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SHECKSTEIN DENIES SEXUAL ENCOUNTER WITH ANDREA McNULTY Jockweb, HQ -- Jockweb CEO and all-around straight laced good American boy, Shecky Sheckstein denied that he had a sexual encounter with Andrea McNulty. McNulty, the center of a case involving sex with Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Rothelisberger, has never accused Sheckstein of having sex with her voluntarily or involuntarily. Despite McNulty denials that she never met Sheckstein, the Jockweb founder thought it prudent to "deny unequivocally that I ever had sex with Andrea McNulty." Sheckstein admitted going to a celebrity golf outing hoping to be considered a celebrity and "who knows maybe there a groupie or two that want to have sex with a loser like myself." But Sheckstein couldn't even get tees in the pro shop and was asked to leave the country club grounds on the grounds, "that no one knows who you are and you don't fit the criteria for a celebrity golf tournament." Later Sheckstein hung around a hotel hopefully trying to stir some female interest in himself but there were no takers. McNulty bragged later, "I had sex with Rothelisberger but who's this Sheckstein guy?" Sheckstein appearing hurt and confused told reporters later, "This whole episode has been a nightmare for me and my family...we want to just put the whole thing behind us and who knows, maybe someday Andrea McNulty will want to have sex with me."
These guys weren't invited to the celebrity golf tournament either but who knows, maybe they had some luck with Andrea McNulty. TULOWITZKI WANTS CYCLE OR HE WALKS Denver, CO, -- Colorado Rockies shortstop Troy Tulowitzki hit a single, double, triple, and home run last night for his team's 11-5 victory over the Chicago Cubs. However after the game, Tulowitzki was angered and appears ready to walk away from the team if he doesn't get a new Harley Davidson. "I hit for the cycle and I want the cycle," said an angry Tulowitzki after the game when he was informed that the cycle was a baseball term used when a hitter gets a single, double, triple, and home run. "What kind of bull shit is that?" he asked, "all year, I've gone up there every time trying to hit for the cycle and now I've done it and no one wants to give it to me." Manager Jim Tracey commented, "Look he's a baseball player, what do you expect?" However the Rockies management held fast with one spokesperson saying, "We're ready to compromise and maybe give him one of those plastic big wheel things or we'd consider a used Schwinn off of e-Bay but there ain't no way going 5-5 gets you a Harley." Tulo is the fifth Rockie player to hit for the cycle and "this shit franchise has never made good on one cycle," commented Brad Hawpe who hit for the cycle 9 years ago. "I've been driving around in a used Kia for the last nine years waiting for my cycle," said Hawpe, "so the best thing for Tulo to do is walk."
Come on Rockies, at least breakdown and get him one of these little shits. REGGIE MILLER WARNED BY PLANE ADVERTISEMENT Santa Monica, CA -- Former NBA star Reggie Miller was given a stern warning from a jealous husband, who warned Miller publicly to stay away from his wife. Alex Von Furstenburg took out an advertisement on the hanging plane sign letting all the world know that not only can Reggie Miller wreck a zone defense, he can also wreck a home. Miller, allegedly, has been actively pursuing Ali Kay, the significant other of Mr. Von Furstenburg but the husband would not be intimidated by Miller's star status. As beachgoers sunbathed, a old single prop plane flew by dragging a long sign which read, "Reggie Miller Stop Pursuing Married Women!" Confusion ran amok all over the beach. "I count on beach advertisement for all of my beachgoing needs," said sunbather Greg Adonis. "I need critical information as to using a SBF rating 35 or 45 Coppertone product and yet, I'm at a loss because of Reggie Miller." Others expressed outrage that the public airwaves were used to chastise the former Indiana Pacer. "I want to know who's got $2 drafts when I get off the beach and the plane is there to tell me that," said alcoholic Ralph Tenby. Plane flying advertisement is a lucrative business and experts predict huge growth in the third quarter of this year but it falls off drastically in the winter months on the east coast because it's just too f***ing cold to go to the beach and no one on a beach in January cares if Reggie Miller is trying to knock down a 3-way with his neighbors.
Bravo to those courageous few that have the balls to fly these little shit planes over the ocean for the betterment of advertising. BADMINTON TOURNEY IN TATTERS Hyderabad, India -- The England National Badminton team pulled out of the World Badminton Championships after they received a threat from terrorist extremists. The Muslim extremists promised, "to really mess up your game cause we can't believe that you actually have a world championship for badminton." The terrorist group posted a letter in the Hyderabad Gazeet saying, "Badminton is a game that should be played in your backyard...we have enjoyed the game several times in several barbecue menus, most recently on the July 4th holiday weekend, but to have national teams compete for world title in badminton is just ridiculous and deserves death." Badminton England chief executive Alan Smilty responded, "We'll not be intimidated by terrorists and we would continue in the tournament but we're all suffering from the effects of this spicy Indian food." Smilty explained that the entire team has come down with "intestinal issues" due to "mean Tandoori chicken." He said, "Were it not for complete organizational diarreaha, we would stay back and fight these nasty terrorists as proper Englishmen with rackets and croquet sticks." "We may appear to be swishy English homos but give us a shuttlecock and we cannot be stopped," he continued. Later, the Team India took issue with the spelling of the word "badminton." Coach Ravi Davi Havi complained bitterly, "It could easily be 'badmitten' or 'badmutton' or 'cocksmacking' but 'badminton' is worry, worry difficult for me to pronounce."
Warning to extremists: Badmitten is a real sport played by real athletes! JOE DIMAGGIO NUDE HANGS IN GALLERY; NOT FOR SALE! San Francisco, CA -- A rare vintage photograph of Joe DiMaggio posing nude is hanging in a San Francisco art gallery and is not for sale despite intense interest by collectors. The photo was taken somewhere around 1940 and shows DiMaggio naked in a shower room and viewers have proof positive that the Yankee Clipper had something longer than his hitting streak. Indeed, our nation has turned it's lonely eyes to you, wooooo, wooooo, woooooo. The museum curator Robert C. Mijohnson said, "I could have hung anywhere but I chose San Francisco, I don't know why, I just think the fans here appreciate this kind of thing." DiMaggio had a reputation for posing nude on a regular basis. "There were two things Joe loved," said Mijohnson, "and that was posing nude and using his Mr. Coffee automatic coffee maker." Former Cincinnati Reds gambling, cheating, disgraced player/manager Pete Rose was on hand outside the gallery yesterday trying to peddle some Pete Rose memorabilia and said, "You want nude pictures of baseball players? I got plenty of pictures of me nude and they're for sale AND I'll autograph my bat just for you for ,of course, let's say...$1500?" Rose immediately took out his I-phone, stripped naked, posed, took pictures of himself, downloaded to a laptop, and printed out 12,500 fully colored "Original Pete Rose Nudes." As he sat as a improvised card table outside of the gallery, Rose hoped that one day, his reputation would be restored and his nudes would be hanging in the gallery next to DiMaggio's. "IF you look carefully, there's some real similarities between Joe and me...and I just hope Bud Selig can see it."
DiMaggio, in his later years, loved a good cigar while posing nude for family and friends. GERMAN SOCCER SONG OFFENDS MUSLIMS Gelsenjerken, Germany -- A fight song for the German soccer club FC Schlake has irked Muslims throughout the world because of its reference to the prophet Mohammad. The club has hired an Islamic scholar to see first, if the song is indeed offensive and second, to seek to understand whether or not Mohammad actually liked soccer. The third verse of the song goes something like this (and please while singing the song, hold a full mug of beer over your head for effect), "Mohammad was a prophet who understoond nothing about football, but of all the lovely colors he chose (Schlake's) blue and white." Thousands of experts and a lot of pissed off Muslims weighed in on the song over the past few days and it's only a matter of time before millions will die. We, at Jockweb, are proceeding with extreme caution, trying not to offend anyone in the reporting of this story. Normally, we don't care about offending any member of the human race regardless of race, creed, or country of origin, but in this case, we're confident that any jokes at any one's expense could result in the death of one or several of our staff members. IF anyone is offended by this story, you should voice your complaint to Jockweb CEO Shecky Sheckstein, 762 Anystreet, USA to voice your complaint or go nuts and kill someone out of religious fervor. For the record, we did not speak to anyone about Mohammad or his attitude towards soccer, clothing, or team colors. AND that's all we're going to say about this. AND we recommend to the Schlake folks, substitute a Jesus in there or a Martin Luther or anyone who no one cares about offending. AND don't say we didn't tell you, if a couple of bombs go off in Hamburg or one of those other sausage stuffing cities you live in. (Oh, we're just kidding about sausage stuffing stereotype. Please don't assemble a bunch of old Nazis and come after us and stuff us in some ovens and parade around in those high boots with scary armbands...no, we're still kidding...oh, for God's sake, why are you Germans so f***ing sensitive?)
