FORMER PENN STATE B-BALL COACH TO MENTOR SWIMMERS?

Boulder, CO -- Former Penn State women's basketball coach Rene Portland has been hired to coach the U.S. Olympic Swimming team.

Portland, who resigned under pressure from PSU for allegedly running lesbian players out of her program, has no previous swim coaching experience. But according to one source close the women's Olympic program, "We've got a rampant lesbian thing going on." One Olympic spokesperson said, "I'm all for lesbians but these gals are just out of control and we think Rene can come in and intimidate everyone."

After her first practice, Portland reported, "Yep, they've got a ton of lesbians and I've got a lot of work ahead of me." Portland immediately put up signs around the pool to let the swimmers know, "I mean business." One sign said, "No Grabbing Ass!" and another said, "No Battery Operated Devices Near The Water!"

"It's for their own safety," explained Portland. "These young women have to understand that lesbianism and swimming are two entirely different activities that should be conducted in different environments." Portland immediately took action against the 8-women relay event. Several swimmers have habitually been lining up on the blocks in close formation, "with lots of massaging and ass touching." "That's got to stop!" said Portland.

The coach did concede, "After the race, the girls can shower and lather each other up and even I may get excited watching, but let's keep the focus on the competition."

Portland put her foot down on the 8-women relay. We must admit, this was a very fun event to watch. We'll miss it!

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CLOTHING UNCOVERED AT YANKEE STADIUM CONSTRUCTION SITE; SUSPECT FINGERED

New York, NY -- A Boston Red Sox shirt was discovered placed in cement on Saturday in an apparent effort to put a "Sox" curse on the new facility.

Workers immediately began removing the shirt with jackhammers and after several hours more horror was revealed. In addition to the shirt, there were a extremely large pair of men's boxer shorts, a woman's brassaire and thong pulled out of the dried concrete. Investigators on the scene debunked the Red Sox curse theory and immediately turned their attention to Massachusetts' Senator Edward Kennedy.

"We're confident that this is the work of Teddy Kennedy," said an NYPD detective. "It's a common pattern for Teddy to leave his underwear behind after his amorous conquests," he added. Initially all signs led to former President Clinton as the culprit but the size 68 boxer shorts gave police the confidence that Kennedy was their man.

Kennedy said he didn't remember being near the construction site "but then again, I don't remember much about any of that kind of shit." However the veteran Senator did admit, "Wow, putting a bra and panties in concrete is a whole lot better than putting them in the glove compartment of my car."

Yankees owner Hank Steinbrenner said, "The universe has been restored to order."

Security cameras were able to catch Ted Kennedy leaving the construction site after burying his shirt and boxers.

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BERNARD HOPKINS TO FIGHT SIR ANTHONY HOPKINS

London, England -- Boxing promoters announced yesterday that middleweight slugger Bernard Hopkins will fight actor Sir Anthony Hopkins in a 12-round "superfight" sometime next month.

Hopkins, who terms himself "The Executioner" expressed frustration over being constantly confused with the Welsh actor, most noted for his role as Hannibal Lecter in "Silence of the Lambs" film. "Truthfully," said the pugilistic Hopkins, "it'll sort of be like fighting Mike Tyson only with a bigger appetite." "But," he added, "it's time we got this Hopkins thing over with."

Sir Anthony told reporters that he looks forward to the fight because "fighting Bernard is a lot more fun than playing old, sex starved butlers," referring to his role in "Remains for the Day."

Bernard Hopkins believes that Sir Anthony can't have much gas left in the tank. But Sir Anthony disagreed saying he has doubled his intake of tea and crumpets and "I'm probably in better shape today than when I had sex with Ann Margaret in that movie where I played the ventriloquist."

"This will be jolly good fun," said Bernard Hopkins, "and I will jolly well kick this jolly motherf*****'s ass back to jolly old England."

In her day, no one had finer crumpets than Ann Margaret.

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NHL PLAYOFFS ARE HERE! EXCITED YET?

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EVE LONGORIA TAKES HUBBY TO COURT

San Antonio, TX -- "Desperate Housewives" star Eve Longoria turns out to be pretty desperate after all. Yesterday, Longoria was in court yesterday requesting a court order that "she would never be more than five-feet away from her husband Tony Parker."

Longoria said that she wanted a "close relationship" and she was fearful that as a basketball player's wife, she would be left alone a lot. A judge sided with the TV star and said that her request was "just beautiful." The judge commented, "Isn't that sweet? Just think how happy couples would be if we just had stay within five feet of each other. ""It's just a way for Tony and I to keep that honeymoon feeling alive," said Longoria as she shadowed Parker during pre-game warm-ups.

Parker admitted, "She's a little needier than I expected but we'll give it a shot. Wow five-feet, that's close even if she's really hot."

Spurs coach Greg Popovich had his hands full trying to work Longoria into the offense. "She can push the rock up the floor but with the five-feet separation limit, we're not able to execute a pick and roll," said Popovich. Spurs players applaud the move with Center Tim Duncan commenting, "She's a barrel of fun in the shower room and a real good sport about soaping up my back."

Parker later said out of the side of his mouth, "Yeah, sure, married life is terrific. And I have to eat every single f***ing meal with her too."

Longoria and Parker within 5-feet after the distance court order was imposed.

 

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KANSAS' SELF WATCHING OUT FOR HIM SELF

Lawrence, KS -- After winning the NCAA championship on Monday, Kansas coach Bill Self turned down a lucrative offer to coach at his alma mater Oklahoma State.

There were rumors flying around that billionaire Oklahoma State supporter, T. Boone Pickens, was prepared to offer a multimillion dollar deal to Self. "It's not about the money," said Self. "It's about doing the best thing for mySelf," he added. "I'm all about Self whether it be mySelf, himSelf, or yourSelf," he explained.

Pickens said later, "He's obsessed with Self. I've never met anyone before who is so concerned with himSelf." "What can I say?" asked Self as he painted his Self portrait. "Hey, I think tomorrow I'll do a Self examination," he continued.

Self said that he gets a lot of grief about the Self jokes but "I've learned a long time ago that you have to be able to laugh at yourSelf." One KU player said, "It gets really confusing in the huddle like when Coach says things like, 'look at yourSelf or ask yourSelf' cause we always think he's talking to himSelf."

Alabama football coach Lou Saban commented, "Can I get that T. Boone Pickens guy's number? I like to watch out for mySelf too."

Hey, look at this nifty Self-adhesive bra.

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DISNEY TO GO AFTER UCONN FOR CONTRACT INFRINGEMENT

Buena Vista, FL -- The Walt Disney Company announced today that it is bringing suit against the University of Connecticut for using Disney talent without permission.

In the suit, Disney alleges that UConn woman's basketball coach Geno Auriemma is actually actor Frankie Avalon of Mouseketeer fame. Auriemma denied the rumors that he was indeed Avalon, but sources close the program say that before every game the coach makes his players listen to 50's hit, "Venus."

Neighbors of Frankie Avalon say that the actor usually disappears in November and returns in early April, coinciding with the beginning and end of basketball season.

