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February 2006 CROSS DRESSING CHEERLEADER SAVES THE DAY Lodi-- What started as a potential tragedy turned happy ending last night at the Harwinkle Gymnasium at a college basketball game in Kentucky. During the pre-game festivities, the home team cheerleaders for Southeastern Central Northwestern Kentucky State were leading the crowd in cheers when cheerleader Mindy Gishman sprained her ankle. Gishman explained, "It was just a very routine 'Give me a _ cheer with a foot stomp. But the ankle just gave out." Cheerleader coach Tess Figler was thrown into a panic. "Mindy is the top point person on our halftime pyramid and we were terrified." Luckily Rae Bradburn, a junior who likes to cross dress, was present at the game. Bradburn was immediately commissioned as a cheerleader and was able to perform all of the complex cheerleader routines. Figler said, "Rae was able to cheer with the men for the first half and then slip into Mindy's uniform right before the half for the pyramid. He surprised us all, he was a real trooper." Bradburn explained that he had been cut from every cheerleading squad that he ever went out for. "It was the fulfillment of a dream and I was glad to be able to help out. I think we fooled everyone that I was Mindy." All except for Mindy's mother. Mrs. Nan Gishman said, "I could tell by the crotch bulge that it wasn't my Mindy."
REDSKINS TO PLACE "SPITOON" ON SIDELINE FOR TAYLOR Washington -- As the Washington Redskins packed to leave for their playoff game against Seattle, equipment manager Rocky Rhodes was presented with the challenge of a lifetime. Just before leaving their practice complex, Rhodes received a directive from the NFL front office to bring a "spitoon" to Seattle and place it on the sideline. After last week's incident with Redskin Sean Taylor spitting in the face of Buccaneers' Michael Pittman, league officials said, "We just want to take the necessary pre-cautions." Rhodes said the pressure to find a "spitoon" at the last minute was enormous. "You know how they say if you want to find 'IT' on eBay, you can find 'IT'? Bullshit, nada, not a one." Fortunately for Rhodes, the Baltimore Orioles up the road, came to his rescue. "Actually, they had purchased a spitoon when one of the Alomar brothers played there, so we were able to get one for the trip." Coach Joe Gibbs was hopeful that Taylor would use the spitoon. "Sean has a major problem with his speech. He slurs his s's, which gives him a mouth full of saliva. Sometimes when he talks with you, you can get a face full of spit." Taylor explained that during last week's incident, he didn't intentionally spit on Pittman. "I was doing my speech therapy exercises. All I said was 'Slippery Sloths Slide on Slippery Slides' and Michael got in my face." Taylor said he would try to use the spitoon as frequently as possible but during the game, "I use a lot of s-words."
JOCKWEB INVESTIGATIVE REPORT: OPRAH BOOK CLUB SELECTION FOR OF LIES! -reported by Dan Rather-Flimsy If you've pick up the Oprah Winfrey book of the year or whatever it is, the one about the guy recovering from alcohol and drugs addiction, beware. James Frey's personal account, "A Million Little Pieces," is full of factual inaccuracies. Frey dismissed the accusations by saying things like, "What do you want, I was drunk, and I didn't remember so I made it up," and "Hey, about 50% of it is true and that's pretty good, don't you think?" Well, I've read the book and I've done some homework and I'm telling you that I'd put the fiction fraction up to about 53%. On page 17, he talks about throwing the winning pitch at a t-ball game when he was 6. "I was coked out of my mind," Frey remembers. This is pure crap. No one pitches in t-ball even if you are "coked up." On page 47, he talks about watching the 1998 NFL game between the Cincinnati Bengals and the Arizona Cardinals, while being "coked out of my mind." Bengals and Cardinals in a playoff game? The Bengals only picked up Carson Palmer, like two years ago. And then he talks about watching the LA Clippers championship parade, while being "coked out of my mind." Drug, stoned, or comatose, everyone on the planet knows the Clippers haven't been over .500 since the franchise's inception. There's more but I won't bore you with the details. I'm disappointed in Mr. Frey because for a few pages I really felt bad for him. But when he started blatantly making things up, I had to withdraw my support. And quite frankly, I'm pissed at Oprah. She's repeatedly refused my amorous advances saying she's in a committed relationship and has not returned my calls in the last three weeks. Oprah, I won't be tuning in until you issue an apology. Or if you advertise on Jockweb, we'll forget the whole thing. LETTERS TO THE EDITOR Periodically, we at Jockweb, receive emails about a variety of subjects. Unfortunately, most are questions that involve knowledge of Newtonian Physics and Advanced Nuclear Thermodynamics. Normally, we just delete them because basically we're stupid and we, too seek a deeper understanding to all the mysteries life poses to us. However, occasionally we like to print an answer to a query that we think might have universal interest to our readers. Henry from Bath, Maine writes: Dear Jockweb, Recently I heard a rumor that Maria Sharapova is preggers with the love child Jockweb staff member, Rudy Yoder. Can you confirm this?
Dear Henry, Yes, we're happy to report it's true, Rudy has impregnated a woman, which if you've seen Rudy, is no small feat. Unfortunately for Rudy, it's Mari Shrapov, the greeter at our local Wal-Mart. Mari passed herself off to Rudy as the tennis pro and told Rudy that her missing front teeth were the result of a slam by Jennifer Capriotti. Mari just a tad under 46 and and we'll politely say she shops in the Plus aisle and in Rudy's disappointed words, "She's no Maria Sharapova." But Rudy's determined to make it work even though he basically makes nothing sitting around our office all day reading the sports page. WISCONSIN RUNNING BACK BOOKER STANLEY EXHIBITS BADGERNESS Madison --Wisconsin tailback Booker Stanley was charged with sexual assault, battery, and carrying a flashlight without a battery, and jumping bail in connection with a pair of alleged fights with his girlfriend. He also faces other charges from a fight last April. University spokesperson Cole Day said that the University is fully supporting Stanley "because through and through, he's a Badger." Day explained that Booker resembles most the Taxidea taxus badger who range over most of the central United States. "Unless it is courting, it lives apart form others of its kind, hunting, wandering, and sleeping in temporary burrows." Badgers are great diggers and normally don't seek to attack but, when driven to bay, its great muscular power and tough skin make it a mean fighter. According to veteran Badger experts, Stanley is exhibits the characteristics of several other members of the family Mustelidae, most notably, the ferret and the weasel. Dr. Brock Brokko described Stanley "as short-legged, heavy set, a good runner, with a strong lower jaw capable of holding prey with utmost tenacity." Brokko added, "In other words, a badger with a sex drive, watch out girls." Stanley had no comment and his attorney said his client was innocent. "Booker just wants to burrow deep and sleep through the winter. And then wake up and get ready for spring practice."
"Badgers like to put shoe polish under their eyes to look mean," says Dr. Brokko. BODE MILLER HITS FOUR, LEAVES SCENE Mountain View -- Olympic skier Bode Miller hit four people while skiing drunk and then left the scene of the accident. Witnesses say that Miller was skiing at a very fast speed, moving from side to side when he ran into a group of beginning skiers during their their first lesson. Miller skied on, leaving the carnage behind and was later arrested on Route 152 in nearby Wobble. Ray Plough was one of the ski students in the instructional group but was spared in the accident. Plough described the scene as, "We were doing that stupid thing where you walk up the mountain sideways. Everyone was falling all over the place and saying how skiing really sucks. Then all of a sudden there was a huge collision and this clown just kept going. Needless to say, the lesson was cancelled. Do you think I can get my money back?" Miller continued skiing down the highway to escape capture. After weaving in and out of several cars, he reached the bottom of the hill and was stopped by police. Office Billy Umbria said, "We had a massive barricade formed and then we realized, 'Hey we're at the bottom of the hill, he can't ski past us.' It was some good police work." Miller was taken into custody where he defended his skiing by saying, "Hey, it's not like I was operating heavy machinery or something. If I impaled someone on a fork lift then I could understand the fuss." Miller was cited for under section 4 paragraph 3 of the vehicle code, "just being an asshole in general."
Miller said, "I just want to put this behind me and get my sight set on Turin." REPORT SURFACES: PATERNO AND NICHOLSON TEAMED UP ON ORGY State College-- A report has surfaced describing a wild, out of control, alcohol, drug induced bacchanalian orgy in the hotel room of Coach Joe Paterno following Penn State's victory over Florida State in last week's Orange Bowl. Sources say Paterno was "out of his mind," when police were finally called in to break up the party. What began as a simple knock on Paterno's door by a couple of "cute girls," spiraled out of control quickly. The girls apparently were looking for "some action" but were turned away from several players' rooms because of curfew restrictions. The girls were referred to Paterno's room because one player said, "Coach Pa knows how to get down." Paterno immediately got on the phone to Florida State linebacker, A.J.Nicholson, and invited him over because, "he's a heck of a football player and chasing babes is a good way to forget about the loss. And whenever a couple of cuties knock on my door, I think of AJ, and I ain't sending cuties away. Dig?" Nicholson commented, "Coach Pa is good people. He old but he relates good to young folk. In fact if I wasn't going to the NFL, I'd transfer to Penn State just to party with Joe P." Some special interest groups have come forward saying that Paterno's behavior may have been inappropriate considering his role as a mentor to young people. Paterno laughed out critics by saying, "Hey, I may be old but I can show these kids a few things, and we're not talking double reverse."
THANKS ERIC R FOR THIS STORY! OLYMPIC SKELETON COACH FIGHTS HARASSMENT CHARGES Elizabethtown, N.Y. -- The coach of the U.S. Olympic Skeleton Team has been accused by some of the team's skeletons of sexual misconduct. Coach Tim Nardiello has been suspended since Dec. 31 after allegations of sexual harassment surfaced. The U.S Skeleton Federation, who governs the sport, issued a statement asking the public, "What the hell is skeleton anyway?" Skeleton team member Mora Mora (no relation to Atlanta coach Jim Mora, Jr.) explained that skeleton is "a fancy name for sledding down hill." In skeleton, participants lay face down on sled and proceed down a course, "scared shitless." Mora explained that the allegations stemmed from Nardiello allegedly asking if he could get on top of a female participant and go down the hill as a "Twosie." Nardiello said in court documents that when he was little, everyone who sledded went down hills as "Twosies." Other team members have come forward saying the Nardiello became really angry when team members wouldn't let him get on top and go down the hill together. One team member said, "He stomped his feet and said he was going to take his sled home." Skeleton experts say that going down the hill as a "Twosie" is extremely dangerous especially for the "person on top. And going down the hill with someone on your back isn't much fun either."
AGASSI INJURED IN RUN-IN WITH BROOKE SHIELDS Melbourne-- Andre Agassi pulled out of last week's Australian Open because of multiple injuries caused by tennis racket blows by ex-wife, Brooke Shields. Shields, who was vacationing with her husband and small children, accidentally met Agassi in a hotel lobby. Agassi explained that, "I had no idea Brooke was vacationing in Australia. Even though we're divorced, I thought I'd be a nice guy and go up and say hi." But Shields, seeming to be harboring bitterness toward the tennis pro, reached for his tennis racket and beat him senseless. A spokesperson for Shields said that "Brooke sometimes has some weird mood swings and you just never know how she'll react." Shields was subdued by hotel security but was heard yelling, "Hey I'm a big star and don't you forget it tennis dweeb. I went to Princeton, was an international hit at 12. What was I thinking when I married you?" Agassi said he harbored no animosity toward Shields. "She's a great gal but with some hormonal things going on. And she WAS really good in 'Blue Lagoon'."
