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December 2005 BUFFALO BILLS MOULDS SHOVELS SNOW DURING SUSPENSION Buffalo--The Buffalo Bills suspended wide receiver Eric Moulds for conduct detrimental to the team. Bills coach Mike Mularkey said, "He always makes fun of my name. Like he always says things like, 'that's a bunch of Mularkey.' And I just can't have that kind of disrespect on my team." It is estimated that Moulds lost approximately $948,000 because of the suspension. Moulds commented, "That ain't that much money, I can make that shoveling snow in one afternoon in Buffalo." Moulds agent Drew Rosenhaus explained that, "Eric has a really good snow shoveling business and he doesn't need the $948,000. He gets $330,000 for a 40ft. driveway so if he does three driveways in an afternoon, he's way ahead of the Bills." Moulds added, "So I might have to hustle a bit shoveling but it's better than a bunch of Mularkey."
RANDOM DRUG TESTING INTERRUPTS NBA GAME Atlanta--Drug testing, during the middle of a game, forced the Atlanta Hawks and the Toronto Raptors to play with two players each for the second half of the game. NBA drug czar Jack Needles explained, "We have a random drug testing policy which means we just test whenever we feel like it. Well after watching the first half, we felt the game was so bad that the players must be on drugs. So we tested." Unfortunately for fans the testing kept the players in the locker rooms for several hours. Only four players tested negative, three Raptor players and one Hawk. In reality, only one player tested negative along with two ball boys and a halftime dancer. The four played a spirited game of two-on-two. Atltanta GM E.R. Vroom commented, "Our fans pay good money to see good basketball and I'll tell you, that was one of the best two-on-two games that I've ever seen." Hawks fan Bubby Blister added, "Watching the Hawks under the influence of drugs is as close as I've ever gotten to a real basketball game."
STOCKBROKER WHO SWINDLED SPREWELL , CHOKED TO DEATH New York-- A stockbroker, who swindled NBA star Latrell Sprewell and other celebrities out of millions of dollars, was choked to death in front of an approving court and judge. Calvin Darden apologized to Sprewell and the court of celebrities. "I'm really sorry I became a stockbroker. Swindling is part of the business and stealing from innocent clients is a time honored practice of the profession," said the contrite Darden. He added, "Nothing personal but where else am I going to get 6.4 million for a yacht?" The judge then requested that Sprewell step forward and "choke the shit out of this asshole." Sprewell obliged and afterwards said, "You know, it felt great to see his eyes bug out and I'm not getting suspended from the NBA for a year." San Antonio Spurs assistant P.J.Carlisimo viewed the Court TV replay and commented, "Latrell can hurt you from beyond the arc or up close."
SPORTSMEN ACCIDENTALLY KILL MEDITATION GROUP Hommah, NJ - A hunting club accidentally shot and wounded several members of a meditation group in the rural town of Hommah, NJ.. Hoomah had been experiencing a severe overpopulation of deer forcing the town council to allow a one day hunt throughout the town. The Hoomah Hunting and Rifle Club began the hunt at 7am. However, someone forgot to tell the Hoomah Yoga Boutique. The Boutique holds it's early morning "Yoga, Meditation, and Communion with Squirrels" Program each day in the town park. One of the Boutique members who was spared in the carnage explained, "We (about twenty of us) were doing our cobra position, which really strengthens the lower back, and we were all chanting our own personal mantra word which really helps you focus, but then people to the left and right just started going down." Police chief Bill Tornbush said, "It's just a damn shame these folks didn't know there was a deer hunt going on or mabye they would have been doing their yoga somewhere else but in the park." Hunter and club president Rummy Sykes defended the hunters saying, "From our scopes they just looked like a herd of deer. If there's a pack of thirty people doing yoga in a park, and you're sitting in a bluff a trees from a distance, you'd think they were deer too." Chief Tornbush added, "Next year we're just gonna have to do a better job getting the word out about the hunt."
NHL PLAYER ASSAULTED BY 101 YEAR OLD WOMAN Edmonton - A 101 year old woman and Edmonton Oilers fan wanted just one thing for her birthday. "I want to run my hands through Ryan Smyth's mullet," said Millie Banilli a resident of the Edmonton Home for Really Old Hockey Fans. "I just want to see him up close, rub my fingers through his hair. I love to watch him skate and bang people into the boards," she added. And Millie got her wish. Smyth came to the home and Millie ran her hands through his hair. Unfortunately, it didn't stop there. The excited and panting Banilli attacked Smythe and took him to the floor. Security wrestled her off of Smythe, who was visibly shaken by the experience. "Sexual harassment is everyone's problem," said the violated Smythe. "People think that sexual overtures by senior citizens to young hockey players is a joke but I'm a survivor and I can tell you, it's no joke." Smythe was escorted from the home and was immediately transported to a crisis center, where he will undergo counseling.
