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Philadelphia, PA -- University of Connecticut basketball coach Jim Calhoun was hospitalized on Thursday and was forced to miss the opening game of the NCAA tournament where his Huskies defeated some no name opponent that no one ever heard of and should never be playing in the NCAA tournament to begin with since so many really good teams get screwed out of the selection and are forced to play in that other stupid post-season waste of time thing called the NIT.

Calhoun was admitted the the hospital of the University of Pennsylvania for tests and was kept overnight for observation. "We observed him and my goodness he is one cranky mother f***er," said Dr. Ramesh Gupti. Gupti, who knows nothing of basketball therefore had never previously heard of Jim Calhoun, wanted to make sure that patient had health insurance or at least enough money to pay his (Gupti's) bill.

Gupti made the mistake of asking Calhoun how much money he made annually from coaching the UConn basketball team. Calhoun, in a repeat of an earlier tirade to a reporter who asked the same question, reduced Gupti to tears by telling him to "stop asking dumb f***ing questions, it's none of your f***ing business how much f***ing money I make and if you want to ask a f***ing question, it better be about f***ing basketball."

The mild manner doctor replied through tears, "So sorry sir, I have made grave mistake for which I very sorry." Calhoun's blood pressure crept up to 220/140 and he had a near stroke but later he returned to normal after reading on Charlie Villanueva's twitter log that he was supposed to be back for round two of the tournament where UConn will play another no name opponent who shouldn't be be in the tournament and would better serve basketball fandom by playing in that other stupid f***ing thing called the NIT.

Chicago, IL -- Ron Popeal has spent his entire career unlocking the mysteries of the buying public as a market researcher for the company, "What The F*** Do These People Want? Inc."

Popeal is responsible for bringing a plethora of products to the American consumer most notably the disposable "OJ" steak knife and the "Just a Nut" athletic supporter for athletes with one testicle. So when Popeal speaks, entrepreneurs listen. And yesterday speaking to the Association of Losing College Football Teams With Poor Attendance, Popeal gave a workshop on how to fill the stands with fans "even when your team is 0-10."

The capitalist guru said that one thing is a constant in marketing a football team. "I have found that when you put the cheerleaders at the 20 yd. line, the seats around that marker fill up for some reason," he told his audience. "SO the formula we're looking for is really, hot cheerleaders at the 20, facing the field, slightly bent over, and I'll guarantee that you won't have an empty seat nearby," he explained with the help of his Powerpointer.

"I'll tell you this market research stuff is a lot tougher than you think," he added. "I had to go to over two hundred games last year and sit at the 20 yard line every time," sighed Popeal. "In fact," said Popeal, "my 11-year old son sat next to me and was shocked right into puberty."

Popeal is no relation to that other marketing guru with the chicken rotisserie informercial.

Boston, MA -- An 18-year-old cheerleader who was kicked off the New England Patriots cheerleading squad landed on her feet and now is getting critical acclaim as an artist.

Caitlin Davis was let go by the Patriots after pictures from her Facebook page were circulated. The pictures showed Davis standing over a passed out friend who had various artwork drawn over her unconscious body. Lots of bad words and pictures and two swastikas were attributed to the artistic hand of Davis.

"What's the big deal?" was what the befuddled pom-pom girl allegedly asked. "So I drew the words 'penis' and 'I'm a Jew' on a drunk girl...is that a crime?"

Other cheerleaders came to Davis' defense. "She's a cheerleader not a scientist," said Molly Tishman, a friend and fellow artist. "It's fun to draw on drunk people because they don't move...when they're not drunk they move and the words get all messed up," she explained.

Davis said that she drew on the drunk girl because, "I need to express myself through my art." And Davis said that her first and most famous piece, which she calls, "Drunken, Stupid, Cheerleading, Passed Out Ho," will be auctioned off at a Boston gallery later this week. "If you put a frame around this, wow, you've got a piece of art and a piece of ass," she joked.

Binghamton, NY -- Gun buy-backs are an effective law enforcement strategy in an effort to stem violence in our towns and cities.

Binghamton police held a buy-back event yesterday where illegal gun holderscould sell their illegal guns back to the department for a small profit and without fear of arrest. The buy-back netted over 1500 guns in an eight hour period. However the police were stymied when one customer tried to sell a box of 36 Magnum condoms for cash.

"I guess he was confused between 36 Magnums and a .36 Magnum," said officer Hank Petrowski, "but we want all Magnums off the streets so I gave two bucks which is a good deal on 36 Magnums."

The condom customer was none other than Binghamton point guard Malik Alvin, who was arrested back in October for stealing the condoms from a local Wal-Mart. Alvin explained that, "During basketball season I haven't had much time to use the Magnums and it looked like a good opportunity to dump them to the police."

Alvin proudly added, "In fact, I need to step it up to a .52 Magnum if you catch what I mean cause with the 36 there ain't no safe sex with Malik." Happily, Alvin will lead Binghamton's first round charge in Thursday NCAA opening round.

Police will take them back with no questions asked. And you can be very proud of yourself if you are indeed a "Magnum" man.

Tallahassee, FL -- Florida State University officials announced yesterday that they will appeal the athletic penalties imposed against the school's athletic teams.

The NCAA sanctioned FSU for allegedly offering a music history course where athletes were provided with answers prior to taking exams. However the administration defended the course as "a rigorous overview of the history of music."

One university official, Sammy Hagar explained, "I'm telling you, this was a ball busting course and I don't care who we're talking about, it was really tough to pass." Hagar showed a copy of the exam and indeed there were some very challenging questions.

One history question asked, "Which country did the Beatles come from? A) Tanzania B) Lithuania C) Missouri D) A and B E) B and C.

One football player said, "I hate those combo A and B answers because it could be A or it could be B and shit, that just gives me a headache." He added, "I like those fill-in-the-blank questions like 'Complete this sentence, Rolling_____', and jees I got that right."

University President Dickie Betts said, "Dang it, a FSU athlete is damn sure gonna know some important shit when he's done this course like things like where's Graceland and what killed Mama Cass."

Here's a tough music history question? Do these legs belong to A) Jerry Garcia B) Jimi Hendrix C) Eric Clapton D) Marie Osmond?

Anchorage, Alaska -- A three year old Pug named Fritz led a team of huskies across the frozen tundra of Alaska to take command of first place in the grueling Idiotrod sled race.

The Idiotrod has long been one of sports most grueling challenges where sled drivers reporting immense suffering in pursuit of the illusive title of "Idiotrod." However, 26-year-old Kenny Bachelor said this year he had a strategy that was original and a sure fire way of guaranteeing victory.

"I used Fritz as my lead dog," said Bachelor. "Fritz has no previous experience and no attitude," he explained. Bachelor went on, "Sled dogs at the Iditadrod have a real attitude like, 'Wow, I'm a big-time dog going across Alaska, ain't I a hot shit?' but not Fritz." Fritz took command of the team and according to Bachelor, the dog took "no bullshit from the team."

"He stepped up and like in dog language he said, 'OK hot shit sled dogs, a Pug is in charge and we're doing an asskicking on the frozen tundra' and that was that," said Bachelor as he rewarded Fritz with a nice bowl of "Chicken McNuggets."

