actually come up with some nifty solutions to world problems that, if implemented, might possibly bring world peace. In that spirit here's our solution to all this Middle Eastern stuff.

How we think we can end terrorism:  First everyone in the United States converts to Islam! Everyone, that includes David Brenner.  Then the  radicals will have no problem with us being invading their countries. "Hey, they look just like us, nice guys these Americans...great we can stop blowing ourselves up." And then what happens? The price of gas will go down. Seriously, how committed are you to Christianity or any other religion, really?  You know that whole story was made up, right? And think of $1.09 per gallon!
 

RAPTOR WIFE SUES MCDONALDS

Toronto -- The wife of Toronto Raptors forward Antonio Davis filed legal papers against the McDonald's Corporation today for failing to give significant warning to consumers that "hot coffee is extremely hot and should not be thrown at anyone."

Kendra Davis, who has of late, been in the middle of several controversies, recently threw a cup of hot coffee on someone during an argument.

"She gets in a lot of fights, don't she?" quipped husband Antonio. "Every damn game she comes to, I got go in the stands and break it up."

Ms. Davis said, "McDonalds should have a warning on the cup saying that it is extremely dangerous to throw hot coffee on someone." Davis added, "If there was a warning on the cup, I would have never thrown it. McDonalds doesn't care about anything but selling more hot coffee that can hurt people."

A spokesperson for McDonalds refused to comment on the case but did say, "That women seems to get in a lot of fights.

JOE MONTANA'S COSTING TOWN TOO MUCH

San Francisco -- San Francisco city officials met yesterday over a brewing financial crisis facing the "city on the bay."

"Joe Montana living in our town is costing us too damn much money," said city councilman Harve Kaman. "It's one thing to want an appearance fee at the Super Bowl but come on, every time he steps out of his house he wants money."

At his son's basketball game on Sunday, Montana asked the school to pay him $150,000 to watch the game. Last Friday, Montana requested that a hospital pay him $100,000 to enter the emergency room to stitch a small cut on his eye.

Montana defended himself by saying, "Hey I'm Joe Montana and people should pay to see me. Most people want to pay and see me so what's the big deal?" Montana's wife agreed, "I have to pay to sleep with him so why shouldn't every one else have to kick in something? After all he is Joe Montana."

City officials said that though "it's great having a celebrity live in town and we're thankful for what Joe did for the 49ers but we're not a $100,000 thankful."

Service station owner Don Bixby told reporters that Montana used the restroom at his gas station and then "asked me for $100,000." Bixby further explained, "Fortunately I had the key to the toilet, so Joe just had to pee himself."

"No one gets to see me unless they pay up," said a determined Montana.

RODMAN, CHAMBERLAIN, KOBE MAKE IT INTO SAT PROBLEM

New York-- The Educational Testing Service released it's 2006-2007 Scholastic Apitude Test today and it includes a complex mathematical calculation involving NBA players.

"We're trying to make the SAT's a bit more user friendly," said ETS test designer Quizzy Dailey. "Kids like basketball so why not put something about basketball on the test?"

Students completing the math section will have to solve a sophisticated algebraic problem involving Dennis Rodman, Kobe Bryant, and Wilt Chamberlain. Dailey explained the problem, "Wilt slept with 100,000 women over the course of his career. Bryant sleeps on average with about 50 women per year. If Rodman sleeps with three times the amount of women that Bryant sleeps with, then how many years will it take Rodman to overtake Chamberlain as the all-time NBA leader?"

"It's a fun problem for the kids to figure out and it really tests everyday math skills," said a satisfied Dailey. "If students can figure out these kinds of problems then colleges can be assured that they are getting high quality students, who can qualify for lots of athletic department jobs."

Wilt after a 100 woman night in 1967. For all of you math wizards out there, the answer is never."

MEL KIPER JR. SPEAKS IN TONGUES

Houston -- NFL draft guru Mel Kiper Jr. told reporters that his picks are not only good but divinely inspired.

"I don't want anyone to think that I'm just making this stuff up," Kiper explained. "I'm just a medium for the Lord. He speaks through me and when I speaking in 'tongues,' you oughta get a pad and pencil ready."

Kiper went on to explain how his gift developed. "Years ago, I was watching a game and someone hit me in the head with beer, knocking me unconscious. When I awoke, I had the gift of tongues."

Witnesses say that Kiper can't predict when the gift will manifest itself. Longtime friend Bill Blindly said, "Mel just gets filled with the spirit and starts shaking, shouting, and then the Lord gives his top draft picks through Mel." Blindly added, "When I first saw it, I thought tongues was just a bunch of gibberish but then I could hear the Lord say things like, 'Reggie Bush is a number one and that DB from little Robert Morris College is a can't miss."

33333333333

Using a series of animal calls and guitar chords, Nugent snuffed the Osbournes from their lair and was able to get two arrows off. "I nicked Sharon in the leg, slowing her down. Ozzy stopped to help her, and I was able to get an arrow right in his left butt cheek."

The Osbournes were both recovering from the superficial flesh wounds and said through their agent, "Drugs and hunting do mix and we had a jolly, old time. Ted Nugent is a dear friend and a great recording artist. We've admired his work for years and he's certainly handy with that bow and arrow."

Fox Television is negotiating for a new reality series with Nugent, "Bow Hunting For Aging Rock Stars."

Iditarod Goes Terribly Wrong for One Driver

VANCOUVER, CANADA - Mary Worthington of Nome, Alaska had hopes of finishing in the top 5 in this year's Iditarod.  Instead, she is just trying to find her dogs and make her way home.  Worthington took a wrong turn in the race and began heading south.  She didn't realize there was a problem until she noticed that she no longer needed her heavy winter garments and saw a street sign told her she was 87 Km outside Vancouver.  "I thought that I must be coming up on Anchorage.  I guess I shouldn't have turned left at Eagle River."

Larry Shanks of Wasilla, Alaska witnessed the unfortunate turn of events. "She broke off the trail and started heading south," said Shanks.  "She just kept going. It looked more like the 'Idiot-arod' in her case.  I mean, she got stopped at the Canadian border and was asked for ID. That shoulda told her something.  What a moron."  Shanks added, "And for God's sake, she didn't even have huskies.  It's a damn shame what happened to that Chihuahua."

Worthington lost several dogs along the way, mostly leaving her out of frustration.  She has reportedly found work in Vancouver to be able to "...afford the cab ride home".

Pictured: Mary Worthington entering Vancouver with what was left of her dog team.  The smarter dogs took the sled from here and headed home to Nome.
 

LETTERS FROM OUR READERS:

BO from Bloomington, IN writes:

Dear Jockweb,

Can you settle an argument between me and my friend Larry and me. Larry says that Notre Dame football coach, Charlie Weis is really that singer "Meatloaf." Is Larry right?

B.O.

