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Friday January 29, 2010 | |||
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GOD CONFESSES, "I LIKE THE SAINTS' CHANCES" New Orleans, LA -- God appeared yesterday at Louisiana Superdome to show his unwavering support for the New Orleans Saints in their march to the Super Bowl. The Omnipotent One stayed at the game long enough to see Reggie Bush demonstrate his "God given talent for taking the ball to the house." "Seriously," God said, "I'm not hearing that 'God given' expression as much as I like and do you really think they'd be 14-3 without my help?" God admitted he took some hits for the "Katrina" thing and added, "Unfairly so, because sometimes I take a nap and shit happens but take a look at the season, I'm making it up to those New Orleans folks, don't you think?" Several Saints players disagreed saying that God is just jumping on the bandwagon like everyone else. God vehemently disagreed saying, "I was a Drew Brees fan when he was at Purdue and I still think the Chargers made a mistake when they let him walk." "Sure when we give the Cardinals the ass kicking we did, all of a sudden, he wants to take credit," said head coach Sean Payton, "but let me tell you, he's never around during film study." For years New Orleans fans watched the Saints bumbling football mumbling "God help us" but to no avail. In addition, God skeptically said that Kurt Warner, "should hang it up and if he takes another hit like he did yesterday during that interception return, do I have a place for him!...actually it's next door to Favre's place."
God added, "I'm just glad the Patriots are home watching." JETS AIM TO PLEASE FEMINISTS New York, NY -- In a radical turnabout from the rest of the NFL, the New York Jets redesigned their cheerleader outfits so that, "they are absolutely, unequivocally sexless." Radical feminists groups for years have criticized the scantily clad NFL cheerleader prototype "who shakes her bagundas while exposing a hefty butt crack." Jets head coach Rex Ryan echoed the complaints by saying, "Objectifying women as sex toys is just plain wrong and as wrong goes it's a hellava pasttime a but this is the important thing to remember...when I stop to put myself in the shoes of a woman, they're too damn small and I have a hard time walking in them because I'm a large oversized man." Legions of feminists applauded the new Jets uniforms as "devoid on any hotness whatsoever." Myra Freckenbridge of the Legion of Women took one look at new Jets' cheerleaders and said, "Wow, I mean wow, those are women and the kind of women I want to know."
Normally at this point of the story we would try to
insert a few really good feminists jokes like the
classic, "How many feminists does it take to screw
in a light bulb? Where'd you ever see a feminist
screw anything?" But we're not going down that
shallow, empty path. The purpose of humor which
looks at certain subgroups of our society to make
fun of that particular subgroup exists only to
reinforce the prevailing status quo where men are
allowed to continue dominant women. And yes, though
feminists have a sense of humor and can laugh at
themselves, we've never met any. So rather than
raise the ire of feminists all over, we're trying
something completely out of character for Jockweb.
We are going to support all efforts to desexify all
of the NFL cheerleaders and place them in outfits
that do not accent their firm, round, pleasant
shaped breasts or their high jiggly butt cheeks
because we know where all that leads. How are we
sounding so far? Think anyone's buying this?
Probably have stopped reading by now, you think?
purpose of humor which looks at specific groups is
to make fun of DELAWARE STATE DROPS EQUESTRIAN TEAM; RECRUITS PISSED Lexington, DE -- Delaware State University announced yesterday that they are dropping their powerhouse equestrian team citing budgetary reasons. "It just cost too damn much money to feed these f***ing horses," said AD Edward Arkaro. Sources close to the program cite a recent NCAA investigation into the program as the reason for the school ending the program. Rumors has surrounded the storied program for years with reports of repetitive horse recruiting violations and boosters making illegal purchases for studs. One former horse, now on the professional equestrian circuit and who wanted to remain anonymous said, "I was there to jump, pure and simple, I never went to classes." Equestrian coaches around the country stopped short yesterday of calling Del State coach Buddy Furrlon, "a cheat." Ted Hooferman of Flicka State, a annual rival to Del State for the EBCS Championship series, commented, "Look everyone knows they doctor transcripts and that there horses are out of control with drug use and other felonies...maybe now we can clean up this cesspool of a sport ." Sadly, the new recruits who have already signed commitments to Delaware State will have to find other programs but will have to sit out a year before becoming eligible again. Greased Lightning, a sharp Filly from Philly and projected first round draft pick, said through a mouthful of oats, "I'm disappointed...I was brought in here, wined and dined, shown around the campus by these really hot mares who offered me sex if I came to the school, and now I lose a year of eligibility? Just shoot me, damnit!" Blue chipper Nick Of Time said, "Who's going to want me now?" Longtime equestrian announcer Brent Musntbeaburger said, "I think the NCAA has to take a serious look at what's going on in college equestrian and decide, are colleges in the business of education or are they in the horse business?" Furrlon said while cleaning out his stall, "Looking back on it, I can honestly say, I did all the right things for this program...I never choked a horse or locked them up in a dark closet like other coaches have, and you can ask my horses...after every good jump there's were sugar cubes."
Del State horses head back to the stable where they will have to begin the recruiting game all over again. ROMO'S SUCCESS GOING TO HIS HEAD Dallas, TX -- Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo is enjoying the post-season for the first time in his career, so much so that his head has actually grown. Romo checked into a Dallas hospital where doctors examined him with CAT scans and MRI equipment and determined indeed, Romo's head is growning. "He's got a big head after the two Eagles win," said Dr. Suri Ballum, a neurologist at the Center For Big Heads. "Oftentimes people will use the expression, 'he's got a big head' but here at our center, people really have big heads," he explained. The Cowboy training staff noticed on Monday that Romo could no longer get his helmet on and became alarmed. Immediately a local helmet manufacturer was called in to fabricate a larger helmet for Romo. Helmut Makur, a German craftsman who fitted Romo said in his native German, "Vonweedel froolinghousan spritzel (that is one big f***ing head)." Dr. Ballum explained, "Actually the tests reveal that Romo's head had shrunk the three previous years he choked his team from the playoffs and this sudden enlargement is really no surprise to any of us...what concerns us is that he does not have a large enough brain to fit the larger head." Owner Jerry Jones said that he was thrilled with Romo's new big head. "I like things big cause I'm from Texas," said Jones, "and I built a stadium large enough to accommodate a lot of big Texas heads," he added. NFL commissioner Roger Goodell said that the league would be watching the head closely this weekend and asked, "Do you think with a big head he could get a big concussion? Cause we're really fixated on concussions these days." Former Romo girlfriend Jessica Simpson assured everyone, "There is no relationship between the size of one head versus another, if you catch what I'm saying."
Doctors agree that one fumbled snap by Romo on a field goal attempt to win the game would quickly reduce the swelling. McGWIRE ADMITS TO FLUFF ABUSE New York, NY -- Former Major League Baseball slugger Mark McGwire made his first admssion and on-screen apology on the MLB Network confessing that he used performance enhancing drugs and in particular large amounts of "Marshmallow Fluff." "Marshmallow Fluff" is a spreadable white sugary goo that often combines with peanut butter and bread to form the infamous "Fluffernutter" sandwich. Fluff has long been banned by Major League Baseball because in the words of commissioner Bud Selig, "That shit is just bad for you, plain and simple." McGwire explained how his mother used to occasionally treat him with a "Fluffernutter" in his lunch box while in elementary school and he told interviewer Bob Costas, "Deep in my heart I knew then that I was hooked." He went on to say, "This became an on-going battle that I'm still fighting today...I've been off the Fluff for a good five years now but that's not saying that if I pass a jar in a supermarket that the craving isn't still just as strong as when I was 12." Tony LaRussa, the manager of McGwire's former team, has come under scrutiny for not knowing that McGwire was "on the Fluff" while playing for the Cardinals. "You hear rumors but guys on the Fluff are tricky...they know how to keep that stuff under the radar." LaRussa said he did confront McGwire several times about the Fluff but McGwire just denied it. "I used to see this white residue around the corners of his mouth and I suspected it was Fluff but he would just say it was shaving cream," explained LaRussa. McGwire now becomes the latest in a stream of athletes who have come public with their Fluff addiction. Sports and culture analyst P.B. Gellet commented, "Sports are no longer pure...our national pastime is tainted forever because athletes will stop at nothing to get that competitive advantage even if it means ingesting a highly addictive substance like Fluff." In his closing remarks, McGwire said that he "hoped the young kids out there take a lesson from this and realize that even if the single season home run record is teasing you, you can't compromise the game's integrity with Fluff." EAGLES' JACKSON STINGS COWBOYS' ASSES Dallas, TX -- Philadelphia Eagles' wide receiver Desean Jackson promised last week on while Twittering that he would do some damage to the Dallas Cowboys in last Saturday's playoff game and that's exactly what he did. After the previous week's loss to the Cowboys in the season finale, Jackson twittered, "...next we gonna sting they ass next week..." Well history now records that they Cowboys humiliated they Eagles in the wild card game, 34-14. And the 'Boys did a pretty fair job shutting down the dangerous Jackson. However, Jackson made good on his promise by sneaking an entire hornets' nest into the Cowboy locker room. While the team was watching the Eagles getting thumped on the sidelines, Jackson managed to get past security and plant a large nest in the Cowboys' bathroom. "I hid it good right under they toilet," smiled Jackson, "so I know I sting they asses." Several Cowboy players did indeed get an ass stinging but everyone took the prank in stride. "The truth is, they out of the playoffs again for what, the 10th year in a row," laughed Tony Romo as he removed a stinger from he ass. Jackson said, "It all good man, I got they ass good, mother f***er, and I hope they owner gotta sucka out a stinger or two from an ass."  You put one of these in a locker room, you gonna sting they ass! BALTIMORE HOSPITALS OVERWHELMED AFTER RAVENS WIN Baltimore, MD -- Thousands and thousands of men were rushed to local Baltimore hospitals after a rash of permanent erections stood up after the Ravens defeated the New England Patriots yesterday 34-14. It was a solid drubbing of Bill Belichick and his boys and the third time that the Ravens have won a wildcard game. The male population was so elated by the victory that the city experienced an overrun of male erections. At least ten thousand men reported erections that would not relax prompting many to seek emergency help from a physician. Hospital staffs were overwhelmed and many doctors and nurses worked into Monday afternoon trying to calm the storm. "I hadn't seen this many erections since the last re-elect McGreevey rally in Jersey," said Dr. George Strait. One patient explained, "I immediately got this huge boinker after the game but then it start to subside but then I thought of Tom Brady being sacked again and then it was back and the truth is, I can't stop thinking about those Ravens!" This is not the first reported case of FIB's (Football Induced Boners) according to erection expert Dr. Del Pokee. Pokee explained that massive male erection epidemics are perfectly normal and a healthy sign that "we're in good hands." But he added, "you should bag the suggestion that you need to see someone if you have an erection lasting four hours or more...prudent thinking would tell you to put you feet up, crack open another beer and phone that old whore from high school who used to do it for answers on the science exam." "Wow," exclaimed Andy Reid, "imagine the scene we would have had in Philadelphia had we got within a touchdown of the Cowboys?"
"We beat the Patriots! We beat the Patriots!" PETE CARROLL TO BACK OUT OF SEAHAWKS JOB Seattle, WA -- USC football coach and candidate for the Seattle Seahawks job, Pete Carroll withdrew his name from consideration yesterday after learning that the Seahawks were not a college football team. "You're kidding?" Carroll asked, "you mean it's not the University of Seattle Seahawks?" Carroll was very disappointed to find out that the Seahawks were an NFL team and that the University of Seattle didn't even field a football squad. "So you mean there's no graduate students?" the disappointed Carroll asked again. "Well then forget about it," he said. Carroll, who was linked romantically to a 23-year-old USC grad student by former Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis, assured everyone, "Look, if I'm leaving USC, the school with the hottest grad babes in the country, then my new school better have a doctorate in pole dancing," he quipped. A Seahawks spokesperson said following the news, "We're sorry we led Mr. Carroll on by allowing him to think we were a college program and hey that's a pretty damn good idea...if we competed at the Division III level, I'd bet we'd have a hellava team." Charlie Weis immediately called the Seahawks front office and told them that he was available for the job and "you don't have to worry about that graduate student bullshit with me...just have plenty of snacks and I promise I'll deliver a .500 season to you next year." Outgoing fired coach Jim Mora Jr. commented, "Three jobs, three seasons? Maybe I oughta go back to grad school."
Whoa Pete, not so fast! Okay so they're not grad students but think Sea Gals! LEACH LANDS JOB AT GUANTANAMO Guantanamo Bay, Cuba --It didn't take long for former Texas Tech football coach Mike Leach to land on his feet after being fired last week for locking a player in a darkened room. Leach, who is embroiled in a lawsuit against the school, denies that he locked Adam James, son of ESPN Craig James, in a dark electrical closet as a punishment. Leach did say, "I'd love to lock his father in a Turkish prison like the one in that movie 'Midnight Express', do you remember that one, where the kid smuggled pot into Turkey and then they locked him away without a trial and this really ugly toothless guy raped him, remember that? oh that was some really freaky movie and it just creeped me out and that's where I'd like to put Craig James but I'd want make sure that scary toothless Turkey guy is in the same cell." The attorney for Leach commented, "Though I'd like to represent all of my client's wishes, I'm not sure we can negotiate the Turkish prison thing but we'll try hard to reach some sort of settlement." Luckily for Leach, the U.S. Government announced yesterday that Leach would be appointed to a newly created position entitled, "Guy Who Watches Those Terrorists We Don't Know What To Do With In Guantanamo Bay." "It's a long title but you get the idea," said one unnamed Homeland Security official. "Look," he added, "Mike Leach scares terrorists and Texas Tech football players and truthfully who can argue with that?" Suspected terrorist and prisoner Abdul Nife said in Arabic, "Oh that Mike Leach a very very scary man I hope he let me play strong safety." Leach said he was looking forward to his new post and assured critics, "I could go 11-0 with this terrorist squad and I still couldn't get into the BCS championship."
