JockWeb Sports Source

New York, NY -- The International Olympic Committee announced today that it was investigating allegations against the North Korean skating team for illegal performance tactics.

Key investigator Rols Rolstag said in a prepared statement, "We believe Koreans are using illegal gas to gain speed." Korean speed skaters achieved speeds in Torino greater than any of their previous attempts. "Anal gas is a no-no," continued Rolstag, "for obvious safety reasons."

Rolstag believes that the Koreans digest cans and cans of baked beans before a race. Naturally greater than normal amounts of gases are generated. "By tightening the anal sphincter muscle for several minutes and then letting go, a huge amount of energy is released propelling the skater with a tremendous advantage."

Korean skating coach Noh Koo Young said, "Koreans don't like baked beans, we never even ate baked beans, you've got us confused with Texans." Several skaters from other countries said that on several occasions, the Korean skaters seemed to be shot from a cannon."

The IOC said the investigation will continue because "something smell rotten but it ain't in Denmark."

In a what is called the buddy system, the skater behind helps tighten the anal opening, increasing gas pressure, When pressure is released, the front skater is propelled like a rocket.

New York, NY -- Barry Bonds took a detour from chasing Hank Aaron's home run record by going on a steroid rampage and tearing up the streets of New York city.

Bonds, who has consistently denied using performance enhancement substances, screamed, "no one likes me or understands what it's like to be Barry."

Evidently, the negative press the Bonds has received, acted on him to force him to his breaking point. Bonds walked down Fifth Avenue picking up cars and tossing them one way and another. Spectators were awed by his feats of strength. Police were unable to subdue him but nonetheless pursued him to the base of the Empire State Building.

Bonds climbed to the top of the building, "just to get away from the press!" Mayor Ron Bloomberg called in the Air National Guard. Bloomberg said, "We would have shot him down, but we couldn't find any of those 1930's type planes to shoot at him."

Eventually Bonds was talked down when he was told that pitchers would throw extra slow pitches to speed up his home run pace.

Bonds told reporters that he loves NYC. "Big lights, Broadway, and free, plentiful hypodermic needles for drug users!"

St. Andrews, Scotland -- PGA tour player Fred Funk announced that he will join the LPGA tour for the 2006 season.

Funk sporting a kilt while playing at Royal St. Andrews said, "With some of these big girls hitting the men's circuit, I'd like a shot at some of their prized money. Besides, for the first time in my life, I'm comfortable as a woman."

Several PGA players thought the idea was a good one. "Hey, there's three girls for every guy," said Vijay Singh. "Granted with lesbians factored in, it's probably negative ratio but in theory it's a good idea."

Funk said he got the idea last year when he lost a bet to Anika Sorenstam. As loser of the bet Funk had to wear a dress. "What I found out was that all these years I was a woman," explained Funk. "And I'd like a sex change but I'm gonna have to win a few tournaments to get money for the operation."

Green Bay, WI -- Packers quarterback Brett Favre told reporters today that he has not entirely made up his mind on whether he'll return for another season.

When pressed, the usually agreeable Favre, told Packers brass, "Give me some room, I need time, back off assholes!" Packers management have asked Favre to make a decision sometime before "the end of the Bush term." Favre replied that "I'm not a kid and I don't think as fast as I use to."

Many in the Favre camp have suggested that Favre has shown signs of dementia and that another season behind center could spell disaster. Some observers have gone as far to say that Favre will need adult bathroom protection. A Packers spokesperson say that Favre's agent has demanded that Favre be allowed to wear "Depends" under his uniform.

The entire city of Green Bay has been shut down for four months awaiting the Favre decision. Fortunately, the shutdown has not effected the country in anyway since the only export from the city are plastic blocks of cheese.

Favre to reporters, "I'll give you a decision tomorrow, but right now I just crapped my pants."

Philadelphia, PA -- Golfer and billionaire Japanese businessman, Tsaka Kurasawa, ten putted a record eighteen greens yesterday as he amassed an amazing score of 318 yesterday at the Liberty Municipal Golf Course.

Kurasawa didn't seem to mind and he kept his wide smile on throughout the round. His partners in the foursome Moroka Murasawa, Hirito Nagasako, and Useoto Toyota finished the round in a record 15 hours and 20 minutes.

Golfer Ted Wooster, who played behind the foursome, asked, "How do you say, "Can we play through in Japanese?" Wooster added, "It sure sounded like they were having fun, I just wished they played as fast as they were talking."

Kurasawa, laughed and said, "Americans hit ball, I hit ball, say fuckie, fuckie, hah hah."

Kurasawa misses another putt but spent an amazing $28,749 in the pro shop on new equipment.

San Diego, CA -- Mets broadcaster was jumped by the San Diego Padres baseball team and beat senseless for his "inappropriate" remarks during a broadcast about a female being in the Padres dugout during the game.

The former MVP first baseman said women "don't belong in the dugout" when he spotted 33-year-old Kelly Calabrese, a massage therapist giving catcher Mike Piazza a backrub after hitting a home run. "I won't say that women belong in the kitchen but they don't belong in the dugout," repeated Hernandez.

The Padres players have long lobbied for full body massages between innings and deep, slow rubbing after particularly good plays. Piazza explained, "Knowing that after I hit a home run, that I'm going back to the dugout for a naked, hot oil massage has added both points to my average and years to my career."

The players stormed the broadcast booth and beat Hernandez into a coma, "not so much for the insensitivity of his comments but for trying to kill a damn nice racket we've go going."

Hernandez was taken to a nearby hospital and later released. Doctors recommend rest and massage therapy.

Moscow -- Famed conservationist, biologist, and anthropologist Jane Goodall has decided to change careers from studying apes and chimpanzees in the wild to training a heavyweight fighter.

"It's about time for a career change," said the world renowned researchers. "I've been in the jungles with these friggin' monkeys for about forty years and frankly, day in and day with with apes who don't speak drives a bit wacky."

One of Goodall's pet projects will be to train Russian heavyweight Nikolai Valuev, the famed "Beast of the East." Valuev, who has a very small vocabulary but can eat with utensils, has reacted well to Goodall. "At first, he just sat on a rock and picked bugs out of his chest hair but after awhile he let me come closer. And now after some training he can count to ten, which in boxing is kind of important."

Goodall added that Valuev is "a gentle creature and I'm very interested in seeing if he'll mate. Can you imagine the offspring of a boxing male and a boxing female? Watch out!," said Goodall.

"Now we're wanna take some time and get ready for a Tyson fight," added Goodall.

Scottsdale, AZ -- A female golfer with only a torso with two feel went around the Desert Rat Country Club in an amazing 68 strokes on Sunday.

Missy Stumpf was born with just an upper body and two feet growing from the torso. "My mom took some bad acid in the late 60's and I guess it did a number on me. But hey, I can still play golf."

Observers of the phenom say that Missy "has a very compact swing but keeps the ball in play and she's hell on the greens."

Her golf coach Hank Walton says, "Missy only hits the ball about a hundred yard because of the really short swing but she keeps the ball in play. And what a putter!"

Her mom Daisy Stumpf said, "We're so proud of Missy plus it kinda of gets me off the hook for taking acid. Not to mention how hard it is to get a shoe on when there's a foot growing from her genitalia."

"Having a foot in the middle of my body is a great conversation starter," says Missy.

Chico State -- A male dancer said that the entire softball team of Chico State University got him drunk and failed to assault him against their will.

"First, I knocked on the door and said I was the dancer for their party," explained Rex Nulva, an unemployed male dancer from nearby Hervana. "They said they didn't order a male stripper and then I said, don't worry about it, I'll take my clothes off for free." What happened next depends on who the court is going to believe.

"I took my clothes off and danced for several minutes," said Nulva. "The girls asked me to leave but I insisted on having several shots and beers. Next I insisted that they take full advantage of me and perform their wildest fantasy on me." Apparently no one from the team volunteered.

"I was humiliated and emotionally destroyed by the entire team and I want justice," added the determined Nulva. Political activist Jesse Jackson added his support to Nulva. "I've been in his position many times and I'm here just to lend my voice."

Nulva's attorney Floyd Bixsby said, "This case is not about one man against an entire team, this is a case of one man against an entire gender. We've got to stop women from declining sexually starved needy men like Rex Nulva. The culture of refusal has to change!"