Fritz the wonder dog of this year's Idiotrod, stops to pose for pictures. "Shit, it's cold on that tundra," he seemed to slobber.

Cleveland, OH -- Menare racing to their urologist this week which just so happens to coincide with the NCAA tournament.

Doctors throughout the country report and thousand fold increase in vasectomy requests around March where speculation is that men want to have their "snip-snip" so they can lounge around and watch college basketball.

ESPN analyst Dick Vitale explained it as, "Testicle madness baby! Vans deferens baby! Low sperm count baby!" Dr. J. Henry Scyssors said, "Truthfully, I hate this job...why didn't I become a gynecologist?" He added, "I'm cuttin' into over a thousand scrotums this week and then I'm going to DisneyWorld."

Basketball fan Mort Snoot said, "I had so much fun last year getting a vasectomy and watching hoops, that I decided to do it again...there's a party in my trousers and I want to say thanks to the NCAA." Mrs. Snoot said, "It figures cause they ain't much going on in his bracket."

Is there universal agreement that the penis and it's accompanying hardware is just nature's worst design job from an aesthetic perspective.

Michigavana, Croatia -- Croatian double Paralympic champion Antonija Balek will have to return her gold medals because she lied about being disabled.

Balek won the javelin and the shot put during the 2008 games in Beijing but it turns out her claim that she was disabled from a car accident was a big, fat lie. And she added that she was in a three year coma which is another huge lie. "She full of Croatian shit," said her brother Vlado. Vlado added, "You know there's a puzzle of me in Croatia called, 'Where's Vlado?' and it's hugely popular but my sister...nothing wrong with her, she dance better than James Brown when he alive."

However, Antonija insisted that she was indeed disabled and started stuttering and slobbering all over the place but everyone witnessing could see that she was full of Croatian shit. " "And we gave her extended time on all her tests and really good parking spaces," said her high school teacher Vlade Deviousic. "I think we ought to cut her arms and legs off now and lets see how far she throw shot put," screamed Vlade.

"And I almost marry her cause I think wow she in a coma she not know much and she not know I want to get in pants, now shit, she not disabled, I got go look on market again," said former boyfriend Vlade Devic. Devic added, "How come everyone in Croatia named Vlade?"

Balek promised to return the medals and apologized saying, "Alright, okay, so I used a wheelchair and beat out some handicapped folks in some lame track stuff in China...that doesn't make me a bad person." Balek said that she planned to write a book and maybe get a spot on "Dancing with the Disabled Stars."

Denver, CO -- Former NFL running back Travis Henry who played for three teams from 2001 to 2007 asked a judge to allow me just one night to "get an NFL record."

Henry, awaiting the outcome of his cocaine trafficking charges, has nine children by nine different mothers, with some of the children born only a few months apart. "I was productive," said Henry about his reproductive proclivity, "and I want to have a chance for the record."

The NFL office said yesterday that the record for fathering children by different mothers was ten. "I'm one away from tying and two away from owning," said an anxious Henry. "I just want to get out there again and find me some fertile ground on which to lay me seed," he told the court. Henry, who once played for the University of Tennessee, quipped, "I guess you could say I'm looking for Volunteers."

Henry added, "Once I have the record, I'll retire and hopefully I'll have my penis enshrined in Canton, Ohio." He added, "It's every player's dream to get to Canton and even though a lot of people say I'm through, I still got some juice left in the tank," promised the old Bronco.

Downsouth, SW (somewhere) -- An actual real, honest to goodness study by actual real, honest goodness to researchers discovered that the actual, real, honest to goodness act of THINKING about exercise can make people hungry.

Researchers discovered that if you actually see someone honest to goodness actually running for real, you, the viewer, just by watching someone exercising, and saying something like, "Hey, I oughta go out and do some exercise bullshit," actually makes you honest to goodness hungry. Therefore, by watching others exercise, you eat, get fat, die of a heart attack.

"It's a huge problem," said Dr. Horace Bellemy, "because there are these f***ing people exercising all over the f***ing place and you see them, you want to eat, you eat, you become a fat f***ing slob and then you die." Bellemy is urging the government to do something. "They should do something," shouted Bellemy, "cause a lot of f***ing people are going to die!"

Bellemy suggested that "First, let's kill all the f***ing bankers and Wall Street assholes who f***ed up the economy and then let's go after all these exercising assholes and kill them too." Later in a calmer, more relaxed state Bellemy said, "You know, I'm an actual, real, honest to goodness doctor and I can't believe how I talk."

New York, NY -- As if we can't get enough of the Roger Clemens' steroid journey, here goes another entry.

Trainer Brian McNamee told investigators that he injected Clemens with steroids in a Yankee Stadium hot tub and then placed the spent needles in a Miller Lite can. "Whoa, you can imagine the sexual tension between us," McNamee explained yesterday. "Here's Roger naked in a hot tub and here I am injecting a needle into his bare ass...if that's not a recipe for a hot porno scene then take away my web browser," said a breathless McNamara recalling the scene. "But since it was hazardous waste I was thinking 'green' so I put it in a discarded beer can thinking, 'come on now Brian...recycle...do your part to save the planet," he continued.

Unfortunately, the discarded needle and beer can made their way into the waste stream where a man rummaging through a landfill found the can and drank the remaining beer. "I found a half-full beer," said Walt Udall, "and I said, 'wow how great is this, a half-full beer in a landfill, am I lucky or what?'" But Udall drank the beer and with it the needle used that shot steroids into Clemens' behind.

Doctors at a NYC emergency room were relieved to find the needle passed through Udall's system and is now in the hands of a Government Investigative Committee. Udall told reporter later, "I had a little bit of Yankee history pass through my digestive system and that is very, very exciting...I'll cherish that memory forever."

Los Angeles, CA -- An LA psychic and rabid NBA fan told reporters yesterday that he has been in regular contact with NBA legend Wilt Chamberlain and romance hall of famer.

"For some reason, when I sit at mid-court in the Staples Center it's easier to contact Wilt," explained part-time psychic Toby Freebaysher. "Of course, he also is easy to find when you're in a strip club," added Toby.

Freebaysher explained that he is not a certified psychic and he is only working at the job part-time because he explained, "When you put a sign outside your house that says 'Psychic' people for some reason assume you're f***ing crazy so I sort of do it under the radar."

However, yesterday after contacting Wilt, Freebaysher revealed that Wilt confessed to him that he has had sex with over 136,000 women on the other side. "Wilt assures me that the Muslim 52 or something virgin thing is all bullshit and heaven is just one friggin' sex smorgasbord," smiled Toby. In addition Wilt was bragging in the conversation that, "Cleopatra was hot for an ancient Eygyptian but Marilyn Monroe is still drugged up."

Wilt fans all over can feel a little bit better knowing that Wilt's libido is eternal and can't be stopped by a little heart attack.

Wilt told Toby, "I really don't have much time to talk...I need to get back to heaven."

Tampa, FL -- Tampa Bay Buccaneers linebacker Geno Hayes was stabbed in the head and neck by his "really pissed girlfriend," but he's doing just fine now.

