NEWS:
FISHERMAN CATCHES FISH WITH HIS OWN POLE
Lake Peckerwood, NY -- A bass fisherman landed a 28-inch bass to win the annual Lake Peckerwood bass tournament.
Charley Dangle caught the record setting fish using only himself and it was the first time in bass fishing history that a fisherman landed a fish using his own penis.
"Truthfully, I wasn't trying to catch the fish," he explained. "I had put my fishing rod down and was taking a piss over the side of the boat and of course, not bragging, but I'm a little on the long side, and all of a sudden I feel some action, then a nibble, and wow, then the big bite," he continued.
Dangle knew he had a fighter on his hands and it took him an hour to get the fish into the boat. "I've got to tell you, he was taking me all over the place and several times he went under the boat which really stretched me out so to speak," Dangle said. "But he's a beauty and I got top prize so all in all it was great fishing," he smiled.
Several fisherman complained that Dangle should be disqualified for using his penis as a fishing instrument. "This could set a very dangerous precedent," said NY Game Commissioner Wally Sturgis. "Let's be realistic here, we've got a whole population of gay fish that we didn't even know about and now a regular old fisherman with a regular old fishing rod doesn't stand a chance," he warned.
Dangle showing off his prize winning fish and his handy Dangle.
YAO MING BIG FOOT HURT BIG
Shanghai, China -- Houston Rockets center Yao Ming was told by doctors yesterday that his foot injury could be career threatening and that he better start wearing orthopedic shoes or else his NBA days could be over.
Yao was devastated by the news and begged doctors not to make him wear the shoes. "Please, not those really ugly shoes worn by old ladies at the mall?" he pleaded.
Foot doctor Ti Tac Tao, a Shanghai podiatrist, told reporters that he is not a real doctor but "You give me a set of needles and I can acupuncture the shit out of anyone." Yao said that he likes to use Tao as his doctor because he gives out coupons for office visits and lollipops.
But Tao, after trying for an hour to acupuncture Yao's foot, ran out acupuncture needles to cover Yao size 22 foot. "That son of a bitch has some huge dogs," Tao exclaimed, "I ought charge by the foot."
Yao eventually did walk out of the office with a nice velcro strapped pair of shoes that Dr. Tao insist he wear everywhere including on the basketball court and in the shower. "No more flippy floppies for Ming," he commanded. "I look like my Aunt Mildred who has bunion problems," added Yao despondently.
You put a Nike swoosh on the side of a pair of orthopedics and suddenly old Aunt Mildred has some hops.
ORGASMS A PLENTY AT WIMBLEDON
London, England -- A record number of orgasms occurred at the Wimbledon Championships yesterday during a Venus Williams populated match.
Williams, famous for her pseudo-sexual noises, was in full bloom during her match with a huge quantity of groans, moans, and exhales. The sounds were so provocative that literally hundreds of male fans simultaneously achieved orgasms from just the simple exercise of their collective imaginations.
It was the largest number of mass orgasms ever recorded since the inception of record keeping for mass orgasms. Williams, feeling proud said, "There's no doubt about, I can satisfy a large number of men." Ironically, all of the men fell asleep after the orgasm and failed to see Williams defeat her opponent, Selina Sanchez.
Retired tennis pro Chris Evert spoke out vehemently against loud grunts. "You see this is what happens, you grunt, you groan, the men climax, fall asleep and then where are we...left smoking a cigarette?"
Tournament director Clive Clendon was snoring loudly and had no comment.
Truthfully, she really might not need to grunt.
ROTHLISBERGER BATTLING DEPRESSION
Pittsburgh, PA -- Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Rothlisberger admitted yesterday, "I'm feeling a little blue."
The All-Pro and Super Bowl quarterback admitted that the pressures on him to bring back another title to Pittsburgh are immense. "I just feel like all the weight of Pittsburgh is on my back and I'm only one man," he said through tears.
Rothlisberger has been said to be drinking more while hanging around a few of his old high school buddies. "Yeah, I probably drink too much but at least I learned not to drink a case of beer and then ride my motorcycle," he confessed.
Steelers coach Mike Tomlin expressed some concern but said, "Ben's a professional, he knows what it takes to win in the NFL and he may be having some extra fun in the summer but once camp starts, he'll be all business."
Big Ben said he wanted to speak out and help all of those million dollar athletes who may feel "blue" too but don't want to admit it publically. "The best thing you can do is be vulnerable," explained Rothlisberger. "I think fans understand that you a person too and that it's okay to admit this is a tough, crazy world."
Rothlisberger said that come Monday, "I'm really gonna get my shit together and get ready for camp."
TENNIS PLAYER BATTLES ALLERGIES AT WIMBLEDON
London, England -- Tennis player Vicktor Troicki demanded yesterday that the storied tennis mecca accommodate his "grass allergy" by paving the courts with asphalt.
Troicki, who struggles with a host of allergies, requested that there be a "complete and total cleaning" of the entire facility. Through sneezes and a runny nose, Troicki said in his native Serbian tongue, "I feel shit, nose stuffed like Vermont teddy bear, get placed cleaned up."
Initially the tournament organizers responded to Troicki request by saying, "Are you f***ing kidding us...tough shit you've got a little allergy...suck it up you big Serbian pussy." But later they changed their tune when they discovered that allergies are covered under the ADA (American With Disabilities Act) and that under the act, the employer must provide a safe, hazard free environment. ADA expert Carrie Snotgrass explained, "Technically, the complainant can bring suit if an employer fails to remove the items which contribute to the allergy."
Wimbledon officials immediately removed all cats and dogs, peanuts, dust mites, pollen bearing plants, wool sweaters, and black mold. "We think we got everything and we believe we are in full compliance with the ADA," said tournament director Clive Clandon. Moments later Clandon realized, "Hey, wait a minute we're in England...what the f*** are we doing complying with the ADA? screw the allergy guy and pass the peanuts!"
There's a really good chance that if you put a shitload of jewelry in your navel, you're gonna get these red splotches all over you...don't say we didn't warn you!
BROWNS RECEIVER SUES OVER STAPH
Cleveland, OH -- Former Cleveland Browns receiver Joe Jurevicius filed suit against his old team alleging that his career ending knee infections was a result of dirty, unclean Cleveland football facilities.
Jurevicius contracted a staph infection in 2008 while recovering from a knee injury and his suit spells out specifically that, "Cleveland's locker room is a pig sty and the players are a bunch of disgusting, filthy slobs and eeeeewwwww they are just sooooooo gross and no one flushes the toilets after pooping and I want to throw up just talking about it."
NFL commissioner Roger Goodell admitted that the NFL is full of "staff" infections. "We've got a lot of bad staffs but hell, I'm only the commissioner, what....do you expect me to take care of everything...why shit, I'm trying to take this league global and you're bitching to me about staff infections."
Later Goodell called the suit "Juryvicious" and then called Jurevicius and asked him, "Are you any relations to Sid Vicious, that old Sex Pistols bassist who died of a heroin overdose? Now there was a slob." Jurevicius said later, "Wow, I never checked that out, I mean there is some possibility that I'm related to Sid Vicious, and hey those Sex Pistols had some really got tunes like that one, 'God Save the Queen From a Staff Infection."
Bassist Sid Vicious did play briefly for the Browns in the early 1980's as a way-out.
SOUTH CAROLINA GOVERNOR DENIES AFFAIR
Columbia, SC -- Embattled Governor Mark Sanford in a last ditch effort to save his political career denied that he went to Argentina to have extra marital relations.
Sanford said yesterday at a press conference that he went on a special undercover recruiting trip for the University of South Carolina football coach Steve Spurrier. The Governor swore up and down a stack of bibles that he went way south of the border to look at place kicker Julio Dowbideskoolyar.
"He's a hellava soccer player and we think he can make the transition to football for us," said Sanford, "and Jesus, you should see his mother, wow! vvvaaaavvvvvaaaaavvvvvooooooom!"
Coach Spurrier raised his eyebrows and said, "Yeah, for a another couple of zeros on my contract, I'm gonna buy that because that Mark is one Game Cock."
However Mrs. Sanford commented, "When I get done with him he'll just be Game."
Later Governor Sanford lamented, "Why didn't someone tell me that I didn't have to go all the way to Argentina?"
IRANIAN FOOTBALL PLAYERS LOOSE FOOTS
Tehran, Iran -- Several members of the Iranian national football team have been "retired" from the sport after wearing politically controversial wristbands during a match against South Korea in Seoul.
The players Ali Karimi, Mehdi Mahdavikia, Hosan Ka'abi, and Vahid Hashemian sported green wristbands as a form of protest against the alleged fraud in the recent Iranian election. Iranian strongman and President-elect Ahmadinejad reacted by saying, "I love the wristband thing, in fact I wear the Lance Armstrong 'Live Strong' yellow one, and I get tons of compliments like 'Hey Ahmadinejad, where did you get that nifty wristband?' and 'Hey Ahmadinejad, yellow is definitely your color.'"
But insiders say that the democratically elected dictator for some reason hates green wristbands. "Call me fussy but I hate the green wristband," confessed Ahmadinejad. "I mean seriously, what goes well with green?" he asked.
For their fashion faux paus and what some speculate may be punishment for their perceived politcal protests, the soccer players were prematurely retired from their sport. Shortly after the game in Seoul, the four players were flown back to their home country where their feets were surgically removed with a machete.
"Machetes insure a nice clean cut," said Dr. Husai Baadtinsabootme, who performed the retirement ceremony. "Well you can be sure these four have a nice career ahead of them on a keyboard," smiled the doctor.
Imagine wearing a green headband in Iran...you would be definitely f***ed!"
UGLIEST ALL-TIME BASEBALL PLAYER TO BE HONORED
Cooperstown, NY -- The National Baseball Hall of Fame announced that a new wing is being constructed to honor the ugliest men who ever played the game of baseball.