MARCUS VICK STEPS ON NUN, NUN STRIKES BACK Richmond -- Former Virginia Tech quarterback Marcus Vick, kicked off the team for bad behavior, was charged yesterday for pulling a gun on a nun during an altercation in a McDonald's parking lot. Vick surrendered at the Suffolk magistrate's office after three warrants were issued for his arrest. Police said that Vick apparently was frustrated at 74 year old, Sister Ralph Mary, who was having a tough time making up her mind between a # 3 "Big Mac" meal or a # 6 "Filet of Fish." The elderly nun had McDonald's coupons scattered on the counter trying to calculate the most savings she could get, when Vick supposedly said, "Move it, b*%#h." The startled nun slipped on some french fry grease and while on the ground, Vick stomped on her with his foot. Later Vick explained to investigators, "I was trying to help her up when my foot just sort of, accidentally, drove into her calf." Sister Ralph Mary quickly stood up and hit Vick with her purse, opening a cut over his left eye. The two continued the fight in the parking lot. Vick realizing he was in a street brawl with a capable servant of the Lord, pulled out a gun. Sister Ralph quickly disarmed Vick and called the police on her cell phone. At her convent, Sister Ralph remarked, "that bastard will rot in hell." When Sister Ralph was told that Vick had declared for next year's NFL draft, the fiery nun said, "I hope the Packers take him early."
PEYTON MANNING CONSULTS WITH FORMER FIRST LADY Indianapolis -- Indianapolis Colts quarterback Peyton Manning revealed yesterday that he has been secretly visiting with former White House first lady, Nancy Reagan. Reagan, who dabbles in astrology, has been helping Manning figure out planet and star alignment. Colt observers say that Manning is paranoid that the New England Patriots are "laying low only to dash Manning's dreams again." Manning said, "They do this to me every year but Mrs. Reagan says this year I'm going to be on the cusp of a new moon with Orion in the northwest sky so I might be okay." A giggling Pat's coach Bill Belichick, talking with reporters yesterday, said, "Come on, this is going to be so funny. I can't wait to see the look on Peyton's face." Nancy Reagan explained that most of the 80's foreign policy under former President Reagan was made in consultation with the stars. "If Ronnie could count on me to fend off the old Soviet threat, then I can certainly help Peyton with the Patriots."
NORV TURNER FILES WRONGFUL TERMINATION SUIT Oakland -- Former Oakland Raiders coach Norv Turner has filed court papers claiming that he was wrongfully terminated by Raiders owner Al Davis. Turner said in a press conference, "He never liked me one bit. He used to make fun of my name. Once he said, 'What the hell kind of name is Norv?" Turner admitted that Norv is not a run of the mill head football coach name but added, "The name Norv is catching on." Davis denied that the name, "Norv," was the reason for the firing but did add, "I think if he changed it to Bill Turner or Joe Turner, we wouldn't be here right now. I think the owner has a right to move his team wherever he wants and to demand that his players and coaches change names he doesn't like." Turner's lawyer Norv Norville said, "Norv is a good strong Scandinavian name that dates back to 500 B.C. after the Viking pillager, Norv the Great. And the name is catching on. I know at least a dozen people who've named their kid Norv in just the past couple of months. My hairstylist's name is Norv and so is my mechanic's name, Norv. In fact, my proctologist's name is Dr. Norv." Davis insisted the 4-12 Raiders record was the sole reason for the firing. But he did say, "Players just can't go out on the field and risk life and limb for a 'Norv'."
WILLIAMS SISTERS DVD RECALLED AFTER CAUSING BRAIN INJURY Los Angeles -- Hustlers Entertainment, Inc. recalled copies of the recently released Williams Sisters reality television show. The show was cancelled on network TV but the production company released it on DVD for the Christmas season. Although only two copies were sold, the viewers suffered severe brain damage while watching the show. Hustlers spokesperson Haven Love said, "We were just trying to re-coup some of our costs and we didn't mean to harm anyone. We want to get all of the copies off the shelves before anyone else is hurt. And naturally we're bracing for a rash of law suits." Two of the victims are said to be in critical condition but doctors are optimistic that with time the brain lesions will heal. Dr. George Plunkett explained, "When the brain receives a sudden trauma like the Williams' sisters DVD, it's first response is to completely shutdown. It's a survival instinct that humans are wired with." Plunkett said that the initial CAT scans of the patients were "really frightening" but he feels with anti-doping medicines and total avoidance of the Williams sisters forever, the patients will resume a normal life. A spokesperson for the "Citizens Against Really Insultingly Stupid Televison" said, "It's this type of gross negligence on the part of the media that we want to stop." Richard Williams, father of the sisters and architect of their career, is busy at work on a follow up reality series on Fox, "Williams Sisters Perform Celebrity Plastic Surgery." UNIVERSITY OF BUFFALO TO MOVE FOOTBALL PROGRAM TO FLORIDA Buffalo -- The University of Buffalo announced that it was moving their Division I football program to the state of Florida. "We can't recruit anyone to Buffalo because it's too friggin cold," said coach Turner Gill. "We got one recruit this year and the only reason we got him is because he's from Iceland and Buffalo seems warm to him. He's never played football and the only sports experience he has is whale hunting." The plan calls for the football program to have practices and games in the "Sunshine" state. The players will still take classes at the Buffalo campus but commute to practice and games. Gill added, "It's probably going to add a bit to our overhead but I think we'll be able to compete." University President Dorf Dirkle said he was supportive of the decision. Dirkle commented, "Who was the numbnuts who decided to settle in this tundra? Do you think I can mabye get a job as equipment manager?" The move has unsettled most of Buffalo's residents. Buffalo streets department supervisor Bart Thawing said, "Come to think of it, it's really f*%^#ing cold here. What the hell are we doing under 80 feet of snow?"
NCAA HIRES PETE ROSE TO HELP WITH ANTI-GAMBLING MESSAGE Indianapolis- The NCAA announced today that is will bolster and crack down on its anti-gambling policy, particularly as the post-season tournaments loom close by. NCAA President Myles Brand said that the organization will be working closely with former Cincinnati Reds manager, Pete Rose. "Pete's a hellava gambler in his own right and mabye he oughta be in the Hall of Fame." Brand added that he himself was an "intellectual nerd who is entirely out of touch with the young people I serve." He commented, "Kids today drink, smoke dope, have lots of sex, and are gambling in record amounts. Myself, as a college president and head of the NCAA, I'm having no fun at all." Rose said he was happy to be back in the public eye. "I love tournament time and when they give out those office bracket pools, I usually get an erection." He added, "I'm honored they asked me and frankly I won't help them a bit, but it really helps my Pete Rose memorabilia business."
NEW "BIG GOD" CONFERENCE TO FORM Dallas-- The athletic directors of several religiously based Universities have announce the formation of an all-sport, all-God conference. The conference has been the dream of Liberty University's President, Rev. Jerry Falwell. "I think it's great that we battle each day on what church holds the truth and now we're gonna fight out on the field of competition, " Falwell explained. The conference members include: Liberty, Notre Dame, Texas Christian, Southern Methodist, Brigham Young, Ohio Wesleyan, Brandeis, Trinity, and the University of Scientology. Falwell responded to what seemed to be an imbalance in the athletic level of some of the schools. "All of us will have God rooting for their team it's just that God will be rooting for some more than others. And never rule out an opponent when they have God on their side," Falwell said. He added, "Personally I want kick some Catholic and Jew butt so we'll really be getting up for those Notre Dame and Brandeis games. Notre Dame head coach Charlie Weis said, "We've always played an independent schedule and we've loved competing for a national championship. But competing for the Big God championship is gonna be a lot of fun." Brandeis athletic director Hayme Solomon said, "The first thing we've got to do is go out and buy some equipment." Conference head Marshall Applewait said, "We're hoping to expand to include all of the major world religions eventually playing off in a possible "Armageddon BCS Series." Scientology coach Tom Cruise said, "Man, I love this woman, man, I mean it!"
BILLS BRING BACK MARV LEVY AT 80 AS OPERATIONS MAN Buffalo-- Buffalo Bills owner Ralph Wilson has brought Marv Levy back the team in the role of Director of Football Operations. During the press conference announcement, Wilson and Levy took turns napping. Wilson would wake up momentarily with statements like, "Hey Marv, Wilson was the best damn President this country ever had" or "I'd love to get that Betty Grable in the backseat of my Packard." Wilson, who is 87, said Levy will be paid to be "my grumpy pal and Buffalo fans can be sure we're going to the Super Bowl for the next three years and we promise to lose all three. Just like old times." Levy jumped right into the job today by firing all of the current Bills cheerleaders. "I want to get some older, more mature women to represent Buffalo. Remember those old broads in England who got naked and made a bunch of money on a calendar? Mabye we'll get them." The Harvard educated Levy, always known for inspiring his players with bits of history and quotes from ancient heros added, "I'm feeling a little gas-ee."
SPORTS MEDICINE RESEARCHER SAYS "I CAN CURE SPORTS HERNIAS WITHOUT SURGERY!" Stockholm-- A Swedish doctor announced today that she is able to help athletes with sports hernias without the long rehabilitation that comes with surgery. Dr. Inga Johansansansan breathlessly explained that her technique of deep, deep, deep, slow, slow, slow, warm, warm, warm, pulsating massage to the groin area can make the athlete forget all about the injury. Sports hernias are being reported in record numbers and 2005 was hailed as the "Year of the Sport Hernia." Unfortunately Dr. Johansansansan offers the treatment in Sweden but athletes who have made the pilgrimage haven't been disappointed. "She's a miracle worker," said Bill Femur, steamfitter from Altoona, Pa. "I'm not an athlete but and I didn't have a sports hernia but Dr. Johansansansan knew exactly what to do." Unfortunately, there is a long waiting list to see Dr. Johansansansan and she can only operate in Sweden. Dr. Johansansansan is not licensed to practice in the United States since she is not a medical doctor. "I'm a healer," she said and the "AMA wants to keep my technique out of the U.S. so they can perform expensive surgery." Experts predict that this is just the beginning. "I think sports hernias are here to stay and I can see them reaching exponential proportions," said athletic trainer Nick Intyme. "Thank God for Dr. Johansansansan.
Dr. Johansansansan said, "I'm just a people person."
AFTER WE PRINTED THIS ARTICLE WE RECEIVED THIS VERY NICE THANK YOU! From time to time, we at Jockweb receive some touching feedback on both the quality of the information presented in this forum and the usefulness in the lives of our loyal readers. We're happy to humbly serve our fellow man in any capacity we can and bring you up to date news from the sporting world. Publishing the millions upon millions of compliments we get, would border on bragging and trumping our self-importance and as we mentioned we're all about humbly serving. But every now and then we get feedback that we're changing lives. And that just warms us all over with fuzzy feelings. We wanted to share this letter from a reader who read an article on our site and it made a difference. Take a peek: Dear Editor, Recently while training for the Winter Olympics, I injured my groin. Being a female figure skater and darn good one, I was expecting to win the gold. And then the two most dreaded words an athlete can hear were spoken to me, "sports hernia." I broke down. I had visions of Donavan McNabb limping off the field after throwing an interception to the Cowboys safety Roy Williams in the fourth quarter of a tight game. Poor Donavan was ineffective all year and trying to stop Williams ended his season. I saw Donavan's eyes and I felt his pain. Of course, the Eagles management, realizing the team was going nowhere because of the team falling apart as a result of the T.O. fiasco agreed to end McNabb's season and sent him off for surgery. We now know that Mike McMahon was unable to fill his shoes as quarterback and Koy Detmer, the actual second string quarterback, never really got a fair shot. I observed all of this in the context of my own sports hernia and frankly I was very depressed. And then a friend recommended Jockweb. For my friend had read an article that described a revolutionary non-surgical procedure to cure a sports hernia. Yes, one would have to travel to Sweden and yes, the technique was experimental, expensive and promised no guarantee. But I was desperate. I had my agent arrange the flight to Sweden and I met with the Doctor you recommended. Sure the whole thing cost me several thousand dollars but I'm going for a gold medal and will stop at nothing. I received the treatment and I'm back on the ice and I feel great. Yesterday, I was thinking of swallowing a dozen qualudes with two quarts of Bud but today I'm as good as new, twirling and gyrating. Jockweb, you guys should get some sort of Pulitzer Prize or Nobel something. I love you! Sincerely, Michelle Kwan, Olympic Figure Skater Michelle, There are more tears in our office than Dick Vermeil at a Home Depot sale. We're just so happy for you and thrilled that we could help you and the United States Olympic effort. Particularly since all of this happened in less than twelve hours since we first reported the story. Now go out and win that gold for us, Michelle. "MICHELLE IS SWELL" will be our rallying cry this winter! And remember Michelle, ice that groin. The Editors
FALCONS MORA TO FIGHT NFL FINE Atlanta-- Atlanta Falcons coach Jim Mora, Jr. was fined $25,000 for using a cell phone during a game against Tampa Bay two weeks ago. Mora said that he has a cheap cell phone plan which does not include rollover minutes. "I know it was a mistake but I went with the 650 minutes with no rollover for $29.95. It seemed like a good deal at the time but the pressure to get those minutes in." Mora was desperately trying to call anyone who would talk with him. "I called teachers, old classmates, even my in-laws just to get my 650 in." Falcons GM said though he was hurt that Mora never called him, he understood. "Not having a rollover plan in this day and age, is surprising but Jim figured at the time, we were probably not going to make the playoffs so why not call some old acquaintances?" New Orleans receiver Joe Horn, who was fined for using a cell phone in an endzone celebration said, "I called Jim and I gave him the name of my carrier so hopefully, he'll learn his lesson." The contrite Mora said, "I'm a passionate guy. I'm passionate about winning, and sometimes get a bit obsessed and it carried over to my phone plan."
