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Friday January 29, 2010 | |||
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OREGON DUCK HAS OVERACTIVE QUACKER Eugene, OR -- Donald Duck, the University of Oregon mascot is on the hot seat this week for what officials say is "his recent pattern of sexual harassment." Female students and cheerleaders in particular, have complained to the administration that "the Duck is out of control and can't keep his quacker to himself." Oregon Public Safety Director Harry Moaner said, "We have a predatory duck running around campus and he needs to be removed and placed in a restricted habitat." Ducks in general are extremely annoying as are their cousins, the geese, who crap just about anywhere they feel like it. Moaner explained, "There is nothing more annoying than stepping on a field or a golf course trying to navigate your way through a minefield of duck shit and now we've got this guy dressed as a duck, forcing himself on unsuspecting co-eds." Duck expert Dr. Hoolay Iggs said, "Under normal circumstances duck are monogamous and stay with one female mate for years but you put any male on a college campus with hot cheerleaders and there goes your monogamy." Moaner believes the solution to the duck problem is legalize Chinese hunting. "My thinking is that those Chinese really like duck and in fact, Peking duck is one of my favorites...so I say let the Chinese come on campus, hunt some duck, and let's have him for dinner." However one cheerleader Mindy Fishman defended the Duck saying the campus authorities are overreacting. "I've been with the Duck and he's warm and tender and I think I love him," she said filled with tears. "When he takes me in those short clipped wings of his, I feel like the whole world has stopped and I love his big quacker," she added.
Fishman said that she and the Duck could someday be very happy together. MANU GINOBILI TO FIGHT ANIMAL ABUSE CHARGES San Antonio, TX -- San Antonio Spurs All-Star forward Manu Ginobili was arrested early yesterday and charged with running a bat fighting ring in his house. Ginobili mistakenly tipped off police and animal rights activists at last Saturday's game in the Alamodome when he swatted a bat who was flying through the arena. With the reflexes of a cheetah, Ginobili grabbed the flying bat out of midair and handed the stunned bat to a security guard. Fans at the arena went wild and the moment became immortalized as one of the greatest moments in franchise history. After the game, PETA officials suspected, "maybe there's more to this than meets the rational eye," and the organization decided to launch their own animal abuse investigation. "Our thinking was, if anyone can callously swat at a flying bat then he must be running a bat fighting operation in his house," said PETA spokesperson Heddy Kukoo. Sure enough, when police broke down the doors to Ginobili's estate they found millions of bats in the rafters and about 73 Argentinians gambling over bat fights. Bat fighting has long been a bloodthirsty sport originating in Buenos Aires. Apparently, Ginobili has been training bats for wing to wing combat and holding matches in a basement ring for the past several years. "It was just horrible," said retired Texan George Walker Bush. "I thought bats just hung upside down doing nothin all day long but if you put two bats in a ring and watch them, you get really dizzy to the point of throwing up," he added. Ginobili admitted, "Yes, I have violated the laws of decency of any civil society by holding bat fights in my house and I should be punished but I want everyone to know, I'm a good person." Legal experts say that Ginobili could face up to 23 months in a federal prison for the bat fighting charges while PETA officials insist that he get the death penalty. "It is Texas after all," added Kukoo, "and we love putting people to death." Kukoo then held up his protest sign, "SAVE THE ANIMALS, KILL THE PEOPLE!" Philadelphia Eagles coach Andy Reid commented, "I want Manu to know, he has a place in Philadelphia after all this mess is over."
Ginobili shown here crushing a poor defenseless bat with a fierce squeeze of his palm. FAVRE GROIN FUNDRAISER BRINGS IN BIG $$$$$$ Minneapolis, MN -- Leave it to Minnesota Vikings Brad Childress to turn a negative into a positive and to do it all for charity. The story begins on Sunday in pre-game warmup before the Packer-Viking showdown when Childress noticed his prized possession Brett Favre holding his groin. "He was holding it, sort of rubbing it, or whatever you do to a groin, but he was then rubbing it some more," said Childress describing the scene on the field. He continued, "And Brett just kept rubbing it and like I'm thinking to myself, does this guy have some kind of problem cause where I come from you can rub your groin area once or twice and maybe even scratch your testicles and adjust your stuff but prolonged groin touching can get you run out of town, if you know what I mean." Childress approached Favre and asked a very delicate question, "Brett, do you realize you're in public with thousands of people watching and you've been rubbing yourself for over 15 minutes." Favre replied, "I'm Brett Favre and don't you think America enjoys watching me be Brett Favre?" And then it hit Childress! "Why not let America rub Brett Favre's groin?" But Childress genius didn't stop there. "Why not let America rub Brett Favre's groin for a price and donate that money to a great cause?" Childress exclaimed at the 50 yard line. So on Monday morning Childress began his new campaign, "Rub Brett Favre's Groin." Childress believes if he can get millions of Americans to rub Brett Favre's groin for $1, "we can help heal Brett's groin and help fix a lot of problems in America." Fundraising expert Barney Shank, who invented the little "Jerry's Kids" change boxes on counters everywhere, agreed that Childress is a maverick fundraiser. "Most people see a change box on the counter and say, 'Well I'm not sure if the money I put in actually goes to Jerry's Kids' but wow, you give a dollar and you rub Brett Favre's groin, that is some serious motivation to give," said Shank. Yesterday in the first full day of operation, hundreds of ESPN sportswriters and broadcasters were the first to line up for the "Rub Brett Favre's Groin Foundation" first event. Analyst Chris Berman exclaimed, "This will go down as the greatest groin of all time in the National Football League and I've been waiting for year for the opportunity to rub it!" Childress added that he was confident that, "We can turn this thing around (the economy?) if every American donated $1 and came out and rubbed Brett's groin."
You heard right, just $1 to rub legend Brett Favre's groin and it all goes to charity! OAKLAND'S TOM CABLE: "I'M A LOVER NOT A FIGHTER!" Oakland, CA -- Oakland Raiders head coach Tom Cable faced the media yesterday defending himself against charges of spousal and girlfriend abuse. His ex-wife and former girlfriend claim that at times in their relationship, Coach Cable resorted to physical violence to make a point. Sandy Cable, Glenda Cable, and Marie Lutz came forward in interviews and said that Cable hit them during their marriages or when dating. On ESPN's "Outside the Lines," former wife Sandy said, "He's got footwork like Rosanne Barr but he can still hit like Mike Tyson," she said pointing to a jaw that still sore from being hit in 1988. Cable, who recently dodged prosecution for hitting his assistant coach Randy Hanson, still faces charges of "endangering the public well being with horrific coaching of the Oakland Raiders," He told reporters yesterday, "Hey, look at me, do I look like a guy capable of knocking around some bitch?" He defended himself saying, "I'm a lover not a fighter and you ask the hundreds of women I've dated in the past two years." "The fact that Tom Cable can get one woman really pisses me off," said relationship expert and television personality, Dr. Phillip McGraw. "I can't get a single woman without cornering her in my office and threatening her job," said McGraw, "and here's this guy who coaches a shit, last place team that gets shellacked week in and week out, never covering the spread, yet, women still flock to him...is there any f***ing justice in this world?" Cable, upon hearing McGraw's comments, offered this advice: "I would tell any guy who's striking out with women that you've got to pay attention to a girl in small ways...a box of candy here, maybe a few lines of poetry left on her pillow, and my personal favorite, spritzing my boxer shorts with Axe." He continued his mating lessons by adding this key piece of information, "You take the time doing the little things that add up to the big thing and then if you don't get the big thing enough, and you're frustrated and you really want to knock the shit out of someone, just remember how much it sucks to have your name planted on every media outlet in the country as a wife beater, even on that shit website Jocksomething."
Hey, Dr. Phil? You gotta admit Tom Cable has got a sweet smile. BOWDEN PLANS TO BEAT PATERNO IN AFTERLIFE Tallahassee, FL -- Embattled Florida State football coach Bobby Bowden conceded that he may not retire the winning-est football coach of all time but he has other plans. Bowden may lose several victories from 2006 as a result of a NCAA investigation into some academic wrongdoing at Florida State. NCAA officials are looking into what Bowden has called, "chickenshit violations," like football players getting grades while serving prison sentences. "Yeah, we cheat and we cheat'um good," chuckled Bowden, "but hey I'm almost 80 and I don't give a shit about nothing but a nice healthy bowel movement." But FSU may be penalized and Bowden could lose up to 7 wins which would drop him substantially behind Joe Paterno for the most wins by a Division I coach. There has been pressure on Bowden by many Florida State alums to either resign as head coach or "just die." "There's a lot of people calling for me to step down or kick off but I'm a old rascally Southern boy and we just like to hang around saying things like 'I'm a rascally Southern boy,'" quipped Bowden. Bowden did however share with reporters his succession plan. "Yeah, I'm thinking about dying soon and to tell you the truth I may not have more victories than Joe but I got a lot more bling ," said Bowden showing off his bowl and title rings. "So I'm fixin' on takin'em with me to heaven and let's see who's Mr. Hot Shit when we get upstairs," said Bowden. Bowden feels strongly that, "I won't be a bit sue-prized that Jesus hiself ain't gonna say, 'Hey Bobby' you a hellava lot more better a coach than Joe Pa...let's make you the winningest coach in eternity.'"
Bowden showing what he plans to take with him into the next life. "God can't help being impressed," he said. TRADER BRETT CONFESSES TO BRADSHAW Minneapolis, MN -- All eyes are on the Green Bay Packers-Minnesota Vikings showdown today as former Packer QB Brett Favre returns to his former land of greatness. But in a exclusive interview with Fox analyst Terry Bradshaw, Favre irks Packer fans by telling him that his current Vikings squad "is the best team I ever played on." Favre goes on to tell Bradshaw that he never liked Green Bay or the whole state of Wisconsin." The interview to be aired today will most likely continue to add to the perception that "Brett Favre should go away and stay away," But in his most shocking revelation in the Bradshaw conversation, Favre reveals, "I never liked their cheese." Favre explains that Wisconsin cheese "is overrated and I swear to God, I got so damn tired of hearing about their cheese." Wisconsin's unique cheesemaking heritage has produced exceptional cheeses for years and cheesemakers have long lauded the state's lush green lands and glacial water supply as the perfect ingredients in craft great cheeses. "Enough already about the cheese," screams Favre. "Look, I like a brie or a gouda as much as the next guy but come on, it's a lot of old milk sitting around for a few weeks," he explains, "and truthfully where would the cheese be without the cracker?" Favre adds the Minneapolis produces a "great wheat thin and an even better saltine and I'm happy to be playing for city that makes a very, fine unassuming cracker." "And another thing," Favre said, "those blocks of cheese hats they all wear piss me off too!" The comments are sure to set off the already jilted Green Bay population. Packer lineman Rusty Rigotta exclaimed, "We're gonna sack Brett ten times today and when he's on the ground we're gonna force him to eat our fromunda cheese and if you don't know about fromunda, look it up!"
Make up your own fromunda cheese tagline or just enjoy the day after Halloween. JOCKWEB EXCLUSIVE: DONAGHY TELL ALL RIGHT HERE Ft. Hoppindale, FL -- Disgraced NBA ref Tim Donaghy's new book "Blowing the Whistle" was dropped by his publisher this week after the publisher decided that Donaghy is "just a lying little weasel rat bastard." In the book, Donaghy gives readers an inside look at the corrupt NBA and all the fraudulent things he did that got him locked up in jail of federal charges of fixing games. Immediately after the book was dropped, Jockweb CEO and literary mastermind Shecky Sheckstein contacted Donaghy's representation and said, "We love lying little weasel rat bastards and why not put a few excerpts on Jockweb?" Donaghy's agent said that he had never heard of Jockweb other than "you're a bunch of toe-sucking a-holes" but Sheckstein was able to convince the Donaghy folks to put a few excerpts on his cyber-renowned site. Here are a few excerpts from the book that probably will never hit bookstores available to you, the loyal Jockweb reader. On David Stern: "David Stern is really short. I mean really short. Like Herve Villechaize short. And if you don't remember him you can access old episodes of 'Fantasy Island' on the net. Fantasy Island was a wonderful program I watched repeatedly as a young boy starring Ricardo Montalban as the enigmatic overseer of this fantasy island where everyone would visit to have their fantasies like threesomes with Madonna and Barbara Streisand. I think I watched every single episode because I was a lying little weasel rat bastard and no one wanted to play with me." On Kobe Bryant: "No one could ever call a foul on Kobe Bryant or else he would try and rape your mother or sister. I'm just kidding. He never raped my sister. But he grew up in Philadelphia and roots for the Dodgers and acts like he never lived in Philadelphia and Philadelphia put up with his lame talentless father Joe 'Jellybean' Bryant so really who is the lying little weasel rat bastard here?" On prison: "Your probably asking yourself, did I get the title for the book 'Blowing the Whistle' from my experiences in prison and you know what? You're absolutely right. I was either blowing someone else's whistle or having mine blown by some other pathetic little lying weasel rat bastard. But really prison isn't that bad. I made lots of really nice friends and met my wife there. He's cute, friendly, and he stabbed 18 people and we're very happy together." Sheckstein promised that the book would be printed in it's entirety on the Jockweb site. "But we're not going to do it all in one shot," he said. "No way...this is too good to read all at once. We want to drag this story out for years because it's material you just can't find anywhere else!" Jockweb will be publishing more excerpts in the coming weeks so tell your friends, relatives, and all of those huge Tim Donaghy fans, especially those guys from North Jersey with the baseball bats who broke his "f***ing legs for being a lying little weasel rat bastard!"
P.S. You can also catch David Stern in some amazing episodes of "Fantasy Island." CLEVELAND GETS TWO FOR ONE WITH ACTA Cleveland, OH -- The citizens of Cleveland can feel a little better today after it was announced that newly hired Indians coach Manny Acta will also coach the Cleveland Browns. Acta, who was 22-61 with the Washington Nationals last year before being fired, was hired to coach both Cleveland franchises in a city wide cost cutting effort. "With the economy in the toilet," explained Browns owner Randy Lerner, "we have an opportunity for a twofer and that's always good business." Beginning this Sunday, Acta will coach the Browns, replacing embattled coach Eric Mangini. "I don't know squat about football," said Acta, "but that shouldn't be a problem." Cleveland, long known for a city with reduced expectations, is said to be thrilled to seeing a moving van come into the city. "Mostly, people are trying to escape," said former mayor Dennis Kucinich, "so the fact that Manny brought more than a toothbrush is exciting." Acta said that coaching the Nationals has given him a solid background to coach both the Indians and the Browns. "As long as people know I'm here to lose, then we're going to get along fine." A relieved Mangini asked, "Can I go now, really? You're not kidding, I can actually get out of Cleveland?" He quickly entered his car and began heading to Tampa Bay screaming, "I know I can get the Bucs' offense moving!" Lerner said, "If things don't get better fast, I may have to move this franchise to Baltimore."
