JockWeb Sports Source

Palm Beach, FL -- In a bizarre twist of events, the Heisman trophy that belongs to OJ Simpson, came alive and ran away from OJ.

The football player trophy escaped from the Simpson house at approximately 12:30pm on Saturday while OJ was playing golf. The trophy escaped from the house and was seen running down a nearby highway. The trophy hijacked a car and evaded a police chase for close to four hours. Finally, the police apprehended the trophy and place him under arrest.

The trophy later said, "I was embarrassed living with OJ so I tried to make a break for it. I hope they don't send me back." OJ later said with some relief, "He's going on ebay first thing tomorrow."

This is not the first Heisman trophy to run away. Steve Spurrier's Heisman ran away from during his coaching tenure with the Redskins. The Spurrier trophy commented, "I had it pretty bad with Spurrier but I can't imagine what it was like to live with OJ. He must have been afraid for his trophy life."

OJ's Heisman is available on ebay where OJ hopes he can raise enough to cover Saturday's golf bets.

Philadelphia, PA -- Philadelphia city officials say they're feeling cheap and used by the International Olympic Committee after the IOC told them that the city will be removed from the list of possible 2010 hosts.

Mayor John Street said, "They had lots of Philadelphia free sex and we gave them our number and they promised to call in the morning and just like every other guy, they never called."

Street was referring to the city's all out blitz to attract the games to Philadelphia. A city spokesperson described the IOC as a bunch of "old Europeans who want free booze and sex." The IOC officials demanded that they eat, drink, and be lavished with gifts and prostitutes in exchange for site consideration. "It was all a scam," said the Mayor. "For one week these old prunes partied like Tommy Lee and then they're off to another town to do the same."

IOC President Jacques Bogge said, "It's a pretty good set up, heh? Every city falls for it and we're getting laid more than Hugh Hefner."

Lancaster, PA -- Tour de France winner Floyd Landis continued to fight back allegations concerning performance enhancement help in winning the prestigious bike race.

His doctors confirmed was Landis has been saying all along. "Mennonites have abnormally high levels of testorsterone. Men from this region of the country (and plenty of the women) are what we call, 'hyper-macho,' " said Doctor Lars Swenfenton. "If you want to see some bad ass dudes go to a barn raising with some Mennonites or Amish. These guys are just bulging with gonad juice."

Floyd's mother, Mrs. Landis said, "Floyd's just like his daddy, overflowing with testosterone. And let me tell you, Floyd's daddy is about as much Mennonite man as one can handle."

Landis has maintained that there's nothing unusual about his test results. "Mennonites and Puerto Ricans have more testosterone than the average male. That's why you see more Mennonite and Puerto Rican gangs roaming the streets than other ethnic groups with lower testosterone levels. It just so happens it works for me in a bike race and everyone's up in arms."

Vinny Gobarino of the famed New York Gobarino crime family said, "Hey, we got big testosterone levels too and if the Mennonites move into our turf, we'll see who's got the balls." Gobarino promised that next year, Team Gobarino will be entering a couple of bikers in the Tour de France.

Doctors say that there is as much testosterone at an Amish barn raising as there is in buffalo stampede.

With age comes wisdom.........

A guy is 81 years old and loves to fish.
He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say,
"Pick me up."
He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was
dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, "Are you talking to me?"
The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss
me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.
I'll then give you more sexual pleasure that you ever could
have dreamed of."
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over,
picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.
Then ! the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said
kiss me and I will give you sexual pleasures like you have never had."
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at
my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

Philadelphia, PA -- Embattled Phillies pitcher Brett Meyers is in the hot seat once again. Meyers recovering from last month's accusations of wife beating, is back in jail with new assault charges.

The incident happened a few games back when the Phillies visited the Los Angeles Dodgers. Dodger catcher Tom Hall said that he was just making polite conversation when Meyers became aggressive. "I wasn't sure what was going on and it was only later that I realized I was a victim of sexual assault. I feel cheap and used."

Meyers denied that his intent was sexual and said the act was consensual. "We were just a couple of guys rolling around being guys," said Meyers. "Why must everyone accuse me of assault?"

32,093 witnesses gave statements to the police. One Dodger fan said, "A close play at the plate turned into a closer play at the plate." Meyers has undergone counseling said Phillies owner Bill Giles so "if he plays a little rough we've got the invoices to prove that we got him help. We hope Brett doesn't lose anytime in the rotation."

The jury will have to decide if there was sexual intent or was Meyers just doing some old fashion rough housing?

JOCKWEB SUBMISSION OF THE WEEK: Thanks to Richie H. for sending us this photo. If you have a article or picture you want to submit, we'd love to print it. We can't afford to pay you but we promise to post your name and if we run into you, give you a pat on the ass and say, "Good job!"

Liverpool, England -- Phil Mickelson's recent run of bad karma is getting worse. Mickelson, who self destructed on the final hole of the U.S. Open, continues to his struggles. Mickelson was a non-factor at the British Open but that's been the least of his problems.

"Everywhere Phil goes he is bringing disaster," said his wife Amy. "I've been trying to get him to lock himself in his room but he insists on traveling." Mickelson is now being referred to by other tour players as "the cooler." Longtime pro Greg Norman said, "I've got enough bad luck to last a century and I think I'm finally passing the torch to Phil."

Witnesses say that just standing near Mickelson can bring disaster. "I was standing near Phil on the fifth tee when I was struck by lightening," said Tom Watts. A craps player at a local casino described going, "ice cold," when Phil entered the room.

Mickelson agreed there seemed to be a dark cloud following him. The bad luck culminated this weekend after the Open championship. Phil had decided to take a ferry boat across the English Channel to do some shopping in Paris. The boat sank but fortunately no one was injured. The boat captain said the only plausible explanation was that Phil Mickelson was on the boat. "The seas were calm, there was no wind, but Phil was on board and disaster struck again. I wish he'd go home and lock himself in his room until this passes."

An English Channel ferry boat moments before sinking. "I feel about as bad as hitting driver on 18 at Winged Foot," Phil said.

Beirut, Lebanon -- Tiger Woods masterfully handled last weekend's British Open at Royal Liverpool Golf Club but was kidnapped by terrorists on his way to the airport.

A Scotland Yard investigator said, "Tiger played Royal Liverpool with real intelligence, leaving his driver in the bag for the four days. What was Sergio Garcia thinking? It's just too bad no one posted a serious challenge to him. Of course now he's going to have to play with Hezbollah."

Moments after the kidnapping, the alleged terrorist organization claimed responsibility for the kidnapping. Hezbollah said that Tiger will not be killed but be used to give golf instructions to terrorist. In a prepared statement the group said, "Terrorists need time to relax and unwind on the golf course just like stockbrokers. Tiger will help all of the members of our organization lower their handicaps."

A blindfolded Woods said, "I think my kidnapping is good for golf. Hopefully we can turn these guys into good golfers and I can get back for the PGA championship."

A photograph of Woods was released working with Hezbollah soldiers at the "Hezbollah Golf Academy."

Venice Beach, CA -- Record setting oil prices are hurting everyone across the economy but California bodybuilders are taking their fair share of the punishment.

Bodybuilder Sandy Shiner said, "Without oil we look like shit." Shiner explained that oil is going for fifteen to twenty bucks a bottle and that can add up. Shiner said she'll have to think twice before the next competition on how to economically oil her body.

Fellow bodybuilder George Kurious said, "I oil everything and I mean everything. I can easily go through six to seven bottles a day. I may have to spend a hundred bucks in a competition to win a trophy of a guy flexing in a thong. It's killing me."

Several companies have rushed to the marketplace with alternatives. Shiner said, "I'm partial to Nigerian crude but a nice Alabama soybean doesn't do a bad job." "But," she added, "the problem with vegetable oil is that people want to toss you in a salad."