   "After a failed film career, I decided to try my hand in coaching." - Meatloaf

Dear BO

Your friend Larry is right. Before entering football coaching Charlie Weis made millions of dollars, did lots of drugs, and had about a gazillion groupies as rock star Meatloaf. And he had about the best damn sports metaphor song ever. Did you ever hear "Paradise by the Dashboard Lights?" They've got Yankee great Phil Rizzuto doing the play by play of a Yankee game juxtaposed over the panting of a guy and girl in the backseat of a car. The guy's trying to go further and further, all the while Rizzuto ranting about a base runner stealing second, third, and finally going all the way home. Good creative work, Meat...we mean Charlie.

The Editors

P.S. We hope this settles the score!

ERNIE ELS, RETIEF GOOSEN HUSTLED

Johannesburg -- Pro golfers Ernie Els and Retief Goosen were hustled out of a substantial sum of money while paired with Nelson Mandella and Bishop Desmond Tutu in a golf tournament in South Africa.

Els explained that Goosen and he were paired with the famed South African leaders in a friendly foursome during an event designed to raise money for charity. "Tutu and Mandela were hacking up the course like Dominicans on a sugar plantation. They were nine down on the turn to Retief and I when they suggested we play the back nine for one million dollars."

Goosen and Els gave Mandela and Tutu 74 shots a hole on the back. Goosen said, "As soon as we agreed to the bet, they started playing like Palmer and Nicklaus." Tutu and Mandela went out on the front nine in 768 and came back in from the back nine in 34 and with a lot of shots.

"We were hustled pure and simple. Sure Tutu is a bishop who espouses peace and brotherhood but on a golf course he's ruthless," said Els as he wrote a check to cover the bet.

Tutu chuckled saying, "Nelson and I got hot and had a run of birdies, it happens in golf." Mandela took the check from Els and declared, "Lunch is on us!"

The smiling Tutu said, "Oh yeah, we got'em good!"

Sports Agent Drafts First 'Pre-Rape' Agreement

LOS ANGELES, CA - Bernard Lohenstein of Impotent Sports, a depository of sports agents, has drafted what he calls the world's first 'Pre-Rape' agreement, designed to help professional athletes. "This is quite a breakthrough in both agent-athlete relations as well as athlete-groupie relations," said Lohenstein. "This way when the athlete contends 'she was asking for it', we have it in writing.

The premise is simple as explained by Lohenstein. An athlete meets a young lady at a strip club, restaurant or church social and invites her back to his hotel room.  "The agreement basically says 'Before I start getting my Jones on, you acknowledge that you understand that as a spoiled athlete, I am going to demand to do some pretty funky things with you, to you and at you'," Lohenstein described. "Something like this would really have helped Mike (Tyson) and Kobe. Not they they were guilty, but flashing that document in court would have saved everyone involved a lot of trouble and money."

Lohenstein and his colleages at IS are currently working on the 'Pre-spousal Abuse', 'Pre-Assault' and 'Pre-Armed Robbery' agreements; although Lohenstein admits that the last one was developed a little too late to assist Maurice Clarett.

Retired Senator Bob Dole asked, "Where do the impotent guys hang out?"

Thomas Defends Hostile Environment

NEW YORK, NY - Isiah Thomas has come out fighting, defending himself from a 6 million dollar lawsuit filed by a former female employee.  "I didn't harass anyone," said Thomas.  "Wait, is 'harass one word, or two...nevermind."  Thomas claims that while he did make New York a hostile environment, he did it for the Knicks.  "I wanted to make New York a bad place for opposing teams to come in and play against the Knicks. I felt the best way to do that was make New York bad for everyone." 

Thomas contents that some strip clubs may have been frequented, some asses may have been grabbed and some women just may have been called 'bitches and hos'.  "But I never called that bitch a 'bitch'.  Stupid bitch...I don't know why I ever grabbed her ass and invited her to that strip club."

Madison Square garden Officials and Isiah Thomas insist that they have done nothing wrong and will fight the 'baseless allegations' until, as Thomas put it "her period is over and we can get back to business".

Thomas explained, "Back in the old days I could touch Magic wherever I wanted and he never sued me."

STUDY REVEALS ANNA KOURNIKOVA NOT AS "HOT" AS SHE USED TO BE

A study by the Center for Lonely Pathetic Men was released today which stated, "Anna Kournikova" is not as hot as she used to be.

Lead investigator Milt Mitten said after viewing millions upon millions of photographs that "Anna's not as hot as she used to be. She's hot, but just not as hot."

Mitten said that, "You've got to keep an eye of those Russian women. They sort of fake you out and look really good when they're young but then as they age, forget it. No teeth and then they put those kerchiefs on their heads. Yuck."

However Mitten did say, "I would still be interested in dating her despite the fact that she's heading towards a natural disaster."

UTAH JAZZ CELEBRATE MUSICAL HERITAGE

Salt Lake City -- The Utah Jazz treated fans last night to a musical retrospective celebrating the roots of the franchise in "Morman Jazz." During halftime of last night's game against the Sonics, fans were treated to the cool sounds of some of the greatest Morman jazz musicians of all time.

Jazz Vice President Orin Orino explained, "Since Salt Lake City is the birthplace of Jazz and the franchise namesake, we wanted fans to remember the importance of jazz in the culture of Salt Lake City." The program featured music from some of the most famous Morman jazz musicians in American history. Orino explained, "It's important that we reach out to young people and educate them in the rich Utah traditions.

The program included such great Morman jazz number from the likes of Dizzy Gillespie, Charlie Parker, Theolonius Monk, and Duke Ellington. The crowd was on their feet when the Miles Davis Trio played such standards as "It Don't Mean A Thing If It Ain't Got That Morman Swing" and "Morman Indigo," as well as the old Louis Armstrong crowd pleaser, "Hello Morman Dolly."

"It's all about celebrating where you come from and giving back to the community," added Orino. Jazz has always flourished in Salt Lake City and we're damn proud."

The south, south, south, side of Salt Lake City, was historically a hotbed of Morman jazz. Here a Morman musician takes time out of proselytizing to practice some chops.

RAPTORS FIRE BABCOCK BUT INVITE HIM TO COME BACK TO VISIT

Toronto-- The Toronto Raptors, a perennially inept basketball franchise due to a series of really dumb personnel moves, fired GM Rob Babcock today. However, they left the door open for Babcock to return and make some more bonehead moves.

Babcock was hired two years ago with no previous experience. Raptor insiders say, "It's Canada, who cares about basketball?" But Raptors management said, "We like Rob Babcock. For two seasons he bought doughnuts to practice everyday," said Raptors media director Herb Rice. "Granted he picked Rafael Araujo with the 8th pick in the 2004 draft but hey every day the doughnuts were there."

Babcock defended his draft of Araujo by saying, "Rafael is a household name in several Amazon villages in Brazil. And if we played in Brazil or if the Grizzlies were still in Vancouver, we wouldn't be in last place. And what about Vince Carter, I traded him away for nothing, that's was heady."

Rice is confident that if Babcock gets some experience, "we'll hire him again." He added, "If Rob could run a few more franchises into the ground, that could be good for us. In the meantime the door is always open to Rob and those doughnuts."

Babcock surprised at the spelling of his last name. "I never really looked at it carefully, shiiiiitttttt!"

