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SERGIO GARCIA BLASTS AUGUSTA

Augusta, GA -- Golfer Sergio Garcia blamed the conditions at Augusta and in particular the poor food choices at the 9th hole snack stand for his poor Masters performance.

"I want to know why I go to the famed Augusta year in and year out and when I make the turn at No.9 all I can get is a hot dog and a coke," steamed Garcia. Garcia complained that the hot dog "repeated on me for the entire back nine inflating my score to 75." Garcia said he would only return next year if the officials at the tournament expanded the food choices to include Spanish omlettes and quite possibly frittatas. "A nice mushroom and bacon frittata cooked in olive oil with some garlic could have shaved 6 strokes off of my score," insisted Garcia.

Former Augusta chairperson Hootie Johnson was livid. "Who the f*** ever heard of a fattooto or whatever the hell that spic is talking about? It's golf, you have a dog with kraut and refreshing coke at the turn and play the back nine," explained Johnson.

Longtime Augusta thorn in side, Phyllis Berk said, "There are still no women members at Augusta but if I could get some Pescado Con Salsa de Cebolla at the 9th hole, I'll forget about any future protesting."

Garcia, later retracted his comments and apologized to the Augusta members. "It might be unreasonable for me to blame Augusta's lack of good Spanish food, reasonably priced, served in a quaint atmosphere for my shitty play but seriously, at this point, I'd even take a hot dog cooked in garlic and olive oil served in a rich plum tomato sauce, served on a deep fried corn fritter and then I believe I could be under par."

Is it too much to ask a fancy, schmancy club like Augusta to serve a little Paella at the turn?

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HALL OF FAME STOCKTON CONFESSES IN TELL ALL BOOK

Springfield, IL -- Hall of Fame and former Utah Jazz point guard John Stockton reveals that when he was playing basketball he lied about his age and his addiction to "Geritol".

Stockton in his new book, "I Not Only Look Like Your Father, I Am Your Father," admits that he was a 46-year-old  rookie in his first NBA season and retired at the mandatory 65. "I truly believed at the time that if I had admitted I was my true age, people may have said 'he's white and old looking...how could he play basketball in the NBA?'" explains Stockton.

In addition he admits that he was addicted to the iron supplement and old folks' tonic "Geritol". Geritol, the once famous elixir for "iron poor blood," was a staple in senior citizen medicine cabinets during the 1950's and 60's. "At the height of my addiction, I was downing sometimes 8 to 9 bottles before a game," tells Stockton, "and I'd go out there totally with enriched red blood cells and have a 20-assist game."

Stockton recommends Geritol for all slow, white people who desire to be basketball players or better dancers. "And," Stockton explains, "Geritol used to be the sponsor for my favorite 'The Lawrence Welk Show' and I credit Larry Welk for my ability to polka."

And in just one more scintillating tale, Stockton explains that Karl Malone, the Mailman, "never really delivered any mail nor ever drove a mail truck." "Malone always wanted to be a mailman but just couldn't cut it but carried on the 'Mailman' thing for his entire career," pens Stockton.

Shit, he does look like my father.

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JOHN DALY HAS BIG TAKE AT MASTERS

Augusta, GA -- John Daly did very well at this weekend's Masters even though he couldn't pick up a club.

Daly, who is serving a six-month PGA suspension, was seen outside of his huge good ole' boy RV peddling his line of golf clothing called "Big Drunk Fat Guy" sportswear. Daly was pitching shirts, pants, and boxers to big fat, drunk guys outside of a Hooters just moments outside of Augusta.

"You'd be surprised how many big, fat drunk guys watch golf," said Daly, "and what better way for big, fat drunk guys to be watching golf than in a 'Big Fat Drunk Guy' matching set?" Daly explained that he designed and manufactured the entire line. "It's really pretty easy to design your own clothes," he said. "Like one night I staggered, fell, and threw up all over myself and that was the genesis of the idea," he added.