MICHAEL IRVIN TO RIVAL DR. PHIL New York, NY - ESPN announced that Michael Irvin will host a self-help television show which will go head to head in the ratings competition with Dr. Phil McGraw. Irvin was exonerated on charges stemming from being stop with a "crack pipe" because he explained to police that he was an addictions specialist. In a press conference Irvin explained, "I'm a doctor and yes, a recovering crack addict, so I help other crack addicts whenever I can." ESPN immediately saw an opportunity and created the "Dr. Mike" show which will air in the early afternoons in most major markets. ESPN thinks that Irvin's combination of addiction advice with football analysis will destroy Dr. Phil in the ratings. ESPN spokeperson Freda Basa said, "People are going to come to know Michael Irvin in a different light, as a sensitive, caring doctor who can also predict the winners of Sunday's NFL games." In the pilot episode Irvin explains to a crack addicted caller, "The best way to curb your crack habit is to turn your crack and your pipe over to me, and we'll just stash it in my car. And by the way, I think T.O.'s gonna play for the Texans next year."
DONALD RUMSFELD WILL NOT COACH FOR NATIONALS Some wack job told us that Donald Rumsfeld was hired as the hitting coach for the Washington Nationals. It sounds implausible until you start thinking like an intelligence officer. Wouldn't baseball be a perfect place for a double agent? And where are those weapons of mass destruction? Could they be smuggled in the stadium disguised as Louisville sluggers? And what about these players with the beards? Are they operating in some sort of baseball terrorist cell? And what about those hot dogs? Are they really all beef or are they using fillers? And what about those fillers? Couldn't someone who hates America put some mad cow or mad pig genes in the hot dogs and make us all walk wobbly like we're mad and take over our entire country ruining the way of life we love so well? Wow, we think we might have been on to something. However, it's not true. Rumsfeld said he has no intention of coaching the Nationals though he did bat .275 for his 1958 Babe Ruth 12 year old team. Sorry about the false alarm. And terrorists take note. We'll be watching the MLB very carefully this year! BRIAN BILLICK DID NOT TRY TO PASS HIMSELF OFF AS BRIAN BILLICHICK Several Baltimore readers notified us that Ravens coach Brian Billick was going around town trying to pass himself off as Brian Billichick. Evidently, Billick was claiming he had led the Patriots to several Super Bowl championships and deserved a huge salary increase. He even went as far to claim, "Hey, I discovered Tom Brady, didn't I?" We checked it out. Unfortunately after we printed the story. Billick denied the whole thing. He then cursed at us repeatedly and threatened to sic Ray Lewis on us. Needless to say, we were scared shitless and promised to print an apology. "We're sorry Mr. Billick. You seem like a really nice guy. Even if you come off as a cocky asshole, who just seems to whine and whine about everything from the refs to the stadium toilet paper, we know that underneath it all, you're a swell fella." There, how's that? TERRY BRADSHAW DID NOT THREATEN JILLIAN BARBERIE WITH DISEMBOWELMENT Someone called our offices a few months back and told us of an incident between Fox broadcasters Terry Bradshaw and Jillian Barberie. The incident stemmed from Bradshaw's continued annoyance with Barberie's constant clearing of a mucousal phlegm from her throat. Though one of TV's sexiest on camera talents, insiders report that Barberie is full of snot and regularly coughs up a big "lugie" and let's it fly on the set. Bradshaw apparently stepped in the Barbarie's expectorant with a $500 pair of Italian loafers. The ex-Steeler quarterback had had enough and threaten to carve out Barbarie's vocal cords with a fine piece of imported cutlery. The someone who called that story in, later retracted it, saying it was Jimmy Johnson's spit that Bradshaw stepped in. We're very sorry Jillian for considering for a moment that you are capable of producing any offensive body fluids. We are certain that a woman of your extreme beauty is devoid of any offensive waste products or odors. Hopefully, this unfortunate event won't have lasting effects on your career. NOMAR GARCIAPARRA WILL NOT STAR IN ADULT FILMS We received some information that Nomar Garciaparra signed with the Los Angeles Dodgers so that he would have closer proximity to the pornographic film industry. Sources close to the situation say that Garciaparra has had a hidden desire for years to leave major league baseball for a career in front of the camera. Supposedly he said confidentially over a beer, "Wow, having sex on camera for money sounds like a really good job. In fact, it sounds better than a 162 game schedule. You know, come July and it's really hot out and you're in a slump and the team's about 21 1/2 games out of first, baseball can really get boring. But having sex in front of a camera doesn't look like it ever gets boring." We found out later that Garciaparra never said this. In fact