JockWeb Sports Source

Newport, RI -- Golfer Kari Santomojo lost her eye after her mother accidentally poked her while trying to dry a tear.

Santomojo, a first time visitor the Women's U.S. Open was crying at a press conference after her boyfriend had told her earlier that he may have a veneral disease. Her mother, Angie reached for a tissue to dab a tear but because of slight far sightedness poked the golfer and the eye had to be removed.

The optimistic, cheery mom said, "You know they've got some nice colorful replacement eyes and she's always wanted blue eyes." Santomojo had emergency eye surgery in the Newport Animal Hospital. "There wasn't an eye hospital nearby and the vet had done the operation on a sheep before," explained Mom.

Santomojo said she planned to be back and ready to go by the opening round tomorrow. "I guess I'll be able to keep my eye on the ball since I've only got one," said the gutsy golfer.

New York, NY -- Several pygmy basketball players were once again shunned by NBA teams in last night's 2006 draft.

The Pygmy people are a nomadic, hunting and gathering group that mainly exist in the equatorial rainforest regions. The pygmies are known for their shorter stature but tribal elder Mudu Abuti said, "We may be short but we've got hops." Several pygmy prospects were projected to be late first rounders or early second rounders but were passed up.

Fran Frushcilla, ESPN analyst and foreign scout and himself a pygmy, said, "I think there's a place in the league for pygmies. I'll take a short guy to a tall guy any day of the week. Manute Bol or Spud Webb? Know what I mean?"

Several pygmy leaders said there is a definite prejudice against pygmies starting at the top with David Stern. "Stern is a pygmy but won't admit it," said Abuti. "And because Stern was never drafted, he won't let other pygmies have a chance. But we're a tribe of point guards and they're going to have to deal with us."

NFL PLAYERS RECEIVE INSTRUCTIONS ON SPOUSAL ABUSE

New Orleans, LA - After Saints offensive lineman Jammal Brown became the 100th football player arrested for spousal abuse, the NFL decided to take action.

"Basically, we're going to teach them how to 'lay down the law' without getting arrested or leaving too many marks", said NFL spokesman Harry Punchandaface. Flying in the face of the NFL's 'do-nothing' approach to wife-beating, Punchandaface says team owners are just plain tired of hearing about it. "Whatever happened to the days when we just kept it quiet? Now all the sudden it's news," says Punchandaface. "We need to teach our younger players how to hide these things better. There's a lot you can do with an ordinary bath towel."

Phillies pitcher Brett Meyers asked, "Do you think they'd let a baseball player watch?"

Most NFL player wives were afraid to comment. "See?" says Punchandaface. "The plan is working already."

An NFL instructor demonstrates how to get a woman under control without leaving a mark.

The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Peek-A-Boo) is
not just an athlete.... She is now a nurse currently working at the
Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital. She is not permitted
to answer the hospital telephones. It caused too much confusion when she
would answer the phone and say,

"Picabo, ICU!"

Washington, DC -- In an effort to boost the sagging troop morale around the war effort in Iraq, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld announced the formation of the DOD cheerleaders.

"We think the soldiers are gonna love the idea and it makes a great recruitment tool," said the defense czar. "And another thing," Rumsfeld added, "the camouflage uniforms let them blend into a variety of battlefield situations."

General Fred Flounders commented, "There's nothing more inspiring when you got the enemy in your gunsight and you hear a cheerleader shout, 'Go team go!' " The cheerleaders have been deployed to Iraq and after the first week they have had a decided impact on the enemy.

One Iraqi insurgents said, "I got news for you, if I capture one of those cheerleaders you're gonna have to re-write the Geneva Convention." Cheerleader First Class Busty LaLa said, "We're not worried, we've got big guns and we know how to use them."

DOD cheerleaders performing a routine near Fallujah. One mullah said, "This is not a fair fight."

Pittsford, NY -- Golfer Anita Lay described her round in the Wegman's Golf Classic as the "first time I felt really free on the golf course." That's because Lay was wearing the latest golf apparel experiment from Nike, "Crotchless Khakis."

Nike designer Fenton Magdalen said for years he dreamed of the product. "As a golfer myself, I often feel hemmed at the crotch. Opening up the crotch area for male and female golfers gives the game a whole new look and feel."

Lay and her caddie, Randy Ratmussal agreed. "Anita was relaxed and I think it was because she was able to air things out. And let me tell you for a caddie it makes those par saving putts even more fun."

Atlanta, GA -- Former Braves pitcher John Rocker was struck by lightening yesterday during an a perfectly sunny afternoon in Atlanta. The retired reliever is best known for his controversial comments aimed against gays and immigrants.

Witnesses said that the skies were blue and the sun was shining when out of nowhere came a single bolt of lightening and struck Rocker down to the ground. "It was like he was up to bat and someone was aiming at him," said Calvin Stroup, a building maintenance supervisor.

Rocker survived that lightening strike and immediately began speaking in tongues warning people to repent and save their souls from eternal damnation. Rocker, who was on his way to meet a hooker for some afternoon sex, cancelled the appointment and joined "Habitat for Humanity."

"I'm going to build houses for poor Mexicans," said the subdued Rocker as he passed out new business card for 'Rocker Ministries.' "Rocker Ministries is a non-profit religious organization dedicated to bringing people of all creeds, ethnicities, and sexual orientations together to promote healing and harmony."

Boston, MA -- Philadelphia Phillies pitcher Brett Meyers smacked his wife, his mother, his mother-in-law, and several other female pedestrians yesterday and said he'll be ready to pitch on Wednesday when he's due in the rotation.

The Boston police issued a warrant for Meyer's arrest after he allegedly physically abused his wife on Saturday evening. "It's just a little pre-game ritual," explained Meyers. "It's no big deal. I just give the girls in my life a little love tap for good luck."

Meyers mother said that, "We've always encouraged Brett to express his feelings openly and underneath it all, he's just a big lovable teddy bear."

Phils manager Charlie Manuel said, "Usually Meyers has a good outing after expressing himself off the field. You have to understand, pitchers are an unusual breed of athlete and most have their own peculiar pre-game routine." GM Pat Gillick said, "Brett gets paid to pitch, he's a professional. Psychologists get paid to counsel battered wives. Everyone's a professional here."

Brett Meyer is no relation to Oscar Mayer but believes "whoever built this stupid looking car oughta be smacked."

New York, NY -- Women's Tennis superstar Maria Sharapova announced today that she will star in a new reality series called, "Queer Stroke for the Straight Folk."

Sharapova will head up a team of gay professional tennis players who will take an uncoordinated, idiot straight guy and makeover his ground strokes. "The goal of the show is to take some poor slob who has never played tennis and get him to the U.S. Open by August," explained Sharapova.

Producers of the show say that there are thousands of men who want to play tennis and want to come out of the closet. "We believe we can teach a man to play competitive tennis and give him the courage to admit that he is gay," added Sharapova. "Men will be able to improve their all around game and all the while I'll be photographing the whole thing with a Canon digital camera."

Gay tennis activist Salvador Nelson commented, "Studies show that all men have gay tendencies and men who play tennis are trying to repress these tendencies. This show is going to give frustrated closeted gay tennis players the chance to be themselves between the lines."

Milwaukee, WI -- NASCAR has decided to scrap the traditional metal trophies of old and replace them with new life like blow-up doll trophies.

"This is the best trophy I've ever received," said driver Alphonso Solano. "Normally, I get a trophy and I take it home and after I look at it a few times, I have to dust it. But not with this one. She's so life like, it's like having a real women to call your very own."

NASCAR spokesperson Donny Hendricks explained, "We just thought the whole trophy thing needed to be spiced up. I mean, we was plum tired of everyone showing up and winning a trophy. We thought a life like women was something worth racing for."