The lawyers for the Chico women say that the girls are guilty and several will come forward and face the charges. "We'll probably work out some kind of plea, like the victim, can still come to parties and dance but that's about as far as we're prepared to go," said a defense attorney.

The entire Chico State softball team stands accused of refusing to sexually assault dancer Rex Nulva.

Lawrence, KS - An 87-year old retired butcher surprised track fans at the Kansas Relay Carnival yesterday by dominating the 100, 200, and 400 meter races.

Myron Glickstein, who for 52 years owned and operated Myron's Meats in Brooklyn, New York, blew away a strong collegiate field of sprinters. "I guess you could say I was feeling my oats," said Glickstein as jogged a victory lap.

Arkansas sprinted Leroy Funkston, who took second to Glickstein in the 400, said, "He went out of the blocks fast and he never looked back. I'd thought I'd catch him on the last turn, but he just got stronger."

Glickstein, took up running recently, "just to keep my mind occupied." Running for the "Who, What, Where Track Club, Glickstein attributes his recent success to his personal trainer/nurse 23 year old, Ava LaBamba. "Ava promises me that if I train hard, and run hard, she'll give me a treat whenever I finish first. Ava has nice treats," capped Glickstein.

Boston, MA -- The Boston Celtics fired their entire team today after a disappointing season where they failed to make the NBA postseason playoffs.

GM Danny Ainge said that the Celtics were going to "get back to our roots." Ainge explained that "Way back when, we were a pretty white and we used to win a lot of championships. I don't buy the idea that an all-white team can't compete in the NBA."

Ainge plans to begin next season with a team of "just some regular guys, guys you'd have on over for a beer and to watch a game. The 2006-2007 Celtics are gonna have a whole new look. These guys may not be the best athletes but they're a smart group and they have great chemistry."

The new Celtics will be way under the salary cap, because in the words of point guard Marshall Warner, "we're all rather comfortable, we've done well for ourselves, and we just play for fun and fraternity." Coach Doc Rivers told us that "we're gonna play a lot of golf this summer and mabye do a spot of yachting but come next season, watch out Lebron!"

The 2006-07 Celtics sharing a laugh and some good times. "We're gonna do to the NBA what we did to the market! We're bullish on our chances to win it all."

Durham, NC -- Despite the recent sexual assault scandal surrounding its men's lacrosse team, Duke University is still selling Duke Lacrosse merchandise and school officials say the controversy has boosted sales.

"If we pull the gear, people think the players are guilty, if we sell it looks like they're innocent, so who gives a shit, let's just make some money," said a Duke bookstore manager. "We've been having a little fun with the whole thing and it's moving merchandise, which really is what we're all about."

Some of the more popular items are the "I got assaulted by the Duke Lacrosse team and all I got was this lousy t-shirt" and the "Blue Deviled by Lax Team" hat have sold out. A Duke business professor explained that "there is no such thing as bad publicity."

BROADWAY AND WORLD FIGURE SKATING ASSOCIATION TEAM UP FOR SHOW : "There's Nothing Gay About It!"

New York, NY -- Broadway producer, Flip Flaccid and the World Figure Skating Association have partnered in a new Broadway/Ice Skating Musical called, "Slippery When Wet."

Flaccid said that the show is good, wholesome fun for the entire family and "don't let the pictures fool you, this is not a gay thing." Flaccid added, "Sure, gay men may like 'Slippery' but any resemblance between the skaters/dancers and gay men is purely coincidental."

Initial ticket sale have been brisk. "Sexy women being lifted by guys who may look gay but are not, it a great non-threatening entertainment." Dancer/skater Mindy Tibbs said, "It's really great to have skater/dancers who are truly professional and just want to dance/skate and never hit on you. We even let them dress in our dressing room and shower with us. They're just really professional guys."

Dancer/skater Scott Passion said that after the show, " I like to unwind with a chablis spritzer watching Cold Stone Steve Austin and in case you haven't noticed, I'm not gay."

We repeat, "Slippery when Wet," is not a gay musical. These guys are actually really getting excited lifting these women.

MARCUS VICK PESSIMISTIC ABOUT NFL CHANCES, TRIES TO GRASP CONCEPT OF BASKETBALL

Blacksburg, VA -- Former Virginia Tech quarterback Marcus Vick is pessimistic about the upcoming NFL draft.

"I've been trying real hard not to rob anyone lately so I might move up in the draft but these guys won't give me a break," said the dejected Vick. So Vick explained, "Mabye I ought to try my hand at basketball."

Vick told Jockweb that if "I don't get drafted, I think I'll go out for basketball next year. " After being reminded that he was dismissed from the Virginia Tech campus, Vick reminded us, "I have a gun mother f%^&er." We agreed that he had a very good argument and that he should go out for basketball.

Vick did show up a intramural championship game at the school and tried his hand at basketball. "Whenever I bounced the ball it would go all over the place and then it was really tough throwing the ball in that small basket." When we told Marcus that footballs don't bounce and that you're supposed to shoot a basketball to the basket not throw the football, Marcus became irritated and said, "I have a gun mother f%^&er." We agreed that he had a great shot and was a terrific ballhandler and that he should go out for basketball.

Marcus Vick putting up a three point shot. He was very happy when we told him how good he is in his new sport.

State College, PA -- Penn State fined women's basketball coach Rene Portland $10,000 after concluding she violated university policy in her treatment of a player who was perceived to be a lesbian. The fine will go towards, in Portland's words, "one of the biggest lesbian parties ever thrown."

"I'm on record as swearing I'm a big fan of lesbians," said Portland. "If anything, I'd prefer watch lesbian porn to hetero porn any day of the week." Penn State officials said that wasn't enough. "I watch lesbian porn too," said University President Graham Licquer, "and I really go crazy but Rene is very homophobic and needs to become even more involved in lesbian entertainment."

As part of the sanctions, Portland must spend the next six months listening only to Melissa Etheridge music and she must purchase the entire boxed collection of the TV series, "Ellen," starring famed Ellen DeGeneres. "I'm sure that this will help me become less homophobic and I promise to shower with my players next year and wash their backs."

President Licquer said he was satisfied that Portland was genuinely interested in "more lesbian stuff, because being a sports and sex are just a great partnership."

Palm Beach, FL -- 60's rock icon Jimi Hendrix spoke from the dead through Venus Williams at a tennis benefit yesterday in Florida.

Williams has long claimed that Hendrix uses her body as a vehicle to deliver messages to the living, said she believes Hendrix mixed her up with Whoopi Goldberg. "He probably saw that movie 'Ghost' and got the idea and thought I looked like Whoopi but I don't think I look like Whoopi cause I think I look more like Serena."

Hendrix used Williams to deliver a two-hour set of some of his biggest hits. Hendrix through Williams said, "I really didn't have a hit until I died, so it really sucked selling all those records and not getting any money. Just as well, I had a pretty big heroin habit when I died."

The crowd politely listened to Williams sing "Purple Haze" and "Foxy Lady." Williams put lighter fluid on her tennis racket/guitar and lit it on fire and then knelt down and bowed to the inflamed object. Hendrix said, "I don't know why I lit my guitar on fire at Monteray, but at the time it seemed like a cool thing to do."

After the concert, Williams returned to herself and defeated Lindsey Davenport in straight sets, 6-0 and 4-2.

Hendrix promised to return again for another concert because everyone on the other side is dead.

Jockweb HQ -- Vatican officials are calling it the first documented miracle of 2006 and it happened to a Jockweb staff member.

Rudy Freeborg has been with Jockweb since it's inception. Rudy has never had a date or in his words had a woman get close enough to see that he walks around with "my fly down." But during the holy season, Rudy found religion and started praying faithfully everyday that God would send him someone to have and to hold, till death do they part.

"It was amazing," explained Rudy, "I prayed to every saint that ever lived. I just kept saying things like, 'Hey God, how about a little female manna?' and 'Yo, God, what's a dork like me supposed to do with his dork?' And after about a week God answered.

"I was sitting there, minding my own business, when the sky opened up. Naturally I thought is was the end of the world or at the very least, the remnants of a tornado but then I hear this loud voice. It was God, and he said, 'Hey Rudy, here's the manna you were looking for and I'm sending you extra for your patience.' And then two beautiful babes fell from the sky into my lap."

