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Lexington, KY -- Preakness winner Curlin can now add law enforcement to his list of accomplishments. The three-year old horse helped the FBI in a case involving his owners.

Two of Curlin's owners, Shirley Cunningham Jr. and Williams Gallion were indicted on Thursday by a federal grand jury for allegedly conspiring to defraud clients in a $200-million dollar lawsuit. The lawyers face the possibility of 20 years in prison and a $250,000 fine. They would also be required to forfeit about $65-million from a settlement with the maker of diet drug fen-phen.

FBI agents used Curlin as an informant wearing a wire and capturing damaging conversations among his owners. "Curlin performed like a pro," said one agent. "We had a hard time figuring where to hide the wire but thank god horses are well-endowed," he explained.

Curlin's trainer Bilky Moore said, "There were some tense moments but Curlin never let on he was wired." He added, "When racing is over for him, he could either stud or work full-time for the government or stud for the government."

Las Vegas, NV -- If it seems like Mike Tyson never goes away that is because Mike Tyson never goes away. Tyson has signed on to fight veteran wrestling legend "Incognito" while Tyson himself dresses as "Incognito."

Sherm Sheckstein, wrestling promoter and cousin of Jockweb CEO Shecky Sheckstein, came up with the idea while high on limocello and angel dust. He exclaimed "Wow, was I f^&*ed up or what? But why not Mike Tyson dressed as 'Incognito' fighting 'Incognito'? It's as close as we're gonna get to Laila Ali fighting her father."

Tyson, who owes the IRS 45 billion dollars, said, "Alright already, do you have to remind me?" He added a song, "Regrets, I've had a few and then again too few to mention. I did it my way. For what is a man, what has he got, if not himself then he has not and through it all when there was doubt, I ate it up and spit it out. No scratch that. That was Evander Holyfield's ear I spit out."

Sheckstein commented, "Not a bad voice for a washed up, aging bankrupt felon, heh?"

$2750 for a ringside seat? Could be as exciting as a Andrew Golata hernia examination.

Syracuse, NY -- The new Syracuse franchise of the American Basketball Association was forced to drop it's nickname "Bullies," because it suggests the image of playground ruffians.

"More politically correct horseshit," screamed team executive Sammy Phist. "We were gonna call them the Syracuse Ass Kickin Mothers F$W%ers but we thought Bullies would be easier to get on a shirt."

Ralph Limp, a spokesperson for the national group, "We're Always Getting the Shit Kicked Out of Us," said, "There is evidence that the names of sports franchises influence behavior." Limp explained that fans emulate and try to become the name of their favorite franchise. "Like look at Notre Dame. Fighting Irish? Need I say more? Or how about 76ers or Lakers? See how words can really hurt?"

Bully Bobby Glands said, "As a bully I take offense. Whoever stands up for a bully? We have feelings too you know."

Psychologist Dr. Phil McGraw says that, "Bullies beat the shit out of me but who's making big money on TV now, talking about what? Bullies!"

Phist said, "We're confident no one will show up to watch an ABA game, as past history suggests, so we're not worried about a name."

Let's give the Bullies a break. Remember they usually have low self-esteem or they wouldn't be bullies.

Phoenix AZ -- Food Channel Show, "The Iron Chef" could step into the mainstream as one of America's favorite sports.

Record crowds are showing up at stadiums throughout the country to watch their favorite cooks do battle. "Don't call me a cook," steamed Chef Pepper Korn. "I'm a professional chef and I want to be paid like a professional baseball player."

Yesterday's battle between Korn and rivals Mooshi Mooshymota and Dip Mi Dong saw the chef's go the full 60 minutes preparing ordinary rice against re-fried rice. Fans went crazy when ordinary, plain white rice won over a shrimp scampi with saffron dish. "Watching people cook rice is a lot more interesting than watching Major League Baseball," said one rice fanatic.

"Racist bullshit," screamed Dong. "White rice always win." Rice fans have gotten used to dominating the competition over the years. One fan explained, "It's just a fact that white rice is more versatile and gets called upon more in a tight cooking situation."

Reverend Jesse Jackson said, "I'm tired of this white rice conspiracy. We are a culture with many rices and we should be celebrating brown rice and yellow rice and throw in some red beans once in awhile."

Could competitive cooking replace poker as the most watched sporting event on television? We hope so!

Dallas, TX -- The Big 12 commissioner Kevin Weiberg resigned as the league's commissioner and will take a job with the Big 10.

Weiberg was credited for bringing the Midwest-based Big 8 conference and the fourth Southwest Conference schools in Texas together to form the current conference. Weiberg is best known for coming up with the name, "Big 12 Conference."

"There was the Big 8 and we added four schools and four plus eight equal twelve so I figured, why not call it the 'Big 12," explained Weiberg. One NCAA official called Weiberg's work, "groundbreaking and some of the slickest commissioning ever done by a commissioner." "Wow, only a visionary like Kevin Weiberg could have taken 8 and added 4 and came up with the Big 12," said one Texas AD.

Weiberg will join the Big 10 where his first order of business will be to address the name "Big Ten Conference." Weiberg explained, "There are actually 11 teams in the Big 10 so right off the bat, I've got some work to do." Actually, Penn State joined the Big 10 several years ago but few people understood the mathematical implications.

"We need a guy like Kevin Weiberg," said Ohio State head coach Jim Tressel. "In my estimation if Kevin can get this 10 plus 1 thing figured out, then we're all winners."

Some Weiberg critics say that he plagiarized taking the Big 12 name from the original Big 12.

Calgary, AL -- The Calgary Flames completed their search for a new coach by hiring Mike Keenan to take over the reins for 2007.

"We're excited to have Mike Keenan as a coach," said a Flames executive. "Mike's coached just about every team in hockey and been fired a bunch so I'm sure we'll be firing him too," he added.

One candidate Benjy Swoorell was said to be very angry over being passed over. Swoorell, a part-time magacian, sword swallower, and "overall kid's party entertainer" said, "I didn't even get an interview."

Swoorell explained, "I was the only candidate that could eat fire but that didn't seem to get their attention."

A Flames spokesperson said, "Lots of people can do that trick. In fact Mike Keenan not only ate fire during his interview, he flamed broiled a 'Whopper' in his mouth while talking about personnel changes."

After the news of his rejection, Swoorell doused himself with lighter fluid and lit himself on fire. "If you're going to protest, lighting yourself on fire, really gets people's attention."

San Francisco, CA -- San Francisco 49ers head coach Mike Nolan received permission from NFL commissioner Roger Goodell to wear "lacey, frilly undergaments" under his suit during regular season games in 2007.

Nolan had gotten some flak from the league offices and NFL sponsor, Reebok, about wearing non-sanctioned suits on the sidelines as well as women's underwear underneath his suit. The NFL determines what apparel can be worn on the sideline and Reebok provides that clothing for coaches--from Bill Belichick's sleeveless sweatshirt to the Nolan's black suits.

Nolan said, "I like something lacey and frilly or something in a thong. What is right next to me is very important and women's underwear makes me feel lucky." Nolan is 8-0 when wearing women's underwear beneath his suit.

Reebok agreed to the clothing change "only if he wears a Reebok thong." A Reebok spokesperson requested that occasionally "Nolan drop his pants and reveal the Reebok insignia on his crotch."

Cleveland, OH -- San Antonio Spurs coach Greg Popovich may be sitting on a dynasty as the Spurs get ready to close out the Cleveland Cavaliers but not everyone on the team is happy.

There are grumblings among several Spurs bench players about the limited action they have seen thus far in the playoffs. Popovich explained, "I coach role players and if the right matchups aren't there, you're going to sit out." He added, "We've been fortunate that the Cavs suck and that we've been able to snooze through this series."

One player, who chose to remain anonymous, said, "That's total bullshit. Pop plays favorites and the fact remains if you have an accent or a green card, you're getting time and the rest of us don't get squat."

Several players were more philosophical about the situation. "We're making big money, living large, and have lots of groupies hanging around offering us free sex, so I guess we should be grateful."

