---

AGASSI HITS WIFE WITH TENNIS RACKET; ACCIDENT?

Houston, TX -- Retired tennis great Andre Agassi hit his wife, Steffi Graf with his racket during a charity match on Sunday forcing her to get several stitches for a significant gash on her face.

"She's OK," said Agassi, "stop blubbering over her. It was an accident." Observers close to the couple say it was not accident. Tensions between the two have been mounting since Agassi retired.

Friends say that Agassi misses his former wife Brooke Shields and has been mad at Graff because she refused to grow a "uni-brow" similar to Shields'. An Agassi representative said, "He used to love to run his fingers through Brooke's brow, it became sort of an obsession."

Graf has told friends, "I can't grow one continuous brow across my forehead and he makes me feel so inadequate." Graf has visited several hair restoration centers trying to grow extra facial hair but all efforts have failed. She is said to be feeling frustrated because "she wants to please Andre but he's just fixated on this brow thing."

Agassi denied that the uni-brow fixation is an issue in his marriage. "Truthfully, I hit her because I can't stand her accent."

Rumours were flying that Graf's recently revealed pre-marital flings may have irked Agassi's possessive nature.

---

ANTI-DOPING LAB TO TEST LANDIS' "B" SAMPLE

Paris, FRANCE -- A French anti-doping lab will begin analyzing Tour de France champion Floyd Landis' "B" urine sample next Monday.

The tests, which were requested by the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency, will take place at the Chatenay-Malabry lab outside of Paris and should take about 10 days to complete.

Lab worker Peeyen Toilette said, "I just put in for two weeks vacation and then they hand me six bottles of Floyd Landis' piss. There goes those tickets to Jamaica."

Toilette added, "My mother always told me, 'Go into medicine, go into medicine,' so here I am and I'm spending ten days looking at biker pee."

Career experts agree that "Urine Tester" is low on the job satisfaction scale. Jack Mioff, a career counselor, said, "Urine testing is not something you dream of doing some day. A lot of testers just kind of fall into it."

Mel Yallow, a veteran tester disagreed with the assessment that urine testing is a less than satisfactory experience. "I love what I do. Every day is different and you're always getting new urine in the lab." Yallow added, "It's a dream come true. I got lucky being in the right place at the right time."

Let's see now, a week in Jamaica or ten days with Floyd Landis' urine? Some folks get all the breaks.

---

SOCIAL ACTIVIST STEVE SPURRIER SPEAKS OUT AGAIN

Columbia, SC -- Historian, social critic and activist, and sometimes football coach Steve Spurrier delivered a moving speech on Saturday on the steps of the state capital in South Carolina.

Spurrier emphatically called for the state to "cease flying the confederate flag in such a public fashion with blatant disregard for the history it represents." Spurrier continued by saying, "Wow, did you hear what I just said? That sounded pretty gosh darn intelligent."

This is not the first time Steve Spurrier has spoken out on a controversial issue. Who can forget Steve Spurrier standing in front of the Berlin Wall challenging, "Tear down this wall Mr. Gorbachev!" Shortly after Spurrier spoke the Russians did tear down the wall paving the way for a unified Germany.

And what American doesn't remember Steve Spurrier appealing to our patriotism with his famous quote, "Ask not what your country can do for you but what you can do for your country?"

President Bush commented, "We're damn fortunate to have a leader like Steve Spurrier who cares about the issues that really matter to Americans yet at the same time can win a national championship without graduating any players."

One South Carolina lineman, when asked to recall his most memorable Steve Spurrier quote said, "I remember once he told me, 'Block you goddamn chicken shit turd head'. I remember that pretty gosh darn good."

A young Steve Spurrier getting arrested for speaking out against the Vietnam War in 1968.

---

NCAA TOSSES OUT CHARGES AGAINST OHIO STATE AND FORMER COACH JIM O'BRIEN

Columbus, OH -- The NCAA announced that it was dropping several charges against former Ohio State basketball coach Jim O'Brien because, "basically we feel bad for the poor bastards losing two national championships in one year."

NCAA President Myles Brand said, "We want to be proactive in stemming the growing number of suicides in Ohio."

O'Brien had been under investigation for recruiting violations where he supposedly lent money to a recruit. Ohio State fired O'Brien in 2004 after it was disclosed that O'Brien did lend money to recruit Aleksandar Radojevic. It has been O'Brien's contention all along that he gave the Croatian recruit a loan but it was in kuna*, the basic unit of Croation currency.

One kuna equals approximately .000001825 U.S. dollars. Radojevic said in testimony that, "Coach give me lots kuna, do not buy shit."

Currency trader Deuche Marck said, "You need about a million of those kuna just to order of the McDonald's dollar menu." President Brand said, "In light of the fact that you can't buy shit with kuna, we're dropping the whole f%^&ing thing."

You can probably get a date with this Croat for a couple of kuna.

 

---

CHAGAEV OUTLASTS VALUEV IN BATTLE OF RUSSIANS

Stuttgart, GERMANY -- Ruslan Chagaev outpointed 7-foot Nikolai Valuev on Saturday to take the WBA title.

The loss was the first one of Valuev's boxing career which dropped his record to 46-1 and inspired him to say, "Oh shitzy." Chagaev, a 28-year old fighter from Uzbekistan is known as "White Tyson." Chagaev asked his manager several times during the fight, "When do I eat his ear?" Fortunately for Valuev, "White Tyson" gave up a foot in height and therefore couldn't get his mouth near the 7-footer's ears.

Valuev said after the fight, "Ruslan have good nickname. I want nickname too. How about True Valuev? Get it? Like hardware store?" Valuev insisted that from now on, "You call me True Valuev cause I have punch like hammer. Get it? Like hammer you buy in hardware store."

However it didn't stop there. Valuev insisted adding metaphor on top of metaphor.  He continued, "I nail other boxer. Get it? Like nail you buy in hardware store." By the end of the press conference, Valuev was comparing his boxing skills to every aisle in a True Value store. "No on can hurt me. "No one hurt me cause I tough like concrete you buy in hardware store," he said.

"From now on I am Nikolai True Valuev," he proudly exclaimed.

 

The metaphors got a little tiring around aisle 5 when Nikolai said, "I hit like weed whacker you buy in hardware store."

---

MILLIONS OF PROTEST SIGNS FLOOD RALEIGH-DURHAM LANDFILL

Raleigh-Durham, NC -- A Raleigh-Durham landfill is coping with the unexpected dumping of millions of signs and posters after several Duke lacrosse players were freed of charges of sexual assault.

The dropping of the charges put an end to a year long process where rogue prosecutor, Mike Nifong, pursued a rape case against the players with what turned out to be scant evidence. The case sparked hundreds and hundreds of protests throughout the past year.

Landfill operator Dumpy Heary said, "No one realized that after a protest the signs have to go somewhere." He explained, "We've got millions and millions of signs that we can't recycle and it's a damn big problem."

Signs like "Low life bastards" and "F#$%*ing Blue Devils" are piled high at the landfill. Professional protester Milly Vanillycone said, "This is the dirty secret of the protesting business. It's an environmental nightmare. It really sucks when you go to all the trouble of making a sign, protesting, and then the guys get off.  Let's hope we can find some other athletes falsely accused so at least I'd get my money's worth out of my signs."

Heary added, "Don't go to a protest before stopping by here. How would you like to have a hundred  Jesse Jackson autographed "Duke Slave Master" posters for nothing?

If you're willing to drive a little ways, you can get some nifty protest signs.

---

CELTICS DENY GOING YOUNG FOR LOTTERY PICK

Boston, MA -- The Boston Celtics organization is denying charges that they are intentionally putting an inferior product on the floor to intentionally lose games so that they will increase their chances of landing the 2007 number one lottery pick.

Coach Doc Rivers said, "It's just not true. We've had to let some younger players step up because we've had so many injuries." "But," Rivers added, "these new guys are giving me effort night in and night out." Rivers added, "The one good thing about the NBA is that all the kids get medals at the end of the season, no matter where they finish."

The storied Boston franchise is heading for it's worst record in team history. Several players have complained that there are "never juice breaks during practice," and "we've got to take all of our clothes off when we shower, ick."

GM Danny Ainge asked fans to "bear with us." Ainge vowed, "Greg Oden's gonna make a lot of people forget about Celtic legend Hank Finkel."

The once proud Celtics will most likely finish in last but "these young players love getting a medal."

---

HUGGINS QUICKLY ACCLIMATING TO WVU

Morgantown, W.Va. -- Newly hired basketball coach Bob Huggins wasted no time getting comfortable in his position at West Virginia.

"Almost heaven, West Virginia, thems true words," slurred Huggins at the University sponsored, "Welcome Bob" luncheon. Huggins said before he passed out, "There's a lot of miles of road in this state and not enough state troopers to catch me."

Huggins snapped into action on his first day on the job. In the morning he attended a photoshop workshop where he explained, "I can make a transcript full of A's right at my desk. I love technology."

During the first team meeting Huggins laid down some very strict rules for his players. "If you going to pull a gun on someone, just make sure you shoot all the goddamn witnesses and get rid of the weapon."

Yes, and Huggins (right) was able to drive home without incident.

---

TROUBLES CONTINUE TO MOUNT FOR IMUS

New York, NY -- Just when radio "shock jock" Don Imus thought things couldn't get any worse, they did.

Imus, who was fired by CBS radio for offensive comments aimed at the Rutgers Women's Basketball Team, learned that the fallout from the incident continues to mount.

NAOHAP (The National Association of Ho's and Pimps) announced yesterday that Imus will be barred from all services of association members. "In other words," said NAOHAP President Faye Whittleding, "Imus can no longer purchase for his own personal pleasure the services of ho's." An overwhelming majority of the NAOHAP membership voted to boycott an overtures by Imus. "I think at 25,352,366 to 12 vote speaks volumes about the organization's position," added Whittleding.

A contrite Imus begged the association to re-consider. "I'm an old, wrinkly guy who wears a cowboy hat," teared Imus. He asked, "If I can't buy a ho, how is an old prune like me going to have sex?"

Imus' attorneys said that they plan to file an appeal. Lead attorney Bard Frumfuchin said, "We think there are some serious Interstate Commerce issues at stake here. We confident that the courts will see that NAOHAP is clearly not in a position to restrict free trade." 

NAOHAP marchers gave a resounding "NO!" to sex with Don Imus.