Rudy couldn't believe his good fortune. "Just look at these two beauties, and they're flexible too!"

A witness captured a photo of the manna coming from heaven. Rudy said, "I'm proof that prayers really work."

Philadelphia, PA -- Kenyan distance runner Kipa Kenyoji won the Elks Marathon after stopping in the middle of the race for a nap.

Kenyoji said that, "I often like to nap during a race, usually I can wake up and still win." Spectators first thought there was something wrong when Kenyoji just suddenly laid down on the street. But then it became apparent that the runner was just curling up to get comfortable. Manny Mungan of nearby Camden explained, "She asked for some warm milk and a good book."

Most of the runners passed Kenyoji as she snored loudly but after about an hour, she woke up, strectched a bit, and caught up to the pack. She finished the 26 mile course in the record time of 1:56 and without the nap, she could have halved the record. Kenyoji said the "records don't make me feel as good as a nice nappy in the sun."

Fairfax, VA -- George Mason Men's Basketball Coach Jim Larranaga was reported missing from his home according to Fairfax police.

Larranaga gained notoriety during the NCAA basketball tournament for guiding virtually unknown GMU from the Colonial Athletic Association to their first and most likely their last, Final Four game.

"There was no sign of forced entry," said Fairfax detective Charlie Rose. "The only piece of evidence is a cryptic note from someone named Damien Bezeelbubb, saying, 'you're time is up, you're coming with me,'" explained Rose. Police theorize that Larranaga might have possibly have possibly be involved in some type of deal, where he was forced into some kind of payback.

Rose added, "It's like he disappeared off the face of the earth." School officials are hopeful that Larranaga will return for another season, but right now, "We're just busy cashing that tournament check, we've never made a dime off of one of our teams."

Chicago, IL -- The American Nazi party is looking to expand it's membership and change their image.

"We more than just skinheads and sociopaths," said party chairman Ralph Schroeder. "Sometimes we just like to get together for some frisbee and a couple of beers." Schroeder added, "We want to be the party of the young and fit, so we need to show potential recruits that being a Nazi can be a hecka of a lot of fun."

As part of their efforts, the Nazi party is forming a ski jump team to compete in the 2010 Olympics. Schroeder explained that having Nazis in the Winter Olympics is great for public relations. "We just want folks to see us as 'regular' guys and gals, who like to read Mein Kampf while on the toilet, " quipped the party leader.

Herb Goebbels said he joined the party because, "I always wanted to try ski jumping." Goebbels told Jockweb, "It's a great way to meet chicks because babes dig guys on skis with swatstikas armbands."

Goebbels gave the old "Heil, Hitler," during a recent jump but failed to keep his tips up, causing a major fall and broken neck.

Jockweb will be going door to door announcing the winners of our new, "Fantasy Makeover Sweepstakes."

"You could subscribe to a hundred magazines and have a chance at Ed McMahon stopping at your house with a million dollars or you could enter the Jockweb "Fantasy Makeover," explained editor Shecky Shriller. If you are one of the selected winners, Jockweb comes to your home, and remodels it according to your fantasy blueprints.

Jockweb reader and winner Tad Spencer's fantasy was to recreate a Vegas casino, with his own private basketball court equipped with a hideaway bed, a refrigerator full of imported beer, and a hooker named 'Fluffy.' Tad said he wanted to combine three of his favorite pastimes. "It's always been a personal goal of mine to spend my day playing hoops, drinking, and not having to pay for women. So this sort of takes care of that."

To enter the Jockweb sweepstakes, send us just the meager $1,000 entry fee. Entries are limited because we want to keep the odds in your favor. Why, because we value you, our loyal readers.

Boulder, CO -- They started out there careers as wide-eyed, enthusiastic gymnasts, with dreams of someday competing for a gold medal. But in the cutthroat world of women's gymnastics, an extra pound or two can kill those dreams and careen these Olympics hopefuls on a downward spiral of drugs and prostitution.

Kimmey Duntz and Flo Faber are two of countless stories of the underbelly of the gymnastics nightmare. Kimmey and Flo invested countless hours and their parent's dollars trying to earn a spot on the Olympic training team. "The pressure is great and one slip or trip puts you on the road to oblivion," explained Duntz. "I put an two extra pounds and the coach locked me in a cell for three days until I burnt them off." Faber told us, that once I fantasized about a Snickers and was pistol whipped."

Both were eventually cut from the national team and were declared 'has-beens' by age twelve and a half. Duntz and Faber turned to crack cocaine for some comfort. Before their thirteenth birthdays they had big costly appetites and they hadn't taken Algebra yet. With just two years in middle school, they turned to petty theft and prostitution to support their burgeoning drug habit.

Their advice to parents who want the next Kathy Rigby? Short cut the whole process. Save your money, buy your little gymnast a pipe, and start "pimping that young'in."

Jockweb's Sport Psychologist Randy Marsh commented, "With the price of gymnastic lessons, that crack idea ain't half bad."

Duntz and Faber say it's a ton of laughs getting their little dachshund, Pooie, stoned.

Jockweb's Sparky Spiffle caught up with Olympic skater Sasha Cohen recently for this compelling interview.:

SC: I ice down like this all the time. Particularly after a night of celebrating too much.

SC: I meditate. This whole regimen relaxes me. And afterwards a have a nice cup of Okinawan tea which beatifies my skin, boosts my memory, and enhances my energy so I can perform at my peak. You should try it. Particularly since you're...

Oakridge, TN -- Pro golfer John Daly decided that marriage suits him just fine despite the fact that his previous four marriages ended in divorce.

"This one's a keeper," said the jubilant Daly. "Any girl that can suck down a whole bottle of sour mash in one gulp is someone you grab by the ears." Becky Sue Daniels was a waitress at a local diner when Daly came in for a post-binge stack of flapjacks. "I didn't know he was a famous golfer, he just puked on the table like a regular. But I love him at first sight."

The couple had a simple ceremony follow by a quick toast by Daly pal and tour funnyman, Vijay Singh. Singh said as he raised his glass, "I don't like that Phil Mickelson fellow, not one bit."

Mr. and Mrs. Daly celebrated by getting plastered, breaking up the furniture in a cheap hotel, and then going to visit Mrs. John Daly IV in a Mississippi prison. "I'm just a guy who knows how to have a good time," smiled Daly.

"I'd like to see Amy Mickelson put down a whole fifth of bourbon," beamed the proud Daly.

TENNIS PRO ADMITS, "I'M AFRAID OF THE BALL" -- JOCKWEB'S RANDY MARSH TAKES THE CASE

Vero Beach, FL -- It takes talent, dedication, passion, and a lot of money to become a professional tennis player. Lester LaRoche had all of the above and he worked his way to the top of his game. But Lester had a dirty secret that he only kept to himself.

"I'm afraid of the ball," said a tearful Lester outside the Puerta Punta Pueblo Tennis Resort, where LaRoche works as a teaching pro. "I'm okay when I hit the ball over the net. I feel big and strong, but then the other guy hits it back harder and I get scared."

LaRoche, a regular Jockweb reader and a big fan of "Ask Randy the Sports Psychologist," contacted us and asked for help. "He was broken in spirit when I first met him," explained Jockweb's Randy Marsh, our resident psychologist. "I knew I could help him with his fear of the ball," continued Marsh. "I took him on and we're working on some psychological skills to help Lester."

Marsh explained that a lot of psychology is just charging large amounts of money to people who can afford it and making it seem like you've got some really insightful cure. "It's a lot like acting only you make a lot more per hour." Marsh has been working on LaRoche's self-talk. "Many times what we tell ourselves becomes our reality," Marsh told an audience at a recent lecture. "Like if you say I'm a big loser and I'll never get a hot girl, then the truth of the matter is that you're a loser and you're not going to get a hot girl. That'll cost you $100, you see how it works? I'm kidding," laughed Marsh.

The first thing Marsh tried to get LaRoche to do was change his personal script. "Instead of saying, "Oh shit, here comes the ball and it's going to put my eye out,' Randy has me saying things like 'I'm not afraid of you, stupid ball, in fact I'm not afraid of anything,' except mabye a gang of Hell's Angels who want to anally rape me."

