JockWeb Sports Source

Gonadsburgh, CA -- The world's top swimsuit manufacturers are slugging it out over who gets the nod as the official Olympic swimsuit in Beijing this summer.

Both Speedo and TYR claim to have the premier suit which reduces friction and drag in the water which shaves microseconds off of pool times. Speedo's new LZR racer suit seems to be the favorite among swimmers and has been endorsed by the U.S. swimming coach. TYR has filed suit saying that the U.S team breached it's contract when earlier this year since it had been using TYR's Tracer Rise suit.

Speedo with the help of NASA engineers has developed it's "Squeezed Balls" technology in it's new suit. "Think of have your balls put in a set of vice-grips," said one designer, "and that's the idea behind our suit." He explained, "Having your balls squeezed just makes you swim faster." One swimmer said in a falsetto voice, "Those NASA engineers can figure out anything... can I take this suit off now?"

TYR claims, "We've got a high rise suit so we think American sports fans want to see a thong like look which accents thighs and ass and, really, who cares about pool records?"

Judge Harvey Crackenbush will decide the case this week in small claims court. The rumor mill says that Crackenbush is leaning towards a classic "King Solomon" compromise where "Speedo can squeeze the balls of the men swimmers where TYR can treat us with the high rise woman's suit." One coach said, "That is a win-win situation if there ever was one."

Walktalkslow, MS -- Brett Favre said yesterday, "I'm not tired anymore, let's play football," and with that returned to the Green Bay Packers family.

Favre said earlier this year that "I'm just plain awful tired and I don't want to play football anymore." But after the announcement Favre went home and slept. In fact he slept and slept and slept to the point where his wife was convinced he was dead. "We buried him and it was all very sad but not as sad as at his retirement press conferences," said Favre's wife, Becky Sue. "But he's alive again and it's a miracle and are you ready for this, he's going to play football again, praise Jesus!"

The quarterback faced reporter with a six-month beard growth and said, "I woke up in a coffin and I said to myself 'I must be dead' but I'm not and I'm coming out of retirement again and then I'm going to retire again and cry real tears cause every time I retire I get sad and want to cry but then I come back and I figure I can keep going on doing this till the day I really die."

Packers coach Mike McCarthy said, "I hope he never dies cause I just want to keep going on with retirement press conferences forever and ever." Several Packers decided it was time for them to un-retire. Old timer Bart Starr said, "I'm 72 and I got some gas in the old tank and at $4.19 a gallon that'll out get me to a 7-11 for a cup of java." Dead Packer Max Magee commented, "I'm gonna un-retire too cause being dead is like doing nothing everyday." Several other dead Packers said, "If we all came back to life and un-retired, we'd have a hellava team." Even dead Packer coach Vince Lombardi said, "Being dead isn't everything it's the only thing."

Have you thought about your impending demise lately? It's never too early to start planning. Remember you can always come back to play for the Packers.

New York, NY -- The NBA announced yesterday that they are hiring a United States Army general to clean up their referee operations.

Ronald Johnson, a two-star general who recently retired as deputy commanding general of the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers, will be responsible for all aspects of the NBA's officiating functions. The announcement of the new position comes in light of the scandal involving former ref Tim Donaghy.

Johnson wasted no time getting acclimated to his new role and mobilized the 100 or so refs into what he describes as "a crackerjack elite team of commandos with whistles." "We're deploying them tomorrow to Iraq where they'll be responsible for a lot of personal fouling going on between Shites and Sunnis," explained Johnson.

In addition, Johnson hinted that the new ref force will actively try to depose Dallas Maverick owner Mark Cuban. "The people of Dallas for too long have suffered under the totalitarian rule of a Cuban," explained Johnson. "We have a known Cuban Communist ruling Dallas with a iron fist," emphasized the General, "and his days are numbered."

Utilizing his Army Corps of Engineers' skill set, Johnson said he also planned to use NBA refs to rebuild the entire country's infrastructure of damns and bridges. "They've got a ton of time on their hands between games," barked the General.

Today, referee Joey Crawford built this nifty canal on the Mississippi River. "I'm more than just a cranky ref," said Crawford.

Indianapolis, IN -- Indiana University president Michael McRobbie told an NCAA committee that the University "will not hire Kelvin Sampson to coach the team under my watch."

McRobbie told an NCAA infractions committee that, "You guys can count on me not to hire Sampson because I just have this inkling that the guy can't be trusted." The text of McRobbie's comments was released on Monday by the university under a public records request. "I think that judging how he behaved at Oklahoma that's it's pretty gosh darn clear that this guy poses a risk for all Hoosiers," emphatically said McRobbie.

McRobbie, who served in the Bush White House as a foreign policy advisor before coming to IU, said that he plans to take his time and really think his decision through. Later McRobbie was told that Indiana had already fired and hired Sampson and had replaced him with Tom Crean. "That's a bad idea," said McRobbie, "I don't like the name Crean, I once had the snot kicked out of me by a fellow named Crean." McRobbie went further with his comments saying, "I really believe that with Sampson's past history with illegal phone calls, we could be facing the very same issue if we hire him."

McRobbie, who has been criticized by colleagues for being out of touch and for stating the obvious, added, "And I'll tell you one more thing, we've got a great coach in Coach Knight and he runs a clean, outstanding program." Later McRobbie was informed that Knight left years ago and Sampson had taken a job as an assistant coach for the Milwaukee Bucks. McRobbie assured the committee, "We won't be playing the University of Milwaukee Bucks under my watch, either."

Sampson (lower right) said, "I just want to forget the whole Indiana thing and move on with my life."

Morgantown, WV -- West Virginia President Mike Garrison said in a deposition that former football coach Rich Rodriguez became "very distraught" in a private meeting the night before he resigned and accepted the top job at Michigan.

"He was crying profusely because of the harsh public criticism after he lost a shot at a national championship," explained Garrison. "At one point he just said, 'Mike, can you just hold me?' which I thought at the time, 'Wow, if someone walks in and I'm holding our football coach, there's going to be some questions to answer.'"

As part of the $4 million lawsuit the university has filed over a buyout clause in Rodriguez's contract, Garrison testified that in a tense meeting in December, "I raised my voice so loud I made Rich Rodriguez cry and he begged me not to spank him." Garrison admitted, "I did spank him because I thought at the time he deserved a good spanking for leaving for Michigan."

Rodriguez told the court that, "I don't like to be spanked and yes, I do cry when I am spanked." Garrison said that after he did spank Rodriguez, the former coach whimpered and then sucked his thumb. The coach admitted, "I do suck my thumb occasionally because I find sucking my thumb to be very soothing." Garrison said, "IF we don't get the $4 mil back that he owes us, he's going to be sucking on more than his thumb and believe me, I'm going to get my $4 mil's worth."

Rodriguez in the preliminary thumb sucking stage during a tough post-game press conference.

Kansas City, MO -- Elian Gonzales, one of the most famous Cuban refugees of all-time, inked a deal yesterday to play centerfield for the lowly Kansas City Royals.

Gonzales made a perilous crossing to the United States in 2000 only to be returned to Cuba by then Attorney General Janet Reno because he was an illegal immigrant. The incident caused an international embarrassment for the United States when federal agents put Gonzales on a plane at gunpoint. Gonzales recently made the news again when as a 14-year-old boy, he officially joined the Communist Party in his native homeland. However, despite being signed by the Communist Party, the Royals say he will play for them instead.

"I'm a pinko Commie," said Elian, "but I want to be a Royal too." "I think I can help the club and I'm a propagandist's dream child," he added.

"He covers a lot of ground in center for a young kid and anyone who can cross an ocean in a dinghy can play for the Royals," said GM Adeste Fidelis. "We're a small market franchise without a lot of money to spend so signing Communists is a great idea," explained Fidelis. But the Royals may have gotten themselves in the middle of an international dispute by signing Gonzales. Communist Party chief Raul Castro commented, "Did you ever realize that Kansas City isn't in Kansas? What the f*** is that about?"

Gonzales' agent Drew Rosenhaus said, "I really believe that I would do very well under a Communist system because I'm just one of those agent pricks that no one likes." "I can screw people under any form of government," Rosenhaus added.

Gonzales joked, "After facing the U.S. Government, do you really think I'm afraid of Randy Johnson's curve?"

Eugene, OR -- Sprinter Marshevet Hooker, with some help from the wind, joined track history on Friday by running a 10.76 second 100-meter quarterfinal at the U.S. Olympic track and field trials.

It was the first time a hooker had won a major track championship in the history of the sport. "You don't see a lot of hookers in track," said longtime track observer and actor, Hugh Grant. "But definitely, I'm going to be coming at more track meets, I mean coming to more track meets," added Grant. Actor Eddie Murphy also weighed in saying, "I love hookers but I don't think I want a fast one." He explained, "If you're paying a lot of money for a hooker, you want to get a full hour not 10.76 seconds."

Former New York governor Eliot Spitzer denied ever running with Hooker. He suggested, "As a former governor, I think we should mobilize our hookers and get them all out for the U.S. Olympic thing because it's the American thing to do." Infamous hooker lover, Bill Clinton could only say, "Get me down to a track, anywhere, like right now." He told a group of small children, "Track is a great sport to consider and anytime you have a chance to mix sports with hookers, then by all means, go for it."

Hooker, immediately after the race, said breathlessly, "Alright already can we stop with the hooker jokes."

Actor Hugh Grant was arrested after soliciting hookers at a track meet yesterday. Hugh, we're sorry, We were only joking about the hooker thing.

Sofia, Bulgaria -- The Bulgarian weightlifting team was told yesterday that they would not be allowed to compete in this year's Olympics after 11 team members tested positive for illegal performance enhancement substances.

8 males and 3 females will be suspended for two years and IOC released their names yesterday. Female weightlifter Donka Mincheva said, "This is total bullshit...I am Bulgarian woman who can kick man asses...who needs steroids?" Ivan Stoitsov agreed saying, "Yes, all Bulgarian women are huge and yes, they can kick our ass so we have to take steroids to fight our women."

Bulgarian coach Molatov Cocktail denied that his team was doing anything illegal. "They were tested after eating good Bulgarian food and then we hear nonsense..." One confidential source revealed that the weightlifters did submit urine samples after loading up on a dish of "Bulgarian Rhodopean Moussaka." Cocktail said, "I got news for you, you eat a bowl of BRM and you'll shit for a week, never mind what makes it's way into your urine."

If you are interested in trying Bulgarian Rhodopean Moussaka you will need the following ingredients:

3/4 lb lean ground chuck
1/2 lb lean ground pork butt
4 cups 1/2-inch cut peeled potato cubes
1 large onion fine chop
1/3 cup crushed garlic
3 large fresh tomato fine chop
4 large eggs (beaten)
1/2 cup feta cheese
1 1/2 cup plain yogurt
1/2 cup fresh chopped parsley
1 Tsp fresh chopped oregano or chubritza (see note below)
3 Tsps flour
4 Tsps cooking oil
1/2 cup chopped green onion
Salt and pepper to taste

*Don't forget to add the steroids.

Instructions:

1. In a deep skillet, brown ground meat together in oil.
2. Add onion, garlic, oregano, salt and pepper, cook for 5 more minutes.
3. While this is cooking, mix eggs, yogurt, feta, and flour,well.
4. Mix ground meat, potato, tomato, parsley together.
5. Place in baking dish, and pour egg mixture over top.
6. Sprinkle green onion on top

*Add steroids here.
7. Bake for 1-hr covered at 350 deg.Then 1/2-hr uncovered.
8. Let rest for 10 minutes before serving.