GIANTS' FEAGLES GOING FOR ANOTHER RECORD New York --Giants punter Jeff Feagles is at it again. After setting the record for playing in consecutive games over his 18 year career, Feagles is going for another record. Feagles is about to set the record for the world's largest blanket. "Knitting is something I like to do to pass the time," Feagles explained. Over his eighteen year career, he estimates he's on been on the field for about, "fifteen minutes, and that's with good hang time." Feagles was forced to watch a lot of football. And he says, "That means each Sunday, with TV timeouts, I'm sitting around for about three and a half hours. It gets pretty damn boring." So Feagles took up knitting "just for something to do." He began working on his current "afghan" during the '96 season against the Bengals. "It just sort of grew and grew, one patch at a time and now, I'm honing in on a record. The blanket, now big enough to cover the entire city of Hoboken, is multi-colored with a definite pastel dominance. "I like to work in a rainbow motif," Feagles explained, "and actually everything sort of goes well with Giants blue." Not everyone is happy about Feagles record, though. Coach Tom Coughlin said, "If I trip on that f*#%ing blanket one more time, I'm fining the bastard." Feagles hopes to cover the entire bench of players during this week's playoff game. "Can you imagine? All of our players under one blanket, snuggling to keep warm? That gives me chills."
EX-COACH HASLETT RELEASES PICTURES OF OWNER New Orleans -- Fired New Orleans Saints head coach Jim Haslett made good on a promise to owner Tom Benson that he made last week. Haslett told Benson that if he was fired, he would release to the press pictures of Benson in compromising pictures with barnyard animals. Benson responded that his football team would not be blackmailed and fired Haslett after a disappointing 3-13 season. Haslett immediately called a press conference and displayed the photographs. Unfortunately for Haslett, compromising pictures of Benson have been available for years. Benson remarked, "I grew up on a farm for chrissakes, someone had to take a few pictures." Associates of Benson explain that the NFL owner has always had peculiar tastes but "he's a decent guy to work for." Haslett appeared angry when nobody seemed to care. "I blame the Internet. Years ago pictures like this would have meant something and I probably could have kept my job. But people are just desensitized to this type of thing. I actually think this one with the sheep still shocks but I guess I'm just going to have to go back to being an assistant coach somewhere."
DREW BREES TEARS HIS LABIA, EYEBROWS RAISED San Diego -- San Diego quarterback Drew Brees learned today that he tore his labia. Fortunately for Brees, the season ended. Brees responded to the news with, "Gee, I didn't know I had one." Brees isn't sure how the injury occurred and didn't want to talk more about it saying it was awkward talking about his private life. His coach Marty Shotenfukenheimer reacted to Brees injury by saying, "Wow, that doesn't sound good, not good at all. I just hope it wasn't in his throwing arm." Doctors say that with rehab, Brees will be back in time for mini-camp. Dr. Moses Butrum commented this was the first labia injury he ever saw in a football player. He said, "In fact, this is the first football player ever to visit the San Diego Women's Center. Dr. Butrum added, "I didn't know he had one of these." Teammates were very supportive of Brees. A tearful Brees said that "I couldn't go through this whole thing without the loving support of my teammates." To lighten the moment, Brees took some snaps, dropped back, simulating play action.
READERS HELP WITH HUGGINS POSTER As a public service, Jockweb is assisting the Ohio Highway Patrol with it's public campaign to rid the state of dangerous characters. Throughout Ohio, citizens will be viewing billboards that contain messages to keep them safe. Jockweb readers have responded.
"HE PROMISES MONEY, CARS, AND HOOKERS. INTELLIGENT DESIGN?" "IF HE OFFERS YOU COKE AND A RIDE, FIND THE NEAREST ADULT RIGHT AWAY!" "KIDS, JUST SAY NO TO A HUG-GIN!" ASHLEE SIMPSON TO TRY COMEBACK AT THE ORANGE BOWL Miami-- Singer Ashlee Simpson, who just one year ago to the day, was booed off the Orange Bowl stage, will try it once more. "It hurt me because basically 72,000 said I sucked and I just want to make sure," Simpson said. Simpson's talent has been considered suspect by music critics nationally and her career is holding on by a thread. Orange Bowl halftime show coordinator Ralph Mimoma said, "It's not costing us a thing and the fans love to cathartically boo at the end of the performance. There's a shitload of energy coming down and that's exciting." Simpson's agent Harvey Blitz explained that he had shopped Simpson to just about every bowl game and didn't hear back from one. "We were going to have to settle for a urologists convention when the Orange Bowl folks said can you give us the same this year?" MEXICO ATTACKS ALAMO BOWL; HUNDREDS FEARED DEAD San Antonio -- In what can only be described as a "sneak attack," the Mexican army stormed the Master Card Alamo Bowl causing chaos and carnage among the 62,550 fans in attendance. "I was standing in line for a hot dog," said Mel Fippen from Saginaw, Michigan. "All of a sudden, waves of soldiers just kept coming. I've been following Wolverine football for a long time, seen a lot battles, but this was a dogfight." Michigan coach Lloyd Carr said he was, "damn proud of our defense. The Mexicans never crossed the 50 and they couldn't stop our passing attack." Michigan ran up 24 second half points against the Mexicans but unfortunately lost several hundred fans. Offensive tackle Randy Fitch described the scene, "Sometimes opponents shoot off cannons after they score but the Mexicans had real cannon balls. And it gets loud in the Alamodome." Order was finally restored when the Michigan band agreed to do all of their halftime formations in Spanish. Band director, Len Swizzle explained, "After a few cantina numbers and some tequila, we had them eating out of our hands." Mexican general Julian Javier Lopez declared, "We will never forget the Alamo and we want Texas back, though you can keep George W."
BUCKEYES SNEAK MAURICE CLARETT INTO FIESTA BOWL Tempe--Ohio State Buckeyes Coach Jim Tressel promised all week that he would be ready for the Fighting Irish of Notre Dame. "I knew if we were going to have a chance, we'd have to have some big plays up our sleeves," the jubliant Tressel explained. Ohio State bettered the Irish by a score of 34-20 but the game was marred by controversy. Little did Charlie Weis know just how far Tressel would go to pull out a victory. With the score tied at ten apiece and both teams struggling to move the ball, Ohio State quarterback called for the .38 special. QB Troy Fishey said, "We'd been working on this all week and we knew we'd catch them off-guard." After a time out, Ohio State inserted little used Maurice Clarett into the game. Clarett, technically only a junior, came onto the field wearing his lucky "13" jersey and carrying the play. "Everyone thought I was going to get the ball on the pitch, but we just ran a quarterback keeper with me out front," Clarett said. Clarett held up the entire Notre Dame defense with a revolver and some pretty scary talk. ND linebacker Tony Ambrosioglio told reporters, "He said don't touch the quarterback and give me all your cash so I didn't really care that much about a BCS game anyway." The defense parted, and Fishey marched 46 yards for a score. From that point on, the Buckeyes controlled the game. Coach Tressel commented, "Everyone hates Notre Dame so you can get away with this sort of thing."
RUSSIAN FIGURE SKATER SLUTSKAYA SPEAKS OUT, BREAKS DOWN Moscow -- Russian figure skating champion and Olympic gold medal hopeful, Irina Slutskaya broke down at a press conference pleading with fans to stop calling her, "slut." "My name is not Russian for prostitute figure skater," she cried. Slutskaya said that although she consciously tries entice and seduce men during her ten minute figure skating routine, she's only trying to score points. "I want get perfect 10," she sobbed. Slutskaya has gained increasing popularity amongst figure skating fans for her daring approach of mixing classical routines with pornographic suggestion. Her rousing tribute to film star Linda Lovelace won her a bronze in Leipzig. "Combining the acrobatics of skating and pornography has never before been attempted in our sport," said breathless commentator Dick Button. "She's added a whole new dimension to a double toe loop combined with a triple lutz." Slutskaya says she will continue to bump and grind until she gets the gold. "I am nice person, men like me, women like me, please just call me Irina."
VIKINGS TICE FINED FOR ILLEGALLY TELEVISING GAME Minneapolis -- The National Football League front office is taking action against Minnesota Vikings head coach, Mike Tice, for reproducing the Packers-Bears game with the "expressed written consent of the NFL." Coach Tice, who is no stranger to controversy, showed a taped version of the game to a group of local fans at a downtown "gentlemen's club." For the $100 cover charge, patrons were able to watch the game, complete with Tice's analysis, while getting free lap dances and feasting on an "all you can eat buffet." Tice, who ran into problems with the NFL office last year while scalping playoff tickets, said, "I can't catch a break." He defended himself by saying, "I was just trying to cheer our fans up after we missed the playoffs. I mean if you watch the Packers, you're glad you live in Minneapolis." Commissioner Paul Tagliabue expressed surprise that anyone would pay money to see a replay of the Packers-Bears game. "Even with a lap dance, I think I'd decline." Taglibue added, "You know for years we've had that stupid announcement about 'this telecast cannot be reproduced without the expressed, etc.' but this is the first time we ever caught anyone." Taglibue denied there was a conspiracy to "get Tice." "He's big, sort of dopey looking and he wear's purple. I'm sorry but he's an easy target,'" concluded Tagliabue.
TITANS McNAIR HAS LEG AMPUTATED, LISTED AS PROBABLE FOR SUNDAY Nashville-- Tennessee Titans quarterback Steve McNair had his left leg amputated earlier this week but said, "I'll be ready to go on Sunday against Jacksonville." McNair, who has a reputation for playing with injuries, said, "I've played with a lot worse than this." Titans coach Jeff Fisher shook his head and commented, "You know Steve, he's a competitor and you just can't keep him out of the game." Fisher added, "We've just put in more plays where he can move to his right." McNair hopped on his good leg during yesterday's practice but was still able to move the offense against Tennessee's low rated defense. "I felt good out there today and the missing leg affects my follow through but I just love playing. If I just stand in one place I seem to do better. Guys with two legs can run faster than me." Jaguar coach Jack Del Rio said, "We think he'll be limited in his mobility so we want to take advantage by rushing all 11 guys." Del Rio has told his team to look for screens and to keep their feet when they rush. Del Rio added, "If he starts hopping all over, we could be in for a long afternoon."