We're willing to drive less to do our part so that women bodybuilders can have enough oil.

Philadelphia, PA -- When top female tennis player Lindsay Davenport was looking for help with her game, she contacted Jockweb and asked if our world renown sports psychologist Randy Marks would be available for a consultation.

"I've been reading Randy's advice column 'Ask the Sport Psychologist' for some time and I find Randy insightful and right on the mark," said the tennis star. "I've tried expensive coaches and personal trainers, trips to Tibet to consult with the Dalai Lama, low and high carb diets but nothing seems to work," explained a dejected Davenport.

Fortunately Randy had time to spend with Lindsay because basically it was the first time anyone with money had asked him for his opinion. Randy told staff members, "What I found was unbelievable. I mean UNBELIEVABLE. This girl wow, has some, wow, major, weird stuff going on. But I can't say anything more due to professional confidentiality issues. But WOW, Lindsay is something else. That's all I say on the matter."

When pressed further Randy could say that his advice to Lindsay was "to imagine the tennis ball as her father's head and then swing away." Randy said that most women have issues with Daddy so "it's a safe bet if you can just swing the racket at your father's imaginary head, you'll improve your forehand." Davenport later asked, "The guy's an idiot, do I really have to pay for this lame advice?"

Though still in denial, Davenport is using the Marsh imagery technique of seeing the tennis ball as her father's head.

Hazzard County, GA -- Bo and Luke Duke, who fought the corrupt practices of Hazzard County Commissioner Boss Hogg and his bumbling brother-in-law Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane, have been evicted from their homes and are fighting dementia.

The Duke boys, a pair of 'Robin Hood types complete with flaming bows and arrows, were assisted in their crusade by their car, an amazing 1969 orange Dodge Charger named 'The General Lee.' Bo, who still has some of his faculties said that, "fast living, easy women and Uncle Jesse really made us age prematurely." After the show, the actors spent several years looking for another series but Bo explained, "Once you're an illiterate southern stereotype you ain't exactly gonna be cast in any Shakespeare plays."

"We were getting old and fat but we still had a cool car," Bo said. "We just did what most people in our situation would do, we made a career out of NASCAR and felt right at home." Unfortunately for Bo and Duke, NASCAR expanded it's fan base and has no retirement plan.

Bo and Duke say they are reaching out to anyone who feels their story, "This can happen to anyone who portrays illiterate southerners."

Paris, France -- Cyclist Floyd Landis scored an amazing victory in the Tour de France using amazing willpower and concentration to battle for the victory. Landis cycled throughout the grueling race with an arthritic hip and said at the finish, "Oooowwwww!"

But the excitement of Landis' victory was short lived when he learned that his parents, who are devout Mennonites, were arrested for stealing a television set. Mennonites, a conservative religious sect, shun technology. "Mennonites usually shun technology," said Professor Leonard Swill, Professor of Religious Studies at nearby Pennsylvania Institute of Technology. Swill explained, "I've been studying the Mennonites all of my life and I've written books about them that probably no one's read but I will say this about the Mennonites, they usually shun technology. In fact, in my last book, "Mennonites Shun Technology," I dedicate several chapters to the fact the Mennonites usually shun technology.

Landis' parents wanted to watch their son in his groundbreaking victory but they had no television. Mrs. Landis, disguised as Harrison Ford, from the movie, "Witness," broke into a nearby electronics store and stole a television set. Unfortunately, when the Landis couple arrived home with the set, they realized they had no cable. So Mr. Landis had to climb up a pole and steal cable service. He was able to hook up the cable service and then was plugged into over 90 channels.

The Landis parents were apprehended several hours later and the television was recovered. Mr. Landis said to reporters after posting bail, "We never did get to see Floyd on television cause we kind of got hooked on that Playboy channel. We're gonna have to re-think this technology shun thing."

Mr. Landis said he quickly became a fan of Carmen Electra. "Those Baywatch re-runs will keep you off a tractor," he said.

London, England -- Jockey Paul O'Neill head butted his horse, City Affair, after the horse fail to win, place, or show in a weekend horse race.

The jockey supposedly lured the horse into a false sense of security with a lump of sugar and then nailed him between the eyes with his forehead.

O'Neill said, " If you haven't tried it, it feels very cathartic to head butt the horse. We lose the race and he had nothing to say except that my parents were terrorists. And he's right. My father bombs building for the IRA and then we get drunk and head butt who is ever in our way."

The horse denied saying anything other than, "Stop hitting me with that fuckin stick!" City Affair added, "Christ I can't run any goddamn faster with that imbecile on my back and then he's hitting the shit of my ribcage with a riding stick. Goddamn right, he's a terrorist. I coulda hoofed him in the nuts but he ran away too fast."

O'Neill said later that "let's have bygones be bygones" and then added, "what the frig is a bygone anyway?" The English Thoroughbred Racing Association was considering sanctions against O'Neill. Association President Bryce Wallader said, "We think that he shouldn't be able to play in the first two games of the 2010 World Cup."

O'Neill says he gently strokes the horse while pretending to look away and then pow, he knocks the horse out with a solid headshot.

Los Angeles, CA -- Legendary Hollywood extras Harve Fishman and Bernie Talbot were killed during the filming of the new golf comedy "Caddyshack 17."

Fishman and Talbot have appeared jointly in over 100 films throughout their careers. If viewers look really closely they might recognize the pair as the policemen at the donut shop in Episode 49 of the famed TV drama "Adam Twelve," or as the baseball fans in the background in the Disney classic, "Angels in the Outfield."

The actors were extras in a scene where they had to sit in a golf cart and do nothing. "It was just one of those establishing shots that we use to establish location, in this case a golf course," said director Sam Shepardson. "But Bernie must have accidentally hit the gas pedal careening the cart into a deep sand bunker."

"Harve and Bernie were a joy to work with," added Shepardson. "These were two consummate professional extras. Even though they never had a line and just had to sit doing nothing, they gave more of themselves to their art. They lived as extras and they died as extras. Fishman and Talbot are going to be missed in this town for about a long three minutes, which is more than their combined screen time over their careers."

Fishman and Talbot moments before they plunged to their death. "Caddyshack 17 is going to even funnier than Caddyshack 16," said director Shepardson.

Chicago, IL -- An Illinois judge threw out the paternity case against retired NBA legend Michael Jordan but added, "Michael, we know you were getting some 'tang' but we've got no good pictures to prove it."

Jordan was in court to battle allegations that he reneged on a promise to pay an ex-girlfriend $5 million in hush money when she claimed she was pregnant with his child. Judge Arnold Ziffel ruled in the Cook County Circuit Court that any alleged agreement between Jordan and Karla Knafel would be invalid, pointing to definitive tests that showed Jordan is not the child's father. A relieved Jordan smiling said, "I swear I never had sex with this woman...okay mabye I had like Bill Clinton sex, you know the kind that you don't remember but you left some stained clothing behind?"

Judge Ziffel worked out a settlement that seemed to work for everyone. "Come on Michael," said Ziffel, "fess up. You've got a billion dollars and no job, you've got lots of time for random acts of sex." Jordan winked at the judge. The judge then suggested in lieu of the $5 million, "why not just give her a life supply of Air Jordan sneakers?" Both Jordan and Knafel thought that was an excellent suggestion and inked the settlement. Knafel, an ex-college basketball player turned unemployed actress, said, "I could never afford Air J's before and now I have a new pair every year for life. I'm satisfied."

Montceau - Les - Mines, France -- Cyclist Lance Armstrong met yesterday with Tour de France director Jean-Marie LeBlanc to try and heal the riff between them. LeBlanc has continuously accused Armstrong of using performance enhancement drugs throughout his career.

