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JOCKWEB CAPTURES WONKA'S VERUCA SALT AT COURTSIDE

Veruca is the only child of the wealthy couple, Henry Salt and Angina Salt (a geography teacher in the revised book only, and named Henrietta in the 1971 film Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.) She is a terribly spoiled brat.. Also, she's the 3rd kid to be kicked out of his factory. We were extremely happy to see her go after eating candy and turn into an exploding blueberry. The whole time, we kept warning her to listen to Mr. Wonka but no, Veruca can't listen to anyone because she so goddamn spoiled.

Her father, Mr. Salt owns a nut business. When Veruca announced she wanted the Golden Ticket, her father bought thousands of Wonka Bars and made his factory workers open them. After three days passed, Veruca spent all of them kicking her legs about, while she screamed about how she wanted her Golden Ticket. Finally, a staff member found the ticket, and, as Veruca's father describes it, she is "all smiles again." All we wanted her father to do was give her a good ass whooping.

Thankfully Veruca represents, as do the other "bad" children who visit the factory, one of the  Seven Deadly Sins,  in her case, Greed. Jockweb strongly encourages you to watch the Wonka classic and pay heed to how annoying little spoiled children can be. At first sight of Veruca like behavior, forget about the possible child abuse charges, give the kid a good whooping!

LOU FERRIGNO JR. TRIES TO CONTACT LOST DAD

East Lansing, MI (too) -- A Michigan State junior, who claims to be the bastard child of actor, Lou Ferrigno, tried to make contact with his father last week on national television.

Lou Ferrigno, Jr. told Jockweb, "I'm not even sure he knows about me, but I really look like him, eh?" Ferrigno Sr. is most noted for his role as the "Incredible Hulk," in the 1980's TV drama. Ferrigno played the alter ego of the now dead actor, Bill Bixsby. He never uttered a line but once a month it seemed like Bixsby would have his menstrual cycle and turn into the "Hulk." Despite doing nothing but stand around and grunt while costumed in nothing but green paint and huge muscles, Ferrigno made a ton of money.

Even before the advent of Jockweb, Ferrigno told us that "Chicks really dig big muscular, green painted guys and I get laid all the time. I probably have a kid or two out there that I don't even know about."

The good news for Ferrigno Sr. is that he never had another acting job after the series and, having a younger, muscular green kid, who looks just like him, will probably make him feel like he has something to show for his lame career. Ferrigno Jr. confided to Jockweb, "Actually, I'm hoping to re-acquaint with Dad and get some tuition and beer money."

"Hey Dad, it's me, Lou Jr., your son. Guess what? I can lift a car over my head."

ANOREXIA SUPPORT GROUP CELEBRATES CHEERLEADERS' FIRST MEAL OF THE WEEK

East Lansing, MI -- An early exit from the NCAA tournament at the hands of upstart George Mason, didn't deter students at Michigan State from celebrating.

"Mindy, Mandy, and Muffy each took a bite of a hamburger," explained Wally Thynster. "And a student body, we're standing right behind them." Thynster is a member of perhaps the largest anorexia support group in the country. "You'd be surprised how effective having 10,000 screaming supporters can motivate someone to eat."

"I'm so fat," said the 110 pound Muffy St. Marie. "I'm a size 4 now and if I don't get into a size 2 by summer, I'll want to die." With cheers like, "Don't barf the burger," and "Scarf the nachos," supporters were able to get the reluctant cheerleaders to take a nibble.

"It was a great moment for all the fans," said ESPN analyst Dick Vitale. "To see these great young people cheering on their fellow students, well, it made me want to pop a DiGiorno's pizza in the oven. It's like I tell anorexics all the time, it ain't delivery, it's DiGiorno's."

"Eat, eat, eat," was followed by "ate, ate, ate!"

NIKE EXPERIMENTS WITH MAGNETIC UNIFORMS

Beaverton, OR -- Nike Inc. has just finished market studies on its latest product, the "magnetic uniform." The uniform developed in cooperation with NASA is meant to help the teams involve their fans in defensive strategy.

"It's probably the most exciting innovation to hit basketball since the jock strap," said Nike Marketing Director, Rex Carr. Fans are able to lean forward and actually attract the opposing team to the stands forcing a turnover. "The magnetic force is so strong that it can pull up to five Roseann Barrs at a time," added Carr.

In it's debut at Cameron Gymnasium on the Duke campus, proved to extremely effective. North Carolina guards were sucked into the stands on the last fourteen possessions of the second half, accounting for 28 points off of turnovers. Duke coach Mike Kurzawosewski said, "I really hate Chevrolets. I drive a Kia."

An NC guard gets sucked into the stands and coughs the ball up to a Duke opponent.

High School Hires Sex Offender as Motivational Speaker

JACKSONVILLE, FL - It didn't take long before hot teacher and child molester Debra Lefave found work in a high school again. This time as a motivational speaker.

"We have decided to bring in Ms. Lefave because the men's basketball team was lethargic at best," said MLK high school's basketball coach Arthur Treature. "After suffering our first losing season in 12 years, I asked the boys what would motivate them.  One of them suggested Lefave and I thought it was a great idea." Treature confessed that he has never seen anything like this and does not know why the boys will find additional motivation, but states that after the suggestion was made, the entire team was on board with the idea.  "I've never seen 16 year old boys so excited. I thought I had to do this."

Lefave will meet with the entire team before and individually after each game. The length of the meeting after the game will depend on whether the team wins or loses. Lefave was unavailable for comment, but an MLK senior basketball player predicts, "we're going undefeated. I don't care if we have to play the San Antonio ^&%#ing Spurs."




Lafave commented, "The problem with kids today is that there's not enough spanking. I plan on working with the players on spanking skills."

Golfer Ames Shot While Lining up Putt on 17th

SANTA FE, NM - Stephen Ames, only 1 stroke behind Tiger Woods at the New Mexico Classic, was shot in the right shoulder as he lined up the putt. If Ames had made the putt he would have pulled even with Woods.

Ames' troubles began earlier when he made light of a Tiger miscue. Woods hit an errant shot on the first hole that sailed three fairways over from their fairway. Ames snickered and broke into a loud laugh and remarked, "I thought this guy was good." Woods has a reputation for being over sensitive to jokes about his game. Woods threw down his driver, got behind the wheel of a Buick and tried to run Ames over. Woods gave up on the idea when Ames climbed a tree and Woods realized sponsor Buick wouldn't cover the cost of a banged up car. But Woods threatened Ames publicly saying, "I'm the Don Corleone of the golf links and don't forget that everyone comes to me for favors." Ames came down from the tree and then tried to shakily hit a wedge to the 1st green. He shanked the ball right but continued without incident until he got to the 17th green.

Spectators heard shots ring out and Ames immediately fell to the ground. Police arrested the individual involved in the shooting. Woods snickered and said, "So you still think I'm beatable?"

Police would not comment when asked if the shooter was a member of Woods' posse.
 

Ames later said from his hospital bed, "Tiger's number one in the world for a reason."

NCAA MOMENTS:

#1. D-GUY FAILS TO SHOW UP, LEAVES FENCE GUY HANGING

Spectator Stanley Waskelevich (shown in this picture) was left standing at an NCAA tourney game with just half a cheer. Waskelevich explained that the "D-guy, my other half got caught in traffic, and left me hanging. I'm the fence and I need a "D" or I'm f%^&ed. And asshole gets himself stuck in traffic. I was naked without the D. The D really brings everything together."

 
Waskelevich screamed out "fence, fence!" but the cheer fell flat. "It couldn't catch on with the crowd without the D."

#2. STUDENTS COMPLAIN ABOUT LONG LINES AT THE LOST AND FOUND

Thousands became hostile when they had to wait in extremely long lines to claim shoes, body piercings, and prozac.
Several happy students relieved that they found a shoe.

COACH PART 2: HIGH SCHOOL COACH ACCUSED OF FORCING STUDENT TO POOP IN BAG

Conroe, TX - A Conroe school district coach is on leave while school officials look into a claim that he forced a student athlete to go the bathroom in a plastic bag.

The unnamed student explained that the team was returning from a sporting event and "man, there was a turd choking me to death." Since there wasn't a bathroom on the bus, the coach told the student to defecate in a plastic bag and urinate into a soda cup.

Parents are up in arms while the coach defends himself as acting heroically under trying circumstances. Coach Joe Rodriguez said, "I had two choices staring me in the face. A load in the pants or a load in the bag. I chose the latter." Students on the bus were divided. One student asked, "What's the big deal? People follow their dogs around with a plastic bag and pick up turds all the time."

Rodriguez said he has been contacted by several major airlines as a consultant. A Southwest spokesperson said, "Who ever said barf bags were just one dimensional items? Rodriguez has single handedly changed our ideas on how to crap in flight. Just think, you'll never have to wait in line for a bathroom on an airplane."

A flight attendant instructs passengers to poop exactly where they are.

GYMNASTICS COACH FIRED FROM HIGH SCHOOL FOR APPEARING IN GAY PORN

Breese, Ill. - A high school gymnastics coach, who worked with cheerleaders, was fired after school administrators learned that the 22-year old gymnast had appeared in gay porn videos.

Josh Weast was not a school employee but had been hire to coach for the past three years. The principal of Mater Dei Catholic High School, Dennis Litteken, said he accidentally came across the videos at a gay film festival. "One night I got lost going to the supermarket and ended up at this gay porn festival. Even though Josh did an amazing job in the video and we think he should concentrate on his film career," said the breathless Litteken.

Weast said he made the videos about a year ago because, "I needed the money." He tried to convince school officials that he was still the right coach for the job. "Look, I promise not to bring my camera to school." But the hearing board of ten priests and four nuns were unmoved.

