JockWeb Friday January 29, 2010
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WORLD CUP CLEAVAGE: AN INTERNATIONAL REVIEW: By popular demand, the Boobies of the World Cup have been moved to another page. See the babes of the World Cup here.

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RUTGERS RUNNING BACK RESTING COMFORTABLY AFTER SURGERY

Piscataway, NJ -- Rutgers running back Jourdan Brooks is said to be expected to make a full recovery after going through an 11-hour surgery to repair a torn dreadlock.

Brooks experienced a traumatic ruptured dreadlock when he was pulled down from behind by Louisville's Travis Norton on a 50-yard run. Norton dove and grabbed a Brooks dreadlock in desperation to stop a touchdown and ripped the dreadlock from the runner's head.

"It was one of the worst injuries that I've ever seen as a football coach," said Rutgers coach Greg Schiano. "If I wasn't so overpaid I wouldn't have believed it." Brooks was airvac-ed to a New Jersey hospital where a team of doctors tried to re-attach the dreadlock.

Dr. Ziggy Morley, a dreadlock specialist, said, "With dreadlock surgery there's always a chance that the body could reject the dreadlock so the next 72 hours are critical." Brooks will most likely be in the hospital for several weeks and then be looking at several months of rehab.

"It's really a shame," added Schiano, "Jourdan worked so hard to be the football player that he is, only to have it taken away in split second but hey, that's football." Doctors are not sure whether or not Brooks will play again. "A dreadlock injury can be career ending," said Morley, "but you can never tell...some athletes have that special something where they can recover from devastating injury."

All that Rutgers fans can do is cross their fingers, bless themselves, and pray to God that the dreadlock with re-attach.

Doctors estimate there are several serious dreadlock injuries a century particularly to lame white people.

NFL'S FIRST 3-D BROADCAST FRIGHTENING

Los Angeles, CA -- The first NFL game broadcasted in 3-D occurred last night but not without some major problems.

"We got to work out the kinks," said director Wes Craven, "but it's just like being on the field." Sadly, last night being on the field meant being on the field with the Oakland Raiders and the San Diego Chargers. "Wow, I could reach out and feel the grease on what's left of Al Davis' hair," said one spectator as he watched with the characteristic 3-D glasses, "and Al Davis is scarier than the ghost in 'House on a Haunted Hill," He added, "I've seen the 'Muppets' movie in 3-D and now the Raiders play and shit, I can't tell the difference."

The NFL has partnered with 3ality Digital LLC to develop a technology that gives television viewers the exact reality of being in the stadium. The theater was equipped with various special effects to accompany the telecast, creating a live experience. At one point Norv Turner spit and a spray was released from the seats into the spectators faces giving the exact feeling of Norv Turner spitting in your face. "Wow!" said another fan, "if felt exactly like Norv Turner spit on me."

Fans immediately got into the experience, albeit too aggressively. Several cheerleaders at the game complained that felt they were being "groped" throughout the telecast. "Each seat in the theater is equipped with inflated water balloons allowing fans to interact with the screen and yes, there was a ton of inappropriate touching going on," admitted NFL commissioner Roger Goodell. "In fact, several players made the same groping complaints," he added. "But that just goes to show you where television viewing is going in the future," he proudly stated.

So put on a pair of 3-D glasses and scratch Brett Favre's ass.

Just imagine watching Wade Phillip's man-boobs in 3-D. It's coming!

ND LETS WEIS STAY BUT RE-DOES CONTRACT

South Bend, IN -- The University of Notre Dame announced yesterday to the disappointment of millions of their hardcore fans that Charlie Weis would remain as head coach of football team.

Weis, who is in the fourth year of a ten year contract, is coming off a disappointing 6-6 season and a considerable thrashing by rival USC. "Yes, but I'm Charlie Weis," said Weis, "and it doesn't matter what our record is, I won a Super Bowl as an assistant coach in New England."

However Notre Dame did make Weis re-negotiate his very fat contract. Weis' contract was restructured and next year he will receive one-half of his compensation in "Subway" coupons. Notre Dame believes with Subway, they're will be less than 9 grams of fat in the contract. ND athletic director Jack Swarbrick said, "And Charlie will have 'all you can eat' privileges at Subway where he can eat and eat fresh and eat a ton."

The elated Weis celebrated his new contract by scarfing down the entire product line of the South Bend franchise. "I'm so happy I'm going to have my stomach unstapled," he joked. "I'll return ND to national prominence right after I get through eating this store," promised the mouth stuffed Weis. Franchise owner Shahem Govindrumadasudan said, "Oh, that Charlie Weis very guud coach... go Irish!"

There's a Charlie Weis joke here somewhere but it's just too early in the morning to think of one.

PHELPS GATHERS TWO MORE HONORS IN THE SAME DAY

Baltimore, MD -- Olympic swimming hero Michael Phelps added two more trophies to his already stuffed closet yesterday when he was simultaneously named Sports Illustrated's "Sportsman of the Year," and Fed Ex's "Package of the Year."

"I'm thrilled for both awards," said Phelps. "I work hard on my swimming and my package," said Phelps. Phelps appears on this week's SI cover and said that it was a great week since both he and his girlfriend, Caroline "Caz" Pal have now both been on magazine covers. Pal, the swimmer's new heart-throb and sometime cocktail waitress, has posed in several naughty adult poses and publications. "If she can leave her clothes on, maybe we can get back to back SI covers," promised Phelps.

A spokesperson for FedEx said, "We deliver a lot of packages but none as special as Michael Phelps...we are honored to be honoring Michael's package...no question, he's gifted alright." "Wow," exclaimed Broadway actor Harvey Firestein, "you'd think that package would slow him down in the water but I guess is just acts a rudder keeping him swimming straight...wow is he ever gifted!" Singer, songwriter Elton John announced that he would officially stop using UPS for all his courier needs and switch to Fed Ex. "I've got the tighest ship in the shipping business," exclaimed Sir Elton, "and I'd be home port for any 'Sportsman of the Year.'...wow is he ever gifted."

Genetics? Who ever said life was fair?

COMPANY OFFERS DNA TEST FOR SPORTS GENES

Boulder, CO -- A Colorado company is marketing a genetic test that they claim can predict the athletic prowess of your child.

Atlas Sports Genetics say that for a $149, you can have your child tested for the ACTN3 gene, which sits somewhere on the 11th chromosome. A spokesperson for Atlas said that parents can get the jump on the competition and make premature giant steps to athletic success if they plop down the $149 for the test.

The parental response to the product has been enormous with over two million kids sold in the past month. But the downside is that many critics say the test may not be entirely foolproof. Mr. Richard Simmons Sr. explained that he purchased one of the earlier kits and tried making his son the middle linebacker for the Chicago Bears. "Richard just didn't fare well as a middle linebacker," said Simmons referring to his son Richard Jr., now an exercise and diet guru. "I'd like my f***ing money back," said the elder Simmons.

Dr. Ted Hendriks, a DNA expert and author of the book, "I Can Predict An Asshole From A Mile Away," said, "I've got a test that looks at the so-called 'dickhead' gene located on the very first chromosome." "For ten bucks I can look at the parents and tell you if the child will grow up to be a dickhead," said Hendricks.

Hendricks added that there was a high correlation between parents who might spend the $149 to determine the athletic potential of their child and parents who are just "major assholes."

.Somewhere, someday, there's a fifty percent chance this kid will be an asshole or have really, really great jugs.

PLAXICO BURRESS QUAIL HUNTS WITH VP; HUNDREDS FEARED INJURED

New York, NY -- New York Giants wide receiver Plaxico Burress accidentally shot several hundred people outside of a nightclub while hunting with Vice-President Dick Cheney.

Burress was allegedly quail hunting with the VP when his gun went off and fired over 500 rounds at bystanders on the street. Later Burress admitted that, "I was disappointed we got no quail but it was really great to be with the Vice-President." Police and emergency personnel rushed to the scene which was described by witnesses as "doomsday carnage."

Police spokesperson Sgt. Dan O'Herily said, "Quail hunting in New York City is just a bad idea because there aren't any quail and I suggest that the next time VP Cheney and Plaxico want to hunt they go after the infamous and equally crafty New York rat."

Cheney told reporters later, "Plaxico sort rhymes with Texaco so maybe we oughta give him some government money." "And I'll tell you another thing," added Cheney, "I wish the hell Plax would just smack around that Tom Coughlin guy."

Speaking of Plax, you really oughta try this stuff...really a smart part of an overall good dental plan.

INDY 500 TO USE SUGARCANE FUEL

Indianapolis, IN -- The Indianapolis 500 motor race announced this week that cars for the event will be fueled with Brazilian ethanol made from sugarcane as opposed to U.S. ethanol produced from corn.