Daly admits that his clothing is a bit more expensive than you might find in discount department stores but "I have to throw up on every piece of clothing for it to have the authentic 'Big Fat Drunk Guy' label."

Thousands of big, fat drunk guys bought shirts and size 56+ pants and then went inside "Hooters" where they tried for hours to seduce a buxom waitress. "You don't get any further with a Hooters waitress but when you're staggering around drunk, you feel just like a real PGA golfer when you're wearing the JD clothes," said Wally Norstrom.

Deals at Augusta? Are you kidding? How about grabbing a "Big Fat Drunk Guy" thong for the low, low price of $22.95 plus Georgia tax?

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MAN SUES WHITE SOX ORGANIZATION OVER T-SHIRT GIVEAWAY

Chicago, IL -- An Indiana man has filed a lawsuit against the Chicago White Sox claiming that he was seriously injured during a t-shirt giveaway at U.S. Cellular Field.

The man, Frank Leehussle, claims that he was seriously injured while scrapping for a loose t-shirt fired from a "t-shirt cannon". T-shirt cannons are used regularly by sports organizations in dispensing promotional giveaways. Leehussle said, "All I wanted was a wet t-shirt contest and I was shot by a t-shirt and barfed on by a drunk guy, all in all a disappointing baseball experience for me and my entire family."

Secretary of Defense Robert Gates immediately ordered seventeen thousand t-shirt cannons to be deployed in both Afghanistan and Iraq. "T-shirt cannons will be the workhorse of a new military strategy that we'll aim at the terrorists." He asked, "What terrorist wouldn't want a free t-shirt?"

Iranian President Mahmadow Aboutdinnerandamovie said that, "We will never bow to Satan's attempts at distracting us with free-t-shirts but hey, those t-shirt cannons are pretty nifty and we could attack Israel with a few of them." He did hold out some hope of a reconciliation with the United States when he said, "Let's put the wet t-shirt contest on the table...a few bimbos and a hose and I'm there."

"Please, can you just give us one t-shirt cannon?" the Iranian leader pleaded.

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FLORIDA BASEBALL COACH UPSETS ALL OF ASIA

Palm Harbor, FL -- A Tampa Bay area high school baseball coach is being investigated for killing and burying a snake on his team's field in a ritual designed to stop the team's losing streak.

Coach Jeremy Albrecht claimed his team was "snake-bitten" and consequently the team purchased and sacrificed a live snake to the baseball gods. One team member explained that they buried the dead snake under the pitcher's mound and said, "No one's gettin' bitten now."

Team member Sparky Sirkit said, "We initially we're going to feed Rosie O'Donnell to the snake and try and change entire country's bad luck but you can imagine, the snake couldn't get his jaws around Rosie." So the team gathered, practiced in front of the watching snake, and the snake died of boredom.

Later, the Florida community was met by an outpouring of hostility from several Asian nations. "That could have been dinner for my family," said Hur Yu. "Truthfully, you can saute' or deep fry and add vegetables and you have a rather satisfying meal," added a frustrated Yu. "Yes, and it does taste like the proverbial chicken," he winked.

O.J. Simpson weighed in on the controversy saying, "Burying under the pitcher's mound is f***ing genius, why didn't I think of that?"

Surprise the family on Easter Sunday...a little cobra instead of ham?

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DEFRAUDED INVESTORS GET METS SEASON TICKETS

New York, NY -- Thousands and more thousands of bilked investors of the Bernie Madoff "ponzi" scheme were given some good news yesterday by a Manhattan judge.

Judge Ralph Knotthapie told a packed courtroom yesterday that Madoff would have to give up his New York Mets season tickets as part of a first step in the bankruptcy proceedings. Madoff had a look of relief on his face and later was overheard talking with attorney saying, "Well I may be in jail but at least I won't have to watch them blow an 8-game lead in September."

Tony Ponzi, a spectator in the court spoke out asking the judge, "Can you please stop referring to this whole thing as a Ponzi scheme? It makes things very difficult for us Ponzis!"

