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DIRK NOWITZKI TO RETIRE FOR TV CAREER

Dallas, TX - Dallas Mavericks superstar Dirk Nowitzki announced today that he plans to retire soon and pursue a television acting career.

Nowitzki is enjoying a big season but says that, "the NBA leaves me unfulfilled." Nowitzki has acted in small roles as a child in his native Germany but like Arnold Schwarzaneggar, he would like to follow his theatrical instincts.

Nowitzki's agent has been in negotiations with several studios, shopping a remake of the 60's hit, "Hogan's Heroes," where Nowitzki could play any number of German parts. Nowitzki says, "I'm partial to Sgt. Schultz but I do a wonderful Herr Commandant." Nowitzki demonstrated his keen sense of character by standing outside of the Maverick locker room as if standing guard like Schultz. When asked if he had seen Maverick owner, Mark Cuban, Nowitzki responded in a dead ringer Schultz manner, "I see nothing!" Later Nowitzki broke reporter up with his continual accented German screaming, "Hogan, Hogan, I know you and your crazy men are up to something!"

Hollywood insiders think Nowitzki could be a big draw but he will either have to put weight on to play a believable Schultz or shave his head and wear a moniker to pull of the Commandant.

Nowitzki at his audition, "Ooooooh is that the streudel I smell...I haven't had streudel since my days in Dusseldorf!"

MICHAEL IRVIN HAS HAND IN COOKIE JAR

Atlanta, GA - With his Hall of Fame status pending, former Dallas Cowboy receiver and ESPN commentator, Michael Irvin was found with drug paraphernalia AND Onterrio Smith's "whizzonator."

Police were not all that surprised at the drug paraphernalia since Irvin is a repeat offender but the found whizzonator raised suspicions. Irvin emphatically replied to the question, "What the hell are you doing with Onterrio Smith's whizzonator?" by saying, "Man, I was just holding it for him...I mean, we're just friends...I mean, you'd hold your friend's p*n*s, wouldn't you...wait...sh** this interview is over."

Drew Rosenhaus arrived on the scene and gained control of the situation for client Terrell Owens' close friend and mentor. Rosenhaus said that the Eagles management will "rot in hell" and deflected reporter with a steady barrage of "next questions."

JOCKWEB BOOK OF THE MONTH CLUB REVIEW

Periodically Jockweb reviews sports books and makes recommendations. It's sort of like our Oprah club for sportsfans. Here is this month's book:

"COACHING LITTLE LEAGUERS WITHOUT TURNING THEM INTO LOW ESTEEMED SOCIOPATHS" by Bert Grissom    Reviewed by Bert Grissom

If you're thinking about coaching Little League baseball then Bert Grissom's "Coaching Little Leaguers Without Turning Them Into Low Esteemed Sociopaths," is a must read.

Grissom has been coaching Little League, actually T-ball, for one year. His book is packed with up to date drills, philosophies, and coaching strategies that you, the novice coach, can put to use immediately.

Here's just one example of the insight Grissom brings to baseball managers. "Let's say you have a situation where a kid is up to bat. You're a new coach and you're not sure what you should say to the kid. Try, 'Hit the Ball!' It's a simple thing but when you're the third base coach it make you sound like you really know what you're doing. "

Here's another: "You're own son is pitching. He's walked fourteen straight runs in. Parents have snuggled in their sleeping bags waiting for the inning to be over. Kid's in the field have had birthdays come and go. Your pitcher is as upset as Jeffrey Dahmer during a visit to a hand surgeon. You as the manager say to your suicidal pitcher, 'Throw strikes for God's sake!' Everyone present stops and notices and thinks, "hey this guy knows his stuff."

Grissom is pure baseball genius. It's a page turner and there's more. But don't take my word on it. Go out and get the book. You won't find it on Amazon. You won't find it in bookstores. BUT you can get it on JOCKWEB! Look for upcoming order information.