Father Ned Neely commented with a wink, "Gee if we only knew he needed cash, there was plenty of ways to make money at the rectory." The firing committee deliberated for six days before reaching a verdict. Neely added, "We had to scrutinize all of the video evidence very clearly. Gee, Josh is a damn fine actor but our cheerleaders could never be flexible enough to do the things Josh can."

Josh said he is finished with porn but says he's still very interested in doing something with parallel bars.

The gymnast's on the left is flexible enough for...wow, imagine that!

NCAA TOURNEY MOMENT:

We don't know why, but for some reason this guy scares us. We're not just saying "scared" in a superficial like, noises in the attic "scared." No, this is more like a Wes Craven, "I'm going to slash your throat scared" or "Chainsaw your girlfriend scared." Even last night as we tried to down a bottle of 'lunesta' and repeat to ourselves, "He's just an average college student," it didn't work. Thoughts of this guy made us wet the bed. Though we're a bit distressed, we hope you've been enjoying the tournament.

Is there any doubt this person has killed several people and buried them near our house? And he'll strike again, you can be sure of it.

MORE CHEERLEADING NEWS: (Jockweb is proud to be the #1 in Cheerleader coverage!)

U of Florida Sophomore confesses: I'm in Cheerleading to Meet Girls  ("He's a big dufass!" claims Senior Brandy Tailgate)

GAINESVILLE, FL - Sophomore Brian Markus has a secret.  He's not fanatical about Gator's athletics or the University of Florida in general.  "I'm just here to meet hot girls," confesses Markus. "I get to hang out with pretty girls in short skirts. I even get to grab their thighs and lift them over my heads and look up their skirts." Markus accepts that he is not attractive and is hoping that his proximity to these scantily clad women will eventually pay off.

Even before learning his secret, the other gator Cheerleaders were not thrilled with Markus. "He is creepy!" says Senior Cheer Captain Brady Tailgate. "I saw him carry a drill into the locker room and said to me 'see you soon'.  When he lifts me his palms are always sweaty and his fingers roam, if you know what I mean."  Other cheerleaders concur.  "It's so sad to hear him cry himself to sleep at night," said roommate Chad Levington, also a cheerleader. "But he comes off as so desperate and he tries so hard I don't even feel sorry for him anymore."

"He needs a hooker or something," says freshman Stacy Webber. "He's asked me out like 100 times, when I say 'no', he asks if he can just rub against me.  Like, I want to throw up."

Markus remains undaunted.  "I'm going to keep trying.  Even eggs get laid once."
 

Markus, "Hey do you go to Florida too?"                                                Brandy Tailgate (pictured left) has repeatedly asked Levington to keep Markus away from her.

Cheerleader Becomes Sick During Game; Does Not Lose Spirit

WASHINGTON, DC - Much like the spirit of the Southern Illinois cheerleader  who continued making cheer-like gestures despite breaking her neck, Illinois sophomore cheerleader Trisha Gamble would not let an upset stomach ruin her day.  "I had a tummy ache," says Gamble.  "I had to make a fast trip to the little girl's room.  I still felt yucky."

"I wanted to keep cheering.  My teammates wanted everyone to know how brave I was, so they made this little sign for me to hold up."  Gamble was taken to the hospital after the game where she was treated for food poisoning and was later released with a sign reading 'Feeling A Little Better'.

Gamble said if Pepto Bismol has a school, she'd apply. "He's my little pink friend," said the perky Gamble.

THERE IS NO CRYING IN BASKETBALL? (Eric Tiltissue at-large)

Minneapolis -- There is no crying in basketball; or so the saying goes. BUT former NFL coach Dick Vermeil has made it fashionable to weep at any moment.

And now the pussy effect has spread to the basketball court. There is nothing like a 7-foot man balling his brains out in front of a national TV audience. And Dick Vermeil has shown the way for all.

Duke's J.J. Redick's eyes welled up after his team's eventual demise, this time at the hands of LSU. Gonzaga's Adam Morrison let it out all the way at the end of his team's huge choke against UCLA. (Actually, doesn't Morrison sort of look like a Mexican girl with a moustache and a really good 3 point shot?) You would think that these men had lost their dog or something.

Crying men may start finding their way into other parts of society where crying has never been the norm. Imagine negotiators at the United Nations weeping at the first suggestion that Iran will not drop its nuclear weapons program. Or Fidel Castro crying when his Cuban baseball team lost on the international stage. Even North Korea's Kim Jong II weeping over his starving people. Imagine Dick Cheney crying over anything.

Dick Vermeil has shown the way. Thanks Dick!

NEW AGE PUSSIFIED CRIERS. Kim Jong says, "Chicks dig my sensitive side."

JAPAN CELEBRATES WBC VICTORY OVER CUBA BY GOING TO DISNEYRAND

Tokyo-- Japanese baseball fans erupted in a crazed celebration in downtown Tokyo after the Japanese team defeated Cuba in the finals of the World Baseball Classic.

Japanese celebrated throughout the night with their traditional beverage, sake, and lots of Tom Jones karaoke.

The Japanese government announced a national holiday and Japanese slugger Horito Toyota announced, "We're going Disneyrand." Disney Inc. announced that they would immediately acquired sparse available land in Japan and hastily construct "Disneyrand."

 "You gotta figure a Disney theme park in Japan is gonna kill," said Disney exec Harry Smallwarl. In what could be the most understated comment in all of journalistic history, Smallwarl added, "It's just a casual observation, but I think the Japanese like visiting Disneyland and Disneyworld. And could we do any worse than DisneyEurope?"

Disney said they will get down to serious planning after the Japanese national erections where Japanese will vote for a new Prime Minister.

A Japanese karaoke singer belts out the old Tom Jones standard, "What's New Pussyrat?"

TENNESSEE WOMEN'S DUNK TRUTH REVEALED

Knoxville, TN -- Reports about Tennessee women's basketball star Candice Parker dunking twice in a game proved false. Jockweb's film analyst Federicos Phellini reviewed the tape from the game and found the video to be altered by computer editing.

The NCAA announced that Parker set a record as the first woman to dunk twice in a basketball game. Phellini's begs to differ. "I watch the tape over and over, and yes, she did dunk twice but of course, it was a nerf basketball and the game was videotaped in her dorm room, and it was against her roommate. Someone superimposed the nerf dunk into a basketball game."

Phellini suspects that it was a joint conspiracy between ESPN and the NCAA to boost ratings. "If the audience is forced to look at Pat Summit's miserable puss for an hour, you better have some acrobatic basketball in between, " said ESPN director Faye Flammer. "If you can't have women playing naked, then dunking is the next best thing to draw a male demographic."

For the record, Parker won the dorm room game and her roommate has to make her bed for a week.
Parker asked if it could be possible that she was the love child of Spurs guard Tony Parker and Eva Longoria. "Wouldn't they be great parents to have?"

DYSLEXIC STUDENTS THROWN OUT OF ARENA FOR PROFANITY

Atlanta, GA -- Two dyslexic students were removed from security at an NCAA tournament game for public profanity. Josh Guilden and Wally Wabash, two college sophomores were asked to leave the arena for what tournament officials are calling "a public display of hateful speech."

Guilden and Wabash painted what amounted to be an "offensive expression" on their bodies. Security was immediately alerted when a nun of the opposite side of the court caught on to the two rowdy sophs. Sister Agatha Christie, an 87 year old Carmelite basketball fan, explained, "I've been around the block a few times and I know depravity when I see it. Those boys deserve to have their testicles put in a vice."

The boys played down the nun's complaint by saying, "What's the big deal? "C" and "K" were hung over and didn't show up." School officials mentioned that both Guilden and Wabash were in a special reading program and cannot be held responsible. "Wabash wrote a paper the other day on Huckelbarry Hound by Tark Mwain."

Both boys hired attorneys and will pursue legal relief under the Americans with Disabilities Act.

Is that dyslexic student on far right is giving the "finger" to the camera?

Jockweb's Al Krumlish Approached to Replace Paul Tagliabue

NEW YORK, NY - Al Krumlish, best known for insightful and in depth responses to childrens' letters on the web site Jockweb.com has been asked to consider replacing NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue upon his retirement this June.  "We really wanted Condaleeza," says NFL spokesman Hank Darrish.  "But apparently the President has some compromising pictures of her, or something to that effect, so she can't get out of her current contract."

"I flattered," said Krumlish from his North Jersey home. "To think that a one time accused child molester could one day run the NFL gives hope to just about everyone."  Krumlish added for the record that he was just helping that little boy get home from a soccer match. 

Not everyone was pleased with the offer. "What the fudge?" asked NFL Player representative Gene Upshaw. "I know homeless people more damn qualified than Krumlish.  That fat bastard couldn't manage a Taco Bell.  He won't survive in the NFL." Upshaw and others point to Krumlish's failures as a little league manager, soccer coach, and maestro of the Phoenix Orchestra. They give little credit for his work with the U.N. or his orchestration of U.S. involvement in Iraq.

Krumlish says he will have his decision to the NFL by the end of April. As for the criticism, Krumlish asks his doubters to "bite me!".
 

We're proud of Jockweb's contribution to the search for a new NFL commissioner. Way to go AL!

PHILADELPHIA 76ers ASK ASK FAVOR FROM DALLAS COWBOYS

Philadelphia -- On the heals of the signing of ex-Philadelphia Eagle, Terrell Owens, by the Dallas Cowboys, the Philadelphia 76ers basketball team asked the Cowboy management for an additional favor.

