JockWeb Sports Source

Manchester, ENG -- Clinton Peters normally puts fear in the hearts of opponents but last night in front of a capacity crowd in Manchester, Peters became afraid.

Peters' manager later explained that "Clint realized that he really hates getting beaten in the head." After dancing around against East European Goran Milos for a round, Peters refused to come out in the second round. Peters began to cry and screamed, "Please leave me alone and get my mommy!"

The crowd began to become hostile after spending 50 pounds per ticket. But the loud boos and screams could not force Peters to change his mind. At one point the referee grabbed Peters and said, "You're going to fight or I'm not letting you out of the ring."

The ref then held Peters while Milos pounded him into a knockout. The crowd cheered after the 10 count and Peters was carried from the ring on a stretcher. Later Peters asked from his hospital bed, "Will I still get paid?"

The referee trying to wrestle Peters from his corner. "I felt bad that he was crying but it's boxing and someone has to get their ass kicked," said the ref.

Tokyo -- Team USA basketball announced it will call for an investigation into unsportsmanlike conduct by the Team Greece that caused the Greek underdogs to score an upset over the Americans.

"There was olive oil all over the ball," said forward LeBron James. "I couldn't get a hold of the ball and I swear they were sweating olive oil too which made the floor real slippery." Greek player Theoloneus Onnassis defended the Greeks saying "we cook with olive oil and it comes through our pores."

Coach Mike Krzzywewskinewski explained that prior to the game there was a knock on Team USA's locker room door. "When I answered the door there was a huge plate of food sitting on the floor with a note that said, 'Yankee good luck, From your pals the Greeks.' " The plate was full of gyros, a Greek sandwich made with lamb and a nice yogurt sauce.

Carmelo Anthony described the scene this way. "Everyone just loves gyros so we each scarfed about four of five of them down. During the game we were slow and gassey." Krzyshavmiballsski said "This was a deliberate attempt by the Greeks to gain a tactical advantage over his team. "It's bad enough we can't shoot threes or defend the pick and roll but with a belly full of gyros we couldn't jump either."

Gyros are delicious but they do tend to repeat on you. Please avoid eating them or any spicy food before playing in a World Championship.

ANNA Contemplates: Should I play today and get spanked or go home with my banana?

Chicago, IL -- Major League Baseball in cooperation with Victoria Secret has developed a new line of beachwear that combines the nostalgia of baseball with the sleaziness of an adult magazine.

"We're excited," said Bud Selig, "and I'm excited which doesn't happen often except when I run to the mailbox to get my Victoria Secret catalogue." Selig explained that the MLB wants to reach out to their female fan base and at the same time money off of selling scanty bathing suits. Selig explained, "Take the Chicago Cubs, they suck, but put a couple of hundred women in the stands with MLB beachwear and you're getting your money's worth."

Coincidentally the "Cubbie" is the most popular seller in the new line. Selig said that women "just love slinking around in a 'Cubbie.' It's for women who like the feeling of netting on their stomach, ivy in their hair, and balls on their chest. It's like wearing Wrigley Field."

Look for the "Cubbie" and other models in next month's Victoria Secret's catalogue.

Los Angeles, CA -- A community building baseball initiative by the Los Angeles police department ended in a violent disaster.

The LAPD had organized a baseball league pitting the department team against several neighborhoods around the city. Department spokesperson Ricky Riley said, "We thought baseball would be a great way for people in the community to get to know us and see that we're just regular people like them."

Unfortunately those good intentions were marred by a violent outburst the other evening in a game that pitted the department against a team from South Central. When South Central's first baseman Rodney King came to the plate, he was brushed back by the LAPD pitcher.

King later said, "He threw at my head." The pitcher Ray Kulp said, "King was hogging the plate and I was just trying to send him a message." King took exception to the pitch and struck the LAPD catcher with a bat.

"It felt good," said King. "I got a couple of solid shots in." Both benches cleared and field security could not contain the fighting. The melee spilled into the streets where player continued to hit each other. Several players were shot and over 2 million dollars of damage was incurred by local businesses.

Jockweb HQ -- Jockweb Associate Vice President for Corporate Affairs and Program Expansion, Larry Flaunt, announced today that Jockweb has inked a deal with Inner Mongolian Wrestling Federation to become the exclusive reporting arm for the sport.

"We're thrilled," said Flaunt. "We don't know jack-shit about Mongolian wrestling but no one else was offering the exclusive rights to anything." Flaunt explained that Jockweb reporters have been barred from just about every sporting venue on the planet. "So this is good news for our fledgling news operation," added Flaunt.

"We're going to have 24-7 coverage of Inner and Outer Mongolian Wrestling," said Flaunt. "If people can make money broadcasting poker, we can make money showing fat Chinese guys in thongs."

Flushing Meadows, NY -- Martina Hingis exited the U.S. Open in the second round on Thursday night losing 6-2, 6-4 to 112th ranked Virginie Razzano of France in a huge upset.

"It's an upset and what's more upsetting is that I lost to a Virginie," said Hingis. "And a low ranked Virginie at that," added Hingis.

Razzano said, "I'm a Virginie by choice so don't feel sorry for me. I've never been past third." Razzano was referring to the fact that she had gotten past first and second and almost rounded third but never went all the way.

Several spectators couldn't believe that she never went all the way. Martina Naratilova said, "I have to say I'm partial to Virginies and I'd like to take her on as a student. I guarantee I could help her in her quest to go all the way."

Columbus, OH -- Buckeye Heroes, the new breakfast cereal from Ohio State University is now available in stores for a suggested retail price of $3.49 per box. The cereal is another item in the full Buckeye licensed food line.