DANICA PATRICK WEDS OLD GUY: NASCAR RATINGS TANK

Indianapolis, IN - Race car driver Danica Patrick married some old guy in a quiet ceremony. No one caught his name and there are few details available. At press time, the best we can figure is that Danica is off the market.

NASCAR officials spent the entire day in mourning. "This is a bad day for male racing fans and a really bad day for NASCAR." NASCAR had capitalized on Patrick's sleek, sexy image and now are scrambling on how to market a bitchy, flabby housewife who can drive a car at 200mph.

Race fan Billy Burdip commented, "She's gonna be just like every other woman now, bitchy, flabby, and driving too goddamn fast. And now I gotta get me a new poster for my fantasies."

Patrick preparing for her honeymoon, "I just love lug nuts!"

BYU INVITED TO FIRST BOWL GAME IN FOUR YEARS "JUST TO BOOST ATTENDANCE"

Las Vegas - Brigham Young University received it's first bowl invitation in four years when it accepted to play in the Las Vegas Bowl. Interest in the Las Vegas bowl, one of three hundred bowl games this year, has been scant in the last several years.

Bowl spokesperson Viva LaRue explained that last year's game had about 20 people in the stands and "19 were venders." LaRue laid out the bowl committee's logic. "We figure by inviting a school full of Mormans that there gonna be a lot of polygamists. We're figuring if all the men have a few wives and a ton of kids, we oughta fill this place up in no time."

University spokeperson Juan Ofmany said, "I'm not sure that logic holds up or we'd have to have about 300,000 seat stadium. If a Morman has a seven wives, I don't think he's gonna wanna watch the Las Vegas Bowl, catch my drift?"

Morman Orin Orout, "Yeah, I've got seven wives and you don't. You want to compare sex lives?"

TIGER WOODS SINGS TO WIN JAPANESE TOURNEY

Tokyo, Japan - Tiger Woods used a little reverse psychology on his Japanese opponent to capture the Dunlap Phoenix Open on Sunday.  Woods was deadlocked with one of the Japan's top professional golfer. Walking up the eighteenth fairway, Woods began to sing "Come Together". Woods explained, "I figured the John Lennon image might be a distraction for my opponent." It worked. Woods sang a medley of Lennon songs including, "I Am A Walrus" and "Mean Mr. Mustard."

As his opponent putted, Woods danced and sang "GooGooGajoob, " which gave his opponent the yips on the final green.

Later it was explained to Woods that he defeated Kaname Yokoo not Someone Named Yoko. Woods embarrassed, commented, "A terrible mistake has been made BUT I did pick up a huge check." Kaname Yokoo reacted by breaking the shaft of his putter and shoving the jagged shaft into his gut.

Yoko Ono, "I don't have time for golf, I can't even get this bra on."

EAGLES NEW WITHOUT T.O. FOR A CHANGE

JERRY FALWELL SENDS FOOTBALL COACH TO THE "BOWELS OF HELL!"

Lynchberg, VA - Liberty University President Jerry Falwell has fired football coach Ken Karcher after failing to have a winning season. "Not only is Mr. Karcher dismissed, he'll burn in the eternal fires of hell for failing to deliver a winner to Jesus Christ," said an animated Falwell from his church pulpit.

Falwell made it clear that Liberty wanted a BCS bid and nothing less than a National Championship will satisfy the Lord and Saviour. "Jesus has spoken through me and he has been very unhappy with Karcher's play calling, " Falwell explained. "I specifically asked him to put in my special John:5: Reverse 2, where the quarterback laterals to the halfback, takes a knee in silent prayer, the halfback pitches to the wideout coming back into the backfield, then the wideout pitches to a second wideout coming back from the weakside, the quarterback stands up baptizes the middle linebacker and asks him to accept Christ into his life which immediately renders the defense into lambs, the wideout then pitches back to the quarterback, who throws to the tight end in the endzone. Liberty wins and the opposing defense is evangelized."