Now eat. Feel like a big, Bulgarian female weightlifter? You're now ready for the Olympics! Opps, sorry, you're busted, you f***ing cheat!

Note:

You can use chubritza instead of oregano. ( much better ) Serve with a mayonaise based cucumber salad, and boiled carrots.

If you live in the US, you can order chubritza online - Chubritza Shop. Most importantly, do not get tested for a sporting event or a big, important job because this chubritza shit is bad news.

You'll fail any type of drug test besides having really bad indigestion. You will need to wear adult diapers and you will disgrace your country On second thought, skip this whole idea and order some Chinese take-out.

Los Angeles, CA -- Former heavyweight champion Mike Tyson was pulled over yesterday in a routine traffic stop for speeding. Tyson was driving 155mph through a school zone because he said, "Schools ain't be good to me so I ain't be good to them."

Moments after police stopped Tyson and Tyson failed to produce registration for the car or a driver's license, police became suspicious that Iron Mike might be high on drugs or carrying contraband in the car. 24 LAPD officers beat Tyson senseless because as one officer explained, "Some passerby had a video camera and we hate to disappoint anyone."

Police heard what appeared to be knocking coming from the trunk of the car. Lo and behold when the cops popped the trunk two mildly attractive females were being stored by Tyson. "Imagine our surprise when we're expecting to find several pounds of marijuana and we find pounds of hot women," said one officer. "All of a sudden, it's great stop," he continued.

Tyson defended his actions saying, "It's like 'Goodfellas' except I didn't kill'em...why don't we make a movie called 'Goodchicks' or something?" The girls were unharmed and said they had been treated very well by Tyson. "He still has money, right?" asked one of the women. "We were pretty sure when we went up to him at the bar and asked if he wanted sex, that even though he's over 45, he's still got a few HBO fights left in him," philosophized the one girl.

Later everyone shook hands and police released Tyson because "he's really a sweet kid."

The women said they never rode in a Mercedes before and said they couldn't understand why the big hype over German engineering.

Phoenix, AZ --Rapper, sheriff, and NBA star Shaquille O'Neal was named the new Phoenix Chief of Police.

After O'Neal released his latest rap about former teammate Kobe Bryant, the town fathers agreed that "we need this kind of forward thinking in law enforcement." O'Neal rapped to reporters about how his plans to crack down on the rising crime rates in the city.

Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio, long a O'Neal patron, said, "We need to bring rap to law enforcement because it is an underutilized but effective crime fighting tool." O'Neal promised that all officers will rap the Miranda rights when arresting crime suspects. Shaq gave a sample of how he envisions a routine arrest with a rap like, "You be silent, lent you don't eat, shut up or I beat you, I got big feet you, Kobe ain't sweet, if he sweet he gay, horses eat hay,..."

A U.S. Justice department spokesperson said, "We Justice Department, we chillin, with an electric chair, we grillin, with a glock, we killin." He added, "What took us so long to promote a Shaq? This is so much cool fun and yes, Kobe Bryant is an asshole."

Wimbledon, England -- Officials at the Wimbledon Tennis Championships were forced to shoot at dive-bombing pigeons but sadly injured a large contingent of spectators in the process.

Tournament officials employ two hawks to scare away pigeons, who in recent years have become pests in swooping down and distracting players in the middle of matches. But spokesman Marlin Perkins said, "Our hawks were involved with each other sexually and unfortunately couldn't get the job done so we had no choice other than to bring out the guns."

Marksman Lonny Lonnyshire, a veteran of thousand of pigeon killings was called in the thin out the flock but he too, became distracted by the scantily clad Maria Sharapova. "I just took my eyes off the pigeons long enough to catch her high riding tennis skirt and that was enough," he explained.

Lonnyshire's aim went off and his AK-47 shot off six thousand rounds of ammo in less than ten seconds. "Wow, this pup has some action," smiled Lonny. Emergency personnel were able to treat most of the survivors on the scene and tournament officials promised all the victims free fish and chips for their trouble.

Vice-President Dick Cheney announced that he would immediately fly to Wimbledon, "to get a shot at this Sharapova bird."

We are proud to report that no pigeons were injured in the writing of this article.

Sussalockhen, Switzerland -- Olympic champion Justin Gaitlin is not welcomed in Beijing to defend his Olympic 100-meter title because of a four-year doping ban. Gaitlin is not eligible to compete in the Beijing games after the decision was upheld by the Court of Arbitration for Sport.

IOC director of legal affairs Howard Stump suggested that Gaitlin go to Switzerland if he wants to run. "Switzerland is a great place for illegal activity to be done legally," explained Stump. "If you want to launder money from drug deals, Switzerland is a great place for you," Stump continued. "And if you're a terrorist, they don't ask any questions when you hand in a withdrawal slip at Swiss bank," said Abdul Abdul Paula.

Gaitlin agreed that, "if a convicted felon can bank in Switzerland then why can't I run?" Gaitlin will race against several Swiss guys and he promised, "to kick their Swiss asses back to the Alps." The field includes Gaitlin and several Swiss guys named Bernhard, Gerhard, Erhard, Fredhard, Bobhard, Blowhard, and Diehard. "Who needs the Olympics when we've got Switzerland?" asked Gaitlin. "Can't get any harder than Switzerland, heh?" Gaitlin asked.

New York, NY -- Big Brown's owners announced yesterday that they would immediately stop giving performance-enhancing drugs to any of their horses.

Michael Iavarone, co-president of International Equine Acquisitions Holdings, told reporters that 50-plus horses that the company owns will be steroid free by October. "Big Brown or any of our other horses don't need steroids, that's for sure," said Iavarone.

However Iavarone would not rule out the possibility of "recreational drug use" by his horses. "Sometimes a horse just has to relax after a big race and so we're okay if a horse wants to smoke a 'J' or even snort a line of coke," said Iavarone.

Big Brown is said to have a voracious appetite for cocaine and stable observers say, "when he snorts, he snorts." One track lifer told reporters that Big Brown "doesn't mind dabbling in acid either." Trainer Len Hoofinberg explained, "If you hear 'Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds' playing and he's got that far away look in his eye, you know he ain't coming back for about 8 hours."

Big Brown's recent artwork demonstrates some his recent mind-expanding experiments.

Cincinnati, OH -- The Cincinnati Bengals of the NFL completed focus group studies today looking at a possible name change.

The Bengals management has long coveted the name, "The Cincinnati Nazis". "It's got name recognition," said marketing executive Joe Goebbels, "and it would look good on a t-shirt." Goebbels added, "We think it would be a hit with the youngsters too."

The focus groups revealed a cross-section of opinion and as one researcher put it, "You've got a lot of thugs on the Bengals and a couple of thugs in the Nazi party also...frankly there's not much difference." Head coach Marvin Lewis said he liked the idea and thought a lot of "those Nazi signals could really confuse the Patriots."

Long time dead Cincinnati Reds owner Marge Schott who once called Adolph Hitler "a great guy," said, "If I was alive I'd want his love child...in fact, if I was alive I'd want anyone's love child." Reds Hall of Fame infielder Pete Rose was anxious to know if any of this would effect the sales of his memorabilia. "Outside of myself and baseball, I don't know anything about anything," said Rose, "and I'm sure I had a ton more hits in my career than this guy Hitler."

Seacucus, NJ -- NBC golf analyst and former U.S. Open champion Johnny Miller has been reported missing after spouting some questionable ethnic remarks about golfer Rocco Mediate during last week's telecast of the Open playoff.

During the fourth round Miller said Mediate "looks like the guy who cleans Tiger's swimming pool." On Monday, the comments continued when Miller said, "Guys with the name 'Rocco' don't get on the trophy, do they?"

Yesterday after Miller publicly apologized for "pissing off the I-talians," police received a missing persons report. Miller was supposed to meet friends in a diner in North Jersey but he never arrived. Police scoured about fifty miles of landfills in North Jersey but there was no trace of Miller. "We found a ton of great shit," said one policeman but "no tall blonde guy." Several police commented that "Going through a landfill is much better than going to your neighbors' yard sale because, "the shit is totally free."

Mediate had no comment and said he's got a ton of alibis to "cover my ass." "For one," Mediate said, "I was cleaning Tiger's pool." Mediate said he pocketed over $850,000 for cleaning Woods pool. "It was filthy and I got to see Elin Woods in a bikini...not bad for a guy named Rocco, heh?"

Woods' wife did ask Meidate to mow the lawn and "do some concrete work but please by all means, I don't want to sound offensive."

Mediate (above), no stranger to cement, might possibly be putting some finishing touches on Johnny Miller's grave.

Beijing, China -- The Chinese government announced today they will pull half of its 3.3 million vehicles off the streets of the city and outlaw farting during the Olympics hoping to clean the city's noxious air before the games get under way in seven weeks.

"We cracking down on polluting industries," said Chinese Communist Party deputy Wiche Wei Hom, "and anyone who farts over the next several weeks will be seriously reprimanded by authorities."

Human rights activists say they are "drawing a line in the sand" on the farting restriction. Amnesty International spokesperson Jared Beano spoke forcefully saying, "Farting is an inalienable human right and any official move to block the freedom to fart requires a unified, global response." "Hopefully the Chinese won't take this sitting down," said Beano and "we're asking everyone to stand tall and let one rip.," He asked the global community, "First they take away farting and then what?" "Mobilize, organize, and altogether now, fart!" urged Beano.

Experts estimate that if everyone in the greater Beijing metropolis would stop farting for several weeks that "you could probably see for about 500 miles." Folk singers Peter, Paul and Mary commented, "Five hundred miles, five hundred miles, five hundred miles, five hundred miles, you can hear the whistle blow, five hundred miles." They added, "Certainly the song works better if the farting stops."

Several Chinese anti-government protesters urged Chinese citizens to resist and "go ahead, eat some of the Szechuan chicken and in a few hours, fart your friggin' brains out."

Chinese officials are hoping that one billion Mandarin speakers get the universal symbol for pressing your cheeks together and keeping your gas to yourself.

Washington, DC -- Federal authorities investigating the BALCO case announced yesterday that they are interested in Nicole Gestas, the wife of Barry Bonds' personal trainer Greg Anderson.

For more than a year, Anderson sat in prison refusing to testify about his compliance in administering performance-enhancement drugs to his superstar friend. Yesterday, Gestas received a letter from investigators saying, "We're interested in you, do you want to come by and testify?"

One confidential federal source said, "We're targeting good looking women for the simple reason that they're good looking women." "Interviewing and interrogating big sweaty, hairy guys gets pretty damn boring," he continued, "so we're gonna mix things up and target some hotties," he continued.

The committee announced that "we're also targeting Pamela Anderson, Anna Benson, and Anna Nicole Smith." Later the committee was disappointed to find out that Anna Nicole Smith is dead. One investigator expressed disappointment saying, "Seriously, really, shit that's too bad cause in her day, wow, she was something else...okay let's just target a random porn star."

Frequent congressional busy body, Senator Arlen Specter, asked if he could take part in the proceedings because, "I'd rather target babes with great breasts than guys like Bill Belichick with saggy ones."

Specter promised he would call in TV host, Mother Angelica to the proceedings, "because I don't trust her and I think she knows a thing or two about steroid use."

New York, NY -- Former New York Mets' manager Willie Randolph was found walking around New York City in a catatonic trance.