Disney wants compensation from UConn since Avalon is still under contract. "We'd like to make 'Beach Blanket Bingo X' and we want to shoot next fall but Geno, I mean Frankie, is coaching," said attorney Randolph Longfellow Hayers. "Gee," he added, "I love the Beach Blanket franchise and hot chicks in 50's bikinis," panted Hayers.

Auriemma (second from left) doing the froog with Annette Funicello in "Bikini Beach Party," shot right after UConn's early exit from the NCAA tourney.

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OPRAH WANTS JOCKWEB!

Opryland, USA -- Entertainment gallactical star Oprah Winfrey announced yesterday, "I want Jockweb!" Winfrey, who now owns 98.7% of all of the United States told reporters that she will stop at nothing in her quest to acquire the on-line sports site.

Attorneys for both sides met late into the evening last night in what is being described as a "hostile takeover." Jockweb CEO Shecky Sheckstein described the proceedings as "more bitchy than hostile." Though Sheckstein admitted that for the right price, "I can be bought."

It is unclear what Winfrey would do with Jockweb if she did managed to secure the deal. "It sucks but I want it," said Winfrey. "I love Shecky and he will be a jewel in my crown," she panted. "Does Sheckstein realize that I can do for him what I did for Dr. Phil?" Oprah asked. Then answering her own question Winfrey went on to say, "That if I can take a bald sub-par psychologist with a shitty, failing private practice and turn him into a international franchise, imagine what I could do for Sheckstein, a hack publisher, who is neither funny nor literate."

Sheckstein responded by saying, "She's got a point so all I can say is, 'Yes, I'm your bitch, Oprah.'" A spokesperson for Winfrey said, "This is a cashless deal where no cash will be exchanged because there is no value to Jockweb either financially, journalistically, morally, or in any other imaginable way."

However readers of the cyber-daily have nothing to fear. "The transition will be seemless," said Sheckstein. "Hopefully I'll be getting some nookie or something somewhere but it'll be behind the scenes," he dreamt.

What exactly did Winfrey mean when she said, "I can't wait to get my hands on Sheckstein." There are multiple levels of meaning here. Pick the one that suits you.

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NBA HALL SHUTS OUT BOERWINKLE AGAIN

San Antonio, TX -- Pat Riley, Adrian Dantley, Hakeem Olajuwon, and Patrick Ewing are in and Tom Boerwinkle is not. Yesterday the NBA Hall of Fame announced it's 2008 inductees and once again, Boerwinkle has been shut out.

"It's who you know," said a dejected Boerwinkle. The retired center, who spent his entire career with the Chicago Bulls, admitted, "Yes, I'm bitter." Boerwinkle, a 7-footer who averaged 2.8 points during his career with the Bulls commented, "It's Boerwinkle not Bullwinkle!" Boerwinkle admitted that there may have been confusion on the Hall of Fame ballot where he may have been mixed up with the lovable cartoon moose of the same time.

"Lots of people mix up Boerwinkle and Bullwinkle all the time," said his mother. "Bullwinkle just cracks me up," said Mrs. Boerwinkle, "and maybe Tom should have considered a career in cartoons."

Les Esmore, President of the Committee to Elect Tom Boerwinkle To Something, said, "We're not giving up, we're going to get Tom Boerwinkle elected to something." He added in disgust, "Come on now, Patrick Ewing vs. Tom Boerwinkle?"

Bullwinkle and his sidekick Rocky the Flying Squirrel had no comment and are only available in re-runs.

Bullwinkle commented, "Who would you rather see coach the Miami Heat, Pat Riley or me?"

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FIA TO CUT MOSLEY'S EXPENSE ACCOUNT

London, England -- The Formula One racing governing body (FIA) announced yesterday that they will discipline its president, Max Mosley, for an alleged incident involving a "sadomasochistic orgy" with five prostitutes.

One report described the incident as a "wild sex party with some Nazi role-playing." A video (which we can't find for the friggin' life of us) shows a man, appearing to be Mosley, chained over a "torture" bench while being caned by a woman. British media reports said Mosley paid 2,500 British pounds, which is a little less than $5,000 (look how sharp we are on currency conversion...send us your rubles!).

Formula One chief executive Al Speers said, "Wow, $5,000 for some S&M,  THAT is CHEAP!" He added with surprise, "Even with the dollar sinking to all-time lows against the Euro, you can still get whipped and caned for the same price as buying a used Dodge Stratus."

Speers reacted to public outcry about the Nazi re-enactment by telling angry spectators, "Don't you worry, we're taking away his clothing allowance." Speers announced that Mosley's expense account will be carefully scrutinized. " "We're going down that thing with a fine tooth comb," he explained. "I wonder," Speers asked, "what these gals could do with a fine tooth comb?"

Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer announced yesterday, "I'm getting into racing!"

 Some reports have Mosley dressing as a cheerleader and getting spanked while at the bottom of a pyramid. Doesn't that sound fun?

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GOLFER AZINGER ATTACKS NICK FALDO

London, England -- Mild mannered Ryder Cup captain Paul Azinger threw down the gauntlet yesterday by calling the British captain, Nick Faldo, "a big prick!"

Azinger's bad feelings for Faldo go back a long time to incidents where Faldo was both a "prick and cheat." Azinger asked one more time, "Did I say yet he's a big prick?" After reporters confirmed that Azinger had indeed called Faldo a big prick, Azinger repeated it at least fifteen times, screaming, "Big prick, big prick, big prick...(12 more big pricks)." Azinger said later, "It feels really good to scream Nick Faldo is a big prick." He continued, "Golfers are kind of low key and it's not usual that we get real emotional but when you have a big prick like Faldo, you just want to scream, big prick!"

Faldo denied being a "big prick." "I guess I can be a prick but I don't think I'm a big prick." Prick expert Dr. Ruth Westenheimer commented, "Most pricks are not that big so when someone calls you a big prick, you normally blush look down, and check twice." Westenheimer added, "Nick Faldo is a big prick and I hate people with accents."

Ryder Cup officials refused to comment on the incident only to say, "Though the Ryder Cup is the epitome of tradition and civility in golf competition, Nick Faldo is a big prick!"

Nick Faldo later admitted, "Alright already, I'm a big prick!"

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BRIAN MCNAMEE SPEAKS TO YOUNGSTERS

Houston, TX -- Baseball trainer Brian McNamee took time from his busy schedule to address a group of school children about the rewards and satisfaction of being a MLB trainer.

McNamee gained notoriety after whistle-blowing to the Congressional investigation about Roger Clemens' steroid usage. The former Clemens personal trainer had saved syringes for years so that he would have the evidence to testify against his former boss.

"Save everything," instructed McNamee to an enthralled sixth-grade audience. "Like you may think an old toothbrush is worn out and not worth anything. But who knows?" he added. "It might come in handy in some future lawsuit against your dentist," he warned.

Several of the kids asked McNamee, "Isn't it kind of a pain in the ass to carry all that stuff around like when you move or go on vacation?" McNamee admitted that "Yes, that can be a problem but  when you whip out some syringes that someone thought you threw out? Wow, the expression on the other guy's face is worth the effort." McNamee did admit, "You know those colon-rectal cards that you put your poop on to check your stool sample? They can be a pain to save but by all means save them."