Two trainers cart a terrorist off the practice field after he tweaked a knee during a difficult Leach practice. TENNESSEE PLAYERS SAY PEARL IS "OUT OF CONTROL" Knoxville, TN -- The entire Tennessee basketball team met behind closed doors yesterday to see how they will continue to play the rest of the season under "psychotic" coach Bruce Pearl. Tyler Smith, the all-SEC forward explained yesterday, "We came to Tennessee to get an education and truthfully we as players, are students first, and athletes second but playing for a criminal mind like Bruce Pearl is just too much to expect from a group of ambitious young people." Players say that Pearl brandishes guns and offers marijuana to all of the players and several said, "He's just a really bad example." Guard Cameron Tatum said, "Look I never knew what a gun was or even what a joint was until I met Bruce Pearl." Freshman Melvin Goins, who was arrested with several players for firearms and drugs found in their rental car, defended himself saying, "The guns, the drugs? All Bruce Pearl's." Pearl, known affectionately as "Big Daddy Pimp," had no comment other than, "Pass the Courvoisier, Baby!" Center Brian Williams, also arrested, further explained, "I was sitting in the backseat of a car studying the Newton Laws of Motion and unwittingly, Bruce Pearl had left several firearms in our car and marijuana? What's that? I thought it was a bag of loose tea." Tennessee officials agreed that the program is problematic but one administrator said, "You have to get to know Bruce Pearl to appreciate him...seriously if you get high with him, you see a completely different guy than the one the media portrays."
Someone please come forward and help Bruce Pearl help himself! SEVERAL INJURED IN ARENAS-CHENEY HUNTING ACCIDENT Washington, DC -- Several unarmed citizens were accidentally shot yesterday while NBA guard Gilbert Arenas and former Vice-President Dick Cheney were quail hunting in the nation's capitol. Arenas, long known for his affection for hunting, teamed up with Cheney and were scouring the city streets for stray quail. "Lots of quail figure why not hang out in the city cause the city's convenient with great shoppes and restaurants," explained bird expert Lon Eagle. Cheney admitted he was after "some jokers who stiffed me on some football wagers but I'd figured we'd shoot some dinner too." Things went bad when the pair were driving near the White House and Cheney set eyes on President Obama. Unconsciously Cheney blurted out, "I'd like to shoot the mother f***er," and with that Arenas started firing. Arenas armed with ten handguns unloaded all chamber firing 47 clips of ammo. The good news is that in the melee the two hunters actually managed to hit a few birds. Sadly, several random pedestrians suffered flesh wounds, which Cheney warned, "Terrorists are gonna think twice before they walk around the streets of Washington, DC." Afterwards Arenas and Cheney took a bag full of dead pigeons home, skinned them, baked them, and served them under glass. "Pigeon tastes just like chicken," said Cheney. Arenas, known for his culinary abilities, explained, "I just used the Colonel secret seven herbs and spices and let me tell you, pigeon is good eats!"
A few sprigs of Rosemary on the pigeon, bake at 350 for a little over an hour, and you are living large! WOODS FIRES BACK AT COLIN MONTGOMERIE Aboat, FL -- Embattled, scandal plagued golfer tried to avoid media coverage for several seconds yesterday but couldn't avoid taking a swipe at fellow PGA member Colin Montgomerie. Montgomerie, a longtime tour veteran as well as a Scotsman that you can't understand a word of what he's saying, commented on Tuesday that, "The Woods mystique is gone." In a rant to a Scottish newspaper, Montgomerie added, "The thrill is gone, the thrill is gone, the thrill is gone away, the thrill is gone away baby, the thrill is gone away, you know you done me wrong baby, and you'll be sorry one day." Moments later, Montgomerie asked for some blues guitar and some soulful bass to accompany him and singer B.B. King appeared out of nowhere and the two perform several more King classics. Woods, who is on 24/7 cheating watch, said, "I would not take Montgomerie's comments lying down because when I'm lying down I'm usually having sex with someone other than my wife and I can't hear comments when I'm having sex other than those obvious ones like 'give it to me Tiger' and 'wow you really do have a big driver.'" Woods revealed that he knows for sure that "Montgomerie has been carrying on with Scottish singer Susan Boyle for the past several months. Tiger did admit, "I like Susan Boyle as a singer and may I ask why is it we can understand Scots people when they sing but never understand a f***ing thing they say when asking for directions?" "Anyway," he added, "Montgomerie's secret is out and who's mystique is gone now?" Both Montgomerie and Boyle denied the rumor but Montgomerie did wink saying, "Susan's a wee fine lassie and Iam nut tolking aboot the TV doogie." Boyle acknowledged that she has long "stored it Colin fram afoor and iff I hed me chinces I git intoo his neeckers."
Is Boyle giving the thumbs up to her fellow Scotsman's "mashie?" DOMINO PIZZA BUYS U OF MICHIGAN Ann Arbor, MI -- In one of the boldest corporate moves in history, Domino Pizza Corporation bought the University of Michigan yesterday for an undisclosed amount of cash. Domino CEO and former Wolverine football player David Brandon said owning the school and there storied athletic programs will be more fun than baking pizza. "I've got to tell you, I've been making these f***ing pizzas for far too f***ing long so it's going to be fun owning a school where the co-eds are hotter than the pizza," said Brandon. Brandon installed himself as athletic director and he announced he would let current university President Floyd Barber retain his post. "I ask you, who really runs America's universities anyway?" Brandon questioned with a wink. Immediately Brandon got to work yesterday installing ovens and refrigeration at the "Big House." "We figure we can crank out about 100,000 pizzas a night out of the stadium and with the 80 football players delivering for us, that spells profit, profit, profit," Brandon smiled. Brandon added that coach Rich Rodriguez figures big in his reorganizing plans. "We're going to start Rich off as day manager because we don't feel he's ready for prime time evenings," he said, "but with his salary, we're going to have to seriously get him ready for weekend manager cause everyone knows weekends are key in the pizza business." Brandon showed off the new pasta bowls soon to be a staple of Domino's Michigan cause "pasta is the closest thing to a bowl we'll see under Rich Rodriguez." Rodriguez, who has a buyout clause, said he was optimistic about a change in direction. "Just think of how many coupons they'll have to give me if they fire me," he thought out loud. "I'm really thrilled to be part of the Domino team because, let's face it, getting Wolverine fans excited about pizza is a whole lot easier than getting excited about me," he said. Rodriguez promised he'd have his players working overtime without pay, in violation of NCAA rules, "in order to get this thing moving in the right direction."
A Michigan player works hard on the new Michigan Domino ".500 Deal"...2 pizzas 6 and 6.. OH NO! ANOTHER GOLF SCANDAL? Hoco Fista, FL -- A second scandal threatens the Professional Golfers Association Tour and experts say, "No one saw this one coming." Just days after the country was subject to round the clock media coverage of the Eldrick Woods 47 affairs story, Jockweb confidential sources revealed yesterday that golf pro turned analyst, Roger Maltbie, was also caught sniffing around the beaver shack. Maltbie, the affable on-course analyst with NBC, played for 22 years on the PGA tour, but is probably more famous for his light hearted but insightful golf commentary. His lackluster playing career was speckled with several first place finishes, most notably the 1980 Ed McMahon Yew Ha Classic in Compton, California. "Who would have ever seen this coming?" said one anonymous tour player. Over 200 women have come forward in the last two weeks claiming they has some sort of relationship with Maltbie. Maltbie did not deny the allegations and in fact said, "IF I can find 200 women interested in me then there's plenty of hope for Craig Stadler." One former cocktail waitress said, "Do I ever feel stupid? He told me his name was Tiger Woods." Tour officials are wondering how the Maltbie story will affect both television ratings and sponsorship. "You got think this is a boost for short, fat guys with moustaches," said PGA tour director Tim Pinchum. Jasper Parnevik exclaimed, "I just hope he didn't defiled any Swedish women and I'm pretty sure I didn't introduce him to any of my babysitters."
Inspiration for all of you! BOOBS FOR SALE ON TRACK Sydney, Australia -- Track hurdler Jana Rawlinson has her artificial breasts reduced in an effort to improve her times for the upcoming Olympics. Rawlinson explained that the large breasts were "just terrific and myself and all of the men and women I sleep with are entirely disappointed but hey, the Olympics only come by every four years." Government officials are calling it the greatest act of Australian patriotism since Mel Gibson blew up the Nightrider in "The Road Warrior." Gibson also expressed disappointment about Rawlinson's breast reduction saying, "I'd rather have a large breasted woman who can't run away from me than a flat-chested woman who can." "But either way," said the aging sex symbol who's career has fallen on hard times since he made his Jew comments and that crappy Passion movie, "I'll still be chasing her." Rawlinson said that she was hoping to recover some of the money she spent on the two surgeries by selling the breasts on e-Bay. "I'm not sure if there's a secondary market for fake boobs but I can assure the buyer that these boobs are in great shape and have been well taken care of by their owner," she explained. One excited e-Bay user exclaimed, "Last week I got a vintage Herman's Hermits LP on-line and this week I'm bidding for breasts? Pinch me!" e-Bay spokesperson Lacrosse Urhart said, "We have lots of breasts for sale on e-Bay as well as just about anything a human being can imagine and our online auction format is both an exciting and challenging way to bring buyer and seller together."
Running with these puppies should be it's own Olympic event. GILBERT ARENAS GUNS DOWN CRITTERS Washington, DC -- Washington Wizards guard Gilbert Arenas fired off 25 shots after yesterday's game and none hit the basket. That's because the Wizards rely on Arenas to shoot varmints and critters that make their way into their arena and locker room. The director of facilities management for the Verizon Center gratefully acknowledged Arenas' role in animal control in Washington. "We in an urban center and the reality is that there are rats and various rodents all over and it creeps a lot of people out and thank God there are people brave enough like Gilbert who aren't afraid to take on the problem," said Verizon center employee Jack Glock. Arenas said that his fascination with guns may have begun with a altercation with teammate Javaris Crittendon but he relishes his role as top animal enforcer. "The plain truth is that someone has to step up and take on rodents and the NBA has a lot of rodents in their facilities," added the All-Star. NBA commissioner David Stern agreed with Arenas that, "we have a lot of rats and such and I'm proud of a Gilbert Arenas who's not afraid to keep guns in his locker." Stern added, "I rarely go into NBA locker rooms cause rodents and critters creep me out but when Gilbert's around, I have full confidence that they will be dealt with in a manner fitting their status in the food chain." Police investigating the locker room guns in Washington released a statement saying, "Gilbert Arenas is not afraid to shoot at critters and critters should consider him armed and dangerous if entering the Wizards locker room."
Hey you pesky Washington vermin, there's a new sheriff in town! HOLYFIELD TO CHALLENGE BOTHA FOR THE WBF TITLE Kampula, Uganda -- Former heavyweight champion Evander Holyfield announced yesterday that he would challenge Pieter Botha for the senior WBF title. Holyfield, 77, who has been fighting since 1952, said, "I might be in a wheelchair, I might not know my name, but I sure remember Pieter Botha." Botha was the prime minister and president of South Africa from 1978-1989 and has never fought a professional fight. He oversaw the brutal apartheid system of South Africa that let the country's white minority control and repress the majority black population. The system was eventually overthrown and a new government was formed and led by Nelson Mandela. Botha then died in 2006 and never took part in the reconciliation or rebuilding of modern day South Africa. "Apartheid really stinks," said Holyfield, "and it's got me really motivated to fight this Botha guy!" Promoters for the fight informed Holyfield that he would be fighting Francois Botha not Pieter Botha. "Really?" he asked, "my bad!" Holyfield insisted, "I still don't like that apartheid shit and if that other guy was alive, I'd kick his ass...alright then I'll fight his brother." Holyfield asked promoters, "Do you think you could advance me a little money up front? Between the IRS and a case of Ensure a day, I'm hurting!" The deceased Pieter Botha was not available for comment but Francois did notice, "What's with the 'i' in Peter and the 'o' in Francis?"
Don't let the bald head and glasses fool you, this Botha dude was a bad ass! JUDGE MAKES TYSON AND PHOTOGRAPHER MAKE UP Los Angeles, CA -- A judge dropped the charges against both Mike Tyson and the photographer accused of snapping his picture without permission. Judge Harvey Wank told the court yesterday, "Let me imagine the whole scene for a moment...Mike Tyson was walking through LAX looking to punch someone out and a photographer was looking to take a picture of someone famous to sell to a tabloid? and they found each other...it ends with a photograph and a punch in the mouth? And it seems to me both parties got what they wanted...so shake hands and get the f*** out of my courtroom!" With that both Tyson and photographer Lenny Shadey shook hands and became fast friends. Tyson was so happy that the judge understood his need to punch out strangers that he promised Shadey that he could take as many pictures as he wanted if Tyson could throw as many punches as he wanted." Shadey thought it a remarkable idea and then said, "Wow if I get pictures of you naked in exchange for a few blows to the face, that's a sweet deal." Tyson then undressed and Shadey took suggestive, almost pornographic photos of Tyson and shortly afterwards, Tyson pummeled Shadey into unconsciousness. Tyson said afterwards, "I felt great even though I hadn't been in the ring for awhile." Shadey eventually recovered with smelling salts and was very pleased with the nude Tysons and planned to see them to the National Enquirer. "Everyone would be very happy to see some nude Tysons for a few days instead of more Tiger photos, don't you think?...and the good news, I still have both of my ears!"
"He's really a sweet guy when you get to know him," said Shadey. 22 PLAYERS ESCAPE FROM TEXAS TECH Lubbock, TX -- In a daring midnight escape, 22 football players escaped from a prison that was erected by former coach Mike Leach. Leach, the former coach, was fired by the school and promised to sue "the longhorn" out of the state to clear his name. The coach denied that he imprisoned and tortured his players for dropped passes, missed blocking assignments, and shoddy tackling though he did admit, "Okay maybe once in awhile I administered electric shock to their testicles but imprison them? No f***ing way!" The players were kept in a darkened dungeon on a island prison fortress built near the football stadium and were only fed hot dogs and stale rolls left over from November. One player described the hell hole as, "a real hell hole!" Not only were the players denied the light of day or contact with the outside world, there were no condiments during their confinement. The players assembled at a press conference yesterday and gave a detailed description of their daring escape. "We knew that we couldn't panic just because we were on scholarship and early on when we were captured by Coach Leach, we knew it was either escape or die," said Benjy Fricker, a seldom used 4th string punter. Another player way down on the depth chart explained how he was a walk-on and immediately after walking-on he was walked into the prison for not mixing the Gatorade powder properly. "Coach Leach was very strict about the Gatorade and told me that I deserved death," he said through tears. The players bound together in suffering, decided that their only answer was to tunnel out of the dungeon. Using only tongue depressors and a pair of trainer's scissors, they tunnelled over 200 yards until they were able to surface over enemy lines. The players were picked up by a United Nations peacekeeping force and taken to a nearby hospital where they were give fresh rolls and kosher beef dogs. Fricker smiled and added, "I'll never look at college football the same way again and gee Auntie Em, there's no place like home!"
