JockWeb Sports Source

Cambridge, MA --Harvard University radically departed from their football history last week when they played their first home football game under the lights.

The 104-year-old landmark, which opened before Fenway Park, is the oldest concrete sports structure in the country. The construction in 1903 drew architectural inspiration from ancient Greece and Rome except now they've added inspiration from Ben Franklin.

"Finally we don't have to use our cars watching night games," said one fan. For years fans pulled their cars to the sidelines and left their car lights on to illuminate the Harvard games. However, there was one huge surprise when the stadium staff finally threw the switch and turned the lights on.

Several hundred people were naked and making love in the stadium when the lights came on. One surprised love maker asked, "What the hell is going on? Turn the goddamn lights off." For years the dark stadium had been a mecca for couples desiring to make love under the stars. "It was dark and really big," said Bostonian Jimmy O'Dool. He added, "This was the best place to bring your lady but now Haaahvaaarh screwed it up with these lights."

Harvard officials admitted, "There are probably more people who want to make love in a dark stadium than watch Harvard football in a lighted stadium."

Columbus, OH -- Ohio State football players received a surprise economics lesson from head coach Jim Tressel at yesterday's practice.

Tressel gathered the players to discuss backup quarterback Antonio Henton's arrest for soliciting sex from an undercover female police officer. Henton offered the officer $20 for sex. Tressel explained to his players the economic foundations of soliciting prostitutes for sex. Tressel told the players, "What I want you to learn from Antonio's mistake is that this is 2007 not 1977. You haven't been able to get sex for $20 since Woody Hayes was the coach."

Players listened intently to their coach but defended Henton's supposed bargain hunting in light of the fact the their football scholarships cover tuition, room and board but no spending money. One player said, "If we want sex we need to scrap together a few bucks by not buying books."

Tressel chuckled saying, "We're not just football coaches, we're teachers. And the kids are here to learn how to become men. And men know that if you go up to a prostitute and offer her $20, she's going to laugh you off the corner." The coach used a very simple supply and demand lesson to drive home his point. "If you were a prostitute," Tressel said with furrowed brow, " and two men came up to you and asked for sex and one had $20 and one had $100, now who would you have sex with?" One anxious player raised his hand and said, "I'd have sex with a woman." Tressel smiled and said to his team, "You're Buckeyes and Buckeyes don't stiff prostitutes for $20."

OSU players were treated to this nifty graph showing the realities of paying for sex. Please direct all questions to Coach Tressel.

Stillwater, OK -- Oklahoma State football coach Mike Gundy fresh off his post-game tirade against a sports columnist announced, "I'm just warming up."

Gundy, who claimed that he never reads a paper because, "it's garbage," added, "and what about this f^*%ing guy John Steinbeck?" The coach said, "I never read books because they're garbage and I've instructed my football players not to read books either because they're garbage." Coach Mike was particularly peeved at Steinbeck and the book, "The Grapes of Wrath."

"The Grapes of Wrath," is a book by author John Steinbeck that portrays the migration of thousands of Oklahomans across the country escaping the "Dust Bowl." Gundy screamed, "The Dust Bowl was our first bowl game and to suggest we ran away to California is just pure bullshit." "Don't these people research the facts?" asked Gundy.

Steinbeck, who is dead, had no comment but a spokesperson for the author said, "Mr. Steinbeck stands by his story." Gundy said that the lead character, Tom Joad, "did all the right things a young man from Oklahoma should and I believe that we as Americans have got to stop reading." "Reading is not fundamental," he screamed, "it's f^&*amental and no one from Oklahoma is ever going to read again!"

Actor Henry Fonda, who portrayed Tom Joad in the movie version is dead and had no comment but his daughter Jane did comment, "Wow, that Ted Turner is really an a-hole."

Cinncinnati, OH -- The Cinncinnati Bengals surprised the entire NFL yesterday when they announced that they had signed the entire University of Texas team as replacements for their current starters.

Coach Marvin Lewis explained, "Our team arrests are way down this season from last and we thought signing the Texas players could help us in that area." Last year the Bengals led the NFL in jail time served and total player arrests. "We looked that this year's squad and we determined that we are in need of some help in the criminal statistic area," said Lewis.

Fortunately for the Bengals, every player on the University of Texas football team has been arrested or in under investigation for something. Coach Mack Brown said, "I hate to lose the kids to the NFL but I can say with confidence these kids are ready to be Bengals." He added, "I'm proud of how well we prepare the kids for the next level."

Lewis told reporters, "Having a criminal element is a great intimidating advantage over your opponent. These guys are going to step in and contribute right away."

We've always been partial to Texas orange. Here some new Bengals get read their constitutional rights.

Ann Arbor, MI -- University of Michigan football player La Terryal Savoy, returned to practice yesterday after he was found not guilty in a jury trial that he exposed himself to a female acquaintance inside Michigan (The Big House) Stadium.

Savoy, a wide receiver, faced one count of indecent exposure, a misdemeanor that carries a maximum penalty of one year in jail and/or a $1,000 fine.

On July 23, Savoy was accused of unzipping his pants and exposing himself to a 21-year-old Ann Arbor woman while the two accidentally met in a tunnel under the stadium. "You'd think a tunnel would be the perfect place to unzipped you fly and whip out your donger," said Michigan coach Lloyd Carr. "But obviously some people take whipping out your donger the wrong way."

Carr thanked Savoy for being in the public eye these last few weeks because he said, "It really took the pressure off an 0-2 start, especially that nightmare loss to Appalachian State." Carr said he promised Savoy a couple of new plays designed just for him. "We're gonna put La Terryal in the slot with just a raincoat on. He flashes the defense, just to freeze them a moment, and then we hit him on a deep post pattern...score!"

Senator Larry Craig (R-Idaho) said, "Hey a stadium tunnel? Wow, I'll bet there aren't any undercover cops waiting in a tunnel!"

New York, NY -- In testimony yesterday in a sexual harassment suit brought against New York Knicks Isiah Thomas, former intern Kathleen Decker asserted that she voluntarily had sex with star player, Stephon Marbury, in 2005 outside of a Westchester strip club.

Anucha Browne Sanders, previously testified that Decker had confided that she felt forced to have sex with Marbury while being drunk and out of control. Sanders' attorneys were trying to establish that "if you're a woman working for the Knicks you'd better be ready to give it up to players and executives."

Decker took the stand and said that she happily gave in to Marbury despite being "fall down drunk," because Marbury promised her a new pair of his famed "Starbury" basketball shoes. The "Starbury" is the creation of Marbury and retailer Steve & Barry's and the low-cost basketball shoe is designed to be an affordable, quality shoe. "I'm wearing them now," she said, "and they're an affordable, quality shoe."

"I love the $14.98 price," testified Decker. "Especially," she added, "when you consider how fast kids grow." Decker was emphatic to the jury, "There is nothing worse that plopping down $120 for a pair of Air Jordans, only to have your kid say a month later 'These don't fit me anymore.'" Decker said that sex for sneakers is a very equitable deal and that Marbury plans to unveil an affordable running shoe later this year to compete head to head "with the big boys."

You don't have to give up free sex to Stephon Marbury for a pair of these. Just visit your local retailer with $14.98.

New York, NY -- After being greeted by huge protests from just about everyone, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was chastised by host Columbia University President Lee Bollinger. Bollinger took the podium and introduced Ahmadinejad as a man who appeared to lack "intellectual courage," and who had a "fanatical mindset." The university chief said to the audience, "Let's hear it, I mean let's really give up, for a guy who is a petty and cruel dictator, who is illiterate and ignorant...my good friend, Ahmaddingdong."

Fortunately, Ahmadinejad didn't understand a word of English and his translator told him that Bollinger said something like, "Hey, here's my buddy Mahmoud, who I think it one of the coolest cats on the planets, and I'm not just saying that because he's developing a nuclear weapon."

Ahmadindjad took the microphone and then proceeded to speak in near flawless Persian. He screamed and raised his hands a lot which he told reporters later, "I learned that from Adolph (Hitler)." He said, "If you really want to get their attention you've got to really go nuts and bang the shit out of the podium." Through his own translator, the petty, ignorant dictator said to Bollinger, "You stand here and insult the President of the very hip country of Iran and yet you play football in the Ivy League?" He added, "You can't even call that football and when was the last time an Ivy team went to a bowl game. It's total bullshit football."

The stunned audience sat shocked as Ahmadindjad cited Columbia's yearly 0 and something record. "If memory serves me correct," he pounded the podium, "I don't think you've been over .500 since 1950." "And" he screamed, "let me coach this team if you're serious about winning."

Iran's President challenged Columbia's President to "just win one game...because I don't think you can."