Antwaan Randle El Detained by Department of Homeland Security

DENVER, CO - While the rest of the Steeler team was safely flying home after defeating the Broncos in the AFC Championship game on January 21, Antwaan Randle El was stopped, questioned and ultimately detained by the US Department of Homeland Security.  "Ain't that about a bitch?" asked Randle El upon his release.  "This is some serious bull%^&$!"

Department spokesman Albert Feeney told reporters gathered at Denver International Airport that the actions were unfortunate but necessary.  "Come on, a 20something year-old, brown skinned male with a name like Randle El?  Plus he was over heard saying something about a 'bomb' and being 'better than slash'."  Feeney continued, "We did a thorough investigation, and it turns out that Mr. El only catches one or two passes a week, therefore our detaining him should have no adverse effect on either him or the Steelers."

Randle El was unimpressed with the explanation, but willing to let the incident get behind him.  "They treated me like my damn name was Muhammad.  But it's cool, I can let it slide because I got to meet Muhammad Ali."

Ali, the former boxing champion was also being detained.  "Give me a break," stated Feeney.  "An African American male, with THAT name, shaking that much and not talking.  We were convinced he was up to something." 
Department of Homeland Security says that Antwaan Randle El often travels in disguise. One officer explained, "We know he runs around a lot."

NEW YORK KNICK CONFESSES

New York -- In case we haven't heard enough about Antonio Davis leaving the floor last week in Chicago to run into the stands to defend his wife, Davis confessed today that in actuality "I wasn't defending my wife."

"I ran into the stands for a hot dog. My wife happened to be there," Davis explained. "Hey, I was hungry." Knicks coach Larry Brown collaborated Davis' story. "When Antonio wants a hot dog, get the f%^& out of his way, he's man on a mission. Especially if we're talking kosher, all beef dogs."

Davis' wife was unfazed. "You know, he never eats hot dogs at home, but at a ballgame, he may eat 20 or 30 during a game, and with kraut. You can imagine the post-digestive farting that takes place. But that's what marriage is all about, learning to like the smell of a spousal fart."

Larry Brown added, "Thank God no one saw me, but I left the floor to go into the stands, too. There were several people in the stands I wanted to get a resume to. Hey, I've been in New York for a couple of months. A fella gets restless."

Many NBA players have lodged complaints about Davis' eating habits during a game. One player said, "He smells so bad, I just give him the lane."

"HOLY CRAP, SOMEONE TRADED FOR ARTEST!"

Sacramento -- The owner of the Sacramento Kings, George Maloof exclaimed earlier this afternoon, "We did what?"

Later Maloof chased Kings GM Geoff Petrie around the ARCO arena with a baseball bat screaming, "You traded Peja for Artest, what are you on drugs?" The sad truth is that Petrie later revealed, "Yes, I was doing drugs." Petrie had taken some illegal mind-expanding LSD yesterday, "just to kill and afternoon. And I was trying to figure out some new player combinations so the mind expanding part really got me interested."

Unfortunately in LSD terms it was a "bad trip." LSD is synthesized from lysergic acid, derived from ergot. Ergot is a grain fungus that typically grows on rye. Generally, LSD causes expansion and altered experience of senses, emotions, memories, and awareness for 8 to 14 hours. In addition, LSD does not produce hallucinations in the strict sense but instead illusions and vivid daydream-like fantasies and ordinary objects and experiences can take on entirely different appearances or meanings. At higher concentrations it can cause synaesthesia. The drug sometimes spurs long-term or even permanent changes in a user's personality and life perspective.

Petrie added, "That about sums it up, it was a wild 8 to 14 hours and all I can say, music sounds better when you're out there and you don't think much about basketball. So now that I'm back, I understand I traded for Artest. He might help our defense, heh?"

Petrie said for some reason, the Pacers didn't want to take Hendrix in the deal.

We could not obtain a picture of Roethlisberger's testicles so we'll substitute with a crude diagram of someone else's swollen testicles to help you get the whole feeling.

LAKERS VUJACIC GOING HOME, "I GET BALL NO!"

Los Angeles -- Los Angeles Laker Sasha Vujacic announced yesterday that he would quit the team and go back home to Slovenia if he didn't start getting some shots.

Vujacic, a second year swingman, said he was tired of "that Kobe shooting ball always." The European angrily walked out of the locker room after Bryant's 81 point performance. Vujacic, who logged about 4.5 minutes in the game, explained, "when I in game, I jump and shout, 'Kobe, Kobe, give me ball. Nooooo, Kobe shot and Kobe shooze agin. Sasha not happy." Vujacic vowed he would return to his native Slovenia where "I will marry girl named Sasha and we have same name, weird, hey?"

Laker coach Phil Jackson remarked from a lotus meditation position that "The sun rises in the East, casting shadows. OMMMM."

When approached by reporters about the incident, Bryant said, "I never forced myself on any shot. All of my shots were consensual."

"I average only 3.8 points a game, they trade Kobe, I average mabye 3.9, no?" asked Vujacic.

SLED GUY BACK FOR ONE DAY AND THEN CANNED AGAIN

Germany --An arbitrator found no evidence to support claims that U.S. Skeleton coach Tim Nardiello sexually harassed two members of his team.

Yesterday, Nardiello came back to practice but he started right up again and authorities came in and said, "Enough is enough." Apparently Nardiello made comments to female sledders about his really warm coat. One sledder said, "He told us that 'I got down' and what does that mean." Nardiello said he meant, "I've got a down jacket, you know, feathers, really warm." But Olympic officials said, "The statement 'I got down' is sexual and for Tim to say it's about his jacket is backpeddling."

Nardiello did admit that he requires all of his female sledders to go down the hill on their stomachs with their legs spread wide. "It's a wind dynamics thing," he explained. Members of the governing committee said that Nardiello knows his sledding and we like that "spread leg" idea but "he can't coach if he's got down."

Nardiello explained, "From my vantage point, the spread legs position makes you go really fast."

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Occasionally we get emails or letters from interested readers. We want you to know that we love hearing from you even if your question couldn't stump a moose.

Dear Jockweb,

Why don't we see more frontal nudity or in that case, more rear nudity on Jockweb? What is your official position on this?

Dear H.D.,

It's a sports site, for chrissakes! How many sports are played in the nude? Okay there is some nude volleyball and yes, we do like watching, but nude volleyball players usually don't like their picture taken. Besides the fact that to get people to take their clothes off in front of a camera requires either incredible suaveness or tons of money. We have no suaveness and we have no money. AND H.D., we like to think that we're more of a high brow site, that appeals to a more intelligent reader. The idea of taking your credit card number to look at people engaged in sexual activity and then you touching yourself while viewing a computer screen, though appeals to our basic market instincts, sort of freaks us out. If nudity or scantily clad pictures support our journalistic intent, then you will see nudity. But please don't touch yourself while reading our site. Thanks for the feedback!

The Editors

Dear Jockweb,

I heard that that train in that beer commercial, you know that "Love Train" thing with the beer and the snow and the train going past all the football games? My friend Izzy said there is no such train. I was trying to buy a ticket for that train cause it looks like it goes really fast. Who do I call to get a ticket for that train?

