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October 2005 OZZIE GUILLEN, SHERYL SWOOPES GAVE ME COURAGE!" World Champion Chicago White Sox manager, Ozzie Guillen, announced today that because of the courageous announcement of basketball player, Sheryl Swoopes, he was now able to be comfortable with "who I am." Observers say that Guillen has struggled all season with his sexuality. He was rumored to be in love with several players but he was very careful in the locker room and at team functions. But after Swoopes announced that she was a lesbian, Guillen commented that a load was lifted from his shoulders. "I am lisbyin," Guillen said. Immediately after the announcement, gay rights activists took the opportunity to congratulate Guillen for his bravery. Gay White Sox fans all over Chicago stormed the streets in celebration declaring this Friday as "Ozzie Pride Day." Shortly after the celebration, Guillen clarified the announcement by saying it was all a language problem. "All I say, is that Sheryl Swoopy like woman and so do Ozzie," Guillen said in his accented English. "I sorry, I no know what lisbyin mean."
ROCK HARD TEN SCRATCHED FROM CLASSIC UNDER PROTESTS FROM RELIGIOUS RIGHT Belmont, NY - Rock Hard Ten, who was scheduled to start from the post in Saturday's Breeders' Cup Classic, was scratched after it was announced that a conservative religious group would protest the race if it went off. The Citizens for Moral Horses say that the name Rock Hard Ten is offensive to their religious sensibilities and if demonstrates how low our culture has fallen. Group spokesperson Davis Jefferson said, "Rock Hard Ten might be a good name for a porno flick but it bad for all the young horse racing fans across the country." He added, "I don't think we need a TV announcer screaming 'Rock Hard' is coming down the stretch. It sends a bad message to kids and the horses themselves." Trainer Dick Hertz (who for years has endured taunts, "Who's Dick Hertz?") said he understood the groups concerns but said, "This just may be another case of penis envy. Everyone loves horses until they remind us of our own natural shortcomings." Rock Hard Ten is seemingly enjoying the publicity and Trainer Hertz said, "The other horses respect him."
8 White Sox Players Accused of Throwing the World Series Rumors are circulating that 8 Chicago White Sox players tried to throw the World Series but bungled the job. MLB spokesperson Roy Floynotter announced that the White Sox repeatedly tried to lose the series only to be continually foiled by the inept Astros. White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen emphatically denied the charges but did admit that the Sox wanted it to go seven. "We gooda play anuter wik but no we dunt ply anuter wik," said Guillen. Houston Astros manager Phil Garner was aware that the White Sox were trying to throw the series but he "wouldn't stand for it." Garner added, "As a team, we didn't want to win cause they were trying to lose so we lost so they could win and baseball season is too long and the sport is pretty boring and in fact I fell asleep during a game and that looks really bad cause I'm the manager and I'm supposed to be interested..." World Series observers were hoping for another Black Sox scandal and a disappointed Kevin Costner added, "Gee, now I can't be in a boring baseball movie about a baseball scandal where I get laid. I hate Chicago."
ELLEN DEGENERES TO COACH HOUSTON COMETS Comedienne, actress, and talk show host Ellen DeGeneres announced today that she would take over as owner and coach of the WNBA Houston Comets. "Today, I'm the luckiest woman on the face of the earth," DeGeneres said in a Lou Gehrig tone. "Imagine my own personal stable of female athletes, whose salaries I'm paying, and they're beholden to me." DeGeneres added that she feels like a kid in the candy store. DeGeneres' first move as coach and CEO was to have Alisa Scott banned from all Houston Comet activities. DeGeneres explained that All-Star Sheryl Swoopes will be her "baby" and the Scott better, "Move it on over." DeGeneres commented that Swoopes playing time would be reduced because, "She's working for me baby!"
RASHEED ON NBA DRESS CODE: "CREATES DIVERSITY!" Detroit, MH - In a surprise turn of events, the perennial temperamental Detroit Pistons forward Rasheed Wallace applauded Commissioner David Stern's new player dress code. "I think it's high time the players stop the bitching and get on itching for some new threads," Wallace said as he modeled his new line of clothing called "Sheed Tweed." "I gonna make me some money on this whole fiasco," Wallace added as he paraded around in what he said will be a definite trend setter, "the Sheed Tweed prayer shawl." Wallace explained he got the idea from Stern himself. Wallace told reporters that "Stern's a Jew right? And I'm black right? And Jews like to pray and Blacks like to rap, so why not a rapping prayer shawl? I'm gonna rap in Hebrew, brother!" Stern was bubbling with enthusiasm over Wallace's entrepreneurial spirit. "People accuse me of racist intent and look how we're bring people together with Sheed Tweed." Stern sees the NBA logo on all Sheed Tweed product exposing the NBA to synagogues around the world while bringing Judaism to the inner cities. "It's a win-win for basketball and God," said a jubilant Stern.
