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Lexington, KY -- Hockey and non-hockey fans alike celebrated the great news that the University of Kentucky will re-release ten million copies of the their famous 1998-99 Kentucky Hockey schedule featuring a very inviting picture of celebrity Ashley Judd.

"It's the reason I gave up football for hockey," said one non-Canadian. School officials explained that they had forgotten that they printed the extra ten million back in 1998 and one official said, "Wow, we misplaced all these calendars and we're pleased as punch to find them."

Sales of the calendar were brisk yesterday throughout the country despite that the schedule is nine years old. "I never knew Kentucky had a hockey team and I never realized they played Ohio State," said one fan. "I'm going right home and put this schedule up on my wall," he continued.

Harvey Gleckman held up his calendar and exclaimed, "I learned a one-hand slap shot while spending hour looking at this back in '98. This will be like Deja Vu."

Rome, Italy -- French long jumper Salim Sdiri was hit be a javelin during the Golden Gala games on Friday.

The incident occurred when a Finnish javelin thrower slipped on a banana peel that was left on the ground. Thrower Tero Pitkamaki let the javelin go as he fell. The spear travel 171 feet before lodging into Sdiri's right side.

Sdiri was heard to say, "Who the f%^& threw the f$%^ing javelin at me?" Pitkamaki ran away and hid outside the stadium. Sdiri's family was extremely upset with Pitkamaki and Sdiri's mother then picked up a shot put and clobbered Pitkamaki's mother over the head.

Sdiri's mother said, "That almost hit his little ding-ding and then I wouldn't have ever been a grandmother." Pitkamaki's mother regained consciousness and then quickly went after a man eating a banana. She screamed that, "People who throw banana peels on the ground should be castrated," and proceeded to try and remove the man's testicles with a javelin.

Police intervened and settled everyone down and later everyone shook hands and said they were sorry in Finnish. "I'm Finnish," said one man. Another man responded, "Then get out of the bathroom." Another man said, "Finnish jokes are really overdone."

Watch out for these old bastards with a javelin. They have no aim and you could end being castrated by accident.

New York, NY -- Gary Sheffield has some strong language about his former Yankee team and slugger Barry Bonds in an interview with HBO's "Real Sports" that will air this coming week.

Sheffield says that manager Joe Torre treats black players differently than white players. "I used to offer him my shampoo in the shower room and he'd say, 'Thanks Gary but I don't need shampoo.'" Sheffield said, "That's some racist shit." Torre for his part denied the allegations when asked about the shampoo incident. "I don't have hair," said Torre, "and most of the time I can use a washcloth to clean my head."

Sheffield took a shot at Bonds by saying, "If I took what Barry took, why don't I look like him?" He also says, "I ain't taking no steroids cause the bottom line is that someone is sticking something in your butt and I ain't letting no one stick something in my butt except like if I'm in prison and like I ain't had a woman in like five years or something and I got like a life sentence and I probably ain't gonna see a woman again, like then I'd let someone stick something in my butt but only if I could put something in their butt first."

In the interview Sheffield also said that Derek Jeter never orders a chocolate milk shake at Dairy Queen. "He always gets a black and white shake so he's a racist too."

The black and white shake at Dairy Queen is a delicious treat and a good value but it is not helping race relations in this country.

Indianapolis, IN -- The Indianapolis Colts signed their franchise player Dwight Freeney to a record six-year, $72 million dollar contract which makes him the highest paid defensive player in NFL history.

Moments after signing took place Colts general manager Bill Polian said, "Actually we don't have $72 million dollars, we're going to have to ask for help." Immediately Polian reached out across the world asking nations to join in to assist with this important cause. Polian said, "So many people around the world have so much to be thankful for. We think if people look into their hearts, they can find a little compassion and send the Colts whatever they can afford."

Freeney registered 56 1/2 sacks during his first five seasons and forced 27 fumbles during his career. Polian added, "You can see from his production that he is a worthwhile cause. Lots of countries throw money away on lots of ridiculous things like tsunami relief but with Dwight, you can see exactly where your money goes."

Jacques Duvalier, a Haitian official said, "Damn right that we need to help the Indianapolis Colts in an emergency situation like this. Haiti pledges whatever it needs to keep the Colts solvent." Polian added, "I'm very gratified by the response we've received. We're going to be able to get by without a bake sale."

President Bush committed food and supplies to the Indianapolis Colts. He said at a press conference, "Americans are a compassionate people and we're gonna see Indianapolis through these hard times."

*(every once in awhile we feel a responsibility to bring you late breaking news that is a radical departure from the slop you might be accustomed to on this sophomoric, juvenile news source)

Washington, DC -- President Bush announced yesterday that the war in Iraq is going "very well, and in fact those terrorist are going to be sorry when they find out the next thing up my sleeve."

The President was referring to the latest addition to the counter-insurgency effort. "We're throwing the 'Dirty Dozen' at 'em," said Bush. The 'Dirty Dozen' is an elite, highly nimble but ruthless fighting machine consisting of twelve women. Bush added, "These gals are gonna make the Iraqis scream for democracy," chuckled Bush. "And," he said, "when the Iraqis get around to getting serious about freedom then I'll bring the girls home."

Special Forces member, Sgt. Babs Frickerson said, "We plan on use cleavage and ass to straighten out these Iraqis and there ain't no pun intended." Already the strategy seems to be working. Army generals say there are a lot less Iraqis on the streets and observers say for the first time since the war began, "the Iraqi people know we're serious about kicking their asses."

Oklahoma City, OK -- The University of Oklahoma must erase its wins from the 2005 season and face a host of other sanctions as penalty for what the NCAA says "being low down nasty cheatin okies from Muskogee."

An NCAA official described the investigation as routine stating that, "We knew they was cheatin okies, it just took us a long time to find 'Muskogee." It ain't on the damn map."

Two players, including the Sooners' starting quarterback, were paid for work they had not performed at a Norman car dealership. Myles Brand, the NCAA president said, "It's bad enough you got mechanics charging a $100 bucks an hour but
I get billed for lube job that Rhett Bomar swore to me he did." Bomar never did a lube job but said in his own defense, "I couldn't send Mr. Brand a bill for running the '32 Option Pass Right' so I just said I did the lube job."