Sixers GM Billy King asked Cowboy owner Jerry Jones, "Do you think you could take Allen Iverson, too?" King said this was a great opportunity for both organizations. "Imagine the synergy and marketing opportunities with T.O. and A.I. on the same team," said the excited King.

Jones is said to be considering the offer. "You know me, I just love helping troubled athletes find their way," said Jones. "To me it's all about helping people and I believe deeply in T.O.'s innate goodness. He's going to thrive in the warm, caring atmosphere of the Dallas Cowboys." Iverson thinks the idea is a good one. When asked about his feelings on the matter, Iverson responded, "No one give a damn about A.I. or respect me none. I ain't get no respect. If ain't no one specting me and I ain't specting them. It ain't about money it's about respecting me as a man. Did I mention that I ain't gettin enough respect?"

T.O. echoed A.I.'s respect theme with his comment, "I ain't get no respect. If ain't no one specting me and I ain't specting them. It ain't about the money it's about respecting me as a man."

We couldn't agree more on the importance of Respect!

Two fans did not request compensation.

ONLY SIX SCHOOLS LEFT OUT OF POST-SEASON, DECIDE TO HAVE THEIR OWN TOURNEY

Atlanta -- Between the hundreds and hundreds college basketball programs, only six schools failed to make it to a post season tournament.  Of the 1,000 colleges and universities with basketball programs, 996 are playing in some post-season tournament.

The six schools: Star Jones School of Agriculture and Mining, Murray Steak University, Sushi Culinary College, Blitzer Tech, Strayer On-Line University, and the Anna Nicole College of Striptease Arts failed to win a basketball game all season and therefore were not invited to partake in any of the huge financial payouts which is college basketball.

In order to showcase their programs and build institutional pride the six schools will be playing in the Shamed and Hardup Invitational Tournament or SHIT. The SHIT will take place this weekend and will run up against the NCAA, the NIT, PTC, MTA, KKK, the women's NCAA and NIT, the SCC, SEC, FDA, and the DDT. "We just want to play somewhere," said Star Jones A&M president, Star Jones. "I'm down to a size 22 and I want to see some hoops." Strayer University president Ray Gigahoot said, "You know we can do this whole post-season thing on-line. Teams can just play from the comfort of their own computer."

 Murray Steaks of Murray Steaks University announced that sirloin was on sale this week for $3.99 a pound.

A proud family member of an Anna Nicole College of Striptease Arts team displays some terrific school spirit.

AN NCAA MOMENT:

Tournament Game Stopped To Allow for Muslim Prayer

Atlanta -- The NCAA announced that it would interrupt all of the 2006 tournament games to allow for a prayer.

"We're just a bit more sensitive then we used to be," said tournament director Sheika Al-Maquire. "There's plenty of room for people with diverse backgrounds and faith to enjoy a little hoops and a little God."

Approximately 50 students kneeled at half-court during a TV time out and chanted praises for about ninety seconds. "We just asked that God bring us more three pointers," said student Ted Tacken. "I'm a Baptist but when we went cold in the first half, I became a Muslim. You know, it's not a bad idea to kneel and pray five times a day. A few billion Muslims can't be all wrong. And besides, if I get to heaven and see God looks like Yassir Arafat, I want to make sure I've got some good will."

Catholics from Gonzaga, Boston College, Georgetown, and Villanova immediately protested the prayer group as an unfair advantage and requested a technical foul be called. Reverend Barney Frankenberry demanded that he be allowed to celebrate Mass during the halftime of the Georgetown-Ohio State game. Frankenberry was granted his request but his sermon was cut short for a Budweiser commercial.

Students facing toward Mecca during the Bucknell-Memphis game.

WHAT REALLY HAPPENED DURING THE SAN DIEGO BOMB SCARE

(Jockweb's crack, investigative reporter Eric Tiltissue went undercover to get us this report)

San Diego -- The opening game of the NCAA tournament at San Diego State University was delayed for 70 minutes last Thursday, due to a bomb scare.

However, bomb-sniffing dogs gave a false positive when sniffing what was supposedly bomb making materials. Apparently, bomb materials smell like ass. Given that, it can be fairly easy for canines to get confused between a bomb and ass.

When, lead hound sniffing dog, Barkley, was asked what he smelled, he explained, "It could have been a bomb or John Chaney's ass in the building, I couldn't take that chance, so I had to pull the alarm. I'm a dog, this is my job. I can't get rattled by the whole terrorist thing. For chrissakes, a bomb pales to an angry old man with a rolled up newspaper in his hands." Barkley's handler looked on and responded, "Dumb mutt."

ATF (Alcohol, Firearms, and Tobacco) agent, Smokey Winston said, "There's a real chink in our security armor if we're caught between this bomb and ass thing. Certainly dogs are talented enough for sophisticated police work but you always have to account for the 'ass and hump factor.' "

Barkley on the scene, "That's a bomb, wait a minute, that might be ass...oh yeah, that's definitely ass."

Editor's note:

Even more upsetting, Eric had Iona going to the Final Four and they have completely killed his bracket.

PICTURE OF THE DAY:  Villanova Guard Allen Ray Makes Speedy Recovery from Eye Injury

Pictured above is Senior Villanova guard Allen Ray shown days after his painful eye injury that forced him out of the Big East Conference Tournament. Ray has been improving every day and has been able to participate in the NCAA Tournament.

Cuba to Play Japan in WBC Final; US to Play With Themselves

SAN DIEGO, CA - "It can't be baseball without America participating," said MLB spokesman Michael Morro.  "We will be involved in some capacity."  Morro is referring to the fact that the US team has been eliminated from the World Baseball Classic, an event the Americans were supposed to win easily.  "No US means no interest locally, no ratings and therefore no money."

A compromise was reached on Monday allowing the defeated US team to play amongst themselves while Japanese businessmen and the Hispanic community watched Cuba take on Japan for the unofficial title.

"The camera will be pointed mostly at Derrick Jeter's private region - something most baseball fans like to see.  After Cuba and Japan stop playing, we will announce the US as the winner."  Morro also added that this is the way the president wants it, and adds that although there were no weapons of mass destruction, the invasion of Iraq was still the right decision.

Pictured: Even the Cubans are bored without the US around

For years, many have wondered, both silently and aloud what is a Canuck exactly? The term "Canuck" has come to the forefront because of the popularity of the Vancouver hockey franchise known as the 'Canucks'.  Jockweb's crack investigative team of Marshall and Penny have uncovered the horrible truth: "Canuck" is a slang term for "Canadian", or someone from Canada.

"I scared my kids for years with that one," said Little Rock, Arkansas resident Lyle Bogart.  "I used to tell them that the Boogeyman had team up with a Canuck and was looking for bad children.  Guess I can't use that one anymore." Bogart added that his children were 21 and 18, so stories of scary monsters had lost impact, anyway. 

"My goodness," said Marge Applebee of Butte, Montana.  "I always thought a Canuck was another name for a tire.  You know, like 'I have a flat Canuck', or 'put 4 new Canucks on my car, please', or 'boy, once a Canuck starts burning, it's hard to put it out'."  Applebee insisted that her familiarity with using the term Canuck as meaning tire, it will be hard for her to change.  "I'll probably always put Canucks on my car."

Please join us next week for part 2 of our Exclusive Investigation series:  What the hell is a Hoya?

"When I think of scary and Canuck, I dream of this guy or girl," said Lyle Bogart.

MARCH MADNESS: BATMAN UNABLE TO FEND OFF HOARD, ROBIN TRAMPLED TO DEATH

Batman was unable to subdue a crowd of unruly fans during a regional game this weekend in Atlanta. Students became frenzied when "Darla the Face Painter" announced that she would be doing free face painting for all kids under 7.

Students became agitated when told of the age cutoff and demanded that Darla paint everyone in the arena. The famed team of Batman and Robin responded to Darla's plea for help after several students tied her up and stole her paint.

Batman, who for some reason, never carries a gun and on top of that, doesn't appear to be intimidating, failed to subdue the hostile crowd. Fans turned on Robin, just on general principle, because he's not really essential to the story line.

NCAA Women's Basketball to experiment in 2007 with 'Artistic Impression'

Stamford, CT - Women's basketball is about to get a lot fancier. Taking a page from the majority of women's Olympic sports, womens' college basketball will feature judges to award points in addition to points awarded for baskets.

 "Say a guard makes a lay up," explains Gertrude Levy of the NCAA. "In the past, it's 2 points.  Starting in 2007, that same lay up could be worth anywhere from 2.0 to 3.0 points, depending on factors such as form, style and artistic impression."  The idea comes from the popularity of women's sports such as figure skating and gymnastics, where judges, not real scoring, decides who wins a contest.  "It's like high school again, where the cutest and most popular usually wins unless she falls,"  added Levy.

Judges will award points after each possession.  There will be a 30 second delay each time the ball changes hands to tally the judges points.  The NCAA isn't worried about losing the audience because of these delays. John Leya of ESPN explains. "While the game will slow down a bit, we will still keep the lesbian viewership that is the backbone of women's athletics. We're hoping to gain suburban housewives and teenage boys who are so eager to watch women's gymnastics by bringing an element of style and appearance to women's basketball."  Leya went on to detail how the game will change, "Let's say that you have a team that can't put the ball in the basket. But similar to gymnasts, they are very cute and perky and move with grace. They could score enough style points to win anyway. Isn't that exciting?" 

NCAA's Levy would not confirm if regular basketball uniforms would continue to be worn, or if the women will switch to tights or skaters miniskirts.

Baltimore Ravens Sign Corpse of Johnny Unitas

Baltimore, MD - The Baltimore Ravens wasted little time in the 2006 free agency period to grab an experienced back up quarterback. 