Armstrong agreed to meet LeBlanc on the Discovery team bus but the meeting quickly turned ugly when LeBlanc asked Armstrong for his ex-girlfriend's phone number. "All I asked was that would he mind if I tried to have sex with his old girlfriend Sheryl Crow." said LeBlanc. "That is what we do in France, we try to have sex with everyone's girlfriend or wife. It is a compliment."

Incensed, Armstrong said no ex-girlfriend of his would have sex with a guy name Jean-Marie. "I'd rather she have sex with Lisa-Marie," Armstrong said referring to Lisa-Marie Pressley. Armstrong proceeded to kick LeBlanc off the bus and then took control of the bus and tried to run LeBlanc over. "There are deep issues between us," said Armstrong and I'd like to be mature and handle it like grown men but it's more fun trying to run someone over with a big bus."

Sheryl Crow commented later, "Wow, sex with a Pressley? That could probably be a song ."

Singer Sheryl Crow refused to have sex with LeBlanc or Pressley after hearing the proposition.

Neveragainland, CA -- Singer Michael Jackson revealed that he was more than just another singer with a cosmetically altered face. "People misjudge me all the time but there's more to me than people want to see," Jackson said at the Southern California AAU wrestling championships.

"I'm quite an athlete and I can be quite physical," Jackson explained after pinning 15 year-old Pete Baumman. For Jackson, "wrestling is therapeutic and gives me a chance to get out my aggression." Jackson's management team said that the tournament also provided a gauge to see how the public would react to Jackson after he recent court battles

Jackson plans a worldwide tour next year and his manager said, "we wanted to see if Michael Jackson is still a force in the pop scene." After the match Jackson said that he would cancel the tour plans and take up wrestling full time. "I haven't had this much fun since last night when I had a whole cub scout troop sleep over," he added. "Wow, there are so many tight squeezes in a wrestling match that I'd pay to do more of this."

Jackson offered Baumman wine and beer before their match. "He's really a nice guy," said Baumman, "and a lot stronger than I gave him credit for."

Oklahoma City, OK -- The Seattle Supersonics were sold to an Oklahoma investment group who plans to move the team to Oklahoma City. On the same day it was announced that the New Orleans Hornets will also move to Oklahoma City.

Oklahoma City councilman Ray Magin said, "How about that? For our entire history, there's never been anyone who wanted to move here at all and now we get two teams on the same day." City fathers are convinced the city can support two professional basketball franchises side by side. Magin added, "There ain't much to do in these parts except mabye bowling and watching strippers so we're gonna love pro basketball. If LA can have the Lakers and Clippers then OC can have the Hornets and the Sonics."

However both ownership groups are disputing who should stay and who should go. "We were here first," said Hornets owner Ray Shinn. "We're taking the best nights of the week and they can have all the Monday nights. Mondays I've got pottery classes so they can play then. Tuesdays I go bowling and Wednesdays I go to the strip joints."

Former Sonics power forward Shawn Kemp, who was recently arrested on a drug charge said he was looking forward to playing for both teams. "Somebody's gotta want me, Kemp said at his arraignment. NBA commissioner David Stern asked if one of the teams would hire Larry Brown just "for old times sake?"

Former Sonics Shawn Kemp who resides in Houston said he was confident that he "could score something in Oklahoma City."

Daytona Beach, FL -- Paul Hospenthal, the husband of racing sensation Danica Patrick, told reporters that he was filing for divorce after one year of marriage.

"Call it stress, call it the effect of g-forces, but I'm telling you, this is not the girl I promised to spend the rest of my life with," explained Hospenthal. "Everything was fine when the lights were out but one day, I noticed that in the daylight things weren't good." Hospenthal added that Patrick, because of her celebrity endorsements, is forced to use "tons of makeup but when the makeup comes off, wow, you can how the stress of NASCAR is effecting her."

Patrick said the announcement couldn't have come at a worse time. "I'm trying to get a new racing contract and he drops this bombshell. Okay, so I'm aging but I'm aging gracefully. I think Paul's forgetting who has all the money," Patrick said. "And I'm not saying he should sleep with metal jockey shorts but you never know. I'm pretty good at slicing the roast beef."

Patrick said that she wanted to let her natural color grow out. "I was much more fun as a blonde," she added.

Los Angeles, CA -- Thousands of University of Southern California students gathered today to celebrate the birthday of rock legend Roy Orbison.

"It was either celebrating the fact that we're number two in the nation or Roy's birthday," said sophomore Tony Tobin. "And with most of our team in jail or on work release, this year doesn't look too good." Fans sang Orbison hits like "Pretty Woman" and "Only the Lonely" but the song "It's Over" bought tears to everyone.

"Seeing Reggie Bush in a Saints uniform is enough for me to curl up on the ground like a Robert Downey Jr. on heroin withdrawal," said Trojans coach Pete Carroll. "And then Matt Leinert's replacement needs salt peter in his gatorade. Roy's birthday looks like the only bright spot."

USC Assistant Vice President Dr. Francis Werhlinger, "USC fans haven't had this much excitement since the OJ trial."

A USC fan sports a Roy Orbison painting on his chest. The student added, "Man, Roy wore some thick glasses."

Coney Island, NY -- Barney Underwood, a regular on the competitive eating tour, won yesterday's Brooklyn Invitational Cigarette Eating Contest, only to die after claiming the $1500 first prize.

Underwood successfully placed 125 cigarettes in his mouth, smoked them and ate the butts all in one movement. "It was the most impressive competitive eating feat I've ever witnessed," said Darn Hotley, a fellow contestant. "Eating cigarettes is a lot tougher than hot dogs mainly cause they're lit and burn the shit out of your mouth. And they don't taste too good either."

Shortly after ingesting the cigarettes, Underwood developed a large growth on his lungs and die immediately. Family members said that Barney would be remembered for his extremely large mouth and his ability to eat large amounts of cigarettes. "Wow, I've got a hellava legacy to live up to," said Barney Jr. "He was a great dad, with a sense of humor, and he once gave my fourth grade class the greatest 'show and tell' of all time."

Barney will be cremated and placed in several ash trays around the Underwood home.

Denver, CO -- Bruce Arena stepped down as coach of United States Soccer team after eight years as coach. Arena did not give any reasons other than "I'm sick and tired of my whole life. Football and basketball coaches get all the money and all the good looking girls. All I got was a cheap pair of Adidas coaching shoes."

France's Andre LaFemme appears to be the leading candidate to replace Arena. LaFemme, a chimp from Tanzania, has no previous coaching experience but his resume does include a stint on the "Ed Sullivan Show," a 1960's variety show that featured many acts with animals.

LaFemme said that the fact that he is a chimp shouldn't matter. "It's just a bunch of guys kicking a ball around," said LaFemme. "How tough can that be to coach?" He added that his number one priority is to create fan interest in the U.S., which traditionally has been non-existent. "My brothers and I have this great act where we play with a soccer ball while playing "Hello Dolly" on a piano. It's extremely cute and people love to watch chimps doing just about anything."

Several of the team members commented that LaFemme appears to be a good choice. "That fact that he's a chimpanzee and can talk, separates him from the pack," said one midfielder. "We're just going to have to remember to have bananas with the Gatorade.

Lafemme, a legend among chimps, will try to change the fortunes of the lackluster U. S. team.

Chattanooga, TN -- Racing car legend Richard Petty is not the nice, easy going gentleman he appears to be. Jockweb followed Mr. Petty for several weeks for our annual "NASCAR and Your IQ" edition.

What we found is that Richard Petty is sadistic and cruel, especially when it comes to senior citizens. We were with Petty as he visited a retirement community outside of Chattanooga. The staff told the patients of the nursing facility that Richard Petty would be visiting and "racing some cars with them." "The patients were excited," said aide Penny Partial. "Most have had their licenses taken away so you can imagine how excited they were when they heard they'd be racing Richard Petty."