The trophy was displayed in the winner's circle prior to the race. Record speeds were recorded on the track which experts attribute to the fact that "people will die for a nice looking trophy."

Alphonso Solano holding his trophy said, "I'm gonna dust her often, I'm gonna dust her slow."

Potomac, MD -- PGA golfer John Daly withdrew from this weekend's Booz Allen Classic after discovering there was no booze.

Daly arrived at the tournament "ready to party" only to find out that he would have to tee up and play a few rounds. "Talk about false advertising," said Daly, "all I wanted was a Jack and Coke and then I hear 'on the tee, John Daly.' Screw that."

The often time troubled golfer then asked, "What the hell is there to do in Potomac, Maryland? Can you find me a casino or something." Tournament officials scurried around to soothe Daly's rumpled feathers. There are no casinos in Potomac but officials were fortunate enough to arrange a luncheon with Mr. and Mrs, Wayne Gretsky and John LeClair.

Janet Jones, the wife of Wayne Gretzky, said, "Can you bet on golf? How does the point spread work? Don't forget, I like action."

Jones reminded all of us, that booze wasn't necessary at the Booz Allen Classic.

Charlotte, NC -- A missing child was found inside the Stanley Cup during the presentation of the cup to the winning Carolina Hurricanes after they defeated the Edmonton Oilers for the NHL championship.

"I guess we won't have to put our son's picture on a milk carton now," said jubilant dad Darren York. York's son Tyler had been missing after the elder York lost track of his son while playing air hockey at local arcade. "I was in the middle of this intense air hockey game and little Ty just wandered off."

The boy was reported missing over a week ago and his disappearance sparked a state wide manhunt that included state police, boy scout leaders, and Catholic priests. NHL commissioner Gary Bettman commented, "This is really going to help with our ratings. If we can get more missing kids popping out of Stanley Cups, I think people will tune in."

Little Tyler York sitting happily on top of the Stanley Cup. Tyler can only speak in short sentences but added, "NHL? boring!"

New York, NY -- New York Knicks General Manager Isiah Thomas fired head coach Larry Brown yesterday and then announced that he had hired Isiah Thomas to replace Brown.

"I like what Isiah Thomas did as a coach when he was with the Pacers," said Thomas. "But I'll tell you this, as GM, I'm in charge and Isiah is going to have to understand that all major basketball decisions will have to go through me."

Isiah Thomas said that he was happy to be coaching again and "I'd like to thank Isiah Thomas for giving me an opportunity to coach again after I got screwed in Indiana." GM Thomas added, "But without putting pressure on Isiah, he's here to win and if he doesn't win, I'm not afraid to pull the plug."

Larry Brown warned Isiah Thomas that Isiah Thomas is a tough guy to work for. Brown commented, "What really gets on your nerves is that he always talks about himself in the third person."

New York, NY -- Late night talk show host David Letterman let go of his affable demeanor momentarily during the show's taping and beat Yankees shortstop, Derek Jeter with a microphone and coffee cup.

Jeter appearing on Letterman's show for the first time repeatedly referred to Letterman as 'Jay' which sent Letterman into a rage. Jeter later apologized saying, "all those late night TV guys look and talk alike."

Letterman has a reputation for being quick tempered and going from smile to storm in an instant. Sidekick Paul Shaffer told reporters that often Letterman "just hits me for being a little, bald annoying guy." Jeter said afterwards that this is not the end of things. "Yankees don't forget and all I have to do is show Gary Sheffield the tape and it'll be taken care of."

Later Letterman refused to apologize saying that after all these years, Jeter, as a New Yorker, "should know better."

New York, NY -- The National Basketball Association admitted today that former New York Knicks Hall of Fame center, Patrick Ewing, was white.

Commissioner David Stern came forward with this information only after Jockweb investigative reporters uncovered archival documents showing the NBA was part of an elaborate cover-up to portray Ewing as a black guy. Stern said, "Looking back on it, I probably wouldn't do it again but at the time Patrick was playing, he was really old. No one was ever going to believe that a 7 foot white guy could run the floor, block shots, and score. We had no choice but to make Patrick black."

Ewing said, "Being black, I got to hang out with a lot of guys who normally wouldn't hang out with me."

Since Ewing has retired from basketball, he has been working on his memoirs of his years in the NBA. Entitled, "Whoever Said 7 Ft. White Guys Can't Run The Floor , Block Shots, and Score?" The book will soon be available on jockweb.com.

Archival photographs revealed a white Ewing with a young David Stern. Jockweb reporters noticed a gap in Ewing's teeth that is consistent in before and after pictures.

Frankfurt, GERMANY-- The Kuwaiti National Soccer Team made a triumphant entrance into the Frankfurt Stadium.

Both Kuwait and Iraq did not qualify for the World Cup this year but Kuwaiti coach Khalif Al-Fornia said, "That's not stopping us. We haven't won much but we kicked Iraq ass in 1991." The Kuwaiti players entered the stadium in their uniforms, set off a few explosions, and then went home.

Forward Said Al-Frankan said, "It was as much fun as you could have with a soccer uniform on." The Iraqi coach was said to be angered over the display and said he would have several insurgency groups capture the Kuwaiti team and force them to "spend their summer vacation in Baghdad."

Pittsburgh, PA -- The Pittsburgh Steelers front office inserted a new clause in QB Ben Roethlisberger's contract.

Roethlisberger, who was recently fined for not wearing a motorcycle helmet, visited the Steelers' offices today to quiet fears that "he's uglier than before." Steelers management insist that from now on, "if Ben wants to ride a motorcycle, he'll have to wear the head protection that we approve."

The Steelers have decided to go the "Cheesehead Helmet" which has been popularized in Green Bay, Wisconsin. A Steeler spokesperson explained, "Studies show that the block of cheese cuts down on motorcycle head injuries by 75% and honestly, when was the last time you saw a Packer injured in a motorcycle accident?"

Roethlisberger said, "He would gladly wear the swiss cheese helmet but I can't promise you I won't eat it if I'm hungry." Ray Banner, President of the Motorcycle Club of America said that, "Motorcycle cheese helmets are the future of motorcycle safety despite the fact that they smell in hot weather and tend to mold quickly."

Roethlisberger showing off his new helmet confessing, "I couldn't resist a little taste off the edge."

NEW ZEALAND 'STREAKER' DECLARED BUTTERFACE BY INTERNATIONAL RUGBY ASSOCIATION

SHEEPVILLE, NZ - Bikini clad 'streaker' Lisa Lewis has been criticized for interfering with a rugby match in play as well as for streaking with a bikini on. Now she can add 'Butterface' to her list of faults.

When reached for comment, Lewis stated that she never thought of herself as a butterface, although she admits the breast implants were meant to attract attention further south than her face. "I think I'm really quite striking," said Lewis.

"Well grant that the surgeon did a nice job," said IRA (International Rugby Association) deputy Marc Dragon. "But the rest of her is a mess." Dragon pointed out Ms. Lewis' overbite, Lisa Kudro-like face, as well as lumps where there shouldn't be lumps all over her body.

"Overall, she is quite attractive, when compared to the average slob on the street," said Dragon. "But we at the IRA expect and deserve better. We're looking for Tiffany Amber Theisen quality streakers or higher."

When asked about the copy cat streaker at a college rugby match in New Zealand who claimed to be inspired by Lewis, Dragon added, "You see?! She's spawning a generation of less than attractive women who think they can take their clothes off in public. Where will it end? Soon we'll see Rosanne Barr-Arnold naked..."

Dragon later conceded the point that these two are among the most attractive women New Zealand has.

Tampa Bay, FL -- Several members of the Tampa Bay Lightening Hockey club have been using the Stanley Cup as a ruse to lure girls for drinks. Jockweb crack undercover investigator Herkimer Jerkowski followed players for several weeks as they carried the trophy from bar to bar using it as a conversation starter to pick up 'young chicks.'