Now the school must erase its wins. Oklahoma President Brian Bosworth said, "Where the dang heck are we gonna get an eraser big enough to erase 8 wins? And how do you erase'em anyways?"

San Francisco, CA -- Manager Tony LaRussa was arrested shortly after last night's All-Star Game for apparently "coaching under the influence."

LaRussa, who has had some run-ins with the law around issues of drinking and driving, seemed "disoriented, bored, and possessing poor judgement." A complaint was filed by San Francisco police after LaRussa withheld his own star player, Albert Pujols (pronounced Pew-Jewels), at a key moment in the game.

Pujols was clearly angry and accused LaRussa of CUI. "I say give him a breath-a-lyzer and see why he would bat Aaron Rowand in front of me." LaRussa staggered somewhat but said, "I'm only staggering because I need a doctor to cure my All-Star boredom." LaRussa added, "Can we do something to spice up this stupid game. At least can we get a few strippers in the dugout?"

LaRussa's parting shot to Pujols was, "Tell Pu-Jaw that I said he was a Pu-See!"

Los Angeles, CA -- International soccer star and multi-million dollar Los Angeles Galaxy player David Beckham just realized yesterday that "I married a Spice Girl."

Beckham told reporters that "I'm dazed and confused and I'm wondering what possessed me to marry someone named Posh." In addition Beckham said, "I looked in the mirror and I realized that I'm better looking than my wife." Beckham explained that his wife hid her background from him for years but he became suspicious "all the damn woman ever sang was, 'tell me what you want what you really really want.'" He continued, "I told her what I really wanted but she's not been able to give it to me."

Insiders say that the MLS saviour has been irritable of late because, "My wife knows nothing of spices. She couldn't tell rosemary from parsley and sage." Beckham screamed "I want some curried chicken that's what I really really want and she's never cooked with curry." "And those goddamn friends of her, Scarey, Baby, and Sporty don't know much about spices either."

New York, NY -- The NFL's "Join the Team," platform was announced yesterday. The program encourages people across American to unite with NFL players and coaches to make a difference by giving back to communities.

"The Team" is a "call to actions" and a way for people to come together and teach kids across the country. Child psychologist Benjamin Spicker said, "What better way to have kids develop than under the watchful eye of NFL players?"

One flagship program in the JTT banner is "Get Yourself a Gun." "Kids just love this program," said former Bears defensive lineman Tank Johnson. "It's important for a kid to know that if you've got a lot of money, you need a gun for your own ass."

"Drink, Drive, and Get Pulled Over," a local Cinncinnati Bengal initiative has been an overwhelming success according to Bengal Chris Henry. "When you drink and drive, you gots to have good balance so you can walk a straight line."

"We're making a difference," said commissioner Roger Goddell, "one felony at a time."

Through the program, kids learn valuable skills like, who to call when you beat your spouse.

San Francisco, CA -- In an effort to challenge the popular perceptions of slugger Barry Bonds, the home run hitter has embarked on a series of socials where fans can "just chill and get to know the real Barry."

At a nearby hotel during yesterday's homerun derby, Bonds hosted a "high tea," where fans were able to stop by and join Bonds for "tea and cakes and just chill with Barry."

"I'm the nicest person I ever met," said Bonds, "and if the fans don't agree then they should just shut the f%^& up." Three fans took Bonds up on the offer. One fan said, "There were a lot of cakes leftover and with just three of us there, I ate too much. And Barry is a steroid taking cheat." A second fan said, "Yes, Barry is a very nice guy and I would have tea with a steroid taking cheat any day of the week as long as he was paying."

Bonds said, "See, even if I pay fans I can't seem to change their minds about my steroid taking cheating."

Nashville, TN -- Prosecutors are eyeing criminal charges against New England Patriots wide receiver Randy Moss.

Moss, allegedly posed as a Tennessee state trooper and stopped a porn star on a routine traffic stop. After that the story gets a little murky but Moss is accused of having sex with the porn star after he found drugs in her car.

Prosecutors said that they plan to seek an indictment that charges Moss with official misconduct, destroying evidence, and perhaps sexual battery. Patriots coach Bill Belechick said, "Hey, where can I buy some sexual batteries? I just hope we get Randy in camp on time cause our offense is a bitch to figure out."

Moss was unavailable for comment but people close to the investigation said the Moss was very cleverly disguised as a white, Tennessean state trooper. One witness said, "Randy Moss as a blonde blue eyed copper? Very clever indeed."

Trooper Randy Moss, without his trademark Afro, fooled a lot of people and most importantly, the porn star.

Chicago, IL -- Chicago White Sox pitcher Mark Buehrle is demanding an immediate trade from the team effective today.

Buehrle's agent, Jeff Berry said, "Mark is tired of being picked on by players and wants to go to a nicer team." Berry was referring to the fact that Buehrle is regularly bullied by fellow players and in particular, his manager Ozzie Guillen. Berry explained that "every game the players hide Mark's cup leaving him unprotected while he's on the mound."

Guillen said, "I love to see someone get clipped in the svantz when not wearing a cup."

However, the bullying climaxed the other evening when manager Ozzie Guillen would not allow Buehrle to take a shower in the locker room. Guillen said in Spanish something about being grossed out when he sees an uncircumcised penis in the shower room. Buehrle accused Guillen of prejudice against uncircumcised men.

With Guillen's permission, players dumped cans of soda on Buehrle making him, "very sticky." Buehrle explained that, "I was a magnet for every bee in Chicago and was stung over 347 times." Buehrle said, "This is not the first time this has happened and I'm tired of all these goddamn bee stings."

Milwaukee, WI -- Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig said today that he wants Congress to focus their investigative powers on the NASA.

"I don't know why everyone is picking on Major League Baseball when we've got a huge a-steroid program in space," said Selig. "What about all these a-steroids floating around in space? How come nobody is stepping in to see who's behind that?" asked a upset Selig. "It's a goddamn double standard," said Giants rightfielder Barry Bonds.

Selig added that he felt Bonds was being unfairly treated by fans and "these astronauts with their a-steroids are getting a free ticket." "It's a goddamn American tragedy, that's what the hell it is," screamed Selig.