However once Petty got to the home he and some of his crew set up a hot wheels track then laughed when several demented patients tried to climb in a toy car. Partial added, "This is not the Richard Petty I thought I knew. But the good thing is most of our residents think he's Elvis so it was a real good activity."

Petty scares this 83 year old patient into thinking he'll be hit by a race car. "Duck old timer," Petty said.

Liverpool, England -- Golfer Nick Faldo squirmed a bit yesterday after learning that he was paired with Tiger Woods in the first round of the British Open.

Faldo, who has not played golf in several months, said that he was afraid Tiger "is going to come after me with a nine iron." Woods is said to be looking for revenge against Faldo for comments he made last year about the size of Wood's manhood. The British golfer was employed by NBC as a part-time analyst when he jokingly revealed that he had seen Tiger in the shower and that "Tiger was longer in his pants than he was in the fairway."

Woods later revealed that as a private person, he rarely showers in public locker rooms. "Nick saw my noodle and blabbed about it to anyone who would listen," said Tiger. Faldo insists he did nothing wrong. "I get paid to analyze and Tiger's member is part of the analysis. That he can generate that much club speed carrying that horse like package is a marvel of physics and what makes the game of golf so damn exciting."

Woods did sheepishly admit that "with a billion dollars, a hot supermodel wife, and a supersized order to go, things are okay in my life."

Faldo describing Woods long iron during last year's telecast. "They don't call him Tiger for nothing," said Faldo.

Kennett Square, PA -- Barbaro, the injured Preakness horse, who has received about as much media attention as Bill Clinton's groin, is reported to be making great strides after a visit yesterday by several Playboy Playmates.

Miss May, June, and July stopped by the hospital with flowers and oats for the recovering horse. Miss July stroked his mane and said, "He's bigger in person than on TV." Doctors say Barbaro reacted well to the stroking by standing up and dancing of three hooves.

Dr. Ted Hardy said, "I've seen this a million times. Doctors do their best to heal a patient, and then the Playmates come in and get all the credit. I don't know why we don't just let them run our hospitals." Playboy founder Hugh Hefner put down his walker long enough to photograph the visit. "I don't think we ever did a horse pictorial," said the octogenarian, "but it one of a billion fantansies I've had."

Barbaro later tapped his foot four times indicating that he gave all the Playmates, four stars.

Editor's note: We know you are disappointed with the above picture of a horse instead of Miss May, June, and July. But Hugh Heffner is armed with a gaggle of attorneys who would bankrupt our already bankrupt enterprise.

Chicago, IL -- Michelle Wie announced that she will be taking a leave of absence for the LPGA Tour after being hospitalized with exhaustion.

"I just need a little time off the be a 16-year old kid," said Wie through a respirator. It was actually garbled speech that sounded more like "grrrburrerrrahhhooo" but the essence of her message is that the golfing phenom needs a break.

Wie said that she'll be working at a Wendy's late night pickup window for the next six months. "I like Wendy's value menu. You know, you can lots of stuff for just a buck," she added. LPGA sponsors are said to be "really pissed" because "no one's gonna tune in if Wie is working at Wendy's."

Some fellow golfers weighed in with their opinions. Pro turned Golf Channel announcer Dottie Pepper said, "Michelle has a reputation for slow play, so I can't imagine how she handle the pickup window. There's a lot more pressure trying to keep the cars moving at the pickup window than on the LPGA tour."

On Wie's first day on the job there was a 20 car backup. "God, she's slow," said her irate manager.

Gap, France -- Pierrick Fedrigo of France won Stage 14 of the Tour de France on Sunday but Spain's Oscar Pereiro retained the overall lead. Pereiro has refused to wear the yellow shirt of the leader.

"We're like a couple weeks into this bike race and that shirt really stinks," said Pereiro. "There's been about ten sweaty guys wearing that shirt and there ain't a deodorant made that can stand up to this race."

French cyclist Guy Fromonne said that Pereiro has disgraced all of France. "We don't bathe, we enjoy our own scent and the scent of others. To wear a sweaty, yellow shirt that has been sweated in by many others is a great honor," said Fromonne. Fromonne added that Tour de France tradition states that the leader should also wear the yellow jockstrap of current stage winner.

Pereiro said, "that ain't gonna happen even at gunpoint." He added, "This is 2006, can mabye we run this yellow shirt through the wash cycle with a cup of Tide?"

Pereiro added, "Not only does it smell, it's a really cheap t-shirt with a bad silkscreen job."

Boston, MA -- It is very easy to become cynical in this day of high priced, pampered athletes. That's why today's incident at famed Fenway Park stands as a monument to the power of sport to bring us together as a community.

Usually the Boston Red Sox and New York Yankees are bitter baseball rivals. But today the animosity and disdain for one another was momentarily droppped as the milk of human kindness poured down on the good fans of Beantown. Boston catcher Jason Varitek stopped the Boston-Oakland game in the third inning to help an old friend, who happened to be a Yankee.

Phillips has long had vision problems corrected by contact lenses. Unfortunately, Phillips has never got the hang of putting the lenses in his eyes. "I just can't stand poking myself in the eye. So I normally I just don't put them in and end up going 0 for 4." But last winter in a Florida league, Phillips was paired on a team with Varitek. Varitek began helping Phillips day by day putting his contact lenses in. "Jason was a real lifesaver. He's got a touch like no other."

So each game no matter where, Phillips makes his way to find Varitek and gets some much need eye care assistance. "It's sort of getting old," said Varitek, "but I really don't have the nerve to tell Andy that I can't be bothered. As long as he's willing to get to Fenway, I guess I can help him get his lenses in."

Some observers believe that Phillips obsession with only letting Varitek touch his eyes is bordering on obsessive but as Yankee owner George Steinbrenner explained, "Ballplayers are just funny sometimes."

Varitek helping Phillips with a lens. "I've got great dexterity with a mitt on," Varitek proudly said.

Marina Del Computer, CA -- Golfer Phil Mickelson still recovering from his 18th hole meltdown at last month's U.S. Open, finally snapped during a practice session yesterday.

Mickelson was practicing at his home course, preparing for the upcoming British Open. Witnesses said Mickelson appeared to be relaxed until a passerby asked him how it felt to double bogey on the final hole to lose a national championship. "His face immediately took a Satanic look, sort of like that Damien guy in 'The Omen'," said Bart Giamatti, who was cutting grass on an adjacent fairway."

Mickelson began to rapidly hit balls to a public beach, aiming at bystanders who were sunbathing. "You want to see me choke?" he screamed. "Well how about you all choking on a little Titleist?" he shouted as he hit several families on the beach and in the surf.

Callaway spokesperson George Ivens said later that "Phil clearly broke his exclusive marketing agreement with Callaway. Phil should have been aiming Callaway's new high compression ball at the beachgoers rather than rival Titleist."

Emergency medical technicians responded to the scene, treating over thirty people for high velocity hits. "Wow, Phil seems to be able to put the ball where he wanted today," said Barney Noodleman. "Let's hope he can carry this momentum to the U.K."

Mickeleson taking aim at swimmers. "He was in his zone," said caddy Bert Brinkman.

Cologne, Germany -- Danislav Radoslav had looked forwarded to watching his beloved Czech soccer team win it's first World Cup. Radoslav, a welder from Prague, had traded in his 1971 Yugo for the coveted match tickets.

Unfortunately for Radoslav, he is a heavy sleeper. Fans surrounding Radoslav at the first match said that the fan fell asleep in the 86th minute of a scoreless game between the Czech Republic and Sweden. "The game was a sleeper," said Peroslav Geroslav, Radoslav's best friend, "and Radoslav dozed off. And let me tell you, he's a heavy sleeper."

