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LETTER FROM READER TAKES OFFENSE AT ROMO-OWENS ARTICLE

Occasionally a Jockweb reader will write to us and offer feedback or an opinion about a topic or article posted on our site. Just today, we received one such response and we want to share it with you:

Dear Jockweb,

"WE'VE GOT PLENTY TO KEEP US BUSY IN THE OFF-SEASON," SAYS ROMO

Irving, TX -- If anyone was worried whether or not the Writers Guild strike would dampen the quality of the national entertainment scene, think again.

Independent movie producers have stepped up to fill the void left by the work stoppage in Hollywood. And nothing will spell entertainment more than the Terrell Owens-Tony Romo pairing in "Brokeback Mountain 2." The sequel to the very popular Brokeback Mountain will continue the theme of forbidden but passionate love between two Cowboys.

Owens said his part in the movie was not hard to play because, "I like to receive, if you know what I'm saying." Romo for his part said, "I know the audience thinks I'm a choker but in this film (even with a receiver the size of Owens), I get past the choking. It's some of my best work."

Jessica Simpson has a small cameo as Romo's ex-girlfriend, who returns from a Mexican vacation only to find her boyfriend in the arms of another man. At the climax of Act 2, Simpson exclaims to Romo as she finds him with Owens, "You're not going to put that..." (we don't want to ruin the surprise for you so just run out and see the movie).

We just want to applaud the makers of this film for their creativity and excellent casting choices.

TONY SOPRANO TAKES OVER DOLPHINS; CAM CAMERON MISSING

Newark, NJ -- The Miami Dolphins announced yesterday that Tony Soprano will take over head coaching duties immediately.

The announcement came in light of the fact the former head coach Cam Cameron has been reported missing for several days. "It's possible that Cam might have been kidnapped and is being held for ransom or maybe he was just murdered," said new Dolphins GM Bill Parcells. "Either way after going 1-15, he deserves whatever he gets."

Soprano has no coaching experience but has been seen hanging around the Rutgers program for several years. Soprano said, "I know how to motivate people. All you need is a good baseball bat."

Police say that Cameron was lured to a highway rest stop on the New Jersey Turnpike. Before he disappearance, Cameron called his wife on his cell phone saying he had an interview for the New York Jets job. Cameron's wife asked, "Will I get the money from the two years left on the Dolphin contract?" Investigators searched a landfill near the Meadowlands and ironically found a discarded water pipe owned by Ricky Williams.

Will they ever find Cam Cameron?

NORM CHOW RELIEVED

Nashville, TN -- Long time offensive coach and developer of NFL quarterbacks Norm Chow was let go yesterday by the Tennessee Titans.

Titans coach Jeff Fisher confirmed the firing in a short statement saying, "Hey asshole, you're fired." Fisher later explained his comment by adding, "Basically, we're firing him."

Chow made his reputation as an offensive genius by developing young quarterbacks into NFL greats. His pupils include Carson Palmer, Phillip Rivers, Jim McMahon, and Steve Young. Fisher had hoped that Chow could work his magic with young Vince Young. "Hey that sounds funny, doesn't it?" asked Fisher. "Young Vince Young...aren't words fun?" he chuckled.

Sadly it was Fisher's words that ultimately brought down Chow. Chow explained that Fisher constantly made jokes about his name. "He'd say things like, 'Hey Norm, let's go get some Chow or Hey Norm, do you eat dog chow or Hey Norm, in Spain when they say goodbye they say Chow," said a dejected Chow. "I have feelings you know and it hurts deeply when the head coach makes fun of you," sobbed the 60 something coach.

Fisher could only joke, "Well I guess that means there's going to be more Chow for the rest us now that Norm's gone."

Here's a picture of one Chow trying to hump another Chow. Looks like someone has a headache.

ROMO TO UNDERGO LUMPECTOMY 

DALLAS, TX  - Minutes after the playoff loss to the Giants, Tony Romo was examined after complaints of choking. "I can't swallow," screamed Romo.

Doctors soon discovered a giant lump which restricted his breathing and adversely effected his performance.

 "I've never seen such choking," said a disappointed Cowboys owner, Jerry Jones.  "He'll, I could tell by the 4th quarter he had a giant lump in his throat and I'm not a doctor."

Team doctor Dr. Micheala (Mike) Quinn, Medicine Woman, was quick to point out that this condition, while not life threatening, may be chronic.  "I think we may have seen the same thing last year, but it went misdiagnosed,"  said actress Jane Seymour who portrayed Dr. Quinn in the 1992 through 1996 CBS television seasons.  "We'll take care of it now, but it's something that may come back each January," she added. Romo's surgery is schedule for Thursday morning.

Mr. Romo was weeping like a little girl and was unable to be reached for comment.

The Cowboys plan to train Romo to signal the bench at the first sign of problems.

WADE PHILLIPS FORCED UNDERGROUND AFTER DEATH THREATS

Irving, TX -- Dallas Cowboys coach Wade Phillips spoke anonymously to reporters today from an undisclosed location after his team lost yesterday's playoff game to the New York Giants.

"We're not taking any chances," said Dallas Police Chief Buddy Oldbuddy. "There's a lot of crack pots out there and a lot of real idiots and most of the crack pots and idiots live in Texas," added Oldbuddy. "Though Wade Phillips deserves to be hung or shot or maybe just tortured a little, as Police Chief it's my duty to bring him back next year and break the fans' hearts all over again."

The dejected Phillips took full responsibility for the loss but added, "My Daddy Bum bears some of the responsibility cause he had me, along with my mama, Bumette Phillips." Phillips will wear a disguise until, "all this hostility dies down." "Maybe I ought to emigrate to Mexico," chided Phillips.

Cowboy owner Jerry Jones said, "Well at least I got the best looking cheerleading squad to look at in the off-season and I'm five years younger than Hugh Hefner."

Phillips, here in his disguise, was seen scaling a fence near San Antonio trying to sneak into Guadalajara.

BAKEY STUNS TABLE TENNIS WORLD

Philadelphia, PA -- There are a lot of people who wrote off Mildred Bakey as a has been, a non-factor, an old haggard bitch but someone forgot to tell her.

Bakey, an 82-year-old retired steelworker from Pittsburgh, surprised the entire table tennis establishment this weekend when she cruised through the Olympic trials in Philadelphia. Bakey wiped up the floor with Chinese-American hopeful Wen Phat Farm.

Farm was the clear favorite and seemed to be on top of his game until he faced Bakey. Engaging in mental gamesmanship, Farm tried distracting Bakey by placing a box of Depends on the table before the match. "That really irked me," said Bakey, "but it did remind me to go empty my bladder which was key during the match."

Bakey dominated with her unusual mixture of slowness and slight taps. Farm could never adjust to the slow speed of the game. Throughout the match Farm was off-balance slamming the ball at Bakey while she calmly just nudged the ball back over the net. Farm grew increasing frustrated and several times cursed in his native Chinese but no one present knew any Chinese so the exact curses cannot be reported.

After the match, Bakey offered Farm some of her famous homemade chocolate chip cookies with a glass of milk. "She's a classy gal," said veteran table tennis reporter Sal Fritter. Fritter added, "After the diaper incident, she's able to gather herself, go to the bathroom, come back, destroy the top seeded player in the tournament, and bake cookies...amazing!"

Bakey, a retired crane operator for U.S. Steel, said later, "Oh my, I think I just had some gas."

PATRIOTS STILL CHEATING

Foxboro, MA -- The National Football League head of security announced yesterday that the New England Patriots "are still cheating their asses off."

The announcement came after the front office recovered destroyed tapes in a landfill outside of Boston. Hank Fernbean, an NFL investigator said, "Looking for a destroyed tape in a landfill is a really shitty job." Fernbean said before finding the tape he found "about ten thousand dirty diapers and eight old Jane Fonda workout videos on VHS."

