JockWeb Sports Source

Miami, FL -- Race car driver and "Dancing With The Stars" winner Helio Castroneves pleaded not guilty to federal tax evasion charges and declared outside the courtroom that he would treat the case like a race against the Internal Revenue Service.

Castroneves is accused of hiding income from the government and from the Penske Racing Inc., his sponsor. The race car driver was "moonlighting" at a Miami Jiffy Lube and not reporting the income. Prosecutors claim the he performed "a ton of oil changes under the table and didn't tell anyone."

"I do a few oil changes for my friends on Sunday afternoons, is that such a bad thing?" he asked. However the government claims that over time there were $5 million dollars of illegal oil changes. Many customers said that Castroneves was "a cheap oil change at first but increased his prices after winning the dance competition." "Helio charged $29.95 last year but this year, oh my God, he wanted $299.99 for a simple lube job," said customer Tito Fuentes.

Castroneves said he did not want to go to jail because, "If they find out in jail I'm a dancer, I could have some major problems, if you use your imagination." He left the courthouse, hopped into a waiting Formula One race car and was last seen driving north on Interstate 95. "Let's see if the IRS can catch me now," he chided as he left.

The IRS's new policy of shoot first, collect later will be severely tested in the Castroneves case.

Charlotte, NC -- Rusty Wallace denied Wednesday a report by his brother that he is considering a return to NASCAR's top level.

Rasheed Wallace told reporters that his 52-year-old brother out to "Get the f*** back into a car and drive the mother f***er." Rasheed, a power forward for the Detroit Pistons, said he was proud of his brother, "cause he drives f***ing fast in that f***ing car he has and I wish I had a f***ing fast car so I could drive f***ing fast too."

Rusty retired after the 2005 season and is currently an analyst for ABC and ESPN. "I love Rasheed to death but I don't think he's my brother," said Rusty in statement later. "While I appreciate the flattering rumors that I may return to NASCAR, I don't remember growing up with a brother named Rasheed."

Rasheed angered by Rusty's denial proceeded to get angry and was tossed for yesterday's Pistons' practice. "That lying mother f***er," screamed Rasheed, "He's from North Carolina and I went to North Carolina for a year, what other f***ing proof does he need?"

Later Rusty reached out to Rasheed and the two embraced with Rusty saying, "We're all brothers aren't we?" The smiling Rasheed said, "Hey, that'd make a hellava tattoo."

Miami, FL -- Miami Heat general manager Randy Pfund, who helped Miami win the 2006 NBA championship resigned on Monday saying that he has lost his zest for basketball.

"It's no pfun anymore," said Pfund. "Instead of pfabricating a pfacade by ignoring pfactors that made me pfecitiously pretend to be a reasonable pfacsimile of a NBA executive, it's time for me to pface pfaint pfailure and pfall near a pfaucet while pfasting and doing pfavors."

Team president Pat Riley, who already had the final say on all pfersonnel moves, said that he would work had to made sure "the pfranchise didn't pflounder." He added, "I'm very happy Randy is moving on and we can drop this 'pf' pronunciation.

Pfund said he would not return to basketball but look for new opportunities in the investment world and added, "I may even consider starting my own Randy Mutual Pfund."

Dallas, TX -- Dallas Mavericks forward Josh Howard wants to sing the National Anthem at this year's Super Bowl.

The All-Star forward has been facing heat lately after a recent posting on YouTube showed him giving some characteristically unpatriotic remarks regarding "Old Glory." Howard was shown at a charity flag football game and as the anthem plays Howard approached the camera and says: "The Star Spangled Banner is going on right now and I don't even celebrate that shit, I'm black."

Howard, facing a huge backlash said yesterday, "It's a hellava tune. I hum it all day long and as a black dude, I know music." He said, "I just want to change it up a bit and bring it into 2008." The part-time hip hop artist said, "My whole plan is to rap it during the Super Bowl." "I think if white people see what I can do with it, it's going to really repair my image," he explained.

Artists throughout the country rushed to support Howard. "It needs reworking," admitted pop diva Barbara Streisand. Streisand said that lately, "I've been hanging in the hood, sharpening my rap skills and iiii's gonna bust out and bangle the banner." Celine Dion greeted Howard's new with delight. "I'd love nothing more that to perform alongside Josh Howard...I've always admired his work on and off the court and we've gotten high together regularly after my Vegas shows."

Howard said he was overwhelmed with the outpouring of support for his idea to put forth a newer, hipper National Anthem. "You see, we can all get along if we just put our heads and hearts together."

Rapper Barbara Streisand said, "I need to reach out to a new audience and I thank Josh Howard for pushing my musical envelope."

New York, NY -- Think the New York Mets are going to waste time crying in their soup about another choked filled season?

Yes, most definitely there will be crying and a gnashing of teeth but GM Omar Minaya said that, "We can only look forward to next season, that is if we are all still alive, that is if the citizens of New York don't murder us which is a real possibility, that is if we can sell any tickets, etc. etc. etc."

Saying all that, Minaya got to work strengthening what seemed to be the Mets' achilles heel by signing former New York Yankees' Cy Young winner, Sparky Lyle. Lyle, who helped the Yankees win three championships during the 1970's, was a relief ace for the Bronx Bombers and a noted clubhouse prankster.

During his playing days and since, Lyle was known for sneaking into the locker room during games to sit au naturel on birthday cakes prepared for teammates, leaving the imprint of his posterior on the frosting. In his autobiography, Lyle noted that teammate Ron Swoboda turned the tables on him by defecating on a cake which was then delivered to Lyle.

