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New York, NY -- NBA commissioner David Stern blamed a "rogue, isolated criminal" Tuesday for a betting scandal that has threatened the credibility of the entire NBA system.

A subdued Stern said former referee Tim Donaghy has betrayed the NBA family and "it's a no-no to betray the family." Stern compared Donaghy's actions to that guy in "The Godfather." "Actually," said Stern, "alot of people betrayed the family in 'The Godfather' and that's why it's such a great f%^&ing movie," said Stern. "But like Don Corleone, I like everyone to pay a price for their betrayal."

With that, Stern announced a contract reward for anyone who can "deal with this snake." Stern added, "Let me be clear, I'm not advocating any kind of official hit but read between the lines. Especially all of you scary looking guys who can make people disappear to the swamps of North Jersey."

Immediately former NFL running back O.J. Simpson said, "I can help and I'm here if you need me." Simpson added, "I know all about betrayal and frankly I'm a little bored with all the golf." Several mobsters expressed their disinterest in getting rid of Donaghy. One public lower, lower level mobster by the name of Sub-Basement Sal said, "I hope the guy gets reinstated and is back on the court. He did a heckava job for us."

Commissioner Stern reiterated, "I am not related to violinist Issac Stern. Will stop asking me that?"

LOUDENVIELLE LE LURON, France -- In an effort to boost sagging ratings and credibility, Tour de France officials have encouraged participants to bike without clothes.

"We think it's a hellava a way to get people's minds off of all this steroid crap," said Tour director Guy de Jacques Shorts. "You plop down a few French francs and you get to see a bunch of naked guys racing bikes...in my mind that's a hellava afternoon of good family entertainment."

Television executives seem to agree. ABC sports producer Roone Rooney said, "Let see, naked guys riding bikes or 'Full House' reruns? See what I'm saying?"

And fans and bikers agree, nude bike racing is here to stay. Biker Len Schwickle said, "Once I came out of the Pyranees (where tempertures were in the low 50's) and my nipples softened and my penis re-emerged from my body, I felt comfortable." Bikers say the nude option is going to shatter times. "Clothing is a drag," said Harvey Granger, "and I mean that from an aerodynamic standpoint." He explained, "It's like sex, clothes don't help you."

A couple of hours of nude racing can do wonders for those unflattering tan lines.

Atlanta, GA -- Embattled Atlanta quarterback Mike Vick is said to be distraught over the PETA protests going on outside the Falcons training center.

A spokesperson for Vick said that, "Mike always has had a good relationship with peta. He eats just about everything with a slice of peta." Vick claims that for years he has been exclusively, "a peta man, and I'll eat anything if it's stuffed in a peta. Vick supposedly asked, "How can these peta people be mad at me if I'm eatin' their bread?"

It was brought to the attention of the Vick camp that PETA stood for "People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals" and it had nothing to do with the flat bread of middle eastern origin. "Are you kidding me?" asked the Vick spokesperson, "You ain't saying peta bread is made from people who want ethical treatment for animals, are you? I ain't eatin' no more of that shit, that's for sure!"

A PETA representative said, "Yeah, maybe we oughta change our name or something. We're losing a lot of credibility if people think we're protesting flat bread."

We sure hope these PETA people keep coming up with these great stuffed pocket sandwiches.

Dublin, Ireland -- Golfer and British Open Champion Padraig Harrington wasn't home for more than an hour when he expressed, "Christ, can you all stop with the jugs jokes."

Harrington was referring to the coveted Claret Jug which goes to the winner of the British Open. "Hey, nice jugs...can I touch your jugs...how come you only have one jug, they come in pairs...," Harrington mimicked.

The word "jugs" has for a long time served as slang term for womens' breasts. Harrington fumed, "It's a juvenile attempt at humor and it diminishes my accomplishment as a golfer." He continued, "People were saying things like, 'did you win the Claret knockers?' or 'lets see you Claret ta ta's' and that's just plain degrading to women."

British Open official Clive Cliveden commented on the situation by saying, "It just shows the brilliance of the tournament founders to call the prize a jug. I just never tire of breast humor."