Finally after a three day search the tapes were found and after some nifty computer wizardry the security folks were able to piece together the tape of the Patriots-Giants finale. The Patriots were able to beat the Giants on the day of the season to preserve their undefeated season.

The tape revealed that every time Tom Coughlin put both hands in his pocket, he smiled. "Something was going on with Tom Coughlin and every time he put his hands in his pants he seemed to lose interest in the game," said Fernbean. He added, "Come to think of it, every time I put my hands in my pants, I lose interest in the game." "Nonetheless," said Fernbean, "Belichick was taping again." The NFL is accusing the Patriots of installing cameras inside of fans and then placing the fans in strategic places to intercept the opposing team's sideline signals.

Coughlin later said, "Let's forget the whole thing. The was the first time I smiled in years."

 Patriots fan Ray Marshall had a camera installed in his esophogus. Marshall belched loudly and the Patriots were able to install a hefty nickel package against Eli Manning.

GOLF CHANNEL ANCHOR SUSPENDED

Tupelo, MS -- The Golf Channel, no stranger to controversy, suspended anchorwoman Kelly Tilghman for two weeks for saying the young players who want to challenge Tiger Woods should, "lynch him in a back alley."

Tilghman made the gaffe during an exchange with fellow golf analyst Nick Faldo and later said, "I didn't mean lynching like lynching I meant like Lynching like John Lynching or George Lynching." Later Tilghmnan said, "I guess a lynching is a lynching huh?" The Reverend Al Sharpton said, "I ain't ever heard of a John Lynching but I'm sure John Lynching involves a rope."

The Ku Klux Klan weighed in saying, "Ain't Kelly Tilghman a Grand Wizard or something? Let's sure as hell make her one." The Klan said they would begin making plans to host the golf tournament, the Mississippi Open. One grand dragon Billy Ray Ray Bob Ray said, "We could put a big burning cross on a green and anyone who hits in two gets a birdie." Ray said, "Shit, I ain't ever played no golf but I sure as shit gonna like to hit a ball and do some lynching."

Tiger Woods asked everyone to lighten up but then added, "I don't mean lighten up lighten up, I mean like lighten up like can't we just laugh it off?"

Tilghman also recommended that we should just put a lot of old useless folks to death. "Christ, these old people are just taking up a lot of space on the course and playing too goddamn slow."

SIR HILLARY DIES; CLINTON PREMATURELY CELEBRATES

New York, NY -- Famed mountain climber and explorer Sir Edmund Hillary passed away peacefully at the age of 88 yesterday near his home in Wellington, New Zealand.

Hillary with his Sherpa guide, Tenzing Norgay, won worldwide acclaim in 1953 when the two became the first humans to scale the 29,035-foot summit of Mount Everest. The feat went into the annals of history and ranks high with other great human achievements like the Charles Lindbergh's crossing of the Atlantic Ocean and Roald Amundson's trek to the South Pole.

Former President Bill Clinton exclaimed, "Hillary's dead? Wow, great f%^&ing news!" Clinton quickly added, "I've got some things to do so let me get to it." Clinton immediately had sex with 38 women and allowed several transvestites to perform oral sex on him. "Transvestites need love too," said the former chief executive.

Later, Clinton learned that it was indeed Sir Edmund Hillary who passed away and not his wife, New York Senator Hilary Clinton. Clinton apologized for his hasty actions, looked straight into a camera and said, "I did not have sex with Ellen Degeneres." Clinton said he did not believe that Sir Hillary's ascent to the top of the Himalaya Mountains was "that big a deal," but he added, "I'm interested in Himalaya or Heralaya and if I got the chance, I'd love to mount Everest, whoever she is."

After mistaking Sir Edmund Hillary's death with his wife's, Clinton immediately attended a basketball game where he tried to have sex with the entire cheerleading squad.

METS HIRE NEW BASE COACH

New York, NY -- The New York Mets have been busy this off season trying to figure out how their 2007 historic collapse could be avoided in 2008.

Mets manager Willie Randolph said yesterday, "We're rethinking this whole baseball thing and everything is on the table." Randolph could not specifically identify everything on the table but did announce, "I've got a new third base coach who's going to knock your socks off." Angela Hernandez, from the Bronx, has been hired by the Mets as their new third base coach.

Hernandez has no previous baseball experience but Randolph commented, "With a name like Hernandez she's got baseball in her somewhere." Angela told reporters, "I sure I coach 3rd base good. Give a few fingers and scratch my crotch. Anything else?"

Mets outfielder Carlos Beltran said, "You're going to see a lot of guys get to third base this year. I'll be going in head first with both hands out in front of me."

Randolph added, "Am I a genius or what?"

Mets' new 3rd base coach, Angie Hernandez. Who's injecting steroids in her ass?

BECKHAM AUDITIONS POSH REPLACEMENTS

Los Angeles, CA -- MSL and world soccer superstar David Beckham held auditions yesterday in the Los Angeles Hilton to find a replacement for his deposed wife, Posh Spice Beckham.

Posh Beckham, one of the Spice Girls, was named by Mr. Blackstone as one of the 10 worst dressed women in the world. Blackstone commented, "Sometimes when a woman dresses badly she's really saying to you, 'take my clothes off of me, quick.'" Blackstone added from his jail cell after he forcefully tried to strip a poorly dressed woman, "Maybe not."

Beckham met and greeted over 2,500 women, who camped out for several days trying to be the next Mrs. David Beckham. "He can bend me anyway he wants," said one woman panting heavily.

Beckham said that he decided to leave Posh after she repeatedly ignored his request to stop using his "Old Spice" stick. "I just got tired of the long curly hairs in my deodorant," said Beckham.

Beckham contemplates, "Better natural rack...but oooo bad face."

CLEMENS CLAIMS McNAMEE, "WAS SHAVING MY ASS!"

Houston, TX -- MLB great Roger Clemens emphatically denied trainer Brian McNamee injected him with steroids but did admit, "I let him shave my ass off and on for several years."

McNamee admitted through his attorney, "Yes, Roger has one of those really hairy asses and yes, he did ask me to shave it on a regular basis." Clemens said, "My ass is so hairy you couldn't penetrate it with a needle so believe me when I tell you, Brian is lying."

Clemens called McNamee on the phone yesterday and pleaded with him, "Please Brian, tell all of America you were shaving my ass." At first McNamee hesitated asking Clemens, "Who's listening to this conversation and what will people think of me if I admit to shaving your ass?" Clemens reassured McNamee that, "I promise, to tell everyone that it was my idea to shave my ass because my big hairy ass makes me very self-conscious." McNamee replied, "That sure is one hairy ass you have there Roger." Clemens then said, "Genetics is funny that way isn't it...some men have hardly any hair on their ass while a guy like me looks like the hind quarter of a sheep." McNamee then asked Clemens, "Do you want me to shave you ass again and maybe make a sweater out of the hair?" Clemens replied, "Seeing it's after Christmas, I really don't have any gifts to give anyone so who'd want a sweater made out of my ass hair?"

McNamee concluded the conversation by saying, "Thanks a lot for nothing. Now my name's all over the country as the guy who was playing around with Roger Clemens' ass." Clemens promised, "Stick with me kid through this and I'll let you shave my rocket."

Clemens asked skeptics, "Would you have someone shave your ass too?"

ALI LOU YA, WE'RE FINALLY BACK IN BUSINESS!