Popovich did issue a warning, "No matter what happens from here on out, believe me, I'm cleaning house in the post season. Some of these bitches are going to be shown the door."

Popovich has not gone to the bench often this season and these bench players want more court time.

New York, NY -- According to an article published in this month's American Journal of Psychiatry, doctors have identified a new disorder affecting only cheerleaders.

"Compulsive Pyramid Disorder" affects over 1.5 million young women per year. According to Dr. Tish Tischer, "This makes anorexia look like a pimple," explained Tischer. In her article Tischer says, "Compulsive Pyramid Disorder is the next wave of serious psychiatric disorders to hit young girls."

The disorder manifests itself with young girls wanting to form a pyramid no matter where they are. Tischer said, "These girls lose complete touch with reality and feel it's perfectly normal to form a pyramid whenever or wherever they are." Tischer said, "We must reach out to these girls and help them understand that it's not appropriate to form a pyramid at a Bar Mitzvah or a funeral."

Cheerleader Bess Drest said, "Wow, I love being on top." Drest added, "You know what's really cool? being on top of a pyramid and then making yourself throw up."

New York, NY -- NFL Players Union leader Gene Upshaw said yesterday that he will attempt to "stick my foot up Mike Ditka's ass." Ditka and former NFL player Joe DeLamiellure spoke out against the union leader for his failure to help retired disabled players get their necessary retirement benefits.

Upshaw, who said last week "that he would like to break Joe DeLamiellure's neck," was angry over repeated accusations that he is not doing enough to help his retired players. Upshaw explained, "Breaking someone's neck is difficult to do and very impractical," said Upshaw. He added, "I realize now that my comment was stupid. It's extremely difficult to go up to a former NFL lineman and break his neck in broad daylight."

DeLamiellure said in his press conference, "I have a very thick neck and I doubt Upshaw could get two hands around it. Sticking a foot up my ass or Ditka's, is much easier."

Upshaw said he planned to call a meeting with Ditka, drop some coins on the ground and if Ditka bends over Upshaw said, "I'll just put my foot right up his big fat ass." Ditka said, "He can put his foot up my ass but I'm telling you sticking a foot up someone's ass is as difficult as breaking someone's neck." Ditka added, "It's a extremely difficult for someone with a large show size like Upshaw's to get his foot up my ass. But he's welcome to give it a try."

Ditka and former Cowboy coach Bill Parcells discuss Upshaw's shoe size in preparation of the foot sticking.

Houston, TX -- Houston Rockets center Yao Ming spoke out against the National Hockey League's dismal record in hiring Chinese players.

Yao said, "The NHL likes the European players because they are easier to control." Detroit Tigers outfielder Gary Sheffield thanked Yao for sticking his foot in his mouth because, "it takes the attention off me for my comments about Latino ballplayers."

The NHL admittedly has a bad record when it comes to Chinese players. NHL commissioner Gary Bettman said, "It's true the Chinese player is harder to control despite naturally being superior hockey players."

Yao explained that, "I wanted badly to be a hockey player but I was forced into basketball by a totalitarian government who uses me as a propaganda tool." Yao added, "I'm tired of the old Forest Gump stereotypes. God damn it I want to skate!"

Bettman said, "We'd be happy to have Yao play in the NHL if he just promises to stop the bitchin and shut up and skate."

Tampa Bay, FL -- Hip hop legend Snoop Doggy Dog was arrested yesterday at the Tampa Bay Devil Rays baseball game for stealing a giant sponge finger.

He was eventually released on bail and promised to return the finger to 8-year-old Todd Wohlman. Snoop defended himself by saying, "I jezz nezz to hezz dat finger." The rapper, also known for his spring break hijinks video of "Snoop's Girls Gone Wild," explained, "I gots a whole lotta uses for a big finger, if you catch my drizzle."

For years giant fingers have been used as a fan tool to cheer on the home team. Recently however, the use of giant sponge fingers have been expanded to include recreational drug use and sexual stimulation.

Snoop winked at reporters and said, "I'm only restricted by my own perverted imagination."

Chicago, IL -- Chicago Cubs' skipper Lou Pinella made headlines yesterday when he destroyed a suburban Chicago beauty parlor where he was having his hair highlighted.

Pinella became incensed over the amount of gray that was left in his hair and immediately began berating the 22-year-old stylist. The stylist, Russell Jack, a recent graduate of the Fletcher Beauty Academy, was excited when he heard he had been assigned to highlight Pinella's hair.

"I've always wanted to be part of 'The Show' and this was like moving into the big leagues," said Jack. However, things soon became nasty when Jack colored what he said "was probably an extra five tufts of hair." Jack said, "We could argue all day about if it was too much or too little but the fact is in hair color, it's a judgement call."

Pinella verbally abused Jack and threw his blow dryer clear across the shop. He proceeded to kick cut hair all over Jack's shoes before Jack tossed him from the shop. Jack later said, "This comes with the hair coloring territory. You know what you're getting into when you become a stylist."

Pinella is said to be one of the most demanding managers in baseball when it comes to hair coloring.

Havre de Grace, MD -- Michelle Wie seems to be facing an ever increasing pile of troubles.

The 17-year-old former golfing phenom, walked out of the Ginn Tribute tournament last week with two holes left in the first round. The withdraw was suspicious since Wie was two bogeys away from shooting such a high score that she would be declared ineligible for the rest of the year.

Worse yest, Wie showed up at Bulle Rock this weekend with no money. She played the pro-am on Monday at the LPGA championship but had to mooch money off her playing partners to get a hot dog and soda at the ninth hole turn.

Wie conceded, "I'm broke. I've been drinking and smoking a lot of weed this year in high school and believe me, I've spent a lot." Her finances are reportedly so bad that, "she was hitting range balls over water hazards."

Wie said, "I hate taking a chance hitting a new Titleist into a pond so I usually take out a range ball when I hit over water."

Veteran Anika Sorenstam became annoyed at Wie when Wie asked her to borrow $3.50 for a "pack of smokes." "I hate the 17-year-old entitled bitches we have out here on the tour," steamed Sorenstam. "If I were a Chicago Cub I'd punch her in the mouth," quipped the number one women's player.

Memphis, TN -- Golfer John Daly arrived at a golf tournament with cuts and lacerations to his face after he claimed that his wife attacked him with a steak knife.

Daly called police on Friday and claimed his wife Sherrie "is either crazy or just a bad cook." Police found Daly laying in a vat of teryaki marinade with lots of red marks on his cheeks. Daly explained, "My wife has a voracious appetite and when she gets hungry she'll eat anything."

Late police did question Mrs. Daly, who did admit confusing her husband for a large filet mignon. "If you look at John when he's asleep and a large piece of beef on sale, you can't tell the difference," she said. She denied she would try to eat her husband. "Come seriously, do you think I could fit him on a grill?" she asked.

John Daly said that his wife had bought several cases of A1 steak sauce at a local BJ's. "All the evidence points that she intended to barbecue me and eat me." After the incident Daly was so shaken that he shot a 26 over par 98, threw a bunch of club and went out and got, "mean drunk."

Indianapolis, IN -- The NCAA release a 508 page ten year study on women's fencing yesterday.

A spokesperson for the collegiate athletic body said, "We like to churn out studies and this seemed like a good one." The study followed over three hundred women for a ten year period.

Lead researcher Dr. Luc Pointay explained, "When I heard that I would have to follow three hundred women for ten years, I immediately said 'okay.'" Pointay said, "I followed the three hundred women everywhere and people started acting like I was some kind of pervert for following all these women." He added, "I am a pervert and this study was a pervert's delight."

The study found that fencing teams "do not wear hot, revealing outfits like the cheerleaders do." Pointay asks in his report, "Why couldn't I have followed three hundred cheerleaders for ten years?" The study asks some other tough questions like, "If we're going to have women's fencing, can we put them in bikinis or something?"

Women's fencing historically has the lowest TV ratings of all NCAA sports. Gotta be the uniforms.

Los Angeles, CA -- Renown cyclist Lance Armstrong told reporters yesterday that he has recovered from his breakup with singer/songwriter Sheryl Crow.