Jerkowski reported that residents of the Tampa Bay area say that as professional athletes they may have "gone over the line." Jerkowski believes they may have "gone under the line." In either case, several young chicks were impressed enough with the "shiny cup" and with the offer by the players to fill it with Shirley Temples.

The players stood firm when confronted by Herkimer that they were just promoting hockey. "Hockey needs to reach out to young fans and that's all we're doing here," said one Lightening defenseman.

Foxboro, MA -- The New England Patriots signed blonde bombshell Ingrid Swede to replace free agent Adam Vinatieri. Vinatieri, one of the most clutch field goal kickers of all time left the Patriots for the Indianapolis Colts, leaving a void in New England.

Quarterback Tom Brady told team officials that he thought he found the right replacement when he met Swede at a local club dancing. "I'm not saying she's better than Adam but I saw things she did with her legs that make a dead man buy season tickets," said Brady. "At the very least, she'll keep the balls warm on a chilly New England day."

Swede admittedly has no experience kicking but said, "I love feet, love to touch feet, have my feet touched. I know every sensitive point on a foot. I will love being with feet and having feet be with me. And I will make everyone forget about kicking. We will enjoy the sensuality of the feet."

Maronmaneck, NY -- Golfer Ian Poulter may have missed some crucial shots down the stretch of the U.S. Open but he connected on several swings aimed at fellow tour members.

In a post-game tantrum, Poulter unleashed a torrent of blows aimed at several snickering golfers. "All day long, Vijay (Singh) was calling me "pretty pants" and he wouldn't let it go," explained Poulter. "At one point he asked if I always held my shaft with two hands or did I let other guys hold it?"

When Poulter went to the scorers tent to sign his card, Singh and several other golfers dressed as the "Village People" and sang a boisterous version of 'YMCA.' Poulter screamed, "Pink is a man's color!" and attacked Singh with a pitching wedge. Poulter beat Singh senseless and landed blows on several other golfers.

Poulter's wife was able to calm him down and restore order. Later Mrs. Poulter admitted, "When I press his pants, I'm full of self-doubt. Just what is all this pink pants thing about?"

Maronmaneck, NY -- Phil Mickelson's blowup double bogey on the 18th hole of Winged Foot allowed Aussie Geoff Ogilvy to snatch a victory in the the U.S. Open.

But the big news from the tourney was Toby Watkins. Toby, a relatively unknown rookie from Alabama, broke a PGA record for most golf tees swallowed. Watkins swallowed 11 tees eclipsing the previous record of 10 set by Craig Stadler in 1993.

"I just was in my zone," said Watkins. "I struggled with the first few but then they started going down easy." Galleries roared as Watkins polished off the final tee for the record. "After Phil choked, I didn't have much to cheer about," said Amy Mickelson, "so I just started shouting for Toby. He's kind of cute, don't you think?"

Stadler immediately said, "I've got a lot of work to do to get my tee swallowing back to where it was in '93. I'm older now and I may just have to swallow on the Senior Tour. But that's what this game is all about. Passing on the tradition to the younger swallowers."

Atlanta, GA -- A study released today by the CDC says that "really hot women" can get on your nerves when watching sports.

The study sampled 2,500,968 male sports fans who were asked about their feelings when watching a game with a girlfriend or spouse. From the sample only one half of a percent had a "really hot woman." From that half of a percent, nearly 100% said it was next to impossible to concentrate on a game with a "really hot woman" sitting next to you.

An anonymous subject explained, "When you're with a 'really hot woman' you sort of asking yourself, what the hell am I doing watching an Atlanta Hawks game when I could be home with this 'really hot woman'?" He continued, "And everyone sitting near you is asking the same question."

99.5% of the men surveyed said that they were watching games because, "we don't have a 'really hot woman." Most men said they would loved to be annoyed by a 'really hot woman' at any game. Most men agreed it was much easier to watch a game when the woman you are sitting with is average to below. One subject said, "When I sit with an average woman, I much more concerned that I'm overpaying $3 for a beer."

Pittsburgh, PA -- Doctors removed bandages from Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger's face after initial surgery to repair broken bones in his face.

"Wow, what the frig happened?" asked shocked surgeon Dr. Yanni Freelander. "The good news is, no matter what happens to Ben's football career, he'll always have a job in the circus."

Roethlisberger said, "I wish everyone would get off the helmet thing. Next time, I'll wear a helmet, okay everyone? It's like everyone telling you on Tuesday what receivers were open on Sunday." After viewing himself in the mirror, Roethlisberger quoted a line from the movie, "The Elephant Man." He screamed, "I am not an animal, I am the quarterback of the Super Bowl Champions."

"MMMMM & MMMMM's candy are a good candy, an American candy, a candy that loves their country."

Mexico City, Mexico -- There is a new sport taking root south of the border in Mexico.

"Hole in the Middle," the brainchild of Gabriel Garcia Diego Garcia, is game that can be described as a variation of the old school game "Monkey in the Middle" in a prison yard."

The object of the game is to encircle a player and threaten him with a group sexual assault. The player who can stay in the longest without losing bowel control and then who can escape the circle is the winner.

"It's a hellava lot of fun," said player Michael Jackson, "especially if you're not in the middle."

The sport hopes to expand beyond the Mexican border. Garcia hopes, "that one day there will be professional "Hole in the Middle" leagues internationally." Mexican beer company Dos Xqus said that they welcome the opportunity to sponsor the game. A company spokesperson, "Hole in the Middle players with a few beers could make a interesting spectator sport."

Mamaroneck, NY -- The Professional Golf Association (PGA) faced a massive crisis at the opening day of the U.S. Open yesterday at Winged Foot Country Club.

All but four golfers left the tournament and the tour to become members on the Hooters Tour. Golfer John Daly explained, "Who ever said booze, broads, and golf are lethal? And besides, the fact of the matter is that Hooters has great food."

The Hooters Tour has been in existence for several years and it is most noted for it's low-key, fun approach to golf. There are 'Hooter' girls on every tee so no one really give a s$%^ where their ball goes. Tour director Wally Cleaverage said, "We play a few holes, have a few beers, drool a little bit and call it a tournament."

The Hooters Tour is different from the PGA tour in the respect that players pay big money to be on the tour. "The predominantly male galleries really enjoy watching the girls swing the club," added Cleaverage. South African Ernie Els told Jockweb that he spent over $500,000 in tips alone but asked, "have you ever had their wings?" The Hooters Tour continues this week in Atlantic City.

Little Rock, AK -- Little kindergartener Timmy Monroe was the surprise hit of the Waldorf Elementary School 'Show and Tell.'

Timmy, who is a self-confessed 'hockey freak,' brought his favorite piece of hockey memorabilia to school. Wendy Fagin, Timmy's teacher said, "He told us he was going to bring in the Stanley Cup but to tell you the truth, I didn't believe him. Kindergarteners are usually full of shit." She continued, "but there he was carrying this huge trophy off of the bus and I'll never doubt him again."

One NHL official commented, "We don't have a f$%^ing clue how he got a hold of it, but there's a ton of pissed off Canadians." Timmy's mom Maxey Monroe said, "We plan on giving it back but I'll miss it. It made a great dining table centerpiece."Timmy my smiled and said, "I don't believe that hockey players aren't on the juice."

New Orleans, LA -- The Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) announced that an investigation into the post-Katrina relief debacle, revealed that a high level manager spent taxpayer dollars on New Orleans Saints tickets and a sex change operation.