IVERSON ADMITS HE DOESN'T KNOW THE QUESTION Philadelphia-- Philadelphia Sixers all-star guard Allen Iverson admitted to reporters that "I don't know what the question is." Iverson, the self proclaimed "Answer," could not clarify what he is the answer to. "I'm just the Answer," Iverson claimed. I never thought I had to have a question. No one ask me and I thought "The Question" would make a dumb tattoo." Reebok Footwear announced that sales for "The Answer" basketball shoes have plummeted since the story was broken. Reebok spokeperson Pratish Tesh (no relation to John) said, "People want questions and they deserve questions not just answers. But we'll have to design "The Question" first. Sixers GM Billy King said, "This is a huge problem for us. We've been wracking our brains trying to figure out the question. It's frustrating when you have "The Answer" but you don't know what the question is." NBA commissioner David Stern said the league would form a task force to try to find out the question. In the meantime, Iverson is searching for alternate spots for a pre-quel tattoo. "If I have the question and the answer, that would be cool, " he sighed.
DICK VERMEIL ANNOUNCES, "RAINY DAYS AND MONDAYS ALWAYS GET ME DOWN" Kansas City -- Kansas City Chiefs head coach Dick Vermeil called a press conference yesterday where he was expected to announce his retirement. Vermeil said that he would return to coach the Chiefs next season. However, Vermeil did tearfully announce that the 70's Carpenters hit, "Rainy Days and Mondays Always Get Me Down," makes him cry. In addition, Vermeil added that sunsets make him cry, as well as the birth of a new calf. Other things that make Vermeil cry are "The Sound Of Music," with Julie Andrews and the holiday favorite "It's a Wonderful Life" with Jimmy Stewart. Vermeil explained, "I have enlarged tear ducts and I just cry at the drop of a hat." Kimberly Clark spokesperson Harriet Deweyes observed, "Coach Vermeil is a role model for all of America's men, it's okay to cry. We're happy to be a key sponsor of this football organization." Vermeil did say that when an opponent catches a ball over the middle and his linebacker "lays him out cold," he smiles a lot. Vermeil ended the press conference with the Lou Gehrig quote, "Today, I'm the luckiest man on the face of the earth." He then broke down sobbing and had to be carried away.
YAO MING ARRESTED FOR ALLEGED HARASSMENT, LATER RELEASED Houston -- Houston center Yao Ming was arrested by Houston police after he dropped his keys down the cleavage of a female parking attendant and then tried to retrieve them. Witnesses said that though it looked bad from a distance, Ming apparently just wanted to get his keys back. Ming who is 7'4'' accidentally dropped his car keys at the arena parking garage. However 5'3" attendant, Bitty Shorter was standing right in front of Ming with an opened neck blouse. The keys fell into the blouse and were lodged left center in the brassiere between the breast bone and the supported left breast. Ming instinctively reached down to retrieve the keys and Shorter struck a defensive pose. Shorter explained that she is trained in sexual harassment defense and knew immediately that Ming was a predator. "I'm am trained to strike right at the solar plexus but unfortunately that was out of my reach so I just settled for a good shot to his nuts," Shorter explained. While Ming was doubled over, Shorter called police on her cell phone. Police arrived to find a confused, writhing Ming on the ground. Officer Ted Bear said, "I don't think Ming knew what he was doing and now he's got an enlarged left testicle." Ming was taken to headquarters but later released. Shorter agreed to drop any charges against Ming saying, "We need his 21.5 a game if we've got any chance to turn this season around."
DOLPHINS McMICHAEL RECEIVES NFL'S "ANDY CAPP" AWARD New York -- The National Football League office announced today that Miami Dolphin tight end Randy McMichael is this year's recipient of their annual "Andy Capp" Award. The "Andy Capp" award is given each year to a player with offensive skill and domestic problems. Named after the wife beating, drunk comic strip character, the award singles out a player who has continually performed on the field, as well as putting his private life in the public eye. NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue made the presentation to an elated McMichael saying, "Randy, you can catch, block, tackle, and whoop your opponent and that's just in the kitchen." McMichael accepting the award gave credit to his wife. "Without her on the receiving end of some nice hits, I wouldn't be here. This award is as much hers, as mine." Last year's winner, Tampa Bay's Michael Pittman, was on hand at the ceremony and remarked, "It's sort of like Miss America handing the crown over at the end of her reign. It's a sad day but it feels good to hand over the award to someone as deserving as Randy."
STEINBRENNER EDICT: "LOSE THE BODY HAIR!" Sarasota -- New York Yankees owner has ordered his players to get rid of all body hair by spring training. Steinbrenner said from his winter vacation home in Florida that, "there will be no hair period on anyone in a Yankee uniform." Steinbrenner explained that "the Yankees stand for clean, wholesome American values and body hair can only bring problems to a locker room." GM Brian Cashman reiterated the Yankee commitment to a championship. Mr. Steinbrenner understands what it takes to win a World Series and lots of body hair, particularly around the genitalia can lead to Pediculosis Pubis." Pediulosis Pubis is characterized by lots of itching and occasional blue spots on the testicles. Cashman said that is can be controlled with special shampoo and lotions but without body hair, "you're clean." "The good news for Peidculosis Pubis sufferers is there are no adverse effects on fertility as long as you abstain for genital contact with others," said Cashman. Steinbrenner added, "We want Yankees procreating and making other Yankees so I can save some money in free agency."
OTTAWA SENATORS SUE MONTREAL FOR NAME Ottawa-- The Ottawa Senators are taking the Montreal Canadians to court in an effort to rename themselves the Ottawa Canadians. Team President Lareh Larouix explained, "We were sitting around the other day and it dawned on us, eh, we're Canadians too. Why can't we be the Canadians? So we're suing and mabye we're going to be the Canadians, eh?" Montreal spokeperson Guy de Mellee responded to the lawsuit by saying, "Yes, they are Canadians too, eh? Canada is a big, place with many people." Montreal fans rallied behind their great hockey team and long tradition by marching in the streets of Montreal chanting, "It's freezing in Montreal and there's lots of snow."* Other Canadian cities joined in the lawsuit. Toronto Maple Leafs spokesperson Guy de Lasourant echoed the Senators feelings by saying, "Yes, we are Canadians too though sometimes we feel we are very close to Detroit but Red Wings are confusing and we don't want to be Red Wings when we are Canadians and it's cold in Toronto too, eh?"
* Approximate French translation. LARRY BROWN TRIES TO SNEAK BACK ON PISTONS BENCH Auburn Hills -- Former coach Larry Brown appeared at Thursday night's Pistons-Warriors game and took a seat as head coach of the Pistons. Pistons guard Chauncy Billups explained, "He just acted like nothing happened and that he was still the head coach. At first, we thought he was joking but then it turned serious when Brown started calling timeouts over Flip's objections." Brown said that he was happy to be back in Detroit and that he taught the Pistons to play the right way. He kept repeating, "The Knicks suck and I don't have any friends." Saunders finally had Brown removed by security but added, "I don't mind Larry stopping back at the office to pick up the few boxes of pens he left behind but he went too far getting a technical with two minutes to go and we're up by a point." Brown is said to be negotiating with every team in the NBA for a GM/Head Coach position. Knicks GM Isiah Thomas commented, "Larry's just a restless guy. We were happy to get a month and a half out of him."
CHREBET RETIRES BUT FINALLY COMES CLEAN, "IT'S CHERBET" New York -- Veteran wide receiver Wayne Chrebet announced his retirement from professional football due to brain damage from continuous concussions. During his retirement announcement, Chrebet dropped a bombshell by explaining that "my name is not Wayne Chrebet, it's Wayne Cherbet." Cherbet explained, "I thought it would be really cool to sound French since there weren't any Frenchmen in the NFL." The Long Island native said that, "kids in the neighborhood used to call me 'Orange Sherbert' and it really hurt my self-image so I adopted a pseudo-French identity complete with a beret and a cigarette holder. I hung at Parisian sidewalk cafes and went to poetry readings in smoky sub-basement walk downs. Unfortunately, I spoke no French but I did sketch pass plays on paper napkins." Cherbet was discovered by NFL scout and legend, Yves Montandan. It was was Montandan who recommended changing the spelling to the more French looking Chrebet. Montandan was once quoted as saying, "I don't like a hard sounding 'T' at the end of a name, it should be Shre-bay not Sherbert." The name change was instrumental in bringing Cherbet to the New York Jets, where he went on to become the second leading receiver behind all-time leader, Don Maynoir. However, mounting concussions made it difficult for Sherbert to continue properly spelling his last name. "When you can spell your last name, it's time to hang it up, " said the dejected Sorbet.
'72 DOLPHIN CELEBRATION STOPPED BEFORE GETTING UGLY Miami-- The 1972 Miami Dolphins held a raucous celebration after finding out that their NFL record for an undefeated season had remained intact, following the Indianapolis Colts defeat on Sunday. Retired Dolphin players rented a boat and we're cruising a Miami waterway with booze, drugs, and scantily clad women. Boat skipper Al Fromish explained, "It started out simple enough. A group of happy guys celebrating but one thing led to another, and the next thing you know, we've got guys in their 60's begin stripping down bare ass naked. Fortunately, the cops got here on time." Miami marine police were quickly called to the scene where the party was stopped and ex-players were cited for "virtual" lewdness. "Virtual" lewdness is a summary offense resulting when over-aged citizens entertain dirty thoughts and try to act on them. Police officer Ivan Knoluk said, "We got there just in the nick of time or it could have been real ugly. Viagra, a Colts loss, and some aging hookers could have resulted in real public nuisance." A retired Dolphin lineman remarked, "Did you see Csonka's gut? And how about Shula's butt?" Legendary Dolphin coach Don Shula said, "It was just a couple of old guys doing what old guys do when they stop playing ball, drinking, and chasing hookers. 17-0 baby!"
TEMPLE'S BOBBY WALLACE NAMED AP "COACH OF THE YEAR"
NCAA GRADUATION RATES UP .00000001% SAYS MYLES BRAND Indianapolis -- NCAA President Myles Brand had great news for member schools when he announced that graduation rates among student-athletes jumped and amazing .0000001%. "We're just ecstatic and it proves that the NCAA can make significant progress when we put our mind to it," said the smiling Brand as he toasted a champagne. He explained, "We set our target at .000000099% and to exceed that just shows the level of commitment that our member schools have to the student in student-athlete." Ex- Colorado football coach even was able to put his bitterness aside for a few moments to praise the organizations efforts. "To think you can get into a major athletic program with no SAT's and then have the schools graduate anyone is an accomplishment in itself." Alabama linebacker Boo Radley said, "Even though I can't spell gratchieachen, it sure feels good to gratchieate." YOKO ONO TO PERFORM AT SUPERBOWL AFTER STONES PULL OUT New York -- NFL representatives announced that the Rolling Stones have canceled their date to perform at this years' Superbowl and they have been replaced by Yoko Ono. "The Stones withdrawal is a big disappointment to all of us," said halftime show coordinator Candy Sweet. "But we were darn lucky that Yoko was available." Rolling Stones agent Nigel English said, "For chrissakes these guys are just too goddamn old. Jagger thinks he's Richards and Richards thinks he's Brian Jones. Rock and roll dementia. Besides, who wants to see Mick Jagger parading the stage in tight pants with a bulging Depends?" NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue, a seasoned cultural critic in his own right, commented, "Yoko Ono has been and remains a relevant force on the pop music scene." Ono said she was excited to perform several songs from her upcoming album. She plans to open the show with "Cold Turkey Delivery," her recently released single. The song is a thirty minute reenactment of "going through labor with twins simultaneously while withdrawing from heroin." Ono explained, "I took John's original 'Cold Turkey' and added the labor part. I think the audience will both reminisce and empathized with women who are exploited my a male dominated hierarchy who conspires to keep women as subservient, sex toys." Ono will be backed by a chorus of scantily clad NFL cheerleaders. NFL observer John Clayton exclaimed, "It's the next best thing to a Beatles reunion!"