Armstrong said that he was "extremely happy" and in a new relationship with comedian Robin Williams. Armstrong explained that Williams and he met while "believe it or not, bicycling." "He's always made me laugh," said Armstrong, "but now I have Mork all to myself."

The manic Williams did five minutes of "testicle humor" for reporters which had Armstrong rolling on the ground. "You see what I mean?" said Armstrong. "But Robin has a very serious side that he saves for me."

Williams walked down the side walk with a distinct limp asking the crowd, "Who am I?" He quickly screamed, "The Hunchback of Notre Dame after a vasectomy!" Armstrong added, "Do you see what I have to put up with? It's none stop craziness. But it's a whole lot better than listening to that crooning bitch I was living with."

Armstrong did quietly whisper to Williams, "Enough with the below the belt humor."

New York, NY -- New York Yankees slugger may have ended his days in the big Apple after undergoing a sex change operation.

"Inside, I've been a woman for years," said Giambi. "I just really hated the confinement of jockey shorts and it was time for something different," added Giambi.

Giambi has struggled at the plate after his steroid supplier was exposed and he has disappointed both Yankees management and fans. Owner George Steinbrenner said, "At least now for all the money I'm paying him, I can get sex."

Yankee skipper Joe Torre said he planned to still use Giambi as a designated hitter but did add, "Jason has become a really moody bitch." Giambi said, "Now when my playing days are over I would like to become a Knicks dancer."

Washington, DC -- Following the uproar over allegations of dog fighting at the Michael Vick compound in Virginia, Clifford, the big Red Dog testified in Congress.

Clifford told a special Senate sub-committee investigating dog fighting that "I am opposed to dog fighting on moral grounds but more importantly because I'm a dog and I would not like to be eaten by another dog." The lovable children's book character added, "But I wouldn't back down from a Michael Vick trained dog. I say, motherf$%^er bring it on Michael!"

One member of Congress said that he had not heard a speech "this insignificant since President Bush's 'State of the Union' address." Congressman Floyd Pulling added, "I love all of the Clifford books and I think Clifford may be a viable Republican candidate in next year's election."

Jockweb, HQ -- Jockweb CEO and wannabe film producer Shecky Sheckstein announced plans to begin shooting a biography film about Dallas receiver Terrell Owens.

Sheckstein said, "We have no script, we have no actors, we have no money so I guess you could save it's at best a really bad idea."

Advisors close to Sheckstein say that in an ideal world, "We'd get Will Smith to play T.O." Smith when asked about his feelings about working with Jockweb and Sheckstein asked, "This would a career move similar to marrying Lorena Bobbit." Smith may have been referring to the woman who cut her husband penis off but Sheckstein countered with, "We would never try to cut Will Smith's penis off."

Jockweb has contacted veteran screenwriter Sherman Ousterhouse to write the script. Sheckstein said, "Sherman wrote some pretty bad porn scripts in the 80's and we think he can do the same in 2007."

Sheckstein is hoping that if all goes well, shooting will start sometime during the Hilary Clinton presidency.

Will Smith as T.O.? Sheckstein confessed, "We wanted Abe Vigoda from 'Barney Miller' but we think he's dead."

Arlington, TX -- Thousands of lesbian Texas Rangers fans were muddled in confusion turned to anger at yesterday's game, after it was announced that comedian Ellen Degeneres would throw out the first pitch.

Thousands of tickets were sold to the annual "Dykes Day" where fans can buy one ticket and bring a lesbian for free. Degeneres, the affable television host was slated to throw out ceremonial first ball. However, fans got restless after it was discovered that actor Owen Wilson stepped on the mound.

Rangers management explained that Degeneres cancelled at the last moment and, "we were stuck." One Rangers spokesperson asked, "Can you tell the difference?" Wilson took the mound and threw a pitch.

Lesbians immediately became restless and then angry. "Did they really think we can't tell the difference between Ellen Degeneres and Owen Wilson?" asked one irate fan. After a double take, she added, "Christ, I can't tell the difference between Ellen Degeneres and Owen Wilson. That pisses me off."

Fans stormed out of the stadiums and raced home to watch old "Ellen" reruns. "Jees, is that Owen Wilson? And is that Ellen with Ben Stiller in all of those buddy movies?" asked another fan.

Detroit, MI -- The percentage of African-Americans playing Major League Baseball is an all-time low and Gary Sheffield thinks he knows why.

In an interview with GQ magazine, the outspoken Tigers slugger said African-Americans have been replaced as baseball's premier minority. "I think what we're going to see is more and more ethnic Albanians playing major league baseball. I have no reason for this but it's my theory."

Sheffield added, "My theory also says that a remote possibility may be that blacks are starting to play more basketball." "I know this sounds absolutely nutty," said Sheffield, "but I think that the reason that blacks aren't playing baseball is that they're don't want to be stereotyped as baseball only athletes."

This is only one of Sheffield's theories. "I've got hundreds of theories and most of them don't make any sense but my hope is that one day they'll be a 'Sheffield Theory.' When you get your name in front of 'Theory' that is really cool as shit."

"How about this for a theory?" asked Sheffield. "What if energy equals mass times acceleration? You see how it works? You just start talking and out comes a theory."

Gary Sheffield sketched out his theory of the gravity and sub-atomic particles but he quickly lost us.

Orlando, FL -- The Orlando Magic revealed that it took more than money to lure coach Billy Donovan away from the University of Florida.

"This was one of the toughest negotiations that I've ever witnessed," said one Orlando executive. "Donovan insisted on a Disney speed pass or else the whole deal was going to be squelched," he explained.

The terms of the contract call for Donovan "to have unlimited access to the best Disney rides with no waiting." Donovan said, "I'm just a sucker for 'It's A Small World' and now I can just go in the speedy lines, and no annoying waiting."

Part of Donovan's contract calls for him to fill in for "Chip'n Dale" on his days off. "I love those furry little rascals," beamed Donovan, "and I can't wait to walk around a theme park dressed as a squirrel."

For part of his 25 million dollar contract, Donovan will have to pose with fans dressed as a part of a squirrel team.

Buena Vista, FL -- Projected NBA lottery prize Greg Oden left the NBA pre-draft camp with his parents after he disclosed, "I miss my mommy."

Oden wrote home to his parents to "come get me from camp." His letter to his parents said, "Mommy and Daddy, camp is not fun and I want to come home right now."

Several other players also expressed dissatisfaction with the camp. Texas forward Kevin Durant said, "This is the worst camp I ever went to. We didn't go boating or swimming or nothing."

Greg Oden's mother expressed her disappointment saying, "You send your kids off to camp to swim and fish and have fun. So you can imagine, we're not happy campers." Camp director Mitch Mitchell said, "Camp NBA is a fun camp experience where if kids behave they can make millions of dollars." Mitchell said, "It's unfortunate, some kids just don't like camping."

Mrs. Oden said, "I want my 28 million dollar deposit back and I'll make sure to tell all my friends not to send their kids to this camp."

Chicago, IL -- Chicago Cub players and management were forced to repel discontented, riotous fans with fire hoses.

In a scene reminiscent of 1960's civil rights marches, players turned high power water pressure on fans to keep them in the stands. The rioting began after a loss to the Florida Marlins that made Cubs skipper Lou Pinella say, "Wow do we ever suck." Pinella who manages one of the biggest payrolls in baseball defended the fire-hosing of fans. "You can't believe how cool it is to spray a high powered stream of water at someone and knock them off their feet."

Cubs management said that "Chicago fans just expect too goddamn much from this franchise." One player said, "I'm sorry, I know I shouldn't take it personally but when fans boo and call me names, it just hurts so much and I want to hurt them with a powerful fire hose."

Pinella warned this is only the beginning. "It's early June and we're falling apart at the seems. I think it's time to bring in the riot dogs. Now we're really talking fun."

Orlando, FL -- University of Florida Gators basketball coach Billy Donovan has accepted the head coaching job for the NBA Orlando Magic.

Donovan, who recently inked a five-year extension contract at the school, said, "Believe me, it's not about the money." The Magic will pay Donovan 5.5 million dollars per year. "I know you'll find this hard to believe but I love coaching so much that I would coach for nothing."