---

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

As a socially responsible, publicly traded entity, Jockweb feels obligated to bring timely safety information to our readers. Periodically, we publish information that can save your life or the life of someone you know. However, we can assure you that most of the time you can delete 99.99% of what we write with absolutely no social consequence.

 

WARNING TO ALL PARENTS OF COLLEGE AGE GIRLS!

A couple of things to teach YOUR high school or college age daughters.  Girls! You need to look for these warning signs of the type of guy to avoid in college:

A messy room
A large container of Chlorox wipes at the top of the bed
A "Speed Hump" sign over the bed
 

PARENTS ARE NOT SPENDING THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS OF BORROWED MONEY FOR YOU TO FORFEIT TO THE PLEASURE OF CASUAL SEX WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS NO INTENTION OF CALLING YOU THE NEXT MORNING. THERE, YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!

AND IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO COLLEGE, AVOID NASCAR DRIVERS TOO!

---

JOCKWEB CHILLS WITH PAC-MAN

NASHVILLE, TN - Pacman Jones did something very bad.  He must have or he wouldn't have been suspended from the National Football league for one whole year. In fairness we weren't paying attention.

Jockweb caught up with Pacman at his home in (somewhere we don't know) and asked him about his suspension and his future plans:

Jweb: P-man.  Thanks for meeting with us.
Pacman: ain't no thing
Jweb; So, you were suspended for a year?
Pacman: yeah
Jweb: Kinda sucks, huh?
Pacman: yeah
Jweb: What's for lunch today?
Pacman; I don't know.
Jweb:  You're not going to hurt me, are you?
Pacman: Yo, get outta my face with that...
Jweb: Please don't kill me.
Pacman:  You have one chance to ask a real question or I'm outta here.
Jweb: Now that you have free time on your hands, do you plan to spend more time with Ms. Pacman and the little ghosts?
Pacman (leaves)
 

Jockweb artist rendering of what we think Pacman might have done. But again, in all fairness, we weren't paying attention.
 

---

ESPN'S CLAYTON DISPUTES SMITH BABY DNA TEST

Miami, FL -- ESPN's football analyst vehemently challenged DNA tests that supposedly prove that photographer Larry Birkhead is the father of the late Nicole Smith's daughter.

"This DNA thing is overrated," said Clayton. "If you put one DNA molecule next to another, I'll bet you couldn't tell the difference between them," added Clayton.

Clayton is one of several hundred men claiming paternity in the Smith case because as he says, "there's a big inheritance involved." Clayton insists that Smith and he were intimate on at least one occasion. "It was a drug induced orgy," explained Clayton, "and as drug induced orgies go, it was a hellava lot of fun."

Experts agreed that DNA testing is not exact and that "we may never know who fathered the Smith child." One lab worker said, "This DNA job really sucks. You're either messing with blood or sperm samples. I was a lot happier when I worked at Denny's."

Biologist James Watson, who along with Francis Crick, discovered DNA, asked, "Can I get a job at Denny's? I'm sick of this DNA crap."

It's hard to believe that there are billions and billions of these molecules in just a thimble full of sperm. Kind of makes you think, doesn't it? Mabye not.

---

OHIO WOMAN HAS BABY WITH WOODY HAYES FROZEN SPERM

Columbus, OH -- An Ohio woman gave birth to a beautiful baby boy last week with a little help from an Ohio State legend.

The unidentified woman was said to have be impregnated with the sperm of deceased coach Woody Hayes. The woman said, "My husband thought it would be a great idea to use Woody's sperm and when I found out we could withdraw it from the sperm bank, well, I was all for it."

Her husband said while cradling the newborn, "We got some Buckeye tradition going here, don't we? Why just look at little Woody, he's already punched out a doctor and two nurses."

At least twenty couples throughout the state have giving birth to children using frozen Hayes sperm. One parent explained, "You know sometimes just putting up a statue to honor a legend doesn't cut it. But using some old sperm, that's something special."

---

ARKANSAS LOSES ANOTHER COACH

Fayetteville, ARK -- The University of Arkansas is having a difficult time finding a coach to take the job for more than a day.

Several coaches have agreed to take the job only to leave after their very first day. Observers close to the program have several theories as to why the fourty-five coaches have arrived and then abruptly left.

"We think it might the pigs," said booster Billy Ray Ray. "If you come to Arkansas, you better like pig," added Ray.

Dana Altman, the Crieghton coach, who took the Razorback job only to leave after twenty-four hours, denied that pig had anything to do with his decision, though he did admit, "They gave me pork three times a day."

Athletic director Frank Broyles said, "If you want to coach at Arkansas, you had better like pig." He added, "We're all about pig and we want a coach that has an imagination when it comes to pig." Broyles became excited when he talked about the Arkansas Razorbacks. "We're the other white meat," he said, "and we want someone that know a little something about marinating, roasting or barbecuing pig. If you don't come to the program, with a  recipe agenda, you ain't gonna last."

A Razorback does his best impression of the state's former governor.

---

JOCKWEB UNDERCOVER INVESTIGATION REVEALS UGLY NEW ORLEANS SAINTS SECRET

New Orleans, LA -- A three month undercover investigation by Jockweb reporter Fred Collingdale revealed that the New Orleans Saints management engaged in virgin sacrifice in order to help their playoff chances.

Collingdale said in his report that the Saints sacrificed virgins to the gods sometime after the 8th game of the season. "They sacrificed one virgin and then went out and spanked the Falcons which only encouraged Saint ownership to find more virgins," writes Collingdale.

The report diminishes the contribution of both first year head coach Sean Payton and first round draft pick Reggie Bush. "No doubt," Collingdale's report continues, "it was the virgin sacrifice that contributed to the team's on-field success."

The team however ran into problems when there were not enough virgins to continue the ritual. "Since New Orleans only had a handful of virgins, we stopped short of the Super Bowl," said Saints owner Tom Benson. Benson was quoted in the report as saying, "Nothing like a good virgin sacrifice to turn around the fortunes of a struggling franchise."

Collingdale was happy to report, "I met a nice virgin while investigating this story and I was able to get her number."

---

ZACH JOHNSON WINS MASTER'S; GIVES ALL THE CREDIT TO JESUS

Augusta, GA -- Little known Zach Johnson emerged from a crowded field to win the Master's Golf Tournament.

Johnson +1 score was enough to hold off the favorite Tiger Woods, who finished at +3. Johnson was given his "Green Jacket" by last year's winner Phil Mickelson, who was wearing his own green jacket and his signature evil grin.

During his interview with announcer Jim Nantz, Johnson gave all the credit for his victory "to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ." Johnson said without Jesus on his team he probably would have bogeyed holes 7, 11, 14, and 17. "Jesus' club selection was the difference," explained Johnson. "Several times the caddie would hand me a club and Jesus would shake his head, kick up some wind, and tell me to hit a longer club," continued Johnson.

Jesus was commented through a medium saying, "I really didn't want to see Woods win again. So he's a good golfer? But he's no second coming." The medium added in some pretty shady Aramaic, "Did you see him pull up short on 18? Who do you think pulls the strings at the Master's?"

Johnson said that having Jesus on his side helped out on several greens.

---

WOMAN HAS BABY AT MASTER'S; PLAYER LOSES TWO STROKES

Augusta, GA -- A woman went into labor at the Augusta National Golf Club during the Master's third round.

Frieda Woormbierner, a 30 year old spectator, was not due to give birth for  another two weeks but went into early labor while following Vijay Singh. Woormbierner's water broke while Singh was negotiating the famous "Amen Corner." Woormbierner released a torrent of water causing some mild flooding on the hole. Unfortunately for Singh his second shot landed right next to laborious mom.

Tournament officials on the scene assessed a two shot penalty against Singh for landing in "casual water." "The rules of golf specifically state that if a woman's water breaks and your ball lands in it, you are entitled to relief, but only after a two stroke penalty," said rules supervisor Hank Futcham.

Woormbierner gave birth to a beautiful 8 lb. boy whom she immediately named "Vijay Singh Woormbierner." Singh was flattered and immediately accepted the offer to become the child's godfather. "I'm not sure if you can have a Hindu godfather," said Singh, "but I'd better get something for a two stroke penalty."

 

Woormbierner said she was having big time problems with water retention prior to her water breaking.

---

IMUS CRUCIFIED IN CRUEL JOKE

New York, NY -- Radio personality and shock jock was nailed to a cross for remarks he made on his radio program following Women's National Championship.

Imus referred to the Rutgers women as "knappy haired ho's." The remark sparked a fierce reaction from crowds all over NYC. As Imus left his studio on Saturday, he was greeted by an angry mob and then was carried to a private trial in front of Al Sharpton.

Sharpton asked the crowd, "What would you have me do this man?" The crowd roared, "Crucify him, crucify him." Sharpton then washed his hands Imus and said, "That be good, yeah, crucify the cracker."

Imus was forced to carry a cross for several blocks and then was nailed to the cross. However unlike the real crucifixion, Imus did not die. "It was just a stupid, idiotic crucifixion," said one participant. "We just wanted to scare him a bit about the ho comment," he added.

"As a shock jock, I was kind of shocked," Imus admitted. "I was expecting a metaphorical crucifixion in the media and then this. They really good me good," he laughed. "Fortunately, they let me down and I just have some sore hands."

Imus was nailed to the cross and later let down to return to his radio program. The only real harm to the jock was to his ratings.

---

GAIL GOOSETHEKNOCKERS LEAVES DUKE FOR TEXAS

Raleigh-Durham, NC -- Duke women's coach Gail Goosetheknockers is leaving the program after 15 years to take a lucrative offer from the University of Texas.

Goosetheknockers (pronounced Goestenkors) said, "It's time to move on and I'm just sick of people coming up to me and goosing my knockers." Men's coach Mike Krotchmystewski said, "I'm gonna miss Gail and the fun we had mispronouncing her name. Not to mention goosing her knockers."

Several players expressed sadness that Goosetheknockers is leaving the program. "I love playing for Goosetheknockers," said a sophomore guard. She added, "I don't mind admitting that I'd go to Texas for Goosetheknockers."

A crowd of over 300,000, mostly male, fans, waited in a driving rainstorm to greet Goosetheknockers. One fan exclaimed, "Isn't this Goosetheknockers joke getting old?"

Goosetheknockers used her name to try a work an official. Possession arrow, Texas!

---

HUGGINS TAKES WEST VIRGINEY JOB; STARTS OFF WITH JOKES

Morgantown, W.Va. -- Bob Huggins quickly exited as coach of the Kansas State Wildcats to take over the vacated West Virginia head coaching position.