"The ballots are ready and we think we've got a strong field of candidates in our inaugural year," said Museum director Lon Chaney IV. Three ugly players will be inducted in July along with the three regular vote getters for the Hall of Fame.
Leading the list of vote getters are Julian Tavarez, Jorge Pasada, and Jose Mesa with Edgar Martinez and Gary Gatti making a strong case for a place high on the list. Pitcher Randy Johnson, who many thought would run away with the competition, expressed disappointment saying, "I purposely forgo plastic surgery and this is the thanks I get?"
Pittsburgh Pirate great Snookie Carsdale, a little used shortstop who player from 1914-1918, is dead but family members were joyful celebrating his number one vote getting tally at 2,345,682 votes. Great grandson Snookeroo explained, "Look the guy didn't have a woman until he was on his death bed and then he reproduced with his last breath several generations of really ugly people."
Fans in Pittsburgh have their fingers crossed because for once there may be some good baseball new in the town of Three Rivers.
Snookie Carsdale never made around the bases until it was almost too late.
GROUP NUDE WRESTLING TAKING OFF
New York, NY -- The latest phenomenon to hit the sporting world is full contact AMNW (All-Male Nude Wrestling).
The sport debuted several months ago in a park on the upper West Side and has since experienced explosive growth with several celebrities looking to buy franchises and expand the market opportunities.
"It's a wonderful, wonderful way to have men interact," said franchise owner Elton John. "It's so wonderful, I think I'll go home and write a song after I watch for a few days," he added.
WWF chairperson Vince McMahon agreed that AMNW is the wave of the future. "Look, it's 'green' because you don't spend any of the planet's resources on wrestling outfits, so I think the ecological minded sports fan is going to flock to this," explained McMahon. "You'd be surprised how expensive those little tight wighty wrestling thongs cost," he added.
"Another benefit of AMNW is that it can be staged anywhere," said Senator Larry Craig. "AMNW is just sound sports economics, that I can get behind," he said, "and I mean that." Craig enthusiastically has backed an Idaho franchise saying, "Nude males wrestling and Idaho are made for one another because we need more than just the potato."
No uniforms, no expensive stadiums, no salaries...franchises still available.
KNICKS INTERESTED IN DARKO MILICIC
New York, NY -- The New York Knicks are rumored to be interested in Memphis Grizzlies big man Darko Milicic.
Milicic is a serviceable big man and has an expiring $7.5 million contract which would put the Knicks in a good bargaining position. Most NBA teams agree that Milicic "really sucks and no one can still believe that the Pistons made him a number one draft pick in 2006."
Any deal that the Grizzlies make would center around obtaining high priced guard Quentin Richardson. "But truthfully," said one Grizzlie spokesperson, "we'll take a few Applebee's gift cards for Darko."
Milicic has never lived up to the high expectations that were placed upon him as a rookie. Playing for Larry Brown or not playing at all, which was the case, destroyed Milicic's confidence. Milicic said in accented English, "Larry Brown is big poop head, not nice to Darko."
During his time with the Pistons, Milicic began experimenting with alternative gender identities coloring his hair and wearing women's clothing. "When you get no time on court, time you have on hands, you get funky," explained Milicic. However the Knicks think he still has some upside either in the NBA or WNBA.
Milicic said that his love for fashion may be more appreciated in New York than in Memphis.
BROWNS' STALLWORTH INJURES HIMSELF PARKING CAR
Cleveland, OH -- Cleveland Browns receiver Donte Stallworth was injured yesterday as the tried to rearrange some cars in his driveway.
The incident happened after his wife asked him to move some cars out of the driveway so some neighborhood kids could play some pick up hoops in the backyard court. Stallworth immediately volunteered even though a judge has suspended his license indefinitely due to a vehicular manslaughter charge stemming from an accident last March.
"I just love driving," explained Stallworth, "but I guess you could say I just have bad luck behind the wheel." Stallworth's blood alcohol level was 8.7 almost 20,000 times the legal limit and admittedly he had smoked 149 marijuana cigarettes. "Okay, so I was a little buzzed but I was just rearranging some cars," he defended himself.
Cleveland Browns management released a statement later, "What, do you think the only team in Ohio with felons is in Cincinnati? We think under Donte's leadership, we can catch the Bengals in 2009."
Mrs. Stallworth said later, "From now on he only gets to drive the Kia."
U.S. OPEN CADDIES REFUSE TO COMPLY WITH PLAYERS' DEMANDS
Farmingdale, NY -- The entire army of U.S. Open caddies walked off the job yesterday in the first golf strike in history at the Bethpage Black Golf Course after the USGA ruled that caddies must clean "embedded balls."
"Who else but the caddy should clean the embedded ball?" asked Clyde Funchum, the official rules chairperson. "All you have to do is grab the balls, take a moist towel or towlette and rub the balls clean," he suggested, "and the integrity of the game is preserved."
Longtime looper Jake Testakill said, "Look I'll clean just about anything but I'm not touching an embedded ball...I'm a caddy not a doctor." Testakill, who carried pink shirted Ian Poulter's bag, asked, "Seriously, do you think this guy is gay because it really seems like it."
Golfers seemed perplexed and momentarily stymied with what to do with their embedded balls. "Should I touch and clean my own balls out on a course in front of a large gallery and what would that mean to my reputation as a family guy?" asked lefty Phil Mickelson.
Just when things began to get hairy, patrons at the local gay watering hole "The Ramrod" , saved the day. 75 anxious, very recent golf fans, volunteered to step up and fill in for the striking caddies. "Call me a scab, I don't care, pass me a towel," said Harve Peterman. "You can rest assure the rule will be followed to the letter and no golfer will have to suffer again with dirty, embedded balls," Peterman promised.
Two caddies talk about distances from the sprinkling caps to greens as the U.S. Open continued in overcast, stormy weather.
EX-BIKE CHAMP BUSTED FOR DRUGS AND BAD HAIR
Albany, NY -- Former downhill bicycle star Missy Giove was arrested yesterday when she was caught with 400 pounds of marijuana with intent to distribute.
The 37-year-old Giove was stopped when her bike was seen wobbling down a country road. Police first thought Giove was just a "really weird looking paperboy with glassy eyes and too many newspapers in his bike basket." But Giove soon crashed the bike when she ran over and ant and she was thrown over the handle bars.
"If you have 400 lbs. of anything in the basket of your bike, you're at great risk of flipping over," said bicycle crash expert Fred Fender. "Once someone tried to ride a bike while carrying Rosie O'Donnell on the handlebars...well I don't have to tell you that that crash was very ugly," he explained.
Police arrested Giove when the pot flew in all directions. Grateful bystanders hurriedly gathered up the spent marijuana and later smoked it with Olympic champion Michael Phelps. Police said that they had had their eyes on Giove for several years because, "once you look at that hair of hers, you ask yourself, 'shouldn't someone be arrested for hair like that?"
Is it Giove or is it Boy George?
JAMAICAN AIR FORCE BOMBS CRICKET MATCH
Kingston, JAMAICA -- The Jamaican Air Force attacked a cricket match in an effort to rid the Caribbean nation of the hated sport.
Later an investigation revealed that Jamaica has no Air Force except for a farmer named Diondre who flies a single engine prop duster. Sources close to the investigation explained that Diondre, while smoking some exceptional Jamaican ganga, came desperately close to a cricket game while waving to his mother from his plane.
"It was very tense and one of the only exciting moments of the cricket match," said batsman Levon Helm. According to Helm, Diondre just laughed, turned up his radio, and "chilled out." Later he was able to land the plane in the middle of a topless beach. "It was a very good landing," smiled Diondre as he said surprisedly while exiting the plane.
The cricket match resumed and went on for 23 more hours with no victor in sight. The match will continue today and go until sometime in the middle of September.
Cricketeers signal to Diondre not to land the plane on the playing field.
JUDGE OFFERS BURRESS PLEA DEAL IN GUN FELONY
New York, NY -- The judge in the Plaxico Burress felony case announced yesterday that he would offer the troubled receiver a "a bargain he couldn't refuse."
Judge Jesse Winchester told Burress that he would be willing to drop the illegal gun charges against Burress if "Burress would agree to play for the Detroit Lions for two years." Immediately Burress' eyes began to tear and he got on his knees and begged the judge for clemency.
"Please, please Mister Judge," Burress cried, "can't we use our imaginations and come up with something better than that?" Burress sobbed for the next hour while curled in a fetal position on the courtroom floor while his agent Drew Rosenhaus talked to a disgruntled Terrell Owens in Buffalo.
Later the judge rescinded the offer and suspended Burress' trial until some time in 2013. "Why rush these things?" the judge asked as he gave Burress his gun back. "Look I'm not telling you to go shoot T.O. but I'm also not saying that kind of public service won't go unnoticed during the sentencing phase of this trial," were the judge's final words.
The mere mention of the Detroit Lions automatically creates the hysterical fetal response.
HORSE'S FAMILY SUES IN JUMPING ACCIDENT
London, England -- The family of an equestrian jumping horse sued the National Equestrian Association after their son, Nagor De La Roche was injured in a jumping accident.
The horse family filed court papers through their attorney I. Leeklykearaycehors. In the complaint the family claims that their son, Nagor, was injured while "jumping over a wall with a large human female on his back." "Sadly," the complaint continues, "he is a horse and should be somewhere in a field foraging for some oats but no he's jumping over a friggin' wall and falling face first breaking his friggin' neck."
The family want damages from a broken neck and future wages that the horse would have earned in a legitimate profession such as horse racing. "He could have won the Kentucky Derby," said his mother Grecian Urn, "but no, he had to jump over a f***ing wall with a woman on his back...who made up this f***ing sport anyway?"
La Roche will have to wear a neck brace for the next 12 months and might never walk again on all four hooves. "At best we're looking at him walking on two hooves which means get the gun loaded," said vet Dr. Lou Kevorkian. "But I've got this really cool machine I can hook him up to and in about 20 seconds he's heading to the glue factory and he never knew what hit him," added the famed equine, Dr. Death.