.Do you think we would risk offending German soccer fans? Not on your weinerschnitzel! JR SMITH'S TWITTER PAGE STIRS UP GANG CONTROVERSY Denver, CO -- Denver Nuggets' guard J.R. Smith has raised suspicions with his Twitter page that he is communicating in a secret gang code that is associated with the much feared "Bloods" gang. Supposedly, the "Bloods" drop the "C" in all words and replace it with a "K" so Smith twittered sentences like, "Hey, I'm drinking koffee with kream," and "Hey, I'm eating a kupkake with a glass of kranberry juice." Police investigators believe that Smith is communicating criminal and drug dealing gang messages to other gang members through this type of activity. "Koffee with kream is absolutely code for krack kokaine," explained Detective Rocky Mountain. "Don't be fooled," added Mountain, "these Bloods have a whole different way of communicating, and the average idiot on the street could never grasp the sophistication of letter substitution." Long time U.S. Army code specialist S.O. Seltzer said, "This was an extremely tough kode to krack...it's pure genius and it just shows how gangs can operate so efficiently under the radar of law enforcement." Seltzer added, "The possibilities are endless...imagine if we substituted a 'B' for a 'P' and people started twittering things like, 'Hey, I'm scratching my benis', wouldn't that confuse a lot of poor teenagers?" " Even the Ploods citties are dangerous. TIGER WOODS DENIES FART Akron, OH -- Golfer Tiger Woods continues to sit in the middle of a firestorm but remains steadfast in his denial that he did not cut a fart on national television during the last round of the Buick Open. The controversy began during CBS coverage when announcer David Ferhety was walking along the 18th fairway and a loud sonic boom was picked up by a microphone. Initially both fans thought and CBS reported that the noise was a Air Force jet breaking the sound barrier but later the television giant changed their story to say the boom came from Wood's ass. Woods later blamed Ferhety while Ferhety blamed Woods and now it looks like caddy Steve Williams may have to take the blame. Woods said that his life is in shambles and he has had to endure the shame and humiliation of being labeled a "public nuisance." "My wife sleeps down the street at a neighbor's house," explained Woods. Williams, the ever loyal caddy, did what ever good caddy would do, he took the blame. Williams released a statement earlier today that both insincere and hardly believable saying, "It was my fart." Speculation abounds that Williams and Woods had a deal that if Williams took the blame, his bag fee would go up $100 for Sunday's round. Ferhety has seemed to walk away from the incident "scot-free" with no blemish on his CBS career. Longtime fart investigator Len Swillow commented, "This how every fart case goes...you have the fart, you have the denial of the fart, you have the blame, the scattered crowd, and then the question of who did it which is the most difficult of all human questions to answer." We may never know the truth of who cut the fart on the 18th but one thing is for sure, the lives of all that witnessed the event will never be the same.
Swillow explained that the sly smile on Woods face is a sure fire clue that he has released a sneaky fart. CLEVELAND HOLDS RECORD SETTING ARTS AND CRAFTS CLASS Cleveland, OH -- A record 43,310 baseball fans participated in what was the largest arts and crafts instructional class in history. It all started when the Indians traded popular catcher Victor Martinez to the Boston Red Sox last week. But no one squared the trade away with the team's marketing department, who had already planned a Victor Martinez bobblehead night for last night's game. But then came bohemian artist Kendall Whaddle, who told the Indians' organization, "Let's have a painting class." The Indians agreed that it would be great if the fans could paint a new uniform on the bobblehead rather than throw them out. So Whaddle, meticulously instructed all 43,310 fans on painting a new Bosox uniform on the dolls. In the process the Indians set a record in the Guinness Book of Records for outside painting of bobblehead dolls. The former record was held by Green Bay when 8 people showed up to paint their Brett Favre bobbleheads. Later, one Indians fan agreed, "This is absolutely the most fun you can have in Cleveland, aside from riding around at night with Donte Stallworth."
Whaddle said that his next outdoor art gig will take place in Baghdad. NFL BOOKS GAME IN ROMAN COLISEUM Rome, Italy -- The National Football League and the Italian government finally reached an agreement yesterday on Roger Goodell's long time dream to have a professional football game played in the famed stadium. Goodell said that the game will feature the Detroit Lions and the Dallas Cowboys and will be played next October to give workers a "few months to get the field in shape." The last game to be played in the Coliseum was in 234 A.D. and it was an overtime chariot race between Marcus Allenius and Julius Jonious. The NFL
commissioner commented, "There's not a bad seat in the place
and we're confident that the I-talians are really going to
take to the game, especially those Dallas cheerleaders."
"We're even going to throw a few Christians to the Lions
just for old times sake and to see if the Lions can defeat
anyone," he added. Pope Benedict blessed the event saying, "This is good for Rome and it's good for football." The Pope added, "We're talking about putting a retractable dome on the stadium cause I'm not happy about being upstaged in Dallas by Jerry Whateverhisname is...you know the ugly guy with the bad rug..." The Pope, an rabid NFL fan, predicted that "those Rams are going to surprise some people and Brett Favre is playing in November, probably in Oakland, cause we know Ja'Marcus Russell is just another Al Davis bust."
If all goes well the NHL will play it's outdoor game there in 2011. MICHELLE KWAN WILL SIT OUT OF OLYMPICS FOR POLITICS Tehran, Iran -- Michelle Kwan announced that she will NOT participate in the 2010 Vancouver Olympic Games and instead of pursuing gold, she will pursue a Master's Degree in International Diplomacy at Tufts University. Kwan told reporters, "Figure skating has always been a pain in my ass, and really what I want to do is some serious ass-kicking on the international scene." Kwan indentified Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran as a "guy I seriously want to get to know." "The son of a bitch is going nuclear and I think I've got the goods to stop him," said Kwan. "I think the chances are pretty damn good that if I get him on some skates, you can bet on the end of global terrorist threat." Kwan wants to use skating as a vehicle to diffuse international tensions. "Let's work out the world's problems in the rink," explained Kwan. Ahmadinejad agreed, "You know, I've always wanted to skate but for some reason I never did, probably because there not a rink near my house...but if I skated regularly, I probably wouldn't want to annihilate Israel." Kwan echoed his thoughts saying, "Let's get Mahmoud in a pair of figure skates dancing to a Vivaldi program and I'm telling you, world peace is just a cello away."
Ahmadinejad said, "Wow, Michelle Kwan's cleavage makes me forget about the domestic unrest that is currently threatening my presidency." BURRESS GOES FOR "ACCIDENT PRONE" DEFENSE New York, NY -- New York Giants wide receiver Plaxico Burress spent yesterday in the courtroom trying to convince the judge that "I'm not dangerous just clumsy." Burress' attorney announced yesterday that "we're going to employ the rarely used 'accident prone' defense" in an effort to get weapons charges dropped. The accident prone defense originated in 1792 when Philadelphian Benjamin Franks used it in a murder trial for his client Otto Joseph (OJ) Wimpson. In the famed case, the lawyer argued that Simpson accidentally tripped while carrying a knife that went into his wife, Rebecca, 37 times ,after he learned that she was having an affair with a local waiter. The same strategy was used again in 1857, when famed trial lawyer Lee F. Baley used it to defend Oscar Jed (OJ) Dimpson. In that case, Baley argued that Dimpson accidentally tripped while carrying a knife that went into his wife, Nellie, 62 times after he learned that she was having an affair with a local waiter. Burress, who hopes to be back in camp by early next week, demonstrated for the judge just how "accident prone I am," when he walked across the courtroom with a box cutting razor, tripped and slashed the juggler vein of an ex-girfriend that he said was cheating on him with a local waiter. "You see, I just accident prone and when ever I have something in my hands it just seems to hurt someone," he pleaded. "Moments later while eating a cup of yogurt, Burress tripped and gouged out the eyes of an ex-girlfriend with spoon, becasue he suspected she was probably cheating on him with a local waiter. Former NFL running back, O.J. Simpson, testified on behalf of Burress, saying, "There you are again you mother f***ing criminal justice system framing a nice guy like Plaxico Burress when he's just another fine fellow like me who tends to be a little accident prone...why isn't anyone doing anything about these local waiters?"