Later McNamee signed copies of his book, "The Stink Eventually Goes Away," and then had cookies and lemonade with the students. "I just always try and help out the kids," smiled McNamee.

 

McNamee showed pictures of his backyard telling the kids, "I save everything!"

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CARDS WHISENHUNT TO LEINART: "LET ME IN THE HOT TUB!"

Phoenix, AZ -- Phoenix Cardinals head coach Ken Whisenhunt chatted with quarterback Matt Leinart yesterday after photos showing the partying Leinart appeared on the Internet.

After seeing photos of Leinart assisting a coed drinking from a beer bong and sharing a hot tub with four women, Whisenhunt expressed "disappointment" in his quarterback. "I'm very upset Matt didn't call me," said Whisenhunt. "If there's a hot tub with hot young women, I want to be in it," he added. "And further," Whisenhunt asked, "I'm the head coach and that can mean so many things in this type of situation. Look for some sexual innuendo there and have a chuckle," said the spirited coach.

Leinart apparently called Whisenhunt from the hot tub and began to "rub it in" about how he is a big stud and joked that Whisenhunt's "best days are behind him and that his sexual prowess has dried up like a box of University of Southern California Raisins." In a supposedly heated exchange the coach told his player that from here on in, "if you get an opportunities like this and don't call me, Kurt Warner is like a son to me."

Afterwards the two shook hands and Leinart turned over his playbook with all his female contacts to Whisenhunt. Whisenhunt winked and said, "Chicks dig a guy named Whisenhunt."

This vixen was pulled over after leaving the raucous Matt Leinart hot tub.

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TROY POLAMALU'S HAIR MISSING

Pittsburgh, PA -- Pittsburgh Steelers defensive back Troy Polamalu filed a missing persons report with the Pittsburgh Police Department yesterday after discovering that his hair was missing.

Polamalu told police that his hair had been anxious as of late due to a possible NFL rule change where no hair can hang below the helmet line. Polamalu's signature long, uncut hair became very anxious and when he awoke on Tuesday, "my hair was missing."

The All-Pro defender said, "There was no note, no explanation but I knew the hair was worried." Through tears he added, "We've never been apart so you can imagine how upset I am. I just pray the hair is okay."

A police spokesperson appealed to the public, "If anyone sees the hair or possibly a subject who has possibly taken the hair against it's will, please contact the Pittsburgh Police immediately." Former detective and author Paul Mitchell said that, "The truth is, lots of hair goes missing everyday but it's not until someone in the public eye is affected that it gets the publicity it deserves." "Missing hair is one of the ugly secrets in this country," Mitchell added.

Polamalu begged milk companies, "Please put a picture of my hair on a milk carton." Police cautioned that, "if you see the hair, please don't approach it. It is considered, long and dangerous and very unruly."

A composite sketch of Polamalu's hair was released yesterday.

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BRETT MYERS DOES NOT HIT WIFE AT OPENER; NO APRIL FOOLING HERE!

Philadelphia, PA -- After dropping another season opener, the Phillies entered the clubhouse frustrated after staging a valiant comeback against the Washington Nationals.

The Nationals rallied for a late five runs to break a tie and came out on top 11-6. Angry with the loss, after starting the game and going five innings, pitcher Brett Myers was able to control himself and he did not slap his wife. April Fools! Myers did slap his wife. In a related story, Lakers guard Kobe Bryant entered a Denver hotel, signed an autograph for a young female fan and went on his way. April Fools! Bryant took her to his room where they had consensual sex. In another related story, Adam Pacman Jones did not enter a strip club yesterday with a gun. April Fools! Shit, it was Monday and "All the Wings You Can Eat" at the Straight Up Gentlemen's Club. Jones entered the club, ate a bunch of wings and then shot the place up.

That's enough. No more related stories, no more stupid April Fools stuff. Get back to work! No change that. Take the day off. Go play some golf. Get a massage. Call up Eliot Spitzer and go hang out for a couple of hours. You deserve it, you big April Fool!

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JOCKWEB ANNOUNCES APRIL CONTEST

Jockweb, HQ -- Jockweb CEO, creative genius, and czar of Mother Russia, Shecky Sheckstein announced yesterday, "It's time we had a contest."

Sheckstein said it was about time a world class publication like Jockweb held a contest. "It seems like everyone holds some kind of contest and the chances of winning are slim to none." He added, "So let's have one of those statistically ball busting contest where the odds are about 18 billion to 1 that you can win anything. And let's make the first prize a billion dollars and let's fix it so everyone gets excited thinking they're going to win something but the next day they realize all of life is predetermined in favor of a few bastards and you never get squat especially from contests that lead you on with the promise of easy riches."

So here it is. Jockweb's first annual, "Can You Guess What Happened Three Hours Later?" Contest. Just stare at the picture below for a few minutes and ask yourself, "What do I think happened three hours later after this picture was snapped?" Send your response into Jockweb and we'll let you know if you win the billion dollars. Either way, you're going to have lots of fun. So go ahead, take a chance!

YOU COULD WIN A BILLION DOLLARS!

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CHEF PAUL PRUDHOMME SHOT AT GOLF COURSE; VP CHENEY KEY SUSPECT

Gretna, LA -- Celebrity chef Paul Prudhomme was shot while cooking at a golf course near New Orleans.

Prudhomme was in a cooking tent at the Zurich Classis of New Orleans when he felt a sharp sting on his right arm. "At first I just thought it was a crayfish with some tabasco crawling up my arm and then I thought, oh no, it must be Dick Cheney," said Prudhomme.

Deputies believe Prudhomme was hit be a bullet from Vice President Cheney's hunting rifle because police said, "He usually hits someone at least once a week." Cheney denied being near the golf course but did admit, "If I get a quail I'd like Paul Prudhomme to do something 'cajun' with it." Cheney later admitted to reporters, "There's a very good possibility that I may have hit Paul Prudhomme with a stray bullet and I'll be if you marinate and barbecue him, he'd be a full-flavored meal."

Prudhomme recovered from the gunshot wound and had a very productive afternoon. He continued cooking for golfers, caddies, and guests, then went out and shot a seven under par 65, and later picked up John Daly off the floor of a bar, took him home, undressed him and laid him in bed. "It's fun being Paul Prudhomme," smiled Prudhomme.

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GREG ODEN SHUT DOWN IN PICK-UP GAME

Portland, OR -- Last year's number one NBA draft pick Greg Oden, drew the ire of the Portland Trailblazers management after playing in a pick-up game at a local gymnasium.

Oden missed his rookie season due to a microfracture in his knee which required surgery. He missed his entire rookie season because of the surgery but recently began working out again. Oden, supposedly, stopped by a gym and began playing with a group of middle aged insurance executives.

A Trailblazer spokesperson said, "For 100 million over seven years, he should be playing pick-up?"

Sadly for the Blazers, 48-year-old Turk Gumber was able to completely shut down Oden in two games to 11. Gumber explained, "You have to win by 2 and we beat'em 11-4 and 11-2, so that tells you Oden was basically ineffective." Gumber added, "I kept him away from the basket and just frustrated him by making him take long jumpers and he's got no shot."

Oden was very complimentary about Gumber. "He's a hellava post up player and he's given me some nice rates on my auto and homeowners. I'm seriously thinking about laying some whole life business on him."