LaRoche reported, "I'm still afraid of the ball but I'm feeling really good about myself thanks to Randy." LaRoche's father, Baruch, said, "One million bucks on tennis lessons and he feels good about himself? I should have never married his mother."

LaRoche running from the ball told an audience of kids, "Make sure you sleep with the lights on or the bogeyman in the closet will definitely you."

Los Angeles, CA -- Former Los Angeles Dodger MVP Steve Garvey, a former poster boy for America, apple pie, and all that's good in the world, has fallen on some hard economic times.

Though still on the Dodger payroll as a special consultant and still commanding $10,000 speaking fees, Garvey is reported to be experiencing big debt and gathering a reputation as a scamp.

His paperboy Wally Wilkens told Jockweb, "He owes for three months and he never answers the door." Everyone from the pool cleaner to the girl scouts wants money from Garvey. Little Mitzi Morgan of Troop 463 said, "He took fifteen boxes of thin mints and promised to drop the money off later. I haven't seen the mother f$%^&er since."

Garvey, whose movie star good looks and athletic ability, has consistently been able to score with incredibly hot women despite being what most people term, "a totally self absorbed, conceited asshole." The climax of Garvey's knavery recently came with his failure to pay Hank Otur. Otur was contracted by the Garvey's to come over the house twice a week and "scoop the poop" of the Garvey pet retriever, "Dodger." Otur said, "Let me tell you, it ain't exactly a scoop, it's more like heavy lifting cleaning up after this one. This dog eats like Roseanne Barr at a smorgasbord."

Otur, who charges by the load, said that Garvey owes him for over two hundred scoops. Otur, the father of quintuplets, explained, "I'm scooping and then when I get home I've got five asses to clean up. My world is in the crapper."

Long Island, NY -- Nikolay Valuev is a giant of a man, standing at 7-foot (by most accounts anyway) and regularly weighing in at over 320 pounds. Though many people may not be aware of it, he is currently the heavyweight champion of the world, at least as far as the World Boxing Association is concerned. Or was until he ran into little Sammy Monjello.

The former basketball player from St. Petersburg, Russia, who now fights out of Germany, won the title a few months back after his fight with another big, slow white guy. But Valuev couldn't hold on to the title for long. Little Sammy Monjello, a used car salesman from Massapequa, NY, and owner of Little Sammy's Junkers and Clunkers, turned to boxing after experiencing a mid-life crisis, of sorts.

"I was getting beat up financially by my ex-wife," explained Monjello. "Even with a high priced attorney, she took me to the cleaners. And then I've got these shitty kids who only love me for my money. You might say, I had some pent up aggression. So I took up boxing. And when I saw that big, dumb Russian, I just thought of my ex. Come to think of it, he might be a little better looking."

Sammy knocked out Valuev in the third round with a series of counter punches to the groin. "I couldn't reach his face, what can I say?" Monjello said that he's ready to take on all comers. "I may even bite an ear of two," he smiled.

Monjello training regiment includes "two martinis and a nice plate of macaroni with lots of momma's gravy."

Montreal, Canada -- The Montreal Canadians are known not only for their storied hockey history, but now, also for their generous spirit.

The franchise has adopted Youppi, the former mascot of the disenfranchised Montreal Expos, who moved to Washington and now play under the name, Nationals. After the Expos left Montreal, Youppi fell on hard times. "What do you do when the only thing you know is dressing in a large foam costume and running around a baseball stadium perform ridiculous baseball mime?" explained Youppi. "After the Expos left I went into a deep depression, started drinking and using mind expanding psychotropic drugs, and then I ended up sleeping in the park," he continued.

Canadians spokesperson Guy Guyster (Gee Geester) told Jockweb, "We just couldn't stand by and watch a legend like Youppi fall to pieces, we had to react. So we've bought Youppi in as sort of a pseudo-mascot since the Canadian name doesn't lend itself to a mascot. That is unless every Canadian is our mascot."

Canadian fans cheered when, as they welcomed back to the spotlight, the familiar Youppi. Canadian fan Guy Guyberg (Gee Geeberg) asked the question, "What exactly is Youppi, an animal or just a fictitious foam creation. And what is an Expo and what would an Expo look like?"

Youppi took center ice and smiled, "It's a real Canadian dream story. Man down and out, come back, works his way to the top."

Santa Fe, NM -- LPGA tour star Anika Sorenstam announced today that she has developed her own line of marital aids.

"There's more to life than golf," said Sorenstam, "and besides, I need a place to invest some money, marital aids seem like a good market." The line called the "Ay Carumba!" is in Sorenstam's words, "guaranteed to take the bogey out of sexual relationships. It tickles in two important places so you're under par every time."

Sorenstam said that she understands better than anyone how golf can get in the middle of a relationship. "Let's say if a guy goes out all day Saturday and Sunday to play golf and his spouse complains that they never spend any quality time together. Ten minutes with the 'Ay Carumba' and your wife will want you to go on a golf trip to Scotland," Sorenstam explained.

She continued, "As a woman golfer, I've walked on both sides of the street. Let's just say, golf impacts on my relationships too. But if my man likes the 'Ay Carumba', he may have some explaining to do. On second thought, if my man likes it, I've got some explaining to do."

Sorenstam holding the "Ay Carumba" with it's multi-pronged technology. "It's going to change women's minds about being a golf widow."

New York, NY -- Yankee owner George Steinbrenner issued a stern warning to shortstop, Derek Jeter, yesterday.

"Derek is a party animal and sometimes doesn't know when to quit," said Steinbrenner as he announced some preventive disciplinary action against the All-Star. "Getting drunk and taking part in wild sex orgies is okay for the average guy but not for anyone donning Yankee pinstripes," he added.

Jeter, known around New York, for his wild appetite for booze and broads, agreed to Steinbrenner's control measures. For the near future Jeter will be kept on a short leash. Larry Bondhage has been hired by Steinbrenner as Jeter's handler. Bondhage said, "It's good practice for Derek if he plans on getting married. I let him sniff a bit but if he gets the urge to hump a leg or something, I just pull on the choker."

Jeter agreed, "it takes some getting used to and it's amazing how good other women look when you're tied to a leash."

Calcutta, INDIA -- Talking about the thrill of victory, Raj Kahuna, India's grand surfing master defended his title as the country's "Surfer Kind Sir."

Each year millions upon millions descend on this ancient city to wear the crown of "Surfer Kind Sir." The three day festival includes some surfing and hairy guys prancing around in some nifty "speedos." The contestants must ride a "worry beeg wave without losing the speedo."

"It is great fun to have nice man walking, surfing in speedo," said contestant Mahat Makoat. "We had some very keen packages this year."

Raj Kahuna rode a "worry beeeg wave, with a nice package, and kept the speedo tied nicely," to win his third title in four years. Kahuna, a national folk hero, has an entire line of surf gear and swimwear. "Visit my website, I have very good things to wear," said the smiling, ever entrepreneurial Kahuna.

Kahuna said his goal was to one day be to his country what Frankie Avalon is to America. He explained, "I want to marry Annette Funicello and have nice Beach Blanket Bingo party."

Never one to shy away from a photo op, Kahuna implores, "Oh pleeze, visit my website. We have very nice telephone operator waiting to take order."

Washington D.C. -- A team of surgeons at the George Washington University Medical Center spent sixteen hours today performing surgery to reduce the size of the school mascot's head.

Pete Cephalo was born with an extraordinarily large head. Throughout his childhood, playmates laugh and jeered because of Cephalo's gigantic head. "You know, my parents tried to make me feel better with that 'water on the brain' stuff but the truth is, I've just have a huge f^&*%ing head." Doctors say that there are no genetic problems at the root of Cephalo's condition, it's just that "he has a huge f^&*%ing head."

Cephalo explained that when he finally arrived at George Washington, someone suggested that he try out for the mascot position. "At first, everyone thought it was makeup or something, or that I was like 'elephant man' but no, I've just got this big head. It really sucks when it's windy out. My face gets really cold."

Fortunately for Cephalo, doctors are going to give him a smaller head. "I just always dreamed of having a really small head. One that you could hold in two hands. Like if I want to put my face in my hands, like to think or something, I've got to have about five pairs of hands. But after the bandages come off, I'll only need mabye three."

Cephalo's roommate said, "It's gonna be great not having to push him through doorways."