he likes playing shortstop and he looks forward to a great 2006 season. He has no plans to take off his clothes and engage in wild, fantasy driven sex with Jenna Jamison. So the story is retracted but we're pretty sure that if Nomar does want to switch careers, it is in the realm of possibility. Our research shows that just on name recognition alone, he could move a few DVD's with a Garciaparra-Jamison combo and some really cheesy title like, "Playing Deep and Center." MIKE TYSON JOINS CANNIBALISTIC TRIBE AND EATS SEVEN PEOPLE AT SUNDAY BRUNCH There are times in your life when you make a mistake and no one seems to let you forget it. This is what sort of happened to Mike Tyson antribe of cannibals. The cannibals survived on the remains of plane crash victims and stray anthropology researchers. Tyson and the tribe hit it off and Tyson agreed to prepare a meal consisting of several body parts marinated in tabasco, soy sauce, and carmelized onions served on a bed of garlic fettucine. This report is patently untrue. Again, we got some bad information. We apologize to Mike and the cannibals. We'll do our best in the future to let people make mistakes and move on with their lives. tribe of cannibals. The cannibals survived on the remains of plane crash victims and stray anthropology researchers. Tyson and the tribe hit it off and Tyson agreed to prepare a meal consisting of several body parts marinated in tabasco, soy sauce, and carmelized onions served on a bed of garlic fettucine. This report is patently untrue. Again, we got some bad information. We apologize to Mike and the cannibals. We'll do our best in the future to let people make mistakes and move on with their lives. WOODY ALLEN IS NOT DATING MICHELLE WIE If you follow the LPGA, you're probably interested in the career path of 15 year-old phenom, Michelle Wie. Wie signed a major deal with Nike and we think we might have reported that she was leaving golf to marry actor, director Woody Allen. Someone told us that they saw Allen following Wie at the Playtex Bra and Panties Open in July. Supposedly, Allen made romantic overtures to Wie which enraged Allen's wife Soon-Yi. Soon-Yi and Wie engaged in a physical confrontation that ended when Wie laid out Soon-Yi with a pitching wedge to the right temple. We later found out this didn't happen. The story was relayed to us by a very bitter, Mia Farrow. Unfortunately, our reporter did not know who Mia Farrow was, nor any of Allen's "young Asian woman proclivities." We don't think we actually printed this but we're sorry to all parties for thinking about and colluding with Mia Farrow, who is obviously a woman with lots of issues. And Woody, could you go back to making funny slapstick movies like "Bananas" ? We haven't laughed at your movies for several years now.
OTHER RETRACTIONS OF NOTE We think but we're not absolutely sure that we may have reported that Dennis Rodman choked a prostitute to death with his own manhood and then hid the body in a dead, beached whale. This is not true. We don't think we actually printed that. We're pretty sure that was in someone's dream, somewhere, at some time. But if it did work itself into Jockweb, we just want to say either we got some bad information or we saw it in a movie somewhere. Either way, we're sorry to you Dennis Rodman for even imagining such a horrible scenario. We've always respected you offensive rebounding ability and we like to go on record as saying you should be in the Hall of Fame. Did Michael Jackson really kidnap the U.S Junior Male Gymnastics Team and hold them at his Neverland Ranch for six months, forcing them to wear tight fitting leotards while holding split leg poses on uneven bars while he sang songs from his Beatles catalogue? No. There was no kidnapping. You may have read that here, but we want to emphasize, Michael Jackson has not fondled or entertained thoughts of fondling (we're not entirely sure about this) the U.S. Junior Gymnastic Team. It was just coincidental that several members of the team were drinking beer and wine while reading pornographic magazines on a pint size choo-choo train circling the Neverland property. At some point in time, we may have reported that Terrell Owens contaminated the Eagles locker room water cooler with anthrax. We may have even said that this was Drew Rosenhaus' idea because he will absolutely make no money off of Owens since he couldn't pull off a new contract negotiation. We may have even gone as far as saying the Eagles have contracted with underworld crime boss, Gino Carboniotti, to kill both Owens and Rosenhaus. Unfortunately, none of this is true. We got some bad information and we didn't check it out as thoroughly as we should have. Please understand, we're very busy. We have other commitments and sometimes we cut corners. Now that's not an excuse but we want Terrell and Drew to know, we're sorry about the whole thing. Especially the anthrax thing and all of the Homeland Security people showing up with guns in front of your house. The contract killing thing might have a grain of truth to it, so just be careful. Other than that, we hope we're friends again.
