* The kuna
was introduced in June 1994 after a
transitional period following Croatian
independence in 1991 during which the
Yugoslav dinar was replaced with the
Croatian dinar The exchange rate between
dinar and kuna was 1 kuna = 1000 dinara.
One kuna equals 100 lipa. The word
lipa means "linden" or lime tree.
POLICE INVESTIGATE BARBARO CULT
Wilmington, DE -- A group of 500 Barbaro worshippers gathered yesterday to celebrate his birthday at Delaware Park racetrack.
The event was organized by a group called the "Disciples of Barbaro" included sharing stories and most importantly, "praying to our beloved Barbaro." A spokesperson for the group said, "Those of you who don't worship a horse wouldn't understand." She continued, "It's not that we have too much time on our hands that we can afford a day off to pray to a horse but the truth of the matter is, we've got too much time on our hands."
"I can't let go of Barbaro," said one choked-up member, "and I'll never let him go." Several "Disciples" told stories of how they went to see Barbaro after he died only to find that he had risen from the dead. Frank Oates, a converted Barbaro worshipper, said, "Barbaro appeared to us and told us that there is a lot more racing to look forward to on the other side."
A Wilmington police officer said, "This is a goddamn f%^&ing horse we're talking about. These are f$%^ing horse nuts that we ought to lock up."
The group announced that they would begin plans to build a church so that "we may gather on Sunday's for services befitting our beloved Barbaro."
President Bush, who claims Barbaro has spoken to him, was on hand to help blow out the candles.
MANTLE ROOKIE CARD GOES FOR $160,000
Burr Ridge, IL -- A near perfect 1951 Mickey Mantle rookie card was sold to an Evanston collector for $160,000.
Lionel Carter, an 89-year old collector, purchased the card along with over 50 other items at an auction yesterday. Carter said, "Hey, I'm voting for Jimmy Carter, cause we have the same last name." When told it was 2007, Carter said, "I won't give you a nickel more than 2006, and with that picked up a Pat Burrell rookie card for $2006.
Auction house owner Clive Capper said, "Once we realized that old Lionel's memory has sort of slipped, we realized this was a customer sent by God." Carter bought a cup of tobacco chewed and spitted by legendary Cubs manager Leo Durocher for $12,378. In all, Carter spent his entire retirement savings in less than two hours.
"I think the lesson here for a good businessman is that senior citizens are often an overlooked market," said economist Shakey Spitoon. "But you really can sell them the Brooklyn Bridge," he explained. "In fact, if I find an old geezer with money, I try to sell them two Brooklyn Bridges doubling my profit," smiled Spitoon.
Carter even bought Leo Durocher's teeth for $4,632. Can you see why you should stop chewing tobacco before you've got a major dental problem?
BRADY QUINN HIDES FROM EMBARRASSMENT
New York, NY -- Believe it or not, sometimes the pre-draft hype is just too much for the young NFL prospects waiting to hear whether or not they'll have their chance to launch a pro football career.
Never was this more apparent than on Saturday when, to the surprise of all draft experts, Notre Dame quarterback Brady Quinn fell to the very bottom of Round 1. Quinn was expected to be a high draft pick but was passed over by several teams before he was finally picked up by the Cleveland Browns.
Quinn was said to be despondent when he heard Jamarcus Russell's name before his own. Witnesses said that family members, friends, and lots of hot chicks abandoned Quinn when they found out his stock had fallen. One anonymous groupie said, "If I'm going to be a groupie and let myself be used by an athlete, he'd better damn sure be a top five pick."
Quinn was said to be so embarrassed by the whole fiasco that he slipped out of the draft room and put on a disguise so that no one would recognize him. Quinn did meet with reporter later after he was taking as the 22nd pick and said, "I'm just hoping I can still get laid by just introducing myself as Brady Quinn."
Quinn did manage a smile even after finding out he was going to Cleveland.
OAKLAND FANS SAY GOODBYE TO RANDY MOSS
Oakland, CA -- Thousands of Oakland Raider fans gathered together to pay tribute and say goodbye to wide receiver Randy Moss, who was traded to the New England Patriots over the weekend.
The crowd joined in a mass "mooning" of their beloved receiver. On command the massive crowd dropped their pants simultaneously exposing their bare buttocks for Moss's inspection. Moss, with tears in his eyes, said, "It's not until you stare directly into several thousand assholes that you really appreciate how good you have it."
