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TROY POLAMALU'S HAIR RECOVERED AFTER KIDNAPPING ORDEAL

Tampa Bay, FL -- After a harrowing two days of negotiations, Pittsburgh Steeler Troy Polamalu's hair was back on his head after it was stolen earlier in the week.

A Florida woman was arrested and charged with stealing the hair and then holding the hair against it's will and transporting it across state lines. It is a crime to kidnap hair in at least ten states.

The ordeal began on Monday when Polamalu woke up and realized that his hair was missing. He had fallen asleep in a hotel lobby where 32-year-old Flossie Magrew lifted Polamalu's hair and walked out of the hotel. "It was frightening and I was just plain scared," said Polamalu. Magrew held the hair for several hours before contacting the Steelers demanding cash and game tickets in exchange for the hair.

Police set up a sting with a briefcase full of cash and tickets and lured Magrew to a dark alley on the west side of Tampa Bay. Undercover officers were able to surprise Magrew and she was then taking into custody and the hair was returned to Polamalu.

"We're just happy to be back together," said the relieved defensive back. "I'm just happy everyone is okay and no one was killed," he added. "I think tonight, we're just going to enjoy each other and maybe enjoy a washing and a combing," he sighed. Magrew, who faces a possible life of baldness, was unapologetic, saying, "I feel like Rod Blagojevich and in fact, he's got some nice hair."

Magrew shortly after being taken into custody defiantly said, "It's not right that some people have great, tight curly hair and I just wanted some for myself."

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JUDGE RULES CHEERLEADING IS A CONTACT SPORT

Madison, WI -- A Wisconsin judge ruled that cheerleading is a full contact sport and therefore participants cannot sue one another for unintentional injuries.

This ruling overturned a previous lower court decision that said, "IF you are on the top of the pyramid and those morons on the bottom collapse the thing and you fall and you split your goddamn head open, then by all means you should sue the shit out of the people on the bottom."

Judge Leonard Swizzlesticht asked, "Who the f*** wrote that decision?" He added, "Jesus, that guy sounds like a f***ing idiot not a lawyer." A spectator in the court asked, "Aren't all f***ing idiots lawyers?" The Judge in a fit of rage overturned the lower court decision saying, "I sort of like when cheerleaders get dropped on their heads...call me a glutton for senseless violence but there's something really entertaining about cute little co-eds falling from twelve feet."

Cheerleading advocates from across the country expressed rage and huge cheerleading protests were sparked throughout the country. Sadly though, most cheerleaders got lost on the way to the protests because as one bubbly Southern California cheerleader said, "We know lots of cheers but few directions."

Be honest, don't you root for them to get dropped?

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WOMAN OFFERS BODY FOR SUPER BOWL TICKETS

Wilkensburg, PA -- A rabid Pittsburgh Steelers fan has offered to sell her body for tickets to Sunday's Super Bowl matchup.

Tanya Yoder held a press conference and said anyone with tickets can "do whatever they want to me even if they have nose-bleed seats." Immediately her phone rang off the hook and offers streamed in like an Indian Ocean tsunami.

Former New York state governor Eliot Spitzer remarked, "Where was Tanya earlier in the year? I could have gotten her in any Jets or Giants game and saved myself a lot of aggravation." Former President Bill Clinton said, "Christ, I can get her on the 50 yard line if I can get the old whistle tuned up." Senator Larry Craig asked, "Does Tanya have a brother?"

Later Yoder clarified that what she meant was that she would sell advertising on her body not sell her body directly. "Oh, that sucks," said Spitzer. A frustrated Clinton threw a shoe at his wife, Hilary. And Senator Craig took a copy of Men's Journal and crawled into a public men's room stall saying, "I need some new hand signals."

Still some prime real estate left! Don't delay, Sunday is only four days away.

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NCAA MAKES MUD WRESTLING OFFICIAL D-IA SPORT

Indianapolis, IN -- The National Collegiate Athletic Association announced today that mud wrestling will take it's rightful place among division one sports.

Mud wrestling has long been confined to fraternity houses and strip clubs but an NCAA committee said, "It was time to give mud wrestling it's rightful place in the hierarchy of sport." Schools are rushing to embrace the sport with spring recruiting in full swing.

"We're all about gender equity," said one NCAA official, "and we want women to have exactly the same opportunities as men and we want men to have the opportunity to see scantily clad women in bikinis wrestling in mud and that what sport should be about."

Colleges are swamped with coaching applications and in this struggling economy everyone want to coach mud wrestling. "When you coach mud wrestling you don't care about the economy," said Coach Rex Humbolt of Arkansas A T &T. "And the good thing about mud wrestling," said Humbolt, "is that you don't need no fancy new fangled equipment...just some mud and a bra and you got yourself a Division One sport."

That's right, no fancy new fangled equipment...just some mud and some regular equipment.

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LAKERS' ODOM TO BE FINED FOR CROTCH GRABBING?

Los Angeles, CA -- Los Angeles Lakers' forward Lamar Odom is being investigated by NBA security after the Los Angeles Clippers accused him of "crotch grabbing."

Odom, who was released six years ago by the Clippers for character issues and "being stoned for four years," allegedly hung on the rim after a dunk while holding his crotch. "I even surprised myself on that move," said Odom. "You know I'm so well endowed that it usually takes two hands to touch myself so dunking is normally out of the question," he explained.

Lakers coach Phil Jackson was impressed and said, "I don't think I've ever seen Lamar do the crotch grab dunk since he's been a Laker but it's definitely a crowd pleaser." NBA All-Star game organizers want Odom to incorporate the "crotch grab" dunk during the dunking competition after he pays his fine for the crotch dunk.

NBA commissioner David Stern, though publicly has come out against the "crotch dunk," was privately thrilled with Odom's athletic dexterity. "I think our fans want to see more crotch grabbing while dunking because it is something that mixes basketball with masturbation and that's got to sell tickets," said Stern through a spokesperson.

Clippers coach Mike Dunleavy said, "We're in dead last place and sometimes all you can do when you're the Clippers coach is grab your crotch and hope for something to happen."

MLS officials are hoping crotch grabbing can rescue professional soccer in the United States.