The honey-nut-toasted oat flakes are sweetened slightly with the fragrant aroma of locker room sweat. A OSU food scientist explained, "We were able to gather hundreds of sweaty jockstraps, and squeeze enough testicle sweat out to give the customer an authentic Buckeye experience. When you eat Buckeye Heroes, you'll think you're as close as you can get to the players."

Coach Jim Tressel said, "I like how they're shaped in x's and o's. The Mrs. and I spend our entire morning playing cereal football on the kitchen table. And wow, the smell of balls gives our home that real Buckeye feeling."

OSU marketing director Kate Rasyu said that kids "are gonna love seeing Buckeye heroes like Maurice Clarett and Art Schlicter on cereal boxes. You going to want to collect them all."

South Bend, IN -- The University of Notre Dame has vowed to stop the sale of the General Mills cereal, "Lucky Charms."

Notre Dame president Father Edward Malloy said, "Though I enjoy the cereal and I'm particularly fond of the marshmallow stars, this is a clear copyright infringement."

Copyright attorney Les Crunch said that "though Lucky Charms are doubly delicious, Notre Dame has a established monopoly on leprechauns and therefore can do whatever it wants." The General Mills leprechaun said with his hypnotic Irish brogue, "Catch me lucky stars, Notre Dame can go f%^& themselves. I'm all about high sugar content and giving kids cavities and hyperactivity for breakfast."

The Notre Dame leprechaun said this can only be settled with violence and has challenged the cereal leprechaun to a duel to take place at the 50 yard line during the Notre Dame-USC game. General Mills is still mulling over the challenge but a GM spokesperson said, "We're confident our Lucky charms leprechaun can kick the piss out of the ND leprechaun and save high sugar content cereal for the next generation."

For the record, Jockweb is backing the cereal leprechaun because we're addicted to Lucky C's.

Pittsburgh, PA -- A Pittsburgh man was arrested outside a bar for trying to pass himself off as Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger.

Grady Youngblood, an unemployed foot masseuse, used the line, "Hi, I'm Ben," to try an pick up women. In all 12,457 women went for Youngblood's trick although the imposter looks nothing like Roethlisberger. A police detective told Jockweb, "If I knew it was that easy to pick up women, I would have tried it myself."

Unfortunately, Youngblood was caught when he asked a woman if he could "suck her toes." The victim told police, "At that moment I knew it couldn't be Ben, because Ben's motorcycle accident interfered with his sucking mechanism."

Youngblood apologized to all of the victims and defended his actions by saying, "At least I didn't try and tell them I was Art Rooney."

Kansas City, MO -- The Kansas City Royals finally gave up their experiment to be the first Major League Baseball team to play a blind player.

An unnamed team spokesperson said, "To tell you the truth he just didn't get any better over the course of the season." Leftfielder Stevie Charles said, "It's just another blatant case of discrimination against blind people. Okay, so I missed a few pop-ups big deal. At least I didn't lose them in the sun."

Charles did not get a hit in 356 at-bats but had a huge on base percentage. "I got hit a lot," said Charles, "and believe me I think I took about 150 pitches for the team."

Players say they'll miss Charles, who many said was a "guy who kept the locker room loose." One anonymous player said, "You could always joke around with Stevie. Sometimes we'd fool around with the braille signs and Stevie might go into the ladies' room instead of the mens' room but he was a hellava sport about it."

Stevie Charles missing another fly ball. "I guess they'll probably be a permanent dent out in left field," said the proud leftfielder.

Washington, DC -- Former Chicago Bulls and Washington Wizard forward Lonny Baxter was arrested for shooting a gun off near the White House.

"Honest, I was trying to kill the President. Okay, mabye I was aiming for him but I didn't want to kill him," said the contrite Baxter. The former University of Maryland star was picked up two blocks from the Presidential residence after firing a handgun.

Baxter told police that he "just wanted to get noticed by Jodie Foster." Police said there was a bizarre coincidence between Baxter and John Hinckley, the man who attempted to kill President Reagan. Washington, DC police say they believe Baxter is Hinckley. Sgt. George Raft said, "We know Hinckley could rebound and so can Baxter. We know guns were both used near the White House. We know that they both watched the Jodie Foster special on the E channel. Lonny Baxter is John Hinckley."

Baxter denied being Hinckley but agreed, "Wow, there are a lot of similarities between us."

Kinston, NC -- Jerry Stackhouse one upped his fellow NBA stars who make a lot of money and buy their parents a car or a house. Stackhouse bought his mother, Minnie, a new church.

Minnie Stackhouse, a Baptist minister and pastor of the House of Hope Free Will Baptist Church, was smiling from ear to ear. The only person not seemingly happy about the new church was Pope Benedict of Rome.

The Pope was seething and asked in Latin, "How come there aren't any Catholics in the NBA?" The Pope said the overall around the world Church funds are down and "for Christ's sake, we need a new marketing plan that includes the NBA." PB added, "And when I say for Christ's sake, I really mean it."

The Vatican announced it was appointing a new task force aimed at converting NBA players to Catholicism. A spokesperson for the Pope said, " We could get a lot of new churches out of pro athletes and reduce our reliance on bingo."

Currently the Church is putting the squeeze on Detroit Piston forward Rasheed Wallace. "He'd make a fine Catholic," said the Pope. "And we'll name a church after him, St. Rasheed's."

If you were a football fan in the 80's and 90's, you'll remember Rollen Rockin Rollin Stewart. Stewart would appear at football stadiums around the country, wearing his signature "Rainbow" wig and manage to get his mug in front of TV cameras spread his "Born Again' message. Several Jockweb readers have written to us asking what is Rollen up to these days. Ironically, Jockweb has discovered that Rollen is alive and well and living his life as a Scientologist named Tom Cruise.