RIOTS FORCE WORLD TRADE ORGANIZATION TO DRAFT "FIRE MILLEN" DOCUMENT Hong Kong -- The 149 countries of the World Trade Organization released a joint statement calling for the firing of Detroit Lions GM Matt Millen. Large scale protests have marred the annual meeting of trade representatives in Hong Kong. Riot police moved in on Sunday with tear gas and rubber bullets to dispersed a large angry mob, who demanded that the Lions ownership fire Millen. Horako Tunishida of the Japan delegation explained his country's position on the matter. "Matt Millen very bad, very bad, he no goody manager, fire, fire, fire." Japanese fantasy league owners say that the Lions have consistently been poor performers and they blame Millen for a series of bad management moves. Elsewhere, King Kippkantoop of the island of Uwbantuba offered Millen a position in his government as court jester. The King said with a smile, "The guy just makes me laugh, I'd like to have him for my country because we stink at everything, but we have fun."
NFL SHOWS MOVIE DURING TV TIMEOUTS Houston-- The NFL and Fox experimented with an new revenue generating idea during the regionally telecasted Houston Texans-Arizona Cardinals game. During TV timeouts, the network showed the movie, "Lord of the Rings." NFL spokesperson Larry Curley explained the logic behind the idea. "We just figured in a three hour game, we can squeeze a movie in during the TV timeouts. A lot of people forget, there's about a full three hours of timeouts. And if it's a lousy game, like a lot of NFL games are, why not watch a movie?" Television viewers in both markets responded enthusiastically. Arizona fan Nate Fryedskin said, "Any chance we get not to watch the Cardinals is a good thing and I loved that 'Lord of the Rings' picture." NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue thinks the NFL may be on to something. "Anything we can do to generate more revenue for our owners while reducing costs can only mean more money for me." Next week during the San Francisco 49ers game, tune in to the hit film, "Clueless." PENN STATE WILD WITH CELEBRATION OVER LOSS TO MICHIGAN College Park, PA -- The campus of Penn State University was wild with celebration this entire weekend ecstatic over their football's team earlier last second loss to Michigan. University President Dr. Theodore Sisil explained that the Michigan loss turned out to be a great moment for the school's football program. "Playing a meaningless Orange Bowl game and collecting a big check is a good thing for the University," Sisil said. He added, "If we had gone undefeated, we'd be playing a meaningless Orange Bowl game and collecting a big check but we'd be really pissed watching the Texas-USC match-up. Students reveled to the wee hours of the morning drinking, overturning cars, destroying property, and generally having a great time. Penn State coach Joe Paterno commented, "It's good for the kids to get it all out. You can't forget that for the past four years they wanted to put me in a nursing home so you can imagine, I'm happy playing in a meaningless Orange Bowl and collecting a big check." Boston College coach Tom O'Brien echoed Paterno's comments by saying, "We're happy playing in the meaningless MPC Computers Bowl and collecting a big check."
SHAQ PATROLS MIAMI, "HE'S TOO BIG FOR POLICE WORK!" Miami -- Shaquille O'Neal was sworn in as a reserve police officer on Thursday and immediately began patrolling the streets of Miami. Partner Rudy Tanjonvich said, "He ain't exactly the daintiest thing on two feet. Most of the time we're trying to sneak up and catch criminals. Shaq sort of creates an earthquake effect, letting the crime culprits know we're on the way so all the bad guys get away." O'Neal who gets paid one dollar per year was shaken by his partners critique saying, "What do they want for a dollar a year?" However, there was good news about several real contributions that O'Neal made to the force. Tanjonvich explained, "He's real handy to hide behind. We're engaged in some serious gunfire with some local drug lords and about four of us were able to find cover behind Shaq." Later several police held Shaq length wise and used him as a battering ram to break down a door. O'Neal said, "I didn't particularly enjoy having my head smashed into a door but I want to be just like every other officer and do my part."
TAGLIABUE AND WILF AGREE TO FURTHER INVESTIGATE BOAT INCIDENT Minneapoplis-- NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue and Minnesota Vikings owner Zygi Wilf agreed yesterday that together they would take over the investigation into the teams earlier season sex scandal. Conflicting testimony has put the process at a standstill and no one is clear if the investigation will lead to player suspensions, particularly while the Vikings make a playoff run. Allegations have flown that Viking players rented several boats from "Al and Alma's Supper Club" and then proceeded to engage in public acts of lewdness with women for hire. Tagliabue explained, "As commissioner I have to get personally involved. I'm going to need the names, addresses, and phone numbers of the women involved. I'm getting too many contradictory stories about this thing and I'm taking matters into my own hands. And my buddy, Zygi Wilf is going to be there with me." Wilf said, "When you hear from the players, it was just some harmless touching and feeling with some friendly women, you have to get involved." Wilf added, "Our plan is to spend some time with the women involved, question them, prod them, and really see if they are the kind of women who would behave in the manner they've been accused." The investigation will take place this Friday and Saturday night in a remote Holiday Inn. "We want to insure that the ladies' privacy is protected and that absolute confidentiality is kept."
RUSH LIMBAUGH, "DONOVAN MCNABB IS NOT BLACK ENOUGH" New York -- Liberal commentator and civil rights activist Rush Limbaugh said in his syndicated talk show that Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb, "is not black enough as a football player." Limbaugh commented that "I'm sick of Donovan trying to be a pocket passer. Black quarterbacks run the ball, they don't throw. He'll never be seriously considered as a great quarterback until he goes back to scrambling and running all over the place and forget about throwing the ball. And my brother T.O. is right, he choked in the Super Bowl." McNabb was visably shaken by Limbaugh's comments. In response he said, "For a brother to attack another brother shocks me. Rush and I go back along time and if he had a criticism of my game why couldn't he have just called me on the phone?" Black leaders from around the country came out in support of McNabb. Yesterday the congressional black caucus demanded that Limbaugh step down as a regional NAACP leader. Rev. Jesse Jackson said, "How can Rush call himself a brother one minute and then say something like this the next? He needs to keep it real." Limbaugh added, "People know me and they know I tell the truth no matter what my personal feelings are. Donovan and I are friends but that can't get in the way of me offering insightful sports commentary." Limbaugh did agree that he will not speak further on behalf of the NAACP.
DANICA PATRICK'S HUSBAND COMPLAINS ABOUT GREASY BED Phoenix -- NASCAR racing sensation and marketing sex symbol Danica Patrick has only been married for a few weeks but already there has been trouble in marital paradise. Husband Paul Hospenthal has gone public with complaints that she spends too much time in the garage. "I don't mind an oil change or an occasional brake job," Hospenthal explained "but I'm showered and feeling very sexy and she's doing a timing chain." Hospenthal was riding high during the first few weeks of the marriage. Family friend Goody Rinch explained, "Here's this 40 year old guy scoring a really hot NASCAR chick so he's feeling pretty darn good until he finds out he's a second place finisher to her car obsession." Things reached a feverish pitch several nights ago and local police had to be called to quell the domestic disturbance. Witnesses say that Patrick came to bed covered in grease, ruining some silk sheets that the couple received as a wedding present. Hospenthal also claims that Patrick brings tools to the bedroom and is pre-occupied with socket wrenches.
IRANIAN PRESIDENT DENIES DALLAS EVER WON THE SUPERBOWL Tehran-- Iran President Afzharanian Farsharanian speaking to a large anti-American rally said that "the Dallas Cowboys have never won the Superbowl. It is a fabrication of the American government. Another example of how they re-write history to justify their imperialist tendencies." Farsharanian added "their plan to force us to believe in America's team. It never happened. The Dallas Cowboys have never won the Superbowl. Our intelligence sources say that the Buffalo Bills have won seven times but have never received a trophy." NFL sources say that Farsharanian has long since harbored hatred toward Jerry Jones and all that he stands for and will stop at nothing to destroy Jones and the Dallas Cowboys. Iranians angered by Farsharanian's comments hung figures of Jerry Jones in effigy and burned Jones' like hairpieces. Protestor Mahsharanian Pharsharanian said, "Iranian will never accept the Cowboys as America's team and will die believing the NFL conspires to keep Phoenix Cardinals out of the playoffs for the last fourty years."
ITALIAN SOCCER CLUB ON THE "JUICE" Milan--Italian soccer powerhouse team, Juventus, has been accused of serving performance enhancing pasta and sauce. Team chef Enzo Puzio denies the allegations and vows to clear his name and restore the team's reputation. "It is bigga fatta lie, I serve the risotto, the rottelle, the sauce, no else," said the excited Puzio with his hands. Rival club coach Guido Lorenzo said the he has sampled some of Puzio's creation and "it made me more a man. My performance with ladies, way up." Puzio insists that the sauces he uses are " just a mild tomato, basil cream with garlic and extra virgin olive oil." Lorenzo angrily replied, "The team (Juventus) eat the pasta, they win the game, they get the ladies, it's no fair."
RAMS PONDER: "HOW DO WE BREAK THE NEWS TO MARTZ?" St. Louis -- A delicate situation has developed in the St. Louis Ram organization. Coach Mike Martz, who has been on medical leave for the past several months has not been told that his office was cleaned out the day after he went on leave." "The day after Mike went into the hospital, we cleaned out his office and gave most of his stuff away," explained Rams spokesperson Harry Bunion. "I guess someone just forgot to tell Mike that we found someone else and now no one wants to hurt his feelings." Rams management has tried several subtle techniques to drop the news on Martz but there is fear that Martz made be unstable enough to do harm to himself and others. "We thought about mabye a pizza delivery to his house," explained Bunion. "I thought we could spell out in pepperoni, 'Enjoy Retirement' but Mike hates pizza. We'll probably just do the guy thing after sex, not call." Counselor and relationship expert Cindy Sinders has been hired by the Rams to guide them through this delicate process. She explains that avoidance is the best way to handle giving someone bad news. "You never want to be direct or honest with a person," says Sinders. "If the players just see Mike in public, like in a Starbucks, they should just act like they don't know him and look the other way. Soon Mike will realize that he's not the coach anymore."
PISSY THE CLOWN A NO-SHOW AT T.O.'S BIRTHDAY BASH Atlantic City --Circus legend Pissy the Clown refused to perform at Terrell Owens' star studded birthday party, as a result of an ongoing contract dispute. Pissy was the highlight of last year's party and had quoted Owens a price to perform at this year's celebration. But as the party approach, Pissy's agent wanted to raise Pissy's fee. Pissy's agent, Rose Althouse explained Pissy's position, "Pissy is one of the three best clowns nationally and all we want is that Pissy be recognized as such. Last year, he proved he could reach out to both an adult and childrens' audience." "I gave the Owens' party some of my best work," Pissy told the press gathered in front of his tent. "If you look at the other performers at last year's party, they were at best, amateurs. One guy was doing some lame card tricks and the other guy was doing a Wayne Newton impression while I was busting my ass doing some killa animal balloons." Owens' spokeperson Lil' Flim commented, "While we appreciate Pissy's position on the matter, we can't have him disrupt the flow of the festivities. We had a price quote and Pissy refused to honor it."