"It was really fun playing baseball and I love putting my bare ass on a birthday cake and then have someone lick the frosting," explained Lyle. "I think I can bring that same energy and fun-spirit to the New York Mets," said the 60-something Lyle. "At least, they'll have some fantastic birthdays," he chuckled.

Bare assed, tobacco chewing Lyle may be just the tonic for the ailing Mets bullpen next season.

Denver, CO -- Hall of Fame quarterback John Elway announced yesterday that he has asked former Oakland Raiders cheerleader Paige Green to marry him.

Denver media reported Friday that the two-time Denver Bronco Super Bowl winner proposed to Green during a trip to Italy last week. The 48-year-old Elway was previously married to Janet Elway for 18 years and they have four children. "If you had told me a few years back that I would divorce and rebound with a really hot cheerleader, I would have told you you were crazy," joked Elway, "but there are plenty of washed-up old cheerleaders all over the place." "And I do believe," added the quarterback, "that every guy should be able to score an old cheerleader."

Not everyone was happy for Elway. Besides the obvious post-divorce resentment of his ex-wife, Raiders owner Al Davis was said to be fuming over the engagement. The 79-year-old owner takes a very possessive stance when it comes to ex-cheerleaders. Davis speaking from his "Raiders Mansion" , where he regularly houses his entire cheerleader harem, said emphatically, "No employee of Al Davis will bed down with a Bronco."

For years Davis has kept close rein on "Al's Girls" and it is common knowledge that all Raider cheerleaders must bunk down with the owner as part of the audition. "That's the perk of being the owner," explained Davis. Green said she had tried for years to break away from the clutches of Davis but couldn't because she said, "He's more man than most women can handle." We'll see if Elway can really compete.

Davis, Hefner? You want to play, you gotta pass the owner's test.

Seattle, WA -- Things are so bad with the last place Seattle Mariners that one player threatened to "punch out" outfielder Ichiro Suzuki, the team's best player.

A clubhouse insider said, "I can't believe how the number of guys who really dislike him." Suzuki could not comment on the story because he does not speak English. The coaches held a meeting to discuss the problems but Ichiro could not understand anything at the meeting and did not comment because he does not speak English.

Pitcher J.J. Putz said, "If you have something to say to somebody, step up and say it and don't talk behind someone's back, it's ridiculous." Several players came forward from behind Suzuki's back and began discussing how much they hated their best hitter.

One player said, "You're selfish Ichiro and I don't like sushi and you're always eating sushi and that really bothers me." However, Suzuki did not comment because he does not speak English. Several players stood and talked behind his back and several stood in front of him but he never understood anything.

One proud player denied that he talked behind peoples' backs. "I try and talk in front of someone's back cause the back's in front of me and if the person turns around then that seems to work really good but when they turn around I guess I'm not talking in front of their back anymore, right?," he questioned.

IF you going to talk behind someone's back or talk in front of someone's back, our advice is find a really nice back.

State College, PA -- Penn State football coach Joe Paterno called on the U.S. Congress to get busy and legalize marijuana.

Paterno was speaking on his weekly radio show while announcing that defensive linemen Maurice Evans and Abe Koroma would play in tomorrow's Big Ten opener against Illinois. Both starters were suspended last week after police found marijuana in their on-campus apartment of September 2.

"I know what you're thinking," said Paterno, "that old Joe has lost his mind and has thrown out all the team rules against drug use just to win a ballgame." "But the truth of the matter is," Paterno explained, "is that these two young men have glaucoma." Glaucoma, a deteriorating condition of the eye, effects thousands each year.

"Marijuana reduces pressure on the optic nerve," Paterno said while pointing to a model of an eye ball. "These fellows are courageous football players battling a horrific disease and when will congress get rid of these archaic rules regarding marijuana smoking?" Paterno asked while slamming a table. "Look at my thick glasses...I smoke marijuana all the time and let me tell you, my vision is pretty damn good or I couldn't coach a major college program," he added.

With that Paterno and his wife, Sue, noted for their philanthropic activities, donated a $1.50 to NORMAL, a marijuana lobbying group. "We'll get this done in Congress," promised Joe Pa, "and maybe we can squeak out a win against Illinois."

Sue Paterno relaxing with a smoke during Joe's press conference. "I can see for miles and miles," quipped Sue.

Detroit, MI -- The Detroit Lions fired President and GM Matt Millen after years of losing, bad drafts, and because according to owner William Ford, "Matt Millen is an idiot."

Ford added, "There's no way around it or to say it nicely... Matt Millen runs a football operation like George W. runs a country and that's into the ground." Millen defended himself saying, "Okay, I admit it, I'm a little stupid...alright, I admit it, I'm a lot stupid...okay, I'll go all the way, I'm a complete bumblef*** when it comes to the Detroit Lions."

His mother Mrs. Millen said, "Yep, my son is a bumblef*** alright." The National Association of Bumblef***s issued a statement last evening saying, "We're proud of Matt Millen and the mess he's made of the Detroit Lions...Matt embodies what we as bumblef***s are all about."

To add insult to injury a local Detroit Pee-Wee football team also fired Millen yesterday. The Detroit Lion Cubs football team was 2-32 over the last eight years with Millen as the volunteer president of the organization. 8-year-old linebacker Teddy Krewski explained, "The guy is obsessed with drafting wide receivers and we've never had a decent O-line or quarterback." Krewski sighed, "I'm sorry to say, Matt Millen is a bumblef***."

Millen said, "I'll be back, I'm executive material for someone, somewhere." "I swear, I can win on the Pee-Wee level if I just surround myself with the right people," he promised.