Gumber told Oden that a sensible financial plan call for having life insurance in the amount of three times your annual income.

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TIGER SNAPS; CLAWS PHOTOGRAPHER

Passthe Baton, FL -- Golfing superstar Tiger Woods went on a angry tirade against a photographer, who snapped his picture on the ninth hole at the WCA-CA Championships at the Doral Country Club.

Woods, who clawed the photographer with the extra long fingernails he had been growing, said, "Long fingernails always come in handy when your nickname is Tiger and when you're pissed." The photographer was taken to a courtesy tent where he was treated by an 88-year-old tournament volunteer for lacerations to the face and neck. The elderly volunteer said, "I'm just so happy to have something to do. I volunteered for this stupid tournament because there's nothing for old people to do in Florida."

The photographer was released to family after he was giving a bunch of mismatch band-aids. He asked, "Why is it that first- aid kits never have enough matched sized band-aids?"

Woods later defended himself for his outbreak by asking for understanding. "Can't you see the pressure I'm under?" he asked. "Do you think it's easy making a kazillion dollars a year and being married to one of the hottest chicks on the planet?" he continued. Woods confessed that he was a bit worried about wife Elin and their mailman. "I'm worried about the mailman because he comes to my house everyday. Someone once told me that you've got to watch out for mailmen. Is that true?"

Postmaster General Barney Balue immediately announced that the price of a stamp will increase to $.57 to cover the cost of the Elin Woods-Mailman investigation. "I'm going to look into this whole thing and I'm determined to get to see Elin Woods in person," said Balue. "In fact I'm going back on the street and I'm taking over that route!" he promised.

Guys will do just about anything to deliver Elin Woods' mail.

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DETROIT MAYOR TAKES RAP FOR KWAME BROWN

Detroit, MI -- Embattled Detroit mayor Kwame Kilpatrick political situation went from terrible to horrible yesterday when he was charged with more stuff on top of his old stuff.

Kilpatrick is facing the usual charges against politicians, like lying, cheating, stealing from the public coffers, and the very normal having a sexual relationship with a staff member at the taxpayers expense. "It's looking real bad," said Kilpatrick. "Jees," he added, "if I did all the things they say I did, I ought to be spending a long time in hell."

Kilpatrick wondered aloud what hell will be like. "Do you think it's hot like they say it is or do you think it's just like a place full of a lot of assholes like Dick Cheney?" he asked. Either way, political enemies took the opportunity to expand the charges against Kilpatrick.

Yesterday, several NBA cities insisted that Kilpatrick be blamed for making Kwame Brown a first round draft pick. NBA commissioner David Stern commented, "Someone should take the heat for letting Kwame Brown into the NBA, so why not another Kwame?" NBA legend Michael Jordan said, "One Kwame can't run a major city and the other can't run up and down the court." Jordan added, "Yeah, let's put the bastard in jail."

Kilpatrick defended himself by saying, "I'm just like everyone else. I thought a 7' kid coming out of high school could give someone some quality minutes but I guess I was wrong." "And," he added, "I'm sorry Detroit, I'm sorry Washington, and I'm sorry LA."

MJ breathlessly said, "I'm doing my best to get over Kwame Brown."

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HILARY CLINTON LIES ABOUT HER DAYS WITH THE YANKEES

New York, NY -- Democratic presidential candidate Hilary Clinton continued yesterday to exaggerate claims about her past experiences.

Several days ago, Clinton said that she heroically avoided sniper fire years ago during a visit to then war-torn Bosnia Herzegovina. On further inspection, it was discovered that there was no sniper fire and that Clinton baked up the whole idea to make herself look impressive.

Yesterday, building on that trend, Clinton said that her experience as the New York Yankees catcher makes her an acceptable candidate to "all the men who hate me." Clinton delivering a  speech to an entire audience of men at the Androgynous Plumbers Guild said, "I remember batting clean-up and leading the 1963 Yankees to the World Series." Several men later questioned Clinton on the facts stating that their recollection of the '63 Yankees put Yogi Berra behind the plate.

Clinton defended her story by explaining that in 1963, "Yogi had a broken middle finger from a foul tip. From June on, I caught 121 games, batted .322 and had 105 RBI's."

Baseball historians disagree on Clinton's baseball career. Flecky Guck, author of "Ugly Baseball Players of the Late 1920's" said, "It's quite possible that she did catch for someone. She's got those really bad catchers legs and thighs." He added, "We know she's never caught for husband Bill but the Yankees? Could be."

Clinton said that her bust is on display at the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, NY.

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VP CHENEY INJURES SEVERAL FANS WITH T-SHIRT GUN

East Rutherford, NJ -- At least five innocent spectators were injured at the Continental Airlines Arena after a "t-shirt gun" mishap.

What began as a fun halftime promotion turned into a disaster after an air-powered launcher fell into the wrong hands. Actor and surprise guest at the Nets game, Bruce Willis, treated the fans with yucks and giggles as he shot New Jersey Nets t-shirts to excited fans throughout the arena. However, things turned ugly when Vice-President Dick Cheney, sitting in the front row, asked for a turn at the t-shirt gun.

Willis politely handed the gun over to Cheney, who proceeded to go wild with the piece and critically injured five fans in Section 47A. Cheney expressed surprise at the power of the gun saying, "I like the action on this puppy." Cheney added that this is the weapon of choice in the country's new surge initiative in Iraq. "The surge is working and we're seeing results on the ground because of the t-shirt gun," Cheney beamed.

Cheney explained that terrorist like nothing better than a free t-shirt. "We like to lull them into a false sense that they will be getting a free t-shirt and then we blast them at close range with a balled up t-shirt...they don't know what hit them." Cheney said he was particularly fond of the "Suicide Bombers Never Have a Nice Day" t-shirt that has become very popular in Baghdad.

Willis demonstrates the new U.S. secret weapon that is having terrific results in Iraq.

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MIAMI HEAT DISGUISE THEMSELVES; ELIMINATED FROM NCAA TOURNEY

Little Rock, AR -- The NBA cellar dwellars Miami Heat tried desperately to advance in the NCAA tournament but we're eliminated by a superior University of Texas Longhorns team.

The Heat management had kidnapped the entire University of Miami team earlier yesterday and replaced the team with the NBA franchise. "We're really hard up for a win," said Heat coach Pat Riley, "and we thought this was a damn good plan."  The University team was tied up at their hotel and was later released after the Heat were not able to get the job done against Texas.

Texas coach Rick Barnes said, "That's an NBA team? Are you shitting me?" Coach Pat Riley said later, "I've never won an NCAA game and I thought I had a good shot but we missed a three-pointer at the buzzer. I think if we had Shaq still on the team we might have had a chance."

Riley asked fans not to feel bad for him because "soon I'll write a motivational book about college coaching." Barnes commented, "No matter what the outcome, Pat Riley has some swell hair."

The Heat cheerleaders did however, outshine the Lady Longhorns.

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SERBIAN SWIMMER SETS OFF T-SHIRT FIRESTORM

Eindhoven, Netherlands -- A Serb swimmer was suspended from the European swimming championships for wearing a controversial t-shirt that said, "Kosovo is Serbia."