Blaine Howe, Horvarth, KS

Dear Blaine,

Yes, it's a real train and it speeds by every football stadiuim in the country every Sunday during football season. The engineer drinks about a case of beer before pulling out of the station which explains why the hell he never slows down long enough to let anyone off the watch the game. We were on the train a couple of weeks ago and there was a game going into overtime, and we asked the conductor, can we slow the f%^& down to watch the rest of this game? He said that the train only has 60 seconds to go past every stadium in the country. And another thing, it's freezing on that f$#%&^ train. There's a shitload of snow falling off it, so if you do get a ticket take a warm coat with you. And if you want another good train ride, that "Polar Express" ride to the North Pole, that's a real good one.

The Editors

JOCKWEB GETTING REAL!

In our never ending quest to keep you up to date and REAL, Jockweb went on the street and spoke with some football fans to capture what the "regular guy on the street" was experiencing at NFL playoff time. The following is an excerpt from our conversation with Ronnie Brown, of Oakland, CA.

JW: Hey, Ronnie, did you catch any of the games yesterday?

Ronnie: How the %^&* does Pittsburgh beat Denver at Denver? And I had $200 on both of those $%^&ing games yesterday, Denver and Carolina! Where the $%^& was Steve Smif? That$%^&*# disappeared. And what the $%^& is Seattle doing in the Superbowl.  That's like a pidgeon in the Miss America pagent, you know what I'm saying?

(NOTE: Ronnie seems to suddenly have to run away from us. A second fan, Eric Williams runs our way).

EW: Where the  %^&* did that mother f%^&*$# go? He better come up wif my mother f$%^&*# money...else that mother f%^&*$# is gonna have his mother f%^&*$# legs broken. You know what I'm saying?

(NOTE: From the gist of the conversation, we believe final payment is due by Tuesday evening).

So there it is, just of couple of guys, enjoying the NFL playoffs!

TRENT DILFER FINDS A JOB HE CAN DO

Seattle -- "Hey I did win a Superbowl," insists a terribly mediocre Trent Dilfer.

After struggling through another season where people either wished Dilfer was out of the NFL or simply didn't notice he was there, Dilfer seems to have hit his stride. He's been handed a microphone by the NFL Network and he has been told to "sneak up on real athletes and get some good stuff." With such hard hitting, in-depth questions such as, "Do you think a good offensive line gives your team a chance?" to Mike Holmgren and "Do you think that you can score more points than the Panthers?" to Matt Hasselbeck, Dilfer is establishing himself as a fixture in football telecasts. An NFL observer said, "Trent's developing along the same lines of that girl Joe Namath was hitting on and that other black girl on FOX. "Whoa, not so fast," said an embarrassed Dilfer. "Let's not mention me with the greats, just yet."

With this job, Dilfer has a chance to break out, and this time not out of necessity or from bad skin. "I'd eventually like to be known as the next Lynn Swan, not necessarily in football terms, but in the way he handled a microphone."
 

The NFL Network declined comment but released a prepared statement saying, "We're confident that no one is watching our network but if they are, Trent will bored the piss out of an empty bladder."

A smothering defense, a poor game plan by the Giants, and some divine intervention, helped get Dilfer a Superbowl ring.

CITY OF DENVER HELPS FANS RECOVER

Denver -- City officials jumped into action following the defeat of the hometown Broncos at the hands on the Pittsburgh Steelers in Sunday's AFC Championship.

City goodwill ambassador Dizzy Pointer  explained that, "There's lots to do in Denver when your team is DEAD." Pointer said that Denverarians need not fear of having nothing to do now that the Broncos have been booted from the playoffs. "We've got a fun city with many cultural activities to participate in lieu of watching our beloved Broncos," said the bubbling Pointer.

Some of Pointers recommendations can be found in the new released pamphlet, "Hey, Denver Before You Jump From That Tall Building Why Don't You...

         -take a ceramics class at one of our great pottery studios?

         -or finish the11th grade?

         -or complain about our large illegal immigrant population?

         -or take your gal out to one of our 3 open all night Wendy's pickup windows?

         -or take in a super production of Les Mis at the Elway High School gymnasium

         -or if none of the above interest you, crash at Pete Coors' swingin pad with those twins!

Yes, Denver without the Broncos can be fun!

"Yes, Denver fans, there are wonderful experiences waiting for you throughout our fair city that don't involve football."

HORSES QUARANTINED BECAUSE OF HERPES OUTBREAK

Gulfstream Park -- Several horse training centers in Florida announced that they will not accept any horses for training from Maryland because of a herpes outbreak. Officials are worried that an equine herpes outbreak could threaten the whole of next racing season.

Trainer Knotty Luce asked the obvious question, "What the hell's going on in Maryland?" Luce said, "It's apparent that these horses are engaged in unprotected sex and now they want to ship them down south."

Maryland horses have a reputation for partying and loose morals. Pimilico racetrack employee, Wilt Thanger explained, "These horses stay up all hours of the day and night and then they've got no energy left to race. And don't even try talking to them about responsible sexual behavior." Thanger said, "We've shown them all the sex education videos til we're blue in the face but they've got that equine pride thing."

Racetrack owners don't want the responsibility for policing the extracurricular activities of their horses. Bob Poozey, a Pimilico spokesman said, "What the horses do in their free time is their business. We can't afford to be handing out condoms. These are grown horses who should know better."

This horse, who would not reveal his name, said, "It's really difficult for me to get a condom on with hooves."

METS TRADE BENSON TO BALTIMORE FOR A PAIR

Baltimore -- The Baltimore Orioles acquired righthander Kris Benson from the New York Mets for righthanders Jorge Julio and Baltimore's former closer, John Maine.

Benson was 10-8 with a 4.13 ERA in 28 starts for the Mets in 2005. Rumors surrounded the trade, that the Mets let Benson go because Benson's wife, Anna, is an embarrassment to the Mets organization. Anna Benson is a model and actress, and she has posed topless and publicly discussed details of her sex life.

Some Mets insiders were very upset with the trade. An anonymous source commented, "We gave up entirely too much in this trade. We gave up a nice pair for a lesser pair."

Mets management said there was no connection to the trade and last month's Christmas party when Mrs. Benson showed up in a low-cut Santa costume. GM Omar Minaya could not comment since he is still being treated for "distended tongue."

Orioles management gave Benson the greenlight, "We don't care if he loses 25 games."

JIMMY JOHNSON KIDNAPPED BY HAIR STYLISTS: "SHEER TERROR!"

Miami -- Football analyst and former NFL head coach, Jimmy Johnson, was kidnapped by an extremist group of hair stylists but released after a "wash and cut."

Johnson told reporters that he was in a public restroom in a Miami restaurant when he was surrounded by "five mabye six of these really scary guys." He explained, "I was just doing my normal thing, applying some 10W 40 to my head, getting my hair just the way I like it, and the next thing I know, I'm in the trunk of a car." Johnson was blindfolded and taken to a hidden location where he was strapped to a barber's chair. "First they washed my hair for a good ten minutes and though I was scared, the hair washing felt pretty good." After the wash, the stylists went to work with various "scissors" screaming at Johnson, saying, "From now on, you're going to look like a senior Jon Bon Jovi."