Jockweb-- Jockweb has obtained surveillance photographs that indicate that speedskater Apollo Ohno has his pocket picked at the Winter Olympics games in Torino.

Ohno told Jockweb that he didn't realize that his pocket was picked until just yesterday. "Usually, I can't fit a wallet in my tights. I like to put all my cash in my crotch cause when you wear skating pants, all eyes are right on the bank. You catch what I'm saying?"

The pick pocketing was the work of an organized South Korean crime ring. South Korean skater Ahn Hyun Soo said, "hey I read Ohno try steer clear me since he knock me down but I got wallet, he got subway bonus card, now I got subway bonus card, buy 9, get 10 sandwich free, ha ha. Who winner now?"

Jockweb investigators confirmed that the man behind Ohno is either picking his pocket or is an agile, proactive proctologist.

ANNA BENSON RETURNS TO HUSBAND AFTER TORRID AFFAIR WITH JOCKWEB STAFF MEMBER reported by SHECKY SHRILLER

Baltimore, MD -- Days after announcing her intent to divorce her husband Kris Benson, Anna Benson decided to end her affair with me and return home.

And I'm I ever glad. Don't get me wrong. We had fun and she is a bombshell brunette and frankly I thought she was a bit out of my league but talk about baggage. Wow, is she ever needy? I really thought it was going to this incredible fantasy experience with this ex-stripper. Okay I sound like a kid who's crying because his hot fudge sundae isn't a banana split. But all I listened to was how wounded she was after her hubby cheated on her. I listened, I tried to counsel her, but then it became an obsession. By the end of the weekend, she was haggard looking and the voice! Like to cats fighting in the middle of the night.

Anyway it's over. She's back in her Baltimore mansion and I'm back writing for Jockweb. It's probably better this way. I don't have a job and I certainly don't get paid from this piece of bison turd. She has three kids and God knows I hate kids. She'd probably would have had to return to stripping and I'd really hate that cause I'm sort of a jealous kind of guy. I hope she's happy. She's a good kid and she deserves to be happy. But Kris, wait til you see his career tank. Cheating on an ex-stripper that most guys would give an organ for? That is major and the Gods don't look kindly on this type of stupidity.

Minneapolis, MN -- The charges against Daunte Culpepper for his alleged involvement in last year's Minnesota Viking boat party scandal have been dropped.

Since no evidence was presented to refute this testimony, this court is compelled to find" lack of probable cause, Hennepin County District Judge Kevin Burke ruled. Culpepper had been accused of rubbing a dancer's buttocks on the deck of the ship in public view causing several cruise-goers to be "terribly embarrassed."

But Culpepper denied that he rubbed the girl's buttocks for sexual pleasure. "I was playing dice. Okay, so mabye I rubbed the booty for good luck cause baby, I rolled snake eyes, three times. But I didn't mean no sexual thing." Judge Burke accepted Culpepper's explanation saying, "as a dice player myself, it's perfectly normal to rub a nice booty for good luck. No law was broken here. Rubbing buttocks for good luck is just like smacking a player's heiney after a good play. It's what athletes do."

Another Viking Moe Williams will have a hearing next week for allegedly touching a pair of breasts in public on the same boat trip. Williams said, "That f#$%ing Daunte took my defense. I was gonna use the good luck dice rubbing thing too. Looks like I'm gonna have to get me some legal advice."

Culpepper claims that butt rubbing brings him good luck. Sounds like a solid legal argument to us.

UCLA LOSES FINAL TO GATORS; Bruin Could Care Less

Indianapolis, IN - It was a disappointing night for UCLA fans as the Bruins came out flat against the Florida Gators and lost the NCAA title game 73-57. But it was a big night for the Bruin mascot.

Though the Bruins couldn't score enough to stay with the Gators, the mascot had no trouble scoring with one of the world's hottest brunettes. "Did you see the rack on her?" asked junior Lyle Odovich of Sacramento. "Wow, she was smoking hot!".

Odovich confessed that he gets little play as a college Junior, but as the mascot he does "a little better." But this was special. "Sure, I get extra attention from ladies when I'm the Bruin, but nothing like this." Odovich described the acts performed for him, on him, around him and to him by the beauty. "She took me into a men's room. We went 'around the world', and she even put on a breast puppet theater performance. I'm not a boy anymore."

There was no word on whether the woman made Odovich keep the head on, however he stated he remained in costume.

Durham, NC -- Several Duke University lacrosse players are saying that the whole sex scandal that has befallen the school was the fault of ex-Oklahoma State basketball coach, Eddie Sutton.

An anonymous player told Jockweb, "He's old, retired, and who's gonna get mad at him? So why not?" Sutton, who recently retired after a drunk driving incident said, "I may have been at that Duke party but I don't remember."

Several party-goers said they distinctly remember Sutton doing shots and leading a naked line dance. Sutton said, "That sure sounds like me but Durham's a long way from Stillwater, Oklahoma so I had to really get lost. I think I drove up there for a beer with that coach with the goofy spelled name."

Sutton said he'd gladly give a DNA sample if "you'd just get me a couple of magazines."

Duke University officials released a statement saying that they were relieved that a suspect has been named and we can re-establish "our pristine reputation." "We're glad somebody came up with the idea to blame Coach Sutton for this whole mess. We've got to work harder in the future to keep drunk college coaches out of team parties. This was an unfortunate incident that we can now put behind us."

This looks like Sutton's car photographed near the Duke lacrosse house. "It's enough proof for us," said Duke officials.

New York, NY -- Cleopatra Jones, the star of the 1973 "blaxploitation" film of the same name has been hired by David Stern to work undercover for the National Basketball Association.

"Cleo will be on special assignment at the behest of the commissioner's office," said Stern. He added, "She's ten miles of bad road for every hood in town, 6'2'' and all of it dynamite."

Knicks coach Larry Brown said, "I loved her in the film and she's going to be a big help in cleaning the league of wife beaters and drug traffickers. She knows how to teach the bad guys the meaning of no. I just wish I was younger and wasn't stuck coaching the Knicks or her and I would get it on."

Stern explained that Cleo will work undercover as a halftime dancer but as a "complete badassss, she'll be teasing fans by day and kicking pimp ass by night."

Philadelphia, PA -- "I love you." "And I love you. but I have to get back to my wife and continue living this lie. And the coach will suspend us if we kiss on the sidelines again..." And so goes the dialogue from the latest dramatic effort from NFL films, "Brokeback Fullback."

"We think there's an opportunity for us in feature filmmaking," said NFL films president, Steve Sabol. "And we think the public is ready to see big, strong burly football players romantically involved with one another."

"Brokeback Fullback" is the story of two emerging stars in the National Football League, who realize in the middle of training camp that they are staring at each other in the shower. After several days of stares, Bubba, the 365 lb. tackle confides to Joe, the fullback, that "I'm having some weird thoughts, like really weird." Joe responds that he's never been with a 365 lb. woman or man and, "I'm afraid you might hurt me but hey why not give it a shot?"

From this point on the two carry on a torrid love affair under the radar of 42 teammates and a 20 member coaching staff.

"I laugh, I cried, I got a huge signing bonus," said Terrell Owens as he left a private screening. Michael Irvin commented, "I only watched the first minute or so, I had a drug, I mean a deal to transact." Critics are calling it, "The feel good movie of 2006 and a film that will make all men say, 'I'm probably gay too!'"

"Don't rest your hand on my ass, they'll suspect something." A line from the 2006 film, "Brokeback Fullback."

Boulder, CO -- Competitive rock climbing is fast becoming the most favored sport amongst America's teenagers. Participants climb up a "climbing wall" which has various size rocks cemented into it. More than 50 high schools now have established teams for climbers and roughly 1,000 students are climbing competitively. The interest in climbing was sparked by teachers, many of whom took up the sport in the 1990's.

"Competitive climbing is the next big wave in sports," said Bill Carlin the coach of the Rocky Mountain High High Climbers. "Lots of people think it's just a stupid activity started by pot smoking slackers with no life skills at all but I'm here to tell you, it's a great activity for all pot smoking slackers with no life skills. And what's really exciting is that you get to compete against other pot smoking slackers with no life skills."