Observers said that tensions at the swim meet ran high because "basically everyone hates everyone else and lots of people wanted to start drowning each other." Serb and Kosovo swimmers went at it in the water with several swimmers facing bench time for "excessive splashing in faces." Several Serbs went right up to Kosovo swimmers and "just splashed a lot of water in their faces." One Kosovo swimmer said in his native tongue, "It really sucks when you don't expect to get splashed and then some asshole comes up and splashes you right in the face, shit, that really pisses me off."

Kosovians or Kosovos or Kosovons or Kosovans or Kosovis retaliated in mass by snapping wet towels at "Serbian butts." After the towel snapping, the Serbs really were mad and then gave all of the other guys "Speedo wedgies." Speedo wedgies are extremely painful and because Speedos are so small and a speedo wedgie can place enormous pressure on genitalia.

One Kosovoan said, "Wow, my balls are like up in my neck and let me tell you, I'm in some serious pain." After several Serbs laughed and said things like, "Nah-nah-nah-ah--boo-boo," the Kosovos swore revenge and bought tanks and AK-47's from the Chinese and opened fire on the Serbs. Later the Serbs issued a statement saying, "That's it, we're going home and we'll never swim you again."

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RUSSIAN BOXER GOES AFTER CORPORATE GIANT

Moscow, Russia -- Russian heavyweight boxer Nikolai Valuev announced today that he would sue hardware giant True Value for copyright infringement.

"I am True Valuev," said the 7-foot boxer, "and they no ask to use name, I kick ass." A True Value spokesperson responded to the charges with surprise. "Jees, I'm really surprised," said the spokesperson.

Valuev said that he had his own chain of hardware stores in Russia and "this whole mess just confusing consumers." He explained, "Lots of people come to hardware store...we drink vodka...get drunk, forget hardware." Valuev said that he was concerned if a Russian walked into a True Value store and got no get vodka. "What, they expect Russian to buy screws? No vodka, we tear store down," he explained.

Russian President Vladimir Putin threatened the United States with, "Close cheap hardware stores or we send leftover Cold War missiles to you." Putin added, "ACE is the place for hardware."

A Russian carpenter coming home from a trip to his local "True Valuev" hardware store.

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FRENCH TO BOYCOTT OPENING MINUTE OF THE OLYMPICS

Paris, France -- France's foreign minister took a hard line on the Chinese-Tibetan issue by reiterating a call for a boycott of the Beijing Olympics.

Moments later Minister Bernard Kouchner backtracked from an all-out boycott by saying, "Okay, maybe we don't want to do the whole boycott thing, how about if we boycott the opening ceremonies?" But after further thought he backtracked into a complete backslide suggesting, "Scratch that idea, let's just boycott the first minute of the games, like before anyone gets to their seats."

As if he had advanced Alzheimer's Disease, moments later Kouchner said, "Who gives a flying f*** about Tibet? Let's bag the whole idea and let's make some money."

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FLORIDA'S DONOVAN TAKES PLAYERS CLOTHES AWAY

Gainesville, FL -- After being knocked out of the Southeastern Conference and NCAA tournament field, University of Florida basketball coach locked his players out of their new $12 million facility. He also took all of their clothing because he said, "They don't deserve to wear clothes."

Donovan explained the his team is lazy and complacent and "when you take someone's clothes away they know you mean business." Florida football coach Urban Meyer used the same strategy earlier in the football season when Florida lost to rival Florida State. Linebacker Ian Stickey said, "Playing football without clothes on puts you at a big disadvantage especially when it's cold out but fortunately we're in Florida so it's not too bad."

Players laundry piled up in Donovan's office, "Maybe they'll appreciate the importance of underwear now," said the coach.

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CHAD JOHNSON EUTHANIZED

Lexington, KY -- Cincinnati Bengal wide receiver Chad Johnson was put to sleep yesterday be veterinary doctors after he sustained a leg injury racing a horse.

Johnson, who had claimed that he was faster than a horse, set out to prove that he was a thoroughbred by racing a field of three-year olds at Churchill Downs racetrack. Running without a jockey, Johnson held his own and had a three length lead over the field coming into the stretch.

Sadly though, Johnson pulled up lame with less than one hundred yards left in the race. Doctors on the scene desperately worked on Johnson's leg but realized "that the merciful thing to do was to put him down."

One witness said that "there was no shortage of volunteers who wanted to shoot Chad Johnson." Bengals coach Marvin Lewis was philosophical about the whole event saying, "Chad was unhappy in Cincinnati and hopefully he's happy with his new team, wherever that may be."

A spokesperson for the afterlife said, "We ain't putting up with any of that end zone bullshit where he's going."

Sadly, Johnson will not participate in this year's Triple Crown.

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TONY STEWART LASHES OUT AT GOODYEAR; THOUSANDS HURT

Atlanta, GA -- NASCAR driver Tony Stewart strongly admonished the Goodyear Tire Corporation for making, "really, crappy, high priced tires." Stewart was miffed last week when Goodyear sold Stewart four studded snow tires for his race.

Jeb McRuder, the manager of the Atlanta Goodyear Tire Store said, "It was just an accident. The weather's been crazy here this year and we thought Tony asked for snow tires." Stewart said, "That's bullshit, I said they sold me slow tires." McRuder said that the store would exchange the tires for something comparable if Stewart shows a receipt.

Stewart said he was pulled over during the race by Georgia State Police for driving with metal studs in his tires, which is against Georgia law. The on-going feud between Stewart and Goodyear has been brewing for some time. Stewart said that several times he has tried to get in on the "buy one tire, get the second for half-price" sale but "they never have my size when I get there."

After calling everyone associated with Goodyear, "dumber than worn tread," thousands of Goodyear employees took up arms and have sworn revenge on anyone associated, "with the mindless activity called NASCAR." "We may be as dumb as worn tread, but we have feelings," said Goodyear chairman Roadie Hugger. Thousands of counselors have been called in to help employees deal with their hurt feelings. "Tire people are sensitive and we won't let anyone, including Tony Stewart, run over us."

 

What is Stewart talking about? This studded tire really performs in winter.

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SOCCER PLAYERS DEFY DEODORANT RULING

Frankfurt, Germany -- Several soccer teams from around the world held their arms up yesterday in protest of a new FIFA ruling that requires all players to wear deodorant as part of the official soccer uniform.

"This is just another Eurocentric attempt to exert colonial control over the rest of the world," said one anonymous player. FIFA director Wilhelm Brut explained the new rule was put in, "because the plain fact is that sweaty men stink and they'll never be able to pick up chicks smelling like a barn animal."

Many players agreed that smelling like a barn animal is not such a bad thing because it increases your chances for romance. "Many barn animals find me extremely desirable," said one center striker, "and it increases my chances for romance. "The fact is we have these natural pheromones that attract the opposite sex and my social calendar is booked with smelly women and a few decent looking sheep," he added.

Brut said, "Okay so it's a bad idea. I don't want to piss off any sheep because as a rule I've never dated one but who knows? one day I may really be desperate." Dr. Phil McGraw weighed in on the controversy by adding, "Deodorant can't cover up a stinky heart so let's try and smell what's deep down inside someone." Millions of people responded, "Can someone just stick Dr. Phil with a pointed object?"