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2012 OLYMPICS TO INCLUDE TRIKE RACING

London, England -- Olympic game organizers announced yesterday that "trike" racing will be added as an official event for the 2012 games.

Trike racing in it's pure form is a breathtaking event where large sized adults race each other on children's three wheel cycles. "Lot of people don't understand the fascination," said longtime racer Lilly Langston. Langston, the mother of two toddlers, became interested in trike driving when she got tired of pushing her small children on the cycles. "One day I just said to my kids, get off that f***ing thing and walk and then I drove it home while they cried," she explained.

Later, Langston realized that other mothers were getting the same idea and they began to race informally. "It was a diversion from boredom of parenting that became a passion," said fellow triker Missy Doopy. Doopy added, "It was only a matter of time until it caught on and now, I don't think there's a mother out there who doesn't get turned on by trike racing."

An Olympic spokesperson said, "You've got angry women on mounted on small wheel vehicles and they want to destroy one another...if that isn't a recipe for some exciting Olympic competition then you can just stay with that curling bullshit."

Top rated racer Lilly Langston said, "If 2012 was tomorrow, I'm ready."

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BUCS INTRODUCE GRUDEN REPLACEMENT

Tampa Bay, FL -- The Tampa Bay Buccaneers introduced their new head football coach yesterday at a press conference where the new coach promised to "lighten things up."

Ron Morgan (who refers to himself as "The Captain") said, "It's a whole new philosophy that we're bringing and I think the players are going to like it." Morgan has no previous coaching experience but did work a concessions stand at Raymond James Stadium in 1997. The new coach said that he would emphasize "partying hard with hot chicks."

"Who wants to block and tackle when we can just get a few rum and cokes and sit by a pool?" he asked. "We won't have a defensive coordinator but we will have a top-notch wine steward," he promised. "And I think we should dress like real Buccaneers and say things like 'Aye matie' and 'Shiver me timbers and blow me down.'" added Morgan.

A Buccaneers spokesperson explained the odd choice saying, "We had an asshole like Jon Gruden and we lost to the Raiders in the fourth quarter in a game that would have sealed the playoffs...don't you think we're in the mood for Captain Morgan?"

Coach Captain Morgan and a hot chick. "Let's get the party started!" yelled the Captain.

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CARDINALS TRAINER UNDER SCRUTINY

Phoenix, AZ -- The last thing Arizona Cardinals coach Ken Whisenhut needs as he prepares for the franchise's first Super Bowl is a trainer's controversy.

But that's exactly what's going on in the Cardinal camp this week. Several league officials have questioned both the credentials and competency of team trainer Mitzi Flurbish. Flurbish was hired by the Cardinals several weeks ago because as one team official put it, "she just looked better than all of the other applicants."

However, sources close to the team say that Flurbish has no credentials or work experience and it's rumored she was hired at a team Halloween function. Flurbish denied that she was not qualified to hold the job. "Tape and ice is all you have to know," she explained. "I know where the ice machine is and when I'm taping I just pretend I'm wrapping Christmas presents," she continued.

Players say they are very satisfied with Flurbish. "She's not your stereotypical trainer," said one running back. Whisenhut said that her injury report consistently lists players as "naughty" and "in need of a good spanking." "Yes, you could say she's a bit unorthodox," he added, "but the players like to perform for her."

Give Mitzi Flurbish a pair of rubber gloves and she'll gladly check your prostate even if you just turned an ankle.

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FIGURE SKATING PULLS OUT ALL STOPS TO IMPROVE RATINGS

Millions of fans were cashing in their football season tickets for lifetime figure skating tickets.

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KANSAS COACH SELF ADMITS CONTACT WITH RECRUIT

Lawrence, KS -- Kansas basketball coach Bill Self confirmed a report that he had contact with a top recruit John Wall during an NCAA evaluation period last Thursday night at a high school tournament in Springfield, Mo.

An NCAA representative said there are other rules on the books about urinating to close to a recruit, "and damn we're going to find a violation here."

You just need that one urinal buffer or else crazy shit can happen.

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FORMER HAWKEYE PODALAK SLOBBERS DOWN DRESS; LOSES JOB

DesMoines, Iowa -- Former NFL great and University of Iowa play by play announcer Ed Podolak was let go by the University for naughty behavior at the Outback Bowl.

A stranger with a cell phone snapped a picture of a drunken Podolak snooping down the blouse of a young fan. The pictures, probably snapped by a rival Iowa State fan, cost Podolak his job. In characteristic good form, Podolak said the view "was worth my job."

Podolak, who often refers to himself a Poonalot, had plenty of advice for would be snoopers. "IF you going to lose your job for peeking down the blouse of someone, I wholeheartedly recommend that you camp in the blouse for as long as you can get away with it, cause if you're a drunk snooper like me, you will lose your job," counseled Podolak.

Iowa fans say that Podolak was a "great analyst who sees things the rest of us don't." "He a true Hawkeye and if a Hawkeye spots an open blouse that no one else spots then the Hawkeye is going to swoop," said longtime Iowan Tad Nippleman. "It's in a Hawkeye's DNA so I feel Poody is getting singled out unfairly.

What must have it been like to break the news of his firing to Bertha?

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94-1 GIRLS BASKETBALL GAME INFURIATES COACH

Boulder, CO -- The Frontier Academy girls' basketball team mopped up the gymnasium floor with the Justice High School team by a score of 94-1 while the Frontier Academy coach insisted it was not a lopsided win.

"It was a lot closer than the score indicates," said coach Nat Blatt. "I was a little pissed when Frontier got the one point and got within 93 and that's when I decided on the full court press," explained Blatt. Blatt was angry with his team when Justice scored their only point telling his team, "It's all about total humiliation and 94-0 would have been total humiliation which is soooo much more fun than just like normal humilation."

Blatt insisted that beating up on a team 94-1 is all about, "respecting the game." "We played as hard as we could the whole game which makes us respect the game and respect our opponents," counseled Blatt. Blatt made the analogy, "Like if we're in war in Iraq, we should drop a nuclear weapon on Baghdad cause that would show the Iraqis that we respect them." "It's the same with basketball, when you have an enemy, you want to show them that you respect them by killing them," finished Blatt.