Coach Carlin said, "I really think competitive rock climbing will replace most high school sports in the next ten years. Kids just enjoy smoking some week and climbing some rocks. It's a whole lot more fun than chasing a soccer ball." Rock climbing enthusiast believe that America will get behind rock climbing and soon there will be major professional rock climbing teams. Carlin envisions the day when climbers and fans alike will scale their way into stadiums rather than pay to get in.

Jockweb asks the question, is climbing up a bunch of rocks cemented in a wall a sport? It might replace soccer, it might replace baseball. What the frig is happening out there?

Here are some mellow rock climbers with their pot smoking, slacker coach. "Really, this is a sport!"

Washington, D.C. -- Department of Homeland Security officials issued a terror alert saying that Americans should be on the alert for a new wave of suicide cheerleaders.

"It's diabolical how these terrorist have infiltrated one of our most beloved institutions," said an unnamed DHS spokesperson. Evidently, disgruntled cheerleaders are recruited by these terrorist organizations and equipped with explosive devices in their hair. "Some of these cheerleaders have some major hair and it's very easy to hide an explosive device in their coif," explained terrorist expert Vidal Sassoon.

Cheerleaders are told if they die, they will go immediately to heaven and get back their virginity. "These terrorists are targeting our perkiest, cutest citizens and turning them into fanatical killers," added Sassoon, "and adding new definition to a bad hair day."

Arena security experts say that they will now have to inspect each cheerleader, "with a fine tooth comb." "We going over every inch of every cheerleader looking for evidence of terrorist activity," said Bob Wiley of the Hands Security Company.

"The good news is that citizens are really anxious to help out, particularly the guy fans," added Wiley. "We just can't be too safe."

Fortunately, this cheerleader was checked very carefully and there was no explosive device in her hair. But experts warn, "This enemy is crafty, they can hide devices anywhere."

Veruca is the only child of the wealthy couple, Henry Salt and Angina Salt (a geography teacher in the revised book only, and named Henrietta in the 1971 film Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.) She is a terribly spoiled brat.. Also, she's the 3rd kid to be kicked out of his factory. We were extremely happy to see her go after eating candy and turn into an exploding blueberry. The whole time, we kept warning her to listen to Mr. Wonka but no, Veruca can't listen to anyone because she so goddamn spoiled.

Her father, Mr. Salt owns a nut business. When Veruca announced she wanted the Golden Ticket, her father bought thousands of Wonka Bars and made his factory workers open them. After three days passed, Veruca spent all of them kicking her legs about, while she screamed about how she wanted her Golden Ticket. Finally, a staff member found the ticket, and, as Veruca's father describes it, she is "all smiles again." All we wanted her father to do was give her a good ass whooping.

Thankfully Veruca represents, as do the other "bad" children who visit the factory, one of the Seven Deadly Sins, in her case, Greed. Jockweb strongly encourages you to watch the Wonka classic and pay heed to how annoying little spoiled children can be. At first sight of Veruca like behavior, forget about the possible child abuse charges, give the kid a good whooping!

East Lansing, MI (too) -- A Michigan State junior, who claims to be the bastard child of actor, Lou Ferrigno, tried to make contact with his father last week on national television.

Lou Ferrigno, Jr. told Jockweb, "I'm not even sure he knows about me, but I really look like him, eh?" Ferrigno Sr. is most noted for his role as the "Incredible Hulk," in the 1980's TV drama. Ferrigno played the alter ego of the now dead actor, Bill Bixsby. He never uttered a line but once a month it seemed like Bixsby would have his menstrual cycle and turn into the "Hulk." Despite doing nothing but stand around and grunt while costumed in nothing but green paint and huge muscles, Ferrigno made a ton of money.

Even before the advent of Jockweb, Ferrigno told us that "Chicks really dig big muscular, green painted guys and I get laid all the time. I probably have a kid or two out there that I don't even know about."

The good news for Ferrigno Sr. is that he never had another acting job after the series and, having a younger, muscular green kid, who looks just like him, will probably make him feel like he has something to show for his lame career. Ferrigno Jr. confided to Jockweb, "Actually, I'm hoping to re-acquaint with Dad and get some tuition and beer money."

"Hey Dad, it's me, Lou Jr., your son. Guess what? I can lift a car over my head."

East Lansing, MI -- An early exit from the NCAA tournament at the hands of upstart George Mason, didn't deter students at Michigan State from celebrating.

"Mindy, Mandy, and Muffy each took a bite of a hamburger," explained Wally Thynster. "And a student body, we're standing right behind them." Thynster is a member of perhaps the largest anorexia support group in the country. "You'd be surprised how effective having 10,000 screaming supporters can motivate someone to eat."

"I'm so fat," said the 110 pound Muffy St. Marie. "I'm a size 4 now and if I don't get into a size 2 by summer, I'll want to die." With cheers like, "Don't barf the burger," and "Scarf the nachos," supporters were able to get the reluctant cheerleaders to take a nibble.

"It was a great moment for all the fans," said ESPN analyst Dick Vitale. "To see these great young people cheering on their fellow students, well, it made me want to pop a DiGiorno's pizza in the oven. It's like I tell anorexics all the time, it ain't delivery, it's DiGiorno's."

Beaverton, OR -- Nike Inc. has just finished market studies on its latest product, the "magnetic uniform." The uniform developed in cooperation with NASA is meant to help the teams involve their fans in defensive strategy.

"It's probably the most exciting innovation to hit basketball since the jock strap," said Nike Marketing Director, Rex Carr. Fans are able to lean forward and actually attract the opposing team to the stands forcing a turnover. "The magnetic force is so strong that it can pull up to five Roseann Barrs at a time," added Carr.

In it's debut at Cameron Gymnasium on the Duke campus, proved to extremely effective. North Carolina guards were sucked into the stands on the last fourteen possessions of the second half, accounting for 28 points off of turnovers. Duke coach Mike Kurzawosewski said, "I really hate Chevrolets. I drive a Kia."

An NC guard gets sucked into the stands and coughs the ball up to a Duke opponent.

High School Hires Sex Offender as Motivational Speaker

JACKSONVILLE, FL - It didn't take long before hot teacher and child molester Debra Lefave found work in a high school again. This time as a motivational speaker.

"We have decided to bring in Ms. Lefave because the men's basketball team was lethargic at best," said MLK high school's basketball coach Arthur Treature. "After suffering our first losing season in 12 years, I asked the boys what would motivate them. One of them suggested Lefave and I thought it was a great idea." Treature confessed that he has never seen anything like this and does not know why the boys will find additional motivation, but states that after the suggestion was made, the entire team was on board with the idea. "I've never seen 16 year old boys so excited. I thought I had to do this."

Lefave will meet with the entire team before and individually after each game. The length of the meeting after the game will depend on whether the team wins or loses. Lefave was unavailable for comment, but an MLK senior basketball player predicts, "we're going undefeated. I don't care if we have to play the San Antonio ^&%#ing Spurs."

Lafave commented, "The problem with kids today is that there's not enough spanking. I plan on working with the players on spanking skills."

Golfer Ames Shot While Lining up Putt on 17th

SANTA FE, NM - Stephen Ames, only 1 stroke behind Tiger Woods at the New Mexico Classic, was shot in the right shoulder as he lined up the putt. If Ames had made the putt he would have pulled even with Woods.

Ames' troubles began earlier when he made light of a Tiger miscue. Woods hit an errant shot on the first hole that sailed three fairways over from their fairway. Ames snickered and broke into a loud laugh and remarked, "I thought this guy was good." Woods has a reputation for being over sensitive to jokes about his game. Woods threw down his driver, got behind the wheel of a Buick and tried to run Ames over. Woods gave up on the idea when Ames climbed a tree and Woods realized sponsor Buick wouldn't cover the cost of a banged up car. But Woods threatened Ames publicly saying, "I'm the Don Corleone of the golf links and don't forget that everyone comes to me for favors." Ames came down from the tree and then tried to shakily hit a wedge to the 1st green. He shanked the ball right but continued without incident until he got to the 17th green.

Spectators heard shots ring out and Ames immediately fell to the ground. Police arrested the individual involved in the shooting. Woods snickered and said, "So you still think I'm beatable?"

Police would not comment when asked if the shooter was a member of Woods' posse.

Ames later said from his hospital bed, "Tiger's number one in the world for a reason."