Pictured above is the prison fortress erected by former Texas Tech coach Mike Leach to house those players not living up to expectations. TIGER THROWN UNDER THE BUS BY EX-FIRST LADY Kennybunkbed, ME -- Former first lady and mother of former President George W. Bush confessed to a reporter that she is the 18th women to have had an affair with professional golfer Tiger Woods. The 80-something Barbara Bush said that she "felt used and betrayed by Woods after he promised me, I was the only one." Bush tells in an upcoming Golf Digest article that she initially contacted Woods to help her with a "nasty slice" that was just "putting me in horrendous second shot position." Her husband former President George H. Bush invited Woods to Maine for private lessons. Soon, according to Mrs. Bush, Woods began to make advance towards her where she says, "He was touching me in places that had nothing to do with a slice." She confessed that his opening line was, "I want a slice of you, baby!" Bush admits she was taken in by Woods' boyish charm and All-American values, but it soon turned into "lots of secret lessons in the woods." According to sources close to the situation, Woods' recent main squeeze Rachel Uchitel said, "I'm a Uchitel and I Couldntel that they were interested in each other...but I was naive!" Woods neither confirmed or denied the report but he did wink at reporters and say, "I amazed myself sometimes." Former President Bill Clinton commented, "I tried for years to get something going with B Bush with little to no success so my hat's off to Tiger." George W. Bush would not comment on the affair but did wink and say, "Moms is some kind of kitten, heh?"
What a sick, sick world we live in! WATERBOARDING DISCOVERED AT TEXAS TECH Lubbock, TX -- Allegations involving waterboarding surfaced at Texas Tech yesterday when one player came forward to say he was tortured by football coach Mike Leach. The dispute involves the son of ESPN analyst and former NFL running back Craig James. According to one source Adam James was injured with a concussion and was forced to sit out of practice and the upcoming bowl game against Michigan State. Leach, who sources also say is a bit paranoid believed that James was telekinetically sending messages through outer space about the Tech offense to "dark forces of evil that exist all around us and throughout the cosmos." When Leach approached James about the charges, James denied that he had any telekinetic powers but Leach was convinced that either Satan or Pee Wee Herman had taken over his (James') body. Leach explained later, "Actually I like the Pee Wee Herman character in several movies and television programs but that Satan guy has been f***ing up this universe for too long." Leach was convinced the younger James was withholding information that would prove demonic possession and then proceeded to lock James away in a torture chamber. "Down in Texas we like that waterboarding stuff," Leach later admitted. "Within a minute they usually give up any information you want and James screamed out he was indeed Pee Wee Herman and that's all I needed." Many observers of the Texas Tech football program claim that Leach is "f***ing insane," but as one school administrator said, "He's got four years left on a guaranteed contract with a big, big buyout clause, so I say, let him torture til 2014."
If you just want to know where your kids were with the car or why your wife was with the meter man, waterboarding gets answers fast! KOBE BRYANT: SHOE DESIGNER Los Angeles, CA -- Los Angeles Lakers superstar Kobe Bryant has added another notch to his impressive but sometimes troubled resume. Bryant debuted his newly designed Nike Zoom Kobe V shoe on Christmas Day while playing against the Cleveland Cavaliers. The shoe is the lightest sneaker of all time and will retail somewhere in the neighborhood of $39,995. "I wanted to push the envelope with a shoe that meets the demands of my style of play," said Bryant, who has become a full-time shoe designer in the off-season. "I love feet, what can I say man?" he smiled. He added, "I guess you might say I've got a bit of a fetish about feet though I wouldn't want to do none of that kinky sucking on toes shit." Bryant admitted that the sneakers were a bit pricey but he insisted, "Would you rather put you money in shoes that make you more like me or a BMW convertible? I think most kids are gonna want my sneakers and will be willing to kill someone for them, which is always the mark of a good sneaker." But the plan is for Bryant to expand his shoe influence beyond the sneaker. "I"ve got a pair of black pumps that I designed for a little lady in Philadelphia," he brimmed, "and currently I'm working with Nike on a pair of stiletto heels." Bryant insists all of his women wear stiletto heels and fish net stockings cause, "I'm Kobe Bryant and women love shoes and love to wear sexy shoes like that for me and hopefully if I give'em a nice pair of shoes they'll keep their mouths shut." Nike representatives said with the recent loss in stock value of their golf line, "We'd love to put the NIKE swoosh on a line of stilettos!"
The new Nike Kobe Vavoom high heel will retail at Foot Locker for a very affordable $59.99. URBAN MEYER TO LEAVE FLORIDA FOR TEBOW? Gainesville, FL -- University of Florida football coach Urban Meyer announced yesterday that he is resigning from the job for personal health reasons. However speculation was rampant as to why Meyer would suddenly step down from one of the most successful football programs in the country. University of Tennessee's Lane Kiffin, a close friend and rival coach of Meyer, said yesterday that he had the inside scoop on the resignation and wasn't afraid to share it with potential Florida recruits. "Urban is leaving to start a relationship with quarterback Tim Tebow," explained Kiffin. "They became so close over the last four years that Urban can't imagine life without Tim," he continued, "and he told me I'd rather be without coaching than without Tebow...yes, Urban is a crazed sexual pervert, so don't you want to come to Tennessee?" Meyer's people denied the sexual undertone of the resignation but many people close to the program could not deny that coach and player are more than coach and player. "They hug after every touchdown," said one anonymous coach, "and Tebow scored a lot so that's a lot of man to man affection," he added. Meyer's wife Urbette said, "Gee, I was hoping that all of those late night meetings were just film sessions but now you're telling me that Urban could be breaking a commandment?...oh shit!" Tebow vehemently denied the story and even added some bible passage eye black with John 7: 6-9 which says...nevermind. Our policy is never to take a chance with God and bible jokes for fear of divine retribution or crazed revenge from some bible belt wacko. We're pretty sure Meyer is a flaming homosexual so we'll just end it with, we hope you're feeling better Urban and good luck in retirement until that 10 mil a year job opens up at Michigan in 2011. Sure looks like a Gator's gettin' goosed! Wii FIT DOESN'T DO SHIT! Oxford, MS -- The Wii Fit game console that many people bought as a Christmas gift and with the hope of using it to get into shape, "doesn't do Jack shit," according to a Mississippi researcher. Researcher Billy Ray Dupredestination, a exercise and fitness guru, followed several families for one year to see if the highly touted video game/exercise tool actually helps families get into shape. Wii manufacturers have touted the overpriced system as a fun way for the family to get in shape together. Considering that we are a nation of fat, lardo, boat assed, twinkie eating, cheese curl stuffing, erect walking hog people, the premise has it's appeal in helping combat obesity. "But," says Dupredestination, "the fact is we're as gullible and stupid as we are fat." He looked at several large, high caloric subjects, "who sit around all day long in Mississippi eating corn chips with fat back longing for the days when there weren't no civil rights and playing Wii." After watching the Wii players for one year Dupredestination discovered, "Man, there ain't nothing more boring than watching chubby asses playing Wii and thinking they're burning calories and playing Wii doesn't do Jack shit." He released his results yesterday and most notably, Dupredestination said, "Although there is no data that suggests that playing Wii do Jack shit, but playing Wii without clothes on is a huge turn on." "I don't care what you say, any video game with your partner is better without clothes," he writes in the New England Journal of Medicine Cabinets. Wii manufacturer Nintendo thanked Dupredestination for his study and particularly his results. Nintendo CEO Nampooki Pookipooki issued a statement saying, "Until he threw that naked thing in there, we really thought we were sunk."
Come to think about it, isn't everything a little more fun without clothes? PAPAL HONOR BESTOWED ON MIKE VICK; PETA REALLY PISSED! Vatican City -- Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Mike Vick will receive the Knight Commander of Saint Gregory the Great Medal, one of the highest papal honors that is given to an individual. Pope Benedict announced yesterday that, "There's a lot of people I could have given this to but I don't think anyone fits the Saint Gregory the Great mold like Mike Vick." The Pope said Vick's performance against the New York Giants, "sealed the deal." The Pope, who spoke in four languages during the announcement said in Latin, "Dominus Yo Biscum Saggi Tauras Ex Libra Cassitore." He then realized, "Why am I talking in Latin? it's a dead friggin' language!" The Knight Commander of Saint Gregory the Great is given to an NFL player who most exemplifies the traits of "overcoming a few years in prison, getting re-signed, and actually at some point contributing to an offense." Benedict told an audience that initially he thought Vick had lost a step and was too easy to key on in the Wildcat offense. "But," said the 82-year-old Pontiff, "with Desean Jackson out at the flanker spot, you have to respect that fact that Mike is dangerous as a runner and a passer." PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) representatives furiously responded immediately to the award announcement. "You've got to be kidding...you mean there's not a worthy altar boy out there somewhere?" The organization said that they would not, "take this with their clothes on...we plan to strip naked and protest cause truthfully there's nothing we'd rather do than to protest naked." Pope B responded, "I'm all about naked protests so bring on those PETA nuts!"
After the protest, Pope Benedict invited all of the protestors up to his place for Egg Nog and Christmas cookies. NFL ALL ABUZZ WITH NEW HELMET DESIGN New York, NY -- NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced yesterday that the league would "most likely introduce a new helmet" by 2014. Goodell is trying to lead the NFL through the treacherous waters of head concussions where the medical community agrees that football head injuries are threatening the lives of the players but more importantly the life of the sport. "There's billions of dollars at stake," said Goodell, "and if I could do nothing I would but these goddamn doctors and their studies are just a pain in my ass." "Whatever happened to the good old days when a player would get knock out cold, we'd pick'em up, put some smelling salts under his nose and send him right back in the game?" he asked. The commissioner added, "I think we've got a national pussy thing going on here!...so we're going to cave in and come up with a new helmet to shut up these bastards once and for all." The new helmet was designed by Sir Walter Arthur of Buckingham, a tinsmith and part-time warrior. He said the helmet is "battle tested and that if you wear it in combat and you've got a good spear and horse, you can probably survive a French invasion." The helmet is a sort of throwback to old times of knights and damsels but Goodell insisted as he sat with his advisors at a large, round, conference table "We need to change the game of football or I'm out of a $5 mil a year gig!" For years fans have been hearing the annoying refrains from players of "We're going to battle on Sunday," and "These are guys I want to go to war with," so the good news is there's probably going to be less head injuries and more killing. Fans seemed to have mixed reactions towards the new helmet style but everyone universally agrees that if everyone has a spear and a horse, there's a good chance Brett Favre might retire for good.
Can we stop all the wussy concussion talk now? ANGRY MORMANS RIP UP VEGAS Las Vegas, NV -- Nevada State Police were called in to quell a major Las Vegas riot that began after 20,000 Mormans turned angry when they realized that they could not get their cars painted at the MAACO Las Vegas Bowl. Thousands of Brigham Young fans came west of Utah in the hopes of having their wagons touched up and painted by auto giant MAACO. MAACO, a leader in auto body repairs and paint restoration, sponsored a football game but was unprepared for the onslaught of damaged cars and failed to bring enough employees to meet the demand. "Suddenly there were thousands and thousands of Mormans with cars that needed a decent paint job and we only had a handful of executives there to watch a football game," said one MAACO spokesperson. "We didn't expect them to take the 'Better Get MACCO' slogan literally...we tried issuing rain checks but you can't reason with an angry Morman," he added. The parade of Mormans became agitated when they realized that their $100 MAACO coupon would not be honored and that their dents and dings would not be fixed. Suddenly the Mormans began raping and pillaging the entire Las Vegas downtown area. One angry Morman said, "You know all my life I've been looking for a lame excuse to rape and pillage and here it is." Mormans, usually a quiet and religious people, took over the city overturning slot machines and kidnapping scantily clad showgirls. One scantily clad showgirl exclaimed, "I always thought Mormans were a usually quiet and religious people." Dr. Willy Grehem, a professor of Crazy Religions at the Jack and Betty's On-Line University, explained, " Yes, Mormans are a quiet and religious people but Mormans take a lot of pride in two things, their cars and the number of wives they can round up." He said, "You tell a Morman that he's gotta drive around in crap car that needs a paint job and you've got a major problem on your hands." "And truthfully," he added, "aren't we all just looking for an excuse to rape and pillage?" After the raping and pillaging subsided Brigham Young University defeated Oregon State 44-20 in a rather uneventful game and then the Mormans quietly returned to Utah.
The Book of Morman clearly calls on Mormans to "Better Get MAACO!" SALVATION ARMY HELPS RAMS St. Louis, MO -- Rest assure tis the season to be jolly and generous and the Salvation Army is leading the way. Historically, the Army has helped millions with their ubiquitous red kettles strategically placed at mall entrances to make you feel guilty and dig down for that seven cents that's left over from your Starbucks change which can't buy shit and you couldn't even call 911 if you had a heart attack. BUT, it's important for the good of our society to have these red kettles and throw in our change so that we can lift up our less fortunate brethren. And with that, the SA announced yesterday an added incentive for all those reluctant to donate to a non-profit entity. Col. Fred Farleycorn of Battalion 167 explained, "Most people are solicited to death these day by every Tom, Dick, and Harry charity helping everyone from victims of toe nail loss to Tiger's ex-girlfriends so we felt it important to insure that our donors would feel secure in their giving...and that's why all Salvation Army funds collected will go to the St. Louis Rams." The 1-13 Rams said they were extremely grateful for any donations and promised that if enough was collected they would "definitely go after a high priced free-agent quarterback like Jeff Garcia." Since the Rams were declared a federal disaster area they do qualify for immediate FEMA assistance and coach Steve Spagnulo implored the National Guard to "just come in and wipe out our team and we'll start over." President Obama told Congress that, "I think the time is right for swift, decisive action...let's move the Rams back to LA."