After the game Blatt invited that Frontier girls out for ice cream and afterwards brutally assaulted the entire team saying, "I like to assault women to show how much I respect them."

In many societies, a nice torture is a good way to tell someone just how much you respect them.

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DWAYNE WADE GAVE WIFE STD FOR CHRISTMAS

Miami, FL -- Miami Heat superstar guard Dwayne Wade may have outdone all husbands when he gave his wife a sexually transmitted disease for Christmas.

Wade explained, "You know I just didn't want to get the usual jewelry or stereotypical fur coat so I thought, let me give her something that she'll remember for a long, long time."

Wade's wife Siohvaughn claims in a nasty divorce battle that her better half infected her with syphillis, gonorrhea, and chlamydia. Wade defended himself saying, "They sound like expensive names...in fact they would make cool names if I have anymore children...like Chlamydia Wade has a nice ring, don't it?"

Wade added, "Hey how do you pronounce my wife's name anyway? I ain't never been able to pronounce it so I just call her bitch." Siohvaughn through her lawyers said that Wade is very, very bad daddy who has abandoned their children and been with "lots of ho's." Wade's attorney said the lawsuit is ridiculous because "everyone know that if you make a lot of money in the NBA, ho's are just part of the reward."

Jockweb wants all of it's readers to be well-informed so we hope you are forewarned about the ho's and bitches you're fantasizing about...you could be the next Dwayne Wade.

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SYRACUSE TO UN-RETIRE No. 44 AND RESURRECT THE DEAD

Syracuse, NY -- Syracuse University is considering un-retiring the number 44 three years after the number was officially retired.

The number worn by Jim Brown, Floyd Little, and Ernie Davis has been in the rafters of the Carrier Dome and said it was reluctant to come back down. "I'm not sure I want to go back and get worn by some sweaty running back," said 44. He added, "I've got a pretty good view of all the football and basketball games from way up here."

Number 43 said, "That lucky bastard 44 has it made in retirement. I've got to keep going because everyone who wears 43 sucks." Likewise 42 and 45 and mostly all of the other numbers expressed reservations about bringing 44 back. "He's been gone a few years," said the other numbers, "and a lot has changed since he retired...truthfully the game may have passed him by."

No. 2 said, "Have you ever seen a No. 2 retired? No sir, every damn number 2 is overworked and underappreciated." All of the numbers universally agreed that bringing back 44 was irrelevant since Syracuse football "just plain sucks!"

40 D came out of retirement earlier this year and it was a very good year for the number.

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HIGH SCHOOL DRUG TEST NETS ONE ABUSER

Austin, TX -- Ten of thousands of Texas student athletes have been pulled from high school classes and told to urinate in a cup as part of the largest steroid testing program in the nation.

So far one student has tested positive for steroids while some lawmakers are saying the program is not worth the $6 million price tag. But one legislator, Dan Flynn has called the program a remarkable success. "The success is that we haven't had a lot of positive tests," beamed Flynn.

"We don't need to catch people to be successful, we just need to test a lot of people and spend a lot of money to be successful," assured Flynn. Though only one person tested positive, several students tested positive for Vicks Vapo-Rub and over 8,000 students tested positive for "pimple cream." Flynn explained, "We got students in Texas with massive amounts of vapo-rub on their chests and zit cream on their face...thank God we're on top of this shit."

Flynn proposes, "Hey as long as every kid has got his pants down, peeing into a cup, whaddya say we show'em how to put on a rubber?" "You see," he said, "some things are just better when the government gets involved."

Texas lawmakers propose a new $10 million dollar program designed at ridding the state of bad hats.

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KNICKS' EDDY CURRY SLAPPED WITH SAME SEX-HARASSMENT

Chicago, IL -- New York Knicks center Eddy Curry received shocking news on Monday when his former driver claimed Curry tried to solicit gay sex from him.

In court papers Curry's chauffeur David Kuchinsky claim that Curry would approach him in the nude and say things like, "Hey Dave, look at this weapon, come and touch it." In addition Curry made Kuchinsky perform "humiliating task outside the scope of his employment such as cleaning up and removing dirty towels that Curry had ejaculated into so that his wife would not see them."

Curry denied the allegations and said, "He's got me mixed up with Isiah Thomas cause I ain't no gay guy cause I like ho's and bitches." Kuchinsky, who is straight and Jewish also alleges that Curry made racial slurs calling him "white devil," "white slave," "cracker" and later tried to make up with him by offering him free Knicks tickets.

"I don't know what was more traumatic," said Kuchinsky, "being hit on by the long donged Curry or being offered free Knicks tickets." Kuchinsky's lawyer commented, "Wow Knicks tickets alone oughta count for about $100,000 in psychological damages."

TNT announcer Charles Barkley expressed mild surprise asking, "You mean all this time I could have gotten a B-J from Eddy Curry?" "Who knew?"

It's crucial that you keep Eddy Curry in front of you at all times.

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INDIAN CRICKET PLAYER TO BECOME A GOD; MARK CUBAN TO FOLLOW

Ranchi, India -- Indian cricket legend Mahendra Singh Dhoni will officially become a Hindu god next month making the total number of gods 330,001.

"Dhoni is God to cricket and we have decided to construct a temple...he will be worshipped like other gods are worshipped in temples," said Jitendra Singh, president of Dhoni's fan club. Dhoni could perhaps be the greatest cricket player that India has ever produced. However, Dhoni expressed some surprised by this latest honor but said he was looking forward to being a god. "You know that gods get all the chicks," said Dhoni, "and to tell you the truth they get preferred parking in most places too."

"Dhoni will be Dhoni, god of boredom," declared Singh, "because you have to have a god-like attention span to sit through a cricket match."

Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban immediately offered $800 million dollars for the newly constructed temple and said, "Hey, how about making me Mark, god of bad dancers?" Singh responded, "No problem Mark, we make you god, but god of assholes with too much money."

Cuban will construct a temple to himself and will sit at the right hand of David Stern, god of marketing overpriced basketball thugs.