New York, NY -- Scott Boras, the agent for Yankees infielder Alex Rodriguez, denied that the star player will be packing his bags and leaving for the Chicago Cubs.

Rumors about A-Rod moving to Chi-town have been circulating for the past several day saying he will get a blockbuster contract and ownership in the Cub franchise. The rumors also said that A-Rod is guilty of the old as time, "sock trick." Boras denied that Rodriguez uses a pair of socks to add dimension to his crotch area. "Great players with great demand create great rumors," said Boras. "But," Boras told the Associated Press, "as far as I know, that is all Alex, all the time."

Rodriguez said, "I'm past the sock stage. I may have at one time used the sock trick, but at this stage of my career, I'm genuine." Players in the locker room usually don't lie, and teammates have rallied around their third baseman to support him. Captain Derek Jeter spoke out, "All I can tell you is that I shower with A-Rod everyday and that thing doesn't hang, it coils." He added, "He should put a rattle on and keep it away from people."

Miami Beach, FL -- As Anna Kournikova sipped one too many martinis and tripped, slobbered, and dribbled out of a Miami nightclub she slurred loudly the words, "Look at me, I'm still hot."

Sadly though, at least the U.S. public has turned a blind eye to the less than mediocre tennis star. In a survey of men ages 3 through 96, 89% said, "Yes, I might consider having some type of close encounter with her but I'm probably not using a tennis racket." Others said, "Those breasts had 15 minutes of fame and we're on the 14th minute." 11% said, "Well, we're hanging around for that last minute!"

Kournikova whimpered that although she is missing the spotlight, "Please stop comparing me to Danica Patrick!" The Russian blonde said, "I'm blonde and I'm Russian and I'm not sure what that means. Does that mean it takes me an hour to cook Minute Rice?" The model insisted, "I'm a flash in the pan and and pans go on the stove and pans get hot and that means I'm hotter than Danica, right?"

Ok, maybe there's five minutes left but it's just a matter of time until these beauties are visiting her navel.

South Bend, IN -- Doctors performed emergency surgery on Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis early on Saturday evening after the team's 31-14 loss to Michigan State.

Weis had had stomach surgery last year where his stomach was reduced in size so that he might lose weight. However Weis insisted that doctors reverse the surgery and give him "my big stomach back." Notre Dame is now 0-4 and it is the school's worst start in 119 years. Weis realized shortly after the game that he wanted to throw up but since his stomach size was reduced, there was nothing to throw up.

Doctors say that the surgery was routine and now Weis is stomach is back to normal size. Weis immediately downed 10 burgers, 12 dogs, and a plateful of relish. He then addressed the team and vomited all over the place. "I've been wanting to do that for the past four weeks but I've been unable to," said the affable coach. "But," he added referencing the vomit, "there's what I think of you."

Weis insisted that there was a silver lining to Notre Dame's bad start. "I'm going to lose weight the old fashion way," Weis insisted, "by sweating my ass off about keeping my job."

South Bend, IN -- In an effort to inspire his troops and reverse their abysmal start, Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis invited golfer Tiger Woods to talk with his players and infuse in them the secret to winning.

Woods addressed the team and began by asking the Irish players, "What the hell are you doing playing football?" He explained to the young men, "Let's see, you wear all this equipment, you run around in the heat smashing into each other. And you tell me this is fun?" The reigning British Open champion told the players, "If you ask me, this is really a dumb sport. I mean golf is pretty stupid too but no one ramming a 20 lb. helmet into my gut."

Players left the talk with renewed vigor. One player remarked, "I think Tiger made some pretty good points, especially about instead of wearing equipment on your back, put all of your equipment on the back of a caddy and make him sweat his balls off."

A sophomore 325 lb. offensive tackle said, "I think I learned that there is a place for big, fat guys on the PGA tour. Like I could be like John Daly and drink my f%^&ing ass off and get lots of endorsements."

Woods closed the talk with these words of wisdom, "Fellas, look at me, I've got a quadtillion dollars and the hottest friggin' wife on the planet, and she's the only thing I feel like tackling. So get out of football and play golf."

Philadelphia, PA -- A report in the Philadelphia Inquirer detailed a study where researchers found that small breasted cheerleaders face more criticism than large breasted ones.

One small breasted cheerleader spoke out on the national news forum, "Face the Nation," detailing that though the criticism may be subtle but much is expected from the less buxom women. "You take your Pamela Anderson types," said one anonymous cheerleader, "and they can basically just stand there and if they move inches in either direction, men have a meltdown." "But," she added, "I've got to jump, do flips, climb on pyramids, basically risk my goddamn life and maybe, just maybe a spectator might say, 'nice ass.'"

Longtime cheerleading expert Perky Glandston explained, "It is the ugly, hidden secret of cheerleading." "It's a very covert kind of prejudice," she said, "but just watch where men's eyes go."

Season ticket holder Buster Kayton denied that he was harder on small breasted cheerleaders. "Seriously, I think a small breasted cheerleader is just as good as a large breasted one and I absolutely do not discriminate against one or in favor of another." A moment later Kayton admitted, "Yeah, right, sure, I'm lying through my teeth, honestly I don't believe what I just said, does that sound like total bull shit? Can you believe I actually said that? Okay, you got me...I'm prejudiced, I admit it. The truth's out, what are you going to do to me?"

Atlanta, GA -- Falcons coach Bobby Petrino feels very good about signing former Jacksonville Jaguars quarterback Byron Leftwich to a two-year contract.

"Signing Byron will really cover my ass," say Pertrino, "especially after I accidentally injured Joey Harrington." Petrino claims that he took Harrington along with him to a dog fight in Virginia, "just to see what all the fuss was about." At the dog ring, one spectator bet Petrino that "Harrington couldn't hit a dead dog with a football." The coach claims, "I took exception to that remark because Joey can hit something if it is standing still and he may be able to hit a live dog too."

Petrino put Harrington in the dog ring and sadly Harrington was sacked by a pit bull and suffered some "pretty nasty" dog bites. Later the disgraced Petrino took Harrington home and electrocuted him. "I just gave him a decent shock but not enough to kill him, just enough to let him know I'm the coach," Petrino said.

Harrington later said from his hospital bed, "It just shows you how competitive we are at quarterback." Harrington did plead, "I'll do anything that Bobby wants but please just don't send me back to Matt Millen."

Harrington was tied and bound and then choked by Matt Millen. Harrington said, "To tell you the truth the dogs weren't as bad as the Lions."

Dallas, TX -- Former Chicago Bears defensive lineman Tank Johnson signed a two-year deal with the Dallas Cowboys and will be on the playing field as soon as his eight game suspension is finished or when he gets out of jail.

Johnson, who has had several run-ins with law enforcement over his large gun collection usage, was arrested by Dallas police for his alleged involvement in the shooting death of President John F. Kennedy. "I thought Bush was the President," said the confused Johnson. "Wait a minute," he screamed, "you mean JFK was shot in 1963?" Johnson denied being near the Texas Book Depository where investigators believe the gun was fired that killed JFK.

Attorneys for Johnson said that their strategy will most likely center on the fact that Johnson wasn't born until 1983 and "that it would be difficult to place our client at the crime scene." Film director and JFK conspiracy expert Oliver Stone said, "The Kennedy conspiracy is very far reaching and it is plausible that though Johnson was not on earth at the time of the assassination that he did play a part. Christ, with all those guns he has, he had to kill someone."

Some experts have theorized that Kennedy was killed by Lee Harvey Oswald and that Oswald was not acting alone. Stone said, "We know for a fact that Oswald was a huge Bears fan and would have loved to play for the franchise but was probably cut and went on to shoot Kennedy."

Several important questions need to be answered: Did Oswald act alone? Is this one of those French menage things? AND is that a Speedo he's wearing?

Foxboro, MA -- Several people from Bill Belichick's past have come forward to reveal that the New England coach didn't begin cheating last weekend against the New York Jets.

Sister Anastasia Eustace of the Pointer Sisters, was Bill Belichick's eighth grade teacher. "He was a little sneaky, cheatin' son of a bitch," said the 94-year-old nun. "Back in those days there were no video cameras but Belichick would use a 'Polaroid' camera to cheat during tests," she explained. "He was always looking at other students answers and then he'd snap a picture, and then he'd have to wait 60 seconds for the picture to develop." she added. "It was really a primitive cheating system," she continued. Sister Anastasia became red with anger just thinking of the adolescent Belichick and then fumed, "And he always wore these ugly grey sweatshirts with cut-off sleeves. He was a miserable looking f$^&er."

