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Phillies Sign Ex-Cons to 3 Year Contracts PHILADELPHIA, PA - The Philadelphia Phillies, long known for being almost as whimpy as the Chicago Cubs have decided to take steps to toughen their image. In a bold move, they have signed 2 gentlemen recently released from Archibald Maximum Security Prison after serving 7 years each for armed robbery and assault. Phillies General Manager Ed Wade noted the talent of the cons James Johnson and Ricky Magnum while on a scared straight tour of the penitentiary. "They could run, hit, steal...all the things we're looking for to improve our team." Wade had no comment on whether or not Magnum and Johnson would start right away. "Let's just say that just having them in the ballpark will intimidate the opposing team. We can start passing rumors that their cars are being broken into or that their locker room isn't secure...really mess with their minds."
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