Burress told the judge, "You don't want to get on the same plane as me cause I just attract accidents!" U OF HAWAII TO EMPHASIZE "RAINBOW" IN WARRIORS Honolulu, Hawaii -- The University of Hawaii announced yesterday that there will be renewed focus and energy put into the "Rainbow" in their mascot the "Rainbow Warrior." School officials are reacting to a press conference yesterday where football coach Greg McMackin apologized for a homosexual/phobic slur he made against Notre Dame. McMackin referred to a ritual performed by Notre Dame players ad coaches as a "little faggot dance." After the comment, McMackin tried to beg reporters not to print his comment. Sadly, he couldn't come up with $75 billion dollars in hush money and the report sped around the world irritating at least a dozen or so homosexuals. Now, the University wants to prove that there is no homophobia at all in Hawaii and McMackin said yesterday, "I love homosexuals so much that I'm offering free blow...no, I'm sorry, I was carried away in the moment, maybe I should reconsider how I need to prove that I'm not homophobic...no, please don't print that I said, 'free blow'...oh, no, now my phone will be ringing off the hook, shit, I have a big mouth, oh no, that sounds even worse, please don't print that I have a big mouth..." McMackin finally left the podium escorted with several large gay Hawaiian Warriors. "Aren't they huge and fabulous?" asked McMackin, "and they're gay and I'm walking with them and doesn't that prove that I like homos?" But the University realized afterwards that they would have to resort to damage control so the board of trustees will unroll a full season of "Gay Tail Gates," during this coming season. "We're going to celebrate Gay Tail," said spokesperson Kona Kuma Laude. Kona continued, "Before every game, our gay mascot will really do the gay thing up big, I mean we're talking gay pole dance...how's that? and on top of that, every male over 18 wearing a feather boa gets into the game for free and gets a private massage from Coach McMackin...don't dare call us homophobic!"
Coach McMackin is already for summer camp and assures us, "I'm feeling the bitchiest?" OKLAHOMA QUARTERBACK AUTOGRAPHS NEWBORN THEN CIRCUMCISES Norman, OK -- Oklahoma Sooners quarterback Sam Bradford had a strange request put in front of him last week in Norman restaurant. A young couple with a baby asked Bradford if he would autograph their newborn son. Bradford, not thinking it a big deal, pulled out a sharpie and signed, "Go Sooners" on the baby's bare ass. The couple Opie and Ophelia Stutts jumped for joy when Bradford complied. "Wheeeeeeeooooooo!" shouted Mr. Stutts, "I dun got me a real Sam Bradford signature on little Opie's butt...I ain't ever washing it off." Later young Opie did a major doo-doo in his diaper but the senior Stutts refused to clean up the baby yelling to his wife, "Damn, you make sure you wipe around Sam's signature. Mrs. Stutts carefully negotiated the clean-up of Opie Jr. making sure Bradford's name was intact. Later the excited Stutts asked Bradford to perform a circumcision on baby Opie. Bradford said later, "I was flattered and hell, I'm a student-athlete, I sure as hell oughta be able to remove a little foreskin." With the precision of a mohel, Bradford used his steak knife to fashion a very lovely trimmed penis. "If that don't get me some Heisman hype, I don't know what will," he sighed at the conclusion of the Bris ceremony.
In case you, too, are called into action one day, it's really not a huge deal...the most important thing, is to make sure it's performed on a very young baby who can't talk. Once they're over 21, they can get a little cranky about this type of thing. COWBOYS JONES VOWS, "I'M STILL JERRY!" Irving, TX -- Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones spent several weeks on a deserted island in Micronesia in an attempt to "get back to basics." Jones described his retreat as an "an opportunity to re-connect with the life-force running inside of all of us, except for of course, Terrell Owens." Jones spent six weeks in a remote jungle eating nothing but nuts and wild berries. "Truthfully some of those nuts and berries tasted like animal droppings but when you're hungry in the jungle you don't do too much discriminating," he explained. The owner went as far as to suggest that "maybe we oughta hold camp in Micronesia." "And if we don't make a serious run for the playoffs this year, then big old, tubby Wade might find himself in the jungle for good," Jones promised. Cowboy fans were shocked at Jones new "wilderness look," and several women went as far to say, "Wow, Jerry Jones is a stud!" No, we made that up. No one said that. Seriously, who would say something like that? Really, did anyone, including Mrs. Jones ever say that? Jessica Simpson said it once but that was because she was trying to get to Tony Romo through Jones. Anyway, we're giving Jones some slack and hoping that now that he's back in civilization, he'll be able to re-glue that toupee back on.
Jerry Jones...au natural! BAND PLAYS WRONG ANTHEM AT TOUR DE FRANCE CEREMONY Paris, France -- All of Spain rioted yesterday when the band on the victory stand played the Danish national anthem while Spanish favorite son, Alberto Contador accepted his first place medal. "Give us a break," said bandleader Shutem Kilem. "We had to learn about 96 national anthems for this gig and so I pulled up the wrong sheet music...ah, go f*** yourselves," he said with some serious attitude. However all of Spain refused to go "f*** themselves" and went on a three hour rampage throughout the country where police say there were "mucho pesos" in damages. "Si," said damage estimator Julio Dowmby Soolard. "Lot's of pesos of damage, oh noooo," he added. Second place finisher Andy Schleck of Luxembourg admitted, "I don't think Luxembourg has a national anthem so can I hear Sweden's." Schleck explained, "I don't know much about their music, but I do love their women, so play something Swedish, Sam." Kilem and his bandmates were not paid by race organizers because after the Danish screw up, they played the Jimi Hendrix version of the United States National Anthem and as tribute to Jimi Hendrix and third place finisher Lance Armstrong. They lit their guitars on fire and knelt down in prayer. "We didn't make any money but we looked pretty cool up there," commented an exhausted Kilem. "Like if I wasn't white, do you think I look like Hendrix?" he asked.
Lighting your guitar on fire should not be done at home, it should only be attempted in a concert venue by experienced professionals. SPEEDO CONTROVERSY WON'T GO AWAY Milan, Italy -- They call it "groin doping" and the complaints against Speedo's ultra-light form fitting swim suit continue to swirl above international competition. Nine swimmers at this weekend's World Championships set new records with critics calling for new legislation against the suit. The new Speedo is made of an new hi-tech fiber which holds body part in close to the torso therefore reducing drag. "The other advantage is that it has no seams, it is a continuous piece of fiber," said designer Yves St. Farashocka. Swimmers love the new suit and one competitor claims, "It's like swimming downhill." "I'm telling you, it makes me have ultrasonic genitalia," he added. But FINA, swimming's governing body, said, "International competition should not resemble a French-Canadian beach outing." French-Canadians throughout Canada are celebrating that they are at the center of swimsuit fashion for the first time in history. French-Canadian Yves Dormayvue said, "For years people have looked at me on the beach and said things like, 'Hey, nice package,' or 'Yo Frenchy, that's some bulge you got there,' but now, the world wants to be like us! I'm sooo happy!"
High tech doping or just plain great fashion? Can't we have both? AC DC REFUSES TO RELEASE GUITARIST TO LIONS Detroit, MI -- With NFL summer football camps about to open, the Detroit Lions find themselves embroiled in yet another controversy, this time with rock super group AC DC. Guitarist Wank Harvey announced yesterday that he planned on leaving the band to play left guard for the Lions. "It's been my dream to play for the Lions ever since I was a young boy growing up in Poughkeepsie," said Harvey. But a spokesperson for the band told reporters that the band will not release Harvey from his contractual obligation to tour with the band from September to March. Harvey explained that he was tired of being a rock and roll guitarist and that he wanted to concentrate on football. "Truthfully, I'm sick of the sex, I'm sick of the drugs, and I'm sick of the rock 'n roll," he continued. "If I have to have sex with one more groupie while partying with Jack Daniels and ludes, I'm gonna scream," he said from the Lions shower room. "The truth is, I can do both," he assured both the band and the Lions coaching staff. Harvey said his plan is to practice with the team, keep his guitar licks sharp while rehearsing during gatorade breaks, play on Sundays, and join the band whenever there's a gig. "Look I'm only playing for the Lions...I could get wasted with the band and still protect Matt Stafford, it's not like I'd have to block for Jon Kitna," added Harvey. Former Lions GM Matt Millen threatened to intervene to settle the situation. "I've got lots of experience in these types of situations," said Millen, "and I just want everyone to know, I'm available to do anything that helps out Detroit."