Several Browns and Indians players tried to escape Cleveland but were captured and returned. TEXAS TECH COACH BLAMES "FAT LITTLE GIRLS" FOR LOSS Lubbock, TX -- Texas Tech head coach Mike Leach took the microphone and this week's post-game press conference and proceeded to blame "fat-little girls" for his team's loss to Texas A&M. After reviewing the game film, Leach said it was clear that fat-little girls were responsible for the loss. Leach, a master of oratorical brillance, said that his players are not taking coaching from the coaches but are listening to "their fat-little girl friends." Leach said that his players seem to "listen more to their fat-little girl friends than to me and I'm gonna start kicking some ass if they don't stop listening to their fat-little girl friends because their fat-little girlfriends don't know much about x's and o's and I really hate fat-little girl friends." The National Association of Fat-Little Girlfriends angrily responded to Leach's charge that some of their members were responsible for the loss to A&M. "We may be fat-little girls," said fat-little girl Becky Shornforst, "but that doesn't mean we can't draw up a flare pattern or flood a zone." Leach said that from now on he would not allow any fat-little girls near the Tech facilities. Leach faces an uphill battle trying to keep his players from their fat-little girl friends. Linebacker Seymour Kalorys said, "I like a girl friend who's fat, little like a baby hog and I like to make her squeal so if it's between football or my fat little girlfriend, I'm sorry, su-heeeeee!" Dr. Jack Lowlane, an expert on fat-little girls explained, "Fat-little girls, well they're fat, and they need love, and well, I think Coach Leach just has to understand that his Red Raider squad has discovered there's a lot of possibilities with fat-little girls that you wouldn't have with regular sized little girls." "Like if you walk into a bar," explained Lowlane, "and you drink like 10 beers, the fat-little girl is going to be a very attractive possibility that under normal circumstances you might not consider." Leach, who is fat himself, said, "Okay, you got me with that argument...I think we can all agree that beer and fat-little girls go together so let's forget I brought the whole thing up in the first place."
What was Mike Leach talking about? Fat-little girls and football go together like beer and pretzels. AGASSI BOOK TELLS OF METH USAGE New York, NY -- Former tennis great Andre Agassi confesses in his new book, "I Banged Brooke Shields Sucka," that he used crystal meth during his career and was able to fool drug testers. Agassi's book which will be available in bookstores, stumbled into a Borders bookstore yesterday completely cranked up ready to "kick some U.S. Open ass!" "I feel like Superman but I look like Popeye the sailor!" screamed Agassi. Tennis officials from the International Tennis Federation said that they were "surprised and disappointed and if Agassi was ten years younger he would most likely be suspended." Agassi did test positive for drugs during his career over 52 times but always used the excuse, "Someone must have put something in my drink" and was able to dodge sanctions while bagging a billion dollars in Canon Sure Shot commercials. Agassi said yesterday that, "My ex-wife Tatum O'Neal got me started and we all know what a crack whore she is." When Agassi was informed that O'Neal was married to tennis player John McEnroe and not him, he said, "See how these drugs can mess you up? Stay in school kids and keep busy with activities like playing tennis and banging Hollywood celebrities." In probably the most startling confession of all, Agassi tells of a night of meth induced craze where he hallucinated that Brooke Shields "uni-brow" was crawling on his arm. "I immediately freaked and took a regular table saw and trimmed the unibrow, cutting my arm off in the process," he writes. Agassi also describes how Brooke made him repeatedly watch her first movie, "Pretty Baby" while telling him, "I was only 9 and my mother put me in movies where old foreign men tried to have sex with me...pass the crystal meth!" Agassi tells anyone who dreams of marrying a hot, sexy actress who graduated from Princeton that, "You would think that a short, bald guy would feel like he died and went to heaven marrying Brooke Shields but seriously every time I took her to visit my family I had to endure comments like 'Hey, nice werewolf,' and that'll make you want to snort."
We guarantee if you rent this f***ing snoozer, you'll want to snort Mrs. Dash's Mesquite Seasoning Blend and then cut your arm off with a table saw. PHILLIPS AFFAIR LINKED TO SEX ADDICTION New York, NY -- Under the classification of the "tail that wouldn't end," former ESPN baseball analyst Steve Phillips declared today that "I am a sex addict" and immediately enter a sex clinic today for a 30 day treatment program. Phillips' agent Steve Lefkowitz said that this course of action was planned months ago and that his treatment option "had nothing to do with his recent affair with Brooke Hundley." Everyone in the room choked, guffawed, and basically rolled around on the floor hysterical as Lefkowitz tried to sell this idea. He told reporters, "Steve Phillips is in for the fight of his life and he's going to win and in 30 days, when he takes a looks at the naked Brooke Hundley, he's going to puke like the rest of us, proving that the lame business of sexual addiction treatment really works." Sadly, sexual addiction is treated differently by society than it's twin brothers, alcoholism and drug addiction. According to sexual addiction expert Dr. Hugh Grant that is because, "when you're caught in the back seat of a car with a hooker giving you a b-job, what are you supposed to say? You were testing the back speakers?" However, sex addiction has been getting some serious coverage lately, by the media. Hockey player Theo Fleury and actor David Duchovny both came public with sex addiction confessions. Oftentimes, sex addiction can be traced to earlier abuse with the craving for sex taking over one's life like the compulsion for "juicyfruits" when watching a movie. Phillips admitted that as a boy, "I was probably fondled by Yogi Berra which led me to want to have sex with Brooke Hundley because in all truth, don't you think Brooke looks like Yogi?" Dr. Grant added, "This is a very plausible explanation and at this point, we'll take anything to explain what the f*** was Steve Phillips thinking?" Grant also explained that the sex addict "many times will crave sex in order to palliate an internal pain." In Phillips' case it is clear that his association with the Mets eventually led to some extreme palliation. "Oh yeah, I was palliating alright," explained Phillips, "and in order to palliate probably you have to get laid like hourly!"
David Duchovny showing some fine palliation. Oh, the pain...the pain! BOB GRIESE DEFENDS COMMENT ABOUT MONTOYA Columbus, OH -- ABC college football analyst Bob Griese was suspended for one game by the network after making a ethnic wisecrack about race car driver Juan Pablo Montoya. As a NASCAR ratings graphic appeared on the television screen (minus Montoya's name), fellow analyst Chris Spielman asked the question, "Where is Montoya?" to which Griese responded "Out having a taco." A firestorm of criticism and hurt feelings erupted and a confused Griese asked the question, "What, Mexicans don't eat tacos?" Later Griese was informed that Montoya was Columbian to which Griese said, "Okay, then he's out with his drug cartel." Several billion Hispanics rallied and demanded Griese be fired and immediately began making hurtful comments aimed at the former Miami quarterback. "He's got Griese hair" and "He's a big Grieseball" were two of the most offensive things that got back to Griese and he later admitted, "Gee, that really cuts me deep!" Griese asked helplessly, "Are all Latinos knife wielding, incestuous meglomaniacs like Al Pacino in 'Scarface'?" "Come on guys," he continued, "And aren't they all illegal immigrants who often have secret homosexual lovers like that freaky, gay guy in 'Con Air'?" he asked. Later, Dr. Dullard Protestant, of the organization, "Stereotypes Are Fun," commented, "Yes, and how about that old sitcom with Jack Albertson and the dead Freddy Prinze...wow that was a hoot when Jack Albertson use say things like 'get out of here and take your flies with you." Protestant said while secretly sneaking a martini, "IF we take the stereotypes out of our culture, what's going to be left to laugh about?"
Griese added, "I've also heard that Latino chicks are really easy...I sure hope that stereotype holds up!" 5-YEAR-OLD BODYBUILDER SETS GUINNESS RECORD Rome, Italy -- A 5-year-old boy has entered the Guinness World Book of Records as the strongest boy who has ever lived after he benched pressed a 280-pound Italian mother-in-law. Giuliano Stroe, who has been training since he was 2, amazed viewers on the Italian television program, "So You Thinka You Canna Lifta That Bitcha?" "SYTYCLTB" is a wildly, popular reality show where strongmen contestants try and lift fat "bitches." Stroe was able to press a rather large, if not down right fat, Philomena Peppalucci over his head to the delight of hundreds of screaming spectators. Stroe's father Iuliano said that there is little point to weightlifting or bodybuilding unless "it eventually gets you laid." The elder Stroe was confident, "I believe Giuliano has the muscles and the balls to get laid." Later, as several extremely hot Italian women swooned over Giuliano, and argued among themselves about who might babysit this new found stud. He told reporters, "When not weightlifting, I like cartoons and playing in the park." Giuliano added that he was still just a boy and he didn't want to rush growing up and promised, "I don't think I'll want to get laid until at least I'm 7." Later this year, Giuliano's father said the family is planning a vacation to the famed California bodybuilding mecca, Venice Beach. But for now, Giuliano said that his immediate plans were "just sucking my thumb and maybe wetting my bed."
Giuliano confessed later that despite having a six-pack, "I'm still afraid the boogyman is going to get me." BASEBALL REPORTER IMPREGNATED BY PASSING FAN Philadelphia, PA -- A Philadelphia Phillies fan sexually assaulted a sports reporter on Friday evening as she reported on the Phillies victory over the Los Angeles Dodgers. The reporter, Claudia Rivero was speaking on camera, when a young teenage fan stood behind her on camera and simulated sexual intercourse or in clinical terms, "dry humped." The New England Journal of Medicine defines "dry humping" as "the process of two people moving up and down repeatedly, and sometimes back and forth, fully clothed or missing some clothing but the penis does not touch the vagina but is only mildly seperated by some type of fabric, ie. boxers, panties, a burlap sack." For years, teenagers have asked "can I get pregnant from a dry hump." Dr. Lance Rentzle, a dry hump expert at the Humperdinck Clinic at the Hudson School of Music explained, "Dry humping is only a preliminary step to wet humping and I'll tell you like I told my own daughter, dry humping is totally safe if performed from opposite sides of the room." Rivero, who was repeated dry humped by a teen, fortunately did not become pregnant but did manage to grab the teen by the testicles and squeeze them until the teen begged for mercy. The teen, who dry humped Rivero throughout her entire report, became frustrated after several minutes and later found a lightpost where he was able to consumate his first full sexual experience.
The teen in the background, performing the dry hump, later found a willing Golden Retriever and the two apparently hit if off rather nicely. POLE VAULTER WINS WITHOUT VAULTING Paris, France -- For the first time in history of track and field, a competitor was able to take the first place medal in an event that she didn't compete in. Yesterday at the European Track and Field Championship, 19-year-old Hollana Pracoduvichsheva of South Central Albania was given first place without even completing one jump. One judge commented later, "Why should she have to jump? That would be a complete waste of everyone's time...she is the winner." Several other competitors balked when the results were announced but the results were final, Pracoduvichsheva was clearly the fan favorite. "I've never had to jump in my life," said Hollana later. "In fact," she said through an interpreter, "I don't know how to jump with a pole, I just stand here with the pole and I win...go figure." One competitor from Russia, who frankly was rather large in the thigh area and had unshaven armpits angrily complained, "When did the rules state that you had to have clean shaven armpits?" Francois Franco, the President of the European Track and Field Association responded, "Look, Hollana is hot, there's no point in making her jump, end of story, go home, forget about it." He added, "This should send a clear message to women in Russia and all over the world that life is unfair but not shaving under your armpits or letting leg hair grow out has definite consequences when going for a medal."
Just what would the point be of making Hollana jump up over the bar...she might get hurt and why waste our time? She's a winner!!! SIERRA CLUB TARGETS GOLF AS ECO-HAZARD Santa Clausan, CA -- The environmental watchdog organization Sierra Club announced yesterday that the golf industry is one of the top contributors to poor air quality. The excessive rounds of golf played by golfers using gas powered carts contributed to over 8 million tons of emissions in 2009. Club director Henry Unkle explained that the club will target the golf industry as a strategic way to clean up the environment. "We believe if we can change the culture of golf and encourage more players to walk instead of ride, we can all breathe a little easier," said Unkle. "I'm just like the next guy," he continued, "I enjoy a golf cart as much as anyone, particularly when it's loaded with beer and has a GPS system, but we've got to understand that there is an environmental consequence for that convenience," he cautioned. Hank Nippleman of the National Association of Golf Cart Manufacturers took exception to Unkle's attack saying, "We have a ton of improvements on today's golf carts, including a hybrid that gets over 14 holes per gallon." Nippleman suggested that the Sierra Club pick on NASCAR because, "who the f*** needs to watch a bunch of rednecks drive around in a circle at 200mph?"
Maybe next time you'll think, "IF I walk, I'll probably cut back on my emissions." TYSON KNOCKS OUT 5th GRADER ON FOX SHOW Los Angeles, CA -- Former heavyweight champion Mike Tyson scored a knockout in the first 90-seconds of the Fox show, "Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader?" The show hosted by comedian Jeff Foxworthy pits adult contestants against smart 5th graders and the laughs are fast and furious. The show's producers invited Tyson to star as a celebrity guest and he competed against 11-year-old Benji Butterbein. Tyson drew the first question, "What is the longest river in Egypt?" Tyson first asked the audience, tried to eliminate two choices, then phoned a friend, then phoned his former cell block and the best he could come up with was, "The Cahulawassee." Foxworthy immediately began to laugh and said, "Hey Mike, are you thinking about the Cahulawassee from the movie 'Deliverance' where Ned Beatty gets cornholed by the hillbillies on the banks of the river while Burt Reynolds and Ronny Cox stood by helplessly?" Tyson responded, "Yeah man, that was Egypt right?" Immediately Butterbein pounced on Tyson miscue and announced the Nile as the longest river in Eygpt proving Tyson is not as smart as the average 5th grader in Chad. Tyson immediately punched Benji senseless and said, "Alright, now bring on a fourth grader! cause I know I can kick his ass too." Fox later said it was the highest rated show ever on the network and they immediately offered Tyson the lead in their new show "Are You Smarter Than Mike Tyson Then You Better Keep Your F***ing Mouth Shut." Tyson smiled a toothless grin and said, "I know for sure that the Mississippi River is in Mississippi!" and with that punched out Jeff Foxworthy just because we're all tired of redneck humor.
Poor Ned Beatty never recovered from this scene on the old Cuhulawassee or was it the Nile? ESPN'S PHILLIPS MIGHT MOVE IN WITH PITINO Louisville, KY -- Suspended ESPN baseball analyst Steve Phillips visited Louisville basketball coach Rick Pitino and asked him if he wanted to share an apartment just hours after Mrs. Phillips said, "Get your cheating mother f***ing ass out of Dodge." Phillips, who was recently caught in a nasty affair with 22-year-old Brooke Hundley, allegedly told Pitino, "I swear, I'll be a great roommate and I'll buy all the beer." Pitino said he was reluctant to allow Phillips into his apartment after taking a look at Hundley. "Truthfully," said Pitino, "I may be disgraced and humiliated before the entire nation, but I still have some standards." Pitino said he was concerned that the supposedly jilted, crazy, insane, revengeful Hundley might stalk Phillips to Pitino's pad and kill his pets, but he added, "I'm cool with that as long as she has a friend." The former Met manager Phillips pleaded with Pitino, "Yeah, for sure, Brooke is obsessive and delusional, but look I'm bringing a really awesome flat-screen into the apartment and I've got my own futon." Pitino expressed concerns that he wasn't sure how the two would get along and share. "As long as Steve understands that if he brings someone home, I want to bang her too, then we should have no problems," added Pitino. Former President Bill Clinton said, "Hey, I wish I knew you guys were going in on an apartment or else I wouldn't have bought a house in New York." Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer comforted Clinton saying, "If I'm not too late, I'd love to share a place with you and I promise I'll bring the beer and the hookers." Idaho Senator Larry Craig said, "Hey there's nothing I'd like better than to get an apartment with a couple of guys."