Harrington quickly got over his aversion to jugs jokes and settled down with a nice pair of Guinesses.

Carnoustie, Scotland -- In many ways, it is a typical Scottish summer day. Wind-driven sleet rips golfers' eyes out, and black clouds shriek across fairways, carrying helicopters, boulders, and flapping gallery members across the North Sea towards certain death in Lapland.

But all attention was on the Television Golf Watchers' Association's press conference. Jockweb's Tiffany Torquemada was there as golfing great Gary Player admitted that he had to take steroids to watch golf on TV.

Player's admission set off a fierce debate between noted Scottish-Ebonics scholar Rod 'He Hate Me' Smart and the Golf Watchers' Legal Counsel Fergie MacLeash. MacLeash fired the first salvo when he said, "Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face, great chieftan o'the puddin'-race! Aboon them a' ye tak your place, painch, tripe, or thairm..."

'He Hate Me' fired back, "Uh, he say, fck all y'all, and Gary Player too! Steroids my ass..."

At this point, Torquemada had to be excused because of an attack of diareaha from eating some kind of Scottish concoction of kidney beans and cow intestines, so that's all we were able to record from the press conference. Torquemada did ask us not to make her case of diareaha public but we sad to say, it's too late for regrets. However, Golf's current number one player in the world Tiger Woods did say, "Without television, I'd be telling my friends at the carwash how I used to be famous."

This Scottish delicacy will go through you like you've got the intestines of the "Invisible Man." Just ask our Tiffany.

New York, NY -- Baseball legend Pete Rose contacted the NBA offices yesterday to express his interest in becoming a referee.

"How tough can it be?" quipped Rose, "and someone like me is going to put fans in the seats. NBA commissioner David Stern, who had a sleepless night after allegations surfaced that one of his officials might be in bed with the mob. The FBI is investigating referee Tim Donaghy for allegedly shaving points to fix point spreads for gambling interests.

Rose said, "Look at the benefits of hiring me. People already know I'm a habitual gambler and I know all of the FBI guys on a first name basis." One FBI investigator commented that bringing Rose in makes sense. "It would make our job a lot easier," he said. "With Pete, you just don't have to do as much digging in an investigation. You have to think of the money we would save."

Rose admitted that sales of his memorabilia were down and that no one has bought a Pete Rose book ever. "And," he said, "I'd like to keep in the public eye but I don't have material for another book. " Rose has been trying to supplement his income in an Off-off-off-off Broadway version of "Guys and Dolls" as the lovable bookie, Nathan Detroit. "But," he added, "refereeing could change all that."

Green Bay, WI -- Another animal scandal has hit the NFL hard after FBI agents announced that they were looking into allegations that Green Bay Packers quarterback Brett Favre may have been involved in large scale goldfish abuse.

League commissioner Roger Goodell said, "Let's not rush to judgement and give Brett a chance to tell his side of the story." However, sources close to the investigation say that Brett is known around the city of Green Bay as "The Man" when it come to the seedy underground world of goldfish fighting.

Several current and former teammates said under promise of anonymity that "Favre has an appetite for some of the worse goldfish fighting known to man." One player said that Favre "trained goldfish to fight and then bet huge amounts of money on goldfish spectacles." "And," the player added, "if his goldfish lost forget about it, it was a guaranteed flush-a-roo down the cemetery toilet."

Favre did not speak to reporters but his agent vehemently denies all speculation regarding the goldfish abuse. "Brett might be guilty of dropping a bit too much fish food into an aquarium but that's where it stopped. Brett loves his goldfish and would never intentionally train a goldfish to fight."

Agents said they confiscated fish that were smack around by Favre and showed visible signs of abuse.

Carnoustie, Scotland -- Golf legend Gary Player has brought golf into the steroid spotlight. Player intimated yesterday that he knows at least one player on the tour who is "on the juice."

"We're kidding ourselves if we think golf is not overridden by drugs," said the South African. "Christ, I have to take stimulants just to get around for 18 holes. I can't imagine watching golf on television without drugs," added Player.