Harvey, back in his college days when he used to play lead guitar for Slippery Rock. MIKE VICK VISITS VETERINARIAN CLINIC ON HIS FIRST DAY OF FREEDOM Norfolk, VA -- NFL Quarterback, jailed animal abuser, and now free man Mike Vick showed all the world he was serious about reinstatement to the professional football ranks by visiting an veterinarian clinic yesterday. "You would think after he was in prison for two years, he'd want to go to a strip club and sex it up a bit," said Vick's friend Allen Iverson from inside a Norfolk strip club. "Wow, look at her," said Iverson pointing to a stripper, "poor Mike, he don't know what he's missing." Vick spent the evening petting dogs and helping doctors administer urgent care to cats, rabbits, and chihuahuas. "If there's one thing I learned from my prison experience it's that veterinarian care is undervalued by our society," said Vick. "For goodness sake, I want to give back," exclaimed Vick. NFL commissioner Roger Goodell was extremely impressed and in a matter of seconds reinstated Vick to NFL status. "You would think after he was in prison for two years, he'd want to go to a strip club and sex it up a bit," said Goodell. "Wow, look at her," said Goodell from inside a Norfolk strip club. "She's mine Allen! GET YOUR F***ING HANDS OFF HER!" yelled Goodell. Iverson, good naturedly released the stripper from his grasp, gave her a $10 for the grope and returned to the bar. Goodell, later bought Iverson some Tanqueray and orange soda, just to show there were no bad feelings. Both men said later, "You'd think at the very least that after being in prison for two year, that Mike would at least go to a gay bar the first night he's out."
You would think at the very least after being in prison for two years, that Mike would at least visit some barnyard animals. CLIPPERS ROLL OUT NEW AD CAMPAIGN Los Angeles, CA -- The Los Angeles Clippers "are about to rise from the dead," or so says their new 2009-2010 marketing season ticket marketing blitz. LA's other team is putting on a full court media press letting fans know that they'll no longer be the town's doormat. The buzz around the Clippers centers around their first draft pick, Blake Griffin. "Blake is our saviour," exclaimed one PR department employee, "and we have died but we have conquered death and we will walk on this earth again." Using the Jesus metaphor, the Clippers will use the resurrection motif on billboards and television commercials with the new tagline, "Watch Us Rise From The Dead." "We're very excited by the campaign," said Clippers owner Donald Sterling, "tickets are flying off the shelves...it's a miracle." One ad features Griffin crucified by Pontus Pilate, die, and then buried. That is followed by a second ad where Griffin rises from the dead three days later and has a triple double. "It's blasphemous," said preacher Oral Roberts from Oklahoma, "and let's join hands and pray that the Clippers will continue with another 15-win season and let's go OC Thunder!"
Griffin on the mock cross commented, "You know this whole resurrection thing could backfire." 12 INJURED IN "RUNNING OF THE ROOSTERS" Pamlona, Iowa -- 12 runners were injured but fortunately no one was killed in the annual "Running of the Roosters" yesterday in Iowa. "The Running of the Roosters" dates back to the 1920's when Ernest Hemingway visited Iowa and wrote about this event in his Pulitizer Prize winning book, "Wow, They've Got Some Mighty Big Roosters." Pamlona, Iowa was inhabited by some lost Mexicans looking for Florida but settled in this midwestern farming community. The residents became known for growing the largest roosters in the world and each year they celebrate this fact by have a gaggle of roosters run thrown the town. Residents run ahead of the roosters trying not to get pecked to death. The roosters normally stay together in a tight pack as they run but yesterday, one young rooster wandered away from the pack and became disoriented. "You don't want to be near a disoriented rooster," said farmer Juan Garcia Garcia. The rooster cornered several runners in the corner and pecked them for over an hour until they were diced and bloodied. He eventually tired of them and moved on but left 12 runners on the ground wondering why they participated in the event. Runner Biff Nimkanhoop explained, "They're no better rush that running through the streets of Pamlona with a bunch of giant roosters chasing you...I'll be back next year." Pamlona mayor Marshall Dick explained, "This is one of the great traditions in the world but when you're dealing with unpredictable giant roosters, you're going to have situations like this." All runner were later released and the roosters were gathered up later and returned to their farms where they woke everyone up this morning at 4am.
Rooster handle Juan Pepe walks his rooster "Cogburn" to the starting line of the run. ERIN ANDREWS SENDS JOCKWEB A THANK YOU NOTE Jockweb, HQ -- Stunning sideline ESPN reporter Erin Andrews is fuming angry over a pervert shooting video of her naked through a peephole but she found time to pen a thank you note to Jockweb editor Shecky Sheckstein. "There's a twisted mind out there," Andrews said yesterday, "and when I find him, his ass is mine!" However she added, "But I want to be clear that throughout this ordeal, my good friends at Jockweb, in particularly the stellar Shecky Sheckstein, did not stoop so low as to put the video up on their site...and for that I'll be forever grateful." Andrews note to Sheckstein read, "Dear Shecky, you're the greatest on-line journalist in the history of cyber shit and frankly if I did want someone to have a video of me naked from a peeping Tom, it would be you I would share it with...thanks again, Erin." Sheckstein was moved to tears by the gesture and commented, "Wow, seriously when I got the note, I thought she was accusing me of being the peeper...and I'm gratified that Erin thinks so much of me as to share the video." Jockweb readers expressed outrage that Jockweb refused to put the video on their site. "I'm absolutely outraged," said reader and frequent contributor Eric Tiltissue. "I can't find this thing anywhere and yet am I the only person who hasn't seen it?" he asked. Sheckstein sought to comfort his readers by assuring them, "If there are really great naked videos of hot celebrities available, we'll do everything in our power to obtain, share, and then hide from lawyers." He added, "Gee fellas, I know you feel cheated, but wasn't that a sweet note from Erin?"
Sheckstein tried soothing upset readers by sharing some photos of the original Andrews Sisters. "You know, if they were around today, I'd love to see them through a keyhole," he said. 81-YEAR-OLD FINISHES NASCAR RACE Portland, OR -- While Tom Watson was wowing folks in Scotland amazing fans with his 59-year-old swing, race car driver Herschel McGriff was driving to a 13th place finish in the NASCAR Camp West Series. McGriff was able to hold the competition at bay for the first two miles of the race at Portland International Speedway while driving a 1978 Cadillac Fleetwood Brougham. "1978 was a hellava year," recalled McGriff, "and I remember it like it was yesterday cause that was the year I pulled over on the Jersey Turnpike with my girlfriend Hazel and we got something going between Exit 4 and 5." His fellow competitors complimented McGriff on his racing strategy. He started out with one foot on the gas and one foot on the brake and never went over 22mph, then dozed off for a lap or two hitting several spectators slowing the race to a halt. Next he stopped at a Drug Emporium for a cigar and then the entire race followed him into a McDonald's where he was able to get a small coffee and an Egg McMuffin for 99 cents. "It pays to
clip those McDonald's coupons from the Sunday paper," said
McGriff who is barely 5'4" and struggles to see over the
wheel. But he was able to stifle the competition by stopping
a record 46 times to urinate holding up the entire line of
cars. Though he battled frequent bladder interruptions he
still managed a very respectable, solid 13th place. "I'm so
excited," he exclaimed, "I think I'm gonna skip the Cialis
tonight." McGriff said after next week's bus trip to a casino, "I'm gonna try and drive cross country in a VW bus." WATSON INSPIRES ENTIRE GENERATION Troon, Scotland -- Golfer Tom Watson has rallied his entire generation of 55-plus-year-olds after his dramatic performance at this year's British Open Golf Championship. Though Watson fell short of a historic victory over eventual winner Stewart Cink, the 59-year-old golfer inspired an entire world of old codgers to go out and recapture their former athletic greatness. Millions of senior citizens came out of their houses and celebrated Watson's triumph in a fashion that screamed, "I may be an old and when I look in the mirror and my ass, I throw up but I'm still a force to be reckoned with." One amazing Watson imitator was Sally Cheekliss of Honalulu, Hawaii. Cheekliss explained that after watching Watson, "I realized it was time for me to tackle the Bonzai pipeline." Cheekliss, without prior surfing experience rented a surfboard, paddled out to over the plus-30 foot waves and proceeded to catch a wave that even the most seasoned surfers backed down from. "I figured, what the f**k, I'm 59 and I haven't had any sex in 20 years but Tom Watson showed me that it was okay to be 59 and do you think he'd have sex with me?" she told reporters after her bikini was washed clear out to sea leaving her fairly wrinkled torso exposed. Quickly the beach was evacuated lest young children be traumatized. Cheekliss, however, said the experience was worth losing her top over. "I want to thank Tom Watson for everything," she continued, "and he can play with my claret jugs any old time he wants." North Korean dictator Kim Il Jong immediately declared, "I was thinking whether or not to attack Hawaii but my satellite photos tell me they've got some hot looking old babes."