Belichick's high school guidance counselor Harry Belaphante said, "Yes, we all remember Bill Belichick, the poorly dressed, lowdown, cheating mother f%^&er," said Belaphante. "I thought all this time he was looking for naked women to photograph with his camera and now I hear all he was doing was looking for some football signals?" asked the counselor. " "I guess it just goes to show you, if you have a video camera it's probably just better to photograph naked women than football signals," he lamented.

Hundreds of thousands Belichick cheating stories have surfaced in the past few days by hundreds of thousands Belichick haters. Belichick asked, "Do you think if I just stopped with the sweatshirt look, my luck would change?"

Nashville, TN -- Suspended Tennessee Titans cornerback Adam "Pac Man" Jones took one step closer to reinstatement into the NFL but announcing his conversion to Judaism. Moments after his conversion, Jones complained that the NFL is anti-Semitic and if "I wasn't Jewish, they would have never suspended me."

Jones explained to reporters that with Yom Kippur just on the horizon it just may be the perfect opportunity to "publicly atone for my misbehaviors and look damn good in the process." NFL commissioner Roger Goodell said, "I'd like nothing better than to see Pac Man in Temple for a day or two." Jones said he was excited to go to Temple but he asked, "Has Temple ever had a winning season?" However Jones said he looked forward to brushing up on his Hebrew and "now I know how to say, 'I'm sorry, take me back cause I'm losing lots of cash.'"

Rabbi Meyer Birnbaum said that the conversion was going smoothly except for one small detail. "We can't get a yarmulke to stay on Adam's head, he explained." "And," he added, "when we do get it on him he looks like an umbrella." Birmbaum said that Temple officials solved the problem by simply, "cutting a hole in the middle of the yarmulke."

The relieved Jones exclaimed in Hebrew, "Let's get to the praying and fasting over with so I can't get back on the field and kick some one in the kibbutz."

Jones said he was confident he could help Temple win at least one game this season.

Nusa Dua, Indonesia -- Lindsay Davenport defeated Danilea Hantuchova at the Bali Open on Sunday to win her first tennis tournament after a one year hiatus.

The 31-year-old Davenport had to defeat Jelena Jankovic and Eleni Daniilidou on the way to the finals. Davenport returned to her first tournament since having a baby boy in June. She said, "It's really a bitch playing a two-hour match while the kid is screaming his lungs out in the stands." Davenport was referring to baby son "Jagger," who had to wait for the third set to be over before he could get some dinner.

"I left a bottle with my husband but Jagger wanted the real thing," explained Davenport. Davenport's husband Jon Leach commented, "I swear to God, this kid never takes a bottle from me. As soon as she leaves the house, he starts screaming and I feel helpless."

Davenport had to overcome two hours of severe lactation before she could put Hantuchova away. "Try running on a court with engorged breasts," said nursing expert Dr. Filomena Phillips. "What's amazing that with all the leaking that takes place, she never once slipped on the wet court."

Rolling Stones singer Mick Jagger added, "It's really strange but whenever little Jagger Davenport cries, I lactate too."

Stones frontman Mick Jagger showing his lactating breasts. "Try singing for a three-hour concert with breasts full of milk," he complained.

Halmstad, Sweden -- Former LPGA golfer turned golf analyst spoke out against her fellow women golfers telling her audience that there's a reason the America's team is doing so bad against the European team. The comment caused lots of confusion among players and officials and some people even think Pepper might be saying that the American women's performance is related to their looks and their sexual behavior.

"They're just a bunch of choking dogs," said Pepper, referring to the American team. "You can take that anyway you want to," she added. Several players did not know how to take the comment and spent the day trying to figure out the Pepper's message. One player said, "I'm confused." She asked "Is Dottie saying that I'm a dog and that I'm performing a certain act that might result in choking?" "Wow, that's a comment that can have multiple interpretations," she added.

Pepper responded by saying, "If the shoe fits and you're choking on something that shouldn't be in your mouth then by all means, wear it. We all know what's causing the choking." Another American team member Christie Kerr asked, "Gee I'm confused too. Is she saying like I'm a choking on a bone like a retriever might or is she saying I'm choking on like a boner?" Again Pepper was emphatic, "You can't play golf and engage in activities that cause choking. And again, we all know what I'm talking about."

Several members of the PGA commented on the situation. Phil Mickelson said, "We all know what causes choking and we all know it's probably something sexual and I ought to know because of all of the choking I've done." Senator Larry Craig perked up and asked, "Who's talking about choking? Where, when?"

Sometimes we think we're a lot younger than we are. Whether in the disco or the track, let's face it, you're pooped after three steps. You're thinking, "Where did my energy go?" And then you remember, "I never had any energy." You think some more. You realize that "life is short, I'm going die." And then you say, "I don't even know what I'm doing here. And I don't mean here on the couch, I mean here on the planet." And the existential woes just start to bear down on you. "Is there an afterlife?" "What if there is no God? Or worse what if there is a God and he's a Hindu and I've been making fun of Hindus?" Maybe it's time for you to stop thinking so much because it's just f^&*ing you up. Go out and exercise. And then you say, "Exercise sucks! And when I'm finished I'm sore as Tina Turner after an Ike beating."

I tell all my patients if you have a special treat for yourself at the end of the exercise session then sometimes that treat acts as a great external motivator. And what treat could be better than sitting in a tub of crude oil. You know what they say in Iraq? Crude oil isn't just for cars. Why not sit in bathtub full of freshly pumped black gold? You can't believe what it does to an aching body. Truthfully, it doesn't do much but while you're sitting in the tub you have a thought like, "Hey I'm sitting in a bathtub full of crude oil." And shortly after you might say to yourself, "Hey, there are people fighting wars over the very stuff I'm sitting in." Or "Hey a barrel of oil just broke through the $80 mark on the New York Merchantile Exchange." Soon you're lost in thought. You're relaxing, and so are those aching muscles. And most importantly, no more annoying thoughts about whether or not there is a God or if there is an afterlife, you're probably going to hell.

Dr. Baha relaxing in a tub of oil. "You should see my amazing fart bubbles," he chuckled.

Las Vegas, NV -- Police are investigating a claim that former football player O.J. Simpson broke into a casino hotel room to steal sports memorabilia that he says was stolen from him.

Police responded to a call when one casino employee found 50 people stabbed and dead inside a casino lobby. O.J. Simpson claimed he was on a plane to Chicago to film a Hertz commercial. Police immediately became suspicious when one policeman realized, "I'm not positive but I don't think Hertz has usd O.J. for commercials in a few years." When Simpson got off the plane he did admit being near and inside the casino but I didn't stab anyone.

Simpson did perk up when he realized, "Hey there might be a book idea here." "Let's see," he continued, "'If I Did Rob the Casino...' sounds like a great working title." In his upcoming book Simpson said, "If I did rob the casino I probably wouldn't have time to stab 50 people but if I had the time that's probably what I would do."

Hundreds of millions of people across the globe responded in over 78 languages to the latest Simpson news event with a cool, "Who gives a shit?"

Simpson added, "If I did play blackjack at this table, I'd probably stab all these people but I was on a plane to Chicago."

Portland, OR -- Portland Trailblazers rookie center and franchise savior Greg Oden will miss his first season with the team due to a knee injury which required surgery.

Oden underwent a successful medical procedure to repair a microfracture in his knee but will have to sit out his much anticipated NBA debut. Portland GM maintained an upbeat attitude when meeting with reporters but later admitted, "Don't take this upbeat attitude as real because as I wear a smile, I have shit my pants." Pritchard added, "My advice to the youngsters out there listening is that if you're going to shit your pants, try doing it with a smile on your face. Handling a personal bowel problem with great calm can really keep your critics off-guard."

Pritchard did admit that he was ready for the bad news about his billion dollar baby. "I've got a plan B or I wouldn't be a GM," explained Pritchard. "We're going to bring back Sam Bowie to replace Greg. How's that for economy?" Pritchard was referring to the Blazers 1987 first round pick, who they drafted ahead of Hakeem Olujuwan and Michael Jordan. "It's time for Sam to step to the plate and earn the $42 million dollars we pissed down the toilet," Pritchard emphatically added.

Bowie left basketball, painted himself red, white, and blue and has been employed for the last 20 years as a barber pole outside of "Len's He-Man Haircuts Without Any Styling and Barbershop." "I've had a great career as a barber pole," said Bowie, "though I have to say it's tough spinning around for eight hours a day." "But," he added, "we are closed on Mondays."

Bowie said, "It will be nice to get inside again. Being a barber pole in the dead of winter really sucks."

Houston, TX -- The of the NFL's Houston Texans Robert McNair announced that would donate $100 million dollars to the Baylor College of Medicine. This gift equals the largest donation the school has ever received. In addition McNair also donated defensive end Mario Williams as part of the deal.