"He could have been a contender," said Nagor's brother Charlie, "instead that lousy trainer we got him brought him along too fast and now he's a bum, he could have had class, been someone but nothing, but no, he's heading with a one ticket to Palookaville."
And to make matters worse, he's going to have a crooked nose.
CHIMP EDGES DALY IN SUDDEN DEATH PLAYOFF
Memphis, TN -- A very athletic chimpanzee named Lex defeated golfer John Daly in a pick up round as Daly prepared for the U.S. Open.
Daly coming off of a six-month PGA suspension took exception to a spectator's comment that "he couldn't beat a monkey!" Daly, who earlier quaffed eight beers and four shots of Jack Daniels, responded with a challenge that, "I sure can beat any member of just about any godamn mammalian species as long as it's not human." With that a very skilled and coordinated chimp stepped forward and in high pitched chimp language challenged Daly to an 18-hole match.
Lex the chimp did very well carding four birdies on the front and a double eagle on the back. Daly for his part, fell apart on No. 2 with a big snowman 8 on a 128 yd. par 3. Daly admitted that the pressure playing a chimp is significant. "That f***ing hysterical squealing they do just gets in your head and all of a sudden I'm eight down and I'm drunk, broke, and realize I'm playing a chimp...like if my life needed another downward turn..."
However Daly did rally and on 18, sunk a 22 foot putt to send the match into a sudden death playoff. Lex knocked his playoff drive a cool 7 yards off the tee while Daly hit a massive 350 yd. drive out of bounds. Lex, gripping the club with his feet while munching on a banana, smacked his second shot two feet from the pin and made birdie. Daly threw his clubs in a pond and decided to go for beers 9, 10, 11, and 12 plus a joint and three qualudes. He was philosophical in defeat saying with impeccable sportsmanship, "IF there was like a really big Chimpanzee U.S. Open, I'd like another shot."
Lex attributes his golfing success to lots of drinking, drugs, and very loose LPGA golfers.
BECKHAM PHOTO SHOOT GOES BAD
London, England -- A photo shoot involving soccer superstar David Beckham turned into an over-budgeted disaster when workers on the set ran out of Nair for men.
Nair is the fast acting papillatory that removes unsightly and course hair around the back, neck, thighs, and the all-important launching pad. "Whether you're preparing for the beach, running a marathon, or just going to the gym, Nair has a variety of products that can dissolve that briar patch of unsightly scruff leaving the skin smooth and soft without stubble or bumps.
"It's a fabulous product and we buy it be the case," said Posh Spice, who doubles as Mrs. Beckham. "David has some very high levels of testosterone so you can imagine his genitalia looks like Sherwood Forest," she explained.
So in order to get Dave into the right body hair proportion, 45 tubes of Nair were used to smooth out the Becks. However, that amount was not sufficient and Beckham had some unsightly long hairs protruding from below the scrotum that could not be contained with a styling gel. "It was a huge crisis," said French photographer Rene LaBalle. "Do we take the chance on a million dollar photo shoot on some errant pubic hairs that could ruin an underwear ad or do we send out for more hair remover?" he asked in a panic.
However, the local pharmaceutical establishments had be cleaned out, so to speak, of any remaining hair removal products. With tensions running high and time running out, LaBalle made an executive decision to use a razor. "My had was shaking," he explained later, "and one slip of the razor, David is singing for the Met rather than bending it for the Galaxy."
But all ended happily, when the testicular hairs were successfully removed and the magic of Beckham's perfect, hairless abs and bulging package shimmered in dramatic theatrical lighting.
Seriously, come on, are you putting us on, that's not a pair of socks? BULL SHIT!
TEXANS OFFER AD SPACE ON JERSEYS
Houston, TX -- The Houston Texans will be one of the first teams to sell advertising space on their practice jerseys as a result of a new rule recently passed at this winter's NFL meetings.
Teams are allowed to use their practice gear as prime marketing space and the Texans received a generous offer from Zero Tolerance Entertainment, which markets adult videos. So summer camp in Houston will be hot and steamy and so will the ads on the players' jerseys.
"We think there's a real synergy between the porn industry and the NFL," said one adult industry expert. "We take a lot of our movie titles right from NFL playbooks," he added. Several newly released films that will be advertised on the jerseys include, "Spread Offense," "Hit the Middle Hole," and "Go Long and Deep."
"These are films are important , timely artistic statements that expand the make the NFL an important purveyor of American culture," said NFL commissioner Roger Goodall. "The adult film industry and the NFL are just a natural fit and I'm excited about porn ads on our jerseys... wow I'm excited, man, I've never been so excited, oopps, man was I excited."
Several Texan executives could not be reached for comment but one coach said, "We're just watching a lot of film these days and let me tell you we're really getting to know more about tight ends and double teams."
Just looking at the previews tells us that this is probably going to be a good football film.
TOM BRADY RESCUED BY GISELE'S BUNDCHENS
Boston, MA -- New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady was rescued from the Charles River by his wife, Gisele, after a kayak he rented flipped over.
Witnesses say that disaster was averted because of the quick actions of Mrs. Brady. "He was crying and flailing in the water saying things like, 'I'm gonna die!' and 'I want my mommy' but Gisele just fearlessly jumped in and rescue the Super Bowl MVP," bystander Maude Flenkins described.
From observers accounts the best investigators could piece together was that Brady flipped the kayak and was submerged under water when Bundchen swam to him. "Grab my Bundchens," she screamed to Brady and he did and they were able to float to safety.
"Fortunately Gisele has some very buoyant Bundchens," explained water patrol Captain Nick Oftyme. "Brady was able to grab onto the two Bundchens and wait until a boat launch arrived and pulled him out of the water," he continued.
Oftyme warned prospective kayakers, "It's very important that if you are an inexperienced kayaker that you wear a life vest and kayak with someone who has nice Bundchens, just to be safe." A relieved, safe Brady did say, "Can I pick'em or what?"
They may not be the best Bundchens we've ever seen but thank goodness they proved adequate in the rescue effort.
RAIDERS TO PLAY WITH NOTHING BUT QUARTERBACKS
Oakland, CA -- Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis confirmed yesterday what the country has known for years, he's out of his freakin' mind.
Davis signed QB Charlie Frye bringing his quarterback total to 14 with today's possible signing of Brett Favre making 15. "I love quarterbacks and I can't have enough of them," said Davis, "and I'm going to play with nothing but quarterbacks cause that's all you need to play football is quarterbacks," Davis said as he fought to get out of the straight jacket that mental health workers placed him in.
With last year's number one draft pick Ja'marcus Russell, the Raiders feel very confident that they pissed $65 million dollars down the Oakland toilet. "We believe if we surround Ja'marcus with lots of quarterback, well he'll feel like, 'wow, we've got too many quarterbacks maybe I should go back to Louisiana,'" said Davis. "But," he added, "if he stays he'll have lots of friends who are quarterbacks because did I mention, that I love quarterbacks?"
The Raiders have Russell, Brad Gradkowski, Jeff Garcia, Andrew Walter, Danny Southwick, Jeff George, Warren Moon, John Brodie, Kenny Stabler, Darryl Lamonica, George Blanda's corpse, Todd Marinovich, Todd Marinovich coke connection, Joe Namath, Wilma McNabb, and now Charlie Frye locked up for mini-camp.
Davis said he was optimistic that this season, "This season I will be keeping what little hair I have in place with extra gel."
Make no mistake, a dead George Blanda is as effective as a live Ja'marcus Russell and a hellava lot cheaper.
REAL MADRID SIGNS KAKA WHILE HIS PARENTS CONFESS
Madrid, Spain -- Real Madrid confirmed yesterday that they had signed Brazilian star Kaka to a long term deal in attempt to revive the once historic franchise.
"Okay, let the jokes begin," said Real Madrid President Florentino Perez, "and I have to admit when we were inking the deal I said to myself, 'I'm signing a guy named Kaka' and it gave me a great chuckle." The deal calls for Kaka to make 7 billion dollars over the life of the deal and Perez explained his overpaying as, "Hey, you feel sorry for a guy named Kaka so we tossed in a few billion."
Kaka's parents told the soccer golden boy at their press conference, "Your real name is Bob...Kaka was just a joke but for some reason it stuck." Kaka's father DooDoo said that years ago when Kaka used to cry he used to say to his wife Poopsie, "Can't you shut up that little shit and his wife would reply don't call him a little shit but you may call him a little Kaka...and that's how the whole thing started."
"Wow, so I have a real name?" asked Bob. "All these years, all the teasing, the taunting and the poop jokes and all the while I'm just plain Bob...I'm soooo happy!" he exclaimed.
Perez disappointedly said, "What, we just paid billions for a guy named Bob? I was really looking forward to saying things like, 'Hey Kakahead,' or 'don't give me any crap, Kaka'?'"
The name change has already helped Bob with the ladies.
LATEST BIN LADEN MESSAGE: "MLS IS NOT REAL SOCCER!"
Immareallybad, Pakistan -- Al Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden released his latest message from his cave somewhere where no one can find him but where he has access to some solidly decent recording equipment.
Surprisingly, Bin Laden was not calling for the death of all Westerners but did insist that Muslims take up the cause against Major League Soccer. "Let's face it," said Bin Laden, "the MLS is bogus soccer and no decent Muslim should buy a ticket."
Bin Laden, a huge soccer fan and part-time youth coach added, "You're never going to sell soccer in the U.S. because these people can't understand a legitimate game...they think big, slow fat American pigs slamming against one another with helmets is a sport." "But seriously folks," he continued, "I want to coach again because damnit, I really good with kids."
His second in command Mohammad Al-Roker announced that there would be thundershowers throughout the south with seasonal conditions across the northeastern part of the country. In related news, Willard Scott announced this morning that Pele is 104 today.