Immediately after Donovan's press conference, Orlando said, "That's great, okay, so we don't have to pay him now?" Donovan then said, "No, I was just joking, like, you know, to make me sound like a really good guy who's not interested in money when in reality I'm really interested in the money."

A Magic spokesperson said, "It's so refreshing to have a coach say, 'it's not about the money.' Too often coaches today are just lying motherf^*&ers, who have no sense of personal loyalty. This is clearly not the case here."

Alabama football coach Nick Saban reiterated his position saying, "Get the f%^& outta here, it's all about the money."

New York, NY -- Actress, TV talk show host, and activist comedian Rosie O'Donnell announced, "I want to coach in the NFL again."

After recently being canned from ABC's "The View," O'Donnell said she wants to get back into football.

O'Donnell, who had two brief stints as a offensive line coach in the 1990's, said, "I'm a hellava line coach and I want another shot at a Super Bowl." The lively entertainment personality stated that, "I fit the offensive line coach personality to a 't'. I'm loud, fat, and ugly so that puts me in the 99 percentile amongst line coaches."

Detroit Lions president Matt Millen said that he would welcome O'Donnell to work for him. "I think Rosie is a proven motivator and hey, we're talking Detroit Lions here." "Besides," Millen added, "she sort looks like my sister."

O'Donnell, who played her college ball at Lucille Ball State where she went both ways, added, "I can't believe I used to go both ways. What the hell was I thinking?"

Los Angeles, CA -- Los Angeles Lakers star Kobe Bryant declared today that "I want to be traded." Bryant said that his preference was, "any team in Colorado."

The Lakers management commented that "we had no idea that Kobe was unhappy but we do know he likes Colorado for some reason." Lakers owner Jerry Buss asked, "What the hell is so interesting in Colorado and what the hell is my daughter doing dating that pot smoking, yoga chanting coach of mine, Phil Jackson?"

Bryant said that he couldn't explain why he had an affinity for Colorado. "I just love skiing I guess," said the veteran guard. "Just trade me to the Nuggets or the Rockies or the Avalanche or even the Broncos, it don't matter to me, just get me back to Colorado."

NBA observers could not understand Bryant's obsession with landing with a Colorado franchise. Bryant didn't seem to help with the mystery when he asked, "You do think it's cool for me to be back in Colorado? Like man, you don't think they know me there or nothing? You see in LA everyone knows me but I don't think no one knows me in Colorado."

Atlanta, GA -- Embattled Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick categorically denied that he has been a lifelong dogfighter but he did admit to occasionally engaging in another horrifying sport, sheep fighting.

Vick told reporters, "It's true. In the past I have trained sheep to fight and then placed my sheep in a ring to fight other sheep and then bet on the outcome."

Sheep fighting has a reputation for being on of the cruelest activities known to mankind and is outlawed in most states. FBI undercover agent Farley O'Hare said, "These sheep are bred to fight and then they've got these heavy sweaters on. Try fighting someone with a wool sweater on."

Animal rights activists say that sheep fighting is not well understood by the public and that efforts must be begun in the Congress to stop the practice. "We need laws on the books to protect sheep," said Rep. Frank Barney. "It might be okay for a lonely farmer to have sex with a sheep but training them to fight is disgraceful in a civilized country."

Paris, FR -- The International Anti-Doping Federation announced yesterday that they will allow a limited list of performance enhancing drugs.

Agency chairman Dick Pound explained, "Don't get me wrong, some of these performance enhancement drugs are terrific. As long as a drug doesn't give a rider a distinct advantage, then I say we can look the other way."

Several professional bike riders have been called on the carpet for blood doping and using testosterone based drugs but Pound added, "If a guy is having some problems with below the belt performance, I think we oughta give him a hand."

Asian biker Wo Wo Wo said, "I've been taking some herbal remedies for years and to be frank, natural is the way to go. I fell better about myself and I give my partner days of enjoyment."

Pound commented, "I knew there was some reason China has over a billion people."

San Antonio, TX -- An 81 year-old woman was convicted for trying to extort 2 million dollars from Green Bay Packer Hall of Fame quarterback Bart Starr.

Ruby Young of Kerrville, Texas threatened to reveal a clandestine sexual relationship that she had with Starr unless the two-time Super Bowl MVP coughed up the money.

The 73 year-old Starr asked, "Okay, I had a sexual relationship with an 81 year-old woman, is that so unusual?" Starr said, "Look when you're my age, you take what you can get but it wasn't worth two million."

Young, for her part said, "I'm still cooking at 81 and I can still 'Light Your Fire' if you're willing to look past my prune butt."

Starr, who was contrite about the whole affair, said, "There may be life after football but when it comes to women, sometimes you've got to settle for a more mature gal."

Jockweb, HQ -- Jockweb investigative journalist Fred Collingdale has just completed an one year undercover investigation of the underbelly of the body building world.

Collingdale concludes, "Bodybuilders are not gay." The Jockweb veteran reporter spent one year disguised as a bodybuilder and frequented bodybuilding salons throughout Southern California and spent over 8,000 hours perusing bodybuilding magazines.

Collingdale writes in his expose, "It sure seemed like just about everyone was gay but I never got up the nerve to ask, 'Hey are you guys gay or what?'" He adds, "Most of these guys look like they're gay, especially when they're all oiled up and standing on their toes flexing like flamingos but I dare anyone to go up to these guys and say, 'nice skimpy shorts you're wearing, what are you, gay or something.'" He confessed, "I'm sure if I asked that question someone would have flexed me to death."

Throughout his year undercover Collingdale said he developed several close relationships with bodybuilders. "I had a lot of sex with men but I'm not gay and neither are the men I had sex with. It was just part of the investigation." Several bodybuilders said the they believed Collingdale was gay because, "he's small and puny and we're not afraid to say to him, 'what are you, gay or something?'"

Copenhagen, Denmark -- Bjarne Riis, the 1996 Tour de France champion admitted taking performance enhancing drugs and to a "shitload of blood doping."

"Blood doping is my life," said the strapping Dane. "If you lived near all hot Scandinavian women that I do, you'd be doing some performance enhancing too. Day in, day out, really good looking blondes? Come on, can you blame me?"

Tour de France officials have asked Riis to give back the fame yellow shirt he won. Riis explained that, "the shirt had coffee stains all over it and finally I gave it to a clothing drive." He said, "I don't know what it is but whenever I have a cup of coffee I spill it on myself. And I hate these new damn lids they have at Dunkin Donuts."

Race officials are considering changing the color of the shirts to brown just because, "There isn't a man on this planet that can drink a cup of coffee and not spill some on his shirt."

Scandinavian girls please: Be careful when drinking hot coffee with those new lids that make you dribble all over yourself.

Vienna, Austria -- The International Olympic Committee fined the Austrian Olympic Committee for failing to prevent blood doping among it's skiers and for the really annoying Austrian song, "Edelweiss."*

The Austrian representatives admitted that all of their skiers were doped up at the Torino Games but they insisted that the song, "Edelweiss," is "a damn good tune."

"Edelweiss" is a song that was first popularized by actress Julie Andrews in the 1964 movie production, "The Sound of Music." The song is synonymous with Austria and most Austrians agree, "it's a damn good tune." Austrian argue that the song song in English by Julie Andrews "does kind of suck" but "if you hear in Austrian, you'll be snapping your fingers and shuffling your feet."

Hundreds of athletes lodged complaints against the Austrian skiers for blood doping and "playing that goddamn song 24/7." An IOC representative promised that the committee would take further action that would prevent Julie Andrews from ever skiing again. Andrews for her part said, "If blood doping makes me look twenty years younger than by all means, let the doping begin."

Whatever you do, even if it means pleasing your spouse or girlfriend or gay boyfriend, don't watch this movie without at least a case of Colt .45 malt liquor.

*Shit, now I've got that stupid song in my head...edelweiss, edelweiss, every morning you greet me...that's awful stuff."