Radoslav proceeded to sleep for two whole weeks through fourteen days where only six goals were scored. Geroslav commented, "The rest of us felt like sleeping but we bravely fought through the temptation which all good soccer fans must do.He was well behaved but smelled like stale urine."

The headbutting incident involving France's Zindane finally woke up Radoslav. "What good time I had, I miss wife, children, I go home." Radoslav's wife said it was not unusual for her husband to fall asleep for long periods of time. "He once slept through an entire season of 'Full House.' "

New York, NY -- Desperate to save money and stem the trend of rising health care costs, several HMOs have announced plans to no longer provide coverage for simple anesthesia.

"We find that playing tapes of MLB All-Star games works just as effectively as any simple anesthetic," said Dr. Dan Mesiter of the Red Apple Health Care system. " Put on that home run derby and just about anyone is out within five minutes," continued Mesiter. When asked if there was any concern over the pain involved waking the patient, Mesiter stated that given the choice between baseball and pain, "most would stay asleep." He did admit, "that all-star baseball is so deathly boring that some patients can fall so deeply into an unconscious state that the risk of permanent coma is great."

Major league Baseball has threatened to sue over the statement of "any retransmission...without expressed written consent is prohibited." Meister claims that no one really knows what that statement means or listens to it anyway. "Millions can be saved in the operating rooms across America with this simple painless procedure," he concluded.

Doctors use a powerful laser gun to try and wake a patient who was operated on during the American League win over the National League.

San Francisco, CA -- Whoever said that baseball players are dull, boring, and stupid, never met the San Francisco Giants.

"This team is full of pranksters," said manager Felipe Alou after several players 'pants him.' "They keep things loose which really helps when one of your key players is getting indicted," continued Alou.

So imagine the surprise when outfielder Steve Finley went up on the wall last night to grab a fly ball and stuck. "One of these crazy guys decided it would be funny if they put velcro on my uniform. I went for the ball and whoa, I'm stuck on the wall," explained Finley. And if that wasn't bad enough, the Giants decided to leave him there for a few innings.

Finley said later that he didn't mind the velcro but after awhile "it felt a little like a crucifixtion." After Finley was taken down from the wall he set out to get even. Finley immediately mixed some laundry detergent with gasoline or as he calls it, "the poor man's napalm" and set it off in the locker room. "There was a lot of burned flesh and vomiting but we all had a good laugh," said Alou.

Finley velcroed on the outfield wall. "After awhile all the blood leaves your limbs. Makes a great party game," added Finley.

Jockweb Headquarters -- Jockweb Publications announced the release of a new baseball book about former baseball great Pete Rose.

Author Ralph Waldo Henderson said the book is an unauthorized biography that he wrote against the wishes of Rose. Henderson's book reveals an in-depth analysis that lead up to Rose's problem with gambling and his subsequent expulsion from baseball. Henderson explains Rose from a lowly numbers runner for Cincinnati manager Sparky Anderson to his strong arm tactics of breaking legs with baseball bats from bet squelchers.

Sister Cecil Fielder, a nun who placed several bets with Rose is quoted in the book as saying, "I placed a few bets with Pete and I'm a nun, I had no money. He broke my arms anyway telling me that I would never say another rosary." Sister Cecil has since left the convent and now has a sports memorabilia business.

Henderson admits the book sheds no new light on Rose but "I was really out of ideas and you can't go wrong if you put Pete Rose, OJ Simpson, or Michael Jackson in a book title. Jockweb operates with really low margins and more importantly, journalistic expectations."

Signs of Rose's early addiction. In a 1975 game, Rose attempts to collect money from a delinquent Richie Hebner.

Charlotte, NC -- Undercover police working the NASCAR circuit revealed today that an underground male escort service has been operating for years.

"There are lots of men on the NASCAR circuit and they get lonely," said Detective Barney Milford. "And there just aren't enough women to go around. It was only a matter of time until male escorts move in to fill the void. I just couldn't believe how in the open it was." An unnamed NASCAR escort complained, "It's a joke that the cops are involved, it's basically a victimless crime. And who know lubrication better than the guys hanging around the racing circuit?"

Race car driver Harvey Firestein said, "After 500 laps I just want to sit with another guy and talk cars. So I pay for a little male companionship, is that so wrong?" Detective Milford said he agreed only if the race was in Vegas. "But we're in North Carolina!"

Nathan Fastlane, an escort that operates in the open said, "Racing is gayer than you think. Guys talking cars, guys talking sex, it's male heaven on a certain level."

Washington, DC -- Tennis Hall of Famer Billie Jean King was nominated for the Supreme Court by President Bush.

King, who won several Wimbledon titles, is perhaps most famous for beating male chauvinist pig Bobby Riggs in a 1976 match which became the template for ABC's "Battle of the Sexes." King's match with Riggs was perhaps the defining historical event of the 70's, perhaps only eclipsed by John Travolta leaving the cast of "Welcome Back Kotter" for a film career.

Billie Jean said that she would be honored to serve on the high court and it would be great to be known for something other than leaving her husband for another woman. King said, "I'll tell you what, if I'm on the court we're having gay marriage and we're outlawing mixed doubles. And another thing, we're getting rid of all these pretty, delicate women's players and getting some burly babes with some pectorals and biceps. Lastly I'm getting Maria Sharapova's visa revoked because I hate those lame Canon commercials she does."

Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts expressed optimism that if he's teamed with King, "We should kick ass in the annual High Court Tennis Tourney."

Washington, DC -- Former NBA player Dennis Rodman received the Presidential Medal of Freedom today in a quiet ceremony at the White House today.

President George Bush presented Rodman with the prestigious medal saying, "Dennis is a great American who loves freedom, who's not afraid to fight for freedom, and what's really amazing is how this guy gets the chicks."

Rodman, scantily attired in patriotic shorts, accepted the award and then punched out the President for getting "too f%^&in close to me man!" Bush later acknowledged that he did get too close to Rodman and said, "It seems when I get close to people they want to hit me. I'm a nice guy, what's up with that?"

Bush said he was considering offering Rodman a high profile cabinet position or at the very least an ambassadorship. "Dennis would make a great ambassador because Dennis loves his country. I can't think of anyone who has done more to promote American values and ideals. Can you imagine the looks on the faces of the international community when Ambassador Rodman shows up?"

Indianapolis, IN -- The NCAA announced today that it is launching an investigation into a scandal that has reached major proportion.

NCAA President Myles Brand said the organization is concerned about the tide of illegitimate high school diplomas being issued to young athletes even though the students never attended the high school. The so called "diploma factories" have football and basketball programs but do not offer accredited classes.

"The really big culprit in all of this is food conglomerate General Mills," explained Brand. "General Mills has been giving out high school diplomas in boxes of their Cheerios cereal and this has us a bit concerned." However General Mills spokesperson Mozelle Mozes denies any wrongdoing. "We ran a legitimate contest on the back of the Cheerios box. All students had to complete a maze where they had to move from start to finish and then cut out the maze, send it to us before they got the degree. It was a rather challenging maze."

GM President Graham Cracker said, "We're proud of the General Mills high school diploma and the relationship between our high sugared cereals and education. It's very simple, you can eat a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, complete the maze, get your diploma, and win a basketball scholarship. That's just good business."

Cracker said that students must complete rigorous coursework in math and physics in order to get the General Mills diploma.

Gainsville, FL -- The University of Florida unveiled it's new mascot Florida Flo, that will replace the century old 'Gator' in another politically motivated mascot fight.

Colleges and universities across the country have been pressured to change names and symbols that may be offensive to particular groups. "We think the alligator symbol sends a bad message to the country," said a Florida tourism spokesperson. "It suggests that if you come to Florida and alligator will eat you and not only eat you but smile a sadistic grin while he's digesting you."