The stylists did not ask for money. They released Johnson after the wash and cut. Johnson said, "I'm not a big tipper but after I saw the results, I gave them a ten spot." A relieved Johnson spoke to reporters later and warned, "this is just the top of the iceberg. There are hundreds of these hairstylist cells throughout the country and no one is aware of it."

Johnson was taken to a nearby hospital and released after doctors restored his old coiff.

MIKE HOLMGREN REVEALS, "I AM THE WALRUS!"

Seattle -- Despite vehement protests from pro golfer, Craig Stadler, Seattle Seahawks head coach Mike Holmgren declared that he is the "Walrus." The identity of the "Walrus"' has stumped music historians since the release of the song by the Beatles in 1968.

Holmgren explained that "John Lennon spoke to me several times and assured me that I was the walrus, not Paul, and especially not Craig Stadler." Controversy has raged for years over the meaning of Lennon's composition, "I Am The Walrus." Audiophiles have been looking for clues that Lennon so deftly hid about who in reality is the "walrus."

Stadler claims the he was the inspiration for the song after he met Lennon at a driving range in West Texas. "I was watching him trying to hit a bucket of balls while I ate a box of Goobers (those chocolate covered peanuts). I offered some tips to Lennon, gave him some goobers, and he promised to write a song about me. That end part 'googoo ga goobers,' was my lyric."

Holmgren said that Stadler version, "is pure bullshit." Holmgren said if you play the old record backwards, you can hear Lennon saying 'the walrus is Mike." "Besides," Holmgren added, "everyone knows my favorite candy are JuJubees. Listen carefully to the end of the song when Lennon sang, 'juju juju jubees."

Rock historian Kasey Kasem said he didn't really care who the walrus is but he did express hope that  Janet Jackson will reveal her other breast at this year's Super Bowl.

Who is the real Walrus? Experts say if you pop a tab of LSD, the walrus is White House insider Karl Rove.

RED SOX RE-HIRE EPSTEIN AFTER GOING THROUGH PUBERTY

Boston-- The Boston Red Sox announced that former General Manager Theo Epstein is coming back for a second run at the job and this time it's a whole new ballgame.

Epstein admitted that even though he was successful in his first stint, he carried with him an embarrassing secret. "During my previous tenure, I was very young. Too young to have responsibility for a major league baseball franchise. I hadn't gone through puberty." Epstein further explained, "I come from a long line of late developers and when the Red Sox won the Series, I had no armpit hair."

Fortunately for Epstein, after leaving the Sox and some hormonal injections, "everything is a-ok. I've got some nice growth down below and I'm feeling really confident for the first time in my life. Baseball's full of hairy, swarthy guys and it can be intimidating.  I remember times when I would cut hair off my head and scotch tape it to my testicles. Let me tell you, that adds some time to getting ready to leave the house."

Several players were surprised that Epstein was old enough to be a General Manager. One player thought Epstein was a missing child from a milk carton he had seen and tried to return him to his parents.

Epstein said, "If anyone makes fun of my age, I'm going to pop a zit on them!"

BILLS' INTERVIEW LOSING COACH IN A CAPER'S CAPER

Buffalo -- Bills owner Ralph Wilson and Director of Football Operations Marv Levy were bamboozled by ex-Houston Texans coach Dom Capers in an interview for the Buffalo head coaching position.

Wilson, 87, and Levy, 80, slept through most of the interview. Capers commented, "It was the best interview I ever had. I could hardly hear myself talk over the snoring but they never interrupted me or asked a question." Capers explained that the lunch meeting got off the a great start when a filet mignon meal was served. "I cut their meat into really small pieces and then fed them. I think that really impressed them on the kind of coach I could be."

Levy and Wilson later commented that their first order of business is the get the complete DVD collection of the "Golden Girls" and then we'll probably make a decision on a coach. Wilson remarked, "Hey that Dom De Luise is a funny guy, he'd be a great coach." Levy agreed saying what a remarkable record DeLuise had coaching in the NFL.

Capers said, "I knew things were going well when I told them that I was 14-2 with the Texans last season. They never flinched, so I threw in that I had won a couple of Super Bowls."

Later, Levy let out a series of nice long belches and Wilson asked, "Did that Dom guy take my teeth?"

Capers said, "I flashed the Super Bowl ring and introduced myself as Bill Belechik. I think I'm in."

KENDRA DAVIS ADMITS ATTRACTION TO CHICAGO FAN

Chicago --New York Knicks forward Antonio Davis thought he had suffered enough with a five game suspension for entering the stands during Wednesday's Bulls-Knicks game. But nothing prepared him for the bombshell that wife Kendra dropped on him today.

Kendra Davis announced that she was seeking a divorce from the NBA star to marry Bulls fan, Michael Axelrod. Mrs. Davis explained, "People misunderstand Michael. He's a hot-tempered investment banker and sometimes his passions get the best of him but something just clicked between us the other night."

Michael and Kendra began the evening just with a few casual winks and nods. Soon they found the nerve to blow each other kisses. Antonio Davis explained that from the court, "They were getting along a little too good and I thought I had to go up there and save my marriage. For God's sake, I can't compete with an investment banker."

Axelrod said that he plans to continue to sue "Antonio, the Knicks, the Bulls, the city of Chicago, FEMA, and several third world countries." Axelrod added, "Frivilous lawsuits against famous people make good business sense. I recommend lawsuits as an important component of any sound personal finance plan."

The heart broken Antonio Davis said, "I'm tired of these prima donna MBA guys and all their home wrecking."

MARLINS DONTRELLE WILLIS MAY MISS SPRING TRAINING AFTER BREAKING JAW

South Florida -- The ink was barely dry on Dontrelle Willis' new Florida Marlins contract, when the fiery lefthander injured himself while demonstrating his pitching motion to some school children.

Willis, know for a double jointed pitching motion, was holding a clinic for some young Marlin wannabe's when the injury occurred. Willis lifted his right leg, hitting and breaking his jaw in the process. Several children were also injured during the clinic. Witness Mary Kay Kay said, "Kids were all over the room lifting their legs and knocking themselves trying to learn the Willis pitching motion."

Doctors say Willis will most likely miss spring baseball which in the words of Dr. George Buoy, "is more boring than summer baseball." The Marlins front office released a statement saying, "What the hell is a 5 million dollar pitcher doing helping kids? And seriously, we're hoping Dontrelle can find a hat that fits him next season. We hate that he has no bend in his beak."

Willis knocked out several teeth but said, "I can almost bend far enough to kiss my crotch."

MAN SENTENCED IN SHEFFIELD EXTORTION CASE

Chicago -- A man, who tried to blackmail baseball player Gary Sheffield, was sentenced yesterday to 27 months in jail.