Tuscaloosa, AL -- Alabama officials are mum on reports that coach Nick Saban may have violated recruiting rules with some junior recruits.

Several news sources say that Saban might have exceeded the NCAA rules limiting face-to-face contact with potential recruits. Coaches are allowed a mild "exchange of greetings" like, "Hey buddy" or "What's up there big fella?" but face-to-face" contact is forbidden.

Saban allegedly dress in a Muslim burka, hiding his face, while speaking with some prized high school juniors. In one case Saban identified himself as a Koacha Al-Nikka and said things like, "Hey, you're a big physical type of linebacker. Why not play for the Tide?" One student athlete became very suspicious when said Saban said, "You know, you can get a hellava degree from the University of Alabama." The student said, "I may be a dumb football playing junior but even I know no football player ever graduates from Alabama."

Alabama's Nick Saban on a recent recruiting trip.

San Diego, CA -- Embattled Tour de France champion took one step closer to proving that he is what Greg Lamond calls, "a lying, blood doping, blackmailing, two testicle cheater."

Landis took the stand in his own defense yesterday and testified "that the really hot looking girl who gave me the yellow shirt on the victory stand did not shave her armpits." The courtroom gave a large, collective sigh at Landis' comments while Judge Lance Ito just yawned.

Ito said in an angry tone to Landis, "Tell us something we don't already know." Landis snapped back, "Well your honor, believe it or not, I had no idea French women didn't shave their armpits." Ito clearly angered by Landis' apparent stalling tactics shouted, "And I guess you expect this court to believe that also you didn't realize that French women don't shave their legs?"

Landis broke down on the witness stand crying, "They don't shave their legs either?" Landis was taken away from the courtroom by the sheriff's officers. Ito told the court that this is not an issue that is going to go away and the sooner Americans realize that "hairy French women are here to stay the sooner we can get on with our lives."

Washington, DC -- Washington Redskins running back Clinton Portis announced the formation of his new off the field entrepreneurial venture called, "Portis Dog Fighing Tours, Inc."

Portis said he got the idea after he realized, "I know a lot of back roads where a lot of dog fighting takes place. If people want to know where dog fighting takes place, I can take them there and I can take them in a bus."

It seems Portis may be on to something. Portis' "Dog Fighting Package" includes a ride on an air conditioned bus, guaranteed five stops at secret dog fights, lunch, and an autograph session with Falcons' quarterback Michael Vick for the low, low price of $469.00

Redskins owner Daniel Snyder said, "I'm a guy who knows value and the Clinton Portis "Dog Fighting Package" is a solid value at $469.00." Portis' agent Drew Rosenhaus said, "Hey I should get 15% of any dog fighting bus trip or my name isn't Drew Rosenhaus." NFL commissioner Roger Goodell added, "I think Clinton is very wise to get a business up and running now because you can't play football forever."

Looking for a once in a lifetime family vacation that won't empty your wallet? Call "Portis Dog Fighting Tours, Inc."

Secaucus, NJ -- Boston fans experienced a deep collective depression after learning that their sour luck will prevent them from having a chance to draft at the Nos. 1 and 2 spots in the NBA draft.

The storied Celtics franchise went out of their way to "eat shit and die," all year so that they would have a chance to draft either Greg Oden or Kevin Durant, the two most coveted prizes in this year's draft class. But GM Danny Ainge had good news for the crying fans. "Okay, so we're not getting Oden or Durant but we did manage to land Debbie 'Wide Angle' Babcock."

Babcock, a former stripping gymnast, has parlayed her skills into an acrobatic halftime show where "I sky way above the rim, flash my tootie to the crowd, and finish with an all-star jam." Ainge said, "They don't call her 'Wide Angle' for nothing." Ainge asked, "Who comes to watch basketball anyway? Isn't it all about a really rockin' halftime show?" In addition Ainge said, "Believe me, 'Wide Angle' is going to make at least half of our fans forget we picked 5th. And I smell 'GM of the Year' in 2008."

Los Angeles, CA -- The made for television X-Games announced that they will introduce a new event destined to make the games a must stop for channel surfers.

The event, "Extreme Einstein Jumping," consists of several tweeners performing acrobatic bicycle moves while jumping over a dead Albert Einstein. "We think people are really going to enjoy EEJ," said Edward Teller, a spokesperson for the games. "We think if Einstein was alive today, he'd really enjoy people jumping over him while somersaulting on a bicycle. It's all about E=mc ."

"The X Games are about as close to sports as beating your meat against the side of your house is to good sex," said sports critic Conrad Radcon. "But jumping over Albert Einstein on a bicycle is compelling television for blind, deaf mutes."

Teller added, "Blind, deaf mutes are our target demographic for the X-games and amongst this population this is consistantly the most highly rated show." Uma Sherman, a spokesperson for the BDMA (Blind Deaf Mutes of America commented, " ."

Los Angeles, CA -- Former boxing great and barbecue grill master George Foreman said in his recently published memoirs, "I was drugged." Foreman said that, during his "Rumble in the Jungle" Zaire fight with Muhammad Ali in 1974, someone slipped something in my drinking water.

Foreman claims in his book, "God in My Corner," that Ali slipped him one of those "date drugs." "All I could remember," explains Foreman, "was that we were slow dancing in the 8th round. Muhammad whispered several intimate things to me while we were tied up in the middle of the ring."

Foreman said he went to his corner, took a sip of water and became disoriented. "The next thing I remembered it was the next morning and I was naked in my room and Muhammad was putting his pants on and leaving." Foreman added, "I was hurt and didn't know where to turn. Who was going to believe me?"

It was soon after this trauma that Foreman decided, "I had to do something to turn this nightmare into something positive. It was at the moment, I knew I could begin the healing process by grilling." Foreman created the "George Foreman Grill," and the rest is a Food Channel success story.

"I'm living proof," said the oversized chef, "that anything is possible with the right marinade."

Here's a way to crack down on these guys slipping drugs to innocent people. Grilled member...owww that smarts.

New York, NY -- Ratings for "Animal Planet's" newest show "The Golf Hunter," have exceeded the expectations of the network's top brass.

"The Golf Hunter," loosely based on the old "Crocodile Hunter" formula of deceased host Steve Irwin, stars Aussie golfer Ferdie McDay. McDay wanders the planet hunting for elusive prey with a pitching wedge. In his cheery, affable manner, McDay can shoot under par and offer golf tips coupled with plenty of information about endangered species.

"Kids and adults love Ferdie," said producer Lonnie Lakesburger, "and advertisers love anyone with an Australian accent."

This week Ferdie travels to the Oakmont Country Club in search of the elusive Western Pennsylvanian Python. Ferdie explains, "The Western Pennsylvanian Python is huge and they hide on golf courses and sneak up and smother they're prey." During filming Ferdie played up short on a Par 5 second shot, went into the pond and beat the python senseless. "He was a frisky fella," said the wide-eyed Fergie and "he gave me a tussle but I was able to subdue the beast and still get my par. He's a real beauty, the Western Pennsylvanian Python, ain't he?"

New York, NY -- TNT basketball analyst and former NBA star Charles Barkley told yesterday's playoff audience, "Yeah, I basically hate white people."

Network executives laughed off the incident saying, "It was just Charles being Charles." Barkley later commented in a press conference, "I don't want my comments to be taken out of context so let me say what I meant to say, I basically hate white people."

NFL analyst Michael Irvin applauded Barkley for "stating the obvious." Irvin added, "There's nothing worse than having to sit next to a white guy on television and act like you like him." Irvin said, "Most of the time, I just want to reach over and smack some white ass for saying something so white."

Barkley asked reporters, "Who's that white guy that sits across from me? How do these white guys get these announcer jobs?" Barkley did add, "I don't want white people to take this personally, I just don't like'em. And I don't have one of 'em in my Five Faves."

Boston, MA -- The Boston Red Sox reached out to billions of Asians yesterday with their first "Hug An Asian Day."

"We just thought it was time to reach out to our Asian fans with a little special something," said a Red Sox spokesperson. "And to tell you the truth, in five years, we'll all be working for the Chinese so this is a good place to start."