Can't you spare a little something for an O-Line? HOLMGREN DEMANDS THEY MOVE CLEVELAND Cleveland, OH -- The negotiations between the Cleveland Browns organization and NFL legend Mike Holmgren broke down late last night when Holmgren unexpectedly asked for Cleveland to be "moved someplace else." The Browns' owner Randy Lerner had targeted Holmgren to take over as President, General Manager, and Coach of the team and offered him the GNP of Botswana to take the job. Holmgren seemed to be a lock until yesterday when he demanded that Cleveland be moved to another location. Holmgren said later, "I love the franchise, love the current roster of players, I even love Brady Quinn but I hate f***ing Cleveland." The former Packers and Seahawks coach suggested that there are some nice locations on the Gulf of Mexico where Cleveland would fit nicely. "Look, they've got all this devastation still hanging around from Katrina, why not just put Cleveland there in Mississippi?" he asked. "Look, I was in Green Bay and froze my nuts off for 10 years and f***ing Cleveland makes Green Bay look like Saudi Arabia," quipped Holmgren. Lerner, a multi-billionaire businessman who made his fortune in shirt buttons, said, "I think it's a small price to pay to bring in a Super Bowl caliber coach. Lerner offered the citizens of Cleveland the choice of moving the entire city or remaining where they are with Eric Mangini as coach. Last night, millions of Clevelanders took to the streets in support of the move. Hank Joscowizc, a lifelong resident of the city said, "You know, Holmgren's f***ing right, it's too f***ing cold here, let's get the f***outta here!" Former Cleveland receiver Braylon Edwards said that when he was traded from Cleveland, "My penis grew 4 inches just from the change in temperature." "It was like magic," said Edwards, "like it was in hibernation during my entire career in Cleveland." Holmgren echoed that sentiment saying, "Look, no more shrinkage for me either, lets go south!"
Let's just blow the whole f***ing place up! Pass me a goddamn blanket...I'm freezing my ass off just looking at this! NUDE RUGBY TAKES ON LINGERIE LEAGUE Fortunato Beach, CA -- The All-Nude Male Rugby League debuted yesterday on a deserted California beach in front of several very interested fans. The new sports league is the brainchild of entrepreneur and sports enthusiast Mark Cuban who said, "Male nude rugby has been neglected for far too long! And I can win a f***ing championship in the NBA!" The league will adopt the same format as the recently formed Lingerie League with "any naked person who wants to show up and tackle another naked person can make the team." Cuban fired his starter pistol and announced, "Let the games begin." In the inaugural game the LA Bondage played the San Francisco Caboose to a 0-0 tie and in the words of one player, "It's not important who won the game, it's more important that we're naked, sweaty, and rolling around together." One spectator Ralph Fines explained, "I was walking along the beach with this stupid metal detector thing I bought on e-Bay and I'm sweeping the beach like a f***ing idiot looking for pennies and shit costume jewelry when all of a sudden I look up and see 20 naked men running to and fro, it was a real find." Lingerie League owners held an emergency meeting to discuss this new threat but later released a statement saying, "Let's see women tackling and scratching each other in lingerie or naked me running around with the dongs bedouking all over the place with an occasional scrum...what threat?"
Here it is! And plenty of good seats available. CALIPARI DEFENDS HIMSELF AGAINST KNIGHT ASSAULT Lexington, KY -- University of Kentucky basketball coach promised he would not stand idly by while former Indiana Hoosiers coach Bob Knight, "takes cheap shots at me." Yesterday in a news conference Knight commented, "There's no integrity in basketball anymore...we've got a coach down at Kentucky who's put two programs on probation and he's still coaching." Knight continued his argument saying, "Back in my day, we had values, we threw chairs, and choked the shit out of a player who would make a mistake." He added, "I never got paid a nickel for coaching or endorsements and the schools I coached at never took television monies, man, did we ever have integrity!" Calipari hot with anger, challenged Knight to an MMA (Mixed Martial Arts) bout but then cooled down and spoke of his academic achievements at UMass, Memphis, and Kentucky. "Look I challenge anyone to come down to Kentucky and spend a day with our players not going to class, smoking weed, and playing some damn challenging Madden '09!" After his rebuttal, reporters were allowed to walk around and sit in on players' classes with Calipari's program academic advisor, Kelvin Sampson. Sampson was very proud of the rigorous academic program he has mapped out for the KU players. He explained a typical student-athlete's day at Kentucky. Sampson re-capped, "First they get up, and you know how kids are, they hate to get up so we try to wake-em before 11...then they go to their first class and someone reads them a story, and kids love stories...then it's noon and it's time for a nap. So they take a nappie with their blankie then when they wake up they have milk and a snack and gee the day's over." Calipari said, "Gees, I'm tired just hearing about it and yo Bob Knight? Who got canned for physical and verbal abuse?" Knight could only stutter, "You fu...fu...f***king weasel!"
Remember the good old days of college basketball purity? LIONS OWNER EXTREMELY BUSY BUT PLEASED Detroit, MI -- Detroit Lions owner and CEO William Ford Jr. said he has very busy advising the Obama Administration on economic policy that "I haven't had the time to enjoy watching the Lions like I normally do and I admit, I've let myself get out of touch." However, despite being away from the team and preoccupied with trying to revive the dismal American economic forecast, Ford pointed to the Lions as a source of great pride for him. "I know I've been busy and I know it's important that I keep up with the team but I think Wayne Fontes is doing a hellava job as head coach and as long as we have Barry Sanders, we're in every game," commented Ford. Ford did admit, "I really want to get involved after the season's over and when we get ready for the spring draft." He added, "I love being in the war room looking at players and predicting who the great NFL players of the future who aren't coming to Detroit...I gotta say that I'm leaning towards taking a wide receiver in the first round." "I know that it's against conventional NFL wisdom to draft a receiver with your top pick, and we've never done that, but there are some fabulous receivers like Charles Rogers over there at Michigan State, who would look terrific in a Lions' uniform," he enthusiastically spoke. Ford did reveal too, that he was in negotiations with ESPN commentator Matt Millen for a possible executive position. "Matt's a terrific football guy and I think he could step in and really help our organization," added Ford. On the economic front, Ford has been charged by Obama to help the Commerce Department bring some fresh ideas to right our economic ship. Ford has been touting expanding the NFL season to "16 games from our present 14 game format because that's two extra games for all those teams and that's a lot of extra money coming in." The motor company czar has often been accused of being aloof and disconnected with both the Lions and his Ford Motor Company but he emphatically stated, "As soon as I get through with this new Ford Pinto Project, believe me, you're going to see a lot more of me putting new energy into the Lions!"
Out of touch? Not Bill Ford Jr.! Detroit Lions, Ford Pinto? That's a real "Titan of Industry!" MIZZOU WOMEN BEAT UP CHEERLEADER Colombia, MO -- Two University of Missouri women's basketball players were arrested for allegedly beating up a male cheerleader. Seniors Amanda Hanneman and Jessra Johnson assaulted and injured cheerleader Justin Short on Friday at an off-campus party. Missouri coach Cindy Stein said yesterday, "We're proud of our Lady Tigers when they actually behave like Tigers and if I get the chance, I'm going to claw the eyes from Pat Summit." Short, who asked that his name not be used and was last seen heading on a bus towards Canada, had no other comment than to say, "My father was very much against me being a cheerleader and now I think I get it." Johnson defended herself and Hanneman saying, "It (the beating) needed to be done and we did it because we're women and we're basketball players and we like playing rough." Hanneman and Johnson were arrested and detained in a local women's jail where Hanneman said, "You couldn't believe the love and support we experienced from all of the jailed women...I hope we get at least a three-year sentence." Los Angeles Lakers forward Ron Artest immediately proposed to Hanneman and Johnson saying, "Hey, if we move to Utah we could be one big fighting family!" Colombia District Attorney Winston Marlborough said, "I'm very concerned that this incident could touch off a firestorm of violence aimed at male cheerleaders." Marlborough believes, "That there's just a lot of people look at male cheerleaders and ask, 'Why?' and I'm afraid they could become an easy target for this type of random violence." Noted exercise guru and cheerleader Richard Simmons commented, "People! Can't we all just get along? And Justin Short...you hold your head high young man! You're a cheerleader! Oh...and call me!"
The plain truth is, if you are male cheerleader, you're going to get beat up at some point of your career. ANDREWS' STALKER JUST TRYING TO SELL CHEAP TERM INSURANCE Los Angeles, CA -- ESPN reporter Erin Andrews stared straight into the eyes of her convicted stalker, insurance executive Michael Barrett, and confronted him about his ridiculously high quote on term life insurance. Barrett, who has plead guilty to stalking Andrews in three cities and taking nude photos of her through a hotel keyhole, said, "I work hard for my clients and believe me when I tell you, I tried to give Erin the best possible coverage that was available." Andrews told the judge that she never wants Barrett "to see the light of day again" because of the trauma he put her through. "I think I speak for all insurance victims that we often overpay for coverage that we don't need," said the visibly shaken Andrews. Barrett stood motionless as his 5-year prison term was announced but later defended his stalking and the nude photos he had taken as "just part of my job." "An insurance executive has to be thorough...you can't believe how many people lie about their age in order to get the preferred rates available to young customers." Barrett said he took the nude photos of Andrews "purely so I could determine her proper age and protect the company from a fraudulent practice." In speaking publicly for the first time, Andrews described her nightmares about purchasing insurance. "Every time I see a gecko or those f***ing goofy cavemen, I shake and ask myself, when will they stop that campaign?" Andrews did say that she hopes there comes a day "when I can sit down with my agent and really shop and compare whole life against term insurance because my instincts tell me that whole life is a very poor savings alternative to a ten year CD."
We would be very disappointed if Erin lied about her age just to save a few bucks on insurance coverage. SPONSORS STEP FORWARD IN DROVES TO SUPPORT TIGER Kissamibals, FL -- Hundreds of corporate sponsors announced today that they will continue to back the embattled golfer Tiger Woods today and in the future as he battles image problems from marital infidelity. Swiss watchmaker Tag Heuer, who has a multimillion dollar deal with Woods announced a new slogan for their line of watches saying, "If you're paying by the hour, why rely on anyone but Tag Heuer?" Nike altered their ad campaign to "Just Do It Again and Again, Fall Asleep, Wake Up, and Do It Again!" "This is very gratifying," said Woods and he added, "I really thought I'd have to disappear for awhile but jees, now I can go out and just get some more ho's." Gillette, who's slogan "The Best A Man Can Get," quickly changed their campaign to reflect, "Gillette, Like The Fifteenth Best Thing A Man Can Get!" In addition Woods picked up endorsements from Trojenz, K-Y-Jelly, Enzyte Penile Enhancer, Little Debbie's Snack Cakes, Jello Pudding and Pie Filling, Planter's Nuts, Jeb's Beef Jerky, Doctor Johnson's Love Cream, and Hasbro Toys, to name just a few. Woods flippantly remarked, "Little Debbie? Oh yeah, she's my bitch too!" He even went as far to suggest that Hasbro "oughta put out some serious adult toys that vibrate cause man, Tiger ain't playing with no Hess truck!" While sipping a Schlitz Malt Liquor (his preferred malt beverage), Woods assured his fans, "Shiat, Elin bought a f***ing house in Sweden, the party's just gettin' started, pass the Courvoisier."
Little Debbie told reporters, "I thought he really cared about me but I guess I'm just another snack in his pantry." TENNESSEE'S KIFFIN ON HOT SEAT Knoxville, TN -- The NCAA is investigating the University of Tennessee football program and defensive coordinator Monte Kiffin after allegations surfaced that there are serious recruiting improprieties occurring at the school. Initially, reports surfaced that head coach Lane Kiffin, was using "female hostesses" (hookers) to show prospective recruits around the campus and entice them to come to campus. Female hostesses (hookers) have long been a staple of football recruiting going back to the 1950's when Bear Bryant used his Bear's Angels to attract some of the south's best football talent. Bryant once said about the practice, "Get a boy laid, get a boy signed." Kiffin agrees and yesterday said about the investigation, "We've got nothing to hide...this is Tennessee and there's only two things to show a recruit, Tennessee whiskey and Tennessee hookers...and hey, they don't call them 'Volunteers' for nothing." However, the NCAA is concerned that Kiffen's father, Monte, may have crossed the recruiting line when allegedly, he refused to share a group of hostesses (hookers) with high school recruits. Sources close to the investigation said the elder Kiffin "keeps all of the female hostesses (hookers) for himself at a remote mountain location." Evidently several of the hostessess (hookers) report that, "Monte Kiffin is wearing us out!" Some of the hostesses (hookers) and their parents have complained to University officials that they were told that "our girls would use sexual favors to recruit high school football recruits but instead they have become the sole pleasure toys of Monte Kiffin." Kiffin Sr. would only say, "It's great to be back on a college campus and I feel like a kid again!"
Kiffin said, "Chicks dig guys named Monte!" RAVENS' SUGGS WANTS TO BE A HAIRDRESSER Baltimore, MD -- Baltimore Ravens All-Pro linebacker Terrell Suggs yesterday announced that "I want to be a hairdresser," and said soon he will have his own shop. On Friday, a judge issued a restraining order forbidding Suggs from having contact with the mother of his two children. Allegedly there was an incident where Suggs allegedly hit Candace D. Williams, knocking her to the floor and then stood over her with a bottle of bleach threatening to douse her and "drown you bitch!" Suggs defended his actions saying, "I'm just a frustrated hairdresser, and I was just trying to add some blonde streaks to Candace's hair." However, Williams claimed emphatically, "I don't want to be a blonde, never want to be blonde, and this mother f***er is trying to beat my ass and color my hair? Keep that mother f***er away from my ass!" An attorney for Suggs said, "It is our position that if Candace tried the blonde streaks for a few weeks, she may really like the look." He explained, "Oftentimes when a new hair color is introduced there is an adjustment period where both the client and significant others have to adjust to the new look and she may even have to bear annoying comments like, 'Whaddya do to your hair?' and 'You blonded up your hair bitch?' but people do get use to it to a point where they think that's your natural color." The judge in the case forbid Suggs from coloring anyone's hair until he passes his state license test. "We can't have anyone, even a high priced NFL player, just practicing hairdressing without a license." Suggs promised the court, " Suggs met with Ravens' officials and told them that he plans to finish the season but next year, "I'm gonna be working with bitches and making them look real pretty."
It takes some time to get used to the new blonde hair color but give it a few seconds. WOODS BREAKS CHAMBERLAIN RECORD Hasta LaVista, FL -- Professional golfer Eldrick "Tiger" Woods reached another milestone yesterday when the Guinness Book of Records announced that Woods has surpassed deceased basketball player Wilt Chamberlain for "Bagging Women" record. Dr. Clive Underherr, official scorekeeper for Guinness, said, "How the hell did I get a job with these idiots?...I thought I was working for Guinness, the beer guys!" Underherr, immediately tendered his resignation but not before tipping his stout to Woods. "Ten thousand women and he's only 33, when did he have time for breathing?" Woods said through his agent, "I want to thank everyone involved, especially all of those women who came forward or no one would have ever known just what a dedicated womanizer I am." Upon receiving an engraved plague from the Guinness Book, Woods acknowledged, "I look forward to another ten thousand so I'm temporarily giving up golf." Fellow PGA golfer Phil Mickelson commented, "I, too want to thank all of the women who came forward, because no matter how I managed to choke in a major, I think this could be my year." Mickelson, the ever stickler for a ruling, did ask for a Guinness clarification, "Is it bagging women or banging women...I believe there is a fine distinction." Woods wife Elin said, "I ask everyone to respect our privacy especially when you hear gunshots."