Bin Laden earlier in his career where he went undefeated in 1977 with Terminix International DC.
TEXAS PREP TRACK STAR WINS STATE TITLE ALL BY HERSELF
Austin, TX -- For the second consecutive year high school student Bonnie Richardson single handedly won the Texas High School Track Championship alone with no teammates, defeating 56 other high school teams.
Richardson, a senior at Rochelle High, is the only member of the track team from her school of 14 in this small farming town near the train depot and right up the road a piece from that big barn with that dang weathervane. Track fans sat in amazement as Bonnie competed in over twenty events with no rest in between.
Rochelle High walked away with the title when Richardson accumulated 250 points with the next team, Texmexacana High with 3 points. Texmexacana's team consists of 92 members who came from over 300 miles away only to, in the words of coach Udell Spivey, "have our collected ass kicked by some red-headed freckle faced anorexic bitch." Texmexacana not only did not win the championship, they also did not receive the sportsmanship award.
Richardson celebrated afterwards by dumping a drum of gatorade over her head and then carried herself on her own shoulders to the victory stand. "I'd like to thank myself for my support and all my encouragement and hard work...me really pushed me and even though the team had some ups and downs this year, I really stayed together and competed as a team...and guess what, there is a "I" in team."
Richardson later admitted, "I hate people and I don't need you or anyone else and I prefer to be alone."
PHILLIES PITCHER BASTARDO SAYS ENOUGH
Philadelphia, PA -- Philadelphia Phillies rookie pitching sensation Antonio Bastardo spoke loudly yesterday to his teammates and to the nation in general exclaiming in broken English, "Enough already with the bastard jokes!"
For weeks now Bastardo has endured teasing and taunting with players and fans alike dropping the 'o' off his name. Bastardo has even gone as far as to travel Latin America and bring his father to Philadelphia to prove "I'm no bastard!"
Despite his protestations, friends and foes continue saying things like, "Hey, Bastard-o" and "Yo, Bastard-o" and "We got a Bastard-o on the mound tonight."
"It just hurts," cried Bastardo. Fellow MLB players Felix Bitcher and Juan Couquer sympathize with Bastardo. Bitcher explained, "I'm always hearing things like 'hey Bitcher, I oughta fix you up with my wife.'" Couquer said, "Yes it cuts me deep when teammates say, 'You suck Couquer!'"
MLB commissioner Bud Selig could do nothing but chuckle saying, "We've got a Bastard, a Bitch, and a Cock in the league...let's get those names on the back of a jersey and let the revenue come in."
Evil bastard Dick Cheney commented, "People call me Dickhead all the time or ask me if I like to pull my Cheney."
T.O. FACES LONG COMMUTE
Buffalo, NY -- Newly acquired Buffalo Bills receiver Terrell Owens faces a bit of a real estate dilemma because suddenly there are no available houses in his new city.
At present the only available options in the entire state of New York seems to be an abandoned house in Amityville on Long Island. Owens, anxious to close a deal, loves the house, hates the commute. "I'm ain't no good with geography shit but my GPS tells me that T.O. gonna be in the car a lot," said Owens.
One Buffalo real estate agent commented, "You just can't find a house in and around Buffalo in this economy." "If I were him," one agent suggested, "I'd jump on that Amityville deal cause that's was a hellava movie and we're due for a sequel."
Buffalo has the reputation for being one of the most desirable places in the world to live. Home expert and public television host Pancho Villa said, "People want to live where it snows several hundred feet a year...it just makes sense that T.O. is having a difficult time."
Owens appeared philosophical and resigned to the idea of a 14 hour commute saying, "I gots lots of CD's of me talking like a whole bunch of shit and I'll just plunk'em in my Escalade sound system put on the cruise control and be late for practice."
If you search around, you can find an old copy of "Amityville Horror, Part 7, Terrell Is A Whining Homo."
FORMER OSU RUNNING BACK TAKES HOME AWARD
Pinprique, OH -- Second chances do come to those who wait. Just ask former Ohio State running back Maurice Clarett.
Clarett, once a Heisman trophy hopeful turned convicted felon, received the coveted "Stabby" award from an Ohio State penitentiary. As Warden Hal Hertz explained, "The Stabby is sort of like a Heisman without the really good dinner in New York."
"Maurice deserves something," said Hertz, "because he's just been out of the news too damn long." Clarret with tears in his eyes said that "the Stabby means more to me than you'll ever know but I really miss my guns." His former coach Jim Tressel, who was present on the podium (actually the awards ceremony took place in the cell block shower room) said, "This is what college football is all about and I've never been more proud of one of my student-athletes."
Tressel also with tears in his eyes told the three guards present, "It's a credit to the state of Ohio that we have two quality football teams in Ohio State and the Cincinnati Bengals." Several former Bengals were not able to attend the "Stabby" ceremony due to some lock down issues but Bengals coach Marvin Lewis later said, "Where else but in America can a guy lose out on a great NFL career, get arrested like twelve times, completely be forgotten about by the sporting establishment, and then get an award like this?"
We just want to say to Maurice, "Thank you" because there's not much to write about during baseball season.
LESBIAN SOFTBALL COACH SUES FOR HER JOB
Portland, ME -- The Maine Supreme Court heard a case yesterday where a coach of a high school softball coach claimed she was fired because of her sexual orientation.
The Court sent the case back to Penobscot County court saying, "Come on, we're the Maine Supreme Court and what the frig ever happens in Maine and besides fishing season just opened." In addition the Supreme Court Justice asked, "Really, there are lesbians coaching softball...that is just f***ing shocking."
Coach Kelly Jo Cookson claims her contract as the Brewer High School coach was not renewed in 2006 because of sexual discrimination but the County School Board is arguing she was let go after a hazing incident involving sheep feces. The school district alleges that Cookson forced her team to walk barefoot through sheep droppings in 2005 at a team picnic in order "to toughen up."
"Yes, we walked through sheep shit," said one player, "and believe me, it's no different than walking through dog, horse or cow shit." Cookson claims that sheep shit has incredible medicinal and motivational powers and claims that the exercise "built team cohesion and was a metaphor for the status of softball when compared to hardball." "Yes, softball is the sheep shit of sports," she claims, "and I wanted the girls to feel that all the way down to the soles of their feet," she pleaded emotionally.
In what the school district claims was the cruelest of part of the act, Cookson made the players recite the phrase "Sheep Shit" twenty times in a row. "Go ahead, just try saying sheep shit twenty times without messing up," said Superintendant Art Wooley. "These girls were just plain traumatized," added Wooley while scratching himself.
Motivational speaker Rodney King pleaded with everyone, "Please can't we all just get along?"
If a bear shits in the woods why doesn't a sheep enjoy the same privacy?
DUMPING STILL TO BE ALLOWED AT NEW JETS, GIANTS STADIUM
East Rutherford, NJ -- The New York Jets and Giants signed a memorandum of understanding with the Environmental Protection Agency and several major northeast crime families that will make the new $1.6 billion dollar Meadowlands the "greenest of all football stadiums."
In part keeping with the North Jersey tradition of killing and dumping unsavory characters in the Meadowlands area, the EPA insisted the practice continue. "Dumping dead guys in New Jersey is one of the best things we can do for the environment," said longtime environmentalist Nick "The Tree" Rotelli. "You see like we're all made of like organic shit and like when you dump some f***ing bastard in a swamp like it decomposes like back to like useful organic material," he explained.
One stadium official who insisted he remain anonymous for some unknown reason said, "Tradition is very important when you're building something new and we have a great tradition here that should be respected." "And," he added, "it' good for the environment."
Giants coach Tom Coughlin, also jumped on the "Green" bandwagon saying, "I can't tell you how many times I'm in North Jersey and I see a flower and I think, 'ey that could be like part of Jimmy Hoffa."
Some traditions are just worth keeping and dumping in North Jersey is one of them.
CALIPARI LEFT MEMPHIS WITH OFFICE SUPPLIES
Memphis, TN -- The University of Memphis is reeling from new allegations by the NCAA that several players were accepted to the school with doctored SAT scores. However this scandal pales compared to the massive office supply theft that the school discovered over the weekend.
Apparently, former coach John Calipari cleaned out the entire office supply cabinet and made off to Lexington, Kentucky with an entire tractor trailer full of pens, pencils, and copy paper.
Rumors have been circulating that Calipari, long known for his office supply fetish, took off from Memphis in the middle of the night leaving the Tigers without envelopes or gummed labels. "The gummed labels is what really has us pissed," said one athletic department spokesperson. " "Gummed labels sounds suggestive, doesn't it?" he asked.
Former Kentucky coach Billy Gillespie warned Calipari before he took the job that the Wildcats would not give him a signed contract nor would he have a budget for office supplies. A UK spokesperson explained, "For $35 million bucks we think John can stop at Staples on the way and get his own shit."
Gillespie found out this week that he never had a contract with the University nor did he coach them for the past two years. Calipari insisted he would have a contract and he would demand a Staples card and that as A D-1 coach, "you have to have a large quantity of erasers if you want to do SAT's right." He added, "Don't feel sorry for me, I'll cheat my ass off like I've always had."
It's easy to replace John Calipari but it's going to be tougher to replace the stolen office supplies.
SERGIO GARCIA NAMED PROM QUEEN
Los Angeles, CA -- PGA golfer and recently heartbroken ex-boyfriend of Morgan Leigh Norman (daughter of Greg), was selected as prom queen at Fairfax Senior High School in Hollywood last Saturday evening.
Garcia was recently dumped by his girlfriend and attributed his recent poor golf play to just "being down and sad cause no one loves me." PGA observers went to calling Garcia names like "pussy", "wimp", and "wuss" after he publicly admitted that "I was in love for the first time and I was walking on air."
Golfing great Jack Nicklaus commented, "Walking on air? What the f***? This is the hard nose PGA we're talking about...let's get this prancing Spainards some hormone shots."