Orin Tobber was supposed to go to New Orleans after the hurricane to help victims find temporary housing. Instead after he got there, he discovered that season tickets for the Saints were cheap and plentiful. Tobber bought the season tickets on a FEMA credit card. Only after he bought the tickets, did he discover that the Saints were not playing any home games in New Orleans. "Don't think I didn't feel like a dope when I found out that the first game was in the Meadowlands," Tobber explained. After Tobber realized that he wasted his money on the Saints tickets, Tobber decided to have a sex change operation.

"I've always thought I would like being a woman and I had the FEMA credit card. I got a really good deal on the sex change but unfortunately I got caught. But the good thing is, if I go to prison, I'll be in a minimum security female facility," Orian said. "I only wish I had waited until this year to buy the Saints tickets cause I'd love to see Reggie Bush," Tobber sadly said.

Tobber on the right, isn't getting many calls as a woman but said, "I think prison will be kinda of fun."

Mamaroneck, NY -- The PGA has always been in the forefront of sartorial trends. The golf association continued that tradition by unveiling the latest craze in golf attire, "The Belly Shirt."

PGA spokesperson Brooke Streamer explained, "We think it's high time we celebrated the male navel in all it's hairy splendor. For years women have been allowed to bare their midriff and adorn it with jewelry and fine perfume."

Spectators at the U.S. Open reacted to the new style with mixed feelings. "I have my camera ready," said Laverne Lucchi, "and I'd like nothing more than a close up of Vijay Singh's fully exposed belly button."

Realee Al-Kumonnow said, "It is against the law of God to show the male belly in public. It is for the pleasure of the female when the lights are out."

The shirts seem to be catching on. Phil Mickelson joked, "I've got a bit of a belly but my wife likes when it jiggles after my swing." Mrs. Mickelson agreed and added, "We just had to spend a little extra time cleaning the lint out of Phil's tummy hole."

"Why shouldn't I be able to expose my hairy stomach in public?" demanded Spanish golfer Adolpho.

Madison, WI -- The entire football team for the University of Wisconsin left the school today over a dispute with the University dining services.

"What's the deal with all the f$%^ing cheese?" asked tackle Bert Suggles. "We're being forced fed cheese at every goddamn meal. Cheeze wiz on everything, string cheese, cheese and crackers, and these friggin' cheese head hats. I hate f#$%ing cheese."

Several of the players have complained to Athletic Director Barry Alvarez about the state obsession with cheese. "Yeah it takes some time getting used to shredded cheese and Lucky Charms but if they would only give it a chance," commented Alvarez. "I will tell you, this cheese thing makes recruiting tough."

Players say that the excessive intake of cheese has a drastic impact on air quality. One player from Pennsylvania said, "The entire state smells like a stale beer fart." Several Big Ten coaches stood on the Wisconsin border handing out transfer applications. Michigan coach Lloyd Carr asked, "What's that smell?"

Paris, FR -- It didn't take long for terrorist to disrupt the 2006 World Cup. Today's game between Croatia and Brazil was marred by a 'silly string' attack.

"It was awful," said Radovan Karovicnic, "there was silly string everywhere." The attack proves that terrorists can strike at will and with any weapon they choose. Parisian police chief Fleur de Lea said, "Wee wee were just so luckee that mo pople wee nut hirt." From eyewitness accounts the game was moving along in the 63 minute with Brazil leading by a score of 1-0.

Without warning several terrorist slipped by the tight stadium security and unleashed what appears to be a "enormous amount" of the party favorite. Brazilian forward Bonero said, "One minute I'm dribbling and the next minute I'm under a six foot pile of string. I thought I was going to die as I saw my life flash before my face."

Terrorist experts believe that the next attack could come sooner than later. "We've noticed a lot of suspicious purchasing of party poppers. ABC terrorism analyst Anthony Cordesman said, "They (the terrorists) could conceivably take all of the powder from hundreds of party poppers and make one big party popper that would really be loud."

President Bush immediately had the Department of Homeland Security to put the country on Code Sparkly Orange. "Sparkly orange is a good party color and I like sparkle sprinkles on everything at a party," said Bush. "Laura gets it at a party store and surprises me when it's my birthday but I want Americans to be on the lookout for suspicious party activity. We're gonna win the war on terror."

Terrorist dressed as soccer players attack suffocating one Croatian player. A witness said, "He just giggled to death."

Manhattan, KS -- Kansas State basketball coach Bob Huggins violated the terms of his newly inked deal with Kansas State University in a record thirty seconds after the agreement was signed. Huggins was slated to earn at least $800,000 per year in guaranteed compensation for five years, provided he does nothing "which results in material injury to the reputation of the University."

KSU trustees released an immediate statement saying, "Wow, that was fast, our reputation went immediately in the toilet. Sorry Bob." Reports say that within a minute of the signing ceremony, basketball player SAT's dropped over a thousand points, player arrests were up a 1000%, and eighteen players declared themselves for the June NBA draft.

Huggins said, "Hey at least I wasn't drinking and driving. And besides, will anyone ever like me?"

Huggins attorney said, "We'll fight this to the Supreme Court and I get 33 and 1/3 compensation from here to DC. To tell you the truth, Bob's just great cash flow. I think, I'll get him a country club membership for Christmas."

Philadelphia, PA -- Pharmaceutical giant Glaxo Smith Kline, manufacturer of denture adhesive 'Poli-Grip,' announced today that there is no end in sight for the market shortage of the denture adhesive.

A company spokesperson said, "Frankly there is not enough 'Poli-Grip' on the market because of NHL hoarding." The company said they cannot produce enough of the product to satisfy public demand as well as hockey player demand. He added, "These are high priced athletes and they don't care how high the price goes up, they're willing to pay. Unfortunately, old people on fixed incomes can't buy the product and have to go toothless."

NHL commissioner Gary Betteman was unmoved. "Our players have no teeth. They have to eat and chew. Not to be uncaring, but give the seniors a can of 'Ensure' and forget about it."

Prices for a tube of 'Poli-Grip' are trading at $47.50 on the New York Mercantile Exchange. "It's crazy out on the floor," said trader Phil Gummer. "Just when you think it's hit a ceiling, someone comes up and bids up the price. I think it's fair to say we're looking at $100 a tube by the end of summer"

Senior citizen advocate I.M. Incontinet said, "There are millions of senior citizens who will not be able to eat corn of the cob for a whole summer. There's gonna be a lot of anger out on the streets. I HATE hockey!"

Drug dealers say there's black market 'Poli-Grip' available, if you know where to get it.

Houston, TX -- There is a new professional sports league on the block and it's coming to a town near you and you had better take cover.

The new "World Hunting Association" will begin operations this fall and will feature hunters from different towns competing with each other for prize money. "Americans love guns and they love to hunt, so why not a league for hunters," said commissioner Gary Farber. "Wouldn't you rather see some hunters going through your town thinning out the gene pool rather than watch nine innings of the Devil Rays against the Royals?, he asked.

Farber says there will be a draft where different teams will go after the top hunters in the nation. "And," he added, "it'll be a great sport to watch on television. We can see someone getting hunted down, shot, and then we break for a TV timeout. The audience can go to the fridge, get a beer, and be back in their seats anxiously awaiting if the victim bleeds to death or runs away injured."

The league says they have tons of sponsors and that they are going for that critical 12-18 year old demographic. "Kids love guns and love killing so we think we've got a great product to offer," said Saginaw coach, Max Mifflin.

The Arizona Double Barrels after their first practice. Coach Vance Havner said, "We're loose, we're ready to kill."

Nairobi -- The Masai tribe, a nomadic East African pastoral people who reside chiefly in Kenya and Tanzania, have entered a team in the FIFA World Cup.

Traditionally, cattle and sheep form the basis of the Masai economy that they have maintained in resistance to cultural change. The Masai live off the milk, blood, and meat of their livestock and usually don't get involved in sports. "But we think we can make some money off this World Cup thing," said tribal elder Oswegudu.