"Mooning" is traditionally an act of protest and in some cultures it is used to express scorn or disrespect but sometimes people just like to pull their pants down in public because it feels "damn good." A court in Maryland determined that mooning is a form of expression guaranteed protection by the Constitution. Supreme Court Justice Antonio Scallion said, "Mooning is an integral part of the fabric of this society and personally, I love to watch a mass mooning whenever I'm not sitting on the Supreme Court." Scallion added, "Wouldn't it be fun if the Supreme Court mooned the whole country? I'd bet there are some hairy asses that sit on the Court."
Fellow Justice Ruth Batter Ginseng said, "I don't have a hairy ass but I sure as hell would love to moon someone."
Randy Moss told reporters that his favorite "mooning" story from history is the mooning that took place during the Battle of Crecy in 1346. "Several hundred Normandy soldiers exposed their asses to the British and the British shot over a thousand asses with arrows," explained Moss. "I'm a real student of history," said Moss.
Several good sports from the Supreme Court let their hair down and mooned our cameras. Justice Kennedy (left) is in heels.
TENNIS PLAYERS ASKED TO PERFORM
London, England -- The organizers of the Wimbledon Tennis Championships announced that this year's purse will be the largest ever with both the men and women sharing equally in the prize money.
"For the first time in the history of the sport, men and women will be treated equally," beamed Billie Jean King. For years King had fought for equality between the women's and men's games. "This is a banner day for all of tennis."
However, moments later, the Wimbledon brass said that, "If we're paying the women a little more, they're going to have to do a little extra something, if you know what we mean." A. Carter Ferguson, a longtime Wimbledon official said, "For the extra money, we want tennis and some good old fashion female bumping and grinding with good ground strokes." He added, "If we can add some spice to this stodgy old tourney, we think the ratings can go through the roof."
Several players have been busy preparing new routines to be performed at center court between matches. One player purred, "Fasten your seatbelt, we're going for a bumpy ride." She previewed her routine, saying, "This isn't the tennis your daddy watched."
Not the same old game anymore!
JERRY JONES PONDERS DRAFT NEEDS
Dallas, TX -- With the departure of Bill Parcells, Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones announced that he would be handling all draft day decisions.
Jones, sporting a beard and a new toupee, said, "I'm in control this year. This is my team and from here on in I make all the calls." Jones said he'd like to draft a big offensive lineman and then mabye another big offensive lineman.
"The draft is about getting big, fat offensive linemen that no one's ever heard of," explained Jones. "Our job on draft day is to disappoint as many people as possible by drafting a big, fat ugly guy. "But," he added, "remember, football is all about big, fat ugly guys."
Jones spent several weeks in the off-season vacationing with running back Ricky Williams. "Ricky and I just chilled, got in touch with nature, did some yoga, smoked some weed. Now I've got this whole Cowboy thing in perspective. And let me tell you, that yoga shit he was teaching me, really twists you up. It's like having sex with yourself."
Jones quipped, "Look I can kiss my own ass now."
TRANSSEXUAL SPORTSWRITER HAS MAJOR PROBLEM AHEAD
Los Angeles, CA -- A sportswriter for the Los Angeles Times Mike Penner announced in a column yesterday that he is a transsexual person and in a few weeks he'll be writing as Christine Daniels.
For 23 years Penner has written about every sport from baseball to the Olympics but he will go on vacation as a man and come back a woman. However, Penner admitted that he faces a huge problem, "I love ties." Penner has collected over 300 ties as man and asked, "What the hell am I going to do with 300 ties?"
Penner admits that he has received lots of support from family, friends, and colleagues, "but no one wants the ties. And in a few weeks I won't be caught dead in one." Several people suggest that Christine could wear them as headbands at the gym or maybe as a sexual accoutrement. Fashion designer Eves St. Christmas said, "If you just put a tie on a naked woman, you got a fine look going on there."
Penner would like to give the ties to a charity. "I'm sure there are lots of fashioned starved people in the third world who could benefit from 300 ties and it would make me feel like such a good human being," sighed the new Christine.
"Oh yeah, and I won't be needing these jockstraps either," Christine added.