The decision has sparked a angry response from the U.S. Renewable Fuels Association. Association boss Bob Dinneen said, "The decision to bypass the more than 180 biorefineries across our country in favor of a tanker ship from Sao Paulo to be the official supplier of fuel for the Indy 500 is an affront to America's farmers who have worked to enhance economic opportunities for rural communties and all Americans who have fought and are fighting for our energy independence and this could be the longest continual sentence without a period but I think I'll stop catch my breath and continue saying that at a time when the US economy is faltering and America is seeking to maximize ethanol use, your decision to engage Brazilian ethanol producers is even more perplexing unless of course the decision is based on fact that Brazilian women are the friggin' hottest bitches on the planet..."

Indy officials responded to the protest by explaining "sugar based ethanol just tastes better." Race officials say sugar ethanol is a efficient fuel but also mixes well with tonic water or ginger ale. "A little sugar ethanol on the rocks or straight up will knock your f***ing socks off," said race spokesperson Harvey Wallhanger, "but be forewarned, if you fart, you can fly to the next county and all the hair on your ass gets burnt."

Which would you prefer? Ethanol from corn or ethanol from Brazil?

HIGH SCHOOL B-BALL COACH ACCUSED OF "RACIAL PROFILING"

Danville, IL - Several members of the black community have accused the coach of the Danville boys basketball team of racial profiling for cutting at least eight black players from an all-black team.

Parents and community leaders are up in arms claiming that Tidwell's team selection is an obvious case of racial bias where black players were cut from a team while all of the players making a team were black.

Community members are organizing a protest to attempt to remove white coach Gary Tidwell from the head coaching job. "Why is it that that all the players that were cut were black and all the players who made the team were black...we want answers or there's going to be lots of trouble."

Tidwell denies that race was a consideration saying, "It just so happens that the kids I cut were black and the kids I picked were black and I'm sorry that it's a genetic fact that black people are cut out for basketball while black people are just gifted in the sport of basketball."

"It's just another example of how black people get poor treatment while black people get preferential treatment," said Pastor Pat Robertson. "Heads are going to roll," promised Robertson, "because black folks are not going to sit by while he picks an all-black team." Tidwell defended himself saying, "Look, I'm sorry to be the one to say it but when it comes to basketball, black people just don't get it while on the other hand, black people just get it."

More privileged black athletes getting opportunity while black people are forced to watch from the sidelines.

MODERN PENTATHLON CUT FROM 5 TO 4 EVENTS

Monte Carlo, Monaco -- The modern pentathlon has been cut from five events to four to save time at the Olympics.

The International Modern Pentathlon Union met on Wednesday and announced, "We're as surprised as anyone that there is actually a International Modern Pentathlon Union." Three guys named Sven, Lars, and Gooky met for two minutes yesterday and decided that they could combine two events and really speed things up.

Another guy named Klaus said, "We ought to combine the shooting part with the running part," and with that the committee created the "Rob 7-11" event where participants will try to rob a convenience store with a gun and get away in record time before the cops get there." He added, "That's going to create some real fan interest, don't you think?" Klaus asked.

For years no one has been interested in the pentathlon and the committee said yesterday, "Let's keep it that way and in fact let's try and get rid of the other four events and stay home and watch porn while drinking Greek whiskey," said Gooky.

"Just try not calling me or forgetting my name!"

"BUTT CRACK" STRATEGY PAYING OFF FOR WOMEN'S TRACK

Stockholm, Sweden -- The very deliberate "Butt Crack" strategy concocted by the World Track and Field Federation has paid off substantially according to a recently released report.

Historically, women's track has been compared to "watching Chinese launder shirts" but recently the sport has catapulted to the number one spectator sport in the world. "Yep, it's the butt thing for sure," said Dr. Johann Shitzfelder, author of the strategy. Shitzfelder explained the origin of the strategy saying, "We postulated that the average fan would enjoy the track and field experience IF there was a little more ass showing."

"It was pure genius," said longtime track and field coach Tad Ughlie. "The numbers of female track fans are up and I can only say the difference is in seeing more ass." Spectator Hank Diddley said, "Let me ask you a perfectly legitimate question, do you prefer watching a woman running around in baggy shorts that reveal nothing or shorts that disappear into a cavernous butt? Enough said."

Experts believe it's only a matter of time until other sports follow suit. "Let's totally revisit our uniforms," said WNBA head David Stern, "because frankly, my imagination is running wild with thoughts of the entire Detroit Shock playing in thongs."

Let's give thanks for the light bulb going off in the track world.

BONDS GIVING 'ROIDS TO DEER?

Sherwood Forest, CA -- Law enforcement officials finally were able to catch Barry Bonds with the performance enhancement goods after what has been an eternity.

Bonds is alleged to have injected deer with performance enhancing substances in particular human growth hormone. Hunters reported seeing Bonds hanging around a lot of herds lately "just mulling around, talking to deer." Bonds denied yesterday that his relationship with deer was anything other than just friendly banter.

"Everyone knows I hate people and deer seem to understand me," said Bonds. After sitting out last baseball season, Bonds said he decided to "go live with the deer and get my life back in order." Bonds has been traveling and communing with a herd of about 50 deer for the last six months. "We just basically forage around, picking up some foilage here and there...it relaxed me," explained Bonds. "They like me and understand me," he added.

However, law enforcement officials suspect there is more to the relationship than Bonds is admitting. "We believe Barry is trading friendship for steroids with his new deer buddies," said Senator George Mitchell. "I think it's time to form a new congressional committee to look into this," Mitchell promised. Mitchell theorizes that, "It makes sense that Barry would inject the deer, making them huge, and then shoot them and get a few extra meals out of the hunt."

Bonds poses with a new friend.

THUNDER FIRE CARLESIMO; MAYHEM ENSUES

Oklahoma City, OK -- The Oklahoma City Thunder fired head coach P.J. Carlesimo after a uninspiring 1-12 start.

Thunder management told Carlesimo after Friday night's home loss to the New Orleans Hornets that he was being replaced by assistant Scott Brooks. Carlesimo was said not to take the news too well and immediately began choking Brooks. The team was scheduled to fly out of Oklahoma City immediately following the game. Carlesimo followed the team to the airport screaming, "I'm still the coach you dirty bastards," but the team and officials boarded the plane and locked out Carlesimo.

Airport security was called and several officers tried calming the angry Carlesimo. Carlesimo took several hostages and locked them in a terminal men's room and began choking everyone. After several hours of tense negotiations, police finally called in hostage negotiator Latrell Sprewell. Sprewell was able to "choke some sense" into Carlesimo and eventually the hostages were released. Hundreds of other people lined up to choke Carlesimo including the entire Thunder team and several really irate Seattle Super Sonic fans.

Afterwards the hostages were given complimentary tickets to a future Thunder game for their troubles but all refused to accept them. Immediately following the incident, Sprewell asked for a $5 million dollar raise because he said, "I can't feed my family on what they pay a hostage negotiator."

Even small children want to choke P.J. Carlesimo.

OFFICIALS INVESTIGATE SCOREBOARD TAMPERING AT TEXAS TECH

Lubbock, TX -- The Texas Tech basketball program opened their season with a lopsided 167-116 over East Central Oklahoma State.

The large amount of points scored made officials suspicious that there may have been more going on than met the eye. Official Larry Doowap said, "I swear to God they were counting by fours." One Texas Tech player was credited with 5 6-pointers but defended himself by explaining, "I was shooting from the other end of court."

Later it was discovered that the scorekeeper has a nervous tic in his right hand and hit the points button at random for the entire game. Scorekeeper Lanny Frigget admitted, "Hey I'm a nervous guy and I gave up drinking and that makes me shake a lot." He told officials, "I take medication for the DT's but I ran out and on top of that, my wife is cheating with my best friend Luther." "Yes," he said, "I was shakin' real bad and yes I was hitting that button sometimes 7, 8 times after a basket," he continued. "So probably the real score was something like 48-22 but who cares, it was East Central Oklahoma State, and who the hell ever scheduled them?"

Texas Tech coach Bob Knight Jr. said, "Lanny Frigget is an asset to any basketball program and I hope to have him at courtside when we take on West Southeastern Sort of Central Near The Middle Over Kind of North Just A Shade Texas State University on Saturday."

As a public service, we like to see if any of this DT stuff applies to you. You could have a career as a scoreboard keeper.

LIONS CONFIDENT THEY CAN RUN THE TABLE

Detroit, MI -- Detroit Lions head coach Rob Marinelli said yesterday that he truly believed that his team "could run the table and finish with a perfect season."

Marinelli said that he was confident after looking at film yesterday, "that we've got the players to get the job done and we're peaking at just the right time." "We're in the right frame of mind and we're playing loose," added Marinelli.

The Lions are shooting for a perfect 0-16 record and they are being mentioned in the same breath as the 1976 0-14 Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Detroit Lions quarterback Dante Culpepper said, "It's really not fair to compare the two teams because football has changed so much since then...they had orange uniforms and we have blue so right there you can see that 0-16 means that we played two more games than and 0-14 team so that means we've really got the record."