THIS JUST IN FROM AN ALERT JOCKWEB READER...THANKS!*
*Jockweb loves to get contributions from our readers. We hope you are funny, witty, charming, observant, and give us something worthy of our high journalistic standards. Just know that if you do contribute and we get a laugh, we own the laugh. We will not give you any credit whatsoever but we will just self-congratulate ourselves with comments like, "Aren't we funny? Aren't we witty? etc. etc. In the case that it is not funny, we will email your contact information to some kind of fundamentalist sect who will be at your door everyday for the next five years recruiting you for a mass suicide. Like those guys wearing the Nike shoes waiting for the comet? Remember them? There are others just like that in our neighborhood and we're going to tell them about you. So send good, funny shit in! LOOK FOR OUR INVESTIGATIVE SPECIAL: "NBA Toilets - What's Really Going On?" ...a one part series by Jockweb's Investigative Reporter Rudy Complexion COMING SOON BOOZE, BROADS, BARNETT ON HOLD AT COLORADO Boulder, CO - The University of Colorado announced that further allegations of misconduct have surfaced in relation to their already troubled football team. Still under a cloud from a previous recruiting scandal involving alcohol and sex for favored recruits, the school has learned that quite possibly there has been some additional illegal activity. Coach Gary Barnett is in the "hot" seat for the allegedly influencing a grand jury and misusing athletic department funds. Barnett commented on the charges as "bogus" saying, "when you're the head of a corrupt major football program, you're an easy target." Barnett however remained upbeat that he'll weather the storm and return next year as head coach. "Whatever happens, happens, I just want to make sure that the University reimburses me for the strippers." Barnett explained that he submitted receipts for several recruiting parties and the University has yet to reimburse him. Barnett added, "The Financial Services department of the University is really slow when it comes to processing payment requests." Players remained upbeat that Barnett would be back for another season. Junior, "Junior" Pickens said, "I owe a lot to Coach Barnett and so do all the players. He helped us all to have sex for the first time in our lives and he has made us better people."
"SON OF SAM" GETS WEEKEND FURLOUGH TO ATTEND GIANTS GAME New York, NY - Jailed serial killer David Berkowitz (a.k.a. Son of Sam), who once terrorized New York City and currently serving a life sentence, is being allowed to attend a New York Giants football game. Warden Rusty Barr explained, "As a penal professional, I have to say we're all about rehabilitation. David's been in our system for over 25 years and to tell you the truth, he's a really nice guy. This is just our little way of saying 'thanks Dave' for being a model inmate." Berkowitz will be escorted to the game by armed prison officials, watch the game, and come back to the prison. Warden Barr said, "The public will be well protected, I can assure you." Berkowitz is an obsessed Giants fan, who watches every single game. Prison security guard Milt Wagoner, who supervises Berkowitz on a daily basis, said, "David's been great for twenty years or so but I have to tell you, when Jay Feeley missed those field goals against the Seahawks and Cowboys, David went beserk." Giants officials are very excited about the prison furlough program. "We've got a big day planned for David. He'll get to meet some of the players, have a few dogs, and then back to the prison for the rest of his life." Giants coach Tom Coughlin weighed in by saying, "The Giants are all about giving back to the community and we believe in rehabilitation. If something goes haywire during this experiment, we're just hoping David focuses on No.2 (Feeley)." NFL officials say that they are behind this entire prison program. NFL spokeperson Herb Schwartzman said, "This could be very a very efficient cost cutting measure. Players who are playing up to their contract should be put on alert."