Lexington, KY -- The Kentucky Horse Racing Commission passed a measure in harness racing banning certain types of whips and riding crops that have snappers. The items contain strands of material at the end that can leave welts on horses.

The action produced an unexpected outcry from several protest groups including a radical wing of PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) who maintain that whips and crops are just part of "great bedroom fun."

Art Styvy, president and regular S&M participant, said, "Whipping with a riding crop is very stimulating for both partners and the welts usually clear up in a few days." His partner Millie Horsham added, "The welts are symbol of our love and all you have to do is use a cheap skin cream if you need to cover them up."

Hortense Taco of the fringe group PETAWS (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals With Spanking) commented, "You're denying horses the great pleasure of carrying out their sexual fantasies." "What next?" she asked, "You won't be allowed to tie up an animal?"

Jockey Rosie O'Donnell was aghast at the Commission's move to crack down on whipping.

Pomona, CA -- Former National Football League kicker Tony Zendejas pleaded not guilty to four felony rape charges on Monday but told reporters, "Despite my age, I think I can still contribute to an NFL team."

Prosecutors claim that Zendejas, 48, drugged a woman at his Mexican restaurant and then raped her. Zendejas is charged with rape by use of drugs, rape of an unconscious person, sodomy by anesthesia, and sodomy of an unconscious victim.

Zendejas played in the NFL from 1985 to 1995 for several teams including the then Los Angeles Rams. "It's clear that the Rams need a quality kicker," said Zendejas after he was released on bail. "I truly believe that the NFL needs to get a team back in the Los Angeles market," he added.

"I've kept in shape," claims Zendejas, "and I think I have the consistency and range that makes me an attractive acquisition to a team looking to improve their kicking game." He offered reporters a free spicy taco with choice of beverage if they visited Zendejas Mexican Family Restaurant. "We kick Taco Bell's ass everyday," he said as his handcuff were unlocked.

East Lansing, MI -- Charlie Weis was emphatic on Saturday that the laptop computer he had in the coaching box was not for cheating.

"Honest, we weren't doing anything illegal," Weis said after Notre Dame's 23-7 loss to rival Michigan State. "It's not like I still work for the Patriots," he added.

A Michigan State spokesperson said he removed the laptop after noticing it was being used in the first quarter. Having that type of technology in the coaching box is illegal but Weis insisted that the computer was not there for football purposes. "Okay, I admit it," said Weis, "I'm addicted to internet porn." Relieved he went on, "There I said it, that feels so much better now that I got it out."

The Irish coach explained that it began as an innocent curiosity but "soon spiraled out of control." "This may come as a shock to some of you but I've got a big appetite for everything and certainly cyber porn is just like dessert and I love dessert," added Weis.

"And truthfully, after the season I had last year, it was more fun to watch porno film than game film," finished the coach.

Weis shown here sharing some internet porn tips with coach legend Joe Paterno. "I got the right glasses for porno," said Paterno.

Beijing, China -- The last remnants of the Olympic games were cleared from Beijing yesterday and the Chinese got back to normal.

Immediately the Chinese lifted the national ban on farting. The prohibition against farting was a collective effort to curb pollution during the games. "It really worked," said Hui Fung Gong. "It just goes to show you," added Gong, "the Chinese can unite and demonstrate national purpose."

Athletes from all over the world flooded Beijing with "thank you" notes and card. "We went in thinking we were going into a very tough competitive situation with a lot of pollution, but the no farting ban was extremely effective," said one Olympic coach. "I take my hat off to the Chinese," he added.

Never before in the history of mankind has so many sacrificed so much for so many. The ban was not without a cost. Two million Chinese were rounded up and placed on the island of Taiwan because they could not contain their own farts. The government announced that these citizens would not be invited back to mainland and announced, "There Taiwan, take that!"

Yesterday Chinese were relieved that they could finally relieve as one woman lets loose a massive underwater fart.

New York, NY -- New York Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez's wife Cynthia became his former wife yesterday after the two reached a settlement in a divorce brought on from A-Rod's alleged infidelity.

Cynthia Former Rodriguez accused her ex-husband of numerous extra marital transgressions most notably with pop-diva Madonna. Throughout the proceedings Mr. Rodriguez denied the affair with Madonna citing the ever popular, overused, "We're just really good friends." Mrs. Rodriguez, in a moment of tense point-counterpoint yesterday said, "I usually don't f*** my really good friends." Her ex-husband responded, "You would if she was Madonna." Then Mrs. Rodriguez said, "I don't think so, I would not That would make me a lesbo." A-Rod then said, "Would too." Then they each went back with several "Would nots and would toos" until the judge finally chimed in with a, "Let's face it, male or female, twenty years ago we would have all f***ed Madonna, but not today."

Soon after A-Rod took out his checkbook and agreed to a huge settlement which allows him to be free of Cynthia. "I got a hot chick waiting out in the car for me so can we hurry this up?" he impatiently piped up. The former Mrs. A-Rod took the check and stuck the check down in her cleavage. "You'll never touch these again," emphasized Cynthia. With that, the Yankee dropped his pants, pointed to his testicles and said, "You won't have these in your hands either."

Could this be the new Mrs. A-Rod? People close to the situation say that the new girlfriend is very politically astute.

New York, NY -- The Dow Jones Industrial Average slid over 450 points yesterday, to its lowest mark in three years, despite the government's bailout of insurance industry leader AIG.

Fears continued to grow that the global financial system is on the brink of collapse. "Investors are scared to death," said Jockweb CEO Shecky Sheckstein. "I guess this would be a bad time to advertise our new 'Jockweb Mortgage' product that requires absolutely no money down." Sheckstein was referring to the company's foray into the mortgage business after realizing, "Why not lend money that you don't have?"