Just two words for you, Steve-a-roo...Pearle Vision! RABBI LANDS NBA COACHING JOB New York, NY - An orthodox rabbi has done what few rabbis before were able to achieve and that is to coach an NBA franchise. The Los Angeles Clippers announced yesterday that Rabbi Yitchak Dovid Grossman would take over coaching responsibilities and current coach Mike Dunleavy will become the former coach. Grossman made quite an impression on NBA officials the other night in Madison Square Garden during the Knicks exhibition game against Maccabi Tel Aviv of the Euroleague. During the game, Maccabi coach Pini Gershon was ejected and then refused to leave the bench. Gershon argued with cheap, replacement refs after receiving two technical fouls. Gershon said that he hadn't seen such poor refs since "Tim Doneghy phoned in a bet while covering a fast break in a 2005 finals game." Gershon became so agitated and out of control, Rabbi Grossman was forced to come out of the stands and take the team over. Grossman instructed Gershon to leave the court and that, "The law says that you are to forgive so you forgive, if you forgive then I can tell the children, look, he forgives too." With that Gershon left the court calmly demonstrating the power of forgiveness under Torah law. Soon after, Grossman diagrammed some plays that had Maccabi soon "kicking some serious Knickerbocker ass." Later Grossman said, "The law also states that you find seven footer who can throw it down, talk smack, and run the floor." Immediately after the game, Clippers owner Donald Sterling said, "I want a piece of that rabbi so let's drop the little bald guy we have and hire the guy with the cap." Grossman said he
was honored to be coaching the Clippers but warned,
"Don't expect too much, after all they are the
Clippers, LA's other team, but I like this kid
Griffin and the law does say, 'Most of the time
lottery picks are a bust but once in while you can
land a real stud.'" Meet new Clippers' coach Rabbi Grossman as he instructs his players on the law, "Pass up the three ball for an easy two near the basket." SUDOKU REMATCH SPURS VIOLENCE Philadelphia, PA -- Reigning National Sudoku champion Wei-Hwa Huang couldn't wait until Saturday's rematch with former champion Thomas Snyder to get the action started. The two contestants began jawing at yesterday's weigh-in with Huang promising, "I will destroy you with every last fiber of my being," and threatening to poison Snyder while he slept. Each man took several swings at the other but there were no blows landed because they are Sudoku players. "Let's not forget, these are Sudoku players not fighters," said former boxing great Joe Frazier. Huang asked Frazier to be in his corner "just in case things get ugly." Smokin' Joe instructed Huang to cover up early, play some cat and mouse with Snyder, and save his energy for the later rounds. Sudoku, a complicated game that involves filling in numbers 1 through 9 in boxes on a grid, so that each number appears only once in any column or row, involves logic and skill but no math prowess. Critics of the game call it "barbaric and inhumane." "Competitive puzzle solving is just flat out primitive and there out to be laws to stop people from having to complete anything using higher brain function," said longtime culture critic Crispy Kram. "I just hope common sense prevails and someone steps in and stops the match before anyone is seriously injured," he added. This week's rematch pits a Google software engineer versus a bioengineering researcher promises to be a "bloodbath." Snyder taunted Huang with promises that one of the two men will be dead by the end of the match and "you'll be choking on your own Google!" Huang supporters chanted his nickname "Well", while Snyder fans sharpened several No. 2 pencils. "I haven't seen this type of electricity in the air since Billie Jean King came out of the closet," said longtime sportswriter Harry Jumble. Frazier echoing his legendary reference to his fight with Muhammad Ali called this weekend's match the "Thrilla in Philla."
Snyder, a buff bioengineering researcher exclaiming at the weigh-in, "You want to see 'Well Huang'?" DETROIT SHOCK MOVING TO OKLAHOMA? NO F***ING WAY! Detroit, MI -- The Detroit Shock franchise of the WNBA is moving to Tulsa, Oklahoma according to insiders and the team members just may refuse to go. Team president Tom Wilson did not return any calls today because the Shock lonly sold six tickets during their entire season and were forced to turn off their phones. The team has done well winning several WNBA titles under coach Rick Mahorn but have faced intense competition for the ten available Detroit fans from the cross-town Lions of the NFL. "Let's see," asked one fan, "do I want to go to a Shock game, a Lions game, or have a hot oil enema? Wow, let's get the fire started!" But Mahorn calmed his players telling them, "I'll bet Oklahoma is a swell place for young, black single females...at least you know there are at least twelve black guys in the whole state playing for the Thunder." "I ain't going to no state with 'homo' in the name," said Shock point guard and former blaxploitation film star Pam Grier who starred in the cult classic "Foxy Brown." Mahorn added, " You know like I'm a mother f***ing genius f***ing coach if I can get f***ing Foxy Brown to point guard my mother f***ing team." Tulsa mayor Hank Sheetz said he welcomed the Shock as Oklahoma's new flagship WNBA team. "Where do people get the idea that Tulsa is not a welcoming place for young black women from Detroit?...I'll bet you didn't know that I had a cameo in 'Fakin' the Funk', a wildly popular urban cult classic filmed right here in Tulsa."
One Shock player hearing the news could only respond, "Tulsa, are you out of your mother f***ing head?" JOCKWEB PULLS OUT OF BULLFIGHTING SPONSORSHIP Jockweb, HQ -- Jockweb CEO and Grand Inquisitor Shecky Sheckstein stunned the bullfighting community and the entire world by announcing that Jockweb will sever all advertising ties with the International Bullfighting Association. For the past twenty years Jockweb has steadfastly advertised at bull rings throughout Spain and Mexico but Sheckstein has recently had a change of heart. "I can't say exactly what caused my change of heart, because I still have the same heart and I don't get the whole change of heart phrase unless you have a transplant or something," said Sheckstein. He insisted, "Basically I'm still the same blood thirsty carnivore I've always been but you can call it softening in my old age or call me a sentimental fool for animals with horns." People For The Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) have targeted Jockweb as an evil perpetrator of negative stereotypes and "just a plain piece of journalistic doo-doo and a large consumer of red meat especially when seasoned and served in a red wine demi-glaze." "PETA went after Sheckstein with everything they had in their arsenal," said longtime Jockweb columnist Fred Collingdale. "I think the pressure just got to be too much for him," added Collingdale. Sheckstein defended his record on animal rights citing, "I think every animal on this planet has the right to life, liberty, and relieving him/herself on my lawn as long as someone is there with a little plastic baggie to pick up the turds." "I will say," added Sheckstein, "I don't know why we were supporting bullfighting when no one at Jockweb can speak Spanish." World renowned matador Carlos Ortega Bordega Bordoga Borgata was furious that Sheckstein caved into to PETA pressure. He angrily defended his sport by asking, "Truthfully, would you rather plunk down $250 to watch a bull be stabbed in the head or watch the Washington Redskins lose to the Kansas City Chiefs?"
Jockweb staffers want to know, did this PETA vixen have anything to do with Sheckstein shifting political allegiance? STEPHON MARBURY LEAVES NBA FOR KIBBUTZ Tel Aviv, Israel -- NBA guard Stephon Marbury has left professional basketball and moved to Israel to experience life on a kibbutz. Marbury left the NBA after failing to reach an agreement with the Boston Celtics as a free agent. In addition, Marbury was still smarting after his nasty departure last season from the New York Knicks and head coach Mike D'Antoni. In addition to that addition, Marbury is said to be depressed at the all but dead sales of his Starbury line of cheap sneakers. "I think we sold about six pairs so I've had it with America," said Marbury arriving at the Kibbutz Shittern Mogn. "Oy ve tsu meina baina," said Marbury in Yiddish which roughly means, "Woe is me down to my toes." Marbury said he's tiried of his reputation as a me-first type of teammate and said, "Life on kibbutz shows just what kind of guy I am." A kibbutz is a communal farm settlement movement found in Israel where there is no private property or ownership of land, goods, or high tech entertainment products. Everything is shared by members of the kibbutz which can be a little messy especially if you're sharing a bowl of oatmeal. But Marbury says that , "I really like to kibitz so I'm going to hang around and kibitz my ass off." Marbury added that there was no kibitzing on the Knicks or the Celtics and he felt he had to go where the kibitzing was prevalent. "Dreck, those Knicks are fercokt and D'Antoni is a faygala and ale tseyn zoln bay im aroysfaln," emphasized Marbury. Again, roughly translated, "Shit, man, da Knicks be f***ed up and the coach he a faggot assed mother f***ker who mother f***ing teeth ought to fall the f*** out."
It is not entirely clear whether Marbury will kibbutz or kibitz but either way the Knicks are still fercokt. LASORDA TOSSED FROM LA DUGOUT Los Angeles, CA -- Former Los Angeles Dodgers manager Tommy Lasorda was forcibly removed from the Dodgers' dugout yesterday after he insisted he was still in charge of the team. Some witnesses said that Lasorda seemed to be frozen in time believing it was a 1981 playoff game between the Dodgers and the Phillies. Lasorda insisted that Dodgers pitcher Vincente Padilla pitch Mike Schmidt "low and away because he's a sucker for that pitch." Manager Joe Torre went along with ruse for a few innings but then Lasorda insisted that Steve Garvey bat for Rafael Furcal in the seventh inning. In the top of the 8th, Lasorda called on Orel Hersheiser to relieve Padilla and then told Padilla to "get on the next flight to Nicaragua." Lasorda became very agitated screaming, "Where'd all these Latinos come from?" The straw the finally broke the camel's back came when Lasorda tried to forcibly grab ass the third base ball girl. "Come to Uncle Tommy," he screamed but by that time security and players alike told a surprised Lasorda that it's 2009 and he's supposed to be doing weight loss commercials. A dejected Lasorda returned to a television studio in time to cut a fast video with Dan Marino saying, "Hey, I lose 250 pounds taking crystal meth!"
A disoriented Lasorda even put on the away uniform at home. BRADY QUINN SELLS HOUSE; WEIS TO BLAME Cleveland, OH -- Cleveland Browns quarterback and former Notre Dame stud-muffin Brady Quinn has put his house up for sale in suburban Cleveland. Initially, speculation had it that Quinn was on the trading block but yesterday Browns' coach Eric Mangini gave Quinn a vote of confidence saying, "He may be an overrated overpaid suckmeister disappointment but he's our overrated overpaid suckmeister disappointment." Speaking to reporters Quinn hinted that he was forced to sell his house and move to an undisclosed location to get away from his former college coach, Charlie Weis. Reports from Cleveland say that Weis was making a habit of bringing hookers over to Quinn's house while Quinn was out of town. "Charlie had a pretty good thing going," said one Notre Dame insider. "Brady gave him the keys to the house and whenever Charlie had free time, he'd be in Cleveland." Quinn would not betray his former coach but did say, "Look if a guy is going to use your house with hookers at least have the decency to make the bed and put your dirty dishes in the dishwasher." Weis and his people are denying the allegations however Weis did admit that, "I've been to a lot of cities and no one has hookers like Cleveland." "You know the town gets a bad rap," said Weis, "but they do have the Rock'nRoll Hall of Fame and some lovely ladies." Quinn, who is said to be "too nice of a guy" to betray his coach's confidence, decided it would be easier to sell the house and move into Braylon Edwards' old pad. Sadly, yesterday, Quinn got his ass kicked by Lebron James and some of his pals, when he was mistaken for Edwards. "I guess we look a little bit alike," said the battered Quinn, "but at least I have this place to myself."
Quinn's former ND teammates pose in his living room with a whole gaggle of Cleveland hookers. JACKSON CHILDREN NOT ALLOWED TO WATCH RAIDERS Los Angeles, CA -- Deceased pop star Michael Jackson's mother Katherine has denied that his children, who she is named the primary caretaker, are permitted to watch the Oakland Raiders on Sundays. Prince, Paris, and Blinkey Jackson are currently being raised "in a cocoon" in order that "they not turn out remotely like Michael." Insiders say that the elder Jackson has taken exclusive control of the children's upbringing and is fanatical about what activities they can or cannot do. Katherine Jackson speaking to Jockweb exclusively said, "I'm very careful about what the children are exposed to because you never know what effect all of the garbage out there has on their development, especially 'Full House' and the Oakland Raiders." The grandmother was emphatic that watching the Oakland Raiders is comparable to smoking 9 rocks of crack cocaine and that as long as she is breathing, the children will not be permitted to watch the team or any shows with Bob Saget. "It's a mind numbing experience watching the Raiders," she said, "and no child should have to go through that,", she emphasized. "I don't know who's more frightening, Al Davis, Ja'marcus Russell, Tom Cable or Danny Tanner putting Michelle to bed," she commented. "Blinkey has nightmares that somehow Tom Cable gets into his bedroom and diagrams plays for negative yardage," she explained. The word on the street is that Al Davis is trying to move the team to Neverland where he hopes to put on an engineer's hat and "drive that little train around the outside of the amusement park." Davis has long stated, "My dream is to be a choo-choo driver or sell my team to Rush Limbaugh." Mrs. Jackson did not totally condemn the children watching the NFL adding, "Sometimes the football programs are very good, like the time they showed my Janet's boob...that was a very fine program."
Al Davis is bucking to trade one amusement ride for another. OSU'S BRYANT SUSPENDED FOR LYING Stillwater, OK -- Oklahoma State's top receiver and possible Heisman candidate Dez Bryant was suspended indefinitely for lying to NCAA officials about a secret relationship with former NFL great Deion Sanders. Investigators questioned Bryant about the nature of the relationship and OSU officials say Bryant got scared and lied about exactly he was doing when meeting Sanders in hotel rooms. Officials are not sure of just what the two footballers were doing together during the clandestine affair. "We're not sure if there was agent contact or sexual contact but why not just go with the latter cause it'll be more interesting speculation," said one NCAA investigator. "The sexual ones are the most fun...the illegal shit with agents is so common place that frankly it's boring," he continued. Bryant would not talk with reporters but did say, "I love Deion and I only want him to be happy." Under oath Bryant did admit, "Oh I see his face everywhere I go, on the street, and even at the picture show, have you seen him, tell me have you seen him." Sources close to the investigation say that Sanders is not talking and denies involvement with Bryant. "I'm Deion Sanders, I'm not going to go out with a college kid, for God's sakes I've slept with Chris Berman." Friends of Bryant say that the young receiver is hurt and disillusioned by Sander's denial. Later Bryant did confess, "As another day comes to an end, I'm looking for a letter or somethin' anything he would send, with all the people I know I'm still a lonely man, you know it's funny, I thought I had him in the palm of my hand." When set to music Bryant's lament is eerily similar to the Chi-Lites 1970's mega-smash hit. OSU's rich grandfather T. Boone Pickens said yesterday, "Why don't I just buy the NCAA and turn it into an oil company?"