EAGLES DAWKINS SHOOTS HIMSELF IN FOOT
Reported by Jockweb favorite stringer, Eric R. VAN GUNDY OUT AS COACH OF HEAT: REFUSES TO GEL Miami--Stan Van Gundy stepped down as head coach of the Miami Heat citing that "I want to spend more time with my family." But Heat insiders say that tension had been building between Van Gundy and GM Pat Riley for several months. One source explained, "First of all Riley could never get his name right. For years he thought his whole name was Van Gundy so he would call him Van. Then he started calling him Stand and everyone was always getting up, sitting down, getting up, sitting down. And that got old for Stan." However, the final straw came when Van Gundy refused to use an extra hold get that Riley demanded he manage his hair with. Van Gundy has always stood firm that, "I'm not a gel guy." Riley went as far as to hire a team stylist to travel with the Heat but Van Gundy would not let the stylist near his head. Riley said that without the gel look, "Van Gundy gets mixed up with porn star Ron Jeremy and that's not good for any franchise." Van Gundy's wife said, "The stay at home excuse is total crap. We don't want him at home anymore than he is now. Besides, when he's home that annoying little twerp of a brother of his, always drops in."
RON ARTEST IS OFFICIALLY ON SANTA'S NAUGHTY LIST Indianapolis--In a statement issued by Santa Claus earlier today, Ron Artest has officially been put on the "Naughty Not Nice" List. North Pole spokesperson Ty Smalls said in a prepared statement, "This is one crazy m*%*#^ f*@#^$%. We figured after the suspension, he'd be on his good behavior and get the Pacers back on top. But no, 'I'm not getting enough shots.' " Pacers coach Rick Carlisle expressed surprise that Artest demanded a trade to another team. "I'm hurt, wounded emotionally, and now I have to return all of the presents I bought Ron for Christmas." Carlisle explained that he went out of his way to get all of the things on Artest's list. "I put a lot of effort and thought into his gifts this year. I wanted to make it a very special Christmas for Ronny. So I got him the tire jack and nunchucks he wanted so badly. And the Mike Tyson's autobiography would have really put a smile on his face. But now, we have to trade him."
NHL'S BETTMAN WANTS POUND OF EVIDENCE Toronto--NHL commissioner Gary Bettman insists that Dick Pound back up his claim that hockey players are using performance enhancing drugs. Pound is the chairman of the World Anti-Doping Agency and he made the claim during a recent interview. Bettman was breathing fire when he said, "I want names, numbers, and specifics, not heresay and innuendoes. And all this coming from a guy with a name like Dick Pound. Sounds like a sado-masochistic masturbation ritual." Pound was attending an anti-doping conference yesterday when he responded, "I'll admit that we at the Anti-Doping Agency, are working hard to reduce the number of dopes both here and abroad. We've got a real problem with dopes." Pound added, "I will tell you as a denture wearer myself that there is a severe abuse of 'Poli-Grip' amongst NHL players. Whenever I'm in an NHL city, I can't get 'Poli-Grip', which of course means denture slippage, which means I have to be careful with what I eat." Bettman added, "I've heard the denture thing a million times and all I can say is that the NHL has done more for the advancement of dentists than any other organization in history."
LPGA GOLFER UNDERGOES NAME CHANGE Tampa--LPGA rising star Natalie Gulbis is considering a name change from Gulbis to Niceass. "Doesn't Natalie Niceass have a nice ring to it? It's a lot better than Gulbis," said golf pro at the county courthouse where she picked up the filing papers. "I think galleries are going to enjoy following Niceass rather than Gulbis," she added. Madison Avenue has already fallen in love with the sexy star and are salivating at the new opportunities the name change will bring. The Schumk Advertising Agency president, Blink Mooroffen said, "We see whole lines of new golf products like clubs, balls, and jeans. Can you imagine everyone on the golf course dressed in Niceass gear and playing Niceass equipment? I sure hope everyone's playing a Niceass!" LPGA officials had no comment but golf announcer Holden Midown was already practicing for next year's tour. "Niceass on the tee!"
BUFFALO BILLS MOULDS SHOVELS SNOW DURING SUSPENSION Buffalo--The Buffalo Bills suspended wide receiver Eric Moulds for conduct detrimental to the team. Bills coach Mike Mularkey said, "He always makes fun of my name. Like he always says things like, 'that's a bunch of Mularkey.' And I just can't have that kind of disrespect on my team." It is estimated that Moulds lost approximately $948,000 because of the suspension. Moulds commented, "That ain't that much money, I can make that shoveling snow in one afternoon in Buffalo." Moulds agent Drew Rosenhaus explained that, "Eric has a really good snow shoveling business and he doesn't need the $948,000. He gets $330,000 for a 40ft. driveway so if he does three driveways in an afternoon, he's way ahead of the Bills." Moulds added, "So I might have to hustle a bit shoveling but it's better than a bunch of Mularkey."
RANDOM DRUG TESTING INTERRUPTS NBA GAME Atlanta--Drug testing, during the middle of a game, forced the Atlanta Hawks and the Toronto Raptors to play with two players each for the second half of the game. NBA drug czar Jack Needles explained, "We have a random drug testing policy which means we just test whenever we feel like it. Well after watching the first half, we felt the game was so bad that the players must be on drugs. So we tested." Unfortunately for fans the testing kept the players in the locker rooms for several hours. Only four players tested negative, three Raptor players and one Hawk. In reality, only one player tested negative along with two ball boys and a halftime dancer. The four played a spirited game of two-on-two. Atltanta GM E.R. Vroom commented, "Our fans pay good money to see good basketball and I'll tell you, that was one of the best two-on-two games that I've ever seen." Hawks fan Bubby Blister added, "Watching the Hawks under the influence of drugs is as close as I've ever gotten to a real basketball game."
STOCKBROKER WHO SWINDLED SPREWELL , CHOKED TO DEATH New York-- A stockbroker, who swindled NBA star Latrell Sprewell and other celebrities out of millions of dollars, was choked to death in front of an approving court and judge. Calvin Darden apologized to Sprewell and the court of celebrities. "I'm really sorry I became a stockbroker. Swindling is part of the business and stealing from innocent clients is a time honored practice of the profession," said the contrite Darden. He added, "Nothing personal but where else am I going to get 6.4 million for a yacht?" The judge then requested that Sprewell step forward and "choke the shit out of this asshole." Sprewell obliged and afterwards said, "You know, it felt great to see his eyes bug out and I'm not getting suspended from the NBA for a year." San Antonio Spurs assistant P.J.Carlisimo viewed the Court TV replay and commented, "Latrell can hurt you from beyond the arc or up close."
SPORTSMEN ACCIDENTALLY KILL MEDITATION GROUP Hommah, NJ - A hunting club accidentally shot and wounded several members of a meditation group in the rural town of Hommah, NJ.. Hoomah had been experiencing a severe overpopulation of deer forcing the town council to allow a one day hunt throughout the town. The Hoomah Hunting and Rifle Club began the hunt at 7am. However, someone forgot to tell the Hoomah Yoga Boutique. The Boutique holds it's early morning "Yoga, Meditation, and Communion with Squirrels" Program each day in the town park. One of the Boutique members who was spared in the carnage explained, "We (about twenty of us) were doing our cobra position, which really strengthens the lower back, and we were all chanting our own personal mantra word which really helps you focus, but then people to the left and right just started going down." Police chief Bill Tornbush said, "It's just a damn shame these folks didn't know there was a deer hunt going on or mabye they would have been doing their yoga somewhere else but in the park." Hunter and club president Rummy Sykes defended the hunters saying, "From our scopes they just looked like a herd of deer. If there's a pack of thirty people doing yoga in a park, and you're sitting in a bluff a trees from a distance, you'd think they were deer too." Chief Tornbush added, "Next year we're just gonna have to do a better job getting the word out about the hunt."
NHL PLAYER ASSAULTED BY 101 YEAR OLD WOMAN Edmonton - A 101 year old woman and Edmonton Oilers fan wanted just one thing for her birthday. "I want to run my hands through Ryan Smyth's mullet," said Millie Banilli a resident of the Edmonton Home for Really Old Hockey Fans. "I just want to see him up close, rub my fingers through his hair. I love to watch him skate and bang people into the boards," she added. And Millie got her wish. Smyth came to the home and Millie ran her hands through his hair. Unfortunately, it didn't stop there. The excited and panting Banilli attacked Smythe and took him to the floor. Security wrestled her off of Smythe, who was visibly shaken by the experience. "Sexual harassment is everyone's problem," said the violated Smythe. "People think that sexual overtures by senior citizens to young hockey players is a joke but I'm a survivor and I can tell you, it's no joke." Smythe was escorted from the home and was immediately transported to a crisis center, where he will undergo counseling.
MICHAEL IRVIN TO RIVAL DR. PHIL New York, NY - ESPN announced that Michael Irvin will host a self-help television show which will go head to head in the ratings competition with Dr. Phil McGraw. Irvin was exonerated on charges stemming from being stop with a "crack pipe" because he explained to police that he was an addictions specialist. In a press conference Irvin explained, "I'm a doctor and yes, a recovering crack addict, so I help other crack addicts whenever I can." ESPN immediately saw an opportunity and created the "Dr. Mike" show which will air in the early afternoons in most major markets. ESPN thinks that Irvin's combination of addiction advice with football analysis will destroy Dr. Phil in the ratings. ESPN spokeperson Freda Basa said, "People are going to come to know Michael Irvin in a different light, as a sensitive, caring doctor who can also predict the winners of Sunday's NFL games." In the pilot episode Irvin explains to a crack addicted caller, "The best way to curb your crack habit is to turn your crack and your pipe over to me, and we'll just stash it in my car. And by the way, I think T.O.'s gonna play for the Texans next year."
STUDY LOOKS AT NASCAR NAMES A recent study by the "I Wonder Why" Institute, a think tank dedicated to asking stupid questions, released their latest study. Dr. Nathan Reely (not actually a doctor but received a PhD. in early to late Medieval pottery) said that he looked at the names of NASCAR drivers over the past two years. "What I found," Reely explained, " is that there's a hellava lot of guys in NASCAR named 'Rusty.' " Over 75% of all NASCAR participants, including drivers, pit crew personnel, and fans are named "Rusty." Reely said, "We're not sure why this is, but we wonder why? So we did the study. We have no conclusive answer because in the middle of the study, we just couldn't see the point to the whole NASCAR thing." STUDY REVEALS: RICHARD NIXON HATED HOCKEY Dr. Fred Turley, an historian and author, has just completed his book, "Richard Milhous Nixon: Ice Cold." The book represents 25 years of research that was funded by a $45, 630,842 government grant. Turley said that he was amazed just how much Nixon hated hockey. In one excerpt, Nixon is speaking with Watergate mastermind G. Gordon Liddy: Liddy: Hey, let's bug the Democratic National Headquarters and then go to a hockey game. Nixon: I hate hockey. I really hate that sport. I hate it, I hate, I hate it. Liddy: Alright already, we'll just bug the headquarters. Much has been said and written about former President Nixon but Turley sheds light on the whole hockey issue. Turley adds, "I hate hockey too, I was just amazed HOW much Nixon hated hockey." PITCHER NAEGLE GETS OFF WITH PROSTITUTE Denver -- Charges were dropped yesterday in a Denver courtroom against MLB pitcher Denny Naegle for soliciting a prostitute. Naegle was picked up after a prostitute ran from his car screaming, "Anything but that!" Nagle denied that he asked a woman for sex. "Come on, I'm a washed up pitcher, you don't think I can get sex for free whenever I want?" Later police admitted they had made a mistake arresting Naegle. "We're pretty sure we got the wrong guy," said Officer Harvey Blowstine. "On second look, we realized that the prostitute was not running from Naegle's car but from actor Hugh Grant's car, Blowstine explained. "And you know Hugh, he can sniff out prostitutes like a bloodhound on a prison break." Naegle said he left his house to get a lube job at a local mechanic shop and he had a coupon that was expiring. "Needless to say, with all the confusion, I never got my lube job and the coupon expired." FORMER TENNIS STAR PASSING BAD CHECKS Miami -- Former tennis star Roscoe Tanner was in court yesterday for violating probation on a charge of writing bad checks. Miami police said that Tanner was picked up dressed as a woman, writing checks under the name of Martina Naratilova. Detective Frank Costello explained, "Several merchants became suspicious when they saw someone claiming to be Naratilova and she was dressed as a woman. They called us and sure enough, it was Roscoe up to his old tricks." A clerk in a Pinellas County GAP store, Marcy Bright said Tanner came in the store and asked for several sports bras but "we don't carry sports bras so I sent him Victoria's Secret." Bright, a perky little blonde, expressed relief that she wasn't a victim of Tanner's scheme. "He was so nice in "Full House" as Danny and now this." Tanner, 55, who won the Australian Open in 1977 and was a runner-up in Wimbledon in 1979, has passed off checks under the names of Billy Jean King, Margaret Court, and Chris Evert. Last year he bought a Hyundai under the name of Pancho Gonzales. Car dealer Max Pearson said, "When you sell Hyundais, you don't care if the check is bad, you just want to get rid of them." Detective Costello remarked, "The guy I'd really like to lock up is that McEnroe."