TO ALL OF OUR JOCKWEB LOYALISTS! FINALLY AFTER WEEKS OF SQUABBLING, NEGOTIATIONS, AND DEATH THREATS, WE HAVE STRAIGHTENED OUT OUR INTERNET PROVIDER DIFFICULTIES. WE ARE NOW WITH A NEW SERVICE AND WE'LL BE BACK TO BRINGING WITTY AND SNAPPY REPARTEE. CURRENTLY WE'VE BEEN SLEEPING LATE DUE TO THE GENERAL MALAISE THAT HAS AFFECTED THE ENTIRE JOCKWEB OPERATION. WE WILL BE UP AND RUNNING AGAIN SO TELL YOUR FRIENDS, RELATIVES, NEIGHBORS, CO-WORKERS, STRANGERS ON THE STREET THAT THEY SHOULD IMMEDIATELY BEGIN LOGGING INTO OUR SITE.

SINCERELY, (REALLY WE MEAN IT, WE'RE SINCERE WHEN WE SAY WE'RE GLAD YOU'RE COMING BACK TO US, WE'RE VERY HONEST WHEN WE TELL YOU THAT WE MISSED EACH AND EVERYONE OF YOU SO IF YOU DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS OR ANY ONE WHO GENUINELY CARES FOR YOU THEN...WE GUESS YOU'RE SORT OF SCREWED BECAUSE WE'RE ONLY AN INTERNET SIGHT AND IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR REAL FRIENDSHIP THEN YOU'VE GOT TO GO TO A SITE THAT TAKES CREDIT CARD PAYMENT IN EXCHANGE FOR FILTHY IMAGES AND WE'RE NOTHING BUT A WHOLESOME SITE THAT EVEN YOUR MOTHER WOULD LIKE).

THE JOCKWEB MANAGERIAL STAFF

MITCHELL REPORT FINGERS HARMON KILLEBREW

Minneapolis, MN -- Senator George Mitchell announced yesterday that he has definitive proof that former Minnesota Twins slugger Harmon Killebrew, used steroids as recently as Tuesday.

Killebrew last took the field at third base for the Twins in 1966 but according to the Mitchell report Killebrew had friends and relatives inject him for the last fourty-years "just so I could feel a part of baseball." The former slugger who hit over 500 career home runs said, "Christ, I feel so strong at 74, I could probably lift Queen Latifah."

The Hall of Famer did not deny the allegations and went so far as to volunteer to "drop my pants so you can see the track marks on my ass." Mitchell announced a special behind close doors session where the committee was able to see the needles spots where the steroids were injected into Killebrew's butt.

Mitchell commented, "What the committee was able to see was a 74-year old ass and from this it's become very clear to me that maybe we oughta wrap this whole steroid thing up and move on."

Killebrew, known for unpredictable bouts of rage and anger said, "Who do you think you're looking at f%^& face?"

WADE PHILLIPS STEALS JESSICA SIMPSON FROM TONY ROMO

Irving, TX -- In the wake of the "distraction" incident involving actress/singer Jessica Simpson and Dallas Cowboys' quarterback Tony Romo, head coach Wade Phillips announced, "I own Jessica Simpson."

The shocking news rocked the laid back Texas town but observers say that Phillips had been plotting for weeks to steal Simpson from Romo. Phillips defended his actions by explaining, "A quarterback can't have a physical relationship with a woman and play quarterback so as a coach I'm only stepping in to help the team."

Simpson and Phillips were seen leaving Texas Stadium arm in arm and Phillips arrived to yesterday's practice with some questionable purple marks on his neck. "She's a frisky one," beamed Phillips and he added, "I ain't no docile milquetoast neither." Romo was said to be despondent but did say, "I'll just get another starlet, give me a day or two."

Romo added, "Last year Parcells was snaking Carrie Underwood from me and now this? What is it with these fat, old football coaches that make hot chicks go nuts?"

Simpson said, "There's enough of Wade for me and Ashlee."

JOCKWEB RETURNS AFTER FORCED HIATUS!

Jockweb, HQ -- After an almost two week forced shutdown, the Jockweb cyber presses began rolling just after 2am on Tuesday morning.

Jockweb CEO and global political strategist Shecky Sheckstein announced that the temporary layoff is officially over. The popular sports satire site began experiencing technical difficulties with it's hosting company IPower Web. IPower Web decided to upgrade the service to a new platform but unfortunately they lost all Jockweb data. To make matters worse,  Sheckstein explained, "They were unresponsive and inept and these are people I'll search out in a dark alley."

Internet observers say that Jockweb lost potentially 7 billion dollars in revenue because of the technical faux paus. Sheckstein said, "Yeah, like we'll ever see a cent from these f^&*ing guys." Sheckstein gathered the Jockweb troops and delivered an impassioned speech telling employees, "We got to get our readership back, whatever it takes." One employee suggested that Jockweb give out cash or expensive holiday gifts to all of it's readers. Sheckstein scoffed at the idea saying, "I didn't mean 'Whatever it takes' literally."

"Alright," Sheckstein screamed, "put the donuts down, and start writing bad sports satire!"

CHINA BEGINS CHEERLEADER TRAINING

Beijing, China -- Chinese government officials have embarked on an intensive program to develop uniformity among their native fan base by having spectators learn and use on approved cheers and chants for next year's Beijing Olympics.

A government official explained that the Communist Party wants to show the world, "We whoop it up and we whoop it up good." Zhang Xi, a 21-year-old Communist Youth League member told Jockweb that, "It's like this, we got a billion f^&*ing people crammed into this country and they don't know squat about anything but pork-fried rice. We're having a crash course in not looking like morons for hosting the Olympics."

According to China's bible, the Chairman Mao's Redbook, "It is the duty of every Chinese person to cheer their f%^&ing heart out like they know what's going on." Mao implores his countrymen on page 75 paragraph 3 "to cheer like those really hot looking Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders."

Ironically, even after his death over 40 years ago, Mao's cheerleading legacy is still alive. "Mao was one hellava cheerleader himself," said Chinese historian Dr. Iams Hunderware. He explained, "A lot of folks don't know that Mao gave us a ton of really good cheers, like Zhongguo, Zhongguo--ha, ha, ha, Zhongguo, Zhongguo bi sheng which roughly translated means, China, China we got more people than you and you're all going to be working for us someday." Hunderware in his book, "Mao The Great Cheerleader," chronicles Mao rise from a lowly peasant to the captain of a high kicking line. "Mao had great legs," said Hunderware, "and in some hot pants, he could turn some heads."

Chinese cheerleading legend, Chairman Mao Tse Tung captaining the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader in 1973.

MR. MET FINALLY LANDS JOB

New York, NY -- The lovable, cute and unemployed Mr. Met finally had cause to celebrate today after learning he has landed a job in the current White House Administration.

The mascot faced severe depression after the Mets' classic collapse in October and then just spiraled out of control for the next two months. "I was drinking, taking prozac, freebasing crack, and injecting Orange Drink 'Tang' into my veins," explained Mr. Met. "But fortunately, people were supportive and said things like, 'Christ you're a big, baseball head, how can you snort anything without a real nose?" he explained.

Secretary of State Condolezza Rice reached out to Mr. Met after watching a teary interview with Barbara Walters and Brittany Spears. Rice said, "I certainly didn't feel like reaching out to Brittany Spears and besides, it's extremely difficult for a baseball head to complete a 12-step program without role models." The first thing Rice did was introduce Mr. Met to the President of the United States. "I wanted to let Mr. Met see that he may be bad off but he's not that bad off."

Bush and Mr. Met hit it off immediately and President Bush assigned Mr. Met to negotiate a settlement in the Middle East. "Mr. Met is a great American and he deals with all kinds of crazy wackos at the ball park. So he's gonna feel right at home working a deal between the Palestinians and the Israelis."

Mr. Met met with reporters and emphatically stated, "There's going to have to be some compromise on both sides but can you believe a guy with a baseball head is running the Middle East peace process?"

Condi Rice altering the course of her legacy.