Seriously, try this tonight. Your girlfriend, wife, mistress, or secret transsexual lover naked with a tie. It's like that guy from the Men's Warehouse commercial, "You're gonna like the way you look, I guarantee it."
STONED DOGS ARRESTED IN RAID OF MICHAEL VICK'S HOME
Smithfield, VA -- Police conducting a drug investigation raided a Virginia house owned by Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick and found dozens of dogs in possession of drugs and related paraphernalia.
A State Police detective said that dogs "are chronic drug users who will be charged with drug possession with intent to distribute." More than 60 dogs were found on the Vick property in what investigators say was "a canine drug induced orgy."
Captain Dave Purina said, "When we pulled up they had the music blaring, and all we found were glassy eyed dogs eating brownies, having sex with random partners. It was a goddamn disgrace." According to the police these dogs have been engaged in this behavior along with Vick for years. "We've got to get these animals in rehab," said Dr. Phil Magraw. "Canine drug abuse is rampant and this society better get a handle on it."
Vick said that he's the victim in all of this. "I make a lot of money and I don't even know half of these dogs. Couple of 'em started hanging around getting high and the next thing you know they're bringing all their friends."
Dick Licker, president and CEO of the Humane Society of the United States issued a statement saying, "What's wrong with a society that neglects it's four legged friends? Don't people realize that Grateful Dead records and marijuana use, just plain takes the dog out of dog."
These
mellowed out
critters were too
high to move when
the doorbell rang.
ORIOLES ANNOUNCER BREAKS SCHILLING HOAX; CLINTON JUMPS ON BUS
Boston, MA -- There was no blood, just ink and ketchup on Curt Schilling's socks in the 2004 postseason. That's according to Baltimore announcer Gary Thorne.
On Wednesday, Thorne said that during his broadcast of the Red Sox-Orioles game that Boston backup catcher Doug Mirabelli admitted the whole sock thing was a hoax. "It was painted," Thorne said. "Doug Mirabelli confessed up to it after. It was all for PR."
Later Thorne backed off after speaking with Mirabelli when Mirabelli joked, "I was kidding. Schilling was bleeding like a pig." Thorne later said, "Oh boy, do I feel like a dick." During the same broadcast, Thorne also said that, "The there was no semen stain on Monica Lewinsky's dress." Thorne claimed that Lewinsky used some ink and ketchup on her dress and claimed she had sex with then President Clinton and then pitched for Boston in the postseason.
Former President Clinton said, "Thank God for Gary Thorne, I did not have sex with that woman after she pitched in the postseason." Monica Lewinsky commented, "I had stains on my dress, on my socks, and my mitt. Bill is one sexed up ex-President."
Clinton added, "I did not have sex with this man and that stain on his shirt is really ketchup."
CBS REFUSES TO AIR JOHN DALY AD FOR MAXFLI
New York, NY -- CBS is refusing to use a commercial that shows tour professional John Daly drinking a beer on a public golf course.
The commercial for Maxfli golf balls features Daly and three of his drunk pals passed out on the ground, with a caption, "Let's forget the golf and get totally wasted." A Maxfli spokesperson said, "We're trying to establish that Maxfli is the good-time golf ball."
"It did not meet the standards of our advertisers on our network," said the CBS spokesperson. The Maxfli folks disagreed. "John Daly is a party animal and drinks til he passes out," said Gerb Fundip, Maxfli's Director of Marketing. "And if you use our product you might say to yourself, 'I suck at golf,' mabye I ought to drink til I pass out."
Daly, himself, managed to slur his objection to the criticism of the spot by saying, "Those Maxipads are best goddamn things to wax your car with."
Save
yourself a lot of
frustration by not going
golfing and waxing the
car with some Maxipads.
BC WOMEN'S HOCKEY COACH CANNED FOR NAUGHTY TEXT TALK
Boston, MA -- Boston College announced that the women's hockey coach's contract was terminated yesterday after an investigation revealed that Coach Tom Mutch had an improper relationship with a freshman player.
Mutch, who guided the team to the NCAA Frozen Four, denied any wrongdoing. But school officials said that they had text messaging records that revealed otherwise.
Allegedly Mutch wrote several suggestive text messages to players with things like, "Stop icing me and let me into you penalty box," and "How would you like a ride on my Zamboni?" Mutch said that he and the players in question, were working on a charity event, "with Arkansas football coach Houston Nutt." (a reference to a similar event in Arkansas).