Randolph, who was fired on Monday night, mumbled incoherently about "Armageddon" and the "Last Days" when police picked him up and transported him to Bellevue Hospital. Randolph was treated by doctors and given some really good psychotropic therapy where in his own words, "brought me back to reality."

Later Randolph spoke to reporters and said he had no recollection of how bad the Mets were doing or about their historic collapse from playoff contention in Fall, 2007. "What, we blew a 10 game lead and didn't make the playoffs? I'm stunned." In addition Randolph had no memory of anything other than saying, "I know one thing I am the manager of the New York Mets." Doctors gently broke the news to Randolph that he had been fired and Randolph immediately reverted back to a zombie like state.

Dr. Mel Startlemeyer explained that Randolph was suffering from what is commonly called "SICBYF" or it's clinical name "Shit I Can't Believe You F***ers!" Startlemeyer said it is not uncommon for baseball managers to slip into the syndrome after being canned because, "When you're getting paid to basically stand around and do nothing, you never want it to end, so therefore the mind would rather forget than deal with reality." Startlemeyer added, "We see it a lot with politicians and university professors who think you can go through life getting paid to do nothing but bullshit."

Former first lady Hilary Clinton was also found yesterday on the corner of 34th and Madison Ave. "campaigning my ass off."

Doctors work with Randolph to help him recall his past experiences. One doctor said, "In these extreme cases of memory loss, we've got to take the patient all the way back to the beginning."

Hillsburger, VA -- Police arrested the notorious "serial humper" yesterday after a three-month massive manhunt involving numerous law enforcement agencies.

The suspect is a 22-year old male and the "Duke Dog" mascot for James Madison University. For the past year women across the state have reported been "leg humped" by a large dog with a purple crown. "We knew who we were after for awhile but he was a slippery rascal," said one police investigator. "He was very careful in the way he worked," he further explained. According to police the dog would nuzzle up to unsuspecting females who thought the mascot was just a "harmless mascot." "And then he'd just latch on to a leg and hump away," said one victim.

The dog was taken into custody where police questioned him well into the night. The suspect refused to remove his costume saying, "I'll die if I have to representing my school." He has been identified and Vic Dalmation, a senior actuarial science major. According to a confidential police report, Dalmation had plans to work in the insurance industry but became addicted to leg humping "immediately after trying on the dog costume."

He was quoted as saying, "It just got into my blood." One forensic psychiatrist interviewed for this story said, "Oftentimes a mascot crosses the boundaries between his character and reality and sadly these types of situations are more common than we'd like to admit."

Dalmation was unapologetic and promised, "If I ever get out of here, I'm gonna find me a nice leg and hump like it's 1984!" No one understood that reference except maybe the "Artist Formerly Known as Prince."

Police taking the "Duke Dog" into custody. "The streets are a lot safer today with the humper behind bars." said one policeman.

San Diego, CA -- Tiger Woods sneaked by Rocco Mediate in a sudden death playoff yesterday to capture another U.S. Open major championship.

Everyone knew it was going to happen so there were no big surprises. However, fan favorite Phil Mickelson met with the press to explain why once again he failed to play well when the pressure was on. "Truthfully I was distracted on the second tee by some chick who was scratching her butt," said Mickelson. "It threw me off on the next tee and I pushed my tee out of bounds," he added. Mickelson explained that he does not like to make excuses for poor play but, "seeing that hand in the butt crack took me right out of my game."

Golf experts say that a distraction such as the one Mickelson is talking about is "rare since very few women scratch their ass in public." Swing coach Butch Harmon said that the golf swing must be so exact that "if your mind goes somewhere else for just a millisecond, you're toast."

Sports psychologist Randy Marsh explained, "In a given day you may see two, three million guys scratch their asses or balls in public, but to see a woman, wow, that's rare." Marsh clarified, "I mean, seeing a woman scratch her ass, because it's obvious you'd never see a woman scratch her, well you know what I mean."

Marsh said, "He wished women would have the confidence to scratch their asses more often in public." "I think it levels the playing field, so to speak," he pondered, "and it would prevent these tragic situations on the golf course." All that Mickelson could do was sigh and say, "I'm telling you, it's in my head now and I just may not show up at the British Open."

LaJolla, CA -- The number one ranked golfer in the world just might lay down today at the U.S. Open Championship at Torrey Pines.

After sinking a birdie to force a playoff with the 158th ranked Rocco Mediate, Woods received an anonymous phone call when he got back to his motel room. Woods told police that a man with "one those mob voices called and told me if I didn't bring my 'D' game that someone would break my legs."

Woods told the mobster that he just had knee surgery so breaking a leg probably wouldn't effect his game. The mobster then threatened to break his arm. Woods told him that he had some mild tendonitis in his elbow and breaking the arm probably wouldn't effect his game. Finally the mobster promised to hit him over the head with a two-by-four. Woods told the mobster that his wife hit him with a frying pan the day before and that didn't effect his game.

According to Woods the mobster gave up and wished him good luck in today's playoff. Investigators questioned opponent Rocco Mediate about the incident but Mediate swore his innocence saying, "If that isn't a negative stereotype of a guy named Rocco then I don't know what a negative stereotype is."

Mediate said that, "I have no ties to the mob and isn't it obvious that I look like a pool cabana boy or a New York city cab driver?"

LaJolla, CA -- Golfer Phil Mickelson once again will fall short of his quest to win the U.S. Open. The left-handed pro had high hopes for this year's tournament especially since it is being held in his home town on his home course.

However, golf being a fickle mate, let Mickelson down yesterday when he took carded a 9 on a routine par-4 to take himself out of contention. Immediately after the hole the dejected Phil tried to kill himself by swallowing his putter. Spectators say that Mickelson bent over and tried to stick the 48-inch shaft down his throat. Just before turning blue, security personnel were able to rescue Mickelson before he expired.

Later in the scorer's tent, Mickelson was philosophical about his suicide attempt saying, "Again, I made the wrong club choice...if I use my driver in that situation I probably succeed." Amy Mickelson, Phil's wife, said, "It's the first time I ever saw Phil put something that long down his throat. It was both exciting and scary at the same time but I hope I never see that again."

There is still the final round to play today and Mickelson hinted that "I'm not giving up." He said he plans "to kick Tiger Woods right in his surgically repaired left knee and then let's see who's got game."

Fort Chippendale, FL -- Disgraced former NBA referee Tim Donaghy will face sentencing in the next few weeks for his role in last game fixing scandal. With each passing day Donaghy, through his attorney John Lauro, reveals that there is a lot more going on in the NBA than jumpshots.

Donaghy told investigators that NBA commissioner David Stern is a devout Morman who practices polygamy and hold 450 half-time dancers against their will on a ranch in the Utah desert. Law enforcement has long know about Stern's penchant for sultry dance girls but they had no idea he has fathered over 1,650 children with the NBA dancers.

Stern denied the allegations calling Donaghy, "a jealous snitch." He added, "Who are you going to believe, a desperate short guy trying to save himself from going to jail or a desperate short guy trying to sell basketball in Pakistan?"

Several anonymous dancers have come forward saying that at the very least, Stern exercises tight control over the hiring of all half-time dancers. One dancer said, "He's the biggest couch caster on the planet and he designs all of the dancers' costumes on the back of cocktail napkins." Stern admitted, "Hey I'm a dance guy, is there any shame in that?"

Donaghy's complaint alleges that Stern continues to feed the entire NBA dance system with his polygamist's offspring. Donaghy said, "Underneath that commissioner's demeanor is a cunning Morman who will stop at nothing to bag another hot dance girl." "Okay, so I'm making shit up to save my ass but seriously someone has to step in and stop the horror," Donaghy pleaded.

Boston, MA -- The American Medical Association announced yesterday that their organization would begin legal proceedings to stop former major league pitcher Tommy John from practicing medicine without a license.

John, who pitched for the Los Angeles Dodgers and New York Yankees in his heyday, estimates that he has performed over one million "Tommy John" surgeries since he retired from baseball. "You need something to do when you retire," explained John, "or you just go crazy." John said that performing complicated elbow surgeries in his garage, "keeps me busy and out of the wife's hair."

The AMA said, "John is not a doctor and frankly we wouldn't let him fix our john (no pun intended)," said Dr. Hank Lawson, AMA spokesperson. "He's making a ton of money just coming up with a surgery and putting his name on it," added Lawson. "What's next Pamela Anderson breast enhancements?" he asked. "Though it would be fun for Pamela Anderson to enhance my breasts, it's just not good medicine," finished Lawson.

Mrs. John, Tommy's wife, added her two cents saying, "Most guys go out and play golf, but no, my husband goes out in the garage and operates on people." "He's more interested in other men's elbows than me, how would you feel?" she sobbed.

The ex-pitcher said that he had no plans to stop saying, "When you get your own surgery, everyone just gets plain jealous."

Washington, DC -- President Bush announced plans for life after the U.S. Presidency yesterday saying, "I think I want to play for the New York Football Giants."

Bush believes that he can contribute to the Super Bowl Champions. "I got a nice big ranch down there in Texas, what'd say we turn it into a practice facility?" suggested Bush. "I think we've got to be concerned with that 'Axis of Evil' in the NFC East, especially those Dallas Cowboys," he cautioned.

The Giants agreed to give Bush a chance by letting him participate in their volunteer mini-camp this week. "Things didn't go to well," said Giants coach Tom Coughlin. "GW, in just two days of mini-camp y destroyed the entire fabric of this organization," screamed Coughlin. The Giants announced that they are projecting a 100 trillion dollar loss over the next five years and that Bush suggested, "Let's give free tickets to anyone making over $250,000 per year." Bush also told the Giants front office "that we need to go after Jerry Jones in a big way."

The President and his advisors presented a plan where New York would invade Dallas, capture Jones, and then "hang him." "I think that we'll be able to liberate Dallas in about three days if we put enough firepower behind the operation," emphasized Bush. "I believe the citizens of Dallas want to be rid of Jerry Jones and will embrace a new regime," said Bush. However, the soon to be ex-President said that "it won't be easy...it might take years to completely take over Dallas and there will be casualties but in the end, New York will control the NFC East."

Miami, FL -- The Florida Marlins remain one of the most competitive teams in Major League Baseball year in and year out despite having one of the league's smallest payrolls. Even with success on the field "The Fish" have a hard time getting folks in the stands.

Market research reveals that since there are so many retirees in Florida, games are scheduled too late for fans to watch. Marlins fans Irv Flatuance explained why he doesn't attend games by saying, "Jees, a 7:05pm start is just too f***ing late for me." Flatuance added, "I'm in my pajamas at 5, have some warm milk by 6, take all my medications at 7, and fall asleep 10 minutes into a 'Full House' rerun."

The Marlins marketing department decided yesterday, "Why not just play at 7:05 am?" So beginning the next home stand, all Florida games will begin at 7:05 in the morning. Flatuance said, "Now we're talking and get me tickets." He added, "Hey I'll see the sunrise and hopefully a shut out." Marlins' sales manager Fred Rincles said, "Our new package will include a ticket to the game, prune juice, and a nice tall glass of Metamucil." "The new Marlins are all about high fiber," said Rincles.

Flatuance said, "I'm so excited to be finally going to a baseball game tomorrow morning, I just crapped my pants."

Philadelphia, PA -- Former Philadelphia Phillies third baseman and Hall of Fame member Mike Schmidt unveiled his new "548 Zinfandel" from his new product line.