McNair said that he hopes that the donation will fund research into breast cancer, pancreatic cancer, and juvenile diabetes. He added, "And I hope they can fix my broken heart for not drafting Reggie Bush last year." McNair was referring to the severe heart condition he developed after drafting Mario Williams with the first pick in the 2006 draft. A teary eyed McNair wimpered, "I just hope Mario can do more for medical research than he's done for the Houston Texans."

Baylor medical director Dr. Boris Bednarik said, "I'd like to take his f^&*ing brain out and see what the hell he was thinking." McNair said he would make up the mistake to the entire Houston community by donating Williams' body to medical science. "I just hope he's a better experimental subject than a defensive end," added Bednarik.

Williams was immediately scrubbed down and prepared for his first study. A surgeon explained, "We tried looking for his sacs (alveoli) but the guy doesn't have a sac in him."

Doctors are trying to find a link between scent producing sacs found in some dogs to some NFL football players.

Spokane, WA -- Gonzaga University basketball player Josh Heytvelt has recently completed over 300 hours of community service for possession of hallucinogenic mushrooms. Heytvelt met with reporters and told a tale of a "bad trip" with Gonzaga coach Mark Few.

"Hallucinogens are a mainstay of the Gonzaga program and it starts with the coach and goes from there," said Heytvelt. "At halftime, we would drink LSD laced Kool-Aid and listen to the Jimi Hendrix experience," Heytvelt explained. "Coach Few often would say to me, 'Josh, you cover Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds and make sure you follow her down to a place by a river with tangerine trees and marmalade skies,'" he continued. Heytvelt defended himself by saying, "Now where the hell would I find tangerine trees and marmalade skies in Spokane?"

Heytvelt showed reporters a Gonzaga offensive set. "Now, how are you going to understand that without a few mushrooms?" he asked.

Foxboro, MA -- The New England Patriots have hired Idaho Republican Senator Larry Craig as a sideline coach for the remainder of the 2007 season.

The Patriots are under intense scrutiny by the NFL offices for stealing signals from opposition sidelines. "Who knew you couldn't use a video camera to steal signals?" asked Patriots head coach Bill Belichick. Leave it to Belichick to figure out a way around the rules.

Belichick introduced Craig to the media by saying, "Who knows more about signals than Larry Craig?" Craig explained that, "for years I've been trying to find a blow, I mean, coaching job but I guess I was just looking in all the wrong places." "There will be a period of adjustment," said Craig, "but hey a signal is a signal."

Yesterday Belichick had Craig out on the field because, "we've got to get him used to working in an outdoor environment." The two new coaches worked on several new signals and one in particular drew the attention of several thousand male fans. Craig ran his hand along the underside of the bench which in NFL terms, is secret code for, "there's a lot of ass on a bench."

Craig was ecstatic after his first day on the job. "If there's any sex to be had with the opposing team, I'm confident that I'll be able to pick up that signal and pass it on to my fellow coaches." He added, "Maybe I won't, maybe I'll just keep that secret to myself."

Ann Arbor, MI -- Deceased former Michigan coach Bo Schembechler has come back from the dead to fire current coach Lloyd Carr. Schembechler, though dying in 2006, still makes all athletic decisions for the Wolverine athletic program.

"He's our Athletic Director and he's still calling the shots," said one athletic department employee. Schembechler's replacement Bill Martin said, "It's real stressful answering to a dead guy because you never know when he's going to show up."

But Schembechler has been active in the past few days appearing regularly at the home of current coach, Lloyd Carr. Michigan's opening two losses and their tumble out of the Top 25 have riled Schembechler. Carr says that Schembechler has been moving through his house late at night brandishing kitchen knives and promising to hire former Notre Dame coach Gerry Faust to replace Carr.

"I can't sleep," said Carr, "and it's really friggin' annoying listening to post-game criticism at 4am." "Last night," Carr explained, "he showed me the ghosts of Michigan past, present, and future." Carr said, "I got my wife next to me snoring and Bo showing me replays of the Oregon game." Carr said, "Fortunately, I was able to fall back into a deep sleep watching our anemic offense."

New York, NY -- Former New York Knicks coach Larry Brown will testify against his former boss, GM Isiah Thomas in an on-going sexual harassment suit brought on by a female Knicks employee.

It is alleged that Thomas turned to the woman for emotional support, which turned into sexual overtures, after his efforts to woo Larry Brown were rejected. Witnesses say rumors were circulated back in 2005 that Brown and Thomas were intimate but that Brown wanted to break off the relationship to concentrate on the Knicks' 40-game-losing streak. At the time Brown supposedly commented, "You can't commit to a relationship at the same time you're committed to the worst team in basketball, something has to give."

Thomas turned to a woman, Anucha Brown Sanders, for consolation. Thomas said, "I touched her breasts repeatedly which was a great comfort to me after being rejected by Larry." Brown explained, "I touched her breasts repeatedly which was a great comfort to me after being rejected by everyone."

Jury selection will begin today. Attorneys for both sides spent the entire day looking for breasts that hey may touch repeatedly for great comfort because as one lawyer said, "As attorneys, we're very often rejected."

New York, NY -- NFL security confiscated a video camera and its tape from a New England Patriots employee suspected of stealing signals from the New York Jets during Sunday's game.

Clubs are strictly prohibited from videotaping an opponent's sidelines. NFL spokesperson Greg Aiello said, "We don't mind if you tape the cheerleaders and truthfully I ask you, which would you rather tape, Jets cheerleaders gyrating to 'Achy Breaky Heart' or Eric Mangini scratching his left nut?"

The Patriots' cameraman was suspected of aiming his camera at Mangini's crotch. "He's either a defensive genius or he's got jock rot," said one Patriots coach, "because I couldn't keep up." He added, "Mangini touched himself more than Pee Wee Herman having wings at Hooters."

Patriots' coach Bill Belichick vehemently denied the allegations. "I was touching myself too," he barked. But Mangini revealed that the Patriots had infiltrated his veil of secrecy and "now everyone knows we run plays in and out using a 'Tickle Me Elmo' doll." Mangini admitted that, "I use couriers to carry the plays via Elmo and now I've got to go to Toys R Us and start all over."

Washington, DC -- House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi scored a stunning upset over President George Bush in an arm wrestling contest brought on by some anti-Republican slurs from the Democratic leader.

Apparently President Bush took exception to Pelosi's off-handed remark last week that "if you want to get a bathroom really clean, don't let any Republicans use it." Pelosi later said, "I was only kidding good friend and colleague Larry Craig so what's the big deal?" But President Bush took exception to the comment and said, "Republicans are real men and we can kick your ass." With that Bush challenged Pelosi to an arm-wrestling challenge on the House floor.

After several minutes of some groaning and gritting of teeth, Pelosi emerged victorious. Bush immediately cried foul and accused Pelosi of lifting her elbow off of the table to gain an advantage. "Come on, you all saw it," he protested. "She was standing up, using two hands," he exclaimed.

Pelosi quipped as she walked away, "Sounds like a Republican at a urinal, doesn't it?"

President Bush and Pelosi during the tense arm-wrestling contest. Is her elbow off the table? It will be for history to decide.

Zygmont, MN -- A near fatal disaster was avoided yesterday by some heads up cheerleaders. Three cheerleaders were thrown out of a hot air balloon cruising at 3,000 feet but with a couple of deft moves and teamwork, the cheerleaders landed safely on the ground.

It all began with a routine hot air balloon promotion at the halftime of the Zygmont-Peckerline high school football game yesterday. Several cheerleaders volunteered to cheer from the balloon as it passed over the stadium. Mindy Muchmore, one the cheerleaders explained, "The operator of the balloon looked a little crazy and right after we took off, I felt he was either going to grope me or throw me out to the balloon."

Mindy's premonition turned true, when former convict Jed Gooseheimer, the balloon operator began to grope the three cheerleaders as soon as the balloon was high enough where no one could witness the attack. The heady girls resisted Gooseheimer's advances and shortly after he threw them from the balloon. The entire cheerleading squad reacted quickly to the incident and caught each of the girls with a routine that was a perfect "10".

A spokesperson for the balloon company said, "If we knew Jed was an escaped convict we probably wouldn't have hired him." He added, "It just goes to show you the importance of doing background checks."

Cheerleader Becky Becker said, "I realized after I was thrown from the balloon that this was a great cheerleading opportunity so I just tucked my legs did 44 somersaults knowing my teammates would catch me."

Hidden Mountain, Pakistan -- The long awaited new Osama Bin-Laden DVD was released yesterday and played on the Al-Jeery Lewis network.