Derrick Mosely, a self proclaimed mininster, threatened to release a video purporting to show Sheffield's wife, DeLeon Richards-Sheffield, engaged in a sexual act with R&B singer R Kelly. The attorney for the Sheffields was able to prove that Ms. Richards-Sheffield "couldn't have possibly been in a video with R Kelly." Attorney Ron Damski told the court, "Ms. Richards-Sheffield is over 18 and it is common knowledge that Mr. Kelly only videotaped sex with minors."

R Kelly addressed the court and said, "He didn't remember having sex with Ms. Richards-Sheffield but I might have when she was 14. That was a long time ago and my memory's not the greatest. Who knows how many under-aged girls that I've had video-taped sex with? You think I can remember them all? That's why I videotape!"

Mr. Mosely apologized to the Sheffields and the court saying, "It was worth a try. You have to admit as extortion goes, this wasn't bad."

Mick Jagger also denied have sex with R Kelly when he was 15. "And back then, there were no video cameras."

JOCKEY RETIRES TO ENTER REHAB

Louisville -- Veteran jockey and former Kentucky Derby winner, Jerry Bailey, announced his retirement from horse racing but racing observers say, he was forced from the sport.

"It's well known around racing circles that Jerry Bailey is 'O&S' dependent," said a horse trainer who asked for anonymity. "You couldn't keep oats and sugar around a stable when Jerry was present," added the trainer. "And the backbone of this sports is O&S."

Horse owner and breeder, Nate Sweetman, explained his feelings on the matter by saying, "As an owner you put up a lot of money for oats and sugar for the horse. You can't get these horses to perform in front of big crowds without oats and sugar. And when your jockey is sneaking and hording all of your overhead, you're losing money and you've got a horse that doesn't want to run. It's a bad situation."

Bailey broke down several times during his retirement speech admitting, "I have a problem, I need help." Bailey will enter a short de-tox program and then will be in treatment for the next six months." Program director Dr. Victor Toth said, "O&S addiction is one of the most powerful addictions to break. It takes a lot of commitment and hard work on behalf of the patient. But if he stays the course, and with a little help from the MAN upstairs, Jerry's gonna beat this thing."

Jerry Bailey in happier times. Bailey say, "s the first step to recovery is to admit you have a problem."

EX-NBA PLAYER SAMPSON INDICTED FOR PERJURY

Harrisonburg -- Former NBA player and one-time top draft choice Ralph Sampson was indicted for lying on the witness stand about his career.

Sampson was in court for failing to pay child support for two children. Court clerk Walt Gerber was at courtside following all of the action. "It was bad enough when he came in and hadn't given the kids enough money for a 'slinky' toy but then he starts dropping stats about his career. Everyone just looked at each other and said, 'Bullshit."

Sampson claimed he was the number one scorer and rebounder of all time. Judge Isadore Upin quickly lost patience with Sampson and sentenced him to two years in jail "just because you're 7'4" and you didn't do jack-shit in the NBA."

The hearing opened up some old wounds. Fans in several cities suddenly remembered they had purchased tickets in the 80's to see Sampson and immediately demanded a refund. Houston Rockets season ticket holder Jay June remarked, "He was a loud fart in the history of hype."

Sampson showed off a pair of old sneakers trying to prove he's used to play basketball. The judge was unimpressed.

JOCKWEB REALITY TV SHOW UPDATE

Jockweb Productions announced today that they will be pitching a new reality series, "Lesbian Cheerleaders On Probation." The show will follow the crazy exploits of two former NFL cheerleaders after they are sentenced to six months probation for having sex in a public restroom. Jockweb creative czar Coco explained that "we tried the same idea with Martha Stewart but there were not any women want to have sex with Martha. On second thought, there weren't any willing men either." Coco feels the time is right for a lesbian reality show on a major network. "It just feels right to me for some reason. I think America deep down in it's psyche, America longs to be lesbian. And besides those two Carolina cheerleaders are out of work and will work for minimum wage."

MORE COLTS BASHING: VANDERJAGT CLAIMS DOUBLE VISION

Indianapolis -- In the aftermath of Sunday's meltdown, the excuses continue to pour from the Indianapolis Colts.

Kicker Mike Vanderjagt said that he is entering a clinic because of "double vision." "Seriously, I know I sound like a pussy, but I'm seeing two of everything. And when I looked at the goalposts at the end of that game, I saw the one on the right. I was so excited because I hit it just where I wanted to," Vanderjagt continued.

Vanderjagt is being treated by the famous Dr. Wendall Wangtree. Dr.Wangtree helps patients with double vision and suicidal tendencies. Dr. Wangtree commented, "Very few people understand the connection between double vision and wanting to hang yourself from the rafters, but there's a strong connection which Mr. Vanderjagt demonstrates very clearly."

Several referees from Sunday's game reviewed Vanderjagt's final kick and said in retrospect, "It was good!"

STUDY REVEALS LINK BETWEEN SKI JUMPING AND CRAPPING PANTS

The finding of a study by the Proctor Gamble Corporation revealed a causal connection between ski jumping and crapping one's pants.

Dr. Martin Flem explained, "Standing at the top of a huge jump, with two skis on your feet seems to stimulate the nervous system to a high anxiety state causing the crapping response."

Twenty subjects were chosen at random to participate in the study. The subjects were taken to the top of a ski jump and told they would be pushed down. All 20 subjects crapped themselves.

A Proctor and Gamble spokeperson said, "This is great news for our adult protection product line and this is a market segment that we've never considered."

Dr. Flem added, "Science is not always a clean business but you have to get your hands dirty if the boundaries of knowledge are going to expand."

STUDY REVEALS: KU KLUX KLAN MEMBERS DON'T PLAY GOLF

Researchers at the Jockweb Center for Sport Research released findings from a recent study that says there is no connection between the KKK and golf. Dr. Arnold Boog explained, "Our original hypothesis was that we thought that there would be lots of KKK guys on a golf course. Mainly because golfers wear a lot of white shoes, hats, gloves, and shirts. But what we found was that most of their activities take place at night and golf isn't one of them."

Boog said he was "surprised" at the findings. "I would think that an organization like that would have lots of outings and tournaments like better ball, scrambles, etc. Golf is usually a good bonding activity for an organization."

One anonymous KKK member who took place in the study said " Hey, we're a hate group, we hate everyone and everything. So we hate golf too." But he was curious how he could use a club. He commented, "that clubbing idea looks pretty darn fun."

Boog added, "I guess we can deduct from the data that Skinheads don't play golf, either."

STUDY REVEALS: NO BASEBALL IN AFGHANISTAN

A recent top secret study by the CIA became public today. The study reveals that there are no baseball fields in Afghanistan.

Lead researcher and Bush appointee, Lance Lomax, explained the goals and purposes of the study. "We wanted to see if the Afghan people liked baseball. The President likes baseball and he figured, if they did, we were going to ask them to play. And if we played we'd probably have fun. And maybe they would like us. And if they like us, we can invite them to our fields for a game, maybe on the White House lawn. And then we would have peace. Or at the very least, a great photo opportunity."

But Lomax concluded, "They don't have any baseball fields so I guess we're not playing any baseball in Afghanistan. So I guess I'll go home."