STERN, NBA WATCHING REFS CLOSELY

New York, NY -- NBA Commissioner David Stern has his work cut out for him this season as he tries to repair the public relations damage caused by last year's referee scandal involving point shaving.

Referee Tim Donaghy was accused and eventually fired for conspiring to fix games for organized gambling interests. The NBA, a league already fighting image problems, took a huge hit in terms of public perception. Stern reacted strongly and swiftly, reorganizing how the referees are selected and trained. He said, "I'm personally getting very involved in the interviewing process."

Stern introduced the new class of 2007 referees and he is confident, "I think they'll make you forget about Tim Donaghy." Stern also altered the uniform somewhat so that "refs are clearly identifiable," and he is hiring "exclusively really hot women." "You know," Stern said, "if my ship is going down, it ain't going down with a bald, hairy chested man."

Fan reaction was overwhelmingly approving. Longtime Knicks fan Gordie Peter said, "Whoever said a great ref is one you didn't even know was there?" "They can blow my whistle anytime," quipped Peter.

Stern said that his refs will be available for private NBA "Read To Achieve" parties.

SPURS' PARKER JUST EXHAUSTED

San Antonio, TX -- San Antonio superstar guard Tony Parker is struggling to recapture his all-star form and coach Greg Popovich thinks he knows why.

Parker has complained of exhaustion since opening day and Popovich has tried to connect the dots. "The only difference in Tony Parker this year as opposed to other years is that he's married to that really hot Eva Longoria," explained Popovich. "Now come on let's be real here, spotting up a jumper against the Grizzlies or staying home in bed with Eva," added Popovich. "I think it's pretty clear what the reasons are for his lack of energy." Teammates say the new wife is placing too many demands on the husband.

Parker said, "She is a lot to handle and we're still in that honeymoon phase of our relationship." Observers close to the situation say that Longoria wants Parker 24/7 and that she wants some high level point guard play herself. Allegedly she recently commented, "Tony is quick but too quick if you know what I mean. I keep telling him, he needs to let the game come to him." Parker frustrated said, "I can't please Eva and the Spurs at the same time and let's be real here, if you were in my shoes, would you give a shit about basketball?"

After a triple double, Parker has to take care of Longoria. "It's a tough situation, but I'm a professional," he said.

DESPERATE KNICKS LOOK FOR BOARD HELP

New York, NY -- The struggling New York Knicks turned north to find help with a lackluster defense.

GM and head coach Isiah Thomas stunned NBA observers by signing a 12-foot polar bear to add some muscle to their defense and for some rebounding help. The polar bear, "Silky," has been impressing scouts at the Bronx Zoo with his ball skills and Thomas thinks it's time to "give the bear a chance."

"He can block shots and really fill up the middle," said Thomas. "We believe Silky will be an intimidating force and if he scores a few points here and there, it'll just be a bonus." Silky signed a ten-day contract and will be paid in fish and his agent was confident that "Silky wants to fit in with the team."

"He's really a big-gentle Ben but on the court it's all business," said agent Drew Rosenhaus. "And I'm getting 15% of all the fish and I believe we're going to get a long-term deal done." In Silky's first game he grabbed the 62 times and punctured 58 rebounds with his teeth. Thomas was optimistic that "once Silky learns not to bite so hard on the ball, we'll probably save some money on basketballs." "And," Thomas added, "we've got to cut back on fan mauling. When Silky gets excited doing something good on the basketball court he has a tendency to maul a few fans." Thomas added, "We're having a tough enough time getting fans and we don't want a couple hundred getting clawed by Silky."

Silky told reporters that, "For some reason, I love playing in Minneapolis."

Silky told reporters, "I can't wait to get a hold of Yao Ming."

GERMAN SCIENTIST CLONE GOLD MEDAL SWIMMER

Deuselstreudel, Germany -- The German Olympic Swimming team looks poised to sweep the gold in swimming in next year's Beijing Games.

Thanks to some crafty German scientists, the team will have the service of 1950's East German legend Katarina Freugenlauber. Freugenlauber starred and won 8 gold medals at the 1952, 1956, 1960 Olympic games. Called by many the greatest female of all time, scientists were able to recreate the swimmer through cloning.

"We feel pretty damn good about ourselves," gleamed Dr. Wolfgang Wolfdruppins. "Up until now, all anyone's been able to clone is a sheep and putting a sheep in a pool, ain't going to do much for your medals total." The team of crackerjack scientists were able to take a minute amount of genetic material from the 81-year-old Freugenlauber and create an exact replica of the Aryan beauty in her prime.

"Who cares if she can swim," quipped Wolfdruppins. Wolfdruppins, who's earlier attempts at cloning failed. Last year, he tried to clone a schnauzer and the result was a French poodle. "And we hate the French, if you didn't already know your history," said Wolfdruppins.

Wolfdruppins attributed his success to his new "E-Z Bake Cloning Machine" which he has patented. "Really, it's so easy a child could do it," he explained. "You take a little egg, extract the genetic gook, put in the oven, set at 350 degrees and out pops your clone."

Not bad for an 81-year-old East German.

MISSISSIPPI HIRES A NUTT

Oxford, MS -- The University of Mississippi introduced new head coach Houston Nutt to their football fans at a loud reception.

Nutt, who left the University of Arkansas just moments after upsetting No. 1 LSU on Saturday, spoke to the several thousand fans assembled. Nutt said, "It give me chills when you clap and applaud because it means you're hungry." Fans got even more excited with Nutt's words when they thought he was going to give them food. However, Nutt just kept  talking about football and the proud traditions at Ole Miss. With each minute the fans got more and more restless because "they're weren't even any snacks."

"We'd thought they'd have a bu-fay," said longtime Mississippi fan Bobby Jim Yoder, "but jeees he just kept standing up there with a talking stick (microphone?) in his hand." At one point Nutt asked the fans, "Is it Old Miss or Ole Miss and if it's Ole, where the hell did you pick that up?" "Cause," he added, "I ain't no 50-years-ole." He asked, "Ain't ole what those Spanish folks say when tease those bull fellers?"

Eventually the rowdy fans erupted when they realized that Nutt was not going to give them anything to eat. Yoder screamed, "Could you at least multiply some loaves and crawfish?" Nutt then said, "Man, you boys are hungry and maybe I should have taken the Houston job and then I would be Houston's Houston Nutt."

Ole Houston Nutt with some "ear thingys (headphones) on his head."

BOB KNIGHT'S HUNTING TRIP GOES BAD

Lubbock, TX -- Texas Tech basketball coach and legend Bob Knight ran into some unexpected trouble while dove hunting outside of his hometown of Lubbock on Saturday.

Knight, known for his basketball knowledge, is also an accomplished hunter. Knight had some trouble when he trespassed on some neighbors property while trying to shoot dove. Knight denied stepping on J.P. Hoochie's ranch but according to Hoochie, Knight disregarded the "No Hunting" signs and crossed over onto private property.

Hoochie said at first he did not realize that the hunter was the Texas Tech coach. That is because Knight likes to disguise himself whenever he goes hunting. "If I just went out dressed as myself, people would shoot at me," explained Knight. "So I try various disguises to protect myself." Hoochie thought he saw a displace Ibguri Indian from the Amazon rainforest on his property and fired his shotgun. Hoochie defended his actions saying, "With all the crazy immigration shit going on, I thought maybe these Amazon rainforest folk were coming to Texas."

Knight later apologized to Hoochie for crossing his property line and then politely hit Hoochie with a folding chair. "That'll teach him not to f%^& with Bob Knight," the irascible coach yelled.

A disguised Bob Knight dove hunting somewhere in Texas.

NHL RULE CHANGE HELPS FAN INTEREST

Canada -- In an effort to revive sagging fan interest in hockey, the NHL has instituted a rule change that allows hockey officials to hit players.