Marinelli added that he was concerned that his team could lose focus. "When you're 0-10 there's a tendency to let up and relax so we've been telling our players all week that this is the NFL and you can't let up if you're going for a record." Culpepper said that he couldn't believe his good fortune after coming out of retirement to get a second chance with the Lions. Culpepper went on, "A few weeks ago I was cleaning the bathroom in my house and now I'm quarterbacking the Lions...is there a metaphor here somewhere?"

Why-o-why did Tampa Bay ever get rid of these uniforms?

COLLEGE ATHLETES RUSH TO "ELIGIBILITY" MAJOR

Bloomer, KS -- College athletes are flocking by the thousands to a major in "Eligibility".

Eligibility is a relatively new academic field and researchers and academicians are just scratching the surface of the subject, but college athletes seemed "hell bent" on making it there chosen vocation. "I really like it," said Alabama defensive tackle Jim Ray Bobble. "It makes you eligible," he added. "Can you tell how eligible I sound?" he asked.

Higher education experts worry that the flood of majors could result in a glut of "eligible" majors in the market place. "We're looking at a real glut of 'Eligibility' majors graduating in the next few years," said economist Paul Samuelson. "And," he added, "I worry about the economy's ability to absorb them since it looks like we're just totally f***ed economically speaking."

However longtime Professor of "Eligibility", Dr. Louis R. Saban commented, "Eligibility majors are equipped to do a lot more because of their training and therefore are an attractive hire to many employers." Saban pointed out that, "our students face overwhelming academic rigor with courses like 'The History of Eligibilty', 'The Psychology of Eligibility in Ancient Greece', and 'The Statistics of Eligibility'." "Our students come out of college prepared for eligibility," emphasized Saban.

One student-athlete commented, "I'm eligible but I can't seem to find a woman who wants me."

Former USC standout Matt Leinert majored in "Eligibility" and said, "Look how well it served me."

MASCOT TRIES TO PICK UP PIECES OF HIS LIFE

Champaign, IL -- Chief Illiniwek was the mascot and official symbol of the University of Illionois from 1926 until 2007 until the NCAA termed his image, "hostile and abusive," and banned the University from continuing the tradition.

This act left Chief Illiniwek without a job, purpose, or a means to support his family. "I was left out in the cold," said Chief Illiniwek, a white guy dressed in Sioux Indian regalia. "Of course I hoot and holler and perform rituals that perpetuate negative stereotypes of native Americans but isn't that just clean fun?" He sadly asked, "And how do I fill up my Saturdays during football season? And I won't even mention the $483 I've got invested in the costume."

The Chief has been under treatment from a local psychiatrist for the past year where he says, "I'm just trying to make sense of my life again." Dr. Don Runninbull commented, "He just has to learn that you can't make a living with an insulting impersonation of a large cultural group without at least spending some decent money in a reservation casino."

Illiniwek has tried recovering some of his self-esteem and income by renting himself out for bachelorette parties. "I do this strip thing where I ride a horse around the room for several minutes scaring the shit out of everyone, then I dismount, dance a war chant while stripping down do just a thin g-string of bison fur and ...let me tell you, the women love it." He explained further, "It's not dancing on the 50-yard line mind you, but it's still a damn good rush."

For a $150, Chief Illiniwek will take it down to just his scantily clad peace pipe.

ALBERT PULLHOOLZ WINS BASEBALL MVP

St. Louis, MI -- The Baseball Writers of America announced yesterday that St. Louis Cardinal slugger Albert Pullhoolz finished first in the balloting for Major League Baseball's coveted MVP award.

Pullhoolz, formerly Albert Pujols, edged out Philadelphia Phillies' first baseman Ryan Howard for the top spot. "I thought my numbers were good," said Pullhoolz, "but his numbers were awesome...and his team won the World Series so basically Ryan Howard is getting the screw job but truthfully I don't care because in this world it's dog eat dog and the only thing that's important is finishing first and it's tough shit for everyone else."

The 2008 MVP added that he hoped that his new phonetically spelled name "will make a difference for this country." "The Slugger Formerly Known As Pujols" said, "If one more person called me Pulljewels or Pulljaws or Pullhouse I was seriously going to just start shooting but I'm hoping this new Pullhoolz thing is going to set people straight."

Jewelio Franko, the oldest player in the major leagues at 61 said, "Hey, I like this phonetic spelling...I think I'll call up my old friend Hosay Gonsallys."

Even the all-time MVP of everything jumped on the bandwagon and said, "Call me Heyseuss!"

EAGLES' McNABB DUMBFOUNDED BY TIE

Cincinnati, OH -- It took stadium officials two hours after the Eagles-Bengals game to get quarterback Donovan McNabb to leave the field.

McNabb, who was miffed that the game ended in a tie, challenged the Bengals to keep playing. "Come on, you guys, we can't end the game in a tie, that would be just plain dumb," screamed McNabb to the departing Bengals players. When stadium security tried to move McNabb along, he became irate and planted himself at midfield.

"What do you mean that a game can end in a tie?" screamed McNabb. "IF someone would have be kind enough to tell me, maybe I wouldn't look so foolish standing here waiting for a second overtime," he spoke through teary eyes.

"Donovan is a little naive," said head coach Andy Reid, "and I have to do a better job getting him in a position where he understands that when you have 13 points and the other team has 13 points and they suck that basically you tied a last place f***ing team." "I take full responsibility that Don doesn't know about tie football games," followed Reid. In his press conference Reid continued, "I promise this week we're going to watch film together and he's going to learn about ties and then, where babies come from and that there are some people in this world who are mean and cruel and that there is a thing called the devil and he's at work all the time and I'm going to tell him about snake oil salesmen too because lots of times people like Donovan can be taken by unethical salespeople, like one time, he was unaware of the consequences of a 'zero money down' mortgage and we know where that kind of bad lending has gotten us but I promise, next week he's going to know about ties."

Reid said that he would start his "where babies come from" talk with some easy examples that Donovan could understand and then move to the advanced stuff.

MIKE VICK ENGAGED AFTER DECLARING BANKRUPTCY

Richmond, VA -- Attorneys for Mick Vick filed for bankruptcy yesterday after doing the math on his debts and assets.

Lead attorney Rich Panama explained, "Wow, $16 mil in stuff he owns and $20 mil he owes for pot and dog food." Panama promised that all petty drug dealers and all dog bettors will be paid in full and said, "You've got Mike's word on it."

Vick's sentence is beginning to wind down and now talk is beginning to focus his return to the NFL. Teams are lining up to welcome him back with Falcons owner Arthur Blank leading the charge. Blank said, Mike's return will make the 'Prodigal Son' story in the Old Testament look like a Wes Craven movie."

Prison officials say that Vick is completely 100% government certified "rehabilitated." "He's even engaged to a guy named Julio," said Warden Jed Ipeed. Vick said that he must play football again now that he is engaged. "I've got a family to think about and I want to be responsible, said Vick. On his prison experience he commented, "I met so many nice fellas who I became very close to...so many men and so little time."

LIONS APPEAL FOR FEMA AID

Detroit, MI --The Detroit Lions made an urgent appeal the U.S. Federal Government to declare the city of Detroit a "disaster area" and immediately pump funds into the sagging franchise.

"We want to get our hands on some of that $750 billion of bailout money," said Detroit coach Rob Marinelli. Marinelli used a bad pun to describe his horrific team saying, "We've had a flood of bad players for years and we can't turn it around without help from the Feds."

FEMA officials promised that they would "think it over for a few days, get really disorganized, and then try our best to react in a chaotic, ineffectual manner." Marinelli immediately responded, "That's why I love those guys at FEMA cause it's just like coaching the Lions."

Former Lions president Matt Millen offered to return to help the team sink lower. "I think if I came back, the argument for disaster relief just gets stronger," said Millen. "But truthfully," added Millen, "at the moment I'm working hard to turn the auto industry around and after that I want to get started on the economy."

Treasury secretary Henry Paulson said, "It would be great to have someone like Matt Millen around could only make me look like I really know what I'm doing."

Government officials are forcing Detroiters to watch the Lions but promise food and water in exchange.

SOCCER DESTROYING THE PLANET

London, England -- Environmental groups around the world are calling for the end of soccer because of the huge negative impact the sport has on the planet.

The floodlights, corporate boxes, and big screens at sports stadiums suck so much power that the sport now leaves one of the biggest carbon footprints of any human activity. The worst offense is the giant lighting rig technology that soccer stadiums across Europe use to promote grass growth. Critics also cite, "In addition, the game just sucks the life out anyone who watches it."

Environmental activist Julian Fryes said, "The entire survival of the species may just hinge on eliminating soccer as a human activity." Fryes explained, "Nothing in the history of mankind even comes close to the environmental challenge that soccer poses." Fryes said that he understands the impracticality of stopping the sport "cold turkey." "Yes, if we suddenly stop the sport, many would die...but as a species do we want to be dragged down by these soccer folks?"