Huggins, who enjoyed success at both Cincinnati and KSU, expressed gratitude that "I'm back home where I belong." Huggins took the podium at his introductory press conference and exclaimed, "I've been saving about a million West Virginia jokes for about ten years."

He began the press conference with the old favorite, "What do West Virginians do on Halloween?" Huggins could barely contain himself as he blurted out, "Give up? Pumpkin. Get it? Pump kin! Like your family."

The press corps gave a loud ovation when the moment of recognition came over them and they immediately called for more.

Huggins followed with another classic, "How do you know the toothbrush was invented in West Virginia?" After a moment of strained silence, Huggins howled out, "Because if it was invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush." At this point Huggins said, "I can't go on. It's just too much gosh darn fun being the head coach here. I don't know if I gonna survive before I laugh myself to death."

Huggins wasn't joking when he said, he'd finally be able to marry his first cousin.

---

GOLFER'S HEAD EXPLODES AT MASTERS

Augusta, GA -- Rookie Touring Pro Stanley Frebber was severely injured at the opening round of the Masters' after his head exploded.

It was the first recorded head explosion in Masters' history but officials are hoping Frebber will make a full recovery. Frebber was a late entry into the tournament and was said to be extremely nervous about playing in the elite field.

A doctor on sight said, "He was on the first tee and the pressure was building and then his head just exploded." Fortunately for Frebber, he was wearing a very tight hat and the hat was able to contain the explosion. Hospital staff were able to save most of Frebber's head and put it back together again.

"Those Titleist hats are hats are great in a head explosion," said Homeland Security expert Frank Dunlop. "I think we oughta order about a billion of those in case of a terrorist attack."

Several Middle Eastern terrorists were at the tournament when the head exploded. "This is all we need. Titleist hats could really screw up the whole suicide bombing thing," said Said Al-Isaid. Al-Isaid asked, "Do you think Mickleson can recover from seven back?"

 

Frebber's tight fitting hat was able to save a lot of people from having splattered brain all over them. "We were damn lucky," said fan Kiley Whisk.

---

BILLY PACKER "OUTS" TV CORRESPONDENT CHARLIE ROSE

New York, NY -- Lovable, rascally Final Four commentator Billy Packer, "outed" 60 Minutes correspondent Charlie Rose yesterday at a post Final Four press conference.

Packer, who is no stranger to controversy, said Rose "fagged out on me when it came to showing up for a Final Four game." Evidently, Packer and Rose have been public friends and clandestine gay lovers for years. Packer had promised to take Rose with him on the "Road to the Final Four," because according to Rose, "he always goes on the road without me."

Packer had planned to hire Rose as his "runner," which is a slang term in the gay community for something. CBS said that all along that Packer was bringing Rose along on the CBS expense account to do this "running...whatever that is." However Rose changed his mind because according to Packer, "He fagged out on me." (gay slang for finding another man with hair on his head).

"It's not the first time he fagged out on me," said Packer, "and it won't be the last." Rose said, "When you have a private relationship with a man like Billy Packer, it's tough to keep it a secret. And we all know that Billy has a big mouth." Rose then went into a tirade adding, "I fagged out and I didn't show up because I was just plain exhausted. There I said it, I fagged out. Are you happy now? It's out in the open?"

Are these runners exhausted or just fagged out? Look sexual to us.

---

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR:

 

Dear Jockweb,

We just want to say a big thank you for calling attention to a coach named Thad. There are quite a number of us out there by the name Thad but people insist on calling us Tad. We're Thads not Tads and we want the 'H' pronounced in Thad. So what if it sounds a little lispy, mabye even a bit feminine, we're Thads and damn proud of it. Thanks for your insightful coverage of Coach Thad Matta. We're forever grateful to Jockweb!

NAOGNT (National Association of Guys Named Thad)

P.S. Not all Thads pick up food from the floor and put in their mouths.

Dear NAOGNT,

Your letter touched us deeply. Sometimes when we pour our sweat and love into our work here at Jockweb, we forget the number of lives we actually touch. To all you Thads out there, don't let anyone say your name with lisp like you're feminine or something. We like you just the way you are!

The Jockweb Staff

P.S. Wow,  and we still can't believe how Thad Matta's picking up a piece of spent gum and placing it back in his mouth gave us two weeks of material.

---

Dear Jockweb,

I just loved your continuing coverage of Thad Matta eating things off the floor throughout the NCAA tournament. It was just the cleverest, hippest sports satire I think I've ever read. You guys are just the greatest kidders I've ever seen. I laughed my ass off even though it was at my expense. All my family and friends just chuckled and chuckled and some even guffawed. Even though we choked during the big game, your efforts really helped the team accept that everyone in Ohio is really mad at us.  Thanks guys!

Thad

 

Dear Thad,

We knew you were a good sport or else we would have never made fun of you for picking up a piece of gum and putting it back in your mouth. It's people like you who make what we do so damn rewarding. Thank you, Thad!

The Jockweb Staff

---

LOUISIANA TECH FIRES KEITH RICHARD AS BASKETBALL COACH

Swampy Bayou, LA -- Louisiana Tech fired Keith Richard as their head basketball coach after learning that Richard mixed the cremated remains of his father with cocaine and then ingested the mixture.

"The guy is out of control," said Tech Athletic Director M. K. Yaiger. "Keith is just a very poor role model for our players and the youth of Louisiana." He added, "It's a shame because he's a damn good guitar player and I've got a shitload of money invested in Rolling Stones records."

Richard said, "I'm very disappointed in getting fired but what troubles me even more is that I have no 's' on the end of my name." "I'm just plain Keith Richard not Keith Richards," he said. "But that is some cool idea, snorting the ashes of your father. Wow, gimme shelter."

Keith Richards, when reached for comment, was completely strung out on heroin and could not comment on Louisiana Tech basketball but did manage to ask, "Louisiana Tech, isn't that where Karl "The Mailman" Malone played?"

Former Stones bassist Bill Wyman said, "I'm very interested in the Tech job especially since the Stones dumped me."

---

THAI WOMAN FIGHTS HER WAY OUT OF JAIL

Bangkok, Thailand -- Thai inmate Samson Sor Siriporn boosted her chances of getting out of jail by beating Japan's Ayaka Miyano to win the women's WBC light flyweight at the notorious "Bangkok Hilton" prison on Tuesday.

Fighting in front of dozens of prison guards and a whole lot of horny women in prison, Siriporn, a convicted drug dealer, fought under 120 degree temperature ring to score a unanimous victory over a Miyano, a Japanese tourist in jail for jaywalking.

Miyano, with an ice pack on her swollen eye, said, "Yesterday I was crossing the street to buy a paper, today I'm fighting for a world title. So much can happen when you dream big."

Siriporn pounded Miyano mercilessly for several rounds, while transvestites in high heels and skimpy outfits were allowed out of their cells to parade around the ring with placards between rounds. Siriporn said, "I fought like a drug dealer who hadn't had heterosexual contact for three years." "And," she added in Thai, "I really have a bug up my ass against jaywalkers."

In Thailand, an inmate can be rewarded parole for winning a fight. Siriporn said, "I hope to be released soon and go to U.S. and fight bitch, Martha Stewart."

---

ZAMBONI DRIVER GETS OFF DRUNK DRIVING CHARGE

Newark, NJ -- After stating "There is no such thing as drunk driving on a Zamboni," a judge threw out charges against a skating rink employee who was charged with drunk driving while operating the ice machine.

Zamboni operator John Peragallo had been charged with drunken driving in 2005 when he drank a shot of sambuca with two valiums and then crashed the speeding ice rink vehicle into the boards. The judge said a shot of sambuca with two valiums "can really take the edge off a bad day." Peragallo thanked the judge and the judge responded by saying, "No problem, I've seen your wife and she's six valium woman in the opinion of this court."

After the hearing, the Garden State Parkway was backed up for sixteen hours as drivers cluttered the highway with newly purchased Zambonis. "I feel safe in my Zamboni," said Lisa Herb, "it's a little bigger than my Hummer and a little faster than my Kia."

Zamboni dealer Fred Snoopes said, "I can get you in a Zamboni for less than you think. With air and a 5 changer CD, we're looking at around 35 grand." New car shopper Skeeter Biffley expressed real sticker shock, "Me in a Zamboni for under 35 g's? Does that include the sambuca and valium?"

"We can't keep'em in stock," siad Snoopes.

---

MAYOR BLOOMBERG FIGHTS FOR ALUMINUM BATS

New York, NY -- New York city Mayor Michael Bloomberg said he would fight to keep aluminum baseball bats as "the bat of choice for New Yorkers."

Bloomberg was clearly agitated by the city council vote that bans aluminum bats from the Big Apple. "New Yorkers like aluminum bats because they are light and you can really kick the shit out of someone with one," explained Bloomberg. "New York is famous for gang warfare and police brutality," he added. "Take away our bats and we're just another city. How will our police abuse illegal aliens? Wooden bats cost too much both from an economic and environmental perspective," Bloomberg told City Council.

City Council said that they would consider a compromise bill that would allow special populations like Knick fans and anyone who wants a shot at George Steinbrenner to carry aluminum bats with a permit.

Broadway producer Joseph Papp said, " Do they really expect me to stage West Side Story without aluminum bats? That'll make the show really suckey."

The classic scene from "West Side Story" between the Jets and the Sharks without aluminum bats was really suckey.

---

INTERNET SCANDAL TAINTS FLORIDA'S NOAH

Atlanta, GA -- A scandal involving Florida power forward Joakim Noah erupted moments before tip-off of the National Championship game against Ohio State.

An unidentified person released unsavory pictures of Noah on his internet site embarrassing the 6'10" NBA prospect. The pictures show Noah at various stage of undress. Right before stepping on the court, Noah said, "I was young and foolish when these pictures were taken. I hope NBA scouts can look past them."

Noah added, "I was undecided between a basketball and an entertainment career when I posed for these pictures. At the time I thought they would help me but obviously someone is using them for their own personal gain."

Several NBA scouts said that the photos can only help Noah draft stock. One scout said, "If you draft Noah, you get a guy that can rebound, score, and looks damn good naked."

Noah said, "Sometimes you don't think fast enough when someone has a camera, and then there's the internet waiting for you."