Hayes was stabbed in the head with a pair of scissors and in the neck with a knife explained police. Police arrested Hayes' girlfriend 19-year-old Shevelle Bagley and she was charged with aggravated battery with a deadly weapon.

"I still love him," said Bagley, "it's just that I love him so much, I want to kill him." Hayes spoke with a bandaged head commented, "Wow, she had scissors and a knife, and I've still got my penis." Criminal experts agree that in most cases where women have extensive weapons access, penises are usually the first thing to go.

"Gee, if I had only waited til he was asleep," lamented Bagley, "I think we'd be looking at a different result here." Dr. Phil McGraw, the popular television therapist volunteered to step in the help Bagley and Hayes, "patch the quilt of their lives back together again." McGraw said, "It's time to let the healing begin for these two people who obviously love each other very much...and, the good news is that with the penis still intact, they have a future together."

Anaheim, CA -- Famed homicidal maniac, cult leader, and general all-around scary humanization of Satan, Charlie Manson, is back in the news after stepping is as "celebrity guest goalie" last evening for the Anaheim Ducks.

Manson, who has been in jail for the past 40 years after leading a murderous crime spree in the hills of Los Angeles. "It's great to get back on the ice," said Manson with an icy stare. "But seriously," he said, "do you think it's easy to get this bugged out eye look? It's not, believe me."

Prison officials said the permission to let Manson play in a hockey game was "just one of those snap decisions that looked good at the time." Warden Rex Tubberkopper explained, "You know, Chuck is not a bad guy when you get to know him and jees, he loves hockey, so we thought, what's the harm in little time out?"

To everyone surprise, Manson demonstrated some pretty nifty goalie moves. "He's surprising quick," said forward Guy Nakid. "It's ashame he's got six consecutive life sentences cause, we could use him in a playoff push."

Tallahassee, FL -- The NCAA announced that Florida State University athletics will be sanctioned for academic fraud.

The University will appeal the decision and will protest the penalty of having to vacate seven wins from the 2007 football season. The NCAA alleges massive academic misconduct which has taken the entire sports world by surprise.

Head football coach Bobby Bowden, 79, responded, "Hey I'm having all kinds of memory problems, what's my name again?...and I never heard of academics." If the University is forced to forfeit football games, Bowden's attempt to retire as the winningest football coach in history might now be in jeopardy. Penn State football coach Joe Paterno danced around so hard he popped out his new hip replacement saying, "Yeah, I'm really feeling bad for old Bobby."

The NCAA will take the wins back and re-distribute them to the losing teams. "Wow!" said North Carolina former head coach John Bunting, "now I'm 1-10, maybe I can get my job back."

Bowden was philosophical about the whole incident saying, "They can take the victories away but they can't change the fact that we lead the nation in felonies!"

The NCAA also said they would confiscate this FSU cheerleader who was said by the Athletic department to have a 4.0 in Computer Engineering.

Palm Beach, FL -- John Stewart Taylor, 37 has been charged with 41 counts of sexual harassment and aggravated stalking for trying to make repeated contact with NFL sideline reporter Lindsay Soto.

Durham, NC -- The sputtering economy has reached even deeper this week when the Duke University Board of Trustees instructed Duke basketball coach Mike Krushnasti to "cut back on extras" so that the school can save some cash.

Krannewbergski immediately told his players, "Alright first thing that goes is your fancy basketball players' dormitory." The players were living at a state of the art residence hall with lots of extras including satellite television and afternoon cocktail service but no longer.

Beginning yesterday the players are now staying in "Blue Devil Tent City," on the outskirts of town. Kryfonofski told reporters, "How about all of those Okies during the depression moving to those tent places in California...remember that 'Grapes of Wrath' movie with Henry Fonda...man that was a good movie...I didn't read the book though cause I was busy playing for Bobby Knight at Army and shit, we didn't read nothing."

Kreyszwaxski added, "And besides we're probably playing Oklahoma in the NCAA tourney so we oughta get used to living in tents like they do."

WALL STREET JOURNAL ESTABLISHES SPORTS PAGE; JOCKWEB VOWS TO EXPAND BUSINESS COVERAGE

New York, NY -- The Wall Street Journal, pillar of the conservative financial community, in an effort to reach a younger, more hip reader, announced yesterday that they will expand the paper to include sports page coverage.

The announcement sent chills throughout the publishing community forcing the likes of Jockweb's CEO, publisher, and sometimes fighter pilot, Shecky Sheckstein to respond, "This means war!"

Sheckstein countered the WSJ's plan with an expansion idea of his own. "We going to add a business section to Jockweb!" Employees at the publication were ecstatic while being momentarily confused at the same time. One staffer asked Sheckstein, "Do we have anyone who knows anything about business?" Sheckstein angrily retorted, "We don't have anyone who knows anything about sports, yet does that stop us?"

Sheckstein unleashed a torrent of analysts, journalists, and incompetents on a binge of business coverage. "We'll be looking at this whole economy thing, this whole financial crisis, and offering insights, solutions, and other useless information," he vowed.

"I think we'll begin with something like, 'Economy Is In Meltdown!' That really grabs the readers' attention and meltdown is a really good word that sound economic," he instructed his staff. "Now get to work!" he barked.

Dallas, TX -- Mark Cuban isn't happy with the effort of his Dallas Maverick players on both ends of the court and he thinks he knows what's ailing the team.

"It's that point in the season where everyone's energy is kind of down... and certainly I understand that sometimes when you've got a multimillion dollar contract to play basketball, sometimes your energy gets down," said the sympathetic owner. "And I'll tell you what I do when my energy is down, I dance," he explained.

Cuban had a long pole installed in the Mavericks' locker room because, "I think dancing really helps get one in touch with his/her inner psychic energy vibrations." The owner insisted on dancing for the players in a seven minute strip tease routine to the sensuous sounds of R Kelly.

Cuban dressed only in a small bra and thong breathlessly stated, "Now, let's get out there and play Maverick basketball." Center Dirk Nowitzki agreed the strategy worked. "Yes, I'm energized watching Mark Cuban pole dance...it reminded me of my German roots and our love for dancing...have you ever seen the musical 'Caberet'?...wonderful energetic dancing...makes me want to go out and rebound, rebound, rebound," he said.

"Caberet" is a wonderful musical with some pretty slick dancing and it does help get the energy juices flowing in a natural kind of way.

New York, NY -- The New York Yankees announced yesterday that they will break with tradition and hire a woman to coach third base.

Veteran CBS anchor Katie Couric will be wearing "No. 1" and handling all of the base running chores at third. The unusual choice of Couric is not that unusual after Yankee slugger Alex Rodriguez admitted that "Katie Couric has guided my career."

Couric explained that Rodriguez has frequently consulted her about his career, contract advice, and help with his swing. "Last season he was dropping his shoulder and taking his eye off the ball so I said, 'Alex, keep you eye on the f***ing ball'," said Couric. Yankees President Hank Steinbrenner said, "I don't give a shit if she knows jack about baseball, she's like super cute and I want her like I wanted a Barbie doll as a young boy."

Steinbrenner continued explaining how he loved dolls as a youth but his father forbade him from collecting them, "fearing it would make me, you know, swishy." But Steinbrenner said, "With Couric coaching third, I'm living out one of my biggest fantasies."

