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STUDY REVEALS WINNERS WEAR RED A team of British anthropologists have released their findings from a decade old study that wearing the color red consistently give you a higher probability of winning. Scientist Russell Hill and Robert Barton announced their findings in Thursday's issue of the journal, Nature. Red coloration is associated with aggression in many animals and is often a signal of sexual male dominance. Hill and Barton conclude that the intimidating effect of the color red in the animal kingdom translates to the athletic arena. "Think about it," said Hill, "Ferraris are red and they win most auto races and whenever Tiger wears a red shirt he wins a golf tournament." Several teams disputed the claim, most notably the Atlanta Hawks and the Arizona Cardinals. Cardinal owner Bill Bidwell commented, "We've always worn red and we've always sucked. These scientists are assholes." Though Bidwell did not agree with the study's findings, he will make all his players wear ruby red lipstick and red spiked heels during this year's games. "It might all be bullshit, but I kind of get excited seeing big, muscular men with red lipstick. We might not win games but goddamit we'll be sexually intimidating."
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