Garcia hadn't been able to break 100 on a miniature golf course since the break-up but is said to be re-capturing his swing after being named prom queen. The students at the high school agreed that "any guy with the sensitivity to admit that he has feelings and those feeling are really, really hurt after being rejected by your lover deserves to be prom queen."
"It's one of the happiest days of my life," said the beaming Garcia. "Green jacket? Who cares! I've got a tierra and I'm sparkling," he exclaimed as he took the long runway walk. Garcia told reporters that with his new found support system, "Just watch me take a major this summer."
TENNIS PHENOM CREDITS CHICKEN WITH SUCCESS
Bucharest, Romania -- It's good to know that in these days of instantaneous cyber gratification, that there is still the old fashion pleasure of just looking at good tennis.
Some readers may remember when googling simply meant staring at a fine female specimen with just your imagination. But with some high tech help with modern googling you may also simply stare at a fine female specimen just your imagination. Presenting exhibit A, young tennis star Simona Halep.
The ever modest Halep has taken the tennis world by storm and is poised to make a major career move at Wimbledon. Halep credits her up and coming success to Romanian chicken. "It's got to be the chicken," explained Halep.
"In Romania, chickens are genetically engineered and fed a diet of synthetic hormones designed for maximum growth," said Romanian chicken czar Nikolai Pardu. "And we believe that a chicken only diet contributes to the athletic prowess of our young Romanian athletes," he added.
The International Tennis Federation will meet later this month to discuss the legality of the chicken hormone theory. "We believe the Romanian chicken is contributing to a bigger, better female tennis player," said Federation director L. Harry Flynt, "and the question becomes is this legal and can we live with it?" Flynt emphatically stated, "Yes, we can!"
As Halep munched on a plate of Romanian wings, her tennis coach Nikolai Pardu observed, "Wow, I couldn't help but notice, Simona has lovely Bucharests."
As those cows say, "Eat more Chik-in!"
DANICA PATRICK LENDS NAME TO CLEAN WATER MOVEMENT
Indianapolis, IN -- There's a lot more to race car driver and part-time sex symbol Danica Patrick than meets the eye.
The popular fixture on the racing circuit proved yesterday that she is not just another self-absorbed narcissist when she announced she would throw her considerable public persona behind the environmental movement. Patrick said she will work with various anti-pollution groups promoting "green" alternatives.
"I know I drive a car around in a circle wasting and depleting precious fossil fuels while entertaining near retarded southerners and polluting the air and believe me I feel bad about that but I do really want clean water," explained Patrick. "Clean water is important because when I'm hot after driving, I reach for a bottle of water and I don't like if it's all dirty," she added. "And," she stressed, "without water we would probably get all shriveled up after a couple of days."
Patrick told an audience of environmental activists that, "I really hate when there are little squiggly things in my water because you don't know what they are and squigglies really creep me out so let's make sure MY water is clean."
Several activists expressed excitement that Patrick went public with her green desires. "All of a sudden I'm feeling this natural relationship between auto racing and the environmental movement...maybe we can talk her in to joining Greenpiece," said one activist.
Patrick demonstrating the importance of clean water.
DALLAS INSTITUTES INTELLIGENCE TEST FOR CHEERLEADERS
Dallas, TX -- Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones said he was tired of his coveted cheerleading squad being referred to "as just a bunch of large breasted, sweet assed, bimbos" and now wants to take the girls in a whole new direction.
"I'm interested in the triumph of substance over form," explained Jones. "I think what American men want are women who are only moderately attractive but who are very intelligent," he added. "Okay, so I may be a little drunk...no I'm a lot drunk...oh yeah and I'm on heroin too," said Jones.
With that Jones is adding a 10-question test to the cheerleading tryouts. After the girls individually strip and perform a lap dance in Jones' office, then they will complete a short general knowledge quiz. Prospective cheerleaders will have to answer questions such as, "What city do the Cowboys play in?" and "Do you spell 'bad rug on Jerry's head', toupee or toupe?"
Jones said that he believes it is possible that a person with large breasts can still have a high IQ but then added, "Okay, you got me, but you have to admit, Wade Phillips does have very fine breasts."
A new crop of Cowboy cheerleaders are out to change those tired old stereotypes.
CANSECO KNOWS HE'S IN FOR A FIGHT IN JAPAN
Yokohoma, Japan -- Jose Canseco knows he's in for the fight of his life. The former Oakland A's slugger turned mixed martial arts fighter is set to take on 348 lb. Korean giant Hung Man Choi in a dream card tonight at the Yokohoma Arena.
"I'm not scared because I take steroids, but wow, he's Hung Man, so I hope we don't have to shower together" said the relaxed Canseco. "But steroids make me sort of crazy at times where I just freak out and beat women who won't give me cheap sex, so don't think I'm afraid of a 7'0", 340 lb. giant," he assured.
Canseco is 1-2 in MMA career so far with a close but quality loss to former Partridge Family member Danny Bonaduce. "I have the utmost respect for Danny Bonaduce both as a Partridge family member and as a fighter and truthfully I'd like to get Shirley Jones in the ring or anywhere else cause for an old gal, she's still pretty hot."
Jones, the matriarch of the Partridge family, had her own musical and stage career cut short by steroid and other drug usage. Bonaduce said that Jones was so "roided out that she could load the entire tour bus including speakers and lighting equipment by herself and then sing a quaint diddy while lifting son David Cassidy over her head." "Towards the end of her career, Shirley was unpredictable and she would just go into homicidal rages over silly things like leaving the toilet seat up," explained Bonaduce.
For his part, Canseco said, "Watching old episodes of the Partridge Family on You Tube just makes me long for simpler days when I had money and was not forced to prostitute myself in this asinine pseudo-sport called MMA."
Giant monsters in Japan make us long for simpler days when we didn't have to come up with stupid pseudo-journalistic pieces every friggin' day.
LPGA INSTITUTES NEW GOLF PANTS
Rancho Breefo, CA -- The LPGA unveiled their new official golf pants at this weekend's Midol Skins Game.
The pants allow for "much more freedom of movement," said designer Rene LeFlambeau. "Golf skirts can be very limiting in both style and functionality," added LeFlambeau. "These new pants address all of the former golf attire problems across the sport," he assured.
Golf fans seem to appreciate the new look with 17 million fans trying to score tickets for this weekend's event. "I like them," said first time LPGA attendee Fred Fundy. "I like them a lot," said his friend Bo Skimpalinsky. "I like them a whole lot," said another friend Don Uthin.
Several golfers commented that the new outfits may suggest that the LPGA is interested in marketing sex instead of golf. An LPGA spokesperson said, "Absolutely, we are marketing sex and I ask you, would you rather watch golf played by big, fat drunk guys like John Daly or watch golf played by half-naked women?"
Point well taken!
We are all for throwing negative LPGA stereotypes to the wind.
SKATING INVESTIGATION COMPLETE
Los Angeles, CA -- A three-year investigation into the World Figure Skating Association ended yesterday with the release of their two-page report.
"We got three years worth of jobs out of this," said lead investigator Hank Braney. "We looked and didn't find much," he added, "hence we could only muster a two-page report and one page is the title page."
Braney said that even double spacing couldn't expand their report. "You know like when you have a 10-page paper due and you've only got around five-pages worth of material and you got stretch the shit out of it? Well, here there was nothing wrong in skating and no matter how hard we looked we couldn't find anything wrong in the sport," Braney explained.
The report says that figure skating "has really the best female outfits in sports aside from pole dancing." It goes on to say, "not all men in figure skating are gay, it just seems that way." Braney admitted, "We didn't find any out and out straight guys but that's not to say there aren't any in figure skating but WMD's in Iraq and straight guys in figure skating seem to have one thing in common, there aren't any."
The report does stand firm that the sport is drug free "though most people who sit through an entire skating program should consider some sort of psychotropic therapy."
There's something sexual going on here, we're not sure but we believe the investigation should continue.
VICK CALLED ON IMMEDIATELY UPON RELEASE FROM JAIL
Pittsburgh, PA -- It didn't take long for released felon Michael Vick to find employment. Yesterday, Pittsburgh Steelers defensive end James Harrison's son was bitten by the family pit bull and immediately called Mike Vick to help ease the tensions around the situation.
Fortunately, Harrison's son suffered a bite to the thigh but will make a full recovery. The boy was bitten when his wife let the hungry dog from his pen but she was able to release the boy from the dog's bite with the help of a 36 ounce Louisville slugger.
"It's a wonderful baseball product," exclaimed Mrs. Harrison, "if you want to beat the snot out of a pit bull, it's unparalleled." Later husband James brainstormed, "Well we've got this angry pit bull around the house and we've got Mike Vick out of jail with nothing to do, I think that's called synergy."
With a bit
of legal maneuvering and some help from NFL commissioner
Roger Goodell, Vick was allowed to travel to Pittsburgh and
spend some time with the pup. "I gots news for you," said
Harrison, "the sight of Mike Vick had that dog crapping all
over the living room rugs." The smiling Vick could only say,
"It's really great to be out of Leavenworth and working
again."
Vick said that he was very proud that he could still
contribute as he collected several wagers on the Harrison
dog. "This is a mother f***ing bad ass boy," said Vick as he
took the muzzle off the dog and released in the makeshift
living room ring.
Trust us when we tell you, this breed is just flat out misunderstood...they are just terrific around small children.
METS CALL UP DICKSON
New York, NY -- The New York Mets went to their farm system to shake thing up by calling up rookie shortstop Everitt Dickson.
Dickson, a former first round draft pick, has been laboring in the Single A league for the past twelve years. "Seriously, I was just hanging around baseball for the free chaw," said Dickson. "Who'd ever think they knew my name?" asked the surprised 32-year-old shortstop.