Judge Knotthapie tolda packed room, "that although we'll never recover the billions and billion of dollars that you've all lost, you will get to watch some Mets baseball in their new stadium, and wow, isn't that exciting?" The exact nature of the season ticket compensation has yet to be determined but legal observers close to the situation speculate that the two tickets for the 81-home games will be divided among 92,473 investors. This means that each investor (depending upon pitching) will be able to watch about an average ten-pitch experience.

"Certainly," added Knotthapie, "as the Mets get deeper into the season, the games get longer and more boring, so the victims could possibly get to see a whole inning."

This poor bastard is having bitch of a time recovering his reputation.

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HIGH SCHOOL TRUSTEES WRESTLE WITH STADIUM NAME

Leander, TX -- Officials for the Leander School Board met for 48 hours in the last few days trying to come up with a name for their school district's new football stadium.

The proposed name "Tumbleweed Hill Stadium" was met with objections because of the obvious reference to marijuana. School Board President Lyle Lovettez said, "The kids are going to associate it with smoking weed and everyone's going to come the football games high and wow, we're going to have to have a lot of money for brownies."

Trustees asked the community for suggestions and thousands poured in, forcing the committee to meet in secret to decide. "BJ Field", "Hooker Stadium", "Jugs Memorial Field", and "The Tits Complex" were all rejected flat out because as Lovettez suggested, "They each carry some baggage and with any name, people are going to find something negative."

"We're in a pickle," whined Lovettez, "but we are from Texas and who can object to 'The Bush'?"

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COWBOYS TIGHT END NOMINATED FOR PULITZER

Dallas, TX -- Dallas Cowboys tight end Martellus Bennett believes that an NFL football player needs a backup plan in the event that his career is cut short by injury or just bad, sucky play.

Bennett decided, "Why not be an author?" as his second vocation and he has recently penned a new book, "Why Women Fart?", that has critics turning their heads. Even the upper crust Pulitzer committee is taking note releasing a statement, "Martellus has penned the penultimate treatise on female flatulence and we're just glad someone had the courage to write it."

Bennett interviewed yesterday by a dying, asthmatic Larry King said, "People are stupid! They'll read anything a real life football player writes." Larry King responded breathlessly, "Fascinating, our lines are open to take your calls."

Bennett read an excerpt from his book and both King and his audience were captivated:

"Man what do you do if your chic farts?It doesn't seem as if women should fart. I was walking in the grocery store in the chips and dips aisle. This lady was walking in front of me pushing her cart she stopped to pick up some pringles and let one rip. Sounded like a growl and and a motor but smelt like a dead carcus. OMG! Now I knew it wasn't me LOL and we were the only two people on the aisle. She just smiled and kept walking like nothing happened the smell followed her. I swear I could see it like smoke out of a train just nasty. "

Immediately King demanded that he read more and Martellus obliged with:

"I mean come on if you were on a date with Angelina Jolie a lunch date eating spaghetti and pancakes or whatever it is people eat in Hollywood and as she's feeding you she farts. Do you let her slide because of her beauty or call her out?"

For the love of God let's end this traditional snuggle pose where men are at their most vulnerable to a woman's fart.

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JUDGE ALLOWS CLIPPERS' RANDOLPH TO DRINK AND DRIVE

Los Angeles, CA -- Los Angeles Clippers forward Zach Randolph was arrested for drunken driving after the team's 88-85 loss to the Los Angeles Lakers but then was let go when the judge threw the case out of court.

We have been consistent, rooting for the Clippers over the Lakers ever since Kobe was drafted.

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SERENA WILLIAMS SAVES FISHERMEN IN FLORIDA

Miami Beach, FL -- Serena Williams proved again yesterday that she can be a force both on and off the tennis court.

The super-athletic half of the famous Williams sister used her well-endowed posterior to save several drowning fishermen off the coast of Florida. A small boat of Sunday fishermen took off and set sail for a three-hour tour, a three hour tour. The weather starting getting rough, the tiny ship was tossed, if not for courage of the fearless crew, the Minnow would be lost, the Minnow would be lost.

