JockWeb Sports Source

Foxboro, MA -- Patriots' head coach Bill Belechick announced today that he was very interested in signing running back Ricky Williams due to "personal reasons."

Williams, currently suspended for violating the NFL substance abuse policy, could fit nicely into the Belechick family. Belechick's son, Stephen, was arrested and charged with possession of marijuana. Coach Belechick feels that his son could benefit from contact with Williams. "I think what Stephen needs is a big brother. Who could be a better role model than Ricky Williams?"

The younger Belechick said, "This is why my Dad is such a great coach. He sees I'm committed to smoking weed and he wants me to be around people that are going to make me better. Smoking weed with Ricky Williams is like being a quarterback tutored by Peyton Manning."

Williams said that he would really like to be a Patriot and live with the Belechicks. "I would love to have Stephen as a little brother and show him all the complexities of being a professional week smoker.

Winslow, AL -- The first annual ESPN Strongwoman Competition took place this weekend with Selma Durkes taking first place honors.

The competition featured four events. Durkes took first place in all four events essentially blowing away the field. The contest is modeled after the now famous Strongman event but instead the women participate in similar but alternate events. The events include: Beer Pulling, Lifting the Sorry Ass Your Married to Off the Couch, Meatloaf Throwing, and Pushing That Fat Ass You Married to the Other Side of the Bed.

Durkes was gain a significant edge when she took the Fat Ass she was married to and threw him off a cliff. "The judges were impressed with that," said the satisfied Durkes, "and now I can take the prize money and go off and marry my girlfriend."

ESPN said ratings for the show were strong and their core demographic which is "really dumb" Americans included somewhere in the neighborhood of 260 million.

Dallas, TX -- The McDonald's Corporation announced that it had settled the lawsuit filed by Cowboy's receivers coach Todd Haley.

Haley and his family were traumatized when they purchased a salad and found a small rodent dead among the lettuce leaves. "At first I thought it was an anchovy but then I realized that anchovies don't have long tails," explained Haley. Haley said that if it was a Terrell Owens finger or toe in the salad, he would have never complained.

A McDonald's spokesperson said that the two sides have reached an amicable agreement. "We're going to add a warning on our food wrappers saying 'Caution: Food may contain dead rat.' " McDonald's attorneys explained that this incident is similar to the earlier case when a woman sued the company because she spilled hot McDonald's coffee on her lap while driving. "We just put a warning on the cup saying that our coffee is f#$%ing hot and don't drive you stupid shit," said lead attorney Bucky Dilworth. "It's the same idea here, eat at McDonald's, look for the rat before you chew."

Haley said he was very satisfied with the McDonald's action. "It's not the $1.7 million worth of satisfaction that I was originally going after but they did promise me in the future they would try to put one of T.O.'s fingers in my salad."

State College, PA -- Two Penn State University football players have been suspended indefinitely for conduct unbecoming of Nittany Lions.

The players have only been identified as No.29 and No.30 pulled down the pants of Coach Joe Paterno during the fourth quarter of the yesterday's game against Purdue. Coach Paterno walked up and down the sidelines for several minutes arguing with referees about an offsides call with his pants down around his ankles.

The incident didn't seem to bother him initially but later at his post-game conference he said although he didn't remember the incident, "I'm still the coach and I should have my pants up at all times." He asked, "What ever happened to the good old days when they would just dump gatorade on you?"

Several stadium security personnel thought Paterno was just an "old guy exposing himself" and moved to arrest him. Later Paterno admitted, "It is kind of exciting to walk up and down the sidelines with your pants down, it does get the refs attention."

New York, NY -- ESPN football analyst Michael Irvin said that he wants to stop his feud with New York Giants running back Tiki Barber.

"It's gone too far," said Irvin, "and we're beginning to hurt each other's feelings." Irvin criticized Barber's decision to announce his retirement while in the middle of the season and Barber shot back comments questioning Irvin's credentials as an analyst.

Irvin wants the two to get together and smoke a peace pipe. "Nothing like a little crack to smooth things over," said Irvin. "I guarantee if Tiki and I do some rock, this whole thing goes away," added the often combatant former Cowboy receiver.

Irvin explained that when he first got the job on ESPN, all of the other analyst thought he was loud and stupid. "But," Irvin said, "a little crack changed that perception." Fellow analyst Chris Berman said as he exhaled some crack smoke, "Michael is one of the most sensitive, thoughtful crack smoking, whore f^&*in broadcasters in the business."

Even crack smoking policeman said that Irvin is the nicest, most knowledgeable crack head they ever photographed. One policeman said, "He's a character guy."

Indianapolis, IN -- The NCAA announced yesterday that it plans to expand the organization beyond the bounds of the United States.

"We think Canadians and Mexicans are just itching to get in the BCS," said NCAA President Myles Brand. "And we want all the world to be able to play football with us," he added.

Canadians and Mexicans spent yesterday not caring and there were no celebrations in honor of the announcement. However, the citizens of Indonesia were ecstatic. "We're finally going to have something to do on Saturdays," said Jakarta University junior Ali Kresno Sukarno.

Temple coach Al Golden said that his school is solidly behind the idea. "I'd like nothing more than to have Yemen, Armenia, and Ubeckistan on our schedule. I figure next year we oughta climb over .500."

Brand said he only concern was the currency issue. "It just dawned on me that a lot of these countries probably don't use American money. Now how are we going to charge to get into games?

Phoenix, AZ -- The Arizona Cardinals have struggled this year both on the field and in the stands. Attendance is down due to disappointment in a team that many thought had playoff potential.

In reaction to this trend, Cardinal management announced that this Sunday would be Amnesty Sunday. "Any illegal immigrant that comes to the game on Sunday gets a seat, a hot dog and a large drink, and amnesty with a temporary work visa, and all for $100." explained ticket manager Gary Green.

