Lester
shortly after being pulled over.
Amazingly,
New Jersey state police cars can pursuit up to 225 MPH.
What was he thinking?
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May 2006
Jockweb Exclusive Interview With Barbaro CREEPY, WEIRD TALL GUY CAPTURED BY POLICE Boston, MA -- A really creepy, tall guy with a moustache was captured by police outside of Boston's Fenway Park yesterday before the Red Sox game. The man, whose name is being withheld by authorities, has been seen walking around the stadium on stilts, wearing a old baseball uniform and generally, "weirding everybody out." Police say that people that walk on stilts and wear fake moustaches are not necessarily criminals but for the general public well being, they should be removed from the public eye. "Who knows, he could be the Boston Strangler though the only thing he'd be able to strangle would be a giraffe," said bystander Albert DeSalvo. Police inspector Bob McVee said something in a thick accent that no one except a Bostonian could understand. We think he said, "Where did I paaaked the f#$%ing kaaaar?" The tall man did not resist arrest though an extra long paddy wagon was brought in to take him into custody. He was later released from jail and told that he must relocate to Cleveland.
The weird, creepy tall guy trying to scalp oversized tickets. BREAKING NEWS: JOKER KIDNAPS THE PRESIDENT; BATMAN SUMMONED GOTHAM, NY - Our worst fears have been realized as the villainous Joker has kidnapped President George W. Bush and his 2 daughters. Police Commissioner Maxwell Gordon has ordered the lighting of the Bat signal, used to call upon Batman to solve such crimes. Typically crimes are handled by Chief Morton O'Hara, but the drunken law enforcement officer has been deemed no match for the likes of the Joker. The Joker was previously best known for breaking into Gotham bank and stealing thousand of dollars in loot. He was apprehended by Batman and placed in jail. No word on how he keeps getting out. Though the Joker has yet to release a statement, spokesman and long-time friend Egghead told Jockweb exclusively that the kidnapping is "egg-sactly" what he would have done if given the chance.
KIDS ART CONTEST FAILS TO RECEIVE PASSING GRADES Click here for story in KidzKorner... SALE OF TERRELL OWENS VIA EBAY COMPLETE IRVING, TX - Jerry Jones announced that the purchase of Terrell Owens from EBAY is complete. Terms were not disclosed, though Jones confirmed that compensation to the Eagles was done via Paypal.
PIRATES UNVEIL NEW UNIFORMS Pittsburgh, PA -- There hasn't been much to cheer about the Pittsburgh Pirates this year but team management thinks they have something that will breathe new life into the franchise. "We're going business casual," said PR director Milt Muldoon. The Pirates wore their new uniforms yesterday in a 5-4 loss to the Astros. "We may have lost the game," added Muldoon, "but we won the war on fashion." Pirate players wore clean pressed blue oxford cloth shirts with smart looking sleeveless sweaters. Players had their choice between khakis or nice jeans. For footwear, everyone agreed on tassled loafers. Pitcher Eric Pilferer commented, "A lot of times on the mound, I don't feel myself in a sartorial way. But today, I had the confidence that I looked my best. And I think the fans are going to relate to us as friends." Astros manager Phil Garner commented, "It was evident that Pittsburgh is on to something. Why not just play the game and then be dressed for a nice dinner? I think our players really felt overdressed for the occasion."
Pirates shortstop Melvin Morris shows off the new Pirate uniform. FROM THE JOCKWEB INTER-OFFICE COMMUNICATIONS DEPARTMENT
Larry Dietzl, your mother says hello! BENCH PLAYERS ENTER REHAB CLINIC College Park, MD -- Several non-starters from the NCAA championship team entered a local drug and alcohol rehabilitation center citing team membership as the underlying cause of their addiction. Holly McCredie is one of several bench players from the University of Maryland women's basketball team who won the female National Championship in March. However, Holly and several of her teammates never saw action. "I logged a grand total of one minute and thirty eight seconds," said McCredie. She explained that several of the team's reserves became bored with bench warming and started "smoking weed and doing shots at the end of the bench." "We had plenty of time to get high," continued McCredie, "and by the middle of the season, the coach didn't remember our names." The girls added that pretty soon they were drinking in the training room while getting their ankles taped. Addiction specialists say that alcohol and drug abuse is highest among non-starters. "Sitting on the bench game in and game out is the coach's way of saying, 'you basically suck and you're just here because we need enough players for practice,' " says counselor Laverne Swally. "Non-starters would rather get drunk and have fun than hear all that 'even you practice players are an important part of the team' bullshit."
Maryland non-starters photographed during a pre-game meal. GOLF TEAM HAZING VICTIM RECOUNTS NIGHTMARE Myrtle Beach, SC -- A member of the Myrtle Beach State golf team told police that he was forced to endure a week of humiliation as part of the golf team's initiation rite. Freshman Larry Fodie said that he was repeatedly hit with a "Big Bertha" while team members tried driving his head in a longest drive contest. "I really want to make the golf team so I put up with it. It was sort of like my head went through a round at Pebble Beach." Myrtle Beach upperclassmen deny that the hazing ritual is anything more than harmless fun. "Not only did we give Larry a helmet, all of our handicaps came down." "No one knows fully the extent of golf team hazing," said NCAA spokesperson Sid Strange. "All that we know is that there is a disturbing underground surrounding college golf." Several golfers have anonymously came forward telling tales of how they were forced to engage in deviant acts with golf balls and Ping putters. "Let's put it this way," one student said, "I'll have to run the balls through the ball washer."
Fodie right before he was driven 300+ yards. GOLFER MICKELSON HAVING AFFAIR WITH INTERN? Phoenix, AZ -- Master's Champion Phil Mickelson strongly denied allegations that he has been carrying on an illicit relationship with a 23-year old PGA intern. The intern Mona Lewis (shown below behind Mickelson's wife) has been working briefly for the PGA performing light clerical duties and copying. She met Mickelson at the Masters and according to her, the two immediately were attracted to each other. Lewis said, "I know people might say Phillie has a sinister grin and is really creepy looking but oh, the things he can do with a wedge." Mickelson emphatically denied that he had any relationship with Lewis. At a press conference Mickelson looked straight into the camera and said, "I have never had any sexual relations with that women. I've got a trophy wife for God's sake, a women that most men salivate for. What kind of greedy bastard do you think I am?" Lewis insists that the two had a physical relationship on several holes at Augusta National. Lewis said that Mickelson gave her his headcover just to remember their relationship.
NASCAR WANTS TALIBAN LIKE COVER FOR WOMEN DRIVERS Indianapolis, IN -- Reacting to criticism from veteran driver Richard Petty, NASCAR has agreed to force women to cover their faces at all racing events. Petty, a longtime critic of women racing cars said, "It's high time we cracked down on these bimbos." For years Petty has maintained that women don't belong on the racetrack and the sport would be best served if "the girls just stayed home and fried chicken." A Taliban spokesperson said, "We don't even have indoor plumbing and you've got these great racecars. Where's the justice in that?" Under the new rules, female drivers must drive behind the men by 10 feet at all times and can only be seen naked by her pit crew. Women's group have protested loudly. National Association of Women President Flo Morris said that her group was planning a 100 car caravan to arrive at Indianapolis this weekend for a massive rally. "Unfortunately there was a major pile up with all of those women drivers, so we're probably going to be late. Do you think they'll wait for us?" Driver Danika Al-Hunani Patrinai was not allowed to comment.