"It's so important to have a back up with experience in case your #1 goes down," said GM Ozzie Newsome after announcing the signing of Johnny Unitas.

 "Despite being deceased, Unitas has the skills and experience we're looking for to help bring us to the next level if called upon to play."  When asked if the 'previously living' status, that Unitas has been tagged with, will effect his chances, Newsome responded that, "Kyle Boller has been a stiff for three years and Unitas couldn't possibly be much worse. Besides, Unitas' salary doesn't go against the cap."

Newsome added,   "And Unitas seems to have some history in this town." Ravens fan Fuzzy Furst asked the question, "Dead Johnny U or live Kyle B? We'll place our bets on old #19."

Unitas posing at the Ravens press conference.

RICK TOCCHET'S OFFICE POOL TAKING A HIT

Phoenix -- Phoenix Coyotes assistant coach Rick Tocchet announced that "my NCAA office pool is in shambles." Tocchet said he stands to lose over $500,000 because, "I had Iowa and Michigan State going to the Elite Eight."

Tocchet added, "I'm hoping for a recovery on Saturday. I admit, Southern upsetting Duke was a long shot but I almost made it up with my Albany over Connecticut pick."

All told Tocchet collected over seven million dollars in bets for the NCAA tournament and said although he's a little worried he's going to have to lay some of this money off, "NCAA office pools are really good for company morale. I just didn't expect the employees to place millions with me. It's a pretty rich office, heh?"

Employees who joined the pool are hoping that Tocchet can pay off. Secretary Wendy Kinsel said, "We just just think Rick is a great guy to bet with and he's always paid off before. The only drawback is that if we win, for some reason we have to go to New Jersey to collect from Rick's friend, Carmine."

Tocchet and the Coyote management staff. Tocchet added, "Every office ought to have a  poo, it  keep everyone loose." loose, and we never bet on hockey."

Syracuse Men's Basketball Team Arrested for Fraud

SYRACUSE, NY - Moments after stepping off a plane that was returning them to campus, the Syracuse men's basketball team were arrested for fraud.

 Led by coach Jim Boeheim and senior guard Gerry McNamara, the Orangemen lost in the NCAA tournament's opening round to 12th seed Texas A&M less than a week after winning the Big East Conference Tournament.

 "Obviously, this team was a fraud," said Syracuse Deputy Police Commissioner Brad Dilworth.  "Hopes got up around here. A first round loss not only brought them crashing down, but the District Attorney decided criminal charges should be brought."

At worst, the team will be charged with misdemeanor fraud and petty theft.  Although no jail time is faced, the message has been sent according to Dilworth.  "If the Big East keeps losing, we're going to lock them all up. Oh and did I say Gerry McNamara is overrated?"

Point guard Gerry McNamara said" that seven games in ten days really aged me but hey how do you like my hair grown out?"

LARRY BROWN AND STEPHON MARBURY MAKE UP, SORT OF, LIKE NO

New York -- Temperamental point guard and temperamental coach met and made up. At least that's what they said. Here's what was said:

Marbury, "He (Larry Brown) told me he could do whatever he want with this franchise and that he don't want to trade me. He flexed a real hard juice card. He don't scare me."
 

Brown, "I told him, I like the way he cheers for his teammates. He sucks at point guard but he's a hellava cheerleader. Better the A.I. actually."

Now we're not absolutely positive but if these two were a married couple, wouldn't one be sleeping on the couch? Where's the make up part? And please, can someone translate for us, what is "flexing a real hard juice card?" Could Larry Brown flex anything and if indeed he flexed a hard juice card, where would the juice come from? If you can shed light on the "flexing the juice card" idea, would you please contact us?

JOCKWEB READER SOUNDS OFF

Bratislavic Slovenicvic wants to know:

Why no Lithuanian and Yugoslavian school in NCAA tournament?

Bratislavic says that because "you know we kik you ass. We play basketball better you. We take over NBA. We take over sneaker deal. Look like yankee boy afraid. Go get big boy and try to take gold medal from us. Big joke, yankee boy. Who big name in NCAA? Winthrop? Oral Robert? OOOOOH we scared you? I no think so. Basketball? We own yankee ass.

FBI ANNOUNCES, "TERRORIST UNLIKELY TO STRIKE AT BAY HILL CLASSIC"

Bay Hill-- The FBI announced today that it is unlikely that there will be a terrorist attack at this week's Bay Hill Classic in Bay Hill, Florida.

Our sources tell us that there has been no terrorist activity near or around the vicinity of the golf course. Law enforcement has long been concerned about terrorists striking at a major sporting event but not at a golf tournament.

"We think a golf tournament might just be the safest place to hide from a terrorist," said regional FBI director, Efram Zimbelist, Jr. "We're so confident that we're putting up a code Pink around Bay Hill. All pastel colors associated with golf reflect a zero level of terrorist activity."

There was a scare earlier in the week when a elderly man was following Ernie Els and Retief Goosen with what appeared to be a suspicious backpack. "Turn out he was a 82 year old retiree from Minneapolis with an oxygen tank," explained Zimbelist.

Two easy going golf fans on their way to watch the Bay Hill Classic.

Soccer becomes #1, Followed by Little League and PeeWee Football

Soccer has taken over as the top sport played by 8-10 year olds according to the most recent AP Poll.  Little League Baseball, formerly #1 has dropped to #2, and PeeWee Football has fallen off the chart.  "I chalk this up to the pussification of America's youth," said youth sports director Al Krumlish.  "Mom's don't want their precious little angels getting hurt, and you almost can't get hurt playing soccer."  Football is out of the question according to Krumlish because of the manly nature of the game and the fact that Mom's have too much power at home.  "I'll be damned if my boy would be allowed to run around some gay field kicking some gay ball chased by a bunch of gay kids.  Not unless he could pick up that ball and run for a touchdown after throwing a vicious straight arm or two."  Krumlish added that we were all a bunch of pussies.

CONGRESS TO MAKE STEROIDS MANDATORY BY 2010

Washington -- The Congressional Committee that oversees professional sports passed legislation today which make steroid use compulsory for all major league baseball players, effective January 1, 2010.

Congressman and committee chairperson Ted "Huge" Kennedy said, "Baseball without steroids is inconceivable. It's like America and apple pie without vanilla ice cream."

Baseball observers say that congress had to take action. "Steroids in baseball is the only logical way we can keep interest in the game," said Jockweb baseball writer Winky Lid. "Seriously, we can't take the home run out of the game. Who's going to want to watch 22 singles hitters?"

Senator Kennedy added, "This steroid investigative stuff is cutting into my bimbo hunting time. I say let them have their injections so I can have my erections."

Kennedy has long been suspected of steroid use.

JOCKWEB NCAA TOURNEY TIPS

Jockweb Expert LENNY PUTZO Picks the Brackets: 

LENNY SAYS: It seems that if you take the team with the lower number, you have a better chance of winning.  For instance, our extensive research has uncovered that #1 seeds typically defeat #16 seeds.  As those numbers get closer, say a #8 playing a #9, the odds are a little closer.  I traditionally do much better by picking lower numbers than my previous method of picking which was based on the this unbelievably expensive statistical computer program I bought but couldn't figure out the f$%^in thing and I put it on my credit card and by the time the bill came in the f%&*in tournament was over and you should of heard my wife bitch about that credit card bill and the next thing you know she moves in with the guy who pumps heating oil into our house and that ain't all he's pumping, you know what I mean and another thing about that sophisticated program, it didn't run on my Commodore 64 computer, what the frig is that all about? Anyway my new system oughta work pretty damn good.

AUTISTIC BASKETBALL PLAYER LANDS JOB IN THE WHITE HOUSE

New York -- Jason McElwain, the autistic basketball team manager, who became famous for scoring six 3-point shots in a game last week, has taken a position in the Bush Adminstration.

President Bush visited McElwain during a swing through western New York where he talked about Medicare. McElwain was asked which was more exciting, meeting the President or knocking down six threes? McElwain responded, "To tell you the truth, knocking down six beers and birddogging babes beats the President and basketball together."

The President said that he liked, "McElwain's spunk and his ability to play defense." He  immediately replaced Donald Rumsfeld with McElwain as Secretary of Defense. One hour later Bush blamed his entire failed Iraq invasion on McElwain saying, "I should have never listened to the autistic kid." McElwain, unsurprisingly, did not respond. Later McElwain did express interest in filling up the water bottles and getting back to the bench as team manager.

"Being manager is lots of fun, and everyone likes me. Being Secretary of Defense is fun too. You get to play with bombs and kill lots of people but I'll be damned if Bush is going to use me as another autistic scapegoat. I had lousy intelligence and Bush has none."

Fox Announces New Series: Thugging With the Stars

New York --In the same vein of "Dancing and Skating with Stars," the Fox Network has announced "Thugging with the Stars."

Fox promises an All-Star lineup of celebrities who are amateur criminals doing what they like to do best.  Celebrities such as Marcus Vick, Maurice Clarett, and former OSU basketball coach Eddie Sutton will be matched with real street hoodlums from East LA, and be given booze and weapons.

The celebrities must commit street crimes and impress a panel of experts including a sympathetic woman, an ethnic stereotype and a gay Brit,  to earn votes as the best amateur celebrity street criminal. 

 "We're excited about this," says Fox owner Rupert Murdoch.  "As long as no one pops a cap in my arse..."  The series will be hosted by NBA star Allen Iverson and will feature interviews by Weird Harold formerly of the 70's TV series Fat Albert.

A picture of some really scary, suburban thugs. Fox said that due to ratings concerns, suburban thugs will not be allowed to participate.