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke admitted yesterday, "I would say we're in a frenzied panic, I'd call it more certain financial death for everyone I know." "But," added Bernanke, "the good news is that O.J. Simpson didn't stab anyone today."

Experts had feared that Simpson might have stabbed someone because yesterday was Wednesday. "Wednesday is as good as any other day to stab someone but O.J. just sort of puttered around all day." A neighbor of Simpson said, "He came out of the house for a few minutes to get something out of his golf bag but he didn't stab anyone."

Bernanke told an anxious audience, "I predict that O.J. probably will not stab anyone in the next quarter but I would not rule it out for early 2009."

Don't despair over bad credit or a stock market crash...Jockweb is now in the mortgage business!

Tulsa, OK -- In case you were sleeping or living under a rock, for the last eight days some of the best gun shooter in America shot it out in the United States Practical Shooting Association's 2008 National Handgun Championship.

"We call it 'practical shooting' cause we'll practically shoot anything that moves," explained President Ray Gunner. "It was really fun this year cause we used live criminals," added Gunner.

The championships were broken into two major events. The first is the Smith & Wesson Limited, Production & Revolver competition. Marksman Bobby Joe Head explained that, "In this competition, you go after someone you know pretty damn well and want them dead, like your ex-spouse or your mother-in-law." "This is a load of fun and seriously anyone can compete," he added.

Round two is called the Smith & Wesson Shoot Someone Just Cause You Own A Gun Playoff. During round two, participants wait behind a counter in a 7-11 convenience store and if someone looks suspicious, you shoot. "This is a little tougher," said Head. "Sometimes you can't exactly tell who's suspicious and who ain't but that why we've got the championship," Head countered as he took aim at a illegal alien.

"Surprisingly, we've got a lot of people from Arkansas in the tourney this year," smiled President Gunner. "Ain't that something?" he asked.

No one goes home a loser at the U.S. Practical Shooting Championship but then again not everyone goes home.

Summer beach reading may be coming to an end but get the fireplace lit and grab the new book, "Boys Will Be Boys" detailing the Dallas Cowboys of the 1990's by Jeff Pearlman.

No bibliophile or collector should hesitate from adding this tract to their collection. That's exactly what I did last yesterday and let me tell you, not since "Crime and Punishment" have I been so richly rewarded by a book experience. The book starts out like so many with a table of contents. You can skip over this because the table of contents just tells you how many chapters there are. So skip this and get right to Chapter 5. Chapters 1-4 focus on football stuff, you know, this close game and that almost completed pass stuff. Admittedly, I already knew about Michael Irvin's insatiable appetite for cocaine so new light shed there. Jerry Jones obsession with his toupee, again, no surprises. But Chapter 5, Charles Haley, All-Pro Jerk Off, must be read slowly and out loud. In fact, I read it to my significant other, in order to enjoy the complete pleasure of the written word. It begins with a description of Haley masturbating during a film session in the screening room. Compelling stuff? You bet your sweet cherkin pickle it is.

I give Pearlman's book an unprecedented 6 stars for what can only be described as unrelenting journalism in the pursuit of human truths.

"Haley would stroll up to an unsuspecting (49er) teammate, whip out his phallus, and repeatedly stroke it in his face. Players initially laughed it off..."

"But Haley refused to stop. He would jerk off in the locker room, in the trainer's room. He'd wrap his hands around his penis, turn toward a Joe Montana or John Taylor, and bellow, 'You know you wanna suck this!'

"Charles used to beat off in meetings while talking graphically about other players' wives...it got to the point of ejaculation."

Notice Pearlman's artful use of the work phallus where most writers would use the commonplace "dick" in it's place. Novice writers take note of Pearlman's rich use of metaphor "wrapping his hands around the penis" creating in the reader's mind both a sense of environment as well as a palpable tactile experience. And notice how Pearlman takes us "to the point of ejaculation" but not a moment beyond. Which informs me that I'm in the hands of a master (meaning of course Pearlman). Truly great writers are able to use language to tease images from your subconscious. Pearlman proves that he is a national treasure and that he will be remembered as truly one of the great investigative journalist of our time. Grab this book, grab yourself, and have some real pleasure.

Cairo, Eygpt -- A recent discovery that revealed baseball did not originate in America has sparked interest among archeologists as to where exactly the game began.

"We like to know who started this stupid game," said archeologist Dr. Hans Dooper of the Frankanfaarmoor Institute. "As archeologists, we always need new things to dig for...well actually we're digging for old things but it's a new dig so I guess what I'm saying is we're digging for new old things...that just sounds idiotic...what the f*** am I doing in this profession?...seriously, where did I go wrong with my life?" babbled Dooper.

Dooper and his team flew to Cairo because in his words, "Eygpt just seems like the place to dig, doesn't everyone dig in Eygpt?" After six month of excavation at an estimated cost of several million dollars financed by the "Let's Dig for Old Shit" Foundation, Dooper hopes to find out once and for all where did baseball originate.

The dig began on Friday and already Dooper reports some exciting findings. "We hypothesize that baseball was played as far back as 48 B.C. during the reign of King Ramses II," explained the doctor. "What was fascinating was we found an entirely preserved picture of Anna Benson which leads us to conclude that Eygptians really knew their baseball...Anna Benson is indeed a wonderful archeological find," panted Dooper.

New York, NY -- The New York Giants and Jets have ended their talks with Allianz, a German insurance company with connections to the Third Reich, about the naming rights to the new $1.6 billion dollar stadium in the Meadowlands.