And thanks to some quick thinking by the Coast Guard the crew and passengers of the boat were rescued without incident. Coast Guard Captain Russell Johnson took a call at 2pm and was told of the potential capsizing of a boat about one mile from sure. Johnson spotting Serena Williams on the beach, quickly snapped into action.

"I just sort of figured, if we drop Serena in the water, there's plenty of surface area on and around her ass to displace significant water and give a buoyant place for the fishermen to grab onto," explained the Captain. "It's certainly not in our manual so I was improvising like hell," he continued. The entire group of ten were able to hold on to Serena's ass until a Coast Guard cutter arrived on the scene.

"Serena is an American hero," said passenger Ginger. "Her ass is so nice and comfy, it's make a helluva bed too," added Gilligan. Gilligan added, "Please Skipper, can I keep Serena's ass, please, please?"

Just in time for summer vacations, the new Serena Williams floating ass.

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BRAZILIAN FOOTBALL CLUB FINDS USE FOR VIAGRA

San Paulo, Brazil -- A soccer club in Brazil claims that taking Viagra helps improve performance in high altitudes.

Athletic trainer, Fernando, said yesterday, "We find that several pills improves stamina and ultimately performance." The entire soccer team took the erectile stimulant before a game against Buenos Aires (translated meaning Boners Hair) and just as predicted the team defeated the Argentines by a score of 5-0.

"It is a terrific drug," said Fernando, "the men were aggressive throughout their pursuit of their prey and would stop at nothing until their drive to score was satisfied." Play Rohindoaldohoho said, "I charged the net and of course the climax was a wonderful climax because I scored."

Several players reported injuries when several Argentines were impaled by some very, very strong erections. "You go into a crowd expecting to go after a loose ball and who expects to find a large spear coming right at you," said Argentina's Hectoriodinho. "11 erections to none was the difference maker in today's game," he lamented.

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MLB NETWORK GOES THROUGH EXTREME MAKEOVER

New York, NY -- The MLB Network announced yesterday that they will use advanced computer technology to re-shoot historic baseball footage which will give viewers up-to-date views of plays that weren't possible years ago.

"You might be asking yourself, why would we go back and watch video tapes of old baseball games and then enhance them so we can watch more old baseball games," said MLBN spokesperson Todd Yaughn. "And that  is a great f***ing question that I can't answer," he added.

So the crux of the matter is hat the viewer can now tune in to MLBN and watch old baseball games from the 1950's and 60's for hours and hours but with new camera angles that didn't exist at the time of the real action. "It's a great way to initiate sex with your wife," explained longtime fan and TV viewer Bob Knottgettinany. "I just put on the old baseball re-runs when my wife gets into bed and she says 'I'll do anything but watch baseball re-runs' and wow that really sets the mood," Knottgettingany said while getting something.

Tonight the network will premier the classic September 4, 1966 game between the last place Kansas City A's and the next to last place Chicago White Sox. Both teams were 32 plus games out of first and they battle in a 9-5 game that went on for 18 innings. "You won't want to miss this type of programming yawned Yaughn.

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BRONCOS SET BIG PLANS FOR KYLE ORTON

Denver, CO -- The Denver Broncos swapped quarterbacks trading supposedly disgruntled Jay Cutler to the Chicago Bears for the anemic Kyle Orton.

Cutler, who had butted heads with new head coach Josh McDaniels, rolled around on the ground and pleaded, "Please don't send me to the Chicago Bears, anywhere but there!" McDaniels just laughed and said, "Get lost you little prick!"

The Broncos immediately announced their plans for Orton. "First," said McDaniels, "the boy needs some contact lenses." "Have you seen the boy's eyes? Jesus no wonder he can't hit a receiver," added the new head Bronco. "Second, he looks stupid so let's get him some cosmetic surgery," he promised. "And lastly, let's get him hypnotized...least we forget that he's been hanging around with Rex Grossman for a couple of years, so we've got to have him de-programmed," was the last part of the three pronged strategy.