NCAA TOURNAMENT UPDATE: UTAH POSTAL WORKER DUPED IN OFFICE POOL

Salt Lake City-- A Salt Lake City postal worker is holding an entire post office hostage after he discovered that co-workers had him fill out the 2005 bracket for the office pool.

Jockweb reporter Sid Knotvicious was in the post office at the time of the hostage takeover. Through his cell phone he has been able to communicate with us and give us a moment by moment account of the incident.

JW: Sid, first of all are you okay?

SK: Come on, these beserk postal workers are so routine, it's almost a cliche.

JW: Almost?

SK: At first, we thought he was just a pissed off Morman back from an evangelization trip. But then people quickly realized, it was all about the tournament.

JW: What exactly happened?

SK: It appears it started as a joke. The postal worker (he identifies himself as Mr. P.) wanted to be part of the office NCAA pool. He was given as 2005 bracket sheet and plunked $2,500 down on North Carolina to go all the way. Several workers didn't want to tell him that the 2006 bracket was released on Sunday. They thought the $2500 would be easy pickings. Mr. P heard a few co-workers snickering behind his back, and immediately became paranoid that people were conspiring behind his back and aliens were going to abduct him to Pluto. Usual postal worker crazy stuff.

JW: So he took everyone hostage?

SK: Yeah, he's a got a hunting rifle.

JW: What do youi think he'll do if he finds out that the 2006 bracket is out?

SK: We're all kind of rooting for a young North Carolina team to surprise a few people.

JW: Good luck with that.

SK: Absolutely. By the way, just divide up all the stuff from my desk among yourselves.

JW: Will do.

7'6" FEMALE CHINESE BASKETBALL PLAYER UP FOR ADOPTION

Beijing- A 7'6" Chinese women's basketball player is being adopted by an American couple.

Ri Li Tau, an extremely gifted basketball player, was recently placed in an orphanage. Her father, Wang Lo Wi, explained, "In China, we only allow have one child. We want boy no girl. I no luck. I got tall girl. No Yao Ming. Just tall girl. No money tall girl." The Chinese government has a mandatory one child per family policy.

The American couple, Lou and Ginny Baxter, said they've been wanting a little girl for years. "Okay so she's 7'6" but she still our little girl," said the beaming new dad. "We've got to exchange the baby clothes."

Shaquille O'Neal agreed to help the Baxters by donating a bag of his old suits. "That's one big bitch," said the Heat center.

The Baxters immediately signed Ri Li up for a dance class. "We always wanted a little ballerina and Ri Li is just going to love her first dance recital after we get her feet unbound," said Mrs. B.

TEAM USA ON SUICIDE WATCH AFTER LOSS TO TEAM CANADA

Team USA has been indefinitely placed under a group suicide watch after its' loss to Team Canada in the inaugural World Baseball Classic.

"This could go on for years," said team psychiatrist Dr. Mort Bluestine. "In the eyes of their countrymen, they're a national disgrace and truthfully, suicide isn't a bad option."

Manager Buck Maritinez has been extra careful by padlocking the lid to the gatorade cooler. "Thirty cups of gatorade would do the trick and I'm all in favor of the idea. Mabye we can hitch a ride on a comet with Marshall Appelwhite."

A Team Canada spokesperson explained that there were only three Canadians who played baseball. "It wasn't easy talking people into playing baseball but now everyone is so happy, we're thinking of putting a team in Montreal."

USA player Alex Rodriguez commented, "Wow, I'm just glad I'm Dominican, I'm off the hook."

The Reverend Jim Jones was once quoted as saying, "There are no Canadians playing baseball on the other side."

Confession from University of Southern Illinois: Cheerleader did Wrong Cheer

SPRINGFIELD, IL - Southern Illinois cheerleader Kristi Yamaoka (no relation to the figure skater) was dropped on her head during a basketball time out on March 8.  Despite having head trauma and a broken neck vertebra, Yamaoka commenced cheerleader-like arm motions as the band began to play the fight song. "Everytime we hear that fight song, and they play it over and over at all the games, our coach has us dance because it keeps the crowd going," she said. "So as soon as I heard it, I figured the rest of my squad was probably doing the fight song and I'm still part of the squad so I had to do my thing."  explained Yamaoka.

The dance from the stretcher encouraged all that were watching that she was fine.  Except Fran Dunbar, staff advisor to the cheerleaders of Southern Illinois.  "She did it all wrong," said Dunbar.  "Aside from the fact that she was supposed to be standing, the left hand should never come in contact with the left hip, the right arm was straight practically throughout, I counted about 10 mistakes.  Frankly, I think she was doing the wrong cheer."  When asked if Yamaoka did the right thing by attempting to do the cheer while strapped down, Dunbar told Jockweb that it probably wasn't the smartest thing to do.  "...but hey - if she was smart she wouldn't have settled on Southern Illinois, now would she?"

No one on the southern Illinois staff would confirm that the spotter was from Hawaii and still a little miffed about Pearl Harbor.

SIU cheerleaders later tried to throw Yamaoka from a rock. Witnesses say she landed on her head, and began doing the Notre Dame fight song.

TERRELL OWENS TRADED TO DENVER AND THEN QUICKLY TRADED BACK

Denver-- Troubled receiver Terrell Owens was traded yesterday by the Philadelphia Eagles to the Denver Broncos but the trade only lasted two minutes.

Owens became a Bronco at 9am on Friday but was traded back at 9:02am. Coach Mike Shanahan explained, "It didn't take long for Owens to disrupt our locker room. Even though no one is here because it's the off-season, that didn't stop Terrell."

Apparently, several Broncos stopped talking to one another after Owens asked, "How come I'm not getting the ball more?" Owens criticized QB Jake Plummer and commented that "We'll never win without Brett Favre."

Shanahan said he had had enough of Owens and that "it was the longest two minutes of my life." Eagles President Joe Banner said, "We're happy to have Terrell back as an Eagle, just to break balls."

Jake Plummer broke down on ESPN and said Owens comments are, "black on white crime."

UCONN'S CALHOUN DEMANDS BIG EAST TOURNAMENT BE STOPPED

New York-- University of Connecticut basketball coach stepped to a podium yesterday at Madison Square Garden and demanded that the Big East post-season tournament be stopped.

"You can't go on without us, it's as simple as that," Calhoun ranted. "Come on, who wants to watch an overrated Gerry McNamara shoot threes against Pitt? There's gonna be about ten people watching the final and we're stuck looking at Jim Boeheim's ugly, whiney puss."

Tournament officials agreed after second ranked Villanova lost. "Not only is everyone tired of seeing Gerry McNamara beating everyone, there's scientific evidence supporting the fact the ratings go down when the audience has to look at Jim Boeheim.," said a Big East spokesperson.

Boeheim let go a string of expletives at his press conference saying "People say I'm a f^&*%$* cheatin whiner but I say f$%^'em. A lot of chicks really dig me and when I talk really tough, they get hot."

Boeheim claims, "I've been working out and had a hair transplant. I can get ratings, believe me."

SOUTH AFRICANS NEARLY MISS GAME IN WBC

Phoenix -- The South African Baseball team arrived late for their opening game in Phoenix due to a transportation error.

The team arrived on Monday at Phoenix's Sky Harbor International Airport for a transfer to Scottsdale Stadium. According to transportation officials, there was a misunderstanding as the team flag was mistaken for a transfer card. A bus was waiting to take them to Scottsdale but the team was inadvertently taken to a train station after the flight.

However, there is no train service or train stations in the vicinity of Scottsdale. The team sat in the train station for several hours chewing gum and passing around one dirty magazine.

"Being late sucks, but it beats the hell out of being in South Africa any day," said team captain and shortstop Nelson Winnie Mandela. "Things could be worse, we could be beaten as political prisoners. I spent years in prison, so a little delay at a train station ain't exactly what I call hard times."

Mandela added, "You wanna see hard times, watch our baseball team. We've never played baseball before but it was a chance to get out of South Africa and mabye get to Disney World."

A round trip ticket from Johannesburg to Phoenix costs 10,000,000,000,000 rand or $10,000,000. "With prices like that, we try to play a lot of home games," Mandela said.

SUBMITTED BY: Eric Tiltissue...thanks Erictil

NCAA PASSES NEW EMERGENCY RULE FOR TOURNEY

Indianapolis-- The NCAA rules committee met yesterday in an emergency session to vote on a new rule that will take place in this year's March tournament.

"From here on it will be a technical foul if you block a shot with a third appendage," said head referee Lance Longfellow. The rule is in response to numerous complaints that players are using their genitalia (see picture below) as part of a defensive strategy. "It's just too dangerous," added Longfellow. "When players are above the rim, someone's gonna get an eye poked out with someone else's poker."

Texas Tech coach Bobby Knight, long a proponent of the "Peckerhead" defense, said, "I say we let them play. Use any part of the body to stop the other team from scoring. The only dick we should be worried about is Myles Brand."

POLICE BUST METH LAB IN BUD SELIG'S BASEMENT

Milwaukee-- Police raided the home of MLB commissioner Bud Selig where they confiscated large quantities of methamphetamines intended for the street market.

Selig, long suspected by law enforcement as being a major player in the lucrative midwest meth trade, said, "These are just some things I take to help with my Attention Deficit Disorder."

However, police tell a different story which portrays Selig as a ruthless, cold-hearted dealer who will "stop at nothing to preserve his drug empire." An officer who wished to remain anonymous said that Selig heads a major motorcycle gang which has meth labs throughout the major U.S. markets. "This guy looks like a harmless, nebbish nerd, but in truth he's harming our youngest, most vulnerable baseball players."

Selig maintains his innocence and said that the Harley Davidson in his driveway belongs to his wife. "She likes to put the colors on and cruise with 20 or so bikers but that's not my bag."