T. Boone has not done too bad for himself and adding the NCAA would just be another feather in his portfolio. SNOW CONE MAN FOUND DEAD AT CORRS FIELD Denver, CO -- A "Snow Cone" concessionaire was found dead yesterday in the bowels of Corrs Field from what appears to be an overdose of flavored syrup. Police discovered 39-year-old Hazami Al-Izsemaan frozen "like a statue" early Monday morning after Game 4 of the MLB playoff series between the Colorado Rockies and the Philadelphia Phillies. Temperatures at the game were well below freezing and investigators theorize that either Al-Izsemaan froze to death or took his own life by downing several bottles of very, very sweet snow cone syrups. Several other stadium concession personnel who knew Al-Izsemaan explained that he had been depressed since obtaining the snow cone concession. "He had the dream to come to America and have opportunity but I guess this was just the wrong opportunity," said Larry Saltzer, a cheese fries salesman. "Certainly his idea of selling snow cones in Colorado in October was a seriously flawed business model," he added. Noted Nobel Laureate economist Milton Friedman once said, "Location, location, location you nimbwit!." "This is the underbelly of free enterprise," said documentarian Michael Moore, "and as long as there are idiots like this I'll have a movie career." Al-Izsemaan's family said that he was so excited to be in business for himself but soon turned depressed when he could not sell one single snow cone. "He was a guy who could see eyeglasses to the blind but not a snow cone in Denver," said one friend. FBI regional director Sparky Lyley said that Al-Izsemaan was being investigated as part of a terrorist cell. "Lots of time terrorists will use snow cone sales as a front to infiltrate our society and I ask, how stupid do you think we are?" he commented. "We'll never know if he was just a dreamer or a man hell bent on destroying our way of life," Lyley sadly spoke.
All that was left behind at Corr's Field were some unsold cones that reflect the real artistic genius of Al-Izsemann. AMERICANS WIN TEAM PORRIDGE CHAMPIONSHIP Carrbridge, Scotland -- A severely underdog US team came out of nowhere to surprise the judges at the World Porridge Championship and take home the first place trophy. The Americans stepped up their game on Sunday with a large vat of Quaker Quick Oats laced with brown sugar, essence of maple, and topped off with fresh breast milk. "I think it was the fresh breast milk that did it," said Lou "Crazy Mush" Mangotts. Mangotts led his teammates with amazing concentration and inventiveness. "Most people take porridge lightly," explained Mangotts, "but in Scotland it's very important because in Scotland there's nothing to do and you can't understand a f***ing word they say so you think the waiter saying something like, 'you a nice steak?' when actually he's saying, 'aet yur guddum purrits mistar,' so what you do is just get in the porridge competition for the hell of it." Judge Angus MacDoozle paid the highest of compliments to the American team saying, "The bresti malk twas a splintid itea." Mangotts explained that it was just good luck and not skill that made him choose the breast milk recipe. "You see we fully intended to go with a low fat or a skim milk but bad refrigeration caused our milk to sour," he continued. Fortunately the Artist Formerly Known As Prince was given a concert in Carrbridge and he volunteered his very own celebrity breast milk. "I think that fact that it was the Artist Formerly Known As Prince's breast milk sealed the deal for us," said teammate Jack "Instant Oats" Borden. "It was inspiring as hell just to be in Scotland for the competition but to have the Artist Formerly Known As Prince lactate right in front of you and then to generate enough milk to serve porridge to ten judges, well that was just breathtaking," he said triumphantly hoisting his golden spurtle (symbolic of the winning stirrer) and saluting the maker of "Purple Rain."
Nothing to do in Scotland but cook some oatmeal is no laughing matter. FLYERS' PLAYER GUILTY AFTER POOP INSPECTION Philadelphia, PA -- The National Hockey League front office announced yesterday that Philadelphia Flyers winger Scott Hartnell did actually bite Pittsburgh Penguins defenseman Kris Letang in a close scrum during Thursday night's game. Hartnell denied Letang's allegation that he did indeed bite Letang finger off. Letang explained, "He was gnawing on pretty damn good and then I noticed my wedding ring fell to the ice so I figured he was finished." Hartnell said, "I may have nibbled but I never gnawed." Letang said after the game during a press conference, "All I want is my finger back." The NHL immediately placed Hartnell under house arrest and order him to undergo the infamous "poop inspection." Hartnell under strict supervision had to unload his bowels for investigators. "I thought it was tough to take a piss with people looking, you have no idea of what pressure is," he spoke out of breath. Investigators were able to find the finger, clean it up a bit, and rush it to a Pittsburgh hospital where a team of doctors re-attached the finger to Letang. Investigator Raul Colon explained his role in the case, "Well I am the lucky guy who gets to look for the finger and let me tell you after he ate the finger, I suspect Mr. Hartnell also ate a chalupa." The NHL said they have not decided what to do but they did give a big, hearty thanks to Colon. "He's an American hero," said one front office spokesperson, "and you know? 'The Poop Inspector' might make a hellava new TV series."
Last night Hartnell feasted on two whole hands of a St. Louis Blues center. LIMBAUGH, "BLACK RAMS HAVE NOTHING TO FEAR!" St. Louis, MO -- Conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh scoffed at the notion that somehow he would be a bad fit as an owner of the NFL St. Louis Rams. Black players in particular have been vocal that Limbaugh has repeatedly demonstrated over the years that he may be a closet racist. Limbaugh denied the allegations saying it was part of a far-left communist plot led by President Barrack Obama. Limbaugh, who along with former Knicks president Dave Checketts, are leading a group that may purchase the Rams off of the children of former owner Georgia Frontiere. Though the details of the purchase are still sketchy, Limbaugh insists that black players have nothing to fear. "Look, you need a shitload of restroom attendants if you're going to run an NFL franchise," Limbaugh explained on his program. "There's nothing I like better than to go into a men's room, do my thing, wash my hands and have a black guy hand me some paper towel," he added. "I think this is the direction we want to go in America," he spoke with fervor, "I'm talking real opportunity for my black brothers." Limbaugh added there were some other really terrific jobs that blacks could get under Limbaugh ownership. "There's going to be a ton of opportunities just wiping down stadium seats for white season ticket holders," he promised. "Who likes to sit on a damp stadium seat? he asked, "and that's a hellava job for an enterprising black guy." The recovering drug addict even went as far as to promise, "I'm gonna promise you that Donovan McNabb is gonna have a job waxing my car, so don't you dare play the race card with old Rush!"
Limbaugh thinks, "We can pick our own cotton for our jerseys and save a bundle." IOC OPENS DOOR TO BROTHEL FUNDING London, England -- The International Olympic Committe gave the green light to Olympian Logan Campbell to open a brothel in order to raise funds for his training. Some committee members thought "brothel funding" gave Campbell an unfair advantage over other competitors that don't run brothels but eventually the committee released a statement saying, "Hey this is a pretty damn good idea." Campbell got the idea last summer and open a brothel so he wouldn't have to ask his parents for money. "Initially I needed to train full-time and give up my paper route," said the 27-year-old New Zealander, "but then I asked myself, I wonder if I could make a decent wage from a houseful of hookers?" Campbell was surprised at how well he was able to do with just seven hookers. "Do the math," he suggested, "if you've got seven hookers working seven hours a day, seven days a week at seventy dollars an hour, you can see why I could say goodbye to my paper route." The IOC applauded Campbell's initiative saying, "It's entrepreneurs like Logan Campbell who embody the Olympic spirit of excellence, friendship, and dedication to ideals." Continuing the IOC added, "Why can't all Olympians be more like Logan Campbell? Just think what a world it would be if there were hookers everywhere working as hard as Campbell's." "On behalf of a lot of us who haven't been laid since the Berlin Games, we applaud you!" said IOC representative Ian Shaket.
At Campbell's it's , "How Much Is That Doggie In The Window, I Do Hope That Doggie's For Sale!" FLORIDA JUDGE ORDERS SPEEDO TO HALT THONG PRODUCTION Talahassee, FL -- A Florida judge has ordered swimsuit manufacturer Speedo to stop producing the ubiquitous thong male bathing suit which has been the staple of swimmers for a billion years. Judge Judith Hawkins was hearing case concerning "Speedo Man" or otherwise known as 55-year-old Richard Irby. Irby has been riding a bicycle around Talahassee for years wearing only a blue Speedo thong. Police have arrested him several times for indecent exposure due that his thong is not large enough to cover his genitals. Local residents complained to police that not only were they forced to look at Irby's testicles but "that they were 55-year-old testicles that were prune-like and should just not be exposed to any more sun." Hawkins said that in the name of protecting all Florida testicles from futher U-V damage, she was ordering the Speedo company, "to cease manufacturing a suit clearly a threat to the public health." Speedo has sixty days to either remove all thongs from store shelves or face further court action. Speedo attorney Robert Smalls argued, "Can you at least let us add several millimeters of fabric to the suit in order to cover said testicles?" Hawkins rejected the argument saying "A thong is meant for a woman and it's only real function is to wedge deeply in the crack of a female ass...the male anatomy is not suited for this type of sexual imagery." Smalls said he felt that the ruling could undermine the entire French-Canadian tourist industry. "It frightens me to hell that I could go on a beach with French-Canadians and not be able to count exposed bulges...truthfully and with due respect, Judge Hawkins has exceeded the court's powers."
The question we need to be asking is how much the additional fabric needed to cover genitalia will impact Speedo's marginal costs and therefore negatively affect 4th quarter earnings. ESPN THE MAGAZINE "BODY" ISSUE TO HIT STANDS New York, NY -- It was only a matter of time until the publishing world caught up with Sports Illustrated's monopoly on naked women under the guise of sports. For years the popular magazine has cornered the market with their soft porn "swimsuit" issue which has become a staple of men's rooms throughout the country. But ESPN the magazine has taken the concept one step further with it's "The Body" issue which will feature popular athletes completely nude. Serena Williams! Joba Chamberlain! John Kruk! "We asked thousands of athletes to pose naked but only a handful returned our call," explained one magazine executive. "It's a great concept and we believe we're finally going to be mentioned in the same breath as SI," he continued. ESPN expects the "Body Issue" will become a tradition because, "America want to see it's athletes naked." Critics and competitors alike are already saying, "This is truly the bottom of the barrel as far as nude athletes are concerned." A hurt Joba Chamberlain asked, "Don't you think Yankee fans imagine me naked when I'm pitching?" Serena Williams commented the issue gives her a chance at exacting some revenge. "Look baby," she said, "I've got to look at this fat ass naked every day, it's high time the rest of you had to take a turn," she said. Former Oakland Raiders quarterback Ken Stabler said, "This is going to resurrect my career and put Kenny Stabler back in the minds of GM's throughout the NFL...I've still got game." Former Raiders coach and color commentator John Madden said, "How about an all-nude John Madden video game where you have to undress me after a playoff game...wouldn't the kids just love that?"
ANDREWS' STALKER BACK HOME Chicago, IL -- Michael David Barrett, the man who became famous for placing a camera in the peephole of Erin Andrews' hotel room, was released on $4500 bail by Chicago judge. The judge call Barrett's snooping "just the most awful, horrific crime I've ever witnessed on my 28 years on the bench." Barrett, without Andrews knowledge, stealthily planted a mini-spy camera in the peephole of Andrews' room and then taped Andrews in various stages of undress and released the tape on-line. Judge Arlander Keys came down hard on Barrett by not allowing him to have internet access for a week. "I don't want you on the internet, in chat rooms, or going to any of those naughty adult sites, do you understand me, young man?" shouted the very paternal Keys. Keys also left the courtroom with a copy of the controversial video and told the court, "Don't worry, it's safe with me." Barrett still has to face stalking charges in Los Angeles and could face up to five years in prison. But Barrett was most upset with a week without internet service. He pleaded, "Please sir, you can take my bike away, I won't have dessert for a week, and I promise no television, but I beg you sir, don't take away my computer or my mini-spy camera!" After waffling for a few minutes Keys said, "Alright I know I shouldn't but you've got to promise me, young man, that you won't put any more mini-spy cameras in peepholes for the sole purpose of taping women undressing." Barrett promised saying, "I'll be sooooo good that if I'm bad again, I won't put the tape on-line but I promise to bring it straight to your house." Keys exclaimed, "You've got a deal!"
How much longer can we let this peephole camera stuff go on before we say, "Enough?" BRAZIL BEATS OUT CHICAGO FOR 2016 OLYMPICS Copenhagen, Denmark -- The International Olympic Committee announced that Brazil will be awarded the hosting of the 2016 Olympic games beating out the much lobbied Chicago effort led by First Lady Michelle Obama. According to sources close to the IOC, the decision came down to women. Members of the committee, especially the men (though a few women too) felt that Brazil "just has more hot women than Chicago." "It's jus that simple," said Huevio Garasparra Jones, a non-voting member. Washington insiders say that Michelle Obama is furious over the decision. "I gave up my daughter's Saturday soccer game to go to Copenhagen and frankly, I strutted some of my best stuff for the committee," she told reporters. "Hey, I'm pretty hot, wouldn't you say, and if they had come to Chicago, they would have seen what a firecracker I am," she said dejectedly. Brazil President Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva agreed that Michelle Obama is "kind of hot for a First Lady." "Let's just say, she's no Barbara Bush," said da Silva. "And holy mother of God," he added, "look how long my name is...I don't know whether to call myself Luiz, Louie, Inacio, Lulu, or Silvia." Obama did later admit, "You know Brazil does have some hot women and Chicago, well, we've got Oprah." Oprah immediately decided to do a special on, "Hot Brazilian women and the men who insist on talking after sex." "Yes," said Oprah, "I agree, Brazilian women are more desirable than Chicago women and I'm dropping Steadman and getting myself one."
We hate to be mythbusters for the record, we've been to Brazil, and it ain't all it's cracked up to be. TRENT DILFER: "I BET AGAINST MYSELF!" Los Angeles, CA -- Former NFL quarterback and current television analyst Trent Dilfer confesses in his upcoming book, "I gambled on football and I usually bet against myself." In his book, "IT'S DILFER NOT DILDO!" Dilfer admits that he had a problem with gambling during his playing days and even when he quarterbacked the Baltimore Ravens to the Super Bowl championship, "Whenever I quarterbacked we were sure to lose. so naturally I tried to cash in." Dilfer tells in the book how he got mixed up with a bunch of shady guys from Seacucus, New Jersey and suddenly he was involved in some huge gambling debts. "I bet against myself twelve times in 2004 and we won every game," he explained, "and soon I owed a guy named Louie Putz a half a mil." "I had no where to turn and soon the mob began to come after me for the money and then removing fingers and toes each time I couldn't pay," the book reads. "Try throwing a football with two fingers on your throwing hand and just a big toe on your planting foot," he continues. Dilfer said that the worst thing about losing his fingers is that he had no place to wear his Super Bowl ring. "Well if you use your imagination, I did have one place to sort of hang the ring," he chuckled. "My lesson to all the kids out there is don't gamble or else you'll have no toes and fingers and you end up with a big diamond ring on your penis and trust me, it's not as comfortable as wearing jewelry on your hands," closes Dilfer.