Couric said that fans could bet on the Yankees being a running team this year. "I like squeezing an extra base out of a gapper almost as much as I like squeezing A-Rod's steroid ass," she smiled with those oh-so-cute dimples."

Damn, she is cute and we have to admit, when we were young we wanted to play with a doll just like her.

Albion, MI -- The man who developed and help popularize T-ball as an organized sport died on Friday.

93-year-old Jerome Sacharski died in Albion about 85 miles from Detroit where he was a teacher and a coach at in the town's public schools from 1951 until 1980. Sacharski had the idea that if 4 to 6 year-olds could hit a baseball on an adjustable "tee" then they could congregate with over emotionally involved parents for several hours of pure boredom a week. Sacharski thought back in 1953, "Hey, kids just out of potty training with a bat? Wow, that could really entertaining."

Albion police issued a statement saying that it is unclear if Sacharski died of natural causes or if they was foul play involved. "There's a lot of people who hate T-ball almost as much as they hate terrorism," said Detective Rich Tracy. "I've got to believe, as a former T-ball parent myself, that someone wanted this guy dead," he theorized.

One T-ball parent asked, "Can we bury the sport with him?" Longtime baseball commentator Rusty Haub said, "Now that we've closed Guantanomo Bay and have outlawed waterboarding, why not subject our enemies to several hours of T-Ball?"

We offer a prayer that God forgives Jerome Sacharski for this thing we call T-Ball.

New York, NY -- Grab your remote, set your TIVO for the new Shawn Kemp reality show on Fox.

The show pits the so-called Shawn Kemp "baby mommas" against each other vying for what's left of the ex-NBA players' money. Producer Tad Giglio, the creative genius behind the show, promises "laughs, laughs, more laughs, and maybe a tear or two."

You may remember Shawn Kemp, the former first round pick of the Seattle Super Sonics. Kemp became one of the premier high flying NBA players whose career eventually was handed over to massive amounts of cocaine binges. Aside from some hall of fame years in Seattle, cocaine addiction, and a sizable police rap sheet, Kemp is known for the large amount of children he fathered.

"Yeah, you could say I planted a lot of seeds, like you could call me Johnny Spermseed if you want," Kemp quipped. But Giglio had the foresight to turn Kemp's proclivity for reproduction into thirty minutes of compelling television. "We put all of Shawn Kemp's mommas in one room and they have to carve up what's left of his NBA salary...and what they don't know is it's only $7.68," he explained. Drama is sure to follow when Kemp, rather than check into drug rehab, tries a comeback with the LA Clippers.

Lawrence, KS -- A four-year-old spectator lost total emotional control the other night at the Kansas Jayhawks basketball game and had to be restrained by arena security.

Little Kenny Blingington was known before Thursday as just "your run of the mill normal cute as a button wanna pinch your cheeks" type of four-year-old. But no one knew what was brewing inside of Kenny for the last several months until the other night when Kenny screamed out, "I want to kill all of you!" Amazed spectators went from smiles to horror in just a millisecond followed by further threats and tears from Kenny.

Later with Kenny in police custody, a spokesperson released a statement saying, "We were very fortunate to avoid a disaster this evening...something snapped in little Kenny Blingington and we're just lucky he was stopped before he was allowed to go on a full rampage."

Police found Kenny came to the game with a full plan of attack. "His pockets were loaded with 'Gummy Bears' and a whole evening supply of 'Sour Patch Kids'...this kid meant business," said one police officer. "With more than 40 grams of sugar in his system and a chip on his shoulder against society, Kenny was ready for full carnage," he added.

School officials expressed amazement that a time bomb like this was walking around the campus and no one knew. "It's so important that if you see something suspicious (and 22 bags of candy is a warning) that you contact law enforcement," said crisis negotiator Barbara Walders. "We need to study the Kenny Blingingtons of the world instead of being lulled into a false sense of security...there's millions of Kennys out there just waiting," Walders warned.

Geneva, Switzerland -- The International Olympic Committee met secretly yesterday to decide on a resolution that will "forbid red headed white guys from all Olympic activity."

"Yeah, it's something we've been thinking about for awhile," said IOC spokesperson Diengus Fiengus. "These guys are just really annoying and we think the games will be better without them," he added.

There was an outpouring of support from the entire Olympic community. Representatives from over 47 countries cheered in unison when the news was made public. A Chinese representative commented, "We are very happy with the decision and if we had any white red headed Olympians on the Chinese team, we would imprison them and most likely execute them." Likewise the Greek IOC committee said, "A red headed Greek Olympic athlete, would have a lot of explaining to do."

Red headed white guys have banned together and plan a worldwide protest against the ban. One red headed white guy explained, "Yes there a several of us and yes we have no influence so I guess we oughta just go home and forget about the whole thing cause we're red headed white guys who no one likes."

However there was a piece of good news. The IOC said "Really hot good looking red headed women will still be allowed to participate in the Olympics."

Jockweb HQ -- ESPN sideline hottie Erin Andrews is filing suits against several internet websites that claimed she appeared in a sex tape with David Wright.

This rumor has been circulated on the web for several weeks now and Andrews is steamed because "it's not true." Jockweb CEO and hostage negotiator Shecky Sheckstein threw the complete resources of his global empire behind Andrews saying, "What?internet sites making up stuff that isn't true...that's a disgrace and let's put an end to it once and for all!"

Sheckstein added, "For the record there is no sex tape with Andrews and myself so don't go around spreading rumors like that because lots of innocent people get hurt." He continued, "I'm not saying I wouldn't be interested in possibly making a tape of some dirty stuff with Erin but to this date we haven't been able to get together."

Andrews may have said that she has never heard of Jockweb and would refuse to read it if she did hear of it and that if she was going to make a sex tape it probably wouldn't be with Sheckstein because who wants to make a sex tape with a guy like Sheckstein. Sheckstein was miffed because he said, "What? I'm not good enough for rumored sex tape with Erin Andrews?" "Alright forget about the whole thing," he fumed. "I'm pulling my support for EA and I will not, I repeat, I will NOT deny the rumors that I was in a sex tape with Erin Andrews!" he forcefully fininshed.

Do we really care about rumors of a sex tape with Erin Andrews and David Wright? No! We want to know how UT coach Bruce Pearl bags chicks like a horny grocer!

New Haven, CT -- Connecticut governor M. Jodi Rell fired UConn basketball coach after learning he made more money than her.

After Calhoun's tirade last week at freelance journalist Ken Krayeske where the coach dropped the word f*** over seven thousand times in one sentence, Gov. Rell found out that she was the second highest paid employee in the state. Krayeske questioned Calhoun about his $1.6 million salary and Calhoun said something like, "That's f***ing right, you heard f***ing right, I make 1.6 f***ing big one, and I'm the highest paid mother f***er in the state..."

Gov. Rell said yesterday, "Well guess what, he's f***ing history and I'm coaching the f***ing team from here on in, and he can run the state for less f***ing money!" Sources close to the program question if Rell can lead the Huskies to a national championship. She defiantly responded, "We got the big Hasheem Thawbet or Tabeet or whatever the f*** his name is, but shit what coaching do you need?"