These players say, "We like the way each other smells and just because we like each others pheromones, we're not gay."

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OLYMPIC RUNNERS PREPARE FOR BEIJING

Beijing, China -- The United States Track and Field team landed in Beijing last week to begin preparations for the Summer Olympic games.

Coach Fred Spikes explained the early arrival was because, "We wanted to get a feel for the country and the facilities we'll be competing on." Spikes expressed concern too, "that we want to see what these rumors about air pollution are all about."

Spikes had the team go through a short 30-minute workout and he was very optimistic that his team would be able to deal with China's air quality. "Oh, what's a little pollution?" asked Spikes. "These are world class athletes. I don't want to hear any bitching," added Spikes.

Marathon runner Ben Zocaine said, "The air is a tad thicker here but, hey, I had a terrific, authentic Chinese dinner last evening."

China's ruling elite denies that there is any pollution and promised to stop making all the world's Christmas toys if everyone didn't "stop the whining."

One runner cleans up after a light workout. "Check out these funky bars of Chinese soap," said one runner.

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BABY BARKLEY ADMITS TO GAMBLING AWAY THOUSANDS

Tuscaloosa, AL -- The daughter of former NBA star and current TNT analyst Charles Barkley revealed that she is struggling with gambling in a recent interview after being asked, "What's it like being a woman and looking like Charles Barkley?"

Naptina Barkley, who currently stars for the University of Alabama, responded to the question, "Put it this way, if I shave my head and his breasts sag another inch or two, we're gonna be identical twins." The younger Barkley admitted that not only did she get her father's looks but she also received his penchant for high stakes gambling.

"Do I have a gambling problem? I don't know but I got his big, fat ass that I better take care of before I start worrying about gambling," she stressed. Like her Daddy, Naptina wax philosophical about her gambling, "The one thing I learned about gambling is that you can lose money." "But," she added, "it's my Daddy's money so it's not a problem. As long he stays on TNT, I can go on losing."

Naptina denied betting on WNCAA games because, "no one bets on WNCAA games except maybe my father." The elder Barkley said that he was having trouble peddling any kind of office pool involving women's basketball. "Can anyone give me some action on the Old Dominion-Hofstra conference opener?" he asked.

TNT analyst Ernie Johnson was asked if he thought the younger Barkley had a gambling problem. Johnson answered, "I don't know about her gambling but with her father's ass, she's gonna have trouble getting in the swimsuit edition."

Baby Barkley taking it strong to the cup.

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DON KING DISEASE SPREADS LIKE AVIAN FLU

Atlanta, GA -- The Center for Disease Control issued a national warning urging citizens to take the necessary precautions to prevent a further outbreak of "Don King Disease."

"It's spreading like a Southern California wildfire," said Dr. Chauncey Hiccups. "As a nation, we can't sit still much longer or else there could be a full scale epidemic," urged Hiccups.

Infected persons, both male and females, can expect a large pile of hair growing perpendicular to your head, along with a seedy looking moustache and an urge to wear lots of gold jewelry. One patient, who was rushed to an emergency room, described the symptoms as, "nightmarish and I immediately started hustling cash from anyone I knew included seniors, invalids, and pay per view subscribers."

Hiccups said at this time, "There is no cure for Don King disease and we're just going to have to bite the bullet and get our research gloves on and fight this thing." King, himself announced a fund raising drive, to help stamp out Don King disease "in our lifetime." King is asking citizens to send whatever they can to "Don King Enterprises, 476 Fomoe Drive, Cleveland, Ohio." King said, "Everything I collect is going to science!"

Two patients in the later stages of Don King disease.

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NEW YORK GOVERNOR SEEN WITH SMOOT, JONES

New York, NY -- New York Governor Eliot Spitzer was seen last night relaxing at a New York gentlemen's club with NFL players Fred Smoot and Pacman Jones.

Spitzer, who is on the hot seat for soliciting prostitutes, told reporters, "I'm just chillin' with my boys." News hit the stands yesterday that Spitzer was fingered in part of an investigation involving a New York prostitution ring and the Governor apologized to family and friends. Later on though, Spitzer said, "Freddie and Pac are there for me because they understand how the press can run away with this prostitute thing."

Smoot, famous for his Smoot sex cruise in Minnesota where guests could drink and cavort with prostitutes, said, "I don't care if you're in the NFL or the State House, a man has got to have paid sex once in awhile." "Besides," Smoot continued, "Eliot reminds me a lot of coach Brad Childress." Jones added, "Just cause he's governor, don't mean he's any smarter than me." Jones agreed with Smoot, "Damn, he does look like Brad Childress."

New York Knicks coach Isiah Thomas wrote Spitzer a personal note saying, "Dear Eliot, thanks for taking the heat off of me. Enclosed is $250 for Client #9." New York Giants coach Tom Coughlin was also very supportive of Spitzer saying, "Hey, a year ago, he got a four year extension from the voters and I was on the hot seat but look what a difference a year makes."

Frankly, we don't see the resemblance. Sorry Brad, for dragging you into this sordid mess.

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SHECKSTEIN TO SUE INTERNET

Jockweb, HQ -- After the second major server breakdown in 2008, Jockweb CEO Shecky Sheckstein announced that he would "make the Internet wish it wasn't the Internet."

Sheckstein's threat came after a second consecutive computer failure which crippled the on-line publication for five days. "Our readers are pissed or disinterested or perhaps a little of both," screamed Sheckstein, "and someone will pay!"

After two days Sheckstein was still asking where the hell is this Internet? "When it comes down to it, there is no one to actually sue for internet failure," he explained. "Alright I guess we'll just have to forget about it and start from scratch again," he added.

"How will we get a disenfranchised readership back without money or pictures of naked women?" he asked staffers. The Jockweb editorial board concurred, "It's going to take lots of money and even more naked women to get readers to read Jockweb both of which are in short supply."

For the limited amount of money we had, these were the only naked women we could come up with to entice our readership back. Sorry!

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WIND CARRIES SKI JUMPER TO NEW RECORD

Taellsljardes, FINLAND -- Nothing prepared Janne Hoppa for what would happen to him after took off down the ski jump yesterday at the World Ski Jumping Championships.

Once airborne, Hoppa got caught in a updraft which lifted up over 1200 ft. and carried him for 16 miles. The jump landed Hoppa in nearby Norway and establish a new record for ski jumping that surely will not be broken in the near future.

Sadly, Hoppa, while flying, was mistaken by some hunters for a pheasant and was shot from the air before the complete jump could take place. But the good news the gunshot wound only grazed him slightly, knocking him unconscious. Doctors said Hoppa will make a full recovery and should be back jumping by week's end.

Hoppa later told reporters that, "Anybody that ski jumps seriously should have their f***ing head examined." Vice President Dick Cheney expressed gratitude to Hoppa for the jump after he was identified as the hunter who shot Hoppa. "Do I get to keep him?" asked Cheney. Cheney explained that usually after he shoots a pheasant, he removed the bird's feathers, cleans it and puts it in a roasting pan. "But," added Cheney, "this (Hoppa) is one big bird and I don't have a large enough roasting pan to cook him."