The teams decided to pull out of the deal because of negative reactions to Allianz, who was the big Nazi insurance company. Both teams got nervous when Allianz demanded that a giant swastika be displayed on the front of the stadium and in both end zones. "Heil Giants, heil Jets, wasn't resonating with us," said one Giants' spokesperson.

Allianz said that the negative fallout was "ridiculous and so what's the big deal if we sold Adolph Hitler a little bit of life insurance?" Herr General Rudolf Hess, a long-time salesman for Allianz, said, "We got lots of insurance products that can help the small businessman all the way up to the large dictator."

Hess added, "If you want some good coverage think Allianz...we're going to be there when you need us." Hess explained that all the fuss about the Nazis is just plain paranoia because in reality, "Hitler never collected on his life insurance policy because he killed himself...yeppers, we made out pretty good on that policy."

"Maybe we ought to change our company symbol to an big elk or a big rock and drop that Nazi slogan 'own a piece of the Reich,'" he concluded.

Irving, Texas -- Dallas Cowboy Pro Bowl quarterback and main squeeze of singer Jessica Simpson, seems to be pretty handy around a auto repair garage.

The playboy saved a couple on the side of a busy street last weekend after the Cowboys star returned home from the season opener in Cleveland.

Luther and Maybelle Vulnerable were broken down on the side of the road in the 1974 Ford Pinto. "It's a Pinto so it ain't got no flashers and we was just daring someone to rear-end us so the car would explode and we could sue Ford," explained Luther.

"But Mr. Hot Shot football player has to get out and fix my flat tire," said the angry Vulnerable. Romo patched the flat, filled up the tire, and the Vulnerables went on their way. "Shit, we were an inch away from a winnable lawsuit," lamented Maybelle. "He may be one of the hottest men I ever seen," she said, "but the son-of-a-bitch might just cost us a couple of million smackers."

Cowboys owner Jerry Jones was thrilled that Romo can fix cars. "Shit, for I'm paying him, he's washing, waxing, and changing my oil after the Monday night game with the Iggles," promised Jones. Jessica Simpson asked, "I got a dent in my bumper, do you think he can fix that?"

Green Bay, WI -- Seven-time Tour de France champion Lance Armstrong announced yesterday that he is coming out of retirement and "I think I can still quarterback in this league."

Tour director Christian Prudhomme asked, "What is it with all these mother f***ers who can't stay retired?...hey and did you notice I've got the same last name as Chef Paul Prudhomme and I can't make peanut butter and jelly?"

Armstrong threatened to show up at the Green Bay Packers practice facility and force the franchise to deal with him. Packers coach Mike McCarthy said, "Frankly we've moved on several times since Lance first retired." He explained, "We moved on after Ty Detmer retired, and then we moved on that other guy went to the Jets, and seriously, what is it with all these mother f***ers who can't stay retired?"

Armstrong agent said, "Where's the loyalty in the NFL? Come on a guy retires, un-retires, retires, un-retires, says I'm considering retirement but I'm not sure, I might retire, I'm gonna talk if over with my family, there's a good possibility I won't be back next year, but I want to leave the door open cause when I get home I might get bored, and the old lady wants the grass cut, and I get the itch to play but then again, do I want to play again, gee this is tough shit this retiring business...so you see what I'm saying, where's the loyalty to a guy who gives his life to sport?"

Finally Armstrong said, "Let's just give me a few more months to think this un-retirement thing over."

The first Mrs. Armstrong asked, "Did he really date one of the Olsen twins?"

Miami, FL -- LPGA Commissioner Carolyn Bevins and North Korean dictator Kim Il Jong were seen walking arm in arm in South Beach yesterday.

The sighting of Jong was the first in months after reports surfaced that he may be ill and headed for the dictator scrap heap. But rumors were swirling around South Florida that Jong is smitten with the feisty czar of women's golf. "I'm ill alright," joked Jong, "like I'm Kim Ill Jong I'm so ill."

Bevins, who was recently on the hot seat for instituting a new "Speak English Only" rule on the LPGA circuit, admitted, "I like strong men and Kim Il Jong is a strong man." The two met last month when Jong took exception that Bevins was signaling out Koreans with her ruling. Jong threatened nuclear action against future LPGA events and the two sat agreed to sit down at the negotiating table.

"I have to admit sitting across from Kim surprisingly got my love juices flowing," explained Bivens. "And it didn't matter that he didn't speak English because I realized that love is the universal language," she continued. The two became linked romantically soon after the incident. Jong for his part quipped in his native Korean, "I'm going to give her all the bogey she can handle."

Foxboro, MA -- Millions of New England Patriots fans stood in line yesterday in the rain to pay their respects to the 2008 New England Patriots.

The townsfolk held a memorial service to bury any hopes of a Super Bowl run after quarterback Tom Brady torn his ACL in his left knee during Sunday's game against the Kansas City Chiefs. Reverend Wallace B. Wallace led the service and said in his remarks, "Sometimes things happen in life that we just don't understand yet we have to have faith that God has his reasons."

Season ticket holder Bab Krayder said through tears, "There is no God...no all-powerful being who by nature should be merciful would do something like this to an entire city." Patriots coach Bill Bellichick took the podium and urged the Patriots fans to "hold fast in your beliefs...though it's easy to say God has turned his back on us, sometimes he sends someone to help ease our burden...granted he sent Matt Cassell and don't know how much that's going to restore my faith but nonetheless, we could sign Tim Rattay or Chris Simms."

The injured Brady told fans, "Don't cry for me...yes I will have surgery, yes I will play again but in the meantime, I'm a fabulously good looking stud and I'll be home for at least a year banging a supermodel whenever I feel like it...and you folks are doubting the motives of a Supreme Being?"