PITCHER NAEGLE GETS OFF WITH PROSTITUTE

Denver -- Charges were dropped yesterday in a Denver courtroom against MLB pitcher Denny Naegle for soliciting a prostitute.

Naegle was picked up after a prostitute ran from his car screaming, "Anything but that!" Nagle denied that he asked a woman for sex. "Come on, I'm a washed up pitcher, you don't think I can get sex for free whenever I want?"

Later police admitted they had made a mistake arresting Naegle. "We're pretty sure we got the wrong guy," said Officer Harvey Blowstine. "On second look, we realized that the prostitute was not running from Naegle's car but from actor Hugh Grant's car, Blowstine explained. "And you know Hugh, he can sniff out prostitutes like a bloodhound on a prison break."

Naegle said he left his house to get a lube job at a local mechanic shop and he had a coupon that was expiring. "Needless to say, with all the confusion, I never got my lube job and the coupon expired."

 Naegle advice, "Make sure when you tell your wife you're going out for an oil change that you don't stop for sex."

FORMER TENNIS STAR PASSING BAD CHECKS

Miami -- Former tennis star Roscoe Tanner was in court yesterday for violating probation on a charge of writing bad checks.

Miami police said that Tanner was picked up dressed as a woman, writing checks under the name of Martina Naratilova. Detective Frank Costello explained, "Several merchants became suspicious when they saw someone claiming to be Naratilova and she was dressed as a woman. They called us and sure enough, it was Roscoe up to his old tricks."

A clerk in a Pinellas County GAP store, Marcy Bright said Tanner came in the store and asked for several sports bras but "we don't carry sports bras so I sent him Victoria's Secret." Bright, a perky little blonde, expressed relief that she wasn't a victim of Tanner's scheme. "He was so nice in "Full House" as Danny  and now this."

Tanner, 55, who won the Australian Open in 1977 and was a runner-up in Wimbledon in 1979, has passed off checks under the names of Billy Jean King, Margaret Court, and Chris Evert. Last year he bought a Hyundai under the name of Pancho Gonzales. Car dealer Max Pearson said, "When you sell Hyundais, you don't care if the check is bad, you just want to get rid of them."

Detective Costello remarked, "The guy I'd really like to lock up is that McEnroe."

If you're passing bad checks when you buy a car, remember Hyundai hasn't fared well in recent crash tests.

CHALKY TALKY:

AN UNEDUCATED OPINION FROM A NITWIT

COLTS REFUSAL TO WEAR UNIFORMS, A REAL DISADVANTAGE

Hey, everyone's picking on the Colts this week. And yes, they choked again. And yes, Mike Vanderjagt's name should be spelled Vanderjet. And yes, we know the refs were trying to put it to the Steelers. BUT from where I'm sitting, I like to analyze the games by talking about the basics. And it doesn't get any more basic than the uniform. I'm sorry but if you don't wear a uniform, complete with pads and everything, I don't think you can compete against the other team, who took the time to put them on. Granted, putting on all that gear is a real pain in the ass, but it really smarts when you get hit by a running vehicle like Jerome Bettis, and all you have on is an Aeropostale sweatshirt. And the basics are square on the shoulders of the coaching staff. So I ask the question to the Colts coaches, didn't you notice when they came out of the locker room that they weren't dressed properly? Come on guys, that seems like a pretty simple thing, even for a guy like me. You get paid some big money, and I think the fans should be able to expect that you can at the very least, supervise the dressing of your team. Thank you!

--Mort Rodann

CUBAN INVASION THWARTED BY COAST GUARD

Havana -- The United States Coast Guard faced some tense moments yesterday when they engaged a very determined Cuban National Baseball Team, in what observers are calling a quasi-military confrontation off the coast of Florida. The Cuban team has been barred from participating in the World Baseball Classic because Cuban dictator, Fidel Castro, forgot to send U.S. President George Bush a box of Christmas cigars.

President Bush told a press conference, "Fidel knows how much I like those Cuban cigars and if you leave off of your Christmas list, the leader of the free world, I just think that's inexcusable. They're not going to be allowed to play with us. In fact we're going to invade Cuba because we've heard they've got WMD's."

The Cubans fought the Coast Guard for a full ninety seconds, fighting from three heavily armed row boats. Coast Guard Commander Bill Whetter explained, "They were pretty tired from rowing all the way from Cuba but they were pissed and had baseball bats. When they saw the aircraft carrier and the F15's, they shit their pants and started rowing home."

Castro addressing the Cuban people in fiery speech said that "the MLB should consider Havana as an expansion city. Come on, they put teams in Canada, and we've got nicer beaches. As a rule I'm against colonial expansion but if we got a team, I'd get a really cool fitted hat."

Pete Rose commented, "I never bet on Cuban baseball games."

  Castro explains, "Next year, I want to be the Macy's department store Santa."

COLTS' HARPER SENDS WIFE "UP RIVER"

Indianapolis -- Colts defensive back Nick Harper didn't have too much time to reflect on the loss to the Pittsburgh Steelers. He was busy preparing for the loss of his wife.

"What an opportunity!" exclaimed the jubilant Harper. "How many guys actually live through an attempted murder by their wife and then get a chance to put her in jail?"

Harper's wife came at him with a fillet knife with what Harper claims was intent to do "a Lorena Bobitt on me. She was going for my ding-a-ling but hey I return punts so I just gave her a quick juke," Harper explained. Harper's wife claims it was an accident saying that it was a butter knife and she was just trying to put some low fat spread on his English muffin.

Harper added, "She calls it an English muffin, I call it my dick, and I don't need no butter on it." Harper's wife did manage to graze his knee with the knife causing some penetration. The smiling Harper laughed and passed out cigars, "I got four stitches but she's getting four years. I call that win-win."

Harper warns husbands, "Don't fool yourself, a butter knife in the hands of a determined woman could leave you singing high notes."

NEW SPORT INSPIRED MOVIE RELEASED

(Review to follow)

Hollywood-- A new inspirational sports movie was released to enthusiastic audiences throughout the country and has instantly become a box office smash.

"Cricket Avenue", a new film by director Ridley Smott is based on actual occurances of a 1980's cricket team coming together to win the prestigious, Wicked Cup. The story revolves around a rag-tag group of Indian and Pakistani immigrants, who by day make tons of money sterotypically running  7-11's and Dunkin Donuts but on the weekends, they scramble together enough cash for a cricket team.

The story involves their inability to gain acceptance in the snotty, high brow cricket world of Main Line Philadelphia. The wealthy elite of Philadelphia play cricket in exclusive clubs that are built for the privileged to keep the boring game of cricket alive amongst the boring WASP establishment. Enter our heros, Rajeesh and Harish, who try and join the exclusive Berion Cricket Club. Rejected by Berion's team captain, playboy Bruce Babasham, the two rebels go off and form their own team consisting of other immigrant players who couldn't gain acceptance into Berion.