Orton toked on some weed and just said, "Wow, Mile High is where I wanna be."

Some new lenses and some a few weeks in re-hab and Orton might just be a top NFL QB.

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SEATTLE SEAHAWKS COME BACK FROM ACID TRIP WITH NEW JERSEYS

Seattle, WA -- The Seattle Seahawks unveiled their newest football jersey which evolved from their marketing department's disposition towards LSD.

"Yes, we are a staff that likes to drop acid," said designer Tim O'Leary, "and while out in the cosmos we visit NFL films, I mean literally you can drop acid and be part of an NFL film...you really ought to try it." O'Leary believes the new "snot green" jersey will be a hit for both kids and their parents.

"What could be better than a snot green jersey and little kids?" he asked. "So a kid's got snot running down his nose and he's wearing a Seahawks jersey...no brainer there, he wears it another week or so before you have to wash it and the rest of us don't even notice the snot," he explained. The team also plans to give out science lessons to young fans on the scientific origins of snot. O'Leary added, "Snot is a big part of our world and the Seahawks are all about 'Green.'"

Seahawks coaches are excited about the new jerseys too. "How convenient," said one coach, "let's say you're on the sideline and you got a ton of snot coming out of your nose cause of one those really shitty sinus infections and shit, you never have a hanky when you need one so now you just go up to a big hulking lineman and grab his jersey and blow the snot all over him and no one is worse off for the wear."

Snot and Seahawks? You might want to grab the tutorial.

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COWBOY'S PHILLIPS TRYING TO HOLD COWBOYS TOGETHER

Irving, TX -- Dallas Cowboys coach Wade Phillips in under fire from all sides these days and the easy going Texan is doing his best to stay focused as he prepares his team for the 2009 campaign.

The mood around the Cowboy camp this spring is similar to the last day of General Custer's stand at the Little Big Horn. Anyone or anybody with a pulse is taking shots at Phillips as Cowboy fans all over wonder when Jerry Jones will pull the plug on "ol Wade" and replace him with pretty boy Mike Shanahan.

Phillips admits that cutting Terrell Owens was a terrible football move. "Gee the guy just has such a positive impact on the locker room and he's such a team guy, how do you replace him," asked Phillips. Owens wished his former teammates well but said, "I hope they get it together really, they've got the talent but they just don't get the 'TEAM' concept."

Jones is hoping that Owens' replacement Bob Scaramuzza can step up and replace the former 1000 yard receiver. Scaramuzza, a speedster from Western Haitian A&M, has a lot to prove to NFL talent evaluators. "Bob has speed, he can catch, he likes to go over the middle and grab the tough ones but he's a bit of a baby," said Phillips. "He's just really immature for a grown man and though I think he can play for us, shit, he's high maintenance."

Can Scaramuzza be the magic elixir needed to return the Cowboys to Super Bowl prominence? Probably not. And that suits 99.9% of the entire world order.

T.O.'s replacement is said to be loaded with talent but "He's a big baby with lots of attitude." Sound familiar?

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OKLAHOMA WOMAN GUARANTEES TITLE OR YOUR MONEY BACK

Norman, OK -- University of Oklahoma women's basketball star Courtney Paris announced that she will give back her scholarship if her team doesn't win the national championship.

Paris gave a speech at courtside the other evening saying she would try and find $64,000 and pay back the University if her team exits the NCAA tourney. "I want to do something special for the fans," she said.

Later Paris realized that she didn't have $64,000 and said, "Oh shit, what the f*** did I just say...oh I am one dumb bitch...oh shit, $64,000...no wait can we change that...take three zeros off and call it 64?" But Oklahoma President Boney Switzer (cousin to former OU football legend Barry) said, "OOOPPPS, sorry, no I heard you and you said 64,000 and yes, you got a big f***ing mouth."