ENGLISH TRY TO STOP SOCCER HOOLIGANS London, England -- Some 3,500 known English soccer hooligans will be stopped from going to the World Cup, Sports Minister Richard Caborn said on Thursday. Over the past several years, Britain's security organizations have compiled a list of people who could pose a threat at the tournament in Germany. Known hooligans will be stopped at border points. Caborn said, "Instead of going to a soccer game, we're taking the hooligans to a Boy George concert." Boy George, formerly of the musical group, "Culture Club" will sing some of his big hits including, "Do You Really Want to Hurt Me?" "I'm looking forward to giving 3,500 anti-social maniacs the show of their life," said the singer. Caborn said the assumption would be that most hooligans might really like to hurt a singer who sometimes dresses in women's clothes. "It's good, clean wholesome entertainment for the whole family and a healthy outlet for the hooligans," added Caborn.
MISSING COACH MYSTERY SOLVED Chapel Hill, NC -- Police finally closed in on the killer of SMU basketball coach Matt Doherty. Doherty, the former UNC and Notre Dame coach had been reported missing for the past several weeks. But the trail led back to Chapel Hill where junior, Louie Lantazo admitted eating the coach. "With a little Ragu sauce, he was pretty tasty," said Lantazo as he was led away in handcuffs. Lantazo told police that he joined a underground fraternity that participates in cannibalistic rituals. Police chief Willie Raython said, "No one in Chapel Hill had much time for Matt Doherty, but that doesn't mean we wanted someone to eat him." If convicted of eating Doherty, Lantazo could face up to five years in prison with no antacid. Raython added, "And Doherty was a big guy so Louie is bound to have some indigestion." UNC officials said they would outlaw all underground fraternities that engaged in cannibalistic ritual eating of people. The chancellor's office released a statement saying, "We don't condone the eating of former coaches no matter how much we don't like them and we will not permit zombie like behavior among our undergraduates." An SMU spokesperson said, "We'll establish a search committee and name a new coach right away."
WORLD'S UGLIEST CHEERLEADER SIGNS LETTER OF INTENT College Park, MD -- Gigi Harman, who some have called the 'world's ugliest cheerleader,' ended months of speculation and signed a letter of intent to attend the University of Maryland. Harman performed a few routines for reporters yesterday at the University and posed for photographs. "This is just proof that you can have some really bad DNA and still become a cheerleader," said Harman. She said cheering for Maryland will fulfill a lifelong dream. "I've always sort of looked and acted like a turtle and now I'll actually be one." Hazel Harman, Gigi's mother, said, "You know if we lived in China there would be forced sterilization and in retrospect that might not have been a bad thing in this case. But Gigi will cheer the ears off a dog." Maryland cheerleading coach Biff Bartles commented, "It's not everyday a Gigi Harman comes your way. If you can get the 'world's' anything, you grab it."
Harman modeling the new Terps cheerleading uniform. JEB BUSH DECLINES OFFER TO BE NFL COMMISSIONER, SAYS "MY BROTHER CAN PROBABLY DO IT" Tallahassee, FL -- Gov. Jeb Bush of Florida declined the NFL overtures to him to replace outgoing commissioner Paul Tagliabue. "Though I'd probably get a lot of free NFL gear if I was commissioner I'm going to be really busy in 2007," said Bush referring to the fact that he's been appointed to organize the 2007 Bush family golf outing. "Organizing a golf outing is a tough job that requires all of my intelligence and energy, however, my brother might be interested," Bush added. President George Bush asked in a press conference, "Do you think I'd have a shot? You know I did run a baseball team into the ground?" Political observers say that it might be a good move on
the President's part to take the NFL job. "I think his approval ratings would go
through the roof if he left the presidency for the NFL," said Dick Holman of the
Ball Street Journal. "And he'd get a lot of free NFL gear if he was
commissioner. Jeb Bush to NFL, "Take my brother, please!" CONSPIRACY THEORIES ABOUND ON BARBARO'S INJURY Pimilico, MD -- As Kentucky Derby winner Barbaro recovers from a compound fracture to his leg, multiple conspiracy theorists have come forward alleging that the injury was the intentional act. Many have suggested that there are many people who had a major stake in preventing Barbaro from winning the Triple Crown. Author Dan Brown, whose DaVinci Code is now a major motion picture, believes that a secret organization of Catholic horses wanted Barbaro dead. "My research shows that Barbaro is a direct descendent of Mitzi, the horse that Mary Magdalen rode," explained Brown. "If it got out that Barbaro is connected to Mary Magdalen it could invalidate the whole Catholic horse thing." Geraldo Rivera, who has his own problems with people trying to kill him, suggested that Jeff Gilhooley, the former boyfriend of Tonya Harding may be responsible. "If you look at Barbaro and you look at Tonya Harding, it's easy to see where Gilhooley got them mixed up and broke Barbaro's leg thinking he was breaking Tonya's leg," said Rivera. Jockweb will continue to provide in-depth coverage of this story as it evolves in the next few weeks.
BUCKEYES STRUGGLE TO RECRUIT Columbus, OH -- The Ohio State Buckeyes ended spring training with some serious concerns about team depth going into next season. "Honestly, with all the scandals we've had, it's been tough to get those really premier recruits," said coach Jim Tressel. "Let's face it the really good players are getting arrested and going straight to jail." Tressel laments the fact that "in addition to the fact that most of our good recruits can't read or write, the NCAA and the media seem to pick on us, making recruiting even tougher." However, Tressel is putting a lot of stock in Melissa Stockman, who has won the starting job at fullback. "Melissa has decent speed and can block and most importantly, she's got that Buckeye attitude. And the really good news is she has no felonies on her record!" Stockman says that she's really looking forward to her first year in the Big Ten but commented, "You know if you count all the schools, there are really eleven. Why don't they call it the Big Eleven?"
JOE PA FOUND WANDERING AROUND BEAVER STADIUM State College, PA -- Legendary coach Penn State coach Joe Paterno was found wandering around Beaver Stadium waiting for kickoff. "I think we're a lot deeper than we were last year. This kid Franco Harris is gonna step in and play right away," Paterno mumbled. Paterno blew a whistle repeatedly and asked several times, "Do I have to go to bed now?" When told that he was still head coach and that the fall season was still months away, Paterno removed his teeth and asked for chocolate pudding. Several spectators played along with Paterno as he walked the sidelines thinking he was coaching the 1983 Sugar Bowl. During the game, several calls went against Penn State and Paterno punched out three officials. After the game, Paterno punched someone else saying, "We can never get a call when we're up against Bear Bryant!"
COLLEGE MASCOTS ENTER TWELVE STEP PROGRAM New York, NY -- College mascots from several universities will finally get the help they need. The NCAA is reaching out to help stem the epidemic of substance abuse among the mascot population. "It's out of control," said NCAA president Myles Brand. "No one understands the stresses and strains on a college mascot. These students have become not only the mascot but mascot dependent. These are people in need our help and understanding." The mascots have gathered at the Wally Ford Clinic where they'll begin a six week treatment program aimed at helping these young folks regain control of their lives. "Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror," explained the Notre Dame mascot, "and I say who am I kidding? I'm not a leprechaun. I'm not even short and people are always asking me to grant their three wishes. It's a lot of pressure." The Colorado Buffalo said that he was recovering from a sexual assault from a whole herd. "Why am I hanging around with horny buffaloes? Could it be that I'm just an attractive buffalo?" Dr. Georges Lozakis explained, "The goal of the treatment is to have all of the mascots will work through these identity issues and stop parading around in their uniforms like ridiculous cartoon characters. They need to get back to being real people."