Following in the footsteps of actor Paul Newman, Schmidt will peddle wine with some the proceeds going to charity. The ever humble Schmidt said, "Just like I was the greatest baseball player I ever saw, this is the best wine I ever tasted." Schmidt guaranteed that after drinking 548 Zinfandel, the consumer "can go out and hit a meaningless home run with no one on base and then consistently strike out with the bases loaded."

Other athletes have followed suit and announced plans to release their own wines. Kobe Bryant said he was in negotiations with a Colorado winery to bottle his very own "Bend Over Pinot Grigio." "I want something that goes well with both fish and chicken," said Bryant. O.J. Simpson said, "Hey, this is a great f***ing idea cause I can't find a f***ing job. How about a bottle of 'I'll Stab Your Ass For Cheatin' On Me Cabernet'?" Simpson asked. "Yeah, that's it," he said with excitement. "Put a pair of gloves on, gulp down a bottle, kill your spouse with no remorse, get away with it and only spend $6.99 for the wine?" he continued.

All this frenzy over wine making forced Pete Rose to tear up a bit. "With all this celebrity wine, who's going to buy all my memorabilia?"

New York, NY -- Former New England Patriots videographer Matt Walsh did not have to wait long for a new job. Just weeks after congressional hearing on his involvement in "Spygate", Walsh was hired by Yankees owner George Steinbrenner.

Walsh revealed to a congressional panel led by Senator Arlen Specter that he videotaped opposing NFL teams in order to help Patriot coaches decode the opposition's offensive and defensive signals. That hearing will continue until either Senator Specter enters an assisted living facility or the entire country collectively falls asleep listening to his whiney, sing-song voice. However, Walsh said that the notoriety gained from the hearing has his phone ringing off the hook. He clarified, "Ringing off the hook is a dated expression that came from a time when phones were attached to a wall...of course now in the cellular telephone age, common references such as these must be explained in a historical context."

Yankees owner George Steinbrenner was the first to hire Walsh after his Patriots departure. "I like a guy who spys," said Steinbrenner. "I always wanted to spy on the Soviet Union but that doesn't exist anymore," he added. Steinbrenner asked Walsh to videotape the cross-town rival New York Mets and "get us some signals." Steinbrenner has complained that his last place Yankees do not have signals under new manager Joe Girardi. Girardi insists that he didn't know you were supposed to have signals in baseball. "But thanks to Matt Walsh, we've got some really cool ones now like rubbing your chest or touching your hat," said Girardi. "Wow, it is so much fun to communicate with signals," he beamed. "Like I can stand in the dugout and I can hold up my left hand and all the way out in the bullpen they understand exactly what I'm saying and I don't have to yell or anything...is that cool or what?"

Steinbrenner scratched his ass and said, "That's not a signal, my butt really itches."

New York, NY -- A five-year study on the effectiveness on rubbing urine on athletes' hands was finally completed yesterday and the results were released to an anxious press.

"Pee-Pee Rubbing" has been popularized by baseball players who believe that rubbing urine on your hands can toughen them up and thereby eliminating the use of batting gloves. The study was commissioned by the Bush administration because in the words of President Bush, "I love baseball and if rubbing piss on your hands is good for baseball then it's good for the American people."

Dr. Willard Whisenlot headed a team of researchers who studied a sample of "a lot of guys who are sloppy at the urinal and then leave the washroom without washing their hands." Whisenlot said that it was fairly easy to obtain a sample because "most guys do get some piss on their hands and usually bypass the sink and leave the restroom with urine soaked hands."

In looking at the sample, the results reveal some interesting findings. "What we discovered is that most people don't realize that when shaking hands with a man, there's a high likelihood that you will get piss on your hands," said Whisenlot. "We refer to this as 'second hand piss'," explained the doctor, "and secondary pee really doesn't do much for anyone." Whisenlot said that the results are indeed significant. "It is extremely important when you are shaking hands with someone to know where the urine smell is coming from," he said. "Lots of folks are looking around a room asking, 'Does anyone smell like piss?' and the fact is, there is a lot of guys who smell like piss and they are not wearing batting gloves."

President Bush said he was grateful to the research team for their dedication to this sensitive societal issue because, "it's important to know who's full of piss or who's full of shit."

A big ring on a pinky finger is a tell-tale sign that there is piss on the hand.

Belmont, NY -- Big Brown's path to the Triple Crown got a boost yesterday when his biggest rival Casino Drive was disqualified from Saturday's Belmont Stakes.

Though the official reason given for scratching the horse is a "bruised hoof," sources close to the race said the Japanese owned and trained horse was disqualified for using an illegal substance to help his performance. One unnamed Belmont official explained that Casino Drive's Japanese trainer was caught injecting wasabi sauce into the horses testicles. Wasabi, aka Japanese horseradish, is a spicy condiment that comes from the wasabi root. It's sharp, unique flavor goes well with sushi and can be combined with soy sauce to create some truly marvelous dishes.

However, racing experts agree, a shot of wasabi in the testicles is going to make any horse run faster. "Let me tell you," said Chef Takamodo Takamudo in Japanese, "a shot of wasabi in the scrotum would make me run like Justin Gaitlin."

Trainer Kazuo Fujisawa denied injecting the horse in the testicles but did admit that he uses wasabi on everything including breakfast cereals. One Belmont official bemoaned the introduction of another illegal substance into the athletic arena. "Though I think it's a tragedy that we have to stoop this low to win a contest but anyone who can inject a needleful of hot spicy wasabi into a horse's balls and still live to tell about it, could change my definition of courageous," said Dick Pound, the World Anti-Doping Chairman.

Pound added, "I'm just worried we're going to have a whole generation of kids experimenting with wasabiballs."

Miami, Of Ohio -- The perceived feud between Miami Dolphins GM Bill Parcells and defensive star Jason Taylor appears to be over.

The pair was seen in a full embrace, slow dancing to Mel Carter's 1950's hit, "Hold Me." Taylor said later, "For a big fat guy, he moves divinely." Taylor, coming off an appearance on "Dancing with the Stars" knows a thing or two about slow dancing. Parcells for his part told reporters, "Yes, I can dance, I can coach, and yes, I'm a miserable bastard."

Parcells did explain that his curmudgeonly exterior has a lot to do with the fact that no one has ever asked him to dance before. "All my life I waited for someone to come up to me and say those magic words, 'Do you wanna dance?' but I was just a lonely wallflower for the last 60 years," said Parcells through tears.

Taylor said that a chaperone at a high school dance asked him if he would dance with Parcells. "A teacher came over to me and said, 'Look at the miserable bastard standing over there by himself...why don't you ask him to dance?'" explained Taylor. "So I did," he continued, "and guess what, underneath it all there's a pretty damn special miserable bastard."

"We got a lot of issues resolved and it was just such a natural feeling being out there on the dance floor," was Parcells take on the dance. "But mostly," said the retired coach, "it was just a special moment for me because for the first time in my life, someone needs me."

"Slow dancing with another man like Jason just makes me a happier person," said Parcells.

The "Real Deal" announced yesterday, "I'm f***ing broke so if we can con the country for another big payout, let's do it." Holyfield $10 million estate in suburban Atlanta is under foreclosure, the mother of one of his children is suing him for unpaid child support, and if that's not bad enough his landscaping company refused to run a "weed whacker" around the property because, "the son of a bitch just doesn't pay." Yesterday, over 25,000 people lined up in front of the 109-room Holyfield mansion hoping to recover money from the boxer.

"I guess you can say, I'm in big f***ing debt, like really huge f***ing debt, like the f***ing national debt of like Rhode Island," sighed Holyfield.

Toi Irvin, the mother of one of his children said, "Get that bastard back in the ring so I can keep getting my $3000-a-month support check!" "And," she added, "He took all my headphones and cut them in half, so he could use them, I want restitution."

(Yes, it seems like the whole world wants money from Evander Holyfield and we're suggesting that you should put in a claim that he owes you money too. Why not? Do you think he's really going to check out your claim? Why don't just make up a bill for some phony but interesting sounding service like pubic consultant or testicle holder? If he does fight Tyson, there's going to be a lot of money around for a week or two and you can get in on this! You just have to be creative with Quicken Books or something that can manufacture a bill. What are you waiting for? Believe us when we tell you, no one ever checks this shit out. They just pay everyone off. Send your bill to Evander Holyfield Owes Me F***ing Money c/o That Big F***ing 109-Room Mansion, Somewhere in Atlanta, Georgia).

No doubt Holyfield stiffed this poor Swedish masseuse.

Belmont, NY -- Workmen worked furiously yesterday to repair a cracked left hoof on racehorse Big Brown.

The horse, who has a shot at Triple Crown fame, visited drywall and plasterer expert Joey Vittoro. Vittoro has never worked on the horse but he said, "I can drywall over 2500 square feet in a day and get it taped and spackled." Several satisfied customers vowed that if you have a crack, "you need to call Joey."

Vittoro has been in the drywall business for years and is fully insured because he explained, "There's always some asshole who sues you." He then went on to say how he would fix Big Brown's cracked hoof. "It's just like when your house settles and you get a few cracks here and 'dare...first I tape the crack and I just take a nice wad of spackle, cause you don't want to underpatch, I work it into the crack, let it dry, and then I sand...it's probably a good idea to put two coats of spackle on so after I sand I'll do the whole bit again."

Trainer Rick Dutrow Jr. said he was very comfortable with Vittoro's work. "If you get a veternarian in here, he gonna charge you an armful, and Joey did the whole job for 75 bucks." Vittoro instructed Dutrow to try and keep Big Brown from "stepping in horseshit cause horseshit just kills a spackling job."

Afterwards, Big Brown will have the hoof painted a exciting mauve color and he's off to the races.

Vittoro said, "With these cool drywall stilts I be able to look Big Brown right in the eye."

New York, NY -- The original "Bad News Bear" Tatum O'Neal was arrested by New York undercover police while attempting to purchase street drugs.

O'Neal told police that her drug buying was part of her research for a part in a new film. The child film star announced that she was reprising the role of Amanda, the rascally athletic pre-teen who rescues a team of misfit little leaguers and turns them into champions.

The Bad News Bear franchise is going head to head with the Rocky Balboa franchise in seeing who can get "continue to bore us with long running dull and uninteresting sequels." In her next film, "Bad News Bears on Crack," O'Neal is said to deliver an Oscar worth performance. The story line has Amanda, now a 40 plus crack whore, making a comeback at the bequest of lovable but cranky crack smoking coach Butterworth, played by the irascible Snoop Dog.

"It's a movie the whole family can enjoy," said O'Neal. Film critic Roger Ebert said, "I never tire of the Bears and seeing Tatum O'Neal in the throws of crack addiction while trying to win a Little League championship is both touching and inspiring." "And guess what?" Ebert asked, "I dropped like two hundred pounds and no one noticed."

O'Neal said that later this summer she will begin shooting the next Bears film, "The Bad News Bears Smuggle Heroin From Afghanistan." "It's got a ton of political intrigue," added O'Neal.

O'Neal shown here rehearsing a scene from the new Bad News Bear film. Snoop Dog said "She still got it as an actress."

Westminster, CA -- A 36-year-old skateboarder who starred at the X-Games, will be arraigned Wednesday on a charge of having sex with a 15-year-old girl.

Brian Keith Patch was charged with one felony count of lewd acts with a child and Orange County district attorney spokeswoman Farrah Faucet asked, "What the hell is a 36-year-old guy doing skateboarding?"