Mrs. Bud Selig commented to Jockweb, "So what, I drive fast, live fast, and push the envelope a bit."

CHEERLEADER FALLS ON HEAD, DESTROYS SPELLING ABILITY

TENNESSEE BASKETBALL PLAYERS BUY CRACK FOR COACH

Knoxville. -- Tennessee basketball players Anthony Passley and Jordan Smith were charged with possession of crack cocaine and suspended indefinitely from the team but head coach, Bruce Pearl said it was just "all a big old misunderstanding."

Passley, a redshirt transfer, and Smith, a walk-on, were arrested early Sunday, Knoxville police spokesman Darrell DeBusk said Monday. But Pearl said the whole incident is "completely my fault."

It seems that during a pre-game pep talk Pearl screamed at the players, "Let's crack the top 25," but the players thought he said, "Let's get 25 grams of crack.".

Police officers found 15.2 grams of crack cocaine in the car and charged the pair with possession for resale, but later said, "We completely understand. These are good young fellers, who just want to play some basketball. About ten more grams would have cracked the 25 mark."

Coach Pearl said that, "I appreciate the boys listening to me and I appreciate the crack cocaine. Coach Pat Summit and I like to unwind every chance we get with the pipe."

Official University of Tennessee crack available through University concessions.

ITALY WINS IN WBC AFTER LONG DELAYS

Italy won it's opening round game in the World Baseball Classic but only after over eight hours of lengthy delays caused by team infighting.

The Italian team, though loaded with talent, has had difficulty getting along on the field. "It's all about families and control," explained shortstop Sonny Corleone. There are several major families that control the Italian team and each family has staked out their own territory. Corleone further told Jockweb, "The Tataglia's want the outfield and a member of the Genoveses wanted to play centerfield. We had to have representatives of the seven families meet at the pitcher's mound and come to an understanding."

It was agreed that the Corleones would get the left side of the infield while the Bonnonnos got the right side. The Tataglias would get pitcher and catcher. The Gambinos got the concessions. But soon after the game began, members of several familiies began to argue about the arrangement. Several players mysteriously disappeared while several others were either shot or strangled with piano wire. Everything was sorted out by the fifth inning, and the Italians cruised to a 9-5 victory over the Russians.

Tournament officials say there aren't too many teams that can match the firepower of the Italians.

NEW 24 HOUR ALL-GOLF SATELLITE RADIO DEBUTS

New York -- Sirius Satellite Radio announced that they would now carry a 24 hour a day golf radio station.

A Sirius spokesperson told Jockweb "that you may want to call us crazy but we think there's a market for golf radio. If you think people can only enjoy being bored to shit watching it on television then wait until you hear on radio."

Sirius plans to have low speaking Englishmen narrate in low, soft comforting tones. "Our research has found that listening to people with British accents explain the drama of a two foot putt actually comforts the criminally insane," explained Dr. Dougie MacDougal from the Center for Audio Torture.

Federal authorities and military officials see the new channel has a real breakthrough in interrogation assistance. General Wesley West commented, "We just have to tell prisoners that they'll be forced to listen to golf on the radio and then we have them eating out of our hands. It's better than truth serum."

Golf radio broadcasts are said to have contributed to a national suicide trend. Experts ask that for your own safety that you don't drive and listen to Golf Radio.

TENNIS LEGEND BORG FAILS AT SWEDISH MEATBALL VENTURE

Stockholm -- Swedish tennis great Bjorn Borg will auction off five Wimbledon trophies and two of his rackets after being forced into bankruptcy as a result of a failed business venture.

Borg is said to have lost a substantial sum of money on cereal business. "Bjorn's Balls" was a breakfast cereal that fared poorly in consumer testing. "BB's" was a freezed dried product which had the taste and consistency of Swedish meatballs.

Borg said, "BB's are really tasty with milk." Unfortunately, the public hated the product and Borg lost millions in the business experiment.

He hopes to fetch a large six figure sum from his trophy auction. "I'm sure someone would love to pay a $100,000 for a Wimbledon trophy for their living room. They can even scratch my name off of it and put their own name on and call themselves the "Wimbledon Champion," Borg explained.

How about a nice bowl of "Bjorn's Balls" with milk for a hearty breakfast?

EDDIE SUTTON THROWN OUT OF FRAT PARTY

Stillwater -- Former Oklahoma State basketball coach and legend, Eddie Sutton, was thrown out of a college fraternity party on Saturday night and subsequently arrested by the campus police.

Sutton, who recently stepped down as head coach of the Cowboy basketball team, was belligerent and combative when asked to pay $10 for entry into the "all you can drink" party. The party was sponsored by the Alpha Alpha Omega fraternity. AAO is a fraternity of Christian athletes and the proceeds from the party are going to a local alcohol and drug rehabilitation center.

Witnesses say that Sutton refused to cough up the $10 cover charge and began screaming out, "Ten bucks for a keg of Natural light? Get the f#$% outta here with that bulls#$%."

Several fraternity brothers proceed to beat the daylights out of the former coaching legend. One fraternity brother said, "I never jumped a coaching legend before but I got a few good punches in."

Campus police broke up the melee and took Sutton to the local holding tank to dry out. Police chief, Bearly Able said, "It's just a routine night for old Eddie. We'll lock him up like Andy used to lock up Otis. And in the morning we'll let him go til next Saturday night."

Sutton commented that, "I don't miss coaching, got more time to garden."

YANKEES TO CELEBRATE HERITAGE THROUGH 2006 SEASON

New York -- The New York Yankees announced that they would plan several events throughout the 2006 season to celebrate the franchise's stellar history.

They will begin the season by having former manager Billy Martin throw out the first ball on opening day. Martin, who's been dead for years, will be dug up and dressed in Yankee pinstripes.

A Yankee front office spokesperson said, "He's a little more decayed than we expected but he still looks natural in pinstripes." Martin was a Yankee legend during his playing days and managed the team off and on several times while battling George Steinbrenner and alcohol.

Steinbrenner added, "We finally had to bury him cause it was the only was we could ensure his sobriety. He's really doing well since he's been in the ground. But it's going to be great to see Billy again, and have him throw the first ball out."

When asked how a dead man can throw out the first pitch, Steinbrenner remarked, "Oh, they can do some marvelous things with technology today."

Martin commented, "Death has suited me well but it's going to be fun to be back at Yankee Stadium."

FORMER PHILLIES CATCHER DARREN DAULTON PREDICTS END OF THE WORLD

Clearwater -- Former Phillies catcher and part-time metaphysical guru, Darren Daulton, has predicted that the world will come to an end.

"I'm not sure when but at some point the world will end," said Daulton. Daulton who follows carefully the ebb and flow of the ancient Mayan calendar added, "The Mayans lay all out for us. All you have to do is go to Borders and get a Mayan calendar and see for yourself. And while you're there, get an Aztec and Inca calendar too."

Daulton explained that ancient Indian civilizations were really into calendars. He explained, "The Mayans even had a swimsuit issue which ain't half bad."

As far as the end of the world coming, Daulton said, "It couldn't come too soon." The ex-major leaguer is said to be bankrupt, going through a nasty divorce, and he has been forced to sell personal items on eBay. "Try pushing a jockstrap that you wore in a '93 playoff game. It's been sitting out there for days. I tell you, things aren't good. But I've got a new book coming out. So on second thought, mabye we can push the end of the world back a few years."

According to Daulton, Mayans probably would have loved baseball. "They really liked sitting around in the hot sun being bored to death."

RATINGS SHOW LOW BLACK VIEWERS FOR OLYMPICS

New York -- The Neilsen Organization released its' ratings information on the 2006 Winter Olympics. The company announced that only three black persons watched the games during the entire Winter games.

Neilsen said that there is plus or minus 3 in their statistical calculation so that means that either no blacks watched or optimistically a maximum of 6 watched. Neilsen spokesperson Amiri Bakraka explained the findings. "We know for sure that Bryant Gumbel watched a little bit. We assume Shani Davis' mother watched him speedskate. And there was a night watchman who said he accidentally saw some of the coverage while passing a television set on his rounds."

NBC Olympic producer Bob White said, "We're going to have to do better in 2010. We're setting our goals to double our black viewers. Many would say these are not good ratings numbers but they are up 100% from the 2000 games."

Gregg Gumbel asked the question, "You mean I missed the Winter Olympics? Oh well."

REPORTER ERIC TILTISSUE IS BACK!

Ace Jockweb writer Eric Tiltissue is back from vacation. Scroll down if you want to get a good look at Eric from his vacation photos. Welcome back, all of you!

FoxNews report: Dale Earnhardt comeback to the NASCAR circuit is unlikely!
 
Daytona-- An amazing confidential report detailing Dale Eanhardt's fatal accident was released earlier today.  Earnhardt, father of NASCAR racer Dale Earnhardt Jr., could only drive an automatic.  This may have played part in his fatal 2001 accident at Daytona. Had he been able to downshift he may not have crashed into a wall and spared a fiery death. Cell phone use may have also contributed to the accident.
 
Dad couldn't drive stick. We were so embarrassed that this is one of the best-kept Earnhardt family secrets." explained Earnhardt Jr.  "Normally only chicks can't drive stick.  But I am proud to say dad never stopped to ask for directions.  That's a real man."
 
This may have to do with no right turns in NASCAR racing.
 
"Dad did always give a 110%.  He loved the world of racing, but a comeback just won't happen." Experts agree that not only is a comeback not going to happen. There goes that giving 110% thing again. Haven't we already determined that that is mathematically impossible?
Cheap women driving stick shift visual. Works though, huh?