"We think with the big border fence going up, the timing is just great," said Green. President Bush said, "I like their thinking. What better way to coral some illegals and detain'em than trapping'em in a football stadium?" "And," the President added, "after watching the Cardinals for a couple of quarters, these folks are gonna be fighting to get back to Mexico."

Illegal immigrants started tailgating at University of Phoenix stadium on Thursday.

St. Louis, MO -- Major League Baseball had just exhaled a sigh of relief after inking a new collective bargaining agreement when it was hit with a crisis that might just stop the sport dead.

The Baseball Writers' Association of America threatened to stop writing about baseball unless their request be honored that the MLB withhold awarding the 2009 All-Star Game to St. Louis until the press box is remodeled.

Baseball writers say that they want bedding installed in all press boxes in stadium throughout the country. Some cities have complied but St. Louis' press box has only desks and computers.

"We need beds," said writer Stayson Hark. "It's a OSHA issue," explained Hark. "It's unreasonable to ask someone to watch nine innings of baseball and then have to write about it without at least taking a three inning nap." Commissioner Bud Selig responded that though writing about baseball is indeed similar to watching a caterpillar molt, "we can't have a bunch of baseball writers sleeping together. That wouldn't be good for our young fans to see."

"It's a significant and sensitive issue," said Selig, "and I'm sensitive to it and I know the issues are real and valid." But Selig said that putting beds in the press box opens "another can of worms."

This baseball writer had to find a spot to sleep outside the St. Louis stadium during a World Series game. "We need a better place to sleep while watching games," he said when he woke up with a sore back.

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Tuscaloosa, AL -- A trumpet player for the University of Alabama marching band was arrested last evening after he beat his mother with his instrument.

The mom, Esther Bunnee, a self-admitted "helicopter" parent, was admitted to a local hospital with bruises and strangulation marks around her neck. Her son Todd told police that "I wanted to suffocate her like she's suffocating me."

Fellow band members said that Esther could not seem to part with Todd when he left for school. Esther took a room in the same dormitory, ate meals with the students, and "danced like a spasmodic white person" during football games.

Esther told police, "I don't know what went wrong, Todd and I used to be so close." Friends of Todd said the freshman horn player was feeling increasingly frustrated because "he couldn't pick up chicks with his mother around." One co-ed commented, "I just thought he was really involved in that Oedipal complex."

Esther said that she never had any intention of cramping Todd's style. "I never stopped him from bringing a girl to bed with us," she said between respirator breaths.

St. Louis, MO -- October's cold temperatures are having a profound effect on the World Series. Since the series has been pushed back later into October to accommodate television ratings, players increasingly have to deal with the havoc cold weather plays on the game.

Climatologist Ben Bulben says, "There is a definite relationship between the temperature and the weather. If the temperature is really low, then the weather is really cold." Bulben explained that he's dedicated his life to weather and that he has also found that when "the temperature increases, the weather feels warmer." "So," he continued, "you can see that if it's cold out, you feel really cold and if it's warm out, you feel really warm."

Baseball players agree. "When the temperature is low, I feel really cold," said catcher Ivan Rodriquez. Several players said that the main effect of the cold weather is ball shrinkage. One unnamed player said, "Your balls shrink. Really, when you go to scratch them, you can't find them. They must like climb back in their cave or something. But you get really scared because you say to yourself, oh no, my balls are gone."

Cards manager Tony LaRussa said, "When a player can't pick at his balls because of shrinkage, that changes the whole complexion of the game. Players are used to reaching down and fixing themselves. Imagine how they feel when the reach and there's nothing there. Believe me, they're scared to death and as a manager I just have to relax them and tell them that it just the temperature."

This graph plots temperature on the x-axis vs. ball freezing (BF) on the y-axis. Notice between 35-54 that your balls are pretty friggin cold.

Philadelphia, PA -- A father pulled a gun on a pee-wee football coach after he was supposedly disgruntled about his 6 year-old's playing time.

Wayne Derkotch was charged with brandishing a.357 magnum in a fight with the coach over his son's playing time. Derkotch later denied he was upset about the playing time issue but he was very concerned with the coach's clock management skills. "We had the ball on the five yard line right before the first half. Instead of throwing the ball out of bounds to stop the clock, we call a running play in the middle of the field and the clock runs out. You just can't miss scoring opportunities like that in pee-wee football."

The coach later said, "I deserve to have a .357 magnum pulled on me. Wayne is right. My clock management skills are bad and to tell you the truth, I'm looking like Andy Reid." Derkotch agreed and said, "I would have tried to shoot Andy Reid but he was in Tampa Bay."

Derkotch said he learned a valuable lesson from the whole incident. "When you have a gun you really should get a shot off cause you get pretty badly dicked for just brandishing it."

Kansas City, MO -- Kansas City Chiefs coach Herm Edwards might be re-thinking his move from New York to KC. Edwards in his first year as head coach of the Chiefs was feeling particularly frustrated this week after it was revealed that several of his players attended a "Passion Party" the Saturday night before their game against the Steelers.

Edwards explained that a "Passion Party" is like a tupperware party with sex toys. Chiefs players attended a party at their hotel and according to party host Fifi Denuve, "They just cleaned me clear out of sex toys." She added, "I haven't sold this many sex toys since I did a demonstration at the Neverland Ranch."

Edwards, like any parent, experienced frustration when his young players failed to clean up after themselves. "They just never put their toys away," screamed Edwards. "I bought a toy box for the locker room and all they have to do is walk over and put the toys back in the box when they're finished playing with them." Edwards turned ankle when he accidentally stepped on a dildo. "You try to get these young players to be responsible," said Edwards, "but I guess it's part of growing up, learning to pick up after yourself."

Edwards taped up the sprained ankle and put the dildo back in the toy box. "I just hope that by the end of the season, they get tired of the toys and get back to concentrating on football."