(Thanks to another alert Jockweb reader for making us aware of Sheed Tweed!) PENN STATE WANTS LESBIANS In response to accusations by a gay rights advocacy group, Penn State women's basketball coach Rene Portland said, "I want lesbians and I want a lot of them." Former player Jennifer Harris left the team and she has claimed that she was repeatedly questioned about her sexuality while playing for Portland. Portland responded by saying, "I only recruit lesbians and Jen seemed hetero and I was worried that she would feel she didn't fit in." Portland is concerned that heterosexual players might think that Penn State is a haven for girls that choose a heterosexual lifestyle. "That couldn't be further from the truth," said Portland." Penn State's team is facing a major rebuilding year which Portland added, "makes it crucial for me to get some major league lesbians." Several players added that their coach encourages lesbianism both on and off the court. Recruit Bobby Sue Perkins said that Portland loves to see the players "touch, hug, and suck face." Portland remarked on the ridiculousness of the charges saying, "Realistically, as a coach, who do I want on the court? And I can only respond that butch players have won a lot of games for me. I'm all about butch."
MINNESOTA VIKINGS TO EN-TICE FANS Minnesota Vikings owner Zygi Wilf knows a good idea when he sees one and he lives by the principle of turning negatives into positives. Following last week's news of "a team drunken sex orgy" on Lake Minnetonka, Wilf believes this is a great growth opportunity for the franchise. Wilf explained, "Guys love football and guys love sex and guys love drinking so why not put them altogether and make some real money." The Vikings will re-market their corporate packages to include games, drinks, and plenty of sex. Wilf continued by saying, "Hey, there's a lot of down time in an NFL game, you know, with TV timeouts and all, so let's get our fans laid between possession changes." All Viking corporate boxes will now be equipped with king size beds and TV monitors on the ceiling. Wilf added, "It's definitely for fans that can do two things at once, real multi-tasking." Longtime Minnesota fan Swen Swenson thinks the Vikings may be on to something. "Let's face it, the team is just awful but with a few beers and a hooker, it's a great afternoon of fun." Viking players are on board too. Player Fred Smoot commented, "Minnesota is really cold, and an awful place to live but with a few beers and a hooker, it's a great afternoon of fun."
UCLA PRESIDENT ANNOUNCES BUDGET CUTS TO CHEERLEADING SQUAD: "DEAL WITH SMALLER POM-POMS!" Los Angeles, Ca. - UCLA Chancellor A. Carforsale announced strict budget cuts to the University athletic budget in an attempt to cut back on spiraling state education expenses. Carforsale said, "No one likes budget cuts but as a public university I have to manage with the public's interest in mind." All essential programs might be subject to the budget axe and critics say that Carforsale has been merciless in his pursuit of "university fat." Carforsale went after the cheerleading team first and the results have been immediately felt by a program that represents the quintessential California girl. Faculty and staff for years have been criticizing the money spent on cheerleading pom-poms. Faculty senate representative and budget committee chair, Seymour Talefeather remarked, "Our cheerleaders have the cadillac of pom-poms, big oversized things which cover up the girls. We can cut costs in half by cutting the size of the pom-poms by two-thirds." Football fans at last week's game against Cal, took notice of the budget cuts. Senior, Jason Freed commented, "I think the cuts should go farther, like mabye uniform tops." The cheerleading squad unanimously agreed that though the smaller pom-poms were tough to swallow that they, as a unit, would cope as best they could with the smaller pom-poms.
(submitted by an alert Jockweb reader. Thank you, thank you, thank you for your alert eye). ASTROS FAN CATCHES THINGS TWICE Shaun Dean, the fan who caught two home run balls during the same game revealed that he catches everything twice. "It's something that I've always carried around," Dean explained. "Like the crabs, I got those twice. And gonorrhea, I got that twice," Dean went on and on. Statisticians are amazed at Dean defiance of mathematical probability. Ethan Orr, the chairman of the department of statistics at Beasley State University explained, "The home run balls I can understand, but gonnorrhea twice? Wow, he's a miracle." Dean continued that his first wife was a "real bitch" so "divorced her and remarried and guess what, my second wife's a real bitch too." Dean spent Monday standing with his wife in a thunderstorm. "I got her a nice pair of metal spiked shoes for her birthday so let's just get the party started."