Tournament officials took Player's allegations seriously and hastily put together a drug testing program for the British Open participants. But things quickly fell apart due to a lack of prior preparations. Tournament director Clive Cliveden explained, "On a golf course, men just sort of piss anywhere they want, so you've got to be alert and quick to capture a sample." He added, "Come to think of it, for men, the world is their toilet."

Drug tester exhausted themselves trying to duck behind weeds and trees capturing player urine in small sample cups. One frustrated tester said, "They've given us four ounce cups for eight ounce pissers, and to tell you the truth, a lot of players aren't cooperating."

These whining urine testers oughta try and grab a sample off someone on a moving bike. Now that's tough urine testing.

Santa Dominga, Santo Domingo -- Coolio Franco, the older brother of Major League Baseball player Julio Franco was called up today by the Santo Domingo Coconuts, winners of the 2007 Stanley Cup.

Coconuts spokesperson Generalisimo Franco (no relation), stated, "Ebery body know we need goalie. Did you see Game 7 Stanley Cup finals? That proved it. Haiti could have beaten us."

The 89-year-old Franco, a veteran of 42 long Russian campaigns with the Stalin Grads in the former All-Soviet We Hate Capitalist Pigs Hockey League, arrived at the Coconuts training facility in a customized hearse. The hearse was immediately surrounded by legions of star-struck Dominican children trying to sell him chewing gum. When asked how it felt to the oldest goalie in NHL history, he responded with, "Oh...Teddy me boy, me boy, me boy..." the well known Coconut fight song.

(Editor's Note: The Coconuts Stanley Cup' win is mired in controversy. The games were not televised and no witnesses have come forth. Many theories are circulation as to whether or not the NHL* still holds Stanley Cup finals).

**Oral legend says that 'hockey' is a mixture of boxing and Jai-Alai, played on an ice surface. Cave paintings recently discovered in Wildwood, NJ show ancient Incas playing this game with human skulls.

Franco was working on turning a wheel as he gets ready for the NHL season which opens tomorrow.

Jockweb, HQ -- Veteran Jockweb reporter and Pewlitzer Prize winning journalist Fred Collingdale showed up at our offices after a long leave and proceeded to act like nothing had happened.

Collingdale, who originally came to Jockweb when Jockweb czar Shecky Sheckstein raided all of the major international news outlets for new talent in 1996. "Back then he was the best in the business," said Sheckstein. But age and booze and broads and a penchant for ethnic Ukrainian transsexuals took Collingdale on a downward spiral until he found himself in a jail cell with Lindsay Lohan and Tank Johnson. "I had hit a low, and I knew it," explained Collingdale, "and I knew that I had been given that one great job at Jockweb that most journalists only dream about."

Immediately, Collingdale checked himself into Betty Ford's house. "I figured why go to her clinic when I can go right to her house. I wasn't sure if she was still alive but when you're drunk and groping Ukrainians, you're not thinking straight."

It turns out that Collingdale straightened his life out only to slip once again on his addiction to on-line Buddhists chat rooms. His wife of 67 years sued him and took, "pretty much all of the $1642 I had stashed away for the golden years." Finally, Collingdale stepped into the Jockweb offices where he was greeted by an open armed Sheckstein. "I love that mother f$%^er," exclaimed Sheckstein, "and get to work winning another Pewlitzer!"

Piscataway, NJ -- Rutgers assistant head football coach Chris Demarest was arrested and charged with assault after an altercation at a bar in Long Branch, New Jersey.

According to police, Demarest was arrested early Saturday after police responded to a call at The Avenue. Demarest was released after posting $2500 in bail. The name of the victim was not released but police confirmed that is was a woman in a relationship with Demarest.

The woman in the relationship with Demarest said, "If you going to tell everyone that the victim is the woman in a relationship with Demarest, and everyone I know knows I'm going out with Demarest, why don't you just say, he beat his girlfriend Sally Schwartz?"

A spokesman for the police department responded, "Yeah, that's pretty stupid. Okay, then, Demarest stands accused of beating his girlfriend Sally Schwartz."