Passion Party reps have a habit of not putting away their toys. "No problem in my locker room," said Seattle coach Mike Holmgren.

Detroit, MI -- Kenny Rogers pitched eight shutout innings in the Tigers' 3-1 victory against the St. Louis Cardinals in Game 2 of the World Series but not without the distraction of controversy.

Cardinal manager Tony LaRussa and several St. Louis players have accused Rogers of throwing the dreaded 'snot ball.' "There was a foreign substance on the ball and it wasn't dirt or pine tar or even spit," said LaRussa. "It was definitely snot," he fired.

The umpire refused to check the ball. "If there's snot on the ball, we're not checking it," said umpire Fred 'Nos' Strill. "If he using snot we're not getting involved. The Cardinals are going to have to take the ball, collect the snot and show us," added Strill.

The 'snot' ball goes all the way back to the 1920's where it was perfected by Hank Kerrshief. "Snot on the ball makes the ball move all over the place," said Tim McCarver. "If you've got someone's snot on you, you'd jump all over the place too. Well that's how a ball feels."

Rogers denied using snot on the ball but didn't rule out other body excretions. "I go to lots of parts of my body and touch, scratch, and pull. If I get something on the ball, well so be it, that's part of having orifices."

Kailua-Kona, Hawaii -- You might think it takes a lot to bring down a big strong iron man. Not so, at the Ironman Triathlon this past weekend.

Iron man competitor, 285 lb. Randy Swell took a commanding early lead over the field by going out in the swim portion in Kailua Bay setting a record pace. He was back on land and mounted his bicycle for the second stage of the race when he felt a searing pain in his groinal area.

"It was like a sledgehammer hit me in the t's," said Swell afterwards as he iced down. It seems like a tiny crab, native to the bay, attached itself to Swell's left testicle. "In all the excitement of the swim, I guess I didn't feel it or at least the crab was comfortable," he explained. "I guess when we got on land and I'm on the bike, the crab decided that he didn't want to go on a 100 mile bike ride," continued Swell.

Fortunately for Swell, the crab took only a small piece of scrotum, leaving the testes intact. "I would have liked to finish the race," said Swell, "but hey I'm still in one piece.",

Later Swell returned the favor by putting some bay seasoning on the crab and ending his life.

Palm Desert, CA -- The Palm Desert High School water polo team has long had a reputation for walking the line when it comes to hazing but some educational administrators are asking how much hazing is too much?

It looks like school principal Daniel Stern will have to take action on Monday after the team capped off a week long series of incidents with a drowning. The team has long instituted a 'rite of passage' in order to make the team. Players have been duct taped completely from head to toe and then are thrown in the pool. If the player escapes then he/she makes the team.

"It builds team," said coach Dev Deville. "If a player can be completely immobilized by duct tape and then undo that and get out of the pool without drowning, then you've got a hellava player on your hands," continued the coach. "Hazing? Where's the hazing?" Deville asked. "I call it just a bunch of kids having a little fun, lighten up."

Several parents who have lost children to the ritual say enough is enough. "In principle it probably does build team cohesion and certainly hazing has it's place, but I lost kid in the process," said Milt Kirsh. "Granted my kid was a pain in the ass and cost me a ton of money and I don't miss him BUT I think the hazing might be going overboard," added Kirsh.

Captain Biff Romney said, "See? everyone enjoys being duct taped and thrown into the pool.

Ann Arbor, MI -- In what can only be described as the "feel good" story of the year, a young Michigan student was reunited with a father he never knew.

The father, Casey Caseum, the mas"cot for the Iowa Hawkeyes, left his wife and small child eighteen years ago to become the Hawkeye. "It was like running away to join the circus," said the tearful but happy Caseum. "I always dreamed of getting dressed up like a bird and cheering my guts out and when the opportunity came to go on the road as the mascot I took it," he explained. "But I left a young wife and a child behind."

The younger Caseum recognized his father immediately. "My mother always said my father was a retarded asshole so I just put the pieces together," Casey Jr. said. "It was like an instinct, I just knew it was Dad."

The two got caught up a little at halftime over a hot dog and a coke but then the elder Caseum had to return to the field and flap his wings like a bird. "We're going to spend some time just doing what fathers and sons do," said Dad, "except I'll be doing it in a costume."

Hanover, NH -- The Dartmouth College football team is steaming mad. After their midfield post-game brawl with Holy Cross last Saturday, the team wants recognition.

"We're not Miami, we're worse than Miami," said linebacker Thurston Hollowell IV. "We're bad asses, really smart bad asses, over 1500 SAT bad asses, and don't forget that," screamed Hollowell. Receiver T. Carter Evesham III said, "We'll kick anyone's ass that comes in our house and then we'll get better than market return on our stock portfolios."

A spokesperson for the Dartmouth president said, "I know we have may have a pristine image, but we want our program to be as corrupt and crime ridden as any other. Admittedly, it's white collar crime ridden, but people should fear us."

A Dartmouth player manipulating an adjustable rate mortgage. "You want a piece of this Miami?"

State College, PA -- PSU linebacker Dan Connor was describing the emotions of the 2006 Nittany Lion team by saying they were "champing at the bit" to get back to a major bowl game.

Connor's innocent quote has set off what can only be described as an academic frenzy amongst the linguistic community. Dr. Perry Perriman of the Northeastern Southwestern Anthropological Society reacted strongly to the comment. "Going back several centuries it is clear that one chomps on a bit not champs at a bit," explained Perriman. "And I for one wish to see Mr. Connor retract his statement and re-issue the proper chomp for champ," said the angry professor.

Dr. Horace Schmegna, author of the book, "Fuque or Fuke, It Doesn't Matter," defended Connor. "You can champ, chomp or sometimes chump at a bit or on just a piece of beef jerky so Mr. Connor is on solid linguistic ground."