TEMPLE FOOTBALL COACH RESIGNS TO TAKE JOB IN BAGHDAD Philadelphia, Pa. -- Temple Football Coach Bobby Wallace is calling it quits after eight seasons at the perennial garbage heap of college football. "We suck, I suck, Philadelphia sucks, and the whole world sucks," said a dejected Wallace at a University press conference. "I'm lower than than a mouse testicle," Wallace added as he announced, "I come from Alabama with a banjo on my knee." Temple Athletic Department spokesperson, Chip Ahoy commented later, that the banjo was part of the problem. "Every goddamn practice, he take out that f#&%*&@ banjo and try to get the team to sing, 'I Wish I Was In Dixie.' That can be a problem in North Philadelphia." Wallace will not be unemployed for long. President Bush announced that Wallace would be picked up by the Bush administration and shipped immediately to Baghdad where he'll coordinate the Army's intramural football program. Bush said in a statement, "Bobby Wallace is a good American, a proud American, an American who love freedom. And he has proven over these last eight years that he can lose. So he's going to be an assent in Iraq." Wallace added, "Temple? Iraq? Come on, are you kidding?"
PRICE SETTLES WITH SI ; CELEBRATES WITH DRUNKEN ORGY Birmingham, Ala. -- Time Inc. and former Alabama football coach Mike Price settled a $20 million dollar defamation suit over a Sports Illustrated article. In the article, SI reported about Price's drunken behavior at a topless bar in Florida. The publisher stands behind the story but agreed to "amicably" resolve the suit. Price was ecstatic with the settlement. After the settlement was reached, Price offered to take everyone over to the Club LuSai GoSai for drinks and some topless dancing. Both sides of the suit hoisted drinks while several scantily clad women danced to the Alabama fight song. Witnesses to the settlement said that Price admitted to getting wasted like the article reported but he denied the allegations of sexual misconduct afterwards in his hotel room, as reported by SI. SI's attorney Gwen Vixon said, "We're very happy that Coach Price and SI came to a friendly conclusion, in fact, Coach Price put a $20 tip in my garter belt just to show how grateful he was."
NBA HIRES NUN TO ENFORCE NEW PLAYER DRESS CODE Commissioner David Stern announced that the NBA will create and enforce a new off-court dress code to combat the current negative image the players are creating. "We're all about money," Stern said, "and preppy white guys are our core audience so our players have to recognize that bling blang or whatever alienates middle America." Stern added that the players will wear khaki Dockers and a nice polo shirt with a navy blue sweater. Stern mentioned that he lived near a Catholic school and he noticed that "those kids look really smart going to school in the morning." Stern has hired the principal at Our Lady of Fallen Angels parochial school as the architect and enforcer of the new code. Sister Vincent McMahon (no relation to the WWF fellow) will design and implement the policy. Sister Vincent announced that, "we mean business and I'm not taking any s*%# from any SOB that doesn't step in line." Philadelphia Sixers guard, Allen Iverson said, "It was high time that the NBA cracked down on this hip-hop look. The way some of these guys look is a disgrace." Sister Vincent added, "Allen is such a nice boy, isn't he?" She then gave Allen a tootsie roll for his cooperation.
LARGE BREASTS DISTRACT STEELERS RECEIVER Pittsburgh wide receiver Hines Ward admitted that the large breasts on the woman in Section 23 Row H Seat 7, were just too much of a distraction in last week's game against the New England Patriots. "I caught a glimpse of them during warm-ups and from then on, I couldn't see the ball." QB Ben Roethlisberger called Ward's number several times in the first half but Ward seemed to be "in another time zone." Coach Bill Cowher pulled Ward from the game after he dropped a routine screen pass in the second quarter. Ward told Cowher the problem and Cowher immediately left the field and joined the woman in Section 23. Cowher explained that "they were probably the finest pair of breasts that I had ever seen but they were going to cost us the game." Cowher immediately asked that the woman be removed from the stadium so the game could continue. Cowher added, "I offered her season tickets to the Pirates as a sort of make up present but she wouldn't budge." The Steelers were forced to resume the game with the large breasts still interfering with the offensive play calling. Ward was re-inserted into the lineup in the second half and luckily for the Steelers, two lesbians started kissing in Section 23 Row H Seats 8 and 9. Ward explained, "Once I saw the lesbians kissing, I got back into the game. Usually watching lesbians kissing turns me on but that's usually on DVD and late at night."
ANDY REID SWALLOWS BRIAN WESTBROOK IN FEEDING FRENZY As if the Philadelphia Eagles don't have enough to worry about with injuries to Donavan McNabb and David Akers, now they will be lining up without one of their biggest offensive threats. All-purpose back, Brian Westbrook, the electrifying third year runner, was swallow up whole by coach Andy Reid. Reid has a reputation of being a ravenous eater with an appetite that can't be satisfied. The team has a very strict policy regarding getting close to Andy Reid at feeding time. Team spokesperson, Newt Brunswick explained, "We've known all along that Andy could easily swallow a player and we had taken the necessary precautions to prevent such an incident." These steps included placing a yellow line of demarcation down the middle of the team's dining facility. Westbrook apparently crossed that line in an effort to get clarification on a pass route when Reid chomped down. Westbrook was literally inhaled into Reid's digestive tract. Fortunately for Westbrook, Eagles security staff reacted quickly. A guard stunned Reid with a sedative dart long enough for on-lookers to pull Westbrook from Reid's grasp. Guard Ray Swayze told reporters, "That because it was Westbrook we were right on top of the situation. If it was someone further down on the depth chart, we probably would have just let it go." Reid explained after the sedative wore off, "I don't know what it is, but if I swallow someone, it takes me about three months to fully digest the person. And then I don't snack in between meals."