FORMER GM CASSERLY FOUND IN NJ LANDFILL Seacaucas, NJ -- Former Houston Texan General Manager Charlie Casserly was found in a New Jersey landfill, tied and bound but fortunately still breathing. Casserly, who passed up on USC running back Reggie Bush for defensive player Mario Williams, was left in the landfill by police. Police spokesperson Harvey Greenblatt said, "He deserves to slowly decay in New Jersey for passing up on Reggie. It doesn't matter if the Texans need defense. You don't pass up on a once in a lifetime runner like Bush." Texans owner Bob McNair denied having anything to do with Casserly's disappearance. "To tell you the truth, we've got some fine landfills in Texas. Why does everyone insist on dumping people in New Jersey?" Former New Jersey governor Jim McGreevey took issue with McNair's slight saying, "Not only have we got the best places to dump bodies, we got some really cute guys on the state payroll." Casserly, who was bound and gagged, could only say, "mmmmmmmmmm!"
WINTER OLYMPIANS VISIT WHITE HOUSE, END UP IN IRAQ Washington, DC -- President Bush welcomed "dudes and dudesses" from the U. S. Winter Olympic team in a White House ceremony that included a most unusual twist. "I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you're all going to Iraq," the President told the surprise audience. "The Winter Olympics really suck, and you've wasted a lot of this country's money. So it's time for you to go to war and do something useful with your lives." About 190 Olympians and Para-olympians from the Torino games gathered on the sunny lawn for the traditional post-Olympic visit, where the President offered his praise as he mispronounced Torino, "Toronto." He told the athletes gathered, "We're having a bitch of a time finding people to go to war so I'd appreciate it if you all help me out here. We'll even give you jackets with your names on them." Each participants received a U.S. Army jacket with their names and the Olympic rings monogramed on it. "Christ, mabye you win a few battles cause you certainly didn't win too many medals," Bush chuckled. CATHOLIC UNIVERSITY WOMEN'S LACROSSE INVOLVED IN HAZING SCANDAL Washington, DC -- The Catholic University of America is investigating allegations that several women from the varsity lacrosse team have been hazing their teammates. Athletic director Sparky O'Hearn said that several women lacrosse players were forced to dress as 15th century nuns and spend a week in a cloistered convent saying rosaries in Latin. "Despite the fact that there is little difference between the 15th and 21st century nuns, these women were clearly traumatized." The players were forced to wear 'funky' nun hats, scrub floors, and abstain from meat. Sophomore Wendy Waller said, "The good news is that we were allowed to teach elementary school and beat the shit out of little kids with a ruler." O'Hearn commented that Catholic University "sucks in all sports because Notre Dame, Georgetown, and Boston College take all the good athletic Catholics."
BARBARO REQUEST JELL-O AFTER SURGERY Kennett Square, PA -- Kentucky Derby winner Barbaro is recovering from leg surgery after suffering from multiple fractures at the Preakness on Saturday at Pimilico Race Course. Barbaro walked back to his stall on four legs after the surgery. Doctors said the surgery was difficult and that the horse still has a long way to go but observers were happy the way the horse came through the operation. Afterwards Barbaro requested lime jell-o in the recovery room. "Like most patients in the hospital, we just load them up with jell-o after surgery and that seems to do the trick," said the on-duty nurse. "However, with this horse, he ate 32 gallons of the stuff. We were hustling all over the place boiling the water, mixing the jell-o, getting enough refrigerator space." The nurse added, "And you should try emptying his bed
pan." Eight nurses struggled to empty Barbaro's bedpan which is the size of a
cement mixer.
REGGIE BUSH DENIED REQUEST FOR NUMBER New Orleans, LA -- The NFL has denied Reggie Bush's request to wear No. 5 this upcoming season. Bush wore No. 5 in high school and at the University of Southern California. However, under current rules running backs are only allowed to wear numbers 20 through 49. In order for Bush to wear No. 5, the numbering rules would have to be changed by a national election. NFL spokesperson Greg Aiello said the Bush is being "a big baby about the whole thing. Kerry Collins wore No. 5 for the Saints and you'd think Reggie would respect the fans' memory." Reebok has already printed a million Saints jerseys with No. 5 and Bush's name. "We're screwed, " said Reebok Vice President Ed Fuchs. "Do you know anyone who wants to buy some Reebok stock real cheap?" The NFL suggested the Bush consider No. 25. "If you take the square root of 25 you get 5," said Aiello. "And we don't have any problems with the square root sign on the jersey." Bush's agent said he fears that the U.S. trails behind most of the developed world in math abilities. "We could see square root jerseys in Japan, but here, I don't think there's too many people could get solve square root problems on jerseys."
So Daunte Culpepper would be No. 122? GUNMEN DEMAND CHAMPION LEAGUE TICKETS Paris -- Two masked gunmen burst into a suburban city hall, demanding tickets for the Champions League soccer final, holding several people hostage. The men broke into a meeting of elected officials in Saint-Denis. "People with guns and masks who want tickets are pretty big fans," said Vice Mayor Stephanie Prive. Ticket prices have reached $2,580 on the black market but with their guns drawn, the gunmen hoped to get them a little cheaper. The gunmen had heard a rumor that the Mayor had some extra tickets that he planned to give away to some political associates. They forced everyone to the floor until the mayor returned to the room. Unfortunately, the gunmen were mistaken. The Mayor did have some extra tickets but they were for the Philadelphia-Denver Arena Football playoff. Upon hearing about their mix up, the gunmen turned the guns on themselves and shot themselves in the feet. Later upon capture, one gunmen said, "Had they been tickets for NFL Europe we would have shot ourselves in the heads."
FCC FINES METS FOR OBSCENITY New York, NY -- The Federal Communications Commission levied a $250 fine against the New York Mets for obscene conduct during a game last week against the Philadelphia Phillies. It started in the bottom to the 7th when Met player Julio Ceasar Chavez Luiz Gonzales-Ruiz struck out with men on second and third, with two outs. Gonzales-Ruiz took a high inside fastball for a questionable third strike. He immediately lost his temper and argued with the umpire. Since the umpire spoke no Spanish, Gonzales-Ruiz got away with a lot of cursing and was not thrown from the game. In the 8th inning, Gonzales-Ruiz gave 'the finger' to ump Jesse Helmstead throughout the inning. Since the game was televised, the FCC obscenity rules were in place. FCC spokesperson Bernard Herrmmanns said, "He knows just the right amount of English to get him in trouble with the FCC. The game was on in prime time and young impressionable kids are learning from these role models. My little daughter was watching the game and gave me the finger when I asked her to go to bed." Gonzales-Ruiz said something but our Spanish is pretty bad. If he had counted to ten we could have translated but he was speaking so damn fast, we couldn't figure out anything.