One astronaut commented, "A-steroids are a problem. There very big in space and if you go in space you're going to run into them because they're hard to avoid." "We need to tell our kids," continued the astronaut, "to stay away from a-steroids."

Las Vegas, NV -- The main event of the World Series of Poker has been delayed indefinitely due to a large player walkout.

Organizers say that the event which had over 8000 players last year is struggling to find ten players for this year's tourney. The fall off in numbers is due to the large protest by players throughout the country over the use of regular, old playing cards. Players say they want those special "nudie backed cards," or else they don't play.

Last year's runner-up Odan Gregori said, "You'd think they'd at least use the nudie cards. Poker without nudie card is like Preparation H with hemmorroids."

Thousands of protestors walked the streets of Vegas shouting slogans and demanding nudie cards. One protestor said, "A two of clubs is a pretty goddamn boring card. But a two of clubs with a naked Playmate on it, can keep me entertained for hours."

Los Angeles, CA -- "Winona Ryder doesn't pay for anything," so concludes Jockweb's investigative reporter Thad Thadingham. Thadingham followed Ryder for two years in part of an on-going undercover assignment looking into whether or not Hollywood celebrities are paying for souvenir merchandise.

"I'm sure she doesn't have a receipt for that Dodgers hat," writes Thadingham. "And I'll bet she didn't pay for that cool Dodgers baseball jersey that she's wearing," he continues. Thadingham writes that Ryder is very clever in her kleptomania. His report says, "She usually makes her way up to a counter and waits for someone to say, 'Hey aren't you the movie star Winona Ryder?' and then when the clerk is nice and relaxed, she pockets as much merchandise as she can fit in her pockets."

Ryder denies wearing any stolen merchandise but does admit, "I get tempted really bad whenever I'm at a Dick's Sporting Goods store. They've got really good shit but it's kind of pricey, so you want to think theft." Ryder added, "When stealing it is important to have the money for a really good Hollywood lawyer" because she said, "I would have never thought up that klepto defense on my own."

Bethesda, MD -- Tiger Woods was forced to withdraw from the first round of the AT&T National at the Congressional Country Club after his wife demanded that he "stop playing so much goddamn golf."

Elin Woods, who gave birth a few weeks ago to the couple first little girl, supposedly told Tiger, "If you think I'm staying home all day taking care of this kid while you're out playing golf, you've got another thing coming, Mister." Woods told reporters that "I've had to be creative in sneaking out to the course."

Woods explained that he told his wife that he was going to be out for the afternoon donating blood to the Red Cross. "She bought it," said Woods, "and I was able to get about thirteen holes in before she called on the cell phone." Spectators near by could hear Mrs. Woods screaming at her husband saying things like, "I never have any time for myself," and "you try nursing a kid all day long."

Woods left the tournament but told officials that "no woman is going to tell me if I can or cannot play golf." "And," he added, "if I want, I'll even play gin in the clubhouse after my round."

Woods said, "If I want to play cards with my friends, I'm playing cards with my friends."

Phoenix, AZ -- Hockey great Wayne Gretzky announced today that he will hire private investigators to answer the question, "What happened to his wife?"

A confused Gretzky said, "I swear to God, just a few months ago I had the hottest wife on the planet. I don't know what went wrong." The all-time leading NHL scorer added, "I'm offering a reward to anyone who can tell me what happened to her?"

Dr. Herbert Heine explained, "Oftentimes really hot wives turn out to be, well not so hot wives anymore and sadly no one knows why." Heine said, "Until medical science can wraps its' hands around this problem, we're going to continue to see really hot women become not so hot women."

Gretzky through tears asked, "Could gambling have done this?" Heine said, "Sometimes if you hang around slot machines you'll see a lot of old women who claim they were once hot but are now old and broke. There could be a correlation."

Heine issued a stern warning to Pamela Anderson to, "immediately give up all gaming, don't even watch poker on television."

Seattle, WA -- The Seattle Super Sonics announced that they have hired Spurs assistant P.J. Carlesimo as their next head coach replacing the fired Bob Hill.

Carlesimo has been an assistant for the last five years to Spurs coach Greg Popovich and before that he has had stints as a head coach in Portland and Golden State. Carlesimo's intense, in-your face style should quickly win him friends among the laid back Sonics.

The former Seton Hall coach is remembered for his now infamous run-in with his then star at Golden State Latrell Sprewell. Sprewell could not be reached for comment about the Sonics hire because he was extremely busy choking his mailman. Sprewell explained that, "I didn't like the tone in which the mailman was delivering my mail." He added, "I told the dude to put a little mustard into the delivery."

An argument ensued between Sprewell and the mailman and Sprewell said, "I just had to choke him." The mailman said later, "It's just Latrell being Latrell. It's nothing personal and believe me, I'll put some spring in my step delivering the mail from now on."

Sprewell later said, "Choking is really a good way to get your point across. For some reason when their eyes begin to bulge out, they really get what you're trying to say." Carlesimo agreed, "Latrell can be very emphatic when making a point."

This mailman had a short but firm message to all dogs on his route, "Back off or you're gonna find your way onto a menu."

Washington, DC -- In a surprise move, President George Bush issued executive pardons for White House staffer Scooter Libby and Tennessee Titans defensive back Pacman Jones.

The President said at a news conference, "Enough is enough. This country needs Scooter and Pacman." He added, "I'm not sure why but I love saying Scooter and Pacman. Sounds neato, doesn't it?"

Vice President Cheney said he would welcome both Libby and Jones back to the White House and said, "They'll always be a part of this administration." Cheney told reporters that he, Libby, and Jones "are gonna hit some clubs, do some weed, and grab booty." Cheney added, "I love booty and Pac knows where to find it."

Jones said, "I'm grateful to President Bush and I can only say I'm grateful for being a Republican. Now who's talking booty?"

Milwaukee, WI -- A record number of illegal Chinese immigrants arrived in Milwaukee yesterday in response to Yi Jialian's agent's concern about the size of Milwaukee's Asian market.

Yi, the Bucks' top draft pick, wanted to be traded to another team because he said, "Who the hell wants to go to Milwaukee?" His agent Zhao Gang told the official China Communist newspaper, "This is good old fashion Communism in action. We hold out for big, big greenbacks."