Bin Laden dressed in his signature whites and turban called for the world to convert to Islam. "If you all convert to Islam, I promise, I'll let you call Yusef Islam, Cat Stevens again." Bin Laden was referring to the one-time pop star turned Islamic activist.

In a related entertainment demand, Bin Laden said, "If there isn't a better Super Bowl halftime show this year, I'm telling you all bets are off...No more Mr. Nice Guy." The terrorist mastermind added, "Come on, Prince? I'll even take a Janet Jackson encore to Prince."

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell said, "Though we appreciate Osama's input, we'll not be bullied into a decision based on the fear of having the whole stadium blown up." He added, "I think we're going to sit down with Osama and hash things out. There's room for compromise here." Prince was reached for comment and said, "Why doesn't anyone take to me? I'm a nice f$%^ing guy! And frankly this hurts a lot."

Eden Prairie, MN -- Minnesota Vikings coach Brad Childress revealed an apparently tense conversation he had with New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick about just about everything.

The conversation between the two began because Childress called Belichick and ask him not to claim tight end Garrett Mills off of waivers. Childress wanted a player to pass through waivers and Belichick wanted to claim the player. This really pissed Childress off. "We cut Garrett as a reward," said Childress.

Childress admitted, "Yes, we cut people as a reward. That's like saying that my wife having a headache is as good as her having sex with me," said Childress. "Let's just say I don't get the whole waiver thing," he added. Belichick took exception to the phone call that Childress initiated by saying, "If my wife tells me I have a headache, I tell her if you don't have sex with me, you're cut and if you want to call that a reward then so be it."

Childress realized that he had told the press too much. "My wife doesn't really have a headache," he explained. "I said too much and now she'll probably never have sex with me," he added. "But while we're on the subject of Bill Belichick, what's up with the sweatshirts with the cut-off sleeves. He really looks like a sneaky, dishonest guy who'd claim someone off of waivers even though I don't know how the whole waiver thing works," said Childress.

Belichick concluded, "Maybe I should just go over to his house and have sex with his wife because, I can't believe ESPN reported this whole stupid phone conversation as news." concluded Belichick.

What is with these cut off sweatshirt sleeves? And how is this guy having sex with Brad Childress' wife?

Los Angeles, CA -- Los Angeles Lakers owner Dr. Jerry Buss announced the end of a three month experiment. "I'm a doctor and I love to do science," said Buss. The Buss hypothesis stated, "An old guy with lots of money and drugs can pick up young, hot women."

Buss explained his experiment, "I enjoy the scientific method and I need to know things scientifically." Throughout the experiment, the 74-year-old owner cruised the streets of Los Angeles for 90 days armed only with bags of money and cocaine. In all, Buss made contact with 1,278 women, of which, 1,234 accepted his overtures to "get in the car and have sex with me."

"That's over a 95% response rate," said Buss, "or as we say in scientific circles, statistically significant." Buss concluded, "It's pretty clear that money and drugs can help an old guy's sex life." Buss, who plans to publish his findings in the upcoming AMA journal, admitted, "I was real drunk for the past several months. In fact I was sooo drunk, I bought the rights to the next Paris Hilton movie."

The experiment ended when Buss was finally pulled over by LAPD for "driving with his pants down." An LAPD spokesperson said, "We take driving with your pants down very seriously even if it's in the name of science." LAPD removed Buss from his car and beat him senseless with billy clubs just because, "we've haven't had a high profile beating in awhile."

New York, NY -- Former New York Giants running back Tiki Barber is lashing out at former coach Tom Coughlin in his new tell all book, "Don't Call Me Tiki Lamp!"

In the book, Barber explains that people have always called me "Tiki Lamp like those torches you buy at Home Depot." In addition Barber says that, "I'd still be playing today if Tom Coughlin was not the coach of the New York Giants." Barber's comments spurred others to come forward with their own anti-Coughlin sentiments.

Former Giants legend Frank Gifford said, "I'd still be playing today if it wasn't for Tom Coughlin." Gifford, who is somewhere around 80-years-old added, "And I probably would have never married Kathy Lee if it wasn't for Tom Coughlin.

Beatles legend Paul McCartney weighed in and blamed Tom Coughlin for the breakup of the Beatles. McCartney fumed as he told reporters, "Tom Coughlin talked me into marrying Heather Mills and we all know how that worked out." "Maybe," said the lovable bass player, "I should have married Kathy Lee."

President Bush chimed in, "I would have never invaded Iraq if it wasn't for Tom Coughlin." Bush added, "All that bullshit about weapon of mass destruction? Tom Coughlin's idea."

Kathy Lee Gifford said that "I'd still be with Regis if it wasn't for Tom Coughlin."

New York, NY -- The NBA will institute video instant replay to review altercations and flagrant fouls starting this season.

NBA commissioner David Stern explained that "If the fights are really good, we'll probably put them on Pay-Per-View." Stern added, "One of my big regrets as commissioner was that we really didn't make any money off of the fight at Auburn Hills." Stern was referring to the melee between the Pacers and Pistons back in 2005. "We want to market our fighting internationally because frankly our fights are about as good professional retread fights you'll see between let's say Mike Tyson and Andrew Golata."

Former NBA official Tim Donaghy said, "Gee, I wish we had that when I was refereeing. Can you imagine the shaving I could have done with a second view?"

Senator Larry Craig from Idaho insisted, "I am not a homosexual despite soliciting sex from an undercover bathroom cop."

Stern asked, "How would you like to watch some instant replay of these refs in slow mo?"

Jockweb HQ -- Jockweb CEO and Iraqi Parliament member Shecky Sheckstein announced that he was changing the direction of the 2008 Jockweb "Swimsuit Edition."

The Jockweb "Swimsuit Edition" has become a staple of men's rooms around the world as men look at risque pictures of almost naked bikini clad women while simultaneously fantasizing, fondling, and frustrating themselves. Sheckstein said, "Enough is enough. I can no longer be responsible for a huge global circle jerk," explained Sheckstein. "It's too much responsibility and frankly Jockweb readers should stop living their idyllic sexual visions vicariously through the cyber world which our publication occupies," he added. "In other words, get off your damn computer, get out there and hustle some ass," Sheckstein proclaimed.

As a compromise for having their readers go "cold turkey," Sheckstein said "We'll keep a few bikini shots BUT ones you can proudly be looking at when your wife or girlfriend sneak up behind you trying to catch you looking at porn."

Lemont, IL -- Exhausted British Open champion Padraig Harrington has withdrawn from next week's $7 million BMW championship signaling an end to his FedEx Cup run.

"I'm knackered," said Harrington. Linguists throughout the world argued throughout the yesterday about what the word "knackered" actually means. Several professionals who were consulted defined "knackered" as "having one's testes removed." Old English Language professor Dr. Hayden Pips explained, "Yes, to be knackered is to have your balls removed."

No one in the golf world could comprehend why Harrington would have his testicles removed and Harrington gave no indication that in actuality his balls were indeed removed. One tour spokesperson said, "It seems highly unlikely that Padraig would voluntarily have his balls removed so that fact that he claims to be knackered is unusual."

There is one case on the books where a suburban London man was knackered professionally. 62-year-old Clive Critterton complained about pain in his groin area. He asked his conventional doctors to remove his testicles, and they refused. Critterton turned to "professionals" who for a small fee, removed them.

"If Padraig did have his testicles removed then he should find great success on the LPGA because Padraig can strike the ball very well with or without testicles," said his swing coach Duffy MacDuffie.

Ann Arbor, MI -- School officials at the University of Michigan have decided to call off the entire 2007-2008 school year. Michigan state officials are actually toying with the idea of canceling the University's state charter.

"I say we blow the place up, build another, and hire Nick Saban," said one angry fan. Politicians, students, and fans of all persuasions agreed on one thing, "We're sure depressed, like we're heroin addicted depressed." Michigan lost to Division 1AA Appalachian State on Saturday and to add insult to injury, were voted out of the Top 25 today.

One fan explained the heartbreak of this weekend's loss by saying, "Their football players were married to the cheerleaders and everyone was first cousins." One Appalachian State player retorted, "You should be so lucky to date my first cousin you out of the Top 25 losing Wolverine." Appalachian State officials rejoiced in their victory over Michigan but wanted to reiterate, "We do not in any way condone the marriage of first cousins. If you have the chance to marry within a family, it is always preferable to marry a sibling."

Los Angeles, CA -- ESPN reporter and NFL analyst John Clayton was seen last night in arms of Hollywood bad girl Lindsay Lohan.