After Jose Reyes went down with a calf injury the other day, the Mets front office had no choice but to fill the middle infield with Dickson. "He's a bit of loose cannon," said manager Jerry Manual, but he can definitely shake things up," promised the skipper.
Dickson promised, "I give the fans something worth paying for and I'm a proven leader in both the clubhouse and on the field...I play the game between the lines...I give a 110%...I come to park with my lunch pail...I'm looking for a few more baseball cliches...can someone please throw me one?"
Dickson circling the bases just so he could get some exposure.
OSCAR DE LA HOYA FIGHTS BIGGER BATTLE
Los Angeles, CA -- Fighter Oscar De La Hoya may be in for one of the biggest battles of his life.
The fight is taking place not in the ring but in his own tormented soul. "I will fight this thing with my last breath," said the determined boxer after admitting he harbored impure thoughts about his first cousin, talk show host Saisy De La Hoya.
De La Hoya defended himself saying that it is only natural to covet a good looking first cousin but he firmly understood the genetic implications of marrying or at the very least have some sort of relations with Saisy. "Yes, but I have considered moving to West Virginia and then the whole inter-familial thing goes away," he pondered.
Several observers close to the situation say that under all the make-up and sex appeal, Saisy is just "plain average but sassy." "Look, lets face it," said one friend, "if you have a hot first cousin, you've thought about it at least once and then the Mendelian genetics thing retards the impulse, so to speak."
De La Hoya vowed that he would continue fighting "until these thoughts are beat out of me."
Okay, say she IS your first cousin, and she shows up at Thanksgiving dinner looking like this...are you really going to be thinking turkey?
CARDINALS SHORTSTOP GREENE PUNISHES HIMSELF
St. Louis, MO -- Khalil Greene, the struggling shortstop for the St. Louis Cardinals, asked manager Tony LaRussa to play him less so that he may work on the mental aspects of his game.
Greene explained that he experiences anxiety when he plays poorly because he is making lots of money to play baseball well and when you play baseball poorly when you're paid to play well, well then you just might not get paid. Khalil has struggled both on the field (batting .204) and in the field missing routine grounders that even beginning t-ball players handle.
After games Greene has admitted to punishing himself for poor play. "Sometimes I'll send myself to my room after dinner with no dessert and that really makes me mad when I do that," he said. In addition when he makes an error he goes home and often takes a belt and spanks himself. "Spare the rod, spoil the child is my motto and the boy has got to learn to focus and play baseball," emphasized the stern Greene. "Truthfully I'm even thinking of grounding myself and not being allowed to go to a sleepover at my friend Timmy's house on Friday," threatened Greene.
Cardinals manager LaRussa said, "I wish more players would punish themselves and maybe we could clean up this game of major league baseball." LaRussa added, "Imagine if Manny Ramirez gave himself an boiling hot enema for abusing steroids? That would send a message to himself!"
Greene promised to punish himself for having a name like Khalil as he hit himself on the side of his head with a bat.
WORLD'S STRONGEST MAN COMPETITION MARRED BY TRAGEDY
Mohegan Sun, CT -- For all of you youngster who have dreams of pulling a school bus or two or lifting two several ton bridge supports, maybe you might dream differently.
After this weekend's "Strongest Man In The World" competition, Swen Torkelson is thinking that maybe there's a downside to the dream. "The dream of the strongest man competition is a lie!" screamed Torkelson. Torkelson has just attempted to pull a caravan of eight buses filled with Rosie O'Donnell and 424 of her closest friends from her weight loss support group.
No one had the nerve to attempt such a feat but Torkelson said, "All my life I dreamed that one day I could pull buses with large overweight lesbians and straight women and thereby become the world's strongest man." However as Torkelson grunted and moaned and pulled and then grunted some more and then move the buses about a half of a millimeter and then screamed again and then tried to really bear down by taking a deep breath and yelling something in Swedish and then with all of his might he tried one more time and there on the ground laid his popped testicles.
Doctors rushed to the scene where they gather up the testicles and tried an emergency "ball repackaging" operation in a quickly improvise medical tent but it was too late. "Balls can only live successfully on their own for about fifteen minutes," explained urologist Dr. Udibeh Karfull, "and we were probably about two minutes late and now Swen will go through life wondering what could have been."
Torkelson picked up his ball and went home while Rosie O'Donnell philosophically said, "I think this may be the first time a man has given up his balls for me."
If you look real, real careful like, you can see Rosie O'Donnell standing right near the passenger door.
INDIA TAKES ON CLEVELAND
Nanananaheyheygudbi, INDIA -- The Indian Parliament met yesterday in an emergency session and declared that "we forbid the city of Cleveland to defame us any longer."
Longtime activist Rao Puni Muni Muni said, "Using the name Indians for a baseball team without our permission is over, unless of course you pay us buckets of rupees!" For years tensions have been rising over the illegal name usage and millions and millions of Indians claim offense and are ready to take the debate to a new level.
"We have nuclear weapons," said government spokesperson Gupti Guppi, "and we will annihilate Cleveland if they don't get that silly looking Indian off of their uniforms." He added, "And to make matters worse, they are the doormat of the AL Middle conference which reminds me, that I haven't been pleased with this silly MLB realignment for some time."
Secretary of Defense Robert Gates responded to the crisis by saying that the U.S. "would stand idly by and let Indian demolish Cleveland." Gates said it was in the country's best interest to have India attack Cleveland. "Okay, it'll be a little inconvenient for a few days with no Dunkin' Donuts or 7-11's but hey when it's all said and done, no Cleveland," he chuckled.
Team officials are worried that the Indian action may have some impact on this season's attendance.
BRETT FAVRE HAS SUCCESSFUL "AGE" SURGERY
Minneapolis, MN -- Currently unemployed NFL quarterback Brett Favre underwent corrective age surgery yesterday in move designed to give him at least another ten years of playing time.
Favre, 43, before the operation, emerged 10 years younger and said, "Hey, I really like that young George Bush guy for President." The Minnesota Vikings immediately signed Favre to a long term contract saying, "Like the rest of America, we never ever ever want to see Brett Favre go away and we'll be thrilled that a Minnesota Viking will be front and center on a 'Wrangler' commercial."
Longtime television and recently retired analyst John Madden also announced that he would come out of retirement just to keep saying, "Brett Favre is amazing" and "Brett Favre is the greatest football player in our galaxy and all of the others."
Favre, in a hospital gown told reporters, "The way I feel right now I could probably play for another 82 years but I'll probably announce my retirement after this season and come back again and again because it's just so f***ing annoying to everyone...yes, America, I'll never go away!"
Favre before and after surgery. "Gee, I look just like Jeff George now!" Favre exclaimed.
JOCKEY SUSPENDED FOR URINE SWAP
Queensland, Australia -- A Rockhampton jockey was disqualified from racing for 18 months after he deceived racing stewards' drug testing procedures.
Jockey Dale Evans designed a "sophisticated" device that he gave to female jockey Donna Carrigg that contained his urine which she would then substitute for her own drug infested pee. The device was a tied condom full of urine with a sharpened lollipop stick which the female jockey placed under her armpit. When she was to be tested, she could take out the condom, pierce it with the stick and place in the testing container thereby testing clean.
Carrigg, an alleged crack ho junkie who races part-time, feared that her career might end prematurely. Apparently she asked Evans to pee into a condom and the ruse was born. "Wow, peeing into a condom is really difficult and the whole time I was doing it, I thought, 'wow what a waste of a perfectly good rubber," explained Evans to the judge. The judge agreed and chastised Evans saying, "Now confused teenage boys will be pulling that one condom from their wallet to take a leak and they'll be a whole generation of kids born because of your twisted example."
Evans did tell the court, "I will tell you that if you like in a crowded public place and there are no public restrooms, the peeing in the condom thing is really convenient." The judge responded saying, "You know it's not a bad idea in theory, but come on, go off somewhere, find a tree, relieve yourself and save the condom for a weekend."
Here's a nifty idea, condoms for your cat. Condom usage is only limited by your imagination.
qualified for urin
CARMELO'S FIANCEE SUSTAINS DAMAGE IN FAN FIGHT
Dallas, TX -- An MTV personality and girlfriend of Denver Nuggets forward Carmelo Anthony was ejected from the Mavericks arena after brawling with a fan over some unknown slight.
La La Vasquez, a model and holder of some finely endowed surgically improved breasts, tussled with a middle-aged, not so well put together Maverick fan. Allegedly an argument ensued when Dallas fan Sue Ann Baker asked Vasquez to adjust her left breast which was obstructing her (Baker's) view.
Vasquez took offense to the comment saying something like, "These breasts are worth more than your house," which infuriated Baker. Baker responded by saying, "Though this economic downturn has sapped a shitload of equity from my home, it better be worth more than those titties of yours or else I'll never be able to retire." With that Baker threw down the gauntlet and the two began punching, screaming, and shouting obscenities.
In the melee Vazquez sustained some damage to the left breast which incited the whole incident. Vazquez was escorted from the arena and taken to a nearby Dallas hospital with her chest severely out of balance. "When she walked in here, she was really off-balance and couldn't maneuver a straight line," said emergency physician Dr. Larry Folks. "But fortunately, those babies are equipped with an air valve and we just put in a inflating needle and pumped the bad boy back up."
Yes, that is the left one that caused the bulk of the problem in Dallas. If you are facing La La, the left one would be on your right.
MICHAEL PHELPS ACTUALLY JUMPS IN POOL YESTERDAY
Baltimore, MD -- Olympic champion Michael Phelps shocked the sporting world yesterday when he went for a swim.
Phelps, who has recently run into a string of reports about illicit drug use, drinking, and stripper sex, surprised fans when yesterday he said, "I like I'll go swimming." Reports surfaced over the weekend that the swimmer engaged in a "three-way" with two strippers at a drunken orgy at his apartment.