NFL STATISTICIAN GOES "POSTAL" New York, NY - A veteran NFL statistician threatened to "shoot up" a post office yesterday but surrendered to police shortly after screaming, "Enough already!" Miles Manor has been compiling statistics for the NFL and Fox Sports for the past 15 years. Apparently, the mounting stress of delivering statistics to TV commentators, temporarily made him take leave of his senses. Appearing mild mannered during his surrender to police, Manor said, "They never let up, never let up, more obscure statistics, give me more. 'How many left footed kickers have missed field goals in the second quarter of games decided by 8 points or less when the temperature was greater than fifty degrees?' And after you give it to them then it's "how many times teams have gone to the Super Bowl when the running backs were born with club feet but wore corrective shoes until age 8?' It just drove me crazy." Veteran NFL observer Obie Skewer explained that "the public doesn't understand the working conditions of a statistician. The pressure just mounts and then something like this. It's a wonder we don't have more of this kind of thing. It takes a strong guy to do statistics." U.S. Post Office spokesperson Lattey Agin commented, "We're not taken the rap for this one. Why did he have to come into the post office? We've been really well behaved lately, haven't we?" Statistics do show that statisticians have a 9 in 10 chance of getting gout while chewing sugarless gum if their mother-in-law's name is Doris.
EX-CINCINNATI COACH HUGGINS PICKED UP FOR LOITERING Cincinnati, OH - The fired University of Cincinnati basketball coach was picked up yesterday by police and charged with loitering and unlawful solicitation at a city playground. Arresting officer Vic Timmer explained, "The actor was standing outside a fence asking young basketball players if they wanted free booze and drugs in exchange for playing on his team. Several young men almost climbed in his car but we were able to react quickly enough before anyone was seriously hurt." Huggins attorney defended his client saying, "He's just always in a recruiting mode and kids just love him. Let's keep perspective here, he was offering alcohol and drugs to play basketball for a University program someday. He wasn't offering them alcohol and drugs in exchange for sex." University officials had no comment other to say that Cincinnati's graduation rate increased by 85% since the Huggins firing several months ago.
TEMPLE REACHES OUT TO MENTALLY ILL AND HIRES NEW COACH Philadelphia, PA - Temple University announced that it had offered the football head coaching job to Al Golden. Golden, who has a history of obsessive, compulsive masochistic behavior said he was thrilled to take over the 0-11 Owls from departing coach, Bobby Wallace. A Temple spokeperson said, "We are pushing the envelope on this hire. We just thought it was time to consider hiring the mentally ill." For years Golden has engaged in a variety of self-inflicted tortures including putting lighted matches up his nose, chaining himself to a fire plugs, and listening to Barbara Streisand interviews with headphones. Golden explained, "It doesn't matter what it is, as long as it makes me suffer, I like it." Departing Coach Wallace commented, "This is a great fit for Al and for the University. Al going to get a healthy dose of self-torture with this program." DRE' BLY APOLOGIZES TO JOEY HARRINGTON Detroit - Detroit Lions defensive back Dre' Bly apologized to quarterback Joey Harrington for comments that blamed Harrington's poor play for firing of Lion's coach Steve Mariucci . "What I said was entirely taken the wrong way. Everyone was accusing me of saying Joey sucks but what I actually said was that Joey sucked and Jeff Garcia sucked worse," said the contrite Bly after another Lions loss. Bly continued the apology by adding, "Let's see now, Garcia is cut by the Browns and he's dropped by a Playboy centerfold? So why do we take him? If Brett Favre is our quarterback, we're going to the Super Bowl." Harrington responded to the apology by saying that he felt a lot better and the he and Bly were "good buds" and even shared deodorant sticks. Harrington added, "What hurts me is that yes, I do suck, but come on, at least I don't suck as bad as Garcia."
NBA CANS "READ TO ACHIEVE" PROGRAM New York, NY - NBA commissioner David Stern announced today that the league's "Read To Achieve" program will be discontinued. Stern explained, "we are a video culture, who obsesses on television, so why is it necessary to read books?" He added, "Reading may be FUNdamental but it ain't no fun and do you see some of the video with Keith Van Horn?" Stern was referring to incidents of children nightmares due to exposure to Van Horn wearing a Dr. Seuss hat. Stern went on to say, "I thinks the books were really tough for both the players and the kids. Why not just pop a DVD in the machine and bug eye the kids? Who's got time to read a whole book when we've got an 83 game schedule?" School teachers from around the country expressed relief that finally the program has ended. "I'm trying to teach kids to count to 10 and then I've got to explain how NBA player only have to learn to count to 10 million," Rhea Zentfull. "It's just too confusing to the children."