A message left on a phone listed to Patch was not returned because most people who are charged with having sex with minors usually don't return calls. Prosecutors say Patch had sex with the girl, who slept at his house after she ran away form home in April. The girl, Jane Doe, part of the largest family on earth, didn't return phone calls either probably because she doesn't have a phone because she ran away and chances are she was with Patch and he's not returning calls so it makes sense that she's not returning calls either.

Patch was later seen skateboarding in a Wal-Mart parking lot and said, "What's the big deal? I thought the X-Games meant, you know, X-Games, like rated X-Games." Patch's parents said, "When the f*** is this kid gonna get a real job? Who the f*** skateboards at a Wal-Mart parking lot when they are 36-years-old?" His mother said, "If he had a real f***ing job he wouldn't be banging 15-year-olders."

Patch defended his lifestyle saying, "Hey, middle school chicks dig skateboarders, nuff said."

We're on the parents side here. Skate over to one of those office buildings in the background and get a real f***ing job!

Chicago, IL -- Chicago White Sox general manager Ken Williams isn't laughing over manager Ozzie Guillen's latest outbreak.

The White Sox fiery manager lit into his team after they lost to the lowly Kansas City Royals on Sunday. Guillen demanded that Williams trade the entire team before Tuesday night or else he (Guillen) "would throw him under the bus." Williams said that it would be hard to trade and entire team by Tuesday because most of the baseball GM's are away on vacation and don't like to make deals until it's snowing out.

Williams was not pleased with Guillen's continual outburst in broken English because, "when Ozzie gets hot he says a lot of Spanish words and I don't know any Spanish words and like he might be saying bad things about me in Spanish and no one is going to say bad things about me in Spanish."

Williams added, "It's not good to throw your boss under the bus when he has your back like I've had his," said Williams. Immediately after that comment Guillen drove a school bus full of children in front of the White Sox office, parked the bus and then threw Williams under it shouting, "Debajo autobus!" Williams realized after a moment that he was under a bus and Guillen was going to try and pull away. In a flash, Williams agreed to trade the entire team to Pittsburgh because he said, "Anyone not trying hard enough deserves to live in Pittsburgh."

Guillen then said something like "Gracias" which roughly means, "thanks you asshole!" and then pulled the bus away leaving Williams in one piece.

Can we all agree to stop with overuse of "thrown under the bus?" It's getting old!

St. Louis, MO -- Former St. Louis Cardinals slugger Mark McGwire announced yesterday that he would like to come out of retirement.

"The back's feeling pretty good," said McGwire, "and I think I can help this team win." McGwire, who broke the single season home run record several years ago, only to have it broken by Barry Bonds, added that he was not quite in baseball shape, "but honestly who's in shape who plays baseball?"

Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa commented, "I never have more than ten beers before getting behind the wheel of a car...Mark McGwire? Didn't he have a couple of sisters he sang with in the 40's?"

McGwire was emphatic that he didn't use performance enhancement drugs earlier in his career, and he had no plans to start now. "There's no replacement for beer and hot dogs when you want to get in shape for baseball," he recommended. "I want people to know that yes, you can let yourself go and with the right chemist, you can make a comeback," he added. "And for chrissakes, what else can I do besides play baseball? I need the money, goddamnit!"

McGwire's attempted comeback motivated basketball great Michael Jordan also to come out of retirement. Jordan said, "I was a pretty damn good player for the White Sox...don't you remember?"

McGwire takes a break from his training regiment to tell fans, "Give me more beads and I'll show you more Mark McGwire."

Los Zangeles, CA -- World soccer mega-star David Beckham held a press conference to tell the citizens of earth that his wife Victoria Posh Spice is actually Queen Flotatiana from the Planet Nuduku in the Galaxy Hectorama.

Beckham explained, "Victoria came home the other night and said, 'I've got something to tell you' and of course, I think she's going to tell me that the Spice Girls are releasing a new Christmas album." "But," he added, "then she drops this other planet thing on me."

Queen Flotatiana is six billion years old and wears a 'D' cup. Beckham commented, "I'll tell you one thing, for a six billion year old woman, she's got a fine pair of knockers."

Mrs. Beckham who traveled over 548,363 light years to get here said, "Time travel doesn't make soccer any more interesting." "And come on," she added, "do you really think you'll ever sell professional soccer in the United States?"

Beckham told reporters, "She's a sweet kid but those f***ing lights growing out of her head are keeping me up all night."

Beaverton, OR -- Nike, Inc. has signed a record $500 million deal with potential Triple Crown horse Big Brown.

The global athletic sports and apparel company will go where no other company has gone before, right to the horse's ass. For the first time in racing history, a horse will carry a corporate brand into a race. The recognizable Nike swoosh symbol will be branded on Big Brown's hind quarter where officials say, "it will be the most watched ass in history." That comment prompted sex goddess Raquel Welch to reply, "I beg to differ."

A Nike spokesperson said, "It give corporate branding a whole new meaning and we're very happy to be the first company to use a horse's ass." Dave Popeil, a Madison Avenue advertising specialist commented, "This ushers in a whole new era where we can generate revenue from a horse's ass." "Just think," he added, "you can make money off of those annoying co-workers and relatives just by advertising on their butts."

For years Nike has been trying to break into "ass advertising" but trying to tatoo the swoosh of the asses of famous people. "We have advertising presence on several high profile Hollywood asses but they just don't have the exposure of a Big Brown." Popeil said the trouble with Hollywood asses, though their pants are down frequently, statistics show that most of the time they're in rehab and "you just don't get exposure you need."

Vice-President Dick Cheney commented, "I'm a horse's ass, do you want to put a swoosh on my posterior?"

Hall of Fame horse's ass, Geraldo Rivera clamored, "You can put a swoosh on me too!"

Beijing, China -- Actress and sometimes political commentator Sharon Stone issued an apology for comments she made about the recent earthquake in China.

Stone said that the recent devastation that has befallen China was the result of "bad karma" from the government's treatment of Tibet. Stone, often called the female Rodney King of politics, said, "Can't we all just get along...I hate when people are mean to each other." Political pundits have called her comments "insightful and sharp hitting."

However, Chinese officials fumed over the criticism. Stone, sensing that "Basic Instinct" DVD sales would nosedive in Asia, decided to apologize. After the government refused to turn the other cheek, Stone said, "I'll do anything for your forgiveness." Chinese premier Shuin Dung asked, "Anything?" Stone said, "Well, almost anything."

Dung and Stone negotiated a settlement and the actress has agreed to help out with the Olympic games. "We're planning an elaborate opening ceremony," said Dung, "and I will have Sharon at my side and she will not be wearing panties." Dung said, "If Sharon agrees, all is forgiven."

A Stone representative said, "No problem, that's like easy, yeah, sure, she'll be there without underwear, okay, so we're cool now? and a billion Chinese are no longer pissed at Sharon, and like you'll stop selling pirated copies of 'Basic Instinct' at like fruit stands in New York?" Dung said, "We're cool!"

Phoenix, AZ -- The Phoenix Suns explained yesterday why they were so eager to let successful coach Mike D'Antoni leave to coach the New York Knicks.

One anonymous team employee revealed, "Mike was just plain out of his mind." The employee told of D'Antoni's relationship with his "imaginary friend." "You know how like little kids all have an imaginary friend?" asked Steve (who refused to give his last name). "Well, Mike still has his and they argue all the time," he continued.

Evidently the relationship between D'Antoni and his imaginary friend soured sometime in April and became a distraction during the playoffs. One player reported that "D'Antoni was clearly agitated with his imaginary friend criticizing the Suns' lack of offense." Things became so strained between the coach and friend that D'Antoni finally strangled the imaginary friend. The imaginary friend was treated at a Phoenix hospital and was later released.

Police say that no charges were filed because the friend was imaginary. One detective said, "This happens a lot where an imaginary friend is a victim of violence but is imaginary and can't come forward to speak for him/herself." "It's a damn shame," added the policeman.

The Knicks management said they are well aware of D'Antoni's hostile actions towards his imaginary friend but added that they were confident that he can coach their "imaginary basketball team."

Gainesville, FL -- After being arrested for marijuana possession and an open container of alcohol violation in Gainesville on Sunday night, the Chicago Bulls center Joakim Noah's troubles were compounded even more.

According to the University of Florida police, Noah was stopped for driving 32 mph in a posted 20 mph area. When he was stopped, police found a marijuana cigarette in his pants pocket. The Bulls management said that they were closely monitoring the situation and that "we are very disappointed in Joakim's behavior and he will be punished severely like with something, like, we're not sure yet, but maybe we'll bring back Scott Skiles for a few days or something."

To make matters worse for Noah, his father, former tennis star Yannick Noah has asked his son to help him with a dental bill. "I can't afford to have my gap closed," screamed the elder Noah. "All my life, I've had a huge gap and people think I'm a dark David Letterman," he explained. "And there was no dental plan for professional tennis players," he said.

The father has asked the son to help him by paying for braces "because I still want to look like a hot Yannick." The younger Noah told his father to get lost because, "I need my money for drugs and alcohol." "Besides," said Joakim, "I'm so confused over my name." He asked his father, "Do you pronounce my name Yo-akeem or Joe-Kim?" Yannick Noah replied, "Yo-akeem or Joe-Kim, I don't care, but I think it might be Waaa-Keeeem. Anyway, can you just pay for the f***ing braces?"

The two argued for several moments and then the father and son lit a joint and just chilled out.

"With my gap closed and this swanky hat, there'll be no stopping me," said the former French Open champion.

Oklahoma City, OK -- Women's wrestling teams are sprouting up all over the country as colleges realize that watching women wrestle is good fun.

The growth of this unconventional women's sport has little to do with the federal gender-equity law Title IX and everything to do with college presidents getting turned on by women wrestling one another. Officials at tuition-hungry colleges say that women's wrestling can really improve the bottom line.

Five thousand girls nationwide wrestled in high school in the 2006-07 academic year yet only eight colleges offer it as a varsity sport. Thousands of women wrestle in bars and gentleman clubs but to this date colleges have ignored this fact. Colleges have struggled to ensure that female athletic participation is on par with the men's programs and this inequality and sexism was the fuel that spurned the Title IX movement.

One college President said, "The last thing I am is sexist but watching women jello-wrestle in bikinis is just plain exhilarating." "I ask you in all seriousness," he asked, "which would you rather watch, women wrestle in bikinis or men's fencing?"

World Wide Wrestling legend Vince McMahon said he was annoyed that colleges are honing in "on my turf." "But," McMahon said, "I'm hopeful I can be a college president someday."

East Rutherford, NJ -- The defending World Champion New York Giants held their voluntary mini-camp last week and quarterback Eli Manning is upset with some of management's cost cutting measures.

The Giants' front office have made some sweeping personnel changes designed to create "cap space" and avoid the "luxury tax." "We just had a lot of overpriced linemen," said Giants assistant GM Turk Turkaman. "And," he added, "who wants to pay a lot of big, fat slow guys to stand around and bump into each other?"

In a radical departure from the past, the Giants will experiment with a defensive line that is entirely composed of players under the age of 12. "It's a youth movement, plain and simple," said Turkaman. "We're going to suffer in the short run, but watch out in 2022," he warned.

Manning expressed some concern with the new philosophy saying, "I just never thought we'd replace Strahan with six fourth-graders." "The good news is," said Manning, "that they shouldn't have much of a problem keeping curfew."

Manning runs drills with the new Giant defensive line. "They were getting to me on the three step drop so that's a good sign," said Manning.

Indianapolis, IN -- Drivers at the Indianapolis 500 auto race were furious with gas prices at the traditional Memorial Day sporting event.