Spectator Stanley Waskelevich (shown in this picture) was left standing at an NCAA tourney game with just half a cheer. Waskelevich explained that the "D-guy, my other half got caught in traffic, and left me hanging. I'm the fence and I need a "D" or I'm f%^&ed. And asshole gets himself stuck in traffic. I was naked without the D. The D really brings everything together."

Waskelevich screamed out "fence, fence!" but the cheer fell flat. "It couldn't catch on with the crowd without the D."

Thousands became hostile when they had to wait in extremely long lines to claim shoes, body piercings, and prozac.

Several happy students relieved that they found a shoe.

Conroe, TX - A Conroe school district coach is on leave while school officials look into a claim that he forced a student athlete to go the bathroom in a plastic bag.

The unnamed student explained that the team was returning from a sporting event and "man, there was a turd choking me to death." Since there wasn't a bathroom on the bus, the coach told the student to defecate in a plastic bag and urinate into a soda cup.

Parents are up in arms while the coach defends himself as acting heroically under trying circumstances. Coach Joe Rodriguez said, "I had two choices staring me in the face. A load in the pants or a load in the bag. I chose the latter." Students on the bus were divided. One student asked, "What's the big deal? People follow their dogs around with a plastic bag and pick up turds all the time."

Rodriguez said he has been contacted by several major airlines as a consultant. A Southwest spokesperson said, "Who ever said barf bags were just one dimensional items? Rodriguez has single handedly changed our ideas on how to crap in flight. Just think, you'll never have to wait in line for a bathroom on an airplane."

Breese, Ill. - A high school gymnastics coach, who worked with cheerleaders, was fired after school administrators learned that the 22-year old gymnast had appeared in gay porn videos.

Josh Weast was not a school employee but had been hire to coach for the past three years. The principal of Mater Dei Catholic High School, Dennis Litteken, said he accidentally came across the videos at a gay film festival. "One night I got lost going to the supermarket and ended up at this gay porn festival. Even though Josh did an amazing job in the video and we think he should concentrate on his film career," said the breathless Litteken.

Weast said he made the videos about a year ago because, "I needed the money." He tried to convince school officials that he was still the right coach for the job. "Look, I promise not to bring my camera to school." But the hearing board of ten priests and four nuns were unmoved.

Father Ned Neely commented with a wink, "Gee if we only knew he needed cash, there was plenty of ways to make money at the rectory." The firing committee deliberated for six days before reaching a verdict. Neely added, "We had to scrutinize all of the video evidence very clearly. Gee, Josh is a damn fine actor but our cheerleaders could never be flexible enough to do the things Josh can."

Josh said he is finished with porn but says he's still very interested in doing something with parallel bars.

We don't know why, but for some reason this guy scares us. We're not just saying "scared" in a superficial like, noises in the attic "scared." No, this is more like a Wes Craven, "I'm going to slash your throat scared" or "Chainsaw your girlfriend scared." Even last night as we tried to down a bottle of 'lunesta' and repeat to ourselves, "He's just an average college student," it didn't work. Thoughts of this guy made us wet the bed. Though we're a bit distressed, we hope you've been enjoying the tournament.

Is there any doubt this person has killed several people and buried them near our house? And he'll strike again, you can be sure of it.

MORE CHEERLEADING NEWS: (Jockweb is proud to be the #1 in Cheerleader coverage!)

U of Florida Sophomore confesses: I'm in Cheerleading to Meet Girls ("He's a big dufass!" claims Senior Brandy Tailgate)

GAINESVILLE, FL - Sophomore Brian Markus has a secret. He's not fanatical about Gator's athletics or the University of Florida in general. "I'm just here to meet hot girls," confesses Markus. "I get to hang out with pretty girls in short skirts. I even get to grab their thighs and lift them over my heads and look up their skirts." Markus accepts that he is not attractive and is hoping that his proximity to these scantily clad women will eventually pay off.

Even before learning his secret, the other gator Cheerleaders were not thrilled with Markus. "He is creepy!" says Senior Cheer Captain Brady Tailgate. "I saw him carry a drill into the locker room and said to me 'see you soon'. When he lifts me his palms are always sweaty and his fingers roam, if you know what I mean." Other cheerleaders concur. "It's so sad to hear him cry himself to sleep at night," said roommate Chad Levington, also a cheerleader. "But he comes off as so desperate and he tries so hard I don't even feel sorry for him anymore."

"He needs a hooker or something," says freshman Stacy Webber. "He's asked me out like 100 times, when I say 'no', he asks if he can just rub against me. Like, I want to throw up."

Markus remains undaunted. "I'm going to keep trying. Even eggs get laid once."

Markus, "Hey do you go to Florida too?" Brandy Tailgate (pictured left) has repeatedly asked Levington to keep Markus away from her.

Cheerleader Becomes Sick During Game; Does Not Lose Spirit

WASHINGTON, DC - Much like the spirit of the Southern Illinois cheerleader who continued making cheer-like gestures despite breaking her neck, Illinois sophomore cheerleader Trisha Gamble would not let an upset stomach ruin her day. "I had a tummy ache," says Gamble. "I had to make a fast trip to the little girl's room. I still felt yucky."

"I wanted to keep cheering. My teammates wanted everyone to know how brave I was, so they made this little sign for me to hold up." Gamble was taken to the hospital after the game where she was treated for food poisoning and was later released with a sign reading 'Feeling A Little Better'.

Gamble said if Pepto Bismol has a school, she'd apply. "He's my little pink friend," said the perky Gamble.

Minneapolis -- There is no crying in basketball; or so the saying goes. BUT former NFL coach Dick Vermeil has made it fashionable to weep at any moment.

And now the pussy effect has spread to the basketball court. There is nothing like a 7-foot man balling his brains out in front of a national TV audience. And Dick Vermeil has shown the way for all.

Duke's J.J. Redick's eyes welled up after his team's eventual demise, this time at the hands of LSU. Gonzaga's Adam Morrison let it out all the way at the end of his team's huge choke against UCLA. (Actually, doesn't Morrison sort of look like a Mexican girl with a moustache and a really good 3 point shot?) You would think that these men had lost their dog or something.

Crying men may start finding their way into other parts of society where crying has never been the norm. Imagine negotiators at the United Nations weeping at the first suggestion that Iran will not drop its nuclear weapons program. Or Fidel Castro crying when his Cuban baseball team lost on the international stage. Even North Korea's Kim Jong II weeping over his starving people. Imagine Dick Cheney crying over anything.

Tokyo-- Japanese baseball fans erupted in a crazed celebration in downtown Tokyo after the Japanese team defeated Cuba in the finals of the World Baseball Classic.

Japanese celebrated throughout the night with their traditional beverage, sake, and lots of Tom Jones karaoke.

The Japanese government announced a national holiday and Japanese slugger Horito Toyota announced, "We're going Disneyrand." Disney Inc. announced that they would immediately acquired sparse available land in Japan and hastily construct "Disneyrand."

"You gotta figure a Disney theme park in Japan is gonna kill," said Disney exec Harry Smallwarl. In what could be the most understated comment in all of journalistic history, Smallwarl added, "It's just a casual observation, but I think the Japanese like visiting Disneyland and Disneyworld. And could we do any worse than DisneyEurope?"

Disney said they will get down to serious planning after the Japanese national erections where Japanese will vote for a new Prime Minister.

A Japanese karaoke singer belts out the old Tom Jones standard, "What's New Pussyrat?"

Knoxville, TN -- Reports about Tennessee women's basketball star Candice Parker dunking twice in a game proved false. Jockweb's film analyst Federicos Phellini reviewed the tape from the game and found the video to be altered by computer editing.

The NCAA announced that Parker set a record as the first woman to dunk twice in a basketball game. Phellini's begs to differ. "I watch the tape over and over, and yes, she did dunk twice but of course, it was a nerf basketball and the game was videotaped in her dorm room, and it was against her roommate. Someone superimposed the nerf dunk into a basketball game."

Phellini suspects that it was a joint conspiracy between ESPN and the NCAA to boost ratings. "If the audience is forced to look at Pat Summit's miserable puss for an hour, you better have some acrobatic basketball in between, " said ESPN director Faye Flammer. "If you can't have women playing naked, then dunking is the next best thing to draw a male demographic."