Later basketball analyst Billy Packer brought up a point saying, "How come I'm not doing f***ing games for CBS anymore?" And he added, "I love that f***ing Mike Krajewski guy at Duke...really he oughta be the f***ing governor of Connecticut." Jim Calhoun could only say, "F***, f***, f*** you, you lousy mother f***er, and f*** basketball, and f*** everything cause what the f*** am I going to do now?"

New York, NY -- For years and years NFL commentator John Madden has been riding the country from game to game either by bus or train because of a fear of flying in airplanes.

Yesterday the nation learned that there has been a lot more going on on those trains and automobiles than film study. A man claimed on national television that "I am John Madden's love child."

A young burly man who calls himself John Madden Jr. told Maury Povich of the hard hitting news talk show, "Maury", "I want to get to know my Dad." Until now, the younger Madden said, "The only connection I've had with him is through a video game yet I still feel close to him."

The elder Madden denied the connection but sources close to the NFL have long speculated there may have been a romantic link between Madden and quarterback Brett Favre. One source said, "I think there is a very real possibility that John fathered a child with Brett."

Favre would not comment on the allegations but did say, "I think it's that time of year where I announce my retirement but don't you worry, I'll be playing in September."

Phoenix, AZ -- NBA Hall of Famer and TNT analyst Charles Barkley will have to spend five days in an Arizona jail as a result of his DUI arrest on New Year's Eve.

The infamous bust will be remembered for Barkley's announcement to police that he was speeding on his way to get oral sex from a very talented, "orally sexy woman." During the arrest Barkley offer to "tattoo" a cop's name on his ass if it would get him out of trouble.

Later Barkley had Officer William Ready's name tatooed on his posterior. Barkley saying in hindsight, "It might not have been a good idea to tattoo "Ready" on my ass." Barkley will do his time in the Lower Buckeye detention facility in Phoenix but the judge said yesterday, "You know just for fun we ought to send you to that Tent City Jail place where the inmates wear pink jumpsuits."

Barkley pleaded with the judge to reconsider saying, "Pink jump suit, Ready on my ass? Please can't I just spend a weekend with Isiah Thomas?" The judge winked and said, "Oh Charles, I feel turrible about the whole thing."

Glendale, AZ -- Chicago White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen boldly predicted that his team would make a run at the World Series if "we have a healthy Colon."

"If we have a Colon that doesn't get injured, it's going to be a good year because when your Colon is injured that is not good," explained Guillen. Baseball analyst Taggy McBag conferred with Guillen's observation saying, "You need a healthy Colon or forget it, it'll be a long season." He explained, "For the past few years they've been without a healthy Colon and look where it's gotten them."

Dr. Frederick Bowelsten, a Colon expert who knows absolutely nothing about baseball said, "You gotta be thinking fiber going into the season and you don't want a Colon acting up in those pennant chasing days in September." Bowelsten recommends a regular serving of oat bran and plenty of leafy vegetables because he recommends, "Sometimes we just take that Colon for granted but it needs your attention."

Will Bartolo Colon stay healthy? And ask yourself, "Am I doing all I can for my Colon?"

Provo, UT --A basketball showdown between Utah and Utah State was cancelled due to a mass exodus of fandom and players when a spectator undressed moments before the contest was to begin.

Fan Rex Tumbard removed his shirt and no one was sure why but almost immediately people in the stands began to feel sick and throw up. "It was just a f***ing mess," said arena facilities worker Snippy Clippers, "I've never seen so much puke in my life."

One spectator said, "You know it might have been a different story if he had a letter or a word spelled out on that f***ing huge, disgusting looking trunk but no, he just made us look at his white overstretched skin." Later Tumbard was removed from the arena and taken into custody. "We'll book him on just a regular public nuisance charge and hopefully the judge will at least force some liposuction," said a Provo police officer.

Witnesses close to the investigation say that Humbard is a "loner, who keeps to himself." Humbard's landlady said, "He was a quiet guy, kept to himself, I can't believe he was capable of something like this...you just never know." University President Dick Mormanguy said, "I just want to urged people that if they see someone suspicious that they notify authorities...if someone had just spoken up, this incident might have been prevented."

New York, NY -- Rapper Lil' Wayne told Jockweb yesterday that he will not tattoo the Jockweb logo on his ass.

The disappointing news arrived in the form of a Lil' Wayne email to Jockweb owner and global strategist Shecky Sheckstein. Earlier in the week Wayne was awarded a blogging opportunity with ESPN.com and has been appearing on the ESPN show "Around the Horn."

Wayne was so excited about the ESPN gig that he had "ESPN" tattooed on his arm. Sheckstein offered Wayne the entire Jockweb front page if Wayne would have the Jockweb name tattooed on his ass or some other remote region. Sadly Wayne has no room on his booty for any more ink. Sheckstein added, "What about when Lil Wayne becomes Big Wayne? Can you imagine the Jockweb logo on...oh never mind."

Wayne said he was flattered by the Sheckstein offer and admitted that "Jockweb is the place I get all of my information," but the disappointed hip-hopster added, "There's only so much ass to write on." Sheckstein said, "We will continue to search for a worthy ass for the Jockweb logo." "It's a great career move for anyone looking to promote their ass," he promised.

Fortunately, it didn't take us long to find another ass. Get the needle warmed-up, we've got artwork to do.

Washington, DC -- A member of the famed Harlem Globetrotters was released from jail on Thursday after an arrest on a domestic violence charge.

Eugene Edgerson was released from jail after he was jailed for allegedly assaulting his wife by pulling her hair. "It was an old Globetrotter routine," explained Edgerson. "One guy yanks the bitch's hair and the other dunks the ball while she's not looking, it's f***ing hilarious and audiences love it," he added.

Police watched old Globetrotter footage to see if they could catch the routine and add credibility to Edgerson's story. "Absolutely, legendary Meadowlark Lemon used to take off comic foil, Red Klotz's toupee and the effect was hilarious," explained longtime Globetrotter fan Clarence Rutherford.

Edgerson said, "Yeah it's that f***in Red Klotz's fault and that stupid Washington Generals team that we always beat." Defending his actions he said, "We don't play real basketball with the Globetrotters and that can get a fella really mad...now that I smacked my bitch, do you think there's a spot for me in the NBA?"

New York, NY -- The entire dog show world was rocked yesterday with the revelation that NFL running back Ricky Williams took first place in last week's Westminster Kennel Club Show.

Williams, the on again, off again pro football player explained later that, "I like dogs better than people so I'm just hanging at the show with some canine friends when all of a sudden I'm declared the winner...I'm shocked, proud, and honored to take the blue ribbon in the 'long-haired category.'"

The mishap was discovered only when the results of contestants' urine tests were made public. "The red flag popped up when we found incredible amounts of marijuana chemical THC in one sample and all evidence pointed to Ricky," said show president Blake Cameron. "It was a masterful disguise but in the end, our drug testing system worked," he added.

Williams apologized for the misunderstanding and said he would retreat to the Himalayan mountains to commune and smoke weed with a pack of wild but meditative Afgan hounds. Williams did not rule out another show, "maybe next time in Canada."