As gas prices topped $4 per gallon, many drivers became upset when they were actually charged more for paying with a credit card. Those drivers using credit instead of cash got bled for a extra $.10 per gallon. "It's f***ing ridiculous out there," screamed Danica Patrick after a 40 gallon fill-up. Later Patrick ran out of gas at the 300 mile mark and had to drop from the race, "because I'm not mad of f***ing money you know!"

Several drivers were forced to use alternate means of transportation to complete the race. Brazilian Marco Andretti finished the last 25 laps on a bicycle but was proud of himself, "because I'm racing green." He added, "I think auto racing is really dumb and it's even dumber with these gas prices through the roof."

Several drivers were forced to car pool and two drivers came across the finish line together saying, "It's really nice to have someone to talk with when you're racing 500 laps." Vitor Miera and Ed Carpenter said, "Car pooling just makes good economic and environmental sense until these f***ing oil companies stop gouging the shit out of us."

Car pooling and auto racing are a perfect fit. Here several drivers put their resources together to save some cash during a big race.

San Francisco, CA -- A "hippie" was removed from AT&T stadium yesterday during the Giants-Pirates game for failing to "streak" through the ballpark.

Hippies were a unique American subculture that initially began as a youth movement during the 1960's. The word hippie derives from hipster and was used to describe beatniks who had moved into San Francisco's Haight-Ashbury district. These young folks at the time, professed countercultural values, listened to psychedelic rock, and embraced the sexual revolution. Hippies could be spotted by their simple home made clothing.

Yesterday's hippie was arrested by stadium officials for not "streaking." Streaking was another 1960's phenomenon where oftentimes hippies would remove their clothes and run through public spaces without their clothes on. Richard Bay, a self-proclaimed original hippie, failed to remove his clothing and just stood in the middle of the field with his hippie clothing intact.

Police said that they felt Bay should have removed his clothing and "run around a bit" just so he wouldn't look so out of place. One officer commented, "IF he had taken his clothes off, it would have been a huge public service."

After the arrest Bay said, "I would have taken my clothes off but I've got a terribly arthritic hip which in no way translates that I am no longer hip."

Beijing, China -- The decision to let double amputee Oscar Pistorius to compete in the Beijing Olympics has been both a blessing and curse. Pistorius will be allowed to race with his prosthetics which has forced some critics to cry that he gets an added advantage because of the devices.

However, the Olympic powers decided that Pistorius will compete despite protestations from some asshole detractors. What the Olympic committee did not anticipate was a flood of other athletes appealing for the same opportunity. One Bulgarian gymnast, Zita Preschonova, wants to compete for a gold medal even though she lost her head at birth.

Preshchonova explained in Bulgarian that, "When I tell you I was a breech baby, I'm not kidding, I was like breech city." The amazing spry tumbler was born without a head but said yesterday, "It's been my dream to get a gold medal even though I have no head." Olympic officials are reluctant to let her compete because as one spokesperson said, "What if she wins, where the hell are we going to put the medal. They'll be no place to hang the medal for chrissakes."

Being headless has never held Preshchonova back. She explained to an enraptured audience that despite having no head, she's had a few good years as a consultant to the New England Patriots. "I just want a chance to be like everyone else," cried Preshchonova. "And for God's sake, can you tell people to stop giving me earrings for Christmas!" she screamed.

Headless gymnast Zita Preshchonova said, "You gotta admit even without a head, I've got a pretty nice body."

Philadelphia, PA -- The attorney for ex-NBA referee Tim Donaghy told authorities yesterday that Sister Fatima Portugal played a key role in Donaghy's descent into gambling addiction.

"It all began with Sister Fatima," began attorney Larry Juno. Juno claims that the retired nun worked with Donaghy in the early 80's to fix school yard recess basketball games. "She would bet on lunchtime games and would have Mr. Donaghy (an 7th grader at the time), feed her information that influenced the outcome of games." The information revealed told how Sister Fatima threatened Donaghy and his family if he did not cooperated with the nun's betting schemes.

"She would have big action on a game and would make Donaghy ring the bell earlier than usual when the team she bet on was up," explained Juno. Juno claims that this set up a pattern of gambling abuse that continued to haunt Donaghy into the NBA. "It didn't stop with school yard games and Sister Fatima continued to pressure Donaghy up until the 2005-2006 season," said Juno.

Donaghy told how Sister Fatima, a "rabid Knicks fan," was losing big after Isiah Thomas became coach, "and pressured me to make the Knicks win." Donaghy said, "This near Herculean task of throwing a Knicks game put me over the edge but the fear of Sister Fatima's ruler on my ass was so great that I compromised my integrity."

Sister Fatima, now 87, said from her retirement convent yesterday, "F*** Tim Donaghy, give him a nice slap across the face and lock him up for a few years."

An old photo of Sister Fatima showing the point spread before a Knicks-Grizzlies game.

Oakland, CA -- An Oakland woman has filed suit in a California court to get her thong back from New York Yankee Jason Giambi.

Fola Leatherton, an aging exotic dancer, alleges that she lent Giambi a gold thong in 1996 when he was playing for the Oakland Athletics. Legend has it that Giambi visited the "Just Stripping" club during a slump in the middle of the 1996 season. Giambi asked Leatherton to borrow the thong and she politely obliged him. "Never did I think he would keep it," said the exasperated Leatherton.

Giambi began wearing the thong and immediately ended a 0-54 slump and turned his entire season and career around. "Not only did my average sore, so did my personal esteem," said Giambi. "I never thought a small piece of clothing like a thong could make me feel soooo good," he added.

However, Featherton said her career took a turn for the worst after losing the gold thong. "Some thongs are not replaceable and I'm telling you things went downhill for me after 1996," explained Leatherton. "It seems like no one wants to see me strip anymore," said the 50-plus Featherton. Giambi's attorney said the only thing that went downhill for Leatherton "were her breasts."

In a written response to the complaint, Giambi's attorney writes, "We see no connection to the lost thong and the demise of Ms. Featherton's stripping career." "The thong in question was given freely and with informed consent and we see no reason at this time to return the article," the response continues. Leatherton seeks the return of the thong and "maybe a little something to help these sagging breasts."

San Paulo, Brazil -- Former world class soccer star Pele announced that he would not come out of retirement to save Major League Soccer in the United States.

Rumors circulated last week that Team Wild Turkey USA of the MLS were negotiating with Pele to appear in for seven minutes in some game this year. "Pele brings in fans," said Wild Turkey owner Norv Furner, "and we'd love to have him even if it's only for seven minutes."

History shows that a big world name does translate into U.S. ticket sales for less than 30 seconds. "I can still pack them in for one game before they regain consciousness and realize that they hate soccer," said Pele about U.S. soccer fans. But Pele said he was enjoying retirement too much to come back to soccer. "I'm married to two beautiful women at the same time and I'm not even a Morman," smiled Pele.

"And nowadays I can use my hands as well as my feet," bragged the aging Brazilian. "Eat your heart out David Beckham," chided Pele, whose real name is Ralph Miller.

Would you come out of retirement to save a struggling sport in the United States? Either would we.

Baltimore, MD -- Moments after super horse Big Brown blew away the field in yesterday's Preakness Stakes, his owners were putting the finishing touches on a deal that would make him the property of UPS (United Parcel Service).

Big Brown was named for the company but he admitted after the race, "I never thought I'd actually be part of the company." Sources say that UPS paid over $50 million for Big Brown and they plan to roll out an entire new business strategy based on horses. UPS CEO Marvin Haye said, "We're going to use him for studding and we're gonna develop a really fast fleet of delivery horses." "By golly," beamed Haye, "if it worked for the Pony Express, it's good enough for me."

Haye believes that people are going to love to have their overnight delivery done by a potential Triple Crown winner. "Imagine the excitement of ordering something from Victoria's Secret catalogue, only to have Big Brown deliver it to your door," explained Haye.

Big Brown said that he couldn't wait to get started delivering underwear for Victoria's Secret. "I rush every month to get the catalogue and now I'm actually going to have a hooves-on experience." Tyra Banks, a longtime Victoria Secret model commented, "I like the sound of Big Brown."

New York, NY -- New York Yankees' General Manager Brian Cashman has been forced into a corner by CEO Hank Steinbrenner, "to get this team turned around by using force." Steinbrenner said on Thursday that, "I don't care what it takes, we'd better win or else people will loose their lives."

Cashman responded, "I guess I'm like that guy Torquemada in the Inquisition. The Pope gave the orders and he carried them out." Cashman said he would study up on the Inquisition and begin to use torture as a motivating technique. "If it's good enough for the Spainards, it's good enough for me."

Cashman reasoned, "We've got a lot of Hispanic players on the team so I believe they'll understand Torquemada and the Inquisition." Cashman immediately placed a tub of boiling oil in the locker room and instructed manager Joe Girardi to place any player not playing up to potential in the tub of boiling oil. Several Yankees who went 0-4 in last night's game were placed in oil in tempertures exceeding 350 degrees. Girardi explained that, "Yes, there was lots of screaming and yes, there skin is burned very severely but they're gonna think twice when they're up to bat next time."

Steinbrenner was very pleased with Cashman's response to his directive of using force to deal with overpaid, underperforming athletes. "I think we're in new territory here and it's a very postive development for the fans. They're going to see players giving just a tad more effort out there on the field."

Girardi said that he was a bit concerned that several Japanese players didn't quit grasp the Torquemada concept. Steinbrenner immediately responded to the concern by interning several Japanese Yankees in a forced labor camp. George Steinbrenner Sr. commented, "I've never been more proud of my Hank than at this exact moment in Yankees history."

You can bet your ass the Spainards performed a whole lot better after the Inquistion.

Moscow, Russia -- Washington Capitols sensation Alex Ovechkin seems to have it all. Money, good looks, a great athletic career, and now, a really hot girlfriend.

"Yep, this definitely completes the puzzle," quipped Ovechkin while posing with his new girlfriend, Svetlana Damachovnamabovkin. Alex and Svetlana dated throughout high school but were seperated when Alex had the opportunity to come the United States to play hockey. "I always kept her picture in my wallet," said Ovechkin, "but now I can hug her anytime I want."

Svetlana, who spent several years in a Gulag in the old Soviet Union, is now dancing professionally. "Now that I'm with Alex, there's a really good chance that I won't have to take off my clothes when I dance." Alex agreed, "She's never taking off her clothes again, thank God!"

Ovechkin admitted, "There's a damn good reason vodka is the national drink of Russia." "And," he added as he chugged straight from the bottle, "I'm a damn lucky Russian to have a chick like Svetlana."

One myth claims that Russian women age pre-maturely but Svetlana proves that's just a myth.

New York, NY -- New York Yankees President Hank Steinbrenner announced yesterday, "In case you haven't noticed I'm a bigger dick than my father."

In that spirit, Steinbrenner said that his Yankees are making too much money and they're going to have to work harder. "They're (the players) are getting paid too much f***ing money," said Steinbrenner, "and they're going to have to start doing more than play baseball."

The Yankees' CEO announced a new work order which will assign players additional duties to their normal baseball responsibilities. Steinbrenner posted a new job order list where players will have to stay after games and "pitch in to clean up the stadium." "There's a boatload of body hairs all over the locker room and I want them picked up," screamed Steinbrenner. In addition Steinbrenner wants all of the Yankees to pitch in and clean up all of the spent peanut shells in the stadium.