Chamberlain still holds the record for 100 women in one night though many think before it's over Woods could shatter that one, too. DARTMOUTH-HARVARD SQUASH GETS UGLY Hanover, NH -- Several thousand people were injured in a drug induced, drunken orgy, riotous atmosphere that has become the norm in college squash. College squash, long the bastion of Ivy blue-blood superiority, has dipped it's feet deep into the cesspool of collegiate athletics. After Dartmouth upset 5th ranked Harvard for the first time in 20 years, Hanover residents went crazy in wild celebration torching the entire town and turning over buses and automobiles. The incident has shattered Hanover's and Dartmouth's image as genteel and has critics comparing Ivy League squash to a Snoop Dog Hip Hop venue. Snoop Dog immediately flew to the area where he filmed another in his series of "Dartmouth Girls Snoop Dog Style Gone Wild And Hey Did I Mention I Love Bitches and Ho's?" "Wow, schnizel my spiezel and watch my diezel drizzle," said Snoop D. For at least 90 minutes Dartmouth students pelted Harvard male and female players with verbal taunts and obscenity laced insults which some witnesses described as "misogynistic and homophobic." Snoop Dog added, "I'm not sure what misogynistic or homophobic mean, I just know I like bitches and ho's, and man, I ain't ever letting no dude schinizzel my dizele!" Dartmouth President Jim Kim Il Jong commented, "We oughta nuke the whole town of Hanover and I dare you to throw out one Korean joke!" Il Jong added, "That Snoop fella is one great filmmaker...where can I get one of his swanky DVD's?" The NCAA said that they will convene a meeting in January to strategize just how to address the demise of the squash culture and "get down Doggy style!"
These friggin' squash people are out of their minds! WOODEN ADMITS HE'S TRYING TO FORGET BILL WALTON Los Angeles, CA -- Former UCLA Bruins basketball coach, 99-year-old John Wooden, said in an interview yesterday that Kobe Bryant was the greatest player he's ever seen play the game. In another surprising revelation, the feeble Wooden admitted, "No matter how hard I try, I can't forget that big, red headed asshole that use to play center for me...whathisname? yeah, Bill Walton...see I told you, I forget everything with this dementia thing but even dementia can't stop thoughts of Bill Walton!" Doctors explained that often times with dementia, patients remember "those really big assholes, the ones who never shut up and love to hear themselves go on and on and on and on, sort of like Bill Walton." Wooden could not for the life of him remember the great Michael Jordan or Wilt Chamberlain or Lew Alcindor but "Kobe and Walton are right on the tip of my tongue." Wooden added, "Look if I could get full blown dementia that would be just terrific but until then I hear that whiney, bragging Walton talking over and over in my head...oh it sucks to get old and still remember." Walton said, "I'm not surprised he remembers me, I mean who could forget me, I remember one game in 1969 where I juked left, oh and did I mention no one has footwork like I had and I think that's the problem with kids today, they don't have the kind of footwork we used to..." Wooden added, "Can somebody just get a f***ing gun and end either my or his life?"
Bill Walton added, "Yes, I was the greatest basketball player of all-time, just ask my coach." STERN ANNOUNCES, "WE WILL HAVE WOMEN WITHIN 10 YEARS!" New York, NY -- Sounding much the same as President John Kennedy when he predicted the United States would land a man on the moon, NBA commissioner David Stern boldly stated that, "We will have women in the NBA within 10 years." Stern challenged the United States to mobilize the entire nation in the service of that goal. "Americans have shown time and time again that when presented with a challenge they can mobilize the creativity and intelligence and the discipline to achieve the impossible," said Stern. At the moment naysayers strongly doubt Stern's vision. (And what the hell is a naysayer anyway? Have you ever heard anyone say nay? Of course not. So why don't we call them nosayers or nowaysayers or getthef***outtaheresayers?) Critics of the NBA say that though the sport in it's current form sucks until about two days before the 7th game of the Finals, women still do not have the speed, athleticism, or strength to survive the NBA season. However, these critics have never visited the "Tongue Twister Cafe and Disco" where we dare you to say that out loud. New Jersey Nets coach Kiki Vandeweghe said, "I'm excited about having women in the league and it's a barrier I can't wait to knock down." "Does anyone realize how long I've been around with a name like Kiki?" he asked. "I think it could take a ton of pressure of me," he sighed, "and besides we're the f***ing Nets and I'd gladly coach 20 dykes compared to what I've got now." Stern believes that one day the NBA could be to OBA or the Oprah Basketball Association, with all games broadcasted on the O Network. "Why not have Dr. Oz giving vaginal health advice at halftime and then we can seriously get rid of Sir Charles for good," Stern added breathlessly.
Ten years? How about ten minutes? WEIS CITES BOWDEN DOUBLE STANDARD South Bend, IN -- Fired Notre Dame football coach feels that he's a victim of a unjust double standard. Weis met with reporters today to explain how because of who he is and where he coached, that he incurred more media scrutiny than any other coach in the history of college football. "Because I'm fat and obnoxious and coached at Notre Dame and worked for Bill Belichick and really never got past a .500 season, people seem to want to take pot shots at me," whimpered Weis. He also cited a 60 Minutes segment that reported he "cussed to damn much," as evidence that there is an international conspiracy set out on destroying any recollection of Charlie Weis. "I'm not down in sunny Florida having a threesome with two undergraduates like Bobby Bowden is," Weis explained throwing the 80-year-old Bowden under the bus. Weis went on to say, "I'm home with my wife, for God's sake, what the hell is wrong with me?" Bowden neither admitted or denied his involvement with the co-eds but did admit, "If I could land a threesome at 80-years-old, who gives a shit about the all-time wins record?" Bowden announced that he may not return at the helm next year because, "Dang it, I'm getting me some boner pills and going to the beach with Candy and Taffy, two undergraduate geriatrics majors...I'll show them some geriatrics!" Weis did agree that, "I'm all for the boner pills but I can't fit in that goddamn Cialis bathtub!"
USC's Pete Carroll asked, "Is Taffy, Candy or is Candy, Taffy, or both?" FURYK GETS FURYK AFTER WINNING TOURNEY Los Angeles, CA -- Pro golfer Jim Furyk was very happy to bring his 28-month tour victory drought to a close after winning the Chevron Golf Challenge. The American Ryder Cup player banked $4.2 million in 2009 without one first place finish but managed a 13-under total for four days picking up his largest paycheck in two years. Tiger Woods, the host of the tournament surprisingly pulled out, could only comment, "I pull out more than you can imagine but I'm happy a guy with a name like Furyk got the win." Woods quipped, "Guess who's being getting Furyk'd a lot lately?" Furyk took exception to Wood's joke and the characteristically laid back golfer smacked Woods upside the head with a Big Bertha. "Lots of people make fun of my name," said Furyk, "and it hurts, so please no more Furyk You jokes." Woods however couldn't resist saying, "What the Furyk?" and "Get the Furyk Outta Here." Furyk threatened never to play golf with Woods again until Woods offered a few of his castoffs to him. Woods explained, "Hey, they're only cocktail waitresses but you can get in a hellava lot of trouble with a cocktail waitress." Furyk and Woods made up with Furyk saying, "Look, you can make fun of me all that you want as long as you're shuffling me booty."
Furyk walked away with a Woods' trophy and a Woods' trophy. REPORT LINKS NICKLAUS TO ROSIE O'DONNELL Muirfield, OH -- A report in the National Menquire links golfing legend Jack Nicklaus to comedianne, actress, gab-fest host, lesbian Rosie O'Donnell. Supposedly, Nicklaus has a clandestine affair with O'Donnell and kept it a secret from his family and golf fans for over 25 years until yesterday when the story hit the streets. Police were called to the Nicklaus house yesterday after Jack was injured in a tractor accident. Witnesses say Nicklaus stormed from the house after an argument with his wife Barbara, and proceeded to speed around his property on a John Deere tractor. Nicklaus lost control of the vehicle while blowing leaves and struck several trees sustaining several non-life threatening injuries. He was treated in a local hospital and released. Nicklaus had no comment about the report but did allude to the fact that he and his wife have struggled with his marital infidelity for years and she's definitely hit him several times with a sand wedge. Longtime Nicklaus observers say they are not sure if he can survive another tarnishing mark on his formerly pristine image. "An affair with Rosie O'Donnell? Christ, hit me with a sand wedge too...no harder, til you kill me," said longtime golf analyst Peter Useterhouse. The golfing world spent the better part of yesterday trying to re-group, while the Nicklaus camp plotted strategy for damage control to the Nicklaus brand. Nicklaus issued a statement through his agent saying, "I'm only a human being and like any other human being I'm subject to temptation. Sounds like total bullshit, doesn't it?" O'Donnell said she has struggled for years being a "closet heterosexual" and "could no longer live with the shame." "For years I've kept an ugly secret and tried to live a life as a lesbian but I could no longer fool myself and it just so happens that Jack was there when I needed him most...I'm sorry to my fans and to his family but seriously, I'm hitting the ball longer and straighter than ever." It's uncertain how this revelation will affect NIcklaus or O'Donnell's career. "For the most part, can anyone realistically forgive Jack ever?" asked golfer Jesper Parnevik. "I'm disappointed in him and I'll never fix him up with anyone ever again."
O'Donnell in front of her house said, "There's a great relief now that the story is out there." MARK MANGINO WINS SUMO DEBUT Tokyo, Japan -- Just days after Mark Mangino was fired (resigned after having his arm twisted to the point of multiple fractures) from his job as head coach of the University of Kansas football team, he triumphed in his opening bout on Japan's Sumo circuit. Mangino left coaching on Thursday saying, "We sucked this year and the football season is just too f***ing long so I've decided to wrestle." The former coach added, "Friends and family have always encouraged me to go to Japan and just get the f*** away from us." Kansas AD Lew Perkins said, "We're grateful to Mark Mangino for his eight seasons but there were just too many f***ing people who said he was a big a-hole and he'd be better suited to wrestle." Allegations surfaced several weeks ago that Mangino was verbally and physically abusive to several players even resorting to racial taunting. Players accused him of saying things like, "Who's your Daddy?" and "Do you want to be my bitch?" and then becoming very angry when players had no answers. Mangino said yesterday, "Japan is great...I can abuse the shit out of anyone on the street and they can't understand me or report me to anyone." Already, Mangino has become a household word in Japan and in his first competitive bout he easily handle opponent Takihomo Homosu. Sumo wrestling is a competitive contact sport where one wrestler tries to force another wrestler out of a circular ring. Though is looks really stupid, evidently you've got to be fat as shit and wear a little g-string. There's something seriously wrong with these Japanese who get their kicks watching really, really, really fat guys slapping each other while wearing thongs. Who knows, maybe that kind of shit turns you on. In that case, go to Japan and see Mark Mangino and you're in for a big treat.
Mangino teased his opponent with his old KU taunt, "You wanna go back to dodging bullets in the hood?" HINES WARD ISSUES APOLOGY TO BIG BEN Pittsburgh, PA -- Pittsburgh Steelers wide receiver Hines Ward sent quarterback Ben Roethlisberger an apology card after calling him a "big pussy" last Monday for not playing in a showdown game against the Baltimore Ravens. Ward openly questioned Roethlisberger's toughness for sitting out a game with playoff ramifications. Roethlisberger suffered a concussion the week before and doctors thought it best to sit him out until more conclusive tests were completed. Dr. Cal Tarpitts explained, "Several times I asked Ben, 'Who are you?' and he responded, 'I'm Ethel Merman!'" Ethel Merman, a large Broadway and film star from the 1940's and 50's, is probably best know for her role as the mother in the classic film "Gypsy," in which she plays an overbearing mother who drives her shy daughter (the dead but then very hot Natalie Wood) to become a stripper. She also scored a big hit with the song, "There's No Buisness Like Show Business," which can still be purchased from itunes for just $.99. NFL commissioner Roger Goodall, who is cracking down on letting players on the field too soon after a concussion, said, "Hey, if Ben wants to perform as Ethel Merman, he can open for 'The Who,' at the halftime show of the Super Bowl. Ward in his apology to Roethlisberger denied calling his QB a "pussy." Ward wrote in his note, "What I said was that Mitch Berger, not Roethlisberger, is a pussy." Mitch Berger, a punter for the Denver Broncos, has played for every single team in the National Football League and has been around since 1994 and if probably one of the most feared punters to ever play the game. Ward added, "Doesn't the name Mitch Berger just sound like a 'pussy'?" Ward asked. He closed his apology with, "Ben, from the bottom of my I love you and I never meant to hurt you...please accept my apology and let me back into your life...Love, Hines."
Mitch Berger: College, University of Colorado; Punter, Denver Broncos; Drafted, 1994, 5th Round; pussy? WHITE HOUSE PARTY CRASHERS SHOWER WITH WEIS South Bend, IN -- The couple who crashed a White House state dinner last week struck again yesterday as Notre Dame's former football coach took his last shower at Notre Dame Stadium. Tariq and Michaele Salahi were able to pass through Public Safety checkpoints at stadium, enter the Irish inner sanctum locker room, disrobe and take a shower with Charlie Weis. The Secret Service has acknowledged that the Salahis had no formal invitation to shower with Weis but were able to pass through several detectors on route to their Weis rendezvous. The couple insisted later on a television interview that they were invited to shower with Weis but Weis said he had no particular recollection of asking them to share the experience. "Lots of people want to shower with me," said Weis toweling off, "and I can't possibly shower with all of the people who request, so we have procedures for these types of things and obviously procedures were not followed." Sadly, Weis was fired by Notre Dame after Saturday's loss to Stanford, but he insisted on one final shower at the famed stadium. "I guess a lot of people might say, I should be happy with an $18 million buyout but the truth of the matter is that water pressure in that locker room is priceless," Weis explained. The Salahis, noted publicity mongers, said they felt that a shower with Weis could turn into a regular reality TV show. "Seriously, everything under the sun has been done, but you have to admit, a "Showering With Charlie Weis Show" has some awesome cable potential," said Tariq. House Homeland Security Chairman Bennie Thompson (D-Miss) asked, "If the Salahis can get to Charlie Weis that easily, what's that say about our country's national security?" The answer to this may be debated for years to come but one thing is for sure according to Michaele Salahi, "He's alot bigger, nude and in person, than he appears on the sideline."