---

LSU WOMEN'S COACH DELIVERS "WIN ONE FOR POKEY" SPEECH

Cleveland, OH -- LSU Women's coach Bob Starkey delivered an impassioned pre-game pep talk to his players here the NCAA women's Final Four.

Starkey replaced Pokey Chatman as the Tiger's coach after allegations surfaced that Chatman had an improper relationship with one of her players. Starkey came in during the last days of the season and guided the team to the Final Four. He joked, "You'd think after I get'em to the Final Four they'd let me hang in the shower room but no dice."

Nonetheless, Starkey delivered a huge pep talk to his players prior to their Final Four appearance. Witnesses say that not since Knute Rockne implored Notre Dame football players to 'win one for the Gipper,' has such an impassioned rallying speech been delivered.

Starkey supposedly told players, "So what if Pokey did some poking around where she shouldn't have poked. So what if she was sniffing where she shouldn't have been sniffing," cried Starkey. He continued by asking the team, "Who's to say what's proper or improper between a coach and a player? Now, does anyone here find me sexually attractive?"

The players were said to be moved to tears by Starkey's talk. "He's a masterful motivator," said one player. "And though he's an old guy, he's really kind of cute," she added.

 

It probably would be a bad idea to let this Bob Starkey coach a women's team.

---

ODEN'S MOTHER REVEALS THAT HE IS 42 YEARS OLD

Columbus, OH -- The mother of Ohio State's Greg Oden revealed today that her son is really 42 years old.

Mrs. Oden explained that she decided to come clean with the information after millions of people kept commenting, "Gee, Greg looks a lot older than eighteen." She broke the news to the 7'2" center moments after OSU defeated Georgetown in the semi-final NCAA game.

Tears streamed down the center's face when he found out he was born in 1965. "You know, I kept looking in the mirror and saying to myself, 'Hey you don't look eighteen, you look forty something.' " Oden expressed relief "that a big burden has been lifted off my shoulders."

Oden's mother told reporters, "I never wanted Greg to grow up but then when he got over seven foot, I couldn't find Barney pajamas to fit him. It was time to tell him the truth."

OSU coach Thad Matta expressed no surprise at all when he reacted by saying, "Hey, I lost my gum somewhere, like right around where I'm standing."

Oden reminisced about the 60's saying, "I was only a kid but that was a crazy decade."

---

TRANS GENDERED WRESTLER GIVES BIRTH

Cornfield, Iowa -- A member of the U. S. National Wrestling Team stunned the wrestling world and a few others when he gave birth to a large baby boy.

The wrestler went into labor around 2pm on Friday and gave birth at the 1:28 mark in 155 lb. match. All in all the labor was smooth and the baby and mom are doing very well.

Wrestler Babs Freeman, the first trans-gendered wrestler to give birth during a wrestling meet said, "I didn't realize I was pregnant. I thought I had eaten some bad chili." But doctors on the scene said that Freeman was "a real trooper." Freeman was able to push the baby out right on the mat in front of 700 screaming fans. "It was good the see the crowd get into the delivery, it motivated me," beamed the proud mom.

Freeman attributes a tough weekly training schedule and good dietary habits to her ability to win a match and deliver a baby within seconds of one another. "I was pinning with my arms and pushing with my legs," explained Freeman. "This tell trans-gendered wrestlers all over the world, 'yes you can wrestle and deliver a baby,' " added Freeman.

Losing wrestler Lanny Griggs said, "I thought I was wrestling two people and it turns out, I was. And that baby is huge."

Freeman broke convention, delivering the baby on her side.

---

KSU HUGGINS OFFERS KENTUCKY HIMSELF

Manhattan, KS -- Kansas State coach Bob Huggins offered Kentucky Bob Huggins to fill the vacancy left by the departing Tubby Smith.

The Wildcats had offered Florida coach Billy Donovan over 3 million dollars in salary to leave the Gator program for Kentucky bluegrass. Huggins' counter offer would save the University millions.

"Kansas is flat and dull," said Huggins, "and I'll coach for beer and broads." Huggins, the former Cincinnati Bearcat coach said he would also save the University money on clothing. "Look how much I've got in common with Kentucky. I coach the Wildcats and Kansas and Kentucky both begin with k. I've got KSU on everything. I'll just have my wife remove the 'S' and they won't have to buy me sweaters," said the large bear like Huggins.

Huggins reminded KU fans that Donovan looks "like an flat-topped altar boy and everyone knows what happens to flat topped altar boys."

Donovan, a former altar boy, is in big demand by more than just KU.

---

DRUNKEN KOREAN WOMEN INVADE LPGA TOUR

Phoenix, AZ -- A confidential document was leaked from LPGA headquarters which indicates the women's professional tour is dealing with a huge number of drunken Korean players.

An anonymous spokesperson said, "We've got a huge, huge problem with these drunken Koreans." She explained that many young Korean babies are taken from their mothers at a young age and are forced to play golf. "They live a very militaristic golf life until they're old enough to win tournaments," she explained, "and then they come to the U.S. for the big money."

Sadly, these girls take up heavy drinking to dull the pain of being forced to play golf. A LPGA veteran said, "These girls are being golf pimped and that's tragic."

Several Korean golfers refused to be interviewed or they didn't understand the question, "Would you like to be interviewed?" One bi-lingual fan said, "Golf becomes mechanical and unfeeling for them. They must play without emotion which is characteristic of many women who are sold off as golf whores. They drink to dull the pain."

A hung over Korean golf whore battles a headache on the first tee.

---

TONY BENNETT NAMED COACH OF THE YEAR

Pullman, WA -- Tony Bennett was named the AP collegiate coach of the year for his role in helping the Washington State Cougars record their best season in school history.

Bennett, long known as one of the smoothest voices in pop music, said, "I'm honored to be Coach of the Year and to tell the truth if makes up for the Grammy I didn't get in February." Bennett was snubbed by Grammy voters as being "irrelevant to the pop music scene."

But after taking over the WSU program Bennett proved "I still have the chops to make a winner." Bennett admitted to never touching a basketball in his life but "I taught the players some jazz improv and they just moved all over the court and the other teams didn't know what the hell to make of it."

The singer added, "My heart is still in San Francisco where I left it, and all year I was having a bitch of time breathing." Bennett said he may return to the Bay area because there are no good songs with 'Pullman' in them.

College Coach of the Year Tony Bennett. And that is not his real hair.

---

FROZEN SAMPLES ACCIDENTALLY DISAPPEAR

Sydney, Australia -- Australia's sports drug enforcement agency developed a deep storage facility capable of holding athlete urine samples for up to eight years but a major scandal has developed at the holding tank.

"The idea was that we can freeze the urine and later scan for drugs not detected by our current methods," said director Melt Gibson. Unfortunately, the facility reported that hundreds of frozen urine samples have been reported missing.

Gibson explained, "that at first we thought someone had broken in and stolen them for their own protection." But later agency officials discovered that several employees accidentally mistook the sample as frozen popsicle treats and now the samples are forever gone.

One employee, who was not part of the "Pee Pop" scandal, said, "It just goes to show you, if you don't want something eaten, don't put in the fridge."  Agency officials consoled themselves that "we won't be finding steroid abusers but hey we've got a heck of new product."

Pee Pops come in lots of different sizes and colors. "Kids love'em," said Gibson.

---

STUDENTS GET COLLEGE CREDITS FOR ATTENDING FINAL FOUR

Bombbo Beach, FL -- Students at Lynn University in South Florida will be attending this weekend's Final Four as part of the three credit course called, "Going to a Basketball Game."

The students, who are sports management majors, paid $3,250 for the weekend course, which includes a couple of professors. Students will arrive, get drunk, paint their bodies with their favorite school colors, and as one professor expressed, "hopefully get some easy sex."

School President April Lynn, a former adult film star, said, "It's really great that we can just randomly offer bogus credits. Next semester we'll be offering some upper level courses like "Going to an Pedicure," and "Going to a Transsexual Orgy."

Sophomore Randy Ferbish said he was nervous if he was up to the academic rigor set forth in the syllabus. Ferbish nervously confessed, "At one point during the game, we have to get up, find a restroom and take a leak. I've really been studying restroom signs and I just hope I get it right."

Some students have already obtained a copy of the final exam.

---

CBA COACH RICHARDSON DIS-INVITED TO BERKOWITZ SADER

Albany, NY -- Former NBA All-Star and current Continental Basketball Association coach Michael Ray Richardson, was suspended for anti- Semitic remarks he made on Tuesday while speaking to reporters.

"I've got big-time Jew lawyers," said Richardson, "and...they're real crafty and they got a lot of power in this world." Jewish leaders around the world took offense to the old Jewish stereotype and called for a massive boycot of Richardson's team, the Albany Patroons. Rabbi Chaim Fitzgibbons vowed he would never ever set foot in a CBA game. "It's second rate basketball and I don't like to spend money on second rate basketball and that's no stereotype," said Fitzgibbons.

Richardson later clarified his remarks saying, "What I meant was that I like Jewish crafts, like those popsicle stick Stars of David, and they use a lot of power, like lighting up all those menorahs." Richardson said.

Richardson was most upset that his remarks were misconstrued when he later found out that he would not be attending the Berkowitz family sader meal. "All year long I wait for Passover and now I'll have to spend it in Popeye's Chicken," whined Richardson.

Richardson said, "This is a must read if you're into Jewish crafts or crafty Jews."

---

GOODALL GETS REAL WITH PLAYERS

Las Vegas, NV -- In an effort to rein in law breaking NFL players, Commissioner Roger Goodall announced a new league initiative, "Hanging with the Commish."

Goodall explained that players would be encouraged to call the Commissioner before they go out to a club or strip joint. "We're going to try and supervise some of this errant behavior and teach the player the proper way to conduct themselves in a stripping situation," said Goodall.

Pacman Jones, the oft-troubled Tennessee Titans DB, was one of the first player to participate in the program. "We just had a swell time together," said Jones. Goodall helped Jones with his strip club etiquette so that, "his chances of being arrested weekly go down substantially.

Goodall said, "It's all about technique. For instance if you're going to shoot someone in a strip club, you have to have a pre-plan where you can plant the gun on some uninvolved bystander, sneak out the back door, and not be identified as an NFL employee."

Jones explained that watching Goodall was "watching a pro." "He shot two people, molested two dancers, and sold a pound of coke before anyone could say, shared revenue. And no one ever picked up it was Roger Goodall."

 

This is naturalist Jane Goodall. She told Jockweb, "I rarely get in fights in strip clubs."