San Jose, CA -- Sprinter Justin Gatlin said Friday that he has "no idea how any banned substance got into my body. He then restated his plan to appeal the eight-year ban from track he received earlier this week after acknowledging he tested positive for doping.

Gatlin insisted that the only unusual thing he puts into his body is massive amounts of "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter." "I love that stuff," said Gatlin. "Really, I can't believe it's not butter. And you know what else is good on toast? Nutella. That's good eatin'."

Murder suspect John Mark Karr told track officials, "If it helps, I'll take the blame for the doping. Yes, I put the doping agent into Justin's urine sample," Karr said. "And I shot JFK too. And while you're at it, let me take the blame for the Red Sox losing the 1986 World Series."

Gatlin said later, "Wow this guy Karr is great. He appears out of nowhere and will take the blame for anything."

Karr added he wouldn't mind if we blamed the whole Balco scandal on him.

Chicago, IL -- The much publicized breakup between catchers A.J. Pierzenski and Henry Blanco took another ugly turn yesterday.

Pierzenski and Blanco had been dating seriously for the last year but recently Pierzenski announced to Blanco that he wanted out of the relationship. Unfortunately (pictured below), A.J. told Henry while he was up to bat. Blanco immediately reacted to the news by punching Pierzenski. "Not only was he breaking up with me, the White Sox went to the World Series last year and we didn't."

"I was upset and I threw the punch. How would you like to be rejected in front of 43,000 fans?" asked Blanco. "But I'd still try to make it work," said Blanco. Pierzenski wants nothing to do with Blanco or the Cubs. "I want to move on though he does have some of my things in his apartment that I'd like to get back. But honestly I'm afraid for my personal safety."

Blanco stated emphatically that Pierzenski can stop over and pick up some of his clothes but added, "I'm keeping the food processor, the aroma therapy machine, and all the things we bought together."

Pierzenski said later, "Mabye the batter's box was a bad place to break the news."

Peoria, IL -- Parents sent their daughters off the All-World cheerleading competition in Peoria with the dreams off coming back with a first place trophy.

Those dreams were shattered when an underground terrorist organization kidnapped several cheerleaders from the Kokomo High School team. Police released only skeletal information about the kidnapping saying only that, "a radical group calling themselves 'Cheering Jihads' are demanding the only Islamic cheerleading squad take home the first place trophy or else the kidnappers will have their pom-pom cut off."

Terrorist expert Randy Rascone said, "We've never dealt with a radical cheerleader group so all I can say is we're taking their threats seriously. They obviously mean business and will stop at nothing to have their demands met." However Rascone did say, "I believe the leader of the group probably just wants these girls to shake about in scantily clad cheerleading outfits for his own sexual gratification."

A cheerleading mother begged the group not to cut off the pom-poms. She said, "You hear of these awful things happening and you never think it's going to happen to you."

USA's Chris Bosh fights off Sengalese defender. "These guys are used to fighting for food. If you could eat a basketball, we would have been toast," said Bosh.

New York, NY -- Newly acquired running back Kevin Barlow insists that 49ers coach Mike Nolan is "a dictator like Adolph Hitler." Barlow was recently traded to the Jets and left San Francisco with some strong feelings.

Barlow added, "No he's worse than Hitler, he's like Stalin, Idi Amin, and Saddam Hussein all rolled into one. I'll bet he's got weapons of mass destruction hidden in his basement." Barlow's comments prompted the Bush administration to add Mike Nolan and the San Francisco 49ers to the list of rogue states that includes Iran and North Korea.

President Bush told reporters at a press conference that "Mike Nolan must be stopped. Mike Nolan is an enemy of freedom. The only way to stop the 49ers is to build a democracy in the city by the bay."

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld said the U.S. Air Force could conceivably bomb San Francisco into submission in a few days and replace Nolan with mabye a nicer coach like Marty Mourningwig or Jim Fassel. We've got to move against dictators wherever they are and snuff them out."

Former Cuban unemployed strongman Fidel Castro said, "I'd love to coach the 49ers and I'm a nice guy. Players love me."

Los Angeles, CA -- Who says "success isn't everything it's cracked up to be?" USC football coach Pete Carroll may have to spend this football season putting together the puzzle of his life rather than the puzzle of opposing team defenses.

Carroll, who has led USC to five straight winning campaigns, is said to have let himself go. An unnamed assistant coach said, "Pete's all about booze, broads, and bimbos. Just look at him. His hard partying life style is aging him. He's going straight to hell. But man, the guy can score with chicks."

Carroll insists that "I'm not as old as I look. I'm sorry young coeds dig me and want to get drunk with me. Sometimes I can't help myself."

"Pete needs a program to get his priorities back in order," said addictions specialist Consuela Counselor. Carroll responded, "Why is it when I'm getting drunk and laid by women half my age, all of a sudden I have a problem? Let's be serious, I'm a lucky bastard to be Pete Carroll."

In a recent photo, it's clear to see that fast living is catching up to Carroll.

Columbus, OH -- We're working hard to keep Maurice Clarett out of Jockweb news but he insists that we continue to pay attention to him.

Clarett told Jockweb insider Harve Toohandal that "Maurice can add lots of firepower to an NFL offense, but all I get from the football teams is prejudice." There have been reports that Clarett has ties to Israeli organized crime and there may be the possibility that he is in debt to several underworld figures.

We think Maurice can help an offense or an offensive. Since Clarett has ties to Israel, why not put him on the first team for the Lebanon offensive. With Maurice's good speed, shifty moves, and some automatic weapons, Hezbollah might look like the 49er defense.

Clarett asked if we wanted to see his collection. We naively assumed they were trading cards.

Los Angeles, CA -- Former NFL first round draft bust Freddie Mitchell has finally turned his career around.