STUDY LOOKS INTO ASS SATISFACTION Washington, DC -- A study released by the National Institute for Anatomy and Vanity looked at women and their feeling towards their asses. 75% of the women surveyed think their ass is too fat. 10% of the women think their ass is too skinny. The other 15% say that they don't care, they love him, he's a good man and they would have married him anyway. (submitted by JR, Thanks!) Jockweb Staff Reporter Denies Accusation of Misogyny
The accusations stem from articles he has written with titles such as 'All Women Are Bitches', and 'I Really Hate Women'. Groups such as Up With Women and The Woman's Advocacy Group (WAG) have attacked McDonger and Jockweb as having an anti-woman stance. McDonger has taken the opportunity to address the
issues. In a statement McDonger released thru Jockweb, he states that he is
most certainly not a misogynist. "I am willing to rub someone's shoulders if
they ask nicely, but I will not give a full misogyny." While McDonger insists
he certainly does not hate women, he adds that he's certain no one really likes
them. BIG UNIT BATTLES AGE AND CONSTIPATION New York, NY -- Yankee pitcher Randy Johnson disclosed today that his game has been lacking due to the fact that age has finally caught up with him. "The bottom line is," Johnson whispered, "is that I'm in the battle of my life with irregularity." Johnson told Jockweb that he has tried a high fiber diet as well as several over the counter laxatives but nothing seems to work. "I'm flat out irritable and I have no hard slider." Yankee owner George Steinbrenner said, "I'll not tolerate constipation in the Yankee rotation. Randy is just going to have to focus and get the job done." Steinbrenner added that there will be movement within the organization regardless if there is movement in Johnson. "Bowel problems aren't going to stop us from winning a world championship. I mean it, Randy will have to shit or get off the pot." Johnson said that he can feel himself pressing and the secret is, "to learn to relax." He added, "It's all in my head and now I've got to get rid of this block."
HOLMGRENS REFUSED ADMITTANCE TO DISNEY WORLD Orlando, FL -- Seattle Seahawks head coach Mike Holmgren and his wife were refused admission into the Walt Disney World theme park yesterday. "It's a rule," said Disney security chief Larry Beckman, "that losers in the Super Bowl are denied admission. Letting them in would kill a great marketing campaign." Holmgren was very disappointed and vowed to return to next years game and come away with the championship. "We drove all the way from Seattle and I was really looking forward to getting my autograph book filled with all the Disney character signatures," said the burly coach. Pittsburgh coach Bill Cowher commented, "That's just tough shit, we kicked his ass fair and square." Mr. and Mrs. Holmgren decided to drive down the road to Mel's Family Fun World. "It wasn't a total waste," explained Mrs. Holmgren. "Mikey wanted to get in the front seat of a roller coaster and Mel made sure that happened. And they made Mikey, birthday boy of the day, so it was worth the trip."
TEXAS TAKES OVER USC AS PART OF ROSE BOWL BET Los Angeles, CA -- The University of Southern California was renamed as the University of Texas West Coast as a result of a Rose Bowl bet between the college presidents. USC Provost Chrysostomas Max Nikias said that "my gambling got the better of me and I lost the University." Texas Provost Sheldon Ekland-Olson said that winning the National Championship was fun but winning a whole billion dollar university in a bet was "really cool." Witnesses say that it began as a friendly $5 dollar wager but both men started taunting each other as the game tightened. "Before I knew it, I put the school up in a bet," said Nikias. "I sort of feel bad about it but I think everyone will get used to it." Ekland-Olsen said that his first order of business is to change all the signs. "And we're going to re-name the buildings like Vince Young Hall and the George Bush Fieldhouse." Texas West Coast students have complained that "after two weeks of the takeover we're sick of barbecued ribs."
ENTREPRENEURIAL AUBURN STUDENTS START SUMMER BUSINESS Auburn, AL -- Three Auburn students are hoping that a nifty business idea will pocket them enough money for fall tuition. The three college juniors are hoping their "Shake The Bear's Hand" Road exhibit will pull in enough revenue to pay for next year's classes. Billy Ray Mason explained that the deceased skeleton of Alabama legend Paul 'Bear' Bryant' is sort of like a "traveling wax museum without the wax." Mason is convinced that there are enough people in Alabama willing to cough up $5 to shake the dead coach's hand. "He's not as intimidating today as he once was," said Randy Souter. "When he was alive he always had two state troopers protecting him and no one could get close to him. Now people can come right up and say, 'Hey Coach, how's it going?' " Several Crimson Tide fans have taken offense at the business model and have threatened to shoot the three Auburn students. Tide alumnus R.J. Timlin said, "It's like digging up Jesus and playing baseball with his bones. If they come close to Tuscaloosa, they will be shot."
NOWITZKI DREAMS OF "BAYWATCH" WHILE SHOOTING FREE THROWS Dallas, TX -- After helping Dallas beat San Antonio in two straight playoff games by sinking late game free throws, Dirk Nowitzki revealed the secret to his success. "I just try to relax and not think of the pressure of the moment," Nowitzki explained. "What I do when I'm on the foul line is think of Baywatch. I just see Pamela Anderson running in slow motion, and I stop thinking of the importance of the free throws." Sometimes Nowitzki hums David Hasselhoff's song, "Looking for Freedom." "It was a big hit when I was a boy in Germany and it's always in my head," Nowitzki added. Coach Avery Johnson immediately decided to use the Nowitzki relaxation techniques on the other Mavericks hoping to increase the team's free throw percentage. Johnson played video of the "Baywatch" vixens running toward the ocean in super slow motion. Johnson said that he was amazed how stiffness in one part of the body can make the rest of the body relax. "We'll see in Game 5 if Dirk is on to something."
GEORGIA STUDENTS PASS MASSIVE FRENCH EXAM Athens, GA -- In what can only be described as the world's largest academic examination in history, 18,000 students from the University of Georgia took their French final in the Bulldog Fieldhouse. Students had their bodies painted with random letters from the alphabet. After they received their letter, they were asked to translate and spell various words from English to French. L'Dawg, L'Cat, L'Horsey, L'MooMoo, L'Duckey, L'Hogey were several of the words on the exam. Students who spelled all of the words correctly received an A. "It was the most fun I've ever had at an exam," said sophomore Ray-Ray Dixey from Marietta. "We missed on cow and pig but I think we got all the others. I'm damn happy to get a C." School official were extremely happy with the testing procedures. "We sold tickets to get in, charged them for the paint, and saved a bunch on pens and paper," said Elmer Gladstone, the school's controller. "All in all, it was football type revenue. Just think, if they took all their clothes off, we could give'em their math exam."
MARION JONES RUNS AWAY FROM MOB Jalapa, Mexico-- After an 11-month absence from the track, Marion Jones ran an impressive 11.06 time in the 100 meter dash, the second fastest women's time of the season. "Believe me, I don't need steroids to run fast. When you committing bank fraud and laundering money, you've got enough people chasing you to run really fast," said the winded Jones. The 30-year old Jones has been hounded by doping allegations and her former boyfriend, Tim Montgomery has been charged with fraud. Her former husband, shot putter C.J. Hunter, retired form the sport after testing positive four times for steroids in 2000. Jones said, "I never took steroids. My problem is I got too many former boyfriends, husbands, and mob associates. When I run, I just pretend all my former problems are chasing me and I can motor. I don't even have to train. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go shave."
VIRGIN MARY TO FLUTIE, "ENOUGH ALREADY!" Foxboro, MA -- Doug Flutie retired from pro football yesterday, ending a 21-year career as a short, shifty quarterback. For years Flutie has defied football pundits with his unconventional style of quarterbacking. His decision was hastened by an appearance by the Blessed Virgin Mary. "She appeared to me at a supermarket parking lot," explained Flutie. "Basically she said she was sick and tired of 'Hail Marys.' " Flutie said that he had leaned on the Blessed Mother heavily to get where he was today. "She was with me in the '82 BC-Miami game and then pretty much stayed with me throughout my career. Usually, I could say a quick 'Hail Mary' and throw a touchdown." Flutie said that Mary was tired of people praying to her for "stupid sports stuff." "She said she gets a lot of prayers having to do with point spreads and she wished that people would start praying to her with some serious problems. She also told me she would totally unavailable for any football requests at all." The Blessed Virgin Mary did say, "if Ryan Leaf had prayed a few times, he still might be with the Cowboys."