Some of the new arriving Chinese complained saying things like, "It cold here" and "Where the Wauk is Milfukkee?"

However, now everything has changed. A Bucks' spokesperson said, "It was tough getting all of these boat people to Milwaukee but we hope he's happy now." He added, "Parking all those boats in Milwaukee was a bitch."

President Bush said that he would ask Congress to enact emergency legislation to allow the 2 million Chinese to stay in Milwaukee until "the ink dries on the contract and then we'll round them up and send them to Mississippi." Bush joked, "I don't think there's too many good Chinese restaurants in Mississippi."

Chicago, IL -- 9th round draft pick Lisa Bonet told the Chicago Bulls that she will not be suiting up in 2007-08.

Bonet said, "I'd love to play for the Bulls but I got offered a part in a sleazy movie with Mickey Rourke as my co-star." Bonet, who has grown to 6'11" since her days on the "Cosby" show finished an outstanding career at the University of Florida. One scout said, "She brings a defensive intensity to every game and she's a hot little vixen."

The Bulls were hoping the pairing of Bonet and Ben Wallace would be enough to get the Bulls past the Pistons in the playoffs. Wallace said, "I like her hair and I was looking forward to sharing accessories with her."

Mickey Rourke commented, "I can't believe people still remember me. What year is it?"

Seattle, WA -- Mike Hargrove, the manager of the Seattle Mariners abruptly resigned this weekend and then said, "I'm as confused as anyone as to why I quit."

Hargrove walked out of the dugout on Sunday because, "I just felt like going to Starbucks for a double mocha latte'." "When I got there I saw lots of cool people sitting there on their laptops so I figured I would too. Gee, I never noticed that there are a lot of Starbucks in Seattle."

The Mariners extended their winning streak to eight games by beating Toronto 2-1 but Hargrove won't be back. "I have no passion for baseball," explained Hargrove. "Let's face it, this is a stupid, boring game and I've been bored to tears for 37 years. I want to live! I want to do proctology!"

In his press conference afterwards, Hargrove said, "There are no dark, sinister reasons for this decision except that I want more time to pursue ologies. Like scientology and scantology (the study of scantiness). I don't expect people to understand it, I really don't, because I don't understand me. No one understands me. I think I lack understanding as well as those who try and understand me but are frustrated with their own lack of understanding about their own lack of understanding."

Immediately it became clear that years in baseball have made Hargrove stupid, boring, and a plain idiot. "This is what makes a great baseball man," said veteran baseball announcer Peter Gammons. "The ability to say nothing about nothing is what make Mike Hargrove, Mike Hargrove and he'll surely be missed," added Gammons.

Coney Island, NY -- Takeru Kobayashi announced that he will defend his sixth consecutive titles at the Nathan's famous hot dog eating contest on July 4 at Coney Island.

Kobayashi has been suffering from lockjaw after stepping on a rusty nail. He said through clenched teeth, "I use to think that was some bullshit thing my mother made up but no more. Lockjaw is very real." Fortunately for the competitive eater, mechanics have been able to use a Craftsman floor jack to pry open Kobayashi's mouth.

"His jaw was locked tighter than a Ron Artest pit bull," said Duke Fuqua, a veteran jackhammer operator. After a crew of ten was able to release Kobayashi's jaw, his trainer jammed 35 1/2 kosher dogs into his mouth cutting off his air circulation.

His girlfriend said, "You ought to see the hickey he gave me. He must of sucked five pints of blood out of me."

"I'm ready," he gasped before passing out. Later Kobayashi lay covered in kraut and mustard where the strong odor cleared the nosy spectators.

Chicago, IL -- Oprah took one step closer to her goal to become "Omnipotent, All-Present Supreme Being," by agreeing to have the new Oprah store become the official outfitter for the NFL.

The NFL office said it would cut ties with global sportswear firm Adidas and shift their clothing contract to the popular television host's brand. Teams will now wear uniforms, shirts, sweats, and pants with the classic "O" for Oprah.

"We're taking the two biggest brands in the world the NFL and Oprah and merging them into one ass kicking identity," say Winfrey. In addition Oprah explained that the contract calls for her helping counsel fallen players on her show. This week Pac Man Jones will confess to Oprah that he has been to her strip club and Oprah will forgive him and re-instate him to the NFL.

"It's going to be a tear jerker," said Roger Goodall, NFL commissioner. "After Pac Man, we plan to have Oprah baptize the entire Cincinnati Bengal franchise in the River Jordan," he added.

New York, NY -- Woody Paige the ESPN commentator and panelist on the morning show "Cold Pizza," has filed a complaint alleging that he was sexually harassed by fellow panelist Skip Bayless.

In papers filed with New York's "illegal nookie" court, lawyers for Paige say that the 60-plus-old Paige "was continually, grabbed, groped, and fondled by Bayless." The complaint states that, "Bayless created a hostile work environment and that often times drooled on Paige's clothing."

Bayless, for his part, responded by saying, "Don't you think the name 'Woody' is a sort of come on line?" He added, "What's a little grab ass between guys on the set?"

Paige, who has been undergoing counseling for "IMBG (I MIGHT BE GAY) syndrome," has been acting out in a similar fashion grabbing any female intern's ass he can reach. Several interns have complained that they "don't mind helping Paige out but he'd be better off just admitting to his relationship with Bayless."

Bayless submitted a pair of Paige's boxers as proof that the activity was consensual.

New York, NY -- No one was surprised that the Portland Trailblazers selected Ohio State center Greg Oden as the first overall selection of the 2007 NBA draft but Oden himself was lost.

Oden said, "I'm sure the people of Portland are nice but I'm allergic to lobster and that's all those folks eat." However, Oden said, "I'll make the best of it and I've even been practicing my Maine accent."

The residents of Portland, Maine took to the streets in celebration when they learned that the Blazers selected Oden. Cars honked, firecrackers exploded, and lobsters were cracked. However, the mayor of Portland put an end to the whole celebration when he announced to the citizens that, "we don't have a basketball team, that's the other Portland."

Oden, himself was disappointed with the news. "Shit, I already put a deposit down on a house," said the dejected 7-footer. Several Portland residents committed suicide when they realized that they never lived in Oregon. One resident commented, "Yeah, we've got to do a better job teaching geography."