NEW VIKINGS COACH CHILDRESS: "WHEN ARE WE GOING BOATING?"

Minneapolis -- Newly arriving Vikings head coach Brad Childress called his first official team meeting and asked, "Hey guys, when are we going boating?"

Childress was extremely disappointed when he heard the news that several Vikings players were appearing in court stemming from charges from the fall boat outing.

"Damn, Daunte promised I could steer boat with a nipple in my mouth," said the dejected Childress. " I like steering the boat and I like to have a nipple in my mouth but I've never done both at the same time," he added.

Adding to Childress' depression is the fact that all of the Minnesota lakes are frozen. Childress continued, "I'm not sure I can wait for a May thaw. The boat stuff was a big reason for me coming to the Vikings."

"I want the guys to like me, and what better way to get to know your players than boating with whores?"

DRAG RACING SEASON OPENS

New York -- Thousands descended on New York City for the opening of the Drag Racing Season. New York, which sports a huge drag population, is the virtual home of drag racing.

Thousands turned out today to see several men in drag race on the quarter mile track at Madison Square Garden. Shirley Muldowney aka, Pedro Bourbon took Pam Weston aka, Juan Valdizzio to the wire in the race of the day.

Drag races will be taking place daily for the next several weeks leading up to the huge Drag Parade, capping off the season.

The spent Muldowney getting assistance as she crosses the finish line.

TEMPLE TO NCAA: WE STINK, HOW ABOUT LETTING US SLIDE?

Philadelphia -- Temple University formally notified the NCAA asking for "some serious slack" when it comes to academic progress.

Temple will lose scholarships for poor scholastic performance by their student-athletes. New coach Al Golden said through tears, "Can't you bastards just leave us be. For chrissakes, we're the worst team in college football. Get a goddamn life already."

Golden continued, "We'll never win a game if we have to make our players go to class and do papers. I'm trying to recruit players to a 0-11 program and then I should tell them they have to go to school?"

An NCAA spokesperson admitted that he understood Golden's feelings. "It's sort of like we're saying not only are you lousy football players, you're stupid lousy football players, going to a lousy cheating University. Even though that might be the reality, we never meant it to sound that harsh."

A Temple football player said, "You can call us 0-11 but don't call me stupid.!"

CBS B-BALL ANALYST BILLY PACKER ADMITS TO FEELINGS FOR COACH K

Durham-- CBS basketball color analyst Billy Packer admitted today what many of have suspected all along, that he has abnormal feelings for Duke coach, Mike Krzyzewski.

"I can no longer live a lie," said Packer. "I've been carrying feelings towards Coach K that many would classify as unhealthy or mabye not."

For years roundball observers have criticized Packer for what has been called his "a lack of objectivity when it comes to Duke basketball." Jockweb reporter Shecky Feinstein (no relation to John) noted, "Packer is either kissing his ass or literally desires to kiss his ass. He sickens me with his Coach K doting."

Packer added, "If I'm going to have romantic feelings towards another man, I'm just glad he's in my conference, the ACC. Did I tell you about the game, I scored 4 points in 1956. Adolph Rupp was there and I had weird feelings for him too. Come to think of it, I had weird feelings for John Wooden. There's something seriously wrong with me!"

CBS released a statement saying, "We stand behind Billy Packer, just like NBC had to stand behind Marv Albert."

"I'm not acting on my feelings, I just wanted everyone to stop the speculation."

ROMANIAN SOCCER PLAYER SOLD FOR MEAT

Bucharest - The Romanian soccer club, UT Arad, sold a player for 15 kilograms of meat.

UT Arad is a second division club traded with fourth division team Regal Horia. Regal Horia gave up a bunch of steaks and chops for midfielder Marius Cioara.

UT Arad coach Ube Couseseau said, "I was in mood for big steak with peppercorns, Regal Horia have  big stash meat. Cioara, stink, we trade."

Unfortunately for Regal Horia, Cioara retired from soccer immediately following the trade. Horia coach Ude Couseseau said, "Shet, no Cioara, no steak, we stupid."

Regal Horia was forced to share one box of Keebler saltines with one jar of Skippy among the entire team. UT Arad was very excited about a grilled steak dinner. Unfortunately, someone forgot to get propane for the grill.

UT players waiting to be served dinner.

NEWS IN BRIEF:

> NEW YORK, NY - Rapper 50Cent to change his name to $4.95.  "It's inflation, man," said the enigmatic rapper.  "Sean Combs has changed his name 23 times, and I've only changed my name twice."  $4.95 had no comment when asked if her would be ripping off R. Kelly by allegedly starring in a series of erotic videos featuring 15 year old girls.

                                                        ADVERTISER:  The NUT Bra

>

CELEBRATE OLYMPIC GOLD MEDAL, FORCED TO LISTEN TO ABBA CONCERT

Stockholm -- Sweden's hockey team arrived in Stockholm to celebrate its Olympic gold medal, with a large contingent of NHL players.

"We were planning of several hours of drinking and wild orgy," said Flyers' Peter Fosberg. However the players were rather disappointed when King Gustav announced instead of a wild party, the revelers would be forced to sit through a six-hour ABBA concert.

King Gustav announced, "ABBA means Sweden. They are Sweden's biggest industry so we will honor them. Gold medals are nice but a couple of turns at 'Dancing Queen,' really builds national pride."

Swedes, known for their calmness and neutrality, stepped right in line. "We are a quiet, happy people with lots of nice, blonde women," said Mats Sundin. "We will listen to ABBA, get horny, and find a blonde. That's a celebration in my book."

ABBA still a relevant force in Sweden and at Jockweb, we're not ashamed to admit that we love, "SOS."

JOCKWEB FILMS TO RELEASE NEW INSPIRATIONAL MOVIE

 Jockweb, Inc. announced today that the debut of their latest film release. "Through the Fireplace" is Jockweb's most recent attempt at an inspirational sports film.

The movie depicts the true story of Scotty Whitby, a dime a dozen rich kid from the Hamptons, wasting away in the town's tennis and golf clubs. Scotty meets a compassionate tennis pro, Silky Hamil, who encourages him to break out of the endless cycle of wealth and privilege to pursue a win it all/lose it all gamble of professional tennis.

Scotty enrolls in a summer tennis camp in Palm Beach and enters a culture of more wealth and privilege that will either drive him to tennis greatness or force him back to his private New England prep school and polo matches.

Critics are calling it, "a provocative view into an American subculture," and "the feel good story of the year."

During the pre-screening of the film, one viewer through tears said, "How can a country like the United States allow this to happen? Kids shouldn't have to choose between country club golf or tennis."

ESPN, though will not pay us to show the film, said, "Scotty Whitby is one of the bravest kids to grace the American scene in years. His story is our story."

Jockweb hopes to distribute the film as part of its' continual mission "to bring truth and justice to the American people."

JOCKWEB BONUS GIVEN TO OUR BEST STAFFERS

Jockweb HQ -- Now that Jockweb has become one of the premier sport sites on the Web and revenue is pouring in like a leak in the levee, we thought is was time to reward our best employees with a rewards trip. We get a lot of mail from people asking, "Who are the people behind Jockweb? They must be extraordinary individuals." You can say that again because to work at Jockweb requires unparalleled extraordinariness. So to reward the folks that got us where we are, we decided to give them a trip to the sunny shores of Miami Beach. And the Jockweb staff had a ball. They immersed themselves in sun and fun and the hip nightlife of South Beach. And have returned to Jockweb HQ refreshed and ready to deliver continued high quality sports coverage. And a Jockweb staffer brought back some pictures that document the kind of trip it was.

We have no idea who the four people are who squat in the foreground, but the guy at the far right is Jockweb reporter, Eric Tiltissue.

JANET JONES KICKED OUT OF CHURCH BINGO

Los Angeles -- Janet Jones, wife of hockey great Wayne Gretzky, was forcibly removed from a church bingo game on Saturday night.

Church officials explained the Jones had "an incredible amount of cards going simultaneously and a boatload of money tied up in the game." Father Ken Hickey, pastor of Our Lady of Hollywood Boulevard, said, "We were concerned we couldn't cover her bets. It's really just a senior citizens game and we're not used to high rollers." Game organizers told Jones that they couldn't afford to have her play in their bingo game. Jones then became irritated and started throwing bingo cards and smacking old people.

Father Hickey described the scene this way, "Most of our parishioners have Alzheimer's so no one really remembered Miss Jones or her movie career. Come to think of it, I don't have Alzheimer's and I don't remember her movie career."

LAPD responded to the scene and beat Ms. Jones senseless. Husband Wayne Gretzky later commented, "I never bet in a church bingo game but I've got a pretty hot wife, eh?"

Father Hickey said he planned to meet Ms. Jones in confession and work out the forgiveness details.

MAURICE CLARETT SENTENCED TO NFL EUROPE

Columbus-- As part of a plea bargain agreement, former Ohio State running back Maurice Clarett, was sentenced to three years in NFL Europe for charges stemming from an attempted robbery last fall.

Judge Harvey Bickens explained, "The citizens of Columbus can be assured that Maurice Clarett will be off the streets and they can feel safe."

Civil liberties professionals say that the sentence is too harsh and more akin to something that would be passed down in a third world dictatorship. Citizens United Against Mean Judges spokesperson Lou Loebber said, "It would have been more humane to cut off his genitals than to send him to play for Hamburg for three years. This is something that would happen mabye in Turkey or Saudi Arabia but not here in the U.S."

A tearful and apologetic Clarett begged the court to reconsider. "I'll wash laundry for the Broncos, but please not NFL Europe," Clarett pleaded.