ROY HORN AND TIGER RECONCILE Katmandu, Nepal -- Roy Horn, the Horn part of Siegfried and Roy, who miraculously survived a white tiger mauling, met with his attacker and forgave him. In the tearful reunion, Horn told the tiger that, "all is forgiven." The tiger was speechless as he put his paws around Horn and wept. The tiger was exiled to Nepal where he has lived in isolation for the past two years. The tiger community had shunned the big cat for attacking Roy Horn and generally spoiling a great Las Vegas gig. The agent for the tigers, Jackie Madden, explained, "As far as jobs go, if you're a tiger, Vegas is heaven. You could be in zoo where idiots taunt you all day but in Vegas you jump up on a few stools and get all the raw meat you can eat." Horn told Jockweb that he had been working with a priest to learn how to forgive. Horn told the tiger, "Don't worry about it, everyone makes a mistake at some time but if you pull a move like that again, I'll shoot your ass."
JOCKWEB READER SHARES BASEBALL CARD COLLECTION Jockweb reader Ray M graciously sent in his Barry Bonds rookie card. Ray says: "You can see from this card that Barry doesn't look too much different, so what's the big controversy? Okay, he might have put a few pounds on but don't forget, in the MLB, players are doing a lot of traveling. I don't know about you, but when I'm out to dinner a few nights in a row, eating rich food, I tend to put the pounds on. Barry travels a few times a week and I'm sure he's probably putting a little extra sour cream on that baked potato. And because he makes about 20 mil a year, he's not afraid to order off the dessert cart. I say, let's give Barry a break."
Thanks, Ray! DUKE WOMEN'S COACH COMES OUT OF CLOSET, "I'M A MAN!" Durham, NC -- As if the Duke athletic program didn't have enough problems with their recent lacrosse scandal, now it seems that the women's basketball coach has been keeping a secret. "I'm a man," said Gail Goestenkors, "and I've been a man all my life." Goestenkors recently guided the team the women's Final Four championship before bowing out to Maryland. But a strange incident occurred at the game forcing Goestenkors out of the closet. Ref Marty Manthorpe accidentally bumped into Goestenkors 'man-package' causing the coach to yelp, "Owww my balls!" "I was surprised," said Manthorpe. "A lot of these coaches could pass for either but until you give'em a shot in the nuts, you don't know for sure." Several of the Duke players overheard the interaction and then it became necessary for Goestenkors to come clean. "I've never felt better. It gets something out there that I've been carrying around for years. And wearing jockey shorts under a skirt isn't very comfortable."
PHILADELPHIA EAGLES DRAFT SKIER; COWBOYS SIGN BODIE Dallas, TX -- Not to be outdone by division rival, Philadelphia, Cowboys owner Jerry Jones went out yesterday and signed skier Bode Miller. After the Eagles took Colorado receiver and Olympic skier Jeremy Bloom in the 5th round of the NFL draft, Jones was said to be furious with his scouting staff. "How can they have a skier if we don't have a skier," said the angered Jones. "We're America's team and goddamnit I want a skier." Bloom has played football on the college level although he did take time off from the sport to prepared for the Olympics. "We like what we see," said Andy Reed. "Surprisingly on skies he does the 40 yd. dask in under 3 seconds. Admittedly, cutting off square routes might be difficult with those skies on but if we can get him the ball, I don't think many DB's are going to catch him, especially with snow on the ground." Jones on the other hand isn't worried that Miller has never played a down of football. "He's got those stupid Nike commercials where he says stupid things that Bode says BUT there going to be stupid things that Bode said with a Cowboys uniform on." Jones said the new Cowboy stadium will have moguls and a chair lift for the players to go from the endzone to the bench.
AMERICAN BASEBALL IDOL ENTERS SECOND SEASON Los Angeles, CA - Fox announced that American Baseball Idol, the extremely popular reality program, will enter it's second season. Thousand upon thousand of men and women will line up and compete for 'The Closer.' American Baseball Idol again will have their three quirky judges overseeing the mayhem and shanannigans which on a show that critics call the "the first fun anyone's every had playing baseball." Each week contestants pitch, bat, throw and are either voted to stay or go. In addition to baseball skills, contestants are judges on other baseball essential such as testicle scratching, chaw spitting, and sitting in a dugout with a beer gut. The winner of this year's contest will actually get to pitch the ninth inning of the 7th game of the World Series. Last year's winner, Muriel Sanderson, pitched for the Chicago White Sox in relief, allowing 15 hits and 5 home runs in 1/3 innings.
PROMISING PGA CAREER SNUFFED OUT EARLY LaJolla, CA -- Promising PGA golfer Tom Petson had his professional player's card revoked of conduct unbecoming of a PGA professional golfer. Petson, who many have called the next Phil Mickelson because of his annoying, evil looking smile, apparently inappropriately lifted the skirt of a female golfer with a wedge on the fifth hole of the Mesa Fasa Country Club. Petson was giving a playing lesson at the time. "I was standing, waiting to hit my ball, when I felt my skirt being lifted, and there was no wind," said Sandy Pellican. "I noticed that he preferred being behind me throughout the entire lesson," Pellican added. Petson defended himself explaining, "I was looking for my ball, plain and simple. I had shanked one earlier in Sandy's general direction. It was one of those really expensive Bridgestone balls. I hate losing one of them. And if the truth be told, Sandy said she had some obscure itch going on." A PGA spokesperson said this type of behavior will not be tolerated. "Why can't he just get drunk, coked up, and gamble like John Daly?"
JESUS FINALLY COMMITS TO PURDUE; SNUBS NOTRE DAME Lafayette, IN -- In a surprise turn of events, Jesus signed a letter of intent to Purdue University to play football, after earlier orally committing to Notre Dame. "We're thrilled," said Boilermakers coach Joe Tiller. "We think he can come in here right away and compete for some playing time." Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis expressed his disappointment saying, "I guess Jesus just ain't a man of his word. We had talked about red shirting him his first year so we could ensure that he'd be a four year starter but obviously he's a kid who wants what he wants right away." Jesus, who planned to major in Religious Studies at ND, will study Political Science at Purdue. "Frankly," Jesus said, "it's not about the academics, I just don't like Notre Dame fans. They are really sort of assholes." Tiller thinks that Purdue could be in line for a national championship. "For Christ's sake, we have Christ, and that means only one thing, miracles!"
JEFF GORDON'S GRANDSON WINS SOAPBOX DERBY; ACCUSED OF CHEATING Daytona Beach, FL -- The grandson of auto racing great Jeff Gordon won his boy scout troop's "Soapbox Derby" but not without controversy. Young Jeffrey Gordon blew away the competition by obtaining speeds of 215 mph. He completed the 1/4 mile race in 6 seconds. Troop leader Charlie Francona said, "I became suspicious when he arrived at the 'Derby' in a flame retardant suit." Fellow scout Timmy Ferkle finished second to Gordon. Ferkle car finished a full 1/4 mile behind Gordon. Ferkle's father Jerry said, "We had a good time making the car out of some scraps in the garage. Jeffrey on the other hand appears to have a much better garage. However, it seemed his car was a little loud for a Soapbox Derby." Ferkle lodged a complaint with the Boy Scouts of America saying that Gordon might have had a bit of extra help. The Boy Scouts responded by saying that they were sure no pedophiles assisted anyone on site. Lanny Smith, pit chief for little Jeffery, explained that for Jeffery's next race, we're thinking of replacing the Ford prototype with a new design from Honda. A Honda spokesperson explained, "Our goal is pure and simple, we want to dominate the Boy Scout racing circuit."