New York, NY -- Boston Celtics GM Danny Ainge almost pulled off a three team blockbuster deal with the Portland Trailblazers that would have brought the coveted number one pick Greg Oden to Beantown.

Ainge promised the Blazers forward Al Jefferson, guard Delonte West, all of the Celtics draft picks for the next ten years, and a surprise number 95. A Portland spokesperson said, "I've got to tell you, this surprise 95 really piqued our interest." Later it was revealed that the surprise 95 was cheerleader Jennifer Pickles.

Pickles was cut from an earlier cheerleader audition and Ainge was caught red handed trying to pass on damaged goods. "Pickles could never make it in Portland," said one Portland assistant. "Pickles is just a journey women's cheerleader," said coach Nate McMillen. "She's done nothing in any city she's ever cheered in, plus she's got bad wheels," added McMillan.

One anonymous NBA scout said, "What Ainge has tried to do is both deceptive yet brilliant." Pickles said through her agent, "I've got hops left in these chubbies, I just need someone to believe in me."

Pickles (Number 95) said, "Ok, so I'm addicted to Choco Tacos, I can still cheer my ass off."

Wimbledon, England -- The usually conservative Wimbledon Tennis Championships took an about left-turn yesterday when they suddenly announced a relaxation of the "all-white" dress code.

Known for it's traditional stance on tennis clothing, one official said, "It's time we see some ass." One referee explained that, "I sit in that chair all day call out of bounds, and I want look out of bounds if you catch my drift."

Tatiana Golovin came to half-court with a laced teddy and beat Taiwan's Hsied Su-Wei 5-7, 6-3, 8-6. Golovin said, "I'll never wear underwear again. You want color, I'll give you color." After the match Golovin removed her teddy to reveal sequined pasties on her breasts and provided the crowd with a complete 7 minute bump and grind to the music of Joe Cocker's "You Can Leave Your Hat On."

One referee commented, "Tennis with just a hat on, this isn't you Mummy's England."

Las Vegas, NV -- Lawyers for suspended NFL player Pacman Jones announced that they will stage the infamous "foot fetish" defense when Jones appears in court for biting a bouncer on the foot.

Jones is being sue by a club bouncer for biting the man in the ankle during a melee in a strip club during the NBA All-Star weekend last winter in Vegas. Lawyer T.A. Tinactin said, "It's clear that Pacman has a thing for feet. He loves sniffing socks and he go the name Pacman goobling up other people's toes." Tinactin added, "It's a long shot that such a bullshit story would work, but hey after O.J., you can try anything."

Jones initially asked "What the f%&^ is a foot fetish?" After being briefed by his lawyers about the classic but seldom used "foot fetish" defense, Jones commented, "You damn right I like feet. Gimme some toes to suck on. Shit, I want some toes. Can I still suck on toes if I'm suspended?"

Now who the hell ever came up with that idea of sucking toes. This is one sick f%^&ing world.

Phoenix, AZ -- Arizona Cardinals quarterback Matt Leinert has been seen keeping company with a 10-year-old fan. Leinert said, "I went to USC on a football scholarship so Wendy is probably a bit ahead of me academically." Leinert was referring to his new squeeze, young Wendy Friebourg.

"We met at Cardinals Day Camp and we just hit it off," explained Leinert. "It's like she knew I had the brain of ten year old," smiled Leinert.

Wendy said, "Matt's just a big, lug of a football player and we have lots of fun playing silly football games like "Count to 10 After A Concussion." She added, "Matt has a pretty hard time counting to 10 without a concussion but he's a big ga-lute and I love him."

Leinert denied that age was a factor. "Hey, how about that 40-year-old track coach marrying that 16-year-old last week? Come on, age is only a state of mine." After Leinert was reminded the expression is "state of mind," he said, I didn't know there was a state of mind. Is is near California?"

Boca Futon, FL -- Caddy Steve Williams thought he had the all-time dream job caddying for the number one player in the world, Tiger Woods. That was until Woods and his wife gave birth to a new baby girl last week.

"Since the baby has been born, all it ever is is 'Steve get this, Steve get that,'" said Williams. Williams explained that the future hall of fame golfer cannot bear to get near a dirty diaper. Williams explained, "I have to go through each room and pace off yardage from where Tiger stands to the dirty diaper." "And if that's not enough," he continued, "I've got to know exactly which way the wind is blowing."

Woods said, "Sometimes when you're a caddy, you've got to suck it up." Woods went on to say, "No one likes to rake traps either but I expect a lot from my caddy."

However, Williams said he would put his foot down if Tiger expects him to get up in the middle of the night. "That's what Elin is for," Williams added.

Laguna Beach, CA -- If you think Major League Baseball is the only place touched by a steroid scandal, think again. Organizers for the Women's World Professional Beach Volleyball league announced that, "Steroids are rampant in our sport."

Normally, a spectator can count on beach volleyball players being sleek, sexy, and wearing tight, revealing bikinis while jumping up in down. "It's my favorite thing to watch," said Jockweb's Fred Collingdale. Collingdale, a longtime time Jockweb employee, has become obsessed with beach volleyball because he says, "I don't have to use a credit card to look at T & A."

However, sources close to the league say that steroid use is rampant and what were once supple, curvy spikers are now "hairy, muscular, disgusting excuses for women."

Collingdale said in a phone conversation, "You don't want to get too close to one of these gals or you have a tendency to throw up. Maybe it's time for me to go back to the internet for all my gratification needs."

League director Milli Vanilli said, "George Mitchell doesn't know how good he has it questioning Jason Giambi."

Six months ago, this gal was hot and sexy. Look what performance enhancement drugs can do.

New York, NY -- The New York Islanders shocked the hockey world when they made supermodel Christie Brinkley their number one draft pick.

Brinkley admittedly has no hockey experience but said, "Seriously, does anyone really care if I'd played hockey before." "But," she added, "I don't think anyone can disagree how well I can fill a uniform."

Season ticket sale exploded immediately after the pick was announced. One longtime Islanders fan exclaimed, "Finally someone on our team has all their teeth." An Islanders spokesperson defended the pick by saying, "We're going to skate out on the ice, the other team's jaws will drop, we score goals."