Yes, Tom Watson has made a lot of seniors feel 20 years younger including Sally Cheekliss. POLO PLAYING ELEPHANT SIGNED BY DISNEY Humbai, India -- Legendary polo playing elephant Toodles has been lured away from his lucrative career in India to lead the Disney World daily parade. Toodles, who has entertained billions of India elephant polo fans, will now lead fourteen other elephants and hundreds of hot college females belly dancers through the Florida park in the new revised "Aladdin" number. "He's thrilled," said agent Drew Rosenhaus, "and we think he's going to bring some real energy to Disney." The terms of the deal were not disclosed but sources close to Disney said that the elephant get at least 14 bales of hay per day along with unlimited peanuts. Disney
spokesperson Jiminy Wicket said, "Look we're negotiating
with one of the greatest sports agents in history, of course
we paid too much." Longtime Disney elephant Jumbo is said to
be furious as he sounded his angry horn throughout out the
entire night and refused to allow Jafar to get on his back.
Indian polo coach Ram Rama Ramad Raman Noodles said, "Look everyone knows Toodles has been trying to get out of India for a long time and to tell you the truth, who can blame him."
Toodles (A1) rumbles after a ball in last week's elephant polo showdown between Dell Computing Help Desk and Hewlett Packard Do You Have Question? PHOENIX MERCURY TAURASI SLOPPY DRUNK Phoenix, AZ -- Phoenix Mercury WNBA star and role model to small pigtailed girls throughout the world shattered our expectations on Thursday night when she was arrested for "driving under the influence." Taurasi is one of the faces of the WNBA and David Stern has called her, "hotter than Phoenix in July," and she becomes the third Phoenix athlete stopped drunk by police this year. "At least I didn't tell them I was speeding because I was late for a blow-job," said Taurasi later referring to Charles Barkley's earlier arrest in March. TNT commentator Barkley when stopped told police that he was in a hurry because he was late for an appointment for a whistle blowing experience beyond compare. Police speculate that it would be plausible for Taurasi to offer the so called "blow-job" defense if indeed she did because Barkley is still in Phoenix. "Now the Barkley case begins to make perfect sense," said Sgt. Art Licklater. Taurasi was taken in police custody where a blood sample was taken and then she was released after questioning. According to confidential sources Taurasi offered police "a very good time and tickets to the WNBA game of their choice along with a hot dog and a soda," in exchange for burying the whole incident. "It was tempting," explained Licklater, "I mean we may be police officers but we are human and for a moment she had we with the free WNBA tickets." It is too soon to gauge the impact on fan reaction but actress Lindsay Lohan put it this way, "I think I'm a basketball player trapped in a drunk actress' body."
This is not Diana Taurasi but wouldn't it make a great WNBA poster ..."We're more than basketball players!" DOLPHINS' RICKY WILLIAMS MASSAGES TEAMMATES Miami, FL -- Miami Dolphins running back Ricky (Errick) Williams discovered what he was going to do in life after football. Not many players prepare for the inevitable day when the spikes get hung up and your inflated salary dries up and then you're forced to traffic in cocaine to keep up with the yacht payments. But Ricky Williams is not one of those typical football players. Williams, after several years of intense training in Thailand, hung out his shingle today advertising "Massage." The former NFL rushing leader had several teammates stop by for what promised to be a new phase in their evolving relationship with Williams. GM Bill Parcells described his massage as "nothing short of erotic, actually it was damn erotic." "I was a bit flummoxed when Ricky was winding down and asked, 'Happy Ending Mister Bill?'" Parcells explained. "But truthfully, Ricky can handle himself in a spread offense, a wishbone, or at a massage table and wow, did I learn what a happy ending is," Parcells sighed. Several Dolphin players anxiously grabbed Williams' business cards and are anxious to have Ricky massage their Shiatzu. "Yes," said Ricky, "nothing is better for the soul than a massaged Shiatzu followed by a huge blunt."
Now this is going to have a major impact on our restaurant choices...whipped potatoes sounds kind of kinky. JOCKWEB PASSES ON "BILLY GILLESPIE STORY" Jockweb, HQ -- Jockweb CEO and Papal advisor Shecky Sheckstein announced yesterday that he would pass on the opportunity to publish "The Billy Gillespie Story." Gillespie approached Jockweb and begged the on-line publication to get behind the book that he is currently writing with the help of a ghost writer. Sheckstein asked the obvious question, "Who wants to read a book about a recently fired Kentucky coach?" Gillespie responded by saying, "Hey, I'm a really interesting guy and for God's sake, people love to invite me to parties because I'm a fascinating guy to hang around." The book follows Gillespie's career path from Texas El-Paso through his years at Texas A&M then through his two years at Kentucky. "If I was stuck on a deserted island, I'd want Gillespie's book with me, if for anything, to have something to wipe my ass with," explained Sheckstein. "I started to yawn between the 'Billy' part and the 'Gillespie' part," he further stated. Sheckstein however did recommend a new title for Gillespie. "Why doesn't he call it, 'Get It In Writing?'" Sheckstein quizzed.
Sheckstein has signed Bruce Pearl to pen a book called, "How Old Fat F***ks Can Still Score Big With Young Babes." GATTI'S DEATH A POCKETBOOK SUICIDE? Rio de Janeiro, Brazil -- Police investigating the death of Arturo Gatti have suddenly reversed their theory that he was murdered and are now calling his death a suicide. Initial suspicion centered around Gatti's wife, Amanda Rodrigues, who police thought strangled Gatti with a purse strap after he knocked her to the ground. But Rodrigues, a former stripper, was able to convince police that it was a suicide. "It was just a great interrogation," said police detective Ronaldhino, of the BBI (Brazilian Bureau of Investigation). "Wow, Amanda is sooooo truthful and we're sooooo happy we had a pole on hand during questioning," he added. Police now believe that Gatti strangled himself with a purse strap because secretly he wanted to carry a purse. Rodrigues told police, "He was just a big p***y who liked wear my clothes and I need a real man...are there any real men here in the police department?" "There's no doubt," said detective Donaldhino, "Amanda is to be believed and truthfully you have to see her in person to believe it." "Yep," he added, "a sad suicide case but we're all behind Amanda."
Rodrigues being brought into the station for questioning. "Am I dressed okay?" she asked. METS STUCK WITH BAD APPLE New York, NY -- The New York Mets found out the hard way that they overpaid for the new "Home Run Apple" in centerfield of their new Citi Field home. The "apple" comes out of a shell every time a home run is hit. However the apple malfunctioned over the weekend and facilities crews think they've got the problem figured out. "We think there's a giant worm in the giant apple," say maintenance supervisor Roy Tweety. Tweety believes the worm could be in excess of thirty feet. Worm expert Rolf Schnitzer explained, "It's a big f***ing apple so it just makes sense that we've got a big f***ing worm on our hands." Schnitzer said that the only way to salvage the apple is to coax the worm from it. He explained that the best way to get a male worm to come out of an apple is to "tease him out with a couple of beers and a hot female." Citi Field crews searched the New York area for a "large horny female worm" but couldn't find one but there were quite a few horny housewives available from North Jersey. The entire cast of the "Real Housewives of Parsippany" came over to the stadium and dance seductively to the music of Sade. Unfortunately the worm did not budge. Tweety
commented, "The whole big apple thing is just f***ing
idiotic...it's New York...why don't we just have a wino come
out of an alley and take a piss after a home run is hit?" We get the Big Apple thing but still what a dumb f***ing idea? LIL' KIM TRIES TO PLAY IN U.S. OPEN Bethlehem, PA -- Rapper and bad, bad girl Lil' Kim wanted to play golf this weekend and wanted to play real bad. The hip hop seductress showed up at the Ladies' U.S. Open and demanded a tee time. Officials at Saucon Valley Country Club were taken back to say the least when the scantily clad Kim wanted to play in the Open but was not a card carrying member of the LPGA. "Shit, they got more Kims on the LPGA tour than the lunch room at a Hyundai plant," remarked Lil, "so I say they ain't no difference between Lil' Kim and Park Soo Kim or Hueng Kim." Officials first balked at her suggestion but as Kim got more vocal with taunts of "let me play some f***ing golf or else I start kicking some f***ing LPGA p***y," reason prevailed and Kim was allowed to play 18 holes. She carded a 265 for the round and was awarded the Miss Congeniality award for the tournament.