The tribe has hired two Londoners to coach the team of first time players. "How hard can soccer be?" asked Oswegudu. "You have a ball and you kick it around. It's not like American football with all that gear though we like gear and fighting."

Coach George Convery said that the team is raw but, "we're going to surprise some people. You'd be surprised how revved up these guys get after drinking cow blood mixed with cow milk. The only problem is that they have no money to pay for a coach so they're just paying me with dead birds."

Phoenix, AZ -- Former Arizona Diamondbacks pitcher Jason Grimsley, who is the target of a federal investigation regarding steroid usage, asked a pharmaceutical company for a refund.

"Basically I took HGH (human growth hormone) and it did nothing. I didn't get bigger, I didn't get better, and I didn't break any records so I'd like my money back," explained Grimsley. "It may be over thirty days past purchase date but I saved my receipt.," added Grimsley.

The store where Grimsley bought the drugs, 'Just Hormones,' said their exchange policy is clear. Lanny Luft, the store owner said that "the exchange policy is clearly written on a sign above the cash register, 30 days to return merchandise if you want a full refund." Luft added, "We'd be happy to give Jason a store credit for another hormone but his career is probably moot by now."

Luft wanted everyone to know that 'Just Hormones' is a complete hormone super store with lots of great hormones to chose from. "We've got a drug we've developed from the testes of a rare Tanzanian orangutan that it put a real swing in your sex drive, AND it's on sale all month for $39.95 a bottle," according to Luft.

'Just Hormones' advertises OBH (orangutan balls hormone) guaranteeing "a little dab will do ya!"

New York, NY -- While baseball's latest focus in its fight against sport performance drugs is on human growth hormone, it's amphetamines that former Yankee Jim Leyritz admitted to using.

Leyritz said he used amphetamines in 1990 during his rookie season. "I was going to admit to this earlier, like mabye fifteen years ago but I got real busy finishing the basement in my house. But I thought since probably no one remembers me, today would be as good as day as any to plaster my name in the paper," Leyritz told Jockweb.

In related drug news, Jimi Hendrix posthumously admitted to shooting heroin under his toenails because, "there was a really good vein there." Former Rolling Stones guitarist said, "I used so many drugs in the 60's I drowned in a swimming pool." Singer Janice Joplin also admitted to heavy drug usage and asked, "I used amphetamines too but I never made the Yankees."

If you would like to admit to past drug usage, Jockweb would be happy to plaster your name all over the place. If we can help in this regard, please contact our corporate offices.

June is "National Admit to Former Drug Experimentation" Month. IF we can help you publicize your former drug usage, we'd love to assist.

Rochester, NY -- For the first time in thirteen years, Michael Jordan has not been voted the fan's favorite male athlete. On online poll conducted by Harris Interactive determined the Tiger Woods is the most popular male athlete, essentially knocking Jordan off the pedestal.

Woods and his agent were clearly excited about the news because according to Woods, "I can now do underwear ads." Up to this point Jordan had cornered the advertising market modeling jockey shorts. "Michael has a nice package," said Woods, "but so do I. I'm looking forward to showing America what I've got below the belt."

The underwear fashion industry was reeling from the news. "For thirteen years, Michael Jordan has been synonymous with briefs," said fashion photographer Eric Croutch. "Americans are particular who they want to look at in their skivies," added Croutch. "I think people are going to get used to Tiger quickly.

Sociologist George Bore explained, "A culture likes to see a familiar face in underwear. When a man enters you're home in his underwear, it's important that we're comfortable with him. We are very comfortable with Michael and only time will tell if we get the same excitement about Tiger."

Woods has long been pigeon-holed in Buick and Nike ads and said, "I want to get a thong on and have my picture taken."

San Paulo, Brazil -- The greatest soccer playing in the world admitted yesterday that "I have an eating problem." Ronaldinho has ballooned up to 300 lbs. recently and may not be able to participate in the FIFA World Cup.

Brazil president Carlos Alberto Parreira, "It's bad enough he's ugly but now he's fat and ugly?" Ronaldinho confessed, "I eat because I don't feel good about myself. Even though I may be the richest athlete in the world, all I ever wanted in this world was Posh Spice." Ronaldinho was referring to Mrs. David Beckam, who he said he's had a crush on since he was 16.

"I've always wanted to bend it like Beckham but I'll never have the chance because she doesn't even know I'm alive, so I eat to console myself," continued Ronaldinho. "It's not unusual for me to eat a dozen Dunkin D's just as a snack while washing it down with a buttercream frozen latte with whipped cream." The soccer star, who by his own admission, "can score with anyone of a million hot Brazilian babes but only Posh Spice lights my fuse.

Ronaldinho said, "Don't be fooled by this jolly exterior, inside there's an unhappy little boy who wants to get out."

(PERIODICALLY JOCKWEB WILL BE PREVIEWING THE UPCOMING NFL SEASON WITH EXCITING INSIDER INFORMATION THAT ONLY A PUBLICATION LIKE OURS CAN GATHER)

Cinncinnati, OH -- Bengals receiver Chad Johnson is in secret rehearsals with a Broadway choreographer working on new celebratory routines to perform in the endzone. Johnson has agreed to let Jockweb reporter observe the rehearsals. Yesterday we watched as Johnson and dancer Kippy Kayman worked out the first routine. In the routine, Johnson runs into the stands after a touchdown, gets mustard and relish , from a hot dog vendor, buys a beer, comes back to the endzone, puts mustard and relish on the football, eats the football, washes it down with a beer, then tries to pass the football.

"I'm looking to be the Houdini of endzone celebrations," said Johnson. "I imagine before the game I'll have to drink a good amount of laxative but 65,000 will see a spectacle like they never have." Kippy Kayman added, "There is no connection to me being a dancer and this particular routine but I admit, watching Chad pass a football is thrilling. And the ensuing kickoff should be interesting too!"

An NFL spokesperson said that though the league is considering curtailing endzone celebrations, "but seeing a football come out of someone's ass has got to help attendance."

Jockweb will continue to bring you updates on the sixteen routines Johnson plans to develop.

Wilmington, DE -- Teen golfing phenom Michelle Wie was cited for underage drinking after passing out in a hotel lobby with fellow pro, John Daly.

"If Michelle is gonna hit with the big boys, she's got to party like the big boys," said Daly. Wie and Daly alternated shots of Jack Daniels while chasing them down with tour sponsored Bud Light. Daly asked, "What's the law for giving liquor to minors? Cause where I come from we just marry'em."

"Obviously Michelle tanked early," said the disappointed Daly. "She'll never make on the tour if she can't stay up past 9pm."

Wilmington police said they were called to the scene after Wie "chucked her cookies" at the plush Dupont Hotel. Police issued Wie a $125 citation for underage drinking. In lieu of the fine, Wie donated $10,000 to the Fraternal Order of Police and gave the department complimentary passes to the McDonald's LPGA tourney.

Jockweb would like to take this opportunity to warn our readers that getting fall down drunk could result in someone sitting their ass on your face.

Orlando, FL -- The tension between Knicks coach Larry Brown and GM Isiah Thomas move to a new high today at an NBA draft camp in Orlando, Florida.

ESPN reported that Brown sat at courtside and Thomas sat on the other side of the arena up a level or two from his coach. Both Brown and Thomas refused to discuss their rift but did pass notes about one another to third parties. Reporter Skip Bayliss, known for his "screechy chalk against the blackboard" manner said that both men passed notes him during the session.

Brown said, "Isiah is a poopie head," while Thomas wrote, "I know you are but what am I?" and "Larry's pees his pants." Bayliss said, "This is why we need 24-7 sports coverage. I need a Brown-Thomas feud because no one wants to watch me because I'm like screechy chalk against the blackboard."