---

UFC AGREES TO BUY KFC

New York, NY -- The majority owners of Ultimate Fighting Championship have agreed to buy fast, food giant Kentucky Fried Chicken, in the deal that will merge fighting with fast food.

For years fans have confused the two entities by requesting Ultimate Fried Chicken or trying to tune into the Kentucky Fighting Championship. "It was damn confusing," said Milt Breedcrum, a stockholder in KFC. "And sometimes when I was ordering a 13 piece bucket, someone would just punch me in side of the head."

"We think this is a marriage made in heaven," said UFC chairman Colt Kocked. "Think about it, fighting and fast food, there is absolutely no connection. But hey big mergers are intriguing and investment bankers make lots of money."

"We think there a big pay per view audience out there for fighting for fast food," said an NBC sports exec. "I think if you put two people at the counter and they have to fight before they get their food, you're going to have some compelling sports television."

---

NBA ISSUES FATWA ON JEFF VAN GUNDY

New York, NY -- The NBA office issued a 'fatwa' on Jeff Van Gundy for comments he made suggesting that the league open up the lottery to all 30 NBA teams.

Van Gundy said that he felt it was unfair that some teams intentionally lose in hope of securuing the No. 1 pick. "They are a lot of dirty, low down cheaters in this league, so lets have some parity and let everyone cheat," said the Rockets' coach.

Commissioner David Stern, who issued the 'fatwa' said, "I'm not sure what a fatwa is, but it sounds scary as hell." "But," he added, "For a Jew to issue a fatwa, you know I mean business." Stern was unclear of what should happen now. "Do we wait and just see if someone gets to Van Gundy and then do they come by and get a check or something?"

Van Gundy was said to have immediately gone into hiding in Yao Ming's back pocket.

---

ESPN HIRES JAWS FOR MNF; THEISMANN REFUSES TO LEAVE BOOTH

New York, NY -- In a not so surprising move, ESPN announced that Ron Jaworski would replace Joe Theismann as the analyst on Monday Night Football.

Theismann was said to be shocked by the news and refused to step down from the job. The former Redskins quarterback chained himself to a chair in the broadcast booth at the Meadowlands screaming, "I'm Joe Theismann, goddamnit, and I'll have this job for life!"

Police were called in and eventually Theismann was subdued by a sedative dart. Veteran crisis intervention officer Rudy Joody said, "We don't get to use the dart gun much so it was a lot of fun to use it on Joe Theismann." Joody explained that there were not too many escaped bears near the Meadowlands but "when we hit Joe with the dart, he just keeled over and slept like a baby."

Theismann was removed from the broadcast booth and taken to a local zoo where he'll most likely spend the rest of his days. Zoo officials said it was great to get a rare specimen like Theismann "who never shuts up about himself long enough to get a breath."

 

The unshaven Theismann was immediately transported by animal control officers.

---

ARTEST REVERSES RETIREMENT DECISION AFTER ONE DAY AT HOME

Sacramento, CA -- It took Sacramento Kings forward Ron Artest three hours to reverse his decision to retire from professional basketball.

Yesterday at 9am, Artest announced that he was leaving basketball so that he could spend more time with his family. At noon, Artest said he had had enough of this "family shit" and would be returning to playing basketball for the Kings.

"This family stuff is really overrated," said Artest. "First the old lady wanted me to do some wash, then I had to empty the dishwasher, and then she told me to clean the bathrooms," said the exasperated forward. "Damn, by 11 am I was pooped," he added.

Artest explained that he originally thought in retirement he have time for his passions, stamp collecting and dog beating, but "damn, that old lady was all over me." Kings coach Eric Musselman said, "I'm glad Ron is back in the fold because we didn't have anyone to clean the bathrooms or beat the dog."

Artest said that "beating a pit bull only takes a few minutes a day and hey there's 24 hours to kill."

---

SERGIO GARCIA SPITS IN CUP AFTER THREE PUTT

Miami, FL -- Spaniard Sergio Garcia deftly spit into the cup on the thirteenth green after a three putt caused him to bogey the hole.

Observers say that the Garcia's spit was indeed, "accurate and skillful." Golf commentator Oostie Peterhouse said, "It takes great skill and concentration to be able to spit from where he spit and get it into the cup."

Garcia admitted, "I didn't think it was going in but right at the last moment the luugie broke right and of course the rest is history." The Spanish native did give credit to his caddy Jose Nose. "Jose told me that the wind was blowsing right to left so when I let the lunger go I started it outside the cup," said the jubilant Garcia.

Later in the tournament rookie golfer Sandy Hook five putted and decided to pee in the 17th hole. Unfortunately, Hook played for fade and pissed all over himself. Hook said, "I look up to guys like Sergio and I wanted to shake his hand but I had pee-d all over myself and I thought I'd better go change my pants."

Garcia's action prompted several fans to just honker up some snot and let it go.

---

PETE ROSE ENCROACHES ON ARENAS ACTION

Washington, DC -- Washington Wizard fans have been surprised to see Pete Rose as a regular attendee at all Wizards functions.

Apparently, after hearing about the informal betting going on between Wizards guard Gilbert Arenas and fans, Rose wanted in on the action. "How easy is that? You don't even have to call your bookie," exclaimed Rose. "All I have to do is turn my head, talk to a guy three rows back and I've got a great bet," Rose explained.

Baseball commissioner Bud Selig said, "We have no problem with Pete betting on NBA games because that means he's not showing up for baseball games."

However Arenas is not happy with Rose's presence. "He's f$%^ing up my bets. I'm trying to find a bet on who's gonna nail the game winner, and he's taking bets on the Cardinals beating the Reds in Vero Beach."

Rose asked, "If I promise just to bet on basketball, football, hockey, soccer, tennis, golf, cricket, fishing, hunting, curling, pool, and indoor lacrosse but no baseball, can I still get in the Hall of Fame?"

Rose said, "I don't bet on my own team and I never sell drugs to my own players."

---

STRAHAN'S EX OFFERS SETTLEMENT

Newark, NJ -- Finally there is some end in sight to the contentious divorce proceedings between New York Giants star Michael Strahan and his ex-wife Jean.

Lawyers for Mrs. Strahan said in the court document, "this whole thing boils down to a dental problem and if Michael deals with that dental problem, Jean Strahan is willing to forego the 6.5 million dollar settlement on the table."

Dental experts agree, it'll take a huge amount of time and money and most likely some of the best dental minds in the world to fix Strahan's smile.

Dr. Murray Fishman, "The Gentle, Pain Free Dentist of Dunnellen," said, "We have several options to fix Michael's smile and each one can be done in any of my seventeen North Jersey locations." Fishman added, "I can guarantee that anyone coming to the 'Gentle, Pain Free Dentist,' will have just that experience. AND I can give Michael a nice sticker that says, 'I didn't cry when I visited the dentist.' Patients love our stickers."

Lawyers for Strahan said they will study the offer for several days before committing to the Fishman plan. "Michael is deathly afraid of the dentist but if Fishman can guarantee 'gentle pain free,' this might be something we'll entertain," said lead attorney Wally Colgate.

Strahan was all smiles after meeting Dr. Murray Fishman. He said, "Dr. Fishman is different than any dentist I've ever met and I don't think I'm afraid anymore."

---

POLICE DISCOVER THOUSANDS DEAD WATCHING CRICKET

Kingston, Jamaica -- Jamaican police discovered a large number of dead bodies at a stadium in Kingston from what is being called a mass natural disaster.

The dead were all victims of watching cricket at the time of their deaths. Police theorize that the spectators all simultaneously became bored to death at the same moment.

Inspector Henry Iggins said, "People don't understand how deadly watching cricket can be." No one is quite sure of the exact time of death since the game began a week ago and is still going on. Iggins added, "Most of the bodies are in an advanced stage of decay so we can only surmise that they became bored about an hour or two into the match."

Observers say the World Cricketing governing board has been covering up these types of mass deaths for years. Iggins said, "More people have died from watching cricket than in all of the World Wars put together." "The tragedy of this," he said, "is that these were only innocent spectators with no means to defend themselves from this cruelly boring sport."

Thousands died in Jonestown in 1978 after being force to watch the Reverend Jim Jones play cricket.

---

ESPN'S CLAYTON AND JOLIE FIGHT OVER ADOPTION

Hoolywood, CA -- ESPN football analyst John Clayton and film star Angelina Jolie have temporarily split over differences in opinions about Jolie's adoption of a Vietnamese child.

Clayton and, Jolie have been romantically linked for the last two years and Clayton said, "I'm tired of being her doormat." "I have needs that aren't being met," shouted Clayton. He added, "She goes out and adopts kids like I go out and get newspaper. Every time I come home there's a new kid from another country and she wants me to learn another language."

Jolie said, "If I wasn't so goddamn madly in love with the knucklehead, I kick his ass out, but he's such a out of this world lover that I always find myself giving in."

Clayton emphatically added, "It's not that I don't like kids but the truth is, I should have never left Jane Fonda!"

Clayton is rumored to be a high maintenance lover.

---

PENN STATE REPORTS POWER OUTAGE AFTER PORTLAND RESIGNS

State College, PA -- Penn State University experienced a severe power surge which resulted in a complete power failure after head women's basketball coach Rene Portland announced her resignation.

Portland, who had been the center of a controversy and lawsuit involving hostile treatment towards a lesbian player, said, "It's time to let bi-gones be bi-gones and bi-sexuals to be bi-sexuals."

Lesbians throughout the country and particularly on the PSU campus celebrated well into the night after the announcement was made. Facilities Management officials at the school say that the celebrations may have triggered the power failure.

Hank Wojihowski theorized, "that a large demand on the power grid may have been a result of a lot of simultaneous use of pleasure equipment." He explained, "We feel that the huge female euphoria at Portland's exit may have triggered the plugging in and use of thousands of these devices therefore stressing the system."

One happy student said there had not been this kind of celebration, "since Ellen DeGeneres got her own talk show."

Penn State students taking a break from classes to celebrate the Portland resignation.

---

TEXANS ACQUIRE SHUAB OR SHAUB OR SCHAUB AFTER CARR UNDERGOES TRANSPLANT

Houston, TX -- The befuddled Houston Texans acquired quarterback Matt Schaub from the Atlanta Falcons to compete with starter David Carr for the starting job.