CAROLINA CHEERLEADERS AND INJURED NURSE KISS AND MAKE UP... REALLY KISS! AND OTHER THINGS TOO! Charlotte, NC - The two cheerleaders accused of having sex in a lavatory stall and the witnessing nurse, who was punched out by one of the cheerleaders for reporting the incident, have made up. The cheerleaders who are engaged offered their hands and other things in peace, to the offended witness. The nurse, who initially intended to press charges, decided to drop her legal complaint and join the cheerleaders for some "cocktails and who knows what." The three retired to another bathroom stall in a Charlotte ChiChi's for what witnesses say was some really good "makin up." Attorneys for both sides were very happy with the arrangement. Lawyer Ben Spillin commented, "Wouldn't it be great if we could settle all legal disputes over drinks and some lesbian sex?" The Carolina Panther cheerleaders, also known as the "Topcats," have become the biggest drawing card to hit professional sports. Team coach and manager Bev Firske said that, "we've had so much positive feedback about our lewd behavior that we're going to apply for a WNBA franchise." McNABB REINJURES GROIN EATING SOUP Philadelphia, PA - Philadelphia Eagles Quarterback Donavan McNabb reinjured his groin yesterday just days after successful surgery to repair his sports hernia. While preparing lunch, McNabb lifted a bowl of his mother's Chunky Beef Vegetable soup from a counter top. His mother Wilma McNabb said, "I told Donavan there were big chunks of meaty steak in every can of Chunky soup but he never listens to anyone but T.O." McNabb's surgeon had instructed Donavan to take it easy but did not list soup lifting on "not to do" list. Dr. Peter Strait commented, "That is some hearty soup and it's unusual to find that much meat in canned soup." Chunky soup spokeperson Clem Howder explained "while we're very upset for the Eagles fans that Donavan reinjured the groin, its speaks volumes about our commitment to give the consumers lots of meat in our product." URINAL CRIME IS UP 42% THIS YEAR New York, NY - NFL officials released a disturbing statistic to the public this morning. Stadium urinal crime has increased to a new high and has jumped 30% in each of the last few seasons. Criminologist Spencer Fencer explained that "urinal crime is the often the most under-reported crime we see. "Men are at their most vulnerable exposure when standing at the urinal and they are often too embarrassed to tell police that they were a victim." Veteran police detective Wilton Mumber offered his explanation to why men will not come forward and report. "Normally after you are victimized at a urinal, you've usually pee all over your pants. Most men will get away from the scene as fast as possible to dry out." Victim Salavatore Micote told police that he was standing at the urinal with a strong sensation to urinate but couldn't. "I was waiting and waiting and nothing was happening and I was victimized from behind. Immediately I urinated on my shoe but it was too late, the criminal was gone." TROPHY UPDATE Washington, DC - President Bush spent the evening looking for the missing "Commander - in - Chief's" Trophy that he supposed to give today to the winner of the Army-Navy game. White House Press Secretary Scott McLyin told reporters that the President didn't sleep a wink last night. The CIA reported earlier that they had no reliable intelligence to suggest that the trophy was taken by a terrorist group. Later it was discovered that the trophy was in the attic at the White House. President Bush found the trophy when he was getting out the Bush Christmas decorations. "Gee, I must have accidentally packed up with my Christmas balls last January," the baffled President said. Vice-President Dick Cheney immediately released a statement saying, "We're going with the earlier terrorist intel and ignoring the latest intelligence and then we're going to invade Syria because these terrorists have no regard for the sacred Army-Navy tradition." BUSH SAYS "AL-KAYDA" TOOK THE "COMMANDER IN CHIEF'S TROPHY" Annapolis - President Bush called a hasty press conference today to announce that "Al-KAYDA" was the prime suspect in the case of the missing "Commander in Chief Trophy," missing from the Navy locker room. The trophy given to the winner of the Army-Navy game has been missing since Tuesday. CIA sources say that all of their intelligence points to the terrorist organization. Bush said, "These terrorists will stop at nothing to disrupt our way of life and I promise the American people that we will hunt these criminals down, get the trophy back, and give it to the winner. America's premier football rivalry will not be sabotaged by these vicious criminals." Abdhar Ali-Mcgraw, a terrorist spokeperson said on the Al-Lewis network, that their group had the trophy and "we plan to tarnish it." Congress has called for a comprehensive plan to get the trophy back and has authorized an emergency 120 billion dollar spending plan to find the trophy.