America has fallen prey to flimsy shower security...you're just not safe! SHECKSTEIN SUSPECTS WIFE AND WOODS Jockweb, HQ -- Psychic, herbalist, anthropologist, and Jockweb CEO Shecky Sheckstein told staffers yesterday that he's almost positive that his wife Myra is carrying on a clandestine relationship with professional golfer Tiger Woods. Woods, who has been in the news recently because of a car crash, has been battling allegations of marital infidelity since his accident. Tabloid journalists throughout the world have feasted on the Woods' story much the same a tabby cat feeds on "Meow Mix'.* But Woods has yet to come clean about reports that he has slept with cocktail waitresses from Augusta to Pebble Beach. Sheckstein said he became suspicious of his wife and Woods last summer when suddenly Myra had a burning desire to play golf in Nike underwear. Myra, a former Popular Mechanics centerfold, denied Sheckstein's jealous accusation, responding, "My only wish is that you had a Cadillac Escalade to crash into a tree." Sheckstein put all husbands on notice saying, "If your wife is glued to the television during all of the Majors and regularly pants whenever Tiger makes a classic Sunday, three down with four holes to go run,' don't for a minute just think it's a hot flash cause she's probably banging Tiger, at least in her imagination." "She started using words like 'stymie' and 'bogey' and became obsessed with shaving her armpits with the Tiger endorsed 'Gilette Fusion' razor," he explained. "It all adds up, but all I want if for Tiger to be a man and come forth and admit the truth," said Sheckstein fighting back tears. Though in the next breath, Sheckstein did suggest that Woods and he possibly consider a wife swap. "I could handle getting Elin in the deal if all of the parties can agree," Sheckstein proposed. "I'm a guy who can forgive," was his message to Woods, "especially if the make-up gift is Elin."
Myra Sheckstein, the other woman in the whole Woods affair?
*notice the tight use of metaphor, a sign that Jockweb expands your literary horizons as well as heightens your sports IQ. MARION JONES SIGNED BY SIXERS Philadelphia, PA -- Disgraced track star Marion Jones signed a short term contract with the Philadelphia Sixers where she hopes to stage a successful athletic comeback. Jones, who recently left prison after a six-month sentence for lying about her steroid use and for her role in a check fraud scam. But the Sixers hope that Jones will be the answer to their point guard woes. Recently, guard Lou Williams broke his jaw and there has been pressure for the franchise to do something to fill up arena seats. The lackluster Sixers have dropped 8 straight games and management was so despondent that they considered signing Allen Iverson until Jones became available. One team spokesperson asked, "Really, who would you rather have in your locker room shower, a disgraced Marion Jones or too-ed up Allen?" Jones played point guard in college at the University of North Carolina where she graduated in 1994. "I want to be a role model for kids," said Jones, "so kids understand that they can lie, cheat, sell drugs, use drugs, deny it, and then deny again under oath, go to jail, be attacked by some really huge Amazon women, come out, and get picked up by an NBA team." Sixers coach Eddie Jordan said, "Marion's resume speaks for itself and she's a perfect fit for the NBA." He asked Jones, "Seriously, is female prison remotely similar to male prison, I mean, what I want to ask is, well like you know like if you're in a cell with a guy in prison, like there's a good chance like he's going to, well you know, you're getting it put to you and like what I want to know, is there like a lot of sort of women on women, you know, like..." Jones broke in and replied, "Yes, it's exactly like that!" With that Jordan welcomed her to the Sixers and reassurred her, "Well that kind of thing can't happen here."
The question again is , "Who would you rather shower with?" A) Marion Jones B) The Answer The Answer is surely not the Answer! WOODS DENIES WIFE CHOPPED OFF MEMBER Poco Baton, FL -- A spokesperson for golf legend Tiger Woods denies reports that his wife, Elin Woods, cut off her husband's penis after reports surfaced in the National Enquirer that Woods was carrying on with a New York restaurant hostess. Florida Highway Patrol reported yesterday that they found a discarded penis on Highway 5 and the penis matched the description of Woods'. But Woods' attorney denied that report saying that "Tiger's penis is totally intact and that he had several healthy pees today." Police seek to question Woods about an accident he had on Thursday evening in front of his house where he struck a tree and a fire hydrant in his Cadillac Escalade. Initial reports said that the accident was caused by Buick executives, who were annoyed that Woods was driving a Cadillac after they've paid him millions to drive Buicks. Later, several neighbors reported that they witnessed Woods' wife standing over him with a Nike Sumo driver, swinging hard at his crotch screaming, "You low down bastard, how could you cheat on such a hot blonde as myself?" One neighbor, who is blind in one eye and partially blind in the other, swore, "I think she cut off his penis!" The story hit the internet and now Woods vehemently wants the world to know, "Tiger's wood is doing just fine!" Police however, want to know, just who's penis do they have in custody? Lead investigator Lester Chester said, "We find a lot of penises on the side of the road and most of them we just put in the recycling basket but imagine the excitement around the office when we've got the penis of the greatest golfer in history?...AND it would fetch a hefty price on the auction market, don't you think?" Nike, INC. issued a statement that, "Our drivers, with space age titanium technology, definitely outperform the competition but more than likely will not harm your penis unless used in a manner than otherwise recommended."
Remember this guy? For some reason, he just crossed our minds. YOKO ONO TO SING AT SUPERBOWL HALFTIME New York, NY -- The National Football League announced yesterday that Yoko Ono will perform some of her biggest hits during the halftime of this year's Superbowl. Ono, one of the world biggest hit makers of all time, allegedly broke up the Beatles in 1970, but that didn't stop the NFL from booking her. "Yoko is soooooo, soooooo hot," said Goodall, "and we're really excited about what could be our best halftime show yet and personally, I'm hoping for a little wardrobe malfunction, if you catch my drift." Goodall said that the league decided to go with Ono after the previously booked group, The Who, were told "no one really wanted them." Goodall added, "I think we (the NFL) has clearly demonstrated that we like to find the oldest, most irrelevant acts available and then pay exorbitant money for them to play songs that no one remembers and we didn't want to make this year any different." Goodall assured fans that Ono penned most of the Beatles hits, "but sadly she just doesn't get the credit she deserves and did I mention that she is sooooooo hot?" Ono did appear on several collaborations with husband John Lennon but mostly sat in the background and made shrill animal noises that pissed off then Beatle Paul McCartney. Ono, who shocked and angered the puritanical 60's critics, when she and Lennon appeared naked on an album covered, promised, "I'm still the same naked Ono only I'm 40 years older." "Can you imagine Yoko naked on our stage at halftime?" asked Goodall. "IF that doesn't get the old love juices flowing, I don't know what does!" he panted. Ono, a veteran performance artist*, said she planned to simulate a cow giving birth to her calf during a tornado. "It will be very loud, shrill, with a lot of screaming...I think fans will really enjoy a side of me they've never seen," assured Ono.
"I'm sure a lot of our younger fans missed this great album cover," said Goodall, "and wow, is she hot or what?"
*PERFORMANCE ART: You too could be a performance artist and not even know it. Go to your garage. Pick up anything. Yeah, that hammer right over there. Bang your head with it. Okay, now, you're a performance artist!
LPGA'S DAVIES DENIES WOODS AFFAIR Boca Baton, FL -- LPGA legend Laura Davies denied vehemently the recent charges that she is a "homewrecker" after recent reports surfaced that she's been carrying on a long-term affair with golfer Tiger Woods. Woods was injured in a car accident on Friday morning in front of his house and was later released from the hospital with minor injuries. Details of the accident remain sketchy but that doesn't stop anyone from making things up and the best anyone can figure is that Woods' wife, Elin, finally tired of his "playing a round" with Davies and threw him out of the house. Rumors have circulated on both the men's and women's tour for years that Woods and Davies frequently "play a round" but Woods has insisted that he is perfectly content at home with Elin. However Woods, through semi-consciousness, called the name "Laura' while being worked on in the hospital emergency room. Doctors were initially confused because as one doctor put it, "Immediately we were confused because most of us were staring at Elin's really hot body while stitching his face so who the f*** is Laura?" Afterwards, Wood's facial lacerations was repaired but he will have two nostrils permanently closed due to medical error. Davies refused comment but did hint that she, in the past, may have had feelings for Woods. For years Davies has been accused of ruining several John Daly marriages and it is rumored that she went after Woods as a way to get even with Daly. "She's a homewrecker alright," said Daly, "and let me tell you, she's ruined a few pieces of furniture in my house!" PGA legend Fred Funk commented, "Look, it's common knowledge that every guy is trying to score with Laura Davies, it's just that Tiger was lucky and got caught." After the incident, Woods' agent announced that there would be a press conference this week to clear the air and Woods' reiterated a famous quote, "I did not have sex with that woman (Davies)."
Davies has also been linked romantically to Fuzzy Zoeller, Craig Stadler, and William "Refrigerator" Perry. BOISE STATE MAKES LAST DITCH ATTEMPT AT BCS BID Boise, ID -- The Boise State Broncos pulled out all stops this week in their attempt at influencing the BCS Championship voters. Boise State, who has repeatedly fielded successful undefeated football teams, has been shut out of BCS games because of their affiliation with a non-BCS conference. However, that may well change this year after school officials wowed BCS committee members with "an offer they can't refuse." Two Boise State cheerleaders Mandy and Mindy have agreed to sacrifice themselves for the good of the school's football program. BCS members were offered a spend a free all-expense paid weekend in Boise with Mandy and Mindy as their hosts. "We've got a lot of homework to do but we'll still have time to show the committee members a good time in Boise!" they guaranteed. One BCS voter said, "I think what people have to remember about the BCS system is that although it's not perfect, it's given schools like Boise State the chance to be creative." He added, "My favorite movie is 'Wild Things' with Matt Dillon so rest assure, I'm taking my movie camera to Boise." Boise State AD Frank Frankly expressed great admiration for Mandy and Mindy saying, "It's not everyday that you can serve your school in this unique three way proposition and all of Boise salutes them as the heroes that they are...and that Mandy, she's ferocious!"
Not one, BCS members, but two! PETA SHOWS UP IN GEORGIA WITH NEW DAWG Athens, GA -- PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) has petitioned the University of Georgia to replace their bulldog mascot UGA VII with a metallic robot dog. Desiree Acholla of PETA, suggested that the school replaced the real bulldog with a animatronic animal or use a person dressed as a bulldog as the mascot. "Dressing up a real bulldog to be a bulldog humiliates the animal and is cruel," she said yesterday. UGA I, II, III, IV, V, VI, and VII have carried the mascot torch for over 85 seasons which is 585 dog years and according to Georgia officials never even whimpered about the job. However several PETA members disclosed that the dogs are castrated at birth, "so they won't hump any cheerleader legs on the sidelines." One unnamed University official denied the castration allegation saying, "We treat the dog mascots better than our own families and they are free to hump whoever they want!" Many members of the University community have asked Acholla, "Don't you have anything better to do with your time then to bother us with this mascot bullshit?" Acholla replied, "That's a question I get often, along with, 'don't you have a real job or something?'" She further explained, "This may sound strange but I am one of those people who seriously, doesn't have anything better to do...I've searched and searched for some better to do but I have not been able to find it." Georgia fans recommended several million things that Acholla could do rather than "bother us with this dog bullshit, but she insists she's tried every activity known to man and "PETA bullshit was the only thing left to do." Acholla said, "After I scoured the bathrooms, mopped the kitchen floor, watched all of the Seinfeld reruns, I asked myself, 'Desiree, why not go down to Athens and try talking them into a robot dawg.'" After some discussions with the Georgia folks, Desiree agreed that, "You know I could let the doggie hump my leg...that would surely be something new to do."
And if you really can't find anything else to do, there's always... GIANTS' COUGHLIN STALKED BY EX-COACH New York, NY -- A mentally deranged man was arrested yesterday for stalking New York Giants head coach Tom Coughlin and sending him threatening emails. Police say that Coughlin began receiving letters from the man, who promised to expose Coughlin's affair and sexual tryst with two women. The man demanded no money from Coughlin but did want to be installed as the Giants defensive coordinator. Police identified the stalker as James Fassel, the one-time coach of the Giants who now coaches in some new lame pro football UFL league. Investigators described Fassel as "out of his f***ing mind but has some pretty good schemes that might help the Giants reach the Super Bowl." Speaking through his attorney, Fassel said, "I just want to coach again in the NFL because I got really screwed by the Giants and ask yourself, wouldn't you be out of your mind if you were replaced by Tom Coughlin?" Fassel added, "And to think that he's having a three-way at 63-years-old just boils my f***ing blood." Coughlin speaking at a press conference admitted, "Look, chicks dig me, it's that simple." He explained that, "Believe it or not, lots of women really get turned on by my authoritarian demeanor and let me tell you, I am as shocked as you are." Former Giants Hall of Famer Lawrence Taylor said, "I've known for a long time that Tom Coughlin is the quintessential 'booty man,' and there's nothing I enjoy more than he and I getting together, doing some blow and getting down with some funk." Police say that Fassel will most likely be released and be permitted to return to his UFL coaching stint because, "That's punishment enough."
Criminologists say that most deranged stalkers share UFL experience as a common thread. BCS HIRES FORMER BUSH AIDE, FLEISCHER Washington, DC -- The college football Bowl Championship Series (BCS) has hired a former White House Press Secretary to spruce up it's image. The BCS, an organization that combines computer data ,Latin American political polls, and lots of Haitian voodoo to determine the college national champion, is wildly unpopular among college football fans. In an effort to reverse that feeling the BCS has called on Ari Fleischer, who worked under President Bush's administration. "There's a lot of similarities between the BCS and President Bush," said Fleischer, "so basically I'm trying to sell the same product." Fleischer commented, "Both Bush and the BCS make no sense and both represent just how stupid this country is but if you spend enough money, you can convince everyone that there are weapons of mass destruction at Boise State so they shouldn't get a BCS bid." Fleischer agreed that the BCS system, "sucks the big one and we really need a college playoff system but I've got a chance to pocket about $2 mil so I really think a USC-Michigan matchup would be interesting." On his first day on the job, Fleischer hired Bush and former Vice-President Dick Cheney, "just to help around the office." "IF people think the BCS is bad, they'll really appreciate how good it was before I took over," he said explaining his rationale. Immeidately, Fleischer announced that Halliburton would be awarded the entire college football concessions business and "Cheney will be in charge of mobilizing burgers and dogs and GW will do condiments." Halliburton's stock was up $8 per share on the news. Cheney said that Notre Dame football coach Charlie Weis is a danger to US security interests and "must be removed or sexually abused by US security forces." Fleischer believes that, "if we spend about $3 trillion dollars of money we borrow from China, we can fix this f***ing BCS thing and I believe in two years we can be completely out of Iraq and have a legitimate National Champion.