Clayton has long had the reputation as a Hollywood gigolo after breaking the hearts of Angelina Jolie, Julia Roberts, and Whoopi Goldberg in succession. Clayton winked saying, "And they don't call her Whoopi for nothing."

However Clayton and Lohan were seen in a Mercedes convertible driving erotically. Police stopped the two and Clayton exited the vehicle wearing only his Rolex watch. Lohan, apparently in a drug induced coma woke up momentarily and said, "Yes, I see, I have a severe drug problem. Wow he looked different of TV." A police spokesman said, "The guy is a menace to society but can he ever get the chicks."

Clayton coaxed the police out of writing any tickets by giving them "keen insights to the upcoming NFL season." Clayton bragged, "All I have to do when the fuzz pull me over is drop a couple of behind the scenes locker room secrets and I'm the man!"

Seoul, South Korea -- South Korea lost another vote to host the 2014, 2018, and 2022 Winter Olympic games and government officials are starting to notice a pattern.

IOC officials are keeping their lips sealed as to why the ting nation is being shut out of the bidding process. "We think it has something to do with something but we can't figure it out," said one South Korean official. "Do you think it may be connected to the fact that dog is a staple of our diet?"

Observers are speculating that this may indeed be the case. "Of course it's about the dog issue," said one anonymous IOC member from the United States. "We can't put Michael Vick on trial and then go eat dog at a concession stand in Korea. How would that look?" he asked. "Speaking for myself," he added, "I like dog on a roll with some mustard but we're talking the Olympics here."

The Korean official said, "Really, you ought to try some dog, it taste like chicken."

Many recipes in Korea call for "one cup of dog." One chef said, "It just adds the right zip to any recipe. I use it in place of Tabasco."

Boise, ID -- Idaho Senator Larry Craig was unsuccessful in his bid to solicit homosexual sex at the weekend bocce tournament in Boise.

Craig, a high profile Republican senator, emphatically denied that he was a homosexual but he did say, "If I was a homosexual I would really enjoy finding a gay bocce ball player." Hundreds of gay men gathered to play bocce in the tenth annual "Gay Bocce Extravaganza." The " Gay Bocce Extravaganza" was part of Idaho's new advertising campaign called, "Idaho, We're More Than Potatoes." Senator Craig said, "Gay bocce will always have a home in Idaho and if men need a place to play bocce and have sex, we welcome them to our state even though I, myself, am not a homosexual."

The American Gay Bocce Ball Association said, "We're happy to be in Idaho playing bocce and having same sex sex and on top of it, we just love eating potatoes." Senator Craig denied trying to score sex with gay players when he was seen rolling bocce balls under stalls in Boise public restrooms. "I was just rolling the ball under the stall trying to play a little sport," explained Craig. "How did I know that that was a sign that I wanted sex?" he asked.

One gay bocce ball player said, "Just for anybody who is interested, if you want to send a signal in a public restroom that you indeed want sex, then just roll a bocce ball under several stalls. But do check for undercover police posing as gay bocce ball players."

New York, NY -- New York Giants head coach Tom Coughlin promised that he will not tolerate shabby play from his team in 2007.

Coughlin said that he is a firm believer in discipline and he guaranteed that he would "go further than I have in the past" to keep his players in line. "There's a lot at stake for me this year," said Coughlin. "I'm in the last year of a contract and I'll be damned if I gonna let some punk screw up my gig because of a lack of concentration," the coach explained to the media.

Players have revealed that Coughlin is not beyond issuing a stiff dose of corporal punishment and some players have even told stories of severe physical torture for failings such as fumbling or interceptions. Eli Manning said that Coughlin has administered some severe "whippings" to him and because of it, "my passing rating is way up."

Coach Coughlin added that, "Today's player is a pansie ass and there's nothing I enjoy more than smacking around a pansie ass." Coughlin added that he had watched a lot of film in the off-season but, "not necessarily football film if you catch my drift."

Coughlin said, "I only want to make my players better." Tiki Barber said, "I got out just in time, heh?"

Green Bay, WI -- Green Bay Packers quarterback Brett Favre faced the media yesterday and answered some tough questions about, "When is enough, enough?"

Favre has been under intense scrutiny by the press and fans alike wanting to know "when the hell are you going to just quit?" The quarterback emphatically stated that he thinks the focus on his age is entirely unfair. Favre said that he was optimistic that "I've still got 10 seasons in me." Favre was very direct in his personal assessment of himself, "I think I'm approaching my best years right now and I don't think it's right to judge me by my aging looks."

Packers coach Mike McCarthy said, "I think realistically, Brett might just play into his 70's and that's good for Green Bay and that's good for old people."

Favre said his high fiber diet "has kept me regular and that's important for a quarterback." "At my age," he explained, "there's nothing more satisfying than a healthy bowel movement."

Favre told reporters that age is just a "state of mind." He's got that bowel movement thing right.

Philadelphia, PA -- Perennial NCAA doormat and new MAC conference Temple University unveiled their new "no" uniform look yesterday at their opening Media Day.

Temple opens against Navy at Lincoln Financial Field and second year coach Al Golden said, "It's time to stop making fun of Temple." Sadly Golden's mic was not functioning and everyone present continued to make fun of Temple. Golden said that the team has decided to go with the "no" look as a strategic move. "You've heard of the no-huddle offense?" asked the coach. "Well we're going to surprise a lot of folks this year, with the "no" uniform look," he explained. "We think it's possible that by the time the opponent recognizes we're on the field, we might already have scored a few touchdowns."

An athletic department spokesperson said that the University was trying to cut back on their football budget. "It's bleeding us to the tune of a couple of mil a year and we haven't had a winning season since the Alamo," he said. Despite the fact the uniforms were almost non-existent, the players are optimistic. "We're going to turn this thing around," said safety James Pastie. "Uniforms don't make a winner, character does," he continued.

Golden said, "I'm damn proud of these kids and I'm very thankful our school is located in North Philadelphia. There is no shortage of spray paint in this neck of the woods."

Los Angeles, CA -- Dallas Maverick jazillionaire owner Mark Cuban was selected as a contestant for the popular television show, "Dancing With The Stars" and then quickly thrown off the show during the first rehearsal.

"Basically," said one producer, "we realized our mistake right away." He explained, "Some lower level functionary screwed up even considering him to begin with. We have a strict "no ass-hole" policy on the show and clearly this employee will be fired."

Apparently Cuban became loud and obnoxious during early rehearsals for the show complaining about the judges. One person at the rehearsals said, "He just whined about how the judges were probably going to be against him and that everyone in the world is against him and if he dances the whole country will probably be against him and his parents have always been against him and generally the whole theme of his tirade was the God made him just so God could be against him."

"I can't buy a break," said an angry Cuban. "I'm a nice guy, why don't people see that?" he lamented as he sat in his Ferrari.

New York, NY -- Major League Baseball security stopped Terry Francona and took him to an abandoned tunnel and made him strip naked.

During the second inning of Wednesday game against the Yankees, Francona was called out of the dugout so an security official could make sure he was wearing the proper uniform under his Red Sox pullover jacket.

The officials asked Francona to take off his jacket and then his shirt. "We were looking for the official MLB sticker on his t-shirt," said one official. "But what we found was shocking," he explained. Apparently Francona was wearing the entire contents of page 14 of the August "Victoria's Secret" catalogue.

Francona was then made to take off his baseball pants and because as one official described the scene, "we were sort of turned on." Later Francona defended himself saying that the matching set of silk bra and panties "is just one of those baseball superstitions that help us win."

Bob Watson of the MLB office said, "I'm disappointed in Terry because if you're going to put on underwear like that underneath your baseball uniform, it's really incomplete without spike heels." Francona said later, "The heels are out of the question. I usually have to go to the mound once or twice a game and heels would be very impractical."

The real secret behind the Red Sox pennant run.

Daytona Beach, FL -- Florida law enforcement officers are investigating an alleged cocaine ring among greyhound race dogs at racetracks throughout Florida.

After several dogs tested positive for cocaine before a race on Wednesday, police discovered this may just be the tip of the iceberg. "These are not your typical dogs, they are privileged athletes who command large salaries," said one police officer. He explained, "They have money and a lot of time on their hands and sometimes they find themselves around an unsavory societal element," he added.

The Florida greyhound culture attracts dogs from all over the world who frequent lush kennels and are extremely "pampered pooches." One veteran dog trainer said, "These dogs feel that they are above the law and crack cocaine is part of the whole racing dog image." He told reporters of dogs with thousand dollar jeweled collars and luxury doghouses. "These dogs run fast and live fast," he said " and after a race, we hose them down, cool them off with water, and then they've got the rest of the day to get into trouble."