Dilfer shown here with two missing fingers, eventually lost all his limbs to gambling debts. 9th GRADE GOLFER IMPRESSES IN LPGA EVENT Prattville, AL -- World number one ranked female golfer Lorena Ochoa was tied yesterday with 14-year-old Alexis Thompson after the second round of the $1.3 million LPGA Navistar Classic. Thompson could possibly be the youngest player to win a professional golf event she can continue her hot streak over the last two rounds. Ochoa fired a 68 while Thompson shot 69 for a two-total of 136 apiece. Ochoa said she was really bothered by playing with a 9th grader. "She was texting the whole time and talking on her cell phone saying things like 'omigod' and 'awesome' like every f***ing tee," explained the angry Mexican. Ochoa called Thompson on a rules infraction on the 7th hole when she caught Thompson passing notes to former PGA great Johnny Miller. "He's sooooooo hot," said Thompson, "and I hope he'll go to my frosh hop with me." Thompson asked Miller, 59, to the May dance but Miller is unsure if he's free that night, and he said, "I'll have to see if my wife allow it but I'm a Morman, and they won't have any problem with it." Official penalized Thompson 2 strokes on two holes for the exceeding minutes on her family's cell phone plan and charging GAP clothing to her father's credit card. "Like, that is sooooo mean," protested Thompson, "and like I am never talking to you again!" Thompson also said that girl at the next lunch table, "is such a bitch dirtbag that I'd like to scratch her eyes out." Miller asked, "Like if I did take her to the dance, like do I have to get flowers and shit for her?" His mother said, "Yes, you do, that is what a nice boy does when he gets asked to a dance!"
This 9th grader sits at the next lunch table near Thompson and she is a bitch dirtbag and we're not talking to her ever again! NEW HOPE FOR NCAA: ACADEMIC DOPING Lexington, KY -- Nootropics or smart drugs, the new class of performance enhancers that boost academic performance are being embraced by hundreds of NCAA basketball and football coaches. Despite raising many dilemmas about the legitimacy of chemically enhanced academic performance, within the last week these substances have become readily available throughout the entire country. As basketball recruiting season winds down, coaches were on the road last week dispensing drugs such as donepezil and galantamine, two prescriptions that improve retention. "I love this shit," exclaimed John Calipari. "For the first time in twenty years I may have a kid break 600 on the SAT's," he shouted enthusiastically. Florida State's Bobby Bowden chimed in, "Watch out Joe Paterno, I'm up your ass!" Some critics went out on a limb to suggest that "smarts in a bottle" may be a form of cheating. "Of course it is," screamed Calipari, "what do you think the 'C' stands for in NCAA?" One Kentucky recruit who was struggling with some common SAT words like, "seldom" and "fornication", popped two pills and wrote a 22-page admission essay on "The Geopolitical Strategic Disadvantages of Enriched Uranium In The Hands of Those Really Crazy Guys With Beards Who Hate Westerners." Calipari proudly said, "I can't read myself but hey, that shouldn't stop a young man from pursuing his collegiate athletic dreams."
Calipari was able to diagram exactly how smart drugs effect the brain. VICK INKS NIKE DEAL; PROMISES AID TO PETA Beaverton, OR -- Sneaker super-corp Nike penned an endorsement deal with fallen, risen, current football star Michael Vick. Vick will wear Nike shoes and apparel in exchange for lots of money to replace all the money he lost in his Virginia dog fighting operation. The smiling Vick said, "Never did I think when I was naked in the shower at Leavenworth with a lot of homocidal inmates that I would be here sporting some great Nike products for a few million bucks...this is a great f***ing country." However, the Nike endorsement has sparked a firestorm of criticism from critics upset that Vick didn't sign with a more socially conscious company. "I would love to see Mike Vick with his own line at K-Mart," said the biting Martha Stewart. "A lot of people overlook K-Mart as a reasonable alternative to high priced department stores," added Stewart, "and I'll put up my Martha Stewart line against anything you might pay ten times more for at Bloomingdales." Vick responded by saying, "I like K-Mart and I like Martha Stewart silk sheets though I don't think I want to sleep on them with Martha." However Vick did respond to those raging against his advertising rehabilitation saying, "I'm going to take all the money I make from Nike and help these PETA folks get some clothes." Most PETA protestors cannot afford clothing because they are spending most of their time protesting and Vick said, "I want to bring new awareness to the plight of PETA protesting." He added with a tear, "These poor bastards don't have the proper clothing and winter is coming and I'm going to personally get them some suave Nike gear so they don't have to suffer anymore." He implored all Americans to look into their hearts and help PETA protestors with "lots of leather shoes and some nice 12oz. steaks."
Vick promised to get these folks dressed right and out of these cages. "Even I had a 8x8 cell," he said. SOCCER REF TAKES A LEAK...ON FIELD...DURING GAME Al Maroofa, Qatar -- Veteran soccer referee Massimo Busacca took out his talleywagger during the middle of Sunday's match in the Qatar Stars league and relieved himself on the 20-yard line. The veteran ref had no other explanation other than to say, "Hey, it's not a big deal when I'm playing golf so what's the big deal when I'm refereeing soccer." The entire Middle Eastern world reacted fiercely in protest because they have strict rules against this sort of thing. "We have really, really strict rules against this kind of thing," said Defense Minister Holdon Al Itite. "Look, you can get your hand cut off for stealing a candy bar, so you can imagine what we can do to someone who whips out his wang and pees in public," he added. The Middle Eastern countries have the lowest incidences of peeing ON golf courses than any other region on the globe. Golfer and frequent public urinator "Bob" said, "You won't be catching me emptying my wine sack on a Middle Eastern golf course, no sir-ee...shit, you can lose a lot of strokes with a move like that." Busacca defended himself saying, "First of all, it was soccer game and it was the only interesting thing that happened in ninety minutes and secondly, it wasn't like I was in the new Cowboys' stadium." Cowboys owner Jerry Jones commented, "This type of incident would not have happened in my stadium cause I spent 40 million on some spanking cool urinals that flush automatically after you shake that thing more than three times."
Busacca confused about the uproar caused by his urination said, "Hey, no big deal!" BROWNS' WORKOUT HARRIET FLUDENHAUSEN Cleveland, OH -- First year Cleveland Browns head coach Eric Mangini thinks he finally has his quarterback controversy solved. Yesterday, Mangini worked out journeywoman Harriet Fludenhausen with the idea that she'll be under center this weekend. Fludenhausen has labored in several minor league football leagues and was recently banned from the newly formed "Lingerie Bowl League," because as one coach asked, "Would you want to see her in lingerie?" But Mangini is confident Harriet still has some gas left in the tank. "Look, how much worse can she be than Brady Quinn and Derek Anderson?" asked Mangenius. "Maybe her footwork and 5 step drop ain't what they used to be," he continued, "but she's younger than Brett Favre and wow, you should taste her meatloaf!" Fludenhausen will receive a one year guarantee for the NFL minimum which agent Drew Rosenhaus said, "No comment." He did however say, "Fludenhausen, Rosenhaus, I wonder if she's my mother...I was left in the hospital when I was three days old because even back then people thought I was an asshole." Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis said that he would not take back Brady Quinn but "Hey, I like this Fludenhausen chick!"
Harriet snapping a few quick outs to Browns' receiver Braylon Edwards. 87 PEOPLE KILLED IN WORLD STONE SKIMMING CHAMPIONSHIP Easdale Island, Scotland -- Hundreds of people were injured and 87 people were accidentally killed during yesterday's World Stone Skimming Championship off the coast of Scotland. Hundreds of thousands of people descended on the tiny island all with one objective, to be this year's Skimming Champion. The competition involves skimming a smooth stone over a flooded quarry. The person who can with the highest amounts of skims wins the championship. The game appeared to be going very well according to organizer and chairperson, Ian MacPharson. "Fer gadnuss sok, we haad a weee bet too meny stones and a weee bet too meny campeatetooors," is whats we think he said. Translated it roughly means, "Shit, there were too many f***ing people trying to throw stones at the same f***ing time and it got totally out of control and people started skimming these f***ing stones every which way and we had a f***ing mess on our hands," said Scottish translator Fergus MacFarland. Chaos descended on the games when some Middle Eastern contestants thought it was just another stoning. "Christ, you know how those Middle Easterners get with a few stones in their pockets," said MacFarland. "We just started stoning people for all kinds of shit and the next thing you knew we had 87 dead people to clean up and let me tell you, we needed a lot of rags to wipe up all the goddamn blood," he explained. After all was said and done, little 102-year-old Ann Forteith was declared the winner skimming a stone off of her husband's head and having it travel a total of ten skims. "It's the first f***ing time I've won something in a 102-years, I feel f***ing great," she declared.
Moments before all hell broke loose on Easdale Island. "Christ, it looked a Wal Mart after Katrina in New Orleans," said one spectator. LAMAR ODOM, "I MADE HUGE MISTAKE!" Los Angeles, CA -- Los Angeles Lakers forward Lamar Odom publically admitted on the eve of his wedding to Khloe Kardashian, "Wait a second, I think I've got the wrong girl!" Odom, who is scheduled to marry Kardashian today, was emphatic that, "I can't see shit without my glasses on and believe me if I had my glasses on, do you think I'd be marrying Khloe?...I want Kim!" Millions of fans agreed and Odom has been beseiged with emails and letters asking things like, "What the f*** are you thinking?" and "Are you f***ing blind or something?" Fortunately for Odom the whole thing might have an escape hatch. The wedding will take place and Khloe's reality show will pick up the tab. So it's really just a fake wedding for a reality show which means the reality show isn't a reality show but a vehicle for Khloe Kardashian to chronicle her fake life. Odom did agree to go through with the wedding, "cause I want to get some of that honeymoon poontang and she better have a reality orgasm and no fake one." "And after I'm done, I'm leaving and she better not get pregnant cause they be some ugly kids," he added.
Sorry Lamar! Reggie's got Kim and it looks like you've got the ugly, dysfunctional one. DERRICK ROSE ADMITS TO TAKING ST'S Chicago, IL -- Current Chicago Bulls and former University of Memphis point guard Derrick Rose finally came clean about his role in John Calipari's faulty admissions procedures while Calipari coached from 2003 through 2009. The University has been investigated by the NCAA for doctoring SAT (Scholastic Aptitude Test) scores in order for athletes to attend the school who might possibly deemed "academically ineligible." Rose admitted that he never took the SAT's but did however take ST's (Some Tests) and the TOS (Test of Something) as well as tests for whooping cough, diptheria, and syphilis. In addition Rose has been checked for rickets, scurvy, H1N1, H12N12, and his prostate appears fine. The NCAA said that they do not recognize the ST or the TOS as official admissions tools. Compliance director C. Verbal Comprehension said, "It really depend on the TOS," explained one NCAA official. A Test of Something could really be a test of anything (TOA) and that could really get confusing because in the final analysis no one is really sure what your testing." Rose said he specifically remembered Calipari during recruitment giving him a test for the Civil Defense Emergency. "He put the television on and then this loud sound came on for about a minute and then that was the end of the test," Rose said of Calipari. "After the sound went away a voice came on and said, 'This was test of the National Emergency Broadcasting System...if this was an actual emergency you would have been given further instructions on what to do and where to go'...and that was it, I was in Memphis," Rose further explained about the Memphis application process. "Derrick Rose makes $10 million dollars a year playing basketball so I don't think he gives a f*** about SAT's, do you?" asked a defiant Calipari. "Why don't you assholes leave corrupt recruiting and wife cheating up to me and Pitino?" he asked with conviction.
IF you can read this, you may qualify for a full basketball scholarship to the University of Kentucky. MILTON BRADLEY SENT HOME BY CUBS Chicago, IL -- Chicago Cubs outfielder was told by management to "go home and don't come back without a note from your mother." It marked the first time this season that a player was sent home but commissioner Bud Selig said that sending players home is an excellent form of discipline. "When you send a player home, it sends a message to the player and his parents that poor behavior will not be tolerated," explained Selig. Bradley, with a reputation as a locker room cancer, had recently made disparaging comments about the Cubs saying things, like "they suck worse than the '64 Mets" and "Chicago has more corrupt politicians than India has Hindus." "Yeah, that Hindu comment really hurt," said former Illinois governor and Chicago resident Rod Blogodovenicdavinci. Mrs. Bradley, Milton's mother said that she is "sick and tired of how they treat my poor Milton." "First, they give him $30 million over three years and then they expect him to bat over .220 which is just plain unreasonable...I'm thinking about pulling out of the Cubs and enrolling him in a lesser market like Kansas City where .214 gets you a clean-up spot," she ranted. Manager Lou Pinella said that Bradley could return to the Cubs if he wrote "I must stop being a cancer" 500x's on the locker room chalkboard and stayed after games to clap the erasers.
A great Milton Bradley board game...primadonna? Triple word score? That spells a whopping 92 points! TOMMY LASORDA PORTRAIT HUNG IN NATIONAL GALLERY Washington, DC -- After capping off an amazing managerial career with the Los Angeles Dodgers, Tommy Lasorda learned yesterday that his portrait will hand in the National Gallery in Washington, DC. Lasorda, an American legend, piloted the Dodgers for some 19 years, winning several World Championships, but it was him memorable 2007 scandal that he's most remembered. In the confessional autobiography "Confessions of a Hollywood Supermadam," Jody Babydol Gibson outed Lasorda underground sexual proclivities. In her book, which is a must-read for baseball and non-baseball fans, Gibson, known as Sasha, tells of Lasorda unusual sexual tastes and requests from a variety of hookers and porn stars during his managerial days including getting turned on by watching lesbian love scenes. Though Lasorda vehemently denies the accusations, it's just a terrific book for the beach or just as page turning toilet reading. "It is only fitting that Lasorda is 'hung' in the National Gallery," said Sasha, "because Tommy's Lasorda is a national treasure." Gallery director Lyn Lovelace said, "Wow, that's a lot of man there and to have him hanging next to Thomas Jefferson is very fitting...two complete toads representing the best of this country."
Lasorda often loved to talk about whatever might pop up. 49ers ACCUSE JETS OF TAMPERING San Francisco, CA -- The San Francisco 49ers have filed a grievance with the NFL front office accusing the New York Jets of tampering with their Crabtree. Crabtree, the unsigned prima donna who's looking for just too much goddamn money for a rookie, was allegedly tampered with some time yesterday. No one knows about the extent of the tampering but the rumor is that Jets' coach Rex Ryan met Crabtree in a swank Frisco hotel where the tampering took place. Crabtree would neither confirm or deny that he'd been tampered with. "It's not the kind of thing you want to admit to in public," said the former Texas Tech receiver. Crabtree said he was worried about "all of his young fans would think." "I don't want kids to think that tampering a cool thing," he added. "I haven't tampered with 49er property though I wouldn't mind tampering with Mrs. Joe Montana, if you know what I mean," said Ryan, "and believe me that tampering would be worth my job." Ryan defended himself saying, "I wouldn't go messing around a Crabtree, the name itself is a turn-off but like I said, ohhhhh that Mrs. Montana is something else." Tampering is a long-standing NFL issue and many coaches over the years have stood accused of the infraction. Former coach Bill Parcells once stood accused of tampering with the entire line of Dallas Cowboys' cheerleaders and gladly admitted, "That is some mighty fine tampering." Former Eagles coach Marion Campbell, who was never accused of tampering, once said, "Yeah, my name's Marion and it's been a cross to bear...like what were my parents thinking?"