Portland, OR -- Billionaire computer magnate Paul Allen announced that he was selling the Portland Trailblazers and their arena, the Rose Garden.

Allen cited the fact "the team sucks and nothing works, not even the 70,000 lucky towels I had shipped from Seattle." The Blazers have sunk to the bottom to the NBA standings and Allen anticipates a difficult sale.

"That's why I'm throwing some of my technical muscle behind the sale," Allen explained. "I'm asking 800 million dollars for the franchise and the arena. BUT if you act now, I'll throw in my 80% ownership on Commodore Computing. So you get the team, the arena, and the makers of the Commodore 64. That's a friggin good friggin deal."

"Take it from a computer guy like me, the Commodore 64 is one hellava machine," added Allen. "It's like I was saying to Bill Gates the other day, you can f%^& up a franchise, sell it at a loss, and still make money if you're Paul Allen or Bill Gates."

Allen sums up the deal, "So for 800 million, you get the Blazers with Darius Miles, the Rose Gardern with 1500 broken urinals, and all this tech equipment."

Rome, Italy -- A new book researching the soccer career of one Italian dictator Benito Mussolini is being released today.

The book, "Big Fat, Slow Benito Mussolini" is the work of historian Henry Chubbee. Chubbee explained, "I'm not really an historian but I was able to score some grant money and I needed a topic. With World Cup Fever high in Italy, I figured I could move some Mussolini product."

Chubbee pieced together some archival information, along with some interviews with a lot of old Italian guys. "Believe it or not, there were a ton of old Italian guys who still remembered Il Duce."

The facts reveal that Mussolini was a terrible soccer player. "He was fat, slow, and couldn't kick the ball two feet," said Chubbee. "And he was very sore loser. If your team beat Mussolini's team, he'd have the entire team shot. Needless to say, his team went undefeated in the 1939 season."

The book explains that Mussolini did score one goal in his career when a errant kick by a teammate bounced off his big, fat stomach into the goal. A excerpt from the book recalls the incident. "Benito was standing in front of the goal, probably offsides, sucking wind because he was a big, overweight out of shape dictator. Teammate Enzo Papparati took a shot from the eighteen yard line. The shot hit the post and Benito stood up at the same time. The rebounded shot hit off of Benito and the goal was scored. From that point on Benito thought he was hot shit. He strutted around saying things like, 'I score goal, I'm dictator, I get lots of chicks.' "

Mussolini supposedly after scoring the winning goal against Milan in 1939. "I'm better than Adolf," Mussolini bragged.

Houston, TX -- Houston Actors pitcher Roy Oswalt categorically denied that he was in any shape or form connected to the Kennedy assassination.

Hollywood director Oliver Stone suggested that they are similarities between the names Oswald and Oswalt. "What more evidence do you people need?" asked Stone. For years Stone has maintained the Kennedy assassination was the work of a group of conspirators and not the act of a single gunman.

Stone added, "He (Oswalt) knows something but someone high up in the government is paying to keep him quiet. It's just too damn coincidental that he dropped the 'd' at the end of his name.

Oswalt told reporters that, "I'm a dumb baseball player from Texas and I don't even read. I don't even know who Kennedy was." When told about the conspiracy theory put forth in the film, "JFK," Oswalt commented that, "I just got the whole Harry Potter series on DVD."

Could there be some connection between Lee Harvey and Ray? Stone says yes. We say that movie he made about "The Doors" sucked.

New York, NY -- Commissioner David Stern proudly announced that the NBA was one of the more progressive organizations in the country. Stern was speaking of the hiring of Amy Dittle, a dancer for the Portland Trailblazers.

"Amy dances here little feet off even though she lost her right hand," said Stern. "She can still shake that money maker," Stern quipped.

Dittle lost her hand in a cookie jar accident. It seems Dittle's little brother decided to play a prank on his sister and put his pet alligator in the cookie jar. When Dittle reached for a cookie, the alligator chomped down on her hand.

"I'm just to be happy dancing again," said the perky Dittle, "and I ran my brother over with my Honda Accord."

Dittle said she was thrilled to be a 'Blazerette' and she has quick become a fan favorite. One fan asked, "Who would you rather watch, the Blazers or a one handed dancer?"

Florida governor Jeb Bush issued a stern warning to Florida residents to watch for alligators hiding in cookie jars.

Atlanta, GA -- The mascot for the NBA Atlanta Hawks come forward in a press conference today and claimed she was the mother of Sixers guard Allen Iverson's love child.

Foxey Hawkey, flanked by her mother and attorney, said that Iverson and she had a short, steamy relationship and little Allena is the product of that relationship. "This is not about extorting money from Allen," emphasized Foxey, "it's about little Allena knowing who her father is."

A spokesperson for AI said that Iverson categorically denies the story. "He's never been intimate with a mascot though that little girl does look like Allen after he's taken a hard foul going to the hoop. We suspect it may be Kobe's kid."

Atlanta management stated that team policy is very clear about mascots and sexual conduct. "Our mascots should hold themselves to the highest standards of conduct and if Foxey Hawkey is seducing visiting players she will be reassigned." Foxey's attorney said, "this is just another case of a rich, NBA superstar coming into town and having his way and moving to another city."

New York, NY -- Speaking of up close and personal, newscaster turned football expert Katie Couric has something to say about the top NFL draft picks. Couric annually selects the top four prospects and spends time with them and makes predictions about their potential.

"I love Reggie Bush, but he's too, too fast," said the smiling Couric. "I just couldn't keep up with him," she added, 'but hey, I'm twice his age." Couric told reporters that Matt Leinert was by far the most seasoned. "You can tell he did more than play football during his four years."

Couric admitted some partiality toward Longhorns by saying, "Vince Young was by far the most athletic. You don't want to try and wrestle him down." And Texans draft pick Vernon Davis "is just an animal," finished Couric.

"One of the perks of being Katie Couric is that I get to know people in a deeper way and not to betray anyone's confidence but I will say the Class of 2006 has some special men graduating."

Matt Lauer was said to be a little miffed that Katie took over with the draft picks.

Newark, NJ -- New Jersey Nets forward Vince Carter will be starring in an adult film that he wrote, produced, directed, and acted in.

The film showcases Carter, who said that after basketball I think I have the stuff to make films. "Post Up" will be distributed through late night adult cable networks. Carter said, "I enjoyed making the film, I think it shows how creative you can be on a basketball court. Acting is very demanding especially when the camera moves in for a close up."

Carter had no previous acting experience except for a cell phone commercial where he played himself. "People think like when you do those sex scenes, it's not acting but you can't fool the camera. You've got to give the audience the whole experience," Carter added.

Ron Jeremy, veteran adult film actor, said, "what Carter does with a basketball upright is unique and new to the industry."

Sacramento, CA -- California governor Arnold Schwarzeneggar said he was shocked and surprised to be taken in the 3rd round by the Oakland Raiders in last month's NFL draft.

"Gee I haven't been this excited since I married into the Kennedy family and got a free Cape Cod vacation compound," said the actor.

Schwarzeneggar has no previous football experience but Raiders scouts don't seem to care. Raiders owner Al Davis believes with Schwarzeneggar anchoring his defensive line, the Raiders should have no problems getting a publicly financed football stadium in downtown Los Angeles.

Arnold the Governor said, "Hey I didn't have any political experience and look at me now, I'm the governor of California. So I learn a few plays and I make the Pro Bowl. How hard can it be? Don't forget, I starred in Kindergarten Cop."

Detroit, MI -- Piston power forward Rasheed Wallace bit into Reggie Miller's neck during a pre-game interview before the Eastern Conference finals game between the Heat and the Pistons.