Karcher said that Falwell's plays take too long to develop and most of the time the plays result in a sack for the defense. Right after the firing of Karcher, the former coach was hit by a stray bullet, run over by a speeding car, and buried was still alive.

Liberty athletic director, A.P. Ocolypse said that Liberty's next coach "will have to share a similar offensive philosophy with Rev. Falwell."

Falwell announcing that God has called him to coach the 2006 campaign. "We'll be playing like Crusaders plundering Jerusalem!"

ESPN ANNOUNCES NEW ESPN "NOT SO CLASSIC CHANNEL"

New York, NY - ESPN announced today the launching of a new television network to compliment it successful ESPN Classic Network. The new ESPN "Not So Classic" channel will feature mediocre to lousy sporting events from the last fifty years.

ESPN programming spokesperson, Len Boredtome said ESPN is hopeful to bring the "same stupid nimrods" to the new network, who tune in the ESPN Classic. "We think there are enough idiots with lots of time on their hands and they won't care what we put on. The formula of pitching to idiots who will watch anything has worked for us for years," said Boredtome. "Just look at the 'Ryan Leaf Story,' " Boredtome added. "If we can get an audience for a Ryan Leaf telemovie than there are people who are going to want to tune into the 1973 Oklahoma-Kansas football game where Oklahoma forgetfully trounced Kansas by a score of 64-3."

First season highlights will include the not so famous 1981 Brown-Lehigh game and the 1975 Chuck Wepner vs. Bob Smith fight in a Bayonne bar.

ESPN Not So Classic TV will feature some of the greatest games ever played on Mattel's first electronic football game.

BCS TO CHANGE NAME BY REMOVING THE "C"

Los Angeles, CA - The BCS has announced today that it will be dropping the "C" from BCS and just going with BS.

No one quits knows the origins of the BCS nor understands why anyone let them rate college football to begin with. BCS spokesperson Tony Gofiguroa explained, "We just got together on a computer and started pluggin in some numbers and the next thing you know we're determining the College Football National Champion. We never expected anyone to take us seriously."

The BCS has come under attack in recent years for it's questionable formula for determining the best team in the country. Gofiguroa continued by saying, "Us calling the National Champions is sort of like Bush saying Iraq's got WMD's, you have to take our word on it. And since Bush and us are sort of in the same boat, why not call it the BS rating system?"

Tony Gofiguroa says, "You know, I've never seen a college football game in person."

MIAMI HURRICANES RELEASE NEW CD: LARRY COKER SAYS, "MAKES A GREAT STOCKING STUFFER!"

Miami, FL - A profanity based rap recording that denigrates women and minorities was released by the University of Miami musical group the "7th Floor Crew." The "Crew" made the recording which references multiple acts of group sex and lots of derogatory terms for women and minorities.

Miami Head Football Coach said, "This is a hellava first time effort for some of our student-athletes. People complain that they're just here to play football and I'm here to tell you that these kids are multi-dimensional."

The Hurricanes plan to release the song as part of a larger album entitled, "Miami Football Is Offensive." Coker added, "We think the album is going to be a big hit, and just in time for the holiday season."

An unidentified Miami player added, "Miami football is all about hedonistic, sexual fantasy, and we're probably going to a BCS game too!"

PENGUINS ROOKIE CROSBY SINGS CROSBY

Pittsburgh, PA - Pittsburgh Penguin rookie hockey sensation Sidney Crosby has released a new Christmas CD entitled, "Crosby sings Crosby."

" Most fans don't know that I was conceived with frozen Bing Crosby sperm," Crosby explained at the CD release party. "I never knew about it or put it together until I started punching out my syllables like my Dad use to."

Crosby does a wonderful rendition of the hockey favorite, "I'm Dreaming of A White Hockey Christmas." Crosby explained that, "It's a little ditty juxtaposing the white of snow at Christmas, with the all white sport of hockey." Crosby added that, "I'm full of metaphors and with a little bumbumbum and rattatattat it opens Crosby music to a whole new generation." 