Sociologist Max Weber Grill commented, "I think if we just eliminate the soccer mom type, the species could recover." Grill said that, "Soccer mothering has a huge negative environmental impact on fertility." "IF you have one of these moms that is obsessed with a game with absolute no scoring, then we can fairly conclude that someone else is not getting laid too often," theorized Grill. "Eliminate soccer, watch humans flourish," he promised.

Eliminating soccer mothering will leave more time for these really fun fertility rituals.

PARROT SAVES TODDLER; HIRED BY EAGLES

Philadelphia, PA -- A Quaker parrot in Denver, Colorado saved the life of a choking toddler and afterwards was immediately offered a job by the Philadelphia Eagles football team.

Willie the parrot repeated the words "mama baby" over and over alerting the toddler's slumbering caregiver to wake up and perform the "heimlich maneuver" on the child who was gagging on a pop tart.

Eagles owner Jeffrey Lurie contacted the parrot's agent and immediately a deal was worked out bringing the parrot to Philadelphia to help with the teams lackluster drive to the postseason. "If the parrot can just stand on the sidelines screaming 'mama baby' over and over maybe Donovan McNabb will wake up and stop choking," explained Lurie.

Coach Andy Reid, a large man himself, said, "It's great to have the parrot on board cause I love my Pop-Tarts and I eat'em whole and once in awhile they get stuck in my gullet but I'm a little too large to perform the heimlich thing, you might want to get some heavy machinery or something."

Willie was at his first practice yesterday and he managed his first words as a Philadelphia Eagle, "booooo" and "wow they suck."

Pamela Anderson once choked on a Pop Tart and there were no shortage of volunteers standing by to perform the Heimlich Maneuver.

NCAA CRACKS DOWN ON HAWAII FOOTBALL

Honolulu, Hawaii -- After a series of complaints against the University of Hawaii football program, the NCAA announced yesterday that they will take action against the school unless the team starts obeying the rules of football.

"First of all," said director of rules enforcement Clyde S. Dale, "they've got to wear uniforms for chrissakes." The entire offensive and defensive lines play bare-chested and refuse to wear padding. "We're the Rainbow Warriors damnit," said tackle Keonu Takuluku, "and you gotta admit we look pretty damn scary."

Several of the players step onto the field equipped with spears which opposing coaches complain "there hasn't been one penalty for spearing all year." Dale said that a 15-yard spearing penalties will be enforced in the coming weeks. Over 78 opposing players have been speared by Hawaii players this year resulting in the deaths of 42 players. One visiting coach said, "You can't believe how many empty seats we had on the plane ride home."

Dale added, "We'll see if the penalties help with the spearing issue but we might have to consider taking their spears away in the future."

You gotta admit, these Hawaii dudes are friggin' scary looking.

JOCKWEB INVESTIGATION YIELDS NOTHING

Jockweb, HQ -- A three-week long investigation by Jockweb's investigative journalist Fred Collingdale revealed nothing.

Collingdale, a 28-year Jockweb veteran, trailed several women for several weeks at the cost of several thousand dollars and has several people in the office severely pissed. "I'm sorry to say, I found nothing," said a dejected Collingdale. Collingdale, who has never won a Pulitzer prize or any other journalistic award admitted being soured on investigative journalism.

"You really have to dig deep to find stuff," remarked Collingdale, "and you really have to have some idea of what you are doing." Collingdale admitted, "All I really had to go on was some women that were painted and I never really did find out why they were painted."

Jockweb CEO Shecky Sheckstein said that he was disappointed that the investigation came up empty but "that's what happens most days in life, you come up empty but nonetheless I'm firing Fred because he's a moron." The philosophical global entrepreneur added, "I just hope we at Jockweb are making a difference in the lives of our readers."

Collingdale never figured out what this was all about but he managed to get a date with the woman in the middle. Collingdale reported that the date went well and they will marry shortly.

FLORIDA FAN GETS SHOT WITH GATORS

Gainesville, FL -- University of Florida head football coach Urban Meyer announced that fan Veronica Hairston will line up at defensive tackle this week after proving her football worth last Saturday during Georgia-Florida showdown.

Police officers arrested Hairston last week and charged her with domestic battery for biting her husband. She was taunting her husband, a Georgia fan, in a Florida motel room when Florida took a commanding lead over Georgia. Her husband tiring of the abuse decided to leave the hotel room. As he tried to leave Hairston bit him and punched him several times in the face.

Upon hearing the story, Meyer immediately recruited Hairston to reinforced his D-line. "Veronica Hairston proved that she's a real 'Gator' and she's demonstrated real leadership and spirit...I want her on my team," said Meyer. "And," he added, "we've got lots of convicted felons on our team so Veronica will feel right at home."

Hairston announced later that she would be divorcing her husband this coming week. Not only was she contacted by Florida coaches to play football, announcer Marv Albert invited her out to dinner. Albert said, "I want Veronica Hairston on my team, too!" Albert, notorious for his affinity for rough sexual play, added, "She's a Georgia Peach with the hide of a Florida Gator and I love her!"

That Marv Albert biting story just never gets old.

HOLE-IN-ONE INSURANCE CRISIS REACHES CRITICAL STAGE

Washington, DC -- Congressional leaders met in an emergency session yesterday to discuss the collapse of the "hole-in-one" insurance industry.

Country clubs across the country are panicking in light that there may be no money to cover drinks in the event of a "hole-in-one." Hundreds of insurance companies wrote cheap "hole-in-one" policies and now may not have the funds to pay out on claims without a government bail-out.

"It's a dire situation," said 90-year-old Senator Robert Byrd of West Virginia, "and I'm talking about my teeth...where the f*** are my teeth?"

An Illinois amateur golfer had a hole-in-one last week and when he went to buy drinks for 7,423 moochers, who were hanging out trying to cop anything free, found out his insurance company was bankrupt and could not cover the bar tab. The young man, Ben Honkey said immediately exclaimed, "What hole-in-one? I didn't have a hole-in-one, I suck at golf."

"This hole-in-one insurance thing is going to be a priority in my administration," said President-elect Barack Obama. "Hole-in-one insurance is a right for all Americans and I pledge that no citizen will go to bed at night without the security knowing they are covered in the event of a hole-in-one." Former presidential candidate and New York Senator Hilary Clinton promised a full-investigation into charges that insurance companies wrote insurance thinking no one actually ever gets a hole-in-one but only lies about it. "I promise you, heads are going to roll," said an angry Clinton. "Americans have to know that if you do get a hole-in-one, that there is an insurance company standing there ready to buy drinks in the clubhouse," she promised.

Point of insurance law: You are not covered by insurance for bear attacks on a golf course. You need to know this shit.

JERRY JONES LOOKS TO RYAN LEAF FOR HELP

Irving, TX -- Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones thinks he knows just what the ailing Dallas Cowboys need to turn their sinking season around.

"Besides throwing T.O. out of a plane at 30,000 feet without a parachute, I think we need some help at quarterback," said Jones. Jones spoke after finding out the former quarterback Ryan Leaf took a leave of absence from his coaching job at West Texas A&M where he coaches football and golf.

Leaf reminded reporters, "That's West Texas A&M not Texas A&M...West Texas A&M...I don't want anyone to get the impression that my career is on the upswing." West Texas A&M officials breathed a sigh of relief when Leaf agreed to a leave. "For some reason our quarterbacks are dumber, slower, and just plain awful under Ryan's tutelage," said coach Grant Ulysses.

Jones believes that bringing back Ryan Leaf can only help the confidence of current QB Brad Johnson. "I believe if the players see how bad Ryan Leaf is, they're going to really appreciate Brad Johnson," said the confident Jones, "and I'm always right, right?"

Leaf said, "You think I was bad in Dallas, you should see me now after a few years of drugs, alcohol, and depraved women...I'm like the John Daly of West Texas."

Jones added, "While we at it, let's bring back the Boz too!"

TENNESSEE LOOKS TO PEACE CORPS FOR COACH

Knoxville, TN -- The University of Tennessee announced on Monday the forced resignation of head football coach Phillip Fulmer.

Fulmer, a longtime Tennessee Volunteer former player, assistant coach and then head coach, said, "I'm just happy to be getting out of this job cause I hate the color orange and all I ever get to wear is orange this and that." "And," he added, "After 18 seasons, I'm tired of not getting paid."

The fired coach revealed what many have secretly known for a long time. The Tennessee job is a Volunteer position. "That's right," said Fulmer, "it's Volunteer work, which is okay for a year or two when you get out of college but I can't take care of my family Volunteering."

Several high profile coaches have rejected Tennessee's overtures to take the job over. South Carolina coach Steve Spurrier said, "Hell no, I ain't Volunteering." UNC Tar Heels coach Butch Davis said holding his crotch, "I make like 2 mil a year, Volunteer this assholes."