The climax of the film occurs when Berion agrees to play the upstart "Cream and Sugar?" Cricket Club. The game goes on for three days and it looks like Berion will maintain it's position as dominant, colonial oppressors in both the cricket and the world. But our boys come through in the ninety second hour with some brilliant bowling by bowler, Srinivas Modanathan. The "Cream and Sugar?" pull out the game against all odds and send the rich boys back to their swanky mansions without the cup. From then on, everyone gets along and there is pure cosmic understanding with no more racial or ethnic strife in the world.

Director Smott says it is one of those "feel good movies you won't soon forget." Initial reaction was that Smott liberally stole from another current sport film and Smott agrees. "I stole the whole idea from that basketball movie and just put the cricket stuff in."

In this scene protagonist Rajeesh, jabs the testicles of an opponent, in one of the pivotal moments of the film.

OFFICIALS ADMIT, "WE WERE TRYING TO WIN ONE FOR PEYTON"

Indianapolis-- The crew chief for the officiating crew at Sunday's playoff game between the Pittsburgh Steelers and the Indianapolis Colts admitted that, "we were rooting for Peyton."

Referee Bob Sykes asked after the game, "How much more can a human being take?" He then explained that, "Peyton was crying on the sidelines in the 3rd quarter and begging us not to let it happen again. We're officials but we have compassion, so we tried our best the throw the game. We had it set up perfectly but that kicker had to screw up the whole thing."

Steelers coach Bill Cowher angrily spoke out against the crew. "It's all about my jaw. Even when I kiss people they think I'm pissed. I just look angry all the time and people don't take to me."

The officials handed the ball back to the Colts after an apparent interception by Steelers defensive back Troy Polamalu. Sykes said, "The replay clearly showed it was an interception but I glanced over to Peyton with those begging eyes and I couldn't resist. I overturned the interception with absolutely no video evidence."

Even Steelers running back Jerome Bettis got in on the act. "After Peyton was sacked on 4th down and we got the ball on the one, I saw how bad he was crying. When you see someone crying like that you want to help in the best way you can. So I fumbled. And the smile on Peyton's face made it all worth it. Unfortunately, that kicker undid a lot of good by a lot of people. Poor, poor Peyton."

After the game, the dejected, depressed, suicidal Manning did manage to thank all those who conspired to throw the game his way. "Even though I had the support of friends and families, I'm going to call on you again, to amputate the legs of Mike Vanderjagt."

Official Sykes explaining the plan to "Get Vanderjagt."

LARRY KING TO HEAD SEARCH FOR NEW RAIDERS COACH

Oakland -- The Oakland Raiders announced that talk show host Larry King would head the search for a new coach.

Raiders spokesperson Kip Kirshaw explained, "Larry's a big football fan and with an emaciated physique, he's never had the chance to play football. We thought it would be nice to make him part of the sport. And finding a new coach is pretty easy stuff, just a few phone calls and that's what Larry does best."

King was thrilled but was a bit insulted by the Al Davis look alike comment. "Hey, I think I'm a better looking guy and so do the fifteen women who married me. I've bedded down more babes than Rasputin."

The Raiders will begin the search on King's Thursday show during the call in part. King will interview  past coaches Jon Gruden, Bill Callahan, and Norv Turner. Each will explain what an asshole Al Davis is to work for. After the talk show part, King will take phone calls from interested applicants and make his decision by the show's end.

CNN program director Ferd Forking said, "This is compelling Larry King television and another example of how Larry can re-invent himself."

Former Raider Barrett Robbins said from jail, "Wow Larry King and Al Davis really look alike, though I'd rather be interviewed by Larry. Al makes me crazy."

Al Davis was unavailable for comment but sources say he was with his attorneys trying to move the show to another network.

King or Davis?... we can't tell.

FIRST MIRACLE ATTRIBUTED TO POPE JOHN PAUL

Rome-- The Vatican announced today that they have investigated and confirmed the first of three documented miracles necessary to canonize Pope John Paul to sainthood.

In the Catholic Church, there must be three divine interventions or miracles for promotion to sainthood. Vatican spokesperson Father Viggio Antonio Raphaela Michaelangelo Di Ceccihio explained "that in order for a dead guy to become a saint and have a church name after him, he's got to come back and pull some extraordinary shit."

Harold Christenson of Rocky Mount, North Carolina prayed to the deceased Pontiff regularly throughout the football season and for his devotion, he won his office "Fantasy League." Christenson told of the tension leading to the last week of play. "I was neck and neck with Will Greisbach but I prayed to the Pope and he didn't." The deceased Pope recommended that Christenson start Julius Jones in Week 16 and the rest is history.

"Jones tore it up in essentially a meaningless game but I took the $300 in the league kitty," said the jubliant Christenson. "I had a hard time figuring out the accent but it was a goddamn miracle for sure!"

Pope Benedict commented about his predecessor saying through a translator, "Julius Jones? That's good fantasy play. I was recommending Kevin Jones for Week 16. Just goes to show, I'm not ready for sainthood."

Pope John Paul spoke to Christenson saying, "I've got plenty of time to think about football, check in whenever you feel like it."

NFL CUTS TIES WITH BONER DRUG

New York--The National Football League announced that it would cease it's commercial relationship with the company that makes the erectile dysfunction fixer upper, Levitra.

Spokesperson Tad Long said that the league's decision had nothing to do with unsatisfactory performance of the drug but "it's just that there's so many boner drugs to choose from, we didn't want to get pigeon holed." Long added, "We're real proud of what the NFL has done for the modern day erection. We've sponsored an enormous amount of really fine, firm, healthy erections."

Levitra representatives said they were disappointed with the news. Company representative Lance Loodun said that sales for their product soared when coupled with the machismo of pro football. "Men associated football with an erection for the first time in history. It used to be you'd switch on the game and grab a beer. Today, you switch on the game, pop a pill, and grab a bimbo."

Experts estimate that the Levitra sales increased 86,000% in the last three years but without the NFL's backing, it's going to be difficult to sustain that drive. NFL statistician Jack O'Laite figures that the NFL has been indirectly responsible for over 28,000 miles of erections. O'Laite explained, "If you were to put all of those erections end to end, you'd have a pipeline that could go all the way to the moon."

"Wow," was Paul Tagliabue's response, "that's an obscure statistic." Taglibue added, "This isn't the end of the NFL and boners. We'll be talking with other manufacturers, and adding some parity to the boner pill market."

Former Bears coach Mike Ditka said he was concerned that he might be cut off from the "free sample" closet in the NFL offices. "It's one thing getting a free boner, it's another to have to pay for it."

Do you want this man walking around your town with an erection?

RUMOR HAS IT:

Country singer, K.D. Lang will be attempting to win her first gold medal in the International Skating Championships. Lang said that figure skating was her first love but since she lived in the South, she was forced-fed a steady diet of "whiney, twangy, I'm pining for you, country music." Lang explained, "We didn't have no ice where I come from. But I always wanted to skate like Peggy Fleming." Because of her noteriety as a singer, Lang is skating under the name of "Johnny Weir."

Lang skated a seven program last night to the music of Hank Williams Jr.'s "Are Your Ready For Some Football?" She scored!