Montana was adamant that Rex Ryan would not be allowed to tamper with his wife without at least giving up a second round pick. DUKE FOOTBALL TEAM SLUMPS TO PROSTITUTION Durham, NC -- Just when you think the economy can't get any worse, something horrifically new appears to remind us that we're in the worst recession since Richard Nixon declared, "I'm no crook!" At Duke University, the football team has been forced to raise their own funds or face extinction. "Let's face it," said one athletic department spokesperson, "who gives a flying f*** about Duke football?...and besides football season is just foreplay to us for the Mike Krajanasewkski orgasmic main course." But the dedicated football players of Duke were not to be denied their childhood dreams of playing major college football. For the past few months the team has embarked on some unusual fundraising tactics, not the least being male prostitution. Defensive stopper Hank Gasket explained, "We could have had a bake sale or offered ourselves to a wealthy male-only clientele...guess which one we make money on?" The effort has been an overwhelming success to the point where most of the team is now involved in committed relationships. "Not only are we making money for the team, we're making families," added Gasket. Former Durham prosecutor Mike Nifong said, "I'll be for sure there's some gang-banging going on and this time I want to be part of it." He added, "Male prostitution is a victimless crime and a great fundraising tool," he added. "You can love Duke football or you can love Duke football, either way it spells F-U-N!" said Congressman Larry Craig.
After using funds for lots of massage oil, there was still money left over for a Bette Midler concert. VIRGIN MARY APPEARS TO THREE CHEERLEADERS Dallas, TX -- The Blessed Virgin Mary appeared in a vision to three Texas cheerleaders and the cheerleaders say this wasn't the first time. The Virgin Mary has appeared to girls for years, first at Lourdes, then at Fatima, and a bunch of other times that really haven't got the same press as the original two. But this vision is very significant because this time, Mary's message carried a fairly significant warning to humanity. According to the three girls, who wish to remain anonymous because everyone thinks they're totally crazy telling everyone that they are having visions of the Virgin Mary, Mary has a warning to all cheerleaders. "She told us that cheerleading has strayed too far from it's original purpose which was to stir up the crowd at football games," explained the cheerleaders. "Mary warned us if we don't stop all these tumbles and flips, a lot of people are going to really get hurt," they continued. According to Vatican expert Father Antonio Peppi, "Mary is right and just what is the point of all this flipping, flopping, and pyramid jumping shit...let's just get back to a few cheers and get the hell out of town." Peppi asked the obvious question of "what do we really want from our cheerleaders?" "No one wants this new acrobatic stunt cheerleading...let just get back to girls in skimpy outfits shaking their groove thang!" he insisted.
Peppi concluded, "On second thought, let's keep at least a little of the acrobatic touch." MAN THROWS THOUSANDS OF GOLF BALLS AS TRIBUTE LaQuinta, CA -- A man threw over three thousand golf balls into the Joshua Tree National Park claiming that his ritual was honoring dead golfers. Douglas "Bobby" Jones faces a list of charges including littering and tampering with dead golfers and may get jail time as well as some sizable fines and probably will not be allowed to tamper with corpses. County sheriff Nate Battersby said, "We can tolerate this sort of thing...shit it takes six hours for a round of golf as it is and if we start letting the dead play, Christ we'll be out there for an eternity." Jones also left cans of fruits and vegetables in the park because, "Golfers need something to eat after the ninth hole at the turn." One side effect is that park animals have mistaken the balls for eggs and are quite pissed because none are hatching. Thousands of wild animals are just sitting on thousands of golf balls waiting for something to happen. Park Ranger Ted Boover said, "You sit on a golf ball for twenty two days and don't get nothing to hatch, you're not a happy animal." Dead golfer Ben Hogan had no comment nor did dead golfer Sam Snead. Death expert Darth Bader remarked, "Though dead people don't speak, we are pretty confident that they would appreciate free golf balls...isn't is heavenly when you hit a ball in the woods and then you find like five balls while looking for your own...wow that's a great f***ing feeling."
Dead golfer Scraggs Wiley lines up a putt. "I don't stand up like I used to," said Scraggs. POLICE INVESTIGATE MISSING DAUGHTER WHO GAVE UP FOUL BALL Philadelphia, PA -- The Philadelphia Police Department announced today that they are in the middle of a full department search looking for the three-year old girl who became an overnight star after tossing a foul ball caught by her father, back onto the field. It all began when Steve Monforto, a lifelong Phillies fan, caught a Jayson Werth foul ball in the bottom of the fifth. Monforto is one of those guys who actually takes a glove to every game hoping to catch an errant ball. After the excitement of finally catching the ball, Monforto handed the prize to his little daughter Emily. Emily immediately did what any three-year old would do, she tossed it back on the field. Later that evening, little Emily was reported missing. "Certainly, her father is a person of interest," said Police Commissioner Charles Ramsey. "I know if it was my kid, he or she wouldn't be still walking," added Ramsey. Neighbors of Monforto say that the father-daughter combo arrived home after the game and all appeared to be forgiven. But early in the morning, Emily's mother reported her missing. Monforto has an alibi, saying, "I came home and downed an entire bottle of Jack Daniels and passed out, I was so distressed." "Certainly, I planned on punishing Emily for such a stupid ass move, so I want to find her and send her to her room forever," added Monforto. Police theorize that the girl may be lost in Citizens Bank Park. Ramsey said, "Look the whole world saw the video of this kid killing her father's lifelong ambition...she's probably somewhere in the park trying to find the ball." Police will continue the search today in and around the left field area.
If you see little Emily anywhere, please call the Philadelphia Police or hand her a baseball for her depressed father. KANYE WEST STEAL MICROPHONE ON MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL Foxboro, MA -- Rapper Kanye West struck again stealing another microphone on Monday Night Football during the telecast of the Buffalo Bills and the New England Patriots. West, clearly disturbed at ESPN's announcement that Jon Gruden is now one of the MNF announcers, went on a two-minute rant about how the job should have gone to long-time NFL coach Ray Rhodes. Rhodes, who at one time coached the Philadelphia Eagles, was surprised and flattered at West's passion for his speaking voice. As millions of surprised fans listened in shock, West shouted down the network decision of Gruden over Rhodes and managed to get a plug in for Beyonce's music video too. "Jon Gruden is a a-hole and the whole world knows it," shouted West, "and who wants to listen to that whiney f***ing loser who bolted on Al Davis for Tampa Bay... and Taylor Swift sucks too...but have you ever seen Ray Rhodes in a music video? That would sooooo baaaaddddd!" Rhodes, now a coach with the Texans said later that he never considered broadcasting because, "my team can't understand me half the time." But Rhodes added, "IF asked I would serve and I have to tell, Jon Gruden is an a-hole." Rhodes who has several music videos under his belt informed reporters that he has a new music video that is "so hot and could burn the tailfeathers off of Beyonce."
Texans' defensive coach Ray Rhodes making some spare change in his second job. TEENS SUE MINOR LEAGUE BASEBALL TEAM Newark, NJ -- Three teenagers are suing the minor league baseball franchise Newark Bears alleging that they were harassed and thrown out of the stadium for refusing to stand during the National Anthem. The teens claim in the brief filed by their attorneys that "they were irreversibly damaged by the treatment they received at the hands of stadium personnel and have not been able to sleep, eat, or engage in any type of weird but exciting sexual activity." The suit asked that the Newark team give the boys $90 million dollars for their pain and suffering. The Bears have offered the boys the entire franchise in exchange for "just getting the f*** out of our hair." Bears owner Vernon Flick said, "Wow, I'd never imagined I have a chance to dump this lame franchise...what was I thinking putting a minor league baseball team in Newark, New Jersey?" Actually Newark has really improved in the last several years. Shootings are down 10%, car theft down one-half of 1%, and they've got a new Wendy's with 24-hour window service. Flick later said, "Seriously, Newark is on the uptick and now is the time to own a minor league baseball team like the Bears...really, you have to believe me, please, someone take this f***ing team off my hands."
There's a fire sale going on right now in Newark! PANTHERS' SMITH OUT OF CONTROL AFTER LOSS Charlotte, NC -- Carolina Panthers wide receiver Steve Smith had a severe mental breakdown after yesterday's shellacking at the hands of the Philadelphia Eagles. Smith has grown increasingly frustrated over his lack of productivity due to the fact that Panthers' quarterback Jake Delhomme can't throw, scramble, or complete a handoff. Throughout camp, Smith expressed his dissatisfaction and lobbied for the team to sign Brett Favre. "He's a Delhommoe and I'd rather have someone with no legs or arms quarterback than him," screamed Smith, as he dumped a cooler of Gatorade over the head of a nun. Coach Jon Fox could not console Smith after he was shutdown for one crappy seven yard catch. Smith immediately began throwing things including a surprised 8-year-old autograph seeker. Little Timmy Fetchbaum approached Smith after the game and Smith grabbed him by the ankles, spun around five times and then let Fetchbaum go, landing the boy 50 yards downfield. Fox commented, "Wow, what a great toss...maybe we oughta let Steve quarterback a bit." It was the only Carolina throw of yesterday that wasn't intercepted. Young Fetchbaum stood up, dusted off his trousers, and then entered a restroom to change his underwear.  Fetchbaum, moments before being released by Smith. STUDY REVEALS MASCOT BEHAVIOR OUT OF CONTROL New York, NY -- A new study released yesterday documents the blatant, highly charged, sexual behavior now commonplace among team mascots. Researchers at the Herkeimer J. Herkoff Institute for Advanced Study release a report with lots of pictures showing mascots, "getting it on!" "It's like they put on these crazy costumes and that somehow legitimizes the whole thing," said Dr. Harry Bever. Bever said the behavior is so prevalent that mascot sex is more regularly than anything I could dream for myself." "It's getting to the point where we can't take our kids to a game," commented former President and cultural critic Williams Jefferson Clinton. "It just darn right embarrassing," said the former chief executive, "and I don't embarrass easily." The report goes on to say that many young people dream of being a mascot and believe it will be an experience of a lifetime. "They are often young, naive, and full of optimism but that soon changes when they get a taste of the seedy underbelly of mascoting," added Bever. One mascot, who wished to remain anonymous said, "I just wanted dress up like a furry creature but oh, the horror of it all...I became just a toy of the whole mascot world...I'm devastated!"
Just what do you tell the children when they ask, "Daddy, Mommy, what are they doing?" DA TO MERRIMAN: "NEXT TIME GET IT RIGHT!" San Diego, CA -- The San Diego District Attorney threw out criminal charges against Chargers superstar Shawne Merriman involving his alleged choking of TV personality Tia Tequila. District Attorney Alexander Dumas told reporters there was not enough evidence of a crime committed but said to Merriman, "Why don't you go home and get it right!" Dumas said he would consider Merriman's choking of Tequila as a "heroic act and worthy of public commendation." Millions of Americans rallied around Merriman yesterday and urged him to choke Tequila with a more effective follow-up choking. "Truthfully, she sucked in 'Suriviving Nugent'," added Dumas, "and if I had the chance I'd lock up everyone at VH1 for the whole Ted Nugent concept." Several rejects from the MTV show "A Shot of Love of Love with Tila Tequila" promised revenge if Merriman didn't seal the deal. Former football star O.J. Simpson said, "I haven't had the chance to choke her but hey if you want me to stab her a few dozen times I'm available." Dumas did concede that the Tequila vehicle "Pants Off Dance Off" where contestants strip to music videos for prize money was "one of the greatest television ideas of my lifetime and please let me know if it ever gets released to DVD."
Can someone please explain the tattoo thing? CHILD LEFT BEHIND TO SAIL AROUND THE WORLD Key West, FL -- 13-year-old Laura Dekker is sailing around the world thanks to former President George Bush. Dekker, who is attempting to be the first teen female to sail completely around the globe, sadly dropped out of school last year because of poor performance. New rules in schools forbid children on the borderline to be passed on to the next grade unless they pass a qualifying exam. Dekker took the exam fourty-six times but failed and was consequently dropped from her school's rolls. Now she has a lot of time on her hands and plans to sail west 360 degrees. "She's a victim of 'No Child Left Behind' and now she's left behind," said her principal Loni Anderson. "She just a dumb blonde and I can't imagine her finding her way around the world," she added. George Bush beamed and took credit for the Dekker's attempt saying, "Sailing around the world is a good thing, and having young kids sail around the world is even better...keeps them off the streets, keeps them in the water, and water's wet and that's a good thing and even though little Laura a Dutch person, that's a good thing too cause the Dutch make real good hot chocolate and that's a good thing..." Dekker's parents have responded to criticism that she is too young to sail around the world by herself by saying, "We gave her the choice, six weeks in summer camp or six week sailing around the world and let me tell you, sailing around the world is a lot cheaper than some of these summer camps." Dekker is optimistic that she'll be able to handle the pressure of the sail. She assuredly added, "I've got my cell phone with me and really if I can just texted my bf, I'll be perfectly cool."
Wonder what happens to those poor kids left behind? WORLD'S GREATEST FEMALE ATHLETE NAMED Buenos Aires, Argentina -- The world's greatest female athlete was named yesterday after a vote was taken by a panel of expert sports and non-sports people. Angelina Bucaros Stavravos was the unanimous winner running away from a competitive field of ten million nominees. Panel chairperson Bob Barker explained that Stavravos was the clear winner though she has never played a sport in her life, nor did she even apply for the honor. "We just gave it to her, it's as simple as that," said Barker. Barker the 90 plus former host of the "Price is Right," added, "Isn't she a dandy?" Stavravos posed for cameras after the award was announced and that seemed to be enough to convince everyone that she was the logical choice. "She has my vote," said one judge, "and wow what an athlete." Another judge exclaimed, "I second that emotion, and I raise you two pants." A third judge said, "Oh hell, why didn't we even meet to begin with, you could have just sent me her picture and I could have voted from the privacy of my bathroom." Angelina said she had no plans for the future. In broken English she gracefully accepted the award saying, "I know no sports, but who needs them?"  Yes, she is the greatest athlete ever! PETE ROSE FINALLY ALLOWED TO ENTER HALL OF FAME Cooperstown, NY -- After an agonizing twenty year wait, MLB commissioner Bud Selig finally announced that he would allow Pete Rose to enter the Hall of Fame in Cooperstown. Selig said, "I didn't have to think long and hard that because I'm not capable of thinking long and hard...I just woke up this morning and said to myself, sure, let Pete Rose into the Hall of Fame." Rose immediately rushed off to Cooperstown to enter the Hall. Tickets are $20 for adults and $15 for kids and seniors. Rose tried to save the $5 for the senior discount but had no photo ID to substantiate his qualification as a senior. "I was kind of bummed about that," said Rose later, "and it sort of pissed me off because at Wal-Mart they always take my word for it." The Hall has a terrific coupon on Tuesdays that entitles the bearer to admission and a free soft serve ice cream cone at Pantz Creamery on Main Street. Just be sure that you get there before noon because it gets really crowded and they usually run out of vanilla and they almost never have rainbow sprinkles but it's still a good deal cause you get to walk around the Hall for a bit but you get pretty bored and then you really want to go down and get a ice cream cone. Rose unceremoniously entered through the front door and walked around for about a half an hour and then exited. "Truthfully, it's kind of boring...a lot of statues of old guys and too many black and white photos." He quickly exited, went to a strip club, had some beers, a lap dance, autographed a bat for a dancer's 8-year old son, then bet on a Reds game. "All in all it was a pretty good day but no different than any other," said Rose, "so I'm not sure what all the hype was about."