Carr, who underwent an off-season "ass-transplant," is not sure of his return to the team in 2007. A Texans spokesperson said that Carr had major surgery to replace his ass, after his ass was entirely destroyed last season. "David spent most of the season on his ass, which took it's toll," said assistant GM, G.W.Bush.

Carr is believed to be the first person to have an ass transplant but doctors believe he'll make a full recovery. "It's actually pretty easy to replace one ass with another," said Dr. Hymie Hyman. The surgeon added, "David had one worn out ass, it would have been suicide to play another season with the same ass."

Schaub told reporters, "I have a nice ass and I'm hoping to keep it in Houston." However the Texan offensive line refused to guarantee any ass protection in 2007.

Carr in pre-op getting fitted for a new ass.

---

ROETHLISBERGER DISPUTES OFF-SEASON CRITIQUE

Pittsburgh, PA -- Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger vehemently denied that his head injuries from his off-season motorcycle accident had an effect on his on-field performance.

Critics, including former assistant coach Ken Whisenhunt, have gone as far as saying, Roethlisberger came back too soon and was not prepared for quarterbacking an NFL team.

Roethlisberger said, "I love the Pirates and I'd never go on the ice for them unless I was totally 100% so if anyone thinks my batting average was off, doesn't know squat about soccer."

Whisenhunt, now the head coach of the Arizona Cardinals, said at times Roethlisberger answered only to the name Roberto Clemente. "I think riding a motorcycle without a helmet is like having sex without a condom. I don't know what the connection between them is but there's a metaphor there somewhere."

Roethlisberger, in defense of his quarterbacking skills, said, "I always drive my motorcycle without a condom and I wear a helmet whenever I have sex."

Whisenhunt asked the question, "What do you think Whisenhunt is? Irish? Italian? God, I'm confused."

---

JOHNNY WEIR BLAMES COSTUME IN SKATING LOSS

Tokyo, JAPAN -- Skater Johnny Weir blamed his costume for his poor showing at the World Figure Skating Championships here in Tokyo.

"I was just soooo tired of figure skating today," said Weir. "But," he added, "my costume was very tired and out of shape and it was dragging me down," added the sexually ambiguous Weir.

Weir has had a career of not getting along with clothing. In the Torino Olympics, Weir blamed underwear skid marks for a 7.8 score on his final program. The skater insists that skating is 1% him and 99% his clothing and "if my clothing isn't prepared to skate then I'm just shit."

Several skating fashion mavens have observed that "Johnny's clothes just don't want to go along with the whole Weir program." One skating coach said, "There aren't too many skating costumes that want to get on Johnny. They feel they'll be unfairly judged."

After his routine, Weir chastised his pants for being "opened" and yawning throughout the routine.

Weir said that he'll be working with some new outfits in the future, "Outfits that give their all during my routine."

---

WWE DENIES STEROID ALLEGATIONS

New York, NY -- World Wrestling Entertainment Inc. issued a statement yesterday denying that any organizational wrestler has been involved in the recent steroid controversy.

"We just a bunch of fat guys parading around in spandex," said wrestler Norris Towne, aka The Nut Cracker. He asked,  "Why would I need steroids to get bigger when I can just eat trans fat Doritos?"

Wrestling observers agreed with Towne that historically wrestlers are just big, fat guys parading around in spandex." Wrestling historian Arthur Schlossinger in his book, "Big Fat Guys in Spandex: The History of Wrestling" said, "Historically wrestlers are just big, fat guys parading around in spandex."

Dupont, the patent owner of Spandex, issued a statement saying, "We're very grateful to wrestling and all of the big, fat people who have made spandex the fabric choice for big, fat people."

Okay, we stand corrected. Not all people who wear spandex are big, fat wrestlers.

---

POPE BENEDICT APPOINTS DON KING TO COLLEGE OF CARDINALS

Rome, Italy -- Boxing promoter Don King received good new from Pope Benedict during his recent audience with the Pontiff.

The Pope announced that King would become a member of the prestigious College of Cardinals. In his weekly papal address, Benedict said, "Don King has been good for boxing and good for the Catholic Church."

King and the Pontiff have negotiated a deal where a championship ring will be erected in St. Peter's Square for Sunday morning bouts. King explained that his partnership with the Vatican is "a natural." They've got a great audience on Sunday mornings and we've got some entertaining bouts." he said.

King also said, "I'm grateful to get into college and I like their uniforms."

The Pope is hoping the a double bill of mass and boxing will help sagging attendance. "It's body and blood time," said the Pope in his signature German accent. He smiled and yelled, "Let's get ready to rumble."

Newly appointed Cardinal King. "There's a lot of hair under this beanie," joked Cardinal King.

---

OCTOPUS FALLS IN LOVE WITH OPEN WATER SWIMMER

Melbourne, Australia -- It didn't take swimmer Chloe Rowe to realize that she was being followed. Rowe, swimming in the 10k open water event at the World Swimming Championships, felt was she thought were strange eyes watching her every move.

It turned out that she was right. A giant octopus had been watching the race and for some reason became fascinated with Rowe. The octopus began following her and then attached his eight arms around her stopping her from completing the race.

Rowe explained, "He was clinging to me like a needy guy does and I couldn't finish the race." Russian Larisa Illenko won the gold medal for the open water event but it was the Rowe story that touched the hearts of swimming fans everywhere. The octopus and Rowe became so attached that they are now a couple.

Marine biologist Ted Huggems said, "When an octopus sees a nice looking swimmer go by naturally he gets aroused. And they'll attach themselves to the female and began the courting ritual." Huggems continued by saying the octopus will most likely cling to Rowe for the rest of her life.

Huggems added, "Basically the octopus is looking for someone to replace his mother. Believe it or not they are not the fierce creatures we imagine them to be. Basically they like to sit around and do nothing all day."

Rowe said, "He's attached to me and I'm kind of attached to him."

---

WHITE HOUSE HOSTS NATIONAL CHAMPS FLORIDA GATORS

Washington, DC -- President George Bush hosted the collegiate national football champion Florida Gators for a reception at the White House yesterday.

After Bush welcomed and congratulated "the Buckeyes on your great accomplishment," the President read the team a story.

Bush then thanked the entire state of Florida for throwing the election his way in 2000. "Florida is full of Americans who love freedom," the President declared. He added, "I've got a ton of those Izod shirts with the alligators on them. Do you sell those in your bookstore?"

After the reception, Bush announced that coach Urben Meyer would lead a new initiative against the Sunni insurgency in Iraq. Bush said the way Meyer figured out the Ohio State defense, makes him a natural for the Iraq job. "Besides," the President said, "I just love the name Urben. Got a nice ring to it. Urben loves freedom. He's loves democracy. Willing to fight for democracy. He's got lots of shirts with alligators on them, just like me."

The President read an excerpt from the book, "aciremA."

---

NCAA REPORTS EXCESSIVE "MASTERBASTING" AMONG COLLEGE ATHLETES

Indianapolis, IN -- A report by the NCAA reveals that a disturbing trend of "masterbasting" has taken root among the collegiate athletic population.

NCAA President Myles Brand admitted, "We've got a huge problem with this 'masterbasting' and we can't seem to get our hand around it." Schools around the country have described the situation as critical and that this practice could grind all collegiate sports to a halt.

One anonymous student said, "I started masterbasting about a year ago and I can't stop. It's all I want to do." Coaches say that players have stopped showing up for practice and have seemed to have no other interests.

One college counselor commented, "All students go through a phase of masterbasting. It's part of normal development. What's different today is that we're seeing people masterbasting in public."

This student said he masterbasted continually for several hours a day.

---

MUSHER FORCED TO PULL DOGS AFTER "CANINE STRIKE"

Nome, Alaska -- A musher in the Iditarod Dog Sledding race had to pull a sled of ten dogs after the dogs went on strike.

The dogs refused to pull the sled at the 1,050 mile mark. Musher Sid Vicious described the scene as "ten lard ass dogs sitting down on the job." With only 90 miles to go in the race, the dogs laid down and would not get up forcing Vicious to pull the sled himself.

"It was kind of fun," said Vicious afterwards. "At first, I didn't like running on all fours but after they spanked me a few times with a whip, I thought I was in a porno movie and I got real excited." The dogs took turns whipping Vicious but the stern discipline of the sled dogs paid off when Team Vicious finished first.

Later, Vicious feasted on a plate of Iams Swedish meatballs and a some melted ice. "Gee whiz, if I knew how much fun it was to be a sled dog, I would made a career change years ago." PETA representatives on site said, "the dogs treatment of Vicious was cruel and unusual punishment but it is erotic to see a grown man getting spanked by ten dogs."

PETA representatives are very much in favor of spanking. "Did we say animal cruelty? We were just kidding."

---

CELTICS FINED FOR "EXCESSIVE CONTACT" WITH DURANT FAMILY

Austin, TX -- The Boston Celtics were fined $30,000 for what the NBA says was "excessive contact" with family members of possible number one pick, Kevin Durant.

Durant, the coveted University of Texas forward, is a favorite of Celtics General Manager Danny Ainge. Ainge attended the NCAA tournament games this weekend and sat with several members of the Durant family.

"He was blowing in my ear the entire game," said Durant's mother. "I'm trying to watch a game and this guy is slobbering all over me telling me 'you're my number one, baby.' " Several other family members complained about Ainge's aggressive recruiting tactics. One cousin said, "For most of the second half he was rubbing my inner thigh."

Ainge admitted that "I might have been a little overstated in my enthusiasm for the Durants but I think one thing in clear, a GM has to get people's attention."

Mrs. Durant said later, "Even if someone else picks Kevin, Danny Ainge can blow in my ear anytime he wants."

Kevin's uncle Jimmy did not attend the game due to the fact he died in 1986.

---

JOCKWEB'S OFFICIAL THAD MOTTA FOOD WATCH!

Jockweb continues to bring you the most up to date, cutting edge sports information with it's latest feature, "THE OFFICIAL THAD MOTTA FOOD WATCH." We will continue to bring you sporadic reports of what Ohio State's head coach Thad Motta picks up off an arena floor and puts back in his mouth.

Yesterday during the NCAA tournament game between Ohio State and Xavier, Motta picked up three spent pieces of gum, six french fries, a half of cup of ice cold Coke, a cotton candy stick with just a "thad" of candy left on it, and several M&M's.

Motta commented at his post game conference, "All and all I was pleased with my stash today but in all honesty, I thought the quality just wasn't there." Motta added, "At an NCAA tournament, you expect a better variety of discarded food but hey, I left the game with my appetite satisfied."