Major League Baseball has been trying to years to keep an ever dwindling fan base but now league owners see the handwriting on the wall. "You've got billions of Asians just itching for something to do," said Bud Selig. "Let's get them out to the ball park and forget about America's pastime," Selig added. Selig observed the field yesterday as three different Asians were hugged, "You know, Asians are very hug-able and they really seem to enjoy being hugged." Selig added, "We make a big mistake when we think that all Asians do is manufacture electronics and work in restaurants. And even if they do, why not give them a hug?"

Chinese diplomat Na Pi Ho said, "It's about time people hugged us. Christ, is it me or do all those Japanese players look alike?"

Cleveland, OH -- In all of the post game celebration after the Cavaliers eliminated the New Jersey Nets from the post-season playoffs, there was some disappointing news for Cavaliers power forward Dwight Gooden.

Gooden found out that he had a large patch of hair growing on the back of his head that just might be "one of those hairy old people's thing." Because of the location doctors believe they can just cut the hair with a razor and Gooden will not miss any playoff action.

"I wish someone had just told me I had a patch of hair growing on the back of my neck," said Gooden. Eventually Gooden found out about the unsightly hair when a teammate asked if "Gooden needed shampoo to clean his patch." An anonymous teammate said, "I was afraid it would be impolite if I asked, 'what the f%^& is that patch of hair on the back of your neck?'"

Gooden explained, "I have seen like hair growing out of crazy places on old people, like their ears and stuff, but I never thought it could happen to me."

Gooden said, "Now that I know I've got a patch of hair on the back of my neck, I can face it. But if you don't know about these kinds of things you just walk around like everything is normal." Doctors said that it's very unusual to see a large patch of hair growing out of any area above the neck unless "we're dealing with an alien or a mole on a old eastern European women." "Fortunately," Doctor Francis Phuzz said, "We got this in time before it got any longer."

San Francisco, CA -- The missing cat of San Francisco Giants outfielder Barry Bonds was found yesterday only a few doors away from the Bonds residence.

"Hulk," the Bonds' family kitty strayed away from their home a week ago and had been the target of a neighborhood wide search. Hundreds of people joined in the support Bonds in his effort to locate the lost animal.

Fortunately the feline turned up at neighbor Victor Conte's house. Conte, a cat lover himself, said, "I just assumed he was a stray and I gave him a little milk. Never did I realize it was Barry's missing Hulk." Bonds said, "I'm just happy to have the little rascal back. He gave us a good scare but he appears in good health after the ordeal he went through."

Once back home, Hulk was in great spirits and everyone chuckled when the playful kitty hid some growth hormone in his litter box.

Jockweb HQ -- Jockweb Worldwide Enterprises CEO and self-pronounced "Dictator for Life", Shecky Sheckstein, issued a communique to all Jockweb staff forbidding any more coverage of the recent Spurs-Suns suspensions.

"No one cares," said Sheckstein, "and there's been just too much f$%^ing coverage of this story." Sheckstein added, "Just suspend the f%^&ing guys and enough already."

If you haven't heard about the incident where Robert Horry gave Suns guard Steve Nash a cheap shot hip check into the boards which resulted in an almost bench clearing brawl which saw Suns' players Amare Stoudemire and Boris Diaw leave the vicinity of the bench which led to their suspensions from Game 6 (along with a two game suspension for Robert Horry) which gave the Spurs a complete gift which enabled them to go up 3-2 in the series which is total bullshit because if you look at it critically the Suns got way more penalized than the Spurs and the Spurs started the whole f%^&ing thing so David Stern is a f%^&ing moron and Suns' fans should just boycott the whole rest of the season and move the team to the CBA next year, so if you haven't heard about this whole thing by now, you won't be reading it here cause Jockweb refuses to add to the already overblown coverage of this incident, you'll just have to read about this somewhere else. Sorry!

Sunset Beach, CA -- An old guy picked up a really, really hot looking young woman yesterday.

Bob Braeburn was able go up the a strange woman on a beach and strike up a conversation and then get her to go out to dinner with him. "I was amazed with myself," say Braeburn. "Seriously, I thought my best days were behind me and now just look at that behind," said the proud Braeburn.

Research shows that most old guys don't have a chance with really hot, looking young women but Braeburn said, "I'm living proof that with enough money and a really good opening line, you can score with women half your age." Several old guys standing near Braeburn at the time of the pickup said they were extremely jealous and frustrated that young hot women do not pay attention to them.

Retired cabdriver Moodhi Sapien said, "I never get young woman, what's the deal? I try opening line, 'want to ride my surfboard?' young woman run away."

Palm Beach, FL -- Race car driver and sometimes pin up sensation Danica Patrick had a slight mishap yesterday afternoon and drove the family car into the backyard pool.

Fortunately a neighbor was able to pull her from the submerged car and there were no injuries except for Danica's wounded pride. Patrick has been trying to re-establish her name on the racing circuit and assert herself as a top driver and she sobbed, "This isn't going to help my image, will it?"

Her husband arrived home from work and was clearly annoyed. "This isn't the first time she's fallen asleep while driving and I have a good mind to take the keys away from her for good. If she wasn't so goddamn hot, I'd do just that but she is hot and I don't want to piss her off or I won't...well you get the idea."

Neighbors say that though Patrick seems flawless at speeds over 180 mph, "she sucks going 35." Patrick did defend herself by saying, "It was only a pool, at least I didn't drive into the ocean."

Yes, Danica is hot and we agree, sometimes, you just have to let these things slide.

Jockweb, HQ -- Jockweb intern Nate Peevy had some good luck, bad luck this week. Peevy has spent the last semester gaining valuable experience at Jockweb headquarters through our "Stay The Hell Out Of The Workforce" program.

The program, now in it's tenth year, takes basically unmotivated youngsters and teaches them the value of delaying entry into the working world as long as possible. Veteran Jockweb writer Fred Collingdale, who supervises the interns, says of the program, "We say, if you have parents with money, take your good old time growing up and this program really gives that type of experience."

Peevy was sent to cover the U. S. Figure Skating Championships a few weeks back and became smitten with skater Sasha Cohen. "I saw her in that movie 'Borat' and I was immediately attracted to her. And to hear she could skate, wow!"

Likewise, Cohen was impressed with Peevy dropping the Jockweb name and the two immediately hit it off. "Next thing you know, I'm doing a double axle with one of the world's top figure skaters." Peevy said however, "She's a very insecure, needy chick. And to tell you the truth, talking about skating gets really dull in about a minute and a half."

"Honest to God," said Peevy, "she was sending me these mixed signals. I want you, I don't want you type of thing. I was confused. If you can believe it, I found myself wanting to hit her in the leg with pipe." Peevy said he did what any guy in a bad relationship would most likely do, "I stopped calling her."

Peevy described the mixed signals scene at Cohen's place as , "Go, no stay, no you'd better go before we..., no stay."

Salt Lake City, UT -- Utah Jazz forward Andrei Kirilenko may be wearing out his welcome with Jazz coach Jerry Sloan.

Sloan was uncharacteristically aggravated in his post-game comments after the Jazz went up 3-1 on the Golden State Warriors. "Kirilenko's hair isn't working for me and it's not working for the Utah Jazz," said a agitated Sloan. "We've coaxed, pleaded, and begged Andrei to plaster down the coif," screamed Sloan, "but either he doesn't understand English or they haven't discovered Brylcreem in Russia."

Players on the Jazz say that Kirilenko's large middle of the head mass of hair is "screwing up vision in the passing lanes." Point guard Deron Williams said, "I've got to get past my man and then try to get a shot over Andrei's hair and it's altering my shot."

Kirilenko mumbled something in Russian about an AK-47 and the locker room cleared.

Colombia, MO -- The first openly gay coach of the University of Missouri men's lacrosse team was told his contract will not be renewed after nine seasons because, "he's gay."

Team leaders and school administrators said Coach Kyle Hawkins completed his first season after publicly coming out as a homosexual. The team finished 6-9 the first losing season at the school.