Mutch spoke to reporters and defended himself saying, "Oh, I thought I was the Hickey* Coach." School officials admitted they could understand the confusion because in Boston "hockey sounds like hickey."
Jockweb actors re-enact improper hickey advances by the BC coach.
*For those of you not familiar with a hickey, you find someone, suck on their neck for a few minutes. Then they get this red mark on their neck, and then the next day everyone says, "EEEEWWWWW you've got a hickey on your neck." If you get to the hickey stage of a relationship, you're just being stalled with some moaning and heavy breathing. Cut immediately to the chase if you catch our drift. (Webster's 2007 American Dictionary)
U.S. OLYMPIC COMMITTEE EXCHANGES ATHLETES WITH IRAN
Denver, CO -- In a bold diplomatic move that is the essence of the Olympic Games spirit, the USOC (United States Olympic Committee) entered into an "exchange of athletes agreement" with Iran.
Iran President Momood Ababababam-bingbong announced the good news to a throng of about 2 million Iranians. The crowd celebrated this new era of cooperation between the two nations by hanging and and burning several U.S. athletes.
"Really, we're really nice guys," said Ababababam-bingbong. "Like when we blow someone up, that means we like you," he added.
Iranian wrestlers, rowers, runners, and archers will train in the U.S. for the 2008 Beijing Olympics, while U.S. athletes will do the same in Tehran. Ababababam-bingbong explained, "We got some pretty nifty training drills. Like if we give you ten seconds to get away before we kill you, we really see athletes get a lot faster."
The Iranian athletes who arrived in Denver did some initial sightseeing but got down to business immediately. One athlete strapped on a pair of skis and said, "I love this skiing event with a rifle." When the athlete was told that the Biathlon is a Winter Olympic event, he said, "Not anymore!"
Former Presidential candidate John Kerry had a fun game of touch football with some of the newly arriving Iranians.
THIS DAY IN SPORTS: April 25, 1962
Cassius Clay, (later Muhammad Ali) auditioned for the television program "The Little Rascals." At the time, Clay was considering a career change from boxing into TV. His audition consisted of one line, "Oh Spanky, I think we're in big trouble." Unfortunately, during the audition Clay delivered the line, "I'm gonna whup Spanky then I'm gonna whup Alfalfa, and then I'm gonna whup Joe Frazier." At the time the producers wanted to go another direction with the character. Clay did not get the part, changed his name, and the rest is boxing history.
We never believed Ali would have been a convincing "Buckwheat."
GOOD NEWS: NO STABBING IN NORTHERN COLORADO SPRING GAME
Greeley, CO -- The Northern Colorado spring intrasquad scrimmage went off without a hitch on Saturday and no one was stabbed.
Head coach Barth Biffel expressed relief. "If you recall, we've usually got a competitive punting situation where several guys really want to punt for us." Biffel was referring to last year's incident where backup punter Mitch Cozad stabbed first stringer, Rafael Mendoza in Tonya Harding like incident.
Biffel said, "A couple of the punters brought baseball bats but fortunately no knives. And the punters were really striking the ball nicely. It was a spirited event."
However several players were shot during a scuffle at the Gatorade cooler. A third string defensive back tried butting up in line but was unsuccessful when three punter opened fire on him filling him with thirty rounds. Ned Tooley, the injured player, said from the back of the ambulance, "I guess I learned my lesson about butting ahead of the starters."
Coach Biffel said, "It wasn't a stabbing, thank God, but it was still, good fun."
You just don't piss off a Northern Colorado punter.
DOUG COLLINS, BILLY IDOL, THE SAME PERSON?
New York, NY -- Former NBA coach and television analyst Doug Collins shocked the sports world yesterday when he revealed, "I'm Billy Idol."
For years Collins has been living a "dual life" and he said, "It was time to kill the charade." Collins said there was a great deal of pressure on him to be a "satanic, hyper-sexual punk rocker one moment, and a mediocre, stuffed suit of a coach the next."
Collins started experimenting with music and drugs when during his playing days with the Sixers. "It wasn't until I realized that I could get more babes as a rock star than as an NBA analyst, that I became hooked." Collins said, "being Billy Idol has taken it's toll." He added, "The drugs, the groupies, the body piercings, just wore me out."