Shortstop Derek Jeter commented, "You know peanuts are a lot of work to eat. First you've got to break open the shell and sometimes there's just one little crappy peanut to eat after doing all that work." Catcher Jorge Posada said, "Yeah, but did you ever try and crack open a Brazil nut...talk about work." All the talk about nuts made Steinbrenner realized there is entirely too many people eating sunflower seeds and spitting out the shells.

And all the talk about food waste got Steinbrenner thinking, "You know what if we took all the popcorn on the ground and converted it to ethanol, we could probably make a decent profit and help out with the gas crisis." President Bush commented, "That's a hellava idea and personally, I really like that Orville Reddenhooker stuff."

President Bush announced that turning spilled stadium popcorn into ethanol will be the cornerstone of his new energy initiative.

Evansville, IN -- Larry Bird filed a lawsuit against a couple who bought his former home in French Lick, Indiana, and are improperly using his name to promote a bed and breakfast.

The lawsuit filed in U.S. District Court claims and the couple Bob and Mary, do not have permission to use the former NBA star's name for profit. The lawsuit contends that Bob and Mary are inviting people into the house and saying things like, "Hey, right over here is where Larry Bird used to eat his Rice Krispies and right over here is where Larry Bird used to take a leak."

Bob and Mary claim in a countersuit that "Bird is just being a dickhead." Their attorney , Ted, filed papers with the court yesterday. The countersuit says, "Come on, are you kidding me? what do you mean we can't say it's Larry Bird's old house, like what, do you actually think we bought this house and are not going to tell people Larry Bird lived in the house? like you guys are out of your f***ing minds."

Judge Harry Dichter said, "I've never in all my life seen such a poorly written legal brief as the one filed on behalf of Bob and Mary."

Ted the lawyer added in his argument things like, "Like if you bought Larry Bird's old house, and if someone came over for a beer, you wouldn't say something like, 'Hey, guess who used to live here? Larry Bird.' And if people said something like, 'oh, really? Larry Bird actually lived here?' so what's the big deal with charging a few buck to take a dump on toilet that Larry Bird crapped on?"

Judge Dichter asked the question, "Did Larry Bird really come from a town called French Lick?" "Wow," added the judge, "I think I saw a movie by the same name."

Beijing, China -- The Chinese government announced yesterday that they might consider inviting the controversial leader of Tibet to the Summer Olympic games.

Premier Fold Mi Tao said, "Yeah, we'll look like a bunch of douche bags if we don't invite him so what the hell, send him an invitation." Tao said that last year the government invited the Dalai Lama to a Chinese New Year Party and, "he got wrecked and ended up diving into a bowl of duck sauce." Tao is also concerned that he'll bring "a bunch of those crazy Tibetans with him."

The Dalai Lama said, "I might go, I might not, it all depends if they give me one of those superboxes." "If I don't get a superbox with my own bar, then forget it," said the spiritual leader. Tao reacted angrily to the superbox request saying, "Now I've got to worry about a caterer? Christ, politics is hard work." The Lama added, "Hey, I've got an idea, maybe I'll start the games off with an opening prayer."

The Vatican responded immediately to the news that the exiled leader will kick off the games with a prayer. Pope Benedict said, "Did you ever catch one of those Buddhist prayers? Jees, they can chant for like two days." The Pontiff suggested, "Look why don't Il open up with a Hail Mary and I'm out there in less than a minute."

Here's a shot of the spread they had to put out for the Dalai Lama at a recent Giants game. One stadium official said, "For a little guy he can put the food away."

Los Angeles, CA -- A memorabilia dealer and former friend of O.J. Simpson became the 2 billionth person to reveal that O.J. Simpson killed his ex-wife.

Mike Gilbert, decided to give up a life of selling old baseball cards in malls on weekends in order to pen a new book, "How I Helped O.J. Get Away With Murder: The Shocking Inside Story of Violence, Loyalty, Regret, and Remorse and Did I Mention, This Is A Long F***ing Title." The book was released to the Associated Press yesterday and Gilbert says in the book, "I know many won't believe this, but the surprise is, that O.J. Simpson killed his wife with a knife."

Millions were shocked at the news and LAPD detectives released a statement saying, "Wow, what a f***ing shocker! We knew eventually someone like Mike Gilbert would help us solve this crime. We're just sorry it took so long for everyone to figure out it was O.J."

Gilbert's book tells how O.J., high on marijuana, pills, and alcohol, confessed to him that he did kill his wife and then asked him, "to pinky swear that he wouldn't tell anyone." Gilbert said that, "I did pinky swear but I had my fingers on my other hand crossed behind my back." He adds, "I remember thinking at that moment, 'this could be a book.'"

Lawyers for O.J. met later yesterday at a prayer service where they knelt down and thanked God for O.J. Seven hundred lawyers prayed simultaneously to God, praising him for "sending a client who never goes away."

Most sports memorabilia dealers agreed that they would rather pen a book about O.J. than carry all this useless, overpriced memorabilia shit around with them.

Los Angeles, CA -- NBA MVP Kobe Bryant told fans yesterday that basketball and the playoffs in general, "bores the shit out of me."

Bryant announced that he was turning to juggling and magic for "something to keep me interested." NBA officials reacted to the news with glee. "We really need something to promote fan interests," said David Stern. "Our surveys indicate that fans would rather see people clean up elephant shit than watch a routine NBA game." explained Stern. "I love the idea of combining circus performing with basketball because after the Tim Donaghy scandal died down, we weren't left with much," added the very short Stern.

The Lakers embraced the idea of promoting Bryant's new found passion. Lakers owner Jerry Buss said, "Come to think of it, NBA bores the shit out me too so let's get some lion tamers and maybe a trapeze and have a circus." Buss added, "Phil Jackson looks like one of those freaky guy on stilts so we won't have to hire one of those tall dudes."

Bryant has been working on a seal act where he keeps a ball in the air with his head, flaps his hands and feet, while simultaneously trying to have sex with young female fans in the audience. "Chicks dig seals," said Bryant, "and I could do some pretty neat things with a trapeze, if you catch my drift."

Foxboro, MA -- The controversial tapes taken by the NFL offices from the New England Patriots were put on display today for all America to watch.

The tapes turned over by former Patriot employee Matt Walsh showed that the New England coaching staff had some very odd television viewing habits. Several tapes had old episodes of sitcoms, "Saved By The Bell" and "Full House", as well as several Paris Hilton sexual encounters AND the entire Tommy Lee/Pamela Anderson porn episode.

Walsh told reporters, "Come on, what do think we mean by watching tape?" He further asked, "Do you expect us to watch like re-runs of football plays or something?" Walsh said that the Patriot staff usually would meet on Thursday evenings for cards and beer and "when the card game got stale, we'd watch some porn."

Surprisingly Walsh revealed that Patriot coach Bill Belichick especially "liked the Olsen twins before their teen years." Walsh remembers Belichick saying, "IF they're giving off signals, I want to know about it." Both Olsen sisters revealed in a Barbara Walters interview that in the early 90's, they had an intimate relationship with former Massachusetts Senator Edmund Brooke. "But," they added, "We really dig that cut-off grey sweatshirt that Bells wears."

There are tons of signals being given off here by the cast of "Saved By The Bell", helping the Patriots to several Super Bowl appearances.

Dallas, TX -- Dallas Cowboy receiver Terrell Owens woke up this morning in a cold sweat from a dream he was having where he caught five touchdowns in the Super Bowl for the Philadelphia Eagles.

"Initially," said Owens, "I was proud of myself because I'm the greatest football player alive, but, then I realized that Donovan McNabb was the quarterback and I realized something is wrong." Owens woke up, immediately called his agent, Drew Rosenhaus, and the two men held a press conference.

Rosenhaus protected Owens from fielding questions about the dream. "All I can tell you at this time is that T.O. had a bad dream," explained Rosenhaus. "We believe that the Philadelphia Eagles intentionally entered Terrell's dream state and tried to exploit him in the dream to win a fictitious Super Bowl." While Owens did situps next to Rosenhaus, his agent claimed, "T.O. has no comment about his dream of being an Eagle, and that's all I want to say at this time." The super agent did say that he would request the NFL office to review the dream and penalize the Philadelphia Eagles for invading Owens' dream life. "It's blatent disrespect for Terrell by the Eagles trying to work their way into his dreams," said Rosenhaus.

"Freud suggested the bad dreams let the brain gain control over emotions from distressing experiences," tutored Rosenhaus. He warned, "It's unacceptable that the Eagles be allowed to randomly enter a player's dream state and we're prepared to have T.O. stop dreaming in the upcoming season."

Eagles coach Andy Reid denied entering Owens dream. "Certainly it's something we've talked about doing and I'm not saying I haven't entered other people's dreams but truthfully, if someone is dreaming about a 350 lb. man, he's got some serious issues."

Chicago, IL -- The Chicago White Sox, feeling that they needed something to turn their slumping fortunes around, placed inflatable dolls around the locker room, setting off a controversy amongst women's groups.

White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen said that having his players interact with inflatable women, "keeps the locker room loose." "A woman who is there for you when you're going through tough times but doesn't talk is a real gift," explained Guillen. "The bottom line is that you can custom make your inflatable woman and then leave her whenever you feel like it with no consequences," he added.

Several players said that their lives have turned around since the introduction to the dolls. One pitcher said about his doll, "I used to have one of those inflatable ducks that you could put around your waist in the swimming pool." "But," he added, "it's a lot more fun to put a inflatable woman around your waist if you know what I mean." "And," he continued, "there's no 'I've got a headache' bullshit, which just make for great convenience."

Advocates for the inflatable dolls say that this attitude is just demeaning to women. Psychologist Helen Gurley Burley said, "Women can't compete with inflatable dolls. We have so many different expectations to meet as women, that to want us to inflate and deflate is too much to ask."

George Humpster, President of the National Association of Men for Inflatable Women said, "You know, if you going boating or something, you should consider taking an inflatable woman. She could save your life."

New York, NY -- The wife of Yankees superstar third baseman Alex Rodriguez said in an interview yesterday on a show called, "Yesterdays", that "Alex is a pussy."

Cynthia Rodriguez explained that during the birth of his first daughter, A-Rod passed out. "I'm there moaning and groaning, pushing and contracting, and this big, wimp is on the floor stone cold." "I swear to God," added Mrs. Rodriguez, "if he didn't make about 50 mil a year, I'd leave his ass."

The slugger's wife did admit, "Ladies, you can put up with a pussy if he makes a lot of money." "Remember," she emphasized, "money plus pussy... okay... pussy no money, garbage dump."

Dr. Phillip McGraw, noted bald babbler of really obvious psychological bull shit, commented, "I think Cynthia makes a valid point. A pussy like A-Rod can get away with just about anything if you have a 100 plus million contract." Dr. Phil added, "There's nothing worse than a whining pussy with no money." McGraw explained that he will see a client who is an obvious whining pussy but not before getting payment in full for services.

Ten out of ten psychologists surveyed for this article agreed that listening to a whining pussy is pure torture but listening to a whining pussy at $150 per hour is "just good business."

Historians agree that infamous Soviet dictator Josef Stalin, "was a big, whining pussy but was able to kill anyone he felt like."

San Paulo, Brazil -- Brazilian soccer star Ronaldo came out of hiding yesterday to admit, "Yes, I paid for sex with cross-dressing prostitutes."

Calling it the biggest mistake of his life, Ronaldo's mother compared it to the time he accidentally put laundry soap on his cereal mistaking it for table sugar. "I've been on him for years to get his eyes checked," screamed Mrs. Ronaldo. Ronaldo admitted, "I don't see too good but I think I look funny in glasses."