Show organizers are demanding he return the ribbon, the first place cash prize, and the year long supply of Ben-e-ful that he walked away with.

Indianapolis, IN -- Grab something to hold onto, the NFL Combine began today sending veteran ESPN analyst Mel Kiper into an orgasmic frenzy.

For those of you who like self-inflicted pain similar to ingesting apples stuffed with razor blades or ramming a screwdriver up your ass, you may want to tune into the NFL Network's continual coverage of this incredibly mundane event.

However, those of you who may pine for some genuine vicarious sexual pleasure, may want to watch ESPN draft expert Mel Kiper engage in what he called, "pre-draft day foreplay." "Watching Kiper do the Combine is better than watching porn," said Jockweb football expert Fred Collingdale. "In fact, whenever I watch porn I get caught by my wife, so pleasuring myself to the tune of Mel Kiper's voice is just plain safer."

Kiper admits he saves his best energy for the actual draft day itself, but says "I'm not beyond some pre-mature self-fondling when it comes to the Combine, because it's just so damn exciting!" Kiper said, "Even after all these years, my guy is standing at attention come Combine time...all it takes is a couple of burly linemen doing a 40 yd. dash, and I'm hot."

Do yourself a favor, grab a beer, turn the lights down low, and watch Mel Kiper breakdown inane football statistics. You'll totally bluff your wife.

Minneapolis, MN -- Yes, the sad stories about former NFL players with debilitating health problems just keep coming and they have barely enough money to buy a loaf of bread.

And the news doesn't get any better when the tax year ends and we find out that the Gridiron Greats Assistance Fund collected $14 from the current rosters of NFL players. In actuality, only about 1% of the players donated to the fund this year, which is less than last year, and that included the participants in the Super Bowl.

Former players, now in their 50's banded together in the last several weeks and began moving in on the Girl Scout cookie trade. One unnamed linebacker explained, "I'm sick and tired of limping from my car to the supermarket only to find a couple of Brownies whining in my face about thin mints and dosie-dohs." Several players took matters into their own hands and tossed the Brownies from a table and began selling the cookies.

"It's damn lucrative," said one ex-Cincinnati Bengal, "and I'll tell you what, those brownies put up a damn good fight for the table." Missy Tribelu, a Brownie and three-year cookie sale veteran, said, "These old bastards want to play hard ball? Wait till they get home and try to find their Cialis!"

Former NFL great O.J. Simpson promised, "Brownie trouble...I can take care of that!"

New Alexandria, PA -- Super Bowl champion kicker Jeff Reed of the Pittsburgh Steelers was arrested over the weekend and charged with criminal mischief after allegedly damaging a towel dispenser inside the men's room at a Sheetz gas station.

Reed apparently became infuriated when the dispenser did not contain paper towels and proceeded to try and rip the dispenser from the wall. Later Reed explained, "My hands were wet and what was I to do, wipe my hands on my pants?" "If you have ever had wet hands and there's no paper towels, a fella can really get out of sorts," he continued.

Later several employees of the Sheetz gas station and convenience store were interviewed and one commented, "Like he could have said something like 'Sheetz' real loud instead of rippin' the thang off the wall." Another bystander said, "It was pure animal rage inside a public lavatory and for as long as I live I will never see a kicker with that much raw emotion."

U.S. Senator Larry Craig, no stranger to public men's room expressed regret saying, "Oh, if only I was there, I could have maybe sent him some hand signals or something...had he only stepped into a stall with me, this whole horrible nightmare could have been avoided."

This could either be Jeff Reed's fingerprint on a destroyed paper towel dispenser or Senator Larry Craig's imprint on Jeff Reed's ass. The investigation will continue.

London, England -- A former model wants to be the first woman boxer to fight for Britain at the Olympics but the sad news is she can because she has breast implants.

We're okay with the ban, without the ban, but for Pete's sake, can't we just let her wrestle with someone? We'll pick up any of the damages!

Las Vegas, NV -- The UNLV basketball program made a surprise announcement yesterday when they introduced Hank Pallmutter as their prize 2009 recruit.

Pallmutter is 5'9'' and weighs a stocky 210 lbs. He was not on any recruiting services' radar because as one college scout said, "He's slow, can't jump, can't shoot, can't handle the ball, and just can't do anything related to basketball." However Pallmutter is a very bright 40-year-old with 5 years of eligibility and UNLV coach Lon Kruger explained, "We think he can break 1200 on the SAT's which is huge for us."

Kruger's plan is that a high Pallmutter SAT can boost the team average up into the "high 500's" and as former coach Jerry Tarkanian commented, "That's Nobel Prize numbers for a UNLV team." Tarkanian, long suspected of recruiting illiterate thugs added, "I'm really disappointed in the direction of the program...illiterate thugs are what make college basketball the game it is!"

Pallmutter said that he was excited about having a second chance to play college sports. "I can't wait to sell some drugs, steal a car, assault a woman...gee college and college sports are FUN!" he yelled. Kruger said, "It's going to be a challenge for him with brains and without a criminal record."

Pallmutter is only hoping that he's not used and then thrown away after outliving his usefulness to the program.

Baltimore, MD -- Former heavyweight champ Mike Tyson inked a deal yesterday that will bring him back on his long comeback trail for a universal ounce of respect.

"I want like I'm a fighter and like I'm not like like man man like like man...oh shit, like man I can't form, man you know," he stammered as he tried to form a complete thought. Later Tyson admitted that maybe there is a connection between sentence construction and boxing. Tyson in flash of insight said, "Yes, I believer they are negatively like man correlated."

Tyson will fight 24-year-old Becky Fabersham of Mount Holyoke, Mass. Fabersham has no previous fight experience didn't seem to be afraid. "I'll taunt him with a nice pair of earrings and when he tries to move in to eat my ear, I'll kick him in the nuts," said Fabersham. Longtime boxing analyst Ferd Crachenko said, "She's never been in the ring but she understands how to fight and I think she's devised a brilliant strategy to lure Mike."

Tyson promised to be ready for the fight saying, "I'm hungry and she looks good enough to eat so I may try my new boa constrictor thing where I choke her and then swallow her whole then I won't be hungry for like another six months."

Mount Pleasant, MI -- A former member of the Central Michigan women's basketball team is suing the school claiming that she lost her scholarship because of her coach's "heterophobia."

Can we please leave these heterosexuals alone and so they may take their pants off without fear of anyone yelling, "I hate penises!"?

New York, NY -- The Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show took place on Monday and to no one's surprise, allegations about steroid use surfaced again.

For the fifth year in a row, several champion purebreds are suspecting of dabbling in banned performance enhancing substances. Veteran trainer Don Kibble expressed dismay saying, "Drugs are ruining this sport and the pressure on these dogs to compete is just too damn much... it's high time we started educating our younger puppies about the dangers of steroid usage."

Winning cocker spaniel "Stump" weighed in a 276 pounds which is a good 235 pounds over the normal sized breed. "Stump is just sculpted," observed dog lover Harvey Firestone, "but his physique just isn't possible without some outside help." After leaving the winner's stand, Stump went into a rage, humping legs indiscriminately before killing his wife, children, and then taking a gun and shooting several bystanders.