Bing Crosby's family released it's own reaction to the Christmas CD. Crosby son, Nathanial noted, "Hey we're just glad you can freeze sperm, thaw it and get a hellava hockey player. My sperm brother's gonna be rookie of the year and mabye get a Grammy."

JOCKWEB LOSES BID FOR CAROLINA CHEERLEADERS PICS!

Charlotte, NC - In some very disappointing news today, Penthouse magazine outbid Jockweb for the rights for an exclusive pictorial article on the lesbian exploits of two Carolina Panther cheerleaders.

Penthouse has paid over one million dollars for the rights to photograph the two cheerleaders accused of having sex in a bathroom stall. An unnamed Jockweb source expressed his bitter disappointment by saying, "Okay so we only offered them twenty bucks but we agreed to honor them in our 'Stall of Fame' awards."

Jockweb in it's official press release expressed, "deep remorse for failing our readership but don't forget, this is FREE, high quality satire. If we had scored some nude photos of lesbian cheerleaders we would have shared them with you, our friends. We're feeling blue and we don't have $6.50 to shell out for Penthouse."

MLB TO ADDRESS CROTCH ADJUSTING IN WINTER MEETINGS

Milwaukee, WI - Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig announced that the big topic at the upcoming owners meetings will be this year's record number of crotch adjustments.

Selig reported that crotch adjustments were at an all-time high this season. Selig mentioned that games have been slowed down an average of twenty-two minutes because of players stepping out of the play to adjust their "package."

Selig said, "The game is slow enough but if every Tom, Dick, and Harry has to pick at his Tom, Dick, and Harry then the fans are just going to tune out." Particularly troubling to Selig is the reported use of the crotch pitch. "It's replaced the spitter as the most used illegal pitch," explained Selig.

Pitchers reach down, scratch their crotch, and just get enough testicle moisture on their fingertips to alter the baseball surface. Batters say that the "baller" first comes in "sort of lazy, then sort of rises fast and hard, before hitting the catcher's glove pre-maturely."

Owners will vote on limiting crotch adjustment to a slight pick of three seconds or less.

Met's Pitcher throwing the "baller" with some extra juice.

AVIAN FLU CASE FOUND IN INDIANA: LINK TO LARRY BIRD DROPPINGS

Indianapolis, IN - Officials from the Center for Disease control have swarmed the city of Indianapolis after the first reported case of Avian flu has been reported.

Benny Wipple, a custodian at the Conseco Fieldhouse has come down with what is reported to be a strain of the Avian flu. The good news is that Wipple is doing well and is expected to make a full recovery. The bad news, of course, is the dreaded jump of the highly dangerous virus from birds to humans.

It is believed that Wipple contracted the disease after cleaning the restroom frequented by Hall of Fame basketball player, Larry Bird. Dr. Lance Perkodonist of the CDC commented, "We're not sure if Mr. Wipple was actually in close proximity of Mr. Bird's droppings or if he actually touched them. If the latter is true, then we've got some serious questions to ask Mr. Whipple as to why he would be handling the droppings."

Mr. Bird has agreed to fully cooperate with health officials. "Hey, I'm a victim here. I just went to the john to read the sports page and now this."

Bird droppings at Conseco Fieldhouse.

EAGLES TAKE T.O. BACK: REID SAYS, "WE STILL HAVE A JOB TO DO!"

Philadelphia, PA - The Philadelphia Eagles have made peace with disgruntled, oftentimes troubled wide receiver, Terrell Owens.

After Tuesday's ultimate suspension of Owens from the team, Owens with the help of super-agent, Drew Rosenhaus, crafted a contrite statement asking forgiveness from the Eagle players, management, Donavan McNabb, and Andy Reid.