The outbreak came in response to several recent alligator attacks on bystanders. Several innocents people were attacked while they swam nude in the Everglades. Ron Grippe of the state game commission said, "We want people to feel that they can come to our state and swim nude in the Everglades. But if everyone is walking around with a hungry gator on a U of F t-shirt, it's bad for business."

Florida Flo was chosen above several others by a state wide task force on mascots. Harriet Tubstein, a task force member, explained, "When you see Florida Flo, we're saying to the rest of the country, 'Come to Florida, be yourself, relax, enjoy.' "

Camden, NJ -- A dancer from a local 'Gentlemen's Club' won this weekend's "New Jersey Polluted Creek Fishing Tournament."

The tournament is held annually by the state's Department of Environmental Protection just to see "if there are any fish that can survive in New Jersey." But that didn't stop Brandy Woosey from trying. "I just love to fish because it's a nice break from dancing. I usually get larger bites when I'm dancing but for some reason trying to catch a fish in New Jersey relaxes me."

Brandy caught a four inch minnow to take home the first prize. "He didn't fight at all, he seemed to beg me to take him out of the polluted Pennsauken Creek." Several other fisherman caught boots, condoms, and several defective Firestone tires. DEP spokesperson Doug Atwood remarked, "Well at least we know there's still a few gutsy fish trying to gut it out in New Jersey."

For any of you who like to fish and visit strip joints, Brandy will be performing tonight at "Bobos We Take Everything Off Lounge" on Route 26.

Chicago, IL -- Trevor Immelman smiled as he sunk a 32 ft. putt to win the Cialis Western Open with a two shot victory over the charging Tiger Woods.

Immelman took home the $850,000 first prize but that didn't seem to bother any of the other golfers. That's because each golfer receive a Cialis Western Open "goodie" bag at the end of the day. Vijay Singh opened his bag and exclaimed, "I got some tees, a couple of balls, some Pez candy, and a ton of Cialis. I live for this tournament."

Cialis, the erectile dysfunction treatment, is the first year sponsor of the tournament replacing Beatrice Foods. Singh added, "Last year we got some Tropicana orange juice to take home but now I'll be swinging the big stick instead." U.S. Open Champion Jeff Ogilvy is only 26 and along with his wife, they're expecting their first child. Ogilvy was seen in the parking lot trying to sell his goodie bag to Hootie Johnson.

Several participants in this weekend's U.S. Senior Open in Hutchinson, Kansas expressed disappointment that they weren't playing in Chicago. Senior winner Allen Doyle, who is 63 years old protested, "Something wrong with this picture? Free boner pills for the young guys while the Seniors got Metamucil?" South African Gary Player, always the jokester, commented, "I haven't had a stiffie since the '70 Open at Merion."

Everyone was happy at the Cialis Open. Several fans expressed surprised that they came to watch golf but left with an erection.

Kennett Square, PA -- Reports have surfaced that several veterinary workers have been hazing racehorse Barbaro during his recovery from a broken hoof.

Jockweb reporter Johanne Goethe said, "There is a secret culture of racehorse hazing and it has been going on for years." Goethe, who went undercover last month, explained that he witnessed "torture of a sadistic nature where workers played tricks on the horse and then laughed when he got scared." Apparantly the workers have rigged up a contraption where they can suspend the horse with series of ropes and pulleys. "First they blind fold the horse and then threaten to lower him into 10 ft. of water knowing he can't swim. Then right before he touches the water, they pull him up real high knowing he's afraid of heights. And the whole time they think this is funny."

Equine expert Eduardo Edwards explained exactly each endangering episode (wow my first, what do you call that thing where you start every word in the sentence with the same letter?) Anyway, Edwards went on to say that if you're a horse and you want to join a fraternity, "you had better be ready to put up with some hazing."

Denver, CO -- Denver Broncos punter Todd Sauerbrun said he has no plans to pursue an appeal of his four game suspension for testing positive for the banned substance ephedra.

Ephedra is a natural botanical substance that gives an amphetamine like high. "I take it cause I'm so goddamn bored being a punter," said Sauerbrun. "I'm in the game for a grand total of about 28 seconds and that's on a good day." Sauerbrun added that it's a problem with punters around the league. "If you stand around for too long, then the defense wants you to get them drinks and then they go in the game and then the offense comes out and they want drinks too. So I'm sort of Gatorade cocktail waiter."

Several Bronco fans expressed their dissatisfaction saying that Sauerbrun is a role model for kids and if he takes stimulants then so will they. Sauerbrun reacted by saying, "I'm a punter! Who has a punter as a role model? IF you kid is looking up to me, send him to his room with a Victoria's Secret catalogue."

Sauerbrun said his addiction was so bad, he was eating ephedra right off the vine.

College Park, MD -- "You don't get to be National Champions unless you're willing to make the extra sacrifice," said University of Maryland women's basketball coach Brenda Frese.

Frese was addressing her players at the summer volunteer camp. "If we're going to repeat as National Champs we need a big commitment from our players and that means that when other students are at the beach having fun, we're working hare," she told the one volunteer.

Forward Trixey Glenn commented, "That's a lot of crap. It's summer and I want to work on my tan. I'm not touching a ball until October." Several other players echoed the same sentiment. Reserve guard Leslie Lessor said, "I only got in two games for a total of two minutes, and if you think I'm playing basketball in hot humid weather for two minutes a season, you can stick a Terrapin up your...you get the idea, I won't be there."

Frese added that there would be penalties for non-volunteers. "We say volunteer but good teammates know that volunteer means mandatory," she explained.

Buenos Aires, Argentina -- The German soccer team has fled Germany after disgracing their country with an early exit in the World Cup and are said to be hiding out in South America.

Argentinean journalist Ukik Gothere documented the flight of Nazis from Europe to South America following World War II. Gothere said, "It's happening all over again. Brazil, Paraguay, Argentina, Bolivia. They love those disgraced Germans." Germans will have to watch the final with their team eliminated. German soccer enthusiast Hans Bloomer explained, "The Germans are disgraced again so if you're on the soccer team, it's probably a good idea to hide in South America. Hey, did they ever find Adolf Eichmann?"

Rumors are that many of the players had money deposited in South American banks and had prepared forged passports in case they let down their countrymen." German sports fan Georg Buchenscheimer commented, "At least with the Nazis they left behind some nice tanks. All the soccer team left were some smelly jockstraps."

This former left winger did some major damage in Deutschland before hiding out for years in Buenos Aires. "Don't Cry for Me, Argentina, I've got lots stashed away in Swiss banks."

"I like good dirty movies and I like good dirty women but I don't like dirty soccer. Throughout the World Cup there has been a inordinate amount of crotch grabbing. Now in Scotland, where I come from, if we want to grab another man's crotch, we put on a kilt, some music, slow dance and do it the right way. If you're going to grab a man's parts, you've got to talk to him nicely, loosen him up a bit, and then slide your hand down there. That doesn't mean I think we should give men the right to marry but lets keep overt sexual behavior off the soccer field and in the privacy of a tavern restroom."

Thank you Dougle! And we invite all our readers to tell us what's on your mind. Just click on Submissions on the left and let us know your opinion.

New York, NY -- Japanese baseball players say they are tired of being considered as second class imports and have decided to prove their superiority to their American counter parts by refusing to wear gloves.

Yankee Hideki Matsui said yesterday, "Japanese take more pain, we not afraid anything, hit balls fast, we catch, no glove, say ah shit, that hurt, but we do it." Yankee skipper Joe Torre agreed that Japanese players are no doubt tough competitors. "I'll tell you what, I've had a Buick and now I'm driving a Toyota. No comparison. So what I'm saying is that I'd play nine imports and win the World Series."