"Stump is out of f***ing control," said journalist Jake Alposari, who has covered the show for the last twenty years. "For chrissakes he's a cocker spaniel and he's intimidating the entire canine establishment. Alposari added, "I blame the commissioner of organized dog shows who has let this shit go on for years while pretending the sport was clean."

Stump, the 10 year-old Spaniel has been linked romantically to pop star Madonna but says the two are just good friends.

New York, NY -- The much anticipated Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue is about the hit newstands any moment but the real buzz has been about the leaked images from their highly secretive swimsuit "reunion" issue.

"We just thought it would be a nifty idea to get some of the veteran swimsuit models back for one of those 'What Are They Up To Now?' issues," said editor Harve Yardley. "So we called Christy, Cheryl, and Tyra and they thought it would be cool to get the gals together and the rest just fell into place," he explained.

However some jerk within the organization released some picture on the Internet and now the surprise is ruined. "It won't hurt sales," said Yardley, "and this isn't about sales, it's about celebrating womanhood, and as a premier sports journal we want just don't want to exploit women, we want to show what happens to the women we exploit."

"Yes, God is very cruel," said Cheryl Tiegs, perhaps the one model who has taken the biggest hit by mother nature. "Yes, even with my own line of cosmetics, mother nature has been a mother f***er." "The lesson is that 15 minutes of fame that everyone talks about, is really only about a minute then you age into some sort of turd," she lamented.

Las Vegas, NV -- Former Ultimate Fighter badboy and resident bad, bad, bad ass Jon Koppenhaver, who goes by the nickname War Machine, was arrested by police after getting into a tussle at the Krave Nightclub.

Koppenhaver was incensed when his waiter brought his cocktail to the table with no swizzle stick. "I like to suck my drink through a swizzle stick," screamed Koppenhaver as he ordered another double mint julep. "What kind of name is Koppenhaver?" he responded to a waiter who made fun of his name. He then did an ultimate bitch slap to the waiter's face screaming, "Does that sound Koppenhaver bad ass enough?"

The Krave is a establishment that is sometimes described as "gay" so it looks like the bad, bad, badass War Machine was in a fight at a gay bar. What this means for Ultimate Fighting is anyone's guess but already people are wondering in just which direction the sport is heading.

"Should we have Ultimate Tussle where really tough guys just sort of, tussle?" asked veteran fighter Love Not War. "I mean I think a good tussle is very fun to watch not to mention somewhat sensual," he added.

War Machine himself defiantly screamed as he was handcuffed by police, "I'm ready to tussle with anyone, anywhere, for anything! Oh and by the way, don't forget the swizzle stick."

This tussling can very become very homoerotic if you like that kind of thing. And chances are if you like this sort of thing, you're sucking on a swizzle stick.

New York, NY -- A report that links New York Yankees infielder Alex Rodriguez to steroid use was leaked to the news media yesterday.

In 2003, when A-Rod won the AL Most Valuable Player award with the Texas Rangers, Rodriguez tested positive for two anabolic steroids. Sources close to other sources who are really close to some other sources who knew some guys who were close the some really good sources said, "Yep, he did it."

The so-called "Report" also points to Rodriguez having numerous affairs with "ugly women." The confidential report filed with the MLB Players' Association supposedly says something like, "Not only was A-Rod jacked up on testosterone which enabled him to win the home run crown, he was also running around with some ugly women and we're not talking Madonna either."

A confidential inside baseball guy said, "Now here a guy with a lot of money and a pretty hot wife, don't you think a MVP trophy and a trophy wife is more than most guys dream about...and here's this A-Hole A-Rod A-Whatever running around with some pretty sub-standard beeve...I hope he goes to jail and is forced to have relations with Barry Bonds."

The question that remains for the remainder of the investigation, who is this confidential inside baseball guy and yes, what is with A-Rod and his taste in women?

Again, this is just some sketchy information that we got from a friend of a friend of a friend. As usual, be very skeptical of what you read here.

New York, NY -- A study by the Center for Finding Something to do on Sundays revealed that diving is the most popular sport among gay males.

"We have no idea why," said Center director Dr. Felix Byonewhistle. "It's baffling and for the life of me, I can't figure it out," he explained. The study looked at a 50 male sample. Each male was watched continuously during the Summer Olympic games diving competition. "We watched them carefully and it seemed like they really liked it so we concluded they must like it a whole lot better than let's say cricket," the study reads.

Longtime gay guy expert Tad Strait said, "I'm baffled and I've got no explanation...it's only diving...you would figure maybe wrestling, mabye paired men figure skating, but diving? I have no explanation."

Exercise guru and sometime cultural commentator Richard Simmons said, "Come on, it's diving...wow just take one look...diving...wow, I love diving...everyone altogether now, bend over and try and touch your genitals with your lips...work that neck and back...oooooohhhhh yeah now we've got a sport!"

Phoenix, AZ -- If you thought the NBA All-Star weekend couldn't reach higher as the pinnacle of sporting entertainment, think again.

The league office announced that they would be adding a "HORSE" competition to the festivities. NBA commissioner David Stern said at his daily press conference, "I love HORSE and I have a great shot that I do with my wife where she bounces a ball off of my little head then she jumps and throws it down...it's an automatic 'h' for the other guy."

GEICO the insurance giant will be sponsoring the event and said that it had big plans to expand the HORSE into other words. "We'd like to play THUGS, DRUGS, HO'S, and BITCHES and run the little gecko in between breaks for a few hours." Stern agreed that it should just be pure "THUGS, DRUGS, HO'S and BITCHES," and added, "Jees that would make a great board game too, don't you think?...let's call Milton Bradley."

"This is a giant step for the NBA," said analyst Charles Barkley, "but is anyone interested in playing a game of BLOW-JOB?"

You could watch a game of HORSE in Phoenix and then go to a strip club and watch Pacman Jones shoot someone...now there's a weekend of prime-time fun.

Baltimore, MD -- Olympic hero Michael Phelps' good luck just seems to grow and grow.

After making headlines earlier in the week for being photographed smoking marijuana from a water-pipe, Phelps grabbed several new endorsements. Kellogg's of Battle Creek, the largest cereal maker in the world decided to drop Phelps from the Corn Flakes box cover. Kellogg spokesperson Lindy Bunchoates explained, "If we're gonna have Phelps on Corn Flakes then we ought to put Snoop Dog on Alpha Bits." Snoop Dog responded to the snide comment by saying, "You put my picture on that cereal box, the little children are gonna be spelling out 'booty' with their bits."

Phelps' agent told reporters later that offers have been pouring in for Phelps. "Duncan Hines wants to put his picture on a brownies box for God's sake and Subway wants to begin a 'Smoke More Shit, Eat A Whole Lot More Fresh Shit' campaign with Michael and Jerold getting stoned." "I got news for you," he added, "if that fat guy wants to lose some weight, he just has to hang with Mike and get high and swim."

The International Olympic Committee responded to the "pot picture" by suspending Phelps from the 2009 Olympic games. "We mean business," said IOC committeeman Chester McDuff, "Michael will just have to chill for a few days until people forget and we can get the Phelps machine up and running again."