Heaven, Wehope -- Former Pro Bowl defensive end Reggie White has made a call from the other side of beyond the valley of tears and has a message for Brett Favre, "Retire!"

Reggie was accessed the normal way dead people are accessed, through really goofy people who actually think they can contact the dead. However, the medium we spoke to about Reggie seemed pretty normal, at least he was dressed okay. Well, the really dark clothing and the white makeup and black mascara, was a little frightening but he did claim to speak to Reggie.

Reggie White spoke the words, "It's time for Brett to retire." Reggie added with emphasis, "Retire much like a Jewish woman after she gets married or retire like a Mexican farm worker after working a 20 hour-day." White said he was in the process of putting the finishing touches on acquiring Cory Lidle but said with authority, "Quit trying to send me T.O. I have enough headaches up here."

Raleigh-Durham, NC -- Local 287 of the Union of Erotic Entertainers announced today that they will donate over 100 free hours of stripping and couch dancing to the Duke University football program.

"Local strippers have traditionally had a great relationship with Duke athletics," said shop steward Eartha Quake. "It's a shame that there's been a blemish on that relationship but we want to set the ship right," she added. "Strippers are an integral part of the college athletic experience," she proudly stated.

"We're like zero and a hundred over the past few years," said a Duke football player. "A couple of strippers could turn this whole program around. We've pretty much been isolated from strippers these past few months."

Stripper Lynn Oleum commented, "I want to be part of helping rebuilding Duke football." One sport psychologist explained that "you can't underestimate the importance of strippers to an athletic program. They are as important to athletes as taped ankles."

This aging stripper said, "I've never seen a Duke football game but I want to help."

Coral Gables, FL -- University of Miami President Donna Shalala had enough of reporters second guessing the severity of sanctions laid down against the school's football program. Shalala was answering questions as to why players got off with light punishment after a brawl with Florida International University.

"She went from 0 to 60 in 2 seconds," said reporter Bared Fromhere. Shalala left the podium and entered the crowd of reporters and began kicking and punching. Her tirade lasted for approximately ten minutes and at least ten reporters were treated for injuries.

Shalala later said, "If you're coming into my house and you're threatening us in our house, you're gonna have to come through me." The usually docile Shalala, who at one time served as Secretary of Health, Education, and Welfare, took one of her spiked heeled shoes and drove it into the forehead of a reporter while he was on the ground.

Shalala left the news conference and later headed an academic symposium on "The Passivity of Muslim Women At School Dances."

Shalala also warned Coach Larry Coker that "he'd better get that gangsta swagger back in the Canes football program."

Strongville, OH -- Mike Tyson is madder than usual. Tyson exclaimed through clenched but gapped teeth, "I want a piece of her."

Tyson was referring to conservative columnist Ann Coulter. Tyson will be stepping back in the ring as he launches the "Mike Tyson World Tour" in Youngstown, Ohio. "But what I really want is a shot at Coulter. I find Ann's commentary on the national scene as shrill, bombastic, and mean spirited," said the shuffling Tyson. "Her views on abortion and education are out of step with mainstream America."

Coulter, long the darling of the right wing, responded that Tyson political analysis, "lacks the depth and clarity necessary for consistent, interesting debate, and like most left wing commentators, he's a welterweight fighting out of his class."

Tyson infuriated with Coulter's arrogance promised, "I'll be biting, you can be sure, and most likely I'll be biting her skinny, anorexic white ass."

Tyson will have his work cut out for him trying to bite something out of Coulter's anorexic, white ass.

Dallas, TX -- Terrell Owens said he was done talking with receivers coach Todd Haley after last week's verbal confrontation. However the cold locker room war may now be over after the two were forced to speak over a routine locker room procedure.

Apparently Owens was sitting in a toilet stall in the Cowboys facility when he realized that the stall was out of toilet paper. Haley was at a mirror combing his hair when he heard Owens asked, "Hey Todd, can you toss me a roll of TP?"

Haley remarked, "I just figured let's let bygones be bygones. You can't leave a guy stranded on the toilet with no roll. So it was T.P. for T.O." And Haley added, "T.O. made a nice grab when I tossed him the roll."

Owens later commented that "I'm a team player and I'm only interested in what's good for the team."

Haley later verbally abused Owens on the practice field for leaving the roll "fragmented."

Philadelphia, PA -- Philadelphia Eagles coach admitted in his weekly press conference that "I was just wild out of my mind," in New Orleans this past weekend.

The Eagles lost on a field goal by John Carney as time expired but the questions about Reid's clock management surfaced after the game. Later it was revealed that Reid was a "bit foggy from a little partying on Saturday night." Reid told reporters that initially he stopped in a club for a bite to eat and mabye a beer. "The next thing you know they got this bead thing going and I'm pounding down fifteen beers," Reid explained.

At the insistence of several women in the crowd, Reid was persuaded to take his shirt off. Witnesses said "there hadn't been an exit from the city like that since last year's hurricane." Reid covered up by saying it was early in the season and he was comfortable going in this weekend at 4-2. "We still atop in our division and I got a ton of beads so I consider it a productive weekend."

Coral Gables, FL -- An investigation into this past weekend's bench clearing brawl between the University of Miami and Florida International University revealed that doughnuts might have contributed to the violence.

Players from both teams admitted that they had ingested large quantities of Krispy Kreme doughnuts in their locker rooms. Scientists say that research confirms that artificial trans fats contained in the doughnuts can cause trigger like violent responses.

Miami coach Larry Coker said that he likes to have doughnuts in the locker room during halftime. "We use doughnuts as an incentive for big plays," said Coker. "Score a touchdown, get a sack, get a doughnut," explained Coker. "But who knew doughnuts were going to lead to the worst college brawl that we've ever seen?"