Yesterday Phelps said that a nice relaxing swim after an orgy is "just what the doctor ordered." He explained, "Three-ways really tire you out and frankly my muscles were flat out overworked and when that happens the only thing for me to do is get in the pool." Phelps said he would set his goals for 2010 even higher than last year. "I believe I could get in the 5 or 6 range with some more drugs and a bit more focus."
One young Phelps idol, 8-year-old swimmer Toby Grishem said as he watched his idol swim in the pool, "Wow, drugs, drink, and three-ways, am I ever glad I gave up travel soccer for swimming."
Never realized this was the sign for a "three way" merge.
ed
CLIPPERS LOOK TO GET BIG UP FRONT
Los Angeles, CA -- After coming off another disaster of a season, the Los Angeles Clippers said yesterday that they would try and "get big" in the upcoming June draft.
Clippers head coach Mike Dunleavy explained, "I'm short and I think I'm taller than our tallest player and we all know that the NBA has lots of tall people and we're not a tall team so we oughta go out and get some tall players so we can play against other teams with tall players."
The Clippers feel they can no longer rely on a front line of Zach Randolph, Al Thornton, and Chris Kaman because as Dunleavy further explained, "We really suck and we're probably at the very height of pure suckitude or suckatash so maybe we oughta re-think the idea of having a basketball team to begin with."
Clippers owner, the notorious cheap and sleazy Donald Sterling asked, "Do you think I look like Al Davis? Cause if I look like Al Davis I'm going to kill myself!" Later Sterling said, "Let's skip the draft this year and underpay some circus people to suit up for us next season."
Introducing the 2009-10 Los Angeles Clippers.
DERBY WOMAN RECOVERING FROM TARANTULA ATTACK
Lexington, KY -- A 45-year-old horse racing fan is recovering nicely after a brutal attack on her face by a wayward tarantula.
Irma Forbush was enjoying the Kentucky Derby festivities last Saturday when a giant, hairy, scary black tarantula climbed up her leg on onto her face. Thousands of fans stop by helplessly watching, paralyzed with fear, while the overgrown spider feasted on the upper torso and facial parts of the very attractive Forbush.
"It was just horrible," said Shelly Mussle. "It was absolutely horrible," added another fan, Bev Elle. "No, it was truly, truly horrible," emphasized Kay Knodoosh. Paramedics and animal control staff rushed the scene where they subdued the tarantula with a 7-gallon canister of Raid Tarantula B-Gone spray.
Forbush was taken to Lexington General Hospital where she was treated and is now undergoing face rehabilitation. Doctors say the tarantula ate half of her face but as one doctor said, "It was the side with the big hairy mole so obviously the tarantula got mixed up and was in some type of sexual frenzy." Dr. Kip Ewateing explained, "Actually it's a pretty efficient way of getting rid of those unsightly, hairy moles that usually visit older Italian women...you can go through all the trouble of having a doctor freeze them off or you can just put a tarantula on your face."
The tarantula ate half of her face and her husband commented, "Hopefully she'll talk half as much."
MANNY RAMIREZ OFFERS WET NURSING TO YOUNG FANS
Los Angeles, CA -- The Los Angeles Dodgers will play the next fifty games with a big hole in the middle of their lineup and without a pretty nice pair of jugs to which fans have become accustomed.
Leftfielder Manny Ramirez was suspended yesterday for violating baseball's ban on performance enhancing drugs. Ramirez admitted to taking "Midol" , a drug that help relieve the monthly symptoms of menstrual cramping. But even worse, Ramirez tested positive for a female fertility drug, HCG. The name is really long so look it up somewhere in a medical dictionary if you really need the information.
Ramirez
showing off his prized breasts in the locker room yesterday.
Ramirez was upbeat and optimistic about the suspension and said he would do something positive with the time off. "I've got these fabulous breasts now and I want to use them for the good of my community," said Ramirez. Ramirez offered any Dodger fan with babies, free wet nursing for the next several months. "If you have to go out in a hurry and you need a pinch hitter, I'm your gal," quipped Manny. "Please use my breasts as a stop gap measure, that's what there there for," he promised.
"Leave it to Manny to turn something bad into something great for the community," said Dodger manager Joe Torre. "There's a lot of guys, who if they had breasts, would horde them and sort of just play with them all day, but not Manny," added Torre. Bud Selig, MLB commissioner weighed in saying, "A lot of players get a bad rap for being spoiled billionaires but Manny proves that a spoiled billionaire can feed a lot of hungry kids...you go girl!"
FEATURE: WHERE ARE THEY NOW?
Recently Jockweb's Fred Collingdale caught up with former Phoenix Suns forward Larry Nance. Nance, the three-time NBA dunk champion, is now teaching "Levitation" at Paw-Paw Community College as an adjunct faculty member. Here is an excerpt from Collingdale's coming feature to appear in the upcoming Jockweb Super Sunday edition:
FC: So what are you doing right now, Larry?
LN: I'm levitating.
FC: For most of our readers with a limited vocabulary who probably didn't score too well on the verbal section of their SAT's
and are stuck in meaningless jobs and a hopeless sense that life holds no promise for them and so they must spend hours
and hours on stupid internet web spots, what does levitation mean?
LN: Like I'm levitating, see me up here, like I ain't down there with you, is I?
FC: So my question to you then is how do I levitate?
LN: How the hell am I supposed to know, I just levitate.
FC: If some of our readers want to levitate, what should they do?
LN: Get a f***ing basketball and levitate.
FC: It's that easy?
LN: Yeah, it's that easy.
SAINTS' RECEIVERS ALARM ENTIRE CITY
Gretna, LA -- New Orleans Saints receivers Biren Ealy and Kolomona Kapanui were arrested in the wee hours of the morning yesterday and charged with public lewdness and the very rare charge of "inciting a flood."
Ealy and Kapanuni, who both played on the Saints' practice squad last year and are expected to make the team this year, got drunk and then did the dreaded public urination thing. However according to one police inspector, their urination was so strong and powerful that it set off the newly installed flood alarm system throughout the city.
"We evacuated the city just as a precaution," said FEMA coordinator Dixey Ray Dixey. "The system is very sensitive and these two gentlemen had some pretty strong flow going, so the system picked it up as a flood," she explained. Ealy and Kapunui were apologetic and pleaded for mercy. "You never really consider the consequences when you're drunk and whip out your dong," said Kapanui.
Ealy asked district justice Mabel Weathersby, "Come on, be totally honest with me, don't you pee in public at least once a month?" The judge did admit that she pee-ed "on golf courses and in my neighbor's backyard cause the guy is just a dick." Later the two football players were released on $75 bail and told "don't flee, don't pee," by the judge. H
LT BREAKS PARTNER'S LEG
Los Angeles, CA -- Former New York Giants linebacker and coke fiend turned ballroom dancer Lawrence Taylor severely injured partner Edyta Swilinska's leg while executing a tango move.
Taylor and Swilinska were eliminated from the competition "Dancing with the Stars" and Taylor blamed Swilinska for "poor footwork." Afterwards Taylor tried to teach Swilinska a "five-step drop" then by instinct, tackled her breaking her leg in several places.
"Truthfully, it was a better hit than the one I put on Joe Theismann but she'll get rid of the ball faster from now on," said the breathless Taylor. Swilinska for her part, received a compound fracture and will endure several surgeries over the next year to repair the injury. However, she remained upbeat and optimistic. "Lawrence and I will be back in the competition and I believe the judges are going to see a couple who can dance and who can hit," she promised.
Taylor commented, "We're going to put a pole in this competition and most definitely we're gettin' niked and I won't even care if I win."
Moments before Taylor leveled Swilinska. Wow, the pole is gonna make us tune in.
SERENA WILLIAMS: "I'M THE BEST DESPITE THE RANKINGS!"
Lexington, KY -- Tennis player Serena Williams announced that "I'm am the best at everything in the whole world," despite being ranked 2nd in the new tennis rankings behind Dinara Safina.
Williams disputed the predictions that Mine That Bird will win the Preakness and she rates herself as the best racehorse in the Preakness field because, "Quite frankly, I'm the best in the world."
Williams told a news conference that, "Go ahead try and name something that I'm not the best in the world," she dared reporters. However, despite that evidence to the contrary, Williams predicted, "IF I wanted to I could win the Triple Crown," and with that entered herself in the remaining two major horse races, the Preakness and the Belmont Stakes. "I got the best hind quarters in the world and after I'm done that I'm going to submit my name for Miss Universe and after that I'm going to win the Tour de France, and after that, I'm running for President in 2012 because I'm better than anyone at anything."
Immediately after the news conference, Williams shot up to a lottery pick in the NBA's June draft. New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick predicted, "There are going to be a lot of teams lined up to sign Serena." President Obama declared, "I want Serena Williams to handle the war in Afghanistan and then untangle the mess in Iraq because, quite frankly, she's the best in the world."
"I think I'll get up tomorrow and write and direct a movie and win seven Academy Awards and after that I'll probably decide to cure vaginal herpes," she promised. "All in all, I'll be busy this summer being the best in the world," she said as spectators held up their middle fingers shouting "Best this, bitch!"
Okay, okay, we'll agree on the No. 1 "booty" ranking.
BULLS REFUSE TO GIVE UP GAME BALL
Boston, MA -- A major NBA bruhaha began on Saturday night and continues through today after the Celtics defeated the Chicago Bulls in 37 overtimes.
The series had been characterized by overtime after overtime and when the Celtics finally finished off the Bulls in game seven, the Bulls refused to leave the arena. "We're gonna keep playing until football season begins," screamed Bulls forward Jokeem Noah. Noah insisted, "I think I spell my name Jokeem but it might be Joakim or it might be Hokiem but who cares, we gonna keep playing this series."
Guard Ben Gordon refused to give up the game ball and informed the Celtics, "No, it's mine and you can't have it unless you let me keep playing." NBA commissioner David Stern tried to negotiate a settlement to the crisis but to no avail. Stern pleaded with the Bulls to give the ball back and even offered them free plane fare back to Chicago but the team insisted on a Game 8. Stern admitted, "You know if we extended the playoffs to the best of 20, we could make a boatload of cash."