Later, Paris pleaded with Switzer to renegotiate the promise and Switzer responded saying, "You want to do something special for the fans...well how about do something special for old Boney?" The good news is that Paris went out and had a triple double and destroyed OU's first opponent. A relieved Paris said later, "All I got in my pocketbook is $1.82 and a coupon for 99cent Big Mac, so man, you gotta watch what you say."

Just looking at this picture for a few seconds can make you slimey and weasley and never want to step foot in Oklahoma!

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TEXAS A&M TO TRY SMALLER WORDS

College Station, TX -- Texas A&M football coaches will be communicating a lot differently next year than the way they did last season.

"We used too many big words last year," explained Coach Mike Sherman, "and for chrissakes we're a football team and big words just don't make sense to our players." Sherman explained that terminology for example, "is a big word in itself and when you trying to use terminology and you don't know what it means, it can get awfully confusing."

"We going try to boil things down to one syllable," the Aggies coach said. "Why use a words like, 'Okay guys is everyone wearing their supporter with a protective cup' when all you have to do is grab your balls and say 'huh?'" he demonstrated.

"We use the West Coast offense," Sherman diagrammed, "and most of our players don't know where the west or east coast is for that matter so we're just going to point towards the end zone and say 'way' and we think we're going to be very effective offensively."

Already the team has responded and the "student-athletes have been saying words like "yea" and "good" and "me fun".

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SOCCER LEGEND PELE LIKES TUBESTEAK?

San Paulo, Brazil -- Hold the phone before you let your little travel soccer boy hang up posters of  Brazilian legend Pele.

Soccer  big wig Diego Maradona told all the world that Pele lost his virginity with a man. Maradona let out the news after Pele accused him of doing drugs and not being a suitable role model for the kiddies. Pele added that Ronaldo and Robinho have also taken drugs and suggested, "Why don't we all get some f***ing last names."

"What do you want me to say?" asked Maradona, "he debuted (lost his virginity) with a lad." Maradona told reporters that "Pele is to soccer what Larry Craig is to the U.S. Congress."

Pele defended himself saying, "Come on, I'm from Brazil and try finding a woman in Brazil to lose your virginity with." He added, "Look I was getting up in years and I was fearful that I would end up one of these old soccer virgins so one day in the shower room, I got in on with Gayaldohino but who knew until today."

This is exactly what it appears to be.

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MASS SUICIDE WATCH ON AT DUKE

Raleigh-Durham, NC -- Teams of psychologists, counselors, and emergency response personnel have mobilized at Duke University after the possibility of a mass suicide became a reality after the school's basketball team got shellacked by Villanova in the Sweet 16 round of the NCAA basketball team.

Thousands upon thousands Blue Devil fans lined up in front of Kool-Aid dispensers and listened to Coach Mike Krowsnowski promise a "better world on the other side." Coach K encouraged fans to drink up and follow him into a land of infinite McDonald's All-Americans and lackey opponents.

Moments before the entire student body complied with the Kool-Aid request, UNC basketball coach Roy Williams appeared and said, "Don't be foolish, you're still in North Carolina and you still have something to root for."

Mental health care professionals commented "it was the largest case of mass depression they had ever seen since Buffalo signed Terrell Owens." One psychologist commented, "You know, suicide is a viable option if a patient is in extreme pain and this would all be legal if Duke was located in Oregon."

The inconsolable Coach Krasmasski said through tears, "Though I am the winningest coach in basketball today, and though I have a squeaky clean image when in fact I'm a weasel who works the refs like Osama works suicide bombers, how could Gerald Henderson go 1-14 from the field? Give me that f***ing Kool-Aid!"

Come on guys, cheer up...you still have that great Duke lacrosse season to look forward to.

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NO JOKE; ALL YOU CAN EAT AND FART PROTECTION TO BOOT

Lake Elsinore, FL -- The Lake Elsinore Storm minor league baseball club announced on Monday that the team will offer a weekly "Fat Tuesday" all-you-can-eat" bonus to their game ticket.