 

After the game Motta rummaged through some garbage "just to calm me down."

---

SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMING EVENT ENDS IN RIOT

Melbourne, Australia -- The world synchronized swimming championships ended in chaos after a dispute between the first place Russians and the third place Americans.

The Americans were feeling slighted when the Russians captured the gold for what they said, "was a lame routine of a nuclear accident at Chernobyl." American coach Randy Rose said, "Come on, do we want to see this kind of sentimental shit in the pool?"

The Americans routine was a ten minute choreographed, "History of the Washing Machine." Rose said, "You can compare the two. We had twelve swimmers doing a complete wash cycle and they really put it on the line during the spin cycle. And all they did was put a few swimmers in middle of the pool and call it a meltdown."

The swimmers squared off at the victory stand. Twenty four swimmers in perfect synchronicity fought the climatic scene from Rocky V. The twelve Americans synchronized Rocky Balboa's moves versus the Russian menace Dolph Lungren.

Rose added, "Fighting really is good for synchronized swimming. For once, there was real fan interest in this idiotic sport."

The Russian's team version of a melted nuclear reactor core.

---

SECOND SCANDAL AT LSU IN A WEEK

Baton Rouge, LA -- Was it intentional that the LSU athletic administration created a second scandal to distract Americans from the first?

On the heels of their women's basketball player allegedly "hitting on" one of her players, news has also surfaced that the aging mascot, "Mike the Tiger" is retiring with no pension.

Mike, a real Bengal tiger, attends all of the games and roars on command whenever there is a touchdown. However, the 15 year old beast has decided to call it quits but has discovered that he was never eligible for the school's 401 K plan because he is an animal.

"I was shocked," said Mike. "And angry," he added. "I mean I can get so angry I can maul and eat someone," explained Mike. He asked with a tear in his eye, "Now what do I do?"

School officials refused to comment on the situation saying only that, "Mike has had it pretty darn good for a long time. He gets to hang with the cheerleaders and they pet him like crazy. Most aging males would love being petted by nubile, scantily clad cheerleaders."

Mike sadly said, "Yes, that's true, but that doesn't pay the mortgage."

Mike asked, "Who can afford a condo in Florida?"

---

CAVALIERS POLLARD CLARIFIES COMMENT ABOUT KIDS AND DRUGS

Cleveland, OH -- Cleveland Cavaliers forward Scott Pollard met with reporters to clear up any misunderstandings that may have resulted in his off-handed on-camera comment, "Hey kids, do drugs."

Pollard explained, "It's important for kids to do drugs."  "Life is tough but it's so much easier if you do drugs," he added. Pollard is taking his pro-drug message on the road in conjunction with his new book, "Kindergarten on Crystal Meth."

"The book contains lots of practical information like for instance, how to mask your drug use in a urine test," Pollard said.

Hells Angels President, Ronnie Dyson said, "We need more people like Scott Pollard speaking out for our kids." Dyson, who agrees that crystal meth goes perfect with kindergarten, said, "Scott Pollard gets it when it comes to our children."

Child development expert Scott Pollard added, "Let's put the seconal back in second grade."

---

LSU WOMEN'S COACH TO TRY OFF-BROADWAY

Baton Rouge, LA -- It didn't take LSU women's coach Pokey Chatham long to find another job after being temporarily let go when accusations surfaced that she was having an affair with one of her players.

Chatham refused to comment on the allegations but did suggest that if you have some good pick up lines, coaching college is a great place to pick up women. Several of her colleagues came to her defense. One coach said, "Come on, it's a lesbian candy store."

An LSU spokesperson said, "For the most part we frown upon our coaches having sex with our players unless we win a national championship and then we're all too drunk to notice."

Chatham said that, "no pun intended but the suspension has opened other doors to me. I'm working on my new play the 'Vagina Dialogues.' I didn't get the 'Vagina Monologues'. I think it's more realistic to have vaginas talking with one another than just having a vagina talking to herself." The play will debut at an off-off-off-off Broadway theater somewhere between 42nd Street and Bourbon Street.

Common experience dictates that vaginas talk more to other vaginas than to themselves. (Hey, how'd that non-vagina, fouth from the left, sneak in this picture?)

---

MEMPHIS GRIZZLIES TRYING TO LOCK UP LOTTERY PICK

Memphis, TN -- With the stakes in this year's NBA draft soaring, the last place Memphis Grizzlies are trying to insure that they will draw the number one lottery pick.

With marquee players like Ohio State's Greg Oden and Texas' Kevin Durant available, Memphis management doesn't want to to anything stupid like win more games. The Grizzlies have decided to bench starters Pau Gasol, Mike Miller, Rudy Gay, and Stromile Swift in favor of four guys dressed like Elvis.

Grizzlies coach Tony Barone asked some critical questions about the franchise at Tuesday's post-game press conference. Barone, who looks like he was run-off the "Good Fellas" set, wanted to know, "Why the hell are we the Grizzlies? There ain't a Grizzly within a million miles of Memphis. AND why is there no 'L' on the end of Pau (Gasol). Is that supposed to be Paw Gasol like a paw  on a Grizzly?

These and other perplexing questions were never answered while the Grizzly replacement players did a rendition of "Don't Be Cruel."

Why aren't the Grizzlies called the Memphis Elvi or the Grand Old Opreys?

---

ALABAMA OFFICIALS SUSPEND CHEERLEADERS

Tuscaloosa, AL -- University of Alabama officials suspended the entire cheerleading squad for what they claim "was the gayest damn routine we ever did see here in Alabamie."

The cheerleading squad performed a routine during the halftime of an SEC playoff game that forced University President Ray Perkins to ask, "What the hell are they doing out there? It looks like some kind of gay thing. In fact, it's the gayest damn routine I ever did see here in Alabamie."

Perkins immediately suspended the cheerleading squad and announced that they would not get their university approved status back until "they start shaking around like Duke strippers."

"What the hell are they doing?" asked the 19,000+ Alabamie fans.

---

MARSHALL FIRES BASKETBALL COACH; CAN HE INVALIDATE MARRIAGE TO COUSIN?

Huntington, WV -- Ron Jirsa was fired today as the head basketball coach of the Marshall University Thundering Herd after a disappointing 13-19 season.

Athletic director Babs Marcus said Monday in a prepared statement, "Ron was just God awful and we wish that he had gone down in a plane crash and no movie was made about him afterwards."

Jirsa coached for four seasons and compiled a 43-74 record. Jirsa first question after the firing was, "Is my marriage to my first cousin valid?" Jirsa was explaining that in order to get the original job at the West Virginia school that he was forced to marry his first cousin."

"She's real purdy," said Jirsa, "but I'm from Minnesota and they don't go for that shit up there."

Marshall officials said they would form a search committee and "we promise to find for a coach with at least five teeth."

---

PHILS' BURRELL TRIES NEW APPROACH TO HITTING

Clearwater, FL -- Philadelphia Phillies outfielder Pat Burrell is willing to listen to anyone these days about improving his hitting.

Burrell, a chronic underachiever at the plate, visited a Florida optometrist this week in hopes that a new eyeglass prescription can help his batting performance. Dr. Meye Strain said, "You know people always make fun of thick glasses and you know they should because thick glasses make people look funny and oftentimes scary."

The Phillies slugger tried the new coke bottle glasses this weekend and though he still struck out four times, Burrell said, "I got a lot of laughs and some people thought I was scary." Burrell added, "But chicks still dig a guy with thick glasses."

Phillies manager Charlie Manuel said, "The idea here is that when Pat comes to the plate the opposing pitcher will either laugh his ass off or be scared to death. Either way, we're hoping Pat can draw a walk."

Burrell said that batting with his new glasses "is a lot like an acid trip."

---

HAMSTER DISAPPEARS AT SWIM MEET

Laguna, CA -- A swim meet had to be cancelled yesterday when a missing hamster set off a three hour search that forced many swimmers into a defensive posture.

Swim meet organizers refused to let any swimmers in the pool while the hamster was still at large. Meet director Jerry Pinacola said, "We can't have a hamster wandering around a swim meet. What if he falls in the pool and drowns?"

The missing hamster set off a flurry of activity while security tried to locate the missing animal. "A hamster can hide anywhere and usually they find warm, dark places," said security chief Myer Collon. "I just don't understand people bringing their hamster to a swim meet," added the frustrated Collon.

Finally the hamster was located in the snack bar munching on nachos and cheese but not until every swimmer had been thoroughly searched. Fortunately, no one was injured and the little guy was all smiles.

Remember, hamsters are very resourceful and if let out of their cage, can hide anywhere.

---

ARTEST TIPS HAT TO DUKE'S HENDERSON

Sacramento, CA -- Sacramento King's forward Ron Artest invited Duke freshman Gerald Henderson to visit his home this weekend.

Artest said, "I'm impressed with the boy and I think he could do some damage in my house." Artest added, "You know it's nice to just have a guy like Gerald around just to keep my old lady in check."

Henderson said, "I'm honored that Ron would have me assault his wife. Being only a freshman, you tried really hard to impress and it's nice that someone notices." Artest, who is tired of having a reputation for waking up, looking out the window, and then assaulting someone, said, "I know Gerald can deliver a nice elbow to my wife's jaw but I want to see how far he can kick my pit bull."

Duke coach Mike Zharasknewksi said, "I just hope Gerald comes back to Duke because my wife's been giving me a raft of shit lately."

This Gerald Henderson denied elbowing Tyler Hansbrough saying, "I play clean aggressive defense."

---

SPURS' PARKER ACCUSED OF LEAKING "HOUSEWIVES" PLOT LINES

San Antonio, TX -- Producers of the ABC hit show, "Desperate Housewives" are furious at San Antonio Spurs point guard Tony Parker.

The show's creators go to great lengths to protect the secrecy of plot lines from the viewing audience. Hollywood observers say that the show's atmosphere resembles a cloistered nunnery. "No one's getting in and no one's getting out," said one anonymous actress. One producer did comment, "Anyone leaking information about plot lines will have their genitalia mutilated."

However, in recent weeks, audiences have been privy to story lines and producers could not trace the leak. That is until recently. It appears that star actress Eva Longoria has been spilling her guts to Spurs guard Tony Parker, who in turn, has been blabbing information in the Spurs shower.

Longoria explained that Parker withholds intimacy from her unless she reveals the plot lines. Parker in turn, explained that there was pressure inside the Spurs organization to come clean with the story lines. Show producers said that if Parker doesn't learn to keep his mouth shut, "We promise to shorten his French joystick."