God Mark Cuban gets a few more arms to count all of his money. "With a couple more legs next year, I can take 'Dancing with the Stars,'" he promised.

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NFL REF BLAMES WIFE FOR CHEAP WATCH AFTER RAVENS WIN

Nashville, TN -- The head of yesterday's referee crew blamed his wife's Christmas present for the blown call that gave the Baltimore Ravens a playoff victory over the favored Tennessee Titans.

The Ravens were rewarded an extra play after the refs failed to call a penalty for a play clock violation. Quarterback Joe Flacco was able to get a play off after the play clock went to zero and held for a whole minute.

Ref Ed Hocker (no relation to that hocker you just sniffed up your nose) admitted to the mistake but blamed the entire incident on his cheap watch. He said the problem began on Christmas morning when he wife Dixey gave him a watch as a present. "It was a piece of shit $19.95 Timex with a picture of Disney's Tigger on it," explained Hocker. "You'd think after 25 years of marriage I'm worth more than that but the marriage has been in the tank since '98...how about a hunting rifle or something?" he added.

Mrs. Hocker defended the watch by saying, "He was damn lucky to even get a gift this year since he hasn't made love to me since Bill Clinton was banging Monica." "Besides," she said, "a Tigger watch can take a licking and still keep ticking."

The NFL declined comment on the matter but a spokesperson did say, "We concur that a Timex watch is a piece of shit ...oh and the Titans got f***ed."

Hocker showed off the infamous Tigger watch that he wore during yesterday's game.

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SOUTH CAROLINA MOVES TO CLEAN PROGRAM

Colombia, SC -- University of South Carolina football coach Steve Spurrier made his first off-season move to show he means business in cleaning up his much maligned program.

For years critics have suggested that Spurrier's programs are rife with corruption and law breaking players. "It's college football," said Spurrier defending himself, "what fun would it be if we didn't have a few felons and gangbangers?" However Spurrier agreed that maybe it was time to address the criticisms of his football team.

"We're getting rid of Smelley," explained Spurrier referring to quarterback Chris Smelley. Smelley decided to transfer from the University to pursue a baseball career but more importantly because he was tired of the constant "smelley" jokes. "You don't have to be Einstein to figure out how many 'smelley' cracks I take a day like 'hey that was a smelley throw' or 'he go to the showers smelley.'"

"Without Smelley we're going to have a cleaner program," assured Spurrier. "Wow, was he smelley...three years with him, I oughta get some kind of medal or something...like a coach has got to be close to his quarterback and shit, he was smelley and I would say things like, 'whoa Smelley how about a little soap or something?' and then he'd say like, 'Coach I can't help it I'm just Smelley.'"

Smelley girlfriend Ida Fartbreath said, "Like I feel bad for Chris but the truth is, I'm dumping him because he's just smelley."

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PLAYER SUSPENDED FOR "PLAYING OUT OF IS ASS"

Brisbane, Australia -- Tennis player Radek Stepanek was suspended from the Australian Open tennis championships for playing with a tennis racket in his ass.

Stepanek was in the middle of a tight set against Swede Robin Soderling when he shoved his racket in his anus and played several points with his racket protruding below. "It frees my hands up to do other things," explained the Czech star. "What's wrong with playing out of your ass?" he begged.

Tournament officials said it was very clear that in the rules of tennis "one must play the game with the racket in hand and it is strictly forbidden to place the racket up your ass or up an opponent's ass." Tournament director Paul Hogan said, "We've got no problem with him scratching his ass with the racket once in awhile but sticking it up there and hitting lobs with just your ass seems to me to give him an unfair advantage."

Announcers for the tournament said they were frustrated because, "You've got your forehand and your backhand but what are we supposed to call a shot from the ass?"

Sadly Stepanek shoved the racket too far up his ass and later had to be transported to Brisbane General Hospital to have the racket surgically removed. "Talk about 'tough love'" quipped emergency physician Dr. Harve Pressme, "I hope this doesn't start a trend."

Stepanek moments before sticking his racket up his ass.

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Sports in Briefs:

LIONS DELEGATED TO DIVISION I-AA

Banned from the NFL...Division I didn't want them.

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NCAA PASSES NO 'MOOBS' RULE

Men must have A cups or smaller to go topless.

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MIKE SHANAHAN WEARS YELLOW JACKET

No one saw this coming!

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TOM BRADY'S SHIRT COLLAR A REAL 'CHICK' MAGNET

Where is the hot chick?  Yeah, right there.

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IF YOU EVER WONDERED WHAT WAS UNDER DANICA'S RACING GEAR, OR WHY SHE WAS POPULAR...

You're welcome!

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CHARLES BARKLEY TO HOST TRAVEL SHOW

LOS ANGELES, CA - Sir Charles has been approached by the Discovery Channel and affiliates to host a travel show.  The idea stems from Barkley's latest arrest on DUI where he claims to have been in search of the world's greatest BJ.

Charles admitted to police having received oral from this particular woman just a week before and claimed it was the best he'd ever had.  A surprising statement considering he is married, and we all know that married woman are well known for great oral technique.

"We are looking to tap into Charles as he taps into others," said Fred McIlvey of Discovery Channel USA.  "Our viewers want to know about the best BJ, the best ass, the best beer, the best everything.  We believe Charles can bring it home."

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JOE PATERNO GETS 3 YEAR EXTENSION

UNIVERSITY PARK, PA - Penn State announced that Joe Paterno's contract will be extended for the next 3 seasons.  Good news for Penn State faithful who want to keep Joe around as long as possible.

Few are reported to be concerned that his appearance is starting to deteriorate

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NEW YANKEE STADIUM NOT AS IMPRESSIVE AS HOPED

Bronx, NY - As the new era dawns in Yankees baseball, the new stadium was revealed to members of the NY sports media.

Despite polite applause, most were concerned with the new configuration.  Some of the comments by members of the media included:

"Does the outfield need a swimming pool?"

"Shouldn't there be an infield, or grass?"

"Brick?"

"Where do people sit?"

George Steinbrenner calmed reporters fears when he called us all "picky shits" and told us not to worry about it.