Brinkley said the only drawback about being an Islanders pick is that, "I'll probably have to see that little ex-husband of mine more than I'd like." Brinkley was referring to rock legend Billy Joel to whom she was married to for a short time before she realized he was short and bald.

South Brunswick, NC -- In what could be described as just another day in North Carolina, 16 year-old Windy Hager married her track coach, 40 year-old Brenton Wuchae.

"Gee I finally gots me a woman," smiled Wuchae. "Gee I only asked about a dozen thousand," he said.

Hager asked, "Can you believe I married such an old bastard?" "If all goes well," she added, "he'll be dead by the time I'm 30 and he's got a sweet 401 K."

Betty Hager, Windy's mother asked, "Can you believe I'm only 25 and I got me a 40 year-old feller for a son-in-law?" Mrs. Hager said, "I tell you one thing, I ain't packin' Windy's lunch no more." Windy's dad, Denis asked, "What the f%^& is going on here, my little baby married an old fart." He then breathed a sigh and said, "I guess I oughta be grateful they waited. If we was in West Virginia, Windy would have been married off at 8 years-old."

Windy smiled and said, "I can't wait to give Brenton breakfast in bed. He's gonna love my Pop Tarts and Tang."

Wuchae said he asked Hager to marry him after he was spurned by shot putter Hilga Waxman.

Knoxville, TN -- Tennessee Volunteer cheerleader Becky Sue Dobbs continues to defy the odds and overwhelm doctors with her miraculous recovery from a serious cheerleading injury that occurred in October, 2006.

Dobbs broke over 180 bones of her 206 when she was thrown by fellow students from the upper level of the Volunteer Stadium. Several students were "just bugged shitless" by Dobbs extreme "peppiness." The students threw Dobbs and though she was able to do 14 somersaults in the air, she landed in an awkward fashion breaking "just about everything but my big toe."

Doctors said Dobbs "would never cheer again," yet Dobbs was able to scream her first "s" in six months. "I'm the second 's' in Tennessee," she explained as she screamed "give me another 'S'!" Her cheerleading coach said, "Becky Sue hasn't lost an octave and she has maintained her pep under the most extreme circumstances." She added, "Certainly being thrown from the stands by fellow students is every cheerleaders worst nightmare but nothing stops Becky Sue from being peppy."

Becky Sue Dobbs right before hitting the ground after she was tossed from the upper levels of the stadium.

Dallas, TX -- Comedian Jeff Foxworthy finally got to experience his life long ambition of showering with the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders.

The affable humorist, who specializes in jokes about redneck stereotypes, fooled the entire city of Dallas, Texas when it was revealed that he spent the entire 2006 season as a Cowboy cheerleader.

Despite his moustache and hairy legs, Foxworthy cheered without anyone detecting he was a dude. "Wow, he's not really a dude?" asked Mindy Fluffer, a blonde bombshell who cheered right next to Foxworthy. "And do you know how many times she (he) asked me to wash his back?" she asked.

Foxworthy said he was only exercising every American male's secret fantasy and that is to shower with the entire Dallas cheerleading squad. Owner Jerry Jones said, "I've got to give him credit. I'm the owner of the team and they haven't let me shower with them."

Carnoustie, Scotland -- The royal groundskeeper for the royal course, Royal Carnoustie had his royal ass suspended after an argument with a teen apprentice.

The 16-year-old ,Tavis MacDumgall, was taking a cigarette break with a few female friends when greenskeeper, the legendary John Philip, took exception to the teen having his nipples sucked. Philip explained, "It was a cigarette break, not a nipple sucking break and besides, the kid's hormones are so ragin' he can't cut a lick of grass on the account of his huge non-stop erection."

MacDumgall just smiled and said, "Eat your heart out! A 59-year-old Scotsman ain't getting his tartan skirt lifted too often, that's for sure." Philip is known for his exceedingly difficult obstacles that he puts into the course before an Open Championship.

One golf professional said, "I think Philip needs to have his nipples sucked and perhaps the course would play easier." Philip said, "Is there a connection about my lack of hoochie coochie and the difficulty of the course? All I can say, is that me old tartan skirt hasn't been lifted in years and I'm a bitter old horny Scotsman and all I've got is a golf course." Several players volunteered to suck Philip's nipples if he would keep the rough to a reasonable level.

Greenskeeper apprentice Tavis MacDumgall durng a cigarette break at the Royal Carnoustie Club.

Lima, PERU -- Archaeologists have discovered a 16th century Inca skeleton with a hole punched through its skull which researchers say is the earliest evidence of a gunshot wound in the Americas.

The victim was apparently shot outside what is thought to be an Inca strip club, raising questions as to whether or not Tennessee Titans defensive back PacMan Jones was involved.

Police said there are no witnesses and that Jones has a strong alibi but suspicion still surrounds the troubled NFL player. Jones has had a history of being around gun firings at strip clubs so archaeologists are demanding police question Jones. Dr. Sidney Siegfried of Oxford University said, "If Jones didn't shoot the gun then he knows who did. And I say he should get suspended the full sixteen games next season."

Jones in his defense said, "I don't know no Incas. I dated a girl named Inca once, roughed her up a bit, but I didn't shoot her."

A seedy 16th century Inca neighborhood where the alleged shooting at a strip club took place.

Miami, FL -- In what could be a "Pulitizer Prize" winning photograph, Jockweb veteran photographer Connie Stipation captured a breathtaking shot of Florida Marlin Miguel Cabrera being struck by lightning.

Stipation said, "It was a very small bolt of lightning that the human eye couldn't pick up but I was able to with my CVS disposable camera." He added, "These cameras are just great. $8.98 and that includes development."

Cabrera was unaware that he was struck by lightning and when informed he exclaimed, "Ay carumba." Later he joked that all Hispanics just let out "Ay carumba" because, "gringos think it's like a cute Desi Arnez thing."

Provo, UT -- A star runner at Brigham Young University was arrested after getting out of his car and striking a pedestrian with a mop.

Kyle Perry, a 1500 meter champion from the Mountain West Conference, was driving his car when a man pushing a bucket with mops across the street got too close to him. Witnesses say that angry words were exchanged. The man pushing the bucket is known throughout Utah as "being that nut that pushes the bucket with mops across the street."