Phelps will appear with this female Olympic swimmer for a new Clove Smokes rolling papers ad campaign.

Wichita, KS -- A local Kansas school board told a winning high school basketball coach that he must stop hypnotizing his players.

The coach began hypnotizing players two years ago when it seem his losing team lacked focus and concentration. Sure enough the hypnotism worked and the team began winning. However some parents became concerned that having a man put young boys in an unconscious state might not be prudent.

School superintendent Harvey Wahlklanger said, "The boys went through a 45-minute private session with the coach behind closed doors so we're pretty damn sure they weren't just working on pick and rolls." The coach was dumbfounded by the accusation that maybe the sessions were "inappropriate."

Coach Larry Gitzferald asked, "What? You think that me hypnotizing a 16-year-old boy behind closed doors is inappropriate? I don't get it!" Players interviewed said they were very pleased with the results and "obviously after an hour of hypnotism, we don't remember anything, like we don't remember one single thing that took place...it's just amazing."

Senator Larry Craig of Oregon asked the school board, "How would like to have a U.S. Senator coach your basketball team? Have I ever shown you my secret hand signals?"

If you step into a locker room and this guy is the coach, don't! we repeat don't! let him hypnotize you.

Baltimore, MD -- The Baltimore Orioles continued their hectic off-season on Tuesday when they signed reserve infielder Ty Willingham to a two-year contract.

The acquisition of Willingham comes one day after the team traded fro starter Rich Hill. Orioles president of baseball operations Andy MacPhail declined to comment about the move because he was in the middle of a root canal while reporters asked for the comment.

MacPhail could only muster a "arrrhhhgggg...laaaaawwwwwwoooohhhh." However one source close to the deal asked, "Don't you think maybe they were trying to sign Ty Wigginton and signed Ty Willingham by mistake?"

Willingham, the fired University of Washington football coach has no previous baseball experience but said, "I really appreciate you Baltimore guys cause I've been fired twice in the last few years and like I had noooooo prospects."

Manager Dave Trembley said, "F***, I think they signed the wrong f***ing guy!" "Who the f*** is running this f***ing team that doesn't know the difference between Ty Willingham and Ty Wigginton?" he shouted. Even Ty Willingham was a bit surprised to find out his name was Willingham. He sighed, "And all this time I thought I was Ty Wigginton...cheese and crackers, what a stupid mistake!"

In a related incident, former Orioles slugger Cal Ripken Jr. mistook his wife Kelly Ripken (l) for Kelly Ripa (r). You can see how these things happen.

Atlanta, GA -- The Center for Disease Control announced today that they have discovered the cause of a rare but predictable flu bug which affected a huge part of the country following the Super Bowl.

Dr. Wayne Byer said that doctors were baffled at the sudden influx of patients into hospitals following the halftime portion of Sunday's telecast. After careful scrutiny, doctors eliminated tainted food, Bruce Springsteen, and John Madden's stuttering as causes of the countrywide outbreak. "We concluded that it was the Matt Millen segment that made flu-like symptoms appears immediately after the second half kickoff.

Patients flocked to emergency rooms complaining of headache, diarrhea, and the desire to shoot someone with a revolver. "It was classic M-ill-en flu," explained Dr. Byer. Some patients reported an actual complete withdrawal from watching football and NBC in particular. Byer said oftentimes, a mass epidemic results when a network gives a microphone to someone with no credibility.

"It's sort of like asking O.J. to give the invocation at a Glove Salesmen's Convention," said Byers. "It was just completely irresponsible on the part of NBC," said Dr. Jack Kevorkian as he injected several suicidal Detroiters.

Athens, Greece -- Greek Olympic power walking champion Anthios Stavrolos was in the news again yesterday after allegations surfaced that banned performance enhancement substances were found in his urine.

Investigators from the World Doping Organization found traces of kalamata olives in a recent test. "It's common knowledge in the power walking community that Stavrolos is addicted to kalamata olives," said longtime journalist Rex Pemento. Stavrolos, the holder of six power walking championships, said, "Hey, I'm Greek, you expect me not to eat olives?"

Pemento added, "We're just scratching the surface of a very ugly underbelly of a sport which has grown comfortable with a pristine image." "I know people say, 'they're just walking...what's the big deal?' but they're just not walking, they're power walking." Walking expert Hank Nedley agreed, "These are premier athletes who walk very fast and with power and they're looking for any advantage they can get even if it is a few kalamata olives." Nedley explained that the kalamata olive is a "very tasty but be forewarned, salty olive which goes well with a tangy cheese and red wine."

"The sad part about the whole thing is it disappoints the kids who look up to power walkers like Stavrolos," said power walker commentator Frank Diford. Little Gregorios Kanthakantos, a ten-year-old fan said in Greek, "I very sad about the whole thing because I look up to power walkers like Stavrolos...but I still love him even if he eats illegal olives and some day, I will walk very fast and with power like Anthios."

Stavrolos and two teammates pose after a demanding power walk with light handweights.

Baltimore, MD -- Olympic gold medalist and Sportsman of the Year Michael Phelps escaped some potential "hot water" yesterday when he clarified exactly what he was doing when photographed with a water pipe.

To the casual observer, the picture made it seem that Phelps was engaging in the act of smoking marijuana but the swimmer said, "No way, I was training." Phelps explained that the best way to improve your breathing under water is to practice with a water pipe.

"Most great swimmers train with a water pipe," said Phelps. Phelps credits his water pipe and his "Grateful Dead" CD collection for his Beijing success. "I personally want to say that Jerry Garcia knew more about swim training than anyone I ever met," said Phelps about the deceased band member turned water pipe training expert.

Phelps added, "I did not inhale when I trained and I did not have sex with that woman." Phelps denied that former President Bill Clinton has joined his training team. Clinton commented, "Michael Phelps and I could do some damage together, know what I mean?"

Annapolis, MD -- The football coaches at West Point are smarting this morning after learning that coveted 4-year-old Freddy Thornbusch has made an oral commitment to play football for the Naval Academy.

Thornbusch, who dominated the Havre de Grace youth flag football league this year, could not find the words to describe how he felt because he's only four and he hasn't not developed language skills to express himself adequately. But his proud father spoke for him saying, "It's not too early to lock up his career and we feel this is the best direction for Freddy."

Experts are concerned that college athletic programs are digging deeper and deeper into the talent pool and pressuring children to commit too early to an athletic specialty. "It's a competitive marketplace," says ESPN analyst Mel Kiper, "and when you see a young quarterback like Freddy, you got to think about 2019."

However some child psychologists fear that colleges are going too far down the food chain in their recruiting wars. "I understand when you're talking about a Freddy Thornbusch, who ran for 16 TD's and threw for 20 in a very competitive 4-5 year old division, that there's a temptation to do a recruiting deal but some kids like Freddy are not potty trained yet," said longtime football coach Lou Holdzy. He added, "I think Freddy is the real deal but let's be realistic, until he knows his numbers and ABC's, he won't understand signal calling."

Freddy's dad, Freddy Sr. beamed, "Look, my kid is a stud and there are tons of chicks calling the house asking for Freddy...and guess what...my name is Freddy."