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Scarlett Johansson Banned From Superbowl

An unidentified NFL representative confirmed reports that Johansson will not be allowed to participate in any on or off field activities during the Superbowl in fear of a wardrobe malfunction.

In other Johansson news, her publicist denies reports that she will be flying over the stadium during the game.  Though those zeppelins are impressive.

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No One is Giving Buddy 'the Giant' Dogster A Chance at Daytona

Chauncy, FL - Buddy Dogster has been racing for almost 2 years now on the NASCAR circuit and has some very impressive wins under his belt including Selinsgrove and Candyland.  But his odds of winning at Daytona this year have been posted by Vegas oddsmakers at 400-1.

"Hell, there's aren't even 400 other f****ers in the race with me.  How can those odds be right?" Dogster laments.  "They make fun of me because I use phone books to reach the pedals."

Dogster has been plagued all his career by not being taken seriously.

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PARALYMPICS TAKES STRANGE TWIST  

Albright, MN - The Paralympics is best known for athletes who are differently-abled competing despite having to overcome physical handicaps.  Runners, for example, use prostatic legs to race around the track.

Harold Zimar from Madison Wisconsin was disqualified, however when it was discovered his prosthesis was actually a zucchini.  "Dammit, a man can't run with the assistance of an overgrown vegetable," Said Martin Huma of the Paralympics governing body.  "He is making a mockery of our games..."

Zimar was unable to be reached for comment.  However he was said to be enjoying a nice salad.

 

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Coming Soon: '2008 A Year in Apology' and '2008, A Rear in Review'

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SHECKSTEIN TO STUDY ORANGUTANS FOR TWO WEEKS

Jockweb, HQ -- Jockweb CEO, renaissance man, advisor to foreign governments, and amateur anthropologist Shecky Sheckstein will be out of the country for the next two weeks leaving some to question, what will happen to the on-line sports satire site?

Sheckstein, who will be studying a rare species of orangutans in the deep recesses of the Pago Lago Dago Rainforest on the island of Ibi Geebi, said that he was confident that the day to day operations of Jockweb will function as normal under the leadership of Sheckstein's son, Shelley. "Shelley is an idiot," said Sheckstein, "and he's never amounted to much and he's been a huge disappointment to his mother and myself, but he ought to at least be able to post a few lame sports stories every day or so."

The cyber legend will be unable to have computer access in the rainforest because, "I'll be communing with the orangutan." Sheckstein's research will focus on the rare but all to common, Flamman Orangutan. "Once a year, the Flamman Orangutan comes out of a cave, exposes his genetalia, plays with himself, and returns to his cave," explained Sheckstein. "IF he sees his shadow, we will have at least six more weeks of winter, if he doesn't, well I guess I see an orangutan masturbate which I'm not sure is worth the price of the plane ticket," he continued.

"Bottom line," emphasized Sheckstein, "I'm putting Shelley in charge and I hope we still have readership when I return." His last words as he boarded his plane was, "If God will's it, I'll return on January 12th with some nice t-shirts for all my readers!"

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FAVRE TO WRAP PRESENT FOR COUNTRY

New York, NY -- Just what do you get the country that has everything for Christmas? Shopping at this time of year can be so difficult. You walk and walk through miles of aisles of malls and you pick and compare and try to imagine, what would be the perfect for that certain country?

In this case what do you buy the United States for Christmas? Saddam Hussein's head on a platter? Got that! Enough nuclear weapons to obliterate the entire Milky Way? Got it! A new hunting rifle for Dick Cheney? Got that too! So what does the anxious Christmas shopper get for the United States.

New York Jets quarterback Brett Favre has the answer. "I'm going to retire! How's that for a Christmas present America?" Millions of faithful Christians arose this morning and realized under their tree was a gift so special that almost everyone wanted to open it right away. "Brett Favre retiring?" asked naughty boy Mike McCarthy, "yes, Virginia there is a Santa Claus."

Favre said later, "It was either gift cards for 300,000,000 people or retirement and I thought retirement would last longer but should I wrap it or just put it in a gift bag?" However soon after giving the gift, Favre said, "I still have thirty days to return it." But for today, all of America can enjoy the simple pleasure that Christmas can bring. BRETT FAVRE IS RETIRED! HALLELUJAH, HALLELUJAH!

Let's just leave it wrapped because you know we're just going to have to take it back.

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GUY BECOMES GAL; WINS LONGEST DRIVE CONTEST

Mesquite, NV -- A former 245-pound 55 year-old SWAT policeman who underwent sex change surgery emerged as the winner of the RE/MAX Long Drive Championship at the Mesquite Regional Golf Course.

The new long-drive queen Lana Lawless bombed a 254-yard drive into a 40 mph headwind to best New Zealand's Phillis Meti by four yards. Lawless of Palm Springs, California smiled on the victory stand and said in her bass voice, "I'm having a hot flash, isn't that wonderful?" Only minutes after Lawless grabbed the championship bowl did the complaints start to surface. "If all SWAT team members start taking up women's golf, we're in big f***ing trouble," said terrorist expert Vic Vaporub.

Lawless explained, "Sure I used to be a man, and sure I was tough and mean and sure people didn't want to mess with me and if you try hitting into my foursome, I'm going to kick you f***ing ass but I'm very gentle on the inside." She now has the distinction of winning two championships in two different genders. As a he, Lawless was a club champion with a 1-handicap and now as a woman, she's has experienced the thrill of victory again and she said, "And now I get mad at myself for leaving the toilet seat up."

The new champ said she planned to conquer new territory. "I'd love to box Tonya Harding and then possibly have a WNBA career," she winked.

Though Lana would be a terrific addition to a Mixed Scramble, you might just want to ask this golfer to join you and forget about golf for the day.

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TRAGEDY STRIKES USC CHEERLEADING TEAM

Los Angeles, CA -- The entire University of Southern California cheerleading squad was hospitalized yesterday after a frightful accident during the team's Rose Bowl preparation.

Fourteen co-eds were admitted to Cedars-Sinai Hospital and treated for first-degree burns on the soles of their feet. "We were doing like some really cool cheers at the beach and like wow the sand was soooo hot like it burned our feet wow bummer," described one cheerleader. "It was like really bad and like we were like really freakin' cause like hot sand is like not as cool as cool sand," she continued.