Rose paid for his ticket and entered the Hall just like the rest of us schmucks. KENTUCKY COACH BAPTIZES ENTIRE TEAM; OPPONENTS WATCH OUT! Louisville, KY -- When the entire Breckinridge High School football team pulled up to the Purple Pussycat Gentlemen's Club, little did they know they were in for the religious experience of a lifetime. But Coach Scott Mooney knew exactly what he was doing. Mooney took the team to the Gentlemen's Club, had them disrobe and enter a large hot tub, and then baptized the entire team with the help of a local preacher. "What better way to get disciples than at a Gentlemen's Club," said Mooney. "It's a win-win situation for the young men," added Mooney, "they get a healthy adult experience while been born again." Some parents are up in arms that Mooney has thrusted his religion on the players but most players interviewed said God is present inside a Gentlemen's Club. Sophomore Randy Peabody commented, "Seeing all those naked women in the hot tub gave me a deeper appreciation for the handiwork of our Creator and darn it, I'm glad I came out for football." Mooney thought was that a field trip would "bring the team together and what better way to have boys bond than at a strip joint?" "Let's face it, sex and religion go together like, well, like pancakes and maple syrup," he said using a bad simile. Civil liberties experts are debating whether or not the players' individual liberties were violated. ACLU lawyer Robert Huggins commented, "I think if your rights are going to be violated, we can all agree that it's not such a big deal in a hot tub of naked women."
An artist depiction of one Breckinridge player moments before the baptism. PATRIOTS SIGN THEN CUT PRO BOWLER Foxboro, MA -- The New England Patriots tried to sure up their thin depth at quarterback by signing a pro bowler but then turned around and cut Zeke Lubinowski just moments after obtaining him "Someone screwed up," said one unnamed Patriots spokesperson, "signing a Pro Bowler rather than a pro bowler." Lubinowski has been laboring on the PBA (Professional Bowlers Association) Tour for the last several years and was flattered to get a call from Patriots coach Bill Belichick. "I mean I was happy finishing in the money in the Milwaukee String Cheese tourney but hey to get a call to quarterback the Patriots is really special," said Lubinowski, who has no previous football experience. "He's not a pro bowler, he's a Pro Bowler," said an angry Belichick. Moments after Lubinowski showed up that the Patriots practice facilty asking for a beer and bratwurst, the coaching staff realized a mistake had been made. "We like Zeke a lot," said one coach, "but he's one of those big, fat, lazy slob who bowls and truthfully lacks the footwork to play quarterback in the National Football League." Lubinowski disagreed. "Look football and bowling are very similar...there's a lot of big, fat guys waiting around for something to happen," he explained. "I bring a lot to the table...it's just unfortunate that I eat mostly everything on the table," he continued. The Patriots apologized to Lubinowski and sent him packing with a case of Schlitz and carton of Lucky Strikes for his troubles. "I'm sure Zeke will latch on somewhere, possibly an alley in Cleveland but we're the New England Patriots and we've got to get back to cheating our asses off to the Super Bowl," said a philosophical Belichick. Before leaving, Lubinowski asked Pats quarterback Tom Brady if he "could get a glossy picture of Gisele?" Brady obliged and Lubinowski departed satisfied.
Lubinowski was back tossing strikes after his ten minutes as Tom Brady's backup. NO ADMISSION FOR FAT ASSES IN 2012 OLYMPICS London, England -- The Olympic planning committee for the 2012 games in London announced yesterday that if you have a large ass "you are not welcomed." "We had to make a choice between a stadium with 40,000 'big ass' seats or 80,000 'tiny heiney' seats and we've opted for the latter," said Lord Overly Kalorie. "Let's face it, if there's fire in the stadium and we've got 40,000 fat asses in the seats, 40,000 people are going to die so it's just a safety decision," he added. The British government has contracted with exercise guru Richard Simmons to offer free calorie burning classes to anyone who wants a ticket to the games. "Simmons will take a large contingent of fat asses and coax them with that f***ing annoying voice and most likely no one will lose a f***ing pound," said Kalorie, "but we'll get a good video out it." Former British model turned 312 pound fat ass, Twiggy, commented, "I'm just jamming these first two fingers down my throat after every meal and hopefully, I'll be in shape by 2012." Simmons commented, "I'm not much for the Olympics but there are two things I really love and they are fat asses and sweaty male athletes and we should have plenty of both before you can scream, 'listen people!.'"
Simmons has just released a video just for fat assed, cross-eyed dogs. WOODS' CADDY MISSING IN SWAMP Norton, MA -- Steve Williams, the caddy for Tiger Woods, is missing after going into a swamp to find the club that Woods discarded in a flash of temper at the Deutsche Bank Championship. Woods, playing just one of those really crappy rounds, blew up after missing four consecutive birdie attempts. After pushing a drive into swamp area, Woods went on a tirade of four letter words sending all the young children present, back to school before Labor Day. After a string of expletives, Woods slammed his driver down and the club bounced on a high angle into a nearby swamp. As Woods walked away in anger, he told Williams to go into the swamp, "and get my f***ing driver." Williams, perhaps the highest paid caddy in golf history, said, "Hey Deutsche Bag, you threw the f***ing club, you go in there and get it." But Woods reminded Williams that he was making over six figures per year carrying a golf bag so Williams obliged and enter the swamp. He never returned, no he never returned and his name will still live on, he may ride forever through the streets of Boston he's the man who never returned. Police rescue teams searched the swamp for several minutes but gave up because as one policeman said, "I don't want to get all of that yucky swamp shit on my shoes." Police theorize that Williams either drowned, was eaten by an alligator, or "just ducked in there with Tiger's wife." Police called off the search today saying, "He (Williams) was only a caddy and in these economic times there are plenty more where he came from." Woods played the rest of the round with just a putter, sucked, broke the putter in half, left the course with John Daly and was last seen gunning down some Jack Daniels with Daly and two Nashville hookers.
Several enthusiastic, redneck fans had a good old time searching the swamp for Williams but to no avail. BUCS FIRE OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR OVER HIS NAME Tampa Bay, FL -- Tampa Bay Buccaneers offensive coordinator Jeff Jagodzinski was fired yesterday by head coach Raheem Morris because in Morris' words, "I don't like the guy's name and after six months I still can't pronounce the friggin' thing." This is Jagodzinski's fourth coaching stop and at each town he's been let go because of his name. Several years ago, Packers coach Mike Sherman had similar issues pronouncing Jagodzinski and fired him in frustration. Sherman at the time said, "I've even had a speech therapist help me and I still can't say it." Later Boston College athletic director Gene DiFillippo let "Jags" go because, "it's just a bad sounding name and he ought to consider changing it to Smith or Jones or DiFillippo." Next Atlanta let him go because too many Southerners with bad accents couldn't handle Jagodzinski and it began to hurt ticket sales. Jagodzinski is devastated by the treatment he has received and told reporters that all of his life he has battled against name discrimination. "When I was in grade school and the teacher would call on me I would hide under the desk because kids would call me 'Yeegod' or 'Yago' or just 'Asshole,'" he explained through tears. This is not the first case of NFL name discrimination. In 1958 quarterback Zeachariahdounopoplous Haisouwousdenaloverbister was cut during a Cleveland Browns rookie camp because his name could not fit on his jersey. Again in 1964, Todd Loadinpantsstinkslikehell was let go by the legendary Chicago Bears coach George Halas because Halas believed that fans might make fun of the linebacker. Later Loadinpantsstinkslikehell shortened his name to Butkus and used his rage to terrorize an entire nation. Jagodzinski said he would either fight the unfair firing or change his name to Fvre or Farvvee or Favrrre.
Please, stop making fun of people with funny names even if you can't pronounce them...it hurts all of us and it's just plain wrong! REDSKINS' SNYDER ON THE WARPATH OVER TICKET SCANDAL Washington, D.C. -- Hundreds of thousands of Washington Redskins fans marched to the Capitol steps yesterday to protest the lack of availability of home game tickets. News of an internal ticket scandal surfaced on Monday when fans discovered that Redskins ticket personnel were selling all of the available tickets on the secondary market to on-line ticket companies. Thousands and thousands of tickets were sold to brokers who re-sold them often at exorbitant prices and high profit leaving Washington fans out in the cold. "Someone in the ticket office has been very naughty," said Redskins owner Daniel Snyder, "and don't you worry I'm going to find these people and they will be dealt with." Allegedly, Snyder combed through the office and found the scandal culprits and immediately got to work meting out justice. Witnesses say that Snyder, donned in native American dress and holding a tomahawk, scalped several employees "the good old fashion Injun way." Snyder later said smiling, "There won't be any more hanky panky in the ticket sales department because guess what? they're all dead!" Later a public outcry was heard from the Native American community. One tribal leader said it was insensitive of Snyder to scalp his employees because, "scalping is reserved for after big battles when we catch the Calvary guys and their women." Snyder promised there would be no more scalping of employees or tickets and he said, "I hope we can put this whole ugly chapter of American history behind us and just continue using the offensive 'Redskins' mascot."
Ad tycoon and fierce, battle tested warrior, and professional sports team owner Daniel Snyder. PAC MAN JONES IN WINNEPEG? Winnipeg, Manitoba -- Former NFL problem child Adam "Pac Man" Jones is said to be very close to inking a deal with the Winnipeg Blue Bombers of the Canadian Football League. Yesterday's negotiations between the team and Jones were going along smoothly until one of the Blue Bombers' staff members accidentally spilled a drink on Jones. With that Jones and some of his posse took exception to the "disrespect" and brandished several firearms wounding several members of the Winnipeg organization. Later, order was restored and Jones apologized saying, "I'm different now than I was in Tennessee and Dallas and I want to be a productive member of the Bombers." Just moments before the final details of the contract were discussed, Jones demanded to know where he could find a good strip club. Sadly, in Winnipeg, it's too cold for strippers. Jones was furious and then refused the team's two year offer. "NO strippers...what, are you f***ing kiddin'?" Jones asked. The Winnipeg Director of Commerce was called in and assured Jones that the city would do everything in it's power to accommodate Jones' desire for a strip club. Daisy Flowers of Local 587 of the National Canadian Striptease Union said that the union planned to protest the city's move. "It's tough enough being a stripper, and it's tough enough being a stripper in Canada, but to be a stripper in Manitoba...that's just plain wrong," said Daisy.
Daisy Flowers showing Pac Man Jones two good reasons to come to Canada. SEXED UP CADDIES NOW AVAILABLE Bristol, England -- A new service which provides sexy, nubile women to carry golf clubs has been a huge success this summer in Great Britain. "Eye Candy Caddies" has come up with the gimmick geared at crusty old farts who play golf. The company provides a scantily clad, firm breasted caddy for the price of a fairly sophisticated hooker. The female caddies do everything a fat, hairy legged guy can do and go one step further by washing your balls with real style. Golfer Felix Thadwanger said that he went into the woods to find a ball with his caddy and came out utterly exhausted and "guess what, I didn't give a shit about losing a $10 Titleist." Company founder Starry Knight explained, "Our caddies can tell the golfer about prevailing winds while in the same moment, expertly handle your putter." Caddy legend Beaver Floggart promised that traditional, fat, ugly male caddies would not take this new service "lying down." "This whole thing smells of rampant sexism," screamed the angered Floggart, "yet part of me is intrigued to the point where I'd love to take this new service lying down."
Caddies like this have the potential to really hold up play on the back nine. ROMO REACHES BREAKUP SETTLEMENT WITH SIMPSON Dallas, TX -- Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo and his lawyers reached a settlement with jilted lover Jessica Simpson today in a private hearing. Romo was ordered by the court "not to date or lead on any hot women for the next two years or at first sign of Simpson's luck finding another NFL quarterback." In addition, Romo must change the tires on Simpson's tractor for a period of one year. And lastly, the southern judge deciding the case said that Romo cannot engage in casual sex with anyone outside of his immediate family "just so he really gets the idea of what it's like being country folk." Romo was said to be furious but complied with the ruling and was present on the Simpson farm changing a tractor tire. "She's so fat, she needs a tractor to pull her," said the unhappy Romo. Later, speaking to a room full of adolescent boys, Romo cautioned, "Seriously, I know what you're thinking, hey, Tony you slept with Jessica Simpson... but seriously kids, gratuitous sex with Jessica is like your favorite cereal, after a couple of bowls you just want to throw up."
People say that Simpson has let herself go since the breakup. JETS DEMAND COMPENSATION FOR FAVRE New York, NY -- The New York Jets announced yesterday that they will seek some type of compensation from the Minnesota Vikings for the signing of former Jet Brett Favre. A Jets spokesperson explained, "Ok, so we were glad he left, and yes, like everyone else we were glad when he retired even though we knew that would last less than ten minutes, but hey, we want something even if it's just a few pairs of those 'Wrangler' comfortable jeans he wears." Vikings coach Brad Childress said the team is entertaining offering the Jets something "for their pain and suffering." Childress asked the Jets GM if "we took y'all on a booty cruise, would that make you happy?" Jets coach Rex Ryan replied, "Damn yeah, a booty cruise would be fine and man, those Vikings have some fun booty cruises but I want at least one player comparable to Brett Favre too." Vikings backup quarterback John David Booty asked, "You mean they've got a cruise named after me?" But after lots of arguing, the Vikings offered quarterback Fran Tarkenton to the Jets as well as the booty cruise. Tarkenton, who is 70 years old, said "If Brett Favre can still play football, I'll bet I can too, AND, I want to go on the booty cruise too!" At the end of the day the Vikings gave up Fran Tarkenton, Carl Eller, and Jim Marshall to the Jets as well as inviting the Jets to their annual booty cruise on Lake Minnetooba. Childress said, "We'll get 'em liquored up and have enough ho's and weed that they won't give a sheet about Brett Favre."
A couple of Jets executives enjoying the Brett Favre compensation. NINERS' SINGLETARY MAKES STARTLING CONFESSION San Francisco, CA -- San Francisco 49ers head coach Mike Singletary stunned the entire football world when he confessed about quarterback Shaun Hill, "What's beautiful about him is his heart...I want to go down with a guy like that." Immediately the entire sports world focused in on what exactly Singletary was saying. "I think the meaning is very clear," said NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, "we've got an intense sexual relationship going on between a coach and his quarterback." Broadway actor Harvey Firestein asked, "Is it too late for me to tryout for the 49ers?" American Idol Clay Aiken remarked, "Put me in coach, I'm ready to play." Relationship expert Dr. Phil McGraw commented, "There is a fine line between going down with someone or going down on someone but who cares about specifics, let's just bury these guys." Singletary, once known as one of the fiercest linebackers in NFL history, smiled, winked, and continued coaching his practice in just a thong and a feather boa. Hill, who struggled early in his career but has found a home in Frisco said, "It really helps my confidence when my coach expresses that type of carnal desire and gee, the irony that we are San Francisco's team is not wasted on me."