The team is a club sport and the players said, "This has nothing to do with coach Hawkins' sexuality. We only care about the best man for the job," said team president Richard Simmons. "But if we need a reason to fire someone, 'he's gay' seems okay to me," Simmons added.

Other players chimed in, "His personal life has nothing to do with our team but for chrissakes, he's gay." Players say Hawkins was a great coach, who really knew his x's and o's and "there not the kissing and hugging x's and o's we're talking about but our coach is openly gay."

"You don't think this 6-9 record has a sexual connotation?" one player asked. "What did he mean by 'I like your stick work?" another asked.

Jockweb HQ -- Summer is here and summertime means swimming and swimming means fun. And Jockweb's water safety expert and publication consultant Koshi Yammahurchi has issued his 2007 edition of "Why Is The Water Warmer Where You're Standing?: A Guide to Fun and Safety in the Water." You'll want to grab your own copy at your swim club, beach supply store or sporting goods establishment.

The publication, now in it's 29th year, is full of great water safety tips for the whole family and a must read for those who want to maximize summer fun while keeping drowning to a minimum. Yammahurchi gained his reputation as one of the greatest swim teachers of all time while working as the cabana boy at the Jockweb Aquatic Center and Adult Bookstore.

"One thing about summertime and water is for sure," he writes, "you've got to deal with old ladies who don't want to get their hair wet." He goes on to say, "In order to have any fun whatsoever, it it imperative that you strategize how to get the old farts out of the pool." He recommends, "You can do the old cannonball splash to clear the pool but then you'll have to listen to a lot of whining for the rest of the afternoon." He adds, "Old women to these lame trunk twists in the water and call it exercise. You want to clear them out as quickly as possible. The best way to clear a pool of seniors is with a McDonald's coupon. Give them an Egg McMuffin for half-price and you'll get your lap lane back."

Yammuhurchi concludes, "It is absolutely essential if you want to have any fun in the water, that we must get the old folks in for a nap. Not only are they a pain in the ass but those super absorbent adult diapers seriously impact the pool's water level."

Potomac, MD -- Several employees and subjects at the Gatorade Research Institute have gone to police with reports about inhumane treatment in the name of hydration science.

Allegedly, subjects have been forced to drink massive quantities of the famous sports liquid without being able to relieve themselves of a full bladder. Anonymous sources have said that the Institute director, Dr. Heinrich Kirk, is obsessed with discovering the CBP. The CBP or "critical bladder point," is the elusive measurement when a bladder explodes. Kirk has been notorious in his chase for the CBP.

One researcher said, "He won't stop until he explodes a bladder, and he'll stop at nothing until he's satisfied."

In recent years Americans have become obsessed with hydration and scientist hypothesize that an eight ounce bladder, even stretching to twelve ounces, will eventually explode if subjected to constant liquid pressure.

One woman said that she drank 8 64-oz. "Glacier Gushers" and "they cranked up the treadmill to about 13." She said, "I'm running at top speed with a full bladder and a shitload of wires attached all over my body. I thought my bladder would explode but it didn't." She continued, "This made Dr. Kirk even more angry and determined and then he forced me to drink 4 more. My bladder never did explode but I wet my pants and received a nasty electrical shock."

"This is not the first report of subject abuse by Heinrich Kirk," explained Detective Manny Trillo. "For years Kirk conducted brutal hydration experiments for the CIA." Over-hydration to the point of bladder explosion has baffled scientists for years. "There's a Nobel Prize out there for some guy who can prove that we're just drinking too many goddamn fluids," said Trillo.

Norfolk, VA -- Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick has put his Virginia home on the market, the same home where officials said they found evidence of a dog-fighting ring.

Heidi Fliss, a local real estate agent, told reporters that the two story brick house "is a steal." She explained, "Michael is so easy to work with as a client. He so gosh darn sentimental, he just said to me, 'Heidi find someone who can make a house a home.'"

Fliss said the house is in "move in condition." Vick is asking $350,000 for the property and he said, "I'll throw in the attack dogs for a couple of hundred." Fliss added, "Literally, you can back up the van to the door, unload your things, and begin the dog fighting the same day."

Several people were attacked during the open house but Fliss said no one was severely injured. Vick said, "You know how dogs get when they're around new people. A couple of the dogs got overly excited and lock jawed a few arms and legs."

Fliss smiled and said, "But that's what make being a real estate agent so much fun. It's so rewarding bringing together buyer and seller."

Even the local mailman said, "I'm going to miss delivering mail to Michael Vick's house but this is one sweet buy."

Pittsburgh, PA -- A member of the Pittsburgh Steelers practice squad was arrested and jailed in Pittsburgh for a fugitive warrant issued in Las Vegas for allegedly "pimping."

Richard Seigler was accused by authorities of persuading a woman to become a prostitute, paying for her plane ticket from Spokane, Wash., to Las Vegas where she engaged in prostitution, and taking all of her earnings.

A "pimp" finds and manages clients for prostitutes and engaged them in prostitution in order to profit from their earnings. Seigler expressed surprise at his arrest. "Wow, really? That's illegal? You're kidding me, pimping's against the law? Well golly gee, now that I know, I won't be doing anymore of that."

Seigler asked, "Does this mean I can't get the plane ticket money back? I did put the girl in business class where they give you extra peanuts."

Several Steeler players were both surprised and disappointed at Seigler's arrest. "We're gonna miss have him around," said one linebacker. "It was really convenient having Richard around." He added, "Sometimes after a tough game, you just want a ho, and with Richard in the locker room, you could get a nice one."

If you're driving a car like this, chances are you are pimping. To avoid being arrested, trade the car in, buy a Saturn.

San Francisco, CA -- In all of his years around the game of baseball, former major league star Rickey Henderson never caught a foul ball at a baseball game. That was until the other night.

Henderson was a spectator at a San Francisco Giants game on Wednesday evening when a foul ball came to the section he was sitting. Unfortunately for Henderson, he's lost a step since his All-Star days, and 8 year old Teddy Krumper beat Henderson to the ball. Witnesses say that Henderson began to tear up and began crying, saying, "I bring my glove to every game and I never get a ball."

Krumper was unmoved by Henderson's display of emotion. He responded, "Tough turds Rickey, you still living off that fat contract you signed when you were 39." And argument ensued between Krump and Henderson that ended when Henderson took the ball from Krumper and ran away screaming, "Nah Nih Nah Nih Nah Nah!"

After the game, Mr. Krumper called Mr. Henderson (Rickey's Dad) and told him what happened at the game. Mr. Henderson supposedly said, "That doesn't sound like my Rickey but I'll have a talk with the boy." Later Mr. Henderson called Mr. Krump and said, "I assure you Rickey will be punished and I intend to ground him for the weekend."

Later Mr. Henderson took Rickey over to Teddy's house and he had to apologize and give Teddy the ball back. "I think Rickey learned a valuable lesson today," said Mr. Henderson. "Didn't you, Rickey?" asked Mr. Henderson. "F$%^ you, Dad," was all Rickey could muster through his tears.

Mr. Krumper missed the ball, it fell into Teddy's hands and then Henderson reached across and stole it.

Baltimore, MD -- When Rick Dempsey began apologizing for attempting to crack a joke about domestic violence, little did he know that feminists groups across the country would rally to his side.

Dempsey, a former Baltimore Oriole catcher and current O's broadcaster, joked about domestic violence on the air during a telecast of a game on Saturday. During the third inning, Dempsey and play-by-play man Gary Thorne were in the booth with Laura Giuliani, the wife of Orioles leftfielder Jay Gibbons. Giuliani was promoting a fundraiser to help fight domestic violence. Gibbons, a .213 hitter, became the butt of Dempsey's joke.

"Laura, will this kind of help Jay in the domestic violence area? If he doesn't start getting a few more hits, you might grab him around the neck and rough him up a bit," Dempsey said, according to a Baltimore newspaper.

Dempsey, immediately apologized under pressure from the O's public relations folks. But it was all premature. Thousands of feminists from across the country have arrived in Baltimore for "Support Rick Dempsey Day."