Emergency medical personnel responded to a 911 call and the squad was transported to the emergency room where doctors worked fiercely for several hours trying to save the outer, outer epidermis layers of the cheerleaders. "With some luck from upstairs," said Dr. Bruce Hunkster, "and a lot of your prayers, I think the gals might make it."

Sadly, the cheerleaders might not take the field when the Trojans line up against Penn State in the Rose Bowl. "Like wow, it would be so uncool if we didn't have like our cheerleaders," said coach Pete Carroll, "cause like they inspire me with all of like their jumping up and down and giggling and like jiggling body parts."

Some USC cheerleaders practicing just moments before the accident.

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DETROIT REPORTER PUNISHED BY FOX TEAM

Los Angeles, CA -- Reporter Rob Parker of the Detroit News got more than he bargained for when he disrespected Lions' coach Rod Marinelli after the team's loss yesterday.

Parker grilled Marinelli about the job Marinelli's son-in-law has done as Defensive Coordinator for this year's team. Parker badgered Marinelli for several minutes before finally asking him, "Do you wish your daughter had married a better defensive coordinator?" Marinelli admitted, "Well if you think my son-in-law is an idiot, what if I told you she was engaged to Matt Millen?"

However Parker's line of questioning so infuriated the Fox NFL pre-game team, that all of the announcers boarded an aircraft to Detroit to defend Marinelli's honor. "He's got to be punished!" exclaimed Terry Bradshaw. Each announcer vowed that collectively, "We don't stand idly by while one of our NFL cronies gets disrespected."

For his insensitivity, Parker will have to sit in a room for two days while Bradshaw analyzes Week 16 of the NFL season while watching Jimmy Johnson getting his hair coiffed while also watching Michael Strahan eat sunflower seeds while being pummeled repeatedly by Howie Long's forearm. "That's a pretty harsh punishment, wouldn't you say?" asked Parker. "How about some waterboarding or something?" pleaded Parker, "but two days listening to Terry Bradshaw? That's inhuman!"

What is Marinelli referring to? Could it, no, it couldn't be, oh yes, is it really Matt Millen's brain or penis size?

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BUSH TRIES TO BURY CLINTON LEGACY

Washington, DC -- With only a few weeks left before President Bush becomes ex-President Bush, he vowed to leave behind a reputation as "a ladies' President."

Bush said that former President Bill Clinton had "nothing on me but a few inches and I'm talking height." However Bush admitted that as his administration winds down he has been pressing to find a woman who wants to bed down with him. "Even Laura turns over early most nights," admitted the Chief Executive. He lamented, "I don't know what it is, maybe it's the way I talk but 'I Can't Get No Satisfaction.'" Bush explained, "Yesterday, I used my best line, 'Hey do you have a mirror in your pants cus I can see myself in them' but all I got was a slap in the face."

Clinton said success with woman or politics depends on the party you choose. "You come to my party, you're gonna get laid," chided Clinton. Clinton did admit that the Bush delivery could be holding him back but did have a suggestion or two. "I've had great success with 'Hey I lost my puppy, can you help me find him...I think he went into that cheap motel over there,'...man, that has worked for me since college."

Bush conceded, "Okay, I probably won't get me a legacy but I just one to get me one of those sexual relations."

Bush strikes out with, "Hey, you a softball player? I got some softballs for you."

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CONSTIPATION TAKES TOLL ON NFL PLAYERS

Seattle, WA -- NFL team doctors are baffled as to the marked increase this year in the number of players struggling with constipation.

Coming into Week 15, a record number of players are showing up in training rooms complaining of a lack of intestinal movement. Dr. Max Lucey explained, "Normally at this time of the season, we see a lot of ding and bang injuries, a strained knee here, a tweaked shoulder there, but the fact is a lot of guy just can't crap and that worries us."

The problem reached a crescendo last Sunday when both Terrell Owens and Chad Johnson spent twelve hours in a pre-game strain forcing them to miss the all important pre-game pep talk. Owens later confessed, "That's why there's so much shit coming out of my mouth cause I can't get nothing passed my ass."

Unless something breaks soon, several games may have to be canceled. "You can't absorb a big hit if you can't take a big shit," smiled commissioner Roger Goodell after a clever play on words. "All I can say is that we have people working round the clock to get this thing licked," added Goodell, "and wow, I don't think I meant that to sound like it does."

A Seattle Seahawk continues suffering after trying desperately for four days to relieve himself. "It's ugly," said Seattle coach Mike Holmgren.

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REDSKINS ACTIVATE SUSAN LUCCI FOR EAGLES GAME

Washington, DC -- The Washington Redskins announced yesterday that they would activate actress Susan Lucci for Sunday's NFC East game with the Philadelphia Eagles.

Lucci, the daytime soap opera star of "All My Children", has no previous football experience but coach Jim Zorn said, "She's still pretty hot for an old chick." Zorn said he's looking for anything that might spark his falling Redskins out of their six game slide. "And putting Susan Lucci in the shower room will spark something," added Zorn.

Ironically, Redskins London Fletcher said on Tuesday that he felt he was "the Susan Lucci of the NFL" after being snubbed for the Pro Bowl. Fletcher was left out of the all-star game again, much the same as the Emmy award evaded Lucci for 18 years. Lucci responded by saying, "London Fletcher looks nothing like me and he's sort of a pussy."

Fletcher took the comment in stride saying, "She may be old, she may be a bitch, and I'd still like to nail her but truthfully we could use some bitch on defense." Redskins owner Daniel Snyder followed saying, "I've got lots of money to pay her so in actuality, I own everything and that includes Susan Lucci." He licks his lips and said, "She's still pretty hot for an old bitch."

Zorn is hoping some Lucci "bitch" stuff can slow down the Eagles offense. WOW! Jim Zorn is right...She's pretty hot for an old chick!

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IS NUDITY RUINING SNOOKER?

London, England-- It has been one year since the International Snooker Federation went to an "All-Nude" Snooker format and Snooker purists have been asking, "Have we gone too far?"