Finland's defense minister Joise Grubmipakoge said Finland considers the incident an "act of war and we just might invade somewhere." Grubmipakoge slammed his fist to a podium and said, "Whatever you do, you don't want to get a bunch of Finns pissed off."

Now this is the kind of war we could get used to.

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INDIA'S OLYMPIC SWIM COACH, "WATCH OUT IN BEIJING!"

Wurnotsobad, INDIA -- India's Olympic Swimming Team coach Kantel Patel yesterday told reporters, "Keep an eye open for the Indian team this summer."

"We are very much keen on grabbing gold in Beijing though many competitors laugh and say India, hah, they swim only in the holy waters of the Ganges," said a fiery Patel. Patel explained that there is one difference between this year's team and teams of the past. "This year we have one guy who knows how to swim," reassured Patel.

"True," he explained, "we've got age, wisdom, and we can do yoga like no one's business but we only have one guy who can get across the pool one time." Patel was referring to Rajesh Hashish, the lone hope of all of India for a gold medal. Hashish said that he was up for the challenge but the pressure of carrying the hopes of a billion people, "makes me want to stay in my room and smoke Hashish."

Patel ran a spirited practice yesterday and told his team, "If you learn how to swim I promise to buy really nifty Speedos with a nice flag on them." "Oh, that really got their juices going," Patel smiled.

Hashish (right foreground) prepares for his workout while his teammates sit around and wait for their Speedos to be delivered.

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ESPN'S BERMAN PROPOSES MARRIAGE TO BRETT FAVRE

Bristol, CT -- ESPN sportscaster/commentator/game show host/general loudmouth asshole Chris Berman surprised family members and the football community when he proposed to Green Bay Packers quarterback Brett Favre.

Berman long suspected of having sexual feelings for Favre, purchased a big, beautiful diamond at Zales Jewelers this weekend and stunned the unsuspecting QB. Favre said that he was flattered by the gesture but told Berman, "I'm already married." But that did not deter Berman, who cantankerous manner lately with co-workers, can only mean sexual frustration.

The not so popular football prognosticator has repeated his public adulation for Favre with such observations as:

However the tone of their relationship escalated to  a new crescendo this weekend when Berman presented Favre with the engagement ring. Favre, always the gentleman, thanked Berman for the offer but said very diplomatically, "Even if I was gay, I'd probably chose to have a relationship with someone from the Fox or NBC pre-game panel." "I mean," Favre added, "Oh that Jimmy Johnson hairdo just sends chills up my back."

Later, the crushed, disappointed Berman, humiliated and bitch-slapped an intern on the set of Sportscenter.

Please don't Brett. Not at this point. We know you won't."

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HANK STEINBRENNER TO RESTORE UNIVERSE TO ORDER

Atebiagator, FL --In one of his first announcements as his new role as principal leader of the New York Yankees, Hank Steinbrenner said, "My goal is to restore order to the universe."

Steinbrenner began a press conference on restoring order to the universe by first referring the the Red Sox Nation as a "bunch of shit." He said that "the whole idea of a Red Sox Nation was a creation of Red Sox and ESPN management that is filled with Red Sox fans."

The Yankee executive declared the entire universe is a Yankee universe. "If you go to another galaxy, and if there is any kind of life there, that life will probably be wearing Yankee gear as opposed to Red Sox gear," explained Steinbrenner. The younger Steinbrenner added, "If you think my father was an asshole, wait until you're around me for a few minutes."

However, Steinbrenner was unclear exactly how he would restore order to the universe. "I think we should just fire God and start all over." He defended his decision to get rid of God by saying, "We've given God lots of time to prove himself and year in and year out, he just continues to under-perform." Steinbrenner confidently approached the firing saying, "It might take a few years to rebuild but with new management sometimes you inherit a mess and you have to clean house."

God's agent Scott Boras said, "God has plenty of offers to start other universes and we'll looking at all of our options."  Boras explained that, "God is a professional. He understands this is just business. He's going to pick up and create something new in seven days or so."

God said, "I learned a few lessons with this universe and you can bet your ass, next time when I mess with the concept of color, they'll be no such thing as 'Yankee blue.'"  "And," he spoke with authority, "they'll be no Steinbrenners."

God smiled and said, "You think you're in an recession now? Just wait."

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MLB HIRES KEITH RICHARDS AS DRUG CHIEF

Kingston, Jamaica -- Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig announced today an aggressive education program aimed at baseball players in the aftermath of the Congressional inquiry into steroid abuse.

Selig said, "The time is now to clean up this sport and we're going to have to be diligent and creative." The commish added, "It's bad enough that people hate baseball because it puts you to sleep but now people just hate us because of all the lying, cheatin' asshole players we have being paraded in front of the Senate."

As part of Selig's new stategy, Rolling Stones guitarist and drug expert, Keith Richards has been hired to handle all drug enforcement and education for professional baseball. "I'm kind of really f***ed up at the moment," Richards commented, "but even when I'm strung out on heroin, baseball looks a hundred times more boring than cricket." "And," he chuckled, "Cricket was the whole reason for drug abuse to begin with."

Richards said his approach is basically simple. "Basically, if it's anything from the Periodic Table, I shoot it into my veins." He added," If I wake up and regain consciousness, then I do it all over again." Richards swears by his approach saying, "It has served me very well over the years and the Stones continue to make money. I think I can bring this same enthusiasm to baseball."

Keith Richards being introduced as the new MLB drug czar.

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TENNIS PLAYER KICKED OUT OF CLUB FOR GRUNTING

Melbourne, Australia -- A 9-year-old female tennis player was banned yesterday from her tennis club for grunting while playing tennis.

Young Lindsay Emerson was told by club officials to "get the hell out of our club because everyone is tired of hearing you grunt." Emerson is devastated and her father, Ralph Waldo promises to take legal action. Mr. Emerson explained that the Emersons were by tradition, farmers, and that several generations back some family members inter-married with pigs. "Grunting is in our genes for God's sake. It's as a natural to us as farting," he explained.

The suspension called attention the prevalence of grunting on the professional tennis circuit. Maria Sharapova grunts, as does Monica Seles, and Venus Willaims. Several players grunt and fart, while several just fart, and some grunt, fart, moan, and burp.

Lindsay said through tears, "I'm part pig and sounds come out of me that I can't control. I just want to be a normal little girl. Can't anyone see that?"

Tennis club officials said they would reconsider the suspension if the Emerson family duct-taped Lindsay's mouth before every match. Duncan Shiekman, club president said, "There are just so many uses for duct tape that I continue to be amazed."

Long-time tennis expert and commentator Russell Baldry said, "I think we're going into uncharted waters with the duct-tape solution. I feel as though if you Lindsay can't grunt through her mouth, that energy will be released as a massive fart and that's not good for tennis and that's not good for Australia."

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ALABAMA COACH SABAN OPTIMISTIC ABOUT TEAM'S CRIME SPREE

Tuscaloosa, AL -- Alabama football coach Nick Saban remains upbeat even as his players off-the-field legal woes pile up.

Several players were arrested in the last week including one player robbing two students at gunpoint and another pushing a security guard to the ground. With spring practice beginning next week, Saban thinks these problems "only help to build team cohesiveness."