Krispy Kreme officials admitted that as far back as 2002 research indicated that doughnuts cause violence. "We do know that policemen who eats lots of our doughnuts beat the piss out of lots of people but we thought that was just because being a cop might be boring," said a KK spokesperson. "We stand behind our doughnut but we will now put a warning label on every box."

"Trans fat doughnut induced brawls are an increasing national problem that must be addressed," said former Congressman Mark Foley..

Dallas, TX -- Dallas Cowboys head coach entered a Dallas hospital today for emergency breast augmentation which doctors said was successful.

Parcells had been bothered by ever increasing "man breasts" and there was an ever increasing fan base who wanted Parcells to step down as coach and become a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader. Parcells said that he was in no way prepared for a career move at this stage of his life so he decided on the breast reduction.

Doctors operated for over eight hours to remove over 62 pounds of tissue. "It was a big tit job," said surgeon Dr. Hugo Boulder. "I think I'll need back surgery after lifting all this Parcell boobie stuff."

Parcells was said to be recovering nicely but will miss two games recovering. Always the fighter, Parcells vowed to be back on the sidelines this Sunday even if his breasts are "quite tender."

Parcells had both breast reduced since surgeons were holding a two for one sale.

Leeds, UK -- A soccer player for the Leeds club surprised 60,000 screaming fans and his teammates by taking off his uniform at the 72:38 mark and revealing, "I am now a woman."

Paul Menow said that for years he had felt like a woman trapped in a man's body and for the last two years he had been undergoing sex change therapy. "Today, I finally felt truly myself," said the jubilant Menow.

The fans seemed to agreed that the operation was a success. Menow was surrounded after the game by requests for her phone number and email address. Teammate Georgie Fame said, "I've showered with Paul for several years and I never noticed what a nice, tight ass he had."

Madison, WI -- The University of Wisconsin marching band was severely reprimanded and penalized by the NCAA for being a "band out of control."

Reports of alcohol, drug, and sexual abuse surfaced last week after a piccolo player came forward and told authorities that she had been forced to do "lewd things with my instrument." The Badger marching band has long had the reputation as an "orgy in 3/4 time."

NCAA President Myles Brand said that the University would be on probation and would lose seven tuba scholarships. Band director Fred Fury reacted to the harsh sanctions by saying, "I understand that the NCAA must take action but come on, we're losing our bass sound. Now I'm not saying sex, drugs, and music go together but it's really helped us put a hellava band together."

Trumpet player Toby Tunes said, "I can't play a lick of music but I joined the band to participate in free booze and sex. This is not the marching band your parents told you about."

Washington, DC -- A woman who claims to have slept with the entire George Washington basketball team and a self-proclaimed hoops fanatic is pregnant and doesn't care who the father is.

"I just know that my son or daughter should have some hops," said Mary Blanks. "I'm nuts about basketball and I wanted to make sure that I'd pass on good basketball genes and my husband is a spaz." Both Blanks and her husband agreed that she should sleep with the team since they've had GW season ticket holders for the past ten years. "People asked why not sleep with a pro team or at the very least Duke players but I'm sorry I just am a die hard GW fan," beamed worth.

Several GW players expressed relief over the Blanks good nature. "Talk about an offer you can't refuse," said point guard Tariq Assad. "The team is going to collect a few bucks and get the kid a gift," added Assad. "It's the least we can do."

Los Angeles, CA -- Former New York Yankee pitcher Cory Lidle signed as a free agent with the Los Angeles Angels.

Lidle career was thought to be over after a plane crash took his life but after some careful negotiating by his agent, Lidle was able to catch on with the other LA franchise.

"It's a good fit for me," said Lidle through a psychic medium. "And I loved that movie where the angels float in and out of the game." Actor Christopher Lloyd commented, "It was a fictional movie and angels are just figments of our wishful imagination. I think Corey will be sorely disappointed."

Yankee owner George Steinbrenner said he was happy with the news. "This means I can get out of paying the family and not look like the asshole I am."

Eugene, OR -- Police believe that anti-track and field terrorists released a non-deadly nerve toxin at a track meet yesterday.

"There are hostile anti-track and field groups throughout the world and they're well organized," said Stanley Beamon, a track and field terrorist consultant. "These people are fanatically anti-track and will stop at nothing to disrupt a track meet."

Beamon said that the normal terrorist profile is usually someone who is fat, lazy, and hates to run. "There are cells of these terrorists throughout the United States and they are well financed," explained Beamon. "And they're hard to detect because they blend so seamlessly into the rest of the population."

Experts agree that fat, lazy, non-runners have declared war on track and field. One terrorist who spoke to Jockweb under anonymity said, "It is believed if you kill track and field athletes, when you go to heaven you get a jumbo, jumbo sized fries with a 72 bags of cheese curls and a 300 oz. coke."

Knoxville, TN -- The first ever transvestite fraternity is finally in full swing at the University of Tennessee.

"We're just a bunch of guys who like to have fun like any other group of guys," said fraternity president Rory LaRoux. "It feels really good to dress up as women and go to class or work out at the gym," explained LaRoux, "and of course it gets a little crazy around the frat house with everyone stealing each other's dresses."

Dr. Jasper Deeterman, a psychologist for the University counseling center and fraternity advisor, said, "It's very difficult to inwardly desire to wear a bra and not be able to publicly express that desire because of social taboos." Deeterman added that at first the group was not readily accepted by the campus community but things improved greatly when several members borrowed some outfits from women's basketball coach, Pat Summit.

Frat members were able to raid Pat Summit's closet in exchange for three packs of Hanes boxer briefs.

St. Louis, MO -- An American bald eagle, who was cut by the Philadelphia Eagles, auditioned for the St. Louis Cardinals.