Miller said that he detected a marked change in Wallace's demeanor but had no idea Wallace was a vampire. "I just thought he was a Philly guy," said Miller. Wallace, who has led the league in technical fouls for the past several seasons, explained that as a vampire, "I need other people's blood."

Wallace went on to say that, "I would have rather bitten Reggie's sister Cheryl in the neck but she wasn't in the building so I just had to make due with Reggie." Miller said that the whole experience was "kind of fun." "If he had bitten some of my ear off, I might have been a little miffed but hey what's a pint of blood between friends."

After feasting on Miller's neck, Wallace scored 11 points and grabbed 6 rebounds. "I was a little bloated," admitted Wallace.

Wallace preparing to bite Miller in the neck. "It kind of tickled," said Miller.

SPORTS JOKE OF THE DAY: Submitted by Richie H

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises,
two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a
difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.

We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one
of the cows had something white at its rear end.

I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with
my wife's monogram on it- stuck right in the middle of the
cow's arse.

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"

I don't remember much after that ......"

Cincinnati, OH -- The troubled offseason of Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Chris Henry has continued, with the one-year veteran arrested early Saturday and charged with speeding and operating a vehicle under the influence (OVI), the Ohio State Highway Patrol has confirmed.

This is the third time since December Henry has been arrested. However this time when Henry was stopped he told police that he was ex-Cincinnati Bearcat basketball coach Bob Huggins. "Off course the way he was driving, intially we believed him," said Trooper Stan Jaworski. "But then after we looked carefully we got a little suspicious."

Several backup units were called in to verify whether or not Henry was indeed Huggins. "Henry insisted that he was just on a regular recruiting trip but then we asked the question, 'didn't Bob Huggins get fired?" explained Jaworski. "All in all it was a pretty good trick," added the trooper. "But you can fool the Ohio State Highway Patrol some of the time but you can't fool us all of the time," closed Jaworski.

Sacramento, CA -- The Sacramento Kings introduced their new coach to the media yesterday. Former Golden State Warrior coach and present Grizzlies assistant Eric Musselman will take over the reins for the Kings replacing Rick Adelman.

Musselman said he was looking forward to next year and told reporters that the Kings would be defensive minded. After the press conference Musselman was introduced to several Kings players. The new coach accidentally spilled some water from a water bottle on forward Ron Artest. Artest immediately punched Musselman several times, blackening both of his eyes.

"It was just my way of saying, 'welcome,' " said Artest. "And I ain't gonna let know one spill water on me without punching him." Musselman said that the punch didn't bother him but, "I wasn't too happy when the other players held me down and continued to beat me to a pulp."

Kings owner, I.M. Aloof, said, "This is the kind of spirit we need. Eric is just going to have to learn that when Ron punches you that his way of saying, "I like you!"

Mussleman said that his apple butter tastes good on toast or right out of the jar.

Kennett Square, PA -- Kentucky Derby winner Barbaro is fighting the doctors and the hospital who have tried so valiantly to save his leg. Hospital officials say that the famous racehorse let his health insurance lapse.

"He's run up a pretty big bill with us and when we checked out his insurance we find out coverage expired in April," said a veterinary hospital spokesperson. "It's cases like this that are costing taxpayers millions," he added.

Barbaro said he forgot to renew the insurance because he was preparing for the Derby. The horse explained, "With all the excitement of winning, I just forgot. It was an honest mistake. And now these bastards want to put me out on the street."

Veterinary doctors said that Barbaro can well afford the medical bills but that he's just trying to cash in on the nation's sympathy. Dr. Rudy Filli commented, "He's worth $25 million just for screwing and now he's trying to screw us and it ain't happening."

Barbaro was sent home from the hospital and he is staying with relatives until lawyers sort the whole thing out.

Barbaro has had many costly procedures that have run up a huge bill and now he can't pay.

Los Angeles, CA -- Prosecutors decided Friday not to file charges against sophomore USC backup quarterback Mark Sanchez, who had been accused of sexually assaulting another USC student.

Indianapolis, IN -- Indiana University did not violate any laws when they met in separate groups to hear about plans to fire men's basketball coach Bob Knight in 2000, the Indiana Court of Appeals ruled Friday. The 3-0 ruling upheld a judge's decision last year that Knight's firing was totally legal.

The Court said, "Bob Knight cost the taxpayers of Indiana a lot of money in damaged chairs. We're real glad he's in Texas. Mabye a he'll get trampled by a cattle stampede. Better yet, mabye Dick Cheney will shoot him."

Knight called the court "immature and a bunch of namby-pampies." "I've got a good mind to go up to Indiana and kick that court's ass," said Knight. The Texas Court of Appeals met too and they ruled that the person responsible for bringing Knight to Texas will be executed by lethal injection.

Chicago, IL -- The "Harry Carey bandit" is out of business. After weeks of successfully dodging police, the former Cubs announcer was nabbed after robbing a suburban Chicago bank.

Police say that Carey was presumed dead but actually has been underground for the past few years robbing banks across the state. "He wore his characteristic thick black glasses and sang his infamous, 'Take Me Out To The Ballgame,' during every bank robbery," said a police spokesperson. "It wasn't like he was someone else."

Carey said his lack of disguise was the perfect disguise. "People would say, 'Hey I thought you were dead,' and I'd say nope, give me all the money and then I'd sign a few autographs. It was pretty easy money."

As he was led away by police Carey added, "I think I'll go back to being dead now."

Washington, DC -- The Super Bowl Champion Pittsburgh Steelers visited the White House earlier today and presented President Bush with a case of their native 'Iron City' beer.

Bush told the team that "Laura and the twins and I love a few frosty IC's before meals." With that Bush rip-corded a few cold cans of the brew and hee-hawed a few Texas cheers. He asked the Steelers, "Hey how you guys do against the Longhorns?. It's my understanding that they were pretty darn good." Bush became woozy after his second six pack and began to make fun of Steeler coach Bill Cowher. "That's one ugly coach you got there," Bush chuckled. "I'm pretty drunk and you're still pretty ugly," added Bush.

Cowher stood and scowled several mean looks that prompted Secret Service officials to close ranks around the President. Bush declared, "I hope my Secret Service guys do a better job than those officials that gave you that Colts game."

Vienna, Austria -- The Austrian Ski Federation cleared banned Olympic coach Walter Mayer of involvement with doping at the Torino Winter Games. Mayer was banned from the Olympics following allegations of blood doping at the 2002 Winter Olympics but went to Torino anyway because he said, "It's close to my house."

Mayer left Torino after police raided the living quarters of the Austrian biathlon and cross-country ski teams in search of banned substances and equipment, and crashed his car into a police blockade in Austria. He ended up in a psychiatric hospital. "I'm a wacky guy so I felt right at home with the other wackos," added Mayer.

While in the hospital Mayer began to sing and perform as one of the Von Trappe singers from the famous "Sound of Music" musical. He so impressed hospital and ski officials with his 'Julie Andrews' likeness that all of Austria has decided to forgive him for the doping charges. "His rendition of 'Edelweiss' bought tears to my eyes," said one official. "We don't care if all skiers urine samples turned out positive if Walt will just keep on singing."

Toronto, Canada -- Ricky Williams ran for seven yards on four carries in his CFL debut game against the Hamilton Tigercats and he ate the concessions department clearly out of inventory during halftime.

Williams described his voracious appetite as nothing more than a mild case of the "munchies," ate several dozen hot dogs along with popcorn, cotton candy, and peanuts. Williams said, "Frankly I'm surprised just how good the concession food is in Canada compared to Miami. And with a favorable exchange rate, I'm getting extra value for my money."

The Dolphin suspended back joked, "I think if they tested me now, all they'd find is a high concentration of sodium. I think it was obvious by my slow running that I should have stopped at three hot dogs."

Toronto fans didn't seem to care as Argonauts management gave away free "Grateful Dead" marijuana pipes.