University officials yesterday told reporters that they have several great candidates from the Peace Corps. "Let me tell you," said AD Pelvis Nessley, "where would you rather Volunteer, Tennessee or Zimbabwe?...Enough said." 250 recent college grads have applied for the Volunteer job because as one student put it, "The economy sucks, I can't get a job, and I could probably do a lot of good in Tennessee."

Did you know that JFK started the Peace Corps in 1963? It's been a terrific program and has developed a ton of good football coaches.

"GLUEGATE" IS LATEST NFL SCANDAL

Tampa Bay, FL -- Halfway into the NFL's 2008 season, commissioner Roger Goodall is saddled with another controversy.

On the heels of last season's "Spygate" involving the New England Patriots video cheating, comes this year's "Gluegate." Coaches around the league have alleged that Tampa Bay coach Jon Gruden has instructed his receivers to use "Crazy Glue" on strategic targets on their bodies.

Midway through the season Tampa Bay quarterbacks are completing an amazing 200% of their passes. Quarterback Jeff Garcia said he was feeling very good about his receivers this year and agrees that "Crazy Glue is the damn best shit on the market." Garcia explained that, "just weeks ago, I dropped a rare 17th Century vase that was once held by Louis XIV and just a drop or two of Crazy Glue, patched it up like new."

Receivers are accused of putting the glue all over their bodies, including their helmets. Garcia did admit, "You have to careful grabbing ass in the locker room or your hand may get stuck on someone's butt and then you've got some explaining to do."

Look at the pinpoint precision adhesion you can get with "Crazy Glue." For a good time, put a few dabs on your fingers and stop in a local "Hooters."

CUBS BRING KLIPPSTEIN OUT OF RETIREMENT

Chicago, IL -- The Chicago Cubs announced yesterday the former pitcher Johnny Klippstein will most likely be in the 2009 rotation.

Klippstein, a member of the 1950 Cubs team that went 64-89, said he looked forward to getting back on the mound. Klippstein, now 84-years-old threw half of a pitch before tiring but added that "come spring if I'm still here I'll bring my stuff to Florida...like my teeth and and the stuff the doctor gave me for gas."

Manager Lou Pinella said, "Don't be fooled by Klippstein's age...you saw what the Phillies got out of Jamie Moyer this year." Immediately Klippstein began packing for spring training. "He used to have the best spitter in the game but now it's just sort of a drool pitch," promised Pinella.

"Truthfully," said Klippstein, "I look forward to getting back to the ball park, being with the guys in the locker room, and having a great ball park hot dog... but you might have to put the hot dog in a blender." With that Klippstein shuffled off and forgot his glove and pants.

Don't write off Johnny Klippstein for a minute. "A minute is a long-time," said Klippstein.

JOCKWEB HALLOWEEN PARTY ROUSING SUCCESS

Jockweb HQ -- The 75th annual Jockweb Halloween Party went off without a hitch and once again proved to be the place to be on Trick or Treat night.

Thousands of happy costume wearers showed up and were treated to cider spiked with acid and peanut butter cups stuffed with hashish. "If you're someone who hates Halloween like me," said Isiah Thomas, former New York Knicks coach, "you could do a lot worse than a Sheckstein party." Thomas dressed like Larry Brown stopped into the party for three minutes and in characteristic Brown style, announced that he had 32 more parties to visit and only could stay a short while. "I get restless if I stay in one place too long," he said as he scarfed down several Reeses.

Liza Minnelli came to the party dressed as her father, famed filmed director Vincent Minnelli but no one care. Likewise Tom Cruise came as scientologist founder L. Ron Hubbard and then predicted the end of the world and that guest should immediately get on a space ship and go to another planet.

Famous Beatle John Lennon did not come to the party and the disappointed Sheckstein asked, "Do you think he blew us off cause he's dead?" Former President Bill Clinton visited just long enough to pick up a 16-year-old bus girl and told people ""Believe it or not, I'm dressed like Kobe Bryant."

First place went to Scotland's rugby legend Dergas MacSnuff, who came as a new born exiting the birth canal. "Wow," said Sheckstein as he handed over the $3.87 first prize money to MacSnuff, "I was fooled until I saw your beard and long hair and then I knew it was just a costume."

MacSnugg shown here exiting his mother. His mother said, "Everything was fine until I got to Dergas' shoulders.

CHINA HAD DOSSIER ON AMERICAN ATHLETES

Washington, D.C. -- The Chinese government formed a list before last summer's Olympic games of American athletes who it thought might cause problems in Beijing.

The U.S. State Department knew about China's concerns and obtained the ultra secret copy of the list before the games begin. The names of the Americans that the Chinese were afraid of, surprised many.

Topping the list was O.J. Simpson. A State Department spokesperson said that O. J. on the top of the list was not surprising. "We believe that the Chinese feared what O.J. could do walking around Beijing for a few days," he explained. Following O.J., the Chinese warned their citizens about Michael Vick.

Chinese officials warned their citizens that "in the event Michael Vick shows up, either hide your dog or eat it." This directive turned out to be false since Vick was in jail but nonetheless over 7 million dogs were saute-ed, deep fried, and flame broiled. Other athletes the Chinese feared were Larry Johnson of the Kansas City Chiefs, Marcus Vick, Koran Robinson, Jose Canseco, Roger Clemens, Dale Sveum and Lance Armstrong.

A Chinese official said Armstrong made the list because, "Confucius say 'Man with one ball probably not in good humor'."

That Confucius guy had something to say on everything.

NINERS' COACH SINGLETARY DROPS PANTS; NOW A FAN FAVORITE

San Francisco, CA -- San Francisco 49ers interim coach Mike Singletary dropped his pants during a halftime speech at Sunday's game against the Seattle Seahawks.

"I used my pants to illustrate that we were getting our tails whipped...I needed to do something to dramatize my point," explained Singletary later.

As a result of the action, San Francisco fans are calling on Niners' management to promote Singletary from interim to full-time head coach. Longtime season ticket holder Felix Lapoh said, "This is San Francisco and we just love men who drop their pants." Almost overnight, Singletary has become the favorite son of Frisco's notable gay community.

"We applaud the NFL for hiring Mike Singletary and we applaud Mike Singletary for his very open support of the gay community," said a statement from "Men Exposed," a non-profit group that supports men exposing themselves.

Another gay fan asked, "Do you think we can get Andy Reid to drop his pants? I love when chubby men drop their pants." Singletary commented later, "I guess when I said, 'we're getting our tails whipped,' that's a good thing too?"

Speaking of whipped...this could be one of our favorite album covers of all time.

ARMSTRONG RACING FOR ANKLE BRACELETS

New York, NY -- Lance Armstrong said yesterday that he is not returning to professional cycling because of unfinished business from his previous career.

In an exclusive interview with Jockweb.com, the seven-time Tour de France winner said that his comeback has nothing to do with rumors that have swirled for years that he used performance enhancement substances.

"The truth is," said Armstrong to Jockweb staffer Fred Collingdale, "it's all about the f***ing bracelets." "What happened from '92 to '05 and all those Tour de France victories were great but selling 100 million little yellow rubber bands to go on a wrist for ten bucks is where it's at," explained Armstrong.

"If you think about it, we've only marketed to one limb of the body and there are three others," said the Texan. "Just imagine if we go after those other limbs...let's see 100 million plus 100 million plus 100 million...wow that adds up to 300 million...take that MIT," Armstrong smiled proudly after counting his three other limbs.

"More of the truth is, we've got to stamp out other wrist bands of other colors for other causes," he angrily spoke. "I'm responsible for yellow rubber bands and we've got to keep it that way AND let's get people to put one around each ankle," was his inspiring message. Collingdale questioned Armstrong if America was ready for two yellow rubber bands around their ankles? "Absolutely," said Armstrong, "if I look down at a pair of fat ankles, let me tell you, two yellow rubber bands with Livestrong engraved on them, is going to turn fat ankles into fashionable fat ankles."

A crown of thorns wrap around tattoo with a Livestrong yellow band on this ankle? You want to define sexy? Catch your breath!

SAINTS' PAYTON HATES ENGLISH PEOPLE AND THEIR FOOD

New Orleans, LA -- New Orleans Saints' head coach Sean Payton couldn't wait for his plane ride back from his game in London to end.

The coach railed against the NFL front office for scheduling the Saints game in England. "Wow, does their food suck or what?" Payton asked. "The fish and chip thing is total bullshit...I'm expecting some real fish and what do I get but a deep fried minnow that I couldn't use for bait in Louisiana," complained Payton.

Payton told the NFL office that he would never go back to England, "ever." "And that friggin' accent, bloody this and bloody that?...what's that about...and another thing, I hate Margaret Thatcher," added Payton.

Thatcher, long considered Britain's "Iron Lady", insisted on addressing the team at halftime. Thatcher told the team, "What we should grasp, however, from the lessons of European history is that, first, there is nothing necessarily benevolent about programmes of European integration; second, the desire to achieve grand utopian plans often poses a grave threat to freedom; and third, European unity has been tried before, and the outcome was far from happy." After the speech the Saints were held scoreless in the third quarter.