Muriel Eidunbelevitch, author of "Don't Marry A F%^*ing Man," said, "Hey come on now, we might be feminists but we've got a sense of humor. Rick Dempsey is a crack-up and feminist love his knucklehead wisecracking." She added, "I'd choke Rick Dempsey any day of the week...just kidding!."

Dempsey said, "Domestic violence is nothing to joke about, but hey, since I've got the green light, how many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?"

Eidunbelevitch commented, "Hey I may be a radical feminist but I like a good joke as much as the next girl."

Savannah, GA -- A New York Mets minor league pitcher was suspended of 100 games for injecting a teammate in the buttocks with a steroid shot. In addition the American Medical Association said the pitcher would no longer be able to prescribe medicines.

Jorge Reyes, a native of the Dominican Republic injected teammate Waner Mateo with a combination shot of vitamin B12 and the steroid Nandrolone. Mateo explained th MLB officials, "I thought he was a real doctor who just had a good slider." He added, "I guess I should have been suspicious when he asked to check my prostate seventeen days in a row."

"We kind of strict about minor league pitchers prescribing drugs," said Dr. Len Fubula of the AMA. "We don't mind if they want to perform physical exams on each other but doctors make the big money because of those little prescription pads."

Several players came forward and said they fell victim to Reyes' doctor disguise. One player asked, "He performed a vasectomy on me. Do you think I should chance it?"

Several other Mets minor leaguers performed heart transplant surgery without being real doctors.

New York, NY -- The agent for Roger Clemens announced today that the star pitcher, who recently inked "one of those insane hundred million dollar contracts," actually will only be available to pitch several minutes a week.

"The contract is very specific," said a Yankee spokesperson. Clemens has spelled out exactly where and when the Yankees can use him. According to sources close to the situation, Clemens can pitch on "every third Sunday from 11:42 pm until 3:16 am, Mondays through Wednesday he is available from 6:23 am until 7:51 am. The rest of the day of the week, the Yankees must give him a two week notice and then at least 6 working days for him to arrive at the park.

"I think I can still help them win," said Clemens. "If they're serious about winning a World Series, they're going to have to do some schedule juggling." Manager Joe Torre said, "We're in great shape if we get into a 22 inning game that goes into early morning. We're confident Roger can still come in and put the fire out."

Clemens is slated to throw two pitches on June 23 at 4:18 pm. "The plan is, we'll see how I feel," he explained. "And," he added, "if all goes well, I could come back a moment or two in August."

No one seemed to care that Jose Canseco is available Sunday through Sunday, 24 hours a day.

New York, NY -- It was all glitz and glamour last night at the annual Jockweb "Worser" awards held in the posh 57th St. Hotel and Drug Rehabilitation Facility.

This year's winner for the "Worst Ever" award was filmmaker and avid New York Knicks fan Spike Lee. Jockweb CEO Shecky Sheckstein said in his presentation, "Spike is the epitome of what this award is all about. Tonight he's the 'Worst Ever.' "

The "Worser" awards are named after deceased Jockweb reporter Brad Worst, who when alive, was all around, the worst guy you'd want to hang around with. Sheckstein remembered Worst in his remarks saying, "We'd used to say, hanging around with Brad was worse than getting an enema. Brad had the worst breath, he was the worst writer, and just was generally the worst guy I've ever known. And he'd be proud of tonight's selection."

Past winners include, Rosie O'Donnell, Tom Cruise, Jerry Springer, and Julio Inglesis. O'Donnell remarked, "Winning the 'Worst Ever' award was maybe the biggest non-event of my career and I'm forever grateful to Shecky and my friends at Jockweb."

Lee said in his acceptance remarks that "it's a disgrace that it took this long for Jockweb to select a person of color." However he did say, "I think it was brave for Sheckstein to finally realize that the time had come." Since Lee has been a Knick fan, they have not won an NBA title. "I'd like to think I had something to do with that," added Lee.

Gulfport, MS -- Three-time boxing champion Hector "Macho" Camacho was sent to jail yesterday after pleading guilty to burglary stemming from and incident in a computer store.

Camacho is accused of stealing computers and drug possession and could face seven years in jail. "Macho" said he had bought a laptop from the computer store and accidentally left it there. He claims he broke into the store to retrieve his computer. The owners of the store, Mr. and Mrs. Solomon and Samantha Doe, said Camacho fell through the ceiling, cut himself, and urinated inside the office before taking seven laptops and $5,600 in checks and cash.

"You can take the money, you can take the computers, but whizzin' in my store?" Doe complained. Mrs. Doe said, "There's nothing worse than somebody whizzin' in your store. We've tried everything from Lysol to tomato juice but we can't lose the smell of 'Macho' piss."

The Does have called in several sanitary witnesses who testified that "it is extremely difficult to get rid of that piss smell once someone has pissed in your store." Ralph Yellow, a long-time latrine expert told the court, "And whenever it's damp or it rains, there's something about piss, that just never goes away."

Solomon Doe said, "We just hope Hector has learned his lesson. He can never repay his debt to society for what he has done to us but for God's sake, please don't piss randomly in public. I've smelled a lot of bad piss in my day but let me tell you, "Macho" piss laced with ecstasy, will be with me forever."

New York, NY -- A drunken 300+ lb. man has struck again, falling on a 120 lb. woman at Mets' Shea Stadium.

This the tenth time that a woman has been crushed by a drunken, large man this season. NYPD detectives say they are very concerned that they have a "serial drunken fat guy" on the loose, "who can strike again at any moment."

Ellen Puney, the latest victim, was able to speak from her hospital bed. She explained, "I was sitting watching the Mets - Phillies game when all of a sudden a huge, drunken guy fell on me crushing several ribs." Puney described the drunken man as "hostile and angry because his ribs fell on ground and he had barbecue sauce smeared all over his clothing."

"This guy is large and he's drunk most of the time and he can fall on any one at any time," said Inspector Hank Colorie.

FBI profilers have described the man as "most likely fat and drunk and he falls a lot. And if you're near him when he falls, you oughta get the hell out of the way."

Puney said, "I'm having a problem now with recurring nightmares of other large, fat drunken men falling on me. Oh and by the way, I'm suing anyone associated with Mets baseball."

And in the interest of public safety, stay out the way of these two if they've been drinking.

Washington, DC -- In an effort to revive the dying sport of boxing the House of Representatives voted 303 to 2 on a bill that would make boxing relevant again.

In the wake of the De La Hoya - Mayweather fight, Rep. Fred Fricker said it was his congressional duty to legislate a solution to "over-hyped, paint drying pugilistic masturbation."

Congressman Fricker, the bill's sponsor, said, "Let's revive this dying sport and make it relevant again." Several congressmen said they believe it was time to step in and "revive this dying sport and make it relevant again."

Critics have been saying for years, "boxing is no longer relevant, in fact it may be dying." "Therefore," said Fricker, "We'd like to take billions of dollars of borrowed money, extend the national debt by twenty or so more zeros and really make boxing a national priority."

"Remember the good old days?" asked Fricker. "Remember when two big fat slow heavyweights would stand in the middle of the ring and hold on to one another for twelve rounds and then the judges would declare a tie?" He continued, "That's the kind of irrelevance that Americans want relevant again."

Oakland, CA -- Oakland Raiders defensive lineman Warren Sapp arrived at this weekend's mini-camp in what he said, "is the best shape I've ever been in."

Rumors have circulated around the NFL that Sapp has been fighting an eating disorder and the hefty tackle did not back away from the allegations. "It's true, I am an anorexic but I'm living proof you can overcome an eating disorder by eating."

Sapp said that he had visited thousands of doctors seeking help but no one could provide him with answers. "I finally visited Dr. Howard Johnsons and it was there I unlocked the secret." Sapp said the most anorexics do not feel like eating but the secret lies in eating. "The only way to stop not eating is by eating," explained Sapp.

"Like if you're at a restaurant and you say something like, 'No I'm not hungry' then that probably means you're an anorexic. But if you say something like 'Holy Shit, I feel like eating a f%^&in cow,' then you're on the road to recovery."

Sapp said he plans to put name and resources behind helping others to "eat until their fat asses are full."