For years Snooker has struggled to find a consistent audience or anyone who can really explain what the hell the sport is about. However, last year the Federation decided, "to hell with finding an audience and to hell with trying to figure out how the game is played, let's just carry a cue stick around without our clothes on," declared President Clyde Farrington.

"Just what is Snooker?" asked Farrington, "is it pool, is it pool without pockets, is it crocquet on a pool table? and frankly who cares a fly's turd what the hell it is so why not just take our clothes off and parade around the table naked?"

However, not every Snooker enthusiast has embraced naked Snooker. "Proper British people do not like removing their clothing even during sex," commented one Englishman, "so this has not been without pain." "Of course, you could argue that you are playing a game without pockets without pockets if indeed you don't have pants on which I guess is the true spirit of Snooker," added Sir Alec Hinniss.

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AUBURN BUCKS CONVENTIONAL WISDOM; HIRES WHITE COACH

Auburn, AL -- Auburn University stunned the college football world yesterday when they announced Gene Chizak, a white coach to replace the outgoing Tommy Tuberville.

"We're going out on limb here, and we're thinking outside the box," said Auburn President Jimmy Bob Burnett, "and we're proud to give a white man the opportunity to coach our football squad." Chizak, coming off a successful 5-19 two year stint at Iowa State, said, "It just restores your faith in America that a priviliged white guy like me can raise up, overcome preferential treatment and take over a stellar program like Auburn."

NBA commentator and alumnus Charles Barkley said, "It just goes to show you that race doesn't matter anymore and that the administration took into account that 5-19 record and said, 'We're gonna hire the best man for the job despite him being white.'" "I never thought I'd live to see the day where a white man in Alabama would get a fair shake," added Barkley.

Second runner-up Turner Gill, who coached the University of Buffalo to a MAC championship, said bitterly, "I don't think it's fair that I should have to pay for Alabama's history of keeping white men down."

Former coach Tommy Tuberville asked, "Do you pronounce my name Toob-er-ville or Tubb-ur-ville?"

Chizak is introduced to the press by the Auburn administration.

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T.O. FIGHTS JASON WITTEN OVER TOILET PAPER PLAYS

Iriving, TX -- Dallas Cowboy receivers Terrell Owens and Jason Witten came to blows yesterday in the locker room after Owens accused Witten of conspiring with quarterback Tony Romo to shut T.O. out of the offense.

"They diagram new offensive plays on toilet paper when I'm not looking," balked Owens. Owens said he was in a bathroom stall and became stranded on the toilet with no paper. "I had to run across the locker room with my pants down around my ankles to get a new roll of tissue," explained the frustrated Owens. "You think maybe he (Witten) could replace a roll once in a while," fumed Owens.

Romo admitted that he and Witten did diagram plays on toilet paper. "Right now with a 1000 sheet roll we can get a hellava lot of offense going with a 1000 plays," explained Romo. But Owens in a fit of anger flushed the 1000 plays down the john yesterday sparking anger from Witten.

Witten and Owens tusselled on the floor for several hours until they both realized that both needed to share one remaining roll of toilet paper. The two made up quickly with Owens saying, "At heart, we're teammates and we go to battle together each Sunday so sharing toilet paper is just what we do." Witten took several sheets of paper, wiped his ass, and then diagrammed several new plays with short flat passes to himself while Owens was downfield as a decoy.

Romo and Witten wrote plays in Arabic on toilet tissue to confuse Owens.

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THUNDER PLAYERS HOMESICK FOR SEATTLE

Oklahoma City, OK -- The Oklahoma City Thunder were forced to cancel their games this weekend due to an epidemic bout of homesickness.

Several nights ago, a large contingent of players left Oklahoma on a bus bound back to Seattle. One player told reporters that, "I just miss my mom and there's nothing to do in Oklahoma City." Players started feeling blue after the firing of coach P.J. Carlisimo last month. "P.J. would read to us and tuck us in at night when we were sad," said forward Kevin Durant, "but if I'm going to be 2-21, I want to be 2-21 in Seattle."

NBA commissioner David Stern admitted, "Oklahoma City sucks and who's f***ing idea was it to put a franchise there?" "Seattle's got that really cool fish market where they throw the fish at the customers," explained Stern, "and whenever I go there it's just a ton of fish fun." Stern asked the obvious question, "Have you ever looked at Oklahoma on a map? It looks like a big finger saying, 'get the hell out this boring place and go west young man.'"

It does sort of point back to Seattle.

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AL UNSER JR. BLACKMAILED OVER SEX TAPE

Albuquerque, NM -- The Albuquerque District Attorney's Office said the head of a prostitution ring tried to extort money from racing legend Al Unser Jr. with claims that he had a "compromising" video tape of him.

The suspect, 47-year-old Bobby McMullin allegedly asked Unser for $750,000 for the tape or else he would release it to the public. Speculation was rampant throughout New Mexico about what exactly could be the contents of this "compromising" video. "Gee," asked one speculator, "I wonder what could be on a compromising video by a guy who runs a prostitution ring?" "Another asked, "Do you think...no, it couldn't be...but maybe, just maybe...no, no, might it be that Al Unser Jr. was doing...no, no, no...I hope not or I could never watch auto racing again."

More speculation surfaced as the day went on the quite possibly the tape may show Unser in a compromising position with someone in the back seat of a Volkswagon. "I sure hope that Al Unser Jr. would not be in a compromising position in the back of a Volkswagon," said one speculator. "I mean, come on now Al, you're a big race car driver, you could at least get in a compromising position in a better model," he added.

A NASCAR official said, "Some of the best action at NASCAR takes place in the parking lot...in fact, I'll buy the tape rather than watch another f***ing auto race."

Could anyone get in compromising position in one of these cars?

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MARK CUBAN BUYS ILLINOIS SENATE SEAT

Chicago, IL -- Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban has reported made a deal with Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich for the senate seat vacated by President-elect Barack Obama.

Cuban's two billion dollar offer exceeded George Steinbrenner Jr.'s bid by $3.98. Cuban will begin serving his term tomorrow and said yesterday he plans to entirely re-vamped the Senate.