Fellow broadcaster Marv Albert expressed surprise at the announcement. "I got suspicious with the bleached hair but never did I think that Doug could make it happen on 'Rebel Yell.' To tell you the God's honest truth, punk rockers kind of turn me on. I'm hoping Doug will let me bite him in the buttocks."
When asked who he liked in the playoffs, Collins said, "The Doug part of me is naturally rooting for my old team the Wizards, but the Idol part of me likes that punky looking Steve Nash."
Collins will call game two of the Mavs-Warriors contest and perform "White Wedding" at halftime.
MICKELSON LEAVES COACH FOR ANOTHER IN UGLY BREAKUP
Phoenix, AZ -- Phil Mickelson announced that he is leaving his longtime golf coach Rick Smith to begin a relationship with renowned teacher, Butch Harmon.
Mickelson and Smith
were together for
over twenty years
and observers close
to the situation
describe Smith as,
"devastated." Smith
said through tears,
"It started out
after an errant
drive on the
18th at the U.S.
Open last year at
Winged Foot. Phil
became distant,
uncommunicative but
I never thought
there was someone
else."
It is believed that Mickelson met Harmon on the internet. "We met in an internet chat room," explained Mickelson. "I was new to the whole chat room thing, and I was just seeing what was out there, never thinking I would meet someone," continued the left hander.
Mickelson went to Smith and told him he wanted to go in a new direction in his life. "I asked Rick for understanding and support at this difficult juncture but understandably, Rick feels betrayed."
Smith said, "You give someone the best years of your life and in the click of a mouse they meet someone else." Smith vowed that he's not going to make it easy for Mickelson. "We all know Phil curls up under pressure, and this is just the beginning," added Smith.
Mickelson and Smith during happier times.
JOCKWEB'S "FRED COLLINGDALE AT-LARGE" :
FRED TALKS ABOUT HIS AUCTION WOES
Yesterday, the Mrs. and me fired up the old Taurus and headed to NYC and the Hard Rock Cafe for a really hip musician's auction to benefit hurricane victims. My wife Flem, just loves auctions. So we get there and the first item up for auction is a "Les Paul" guitar and supposedly it was the favorite guitar of that guy in U2, The Edge.
The Mrs.' eyes light up though she can't even play a gazoo and she elbows me and says, "Come on Freddy, let's nab it." I figure I'll start the bidding at ten and how much can it go to...a hundred? Try $240,000. I crapped my pants. I turn to Flem and say, "For $240,000 you oughta get the guitar and some sex from "The Edge." But here we are at the auction and we've got to bid or else there's no point coming to an auction. Flem says to me, since I don't play guitar, can I just get the sex?" This just puts me in overdrive, since all I do is try to please Flem and now it seems she's got her eyes on "The Edge." And the guy wears sunglasses and a hat all the time and I say, "Is he gonna take off the sunglasses and the hat if you have sex with him?" Flem has a fit. I have a fit. Flem yells, "He's a goddamn rock star, I could do a lot worse." I screamed, "you want to spend $240,000 for a guitar you can't play and some sex with a guy in sunglasses. Christ if you want to have sex with someone in sunglasses, I can probably get Stevie Wonder for about a grand." We get kicked out of the auction for screaming.
Now where do we go? Still have the whole day to kill and auction money burning a hole in my pocket. Fortunately we stumbled on the Jean Strahan garage sale in Montclair, NJ. Jean is divorcing Giant's defensive end, Michael Strahan and she was clearing out the garage. So we go over and I get a hellava nice weedwacker for $22. It's rechargeable and you don't have use those hundred foot extension cords which really are a pain in the ass when you're weedwacking. So I say to Jean Strahan, "$22 for a weedwacker? Do I get sex with you too?" Jean didn't appreciate my comment. Nor did Flem. Or Michael for that matter. Jean, Flem and Michael beat the crap out of me. But I've got a hellava weedwacker for $22.
Despite the divorce, I couldn't believe Michael Strahan would liet this weedwacker go for $22.
RICK MAJERUS TO COACH ST. LOUIS U. ; "I AM A BILLIKEN," HE REVEALS
St. Louis, MO -- Long time college coach Rick Majerus is coming out of retirement to possibly coach the St. Louis University basketball team.