After being cut by several pro teams, Mitchell has finally landed a job with Winky's Market. Mitchell will be the number two bagger in the Fresno store. Winky's General Manager Clint Onphants said, "We're excited to have someone of Freddie's caliber on our staff. With a little experience, he could work his way up to number one bagger."

Mitchell has insisted that he "just needs a chance to show what I can do." He's confident that he'll be able to show the Eagles, Chiefs, and Cowboys that they made a big mistake cutting him. He added, "I'm happy to be a part of the Winky team and you ain't heard the last of Freddie."

Islamabad, Pakistan -- Millions of Pakastanis took to the streets of Islamabad yesterday to prove that cricket is as exciting as, well, war.

After a bad call in a match between England and Pakistan, some international sports observers said things like "Cricket blows" and "Cricket really blows" and "Getting blown is more fun than cricket." Comments like these incensed Pakistani fans.

Hazeem Ulator said, "We will show you that if you don't say cricket is a game that doesn't blow, we will blow you up." Sports journalist Kasey Kaseem said, "In what other sports can you mobilize a whole country to war over one bad call." Kaseem was referring to the Austrailian official who accused the Pakistani bowler of "doctoring the cricket ball." The Pakistani team walk off the field in protest and shortly after the nation's guns were drawn. Kaseem added, "It would very interesting if New York reacted the same way to pine tar on A-Rod's bat."

There are no hot cheerleaders in cricket so we agree that cricket does indeed blow.

East Rutherford, NJ -- Those of us who hate waiting in long lines to relieve ourselves at sporting events can now breathe a little easier.

In what is being called the greatest advancement in urinal technology in the last fifty years is now making it's way to a stadium near you. The new "Piss and Giggle" urinal from Tinkle Technologies promises to reduce stadium pee lines by 50%.

The urinals are self-flushing and studies show that only 1 out of 10 men will leave their seat to use the "P&G" stalls.

"If you're happy and you know, unzip your fly, if you're happy and you know it, then your size will really show it, if you're happy and you know it..."

Minneapolis, MN -- Just several days after Vikings receiver Koren Robinson was released on bail for a drunken driving charge, Minneapolis residents aren't taking any chances.

The citizens of Minneapolis have spoken and they're saying, "as long as Koren's a Viking, we're staying home." Long-time resident Norv Gadmundsen explained, "It's sort of like a ghost town but frankly I'd rather be safe in my home and drive knowing Koren is on the loose."

Robinson was philosophical about the whole incident. "It's like I'm Hurricane Katrina. I just sort of shut down the whole town. You could say that Koren Robinson is environmentally friendly since no one's burning gas and polluting the air," said the proud Viking.

President Bush said that Koren Robinson could be a piece to the energy puzzle. "We're saving lots of fossil fuel by letting Koren on the street," Bush told reporters. "So we have less dependence of foreign oil sources. And I got his autograph."

There was absolutely no traffic this weekend in Minneapolis. Gas prices tumbled to 56 cents a gallon.

Dallas, TX -- Heavyweight boxer Evander Holyfield took a microscopic step to regaining his championship belt by pummeling a hand-picked opponent.

Holyfield battered the hapless Jeremy Bates a 44 year-old balding insurance salesman. Bates never threw a punch or even got his gloves up to defend himself. The Bates corner claimed that Bates was coming to the ring to review some of Holyfield's life insurance policies. His manager from the Knoblach Insurance Agency say that, "Jeremy had no idea he was getting in the ring with Holyfield."

"Imagine my surprise when he came after me and started brutally beating me about the face and neck," said Bates from his semi-coma. "I've always tried to give Evander good service and financial advice and I can understand the some of his cash value might be understated but did he have to give me a brain contusion?"

The fight, though one-sided, brings Holyfield back in the public eye. "People will pay money to see me beat up insurance salesmen because everyone wants to beat up insurances salesmen," said the satisfied Holyfield. "And let me tell you, stay out of fixed rate annuities. With interest rates going up, I'm stuck with some lousy low interest insurance products."

Bates later said he did not plan to broach to subject of Evander's car insurance where he been placed into the 'assigned risk' category.

WITH TAILGATE SEASON APPROACHING, YOU'LL WANT THE NEW MICHAEL JACKSON GRILL!

Chicago, IL -- Phil Mickelson was hot under the collar after losing several strokes missing easy birdies down the stretch of today's second round of the PGA championship.

Mickelson said that throughout the round Tiger Woods kept distracting him with pictures of his model wife. "Tiger just kept pestering me all day with things like, 'Hey you want to see some hot shots of my hot model wife," Mickelson explained.

The continuous pestering by Woods threw Mickelson off of his game. "I've got a pretty hot wife too," said Mickelson, "but I have to admit she's a hog compared to Lady Tiger." Woods flashed a picture of his wife at Mickelson despite his objections. Mickelson shanked seven straight shots.

"It just a little psychology technique I picked up. It works every round," explained Woods. "How do you think I win all these tournaments?"

Question for Tiger: You got a billion dollars and this lovely and you're on the golf course?

Washington, DC -- Marion Jones failed her initial doping test at the U.S. national championships in June according to unidentified sources.

The five-time Olympic medalist tested positive for testosterone at the event in Indianapolis. "I'm gonna level with you," said Jones, "the tests are accurate but and this is where it's gets a little funky, but I accidentally drank Floyd Landis' urine. Don't ask me how it happened but that's the God's honest truth."

Forensic physician Dr. Kal Weidmen said, "It a simple enough mistake to make. People accidentally ingest urine all the time. And oftentimes I have seen people drink it intentionally and that's really sick. But Marion had the guts to admit it."