TORONTO RAPTORS OFFER GENE KEADY A JOB Toronto, ON - The hapless last place Toronto Raptors are looking for help and they have turned to retired Purdue coach, Gene Keady. Raptors management think that Keady could be the spark that the team needs. "He's a great coach and he's got the best goddamn combover of all time," said Raptor spokesperson Wally Woorster. "If you look at Donald Trump's combover, he really stole it from Keady." Keady won over 500 games while at Purdue but he is best remembered by Purdue fans for the combover. Purdue season ticket holder Bobby Blume commented, "Coach Keady's combover made us all proud to be Boilermakers and if you follow Purdue basketball, you would have noticed that his hair color has never changed from boot black throughout his whole career." Keady said that his retirement has been disappointing. "I stink at golf and I don't like spending time with my wife, I'm used to being on the road," Keady said after carding a 14 on a 110 yd. par 3. The Raptors plan to dress the excitable Keady as "Raptor" the pre-historic mascot and have him fly around the court like "they did in Jurassic Park and distract the opposition."
SALVATION ARMY GETTING READY FOR NAVY Duluth, MN - Don't be fooled with the buckets and the bells of the Salvation Army ringers this holiday season. "If we look a little more serious this year than last it's because we're focused on the Navy game," says bell ringer Beatrice Goode. "They're probably going to a bowl game and I'm just going back to a mall, so I plan to get some licks in," she added. Goode is a 345 lb. middle guard, who Coach Bobby Ross describes as "a Dick Butkus having a really bad period. She hits like a freight train and she likes to hurt men." Ross explained that due to several season ending injuries, Army had to field some replacements. He explained, "We were short handed, and with most of the Army fighting wars, we turned to the Salvation Army for a few recruits." Salvation Army Captain Virginia Dipp said that, "hey we're still Army through and through. Don't let those bells fool you, we got some tough ass foot soldiers." And they can play some football. Darlene Wright will taking leave of her post at the Macy's in Wannewquec Mall, to line up at right offensive tackle. Ross thinks Darlene could be a late first rounder in next year's draft but she has a four year commitment to the Army. Wright, who tips the scale at a meager 330 but runs a 4.8 fourty, smells a victory for the underdog Cadets. "I'm gonna be scratching, clawing, biting, and I haven't bathed in two weeks. Whatever it takes to win this one for Coach Ross."
LIONS FIRE MARIUCCI: MATT MILLEN SPENDS SALARY CAP MONEY TO HAVE HIMSELF CLONED Detroit - Detroit Lions fans received an early Christmas present from Lions GM, Matt Millen when he fired friend and coach, Steve Mariucci. Millen said during his press conference that, "the NFL is a business and though Mariucci is one of my best friends, I have no problem cutting out the heart of a friend, putting it on a skewer and barbecuing it for dinner. Steve can't take this personally, it's just NFL business." Millen immediately announced plans to have himself cloned and then will place the clone in the head coaching position. "We're gonna save some money with this cloning thing. Mariucci was getting four million and my clone will work for chump change," Millen continued. GM Millen said the new coach Millen "is the smartest football mind I've ever been around. Between the two of us, we're gonna get this franchise turned around." EAGLES TRADE HUGH DOUGLASS FOR ANGELINA JOLIE Philadelphia, PA - Philadelphia Eagles President announced at a press conference that the Eagles had acquired United Nations Goodwill Ambassador Angelina Jolie, in exchange for Eagles Goodwill Ambassador Hugh Douglass. "We're obviously excited," said Banner, "and in more ways than one." Head Coach Andy Reid expressed regret at losing Douglass but admitted to reporters that Jolie probably won't start any fights in the locker room and if she does, "nobody can touch that bitch." Reid added, "I think my wife could probably kick her ass but she swings on ropes and drop kicks in a lot of movies, so that's really cool." UN Ambassador Kofi Annon was more subdued in his response to the trade. "Losing Angelina was not something we wanted to do," said Annon. "This trade was for the best, though. First, we will have an ambassador where someone will listen to what he says rather than just stare at his chest. Plus, we must send our ambassadors to places where women are not always safe. A big guy like Hugh is much better equipped to deal with some of the dangers we face. Finally my wife hasn't stopped bugging me since we signed her last year." Annon added that the blood in the vile, bizarre tattoos, and making out with her brother at the Academy Awards didn't help moral in the UN locker room. "We are badly divided at the UN. Some favor her, some fear her. Now we don't have to worry anymore about weapons she is smuggling under her blouse, if you know what I mean." Hugh Douglass was unavailable for comment. Jolie is reportedly shopping for third world babies to present to the Eagles as a housewarming gift.