"She totally screwed up our momentum with all the fancy European shit," screamed Payton. Thatcher said later, "I love being in a locker room with sweaty footballers...it's a real turn on."

Thatcher told the Saints' players, "Yes, you are number one in my playbook."

ROSIE O'DONNELL GOES BACK TO COLLEGE ON NEW TV SHOW

Raleigh, NC -- Actress, comedian, talk-show host, political activist, mother, cook, and now cheerleader, celebrity Rosie O'Donnell will star in a new fall show for NBC, ABC, CBS or "whoever wants it."

The show, "Head Wolf in the Pack" features Rosie as forty-something washed up former entertainer who decides to go back to college because "she's annoyed everyone she possibly could in her previous life." O'Donnell's character "Rosie" re-enrolls at North Carolina State because as one writer describes it, "what better place for a middle-aged lesbian entertainer to go back to college than in the South?"

The first show features Rosie going out for the cheerleading squad and then leading the squad to a national championship. In several previews for focus audiences, viewers said it was "some of the most powerful television drama ever devised."

In the episode, 84 fellow cheerleaders form the base of a pyramid that Rosie then triumphantly mounts for the team's final pose in the competition. "It was a great acting stretch for me to play Rosie," explained Rosie. "I've always dreamed of playing a GLBT cheerleader in the deep south and now I've had the opportunity and I think audiences are going to flock to this show," she said munching on tofu.

Critics are calling the show, "Unusual", "Flat Out Different", and "Not Your Ordinary Cable Fare". Grab the remote and search for that big, bad wolf.

Rosie reacting to some low cheerleading team scores.

FAVRE'S WIFE DEFENDS HER MAN

New York, NY -- The wife of New York Jets quarterback Brett Favre said yesterday that "this latest round of media scrutiny has been harder, more disheartening and seemingly unending."

"Brett does not, in any way, hold a vendetta against his former team," Deanna Favre wrote in a posting on her blog. "But that has not stopped some from scrutinizing his every move and blaming him for so many things that just aren't true," she continues. "Brett Favre has not changed," she said emphatically. "Really, since playing for the Jets, Brett has not changed a bit," the blog goes on.

"He's the same great husband and dad but since going to the Jets, he has not changed, and I mean his clothes, he has not changed, like I don't mean his personality or any of that other bullshit, I just mean literally he hasn't changed which after a couple of weeks is getting pretty vile around our house and my daughter doesn't want to sit near him during dinner and forget about getting close to him, he smells like a bayou polecat and wow these blog things are really cool cause you can just write and write on a keyboard with no punctuation and like I could just go on and on oh and by the way did I mention that Matt Millen is an asshole..."

At this point we stopped reading the blog and all we can hope for is both the media will stop hounding the Favres and that Brett will open a drawer and discover clean undies.

"Brett hasn't changed," insist Deanna Favre. This guy needs to retire for good.

PALIN INVITED TO HUNT WITH SHECKSTEIN

Jockweb City, KMA -- Jockweb CEO, global entrepreneur, philanthropist, philatilist, flutist, and all-around good guy Shecky Sheckstein yesterday extended an invitation to Vice-Presidential candidate Sarah Palin to vist and hunt at the not so famed Jockweb Mansion.

"I thought we might hunt moose," explained Sheckstein. "My question is what is the plural of moose...would it be mooses, mooseys, or mose?" asked Sheckstein. "I wouldn't just want to hunt for one and I'm sure I speak for Ms. Palin when I say, we'd like to kill several," explained Sheckstein. "And speaking of plurals, if I breath heavy twice is that a pair of pants?" Sheckstein questioned.

Sheckstein defended the invitation saying this was not a attempt to influence the election since, "I also invited Democratic candidate Joe Biden to the mansion for a toupee fit."

Palin's folks were mum on the invitation with one aide asking, "Is the Jockweb Mansion anything like Hef's place?" Sheckstein responded by saying, "No, not at all, in fact that moose stuff? Bullshit, I can't tell a moose from a goose." "But," he added, "I dig a woman with oversized glasses."

Would the plural of doctor be a "pairadox"?

RAVENS' SUGGS SPEAKS ABOUT BOUNTY MISUNDERSTANDING

Baltimore, MD -- Baltimore Ravens linebacker Terrell Suggs say reporters mistakenly took his use of the word "booty" for "bounty" in a radio interview about the Ravens' defense targeting members of the Pittsburgh Steelers during their Week 4 game.

In an interview earlier this month on the "2 Live Stews" nationally syndicated radio program, Suggs allegedly used the word "bounty" to describe that the Ravens planned to go after Steelers Hines Ward and Rashard Mendenhall. Mendenhall was injured for the rest of the season during the game but Suggs denies there was a connection to his comments.

"What I said was that I thought Rashard had a nice booty not bounty," clarified Suggs. "Booty" is a slang derivation usually found in some American cultures that refers to the buttocks. "You might say I'm coming out so to speak," added Suggs, "I'm coming out for booty."

Ward and Mendenhall did admit later that several times during the game, Ravens players paid "extra special attention to our booties." Mendenhall said that during several pile-ups, Ravens players, particularly Suggs, rubbed their hands across his buttocks saying things like, "I got your booty," and "Hey that's a fine booty you got."

Ravens' coach John Harbaugh told NFL investigators that this is just a case of "Gay boys will be boys," and that Suggs is just a hard hitting linebacker who happens to think "Mendenhall's ass is bootyliscious."

The NFL front office said that they will continue until "no pun intended until we get to the bottom of this."

This is what is commonly referred to as "serving up some booty."

GISELLE, "DOES ANYONE CARE ABOUT MY INFECTIONS?"

Los Angeles, CA -- Supermodel and girlfriend of New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, Giselle Bundchen, lashed out at reporters yesterday saying that the press has been insensitive to her variety of infections.

"Oh, Tom hurts his knee gets a little infection and it's a headline...well let me tell you right at this moment I've got about six different infections going on all over the place and is anyone really concerned?" Bundchen said through tears.

"I'm sick and tired of this Tom knee thing. For God's sake you get the knee operated on like everyone else in the world and then we move on," she insisted. "But no, as soon as I get up in the morning, he's whining about the knee and then the paper comes and right there we've got to re-hash the knee infection all over again," she explained.

Bundchen held a press conference yesterday to garner some support for her infections. "Right now I've got athlete's foot that burns and itches like a son of a bitch and I'm forced to wear white tube socks," she said as she scratched between her fourth and fifth toes. "And I've got this boil on my left ass cheek that I squeezed when I shouldn't have and now that's a full blown mess and I won't even get into my yeast infection," she said as she...well never mind.

Can we all commit to being a little bit more sensitive to Giselle? Hey, looks like tube socks are making a comeback.

FAVRE ADMITS, "I'M FRIENDS WITH MATT MILLEN"

Florham Park, NJ -- After much hemming and hawing and years of denial, Brett Favre admitted that he was friends with former Detroit Lions president Matt Millen.

"I've tried for years to deny it but the truth is, I hang out with Matt Millen," said a tearful Favre. Favre had been getting professional treatment as a result of the friendship but said, "I can finally talk about it."

There were reports that Favre called the former Lions executive a few weeks ago and gave him and Lions coaches information they could use against the Green Bay Packers. Favre, who had a bitter split with the Packers in the offseason, said on Wednesday that he and Millen are only "hunting buddies."

"I went hunting with Matt Millen and we didn't get anything. Animals ran away and hid when they saw Matt Millen," explained Favre. "Then we went to Vegas where I lost $500,000 because Matt stood next to me at a slot machine...and then Green Bay didn't want me anymore and then the stock market crashed and then the whole country went down the tubes because of Matt Millen but, he's still my friend," blubbered Favre.

Matt Millen denied he was friends with Brett Favre. "Look I don't have any friends and I don't have a job but damn it, I'm Matt Millen!" he said defiantly. "Oh yeah Brett, that info you gave me on the Packers sucked cause we still were 0-6 when they fired me," he reminded all of us.

Madonna denied reports that she was friends with Matt Millen or Brett Favre and said she did not give out any information on the Packers. "I'm just banged A-Rod, ok? So back off!" said the Material Girl.

CYCLING CHIEF SAYS RETESTING SAMPLES FOR CERA IS OUT OF THE QUESTION

Paris, France -- The head of cycling's world governing body said yesterday that he is opposed to retesting further samples for blood doping drugs among four Tour de France riders.

Glenn Falls, president of the cycling union said, "Please, no more piss."

The Chatenay-Malabry laboratory outside of Paris rechecked the samples from the 2007 Tour de Franc and found that Bernhard Kohl, Stefan Schumacher, Riccardo Ricco, and Leonardo Piepolli all tested positive. Now the World Anti-Doping Organization wants to test the samples again.