For just $10, you can load up on peanuts, nachos, dogs and kraut and with the added security of "fart protection." Stadium manager Biff Loweman explained, "We understand that it could be a huge environmental hazard for the state of Florida so we are offering some high tech fart safety."

The Storm with the help of their sponsor, the Subtle Butt Corporation, will give each fan a fart absorbing device made of activated charcoal on a 3 inch cloth adhesive that can be worn inside the dragstrip of one's underwear. The Subtle Butt strip is the only one of it's kind and it has proved so effective that NASA has ordered 10,000 for the Space Shuttle program.

"You can imagine farting in zero gravity can be problematic and a gas-ey astronaut is an un-welcomed astronaut in space," explained NASA chief engineer Porky Schonhorst. "What I've learned in all my years as an engineer," added Schonhorst, "is this, whenever I see a really nice ass, I realized that that beautiful ass can mask a very noxious potential  and frankly that is very important to know as you go through life." So while in Florida you can take in a game, eat all you want, watch the space shuttle take off and have the security of knowing that hundred of farts are disappearing magically into the mysterious world of activated charcoal.

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KOBE, WIFE SUED; DON'T WORRY, NO ASSAULT THIS TIME

Los Angeles, CA -- Kobe Bryant and his wife Vanessa are being sued by a former housekeeper who claims that Mrs. Bryant was over-the-top abusive and at one point made her put her hand in a bag of dog shit to retrieve a price tag from a blouse.

It all began when maid Maria Jiminez put one of Vanessa's new blouses in the dryer and the blouse shrunk four sizes. Kobe explained, "When drying cottons, you must use the gentle cycle and clearly this stupid bitch cranked up the heat." Jiminez alleges that Vanessa called her, "lazy, slow, dumb, a f***ing liar, and a f***ing shit." "Okay," said Jiminez, "so I'm lazy, slow, dumb, and a f***ing liar, but a f***ing shit, I'm sorry, that crosses the line."

The straw that broke the camel's back was when after Jiminez cleaned up a pile of dog shit in the Bryant backyard using a discarded plastic store bag from an expensive Hollywood boutique, was when Vanessa told Maria to reach in the bag for a receipt for the shrunken blouse. Supposedly, Mrs. B wanted to deduct the price of the garment from Jiminez's salary.

Apparently, Jiminez was able to negotiate the pile of dog shit and retrieve the receipt without getting any of the feces material on her hands. "It was a death defying performance," said one witness. "It was like watching David Copperfield or that other creepy guy Blaine something," the witness added.

Aside from the lawsuit, Jiminez stands to gain from offers pouring in from all over Hollywood. One agent said, "We see a movie, a book, and either a reality show or just a great variety show act with Maria." He added, "Retrieving items from bags of dog shit has everything...suspense, suspense, and more suspense as the audience watches and wonders, 'Will Maria be able to retrieve the receipt without getting shit on her hands or will she accidentally get smeared with Fido's turdies'...that is compelling television."

Since Jiminez's departure, the Bryant dog has had to take on added responsibilities.

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PIRATES' OUTFIELDER MARRIED TO REALLY OLD GAL CRIMINAL

Plant City, FL -- The wife of Pittsburgh Pirates outfielder Jose Tabata has been arrested for kidnapping after she allegedly abducted a 2-month-girl on Monday near Tampa, Fla.

Amailia Tabata Pereira, 43, and 23 years older than hubbie, Jose, returned the child to the Manatee County Sheriff's Office on Tuesday afternoon. The incident left Tabata asking, "What, you're serious, my wife is 43?"

Tabata said he had no idea that his wife was that old because he says, "She always wants the lights out, if you know what I mean, and I play a lot of baseball, so you don't notice these kinds of things." Pereira will most likely be charged with false imprisonment by Plant City police, but police chief Harry Marigold added, "We're going to add robbing the cradle to the list of charges, both with stealing the baby and stealing Jose."