---

JOCKWEB'S COLLINGDALE IMPLICATED IN BUCKHALTER PATERNITY SUIT

Lincoln, NB -- In a strange twist of events, attorneys for both the plaintiff and defense named Jockweb reporter Fred Collingdale as the missing dad in the Correll Buckhalter paternity suit.

Buckhalter, who was being sued for child support, for fathering a child in 1999. "It ain't me babe," said Buckhalter, "I don't remember ever being near Nebraska." University teachers don't remember Buckhalter being at Nebraska either, though he did play football for the school.

In testimony, Buckhalter shocked the court when he named Collingdale as a possible father to the child. "Look the Jockweb server was down for two whole weeks. That's plenty of time to father a child."

In response, Collingdale testified that though, "yes the server was down, I couldn't find anyone who wanted to have sex with me." "Besides," added Collingdale, "I get no income from Jockweb so I'd be a pretty crappy dad."

The judge in the case said that, "Collingdale is a sad excuse for a citizen and that Jockweb was at best a sophomoric attempt at internet sports satire that pollutes the minds of millions of bored office workers."

Buckhalter said the 'N' on his helmet stands for "Never" as in "Never been to Nebraska, and never fathered no child."

---

NCAA TO CRACKDOWN ON "FISTING"

Indianapolis, IN -- The NCAA announced yesterday that they will begin cracking down on illegal moves that have overtaken collegiate wrestling.

This year has seen a dramatic increase in the "fisting" move where one wrestler actually incapacitates another by putting his fist up the ass of his opponent. "This is a dangerous move for both wrestlers," explained long time wrestling observer Bruno Samartino. "It's not only uncomfortable for the wrestler on the receiving end but you can lose a hand.
 

One wrestler said, "Once someone's hand is up your ass there isn't a whole lot you can do but maybe ask your opponent to check for polyps." Henry Popeshoot, a veteran wrestling coach, explained, "I think this might attract an unsavory crowd to our sport."

This wrestler shows why he's 29-0 this season.

---

BEARS' SMITH SAYS TEAM WILL GET TOUGHER IN OFF-SEASON

Chicago, IL -- Lovie Smith did not waste time preparing for next season after the Chicago Bears' disappointing Super Bowl loss to the Indianapolis Colts.

Smith, fresh off of signing a new multi-year contract, announced, "We've just got to get tougher." Smith was referring to what he called a "wimpy element" on the team. "We're going to weed out the sissies in the off-season," Smith promised.

One thing is for sure, nothing short of a Super Bowl victory will make Smith happy in 2007. The Bears coach added that every last detail of the Bear regimen will be designed to promote toughness. To that effect, Smith even changed the type of toilet tissue used in the Bears' facility.

"Toughness starts with the basics and it requires commitment from every players," said linebacker Brian Urlacher.

Smith said even your toilet tissue can promote attitude.

---

COLTS TRIP TO DISNEY WORLD MARRED BY VIOLENCE

Orlando, FL -- The Indianapolis Colts gathered together for the traditional post-Super Bowl celebration at the Walt Disney World resort but the event soon turned sour when several Disney characters decided to fight back.

Jarry Carry, the actor who portrays Mickey Mouse explained, "We're just tired of these little kids coming up to us and kicking us in the shins or worse yet, punching us in the testicles." Carry said that the cartoon characters union has backed their decision to fight the kids on equal territory.

Several children of the Colts' players were injured in the melee and treated in a local hospital. "I don't recall a single cartoon character attack in the 35 years of medicine," said Dr. Jim Cricket. "I guess we've been lucky until now and I think violent fictional puppets are here to stay," he added.

Mickey Mouse reacting to a kick in the nuts.

---

VENEZUELAN PRESIDENT WANTS TO TRADE PLAYERS FOR SEXUAL FAVORS

Caracas, Venezuela -- The President of Venezuela Hugo Chavez announced today that no Venezuelan baseball players could leave to play in the United States unless he was granted certain sexual favors.

Chavez, who is said to be obsessed with "The View" host Rosie O'Donnell, said that if the MLB wants to continue to mine his country for talent then, "I want to bunk down with Rosie." Chavez added, "I've watched 'A League of Their Own,' over 40,000 times and each time I love Rosie more and more as that lovable third baseman."

MLB commissioner Bud Selig announced an all out squeeze play to get the controversial talk show maven to share intimacy with the South American strongman. "I know Rosie loves baseball and if she wants Americans to continue to view high quality games, she'd go along just this once."

O'Donnell, though still hesitant, did comment, "Sitting with Barbara Walters or laying with Hugo Chavez? It's definitely something I'll think about."

Chavez was surprised when he was told O'Donnell was a lesbian. "You're kidding me, right? Come on, you're bullshitting me, right?" he asked.

---

OHIO STATE'S MOTTA MAKES FAMILY EAT OFF THE FLOOR

 Columbus, OH -- A report by the Columbus Department of Human Welfare revealed that Ohio State basketball coach Thad Motta forces his family to eat off of the floor.

Motta, who was caught picking up a spent piece of gum off the floor and then putting it back in his mouth, said that in order to stretch the family budget, "I do make my kids eat whatever is left on the floor." Motta explained, "You can go around an arena after a game and probably fill up about ten containers of popcorn. And God knows there enough half full beers to get a nice buzz going."

Motta's wife said that her husband's obsession with eating off the floor affects all aspects of their family life. "On vacation, we've got to pull over on the side of the road and scrap some possum or squirrel off the road if we want lunch."

Welfare employees noted that the Motta children look well fed and recommended that arenas begin selling used food. One employee remarked, "Come to think of it, you can save a ton of money at a ball game on snacks if you just keep your head down."

"Call me crazy, but dead dog is delicious," said Motta.

---

PHILLIES SIGN HOWARD FOR ONE YEAR; BRETT MYERS SMACKS HIS WIFE

Philadelphia, PA -- The Philadelphia Phillies signed National League MVP Ryan Howard to a one year contract for $900,000.

Phillies GM Reuben Amaro Jr. said, "We feel pretty good about the deal since we're getting a big hitter for the same price we pay third base line ball girl."

Howard said that he felt that for $900,000 he could probably buy the Volkswagon Rabbit he's been eyeing. Howard exclaimed, "Do you realize the Volkswagon has three models under $17,000?"

Pitcher Brett Myers was said to be so happy with Howard's deal that he beat his wife. "It was a love punch, a punch of excitement," said Myers. "It's all good with Brett," said the blackeyed Mrs. Myers.

---

JOCKWEB OFFICES SABOTAGED BY MYSTERIOUS VIRUS

Jockweb Temporary Headquarters -- Jockweb Worldwide suffered a serious blow when their corporate offices were infected with a deadly virus.

Doctors from the CDC in Atlanta have been sampling a variety of samples of various things that you sample when you suspect someone is infecting the sample population. Jockweb CEO Shecky Sheckstein explained, "My bowels were runnier than the Colorado River during a spring thaw but I survived the virus."

Investigators are not sure why the on-line publication was targeted and eventually shut down for two weeks. Mitch Fromer, a veteran private investigator said, "It could be the work of terrorists or it could simply be that the stupid, f^&*ing hosting company lost their files."

Sheckstein added, "I think we were shut down for the last two weeks because the f^&*ing stupid, hosting service lost our goddamn files. But we're back on line and readers are rejoicing."

---

ORIOLES' BENSON NOT UPSET AT SEASON ENDING INJURY

Baltimore, MD -- As spring training opened, the Baltimore Orioles received bad news that pitcher Kris Benson will miss the 2007 baseball season with a partially torn rotator cuff.

Benson, the club's No. 2 or No. 3 starter, will have surgery to repair the shoulder sometime next week and then will face a long rehabilitation.

Orioles VP of personnel Mike Flanagan said, "It's tough when one of your top pitcher's goes down but hey that's what happens when you throw a little white ball real fast and people try to hit but they can't because like it's spinning and curving and shit and like man it's coming at you fast and man it's hard to hit and then your shoulder hurts cause you throw damn ball so hard."

Benson for his part, took the news with great calm. "Have you seen my wife? I'm home for a year. Don't cry too much for me. I think I'll manage to keep busy and it won't be gardening."

Benson said, "I'm looking forward to rehab."

---

DOCTORS FIND ND PLAYBOOK IN CHARLIE WEIS

Boston, MA -- Doctors defending themselves in a malpractice suit began by Notre Dame football coach Charlie Weis said, they found the Notre Dame playbook inside Weis when they operated on him.

Weis, who suffered complications from gastric bypass surgery is suing the doctors for botching the procedure. However the doctors say they had no choice by to staple Weis stomach completely shut. Weis said after the operation he could no longer swallow or eat.

"He wants to lose weight and he complains that we close off the stomach?" asked surgeon Lefty Levin. Levin explained that when doctors opened Weis, "his stomach was similar to a large sea creature." Levin said, "We found tires, old appliances, beer cans, and even the Notre Dame playbook."

Weis asked in a surprise tone, "So that's where that damn thing went? I don't remember eating that." Weis concluded his testimony by saying, "If I had found that playbook earlier, I think we might have beaten Michigan."

Doctors introduced photos of the contents of Weis' stomach before the gastric bypass surgery.

---

CHARGERS FIRE SCHOTTENHEIMER OVER CROSS DRESSING

KANSAS CITY, Mo. - Marty Schottenheimer isn't likely to shed any tears over the unfairness of his dismissal as head coach of the San Diego Chargers.

Marty knows, better than most, that professional football is rarely fair.

So he'll take his 200 victories and his 14-2 2006 regular-season record, and look for his next coaching opportunity without making much of a stink about Chargers general manager A.J. Smith dictating coaching decisions.

According to published reports in San Diego, Marty's insistence on dressing like a woman just became too much for Chargers management. "It's one thing to cross dress in the privacy of your own home," said Charger owner Dean Spanos, "but it is another thing altogether to coach a playoff game wearing a wig and a stuffed bra."

Schottenheimer's reputation for odd behavior has followed him throughout his career in Cleveland, Kansas City, and Washington. Though always successful, he has insisted on dressing like a woman in very big games. "This can be very confusing to players," said Spanos. "Are they taking orders from Marty or Martina?" Schottenheimer insists that his behavior is entirely healthy and that dressing like a woman, "relieves the stress that an NFL coach feels."