Fleischer said, "Go 'Horns against the Tide and f*** TCU and Cincinnati!!" SNOWBOARDER GETS HER OWN ICE CREAM FLAVOR Rutland, VT -- Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream announced that they will produce a new flavor inspired by Olympic gold medal snowboarder Hannah Teter. The ice cream called "Maple Blondie" is a delicious maple flavor with chocolate brownie chunks and a caramel swirl. The new product will be available in stores by Christmas Day, just in case you're some kind of whack job who might give ice cream as a present. Teter, a Vermont native, said she has never had any Ben and Jerry's ice cream because "it's too f***ing expensive." She explained, "You get this little tiny cup of ice cream for about five bucks with all these stupid names like Cherry Garcia and Grateful Spread and truthfully, have you ever taken a look at Ben and Jerry? That'll take away your f***ing appetite for ice cream." A portion of the proceeds from sale of the ice cream will go to Teter's foundation, "Hannah's Gold," which is quite possibly a front for her pot farm. Teter insists that all of the money raised goes right to development programs in Africa. "Honestly, I want to teach all Africans to snowboard because it snows so much there and there's not much to do but hunt lions and snowboarding is a lot safer than hunting lions," she added. Teter is hoping that her other endorsement contracts start rolling in. "I want people to know, Hannah Teter is for sale," she insists. She suggested that, "Hey, I could be a spokesperson Idaho farmers, you know maybe an ad campaign for 'Hannah's Teters'?"
Ore-Ida! Pass the Teter Tots! WEIS HOLED UP IN OFFICE South Bend, IN -- Notre Dame football coach Charlie Weis has locked himself in his office and has taken several players hostage and says he refuses to leave his position as head coach of the Irish. Notre Dame lost yesterday to Connecticut is another ugly finish which has become Weis' signature for the program. Fans and school personnel immediately tried to capture Weis after the game where they planned to hold a public torture. However, Weis seeing the scaffold built for his hanging, managed to sneak back to his office where he says he will stay until "the end of my 10 year contract or maybe we can talk about renewing it until 2025." "We plan to take Charlie dead or alive," said campus Public Safety director Terrence Hanratty. The Indiana National Guard was called in last night, as well as several crackerjack SWAT teams. Communications between Weis and law enforcement were opened about 7pm last evening but the standoff continued throughout the night. In addition, Weis is holding several players including QB Jimmy Clausen, against their will, and threatened to have them come back for another season. Police are worried that Weis could stayed holed up in the office indefinitely. "We thought about starving him out but then we realized that he could probably live off his fat for at least a year or two," said Detective James Seymour. Weis is not considered armed but police say, "He is still extremely dangerous." "You have to think that any more time spent with Weis could seriously harm any player near him, especially Clausen," said ESPN draft analyst Mel Kiper Jr. Police are debating their options on how to end the standoff. "Do we rush the place, kill everyone involved, or do we allow him to walk out, coach again and lose to Navy for a third straight time," asked Hanratty. "I have to believe that sacrificing the lives of a few for the happiness of thousands is a price worth paying," he added.
Police estimate that Weis' has enough calories to wait them out for the remaining 5 years of his contract. PAKISTANI CRICKETER SLIMS DOWN WITH LIPOSUCTION Islamabad, Pakistan -- One of the world's most feared bowlers in all of cricket will not be able to play a match for at least five months after undergoing secret liposuction to reduced his waistline. Shoaib Akhtar, one of the biggest cricket players in the world and a huge draw in his native country, received a large backlash from the Pakistan Sports Board. The portly bowler was unhappy with his bulging waistline and his inability to "get chicks" and decided to have Dr. Waqar Ahmad perform the liposuction. Liposuction is a procedure where the doctor takes a vacuum cleaner, turns it on full blast, and sucks a tub of fat right out of you. Ahmad said after the operation, "Let me tell you, sucking fat out of people for 8 hours a day really gets old...I should have listened to my mother and stayed with ballet." Ahmad made a plug for his plastic surgery practice with his famous Pakistani tagline, "Don't get All-Mad because you're a big, fat slob, when you can come to Ah-Mad and get sucked slim!" Ahmad announced that his dream is to franchise liposuction centers throughout Pakistan under the name, "Tali-buns." "I think it's catchy and it's only a matter of time till it catches on," he enthusiastically smiled. After the surgery, Akhtar who lost 55 lbs. and had his pants fall down around his ankles said, "Oh shit, I guess I'm going to have buy a whole new wardrobe." However, Pakistan's sports governing body, balked when Akhtar had the bill for the surgery sent to them. "Liposuction is an elective, cosmetic procedure and has nothing to do with playing cricket for his country and we can't believe this asshole has sent us the bill...you want to lose weight? Strap some dynamite to your ass and detonate!" Akhtar defended himself saying, "I'm a cricket bowler, I'm fat, I'm unhappy, I don't feel good about myself or my life choices, please, just pay the f***ing bill."
That "Tali-Buns" idea could really take off! KANSAS COACH MANGINO, "PLEASE SOMEONE, LOVE ME?" Lawrence, KS -- Kansas Jayhawks football coach went public yesterday defending allegations from former players that he has verbally abused and inappropriately touched team members for the past several years. Kansas, a preseason BCS favorite, has stumbled this year but Mangino said, "I still have a lot of fun being around young men...wait a second! Are the charges that I inappropriately touched team members or I touched team members' members? Because that's totally two different things." Players have accused Mangino of racist, hurtful speech where he promised to send several players back to the "ghetto where you can get shot by your homies." Mangino denies everything except, "that I have a weakness for 'mallomars.'" "People say awful and hurtful things to me all the time and sometimes I just go to my room and cry my eyes out and I'm telling you it's usually those crack ho's and gangstas who are the worst," explained Mangino. "Look, I'm a big, lovable guy, can people see the real me under this 400 lb. football genius?" Mangino went on to say how he seeks to build a "football family at KU where I'm the really fun uncle that comes over with lots of presents but isn't married and family members wonder if there's something wrong because I spend lots of spare time with young children yet those same family members would never let me babysit their children." Current players agree that Mangino's bark is louder than his bite. "Coach Mangino can yell at you one minute for dropping a pass and then put his arms around you and give you a big, opened mouth kiss the next minute," said wide receiver Dickie Simons. "After practice Coach always comes in the shower and encourages us to be the best football players we can be while at the same time soaping up those hard to reach parts of our backs," added Simons. "Look, I just want someone to love me," said Mangino, "because I'm a person first, and a loud mouth racist bully second."
Mangino seeks to encourage a shower room where players "have each other's backs." PONTIAC SILVERDOME TO HOST NEW TRACTOR PULL LEAGUE Pontiac, MI -- The Pontiac Silverdome, former home of the Detroit Lions, was sold yesterday at auction fetching the hefty price of $583,000. A group of Amish investors bought the stadium and announced that they will use it as the home for the newly formed AATPL (The All Amish Tractor Pull League). Nathan Stolzfus, the founder of the AATPL, said that he and his fellow Amish investors were thrilled to get such a venue as the Silverdome for such a bargain price. "We shopped around and found out to build our own tractor pull stadium would cost about $1.5 billion and truthfully that's just too f***ing much for a stadium," said Stolzfus. He added, "We Amish don't usually curse, except if we overpay because we are f***ing cheap!" Tractor pulling is a competition that pits two tractors pulling a heavy sled over a 30 ft. track and it is very popular in rural areas. It initially started in the middle 1800's with farmers challenging each other to see who had the strongest horse. Farmers would brag about who had the strongest horse and then they started this stupid competition where two horses would pull two wagons side by side loaded with hay and a ton of other shit. It was the 1800's and they didn't have satellite dishes so there was little else to do except maybe read by candlelight or schnup the town librarian. "We think Detroit is the perfect place for tractor pulling," said Stolzfus. "It's like the 1800's all over again...there's nothing to do so why not go down to the Silverdome and watch some Amish tractor pulling?" he asked. Detroit, hard hit by the recession, has currently the highest unemployment and foreclosure rate in the country. "People there need Amish tractor pulling to lift their spirits because when you see Amish pulling tractors you say to yourself, 'Things may be bad for me but on the flip side, I could be an Amish tractor puller.'" Pontiac mayor Chet Brinkley said, "We built the thing for $55 million and sold it for $583,000 and now we've got professional tractor pulling...I think the citizens of Pontiac can see that American free market capitalism is alive and working for them!"
And another thing...there's a ton of really hot women that flock to Amish Tractor Pulling so get ready Pontiac! INJURED SOCCER PLAYER HAS DATE WITH PLACENTA Belgrade, Serbia -- Liverpool Arsenal's striker Robin van Persie arrived in Belgrade today for the sole purpose of having horse placenta rubbed on his injured ankle. The Dutch soccer star will have a Serbian housewife named Mariana Kovacevic massage his foot and ankle with the bloodied placenta much like she did for his friend and former teammate Danzo Lazovic. Lazovic injured his ankle and was supposed to miss six weeks of the soccer season only to return after just one placenta rub. van Persie is hoping that the trip to Serbia is worth it. Placenta rubbing has long been a staple of the Serbian economy and people from all over the globe flock to Serbia to have their bodies rubbed with horse placenta. "It tastes like chicken," said van Persie, who sampled some before trying the treatment. "It sits on a Ritz like nothing else," said the Dutchman. Placenta is very versatile aside from nourishing the horse that lived off it for it's gestation. "Not only good on the body," said Kovacevic, "wonderful in soups and salads." "And I let males in on little secret," she continued, "you rub little on palm of hand, mabye touch self many times, whoa, you wonder why everyone flock to Serbia?" Kovacevic, known to Serbs as Madame P, said that for "an extra 100 US dollar I rub entire body with horse shit make you feel like million Serbian dinars (equivalent to 3 cents), you never want to go home to dull American wife again, promise." van Persie added, "I got two choices, play soccer, or get rubdown by Mariana...come on, what would you do?"
Slap a little Ragu on it, put it over some pasta and you've got yourself a budget stretcher. GEORGIA HIGH SCHOOL OUTLAWS MAN BOOBS Backwoods, GA -- A high school principal forbid the high school yearbook staff to use pictures in the book that show bare chested males playing basketball. At Chattanooga High School, where sideline cheerleaders hold up cheering signs with bible verses, Dr. Lester Mattox explained that his decision was based on safeguarding the public interest. "A lot of people are going to say that I'm a prude or worst I'm a gay prude but the truth is, I can't take looking at man titties," he said. "Really, of all the sights known to man, the sight of overdeveloped male breasts is the most disgusting," he added. Gynecomastia or male boobs is a conditiion that affects millions of men and is characterized by large, dropping breasts, boobs, tits, knockers, cupcakes, dumplings, funbags, Fred and Ethels, mellons, hubcaps, rib bumpers, honkers, mounds, num-nums, tatas, or shabbados, that hangs much like a normal hanging boob you would see on just about any woman at the mall. Mattox took box cutters and removed all of the pictures of shirtless boys playing basketball that appeared in the yearbook and said, "Don't worry, I plan to replace them with plenty of shirtless girls and bible passages." For your general knowledge and for casual conversation at parties, it is useful to know that male boobs are not painful condition and can be treated with surgery or hormonal options. If you have large breasts or maybe just one is bigger than the other, or maybe you have a puffy nipple or maybe you have some really big brown areolas AND you are sensitive to the condition, you can feel safe that your picture will never appear bare-breasted in Chattanooga High School yearbook. In addition, you may want to seek treatment from your doctor or plastic surgeon becasue the rest of us don't want to look at you on the beach either. There can be a very positive upside to the male breasts issue. Few people, if any, know that Richard Simmons suffered from male breasts as a child, inspiring him to become a world known fitness guru. On the other hand, many men with large breasts are kidnapped and forced into a life of "wet nursing" for busy working mothers. Either way, get those breasts looked at, will you, please?
Some large breasted men are forced into a life of topless dancing in remote Georgia fundamentalist churches. DOCTORS SHOWS CONCUSSIONS LINK Readnik, AL -- According to a study released in the New England Journal of Medicine, there is a definite causal link between concussions and erratic behavior later in life. The debate has been raging for several months between former NFL football players and the NFL offices that repeated blows to players' heads results in dementia and other brain disorders after retirement from football. The NFL is trying to dodge the bad press by telling the players, "Come on you pussies, we bought really nice helmets." But former brain damaged players like Mike Ditka have been outspoken in their criticism of the league's denial. Former players want money put aside by the league for research into brain transplantation. Ditka said, "Like if I got Dr. Phil's brain I could have my own television show." Ditka believes that brain transplants are the way to go because, he asked, "What other way to go is there if your brain is mush and like you start to jumble umble tumble lumble wumble..." Doctors at the Harvard Medical Center back up Ditka's claim. Dr. Ian Forgetti explained, "Repeated concussive blows to the head make old, stupid guys more old and stupid." He added, "It's hard to believe I graduated from Harvard after that last statement, isn't it?" But he did say that "we've looked at some of these old football players and clearly after they hang up their spikes, they hang up their IQ too." The study looked at several players who played in the NFL in the 1970's and doctors found that most of the players believed Kansas City and Tampa Bay would play for this year's Super Bowl Championship. 85% of the participants described Al Davis as "that really good looking Raiders' owner." 92% responded they were still hot for former sideline reporter Jayne Kennedy. "Clearly these old bastards don't know where the hell they are," said Forgetti, "but seriously Al Davis was very happy with this study."