Studies reveal that most people can't distinguish one urine sample from another so it's very plausible that Jones could have ingested the Landis' urine thinking she was ingesting Barry Bonds',

Cleveland, OH -- Boxing promoter Don King said that he was tired of hearing about the death of boxing in America.

"I'm sick of all this talk that there are no good American fighters and that all we promote are lame East Europeans," said the wildly coiffed King. King's thinks his latest protege Nat Pickles has a chance to establish American dominance in the fight game.

"Nat is going to remind fans of the classic Ali. He's got size, speed, and agility. He might be a little overweight but that because I feed him right off a George Foreman grill, but if you recall Ali was fat there for awhile," explained King.

Pickles in his first professional bout smiled at his opponent. His opponent was lulled into a sense of "Hey isn't this the guy from the 'What's Happening' reruns?" While the opponent was trying to figure out where he recognized Pickles from, Pickles delivered a massive combination, winning the fight in 12 seconds.

This is the guy from "What's Happening?" Rerun. That's where we recognized him from. Yeah it's Rerun.

Dallas, TX -- In a surprise move Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban cut star forward Dirk Nowitzki who led the Mavs to the 2006 NBA Finals.

"I think it's time for a change," said Cuban, "and I was getting sick of that German accent." Cuban added that, "Like the German eastern front during World War II, Nowitzki is soft on defense."

Cuban, who once played for in a middle school intramural league, plans to suit up and play in this year's rotation. "Who ever made the rule that owners can't play? It's my f%^&in money and my f%^&in team and I should be the f%^&in star."

Nowitzki is said to be devastated and plan to return to his native Germany. "I once met Dr. Z from Daimmler-Chrysler. Mabye I can get a job on the Mercedes assembly line."

Cuban playing in a NBA summer league had no points, rebounds, or assist. "No one passed me the ball goddamnit. They're fired too!," he screamed.

AS A WOMAN PASSES HER DAUGHTER'S CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR, SHE HEARD A
STRANGE BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM WITHIN. OPENING THE DOOR, SHE
OBSERVED HER DAUGHTER GIVING HERSELF A REAL WORKOUT WITH A VIBRATOR.
SHOCKED, SHE ASKED: "WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING?"

THE DAUGHTER REPLIED: "MOM, I'M THIRTY-FIVE YEARS OLD, UNMARRIED, AND
THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO
AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE."

THE NEXT DAY, THE GIRL'S FATHER HEARD THE SAME BUZZ COMING FROM THE
OTHER SIDE OF THE CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR. UPON ENTERING THE ROOM, HE
OBSERVED HIS DAUGHTER MAKING PASSIONATE LOVE TO HER VIBRATOR. TO HIS
QUERY AS TO WHAT SHE WAS DOING, THE DAUGHTER SAID: "DAD I'M THIRTY-FIVE,
UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND.
PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE."

A COUPLE DAYS LATER, THE WIFE CAME HOME FROM A SHOPPING TRIP, PLACED
THE GROCERIES ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER, AND HEARD THAT BUZZING NOISE
COMING FROM, OF ALL PLACES, THE LIVING ROOM. SHE ENTERED THAT AREA AND
OBSERVED HER HUSBAND SITTING ON THE COUCH, DOWNING A COLD BEER, AND
STARING AT THE TV. THE VIBRATOR WAS NEXT TO HIM ON THE COUCH, BUZZING
LIKE CRAZY.

THE WIFE ASKED:
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"

THE HUSBAND REPLIED:
"I'M WATCHING FOOTBALL WITH MY SON-IN-LAW."

New York, NY -- Several baseball greats have come back from the dead to testify against Barry Bonds and his alleged use of steroids.

The great Babe Ruth said, "And while I'm back here I think I'll just kick the shit out of George Steinbrenner on general principles." Several of the baseball Hall of Famers urged Congress to take action for the "good of the game." Connie Mack said, "Put Bonds in jail with a cold metal toilet and a 365 pound inmate that hasn't been with a woman in twenty years. That'll teach him not to mess with our glorious pastime."

The Babe added, "Who's the asshole spreading this bullshit that I said, I hit 714 homeruns on hot dogs and beer. Christ, there were no hot dogs. Just booze and whores."

The baseball greats took time to pose for a photograph and then were treated to an 18 inning game between the Rockies and the Diamondbacks. Bob Feller asked, "When the f&^* did they start playing baseball in Colorado and Arizona?" Lefty Grove commented, "18 innings of baseball is like watching two snails have sex. Call me when they're finished."

The baseball greats said that there is no baseball in heaven and as far as they've seen there aren't 72 virgins.

Minneapolis, MN -- Minnesota Vikings receiver Koren Robinson was arrested Tuesday on suspicion of drunken driving and fleeing from police.

Robinson for some reason was driving a school bus detected by police radar as going more than 100mph in a 55 mph zone. He refused to stop and was chased by police for ten miles. Robinson lit the bus on fire and got out and ran away. Police said he was easy to follow, "because he was on fire and was smoking pretty good." Later Robinson tried to tell police, "I was driving fast trying to find a firehouse."

Fortunately there were no children on the bus. Robinson said he was just practicing driving a school bus in case things don't work out with the Vikings. The All-Pro receiver later said, "Man don't drive a bus when it's on fire, it gets pretty f%^&in hot even when you're drunk."

Robinson was arrested, charged with DUI and fleeing the scene of the accident and then released on bail. He then drove himself back to practice. "I've got hurry, I'm like twenty minutes late," said Robinson as he sped off.

Robinson that he was surprised he could get a school bus over 100mph. "Gee I wish I had a bus driver like me when I was a kid," he said.

Detroit, MI -- Ron Artest read a story to children while helping out at a local community center on Wednesday.

