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BOSOX CONSPIRACY UNRAVELED by: Chris
Riegel
Perhaps those 84 years of cursed existence was too long to wait. So long,
in fact, that perhaps there are some who would go to any lengths to
prevent another 84 years of slipping through the organization's cracks.
This all came to a head Sunday, April 11 as the first conspiracy since the
hated "Black Sox Throwing of the World Series" occurred shy of a century
ago when reports of the Red Sox installing agents in key places across the
league became apparent. This notion was first speculated at Fenway's
championship ring ceremony, where old players were invited back to
participate in the festivities, and of course for their more shadowed
purpose, to debrief their handlers.
Only after promising anonymity under the condition of Marv White, I mean
Marv Black's protection at all costs, did the man breaking the case agree
to interview with Jockweb.
"Yeah, I said it before, I'll say it again," Marv studdered nervously as
his head darted from side to side, New England Clam Chowder steaming from
his pores, "The whole thing with Pedro and the Met's, it's nothing but us
placing an agent at the heart of a rising National League team. He
only didn't want to come to the ceremony because he was told not to.
We can't make it obvious, they are all watching. They are watching
me right now, I can feel it."
This horrifying notion leads this case to LA, where Derek Lowe, the proud
new Los Angeles Dodger, once again has been seen in public adorned with a
Red Sox Jersey. While his teammate Scott Erickson had little problem
with Lowe's nostalgic adornment, not all of his benchmates agree. "I
should smack the sh*t outta him, comin in here all Red Sox-ed out.
This the West Coast! West, West, y'all." Shouts Milton Bradley as I
run for cover under fear for my life.
The truth is, BoSox nation cannot stand another 84 year run, leaving them
to this controversial decision. Placing all of their former valued
players into other organizations in the National League will allow them at
key times to throw games, so that when these franchises do reach the
playoffs or World Series and face Boston, their handlers will activiate
them a la "Manchurian Candidate" style to allow for another Boston
victory.
However, the question still remains, can the Sox surpass the Yankees this
year for their evil plot to be fully hatched? "It doesn't matter,"
retorts Black, "all them guys signed multi-year deals. Time is on
our side. Do you honestly think we are the only franchise to be
doing this? Sorry hunny, but the closet is opened, everyone is doing
this." And just when we thought this sport couldn't use any more
controversy.
Pictured: Former Red Sox pitcher Derek Lowe
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