Majerus, who found great success at the University of Utah, left coaching after being forced to become a Morman. "I had twenty-two wives and there just wasn't time for x's and o's, if you know what I mean," explained Majerus.
But since leaving Utah, Majerus got rid of the wives, came back to Catholicism, and now wants to coach again. He told Jockweb, "Believe me, that 22 wife gig is a hellava lot of fun but it's really complicated on Christmas morning." St. Louis officials set their sight on Majerus because, "we're the St. Louis Billikens and Rick looks like a Billiken."
University President Reverend Peter Chubb said, "We never knew what the hell a Billiken is," said Father Chubb. "But sure as shit, Rick's the spitting image of one."
Majerus said, "All my
life people have come up to me and said
things like, you look like
something but I can't quite tell you
what. And then I'll say, 'A Billiken?'
and they say, 'Yeah, you look just like
a Billiken.' "
"I am a goddamn Billiken," exclaimed
Majerus, "and damn proud of it!"
Which is the real Rick Majerus?
"THE MEL KIPER JR. COMPANION" JUST RELEASED BY JOCKWEB PRESS
Jockweb HQ -- The long awaited book, "The Mel Kiper Jr. Companion," by Mel Kiper's mother Kippy Kiper, was released yesterday by Jockweb Press, a division of Jockweb Worldwide.
Jockweb Press president, Cuffy Link said, "Finally the follow-up to the very successful "Mel Kiper, Who Is He And What The Hell Is He Talking About." Kiper, once an obscure short order cook, rose to national prominence as the ESPN NFL Draft prognosticator. Mrs. Kiper explains in the prologue that from the time Mel was a toddler, "he dreamed of being a prognosticator. In fact, in school Mel would often get in trouble for checking people's prognostics."
One childhood friend recalls, "Mel would put on a pair of rubber gloves and check out your prognostic. He was gentle but thorough."
New York Times book reviewer Storman Sailer said, "For years I had not idea what Mel Kiper Jr. was talking about. Now with 'The Mel Kiper Jr. Companion,' I still have no idea what he's talking about. But I'm over 50 and it's probably time to get my prognostic checked."
Mel Kiper Jr. in his younger days working with his original prognosticator's equipment.
JOCKWEB OUT AND ABOUT:
YESTERDAY WAS A PRETTY BORING DAY IN SPORTS SO WE WENT CELEBRITY HUNTING. WE WERE FORTUNATE ENOUGH TO CATCH UP WITH ONE OF THE OLSEN TWINS. THEY'VE BEEN OUT OF THE NEWS AWHILE AND THEY SEEMED ANXIOUS ABOUT FALLING "OLSEN TWIN" DVD SALES. WE FORGOT THEIR NAMES AND WHICH ONE WAS WHICH AND WE DIDN'T WANT TO LOOK STUPID BY ASKING, 'WHAT'S YOUR NAME?' BECAUSE THAT WOULD OF KILLED THE WHOLE CELEBRITY HUNTING ASPECT OF IT IF WE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THE CELEBRITY'S NAME. BUT THE ONE, WHATEVER HER NAME IS, WAS GRACIOUS ENOUGH TO GIVE US AN INTERVIEW. HERE IS A SMALL EXCERPT:
JW: Are you eating okay?
OT (Olsen Twin): You want to buy me lunch?
JW: Whoa babe, who's got the billion dollar through the roof video sales?
OT: I'd probably just want to throw up lunch anyway.
JW: Were you traumatized on that show, "Full House?"
OT: I'm in therapy for PTBAS (Post Traumatic Bad Acting Syndrome).
JW: Is Bob Saget as big of dick in person as he is on that show?
OT: He's been like a really superficial, syrupy, lacking in depth and truth, stand up comedian turned really, really shitty actor, bad funniest video host, father to me.
JW: That's touching. We agree, Bob is an icon of American cinema.
OT: What's an icon? Sorry, I've got go put my fingers down my throat.
Remember when everyone
thought the Olsen Twins would turn out
hot? Whoa, were we WAY off on that
one?
JOCKWEB ANNOUNCES PARTNERSHIP WITH ARKANSAS' HOUSTON NUTT
Fayetteville, AK -- Jockweb CEO Shecky Sheckstein announced today that Jockweb Worldwide will lend their resources as a large multimedia communications conglomerate to assist Arkansas football coach Houston Nutt.