Artest spoke to the kids and defended his actions in one of the worst brawls in U.S. sports history. "Someone started trouble and I ended it," explained Artest. "So what I'm saying if someone throws a m%^&*# f%^&ing cup of ice at you, beat the f%^& out him, know what I mean?"

After finishing reading the Dr. Seuss favorite "Horton Hits a Ho," a young 8-year old spilled some of his juice box on the Sacramento Kings forward. Artest jumped from his seat and punched the boy senseless. Former Pacer teammate Stephen Jackson ran from the community center men's room and joined the melee. When camp counselors finally cleared the room, five six year olds, four seven year olds, and several eight year olders were ejected from the children's camp.

Artest and Jackson had to be escorted to a waiting Escalade and taken to a bathroom where they were giving some moist towelettes to wipe off the spilled juices.

Phoenix, AZ -- The Arizona Cardinals held a press conference today to show off their new team uniforms.

"We think it's high time that professional football change it's image," said Cardinal owner Bill Bidwell. "If the NFL wants to capture an international market, we're going to have to adapt."

The Cardinals will sport a bright Asian print matching jersey and pants. Coach Dennis Green said, "I'm excited about the changes. We've got a new stadium, a great running back in Edgerrin James, Matt Leinert's in camp, and now some hot new uniforms."

Cardinal offensive linemen said that opposing linemen won't have any loose material to grab onto, so the uniforms should help with blocking schemes.

Philadelphia, PA -- Former President Bill Clinton was working the broadcast booth the other evening during the Philadelphia Eagles-Cleveland Browns exhibition game.

Clinton, no stranger to a microphone, handled the play by play without a hitch. Unfortunately, the old commander-in-chief couldn't resist his old ways when in the third quarter he tried to make a move on sideline reporter Bonnie Bernstein.

While handling a live microphone, Clinton was heard telling Bernstein that Hilary Clinton "will be out of town this weekend at a filibuster. How about I let you try out my microphone?"

Bernstein was flattered saying that Clinton's advances were a lot more exciting than Joe Theisman's. Later when Hilary confronted Bill about his latest attempt at marital infidelity, Clinton blamed Pat Summerall. He later told reporters, "Looking like Pat is pretty damn convenient. I try to have sex with a woman and when she asks me my name I just say, 'Hey I'm Pat Summerall.' And Pat's too old to remember anything, and Hilary always goes for it."

San Francisco, CA -- A group of angry protesters stood outside the offices of the National Football League's San Franciso 49ers demanding that there be more exhibitionists games.

"Four exhibitionists games are not enough," said 49ers season ticket holder Eddie Sterling. "And further more there's not enough exhibition going on." Sterling and fellow members of "United Exhibitionists" say that the current NFL exhibition games are giving exhibitionists a bad name. Sterling added, "If you gonna exhibit yourself, let everything show and give the fans their money's worth."

NFL coaches have been upset that players are getting hurt in meaningless exhibition games. Sterling agreed with that assessment and stated that was all the more reason to have player parade around the field naked. "Fans want to see naked football players," said Sterling and "they'll pay."

Several exhibitionists demanding more exhibitionist games for season ticket holders.

New York, NY -- The new NFL commissioner did not waste time proving that he acts swiftly and decisively by putting out a contract on cyclist Lance Armstrong.

Armstrong offended the entire football world when he tried to deflect doping allegations against fellow cyclist Floyd Landis. "Floyd's a good guy who never takes drugs. Why don't you go and bother all of those big fat football fags?" asked Armstrong.

Roger Goodell the replacement for Paul Tagliabue immediately defended his players saying, "Okay, they may be big, they may be fat, but I'd say there's only a handful of fags. Either way, I'm offering one million dollars to the person who brings me the testicle of Lance Armstrong."

Several players stepped up and volunteered including to everyone's surprise Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis. "I'll rip his nut right off with my steroid built muscles." Boxer Mike Tyson said, "I might not be in the NFL but I'll eat it for a million bucks."

Goodell had to use this nifty diagram to explain to NFL players where to find the prized Armstrong testicle.

Miami, FL -- The Florida Marlins announced that they will try a novel approach to next year's baseball season by charging their players to play.

Marlin spokesperson Rudd Fischer explained, "We've got a 14 million dollar payroll compared to the 200 million dollar Yankees and we're in the hunt for a wildcard berth. That means we can go lower."

The Marlins believe that there are plenty of players across the country and especially throughout Latin America who would play for free or at least a green card. Fischer added, "We believe that within two years we can win the World Series and charge a registration fee for our players."

Yankee owner George Steinbrenner reacted to the idea by saying, "Oh yeah, well I'll show them. Next year I'm gonna spend 400 million and then let see who has bigger balls."

The Marlins believe they have a nucleus of players that can compete and pay the $50 team registration fee.

Nashville, TN -- New Orleans Saints backup quarterback Adrian McPherson was run over by the Tennessee Titans mascot T-Rac by what witnesses described as "mascot rage."

T-Rac, a lovable furry raccoon character was heading off the field in his customized T-Rac golf cart when McPherson commented that he liked to have the mascot turned into a coat. T-Rac went after McPherson with a vengeance, hitting him broadside, injuring the quarterback's leg.

T-Rac is a 1999 graduate of the Mascot Academy in Athens, Greece and has a history of violent behavior. The Titans official website list T-Rac's hobbies as hunting and eating rotisserie raven and bengal kabobs. "He's a mascot I wouldn't want to corner because he's vicious when threatened," said an anonymous rival mascot.

The NFL office said it was mildly concerned with the recent rise in mascot rage. Last week the San Diego Charger speared an opposing player while riding a white stallion. The Philadelphia Eagles mascot crapped on several car windshields in a parking lot. "I'm not saying it's a epidemic but we've got to get a handle on this thing," said a league spokesperson.