Rule 46 Paragraph 2 has been amended to read, "Any official at his will at anytime can hit, punch, or kick any player he so desires or if he's just in the mood to hit someone." Official Rory Duhah said about the rule change, "It's high time we were allow to hit someone. Night in and night out everyone is getting a chance to punch someone out except us."

Official Benny Lahoyt commented, "Sometimes you're having a bad day or maybe the wife's just nagging a bit and frustration builds. It's just nice to have somewhere to place your anger." One player said that the rule change will take "some getting use to but if we can help the refs deal with their anger and help hockey then everyone wins."

NHL commentator Barry Melrose said, "Ultimately the average hockey fan is the winner here. Letting the refs just hit people at random just makes good hockey sense." In the first full night of hockey since the rule change, there were 168 reported incidents and a total of 1,342 stitches were administered to players. "It's a great night for hockey and a better night for the medical profession," said Dr. Pete Flakey. Flakey added, "It's so much fun it is to stitch up hockey players without anesthesia and then in the middle of it you realize, 'hey, I'm getting paid for this.'"

A NHL ref works out on an unsuspecting player.

DUKE FIRES FOOTBALL COACH; OFFERS JOB TO LACROSSE PLAYERS

Durham, NC -- Duke University fired football coach Ted Roof after another dismal 1-11 season.

A Duke athletic department spokesperson asked the question, "How can we suck so bad? We're Duke." Duke football struggles in the ACC because they have traditionally taken a back seat to the basketball program and their rugged academic standards require all football players to be able to read on a second grade level. Roof commented, "The second grade reading level thing really killed our recruiting especially when you consider all other ACC teams have no reading requirement whatsoever."

Duke officials offered the head coaching job to the three lacrosse players involved in the 2005 sex scandal. The three players were acquitted of rape charges but not before their names were garbage and they went bankrupt from attorney fees. Duke President Horace McFeely said, "We thought we'd make it up to the fellas by giving them their own football team to coach."

The three players said in a joint statement, "We've got no experience but with Duke football that's probably a good thing...we'll take the job." Duke basketball coach Mike Kjtywewtophnhyqasssjeski said, "Hey, I could coach football, I'm a f%^&ing legend."     

Fired coach Roof complained, "We always received substandard equipment and you can't build a national power with vinyl footballs."

MRS. HULK HOGAN SEEN DRIVING TO SPLITSVILLE

St. Petersburg, FL -- In what can only be described as shocking, sad, and saturated with irony, Mrs. Hulk Hogan announced to the world that she was filing for divorce from the Hulkster.

"He's a big, lovable galut," said the teary eyed wife, "but 24 years is a long time to spend with someone who never stops talking about pasta." Hogan, a World Wrestling fixture for the last quarter century, is also a failed pasta entrepreneur. His restaurant chain, "Pastamania," failed when customers realized there was no sauce on the pasta.

Hogan defended his menu by saying, "You boil f%^&ing pasta and you eat it. Who the f%^& needs sauce on pasta?" However, customers were conditioned to like sauce on pasta particularly when the menu says "pasta with sauce." Hogan said that anyone who could not find a pasta they liked at his "Pastamania" deserved to have an "atomic leg drop" to the head. "Damnit, we've got fusilli, bow tie, rotelli, and wagon wheel pasta. What else do you assholes want?"

Mrs. Hogan said that the failed "pasta without sauce" idea eventually contributed to the demise of their relationship. "Hulk became despondent, distant, and even more obsessed with pasta," she explained. She explained that Hogan became aggressive both in public and at home, forcing people to eat pasta without sauce. "It was a nightmare that I just had to walk away from," she cried. She held out the possibility of reconciliation if and only if, "he'll experiment with a nice Bolognese gravy."

A failed pasta idea coupled with massive steroid use, contributed to what we see here.

A-ROD SIGNS DEATH CONTRACT WITH YANKEES

New York, NY -- Alex Rodriguez and the New York Yankees have agreed to a new contract that will last until Rodriguez' last day on earth. The contract believed to be valued over $5 billion will insure Rodriguez will be a Yankee well into his 80's and beyond.

"I wanted some security," said A-Rod, "and I think I feel pretty good that I'll get paid until my last breath." Rodriguez opted out of his $252 million 10-year contract with the Yankees and then became a free-agent the next day and hired Goldman-Sachs managing directors to help with the negotiations. "It's very gratifying to rob people with the help of a major financial institution and it's all f%^&ing legal," smiled Rodriguez.

The contract is tied to some marketing incentives and the Yankees stand to re-coup some money when Rodriguez gets into his golden years. The Yankees were represented by Hank and Hal Steinbrenner, the sons of Yankees owner George Steinbrenner. "Do I have the two dumbest f%^&ing kids in the world?" asked Steinbrenner. Hank Steinbrenner screamed at his father, "Do you think it's easy being your kid? All my life people have made fun of me because they say my daddy's a bigger asshole than Donald Trump."

Hal Steinbrenner said, "You know, I've always like my name, Hal."

"I raised idiots," steamed Steinbrenner.

MEADOWLANDS MAKE JERSEY HOT TOURIST ATTRACTION

East Rutherford, NJ -- The Meadowlands has quickly become the most popular tourist attraction in the entire state of New Jersey. The new found excitement is based on the several hundred men lining up on the Giants Stadium's pedestrian ramps at Gate D and inciting women to expose their breasts.

The New Jersey Sports and Exposition Authority, which provides security at the stadium, said the the raucous and raunchy halftime show "sure beats watching a marching band play 'Tie a Yellow Ribbon Round the Old Oak Tree.'" Chief of Security Bruno Botchalagoots said, "This is what were talking about at the Exposition Authority. It's about time the people of New Jersey bought into our mission."

Governor Jon Corzine said yesterday, "This just goes to show that New Jersey is more than a landfill where Jimmy Hoffa disappeared to." Corzine announced that the state would be a whole new tourism campaign with the slogan, "Come On Jersey, Show Us Your Tits."

Even former Giants' coach Bill Parcells got in the act and at last week's game flashed his breasts to the enthusiastic crowd. "It's great to be back in New Jersey," said Parcells, "and have you seen Wade Phillips' man breasts?"

Former Governor Jim McGreevey asked, "Can we drop our pants too?"

MLB ADDS EXPANSION TEAM

Anchorage, Alaska -- Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig announced on Wednesday plans to expand baseball to Alaska.

"It's cold as shit up there and dark most of the time, so why not add to their misery with some baseball," explained Selig. The new franchise the Anchorage Mall Santas will begin play in the 2008 season. "Don't just love the beards?" asked Selig. "They were my idea though those guys are probably going to hate me in July when they're playing in Florida."

The Mall Santas are owned by billionaire eskimo businessman Etunik Atunek, who said, "We've got some details to hammer out like hings don't thaw out here until late May and we've got to have parking for dog sleds but all in all we're psyched." He added, "We're hoping this global warming thing is for real and that eventually all this goddamn snow melts for good."

Agent Scott Boras said he was frustrated because Atunek wants to negotiate in whale blubber and fish. Atunek commented, "There's a ton of guys up here who will play for some whale blubber and fish and frankly no one up here ever heard of Scott Boras."

The "Mall Santas" pose for a group photo moments after the expansion announcement.

RICKY WILLIAMS LEADS THANKSGIVING REENACTMENT

Miami, FL -- Reinstated Miami running back Ricky Williams appeared at a Miami elementary school yesterday as part of a United Way volunteer program. Williams helped teachers with a lesson on Thanksgiving where all of the children and adults dressed as Pilgrims and Indians and re-enacted the first Thanksgiving.