PAC 10, MOUNTAIN WEST CONFERENCES SIGN BOWL DEAL WITH EMERIL San Francisco, CA - The Pac 10 and Mountain West Conferences have sign a new five year deal renaming the Emerald Bowl to the Emeril Bowl. Pac 10 spokesperson Len Lasagna described the deal as a "sweet deal" for everyone. "We're proud to be partnering with Emeril Lagasse, one of the best darn cooking show host in the country," Lasagna announced. Lasagna explained that there are close to 1,000 bowl games this year and that bowl folk have to start "thinking outside the box." Lasagna said, "The fans are in for a treat. This is not your regular football bowl game." In the new format, the teams will cook off against each other but with the same football rules in place. Cooking assistants can tackle cooks from the other team and blockers can protect the sous chef. Emeril will stand off to the side and yell, "Bam!" The game will pit the No. 6 team from the Pac 10 with the No. 3 team from the Mountain West. "Who cares about the game?" asked a jubliant Lagasse. "We're gonna sell product and lots of it. My new fourth down marinade or Emeril's special anti-inflammatory butter. Merchandise, merchandise!", Lagasse screamed for the camera. "Who would have ever thought a loud mouth second rate cook would have his own football game?"
MATT LINERT MAY PASS ON NFL FOR DANCE CAREER: DANCE RECITAL TICKETS AVAILABLE Los Angeles, CA - USC Heisman Trophy winner and quarterback Matt Linert will be giving a dance recital on Saturday night following USC's final game against UCLA. "I'm so excited," said the jubilant Linert following his last dress rehearsal. "I only had to complete a dance class to get my degree but dance just took over my life." Linert added that there were so many similarities between dancing and football. "There are tight fitting pants in both football and dance. In both there is lots of body contact which I really like. Both have music and both have very demanding coaches." Linert will perform "The Nutcracker" for his final grade that is "if I have any nuts left after the UCLA game." "I'm taking the Nureyev approach and I'm wearing some sweet tights," Linert said with a smile. If all goes well and the critics like him, Linert would like to audition for the Sioux City Ballet Company. "I'm not ready for NYC so my agent and I think I should probably spend some development time in a smaller market." NFL scouts agree that Linert is making a good move. Veteran scout Petey Peters commented that few Heisman Trophy winners ever live up to expectations in the NFL. "Matt's got all the right tools for dance and if you think about it which would you rather do, get hit by 350 pound lineman or lift 110 pound women over your head while gently squeezing their hips?"
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Moulds gets more for shoveling a roof but admits, "My knees shake a little cause I'm scared of heights."
Official NBA urine test up close.
Sprewell, "When I tell you to go long on Microsoft, I ain't bullshitin'!"
Hoomah's motto for tourists, "Hoomah, a nice place to hunt!"
Smythe after the incident, "Age and senility is no excuse for preying on young, healthy guys like myself."
Dr. Irvin in consultation, "I'm a doctor, I want to help people, I took the Hypocrette oath."
(file photo from the good old days)
Barnett, "We've got five prostitutes on staff, count'em five!"
Berkowitz, "I have Feeley on my prison fantasy team, imagine what he's doing to me."
Miles Manor in happier days, "And how many times has a team come back in the fourth quarter when the wind was blowing counterclockwise due to the El Nino effect?"
Huggins explaining, "I keep thinking I'm still the Bearcats' coach, sorry!"
We didn't have any pictures of Jeff Garcia so let's just change the subject.
Allen Iverson after reading Doestoevky's Crime and Punishment, "That's some cool s*%t!"
President Bush asked Congress for names of trophy stores who might be able to make another trophy by game time.
Keady doing his Raptor impression, "When I look in the mirror, I see a mean Raptor!" 
Salvation Army Captain Dipp says, "We've even got the halftime show covered." Go Army!
Hugh Douglass preparing for his new role in "Tomb Raider III."
It's fourth and goal and do you saute or bake?
Linert says, "I've had so much support from the team that I want to cry."