Drug experts say that dog drug abuse is at an all-time high in this country because as one analyst put, "They're dogs and they see no way out of a their future as a dog."

Former cocaine sniffing greyhounds detoxing at the Betty Ford Dog Rehabilitation Clinic.

Atlanta, GA -- Atlanta Falcons owner and Home Depot founder Arthur Blank sent a letter to the Michael Vick camp yesterday. The letter outlined his demand to have Vick return $20 million dollars and a large quantity of borrowed tools.

"I'm not that concerned with the money," said a agitated Blank, "but I really want the tools back." Vick, a self-described "tool junkie," is said to have a complete garage full of Blank's tools. "Michael used me for my tools," explained Blank. Blank told reporters that Vick would often come over and say he would borrow a tool just for an hour or so, "and then you'd never see it again."

"He took a really sweet weedwhacker from me back in 2004 and to add insult to injury he took it to Home Depot and tried to return it for a full refund," steamed Blank. Blank also revealed that Vick was extremely interested in anything electrical. "I just thought he had a real scientific curiosity when it came to electricity and it turns out, he did."

Attorneys for Vick said that Vick would cooperate and return the money but they insist that Blank is an "indian giver." Vick said that Blank encouraged him to borrow "any tool I wanted." Vick stated that Blank used to brag and say, "I probably own about 17 million table saws, so just take one I won't miss it." Clearly Blank has some home improvements waiting for him.

Baltimore, MD -- U.S. Women's Volleyball coach Pam Stotzkey promises to have the team ready for "Beijing Gold" even if it means some "tough love."

Stotzkey said, "I inherited a team that is soft and I let them know right up front this is the Olympics and North Korea isn't sitting home eating HaagenDazs." U.S. Olympic chairman Ned Pinker explained, "We want the gold in 2008 and Pam is a motivator." Pinker added, "At this level some of the players need a little extra push."

Player Sally Whetefield commented, "I understand now, that Pam just wants more from me and that setting your goals high is an important part of being an Olympian."

Stotzkey added, "I think a woman coaching other women has an advantage. I can be a little tougher on the girls and get away with it and later we can come together and be friends."

Stotzkey is looking for more toughness out of the squad. "The players are reacting well to me," she said.

Las Vegas, NV -- Mexico was able to keep their game close against a dominant U.S. team and almost succeeded in pulling off an upset thanks to a Mexican national treasure, the jalapeno pepper. However the U.S. team recovered to cruise to another easy victory in the FIBA International games.

Investigators say that Mexican operatives were able to pose as arena housekeepers and infiltrate the U.S. locker room. Once in the locker room, housekeepers placed large quantities of the jalapenos into the "gatorade" containers used by the players for refreshment. One security officer said, "Imagine that, Mexican housekeepers. Very crafty and their disguises were brilliant."

After a timeout, several players gulped down the jalapeno peppered drink forcing the starting five into a twenty minute "Mexican Hat Dance." Coach Mike Krynewskieffski called a time out and had the players hosed down by the local fire department. Krymeariverski explained, "Though the jalapeno is prized for the warm, spicy sensation that it adds to foods, it can really f^&* up you game plan."

While the U.S. players tried to dowse the fire in their mouths, the Mexican team took a twenty-point lead. 5'1'' center Juan Castille Jorge Gomez LaJiminez led all scorers with 42 points and later said, "In about 24 hours, those Americans are going to remember that they played Mexico, if you know what I mean."

The three Mexican players who posed as housekeepers, almost pulled off the upset of the games.

Philadelphia, PA -- Philadelphia Phillies pitcher Brett Myers addressed the media yesterday explaining his use of the word "retard" in a verbal exchange with Philadelphia Inquirer sportswriter Sam Carchidi. After a loss to the Padres on Saturday, Myers and Carchidi had a shouting match where Myers called Carchidi a "retard."

Myers clarified things yesterday when he said, "I meant retard in a good way." He further explained, "I call everyone retard and I mean it as a compliment." "I call President Bush a retard, as is Vice President Cheney," he added. "In addition," he continued, "our manager Charlie Manual...retard...Bud Selig...retard." Myers said he associates the word retard with important people who run things. "So you can see," said Myers, "that when I call you a retard I mean that you're important and you run things."

Initially after Myers used the word, there was an uproar from the disabled community. After yesterday there was joy and understanding. One retarded person said, "Now I understand, I think I'll run for president." President Bush commented, "I want to thank Brett Myers because Brett Myers is a good American who loves freedom. The Democrats would mess with your freedom and pretty soon no one would be allowed to call anyone retard."

President Bush said yesterday, "See, all of us up here are retards and thank you Brett Myers for pointing that out."

Colorado Springs, CO -- Jockweb undercover reporter Sooki Brownberger has just completed a three-minute investigation of the seedy underbelly of professional figure skating.

"It may look pretty but the reality is, it's a tawdry affair," writes Brownberger in his upcoming expose, "Ravish Me With Your Double Axle." Brownberger paints a picture that shows that male figure skaters are frequently demeaned and used as nothing more than sex toys for their female partners.

"It's like that Demi Moore-Michael Douglas movie except everyone has skates on," says Brownberger. "Oftentimes men are forced to lay on the ice while women jump on top of them and have their way," he continues. "At first, I thought that maybe the men enjoyed this and then I find out that their backs are very cold," he describes the horror.

"It comes with the figure skating territory," said one male skater. "If you want to succeed in this business you have to realize that it's a woman's world and go along," he explained. "I just close my eyes and pretend I'm somewhere else until it's over," he sadly said.

A helpless victim lays on the ice trying to fight off this skating predator who wants her way.

NOTE: Jockweb will not let this horror go on unnoticed. We'll continue to update you as this story unfolds.

Foxboro, MA -- It is not your typical NFL football camp this summer. Aside from your regular passing, blocking, and tackling, you might see some things that do not look at all like football.

That because "elephant testicles" are the latest rage across NFL camps. Coaches and trainers alike have discovered the usefulness of oversized balls as a training device. One trainer asked, "Who would have known that an elephant testicle was so diverse?" He explained, "There are thousands of drills that you can do with a testicle that just make better football players."

One coach said, "Just rolling a testicle back and forth on the ground is a great way to loosen up your lower back." "We do all kinds of fun things with the testicle," he added, "like lifting it over your head and throwing it to a friend or just playing 'Pass the Testicle.' " Elephant testicles have been discarded for years as just "large and pretty much useless." But thanks to one attentive zookeeper, elephant testicles are catching on in a variety of athletic endeavors.

Animal rights activists are not sure where they weigh in on testicle usage. One activist said, "I guess if the elephant doesn't need it anymore, it's okay to use it for aerobic exercise and core strengthening." Zookeeper Ted Estes warned, "Don't try to play with the testicle while it is still on the elephant because it will really piss off the elephant. Wait until a professional removes the testicle before using it for exercise purposes."

Firestone, OH -- The Professional Golfers Association (PGA) announced today that they will begin to assess a two-shot penalty for "public pissing."

PGA spokesperson Uri Knation said, "There an epidemic of this shit and it's hurting our ratings." A survey of 300 professional golfers revealed that 99% of players piss "whenever they want, wherever they want." In order to deter golfers and "clean up our game," Knation said players, "whipping it out will incur a two-stroke penalty."

The PGA has tried to curb the habit by placing "Port-O-Potties" on every tee but players say that the stench of "Port-O-Potties" prevents them from a "comfortable piss." One player said, "I gag when I go in one of those things and end up wetting my pants." He added, "There's nothing that feels better than letting your member hang out and commune with Mother Nature."

Golf fans seem to be okay with golfers relieving themselves in public. One fan said, "I love seeing famous people pissing in public. In fact I had my picture taking with Tiger Woods as we both pissed on a small evergreen."

Players threatened they would boycott the rule or resort to wearing adult diapers. Phil Mickelson said, "I'll win a U.S. Open before you catch me pissing in a Port-O-Potty."

Milwaukee, WI -- Former NBA star guard Latrell Sprewell had his boat, "Milwaukee's Best," repossessed after he missed a few payments on the $1.5 million dollar boat.

Sprewell reacted poorly to the news by choking the Milwaukee sheriff who served him the repossession papers. After choking the sheriff, Sprewell proceeded to enter the First National Bank of Milwaukee where he choked the loan officer, the bank president, and several customers making Christmas club deposits. "I guess you might say choking is a way I deal with frustration," quipped Sprewell, the former Timberwolves guard.

In 2004, Sprewell rejected a $21 million dollar offer by the T-Wolves because it wasn't enough to feed his family. Shortly after rejecting the contract, Sprewell choked his wife and kids.