This morning, Eagles President released a statement that the Eagles will re-consider the suspension and take Owens back. Worried that they might lose an arbitration hearing, management decided "it was in everyone's best interest to have Owens back in the Eagles family."

Owens will be back at Lincoln Financial Field on Monday's game against the Dallas Cowboys. The Eagles want Owens to sell hot dogs in Section 332 and 334. Reid commented, "We need him to sell dogs and if he's truly sorry, he'll sell dogs like it was the fourth quarter of the Patriots game."

The Owens camp responded, "We want Terrell back with the Eagles doing something or else I look like a really bad agent," Rosenhaus said. "Hot dog vending is an important part of the NFL experience and Terrell can bring intensity to those sections. I think he could probably be the number one vendor in two or three games."

The Venders Association has calculated that Owens will make approximately $875,000 per dog sold. Association spokesperson Guy Nichols commented that the price of dogs "will probably have to go up a bit."

Rosenhaus said, "Terrell was made for vending!"

O.J. DENIES WRONGDOING IN ROSA PARKS DEATH:

Miami, FL - O.J. Simpson denied any involvement in last week's passing of Rosa Parks. Stepping out of his golf cart, O.J. smirked, "Come on you guys, this is getting out of hand."

O.J. has an alibi as to his whereabouts at the time of Parks' death. "I was playing golf like I always do. I loved Rosa Parks and we were close friends." Simpson was last seen playing golf with Parks the day before she passed.

A sheriff's department spokesperson said under anonymity that Simpson was the lead suspect in the case. "We know she passed on due to natural causes but hey we just having some fun with the Juice."

CAROLINA PANTHERS JON FOX: "WE'VE GOT A GREAT TEAM AND SOME GREAT CHEERLEADERS!"

 Charlotte, NC - A Carolina Panthers cheerleader and another woman claiming to be a Panther cheerleader were arrested early Sunday for allegedly having sex in a nightclub bathroom stall.

Panthers coach Jon Fox commented on the incident by saying, "We're in first place and our cheerleaders are having lesbian sex in public restrooms, I'd say we're having a real good year."

Police responded to a complaint by a club patron that she was forced to wait for 15 minutes while the pair engaged in loud, moaning sex. The patron said, "It would have been fun to listen to but my bladder was bursting." She added, "I hate to break up really attractive women having good lesbian sex in a public restroom but I have been drinking pints and well, you know how that is."

The two cheerleaders became angry and hit the witness forcing her to wet her pants and cause a major spill on the bathroom floor. Maintenance was called immediately and the spill was contained to the restroom. FEMA was notified but was late responding to the urine spill.

Club manager Jeb Malarky explained the heightened tensions around the incident. "We could have had some major slip and falls and I want to thank all of the emergency response team for preventing what could have been a very dangerous situation." Malarky added, "Usually lesbian sex in our bathroom stalls happens in a safe, unobtrusive way. It was unfortunate that the witness had a full bladder."

Coach Fox added, "I like that kind of energy in our organization. There's a place on the Carolina Panthers defense for ruff-n-tuff lesbians."

Panther cheerleaders cheering on their teammates. "Go girl go!"

AROUND THE NBA : DARKO MILICIC SEES DOUBLES PLAYING TIME UNDER FLIP SAUNDERS

Detroit Pistions center Darko Milicic has seen his playing time dramatically double since the departure of Larry Brown and the arrival of new coach Flip Saunders.

"I'm so happy," said the jubliant Milicic who logged in a healthy 78 seconds in the Pistons recent victory against Philadelphia. That's a whole 52 seconds more than he received in the last two years.

Saunders said, "He's getting about eight million a year and he's worth every penny. You know, he's got great hair and a terrific smell. And that name, Darko, so sexy. I've got big plans for Darko!"