With Lil' Kim on the LPGA tour, they'll be no more worries about lagging ticket sales. Not all Kims are alike! VERDICT IS IN: TEAM TENNIS SUCKS Washington, DC -- After several years of investigations and senate sub-committee meetings, the United States Congress issued the definitive position regarding World Team Tennis and it is unanimous that the entire country would like to see it go away. Pennsylvania Senator Arlen Spector, who is sort of too old to be a senator and has this really sing-songey voice to go with it, said with a whine, "Let's face it, Team Tennis sucks." The idea of pitting teams of tennis players from different cities against each other for the title of WTT champs appeals to no one. One of the founding members, Billie Jean King asked, "What's wrong? Why don't you like it? They do it in every other sport why not tennis?" Former tennis fan turned WWF fan Ned Flick explained it this way, "You can have like a big tennis tournament like Wimbledon and we'll get all excited but if you think I'm getting a hard-on watching the Philadelphia Freedoms play the Sacramento Breakers then you're out of you f***ing mind." Later Flick did admit to some mild genital activity watching Maria Sharapova just tie her sneakers. But the
concensus among law makers seems to be that Team Tennis
should go the way of the WFL, USFL, XFL, and World Team
Checkers.
Enough said! LPGA BIVINS JUMPED BY GANG OF WOMEN Palm Beach, FL -- LPGA commissioner Carolyn Bevins was jumped and beat up by a gang of Asian women last night as she approached her car in dimly lit garage. Bivens told police that they were most likely LPGA golfers "who can't speak goddamn English and are ruining the LPGA tour." The LPGA boss was taken to a local hospital where she was treated for minor cat scratches and released. "They didn't do much to me physically," she explained later, "because they're golfer for God's sake." The LPGA has been in the news all week with several players calling for Biven's ouster. Top player Lorena Ochoa went so far as to command players, "Bring me the head of Carolyn Bivens." Police suspect that the gang fully intended to chop Bivens' head off but only had a few loft wedges and a putter. For the past four years under Biven's leadership, the LPGA has experienced their fair share of controversy. First Bivens required all tour members to speak "the proper King's English and flirt with all male tour sponsors...sleep with them if you have to...play without bras so fans get to see you jiggle." One unnamed
Korean player said, "She was bitch, I glad she got what she
got she had coming to her." However Bivens promised
retaliation. "I'll get these whores responsible for this!"
she vowed and "I'll have them all deported!" Police believe this gang of Asian Nazis may be responsible for jumping Bivens. STAPLES CENTER AVAILABLE FOR FUNERALS Los Angeles, CA -- The Staples Center announced yesterday that we are open for business 365 days a year and "we plan to fill it on every one of those days," said general manager Hugo Victor. Victor said that the management team was so happy about how smoothly the Michael Jackson funeral went off that he asked, "Why not rent the place out for more funerals?" Jackson's memorial service sold out in 15 minutes on-line and Hugo is convinced that, "The Staples Center is just a great spot to host your next funeral." "There's plenty of nice comfortable chairs and a nice big viewing area to line pass the deceased and frankly most funerals I attend, I feel a little cramped," he confessed. Just days after the Jackson event, the phone is ringing off the hook with celebrities that feel they could fill the place. "Let's face it," said pop singer Boy George, "no one would come see my concert but I think a lot of people would like to see me dead." One Hollywood insider said, "A lot of celebrities with waning careers could really benefit from a funeral at the Staples Center and honestly LA fans would support a daily funeral here more readily than watching a Clippers game."
Clippers owner Donald Sterling asked coach Mike Dunleavy, "How would you like to be buried from the Staples Center?" FORMULA ONE CHIEF PRAISES HITLER London, England -- Auto racing's Formula One head Bernie Ecclestone presided over a firestorm of reactions to his recent comments praising Adolf Hitler for his ability "to get things done." "I'm telling you, AH was a guy you could count on," Ecclestone said last week. "IF he told you he was going to do something, by George, he got it done whether it be trimming the rosebushes or trimming an ethnic population," he continued. In an outspoken interview, the 78-year-old billionaire and a big name in the racing field, added that he preferred dictatorships to democracies. "Like on election day...with a dictator you get to sleep in and who cares," he commented. "The reason Hitler was so successful," he added, "was that he was very goal oriented and he may very good lists." Ecclestone told of one time when he and Hitler "used to hang around," that whenever they went shopping, "Adolph knew exactly what to buy because he was such a stickler for lists." "If we needed cereal for instance, Hitler would say, 'we don't need cereal because we bought a lot last week and we should wait until it's on sale,'" was a crucial insight that Ecclestone shared. Many groups say the interview went too far and that Hitler was not very good at keeping his word. Heinrich Himmler Jr. said, "I don't know what he (Ecclestone) is talking about...Hitler once told me that he would take me to Six Flags and guess what, he never took me." Others shared similar stories that the German Fuhrer was "just not the kind of guy you'd want to take home to mother." "Truthfully," added Himmler, "I know this flies in the face of conventional wisdom, but Hitler had a mean streak."
One short guy admiring another short guy...do you think being a millionaire affects your ability to attract women? FORMER FIGURE SKATING STAR BUSTED FOR DOPE DEALING Newark, NJ -- At one time, years ago and not so far away, skater Nicole Bobek was to be the next Peggy Fleming or Dorothy Hamil but sadly now "she's just another crack whore." Bobek was arrested yesterday as part of what police are calling the "largest drug ring ever discovered within the skating world." Figure skating has long been known to law enforcement agencies as "a hotbed of criminal activity" and Bobek's arrest is just another in the long line of felon skaters. DEA agent Jack Armstrong explained, "It's pretty obvious that if you skate 8-10 hours a day than you're probably doing drugs to cope." "Underneath the skimpy skating outfits is an ugly world that America just doesn't want to acknowledge," he continued. "How much longer will we let skaters prey on our children and our communities?" he pleaded. Bobek had no comment as she was whisked away by police except to say, "Newark, New Jersey has been very good to me and in fact, New Jersey gets a bad rap but it is one of the best places to deal dope." New Jersey does get a bad rap because most people judge the state when driving through it on the Jersey Turnpike or maybe even that shit Garden State Parkway. Most people associate New Jersey with industrial waste, pollution, and annoying people with ear damaging accents and that's just plain unfair because what is New Jersey without industrial waste, pollution, and annoying people with ear damaging accents? Several women in the Rahway State Prison expressed genuine hope that Bobek might spend time with them. "What, did you think men were the only folk to engage in brutal, homosexual acts behind bars?" asked Lulu Arnezzi. "Heck no, we can't wait for a hot young blonde like Nicole to spend 5 to 10 with us," she smiled.
Can you imagine what her first night in jail is going to be like? SHECKSTEIN ANNOUNCES JOCKWEB ONE DAY FURLOUGH Jockweb HQ -- Jockweb CEO and advisor to third world governments and dictators, Shecky Sheckstein announced this morning that the on-line publication would shut down production for one day, July 6, 2009. "We've got to pair down our inventory," said Sheckstein. "We've got a lot of bad product that we need to cycle out of existence," he added. Sheckstein explained that all Jockweb employees should take the day off and "contemplate how empty your lives have become working for this sad, sorry enterprise." "We fully intend to call everyone back to work on Tuesday, July 7 and we feel the company will emerge leaner, stronger, and more sound than ever," he told anxious staff members. President Obama expressed his sincere gratitude to Sheckstein in a speech to on-line satire providers. "We haven't seen the bottom of this recession but we have seen the bottom of really bad sports journalism thanks to Jockweb, and I'm confident that one day they might write something that may remotely make me chuckle," said the President. Sheckstein was cautiously optimistic that come Tuesday, "We might for once, have something meaningful, insightful, and substantial for our readers but I sincerely doubt it." UFL GOING AFTER FORMER NFL GREATS New York, NY -- The United Football League will launch it's inaugural season in October and league officials guarantee "this won't be your typical pro football league." That's because the UFL is trying very hard to sign some great NFL marquee players in an all out effort to generate interest in the new four team league. In addition to going after former Atlanta Falcons QB Mike Vick, the league has entered into negotiations with such NFL greats as Lou Groza, Fuzzy Thurston, and Sammy Baugh. "We realize that these players are dead but we can structure some really good deals with dead players," said league representative Hank Raskett. Lou Groza, the former Cleveland Browns tackle and place kicker, had no comment because he is dead but did communicate a question through a medium. Groza asked, "Since there are only four teams does that mean we're going to play each team 5 times so we get close to a 16-game schedule?" Raskett had no answers. "We're not doing a whole lot of planning for this league." "We sort of figure we'll play a few games, lose a shitload of money and fold by December thereby allowing everyone a great end of the year tax deduction," he promised.