Catcher Mike Piazza was willing to give the Japanese players credit for being tough but went one step further to prove that he was just as rugged. "Not only will I catch without a mitt, I'm going to catch without a cup." Piazza was able to bare hand a 98mph fastball but unfortunately the grounds crew has to remove his testicles from the backstop. Piazza later admitted he owned a chain of Honda dealerships.

Dallas- TX -- The Terrell Owens tale, "T O," went on sale today at bookstores across the country today.

The book open the old wounds between Owens and his former employer, the Philadelphia Eagles and includes some of Owens favorite recipes. Owens, a closet chef-a-holic insists that his differences with the Eagles stemmed from his penchant for cooking. "They never understood me or my need to cook," says Owens in his chapter on "Saute or Grill?" "Whenever I missed practice or was late it was because I had something in the oven," he continues. Owens claims the problems reached a peak during the 2005 Super Bowl when Owens made brownies for the locker room and no one touched them. "I went to a lot of extra trouble putting M&M's and chocolate chips in them and no one ate a single one. But Donovan McNabb shows up with some tortilla chips and salsa and people devour them."

Andy Reid, no stranger to the training table, admitted there was tension between Owens and McNabb over who was the better cook. Reid said what started as friendly competition, turned ugly with the brownie incident. "TO just couldn't get past the Super Bowl thing. And then Drew Rosenhaus came on the scene and wanted to stipulate in a contract that Owens would cater all team events. That just wasn't going to happen."

Owens favorite recipe from page 148, "T O does chicken" reads, "Take four boneless breast, pound til thin. Do 100 sits ups in front of ESPN camera. Brown in butter and garlic for about five minutes. Do 100 sits up in front of ESPN camera. Sprinkle lightly with rosemary and thyme. Place in baking dish and cook at 350 degrees for approximately 20 minutes. Remove, ask to re-negotiate contract with a 27 million dollar raise. Remove chicken from oven. Serve."

New York, NY -- A six month investigation by Jockweb has uncovered a bizarre eating disorder shared by several NBA cheerleaders.

Reporter Bernie Garu spent several months following the behavior patterns of cheerleaders for major NBA franchises. "It was a great assignment, just hanging out and looking at cheerleaders but I wasn't prepared for what I found." Garu said that he witnessed several cheerleaders actually eating whole basketballs. "It's sort of weird form of bulimia. The logic seems to be, if you eat a basketball, it takes up enough room in your stomach that you're not hungry. The ball does not get absorbed into your digestive system therefore cheerleaders experience no weight gain."

Eating disorder expert Millie Freeborgen explained, "It's not unusual to see women ingest large things into their mouths and then have no appetite. Don't forget these women are obsessed with their body image and keeping pounds off is an occupational hazard."

Several equipment managers around the league have complained to the NBA offices. "We can't keep balls in stock," said Melvin Dursen, equipment manager for the Grizzlies. "I don't mind an occasional Spalding but we need to get these girls help."

One cheerleader, after passing a ball, denied she had the disorder. "I don't remember eating that," she exclaimed, "but I must have, heh?"

Paris, France-- A French woman said she will shave her armpits for the first time in her life if France wins the final game of the World Cup.

Anna DeFleuleur said, "I think it is disgusting for a woman to shave any hair on her body but I will do it if we win." DeFleuleur made a bet with several other soccer fans while watching the game in a Paris bar. "In the excitement of the moment, I shouted out something really stupid and now I may have to do it," added DeFleuleur.

Her husband Guy commented, "I'll miss the bushy growth because I like to twirl and braid it for her but it will grow back. Fortunately she can grow a nice crop in about ten days."

Several Frenchmen nearby said they were worried that DeFleuleur actions may start a country wide movement. Henri Lebanc said, "There's nothing like running your fingers up a hairy female leg. I would hate it if this became a cultural habit."

DeFleuleur showing off her right pit. "It could all be gone by Sunday," she lamented.

New York, NY -- Takeru Kobyashi set the hot dog eating record eating 53 and 1/2 dogs to capture the coveted "Yellow Mustard Belt" in the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Championship.

The competition was fast and furious from the start with Kobyashi taking a commanding eight dog lead over fellow wiener stuffer Joey Chestnut. Chestnut jammed ten franks at once, swigged a gulp of Fresca, and went ahead by two. Kobyashi in true Japanese style chose to fight to the death. Looking like the last man standing on Okinawa, Kobyashi pulled a classic 'twenty' a technique where the eater simultaneously eats eighteen dogs in the mouth while digesting two in the nasal passages. Chestnut protested the legality of such a move but the judges allowed Kobyashi to use any orifice necessary to stuff a dog.

The highlight of the competition came while Kobyashi was eating the 54th frank. Through a translator, Kobyashi said, "Halfway through the tubesteak, I noticed a hair on the dog. It really grossed me out and I barfed up everything." But Kobyashi had kept his stomach long enough to be declared the winner and the 'Michael Jordan' of competitive eating.

New York, NY -- Former New York Knicks coach Larry Brown said that he will not coach again. Brown surprised the basketball world saying that he would not pursue several offers by competing clubs.

Brown would only have to coach two more franchises before he could say that he coached every team in the NBA. "But I don't want to coach anymore, I want to design clothes," said Brown. "You know all my life I hated coaching and there's been another me just begging to come out." Members of the media present thought Brown was going to announce that he was gay but Brown then said, "I want to be a fashion designer."

Brown's wife Shelley said she was "relieved." "When he said there was another him begging to come out, I said to myself, here we go, you're screwed, he's gay." But Mrs. Brown was breathing easier and added, "If Larry can make money designing clothes then I can sell bikinis in Afghanistan."

Brown thinks that he can market several suits in his premier collection to "an older demographic that can't seem to find their keys and just don't give a shit anymore how they look."

Tallahassee, FL -- College football legends Bobby Bowden and Joe Paterno entered into a secret agreement that states they will die together.

Bowden and Paterno have been rivals throughout their careers and both have insisted on coaching into their 90's. "As long as I've got a pulse, I'm gonna be coaching the Gators," said the defiant Bowden. Paterno added, "I agree with Woody, I'm going to coach Michigan as long as these brain cells are still firing."

Both coaches said it wouldn't be fun if one coach made it to 100 without the other. "Our goal is to play for the BCS championship the year we each hit the century mark," said Bowden. "Can you imagine when we both get to heaven at the same time?" asked Paterno. "I guess we'll finally get to see if FSU has been cheating all these years."

Bowden insisted that it's purely coincidental that FSU is ranked No. 1 in both football and arrests. "I've always maintained if a kid is smart enough to find his way to Tallahassee then he's smart enough to play football for me," Bowden winked.

LONDON - Feisty Maria Sharapova is struggling to win matches at Wimbledon. The problem for the star Russian is not her racket, the balls or even the grass surface. I mean for God's sake, who plays tennis on grass? Sharapova instead has been suffering from cameltoe since the end of May.

Munich, Germany -- Tens of thousands of Germans took to the streets in near rioting conditions to protest the FIFA World Cup beer sponsorship.

Germans were incensed that Budweiser is the official beer of the soccer championships. Several Germans angrily spoke with Jockweb reporters however, have you ever tried to speak German? What the hell is that language all about? Anyway, we could by their hand motions, they were not 'Bud' drinkers. In an act of protest, thousands of protesters (mostly males) dropped their pants and pissed on the street.

One German protester did speak English and told us that this was a "Piss" protest. "Budweiser is piss, we will not drink piss, and who would want to drink our piss?" The streets were flooded with German piss and with a strong westerly wind, the smell reached Britain. "Smells like a "Piss" protest," said Londoner Lonny Lonigan.

Germans demanded that even their worst beer "Deusledorfmeister Girl" is a better choice than Bud.