MARTINA NAVRATILOVA RETURNS HOME AFTER LOOKING FOR YEARS Czech Republic -- Tennis great Martina Navratilova returned to the Czech Republic after a 20 years absence from her homeland. "I sort of got lost," said Navratilova. "When I left it was Czechoslovakia and now there's only Czech. What the hell happened to the rest of the country?" Navratilova admitted that she was too busy working on her ground strokes and chasing bimbos to keep up with politics. "You're kidding?, she asked when told that the Soviet Union and all of it's former satellites no longer existed. "What about all those Communists? You're kidding, gone too? They were such good guys." Navratilova said she was concerned about all of the sweatsuits she had purchased with Czechoslovakia printed on them. "I've got a lot of sweatsuits for the goodwill bag. Now don't tell me there's a Yugo and Slavia!" CANADIAN PARLIAMENT REPLACES PLUMBER'S CRACK WITH LUGE CRACK Ottawa, Canada -- The Canadian Parliament debated to replace the traditional plumbers crack with the more attractive luge crack as the official National Crack of Canada. "For years we have looked to plumbers to lead us on the crack issue and they've obliged nicely," said M.P. Giles Ransome. "As Canadians, we appreciate looking at a good crack, whether it be from a plumber or just a thong. But the luge crack is a wonderful crack to behold." Plumbers throughout the country displayed the displeasure by pulling up their pants as a form of protest. "They taken our ass crack for granted for years," said Plumbers Union President Jack Lieber. "Lugers were very late comers in the crack game." Luger Pete Pismall defended the luge crack by saying, "The luge crack is a more aesthetic ass crack. In the luge crack the butt cheeks entirely seperate allowing a clean line right through the ass. The plumber's crack has always just giving a hint of ass below." Not all Canadians agree with their government on the ass crack. Guy Demosant of Quebec commented, "As French Canadians we're very proud of the Speedo crack that so compliments the Speedo bulge, and we'll bitterly contest this decision." Canadian Federation of Strippers President Silky O'Hare added, "It must be argued that the g-string crack is by far the most appealing and popular of all cracks." Parliament suspended debate indefinitely until the matter can be put on a national ballot. Canadians will vote on the crack issue this coming Fall.
MIKE HOLMGREN MOONLIGHTS AS HISTORICAL CHARACTERS Seattle, WA -- Seattle Seahawks head coach Mike Holmgren has always been a sort of history buff. "You know I used to teach high school social studies," explained Holmgren. Holmgren was seen yesterday appearing as a Ben Franklin impersonator at the Seattle Historical Society. "Truthfully, I need the money," said Holmgren about his appearance. "I get $200 every time I make an appearance. It's nice to have something to fall back on if I get fired." Holmgren appeared on stage with President Bush forcing President Bush to ask, "Are you really Ben Franklin?" Holmgren explained to the President that he was just an impersonator. And impersonator means someone who dresses up like someone else but in reality is really themselves with just a costume and some makeup. President Bush was extremely interested in this concept and asked Holmgren, "can you help me be someone else?" Holmgren told the President that historical impersonation is just for purposes of entertainment or helping bring history alive at elementary school assemblies. President Bush told Holmgren that his favorite historical character is "Ernest" from "all those Ernest movies." Bush asked Holmgren if he "would help him become Ernest?"
IRAN REVERSES DECISION ON WOMEN WATCHING SOCCER; HIRES HOOTIE JOHNSON Tehran, Iran -- The grand ayotullah of Iran Sohoeinei Kohomeinei reaffirmed the country's stance on not allowing women to view soccer games in public. This reversal in policy comes days after the Iranian president (it's a long name we can't spell and don't feel like looking it up) said that women would be allowed in stadiums to watch games if they were properly "fenced in." "Men shouldn't see women cheering," said Kohomeini. "It gets them all excited and the next thing you know they're gonna want Hooters girls serving beer and that'll be a big problem cause there are not enough Hooters girls for every guy in Iran." In a surprise move, Iran has hired former Augusta National President, Hootie Johnson, as director of stadium security. "Hootie's got the kind of track record that we need in Iran," explained Kohomeinei. "We'd like our soccer matches to mirror the Masters and Hootie's got the balls to stand up to bitches like Margaret Burk." Johnson released a statement saying, "I think I'm gonna like Tehran and have you seen their gas prices? $.87 a gallon is gonna be real easy to get use to."
HOCKEY REFEREE ACCUSED OF TAKING BRIBES AT GAY GAMES San Francisco, CA -- A hockey referee was accused of throwing a game in favor of one team yesterday at the annual Gay Games. Referee Scott Dilworth said the accusations were totally fabricated by the losing team. "I called a clean game and really, I'm a man that can't be bought," said Dilworth. "Really, I'm wealthy beyond imagination, what could anyone offer me to throw a game. The whole accusation is preposterous." Game officials say that they take allegations of game fixing very seriously. "If we think there is any merit to these charges, Mr. Dilworth will be stripped...and not be allowed to ref our games again."
ITALIAN OPEN LEADER DISAPPEARS AT NINTH HOLE Rome, Italy -- Tony Genovese, a relatively obscure golfer from Brooklyn, NY, was leading the Italian Open after three days. But officials feel something terrible befriended Tony at the 9th hole turn at yesterday's final round. Genovese, who Italian police said, "may or may not have connections with organized crime but with a name like that we like to stereotype," was leading Fredo Gambino by a mere two strokes. Police say that Genovese was last seen grabbing a snack at the 9th hole when witnesses say two men asked him to get into a golf cart. His caddy told police that Genovese had been given a coded message warning him not to make any birdies. Gambino, who police say, "may or may not have connections to organized crime but with a name like that we like to stereotype," denied he or any of his "family," which numbers in the hundreds, had anything to do with Genovese disappearance. Gambino said he was attending a "family meeting" at the time where his family was discussing how best to attack the back nine. Gambino went on to win the tournament and the 20,000,000,000 lira (about $650) first prize. Genovese was later found in a landfill on the outskirts of Rome with a Titleist stuffed in his mouth.
HANG ON TO YOUR HATS, THE WORLD BOWL IS ALMOST HERE Hamburg, Germany -- It almost time. Can you feel it? Are you psyched? The NFL Europe World Bowl XVI is almost upon us. Gunthar Gobsturneegfrelinghaulsen spokesperson said something in German that sounded to us like, "I can't wait for the sausages, are they having sausages, gee I sure hope they're having sausages." The excitement around Germany has been building since they announced that the game will be played in Germany again. Since five of the six teams of NFL Europe are in Germany, "we thought we had a good chance of hosting it," added Gobsturneegfrelinghaulsen. "There hasn't been this much anticipation in Germany since Hitler committed suicide." Gobsturnneegfrelinghaulsen also said (in German) that the halftime show is going to be a "doozydorf." "We're going to have the Beatles reunite and play Hamburg again, give or take a Beatle."