Zeke the eagle, was one of several bald eagles who tried to catch on as the Philadelphia mascot. According to a Philadelphia Eagles spokesperson, "There's just an overpopulation of Eagles and not enough teams." Eagles, a protected species, have flourished under environmental breeding programs. However, there are just not enough jobs for all of the eagles that are reaching maturity.

"It's a huge problem," said Howe Toocrew, a conservationist. "We got a lot of Eagles coming of age and nothing for them to do."

Zeke the eagle hoped that St. Louis fans would accept him as a cardinal. "I figure, paint me red, who cares?" But St. Louis Cardinals public relations director Wendy Sitty, "Although we admire Zeke's persistence, it's just too damn big to be a Cardinal. I suggested that Zeke try out in Baltimore. They've got ravens and with some eye shadow, he might be able to pull it off."

Overpopulation and high unemployment is crippling Eagles throughout the United States.

Madison, WI -- A candidate for the Wisconsin secretary of state revealed in a naughty tell-all book that she had sex with the entire Green Bay Packer team in 1964 prior to them winning the NFL championship.

Sandy Sullivan, a 65-year old candidate with no political experience answered critics who said, "she has no experience." Sullivan said, "I scored more than the Barry Sanders on methamphetamines," Sullivan said, "and I'll bring my experience to the job as secretary of state. Not only will I take dictation, I'll take dicktation," added Sullivan.

The real surprise of the Sullivan book is her revelation that even legendary coach Vince Lombardi got into the act. "Coach Lombardi was just as tough on his sex partners as he was on his players,"writes Sullivan. "He once said 'illicit sex isn't everything it's the only thing.' "

Dallas, TX -- A 62-year old retired accountant from Nevada ate 247 peppers in 7:56 to win the Jalapeno Eating World Championship at the State Fair of Texas. However, moments after he achieved this feat, his penis fell off.

Richard LeFevre was happy about winning the first prize, his first in competitive eating, but he was unhappy about losing his penis. "It's served me well over the years," said Lefevre referring to his penis. "The $2,000 prize isn't much of a consolation for losing my little friend."

LeFevre is not the first person to lose a penis in jalapeno competitive eating. Dr. Dan Dongley, a urologist said, "Penis drop-off is very common in jalapeno competitive eating. If you want your penis to fall off, just eat 247 peppers and watch what happens."

Up next for LeFevre is the International Corn Dog Championship. "For chrissakes, I hate to even think what's going to happen to me with corn dogs," said LeFevre as he scratched his lonely testicles.

Pyongyang, PDNK -- The world now must get used to the idea that North Korea is the newest member of the nuclear family.

It is quite clear that North Korea has had nuclear aspirations for some time but has held back these ambitions in return for aid. However, this time North Korean strongman Kim Jong II has a new mandate aimed at NBA Commissioner David Stern. Jong said yesterday, "Me make bomb, you me team, yes?"

Though the NBA has plans to expand internationally, most notably into Mexico and Europe, North Korea has never been in the works. It was unknown to the clandestine nation's closest neighbor China, that Jong II even liked sports. The Chinese foreign minister explained, "It's no secret that Asians aren't very good at sports except for badminton and juggling Waterford Crystal on our noses with a panda bear in tow on a tricycle, but we can't understand why Jong wants an NBA when the no one in the country can find a meal."

Jong II said later, "China think they big shit cause they gots Yao Ming. They ain't such big shits. I bomb, they dead shits."

Kabul, Afghanistan -- The PGA announced today that it would schedule Kabul, Afghanistan as a stop on the 2008 tour.

PGA spokesperson Bob Aljeerizi said that the nine-hole Kabul Golf Club is probably one on the best test of golf ability of any course in the world. Aljeerizi explained, "It's got no grass and there are land mines everywhere. Every shot is a challenge."

Aljeerizi added that the pros will play the nine-hole twice so "that way nine plus nine equals eighteen." Golfer John Daly said he looked forward to playing the course that is basically "pure rock." "If I don't get shot," Daly said, "I'll probably win the longest drive contest." "But," he added, "I probably won't be able to get a drink at the eighteenth so I'm sort of bummed."

Club champ Ali Massood Mohhasad said very few pros can shoot par "with a golf club in one hand and an AK-47 in the other."

New York, NY -- Moments after Yankee owner George Steinbrenner fired manager Joe Torre, he announced that Torre's replacement will be "ugly."

Steinbrenner said after careful analysis, he realized that Yankees aren't ugly enough. "We're too pretty and even though Joe Torre was ugly enough, he was as ugly as he could be," explained Steinbrenner.

"I think you play harder for an ugly manager," added Steinbrenner. Yankee observers say that first base coach Larry Bowa is ugly but again might not be ugly enough for Steinbrenner taste. Yogi Berra's name has been floated as a candidate and though he's ugly and dumb enough, he's too old. Steinbrenner is said to be partial to actor Mickey Rourke. "Now there's an ugly guy," Steinbrenner was heard saying. "Let's go after him. With a name like Mickey, he's got Yankee pedigree."

"And," said Steinbrenner, "Mickey Rourke can chew bubble gum just like a big league manager."

Indianapolis, IN -- NBA forward Ron Artest arrived in Indianapolis after learning that former teammate Stephen Jackson was involved in a shooting at a strip club.

Jackson emptied his gun on Thursday evening after someone accidentally spilled some water on him. Artest said he was excited about coming back home for a gun fight. "Gun fights keep me sharp," Artest explained, "and it just so much damn fun fighting when you're partnered with Stephen Jackson."

Jackson was glad to be reunited with Artest even if it was only for one fight. "I hate to go into a gun fight without Ron. He just gives me that little bit of extra confidence that I need when I shoot into a crowd."

Fortunately no one was injured in the strip club melee but one stripper did have a hole in her "pastie."