CHALKY TALKY: AN UNEDUCATED OPINION FROM A NITWIT
COLTS REFUSAL TO WEAR UNIFORMS, A REAL DISADVANTAGE Hey, everyone's picking on the Colts this week. And yes, they choked again. And yes, Mike Vanderjagt's name should be spelled Vanderjet. And yes, we know the refs were trying to put it to the Steelers. BUT from where I'm sitting, I like to analyze the games by talking about the basics. And it doesn't get any more basic than the uniform. I'm sorry but if you don't wear a uniform, complete with pads and everything, I don't think you can compete against the other team, who took the time to put them on. Granted, putting on all that gear is a real pain in the ass, but it really smarts when you get hit by a running vehicle like Jerome Bettis, and all you have on is an Aeropostale sweatshirt. And the basics are square on the shoulders of the coaching staff. So I ask the question to the Colts coaches, didn't you notice when they came out of the locker room that they weren't dressed properly? Come on guys, that seems like a pretty simple thing, even for a guy like me. You get paid some big money, and I think the fans should be able to expect that you can at the very least, supervise the dressing of your team. Thank you! --Mort Rodann
CUBAN INVASION THWARTED BY COAST GUARD Havana -- The United States Coast Guard faced some tense moments yesterday when they engaged a very determined Cuban National Baseball Team, in what observers are calling a quasi-military confrontation off the coast of Florida. The Cuban team has been barred from participating in the World Baseball Classic because Cuban dictator, Fidel Castro, forgot to send U.S. President George Bush a box of Christmas cigars. President Bush told a press conference, "Fidel knows how much I like those Cuban cigars and if you leave off of your Christmas list, the leader of the free world, I just think that's inexcusable. They're not going to be allowed to play with us. In fact we're going to invade Cuba because we've heard they've got WMD's." The Cubans fought the Coast Guard for a full ninety seconds, fighting from three heavily armed row boats. Coast Guard Commander Bill Whetter explained, "They were pretty tired from rowing all the way from Cuba but they were pissed and had baseball bats. When they saw the aircraft carrier and the F15's, they shit their pants and started rowing home." Castro addressing the Cuban people in fiery speech said that "the MLB should consider Havana as an expansion city. Come on, they put teams in Canada, and we've got nicer beaches. As a rule I'm against colonial expansion but if we got a team, I'd get a really cool fitted hat." Pete Rose commented, "I never bet on Cuban baseball games."
COLTS' HARPER SENDS WIFE "UP RIVER" Indianapolis -- Colts defensive back Nick Harper didn't have too much time to reflect on the loss to the Pittsburgh Steelers. He was busy preparing for the loss of his wife. "What an opportunity!" exclaimed the jubilant Harper. "How many guys actually live through an attempted murder by their wife and then get a chance to put her in jail?" Harper's wife came at him with a fillet knife with what Harper claims was intent to do "a Lorena Bobitt on me. She was going for my ding-a-ling but hey I return punts so I just gave her a quick juke," Harper explained. Harper's wife claims it was an accident saying that it was a butter knife and she was just trying to put some low fat spread on his English muffin. Harper added, "She calls it an English muffin, I call it my dick, and I don't need no butter on it." Harper's wife did manage to graze his knee with the knife causing some penetration. The smiling Harper laughed and passed out cigars, "I got four stitches but she's getting four years. I call that win-win."
NEW SPORT INSPIRED MOVIE RELEASED (Review to follow) Hollywood-- A new inspirational sports movie was released to enthusiastic audiences throughout the country and has instantly become a box office smash. "Cricket Avenue", a new film by director Ridley Smott is based on actual occurances of a 1980's cricket team coming together to win the prestigious, Wicked Cup. The story revolves around a rag-tag group of Indian and Pakistani immigrants, who by day make tons of money sterotypically running 7-11's and Dunkin Donuts but on the weekends, they scramble together enough cash for a cricket team. The story involves their inability to gain acceptance in the snotty, high brow cricket world of Main Line Philadelphia. The wealthy elite of Philadelphia play cricket in exclusive clubs that are built for the privileged to keep the boring game of cricket alive amongst the boring WASP establishment. Enter our heros, Rajeesh and Harish, who try and join the exclusive Berion Cricket Club. Rejected by Berion's team captain, playboy Bruce Babasham, the two rebels go off and form their own team consisting of other immigrant players who couldn't gain acceptance into Berion. The climax of the film occurs when Berion agrees to play the upstart "Cream and Sugar?" Cricket Club. The game goes on for three days and it looks like Berion will maintain it's position as dominant, colonial oppressors in both the cricket and the world. But our boys come through in the ninety second hour with some brilliant bowling by bowler, Srinivas Modanathan. The "Cream and Sugar?" pull out the game against all odds and send the rich boys back to their swanky mansions without the cup. From then on, everyone gets along and there is pure cosmic understanding with no more racial or ethnic strife in the world. Director Smott says it is one of those "feel good movies you won't soon forget." Initial reaction was that Smott liberally stole from another current sport film and Smott agrees. "I stole the whole idea from that basketball movie and just put the cricket stuff in."
OFFICIALS ADMIT, "WE WERE TRYING TO WIN ONE FOR PEYTON" Indianapolis-- The crew chief for the officiating crew at Sunday's playoff game between the Pittsburgh Steelers and the Indianapolis Colts admitted that, "we were rooting for Peyton." Referee Bob Sykes asked after the game, "How much more can a human being take?" He then explained that, "Peyton was crying on the sidelines in the 3rd quarter and begging us not to let it happen again. We're officials but we have compassion, so we tried our best the throw the game. We had it set up perfectly but that kicker had to screw up the whole thing." Steelers coach Bill Cowher angrily spoke out against the crew. "It's all about my jaw. Even when I kiss people they think I'm pissed. I just look angry all the time and people don't take to me." The officials handed the ball back to the Colts after an apparent interception by Steelers defensive back Troy Polamalu. Sykes said, "The replay clearly showed it was an interception but I glanced over to Peyton with those begging eyes and I couldn't resist. I overturned the interception with absolutely no video evidence." Even Steelers running back Jerome Bettis got in on the act. "After Peyton was sacked on 4th down and we got the ball on the one, I saw how bad he was crying. When you see someone crying like that you want to help in the best way you can. So I fumbled. And the smile on Peyton's face made it all worth it. Unfortunately, that kicker undid a lot of good by a lot of people. Poor, poor Peyton." After the game, the dejected, depressed, suicidal Manning did manage to thank all those who conspired to throw the game his way. "Even though I had the support of friends and families, I'm going to call on you again, to amputate the legs of Mike Vanderjagt."
LARRY KING TO HEAD SEARCH FOR NEW RAIDERS COACH Oakland -- The Oakland Raiders announced that talk show host Larry King would head the search for a new coach. Raiders spokesperson Kip Kirshaw explained, "Larry's a big football fan and with an emaciated physique, he's never had the chance to play football. We thought it would be nice to make him part of the sport. And finding a new coach is pretty easy stuff, just a few phone calls and that's what Larry does best." King was thrilled but was a bit insulted by the Al Davis look alike comment. "Hey, I think I'm a better looking guy and so do the fifteen women who married me. I've bedded down more babes than Rasputin." The Raiders will begin the search on King's Thursday show during the call in part. King will interview past coaches Jon Gruden, Bill Callahan, and Norv Turner. Each will explain what an asshole Al Davis is to work for. After the talk show part, King will take phone calls from interested applicants and make his decision by the show's end. CNN program director Ferd Forking said, "This is compelling Larry King television and another example of how Larry can re-invent himself." Former Raider Barrett Robbins said from jail, "Wow Larry King and Al Davis really look alike, though I'd rather be interviewed by Larry. Al makes me crazy." Al Davis was unavailable for comment but sources say he was with his attorneys trying to move the show to another network.
FIRST MIRACLE ATTRIBUTED TO POPE JOHN PAUL Rome-- The Vatican announced today that they have investigated and confirmed the first of three documented miracles necessary to canonize Pope John Paul to sainthood. In the Catholic Church, there must be three divine interventions or miracles for promotion to sainthood. Vatican spokesperson Father Viggio Antonio Raphaela Michaelangelo Di Ceccihio explained "that in order for a dead guy to become a saint and have a church name after him, he's got to come back and pull some extraordinary shit." Harold Christenson of Rocky Mount, North Carolina prayed to the deceased Pontiff regularly throughout the football season and for his devotion, he won his office "Fantasy League." Christenson told of the tension leading to the last week of play. "I was neck and neck with Will Greisbach but I prayed to the Pope and he didn't." The deceased Pope recommended that Christenson start Julius Jones in Week 16 and the rest is history. "Jones tore it up in essentially a meaningless game but I took the $300 in the league kitty," said the jubliant Christenson. "I had a hard time figuring out the accent but it was a goddamn miracle for sure!" Pope Benedict commented about his predecessor saying through a translator, "Julius Jones? That's good fantasy play. I was recommending Kevin Jones for Week 16. Just goes to show, I'm not ready for sainthood."
NFL CUTS TIES WITH BONER DRUG New York--The National Football League announced that it would cease it's commercial relationship with the company that makes the erectile dysfunction fixer upper, Levitra. Spokesperson Tad Long said that the league's decision had nothing to do with unsatisfactory performance of the drug but "it's just that there's so many boner drugs to choose from, we didn't want to get pigeon holed." Long added, "We're real proud of what the NFL has done for the modern day erection. We've sponsored an enormous amount of really fine, firm, healthy erections." Levitra representatives said they were disappointed with the news. Company representative Lance Loodun said that sales for their product soared when coupled with the machismo of pro football. "Men associated football with an erection for the first time in history. It used to be you'd switch on the game and grab a beer. Today, you switch on the game, pop a pill, and grab a bimbo." Experts estimate that the Levitra sales increased 86,000% in the last three years but without the NFL's backing, it's going to be difficult to sustain that drive. NFL statistician Jack O'Laite figures that the NFL has been indirectly responsible for over 28,000 miles of erections. O'Laite explained, "If you were to put all of those erections end to end, you'd have a pipeline that could go all the way to the moon." "Wow," was Paul Tagliabue's response, "that's an obscure statistic." Taglibue added, "This isn't the end of the NFL and boners. We'll be talking with other manufacturers, and adding some parity to the boner pill market." Former Bears coach Mike Ditka said he was concerned that he might be cut off from the "free sample" closet in the NFL offices. "It's one thing getting a free boner, it's another to have to pay for it."
RUMOR HAS IT: Country singer, K.D. Lang will be attempting to win her first gold medal in the International Skating Championships. Lang said that figure skating was her first love but since she lived in the South, she was forced-fed a steady diet of "whiney, twangy, I'm pining for you, country music." Lang explained, "We didn't have no ice where I come from. But I always wanted to skate like Peggy Fleming." Because of her noteriety as a singer, Lang is skating under the name of "Johnny Weir." Lang skated a seven program last night to the music of Hank Williams Jr.'s "Are Your Ready For Some Football?" She scored!