Ronaldo said he wasn't aware the prostitutes were cross-dressers until he got to the motel with them and discovered they were men. "Gee, I had already paid them for sex and then, as you can I imagine, I was in a real pickle." He continued, "Do you get what you've already paid for or claim it on your income tax form as a business loss?"

Accountant Len Swerling said, "It's a really tough accounting call but I think you've got to go ahead and have the sex you've paid for but then again, you've got to hope the cross-dressing men can keep a secret." Swerling added, "IRS auditors really scrutinize the business loss deduction due to not getting sex that you paid for."

Ronaldo explained, "It's just time that I break down, have the eye exam and wear spectacles rather than be the spectacle." He admitted, "This is like the twentieth time this kind of thing has happened and if that's not an optometry wake-up call, I don't know what is."

Ronaldo further admitted that, "The stress from this eye thing has forced me to let myself go."

Austin, TX -- Chicago Bears running back Cedric Benson was charged with failing a sobriety test while operating a 30-foot boat, then resisting arrest before being hit with pepper spray by police officers.

The former Texas Longhorn spoke to the Chicago Sun-Times and said that he was not drunk and he did not resist the arrest. Benson was carrying 15 passengers on his boat at the time of his arrest. "Sure we were drinking, sure we were naked, sure there was lots of sex, but we're not the Minnesota Vikings," said Benson. Benson was particularly upset that he was pepper-sprayed. "All I can say is...sheeeeet that sheeeet burns," said Benson.

Police in Texas, long known for their gentle handling of criminal behavior, use pepper spray in most Southwestern recipes. Police chief Lyndon Baines said, "Pepper spray just adds the right amount of spice to any dish." Baines added, "I'm sure my men were just adding some flavor to a dish when they accidentally got some spray on Cedric." Baines offered reporters some very tasty wings with pepper spray and everyone agreed that pepper spray in an underutilized ingredient in most kitchens.

Food expert Lindy Lovelace said, "Most people think pepper spray just makes you choke, but it adds zest to even the blandest meals and it keeps criminals out of your kitchen." Lovelace, the daughter of former film star Linda Lovelace added, "And I know a thing or two about choking."

Later, Benson and police sat down to a big, plate of ribs with pepper spray and all was forgiven and everyone lived happily ever after.

Here a police officer adds just the right amount of pepper spray seasoning to a zealous fan.

Norfolk, VA -- Former Olympic sprinter Tim Montgomery was arrested and faces a detenition hearing charges of distributing heroin.

Montgomery, 33, was arrested on Wednesday in Norfolk, Virginia on an indictment from the U.S. Attorney's Office charging him with conspiracy to possess with intent to distribute. Montgomery denied that he intended to distribute because, "I just like to keep it all to myself." The runner told the judge that he was very involved in helping drug addicts kick the drug habit.

"Did you ever see that commercial with the eggs and the announcer says, 'here is your brain and here is your brain on drugs'?" Montgomery says he takes the same strategy when he talks with addicts. "Usually I drop my pants and show them my tiny asshole," explained Montgomery. "I tell them here's your ass, and then I put a large cucumber up my ass and I say 'here's my ass in prison' and somehow the addicts get the message."

Montgomery admitted that most drug addicts are too stoned to care about an anti-drug message but "I sell a lot of cucumbers."

New York, NY -- Television celebrity Barbara Walters admitted yesterday to Oprah Winfrey that she had a torrid affair with baseball legend Babe Ruth sometime in the 30's.

Walters, who has had affairs with hundreds of men, lists her age as 78 but dental records reveal she was born somewhere around 1903, making her 105. People close to the reporter say that Walters has the best make-up and hair stylist in the entertainment business. Winfrey complimented Walters saying, "Seriously you don't look a day over 99."

Yesterday, Walters was revealing several of the men she has had sex with when she slipped in the comment about Ruth, which gave her age away. Walters tried recovering from the gaffe by saying she met Ruth when she interviewed him as one of her "Most Fascinating People of 1952." But quickly Winfrey responded by saying Ruth was dead by then and that "makes you over 100 years old and a goddamn liar."

Walters quickly recovered and switched the subject to her affairs with Yankees manager Casey Stengel, Giants quarterback Y. A. Title, and former Massachusetts senator Edward Brooke. "For some reasons I'm drawn sexually to athletes," said Walters, "and several times I've tried unsuccessfully to get into Michael Jordan's pants." Jordan commented, "Man, she's got a great makeup person, and I'd have sex with her except I couldn't stand listening to that voice of hers."

Former Walters' co-host Rosie O'Donnell said, "I never had sex with Babe Ruth but back in the day, if I was living then, I would have like to bag Babe Didrickson."

Hoochikee, FL -- Golfer John Daly raised the stakes in his on-going feud with former golf coach Butch Harmon.

Daly claimed earlier in the week that Butch Harmon apologized for dropping him because of his excessive drinking. Harmon, the famous swing coach, denied apologizing to Daly, saying, "The most disgusting site in the world is John Daly naked and I'll never apologized to an ugly naked guy."

The comment hurt Daly deeply and forced him to down fourteen bottles of Jack Daniels. The two crossed paths at a Florida clubhouse where Daly attacked Harmon with a handful of swizzle sticks and plastic tooth picks. Harmon sustained superficial injuries and was treated by the bartender and then served dinner.

Witnesses say that Harmon was able to fend off the swizzle sticks but took a few jabs with the toothpicks. Later Daly confessed, "Seriously I thought he was a big, overgrown olive. I was just trying to get him in my martini." Harmon said that he was fine and had to get back to coaching Phil Mickelson for his annual choke in the U.S. Open.

For some reason, this shot of John Daly without a shirt doesn't bother us at all.

Rondersville, PA -- A skilled hunting dog was suspended and dismissed from the Rondersville Hunting Club for behavior unbecoming of a member.

George, a 4-year old mongrel, had been a staple of the club helping hunters fetch and sniff out duck, pheasants, and possums. Sadly, George was caught in a compromising cross-species sexual position with a reluctant Canadian geese.

Hunting club President Ralph Freise explained, "If the word gets around that our dogs can't control themselves then prey are just going to fly over Rondersville and ignore us altogether." Freise said that George had been warned several times earlier to refrain from "this type of inappropriate behavior." But Freise added, "Dogs will be dogs and a few days in the cooler will send a message to him and the other hunting dogs."

Animal rights activists say they believe that George is being treated unfairly. Hannah Jack, a local spokesperson, said, "Sure if a farmer wants to bang a sheep, that's normal country boy behavior but God forbid, a dog goes after a duck!"

AVERY JOHNSON REFUSES TO LEAVE

Dallas, TX -- Former Dallas Mavericks coach Avery Johnson refused to leave his position as head coach of the team.

Johnson learned after the Mavericks early exit from the playoffs that his services would no longer be required. But Johnson did not take kindly to the news. "I did lose the f***ing game, they did," said Johnson pointing to his players. He screamed, "I'm just a coach, I say things like, 'come on guys, let's score some points' or come on guys let's play some defense.'" Johnson insisted that if the players don't score points or play defense then he is not responsible.

Dirk Nowitzki responded in German but no one close could speak German so he may very well have said something like, "I like Beck's beer better than St. Pauli Girl." Power forward Josh Howard smoked a joint and seem disconnected to the whole event as he munched on brownies and french fries.

Mavericks owner Mark Cuban insisted, "Larry Brown is going to turn this franchise around starting right now."

Johnson screamed to Nowitzki, "No, you leave!"

LARRY BROWN RESIGNS AGAIN AND AGAIN

Charlotte, NC -- Charlotte Bobcats head coach Larry Brown resigned yesterday just two hours after being hired by the franchise.

Brown, long known for his restlessness, stated, "I think it's time to move on and maybe coach somewhere else." Team officials were not surprised by expressed gratitude for all that Brown had done for the franchise. Team president, Michael Jordan said, "We needed someone to come in here and shake things up and that's what Larry did." Jordan added, "He's a legend and we were lucky to have him as our head coach."

Several players were saddened by Brown's departure. "He made us more as basketball players and as men," said forward Emeka Okafur, "and I learned everything I know about basketball in just the short time I spent with Larry Brown." Guard Raymond Felton expressed feelings by saying, "He got everyone to think TEAM first and we really gelled as a cohesive basketball team."

With tears in his eyes, Brown whimpered, "You have to be careful not to stay in one place too long because you get stale." "But," he continued, "I'll always treasure my time with the Bobcats and I thank the organization for the couple of hours we had together."

Later yesterday, Brown coached the Miami Heat, the Chicago Bulls, and Memphis Grizzlies.

Larry Brown, seen here, driving to Minneapolis to coach the Timberwolves.

SAY IT AIN'T SO, ROGER!

New York, NY -- Saying that all is fair in love and war, attorneys for trainer Brian McNamee dropped a bombshell yesterday by announcing that Roger Clemens had a decade long affair with country singer Mindy McCready.

The judge in the case immediately reacted with questions, "Mindy McCready? Who the hell is she? Did I ever hear of her? Do I have any of her records? Can you name me one hit she had?" Clemens was dumbfounded by the questions and said, "I don't think she ever made a record but boy-o-boy can she sing in the shower."

Clemens attorney Rusty Hardin said, "Seriously, I'm a big shot lawyer earning millions of bucks off this steroid thing and really my name is Rusty." Clemens asked, "What's with the Rusty thing? My dog's name is Rusty." Hardin said the whole affair allegation is a huge fabrication on part of McNamee's team but did admit that Clemens had an affair with Tracey McGrady. "Wow, you ought to hear him sing country music," said Hardin about the All-Star Houston Rockets forward. "You'd think he'd be a rapper," explained Hardin, "but he can really belt out those Mindy McCready hits."

McGrady said that he had no recollection of having sex with Clemens but he did say he fantasized about singing a country duet with McCready because, "our names sound alike and 'McCready and McGrady' just would look cool on a marquee in Vegas."

Roger Clemens posing with Tracy McGrady during better times.

DOG SHOW MARRED BY MASS SUICIDE

New York, NY -- Hundreds of spectators and dog owners were shocked yesterday at a New York Kennel Club dog show when a group of dogs carried out their suicide pact.

Investigators are trying to piece together the evidence but they admit that they are somewhat stymied because, "no one spoke to the dogs before they killed themselves." From what few facts that exist, it seems that the dogs were influenced by a angry retriever named Jonesey, who for months has been urging dogs to boycott dog shows.

Witnesses say that Jonesey was highly uncooperative at earlier shows and "he refused to prance and trot on command." Several sources close to the case revealed that several dogs had been seen "sniffing and mulling around each other genitalia." Canine experts can't be sure what dogs are communicating while sniffing each other but it is apparent in this case that dogs were saying things like, "Being a dog sucks, let's kill ourselves," and "There's a better world waiting for us on the other side."

What is known is that the dogs sat in a poisonous substance and then licked themselves to death. Dog suicide pacts are rare but not unprecedented. In 1972, seventeen basset hounds tied their ears together and jumped off the Verazano Bridge. Dr. Al Posada, a vet specializing in dog psychiatry, explained, "There is a dark, underbelly to the dog show world." He added, "Sometimes dealing with life becomes too painful and dogs have no choice but to end it all." "Leave us not judge these animals," he cautioned, "but lets try and prevent an ugly tragedy like this from happening again."

Sadly, no suicide note was left by any of the animals because dogs can't read or write.