After allegations surfaced about Nutt's private life where there is speculations and rumors that the coach had an inappropriate relationship with Arkansas television reporter, Nutt asserted, "I have not had sexual relations with that woman."
Under the Freedom of Information Act, a local newspaper reported that Nutt text messaged Bragg 1,063 times and phoned here 25 times between November and January. Nutt claims the two were working on a charity foundation together and that the heavy communication was restricted to philanthropic cooperation.
Sheckstein immediately rose to Nutt's defense. "Who among us has not lusted after nookie and tried with secret technology to engage in some crafty hanky panky?" Sheckstein added, "Jockweb is going to get behind Houston Nutt even if Houston Nutt is behind someone else. AND you can take that to mean any number of things. Use your imagination!"
In addition, Jockweb will help with a telethon for Nutt's "Helpmegetlaid" Foundation. Sheckstein added that each year the "Helpmegetlaid" Foundation helps thousands of men get laid, "who typically would have to take the problem into their own hand."
Last year the foundation was able to help this man and thousands just like him.
PACMAN JONES SENDS APOLOGY THROUGH JOCKWEB
Nashville, TN -- Suspended Tennessee Titan Pacman Jones contacted Jockweb yesterday and ask, "Hey, can you publish an apology for me?" After consultation with advisors, Jockweb CEO Shecky Sheckstein agreed to publish the public apology. Below is an excerpt from the Jones communication to Jockweb:
"Dear Fans,
"I didn't do nothing. The motherf$%^ers are picking on me. I didn't f%^&in shoot no motherf$%^ers and I ain't never been f$%^in arrested. The motherf$%^ers are out to get my f$%^in ass. Okay? We cool with that? Now can you lift that motherfu$%^in suspension so I can get my motherf$%^in money. Thanks!
Pacman"
Editor's Note: We at Jockweb were both touched and moved by Pacman's genuine, heartfelt letter. We appeal to the NFL office for leniency. Give us back the pleasure of having Pacman restored to full status.
SAN ANTONIO HOLDS MASSIVE PRO-DUNCAN RALLY
San Antonio, TX -- The city of San Antonio loves their basketball team, the Spurs. Never was their loyalty more apparent than yesterday when over 100,000 people turn out for a rally in support of forward Tim Duncan.
Duncan, who was ejected from a game the other night by veteran referee Joey Crawford, expressed gratitude. During the ejection Crawford called out Duncan to fight him. Crawford was later suspended for his actions by NBA commissioner David Stern.
"They're the best fans in the country," said Duncan, "and check out those penises." Duncan was referring to the hundreds of fans who donned large penis outfits.
Stern commented, "I wouldn't go as far as saying Joey Crawford is a dick, because I'm the commissioner and it wouldn't look good if I called someone a dick. But if people want to dress like a penis and suggest someone's a dick, then I say, hooray first amendment."
Crawford, who was reached for his comments, said, "I'll take on the whole damn town of Spurs fans and we'll just see who's the dick."
Did Spurs fans cross the line? That's a little exaggerated for a white guy, isn't it?
GOLF HALL CALLS GREEN, STRANGE
Savannah, GA -- In a mixup yesterday, the Golf Hall of Fame yesterday called Green, Strange as they announced the elected 2007 names.
Immediately, eyebrows were raised with confused reporters. Wink Ilidder explained, "When they said Green, Strange, I'm asking are they saying Green is Strange?"
Inductee Hubert Green, who was in the audience, said, "I'm a little eccentric, boisterous maybe, but Strange? That makes me sound like a pervert or something." He added, "Let's not make this personal."
Golfer and fellow inductee Curtis Strange observed, "Had they called Strange, Green, that also could have been interpreted several ways." "Strange, Green could be puke or something," added Strange.
Green added, "This is the kind of thing that makes me glad I have a first name. Think about it. If I was just Green, it would like Madonna or Bono. It must really be challenging just to have one name."
Strange added, "Yeah I'm glad I have a first name too. If I was just Strange then I'd be just Strange."
This is Strange Green. It's strange, green and we don't know what the hell it is or what the above story is about. We suspect pure writer's fatigue.
PHILLIES' MANUAL BLOWS GASKET
Philadephia, PA -- Philadelphia Phillies manager Charlie Manual lost his temper in a post-game press conference and called out a radio talk show host, with who he has had an ongoing feud.