 Astrologer: Jane Dixon Predicts Future of NFL

Jane Dixon, noted astrologer, now a staff member at Jockweb, has been successfully predicting the future for most of the past. Some of her most exciting predictions include: "Bill Clinton will get a hummer from an high school sweetheart and Richard Simmons might get a hummer from someone." Well we know she was sort of right on the Clinton thing, so we wanted to know what the noted astrologer sees into the future for the National Football League. We were trying to get a handle on our next 50 Superbowl bets but Jane surprised us with the following:

"I see a bleak, bleak football future. Expansion goes crazy. By 2014 there are 168 teams spanning every continent. You can imagine that no one wants to play the Antarctic Polecats unless it's a home game. The Exxon-Mobile NFL announces that the world's oil supply has dried up. Football gets big in Texas, Mexico, Venezuela, and Saudi Arabia." The 2015 title game between the Syrian Bombers and the Frito-Lay Hostess Twinkies ends in a tie, setting off a suicide bomb where every player is maimed. No free agents are available that summer. 82 year old Vinny Testeverde engineers a comeback for the Seoul Brothers. Two LaDainian Tomlinson clones, team up for a four hundred yard game. OJ stabs someone else. That's all I see right now."

JOCKWEB NAMED OFFICIAL SPONSOR OF "HANGIN TWO TOURNAMENT"

Jockweb has partnered with SMICH (Sleazy Men In Cowboy Hats) to sponsor the third annual "Hangin Two Tournament." This year's competition will take place at airports and public places throughout the country. There are no prizes but the competition is lots of fun. Anyone in the continental United States is eligible. The game is this simple: Find someone bearing obvious cleavage. Ask to borrow a pen or a moist towelette or a everyday object the opponent may carry in a purse. Then don't appear too obvious as you stare. There it is! Hangin'Two! Have fun!

2004 winners, Melissa Dribble with partner, Clem Daniels.

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WILMA MCNABB, "NO CHUNKY SOUP FOR T.O.!"

Philadelphia, PA - The Philadelphia Eagles ongoing Terrell Owens soap opera has evolved into a "soup" opera.

Donavan McNabb may be able to keep a level head in the face of disparaging comments from the suspended receiver but not his mother. Wilma McNabb, who has personally spoon fed Campbell's Chunky Soup to the entire team says that "there'll be no soup for him (T.O.) until he says he's sorry to my boy."

Owens' agent Drew Rosenhaus immediately responded by saying T.O. can  wait it out. "Does she really think that Chunky Soup is the only soup on the market? Progresso makes several hearty soups and T.O. is quite fond of their 'split pea.'"

Owens commented, "I ain't saying I'm sorry for nothin I said even though I'm dying to have Miss McNabb spoon some of dat Fajita steak. Ummm that look good! But I can wait it out."

Wilma McNabb, "He gonna apologize to my baby or he gonna getta hot bowl of soup poured down his pants!"

HARVEY COBURN IS 8-0 IN HIS FANTASY LEAGUE

Blakeslee, PA - Harvey Coburn could be the happiest man in America. His fantasy team is 8-0 at the season's midpoint.

"It's sooo exciting for me. I came in 6th place last year and suffered a deep, clinical depression," Coburn explained. Coburn suffered through the 2004 season with the 49er's defense. "People laughed at me and talked about me behind my back," Coburn said as he washed down some thorizine.

Things got so bad in the 2004 season that Coburn shot and killed his entire extended family. Coburn speaking from a secure state facility explained, "It was a combination of being the laughingstock of my fantasy football league and the voices."

But this year, no one's laughing. "Dumb picks like Thomas Jones and the Arizona kicker have got me critical points throughout the season," the gleeful Coburn continued. "But sometimes I wish my family was still here so they could see I really can play fantasy football."

Coburn after hearing the good news: Santana Moss, 9 catches, 154 yards.

24 SECOND CLOCK: TOO MUCH PRESSURE?

Palo Alto, CA - A leading psychologist is recommending that the NBA reconsider the idea of the 24 second clock. Dr. Harvey Blong says that, "the shot clock puts too much pressure on players, it builds up anxiety and ultimately hostility."