"I always preach to my players, if you're going to rob someone at gunpoint, don't get caught," said Saban. "But these kids are young, they'll only get better as they mature. I'm hoping that the next time one of my players decides to rob someone at gunpoint that they do it more discreetly, in the dark, in an alley."

Saban insists, "Our players have to exercise better judgement, better discipline. Like if you push a security guard to the ground, finish the damn job. Knock the son of bitch unconscious so he won't remember you when he wakes up, if ever." "But," he added, "this is why they're kids and this is why they're here at the University, to learn."

Saban is confident that a team of convicted felons "can do some damage in the SEC." He insists that movies like "The Longest Yard," prove that "crime and football go together like mustard and hot dogs."

University trustees are considering dropping the "son" in Crimson and replacing it with an "e".

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KELVIN SAMPSON WORE WIRE TO COOPERATE WITH NCAA

Bloomington, IN -- Former Indiana University basketball coach Kelvin Sampson admitted on Monday that he wore a "wire" for the last year as an undercover operative for the NCAA.

Sampson was used by the organization as part of an investigation looking into "just what the hell a Hoosier is?" NCAA President and former IU President Myles Brand explained that "for years no one knew what a Hoosier is or was and anyone who knew wasn't telling." Brand said it was embarassing for him, the University President, whenever people would ask him, "What the hell is a Hoosier?" The pressure built up on Brand after the movie "Hoosiers" became a mega-success. "People began to think a Hoosier was Gene Hackman, who played the Hoosiers coach and kept saying to everyone, "Don't forget that you're a Hoosier." Later in the movie, crazy actor Dennis Hopper, who plays an incoherent  drunk mumbles something but he's too drunk and no one could figure out what he was saying but many people think he was asking, "What's a Hoosier?"

What Sampson was able to discover soon made him dangerous and then he had to be fired. Sampson found out that Hoosier might have developed out of a greeting during early frontier days.  When approaching someone's cabin, you shouted from afar, "Hello the cabin!" to avoid being shot. The inhabitants would then shout back "Who'sh'ere?"(Who's there?) And over time, the country folk just slurred it to "Hoosier?" It was also revealed that whenever natives brawled and fought, they would bit each other's ears during the fight and the expression, "Whose ear?" was common enough to stick. The made Sampson conclude that "Mike Tyson is the state's favorite son." The bottom line said Sampson, "is these folks can't talk right and if you piss'em off they'll bite you ear off."

The University has agreed to pay off Sampson in the amount of $750,000 if "he'll just go away and keep the ear biting thing quiet."

Here's a picture of the lovable IU singing group, the "Singing Hoosiers" who like to sing as they bite you ear off.

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WOMEN'S ARM WRESTLING FILLS VOID

Marcus Hook, PA -- Nothing much happened in the sports world yesterday. No one was raped, murdered, or committed any lewd acts in a strip club.

The Patriots are finished so there was no illegal taping going on. Brian McNamee didn't come out of his house yesterday nor did former NBA referee, Tim Donaghy. Kobe Bryant actually likes his team now. Some Russian guy named Vladamir won a fight without throwing a punch. Evidently his vodka breath was enough to knock out his opponent. Baseball is about to begin so fasten your seatbelts for that excitement.

So really the only interesting thing to happen in sports yesterday was that Barbara (Turd) Braddock defeated Gloria "Goth Gal" Fishbine in an arm wrestling tournament at Rick's Lounge in Marcus Hook, PA. It wasn't much of a contest. Turd outweighed her opponent by a good 250 lbs. Afterwards Turd's boyfriend, Dexter, asked her to marry him. She was so excited she threw Dexter against the wall, fractured his skull, which led to his eventual death.

Barbara "Turd" Braddock putting the finishing touches on Gloria "Goth Gal" Fishbine.

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FTT SYNDROME EFFECTS THOUSANDS OF WRESTLERS

Atlanta, GA -- The National Institute of Health issued a safety warning yesterday to all wrestlers involved in the sport.

"FTT" (Face to Testicle) Syndrome effects thousands of male wrestlers each year but according to doctors the condition is now at epidemic proportion. Dr. Harvey Rimshot explained that the condition often goes underreported due the fact that "men don't want to disclose they've been traumatized by a testicle or pair of testicles."

Rimshot explained that due to the close personal nature of wrestling, there are many close encounters of face to testicle. He said, "Imagine absolutely no distance between your face and a pair of testicles." "What does one do?" asked Rimshot.

Wrestler Toby Tillman said that he was face to face with a pair of testicles and "I will never in my life forget it." Tillman said, "I could have easily bit them but then people would call me like Mike Tyson or something." Long time wrestling referee Skunky McPeak said, "There is a temptation when face to testicle to bit your way out of the hold but that's gonna cost you points."

McPeak added, "Most wrestlers would rather deny that the contact has taken place and move the match forward. Dwelling on the testicular contact can be devasting to some but invigorating to others, it's a matter of orientation."

The question that arises is, does this contact imply a commitment of some sorts?

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GARY SHEFFIELD CALLS SCOTT BORAS "A BAD PERSON"

Lakeland, FL --Gary Sheffield, long known as an astute observer of people, declared yesterday that his former agent, Scott Boras, is a "bad person," for going after money that the Tiger All-Star says, "he ain't gettin.'"

The dispute is a result of a $39 million, three year contract that Sheffield signed in 2003 with the New York Yankees. Sheffield declined to comment specifically on the specifics of his disagreement with Boras but specifically he said that "specifically, this dude is a bad person, in fact let's raise that to specifically this dude is a mother f***er." He added, "Other than that I have no comment."

Boras declined to respond saying only, "I'm not going to comment on Gary's comments." Sheffield responded by saying, "I'm not going to comment on his not commenting on my comments." Boras said, "Then that really doesn't require a comment on my part does it?" Sheffield said, "If he doesn't know it's his turn not to comment, then I've got no comment." "But," Sheffield said, "He's still an evil mother f***er."

Sheffield's family released a statement saying, "Though rumors abound that Gary is psychotic, we have no comment." Agent Drew Rosenhaus said, "Jees, somebody besides me got called an evil mother f***er? Terrell Owens has no comment."

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THOUSANDS SUE DUKE FOR EMOTIONAL DISTRESS

Durham, NC -- What began as a lawsuit by more than three dozen former Duke lacrosse players against the University, has grown exponentially over the last week.

Earlier this week several former unindicted lacrosse players claimed in a lawsuit that they suffered emotional distress during the furor over the now-discredited rape case against three of their teammates. But soon after the suit was announced, players and Duke alumni came forward saying that they experienced emotional distress being associated with the school.

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TIKI BARBER'S LIFE SPIRALS OUT OF CONTROL

Tel Aviv, Israel -- The second guessing by critics about whether or not Tiki Barber made a critical mistake retiring early from the NFL continues. His decision to retire from the New York Giants after the 2006 season has been debated and analyzed even more carefully now that the Giants are the new Super Bowl Champions.

Barber maintains publicly it was the right decision but friends close to the former running back say things are not what they appear. One relative said, "He couldn't even get a Super Bowl hat from the team." Sadly, Giants' coach Tom Coughlin locked out Barber from any post-game celebration and the NYPD refused to let him watch the post-game parade.