Alright, would you rather pay to see a dead Lou Groza with these really cool high top spikes or another year of Brett Favre? RAYMOND FLOYD DESIGNING NEW COURSE IN IRAQ Baghdad, Iraq -- PGA golfer and course architect Raymond Floyd is spending the July 4th weekend in war-torn Iraq celebrating the opening of the new golf course he recently built. As part of the U.S. Army's exit strategy, military leaders believe that quality golf courses can contribute to the lessening of tensions between rival religious groups in the divisive country. "We envision Sunnis, Shites, Kurds, and Christians playing golf on Sundays as a way of builiding cultural bridges and forgetting how their country has been in the shitter for the past eight years," said General John Nicklaus. The Army hired Floyd to design and build hundreds of courses all over the country in exchange for 25 billion barrels of oil. "Golf is a great way to relax and say 'Hey let's forget about strapping a bomb to my back and blowing up a hundred people, let's see if I can break a hundred,'" explained Floyd. "It's a challenge building a course in desert sand but the real advantage is that you can play in your skivvies," he added. "I'm calling the whole thing, Operation Desert Slice," he joked. Iraqis traditionally have resisted golf as "slow and deathly boring," but a whole new generation of Iraqi golfers have proclaimed that golf is "slow and deathly boring." But so far the populace seems to be taking to the game. General Nicklaus announced that in the last week only 78 people were killed by cart path bombs.
Floyd stands over a bucket of balls at the Baghdad driving range. FORMER YANKEE CHARGED WITH BATTERY Davie, FL -- Former major league baseball player Jim Leyritz was arrested and charged with battery after a domestic dispute with his ex-wife Karrie. Leyritz is scheduled to begin trial in a manslaughter case stemming from a drunk driving incident in 2007. He violated the conditions of his previous bail and now faces a more challenging legal battle. The former Mrs. Leyritz claimed that he arrived early in the morning, pulled her out of bed, struck her a few times about the face and neck, tossed her around a few times, slammed her into a couple of walls, beat her with a baseball bat, hit her over the head with a waffle iron, branded her with a hot poker, cut her left ear off with a steak knife, and then tied her up and forced her to watch Bob Saget in "Full House" reruns. Leyritz supposedly was angry because his ex-wife wrote a check without his permission. "I don't think I overreacted at all," said Leyritz when questioned by police abut his overreaction to his wife's unapproved check writing. "Why write a check when you can pay on-line?" he asked. "I mean, come on now, postage is through the roof and it's just better to do on-line banking," he insisted. Karrie Leyritz commented, "Not only is he an unknown has-been whose only claim to fame is home run in Game 4 of the 1996 World Series, he's a lousy lay!"
We could fully understand Leyritz's outburst if it was something more substantial like forgetting to replace the batteries in the remote control. FISHERMAN CATCHES FISH WITH HIS VERY OWN POLE Lake Peckerwood, NY -- A bass fisherman landed a 28-inch bass to win the annual Lake Peckerwood bass tournament. Charley Dangle caught the record setting fish using only himself and it was the first time in bass fishing history that a fisherman landed a fish using his own penis. "Truthfully, I wasn't trying to catch the fish," he explained. "I had put my fishing rod down and was taking a piss over the side of the boat and of course, not bragging, but I'm a little on the long side, and all of a sudden I feel some action, then a nibble, and wow, then the big bite," he continued. Dangle knew he had a fighter on his hands and it took him an hour to get the fish into the boat. "I've got to tell you, he was taking me all over the place and several times he went under the boat which really stretched me out so to speak," Dangle said. "But he's a beauty and I got top prize so all in all it was great fishing," he smiled. Several fisherman complained that Dangle should be disqualified for using his penis as a fishing instrument. "This could set a very dangerous precedent," said NY Game Commissioner Wally Sturgis. "Let's be realistic here, we've got a whole population of gay fish that we didn't even know about and now a regular old fisherman with a regular old fishing rod doesn't stand a chance," he warned.
Dangle showing off his prize winning fish and his handy fishing lure, Dangle. YAO MING BIG FOOT HURT BIG Shanghai, China -- Houston Rockets center Yao Ming was told by doctors yesterday that his foot injury could be career threatening and that he better start wearing orthopedic shoes or else his NBA days could be over. Yao was devastated by the news and begged doctors not to make him wear the shoes. "Please, not those really ugly shoes worn by old ladies at the mall?" he pleaded. Foot doctor Ti Tac Tao, a Shanghai podiatrist, told reporters that he is not a real doctor but "You give me a set of needles and I can acupuncture the shit out of anyone." Yao said that he likes to use Tao as his doctor because he gives out coupons for office visits and lollipops. But Tao, after trying for an hour to acupuncture Yao's foot, ran out acupuncture needles to cover Yao size 22 foot. "That son of a bitch has some huge dogs," Tao exclaimed, "I ought charge by the foot." Yao eventually did walk out of the office with a nice velcro strapped pair of shoes that Dr. Tao insist he wear everywhere including on the basketball court and in the shower. "No more flippy floppies for Ming," he commanded. "I look like my Aunt Mildred who has bunion problems," added Yao despondently.
You put a Nike swoosh on the side of a pair of orthopedics and suddenly old Aunt Mildred has some hops. ORGASMS A PLENTY AT WIMBLEDON London, England -- A record number of orgasms occurred at the Wimbledon Championships yesterday during a Venus Williams populated match. Williams, famous for her pseudo-sexual noises, was in full bloom during her match with a huge quantity of groans, moans, and exhales. The sounds were so provocative that literally hundreds of male fans simultaneously achieved orgasms from just the simple exercise of their collective imaginations. It was the largest number of mass orgasms ever recorded since the inception of record keeping for mass orgasms. Williams, feeling proud said, "There's no doubt about, I can satisfy a large number of men." Ironically, all of the men fell asleep after the orgasm and failed to see Williams defeat her opponent, Selina Sanchez. Retired tennis pro Chris Evert spoke out vehemently against loud grunts. "You see this is what happens, you grunt, you groan, the men climax, fall asleep and then where are we...left smoking a cigarette?" Tournament director Clive Clendon was snoring loudly and had no comment.
Truthfully, she really might not need to grunt. ROTHLISBERGER BATTLING DEPRESSION Pittsburgh, PA -- Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Rothlisberger admitted yesterday, "I'm feeling a little blue." The All-Pro and Super Bowl quarterback admitted that the pressures on him to bring back another title to Pittsburgh are immense. "I just feel like all the weight of Pittsburgh is on my back and I'm only one man," he said through tears. Rothlisberger has been said to be drinking more while hanging around a few of his old high school buddies. "Yeah, I probably drink too much but at least I learned not to drink a case of beer and then ride my motorcycle," he confessed. Steelers coach Mike Tomlin expressed some concern but said, "Ben's a professional, he knows what it takes to win in the NFL and he may be having some extra fun in the summer but once camp starts, he'll be all business." Big Ben said he wanted to speak out and help all of those million dollar athletes who may feel "blue" too but don't want to admit it publically. "The best thing you can do is be vulnerable," explained Rothlisberger. "I think fans understand that you a person too and that it's okay to admit this is a tough, crazy world."
Rothlisberger said that come Monday, "I'm really gonna get my shit together and get ready for camp." TENNIS PLAYER BATTLES ALLERGIES AT WIMBLEDON London, England -- Tennis player Vicktor Troicki demanded yesterday that the storied tennis mecca accommodate his "grass allergy" by paving the courts with asphalt. Troicki, who struggles with a host of allergies, requested that there be a "complete and total cleaning" of the entire facility. Through sneezes and a runny nose, Troicki said in his native Serbian tongue, "I feel shit, nose stuffed like Vermont teddy bear, get placed cleaned up." Initially the tournament organizers responded to Troicki request by saying, "Are you f***ing kidding us...tough shit you've got a little allergy...suck it up you big Serbian pussy." But later they changed their tune when they discovered that allergies are covered under the ADA (American With Disabilities Act) and that under the act, the employer must provide a safe, hazard free environment. ADA expert Carrie Snotgrass explained, "Technically, the complainant can bring suit if an employer fails to remove the items which contribute to the allergy." Wimbledon officials immediately removed all cats and dogs, peanuts, dust mites, pollen bearing plants, wool sweaters, and black mold. "We think we got everything and we believe we are in full compliance with the ADA," said tournament director Clive Clandon. Moments later Clandon realized, "Hey, wait a minute we're in England...what the f*** are we doing complying with the ADA? screw the allergy guy and pass the peanuts!"