Will Singletary want to go down with his first and second round picks? Stay tune! SOUTH AFRICAN RUNNER GIVEN A GENDER TEST Capetown, South Africa -- After South African runner Caster Semenya blew the women's field away in last week's World Track Championships, the International Track and Field Federation has announced that they will investigate claims that Semenya is part-man/part-woman. Semenya father and paternal grandmother insists that she is a female but rumors abound that she may be intersex, meaning that she has genitals of both a male and female. The federation said they will devise some tests to see if Semenya should be allowed to compete as a women. Federation spokesperson Dr. Lott Torsterone said, "Wow, this is going to be a fun exam...I can check for breast and testicle lumps at the same time." Torsterone added, "Think about it, wearing a bra and a jockstrap at the same time, kind of kinky, eh?" Semenya insists she should be allowed to compete against other women because, "I just love Hannah Montana so doesn't that make me like wow, like a cool chick?" Yesterday Semenya was put through a battery of tests that are designed to see just how many male characteristics she may possess. Doctors asked her if she had a tendency to sit in front of the television all weekend watching ESPN Classic while drinking beer and searching for porn sites on a laptop. Other gender clarifying questions centered around lying about how much she bench presses and the size of her penis.
This poor gal was completely shut out of the Mr. Universe contest because of some gender uncertainty. CONGRESS DECLARES "NO FAVRE" HOLIDAY Washington, DC -- The total U.S. Congress met today and passed legislation declaring that October 12 will be "NO FAVRE DAY." For several weeks there has been a movement gathering momentum to have a national day with no mention of Brett Favre. "It's a long time coming," said Senator Arlen Spector of Pennsylvania. "Brett Favre has dominated the national conversation for entirely too f***ing long," said Spector. "It's high time we all had a national holiday without Brett Favre," added Spector. Millions of people danced in the streets after the holiday resolution was passed. People tried but could not imagine a day when no one in America will utter the name, "Brett Favre." "Yes, it will be difficult to get through a whole day without mentioning Brett Favre but I think the national will is there to entirely keep Brett from any conversations," said Representative Barney Frank (D-Mass), "and as a gay representative, I ask all Americans to play nothing but the Village People in their homes." Favre said that he would spend the holiday contemplating retirement and immediately announced that "I think I've had it with pro football but hey wait a minute, no, I'm never ever going to retire but you guys can take the day off on October 12 and I'll wait until October 13 to tell you that I plan to play until I'm in diapers." So fire up the barbecue, and get ready to celebrate, "No Favre!"
How about some desolute nothingness on "No Favre Day?" Warning to Athletes: Kate Hudson is on the Prowl Santa Fe, NM - Rapidly and unfortunately aging actress Kate Hudson has been spotted at several major and a few minor sporting event recently, ranging from NASCAR to NFL training camps. "Clearly she's looking for a famous boyfriend or husband," said Marty Brochure of Hilldale, TN. "I mean I don't know her or nothing, but why else would she be hanging around." Brochure pointed out that she "...ain't as pretty as she used to be," though he did not account for spotting her without makeup. when asked about his credentials to be making such statements about Ms. Hudson, brochure responded, "I got 2 eyes and a dick, don't I?"
Golfer's Unfortunate Shot Sandy Beach, CA - Terry Gladstone hit a remarkable shot on Sunday's final round of the Sandy Beach Invitational. Not a long shot or even a straight one, but remarkable by it's placement. It landed squarely in golfer Ted Greenman's mouth. "I never saw it coming," said a dazed Greenman. "I heard 'Fore!' and turned around to look. There it was. I stared saying 'wow' and realize I should probably have just ducked." Greenman was not injured by the ball, but PGA rules insisted that Gladstone play the shot where it landed or suffer a one stroke penalty. On Gladstone's next stroke, Greenman lost his nose. Greenman admitted it hurt, but as a fellow PGA pro, he understood and insisted that Gladstone play through. His nose has been reattached by the same doctor that worked on John Wayne Bobbitt's penis. Gladstone visited Greenman in the hospital, calling him a true gentleman. Adding, " he smells funny cause he ain't got no nose..."
Dolphins Desperate for Help at Wide Receiver Miami, FL - Dolphins head coach Tony Sparano (not Soprano as Jockweb previously reported) announced the signing of both Mark Anthony And Jennifer Lopez to 1 year contracts on Thursday. "We need some depth at our receiver positions," coach Sparano told the media. "While we're not as hopeful about Anthony, we have high hopes about Ms. Lopez." Sparano went on to explain that her moves along with distracting ass will leave her open on most plays, despite a lack of breakaway speed. "Have you seen that ass? D-backs will be in awe..." said Sparano. When pushed on the signing of Anthony, Sparano admitted it was a package deal.
NCAA COMPLIANCE RULEBOOK HITS BOOKSTORES Indianapolis, IN -- The NCAA decided this year to release their annual book of rules in bookstores across the country as a work of fiction. The massive 1482 page tome weighs over 22 pounds and contains over 37,463 new rules to insure that colleges don't engage in corrupt recruiting or program practices. For years no one has read or abided by any regulations so the NCAA decided to make some money on the publication by selling it in the literature and novel section of major book chains. One anonymous NCAA spokesperson said, "It's one of the most fascinating books that no one has ever read...sort of like the 'Rise and Fall of the Roman Empire.'" However, college coaches throughout the country have sworn on their mothers' graves that they have indeed digested the book from cover to cover, though everyone is sure that they are full of shit. Florida State coach Bobby Bowden said, "Ok, so I can't read, but I got on CD and played it in my car." Bowden asked, "Do you realize that you cannot coach on the sidelines wearing adult diapers?...Wow, I guess I'm breaking the rules." Other coaches expressed great surprise that a book of rules even existed. South Carolina coach Steve Spurrier asked, "I never heard of the NCAA book but I just finished 'Love Story' and let me tell you, I cried my f***ing eyes out." On-line book purveyor Amazon listed the book at 90,874,326 in popularity. "We just need to promote it a little better like maybe through booster clubs," said Amazon spokesperson Basil Thyme.
BRETT FAVRE RETURNS AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND... Minneapolis, Minnesota -- Defying all odds and reneging on all promises to stay the f*** retired, Brett Favre is coming back again. Yesterday the Minnesota Vikings surprised no one by signing Favre to a one-year deal because as Favre puts it, "I can't spend another moment with my old lady!" Favre convinced reporters that he still has enough life in his battery to propel the Vikings to the Super Bowl or at the very least, work to get Tavarius Jackson hooked on crack so he'll leave Minnesota for good. Minnesota head coach Brad Childress remarked, "Gee, doesn't Brett have great hair, I wish I had great hair, no I think I would take two hairs." But quickly Childress unveiled their plans for Favre and explained the Favre would add depth to their depleted mascot pool. "We think Brett could really help the franchise by dressing up as Viktor the Viking." Viktor the Viking is the demanding cartoon face of the team and Favre said, "Though I'm pushing 40, I still have the speed and agility to do the Viktor thing." Immediately Favre was fitted for the uniform and was already walking the sidelines practicing small comic bits designed to get fans to forget they are sitting through a 17-minute TV timeout. "It's crucial in the NFL to have a mascot that can deaden the pain of watching an NFL game live," said Childress. "With over 6 hours of play stoppage, a good mascot can make fans forget that the $250 that they plopped down on a ticket could have been used for a sweet hooker," added Childress.
AL DAVIS SUCKER PUNCHES JA'MARCUS RUSSELL Oakland, CA -- For the second consecutive day the Oakland Raiders have had to deal with a fight at their practice facility. First, coach Tom Cable punched out his defensive coordination Randy Hanson "for just being a douche bag" and yesterday owner Al Davis suckered quarterback Ja'Marcus Russell "for just being an overpriced douche bag." The 80-year-old Davis proved he still had some pepper in his punch as the hunched over octogenarian dropped the 6-6, 270 pound Russell. Observers close to the situation said that Davis, in a possibly dementia induced state, may have confused Russell with former coach John Madden. Davis, long bitter towards Madden, has held a grudge against the popular television analyst for years. For years when Madden was under Davis' employ, Davis complained that Madden would raid the team's coveted snack closet. Several times during Madden's tenure with the team, Davis punched him out for "pigging out on Oreos and leaving crumbs all over my (Davis') office." But yesterday's punch was a wakeup call for Russell. "$65 million he pays me and the guy was bitching cause I helped myself to some chips and salsa that were on his desk." Coach Tom Cable stepped in as peacemaker reassuring Davis that he would purchase extra salsa and bean dip for the rest of the pre-season. Davis unaffected by the gesture could only mumble, "Are we playing any games in LA this year?"
WARREN MOON ACCEPTS BLAME FOR EVERYTHING Canton, OH -- Former NFL quarterback great Warren Moon yesterday apologized for everything. Moon, who cut his football teeth in the Canadian Football League before starring for 14 NFL seasons, said, "Look, I feel bad about everything." "The Lindbergh baby, OJ's wife, the 9/11 attacks, and the current economic downturn are just several things I want to apologize for from the bottom of my heart," said a tearful Moon. Confused fans asked why Moon had decided to apologize for everything instead of just a few things. Moon said he just feels that someone needed to step up and take responsibility for everything and "just saying your sorry about a few things seems not to cut it so I'm going for like a really huge historical apology." Moon then proceeded to apologize for Greenland saying, "It's just too f***ing big and cold with a lot of stray moose." NFL commissioner Roger Goodell seized the moment praising Moon's character saying, "It takes a big man to apologize for everything but that's the kind of guy he is and that's the type of person the NFL breeds." Moon said that he was sorry for the Hindenburg and that "I should have stop Hitler before Czechoslovakia in 1939." "All in all we owe a large debt of gratitude to Warren Moon for apologizing for everything, we're officially off the hook," said former President Bill Clinton. "And," he added, "I'm glad he finally owned up to having sex with that young Monica Lewinsky."  Moon, appearing contrite for all of the sins of mankind, was especially sorry for Bum Phillips. EAGLES SIGN "SQUEAKY" FROMME Philadelphia, PA -- In another crafty, surprise move, the Philadelphia Eagles announced yesterday that they have signed recently released felon, Lynette "Squeaky" Fromme. Fromme, the notorious member of the Manson Family and presidential assassin, was released from a California jail on Friday after serving 30 years for the 1976 attempted shooting of then President Gerald Ford. Eagles coach Andy Reid said, "I've done my research on Squeaky and I think she deserves a second chance and I've told everyone, I'm going to bring in the players that are going to get us to the Super Bowl." Reid fielded questions from reporters on how he planned to use Fromme in the West Coast offense. "We think she can do some damage lining up with a shotgun and truthfully, I think a lot of defensive coordinators are scared shitless of Squeaky," added Reid. Fromme squashed rumors that 30 years in the pen have taken the edge off of her skills. "I think I can still do some damage or else I wouldn't have signed," said the Manson disciple. "I might have lost a step or two in 30 years but a couple of days in camp should shake off the rust," she assured. Fan reaction was mixed with some fans asking "Why Fromme...why now?" and others saying, "Squeaky and Mike Vick in the same backfield? Look out Dallas!" Charles Manson, the famed father figure of the Manson clan said, "I'm very proud of all my children but it's a real thrill to have one of your kids play in the NFL...I don't want to be one of those braggy sports dads but hey, I always knew Squeaky was special."
MORE ON PITINO: HE PAID HIS EQUIPMENT MANAGER TO MARRY HIS LOVER? YEAH, YOU HEARD RIGHT! Louisville, KY -- The woman accused of trying to exhort over $10 million from Louisville basketball coach Rick Pitino is now accusing Pitino of arranging her marriage to his equipment manager. Karen Sypher said that Pitino orchestrated a elaborate scheme designed to keep her quiet about their clandestine love affair and subsequent pregnancy. Sypher said part of Pitino's plan was to have his equipment manager, Tim Sypher marry her so that Pitino could keep the incident secret. Sypher said, "He paid his equipment manager to marry me so that he could bug my house and I'm broken hearted because I fell in love with an equipment manager." The jilted Sypher went on to describe her lifelong dream of marrying an equipment manager so she could get "lots of free Louisville Cardinals gear" but now, "I'm devastated and have no access to free shit." Pitino denied the allegations saying, "Yes, it's true that I arranged the marriage between Tim and Karen but only because I'm a Hindu and I firmly believe in arranged marriages." Pitino said his real name is Rajendra Pitino but "you can call me Raj," added, "Marriage is too precious of an institution to be wasted on young love and I wanted my equipment manager to have a stable relationship in his life." Tim Sypher admitted, "My life as an equipment manager was spinning wildly out of control until Raj arranged this marriage and all was bliss until I found out that Raj was poking my sacred cow." The entire nation asked the question yesterday, "What the frig is going on down there in Louisville?"
ANDY REID ADOPTS MICHAEL VICK Philadelphia, PA -- Philadelphia Eagles head coach Andy Reid and his wife signed papers yesterday completing the adoption process for their new son, Mike Vick. Vick, who spent two years in federal prison on dog fighting charges, said he was thrilled to be adopted by the Reids and even happier to be living with them on Philadelphia's famed "Main Line." "Wow, they've got a nice house, a couple of dogs, and some real problematic sons," said Vick, "so I'll probably just blend into the background." Reid said that he and his wife have tried for years to have a black son but "we just kept coming up blank but now our family is complete." Vick is said to have to share a room with Reid's natural sons but spent his first day in his new home walking one of the family dogs, Fritz. Fritz, a lovable black lab, was later reported missing. Vick explained that while walking the dog, Fritz got a little testy with a neighbor's pit bull and "what choice did I have but to lay down $5,000 on the pit bull?" Reid said later, "There's no hard feelings if Mike can substitute for Donovan say somewhere in October when we're around 1-6."
PITINO HONORED BY MEN'S GROUP New York, NY -- University of Louisville basketball coach will be honored by a fraternal men's organization this evening at the annual banquet gathering of "Men With Excuses." The group will present Pitino with their annual "Man of the Year" award after a close victory over closest competitor, Texas Rangers Josh Hamilton. Pitino, who admitted have sex with Karen Sypher and then giving her $3000 for an abortion, will be the honoree for a group who "constantly seeks to find examples of behavior that could get the rest of us off the hook or out of a tight spot with a spouse or girlfriend." Ted Tootine, President of MWE said, "Rick has given men all over the country just the best excuse of all when caught cheating, saying, 'Honey, at least I'm not Rick Pitino.'" "And that's what this award is all about," added Tootine. Up until yesterday the voting members of MWE were fixed on Josh Hamilton for his drunken escapes with some local strippers and one board member said, "I had already rehearsed my 'Honey, at least I'm not Josh Hamilton' excuse when I planned to come home drunk last night." "But," he continued, "Rick Pitino stepped in and added new dimension to excuse making and for that we're eternally grateful." Pitino said later, "I'm honored and let me repeat one more time, I had an indiscretion several years ago and wow, if you need to use me as an excuse, then go right ahead."
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