JOCKWEB PRESIDENT ADMITS "ARENA FOOTBALL FANTASY LEAGUE" WAS A FAILURE JW HEADQUATERS-- At the annual meeting of Jockweb Worldwide Sports Conglomerate, CEO Ducky Billings told shareholders that Jockweb's attempt at a international fantasy league for Arena Football was a colossal mistake. "We thought the this country and others were ripe for a new computer fantasy experience," Billings told the shareholders gathered at the Corporate complex and spa. "Unfortunately only two people in the entire reach of cyberspace showed any interest." Jockweb admitted spending millions on software, hardware, and technical consulting in setting up the necessary infrastructure needed to support a fantasy league. "I sad to tell shareholders that they are the big losers here," Billings said. "When bonehead people at the top of corporations make huge mistakes and lose millions, unfortunately the shareholders must take all the responsibility and bear the losses." Billings said in characteristic defiance, "No heads will roll because of this. We at the top of the corporate ladder must preserve our positions and our elaborate lifestyles." Wall Street reacted to the news with cool disinterest. A spokesperson for the New York Stock Exchange said, "Who the hell is Jockweb? And what kind of idiot would buy stock in such an enterprise?"
JOHN DALY STRUGGLES WITH SHORT GAME, CAUGHT CHEATING Charloote, SC -- As if John Daly doesn't have enough problems, now the pro golfer has one more embarrassment to deal with. Yesterday in a high stakes skins game, Daly was caught cheating. Opponent Thurston Lovett III explained the incident to Jockweb. "John took a putt, missed, and then he yelled, 'look up in the sky, isn't that a terrorist bomber?' Naturally we all looked up and when we did, John put down another ball. He kept making us look up and kept sneaking new balls on the green in an effort to sink a putt. Finally he sunk the putt and we just pretended it was his first try." Daly told us that "I've got a real problem with cheating. I've been cheating ever since I got on tour. But PGA officials let me get away with it, cause I'm good copy." Daly has made $16 on the tour this year against $6,500,750,000 in gambling losses. "And my wife's in jail too!" chuckled the good natured golfer.
MICHELLE WIE CONFESSES: "MY GAMBLING IS OUT OF CONTROL" Seoul, Korea -- Golfing phenom Michelle Wie revealed that despite her success on the golf course, she has a gambling addiction. "My gambling is out of control and it's something I have get a handle on," said the 16-year old Wie as she made the cut in a men's tournament. "Unfortunately I can hit with the big boys but I can also lose with the big boys." Wie, in her upcoming book, "My Life's A Triple Bogey" explained that it started with her "betting my lunch money at school. Then I started betting $5 Nassaus with a couple of old geezers at a Muny course in San Diego. Soon I was playing $5,000 hands in Vegas." When asked how an under-aged girl got in the Vegas casinos, Wie explained," I use to go in as Mrs. Charles Barkley. And with some long earrings and some low riding jeans, I can look pretty hot." Wie said, "I might get some help or I might wait until it hits rock bottom, then the book will really take off."
DENVER NUGGETS FIRE KIKI VANDEWEGHE Denver, CO -- The Denver Nuggets of the NBA fire general manager Kiki Vandeweghe after Vandeweghe had restored the Nuggets franchise to respectability. Nuggets owner Stan Kroenke announced that he no longer wanted Vandeweghe to work for him because, "basically I can't take another man seriously when I have to call him Kiki." Kroenke admitted that he didn't like his own name Stan Kroenke but said, "I have lots of money so I'm not firing myself." Kroenke told reporters that he had given Vandeweghe numerous opportunities to change his name. "I thought Buzz Vandeweghe worked well but he seemed attached to Kiki. And the last name bugs me too. Vandewedge? Sounds like a high loft club I use around the green." Vandeweghe in defense of himself said, "There are lots of cool people named Kiki. Remember Kiki Dee? She had a huge record with Elton John. She was really hot for about six weeks." Many people bought the Kiki Dee Greatest Hits album only to find Kiki Dee had only one hit, "Don't Go Breaking My Heart." Most of those people hate the name Kiki too, because they blew cash on a CD with one good song, and thirteen other dog songs. Kroenke added, "Yeah I bought the CD and after that one hit, the thing just sucks!"
YOUNG GIRL STARS AS TONYA HARDING IN NEW OPERA, GETS BEAT UP! Cambridge, MA -- "Tonya and Nancy: The Opera" premiered last night at the Zero Arrow Theater in Harvard Square. The 40 minute opera is the joint work of fiction writer Elizabeth Searle and graduate student/musician Abigail Al-Doory. The opera musically dramatizes the 1994 conflict between at the time Olympic skaters, Tonya Harding and Nancy Kerrigan. "We think 'Tonya and Nancy' has all the elements of a Greek tragedy," said Searle. "We wanted to catch the interplay of good (Kerrigan) with evil (Harding) as they both competed to get the Olympic gold medal." Harding, who was in the audience, was played by young Becky Shuman, a local junior figure skater and opera talent. Shuman finished her performance to a standing ovation but was struck by a lead pipe in the leg backstage after the show. Tonya Harding confessed that she was insulted that a "little pisspot like Shuman didn't fairly represent her. And besides I haven't been in the news lately." Harding had lobbied to play herself in the opera but couldn't commit because of her heavy boxing schedule. However, she was miffed that, "that bitch could get a Grammy off of my name, and that ain't gonna happen."
NASCAR DRIVER LESTER PULLED OVER BY NJ STATE POLICE Talladega, AL -- NASCAR race drive Bill Lester was pulled over by New Jersey State Troopers and issued a ticket for speeding on Saturday. Oddly, it was at the Talladega Speedway in Talladega, Alabama. Lester was ticketed for going 205 MPH in the 200 MPH zone. Lester, who is the one of the few African American race car drivers on the NASCAR circuit, was surprised that he was pulled over. Police proceeded to search his car for drugs. "I asked them if they had a warrant and they told me they don't need one in Alabama," Lester explained. The New Jersey State Police, who have long been accused of 'racial profiling' in their enforcement of the laws of the state, denied that race played any part. A department spokesperson said, "it was just a routine traffic stop by two of our officers who just happened to be in Alabama." Alabama state police assisted on the traffic stop and thanked the New Jersey troopers for their diligence. Alabama trooper Ray Bob Ray said, "We had to restrain the culprit with force because he became aggressive and threatened our safety. Lester was handcuffed and taken to a local jail where he was later released on $500,000 bail. New Jersey troopers said, "We're just out there doing our job, trying to keep the roads safe."
FLORIDA HOOPS PLAYER NOAH DECLARES FOR DRAFT, REVEALS FAMILY SECRET Gainesville, FL -- Just a few weeks ago, Florida power forward Joakim Noah led the Gators to their first national championship. Today the 6'11", 235 pound sophomore declared his intent to enter the June NBA draft. However, the big news was that Noah revealed that he was not indeed the person he pretended to be. "My real name is Lisa Bonet," said the hoops star. "I've been Lisa Bonet my whole life and I'm tired of living a lie. I will enter the draft but as Lisa Bonet." Noah explained that he spent his formative years playing one of the Huxstable kids on TV's "Cosby." "I had a great career on Cosby, but after the show was cancelled I was type cast and then my career tanked," explained Bonet/Noah. Fortunately, Florida coach Billy Donovan spotted Bonet on the set of the movie set of "Angel Heart," a lame 90's thriller. "I told Lisa to bulk up, work on her three point shot, and then call me when she was ready to play in a big time program." And the rest is history. "Bonet/Noah took us to the promised land," said Donovan. "And she got me Cosby's autograph." Bonet is hoping the NBA exposure can rejuvenate a stalled film career.