"I've got a ton of urine on the top of my sitting on the top of my desk," said lab technician Marcel Marceu, "and truthfully the smell of year old piss is starting to wear on me." Marceu complained vehemently asking, "Did I piss someone off to get stuck with this job?...please someone just let me flush this stuff down a toilet."

Anti-Doping spokesperson Ezra Pound said, "What did he expect when he took a job advertised as 'Urine Inspector'?" "And now he's complaining cause there's a little smell in his office, give me a break."

Marceu added, "Several riders ate asparagus before they gave the sample, and let me tell you, stale asparagus piss could be one of the most vile smells ever concocted by God."

Can someone maybe do a science fair project on why asparagus makes your pee stink?

PROMISE KEEPERS NOT KEEPING PROMISES ON CAMPUSES

Boulder, CO -- A controversial report regarding the conservation religious group "The Promise Keepers" was released yesterday.

The Promise Keepers is an international Christian organization for men and some well behaved women based in Denver, Colorado. It is self-described as an organization that introduces men to Jesus Christ and helps them grow as Christians. They are also associated with a strict teenage abstinence policy in education.

One core belief of the organization is that PK's are committed to practicing spiritual, moral, ethical, and sexual purity. However, yesterday's report revealed that many Promise Keepers are not keeping their promise. "I don't know what the problem is," said one Promise Keeper executive, "but when you promise not to have wild, cheap sex then to me a promise is a promise no matter how lucky you get."

Several Promise Keeper members revealed that they were experiencing a major dilemma. "Ok, I'm a promise keeper but then after several beers this ugly babe across the room, who under normal circumstances, I could keep my promise, all of a sudden starts to look amazing and then, it's all down hill after that," said one keeper.

"The devil is alive and well and his name is Budweiser," said Promise Keeper spokesperson, D. O. N'touch. "Maybe we ought to re-think this whole promise keeping premise," he added.

"I did it"..."Me too"..."Yep, we're bad" said several vixens undermining promise keeping.

LOOTERS HAVE THEIR WAY AT YANKEE STADIUM

New York, NY -- The New York Yankees plan to auction off memorabilia from the now closed Yankee Stadium turned out to be a complete failure as looters helped themselves to their own "stuff."

Auctioneers were helpless during the bidding while New Yorkers pried, ripped, and tore everything and anything from the historic landmark. "I've got a toilet seat that Babe Ruth took a crap on," said one happy fan. Another bragged, "I went through Hank Steinbrenner's office and got a case of Mylanta."

Steinbrenner was said to be furious, "I was saving that Mylanta for next season and I had promised six bottles to Jerry Manual." Police and the National Guard were called in to quell the rioting. Several officers abandoned the patrol when they found out that all of the urinals had been taken from the men's rooms throughout the stadium. One happy looter said, "Just think, I have a Yankee stadium urinal for my house and my wife can't use it...maybe she'll shut up about leaving the toilet seat up."

Immediately, bidding for the one remaining urinal became fierce with one policeman bidding $12 and a dozen donuts. "The bottom line," said the officer, "is that you can never find a urinal when you need one, so this was well worth it."

Just another day in the big city.

TONY PARKER ADMITS, "I'M SICK OF HER!"

San Antonio, TX -- San Antonio Spurs guard Tony Parker admitted to reporters yesterday that he had grown tired of celebrity wife and "hottie" Eva Longoria.

Parker's admission begged the question, is it possible to tired of someone who might just be one of the best looking woman on the planet? "That's an entirely legitimate question," Parker said. "Yes, there are times when I look at her and say to myself, 'You're married to one of the best looking women on the planet, you can put up with her shit a little longer'."

Stunned males throughout the United States responded resolutely that a man can put up with a ton of shit if the wife is one of the best looking women on the planet.

Long time single, horny, and available Henry Machio commented, "I think Tony Parker's balls should be cut off for being ungrateful." Questions about Parker's commitment to Longoria were flooding bars, strip clubs, and houses of prostitution throughout Friday.

"I ask myself," said Ned Perkodinky, "is is possible to tired of a beautiful woman?" "And my answer always is the same...I've never had a beautiful woman so I can answer my own question...yeah let's cut his balls off," Perkodinky reacted angrily.

Can you tire of a gorgeous woman? What a stupid f***ing question!

ELI MANNING CLONED, ENDORSEMENTS DOUBLE

New York, NY -- New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning was successfully cloned yesterday raising questions as to whether or not the team should double his salary.

Manning said the cloning idea came from his agent who feels that he can now do twice as many commercials and personal appearances. Dr. Lars Mendelshon of the "Institute" was the chief cloner. Mendelshon asked, "Doesn't the 'Institute' sound really scientific and mysterious?" "Up until now the only things I cloned were a fruit fly and a chihuahua named 'Bob'," exclaimed the ecstatic Mendelshon.

Giants coach Tom Coughlin commented that, "Manning can now back himself up so we should have depth at QB going down the stretch." "But," he added, "we ain't cloning that f***ing Plaxico Burress."

Manning asked if there were any NFL cheerleaders that had been cloned. "My duplicate needs a date this weekend and I only go out with cheerleaders," explained Manning. "I guess since it's last minute, Eli II will just have to be satisfied with a sheep," Manning added.

This NFL cloning could get really out of hand and Brett Favre could be playing for like another 50 years.

METS STUNNED WHEN THEY SHOW UP FOR PLAYOFFS

New York, NY -- The New York Mets received a shock yesterday when they showed up at Shea Stadium for the opening of the playoffs.

"What?" asked the stunned shortstop Jose Reyes, "we're not in the playoffs?" "How can this be?" he continued. "Gee I thought we were doing so well winning all of those games," he sobbed.

It seemed someone forgot to tell the team that they were eliminated from the post season for the second year in a row.

Outfielder Carlos Delgado was clearly angry about the mix-up. "Someone has made a terrible mistake or else this is someone's idea of a cruel joke," he said as he walked back to the locker room. The entire 59,686 paying fans were also very upset with many saying they would never return to Shea Stadium again to watch a game.

Outfielder Endy Chavez handled the disappointment with relative calm. "Truthfully, I let the lawn go all summer and I could use the time to get caught up on some home improvements," he said. Manager Jerry Manual too, looked at the situation with a half-full glass saying, "Hey at least my brother Charlie is going deep into the playoffs."

"What...we lost again?" mumbled Reyes.

COWBOYS TURN TO LEGEND FOR HELP AT QB

Irving, TX -- The Dallas Cowboys turned to veteran leadership yesterday after learning that starting quarterback Tony Romo will be out at least four weeks with a broken pinky.

Head coach Wade Phillips immediately asked, "Do you think I look like my daddy Bum?" "And why did they call him Bum?" he continued. "And does that make me Bum Jr. or Bummy or little Bum or little fat Bum?" he obsessed. After an hour of insecure questioning of his identity, Phillips announced that he had no decent backup quarterback. "You don't expect me to let Brad Johnson play do you?" was Phillips stance. "Why that critter was bad when he was good," he chided.

Later Phillips told reporters that he would ask Cowboy favorite Roger Staubach to fill in for Romo during the four-week absence. "Jees, it's only four weeks and I think we got the Lions for one game and heck, with the Lions we could start a one-armed paperhanger," he said.

Staubach, 63, was thrilled with the opportunity to step into his former job. "Finally I'll get to call my own plays and I won't have to look at Landry's dumb hat the whole game," said Staubach. Staubach, like Phillips also had questions about his identity. "Is it Staubach or Stallback?" he asked. "I think Stallback makes a hellava lot more sense," he said with his 146 point IQ.

Stallback said, "I never realized that you were supposed to keep your feet on the ground when you threw the ball."

SARAH PALIN LANDS JOB WITH NHL

Philadelphia, PA -- Vice-Presidential Candidate Sarah Palin wasted no time in networking herself into a post-election job after dropping the puck at the Philadelphia Flyers-New York Rangers game on Saturday.

"I was really nervous," said Palin over the noise of the booing Philly crowd. "But all in all I give myself high marks for dropping the puck," added Palin. GOP strategists were a bit nervous with Palin dropping a puck before 20,000plus fans. "We were worried she'd open her mouth," said campaign advisor Tork Mendada. "We rehearsed her dropping the puck for two weeks and thank God she didn't screw it up," he sighed.

Philly fans, who booed Santa Claus, Mike Schmidt, and Mother Teresa, were relatively hostile. "Gee, how come no one threw batteries at me?" asked Palin referring to the incident where fans threw batteries at former Phillies draft pick, J.D. Drew. "I think throwing batteries is a good sign that the economy is doing well...like if people can boo and throw batteries, it means that jobs are being created, right?" she continued.

NHL executives immediately promised Palin a executive position with the league. Flyers owner Ed Snider asked, "Who's the hot bitch with the big glasses?" Snider told Flyers' security, "Bring her up to my private suite, I've got a job for her if you know what I mean..." With that he winked and said pointing to below his waist, "I've got a pretty terrific economic stimulus package right here."