Throughout the world yesterday, millions gathered to mourn the loss of Tom Brady for the season.

San Diego, CA -- As the baseball season approaches the final weeks, executives begin to ask the questions, "What went right?" and "What went wrong?"

No where is the latter being asked more than in San Diego. The Padres are 18 games out of first place and have one of the worst records in baseball. "Truthfully, we're still better than the old Montreal Expos," said assistant coach Wally Jointman.

However manager Bud Black seemed to hit bulls-eye of the problem when he labeled the 2008 Padres as "too soft." "Just take a look at them," observed Black, "they're just too nice and perky." "You can't win ballgames if you're not mean," cautioned Black.

Black explained that depending on the day of the month, "We could three, maybe four players skip batting practice." "We're going to sit down at the end of the season and evaluate and no one's job is safe," he promised.

Several Padres giggled and several disputed Black. "We really get along great," said one anonymous player. "I mean, really, like, it's no big deal, like come on, baseball? who needs it," she concluded.

The 2008 Padres, too soft? Despite their last place standing, they sure are cute!

Baltimore, MD -- The NFL front office came down on the Cincinnati Bengals' receiver Chad Ocho Cinco and any other players considering a name change.

Commissioner Roger Goodall said that the former Chad Johnson couldn't change his name to Ocho Cinco because the NFL licensing division would have to pay a royalty to Spanish. "I fear that the Spanish language would have a good case of copyright infringement against us," explained Goodall. "And what if all the other players filed suit and we started have players like Donovan Cinco and Peyton Diez y Ocho and Tom Doce, shit the thing could get out of control," pleaded Goodall.

Spanish said through their attorneys, "Thanks for the idea, cause we weren't thinking lawsuit." The owner of Spanish, some guy named Diego said, "Yeah who do these gringos think they are that they can just take our numbers and make names out of them?" "Okay," added Diego, "give me two million pesos and I'll go away."

Goodall, known for his ability to brainstorm a compromise, announced, "Hey, with my ability to come up with a compromise, what do say that we hyphenate the names?" He explained that lots of people hyphenate their names when they get married like Harvey-Smith or Wellington-Farmington. Everyone seemed happy with the compromise and Johnson-Ocho Cinco said, "I just want this nightmare to be over."

Goodall joked later, "You know if a guy name Hairey married a girl named Beaver and they hyphenated their names they'd be 'Hairey-Beaver." "Jees, that's funny!" howled Goodall.

South Bend, IN -- Former Notre Dame quarterback Brady Quinn, frustrated with his lack of playing time for the Cleveland Browns, put on a disguise and played several series in yesterday's Notre Dame victory over visiting San Diego State.

Quinn was a first round pick of the Cowboys, was traded to the Browns but has seen little to no action since his arrival in Cleveland. Coach Romeo Crennal said yesterday after learning of Quinn's disappearance, "Brady who?" Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis was watching his lackluster team sputter for three quarters against the upstart Aztecs when he pointed to No. 10 to go in the game and "just f***ing do something."

Weis expressed surprise later on when he realized that it was Quinn back on his team. "Christ, for a moment I thought I was stuck with Jimmy Clausen for the whole year," expressed a relieved Weis. Weis failed to realize that Quinn used to be his quarterback. "I guess when I had my stomach stapled shut I lost some short time memory," said Weis. Weis is under contract to coach the Irish until "three days after eternity ends" but ND fans are anxious to have the team returned to their former greatness.

Last season's "worst team in history" has Weis on the hot seat. ND athletic spokesperson Combie O'Hare said, "Charlie's not really on a hot seat because his ass is too large for a hot seat...it's more like gigantic hot tub that covers his ass."

Quinn was extremely happy after the game, "There's no place like home, there's no place like home, there's no place like..."

Doral Beach, FL -- LPGA commissioner Carolyn Bivens, who is taking heat for her proposed plan of fining non-English speakers who play on the professional women's circuit, announced yesterday, "I'm just warming up."

Last month Bivens unveiled a plan that would fine or suspend any player who "can't speak English that I can understand." Yesterday Bivens told reporters, "There are all kinds of people who get on my nerves and I plan on fining them too!" Several people close to the tour have compared Bivens to a modern day female Torquemada. Torquemada, the legendary leader of the infamous Spanish Inquisition, tortured thousand of religious heretics during the 15th century.

Bivens said yesterday, "I've always admired Torquemada and he's had some great ideas for torture." Bivens added she did not rule out torture for any non-compliance on her "English-only" rule. "Let's go after all non-believers too...and that includes any Buddhists, Moslems, Jews, and guys named Bruce," demanded Bivens. "I got news for you, we put a tub of hot, burning oil on the first tee, we'll get'em speaking English and they'll be born again!" exclaimed Bivens.

Several tour sponsors were reluctant to originally go along with Bivens' new discriminatory policies but were soon swayed by the potential new market. "Hot oil torture?" asked Best Foods CEO Wally Hurrah. "We think our Wesson canola brand could be the official hot oil of the LPGA," he chirped. Bivens said, "Our sponsors will embrace torture because it's what fans clamor for and for chrissakes it's just good entertainment."

Bivens displayed this nifty torture tool that will help fill up those ESL (English as a Second Language) Tour classes.

Rye Brook, NY -- Details of the scandal involving rookies Mario Chalmers and Darrell Arthur came out yesterday as the NBA expelled the two men from the league's rookie transition program on Wednesday.

Chalmers and Arthur were allegedly involved in bringing women to their rooms and smoking marijuana during the program for new players held at the Arrowwood resort in Rye Brook. Sources close to the situation said that NBA commissioner David Stern was furious at the scene and personally threw Chalmers and Arthur out of the program.