Columbus, OH -- Former Ohio State running back Maurice Clarett was able to turn a bad situation around when he had to be subdued by police during an arrest.

Clarett was stopped by police for carrying several concealed weapons, most notably an AK-47, a grenade launcher, and a pretty slick bazooka. Clarett said that he only carries the weapons for self-defense. "I live in a tough neighborhood and if I made any money from football I'd buy a nuclear weapon," Clarett said.

The troubled Buckeye became belligerent with police and refused to exit his vehicle. Police were forced to use pepper spray on Clarett. However Clarett was eating a burger at the time and said that the pepper spray was adding "some great taste to the burger" and then asked for more.

Police said that the more pepper spray they used the more Clarett liked it. Clarett later said, "I put Tabasco on everything so the more they sprayed the more I liked it." Clarett said he now prefers Tabasco in a spray rather than the messy liquid. "You can get more spray on the sandwich without it dripping out all over the place," Clarett smiled without a napkin.

Tabasco is now available in several flavors and now in the convenient "Clarett spray."

New York, NY -- Former NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue announced that he would be releasing a new book describing some of his most memorable escapades leading professional football for the past fifteen years.

The book titled "I Can Score" details the thousands and thousands of encounters the commissioner had with league cheerleaders. "I was able to go to any city at any time and get any cheerleader I wanted. I had power, money, and fame and I took full advantage of it."

Tagliabue says in the book, "I was able to get away with a lot because people look at me and say, 'Hey this guy looks sort of nerdy,' but when you tell a chick you're the commish, you're golden."

One exciting excerpt explains how Tagliabue was able to get Janet Jackson to show him her other breast after the Super Bowl fiasco several years ago. "I told Janet I'd stop payment on her check unless she showed me the second breast. I had that kind of influence."

Tagliabue described Jackson's second breast as better than the first because, "It completed the set."

MILWAUKIE, WI - As the NFL's only publicly owned team, the Green Bay Packers are taking cost cutting measures to the extreme. Players are being asked to find alternate means of transportation rather than an expensive team bus or chartered plane; Practice at home against the kids is ok; and instead of expensive steroids, the team is being asked to 'hang out with Floyd Landis'.

KNOXVILLE, TN - Aimee Fischer was told she could not compete at the SEC preseason meet held on the campus of the University of Tennessee last Wednesday. The Auburn University student was declared ineligible due to the existence of a 3rd leg; one which competitors see as an unfair advantage.

Typical of modern times, Ms. Fischer's parents have announced a lawsuit claiming discrimination. "My daughter should be allowed to do whatever she wants, no matter how it effects others," said Mr. Fischer.

HOUSTON, TX - It has infected Major League baseball. Once a street pass time, crotch pointing is reaching a national stage. It's simple enough in design. The pointer merely selects a subject, extends the old pointing finger and projects his arm towards the crotch of the subject. The result is an arm, hand and finger working in conjunction to point at another's crotch.

"I didn't know what he was saying," Umpire David Dickisin told Jockweb. "Was my fly down? Did I have camel toe? What?"

Dickisin had none of these, yet had to endure a complete crotch pointing on tv and in front of a baseball crowd of nearly 20,000.

"I don't know why it's fun, it just is," said a ball player who asked to remain anonymous. "Like, you see a crotch and you just point to it. Really breaks up boredom and is great for a laugh."

But MLB is not laughing. Statistics show that the number of incidents has grown this season from 1 per game to just under 7 per game. Harvey Firehead, spokesman for the commissioner's office commented, "We have to protect our umpires, fans and mostly ourselves from frivolous lawsuits," said Firehead. "Crotch pointing will join crying as being banned from baseball."

*actually, Ms. Benson commented, but we're really sick of listening to her. Just shut your mouth and show your boobs, Ms. Benson. It's your only talent. And they're fake. Bitch.

Maurice Clarett arrested again; Receives call from Bengals front office. "He'll fit right in," said an unnamed spokesman, referring to multiple recent arrests by Bengals players.

Headless Gymnast Excels; Takes 3rd place in floor exercise in 'Limb Missing Games'

Donovan McNabb to Compete in Season 2 of 'Who Wants to Be a Superhero; Cites difficulty quarterbacking as reason

HOUSTON, TX - Walk around Texans training camp and you won't see too many Houston Texans. "We're too damn embarrassed," said a source speaking with promises of anonymity. "We just keep screwing up," the quarterback told us after we promised not to reveal his name.

David Carr continued, "...I mean, we really regressed last year. We ended up with the worst record in the league, and then, Reggie Bu..." Carr open wept and could not continue.

Obviously disappointed in the Texans selection of some stiff from NC state over all world back Reggie Bush out of USC, Carr and the rest of the Texans are trying to separate themselves from the franchise.

"My family won't talk to me since I was traded here," says receiver Eric Moulds. "How the hell did we not draft Bush."

On an editorial note, Jockweb empathizes with the Texans situation. We've said from the beginning that we like Bush.

We're not quite sure why Keyshawn Johnson of the Carolina Panthers is in a hot tub with a young man wearing shorts with pink writing on the butt, but rest assured that our Jockweb team of investigators is hard at work to make something up.

KANSAS CITY, MO - Yo, check it. This dude for da Royals was going for a fly, when this motha%^&# in a red Dodge drove right up on his ass. Yo, he be like all grabbin at his leg, cryin' in pain. They had to bring out a stretcher and s%&^ to haul his ass away. Yo, he got f%^&#ed up! Funny s^%^) is they call it a 'Dodge', but he didn't.

Pictured: An un-identified Royals outfielder as he was pelted by the right quarterpanel of a Dodge.