Demarest later said, "I've got friends and they've got friends, if you know what I mean." People who know Rutgers football know that alum James Gandolfini is close to the program and that often times opponents of Rutgers football disappear in the swamplands of New Jersey. Demarest said, "I ain't saying that Sally should be worried for calling the cops but Sally should be worried about calling the cops."

Tony Soprano ain't on the sidelines to help with conditioning if you know what we mean. Hey Sally, get outta here, now.

Philadelphia, PA -- A representative for the Shadowboxer announced today that the infamous, mysterious athlete will try basketball.

According to sources close to the boxing fixture, he supposedly is tired of standing behind everyone fighting. "I want to be out front and center but I know that's not possible because I'm a shadow," he said. "But," he added, "I've liked basketball and with the right lighting I could be good at it."

For years the Shadowboxer has been a fixture at boxing gyms throughout the world and he could be one of the most recognizable but underappreciated athletes. He has confided in friends that "people take me for granted that I will always be there."

Some NBA scouts say that though boxing skills don't transfer to the NBA (unless you are Ron Artest), "He's got a shot, again, if the lighting is right." Several teams have worked him out in drills and his Atlanta Hawks workout did not go well. "Look I play like the other guys around me and what can you say good about the Atlanta Hawks?" asked the Shadowhoopster.

The Shadow (in the background) has a difficult time keeping up in yesterday's workout in Atlanta.

Barcelona, Spain -- Golfer Seve Ballesteros announced today that it was time for him to stop playing golf and get serious about facial surgery.

Ballesteros, the youngest Master's Champion in history, has been plagued by health problems in recent years and has even fought off rumors about a suicide attempt. The Spanish legend quipped, "Sometimes they mix me up with Phil Mickelson and if I were him, I definitely take the gas pipe to the mouth."

Seve said that he plans to never touch a golf club again. "First, I want to get this chin fixed. Look at me, I always look like I'm saying things like, 'hmph' and 'not so' but in reality my jowls are frozen in this position." Bellesteros' took a wedge to the face and a permanent divot formed between his chin and nose. Doctors say that Bellesteros will recover but it will be a difficult operation because Bellesteros is scheduled to have surgery on Wednesday. But as his plastic surgeon, Dr. Sergio Leone Garcia Rocca explained, "Wednesday is golf day for doctors so Seve is on his own."

"I'm hoping after the operation to say things like, 'hmmn' and 'yes, I agree'," said the legend from Espana.

Atlantic City, NJ -- It wasn't supposed to end this way but don't feel sorry for fighter Arturo Gatti.

Gatti was bloodied after taking a beating from a younger man in what was the final fight in his long, valiant career. Gatti was KO'd in the seventh round by second rate fighter, Alfonso Gomez. Afterwards the 35-year-old Gatti said they will be no more fighting because, "it's time for me to do something else."

The fighter explained, "I think I want to teach English literature at a nice New England college." Gatti added, "I've got no legs for fighting, no speed in my punches, so teaching Shakespeare is a great alternative." Though Gatti has no experience in the classroom he feels that there are many parallels between boxing and teaching literature. "I'm not sure what they are because I just got the shit kicked out of me but give me a few days and I'll find a connection," said the woozy Gatti.

Gatti did have a moment of clarity when he asked, "Didn't that guy F. Scott Hemingway like fighters?" Several boxers before Gatti have retired to the classroom including heavyweights Leon Spinks and Larry Holmes.

Several literature professors interviewed said that have boxing experience really helps in the classroom. One Yale scholar said, "Like when someone's falling asleep when my lectures drone on and on, a boxer could just walk over and kick one of these upstart student's ass. Christ, I'd love to watch that."

Lexington, KY -- Hockey and non-hockey fans alike celebrated the great news that the University of Kentucky will re-release ten million copies of the their famous 1998-99 Kentucky Hockey schedule featuring a very inviting picture of celebrity Ashley Judd.

"It's the reason I gave up football for hockey," said one non-Canadian. School officials explained that they had forgotten that they printed the extra ten million back in 1998 and one official said, "Wow, we misplaced all these calendars and we're pleased as punch to find them."