One reporter asked Sprewell if he had named his boat "Milwaukee's Best" after "that really shitty tasting beer that you can get really drunk on for less the ten bucks a case?" Sprewell responded by choking the reporter and saying, "Yes, I agree, Milwaukee's Best is a very cheap high."

(This is one of an occasional preview articles leading up to the 2008 games in Beijing)

Beijing, China -- China is said to be facing monumental problems as they prepare to host the 2008 Olympic Games.

"We can't see a f%^&ing thing," said one Chinese official referring to the thick air pollution which engulfs Beijing. China faces monumental environmental problems caused by their rapid industrial rise. "Christ, I'm choking crossing the street," said street vendor Wee Wee Ping, "imagine trying to run a mile in this shit."

Government officials, who want to put on a great show on an international stage, have been brainstorming how to deal with the air pollution problems. "We're going to give everyone those funky 3-D glasses," said Vice-Premier Liu Liu Mi. "I saw a "Muppets" movie with those glasses on and it was really cool," added Mi.

China has mobilized it's work force to produce 17 billion pairs of 3-D glasses which is good news for movie-goers throughout the world. "After the Olympics are over, just think, we'll be able to watch that old 50's drive-in film '13 Ghosts'," smiled Mi.

Thanks to technology, you'll be able to see the Olympic games through dense pollution using those tried and true 3D glasses.

Alpine, TX -- Mike Flynt, a 59-year-old college student returned to Sul Ross State University this month to complete his fourth year of football eligibility.

Flynt came back to the Division III school 37 years after he left and six years before he starts collecting Social Security to finish what he started. Flynt appealed to the coach to take him back and the coach said yes to the lifelong fitness guru. Flynt will become the oldest player in college football history. Already, observers are saying Flynt could be the feel good story of the year.

Already, senior citizens are coming out of the woodwork trying to imitate Flynt. TV personality Larry King insists that "I've still got some gas in my tank," as he announced he would return punts for his alma mater, the Columbia School of Broadcasting. "You should see the chicks I'm getting now wearing my varsity football jacket," said King. "I might even get a few wives out of this," he added.

King has already gotten in trouble with school officials for code of conduct behavior. "I'm drinking, smoking weed, and listening to Hendrix albums at full blast. I'm just loving dorm living," screamed King.

CSB coach Bill Parcells said, "If we can keep Larry eligible, he's going to make a big contribution on the field with his chutzpah." King added, "I can't thank Larry Flynt enough for that Hustler magazine."

Mike Flynt loves being back on the Sul Ross State team. Here he is attentively watching some film.

Jockweb Veteran Reporter Fred Collingdale recently had the opportunity to sit down with Mike Vick and pose the tough questions that America needs answered. Here is an excerpt from that interview:

Jockweb, HQ -- Jockweb CEO and film legend Shecky Sheckstein announced today that he would write and direct the new film "Beethoven 7." Sheckstein said that he always felt that the Beethoven franchise is one of of the most important cinematic achievements known to modern man and "I want to be a part of that special magic."

The script will be written by veteran screenwriter Joe Eszterhas, whose previous efforts have included "Showgirls." Sheckstein commented, "No profession embraces the brash and talentless more warmly than the movie industry, and no one is better evidence of this than Joe Eszterhas." He added, "Showgirls is a classic boner movie and if we can bring that same energy to a film about an unruly St. Bernard, I'm gonna make money."

Sheckstein promised that Beethoven 7 will bring the same chills and thrills that have made the first six films the cult favorites that they are. The film will feature Mike Vick as the lovable but klutzy Dad, who can't decide if he likes the dog or wants to kill it. Sheckstein said, "Unlike the earlier movies, Beethoven will die, most likely by electrocution." "It's a whole new take on the genre," said the veteran director. Critics are already lining up saying that Mike Vick will make American audiences forget Charles Grodin.

Please Mike Vick, don't go to jail. Without you, material will be tougher to come by.

South Bend, IN -- Notre Dame football coach Charlie Weis has suspended junior defensive end Derrell Hand for soliciting a prostitute. Hand was picked up by a policewoman posing as a prostitute and later released on bail.

Weis had sent Hand to the store on an errand when the incident occurred. "I sent him to a "7-11" to get me Twinkies and some TicTacs and he decides to get himself a woman with the money I gave him?" Weis asked. "And he never came back with the Twinkies," Weis steamed.

Hand in his defense said, "The coach gives me a hundred dollars for some cupcakes and a woman asks me if I wanted sex. What the hell would you do?" Weis said, "We do have some nice looking police in South Bend and many times I've thought about propositioning them for sex but then I realize I need the $100 for Twinkies."

Weis added that Hand will be suspended until he returns with the Twinkies or "until he brings me a nice woman who ain't a cop."

East Rutherford, NJ -- A crowd of over 66,000 fans turned out to see David Beckham and the LA Galaxy lose to the New York Red Bull High Energy Loaded With Caffeine and Sugar Soccer team.

It was the biggest crowd to watch a soccer game in New York since Pele played in 1982. Beckham played his first full game after recovering from some earlier injuries from his European play earlier this summer. He did not score but he had two assists and grabbed his wife's ass which really attracted the crowd's attention. It was the single biggest crowd to ever watch a grab ass since grab ass statistics started to be kept during the Steve and Cindy Garvey days in 1970's Los Angeles.

Fan Georges DuBoef said, "I was very satisfied with Beckham's move. It was a classic casual grab ass with a full open hand, very sound fundamental move." Most fans said that they would not plop down $50 to watch another soccer game but most agreed that they would pay to see Beckham grab Posh Spice's butt any time in the near future. DuBoef added, "I'd like to see him grab all of the Spice Girls' asses."

Beckham said he was very satisfied with his play. "It looks like I'm back in the game," said Beckham. "At least the hand and wrist are playing their "a" game," he winked.

Philadelphia, PA -- The Temple University Owls football team did not receive one vote for a spot in the pre-season top 25.

Coach Al Golden asked, "What the hell is going on here?" He exclaimed, "We're Temple for chrissakes!" Golden expressed frustration with Temple's 58th straight year of non-inclusion in a football poll. "It's all who you know," said Golden. "College football is all about the politics," he added, "and I'm getting pretty gosh darn sick of it."

Once again USC topped the list of football powers and was picked as the favorite for eventual National Champion. Golden asked, "Just what have they done to deserve the top spot?" Golden made a case for Temple by saying, "Okay, last year we were 1-11 but we took the Katherine Gibbs School of Secretarial Sciences down to the final minute before losing on a 54 yard field goal."

Pete Carroll, head coach of USC, said, "I appreciate Al's frustration. I dated Katherine Gibbs and believe me, she can be tough." Carroll did admit, "It's true, it is political, and when you're number one, it's a whole lot easier picking up babes."

Norfolk, VA -- Former Virginia Tech football player Marcus Vick thumbed his nose at his former critics saying, "See, all along you've been bustin' on the wrong brother."

Vick, no stranger to run-ins with the law, explained that he has turned his life around and he is now a responsible businessman. "I want the Atlanta Falcons to know, that I'm available and that one Vick is as good as another. But I do have my business to run."

The younger Vick has been establishing quite a name for himself in the Virginia area with his pet grooming shop, "Hip-Hop Hounds." Patrons say that Vick can take an ordinary dog and turn him into a "gangsta" pet. Marcus smiled and said, "You can't believe what you can do with a little bling-bling and a beagle."

Dogs from all over the state are sniffing out the new Vick locale. Vick said, "A lot of dogs were reluctant to stop by thinking they was probably going to be drowned or electrocuted. But the only electricity I'm using is with a blow dryer and some clippers."

Phoenix, AZ -- The Arizona Cardinals finally settled their dispute with quarterback Matt Leinart and his agent and have agreed to pay for a harem of women that Leinart claims he needs to be a quarterback in the NFL.

"I need my sluts," said Leinart. "It's that simple. I'm under a lot of pressure as a performer and I need some sluts to blow off steam." The Cardinals say that Leinart's case in not without precedent. "Lots of athletes need sluts," said one anonymous NFL spokesperson. "In particular, quarterbacks from Southern California, are used to being surrounded by lots of sluts," he explained.

The Leinart sluts' representative said, "We tired of being Leinart sluts for nothing. Being a slut is damn hard work. He's making big money and we want to get paid."

A Cardinal spokesperson said, "It all comes down to how Matt performs with or without sluts. And we feel, he's just a lot more comfortable in a spread offense when he has a lot of sluts." New Cardinal coach Ken Wisenhunt said, "The difference between Matt with and without sluts is night and day. I just think paying for Matt's sluts is the cost of doing business in the NFL."