Perry told police, "It pisses me off when there are nuts pushing a bucket with mops across the street." The man apparently was annoyed when Perry suggested the man "not only mop the street but wax them too." An argument ensued when the man said to Perry, "Being a nut with a bucket and mops and cleaning all the streets of Utah while talking to myself is tough enough and now you want me to wax on top of that? Christ, then I'll really be nuts."

Evidently Perry became incensed because he said, "Shit, if you're a nut and you walking around with a bucket and mops and you're cleaning the streets of Utah, why not wax on top of that? Jees, you've got all the equipment out, so why be so lazy?"

The two men beat each other senseless with mops until the police showed up. BYU cross country coach Ed Eyesore told reporters, "I'm sick of these homeless nuts with buckets and mops not finishing the job. I'm glad Kyle showed the world, cross country guys are not afraid to take matters into their own hands."

Green Bay, WI -- Green Bay Packers quarterback Brett Favre said yesterday that "I can't wait for camp to start."

Favre kept fans on and off their seats with his wavering about returning for his 38th season as a NFL quarterback but said, "This could be my year." "I know who I am now," said Favre, "and I realize that the players look up to me."

Favre's wife said that she couldn't wait until he left for camp. "When Brett has time on his hands, he can get into mischief." Mrs. Favre was referring to Brett's penchant for dressing like a woman and parading around the back woods of Mississippi. "You'd be surprised how many men in Mississippi like to dress as women," she explained.

Mississippi has long been known as the home of trans-gendered athletes. "We just love trans-gendered people in Mississippi," said Bobby Ray Raye. "We just so proud of our history of tolerance for individuality and Brett signifies that tolerance more than anyone, and in addition, he looks really good with a stuffed bra." added Raye.

Lexington, KY -- Preakness winner Curlin can now add law enforcement to his list of accomplishments. The three-year old horse helped the FBI in a case involving his owners.

Two of Curlin's owners, Shirley Cunningham Jr. and Williams Gallion were indicted on Thursday by a federal grand jury for allegedly conspiring to defraud clients in a $200-million dollar lawsuit. The lawyers face the possibility of 20 years in prison and a $250,000 fine. They would also be required to forfeit about $65-million from a settlement with the maker of diet drug fen-phen.

FBI agents used Curlin as an informant wearing a wire and capturing damaging conversations among his owners. "Curlin performed like a pro," said one agent. "We had a hard time figuring where to hide the wire but thank god horses are well-endowed," he explained.

Curlin's trainer Bilky Moore said, "There were some tense moments but Curlin never let on he was wired." He added, "When racing is over for him, he could either stud or work full-time for the government or stud for the government."

Las Vegas, NV -- If it seems like Mike Tyson never goes away that is because Mike Tyson never goes away. Tyson has signed on to fight veteran wrestling legend "Incognito" while Tyson himself dresses as "Incognito."

Sherm Sheckstein, wrestling promoter and cousin of Jockweb CEO Shecky Sheckstein, came up with the idea while high on limocello and angel dust. He exclaimed "Wow, was I f^&*ed up or what? But why not Mike Tyson dressed as 'Incognito' fighting 'Incognito'? It's as close as we're gonna get to Laila Ali fighting her father."

Tyson, who owes the IRS 45 billion dollars, said, "Alright already, do you have to remind me?" He added a song, "Regrets, I've had a few and then again too few to mention. I did it my way. For what is a man, what has he got, if not himself then he has not and through it all when there was doubt, I ate it up and spit it out. No scratch that. That was Evander Holyfield's ear I spit out."

Sheckstein commented, "Not a bad voice for a washed up, aging bankrupt felon, heh?"

$2750 for a ringside seat? Could be as exciting as a Andrew Golata hernia examination.

Syracuse, NY -- The new Syracuse franchise of the American Basketball Association was forced to drop it's nickname "Bullies," because it suggests the image of playground ruffians.

"More politically correct horseshit," screamed team executive Sammy Phist. "We were gonna call them the Syracuse Ass Kickin Mothers F$W%ers but we thought Bullies would be easier to get on a shirt."

Ralph Limp, a spokesperson for the national group, "We're Always Getting the Shit Kicked Out of Us," said, "There is evidence that the names of sports franchises influence behavior." Limp explained that fans emulate and try to become the name of their favorite franchise. "Like look at Notre Dame. Fighting Irish? Need I say more? Or how about 76ers or Lakers? See how words can really hurt?"

Bully Bobby Glands said, "As a bully I take offense. Whoever stands up for a bully? We have feelings too you know."

Psychologist Dr. Phil McGraw says that, "Bullies beat the shit out of me but who's making big money on TV now, talking about what? Bullies!"

Phist said, "We're confident no one will show up to watch an ABA game, as past history suggests, so we're not worried about a name."

Let's give the Bullies a break. Remember they usually have low self-esteem or they wouldn't be bullies.

Phoenix AZ -- Food Channel Show, "The Iron Chef" could step into the mainstream as one of America's favorite sports.

Record crowds are showing up at stadiums throughout the country to watch their favorite cooks do battle. "Don't call me a cook," steamed Chef Pepper Korn. "I'm a professional chef and I want to be paid like a professional baseball player."

Yesterday's battle between Korn and rivals Mooshi Mooshymota and Dip Mi Dong saw the chef's go the full 60 minutes preparing ordinary rice against re-fried rice. Fans went crazy when ordinary, plain white rice won over a shrimp scampi with saffron dish. "Watching people cook rice is a lot more interesting than watching Major League Baseball," said one rice fanatic.

"Racist bullshit," screamed Dong. "White rice always win." Rice fans have gotten used to dominating the competition over the years. One fan explained, "It's just a fact that white rice is more versatile and gets called upon more in a tight cooking situation."

Reverend Jesse Jackson said, "I'm tired of this white rice conspiracy. We are a culture with many rices and we should be celebrating brown rice and yellow rice and throw in some red beans once in awhile."

Could competitive cooking replace poker as the most watched sporting event on television? We hope so!

Dallas, TX -- The Big 12 commissioner Kevin Weiberg resigned as the league's commissioner and will take a job with the Big 10.