Blong noted that this unchecked hostility which he has labeled, PMSS (Pre-Meditated Shot Syndrome) can cause players to become so tense that their only recourse is to go into the stands and beat some fan senseless.

"I say let them shoot at their own pace," Blong added.  He then asked, "Why not come down the floor and really relax with the other nine players, get to know them, and then pick a shot that you like and feel really good about?"

The NBA players think it's a great idea. Ron Artest, forward for the Indiana Pacers commented, "That shot clock just turns me into an animal. I come down the floor like Gandhi but as the seconds tick down I turn into Norman Bates, and I try to kill people." Artest said if he had more time, he'd like to paint a sunset before he takes a shot.

" 24, 23, 22, let me just hit someone," Artest said during last week's game.

NFL SIGNS DEAL WITH PAMELA ANDERSON

Call it a stroke of marketing genius or just shameless sexual exploitation but the NFL has teamed up with Pamela Anderson to market a new Pamela Anderson autographed football, "The Pammy.". The footballs will be the same size proportion as Pamela's breasts and will be sold in pairs.

"We think the kids are just going to go bonkers for the new NFL ball," said NFL Properties spokeperson, Shammy Hucksly. He continued, "The Pammy has a great feel and kids like to take a football to bed with them and dream of playing in the NFL. And what's more, you get two for the price of one." The timing of the announcement could not be better, as Anderson is riding a recent wave of celebrity fame.

Anderson said that she was thrilled with the concept and added, "I always wanted to play football but for some reason, people never took notice of my athletic ability."

I

ARNOLD PALMER STRIPPED OF 1965 MASTER'S TITLE

Augusta, GA - Following on the heals of last week's disqualification of Michelle Wie from a golf tournament for an illegal drop, the Master's tournament officials disqualified Arnold Palmer from the 1965 Master's.

96 old former golf reporter, Ike McDougal, stepped forward and confessed that he saw Palmer drop a ball illegally on April 23, 1965. "I've been carrying this around with me for the past forty years and I was going to burst. I didn't want to go to the grave with this on my chest." McDougal added that when he saw Wie get disqualified then he felt it was only fair that he "rat out" Palmer.

USGA spokeperson, Perky Finewine, explained that the rules of golf are like those in no other sport. "We are f*^%*( bastards when it comes to rules and just because Palmer dropped a ball two inches closer to the hole in 1965 doesn't mean we're not going after him."

Palmer commented that "golf is really boring" and he hoped "McDougal would die a slow painful death by watching John Daly strip naked to Boy George records."

McDougal leaving Augusta with a new babe. "We're getting a hotel room and some malt liquor, baby!"

LOUIS FARRAKHAN: "WHITE ATHLETES ARE SUPERIOR"

Chicago, IL - Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan is being publicly reprimanded for insensitive comments about white athletes. Farrakhan, never one to shy away from controversy, said, "It's no secret that the white athlete is engineered for running speed and jumping. For whatever reason, white players make the difference."

Immediately, Farrakhan was accused by a host of analysts for stirring the fires of racism. President Bush said, stepping off Air Force One, "Farrakhan's playing the race card. I'm sick and tired of the this "white athlete is faster thing. Not only is it divisive for America but it hurts those black athletes who are trying their best to break into professional sports."

Air Force football coach Fisher DeBerry added, "Okay, the secret might be out but hey let's not celebrate it. Let's try to work together to give black athletes a fair shot."

Even Penn State legend Joe Paterno weighed in on the issue. "Farrakhan is  partially right but I've had one or two black kids over the years who can run the ball. Honestly, I'm gonna take the white kid everytime but sometimes when I want to slow the tempo of a game down, I'll go to the black kid."

Farrakhan latter clarified his comments by adding, "What I meant was the white kids are genetically superior for ownership. I meant running superiority as in running a team."

Farrakhan at a karaoke bar doing a Stevie Wonder impersonation.