Myrtle Beach, SC -- A foursome of golfers were killed yesterday by their wives after it was learned that they secretly planned and executed a golf weekend.

Bernie Beamer, Rich Benz, Audi Fricker, and Ted Volks had for years creeped away undetected to play golf while telling them they were away working on business. Betsey Beamer became suspicious on Wednesday when husband Bernie became nervous and began chewing on golf tees. "It's so easy to tell when he's lying," explained Betsey, "he always chews something."

The wives of the golfers got together and compared stories and put the puzzle together, they'd been duped by their husbands. Using sophisticated satellite technology, they were able to pinpoint their exact location on the Tidewater golf course. Armed with bows and arrows, they hunted their husbands down and killed them.

Molly Benz said, "My first arrow just stunned my husband a little but it slowed him up enough that my second on was a clean hit." The women were let go after posting $50 bail by a sympathetic judge. "We'll probably just skip town and start our new lives," smiled Faye Fricker.

Philadelphia, PA -- The city of Philadelphia has admitted that the statue on top of city hall is all wrong.

For a few hundred years, Philadelphians were told that a likeness of William Penn, the founder of Pennsylvania, sat high atop the seat of city government. On the Monday night football broadcast, analyst Mike Tirico pointed out that in reality it was Ben Franklin that sat on top of city hall.

"Everyone knows William Penn founded electricity with a kite," explained Tirico.

Mayor John Street said, "Boy are we embarrassed. For years we've been telling everyone that it's a statue of Billy Penn and now to learn it's Ben Franklin, wow do we feel stupid."

City council passed a resolution calling for an investigation into what has been described as a long history of a cover-up. "Someone's been playing an awful trick on this city and covering it up," said councilman Inky Penn. "Thank God for ESPN and Mike Tirico for providing the kind of insightful reporting the public has grown to expect."

Philadelphians owe a big debt of gratitude to Mike Tirico for pointing out the obvious.

Houston, TX - In an effort to get reinstated, former Oklahoma quarterback Rhett Bomar sent a letter to the NCAA apologizing for his actions which led to his dismissal from the Sooners football team.

Bomar was dismissed from the team when allegations surfaced that he took a job with a booster, got paid, but performed no work. Bomar lost his eligibility at Oklahoma and transferred to Sam Houston State, where he waits for reinstatement.

Jockweb was able to obtain a copy of Bomar's letter and we include it in this article for our readers.

State College, PA -- The man known as the "Pom-Pom Peeper" is finally in police custody.

For over two years Wilton Wallensky has moved in and out of cheerleading dressing room undetected by dressing as a "pom-pom." Police said Wallensky used the disguise to "get access to peeping at cheerleaders and also to be regularly fondled and shaken."

But Wallensky was finally captured this weekend as he was cornered on the Penn State sidelines. A cheerleader reported to stadium security that she believed her pom-pom was alive and touching her inappropriately.

Security closed in and finally collared Wallensky. "He's traumatized cheerleaders throughout the country," said cheerleader Mindy Gurgle. Wallensky admitted to being the "Pom-Pom Peeper" and said, "It's a great way to meet people."

Wallensky added that he had considered using the disguise to rob banks but enjoyed too much.being shaken by cheerleaders.

Philadelphia, PA -- The Philadelphia Phillies fired first base coach Mark Bombard for doing nothing.

Phillies manager Charlie Manual said, "That Bombard didn't do anything but stand next to first base. Okay, I don't do much, I admit, but this guy didn't do one single thing."

Bombard defended the allegations by saying, "I was just doing my job." He went on to say that the official first base coach job description states, "The first base coach should just stand next to the base and walk around the box. Occasionally he will clap his hands and say things like 'let's go' or just pat a players ass once in awhile." Bombard said he clapped his hands often and said he had calloused hands from patting asses.

Manual added, "He was pretty good with ass patting so I'm confident he'll catch on with another team." Bombard said that he was not bitter because he got paid for basically doing nothing and "that's pretty f$%^in amazing that you can get paid for patting asses."

Philadelphia, PA -- A homeless man who stole a computer with the entire Auburn football team playbook on it, was hired by Temple as a coordinator.

Bob Morrison, a 53-year old homeless man, did not expect his life to turn around after taking a computer from a hotel lobby in Alabama. Little did he know that the computer he was going to fence contained the sophisticated offensive scheme of Auburn coach Tommy Tubberville.

"Gee, I was just hoping to get $100 for it but now I'm a Division I offensive coordinator," beamed Morrison. Morrison was offered a job by Temple's first year coach, Al Golden. Golden said, "Our offense has been sputtering for the last fifteen years and we think Bob can come in and give it a shot in the arm. Plus he'll work for cigarettes and coffee."

Morrison added, "I think we're still about a year or two from turning things around here at Temple. Give us some time to get used to the MAC conference and this team is going to win some games." Temple goes into this weekend with a twenty game losing streak.

Chicago, IL -- In a tender moment that serves to debunk the myth that men lack feelings, Chicago White Sox catcher A.J. Pierzynski gently broke some sad news to pitcher Joe Crede.

Pierzynski had learned earlier in the game that Crede's cat had been eaten by a club house pit bull. Crede's cat, Turkle the Tabby, had been his constant companion for the last five years. Pierzynski explained, "Joe just loved that cat and that cat loved Joe." But unfortunately Crede had brought the cat to the stadium and sadly the cat was declawed. Raoul, a pit bull, owned by Ozzie Guillen, got loose and ate Crede's cat.

When Pierzynski learned of the cat's death, he walked to the mound and softly gave Crede the news. Observers say it was one of the "most tender moments" in sports history. Pierzynski softly laid his throwing hand on Crede's hip and whispered, "Your cat's been eaten. Now we've got bases loaded with two outs, let's get this guy out at home plate."

Crede later said, "I don't know too many men that could have handled the situation like AJ did. He's an American hero. Real men do have feelings."