There's a really good chance that if you put a shitload of jewelry in your navel, you're gonna get these red splotches all over you...don't say we didn't warn you! BROWNS RECEIVER SUES OVER STAPH Cleveland, OH -- Former Cleveland Browns receiver Joe Jurevicius filed suit against his old team alleging that his career ending knee infections was a result of dirty, unclean Cleveland football facilities. Jurevicius contracted a staph infection in 2008 while recovering from a knee injury and his suit spells out specifically that, "Cleveland's locker room is a pig sty and the players are a bunch of disgusting, filthy slobs and eeeeewwwww they are just sooooooo gross and no one flushes the toilets after pooping and I want to throw up just talking about it." NFL commissioner Roger Goodell admitted that the NFL is full of "staff" infections. "We've got a lot of bad staffs but hell, I'm only the commissioner, what....do you expect me to take care of everything...why shit, I'm trying to take this league global and you're bitching to me about staff infections." Later Goodell called the suit "Juryvicious" and then called Jurevicius and asked him, "Are you any relations to Sid Vicious, that old Sex Pistols bassist who died of a heroin overdose? Now there was a slob." Jurevicius said later, "Wow, I never checked that out, I mean there is some possibility that I'm related to Sid Vicious, and hey those Sex Pistols had some really got tunes like that one, 'God Save the Queen From a Staff Infection."
Bassist Sid Vicious did play briefly for the Browns in the early 1980's as a way-out. SOUTH CAROLINA GOVERNOR DENIES AFFAIR Columbia, SC -- Embattled Governor Mark Sanford in a last ditch effort to save his political career denied that he went to Argentina to have extra marital relations. Sanford said yesterday at a press conference that he went on a special undercover recruiting trip for the University of South Carolina football coach Steve Spurrier. The Governor swore up and down a stack of bibles that he went way south of the border to look at place kicker Julio Dowbideskoolyar. "He's a hellava soccer player and we think he can make the transition to football for us," said Sanford, "and Jesus, you should see his mother, wow! vvvaaaavvvvvaaaaavvvvvooooooom!" Coach Spurrier raised his eyebrows and said, "Yeah, for a another couple of zeros on my contract, I'm gonna buy that because that Mark is one Game Cock." However Mrs. Sanford commented, "When I get done with him he'll just be Game."
Later Governor Sanford lamented, "Why didn't someone tell me that I didn't have to go all the way to Argentina?" IRANIAN FOOTBALL PLAYERS LOOSE FOOTS Tehran, Iran -- Several members of the Iranian national football team have been "retired" from the sport after wearing politically controversial wristbands during a match against South Korea in Seoul. The players Ali Karimi, Mehdi Mahdavikia, Hosan Ka'abi, and Vahid Hashemian sported green wristbands as a form of protest against the alleged fraud in the recent Iranian election. Iranian strongman and President-elect Ahmadinejad reacted by saying, "I love the wristband thing, in fact I wear the Lance Armstrong 'Live Strong' yellow one, and I get tons of compliments like 'Hey Ahmadinejad, where did you get that nifty wristband?' and 'Hey Ahmadinejad, yellow is definitely your color.'" But insiders say that the democratically elected dictator for some reason hates green wristbands. "Call me fussy but I hate the green wristband," confessed Ahmadinejad. "I mean seriously, what goes well with green?" he asked. For their fashion faux paus and what some speculate may be punishment for their perceived politcal protests, the soccer players were prematurely retired from their sport. Shortly after the game in Seoul, the four players were flown back to their home country where their feets were surgically removed with a machete. "Machetes insure a nice clean cut," said Dr. Husai Baadtinsabootme, who performed the retirement ceremony. "Well you can be sure these four have a nice career ahead of them on a keyboard," smiled the doctor.
Imagine wearing a green headband in Iran...you would be definitely f***ed!" UGLIEST ALL-TIME BASEBALL PLAYER TO BE HONORED Cooperstown, NY -- The National Baseball Hall of Fame announced that a new wing is being constructed to honor the ugliest men who ever played the game of baseball. "The ballots are ready and we think we've got a strong field of candidates in our inaugural year," said Museum director Lon Chaney IV. Three ugly players will be inducted in July along with the three regular vote getters for the Hall of Fame. Leading the list of vote getters are Julian Tavarez, Jorge Pasada, and Jose Mesa with Edgar Martinez and Gary Gatti making a strong case for a place high on the list. Pitcher Randy Johnson, who many thought would run away with the competition, expressed disappointment saying, "I purposely forgo plastic surgery and this is the thanks I get?" Pittsburgh Pirate great Snookie Carsdale, a little used shortstop who player from 1914-1918, is dead but family members were joyful celebrating his number one vote getting tally at 2,345,682 votes. Great grandson Snookeroo explained, "Look the guy didn't have a woman until he was on his death bed and then he reproduced with his last breath several generations of really ugly people." Fans in Pittsburgh have their fingers crossed because for once there may be some good baseball new in the town of Three Rivers.
Snookie Carsdale never made around the bases until it was almost too late. GROUP NUDE WRESTLING TAKING OFF New York, NY -- The latest phenomenon to hit the sporting world is full contact AMNW (All-Male Nude Wrestling). The sport debuted several months ago in a park on the upper West Side and has since experienced explosive growth with several celebrities looking to buy franchises and expand the market opportunities. "It's a wonderful, wonderful way to have men interact," said franchise owner Elton John. "It's so wonderful, I think I'll go home and write a song after I watch for a few days," he added. WWF chairperson Vince McMahon agreed that AMNW is the wave of the future. "Look, it's 'green' because you don't spend any of the planet's resources on wrestling outfits, so I think the ecological minded sports fan is going to flock to this," explained McMahon. "You'd be surprised how expensive those little tight wighty wrestling thongs cost," he added. "Another benefit of AMNW is that it can be staged anywhere," said Senator Larry Craig. "AMNW is just sound sports economics, that I can get behind," he said, "and I mean that." Craig enthusiastically has backed an Idaho franchise saying, "Nude males wrestling and Idaho are made for one another because we need more than just the potato."
No uniforms, no expensive stadiums, no salaries...franchises still available. KNICKS INTERESTED IN DARKO MILICIC New York, NY -- The New York Knicks are rumored to be interested in Memphis Grizzlies big man Darko Milicic. Milicic is a serviceable big man and has an expiring $7.5 million contract which would put the Knicks in a good bargaining position. Most NBA teams agree that Milicic "really sucks and no one can still believe that the Pistons made him a number one draft pick in 2006." Any deal that the Grizzlies make would center around obtaining high priced guard Quentin Richardson. "But truthfully," said one Grizzlie spokesperson, "we'll take a few Applebee's gift cards for Darko." Milicic has never lived up to the high expectations that were placed upon him as a rookie. Playing for Larry Brown or not playing at all, which was the case, destroyed Milicic's confidence. Milicic said in accented English, "Larry Brown is big poop head, not nice to Darko." During his time with the Pistons, Milicic began experimenting with alternative gender identities coloring his hair and wearing women's clothing. "When you get no time on court, time you have on hands, you get funky," explained Milicic. However the Knicks think he still has some upside either in the NBA or WNBA.
Milicic said that his love for fashion may be more appreciated in New York than in Memphis. BROWNS' STALLWORTH INJURES HIMSELF PARKING CAR Cleveland, OH -- Cleveland Browns receiver Donte Stallworth was injured yesterday as the tried to rearrange some cars in his driveway. The incident happened after his wife asked him to move some cars out of the driveway so some neighborhood kids could play some pick up hoops in the backyard court. Stallworth immediately volunteered even though a judge has suspended his license indefinitely due to a vehicular manslaughter charge stemming from an accident last March. "I just love driving," explained Stallworth, "but I guess you could say I just have bad luck behind the wheel." Stallworth's blood alcohol level was 8.7 almost 20,000 times the legal limit and admittedly he had smoked 149 marijuana cigarettes. "Okay, so I was a little buzzed but I was just rearranging some cars," he defended himself. Cleveland Browns management released a statement later, "What, do you think the only team in Ohio with felons is in Cincinnati? We think under Donte's leadership, we can catch the Bengals in 2009."
Mrs. Stallworth said later, "From now on he only gets to drive the Kia."
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