Phoenix, AZ -- A Phoenix woman was severely beaten about the face and neck by the wife of Dallas Mavericks coach Avery Johnson.

Cassandra Johnson became enraged when a Phoenix fan failed to pass cotton candy from the aisle to Johnson. The woman told Johnson, "I don't do cotton candy." Words ensued and Johnson hit the fan in the jaw. The fan, who apparently could handle herself physically, landed several punches to Johnson, including what Johnson described as "low blows." "Even though I've got no testicles, I don't like when someone hits below the belt," said Johnson.

The fight seemed to be going in the fan's favor when the wife of Antonio Davis stepped in to help Johnson. Johnson was able to tag Davis, who took over and stunned the fan with several nice jabs to the nose and left eye. The fan's eye swelled but she asked her husband to "cut me, cut me!" The fan came back and at one time had Johnson pinned while she slapped Davis. Mavericks owner Mark Cuban, noticing the Johnson was taking a beating, jumped into the stands and pummeled the fan.

"We weren't going to get a fair decision in Phoenix," said Cuban. "I had to take matters into my own hands." The exhausted Cuban said in a press conference after the fight that "I have faced some tough women fighters but this girl deserves our respect. She fought hard."

Miami, FL -- Washington Redskins safety Sean Taylor reached an agreement with prosecutors to drop felony charges against him in a plea bargain that will keep him from serving jail time.

The deal calls for Taylor to serve 18 months probation and perform community service by talking to school age children. Taylor charges stemmed from an aggravated assault that he was involved in last year where he beat someone who tried to mess with his all-terrain vehicle.

This youngster is having a relaxing afternoon cruisin with his bitch. Taylor's advice to kids, "and don't let no one f%^& with your ho!"

Denver, CO -- Coby Karl, son of Denver Nuggets coach George Karl, has decided to pass up offers from the NBA and he will give up basketball completely.

The younger Karl said he has been battling depression since last fall when he took a biology class at Boise State. "We came to the chapter on Genetics and I found out that there's a pretty good chance that I'm going to look like my father," explained Karl. "So why delay the inevitable? I've decided to drink my ass off and let myself go prematurely."

The elder Karl commented, "It just shows the maturity of this kid. I'm proud of my son. Most kids would take that kind of knowledge and possibly go out and commit suicide. But he's decided to face the challenges of looking like a Karl."

The younger Karl admitted, "I look in the mirror and realize in ten years I'm going to look like Sgt. Schultz. Why couldn't someone cool like Pat Riley be my dad?"

Toby's great grandfather, Kaiser Karl, played briefly for North Carolina before entering politics.

Miami, FL -- Former New York Mets pitcher Dwight Gooden was released from prison after serving a sentence for cocaine possession.

"I'd rather be shot than go back to prison," said Gooden. "The next time I do drugs just shoot me." Moments after Gooden made that statement to reporters, he was offered a pipe with some crack cocaine and proceeded to get high. Moments after that the National Rifle Association announced the first "Hunt and Shoot Dwight Gooden" tournament.

Hunters will pay a $250 entry fee and will spend this weekend trying to hunt down Gooden and shoot him. The winner will take home the $10,000 winner takes all prize. "It's a good way to help out Dwight and to raise money for charity," said NRA member Sparky Feasel. Proceeds from the tournament will go to help the "Young Crack Hunters of Greater Miami." Feasel explained that the YCHGM is a wonderful activity for "the young people of Miami and it thins out the crack herd."

Gooden will wear his famous Mets No. 16 uniform so "hunters can distinguish between Gooden and the rest of the crack users."

If you shoot someone with this jersey on, you cannot collect the prize unless you've paid the tournament entry fee.

New York, NY -- Embattled New York Knicks coach said that waiting to hear about his firing has made him feel like a "dead man walking."

Brown's future has been in question since reports surfaced last month the owner James Dolan would like to put Brown to death. Dolan has solicited several contracts to Gotham mobsters to wipe Brown "off the face of this earth."

Questions have arisen that if Brown were put to death, would he surface in another city to coach again. "I think even if Larry were to be executed, he'd want to coach again and I think there are some NBA owners who'd want to talk with Larry," said Brown's agent Les Gold.

Sister Helen Prejean, the famous nun noted for counseling death row inmates said that she would welcome the chance to help Larry Brown prepare for his death. "What would Jesus do?" asked Sister. "I think if Jesus were on this earth today, he'd forgive Larry for trying to turn Stephon Marbury into a passing point guard. Though I'd think Jesus would also shake his head at the Steve Francis trade."

Sean Penn said he had no interest in playing Larry Brown if ever anyone decided to make a film about the Hall of Fame coach.

Knick owner Dolan said he's had a "special table" installed in the locker room for Coach Larry.

Tallahassee, FL -- Two former Florida State football players have been charged with stealing from the home of a current player and former teammate.

Cincinnati Bengals linebacker A.J. Nicholson and former wide receiver Fred Rouse, who was dismissed by coach Bobby Bowden at the end of last season for detrimental conduct, are charged with burglarizing the Tallahassee home of current Florida State running back Lorenzo Booker on May 20 or 21. Rouse was arrested and charged with three felonies: burglary of a dwelling, grand theft and unrelated possessions of a controlled substance without a prescription, which was ecstasy. Rouse has been released on bond. An outstanding warrant for Nicholson has yet to be exercised.

The players deny that they were stealing from Rouse. "Okay, we borrowed a cup of sugar. But we told Lorenzo we were taking the sugar, I swear to God," said the emphatic Rouse. "Alright, and mabye I borrowed his 'Norton Anthology of British Literature' without asking. And I admit, I took some of his Mozart CD's but I was going to give them back," added Rouse.

Booker said that he was hurt that teammates he thought were his friends would break in to his house. "Look if he needed to read 'Jane Eyre' so goddamn bad, he could have just asked," said an angry Booker. "Look, I understand that kind of compulsion. But to just take an anthology without telling is lowdown."

Coach Bobby Bowden said it's this kind of high brow intellectual crime that gives his program a bad name. "We're a goddamn football factory and what the hell are these guys doing reading books? We're not going to tolerate this sort of thing at FSU."

A desktop sample of the Norton Anthology vaguely representing the copy stolen by Nicholson and Rouse.

San Francisco, CA -- Barry Bonds finally got the home run monkey off his back as he slugged his record breaking 715th home run.

However, despite reaching the milestone, Bonds said that the record is "bittersweet because of the steroid cloud of suspicion." Allegations of steroid use have followed Bonds for several years despite his emphatic denial that, "I've never used steroids."

Those close to the Giants organization say that Bonds appears smaller since his return to the field this year. Longtime Giants fan Hack Lunger said, "I got up close to him and I'm telling you there's no way this guy's on steroids. He looks like he could play for twenty more years."

Bonds has always maintained that a strict diet and exercise regimen have been the keys to his homerun success. "I'm blessed to look and feel young but that doesn't sell papers."

New Brunswick, NJ -- Four female Rutgers University seniors were refused diplomas after what officials described as "an embarrassing national spelling mistake."

After body painting themselves with letters, the girls repeatedly tried to put together the school name. After several failed attempts of ROGU, UGOR, OGUR, and GORU, the girls gave up in frustration. University spokesperson Sheldon Swansung commented, "It was clear to all in attendance that these girls should have never gained admittance to a University."

A further look into their transcripts revealed that all four girls failed to even get the points for spelling their names correctly. Swansung added, "If our school is in India then GORU is perfectly legitimate but this is Jersey!"

The family of the girls have retained attorneys saying that "You can't spell Rutgers when you only have four navels." Ralph Fitzbaugh, father of student Erin Fitzbaugh said, "Okay so my daughter's not so smart but I'm happy she's cute."