Doctors cited former lineman Fuzzy Muoller as proof positive that concussions affect players later in life. WAC HIRES PR FIRM TO HELP BOISE STATE IN BCS BID Boise, ID -- The Western Athletic Conference has hired a high profile public relations firm to insure that undefeated Boise State gets a BCS bowl nod. Since Boise is in Idaho and away from major television and media outlets, the team lags in the public attention needed for the BCS committee to take notice. The perception is that Boise State is undefeated because they only play teams that get lost in Idaho on their way to California. One BCS voter asked, "Who would go to Boise unless you were lost?" However, the WAC wants everyone to know that Boise is a great place with a great football team and deserves a shot at the National Championship. The firm, Scott Peyron and Associates have embarked on a national campaign, whose message is, "Boise, we're more than pototoes!" "We just think it's one of the most creative concepts we've ever come up with," said Peyron. "You see since most people think of potato when they think of Idaho, we're saying we're more than that...like our 9-0 Bronco football team and seriously, we want those BCS folks to know, they're are lots of hot women in Boise." Another BCS voter said the campaign was already working. "It always seemed like a gay mecca to me, you know the whole Boy-Zee thing but hey, if I can get laid in Boise, they've got my vote," he said. Peyron expressed great optimism that, "public relations campaigns really work." He commented, "Lots of people ask why would you hire a PR firm, spend millions of dollars on an ad campaign for a football team to go to the National Championship?...and I say that we kill off all of those people." Disgraced Idaho politician Rep. Larry Craig said nothing but did give several hand signals under a bathroom stall saying, "Boise is a great place for something really weird, if you're so inclined."
Part of the PR strategy was to upgrade the Boise State cheerleading outfits. Still thinking potatoes? LEBRON DECLARES HE WILL CHANGE HIS NUMBER Cleveland, OH -- Cleveland Cavaliers forward Lebron James announced yesterday that he is going to change his number from "23 to somun el." James interviewed by Craig Sager said that he's been thinking of changing his number for sometime because, "the other day I woke up and I realized that I'm number 23 and who's the most famous person wearing number 23? Me. And it ain't right that I should be wearing the same number as the greatest person in the NBA to ever wear 23 so I'm gonna change it." At the present, James said he would take suggestions from the fans but he added, "Don't say I should take #'s 76 and 77 cause they the other best dudes to ever play the game." James was referring of course to Shawn Bradley and Georges Mureson, two of the NBA's most legendary players. James paid homage to both former NBA stars by saying, "I couldn't deserve to be like in those two uniforms cause they old and they smelly and those dudes don't play on my team so why the f*** would I wear their numbers?" Mureson and Bradley both said they were honored that James commented that no player should ever wear 76 or 77 "out of respect" for these two giants. James emphasized that "Big, tall, slow, uncoordinated white guys owe a debt of gratitude to these two guys for paving the way for big, tall, slow, uncoordinated white guys."
While we're retiring 76 and 77, how about Eric Montross or Wil Perdue, super slow white guys? CHICAGO SENDS GROSSMAN AN APOLOGY Chicago, IL -- The city of Chicago's mayor Richard Daley sent former Bears' quarterback Rex Grossman a long "We're sorry" note signed by five million Chicago fans. The note postmarked this morning weighs over 20 lbs. and was sent this morning via a private courier. "We all signed it," said Daley, "and truthfully Rex, we are sorry." "IF Rex would reconsider coming back to Chicago from Texas we promise we won't complain or snicker at his 10 yd. passes that squibble out of his hand and usually don't make it past the line of scrimmage." The turnaround of feeling for Grossman may have something to do with the lackluster performance of the off-season trade for a new franchise quarterback, Jay Cutler. The letter states, "Really Rex, we thought Cutler was a savior but we were oh soooo wrong." Daley begs Grossman, Kyle Orton, Jim McMahon, Erik Kramer, and Sonny Wade to reconsider coming back to the Bears. Grossman read the letter through tears and said, "I always knew they'd coming running back to me." "It's so easy to fall in love with someone else when you're in a committed relationship but the lesson is, the grass isn't greener on the other side." "I don't think I could go back," said Grossman. He added, "I might be able to forgive but I could never forget," he added. "When someone hurts you as bad as I was, you're whole existence is invalidated," he continued, "and I've pieced a meager life back together again in Texas." Now the backup for the Houston Texans, Grossman said that although he's the number three backup and that they'll never risk a game by inserting him in one, he has recaptured some of the self- worth that was destroyed in Chicago. "We were wrong!" said Daley. "It was just horniness that drove us to go after Cutler," he tells Grossman, "horniness for a couple of wins...it's an urge we can't control." "Rex, please, please come back!" the note signed by every Chicago fan closes.
Grossman said that with some therapy and some bimbos, "I'm in a better place now." PELOSI TO FIGHT DALAI LAMA Las Vegas, NV -- House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Tibet's Dalai Lama will square up in this years' 2009 Celebrity Boxing Title to be televised on E!. Celebrity boxing was made popular by Fox after it's inaguaral 2002 season when former Bill Clinton squeeze Paula Jones was dropped by skating bad girl Tonya Harding. Pelosi, a nobody Californian congresswoman in 2002, had a secret dream that one day, "I would be a celebrity boxer like Danny Bonaduce or Barry Williams or Todd Bridges." Pelosi recently got her wish when several hundred Republicans offered to knock her out for free. "I'd love to get Nancy Pelosi in the ring," said former Vice President Dick Cheney, "in fact I'd love to get her to go quail hunting with me." The powerful Democrat said she initially took up boxing to "get in shape and to defend myself because for some reason it seems like everyone wants to punch me out...hey I'm just misunderstood." Television executives thought that a Pelosi-Dalai Lama matchup would bring fireworks ratings and because frankly, "We're sick and tired of that f***ing Playboy girls next door show!" The match is set for January and at yesterday's weigh in, the Dalai Lama, himself expressed great enthusiasm for "punching the living shit out of Nancy Pelosi." "I'm all about world peace," said the fiery Nobel Peace Prize winner, "until it comes to Pelosi and then all bets are off...I hate the bitch pure and simple." Pelosi promises that, "I'm in the best shape of my life and let's face it, the guy hasn't had a formidable opponent since Chairman Mao." "Look, don't get me wrong," said Pelosi, "I respect the Lama, he's a tough old bastard but I don't buy a guy wrapped up in a red blanket and sandals...when the bell goes off, I'm just a crazy Italian bitch who will rip his Tibetan guts out!"
Pelosi and the Lama at yesterday's weigh-in. "His breath could knock me out before the fight starts," said Pelosi. AGASSI HAIR TURNS UP IN FLORIDA Nipples, FL -- The missing locks of Andre Agassi that were lost in 1996 have been located in a small south Florida community. Agassi, who recently explained in his tell-all book, "Open," that for years he wore a hairpiece of long flowing locks to cover up his thinning hair. "Don't forget I had a major commercial gig with Canon and I was dating Brooke Shields and neither one would have given the time of day to bald Andre." He goes on further to explain that during several tournaments he had to use over 200 bobbi-pins to hold a long flowing wig on his head and still play tennis. At the 1996 French Open, Agassi reported his hair missing. "It was a extremely traumatic experience," he writes. "I was very attached to the hair and most of the time it was attached to me so it was like losing a child," he continues pouring out his heart. Yesterday, after 13 years of dogged police work, investigators located the hair on a tip from a Florida resident. Police tracked the missing hair to the home of part-time security guard and porn star wannabe, Lance Havenmoore. Havenmoore was taken into custody immediately and it still remains to be seen what exactly he'll be charged with. Upon learning of the arrest, Agassi said, "I just want my hair back, that's all." Havenmoore denies knowing that the hair belonged to Agassi. "I was in Paris on vacation, there was a large lump of hair sitting on the sidewalk and I just assumed that a Parisian woman just shaved her armpits," he told police. Police said they would check out Havenmoore's alibi but one detective said, "We're pretty damn sure that Parisian women never shave their armpits." Agassi was able to take the hair home, comb it for hours, and then put back on his head. "If only Brooke could see me now," he lamented. "But the important thing is, after all these years, we're back together," he rejoiced.
Havenmoore not only wore Agassi's hair on his head, but police also recovered the missing chest hair of Celine Dion. OPRAH SUES NFL TEAMS OVER TRADEMARK INFRINGEMENT Chicago, IL -- Talk show maven and extraterrestrial legend Oprah Winfrey is going after several NFL owners in lawsuit citing that several teams have stolen her catch phrase, "I'm having an A-Ha Moment!" Winfrey, who often uses "aha moment" on her show, recently settled with the Mutual of Omaha Company for their use of the slogan in an advertising campaign. "I own it," she insisted, "and I'm Oprah, so get the f*** out of my way." Several NFL owners recently said publicly that they too, had an "A-Ha moment," in particular Al Davis and Randy Lerner. Davis, owner of the Oakland Raiders said on Sunday after another Raiders loss, "A-Ha my team sucks." Lerner almost simultaneously commented after another Cleveland Browns touchdownless loss, "A-Ha I f*** up hiring Eric Mangini." In addition the owners of the Kansas City Chiefs and Detroit Lions has similar "A-Ha we couldn't win in the Lingerie Bowl." Oprah was very clear in her instructions to the owners, "You want to use 'a-ha', pay me you assholes!" Lawyers for both sides vowed that would fight this all the way up to the Supreme Court because as one attorney put it, "In this economy, you take what you can get." In addition, Winfrey claims she owns the rights to "By Golly," "Gee Willikers," "Holy Cow," and "It's Not Rocket Science." Phraseologist Keith Jackson said, "Whoa Nelly," and then quickly asked, "Can I say that or do I have to call Oprah?" Pope Benedict said in a Mass, "Jesus H. Christ," but then caught himself and said, "Better check with Oprah." Oprah said to her adoring public, "I'm cracking down on this whole freedom of speech bullshit because I can, I'm Oprah!"
"A-Ha, am I a shitty driver or what?" Better check with Oprah! STUDY LINKS COMPRESSION GEAR AND PENIS SIZE Buffalo, NY -- The ubiquitous use of compression gear clothing in sports may or may not have long term consequences on penis size according to a recent study at the Center for Advanced Gadgetry. The study followed two-hundred fairly well-endowed males for a period of two years as they wore compression type spandex gear while performing routine activities like running, swimming, and dressing in their wives' clothing. Dr. Luke Longley followed these men throughout the study explaining, "Try following 200 hundred men for two years, and not one of them ever went to the same place...I'm f***ing exhausted." Longley hypothesized that if men continually wore tight fitting spandex shorts for a prolonged period of time that penal blood flow would be "severely compromised" and therefore resulting in a noticeable penile reduction or quite possibly addition. Reporting his results yesterday to the 33rd annual meeting of the Society of Longfellows, Longley said, "72.7% of the men surveyed reported that they had lost at least 6 inches in length after wearing the tight fitting pants." He added, "OF course we know these guys are totally full of shit but nonetheless, and this is not a significant finding." 12.3% of the men reported that they've lost at least one-half their previous size after wearing the clothing which Longley laughed at saying, "These were guys used LSD in the 60's and still experience frequent hallucinations." Long time spandex wearer Richard Simmons, who did not participate in the study but did comment, "I don't know if compression gear makes me longer or shorter but who cares, it just makes me run around and scream, 'I feel wonderful!'" Longley said, "I'm not sure if the results really say much scientifically but compression gear has a lot of potential to let an awful lot of guys off the hook."
Whoa, Nelly! In statistical verbiage, this guy is referred to as an "outlier." TROY POLAMALU CONFESSES: "I LIKE CHEERLEADING!" Pittsburgh, PA -- Since sitting out on the disabled list, Pittsburgh Steelers defensive back Troy Polamalu has been doing more than rehabilitation. Rumors abound saying that the feared tackler is in the middle of the long process of changing from a man to a woman. Polamalu, with his long wavy locks, confessed on Sunday that, "ever since I can remember I wanted to be a woman and sitting out of games for a few weeks made me realize I'd rather be cheerleading than covering a pass over the middle." Polamalu isn't quite sure if he'll complete the process but said he's just enjoying "having a foot in both worlds." According to experts, transgendering or changing sexes is very common, particularly in the NFL. Commissioner Roger Goodall said "we've probably got about a 100 guys that used to be women so when you hear something like, 'hey, that's guys a pussy,' they really mean it." Goodall pointed to the fact that several players, who recently wore pink gloves in support of breast cancer research, were wearing pink panties too, "and loving every minute of it." Terrell Owens explained, "Lots of people think I'm an asshole because I f*** up every team I'm on, but underneath I'm just a bitchy woman who wants her way." Linebacker Ray Lewis commented, "There is one thing for sure, if I was a woman, I'd be ugly." Polamalu explained that he would continue playing as Troy during the day but "at night I'll play as Tonya." He said that his teammates have been incredibly supportive and some have gone as far as "giving me their wives' underwear which is very gratifying." Coach Mike Tomlin said, "Troy...Tonya can hit like a freight train one minute and shake that fine ass the next."
Polamalu hopes one day that, "people will embrace me as a full member of the Steelers' cheerleading squad." LARRY JOHNSON MAKES SLURRED WORDS DEFENSE Kansas City, MO -- The entire Kansas City gay community marched yesterday in support of Chiefs' running back Larry Johnson, who has been suspended by the NFL for gay slurs. Johnson defended himself against the charges by saying, "I caaaaaaa heeeeeeeel myyyyyy...I slurrrrrrr wrrrrrrr." Supporters of Johnson say that, "you can't get mad at a guy who slurs his words and truthfully, who doesn't slur some words every once in awhile?" Johnson added, "Grrrrrrr and brrrrrr and hrrrrrrr." Gay activist Wally McTongue jokingly asked, "What do you call a Chiefs running back who likes little boys? Priest." McTongue encouraged everyone, "To lighten up because if we don't make mean jokes about everyone, we just becoming too f***ing sensitive and boring." With that McTongue asked, "What do a 50 government workers and 50 lesbians have in common?...They don't do dick." McTongue, doubled over in laughter, said, "You see I'm a gay government worker and I think that's a great joke." "OR how about the classic why did the Greek boy leave home...cause he didn't like the way he was being reared," he said rolling on the floor. Larry Johnson slurred but no one could understand him but observers think he said, "How about that homosexual electron that went around blowing fuses?" McTongue slapped Johnson on the back saying, "Wow, I hadn't heard that one but seriously folks, let's get Larry back on the field or else the Chiefs will be playing in the UFL next year." Johnson again slurred that he was grateful for the support of the gay community and promised that from now on whenever he writes a letter, he's going to put it in a male box.
Kansas City gay men lobby for Larry Johnson's return slurring "Lrrrrrrrrr!"
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and help maintain the status quo. This type of
humor only
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DEAD END
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In
performance art, anyone that's ever been born, and
we mean like since Adam and Eve, is a performance
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