"First, I'd like to tear down the Capitol and really put up a nice building," he told reporters. "Have you ever tried to watch the senate proceedings from the gallery seats? It sucks!" said Cuban. "I wanna put some luxury suites in where you can watch a bill get debated while having a nice buffet served by some really hot chicks," he promised. In addition Cuban plans to create a Senate dance team and halftime show.

"There's a lot of downtime when the Senate breaks and I'd like to fill that time with some entertainment...running the U.S. is all about entertainment so let's get Nancy Pelosi in a nice halter top, some bikini bottoms, and some high boots!" emphasized Cuban in his first Senate proposal. Cuban added, "And how about a 'Dancing With The Senators' where we can vote some of these bastards off the show?"

Senator Robert Byrd (W.Va) voted off the Senate floor with two partners after his "Dancing With The Senators" routine.

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PETA AND FTAHABALNTV SQUARE OFF OVER STADIUM FOOD

Oakland, CA -- The on-going debate between PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) and FTAHABALNTV (F*** The Animals How About Being A Little Nicer To Vegetables) took a turn for the worst yesterday when members from both sides hurled insults at each other outside the McAfee Coliseum in Oakland.

PETA officials and supporters had gathered to honor the Oakland Raiders for having the best vegetarian menu in the NFL. PETA cited a menu that includes veggie dogs, veggie burgers, and baked potatoes as making McAfee Coliseum a top mecca for vegetarian football. PETA members held up signs saying, "Al Davis scores points for animals!" and "The Raiders suck but at least they don't have clogged arteries!"

Not everyone present was so enamored with Davis or his vegetarian record. FTAHABALNTV spokesperson Freda Payne asked, "Does anyone care about the vegetables that were killed to make the veggie hot dog?" "Have you tasted a veggie dog? You want to just puke the f***ing thing out as soon as it passes your lips!" Payne screamed. "I'm here to defend the carrots, the broccoli, and the rutabaga and their right to sit in the ground," she stomped. She passionately pleaded, "Imagine being a carrot and some asshole comes up and just pulls you as hard as he can and next thing you know you're being shredded and diced and placed in a big hot dog making vat of other mangled chopped up vegetables...where's the humanity?"

PETA reps angrily retorted, "Why don't you shorten that acronym?" and "You probably can't even fit your name on letterhead!" Famous activist Rodney King pleaded with both sides, "Can't we all just get along? Isn't life just one big stew anyway? With a little meat and a little vegetables?"

Try looking at this and eating a veggie burger at the same time...impossible.

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GHOST OF MATT MILLEN STILL RUNNING THE LIONS

Detroit, MI -- Reports coming out of Detroit say that fired GM Matt Millen's ghost is still calling the shots for the embattled franchise.

Conventional wisdom says that once the Lions fired Millen after Week 3, they should have secured at least one win this season but instead not stand 0-13. An NFL inside source told Jockweb yesterday that Millen's firing earlier this year, "was just a ploy by the Ford family to appease angry fans but they allowed Millen's ghost to stay around on the club's payroll making all football decisions."

Several stadium employees have reported that they have seen the ghost of Matt Millen. "It's one of those flimsy see-through kind of things you see in movies except it's Matt Millen doing stupid things like bringing in Duante Culpepper as quarterback," said one facilities employee. Millen's spirit is said to be house in a luxary box high atop Ford Field and was very instrumental in trading receiver Roy Williams to the Cowboys.

One Lions employee said the ghost speaks out at night when the stadium is empty. "If you listen carefully," explained the employee, "you can hear Matt Millen say, 'Let's spend the first pick in the draft on another receiver', which just scares the beejeesus out of anyone."

The ghost of Matt Millen was seen yesterday trying to woo Barry Sanders out of retirement.

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VIKING PLAYER EXPOSED BY FOX

Minneapolis, MN -- A member of the Minnesota Vikings had his member exposed to the entire NFL football watching audience yesterday during the postgame show.

In the Fox show following the 1pm games, cameras cut to the Vikings locker room where team owner Zygi Wolf delivered an emotional speech about coach Brad Childress' son, who is off for a tour in Iraq. On live television, one of the players stood naked before Wolf for so that all viewers were treated to a rather well-endowed Viking.

TSB boss Chris Mottram said the exposed Viking in question quickly covered with the towel, but the damage had been done. The penis was exposed and Fox had no choice but to let Wolf finish his speech. The players listened attentively and the viewers watched the penis dangle with great fascination.

"Not since Janet Jackson's right nipple has a body part commanded so much attention," said Fox broadcaster Dick Stockton. Later Stockton exposed himself at a local playground because he said, "I was filled with the spirit and I had a raincoat on."

Fox producers announced that the outpouring of positive feelings in terms of increased ratings has been overwhelming. "It's very gratifying to see that our viewers appreciate a random penis occasionally showing up in their living rooms," said announcer Joe Buck, "and wasn't me this time."

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TEBOW DELIVERS ON PROMISE

Atlanta, GA -- University of Florida quarterback Tim Tebow promised Gator fans that he would make up for an earlier season loss by beating No. 1 Alabama.

Tebow led the Gators in a come from behind 31-20 victory of the Crimson Tide yesterday to seal the SEC championship and a shot at the national championship.

Florida coach Urban Meyer called Tebow, "The greatest living human being on the planet and quite possibly the fourth person of the Christian Trinity... after God the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost comes God the Tebow." Tebow scuffed off the comparison by saying, "Let's just say it's all about team and if you Jesus wants me on the Trinity team then I think next week we can beat Satan."

Later Tebow made another promise to his God, country, and team. "I guarantee that I will lead this country out of this deep recession and back to economic prosperity." Economists have been baffled about the current crisis in financial markets but all agree that Tebow can restore confidence to the sagging financial sector. "With Tim out in front leading us, we can get the credit markets moving again," said President Bush. "I love Tim Tebow and I will follow him in the valley of death," promised Bush. "Then again, I followed Dick Cheney on a hunting trip," Bush added.

Tebow emphasized, "The economy is just like a football game, creditors are blocking and borrowers are passing and we need to tackle issues and if that isn't a hellava metaphor then I don't deserve to repeat as Heisman winner."

Nice Tebows!"

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