ALLEN IVERSON CALLS IT QUITS (Eric Tiltissue at-large) Philadelphia, PA -- Sixers guard Allen Iverson has decided that he has had enough of Philadelphia and the NBA. Iverson is apparently disgruntled over not making the USA World Championship team and finishing behind Gilbert Arenas for the all-NBA team. "No one appreciates Allen," said Iverson talking about himself in the third person. "The Philly fans, the USA fans, the electric fans, they don't love me enough. What you want me to do score 63 points a game?" Iverson has decided to move to China because "the people there are short and they have to look up to me." And Iverson added, "Those little Chinese are cute and I can't get no good General Tsao Chicken in Philly." Sixers GM Billy King said he felt like a big AI had been lifted off his shoulders. "Now we can go after a player we have always wanted with more cap space." Chinese teens swarmed Iverson on the first day of his arrival. Several Chinese observers eyed Iverson's Chinese character tattoos. Iverson learned that the tattoo on his neck that he thought meant "bad ass" in Chinese, really meant, "you want hot mustard with your egg roll?"
NOT TO BE OUTDONE BY KOBE, SHAQ HAS BABY TOO! Miami, FL -- As if to say to Kobe Bryant, "You can't top me," Shaquille O'Neal and his wife became proud parents the same day as the Bryants. Little Earl "Boyikins" O'Neal was born at 6pm yesterday and both mother and father are doing fine. The O'Neal's entered an experimental fertility clinic designed to give fathers more of a role in the birthing process. The fertilized egg from Mrs. O'Neal was removed and placed in a warm incubator. After the egg reached a critical mass, Shaq then sat on it for several hours a day. "It was very rewarding for me to have this experience," said O'Neal. "It bought out feelings in me, I never knew I had." The fertilized egg responded well to this technique and soon was large enough to hatch. The jubilant Shaq explained, "When that egg hatched and little Earl jumped out, all I could think of is now we can move Dwayne Wade to the two guard, and little Earl can run the point." O'Neal added, "I could never get the ball where I wanted it with Kobe taking every f%^&ing shot. But with little Earl setting me up, you gonna see some big numbers going up."
KOBE IS OFFICIALLY OUT OF DOGHOUSE Los Angeles, CA -- After shooting the lights out on Sunday against the Phoenix Suns, Kobe Bryant went to the hospital with his wife Vanessa, where she gave birth to their second child. "It's official," said the beaming new dad, "I'm out of the doghouse." Bryant was referring to the cold shoulder that he received from his wife after some alleged sexual indiscretions two years ago in Colorado. "Oh, yeah, there was a long, long stretch on the couch but hey I'm back in the bedroom and this goes to show every guy out there. No matter how much you f%^& up, if you got a 100 million dollar contract, you can buy forgiveness. And let me tell you, that was a truckload, I mean a truckload of jewelry." Laker coach Phil Jackson said, "This is why I love coaching Kobe. Who would have thought his wife Vanessa would ever take him back, never mind having his baby? I cheated on my wife and she took me to the cleaners. I wish I knew his secret." Marital observers say this could be the biggest relationship recovery since the Clinton hummer. What was he thinking? RAMS DRAFT DENZEL WASHINGTON St. Louis, MO -- In a surprise move at yesterday's NFL draft, the St. Louis Rams drafted father-son combination Denzel and John David Washington. John David, a running back from Division IAA Morehouse State, and Hollywood dad, Denzel will both be in training camp come July. Rams management said it was a package deal. "You take the son, you get the old man," said a Rams spokesperson. "But fortunately, we're going to have Denzel to all the pre-game monologues to psyche up the players." Denzel says he plans to do a speech from each week of his season with the Titans from the movie, "Remember the Titans." Washington said, "I'll just follow week to week and tell the Rams the same thing I told the Titans and we'll probably get to the Super Bowl." Several Rams players said they never saw the movie and they didn't want to hear the ending. Others who saw it, expressed a little concern. An unnamed linemen asked, "Hey, doesn't a big fat lineman die in that movie? Shit, I could be next! But on the other hand, at least we won't have to listen to Mike Martz."
EXTREME FAN CULT EXPELS ADULTERER Kornfeld, IN -- A young college sophomore was expelled from what appears to be a bizzare cult of sports fans, who practice celibacy and dedicate themselves to absolute allegiance to there Division III sports teams. Known as the "Friends of Cooney College," a small liberal arts school in southeastern Indiana, these students sign a pact to follow and cheer the school's athletic teams, "as the single most important focus of your life." Len Swazey, a 20 year old, was kidnapped and then joined the extreme group last year, after he thought, "it was a way to make friends." It quickly spiraled out of control. "They took me in when I was vulnerable, and told me how great it was to be a "Friend," but soon I was caught in a cheering section that I could not escape from, not even for a hot dog." And then Swazey met a girl. "At first, the other 'Friends' warned me that dating girls and having sex would not be good for the other 'fans' in the group that had no life and all they could do was go to games and paint their bodies." But Swazey soon realized that he wanted to have sex more than cheer at a basketball game. After not showing up for a conference playoff game, the "Friends" leader Wendell Waddle, spray painted a "A" for adulterer on Swazey's fat gut and ostracized him from the group. "It was awful. I never realized how fat I had become and the "A" let everyone knew that I had sex. I was simultaneously ashamed and proud at the same moment. Ashamed about my large gut but proud that I was a fat guy having sex." Swazey was rescued by family members from the cult, taken to a deprogramming facility where experts helped him regain his life, and is now studying to be a rabbi.
NEW RUSSIAN TENNIS STAR CAUSES STIR Moscow-- Not since Anna Kournakova, has a tennis player been so bad but garnered so much attention. The latest sensation to hit the women's tennis circuit is Elena Dementiakova. Jockweb tennis writer Berky Buzby has been following Dementiakova's rise to fame for the past several weeks. He writes, "Basically she sucks, I mean she can't get a three hit volley without her...anatomy, getting in the way. BUT she's good for tennis." Dementiakova said she plans to enter several Grand Slam events this summer and lose everyone. "I don't think I need to win, people like me for some reason, and I get lot of offers, make pictures, no clothes, big money," the spry 22-year old said. Dementiakova explained that she has only played tennis a couple of times but "it no fun when Volga River frozen. I want move Florida." Anna Kournakova is said to be jealous of the tennis world's sudden infatuation with Dementiakova. "She has jugs big, there more is to tennis than jugs."
NBA USHERETTE SUES TO GET JOB BACK AFTER BEING FIRED FOR LOW IQ Sacramento, CA -- Mandy Tishman, a waitress in the exclusive corporate boxes for the Sacramento Kings, is suing the franchise after being let go for not having the requisite IQ for the job. "Mandy is certainly cute and she has a great smile," said a Kings spokesperson, "but she's just a horrible waitress." The Kings cite Tishman's failure to be able to deliver food orders to customers. "She takes the order fine, but forgets to bring the tray of food, and customers want their food." Tishman said in her defense, "I thought they just wanted me to be sexy and tease the customer, and usually when I stick my butt out, they don't seem to care about food." Tishman's attorney explained this is a classic case where employers just expect too much from employees. "It's a sweatshop environment where they're pressuring girls to wink and flirt with corporate clients and at the same time serve food, it's unreasonable. Mandy is a symbol for all of those low IQ girls with great bodies. We need to just let them be sexy without putting unreasonable expectations on them."
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