Nashville, TN -- Tennessee Titans coach Jeff Fisher knows a little something about the old glass half-full empty theory.

After Haynesworth was suspended for five games for kicking Cowboy Andre Gurode in the head, Fisher said, "Well the good news is we've got our kicker." The Titans kicking game has suffered since the beginning of the season with second year kicker Rob Bironas.

Fisher says that "Bironas isn't getting the job done and we're giving up too much field position with our kicking game." The Titans plan to use Haynesworth upon his return as both a kicker and a down lineman. Fisher explained that after reviewing the Titan-Cowboy game film that "if Gurode's head was a football, Haynesworth probably would be good for a 60 yarder."

Haynesworth expressed remorse for kicking Gurode but said, "You know something good comes out of everything and if I can help the team with my kicking then I'm all about team."

"I could have had the record," said Haynesworth later referring to the NFL field goal mark.

Ann Arbor, MI -- The mystery of 'Big Foot' or 'Sasquatch' resurfaced this weekend at the most unlikely of places, a college football game.

For years the elusive ape-like creature has been spotted in remote areas around North America but no one has ever been able to record a close-up picture.

"It was definitely 'Big Foot', " said sophomore Bobby Hack, "or it was Rosie O'Donnell after a few days without a razor." Since many spotting of 'Big Foot' have been in the Great Lakes region, it was no surprise that the creature showed up at a Michigan game.

"He was just cheering his little heart out," said Becky Fishbomb. "He's so cute and honestly I like a hairy guy. Lots of girls are turned off by guys with hairy backs but to me, I love to give a hairy guy a full body massage with 'woolite.' "

After the game 'Big Foot' was seen going back into the wilderness with a hot dog and a soda and a cute co-ed.

San Francisco, CA -- Retired NFL linebacker and suspected steroid user Bill Romanowski ate a 12-year old football player in a rage at a youth flag football game.

Romanowski, who played for several NFL teams throughout his career, was coaching his son's flag football team. During a time out, Romanowski was giving his team a talk on the value of sportsmanship and clean play. One player, Barry Freikin allegedly commented, "You steroid maniac, who are you to tell us about sportsmanship?"

Witnesses say the comment by Freikin enraged the usually docile Romanowski. "It was a Freikin comment for God's sake," said teammate Les Best. Romanowski grabbed Freikin and ate him in front of helpless bystanders.

"It all happened so quickly," said Millie Mills, "that no one could react fast enough. And that Romanowski is a fast eater." The parents of the boy said that they would do all in their power to make sure they get their league registration money returned to them. "I'm not paying for this," screamed Barry Freikin Sr.

Later Romanowski said the quintessential cannibal line that Freikin "tasted like chicken."

Stillwater, OK -- Oklahoma State University broke ground on a multi-million dollar sports facility after being awarded $165 million dollars from billionaire T. Boone Pickens.

Unfortunately, the project has experienced nothing but trouble since it's inception. Local landowners have refused to sell their homes to the University in order to clear land for the construction. Several landowners cite a clause in the OSU charter saying that the school is in violation of it's own rules because there are no farmers on the Board of Regents. The school charter states that five out of eight regents must be farmers. Second, there are charges that the University is trying to save money on the project by using non-union construction workers.

Local union rep Tom Joad said the most of the workers are unskilled and that they are using animal labor too. "They've got yaks carrying two by fours for chrissakes."

School officials said they are trying to respond to the complaints. "We went out and got some farmers for the Board of Regents," said Pickens. "And there good ones from Yunan province in China. Those can guys can farm."

Palm Beach, FL -- The USGA in attempt to boost ratings and revenue has experimented with adding "supplemental" programming to their golf tournaments.

Critics say that the golf association has crossed the taste line and have called the experiment "shameful and base." Longtime sport scene observer Frank Four said that activities such as "letting dogs carry out their fantasies on a practice green, spoils the long sacred tradition of the game of golf."

Spectators were mixed over the issue. George Hallas, who has been watching golf for over fifty years, said, "I'll be honest with you, I thought the dog thing was pretty original. It beat watching John Daly throwing clubs."

A USGA spokesperson said, "The bottom line is that no one can say golf is boring anymore. You just don't know what kind of excitement you're going to see at a golf event."

Poodle jumping? Reactions are mixed. Shameless exploitation or sports entertainment?

New York, NY -- Newly installed NFL commissioner Roger Goodall called an emergency meeting of the rules committee and passed a resolution making flying during a game illegal.

Goodall said, "I really don't have much to do and people kind of expect me to do something commissioner like so I called the meeting." Goodall added that he noticed that lots of players fly during games and "it's just plain wrong."

"If we have to worry about our players flying then we're going to have to start looking up and worrying about them crapping on us," Goodall emphatically stated. "There nothing worse than sitting on a beach and having a seagull drop one on you so I don't think our players or fans want to be shitted on either."

Flying will result in a 15 yard penalty. Flying and crapping on someone will be an automatic 1st down at the spot of the foul.

Dallas, TX -- Dallas Cowboy receiver Terrell Owens told reporters that his attempt to kill himself would have been successful if the Philadelphia Eagles hadn't interfered.

"It was Donovan just being Donovan," said Owens referring to Eagles QB Donovan McNabb. "He don't want nothing good to happen to me and if I was successful at something it would mean I was successful at something."

Confused reporters tried to make sense out of Owens ramblings but gave up. Owens was left standing at the podium very much alive and with a very expensive pair of diamond earrings. "I guess I'm alive and Andy Reid is still a big, fat guy," Owens said.

Owens agent Drew Rosenhaus had no comment but was seen carefully inspecting an Owens life insurance policy with a magnifying glass.

Owens did say, "Mabye suicide is a pretty dumb idea. I've got a lot to live for."