Flyers' owner knows a thing or two about job creation and he has one for Sarah Palin.

COMA COSTS CUBS DIVISION PLAYOFFS

Chicago, IL -- Doctors are baffled as to why the Chicago Cubs went into a massive coma during the division playoffs against the Los Angeles Dodgers.

After watching hours and hours of replay tape, experts have concluded that there was some type of conspiracy that put the Cubs players into a trance-like state throughout the series. "It could have been tainted sports drinks or quite possibly hypnosis but if you watch the tape you'll see zombie like behavior," said coma expert Dr. Hans Laustanhammer. "Either way, you should try driving a car, operate heavy machinery, or try and hit a baseball while in a coma," added Dr. Hans.

Cubs manager Lou Pinella admitted, "Yes, we were in a coma and in a coma we shall remain because when in a coma you have no concept of reality and we want no concept of reality."

Fox analyst Joe Buck commented, "I've got nothing important to say but I can talk for hours about nothing so if you've got a few days on your hands pull up a chair and I'll start talking." "But seriously," Buck added, "I haven't seen a team freeze up like this since, oh...I guess the 2008 New York Mets."

A Cub batter tries following a ball while in a coma.

CANSECO STOPPED AT BORDER WITH FERTILITY DRUGS

San Diego, CA -- Former MLB slugger Jose Canseco was stopped at the U.S.-Mexican border after agents stopped him as he attempted to bring a fertility drug from Mexico.

Canseco was detained at the San Ysidro crossing after agents found the illegal drugs when they searched his vehicle. Later a pharmacy expert confirmed the pills were enough to make the entire female population of India ovulate.

"I want to have a baby," confessed Conseco. "For years I've been mixed up with Jose on the outside and Josetta on the inside," he teared as he explained. "Is it so wrong that a former major league slugger want to carry a child?" he pleaded. "And how about those Rays?" he asked. "Wow, they didn't do shit when I played for them," he added.

Agents were moved emotionally with Canseco's desire to conceive that he was released immediately. "He is one brave hombre," said one agent. Agents promised Canseco that if he is fortunate to get pregnant that the Border Patrol will definitely throw him a baby shower. Everyone hugged as Canseco departed and everyone lived happily ever after.

What? You've never seen a pregnant man?

PRO-ELITE FACES ALLEGATIONS OF FIGHT FIXING

Sunrise, FL -- After what might have been their most successful night since the start of the sport, mixed martial arts promoter, ProElite, is on the defensive after accusations of fight fixing surfaced.

It might be the case that last-minute replacement Seth Petruzelli was paid to stand and keep a fight going with Kimbo Slice when Pertuzelli was clearly in control of the fight.

"The promoters kind of hinted to me and they gave me the money to stand and trade with him," Petruzelli said on "The Monsters in Orlando" show. "They didn't want me to take him down, let's just put it that way. It was worth my while to try to stand up and punch with him."

Promoters immediately denied the charge of fight fixing that is being investigated by the Florida Department of Business and Professional Regulation. "Why would we fix a fight?" asked Pro Elite spokesperson Jerry Lapdance. "Who doesn't know that the fight game is pure as the Virgin Mary on a first date?" he continued.

Lapdance theorized, "It must have been Donaghy," said Lapdance. Donaghy, the disgraced NBA referee jailed for fixing NBA games, has a home in Florida. "It makes perfect sense," said Lapdance. "He lives in Florida and the fight was in Florida, what more proof do you need?"

NBA commissioner David Stern agreed that "Tim Donaghy acts alone and that no other NBA ref is involved in fight fixing." "He's a lone rogue criminal," said Stern. Donaghy, said through his attorney from his jail cell, "Ah come on guys, can't just leave me out of satire?"

This mixed martial arts stuff is pretty cool shit even if Tim Donaghy put the fix in.

YAO MING ACCEPTS WEDDING PROPOSAL

Shanghai, China -- Houston Rockets center Yao Ming finally gave in to the pressure to marry longtime sweetheart Lithuanian power forward Vilas Siskauskas.

The two have been linked together romantically for years but rumors were circulating that Yao wanted out of the relationship. "I was never in the closet," said Yao through an interpreter about his alleged homosexual relationship, "because I'm 7'6" and I can't find a big enough closet."

Siskauskas explained that he became very close to Yao last summer at the Beijing games when the coach told him, "to guard Yao like he was your wife." "I did and it changed me and now we'll be married," exclaimed the happy Lithuanian.

Supposedly Yao parents have expressed reservations about a mixed ethnic relationship. "Alright already," said Mr. Yao, "so my son is gay, can't he find a nice Chinese boy to settle down with?"

Yao said later, "Vilas and I know we've got to work through some tough issues but we're both committed professionals even though he doesn't understand a lick of Chinese nor I, his native tongue...we speak the universal language of love."

Read this story again, it just warms you all over.

WOMAN MISTAKENLY STALKS LUKE WALTON

Manhattan Beach, CA -- A woman has been charged with stalking Los Angeles Lakers forward Luke Walton but pleaded to police it was all a mistake.

Stacy Elizabeth Beshear of El Segundo was arrested on September 18 after she pulled up to his car and pretended to fire gunshots at him with her hand, explained police Sgt. Steve Tobias.

Later Beshear told a judge that it was "all one big stupid misunderstanding." "I thought he was Bill Walton," explained Beshear. Luke Walton, the son of former NBA star turned basketball analyst, looks very much like his father.

Beshear said she meant to perform public service by stalking Bill Walton. Luke Walton explained that it appeared that Beshear is "not all there in the head." Beshear admitted that she wasn't but taking out Bill Walton "isn't that bad of an idea." "That voice, that annoying minutiae that he drones on and on about, makes everyone not all there in the head," she defended herself.

Police found a long wooden stake and hammer in the trunk of Beshear's car. She told police that the only way to deal with a Bill Walton is to drive a stake through his heart "and then he stop sucking the life of an NBA telecast."

Bill Walton had three days worth of comments but there is not enough memory on a computer to write them out.

Bill Walton loves to work with Marv Albert and vice versa.

EAGLES' McNABB GUARANTEES NO SUPER BOWL

Philadelphia, PA -- Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb announced at his Monday press conference that he promises fans that he will not lead his team to a Super Bowl ever.

McNabb told reporters yesterday, "I'm going out on a limb and say that we will not go or win a Super Bowl this year." McNabb added that he was so confident that he will never win a Super Bowl that he was willing to change his number from "5" to "0". "That's how confident I am," said the defiant veteran.

Eagles coach Andy Reid said that it's always risky making such bold predictions but "Don has the ability to back it up." Reid added, "It's my job to get the team ready and in position not to make plays and I think I've done a pretty good job getting players into positions of not making plays but if we going out on a limb like this and promising fans that we will not win a Super Bowl then I have to do a better job getting my players into a position of not making plays."

Some veterans in the locker room said they were a bit worried that McNabb's comments might serve as motivation for other teams. One veteran said, "Sometimes when you make a prediction like that, it just motivates teams to stay home and not play the game and that just puts more pressure on us to lose and it's hard to really give a losing effort if the other team doesn't show up."

McNabb was steadfast in his conviction that Eagles fans could count on him. "In the past, I know I've made mistakes and disappointed fans by actually winning a game here or there but this time I mean it, we're not going," he said with a mouthful of his mother Wilma's chunky soup.

Eagles fans have nothing to worry about. "You can bet the ranch on it," said McNabb.

PLENTY OF GOOD SEATS STILL AVAILABLE FOR RUSSIAN HOCKEY

Moscow, Russian -- Attention all hockey fans: there are some really great season ticket packages still on the market for Russian hockey.

The Чемпионат России по хоккею с шайбой is the highest division of the main professional hockey league in Russia commonly considered Third-best in the world after the NHL and swedish Elitserien. Sadly, at the conclusion of the 2007-08 season, the Russian Super League was disbanded and this year will be replaced by the Kontinental Hockey League (KHL).

"Ever since we changed the name from that really long Russian name with the funky writing to the misspelled Continental Hockey League, Russians all over the place are confused, angry, and have taken to drinking an excessive amount of vodka," said Russian billionaire real estate developer and team owner Donatrepeva Trumpapatrovsky. "It's just another day in Russia," he added, "but ticket sales are down cause Russians rather drink and fight than watch hockey."

KHL commissioner Feyedor Doughskieffyski said, "We're lowering ticket prices to the bargain basement." Russian teams are offering season ticket prices at unheard of discounts. "We got tremendous deal now just 400 rubles you get four tickets, four Russian hot dog, four Russian coke a cola and good seat on ice," explained the commish. "And we work out deal with Southwest Airline, round trip to Moscow $1899 per person," he assured. "You like hockey, can't get good NHL seat, come to Moscow, we fix you up," he promised.

"And we throw in Russian woman, if you buy ticket today....very sweet deal," said Doughskeiffyski."