For the record, Parker won the dorm room game and her roommate has to make her bed for a week.

Parker asked if it could be possible that she was the love child of Spurs guard Tony Parker and Eva Longoria. "Wouldn't they be great parents to have?"

Atlanta, GA -- Two dyslexic students were removed from security at an NCAA tournament game for public profanity. Josh Guilden and Wally Wabash, two college sophomores were asked to leave the arena for what tournament officials are calling "a public display of hateful speech."

Guilden and Wabash painted what amounted to be an "offensive expression" on their bodies. Security was immediately alerted when a nun of the opposite side of the court caught on to the two rowdy sophs. Sister Agatha Christie, an 87 year old Carmelite basketball fan, explained, "I've been around the block a few times and I know depravity when I see it. Those boys deserve to have their testicles put in a vice."

The boys played down the nun's complaint by saying, "What's the big deal? "C" and "K" were hung over and didn't show up." School officials mentioned that both Guilden and Wabash were in a special reading program and cannot be held responsible. "Wabash wrote a paper the other day on Huckelbarry Hound by Tark Mwain."

Both boys hired attorneys and will pursue legal relief under the Americans with Disabilities Act.

Jockweb's Al Krumlish Approached to Replace Paul Tagliabue

NEW YORK, NY - Al Krumlish, best known for insightful and in depth responses to childrens' letters on the web site Jockweb.com has been asked to consider replacing NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue upon his retirement this June. "We really wanted Condaleeza," says NFL spokesman Hank Darrish. "But apparently the President has some compromising pictures of her, or something to that effect, so she can't get out of her current contract."

"I flattered," said Krumlish from his North Jersey home. "To think that a one time accused child molester could one day run the NFL gives hope to just about everyone." Krumlish added for the record that he was just helping that little boy get home from a soccer match.

Not everyone was pleased with the offer. "What the fudge?" asked NFL Player representative Gene Upshaw. "I know homeless people more damn qualified than Krumlish. That fat bastard couldn't manage a Taco Bell. He won't survive in the NFL." Upshaw and others point to Krumlish's failures as a little league manager, soccer coach, and maestro of the Phoenix Orchestra. They give little credit for his work with the U.N. or his orchestration of U.S. involvement in Iraq.

Krumlish says he will have his decision to the NFL by the end of April. As for the criticism, Krumlish asks his doubters to "bite me!".

We're proud of Jockweb's contribution to the search for a new NFL commissioner. Way to go AL!

Philadelphia -- On the heals of the signing of ex-Philadelphia Eagle, Terrell Owens, by the Dallas Cowboys, the Philadelphia 76ers basketball team asked the Cowboy management for an additional favor.

Sixers GM Billy King asked Cowboy owner Jerry Jones, "Do you think you could take Allen Iverson, too?" King said this was a great opportunity for both organizations. "Imagine the synergy and marketing opportunities with T.O. and A.I. on the same team," said the excited King.

Jones is said to be considering the offer. "You know me, I just love helping troubled athletes find their way," said Jones. "To me it's all about helping people and I believe deeply in T.O.'s innate goodness. He's going to thrive in the warm, caring atmosphere of the Dallas Cowboys." Iverson thinks the idea is a good one. When asked about his feelings on the matter, Iverson responded, "No one give a damn about A.I. or respect me none. I ain't get no respect. If ain't no one specting me and I ain't specting them. It ain't about money it's about respecting me as a man. Did I mention that I ain't gettin enough respect?"

T.O. echoed A.I.'s respect theme with his comment, "I ain't get no respect. If ain't no one specting me and I ain't specting them. It ain't about the money it's about respecting me as a man."

Atlanta -- Between the hundreds and hundreds college basketball programs, only six schools failed to make it to a post season tournament. Of the 1,000 colleges and universities with basketball programs, 996 are playing in some post-season tournament.

The six schools: Star Jones School of Agriculture and Mining, Murray Steak University, Sushi Culinary College, Blitzer Tech, Strayer On-Line University, and the Anna Nicole College of Striptease Arts failed to win a basketball game all season and therefore were not invited to partake in any of the huge financial payouts which is college basketball.

In order to showcase their programs and build institutional pride the six schools will be playing in the Shamed and Hardup Invitational Tournament or SHIT. The SHIT will take place this weekend and will run up against the NCAA, the NIT, PTC, MTA, KKK, the women's NCAA and NIT, the SCC, SEC, FDA, and the DDT. "We just want to play somewhere," said Star Jones A&M president, Star Jones. "I'm down to a size 22 and I want to see some hoops." Strayer University president Ray Gigahoot said, "You know we can do this whole post-season thing on-line. Teams can just play from the comfort of their own computer."

Murray Steaks of Murray Steaks University announced that sirloin was on sale this week for $3.99 a pound.

A proud family member of an Anna Nicole College of Striptease Arts team displays some terrific school spirit.

Atlanta -- The NCAA announced that it would interrupt all of the 2006 tournament games to allow for a prayer.

"We're just a bit more sensitive then we used to be," said tournament director Sheika Al-Maquire. "There's plenty of room for people with diverse backgrounds and faith to enjoy a little hoops and a little God."

Approximately 50 students kneeled at half-court during a TV time out and chanted praises for about ninety seconds. "We just asked that God bring us more three pointers," said student Ted Tacken. "I'm a Baptist but when we went cold in the first half, I became a Muslim. You know, it's not a bad idea to kneel and pray five times a day. A few billion Muslims can't be all wrong. And besides, if I get to heaven and see God looks like Yassir Arafat, I want to make sure I've got some good will."

Catholics from Gonzaga, Boston College, Georgetown, and Villanova immediately protested the prayer group as an unfair advantage and requested a technical foul be called. Reverend Barney Frankenberry demanded that he be allowed to celebrate Mass during the halftime of the Georgetown-Ohio State game. Frankenberry was granted his request but his sermon was cut short for a Budweiser commercial.

(Jockweb's crack, investigative reporter Eric Tiltissue went undercover to get us this report)

San Diego -- The opening game of the NCAA tournament at San Diego State University was delayed for 70 minutes last Thursday, due to a bomb scare.

However, bomb-sniffing dogs gave a false positive when sniffing what was supposedly bomb making materials. Apparently, bomb materials smell like ass. Given that, it can be fairly easy for canines to get confused between a bomb and ass.

When, lead hound sniffing dog, Barkley, was asked what he smelled, he explained, "It could have been a bomb or John Chaney's ass in the building, I couldn't take that chance, so I had to pull the alarm. I'm a dog, this is my job. I can't get rattled by the whole terrorist thing. For chrissakes, a bomb pales to an angry old man with a rolled up newspaper in his hands." Barkley's handler looked on and responded, "Dumb mutt."

ATF (Alcohol, Firearms, and Tobacco) agent, Smokey Winston said, "There's a real chink in our security armor if we're caught between this bomb and ass thing. Certainly dogs are talented enough for sophisticated police work but you always have to account for the 'ass and hump factor.' "

Barkley on the scene, "That's a bomb, wait a minute, that might be ass...oh yeah, that's definitely ass."

Even more upsetting, Eric had Iona going to the Final Four and they have completely killed his bracket.

PICTURE OF THE DAY: Villanova Guard Allen Ray Makes Speedy Recovery from Eye Injury

Pictured above is Senior Villanova guard Allen Ray shown days after his painful eye injury that forced him out of the Big East Conference Tournament. Ray has been improving every day and has been able to participate in the NCAA Tournament.

SAN DIEGO, CA - "It can't be baseball without America participating," said MLB spokesman Michael Morro. "We will be involved in some capacity." Morro is referring to the fact that the US team has been eliminated from the World Baseball Classic, an event the Americans were supposed to win easily. "No US means no interest locally, no ratings and therefore no money."

A compromise was reached on Monday allowing the defeated US team to play amongst themselves while Japanese businessmen and the Hispanic community watched Cuba take on Japan for the unofficial title.

"The camera will be pointed mostly at Derrick Jeter's private region - something most baseball fans like to see. After Cuba and Japan stop playing, we will announce the US as the winner." Morro also added that this is the way the president wants it, and adds that although there were no weapons of mass destruction, the invasion of Iraq was still the right decision.

For years, many have wondered, both silently and aloud what is a Canuck exactly? The term "Canuck" has come to the