Wendy Kindred, 2nd Grade teacher at the Thomas Paine Elementary School, was very pleased to have Williams on hand. "Ricky's demonstration of the peace pipe really helped the children understand the true meaning of the holiday." Kindred added, "It was amazing how Ricky took a bunch of hyper-second graders and was able to calm them down." Williams treated the kids to some "white widow" which 8-year old Melissa Holister described as just, "wow, that is just really great shit."

One small setback occurred when the class ran out of food and snacks. Kindred said, "I thought I planned the lesson rather well and I had plenty of snacks for 24 second graders but they destroyed the food table." Little Zach Hoban commented, "Ricky is just good people but truthfully I was getting tired of the sitar music and the chanting."

Williams left the elementary school and then tested positive for drugs in his system and was suspended indefinitely from professional football.

These little pilgrims said, "We want Ricky to teach us everyday."

ALABAMA INVADES JAPAN AFTER SABAN'S COMMENTS

Tuscaloosa, AL -- Just one day after Alabama coach Nick Saban compared the Crimson Tide's loss to Louisiana-Monroe to Pearl Harbor and the September 11 terrorist attacks, Alabama fans invaded Japan.

Saban described the humbling defeat as a "catastrophic event." "Changes in history usually occur after some kind of catastrophic event," Saban said. "It may be 9/11, which sort of changed the spirit of America relative to catastrophic events. Pearl Harbor kind of got us ready for World War II, and that was a catastrophic event." Saban then asked, "Has anyone noticed that I used the word 'catastrophic' three times? Can anyone give me a synonym for catastrophic?"

Commander-in-Chief, Nick Saban inspires generations.

FEDS DEMAND MONEY FOR VICK'S DOGS

Richmond, VA -- Federal prosecutors asked a judge to order Mike Vick to set aside $1 million dollars for the care of his pit bulls while he is away serving his sentence.

In court papers filed on Tuesday, the government asked U.S. District Judge Henry Hudson to issue a restraining order that would lock up money in an account that would be used to feed and cloth the dogs. Lead government attorney Hank Purina said, "Our most immediate need is Thanksgiving day. We've got 58 pit bulls who need a nice Thanksgiving dinner and that costs money that should come from Mike Vick."

The government has contracted the Haliburton Corporation to care for the dogs while Vick is in jail. Former Haliburton employee and current Vice-President Dick Cheney said, "I can't think of anyone better to take care of dogs than Haliburton." Haliburton officials estimate that the total price tag for taking care of the dogs in Vick's absence could exceed $750 billion dollars. Cheney added, "that to suggest that the U.S. government put this contract out to bid to competitors smells of partisan politics or is that the smell of the dogs?"

Haliburton officials said that the American people can be assured that the pit bulls will be well cared for. The Thanksgiving menu includes 58 live turkeys. "We figure it would be more fun for the dogs to catch their own turkey, kill it and then eat it," said one Haliburton spokesperson. "And," he added, "each pit bull will have his own bottle of a 1962 Mas des Aveylans Sancerre Rouge valued at $6,500 to wash down the turkey." Wine experts say Mas des Aveylans is a full-bodied red that is excellent with poultry, beef, or fish and has an wonderful finish."

MIKE TYSON FACES ONE DAY IN JAIL

Mesa, AZ -- Heavyweight boxer Mike Tyson will serve one day in jail today after he was sentenced yesterday in a contentious hearing.

Tyson, who attorneys say was singled out and "slammed by the judicial system," will serve the day sentence in the infamous "Tent City" jail in Maricopa County. The former boxer was arrested for cocaine possession and driving under the influence and critics say "it was his celebrity status that brought on the severe penalty."

The Reverend Al Sharpton combatively said, "If he's not Mike Tyson, he'd probably get 12 to 18 hours, but this goes to show that for a man like Mike Tyson, there is no justice!" Sharpton added, "I told Mike that I would be there for him and that there is no way we'll forget him while he's in jail."

Tyson said that he was concerned how he would spend his time in jail. "I guess I'll write a book or maybe work on a college degree while I'm in jail." Tyson reacted to the sentence with surprise and tears. "One minute you're a free man and the next minute you're going away to jail for 24 hours," sobbed Tyson. His mother said, "I was going to try and sneak a file or something inside a cake so Mike can escape but shit, I don't have time to bake a cake."

Tyson will serve out his sentence in the infamous hell hole and maximum security facility known as "Tent City."

JOCKWEB READERS VOTE KEVIN COSTNER, "BMTFD"

New York, NY -- In a star studded evening that did not include celebrities or anyone remotely important, Jockweb hosted the 89th annual Sheckstein Film Festival at the Wallduff Hystoria Hotel in New York.

Jockweb CEO Shecky Sheckstein said the event continues "to benchmark the great cinematic achievements of our time and other times and times to come and just generally what to do if you want a good time and if you want my suggestion about a good time, there's a phone number above the urinal in the lobby men's room, call that if you really want some action."

This year's film festival showcased the sports films of actor Kevin Costner, who was the recipient of the coveted BMTFD (Bore Me To F%^&ing Death) Award. The award is presented annually to an actor who has "consistently bores us to f^&*ing death," explained Sheckstein. "And," Sheckstein added, "Kevin is probably one of the greatest actors at boring me to f^&*ing death."

Costner, on hearing that he received the award, mumbled, "How the f^&* did I ever get a part in the first place? But seriously, I was a whole lot better in 'Mr. Brooks' wasn't I?" Sheckstein in his remarks pleaded with Costner to "never do another sports movie or at least, promise not to play old washed up white guys who were never that good to begin with."

Actress Susan Sarandon said, "I can't remember if I had sex with him in 'Bull Durham' or not because he was so f%^&ing boring."

BAND MEMBER ARRESTED

Madison, WI -- A member of the Wisconsin "marching Badgers" and longtime serial sex offender was finally caught yesterday at the halftime of the Wisconsin-Minnesota football game.

For the last four years, senior Peter Fontaine has successfully eluded law enforcement while legitimately harassing fellow co-eds by looking up there skirts. "He's always pretending to dot the 'i' in Wisconsin," said junior Peggy Lee Lee. She added, "This just goes to show the kinds of things that go on when everyone goes out to get a hot dog." Lee explained, "When the stands empty out, we're very vulnerable to predators."

Fontaine denied the allegations and said, "I play on my back because it's the only way I can hit a high 'C'." Bandleader Justin Toner pleaded for understanding. "Come on," he said, "we're in the band, what chance to we have for a little something." He added, "If a guy can't get a little creative, then what's this country coming to?"

The president of the University of Wisconsin Dr. Fuzzy Bowler said, "This kind of publicity is really going to help our band numbers come audition time."

Talk about a tromboner, Fontaine demonstrates his technique.

"GLUE GATE" NEXT NFL SCANDAL

Pittsburgh, PA -- The wave of cheating in the National Football League continues at epidemic rates. The Cleveland Browns announced yesterday that the Pittsburgh Steelers creatively used glue to thwart the Browns in last week's game.

A Browns' coach described the incident as "diabolical, the work of a Satanic cult." At halftime, the Steelers allegedly secretly covered the entire Browns team helmets in "Crazy Glue." When the players put on their helmets, their hands became permanently stuck to the shell. Steelers' running back Willie Parker ran for 5,642 yards in the second half. Parker said, "It was sort of like running between those cones the utility companies put on the street."

Cleveland was flagged for 86 penalties for tripping. The Pittsburgh coaching staff denied any wrongdoing and blamed New England coach Bill Belichick. Steeler head coach Mike Tomlin said, "Crazy glue is a terrific home repair tool. I use it to repair antiques and I'm telling you, you don't want to get that shit on your hands."

One Cleveland player said, "I had to go to bed with my hands stuck to my helmet and you ought to try and have sex in that position."

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell said, "We're going to conduct an investigation and most likely we won't do anything about it. It was just so much damn fun to watch we just might make 'Crazy Glue' the official NFL adhesive."