Manual became annoyed when WIP radio personality Howard Eskin asked Manual "why do the Phillies suck so bad?" Manual replied, "Because we suck so bad." Eskin said, "Yes, but why do they suck sooooo baaaaaad." Manual became annoyed with the extra o's and a's in "sooooo baaaaaad" that he asked Eskin if he wanted to fight.
Eskin, who told reporter later that the last fight he was in was with a bad case of athlete's foot, quickly took refuge in a closed locker. Manual fuming tried to take a swing at Eskin but missed hitting pitcher Brett Myers wife by mistake.
Kim Myers, who was hit by more than husband Brett's fastball, laughed off the whole incident. "Don't worry about me," joked Kim, "I'm used to this kind of thing. You know what they say, 'take one for the team.' "
Myers later was able to open the locker and pummel sportscaster Eskin. "It felt good to beat up a talk-radio host," she said.
We had never seen a blown gasket up close but here's one. Change your oil and filter every three thousand miles.
YOUNG NOT AFRAID OF MADDEN CURSE
Nashville, TN -- Tennessee Titan quarterback Vince Young said that he was not going to sit around and worry about the supposed "Madden Curse," which is rumored to affect all football players whose photograph is used on the cover of the "Madden '07 NFL" video game.
Young laughed as he wiped dog feces from his shoe saying, "I saw that pile of dog shit a mile away. I stepped in it on purpose." Moments later Young walked under a ladder only to have a cinderblock fall on his head. He laughed again, "I get hit harder than that every Sunday."
Young said just to proved that the curse is nonsense, "I'm going to have sex with twenty crack whores and not use a condom. When I'm done, I'm going to ride on the back of a motorcycle driven by Ben Roethlisberger. After that I'm going to a strip club with Pac Man Jones and I'm going to call him a pussy while he holds a high caliber gun. Then I'm going to play four quarters with the Houston Texan offensive line. When I'm done, I'm going to drive a bus in the West Bank with twenty Arabs with back packs. And then to top it off, I'm going to eat at Taco Bell."
The rookie of the year is confident that after all said and done, he'll perform better in 2007 than he did in 2006 when he led the Titans to the best turnaround of any NFL team. "Bad luck? Ain't no such thing," said Young. He then pulled his trousers down and asked, "See this thing on my pecker? You think that's normal?"
Madden curse? "Phooey," says Vince Young.
JUDGE SIDES WITH GUNMAN IN PEE-WEE FOOTBALL CASE
Philadephia, PA -- A judge threw out charges against a parent who pulled a large caliber handgun on a coach at a pee-wee football game last October in Northeast Philadelphia.
Judge Herb Vallanchez asked the question, "Why are five and six year olds playing tackle football? Can I see the gun please?" When the bailiff handed the gun to Vallanchez, he brandished the gun and said to the coaches and parents, "Five and six year olds watch Public Television on Saturday mornings, not tackle football."
He then dressed down the coach saying, "Don't you have some home repairs to do? Leave those poor f^&*ing kids alone." The judge told the parent and the coach, "On second thought, why don't I put you all in jail for a couple of years, until the kids are old enough to get away from you."
Vallenchez then sentenced both to two years in jail in his words, "just for being assholes."
Why would you let this five year old play tackle football on Saturday morning?
SENATORS' FORWARD SITS OUT WITH "HEADACHE"
Ottawa, Canada -- Ottawa Senators forward Patrick Eaves will not play in tonight's playoff game against Pittsburgh because of a severe headache.
Eaves said he has had a very bad headache since being hit very hard into the boards by Pittsburgh's Colby Armstrong in Game 3 on Sunday evening.
However, Eaves' wife isn't buying the headache excuse. "He hardly got touched," she said. "Lately it's just been this headache thing over and over again. Every night, he just rolls over and says 'Not tonight honey, I have another headache.' It's getting old."
Eaves claims the headaches are real but has agreed to go to counseling. Marriage expert Richard Simmons said, "I'd love to get my hands on a hockey player, headache or no headache. Sometimes I just like to wear a pair of figure skates with nothing else on. Isn't that kinky?"
NHL commissioner Gary Bettman said, "Richard Simmons, nude with figure skates? That could boost attendance."
"Give me a Senator with a headache anytime," said Simmons.