The two former Kansas Jayhawks led their team to the 2008 NCAA championship but now find themselves in NBA "hot water." One longtime NBA employee explained, "You can get away with a lot of shit in the NBA but you can't have drugs and women in your hotel room without inviting David Stern."

Stern, who has developed quite a reputation over the years as a "party animal" was said to have rushed to the toilet to save the marijuana when the players tried to flush it away. "You don't flush good pot down the toilet," chastised Stern. After the players left, Stern locked the door and refused to let the women leave. "I'm the commissioner and the commissioner makes the rules and the rule is, the women stay with me," said the matter-of-fact lilliputian.

Kansas coach Bill Self stood by Stern's decision. "It may be a rookie mistake but you can't have players doing drugs and cavorting with loose women unless they share, it's that simple."

For you numb-nuts that don't understand the "lilliputian" reference, read "Gulliver's Travels."

Toronto, Ontario -- The Toronto Maple Leafs hockey club has committed to going exclusively with "young, really young players" announced GM Guy Richey.

After drafting 23-month-old Tyler Hickory, the Leafs are taking a big chance in trying to get back to the Stanley Cup finals. But Richey is sticking to his guns. "Okay, I admit it, Hickory is small, yes, really small but that can really work to your advantage in hockey," said Richey. "Didn't you ever see those Mighty Ducks movies? They've always got some small guy skating under people's legs and it's really funny," he further explained.

Hickory had no comment about the criticism that "he's just not ready for the NHL" mainly because being 23-months old, he is not yet able to form coherent sentences. In addition, he was very cranky and wanted "more juice."

Pint size Hickory hates those little jars of Gerber shit vegetables who is shown here talking to a wall.

Lubbock, TX -- Former Texas Tech and basketball legend Bobby Knight said yesterday that he will never coach again and that we (America and the world) can beg him all we want but his decision is final.

"That enough!" Knight exclaimed. "Okay, that's it!" he continued. "Enough already!" he told the one reporter gathered in front of his house for a press conference. "Jesus, when are you people gonna just let it be?" he asked. "Christ, I just want to be left alone," said Knight to the lone reporter from the Buddy Holly elementary school newspaper, the Rave On. "Come on, let it go...I had a good run and now it's time for Bob Knight to just go off in the sunset," he lamented.

Reporter Teddy Grantham, who covered the press conference for his first assignment of the 2008-09 school year, reported, "I meet Coahc Night and he a vary ggot cach." You can read further excerpts from the Knight press conference by contacting Miss Peggy Sue, the faculty advisor to the school paper. Teh intire sutent publakaton kan bee fund on teh skool's hoompige.

Second grader Benn Farber had some fun yesterday in computer class and couldn't say for sure who this is but said we could use it for something.

Los Angeles, CA -- The UCLA Bruins football team defeated the University of Tennessee Volunteers by a score of 27-24 but the big news was happening on the sidelines.

This was the first game where the UCLA athletic administration unveiled their new "live" Bruin mascot. "Bruno the Bruin" made his entrance into the stadium before kickoff but the experiment soon went awry. "We thought it would be cool to have like a real animal mascot like Texas has a longhorn, we'd get a real Bruin," said athletic department intern Felicity Fallus.

The Bruin was brought in from the Colombia escorted on a bicycle by handler Escobar Pedro Escobar Pedro. However, the Bruin became a little edgy in front of the 70+ thousand screaming fans and mauled several cheerleaders to a premature death. "Today we gained a mascot but lost several cheerleaders," said university chancellor Harv Brown. "All in all, a pretty good day," continued Brown.

Shortly after the mauling incident, U.S. Government ATF (Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms) Agents descended on the field only to discover that Bruin has 46 pounds of cocaine shoved into his rectum. "That would make anyone a little testy," said Agent Vince Marlboro. "And who the hell wants to snort cocaine that was up someone's ass?" he questioned. "But it is a clever way to smuggle cocaine," he admitted.

Bruno was arrested on the spot and will most likely be deported back to Colombia. Fallus through tears said, "What a f***ing mess...we'll just have to go back to a fake furry mascot and forget the live animal shit...I quit."

Raleigh-Durham, NC -- Parachutists from the 101st Airborne dropped in unexpectedly at the Duke University football game on Saturday.

About an hour before kickoff against James Madison, several hundred parachutists landed at midfield at the Wallace Wade stadium according to witnesses. As they landed they immediately began shooting at surprised Duke Blue Devil football fans, who thought the whole episode was an opening game promotion. Duke fan Lindy McDaniel said, "I thought the whole episode was an opening game promotion."

University officials were surprised since they hadn't scheduled a parachute landing. Later Captain Cliff Reynolds of the 101st said, "Obviously we missed our spot." Reynolds said that their plane took off and was supposed to take part in the Normandy invasion on the coast of France, "But I guess we're a little late, huh?"

Duke officials explained to the soldiers that D-Day has been over "for awhile" but that the soldiers were welcomed to stay and watch the game. "It's funny," commented Reynolds, "as I'm coming down I'm saying to myself, hey self, this doesn't look like France." He added, "You know it would be a pretty good opening day promotion to have someone parachute out of a plane and land at the fifty yard line, wouldn't it?"

However all was forgotten about after a brief timeout on the field and Duke got back to business winning their first football game since D-Day.

Not only did Duke win the game but Hitler was defeated and the world was made safe from his Satanic ambitions.

Sacramento, CA -- Californians will go to the polls this November to elect a new president and to vote on Proposition 57 which makes it illegal for dogs to surf.