LANCASTER, PA - Despite cries to 'find the real dopers', cyclist Floyd Landis is facing mounting evidence that he did in fact use performance enhancing steroids in order to win the Tour De France.

Landis not only failed a second drug test, but is also demonstrating no interest in the ladies, a sure sign of shrunken testicles. "Without nuts, women become irrelevant," said Jockweb medical advisor Dr. Howie Taiksit.

"You see, without Testosterone driving you, there is no need for conversations with or in any manner dealings with women," explains Taiksit.

Damning Evidence: Landis Doesn't even notice the Bavarian 'Alps' sitting next to him.

Columbus, OH -- Former Ohio State running back and disappointing NFL draft pick Maurice Clarett fired his attorney during his trial on burglary and weapons charges.

Clarett said that he felt his attorneys were dull and boring. "If I'm gonna be in court, I want a cool attorney like Johnny Cochran." Clarett added, "If I get Johnny to represent me, this could be just like OJ's trial."

Clarett was disappointed to find out the Cochran passed on. "That's really inconvenient," said Clarett but "I still want them to try to put a small glove on me and then I'll show them I didn't kill no one."

OJ Simpson commented, "I told you I never killed anyone and see, I knew the killer was still out there."

Clarett said he could prove that he never wore gloves. "I didn't play a down for the Broncos," he protested, "and I'm gonna have me a great trial."

Lytham St. Annes, England -- Michelle Wie walked off the course at Royal Lytham after officials say she "illegally touched moss," and then issued her a two-stroke penalty.

Oakland Raiders receiver Randy Moss denied that he let Wie touch him and officials say if she touched Randy Moss, it would have been a ten stroke penalty. Wie broke one of the oldest rules in golf which states in Section 14 Paragraph 9 "that if there are balls on Moss, don't touch them, call someone with experience to move the balls."

Wie said she was "unfamiliar" with the rules of golf because, I'm only a teenager and I hate reading." But Wie added, "I'm taking the 'Rules of Golf' to the can and I'm reading a little bit every day. It's boring but it helps pass the time when I'm on the can." Wie added, "I was reading the 'History of the Roman Empire' but that's a big ass book to read on the toilet."

Wie said that she's gonna trade in all of her toilet readings for the USGA handbook on the "Rules of Golf."

LANCASTER, PA - 2006 Tour de France winner Floyd Landis appeared outside the home of his mother for an impromptu press conference to reiterate his denial of steroid abuse.

"The levels of synthetic steroids that appeared in my urine are my natural levels...", stated Landis.

Landis has agreed to retake the test, but reminds French officials, "...I already explained about the levels of synthetics in my urine, so lets move on from that, ok?"

LATROBE, PA - Tiger Woods, best known as the talented P.U.O. golfer, is seeing his game rapidly deteriorate since his marriage. The latest blow came this past Wednesday as Woods returned from a local bar, where women are somewhat scantily clad.

"My wife said I'm not allowed to go there anymore," said Woods. "Then she handed me a list of places that I'm not allowed."

Woods admits that his 'masculinity' was removed shortly after the wedding, but was hoping to keep his spine.

No word from Ms. Woods if she intends to allow Tiger to have any kind of fun without her, but wearing Jeans to his father's funeral was a good indication that she remains unquestionably in charge.

NORMAN, OK -- Two University of Oklahoma football players were kicked off of the Sooner team on Wednesday for breaking NCAA rules governing off-season employment.

Quarterback Rhett Bomar and offensive lineman J.D. Quinn were dismissed for working for in non-sanctioned jobs in a car dealership, a clear violation of NCAA student-athlete rules. Specifically the two players were caught trying to sell cars at a Saturn dealer.

Sooner coach Bob Stoopes said, "We extremely disappointed that our two players won't be with us this year but what's even more gut wrenching is that they were caught selling Saturns. I made a mistake buying a Saturn and it's the biggest piece of turd I've ever driven."

NCAA compliance chief Randy Boorman said, "Under normal circumstances we try to give the student-athlete the benefit of the doubt but these two were caught trying to get a Tulsa couple into a 2006 Ion which is clearly a grievous offense."

Both players issued apologies through attorneys. Bomar said, "We're sorry to have disgraced our teammates, our coaches, and our families. We knew that the Saturn is a inferior automobile product but we sold it to unsuspecting suckers nonetheless."

Oklahoma could face possible bowl sanctions for their involvement with pushing Saturns.

LOS ANGELES, CA - Anastacia Entin, Miss Israel, launched a major offense against Gabrielle Bou Rached on stage at the 2006 Miss Universe Pageant. although details on the attack are unclear at this point, Rached was accused of taunting Entin from across her locker room border.

Entin's attack was swift and relentless. Witnesses described her blows as "...coming from the South..." and "...very brutal".

Donald Trump refused to call for a cease-punching; choosing instead to let them settle their difference in the hottest means possible.

PITTSBURGH, PA - Steelers receiver Hines Ward's great game in the 2006 Super Bowl has translated to more than increased endorsements. "I'm getting white women," Ward told jockweb. "and not just chubby brunettes; I'm getting skinny blondes..."

Long considered a prize in the African-American community, white women are now flocking to Ward as his stock as a top level athlete has risen.

Relations expert Dr. Maury Brackle explains that the pecking order is clear. "At the bottom of the barrel are the heaviest and darkest," states Brackle. "The order goes through Asiatic women, to fine african American women like Beyonce, and finally tops off with young, college age model-looking, blonde white women."

Said Ward, "I'm going to Disneyland!" Jockweb investigators have discovered that Disneyland is located approximately 14-16 inches about a young, thin, white woman's knees.

We just realized that in about 40 years, we'll have hundreds of thousands of old
ladies running around with tattoos. The good news is that most of the old men will have cataracts.

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