A teary eyed Tabata pleaded with anyone who would listen, "Please don't make me play for the Pirates, I can't face another 100 losses this summer in Pittsburgh." "And now, I'm married to someone older than my mother who steals babies?" he asked. "Well I guess it could be worse," he said philosophically, "imagine if she was 63?"

There just oughta be a law against old geezers with money scoring with hot, young babes. Please, write to your congressman.

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LANCE ARMSTRONG INJURED; NO ONE CARES

Baltanas, Spain -- Cyclist and American hero and purveyor of annoying yellow wrist bands, Lance Armstrong was injured when he fell off his bike on Sunday.

Armstrong was taken to a Spanish hospital where he suffered from a broken collarbone. Here is the part of the story where we could inject a comment about Armstrong only having one testicle but we're above that kind of low brow humor so we're not even going to mention it.

What we will report is that no one absolutely cares if Armstrong fell off his bike. "I don't care," said Fred Blixson of Cleveland, Ohio. "Me neither," exclaimed Larry Duwap, a co-worker of Blixson. "Frankly, I don't give a shit about Lance Armstrong," said Benny Bristor of Havre de Grace, Maryland. "Does anyone really give a shit about Lance Armstrong riding a bike?" asked barber Len Klasko. Cliff Gebler, a retired machinist responded, "He's riding a goddamn bike for chrissakes, and jees, I'm tired of hearing about this blood doping two-wheeler."

So there you have it, no one gives a shit about Lance Armstrong. Not one person we spoke to, expressed any concern whatsoever. Except one cycling fan, Jenny Flavthorn, who said with genuine compassion, "I hope he didn't hurt that nut of his."

Workers gathered around to hear the news of Lance Armstrong falling off his bike, but quickly returned to their jobs collectively saying, "Can we just get this f***ing guy out of our lives?"

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NFL'S WONDERLIC SUED FOR COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT

Los Angeles, CA -- A film producer filed a cease and desist order against the NFL and the psychologist who developed the league intelligence test, the Wonderlic.

The Wonderlic test is given to prospective draft picks to measure their intelligence or lack there of. Yesterday the scores of lots of college seniors were released and the results were not surprisingly disturbing. A record number of players received a record low score of below 10. A score of 5 indicates illiteracy  and there were plenty of happy illiterates lining up to be drafted into the NFL.

But the big news was not the players' scores but the lawsuit filed by film producer, Lenny Fishenforesumo. Fishenforesumo produced and directed an adult classic by the same name as the test. "It's a must see for all film fans," Lenny assured, "and I can't have my film mixed up with these dumb ass college kids," he added. "I put my life into the film 'Wonderlic' and I was pretty damn proud of that title," he fumed.

NFL executive Al Hoot asked the obvious question, "How can an intelligence test named Wonderlic have anything to do with an adult film?" Former President Bill Clinton said, "That is a test I want to take."

We think this just might be Dr. Wonderlic.

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STEROID USE CATCHES UP WITH A-ROD

New York, NY -- New York Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez met with reporters yesterday to discuss his hip surgery and three rehabilitation.

"The plan is to get me back on the field before the All-Star break," said Alex, "and by then we ought to be about 13 1/2 back of Boston." Rodriguez refused to discuss his admission to steroid use saying, "It's not something I'm proud of but you tell the truth and move on." He said emphatically that he wants "all the kids to know just how steroid use can take its' toll on the regular user."

"Yesterday," he said, "all my troubles seemed so far away, now it looks as though they're here to stay, oh I believe in Yesterday...Yesterday, I'm not half the man I used to be, there's a shadow hanging over me oh yesterday came suddenly."

Pop diva and Rodriguez confidant Madonna took one look at Rodriguez and said, "Seriously, the lights were out, I didn't really get a good look at him or else, I would have never slept with him." Former wife Cynthia commented, "Hey, I got a real nice settlement, I'm no fool."

 

Rodriguez said, "The hip feels really good but I lost some muscle mass laying around."

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