Cleveland players walking around with their hands stuck to their helmets also had great difficulty urinating.

PHIL JACKSON GETS SLAP ON WRIST FOR "BROKEBACK" COMMENT

Houston, TX -- Los Angeles Lakers' coach Phil Jackson received a national reprimand for making a sexual reference in a comment following the Lakers-Spurs game in San Antonio.

Jackson received a national reprimand as opposed to a regional reprimand because critics say that "we want the whole country to hate Phil Jackson, not just the people of Southern California." After the Spurs burned the Lakers with 13 3-point baskets, Jackson asked if there was too much penetration leading to open outside shooters. "We call this a 'Brokeback Mountain' game because there was so much penetration and kickouts," Jackson said.  Jackson was referring to the 2005 Oscar winning film about two homosexual cowboys who seemingly had no problem with a lot of penetration.

Jackson apologized saying, "I'm sorry to all you gay cowboys, horses, and Texans but seriously, you got to watch out for too much penetration." The NBA announced that they would come down on Jackson about the comment. NBA commissioner David Stern said, "I don't mind if he tells a gay joke but come on, tell a good gay joke if you're going to get fined." Stern proceeded to tell about the time he accidentally walked in a gay bar and after realizing he was in the bar, he said, "No really, I want a drink." "Now that's funny," said Stern.

Gay and Lesbian Defamation president Felix Cabbararo said, "Too much penetration? Can there be such a thing? Maybe Phil ought to just clog up the middle."

We can only speculate about what's going on between these Cowboys.

OLD DOG CONFUSES VICK FOR KEVORKIAN

Saginaw, MI -- An old mongrel on his last legs accidentally found his way to Mick Vick's Atlanta home. The dog and his owner for some reason thought the former Atlanta Falcons quarterback was a euthanasia specialist.

The dog, Maximillian, and his owner Dirk Frocca, were hoping to end the dog's life using the now famous Kevorkian death machine. "Max has lived a long life as a dog and now that he's old, he's crapping all over the house, it's time for him to go," said Frocca. Dr. Jack Kevorkian, who was recently released from prison for assisting several thousand people with their own death, commented, "I don't do dogs but I think Mike Vick is an excellent veternarian and if I wanted to be put down for eternity, I'd go see him." "And," Kevorkian said, "as far as I'm concerned, as soon as the bowel control thing becomes an issue, we hook up the machine."

Mike Vick commented, "I'm all about helping old dogs meet their maker in a peaceful way." He added, "I'm no Jack Kevorkian but I can get the job done." Frocca asked Vick to dress as Kevorkian, "just to make Max feels he's being put to death by the best." Vick said he would be happy to comply as long as Frocca called him "Dr. Vick."

NIKE INC. RECALLS STRAPS

Beaverton, OR -- Nike Inc. is recalling over 5 million straps after reports that many of their straps break. Nike makes straps for jocks, football helmets and brasseires. In some instances, the strap breaking resulted in concussions and facial lacerations.

A Senate investigation is underway and several key Washington leaders say, "It's high time we got to the bottom of this strap thing." Users and pedestrians alike are at risk of injury when either a chin strap, jockstrap, or bra strap breaks. The Consumer Product Safety Commission warned, "If a strap breaks, get the f%^& out of the way."

The Oregon based company has received a report where a female runners' bra strap broke and a man standing in proximity of the resulting released breast was the recipient of a slight concussion. Doctors say that the energy released from a pent up body part, being breasts or male genitalia, "can really do some damage if suddenly released from a pent-up device such as a jockstrap or brassiere."

Dr. Stanley Fromer said, "Concussions by breaking bra straps rarely go reported." He added, "I've seen cases where a male patient gets hit by an errant breast after a bra strap malfunction and is so disoriented that he wants to get continually hit causing long-term brain damage and possible euphoria." Fromer warned, "And I don't want to think of the consequences of thousands upon thousands of loose male members resulting from faulty jockstrap construction."

If you are hit repeatedly by a breast after a strap breaking, please stay where you are and just wait patiently until help arrives.

MOUNTAIN WEST CONFERENCE ENDORSES "BIRD"

Laramie, WY -- University of Wyoming football coach Joe Glenn had no idea that the simple act of "flipping the bird" would make him a sports hero.

Glenn made the obscene gesture the University of Utah football team after the Utes tried an onside kick while ahead by 43 points. Glenn gave the finger to the Utes and their coach Kyle Whittingham, who went on the beat the Cowboys by a score of 50-0.

The Mountain West Conference officials endorsed giving the finger to the Utah team. Conference commissioner Jack Altrades said, "Giving the finger feels good and giving the finger to an asshole feels even better." He added, "The conference believes that he probably should have shoved his foot up Willingham's ass too."

Conference officials were so supportive of Glenn that they have officially changed the conference sportsmanship policy. Altrades explained, "Basically, we're throwing the whole f%^&ing thing out. It's official, we want coaches giving the finger to coaches who run up the score." Altrades went on to say, "Yeah, that sportsmanship thing is way overrated, Joe Glenn is my new American hero."

Democrat Howard Dean agrees, "Let's make the finger gesture part of civil discourse."

BARRY MELROSE BUYS HOUSE IN NEWARK

Newark, NJ -- ESPN hockey analyst Barry Melrose announced yesterday, "I'm moving to Newark!"

Melrose, who was castigated for making negative remarks about the area around the New Jersey Devils' new Prudential Center, said later, "I want to marry and have children in Newark, New Jersey." Melrose explained that his comments were completely misconstrued. Supposedly, Melrose described the new arena as "a beautiful new building," but added, "Don't go outside if you have a wallet or anything else, because the area is just horrible."

The Newark mayor and city council condemned Melrose as a "mullet headed Canuck" and then put a hundred thousand dollar bounty on his head. Melrose responded to the bounty call by saying, "Come on guys, it was a joke, I was just being a funny hockey announcer." Melrose, known for his quick wit and hysterical hockey jokes went into a story about, "Two guys go into a bar outside of the Prudential Arena in Newark and they get shot." Melrose laughing hysterically said, "See, get it? Two guys go into a bar in Newark and get shot...funny or what?"

Melrose said, "Just to prove to everyone that we're all good buds, I'm gonna find me a nice ho' and settle down right here outside the Prudential Center." "I just hope," he joked, "that Prudential's going to cover on my life insurance policy."

Melrose joked with reporters saying, "I always carry a gun and mask when I work the Devils game...oh that's funny!"

PARIS HILTON LOST AT HALFTIME

Los Angeles, CA -- Actress, celebrity Paris Hilton was reported missing when she left her seat at a Los Angeles Lakers game to buy something at a concession stand.

Hilton left her seat and later explained the trauma saying, "I realized when I got out in the hallway that I was in Row 2, Seat 1 in Section 100 but I got confused and then completely lost." She said shaking, "It was the worst experience of my life and I didn't think I'd ever find my seat again." In her fright, Hilton consumed her hot dog and beer which she later told reporters, "really kind of sucked because when I eventually found my seat I didn't have a hot dog and a beer left."

Fortunately, Hilton was able to use a sophisticated global positioning system (GPS) to find her seat. "I just want to say thank you to the person who came up with this who GPS thing. It's so friggin' useful!" Later Hilton agreed to a three year deal with "On Star" to wear a brassiere with the tracking technology, "just in case I want to get another hot dog at the next game."

Hilton learns what planet she occupies using a GPS device. "Gee, there are naked pictures of me on here, cool" she giggled.

SERENA WILLIAMS ASKS QUESTION; NO ONE WILL ANSWER

New York, NY -- Tennis professional Serena Williams asked fans today the question, "Is my ass fat?"