Weiberg was credited for bringing the Midwest-based Big 8 conference and the fourth Southwest Conference schools in Texas together to form the current conference. Weiberg is best known for coming up with the name, "Big 12 Conference."

"There was the Big 8 and we added four schools and four plus eight equal twelve so I figured, why not call it the 'Big 12," explained Weiberg. One NCAA official called Weiberg's work, "groundbreaking and some of the slickest commissioning ever done by a commissioner." "Wow, only a visionary like Kevin Weiberg could have taken 8 and added 4 and came up with the Big 12," said one Texas AD.

Weiberg will join the Big 10 where his first order of business will be to address the name "Big Ten Conference." Weiberg explained, "There are actually 11 teams in the Big 10 so right off the bat, I've got some work to do." Actually, Penn State joined the Big 10 several years ago but few people understood the mathematical implications.

"We need a guy like Kevin Weiberg," said Ohio State head coach Jim Tressel. "In my estimation if Kevin can get this 10 plus 1 thing figured out, then we're all winners."

Some Weiberg critics say that he plagiarized taking the Big 12 name from the original Big 12.

Calgary, AL -- The Calgary Flames completed their search for a new coach by hiring Mike Keenan to take over the reins for 2007.

"We're excited to have Mike Keenan as a coach," said a Flames executive. "Mike's coached just about every team in hockey and been fired a bunch so I'm sure we'll be firing him too," he added.

One candidate Benjy Swoorell was said to be very angry over being passed over. Swoorell, a part-time magacian, sword swallower, and "overall kid's party entertainer" said, "I didn't even get an interview."

Swoorell explained, "I was the only candidate that could eat fire but that didn't seem to get their attention."

A Flames spokesperson said, "Lots of people can do that trick. In fact Mike Keenan not only ate fire during his interview, he flamed broiled a 'Whopper' in his mouth while talking about personnel changes."

After the news of his rejection, Swoorell doused himself with lighter fluid and lit himself on fire. "If you're going to protest, lighting yourself on fire, really gets people's attention."

San Francisco, CA -- San Francisco 49ers head coach Mike Nolan received permission from NFL commissioner Roger Goodell to wear "lacey, frilly undergaments" under his suit during regular season games in 2007.

Nolan had gotten some flak from the league offices and NFL sponsor, Reebok, about wearing non-sanctioned suits on the sidelines as well as women's underwear underneath his suit. The NFL determines what apparel can be worn on the sideline and Reebok provides that clothing for coaches--from Bill Belichick's sleeveless sweatshirt to the Nolan's black suits.

Nolan said, "I like something lacey and frilly or something in a thong. What is right next to me is very important and women's underwear makes me feel lucky." Nolan is 8-0 when wearing women's underwear beneath his suit.

Reebok agreed to the clothing change "only if he wears a Reebok thong." A Reebok spokesperson requested that occasionally "Nolan drop his pants and reveal the Reebok insignia on his crotch."

Cleveland, OH -- San Antonio Spurs coach Greg Popovich may be sitting on a dynasty as the Spurs get ready to close out the Cleveland Cavaliers but not everyone on the team is happy.

There are grumblings among several Spurs bench players about the limited action they have seen thus far in the playoffs. Popovich explained, "I coach role players and if the right matchups aren't there, you're going to sit out." He added, "We've been fortunate that the Cavs suck and that we've been able to snooze through this series."

One player, who chose to remain anonymous, said, "That's total bullshit. Pop plays favorites and the fact remains if you have an accent or a green card, you're getting time and the rest of us don't get squat."

Several players were more philosophical about the situation. "We're making big money, living large, and have lots of groupies hanging around offering us free sex, so I guess we should be grateful."

Popovich did issue a warning, "No matter what happens from here on out, believe me, I'm cleaning house in the post season. Some of these bitches are going to be shown the door."

Popovich has not gone to the bench often this season and these bench players want more court time.

New York, NY -- According to an article published in this month's American Journal of Psychiatry, doctors have identified a new disorder affecting only cheerleaders.

"Compulsive Pyramid Disorder" affects over 1.5 million young women per year. According to Dr. Tish Tischer, "This makes anorexia look like a pimple," explained Tischer. In her article Tischer says, "Compulsive Pyramid Disorder is the next wave of serious psychiatric disorders to hit young girls."

The disorder manifests itself with young girls wanting to form a pyramid no matter where they are. Tischer said, "These girls lose complete touch with reality and feel it's perfectly normal to form a pyramid whenever or wherever they are." Tischer said, "We must reach out to these girls and help them understand that it's not appropriate to form a pyramid at a Bar Mitzvah or a funeral."

Cheerleader Bess Drest said, "Wow, I love being on top." Drest added, "You know what's really cool? being on top of a pyramid and then making yourself throw up."

New York, NY -- NFL Players Union leader Gene Upshaw said yesterday that he will attempt to "stick my foot up Mike Ditka's ass." Ditka and former NFL player Joe DeLamiellure spoke out against the union leader for his failure to help retired disabled players get their necessary retirement benefits.

Upshaw, who said last week "that he would like to break Joe DeLamiellure's neck," was angry over repeated accusations that he is not doing enough to help his retired players. Upshaw explained, "Breaking someone's neck is difficult to do and very impractical," said Upshaw. He added, "I realize now that my comment was stupid. It's extremely difficult to go up to a former NFL lineman and break his neck in broad daylight."

DeLamiellure said in his press conference, "I have a very thick neck and I doubt Upshaw could get two hands around it. Sticking a foot up my ass or Ditka's, is much easier."

Upshaw said he planned to call a meeting with Ditka, drop some coins on the ground and if Ditka bends over Upshaw said, "I'll just put my foot right up his big fat ass." Ditka said, "He can put his foot up my ass but I'm telling you sticking a foot up someone's ass is as difficult as breaking someone's neck." Ditka added, "It's a extremely difficult for someone with a large show size like Upshaw's to get his foot up my ass. But he's welcome to give it a try."

Ditka and former Cowboy coach Bill Parcells discuss Upshaw's shoe size in preparation of the foot sticking.

There's Kobyashi lockjaw joke here somewhere. Just make it up.