The judge was not swayed. He sternly said to Clarett, "The next time you think of picking up a weapon and robbing someone, mabye you'll stop and ask yourself, 'Do I want to play for Hamburg or Amsterdam? It's a lesson you're going to have to learn from, son."

Clarett and his family broke down in tears and were assisted from the courtroom. He begins workouts for Hamburg Sea Devils on Tuesday.

Hundreds of young men have been sentenced to NFL Europe. Amnesty International and Bono have teamed up "to stop the madness!"

JOCKWEB TV WATCH:

"Quite Frankly" In Heated Ratings Battle with "Green Acres"

If you haven't been paying attention to the vicious TV ratings wars, you might have missed the head to head battle going on each evening at 11pm. ESPN,desperate to boost ratings on the Stephen Smith venue, "Quite Frankly," has moved the show from the 6pm slot to the 11pm slot. However, instead of competing against network news, Smith is now battling  TV Land's "Green Acres" reruns for the top spot at 11.

Smith says, "I want to kick 'Green Acres' ass," said the usually combative Smith. "White city folk trying to farm in the country don't make me laugh the first time, never mind in reruns." However, Oliver and Lisa Douglass can still grab an audience. TV Land spokesperson, Frank Drucker explained, "America has a lot of loud mouth sports columnists but there's only one Douglass family. And I'll put Ebb and Mr. Haney up against Stephen S, seven days a week and win all seven."

ESPN released a statement saying if Smith can't gain some ground on 60's show, he may be "headed for Hooterville himself." Or as Lisa Douglass says, "Hoostervile."

BODE, "No Excuses But There Was No Snow"

Turin-- In a last ditch effort to save face, Bode Miller spoke with reporters and explained, "I think I would have done better on snow."

Miller shown struggling to maintain 3rd place.

Miller claims that had there been snow, he would have won at least a bronze medal. "You guys have been a little rough on me," Miller said. "Ok, I'm a bit of a pretentious asshole with all my laid back Bode-isms, and true, I schnookered Nike out of about 3 million, but I'm a skier and skiers have to have snow." Miller even went as far as saying there was a conspiracy against him. "Other races seemed to have snow but not mine. Mabye I was drunk or high but I swear I was on straight asphalt."

JUST IN: NIKE TO MARKET SHROUD OF TURIN

Turin -- Athletic apparel giant, Nike Inc., coming off a disappointing Winter Olympics, announced today that they will leave Turin with the famous "Shroud."

"We think it's gonna look great on sweatshirts and t's with the Nike swoosh," said marketing director Realie Divine. "We think it could be a bigger seller than our Air Jordan line, bacause if you want to sky, what better person to have on your clothing than J.C."

In pre-market focus groups, kids reacted enthusiastically to the "Shroud" line though 92% of the participants identified that shroud image as Bode Miller with a beard. Divine added, "We're going to replace the Bode campaign with the Jesus campaign. Bode had all these stupid Bode-isms that just weren't getting across but there's thousands of good Jesus-isms, like 'Blessed are the peacemakers who can shoot the 3-ball.' "

Air Shroud products will be hitting the stores in early spring.

RICKY WILLIAMS TO MARIJUANA: "You had me at hello!"

Miami -- There was good new and bad news for the Miami Dolphins today. The bad news is that running back Ricky Williams failed his fourth drug test and may be banned for life from the NFL.

Ricky asked, "Which would you rather do, smoke reefer while listening to Jimi Hendrix oldies or run into the left side of the Steeler defense? But I didn't smoke anything this time, I swear to Vishnu. All I had the day before the test were some brownies at Nick Saban's house."

Saban admitted that he gave Williams the pot-laced brownies. "The wife and I like to whip up some brownies with just a sprinkle of the herb, just to take the edge off. I'm entirely responsible so please don't take Ricky away from me."

Where's the good news? Ricky got an A+ in Advanced Chanting at Ayurveda University. "If they had a football team, I probably would have went here for undergraduate," Williams said as he held up his report card. "You see Ricky's a great student," said Saban and again he implored, "please don't take Ricky away from me."

Williams exhaled a large puff of smoke, giggled, and chanted an A+, "OMMMMMM!"

We ask the question, "Ayurveda" or "Steeler Defense?" We know where we're headed for summer camp.

LATEST JOCKWEB SPORTS RESEARCH

"Pole vaulting is dangerous activity for obese"

Researchers from the Jockweb Institute for Sports Research released the findings of a five-year study that reveals that people suffering from obesity shouldn't pole vault.

Dr. Heimlich Mannuvor* said that the study looked at a random sample of 100 people over 350 pounds. Each person was given a pole and asked to vault over a bar set at 16'9". Dr. Mannuvor explained that no one could vault over the bar. And, he said, "We broke a shitload of poles." Dr. Mannuvor concluded that pole vaulting is probably not a good idea if you weigh over 350 lbs. You see, when you're really heavy, you are difficult to pick up. And those poor poles, even though they are made of high tech materials, you want a miracle?"

*Please note that Dr. Mannuvor is not a real doctor. He has one of those manufactured diplomas like they use in big-time college football programs to lie and cheat. The results of this study are not conclusive so if you are obese, feel free to go for the 16'9" height.

BIATHLETES FEEL LEFT OUT

Turin -- Gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgendered activists say that the Olympic committee has not gone far enough to accommodate the GLBT community.

Les Moore said that she believed, "one event for people with different sexual preferences is not enough. It's the same old story," she continued, "they put all of us out in the country give us a set of skis and a gun and tell us it's an inclusive Olympics. We'd like more events for bi's. Let's push that envelope for those who like it both ways."

Olympic organizers say that they plan to add more events for bi's but "don't want to feel pressured by any political group." IOC spokesperson Luigi Parfonotto said, "Giving a bunch of bi's guns and skis is a big step forward. Mabye we can have bi-bobsledding or bi-speed skating in the future but I'm proud of our record on bi's. And what about Johnny Weir? He had fun at the Olympics."

Moore concluded by saying that, "I look forward to the day when there are thousands of Johnny Weirs skating, skiing, and sledding. That would be heaven."

Bi-athletes say that "it's fun to ski and shoot but we want more."

NO SEX SCANDALS IN CURLING

Torino -- There have been no reported sex scandals involving curling participants in this year's Winter Olympics.

Longtime curling observer, Frank Fender said, "Amazingly there have been no sex scandals coming out of Torino." Curling has long had the reputation of being a dull pastime while having a decadent underbelly.

"Male curlers, in particular, normally have insatiable sexual appetites that can't seem to be satisfied," explained Fender. "After chasing a rock with a broom for a couple of hours, you're ready to kick back, down a few brews and chase some tail," he added.

Olympic organizers are breathing a sigh of relief. With trouble finding and maintaining viewers, the last thing anyone wanted was a curling sex scandal. Organizers say they will cross their fingers and "just hope that we can get to the end of the games without some crazy curler starting some monkey business."

Two USA curlers on the prowl. Look at the guy on the left, he's eyeing something!

PSYCHIC JOHN EDWARD CONTACTS MISSING SHOW DOG

New York --Psychic John Edward has been brought to the scene of the missing prized show dog champion, Bohem C'est La Vie.
 

The dog escaped from his cage several days ago in John F. Kennedy International Airport. Vivi, the dog's nickname, disappeared into a marsh area.

Twelve psychic counselors were brought in to help locate the dog but all of them gave vague, stupid remarks, like, "she's present, I feel her, she's somewhere in the New York area, I know she's definitely didn't get on the  8:18 plane to Saudi Arabia."

Authorities decided to bring in the big gun, John Edward. Edward immediately located some fresh dog droppings and was able to initiate a psychic conversation with the dog.

Jockweb was able to obtain a brief transcript of that conversation:

John Edward: Where the hell are you?

Vivi: On the other side.

John Edward: The other side of what? Would that be like dog heaven?

Vivi: Must be. There are 72 virgins and they're dogs.

John Edward: So you're having a good time?

Vivi: No, they're really ugly. I did better when I was alive, just humping an occasional leg.

Brewers Sign Head of Ted Williams

MILWAUKEE, WI - Milwaukee Brewers Assistant PR Manager Chesty McFadden announced yesterday that they have signed the head of former Red Sox great Ted Williams, to a long term contract.  Although as a frozen head, Williams is unable to participate in MLB action this year or probably next, the Brewers believe his time may come.  "We wanted to make sure we had our bases covered," said McFadden.

"We're very excited about this," McFadden told Jockweb by phone.  "The time will come sometime in the future when Ted's head can be grafted onto a young, athletic body...and now we've got him under contract."

Term of the contract were not disclosed, but McFadden stated that the contract covered a long period of time at a relatively low amount. 
 

The Brewers said they'll keep the frozen Williams in their locker room indefinitely.

LARRY BROWN TALKED OUT OF JUMPING FROM BUILDING

New York -- New York Knicks coach Larry Brown didn't take the trade news well, which brought Steve Francis to the Knicks from the Orlando Magic.

Shortly after learning the Isiah Thomas traded for problem child Francis, Brown took to the roof of the Empire State Building. "Two selfish guards? No room under the salary cap? Don't try to talk me out of it, I'm jumping!," Brown shouted to rescue workers.

The anxious crowd below when learning it was Brown, chanted in unison, "Jump Larry Jump." Fortunately, several NBA owners were present, and Brown received several offers to leave the Knicks for greener pastures. Brown came in from the ledge and was said to be taking seriously an offer from the "Atlanta Hawks for a  GM/Coach job." Brown added, "I can win in Atlanta!"

In other Knicks news, GM Thomas groped a hot dog vendor in front of Madison Square Garden.

Brown is a very short guy. You won't be able to see him in this picture. But he turned the whole thing into a 8 million dollar raise.