Governor Arnold Schwarzenaggar promised voters that, "it's time we cracked down on dog surfing because it is pointless." Schwarzenaggar has long lobbied against canines for surfing on California beaches. The GOP governor said that surfing is for blonde guys with good tans or really scantily clad women but "dogs should be leashed at all times and citizens should makes sure they pick up all dog shit with a plastic shopping bag."

Californian PETA spokesperson Mitzi Rottweilberg said, "I like to take my Schnauzer to the beach where he makes his poopie and then rides a few waves and what's wrong with that?"

Schwarzenaggar countered with, "We got an epidemic of dog surfing injuries because these dogs are trying to get up on their hind legs when they surf." He questioned opponents, "And do these dogs have health insurance?...and who has to pick up the pieces?...the Californian taxpayer!"

One dog owner said, "It's damn shame for dogs that they won't be allowed to surf." "Really," he added, "what options does a dog have other than sleep and occasionally hump a leg...surfing keeps them out of trouble."

Fbeifurb, ROMP -- The disappointed citizenry of the the Republic of Mud People will regroup and prepare for the 2012 London Olympics after leaving the 2008 games with no medals.

Not one of the 23 athletes from ROMP placed or even finished an event. Coach Gbawsi Hgeed Dprop said, "We've just got to work harder if we want to finish an event." The Mud People struggled in their specialty track and field events and also were not allowed in any swimming events. Dip Nstic, the anchor of the 4x100 relay squad said, "We've got to run faster than the other athletes because we're covered in mud but we can't run faster because we're covered in mud...does that make sense to you?"

There were several protests that were permitted by the Chinese government that kept the Mud People out of the pool. Chinese deputy premier Shuk Juk Mi emphasized, "It may sound cruel and heartless, but we don't want the Mud People in our swimming pool for the obvious reason that they are Mud People."

The captain of the ROMP Olympic team, Ted Griffin said, "It's really tough being a mud person because no one wants to sit next to you." He continued, "I dream that one day people can look beyond my mud and see I'm a very nice person who is good to his mother but through no fault of my own, was raised by mud people so I'm just a muddy guy." Tearily he added, "I just want a little happiness, is that too much to ask?"

"HBIDGUI, IJDIGS JHBSUFS BISG BHBSI IGUIWPW!" exclaimed this Mud Person and gymnast.

Michael Phelps is arguably the best Olympian of all time. On top of that, he appears to be a nice guy and as an American you have to admire what he did. And he loves his mom, the fact he isn’t Jewish or Italian seems impossible. The diagnosis of ADHD as a kid made total sense though.

What I don’t get, given his success, why can’t he fix the teeth and the ears? How can women be attracted to that? Don’t the ears slow you down? Does he swim so no one can see either one of his features? Or we sure with those teeth that he isn’t British and swam for the wrong team?

Why don’t track athletes make themselves more aerodynamic like swimmers? Beads and waving hair must slow you down if not throw off your cadence. Also, thanks to Usain Bolt, track has become a little bit cool. Bolt has T.O. beat and he is only 21.

Thank you, Eric for your insights. If you have a thought or insight that could change the course of human history, send it to us. We'll cut and paste it because we just learned how to do that. No real technical savvy here.

Daytona Beach, FL -- The LPGA tour announced yesterday that they will create evaluation procedures for its new policy requiring its member golfers "to have at the very least a decent pair of tits and a passable ass."

All players who have been on the tour for two years could be suspended if they fail the evaluation of the breasts and posterior starting at the end of the 2009 season. The decision has sparked controversy among many golf fans but LPGA deputy commissioner Bermuda Schwartz said, "It's absolutely necessary if we're going to succeed as an organization to have players with some nice jugs and tight cheeks."

She explained that "we're in the sport-entertainment business and if you think for a minute than anyone comes to watch golf you're f***ing nuts." Continuing Schwartz said, "We got a lot of wealthy sponsors and frankly that's all we give a shit about and the sponsors aren't going to support a small breasted, big ass woman just cause she drives a ball 275 yards."

Several of the tour players were concerned and voiced questions about the rule. "I have small breasts so how do I make them bigger?" one golfer asked. "I've got an ass the size of Rhode Island, do you think I can get it down to at least the size of Delaware?" asked another. Several Korean golfer said some things but no one could understand Koreans so Schwartz gave them each a plane ticket to Seoul and said, "Get the f*** out here."

Oklahoma City, OK -- The Seattle Super Sonics have now officially moved and will be playing in Oklahoma City and there is an excellent chance that they will no longer be the Super Sonics according to owner Clay Bennett.

"Do you think it would be dumb if I left them with the same name so we can use the old uniforms?" asked Bennett. "After dropping $350 million on this team I'm a little strapped for walking around money," he confessed. Then with a sudden burst of memory, Bennett said, "Hey, we forgot the name the team, let's do that!"

Bennett put out a request on the Internet asking the public to name his new team. Several million people suggested a variety of names with two in particular leading the list. One fan favorite seems to be the "Oklahoma City Bastards Who Left Seattle High And Dry" followed by the plain "Oklahoma City C***suckers." Bennett like the first name a lot but observed, "That's a big name to get on a uniform."

The owner also said he planned to give the team "the coolest uniforms you've ever seen cause I'm making a big splash the first year." Bennett hired fashion designer Frederick Moe to "give me something that makes people stand up and say 'I'd love to live in Oklahoma.'" Moe, who designed the costumes for the musicals "There is No Tooth Fairy" and "Disco Orgy," said, "Oh I'll come up with something and let me assure you, this Oklahoma team will prance like peacocks."

A model shows off a uniform sample for the new un-named team. "All we need is an 'O'", said designer Moe.