Sales of the calendar were brisk yesterday throughout the country despite that the schedule is nine years old. "I never knew Kentucky had a hockey team and I never realized they played Ohio State," said one fan. "I'm going right home and put this schedule up on my wall," he continued.

Harvey Gleckman held up his calendar and exclaimed, "I learned a one-hand slap shot while spending hour looking at this back in '98. This will be like Deja Vu."

Rome, Italy -- French long jumper Salim Sdiri was hit be a javelin during the Golden Gala games on Friday.

The incident occurred when a Finnish javelin thrower slipped on a banana peel that was left on the ground. Thrower Tero Pitkamaki let the javelin go as he fell. The spear travel 171 feet before lodging into Sdiri's right side.

Sdiri was heard to say, "Who the f%^& threw the f$%^ing javelin at me?" Pitkamaki ran away and hid outside the stadium. Sdiri's family was extremely upset with Pitkamaki and Sdiri's mother then picked up a shot put and clobbered Pitkamaki's mother over the head.

Sdiri's mother said, "That almost hit his little ding-ding and then I wouldn't have ever been a grandmother." Pitkamaki's mother regained consciousness and then quickly went after a man eating a banana. She screamed that, "People who throw banana peels on the ground should be castrated," and proceeded to try and remove the man's testicles with a javelin.

Police intervened and settled everyone down and later everyone shook hands and said they were sorry in Finnish. "I'm Finnish," said one man. Another man responded, "Then get out of the bathroom." Another man said, "Finnish jokes are really overdone."

Watch out for these old bastards with a javelin. They have no aim and you could end being castrated by accident.

New York, NY -- Gary Sheffield has some strong language about his former Yankee team and slugger Barry Bonds in an interview with HBO's "Real Sports" that will air this coming week.

Sheffield says that manager Joe Torre treats black players differently than white players. "I used to offer him my shampoo in the shower room and he'd say, 'Thanks Gary but I don't need shampoo.'" Sheffield said, "That's some racist shit." Torre for his part denied the allegations when asked about the shampoo incident. "I don't have hair," said Torre, "and most of the time I can use a washcloth to clean my head."

Sheffield took a shot at Bonds by saying, "If I took what Barry took, why don't I look like him?" He also says, "I ain't taking no steroids cause the bottom line is that someone is sticking something in your butt and I ain't letting no one stick something in my butt except like if I'm in prison and like I ain't had a woman in like five years or something and I got like a life sentence and I probably ain't gonna see a woman again, like then I'd let someone stick something in my butt but only if I could put something in their butt first."

In the interview Sheffield also said that Derek Jeter never orders a chocolate milk shake at Dairy Queen. "He always gets a black and white shake so he's a racist too."

The black and white shake at Dairy Queen is a delicious treat and a good value but it is not helping race relations in this country.

Indianapolis, IN -- The Indianapolis Colts signed their franchise player Dwight Freeney to a record six-year, $72 million dollar contract which makes him the highest paid defensive player in NFL history.

Moments after signing took place Colts general manager Bill Polian said, "Actually we don't have $72 million dollars, we're going to have to ask for help." Immediately Polian reached out across the world asking nations to join in to assist with this important cause. Polian said, "So many people around the world have so much to be thankful for. We think if people look into their hearts, they can find a little compassion and send the Colts whatever they can afford."

Freeney registered 56 1/2 sacks during his first five seasons and forced 27 fumbles during his career. Polian added, "You can see from his production that he is a worthwhile cause. Lots of countries throw money away on lots of ridiculous things like tsunami relief but with Dwight, you can see exactly where your money goes."

Jacques Duvalier, a Haitian official said, "Damn right that we need to help the Indianapolis Colts in an emergency situation like this. Haiti pledges whatever it needs to keep the Colts solvent." Polian added, "I'm very gratified by the response we've received. We're going to be able to get by without a bake sale."

President Bush committed food and supplies to the Indianapolis Colts. He said at a press conference, "Americans are a compassionate people and we're gonna see Indianapolis through these hard times."