No one in the entire United States fielded the question. Several people interviewed declined to comment. One avid ATP tennis fan said, "That is one of those questions that I think you had better not answer." Another fan asked, "Ass, what ass, Serena, you have an ass?"

Williams insisted that fans level with her and asked emphatically, "Come on, look at this ass...is this a fat ass?" Several people close by said, "You definitely have an ass, we'll say that much but a fat ass?  That's a loaded f^&*ing question that is basically a lose-lose proposition."

Ted Hennessey of Scarsdale, New York said, "What if I was to say, 'yes Serena you have a big, dumpy, fat ass...what would be accomplished by saying such a thing?" Serena agreed, "Yes, I would kick you mo fo ass if you told me my ass was fat so that was a damn good question, Ted." Serena added, "That settles it, I don't have a fat ass!"

Yes, Serena, your ass is just perfect. Seriously, we're not joking, that is a sweet ass that you've got. Really. We really mean it. It's a great ass.

SHULA RETRACTS PATRIOTS COMMENTS

Miami, FL -- Former Miami Dolphins Hall of Fame coach Don Shula said that he was changing his mind about earlier comments he made about the possible undefeated record of this year's New England Patriots.

Earlier this week Shula told reporters that their was a blemish on the Patriots achievement due to the fact that "they are cheating bastards." Shula added, "You can't compare the 16-0 record of my Dolphins to the 16-0 record of a bunch of cheating bastards!" Patriots coach Bill Belichick took exception to Shula's comments and called Shula out. "I want fight that old f%^&ing retiree!" Shula at first said, "I'd be happy to fight the lowdown son of a bitch," but then he realized that "hey I'm 80 and I just lost 150 lbs. on the Nutri-Systems diet."

Shula backed out of the fight but then said, "Let me apologize for calling Belichick a cheating bastard. What I meant is that he is a f%^&ing lying, cheating bastard." Shula questioned Belichick's intelligence saying that Belichick probably couldn't figure out how to turn on a camcorder and that "he probably be one of those guys who forgets to take off the lens cap." Belichick was furious and said, "I may be a cheater but I know enough to take off the lens cap."

Later Commissioner Roger Goodell made the two coaches shake hands and make up because "you can eat anything you want and still lose weight on the Nutri-Systems diet plan."

Don Shula (r) and his wife lost an amazing 255 lbs. on the Nutri-Systems diet and were able to eat all the things they love.

PRICKI NAMED MLS COACH OF THE YEAR

Chivas, USA -- Chivas USA coach Pricki was named coach of the year by Major League Soccer.

Pricki was ecstatic at the honor but immediately informed reporters, "My name is Preki, not Pricki." Preki, who was born in Yugoslavia, added, "Okay, I admit, Preki with a Yugoslavian accent sounds a lot like Pricki but I'm no Pricki." In his first year as head coach of a team, Preki guided Chivas USA to first place in the Western Conference but the team was eliminated by Kansas City last weekend.

Kansas City's coach Mel Borme said, "The amazing part is that we found Chivas USA because it's not on the map." He explained, "Jesus H. Christ, there is no Chivas USA so we played the game in the scotch aisle of Tipster's Liquor Store." "And" Borme said, "I say Pricki."

Preki, who's real name is PredragRadosavljevic, emphasized that, "Would you rather be called Preki or Predrag? Predrag sounds like a transvestite getting dressed before going out on the street." He raised a glass and toasted, "To my beloved town of Chivas, wherever the f%^& that is."

The Chivas USA mascot, the lucky bastard! Can someone please find Chivas USA on a map? Road trip!

INSURANCE AGENCY DEFEATS KENTUCKY

Lexington, KY -- The University Kentucky Wildcats were stunned last night when they were upset by the Gardner-Webb Insurance Agency at Rupp Arena.

Gardner-Webb is a full-service brokerage service with agents specializing in life, casualty, and auto insurance. "At Gardner-Webb, we offer friendly, personal service," said agency manager Ted Gardner. Gardner said, "Some of our employees had taken to playing some basketball during their lunch hour and I said, 'what the hey, why not take on the Kentucky boys?'"

"Well, betcha by golly wow, we knock'em off," cheered Gardner. Point guard and charter-life-underwriter Willis Gayson said, "I never seen insurance agents with as much heart as we's got. And they put that kind of energy into every policy we sell." Gardner-Webb coach Ricky Scaggs said, "What the hell am I doing in this story, I'm a country music legend."

D.C. Webb, the other partner in Gardner-Webb said, "I don't want this to go to our agents heads. Tomorrow we got to get back to hounding people about their life insurance."

The staff at Gardner-Webb are ready and able to help you with all of your insurance needs. AND they pretty damn good lunchtime hoopsters!

GIANT ASIAN WOMAN DEVOURS SEATTLE

Seattle, WA -- A steroid induced rage by an oversized Asian golfer left the city of Seattle in shambles.

"I've never seen a woman soooo big," said one city resident, "and wow, she must really drive a golf ball." For years oversize creatures have been destroying Japanese cities and this marks the first time a foreign monster attacked a U.S. town. "It just goes to show you the extent of this steroid problem," said Dick Pound, the president of the International Anti-Doping Agency. "We got to get steroids out of sports," he added, "or else a lot of cities will be destroyed."

With most of the city's buildings destroyed, the Seattle Seahawks announced that Sunday's game will be moved to Oregon. The Seattle Supersonics ownership said, "Hey, now's a good time to sneak out of town and move the team to Oklahoma City."

Police, firefighters, and the national guard battled the women for several hours but were unable to subdue her. Initially, their plan called for soliciting help from the familiar Godzilla but Godzilla's agent Drew Rosenhaus said, "Godzilla wants a guaranteed contract of 112 million dollars." Seattle mayor Frank Felix told Rosenhaus to "go f^&* himself."

It's official, steroids are now part of professional golf. Just look at the size of her!

ERIC LINDROS TO ANNOUNCE RETIREMENT

Toronto, Canada -- Toronto Maple Leafs' Eric Lindros is expected to announce that he is retiring from the NHL on Thursday.

A report in a Canadian newspaper said that the 34-year-old Lindros will make the announcement as part of a news conference at the University of Western Ontario. Lindros has scored 372 goals and 865 points in 760 games during his 14-year career but much of his NHL years were filled with injuries that he said, "just wore me down."

Lindros claims that, "I'm actually growing smaller." He began his career listed at 6'6" but now he is only 5'6" tall. Lindros explained, "I swear to God, I used to be a lot huger." Someone then pointed out to Lindros that there is no expression, "a lot huger." Lindros disagreed and said, "A lot huger sounds okay to me, I'm from Canada and we talk different." Lindros expressed amazement that 560 concussions have made him a whole foot shorter. A Maple Leafs spokesperson agreed that Lindros is starting to look like actor Mike Meyers and asked, "do you think Mike Meyers is any good at hockey?"

Concussion expert Dr. Jack Offstetter explained, "We find that oftentimes that concussions in hockey lead to people actually liking hockey." He added, "There is a definite correlation between brain damage and watching hockey." One Canadian NHL fan said, "Canada is a lot huger than the United States heh?"

Lindros shaking hands with the taller Sidney Crosby. "I used to be a lot huger," said the retiring Lindros.

METS REJECT NEW MASCOT CONCEPT

Mr. Met, the former longtime mascot, shot himself at the conclusion of the team's 2007 collapse. Since Mr. Met's departure the team has been interviewing thousands of applicants and reviewing new mascot concepts.

A Mets' spokesperson said that the team has reduced the search to a few well-qualified candidates. One candidate, Mr. Beanie, was told yesterday that he was eliminated from the competition. Mr. Beanie, who's concept included, a horn protruding from his ass, was furious.

Mr. Beanie commented, "A horn blowing from my ass is the perfect metaphor for the New York Mets.&q