CROSS DRESSING CHEERLEADER SAVES THE DAY Lodi-- What started as a potential tragedy turned happy ending last night at the Harwinkle Gymnasium at a college basketball game in Kentucky. During the pre-game festivities, the home team cheerleaders for Southeastern Central Northwestern Kentucky State were leading the crowd in cheers when cheerleader Mindy Gishman sprained her ankle. Gishman explained, "It was just a very routine 'Give me a _ cheer with a foot stomp. But the ankle just gave out." Cheerleader coach Tess Figler was thrown into a panic. "Mindy is the top point person on our halftime pyramid and we were terrified." Luckily Rae Bradburn, a junior who likes to cross dress, was present at the game. Bradburn was immediately commissioned as a cheerleader and was able to perform all of the complex cheerleader routines. Figler said, "Rae was able to cheer with the men for the first half and then slip into Mindy's uniform right before the half for the pyramid. He surprised us all, he was a real trooper." Bradburn explained that he had been cut from every cheerleading squad that he ever went out for. "It was the fulfillment of a dream and I was glad to be able to help out. I think we fooled everyone that I was Mindy." All except for Mindy's mother. Mrs. Nan Gishman said, "I could tell by the crotch bulge that it wasn't my Mindy."
REDSKINS TO PLACE "SPITOON" ON SIDELINE FOR TAYLOR Washington -- As the Washington Redskins packed to leave for their playoff game against Seattle, equipment manager Rocky Rhodes was presented with the challenge of a lifetime. Just before leaving their practice complex, Rhodes received a directive from the NFL front office to bring a "spitoon" to Seattle and place it on the sideline. After last week's incident with Redskin Sean Taylor spitting in the face of Buccaneers' Michael Pittman, league officials said, "We just want to take the necessary pre-cautions." Rhodes said the pressure to find a "spitoon" at the last minute was enormous. "You know how they say if you want to find 'IT' on eBay, you can find 'IT'? Bullshit, nada, not a one." Fortunately for Rhodes, the Baltimore Orioles up the road, came to his rescue. "Actually, they had purchased a spitoon when one of the Alomar brothers played there, so we were able to get one for the trip." Coach Joe Gibbs was hopeful that Taylor would use the spitoon. "Sean has a major problem with his speech. He slurs his s's, which gives him a mouth full of saliva. Sometimes when he talks with you, you can get a face full of spit." Taylor explained that during last week's incident, he didn't intentionally spit on Pittman. "I was doing my speech therapy exercises. All I said was 'Slippery Sloths Slide on Slippery Slides' and Michael got in my face." Taylor said he would try to use the spitoon as frequently as possible but during the game, "I use a lot of s-words."
JOCKWEB INVESTIGATIVE REPORT: OPRAH BOOK CLUB SELECTION FOR OF LIES! -reported by Dan Rather-Flimsy If you've pick up the Oprah Winfrey book of the year or whatever it is, the one about the guy recovering from alcohol and drugs addiction, beware. James Frey's personal account, "A Million Little Pieces," is full of factual inaccuracies. Frey dismissed the accusations by saying things like, "What do you want, I was drunk, and I didn't remember so I made it up," and "Hey, about 50% of it is true and that's pretty good, don't you think?" Well, I've read the book and I've done some homework and I'm telling you that I'd put the fiction fraction up to about 53%. On page 17, he talks about throwing the winning pitch at a t-ball game when he was 6. "I was coked out of my mind," Frey remembers. This is pure crap. No one pitches in t-ball even if you are "coked up." On page 47, he talks about watching the 1998 NFL game between the Cincinnati Bengals and the Arizona Cardinals, while being "coked out of my mind." Bengals and Cardinals in a playoff game? The Bengals only picked up Carson Palmer, like two years ago. And then he talks about watching the LA Clippers championship parade, while being "coked out of my mind." Drug, stoned, or comatose, everyone on the planet knows the Clippers haven't been over .500 since the franchise's inception. There's more but I won't bore you with the details. I'm disappointed in Mr. Frey because for a few pages I really felt bad for him. But when he started blatantly making things up, I had to withdraw my support. And quite frankly, I'm pissed at Oprah. She's repeatedly refused my amorous advances saying she's in a committed relationship and has not returned my calls in the last three weeks. Oprah, I won't be tuning in until you issue an apology. Or if you advertise on Jockweb, we'll forget the whole thing. LETTERS TO THE EDITOR Periodically, we at Jockweb, receive emails about a variety of subjects. Unfortunately, most are questions that involve knowledge of Newtonian Physics and Advanced Nuclear Thermodynamics. Normally, we just delete them because basically we're stupid and we, too seek a deeper understanding to all the mysteries life poses to us. However, occasionally we like to print an answer to a query that we think might have universal interest to our readers. Henry from Bath, Maine writes: Dear Jockweb, Recently I heard a rumor that Maria Sharapova is preggers with the love child Jockweb staff member, Rudy Yoder. Can you confirm this?
Dear Henry, Yes, we're happy to report it's true, Rudy has impregnated a woman, which if you've seen Rudy, is no small feat. Unfortunately for Rudy, it's Mari Shrapov, the greeter at our local Wal-Mart. Mari passed herself off to Rudy as the tennis pro and told Rudy that her missing front teeth were the result of a slam by Jennifer Capriotti. Mari just a tad under 46 and and we'll politely say she shops in the Plus aisle and in Rudy's disappointed words, "She's no Maria Sharapova." But Rudy's determined to make it work even though he basically makes nothing sitting around our office all day reading the sports page. WISCONSIN RUNNING BACK BOOKER STANLEY EXHIBITS BADGERNESS Madison --Wisconsin tailback Booker Stanley was charged with sexual assault, battery, and carrying a flashlight without a battery, and jumping bail in connection with a pair of alleged fights with his girlfriend. He also faces other charges from a fight last April. University spokesperson Cole Day said that the University is fully supporting Stanley "because through and through, he's a Badger." Day explained that Booker resembles most the Taxidea taxus badger who range over most of the central United States. "Unless it is courting, it lives apart form others of its kind, hunting, wandering, and sleeping in temporary burrows." Badgers are great diggers and normally don't seek to attack but, when driven to bay, its great muscular power and tough skin make it a mean fighter. According to veteran Badger experts, Stanley is exhibits the characteristics of several other members of the family Mustelidae, most notably, the ferret and the weasel. Dr. Brock Brokko described Stanley "as short-legged, heavy set, a good runner, with a strong lower jaw capable of holding prey with utmost tenacity." Brokko added, "In other words, a badger with a sex drive, watch out girls." Stanley had no comment and his attorney said his client was innocent. "Booker just wants to burrow deep and sleep through the winter. And then wake up and get ready for spring practice."
"Badgers like to put shoe polish under their eyes to look mean," says Dr. Brokko.
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Bradburn in the center says, "I keep very fit at my local 'Curves' gym."
The "Redskin spitoon on display. Taylor said that, " I'll try to use more f-word than s-words."
"NOW what?" Paterno shouts to his team, "NOW let's party!"
Skeleton expert Wade Weiner says, "You've got to be extremely cautious when doing a twosie."
Shields said, "It's hard for me to find guys my size and that frustrates me."
Sister Ralph (far left) and her fellow sisters said, "We don't take shit from no one, and that Michael better wise up too."
The former first lady said, "Scorpios are moody but very sexy and I'm taking the Patriots by 3."
Turner said he had no immediate plans to coach again. "I'm just going to spend some time on my boat clearing my head.".
The elelated Gill, "Yea bro, we're getting outta here!"
Rose at NCAA headquarters, "I'm loving Gonzaga with 7 against Duke in the semi's."
The Big God logo.
Levy talks about his cheerleaders, "It's high time we appreciated our senior gals. We got some hot old babes in frigid Buffalo."
"Domes really screw up your reception," observed Mora.
Feagles describes himself as "just a regular cross stitcher."
Benson says, "I find a lot more tolerance these days for the unusual."
If you can find a labia here, you could qualify for a career in the exciting field of labial technology.
Coach Carr said, "My coaching staff did a hellava job getting ready for the Alamo."
Clarett said, "I really missed college football and did I tell you how I felt about Mike Shanahan?"
Slutskaya performing her wonderful "The Devil in Miss Slutskaya," to Beethoven's Violen Concerto in B.
President Bush commented, "Mike Tice is a great American patriot and throws a hellava party."
McNair said the missing leg made him forget about the six concussions he's had this season. "Or mabye I just have brain damage."
Iverson pondering, "What is that f*^%*ing question?"
Vermeil cried when Dante Hall fetched him a cup of Gatorade. Vermeil, "Dante is soo thoughtful, I just love him to death. I cry just thinking about how nice he is."
Responding emergency personnel took three hours to locate Yao Ming's keys. In a related story, the Houston Rockets reported parking garage attendance is up 500%.
McMichael promised that he would represent, "everything that was good and fun about Andy Capp."
Yankee first baseman Jason Giambi says, "Shave this! I'm keeping the goatee and pubes until February."
"We don't like being represented by a leaf," said Toronto fan, Ralph Maples.
Brown yelling at Darko Milic, "Who said you could go into the game?"
Cherbet said, "I like to beach it with French Canadians whenever I can. And I love Jerry Lewis films."
Larry Csonka defiantly speaks to police, "Old guys should be able to get naked and have pubic sex just like young guys!"
Student-athlete Mindy Wowski said, "I'm grateful for the opportunity that sports have given me to get an education. Now I'm prepared to do something meaningful with my life."
"All we are saying, is give Peyton a chance!"
Twenty million people were in the streets worldwide calling for Millen's head.
Paterno shows off new outhouses built with money from meaningless Bowl games. He said, "If we're 11-0, we're playing Boise State's sister in theSewage Treatment Bowl!"
O'Neal says, "Who's Miranda? Shaking people down and getting free stuff is the really fun part of the job."
Wilf said, "Believe me, whatever we get from the women will lead to a conclusion."
Limbaugh later apologized to McNabb, "Alright, so I don't know anything about football."
Patrick says Hospenthal is "out of alignment."
Farsharanian says, "Troy Aikman never played in the NFL, lies, lies, lies!"
Striker Raphael Turisimo, "That's a spicy meatball!"
Martz can't wait to get back on the sidelines, "I'm really a lucky guy, people just really like me."
Pissy said, "I'm just trying to take care of my family, that's all this is about."
Riley said, "Jeremy will never get us to a Game 7 of a championship run."
Carlisle said, "I even got him sneakers with his name on them as an early present. And damn, I didn't save any receipts!"
Pound said, "All I really enjoy in this goddamn crazy world, is a good ear of corn!"
Let's hear it for women's golf!
Official NBA urine test up close.
Sprewell, "When I tell you to go long on Microsoft, I ain't bullshitin'!"
Hoomah's motto for tourists, "Hoomah, a nice place to hunt!"
Smythe after the incident, "Age and senility is no excuse for preying on young, healthy guys like myself."
Dr. Irvin in consultation, "I'm a doctor, I want to help people, I took the Hypocrette oath."
Naegle advice, "Make sure when you tell your wife you're going out for an oil change that you don't stop for sex."
Castro explains, "Next year, I want to be the Macy's department store Santa."
Harper warns husbands, "Don't fool yourself, a butter knife in the hands of a determined woman could leave you singing high notes."
In this scene protagonist Rajeesh, jabs the testicles of an opponent, in one of the pivotal moments of the film.
Official Sykes explaining the plan to "Get Vanderjagt." 
King or Davis?... we can't tell.
Pope John Paul spoke to Christenson saying, "I've got plenty of time to think about football, check in whenever you feel like it."
Do you want this man walking around your town with an erection?