*(every once in awhile we feel a responsibility to bring you late breaking news that is a radical departure from the slop you might be accustomed to on this sophomoric, juvenile news source)

Washington, DC -- President Bush announced yesterday that the war in Iraq is going "very well, and in fact those terrorist are going to be sorry when they find out the next thing up my sleeve."

The President was referring to the latest addition to the counter-insurgency effort. "We're throwing the 'Dirty Dozen' at 'em," said Bush. The 'Dirty Dozen' is an elite, highly nimble but ruthless fighting machine consisting of twelve women. Bush added, "These gals are gonna make the Iraqis scream for democracy," chuckled Bush. "And," he said, "when the Iraqis get around to getting serious about freedom then I'll bring the girls home."

Special Forces member, Sgt. Babs Frickerson said, "We plan on use cleavage and ass to straighten out these Iraqis and there ain't no pun intended." Already the strategy seems to be working. Army generals say there are a lot less Iraqis on the streets and observers say for the first time since the war began, "the Iraqi people know we're serious about kicking their asses."

Oklahoma City, OK -- The University of Oklahoma must erase its wins from the 2005 season and face a host of other sanctions as penalty for what the NCAA says "being low down nasty cheatin okies from Muskogee."

An NCAA official described the investigation as routine stating that, "We knew they was cheatin okies, it just took us a long time to find 'Muskogee." It ain't on the damn map."

Two players, including the Sooners' starting quarterback, were paid for work they had not performed at a Norman car dealership. Myles Brand, the NCAA president said, "It's bad enough you got mechanics charging a $100 bucks an hour but
I get billed for lube job that Rhett Bomar swore to me he did." Bomar never did a lube job but said in his own defense, "I couldn't send Mr. Brand a bill for running the '32 Option Pass Right' so I just said I did the lube job."

Now the school must erase its wins. Oklahoma President Brian Bosworth said, "Where the dang heck are we gonna get an eraser big enough to erase 8 wins? And how do you erase'em anyways?"

San Francisco, CA -- Manager Tony LaRussa was arrested shortly after last night's All-Star Game for apparently "coaching under the influence."

LaRussa, who has had some run-ins with the law around issues of drinking and driving, seemed "disoriented, bored, and possessing poor judgement." A complaint was filed by San Francisco police after LaRussa withheld his own star player, Albert Pujols (pronounced Pew-Jewels), at a key moment in the game.

Pujols was clearly angry and accused LaRussa of CUI. "I say give him a breath-a-lyzer and see why he would bat Aaron Rowand in front of me." LaRussa staggered somewhat but said, "I'm only staggering because I need a doctor to cure my All-Star boredom." LaRussa added, "Can we do something to spice up this stupid game. At least can we get a few strippers in the dugout?"

LaRussa's parting shot to Pujols was, "Tell Pu-Jaw that I said he was a Pu-See!"

Los Angeles, CA -- International soccer star and multi-million dollar Los Angeles Galaxy player David Beckham just realized yesterday that "I married a Spice Girl."

Beckham told reporters that "I'm dazed and confused and I'm wondering what possessed me to marry someone named Posh." In addition Beckham said, "I looked in the mirror and I realized that I'm better looking than my wife." Beckham explained that his wife hid her background from him for years but he became suspicious "all the damn woman ever sang was, 'tell me what you want what you really really want.'" He continued, "I told her what I really wanted but she's not been able to give it to me."

Insiders say that the MLS saviour has been irritable of late because, "My wife knows nothing of spices. She couldn't tell rosemary from parsley and sage." Beckham screamed "I want some curried chicken that's what I really really want and she's never cooked with curry." "And those goddamn friends of her, Scarey, Baby, and Sporty don't know much about spices either."

New York, NY -- The NFL's "Join the Team," platform was announced yesterday. The program encourages people across American to unite with NFL players and coaches to make a difference by giving back to communities.

"The Team" is a "call to actions" and a way for people to come together and teach kids across the country. Child psychologist Benjamin Spicker said, "What better way to have kids develop than under the watchful eye of NFL players?"