New York, NY -- After 4 weeks of not eating and decomposition, MLB has rehired the "Plump Ump" Eric Gregg. Known for having a strike zone as large as his belly, the league has hired him back after undergoing a nature-imposed diet.

Gregg has reportedly dropped 55 pounds since his death in early June and can now see the plate better than ever! Gregg was fired after the league's umpires went on strike back in 1999 and never returned to the game. After the league realized that no one goes to the games to see the umps and that even a two-toed sloth can call balls and strikes and fired 22 umps.

The league has also considered rehiring long dead but still effective John McSherry.

Editor's Note: This article was submitted by one of our readers who did not give a name. Is that because this is sick humor? At Jockweb, we are a non-judgemental site. We publish all submissions regardless of the fact there's a good chance you will spend eternity burning in hell. Thanks for the submission!

Cooperstown, NY -- Singer, songwriter, folk icon Bob Dylan was finally elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown.

It was Dylan's first time on the ballot and he was a unanimous selection. Dylan played several seasons for the Minnesota Twins and batted .312 for his career. The usually introspective, shy troubador said he felt like that the monkey was finally off my back. "Hey, that's a good title for a song," Dylan quipped as he quickly penned a new song, "Monkey Off My Back." Seconds latter Dylan passed a plague dedicated to Babe Ruth and found inspiration for second song, "Baby Ruth Is Not Candy." As Dylan toured the Hall of Fame Museum he was able to quickly write and record twelve songs and will release a new CD on Monday.

"I really didn't feel like coming here today," said Dylan, "but I got an album out of it." Later Dylan did reminisce about a 1978 game against the Detroit Tigers when "I hit for the cycle and wrote a few tunes while I rounded the bases."

Singer Paul Simon stood outside protesting Dylan's selection shouting, "I wrote that great Joe DiMaggio line, what about me?"

A vintage Bob Dylan bobblehead giveaway from his playing days in the Twin Cities.

Hutchinson, KS -- Golfer Hale Irwin was struck on the 14th hole with an apparent choking attack while playing the second round of the U.S. Senior Open.

Spectators say that after Irwin missed a putt, it seemed like he swallowed something. Golfer Phil Mickelson said, "At first, I thought he was making fun of me but then I realized that he was choking." Irwin hadn't been eating anything at the time of the incident and had no history of seizures, so paramedical personnel were dumbstruck.

Irwin later revealed it was the work of a "voodoo high priestess," who had put a curse on Irwin at the request of an unknown competitor. Irwin explained that he regularly visits "voodoo spiritualist" to get some information about how he'll perform in a tournament. However, fellow pro Fred Funk told Jockweb that it is normal practice for golf pros to try and jinx each other with voodoo. Funk says, "He visits a high priest too but normally just asks that his opponents have an occasional triple bogey. But someone on the tour wants Irwin dead." Greg Norman has long complained to officials about voodoo curses but was ignored because he has his own apparel line.

Irwin recovered to finish the round with a 114. "I'm afraid this isn't the end of this," said Irwin. "I can only try to lift the curse by sitting in a pool of lizard turds for a day or two."

Cologne, Germany-- France eliminated Brazil from the FIFA World Cup by a score of 1-0. The last time Brazil lost was in 1998 and to guess who? France.

But in a gesture of good sportsmanship, the Brazilians decided to take on last names. "We've never heard of last names before," said Ronaldo, "but we'll go along with the rest of the world and take last names." Ronaldo added, "I like Schwartz and it seems to go good with Ronaldo." Striker Ronado took Newby for a surname. Teammate Ronaldinho decided to split his name "so from now on I'll be Ronald Inho after the Hawaiian Inhos." Ronaldohoho became Ronald Peckerhead. Ronaldi added a Swedish hyhpen-ated name, Swen-Johnansen, "because it'll help me pick up Swedish chicks."

Just as the Brazil players decided to add surnames, the United States team decided to drop theirs. The US team now includes Tommy, Timmy, Barry, Frankie, Petey, Fred, and Ronald. "We think by the time the next World Cup rolls around, we're gonna be household names," said Fred.

Boston, MA -- Jockweb reported Tukey Turner was sent to Boston to cover the Phillies' Brett Myers wife beating scandal. Unfortunately, when by the time he got there, the Phillies had left town and there wasn't much of a story left.

Tukey called our offices on Monday and said, "Hey there's not much going on here what do you want me to do?" We said, "Hey Tukey, what took you so f$%^ing long to get to Boston?" Tukey said he stopped at a few places off of 95 on the way. Tukey, like most sportswriters, has a little problem with the drink.

We told Tukey to do his best to find something interesting since he had already ran up a significant bar bill on his rather generous Jockweb expense account. So Tukey did a little hunting and reported that he met former NFL quarterback Doug Flutie. Flutie recently announced his retirement so where's the news. Actually Tukey reported that he discovered that though Flutie was known to be short, he was actually two feet taller than his brother. Flutie's younger brother actually ran away from Boston College in 1984 to join the circus.

Tukey Turner was able to dig up an old photo showing that Flutie was significantly taller than his brother.

New York, NY -- Basketball analyst Dick Vitale appeared at Madison Square Garden on Thursday evening sporting a new toupee.

"I'm 67 baby and so I got the white one baby!" exclaimed the gregarious Dickie V. "No more ice crystals gonna form on this pate," he added. Vitale explained that ESPN did pressure him somewhat to change his look to appeal to a younger and younger demographic. Fellow roundball announcer Marv Albert however criticized Vitale new piece by saying, "It's a bad fit, a joke," said Albert. "The whole idea is that people aren't supposed to know you're wearing a piece," explained Albert. "Like me and Mike Fratello."

Vitale said that already, "Chicks are digging me baby, I mean they're hootin baby, want to go out and have some DiGiorno's pizza with Dickie V baby and why? Cause I got the new hair baby!"

LARRY BROWN LOCKED OUT OF LOCKER ROOM; FILES GRIEVANCE TO GET UNDERWEAR BACK

New York, NY -- Larry Brown, the recently fired coach of the New York Knicks, filed a grievance with the NBA today against his former employer.

Problems surfaces when Brown tried to return to the New York locker room to get some belongings. GM and new coach Isiah Thomas had the locks changed and Brown was shout out. In the words of Brown's agent, "Larry left some nice silk boxers in his locker and wants them back." The angry Brown said, "They owe me $40 million but I really want that underwear back."

Brown, who has a history of leaving franchises, has experienced personal bladder problems in the last few years requiring surgery. "Call me peculiar," said Brown, "and I may be a tad obsessive, but silk underwear is important to me and I want the seven pairs I left behind. When you go to the bathroom as much as I do, boxer shorts become a staple of your existence."

Thomas commented, "I don't care about Larry's drawers, I got my own problems drafting Ranaldo Balkman. I don't even know who Ranaldo Balkman is and I drafted him."

Miami, FL -- OJ Simpson has asked Jockweb to post a 'For Sale' advertisement for a car he's trying to sell.

Our normal policy is that we do not post classified ads unless you meet one of three conditions. First, you have a lot of money and are willing to pay. Like Anna Nicole Smith, who wanted us to post an advertisement that explained how she wasn't a gold digging whore. Second, you're an important official who could crush us with the entire strong arm of the United States government. For example, like when Vice President Cheney wanted us to advertise that is best known Halliburton for their cameras. Or third, if you are a voluptuous female and offer a variety of favors to the editor. Like, we're still waiting.

OJ's situation fits none of the above criteria. But OJ made quite a case for himself. He has no money, no friends, and even Arnold Palmer doesn't return his phone calls. So we thought we'd perform a work of mercy and allow OJ to advertise his used car on our site.

Low mileage Ford Bronco. Best offer. Will need to remove bloodstains from carpet.