"JOE THEISMANN" MOVEMENT GAINS STEAM What started as a few disgruntled ESPN football viewers has turned into a national movement. Tens of thousands of television viewers of ESPN football gathered in Washington, D. C. to call for the government to remove Theismann from the public airwaves. Movement leader, Clem Weider addressed the crowd and public laid out the group's demands. "First, we insist that Theismann no longer is allowed in any football broadcast booth, forever or Armageddon, whichever comes first. Second, we'd like his tongue removed and lips stitched shut, just so no one ever has to listen to his inane, 'I know what I'm talking about because I'm a washed up old football player' comments." Weider said that the group means business. "We're talking extremism here. Okay mabye not to the degree of strapping a bomb on myself and blowing him up on a suicide mission, but short of that, we're at least gonna boycott ESPN sponsor Bud Light," Weider told reporters. Theismann was available for comment. He spoke for five hours in an empty bathroom stall talking about the misdirection play he made famous in 1976.
UNIVERSITY OF MIAMI CHANGES NICKNAME TOO!
In another of what seems to be endless nickname changes by colleges and universities, the University of Miami (FL) has changed it's name from the Miami Hurricanes to the Miami Pollacks. "We felt that in light of the recent tragic events on the Gulf coast it would be appropriate to change our mascot name," said university spokesperson, Eddie Poplowski. "We just want to be more sensitive to the victims," Poplowski added, "and we figured that the Poles are mature enough to handle our insensitivity to them. And by the way, I'm a Pollock and I'm not offended." Hurricane victims seemed indifferent to the change. Ralph Abercrumb of New Orleans commented from his roof, "Can I get a bottle of water from FEMA?" FEMA spokesperson, Billy Crawdip said the name change, "was the first step in making the Gulf coast whole again." Miami's football team immediately drove the wrong stadium, forgot their uniforms, and forfeited the game against an ACC opponent. Players enjoyed a meal of vodka and perogies. DENNIS RODMAN CONFESSES: "I'VE GOT A POINT GUARD IN MY PANTS!"
Former NBA bad boy, Dennis Rodman, revealed to the media that earlier in his career he had an actual life size replica of an NBA point guard tattooed to his...member. Rodman confesses that one night while high on tequila and crystal meth, I had an artist draw a actual 6'0'' replica of a point guard "on my flaccid do-hickey." Rodman added that it was all in good fun and that he used the tattoo for motivational purposes. "Whenever I needed to get up for a game, I'd just take a peek and say that this player or that player was disrespecting my manhood and then I'd grab a lot of rebounds." Several of Rodman's former girlfriends substantiated his story. Reba Flatyre described her first encounter with Rodman as both "frightening yet intriguing." Flatyre explained, "It was sort of like an inflatable man in the room with us, mano y mano, so to speak, nonetheless it's every bit as impressive as Mount Rushmore."
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"Baseball is very diverse," says Commissioner Bud Selig. He added, "I wanted to kiss Ozzie too but my wife was watching."
Rock Hard Ten on the film set of his latest foray into movies, "Equine Pleasure,"
White Sox player faking celebratory champagne, "We should have lost! No one around here cares about tradition!"
New Houston Comets owner, Ellen Degeneres.
Rabbi Hyman Glickman sporting a "Sheed Tweed" prayer shawl. "I'm a baaaad m#&%&# f#*%&# rabbi," says Glickman.
Portland to Jen Harris, "Back off bitch!"
Fred Smoot, "I always use a condom because boating safety is sooo important."
Cheerleader Becky Sue Bunt to football fans, "You want pom-poms? I'll show you pom-poms."
Dean justs keeps catching the same fish and throwing it back. Dean says, "It gets a little boring but I'm the only guy who catches fish."
Wallace, "Baghdad's lookin' real good."
"Wow, check her out," Price spotting a UTEP cheerleader at Saturday's game.
Sister Vincent McMahon speaking about Allen Iverson. "He's got a nifty crucifix tattoo on his thigh."
Hines Ward trying to re-focus after fixating on "magic breasts."
Reid in a post-eating frenzy press conference. "He tastes like chicken," Reid said referring to running back, Brian Westbrook.
Theismann talking to himself about "how good I was."
Miami Pollock fan enjoying pre-game tailgate.
Rodman with admirers at tattoo unveiling.