One flagship program in the JTT banner is "Get Yourself a Gun." "Kids just love this program," said former Bears defensive lineman Tank Johnson. "It's important for a kid to know that if you've got a lot of money, you need a gun for your own ass."

"Drink, Drive, and Get Pulled Over," a local Cinncinnati Bengal initiative has been an overwhelming success according to Bengal Chris Henry. "When you drink and drive, you gots to have good balance so you can walk a straight line."

"We're making a difference," said commissioner Roger Goddell, "one felony at a time."

Through the program, kids learn valuable skills like, who to call when you beat your spouse.

San Francisco, CA -- In an effort to challenge the popular perceptions of slugger Barry Bonds, the home run hitter has embarked on a series of socials where fans can "just chill and get to know the real Barry."

At a nearby hotel during yesterday's homerun derby, Bonds hosted a "high tea," where fans were able to stop by and join Bonds for "tea and cakes and just chill with Barry."

"I'm the nicest person I ever met," said Bonds, "and if the fans don't agree then they should just shut the f%^& up." Three fans took Bonds up on the offer. One fan said, "There were a lot of cakes leftover and with just three of us there, I ate too much. And Barry is a steroid taking cheat." A second fan said, "Yes, Barry is a very nice guy and I would have tea with a steroid taking cheat any day of the week as long as he was paying."

Bonds said, "See, even if I pay fans I can't seem to change their minds about my steroid taking cheating."

Nashville, TN -- Prosecutors are eyeing criminal charges against New England Patriots wide receiver Randy Moss.

Moss, allegedly posed as a Tennessee state trooper and stopped a porn star on a routine traffic stop. After that the story gets a little murky but Moss is accused of having sex with the porn star after he found drugs in her car.

Prosecutors said that they plan to seek an indictment that charges Moss with official misconduct, destroying evidence, and perhaps sexual battery. Patriots coach Bill Belechick said, "Hey, where can I buy some sexual batteries? I just hope we get Randy in camp on time cause our offense is a bitch to figure out."

Moss was unavailable for comment but people close to the investigation said the Moss was very cleverly disguised as a white, Tennessean state trooper. One witness said, "Randy Moss as a blonde blue eyed copper? Very clever indeed."

Trooper Randy Moss, without his trademark Afro, fooled a lot of people and most importantly, the porn star.

Chicago, IL -- Chicago White Sox pitcher Mark Buehrle is demanding an immediate trade from the team effective today.

Buehrle's agent, Jeff Berry said, "Mark is tired of being picked on by players and wants to go to a nicer team." Berry was referring to the fact that Buehrle is regularly bullied by fellow players and in particular, his manager Ozzie Guillen. Berry explained that "every game the players hide Mark's cup leaving him unprotected while he's on the mound."

Guillen said, "I love to see someone get clipped in the svantz when not wearing a cup."

However, the bullying climaxed the other evening when manager Ozzie Guillen would not allow Buehrle to take a shower in the locker room. Guillen said in Spanish something about being grossed out when he sees an uncircumcised penis in the shower room. Buehrle accused Guillen of prejudice against uncircumcised men.

With Guillen's permission, players dumped cans of soda on Buehrle making him, "very sticky." Buehrle explained that, "I was a magnet for every bee in Chicago and was stung over 347 times." Buehrle said, "This is not the first time this has happened and I'm tired of all these goddamn bee stings."

Milwaukee, WI -- Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig said today that he wants Congress to focus their investigative powers on the NASA.

"I don't know why everyone is picking on Major League Baseball when we've got a huge a-steroid program in space," said Selig. "What about all these a-steroids floating around in space? How come nobody is stepping in to see who's behind that?" asked a upset Selig. "It's a goddamn double standard," said Giants rightfielder Barry Bonds.

Selig added that he felt Bonds was being unfairly treated by fans and "these astronauts with their a-steroids are getting a free ticket." "It's a goddamn American tragedy, that's what the hell it is," screamed Selig.

One astronaut commented, "A-steroids are a problem. There very big in space and if you go in space you're going to run into them because they're hard to avoid." "We need to tell our kids," continued the astronaut, "to stay away from a-steroids."