Several Celtic players asked the question, "Are we the Celtics or the Keltics?" Guard Ray Allen confusedly danced a two step jig with his arms tied to his sides saying, "I believe I'm a hellava Keltic dancer."
Several Kelts try and wrestle the game ball from Gordon. "We want it for our trophy cabinet," said Glenn "Baby" Davis.
MARK CUBAN BUYS SWINE FLU
Dallas, TX -- For the past week countries have been pointing fingers at each other over who's country is responsible for the outbreak of swine flu.
The Americans blame the Mexicans, the Mexicans blame the Brazilians, the Brazilians blame the Chileans, who blame the British who blame the French and so on and so on. President Obama announced yesterday, "It's extremely important that we blame someone for this virus and then make them feel, as a whole country, like complete shitheads for making the rest of us sick."
The Israelis held up there hands yesterday saying, "Hey don't look at us, we haven't eaten pork since 3413 BC so it must be those f***ing Iranians." Iranian President Mahmoud Asmingarbardsodoodadooda reacted angrily saying, "You want to pin this swine thing on me, you talking to me, are you sure you're talking to me? I don't see anyone else in the room so you must be talking to me." With that he pulled out a nuclear weapon and promised to "wipe out the earth all except for about ten of my best friends."
However, Mark Cuban of the Dallas Mavericks, saved the day when he agreed to buy the name "swine flu." "I think owning the swine flu will be a great opportunity." "For chrissakes," said Cuban, "I paid Keith Van Horn $30 million over three years and I felt like getting the flu and dying so owning a major viral strain is a piece of cake." "Besides," emphasized Cuban, "for some reason people don't like me, so it's only natural that I own an epidemic."
So beginning today, we can all safely ask each other, "How's that Cuban flu pan-epidemic going?"
Stick out your tongue, you may be walking around with Cuban flu and not even know it.
PATERNO'S LUCID OBSERVATION: "IT'S NOT THE BIG TEN"
State College, PA -- 82-year-old Penn State football legend held his annual end of spring practice press conference yesterday.
He told reporters things like, "I can't wait to play Ohio State tomorrow" and "Like I was telling Bo Schembechler the other day," but he did have one very clear un-senior moment when he realized, "Hey, we're not in the Big Ten, we're in the Big Eleven."
Big Ten officials were upset that "Paterno finally noticed." Key league administrators had kept the fact from Paterno for the past ten years. "We thought we'd get away with it but he finally figured it out," said Kant Kownt. Paterno was livid and threatened not to play in 1992 Sugar Bowl. "I respect the hell out of Bear Bryant but if we have to cancel the game over this thing, I can do it, because I feel that strongly about the issue," Paterno added.
Paterno wants the league to add another team and call the league the "Big Twelve." "Or we can add two teams and call it the "Big Thirteen." Paterno assured officials, "Let's keep adding by two but only add by one when we state our name thereby maintaining the purity of the league."
The league announced that they would form a task force to study the issue. "We going to call a league meeting in the Bahamas and we'll try and decide how to add teams while not counting properly thereby insuring that we always have more teams than our name suggests."
Amazingly Paterno received a big clue from this banner. "I'll be darn, there's eleven teams here!" he mused.
SUPPLEMENT MANUFACTURER SUES PHILLIES RELIEVER
Camden, NJ -- A nutritional supplement manufacturer is suing Phillies reliever J.C. Romero in a counter move after Romero filed court papers earlier this week claiming their product led him to test positive for banned substances.
Romero attorneys argue that Proviant and Ergopharm, the makers of 6-OXO and 6 OXO Extreme failed to list on their product that taking their product would led to suspension from Major League Baseball. Romero was suspended for the first 50 games of this season and wants his money back and also claims that the product made him grow a "third testicle."
Proviant and Ergopharm counter by saying the Romero's third testicle is a great benefit of their product and he should give them compensation for "a really useful new body part." For years the company's product has promised renewed vigor and increase energy and they say, "a third testicle add more ball to balls and we know that the more balls you have in an athletic contest the better the player."
P & E spokesperson Baggy Skrotomm defended the company by saying, "Not only is a third testicle useful but think of how much fun he'll have showing it off at parties." Romero claims that the third ball has become a nuisance. "All my underwear has to be refitted," he said, "and truthfully it takes twice as long than before to fix my package." Skrotomm angrily retorted, "Baseball players spend the majority of their time adjusting their testicles on television so we think we're adding real value to the baseball watching experience."
CHICAGO BEARS LINEBACKER MAY MISS SEASON DUE TO SHAVING INJURY
Chicago, IL -- Chicago Bears linebacker Lance Briggs may have to sit out the entire 2009 season due to a shaving injury.
Briggs met with reporters the day after he tried shaving with a straight-edged razor to get an "extra close" shave. "It was extra close alright, like try talking about removing five layers of skin," he explained. Briggs went through over ten hours in an operating room where doctor ferociously attempted to "septic pencil" his face back to health. "Wow that mother f***ing septic bitch stings the shit out of a face," Briggs expressed with surprise.
Briggs did not attend a mandatory offseason Bears workout on Monday because of the shaving incident. Coach Lovie Smith commented, "Lance is a stubborn guy...I've been on him for his entire career to get a double edged Bic razor but he's resisted." The injury constitutes a violation of Briggs' contract and he may forfeit his entire pay due to the shaving mishap.
A Bears' spokesperson explained, "Clearly his contract stipulates a 'no shaving' clause and we're very specific about our players engaging in risky behaviors during the offseason...cheerleaders however are another matter altogether since we do encourage them to at least shave their armpits and any other unsightly body hair that may interfere with a fan's sexual fantasy."
Former NFL Hall of Fame running back O.J. Simpson commented, "Them singled edged razors are sweet and that 'Hey Judge I was just shaving and the bitch put her neck right next to the blade' makes a great defense."
Those septic pencils really
come in handy when you cut yourself shaving, just be careful
you don't accidentally sit on one.
NCAA INVESTIGATES PRINCETON SAILING TEAM
Princeton, NJ -- The NCAA announced yesterday that they are conducting a full scale investigation into the Princeton University Sailing Team.
Princeton sailing has long been suspected of being a "dirty" program and observers near the situation say the Tigers are finally "getting what they deserve." NCAA spokesperson Bindy Bundy explained, "For years Princeton has been nothing more than a sailing factory and they've acted with impunity for far too long." Bundy said that several Princeton team members have regularly engaged in criminal activity particularly in the areas of shady "credit swaps and derivative financial instruments."
One sailing fan described the Princeton team as nothing more than "thugs in really nice white sweaters and boat shoes." "There's probably not one member of that them that got under 1500 on the SAT's and that's just plain wrong," steamed Alabama sailing coach Boo Saban.
NCAA's Bundy swore, "We're going after the death penalty here and Princeton will have to forfeit any race that will take place in Nantucket or Martha's Vineyard." Princeton team member Thurston Hollister Wellington Ferguson protested, "That's just too darn much for some bad mortgage paper...there are other teams that have done far worse like serving a 1972 Chateau deDuef du Papemaiche Bordeux with fish."
"Goddamit...I mean gosh darn it, we're going to fight this thing with a full armament of highly skilled Wall Street attorneys," said Princeton alum Hollister Ferguson Thurston Wellington the IV, "because these kids deserve an opportunity to sail around in really big, expensive boats."
TURKOGLU PUNISHES SIXERS; TAKES ON THANKSGIVING
Philadelphia, PA -- After hitting the game winning three-pointer with 2 seconds on the clock, Hedo Turkoglu grabbed his Orlando jersey, pumped out his chest and said, "Take that Sixers, you just been dissed by a Turkey!"
Throughout the game, tempers were flaring when taunts by the Philly players aimed at Turkoglu hit their mark. "The whole game, actually every game, it's the same old tired joke...'hey Turkey' or 'hey got any stuffing with that Turkey' or the worse 'hey cranberry sauce head'," explained the sharp shooting forward, who hails from Turkey.
"But I showed them, didn't I?...who's the 'Turkey' now?...na na na boo boo!" shouted Turkoglu. In his post-game press conference, Turkoglu broke down and said, "This whole Turkey thing has got to stop...can't we all just get along?" he implored.
The Magic star said that he would dedicate the rest of his career to stopping the "senseless American holiday which is Thanksgiving." "Each year millions of Turkeys are sacrificed and each time you eat a Turkey, you kill a little piece of me," he weeped. Turkoglu will put his substantial basketball fortune on the line to "try and get these Americans to eat something else on Thanksgiving like maybe beef or grilled cheese."
"For the sake of world peace and just because it's the right thing to do, please pass the mash potatoes but let the Turkey live!" he said with raised fist.
Turkoglu added, "And I
especially don't appreciate the stupid hat they always put
on Turkey head."
YANKEES CONTEMPLATE STIMULUS PACKAGE FOR UPSCALE SEATS
New York, NY -- The New York Yankees are suffering from the economic downturn as much as anyone and are straddled with a huge number of unsold overpriced seating.
Many seats priced in the $2500 range are empty in the new Yankee Stadium. "Either we're too f***ing expensive or people want more for their money," said one Yankee marketing spokesperson. For the meantime, the Yankees are discussing the relative merits of adding more value for the $2500 price tag.
"We're calling it our Eliot Spitzer package," explained Hank Steinbrenner, the ballclub president. "The package includes the infamous 3-H club," said Steinbrenner. Now with every over priced seat, the fans can get a hot dog, a ho, and a hummer. The former governor himself commented, "That's what I call value for a dollar and truthfully, with a package like that who cares who wins the game."
Treasury Secretary Timothy Geitner exclaimed, "If I wasn't a Yankee fan before, I am now!" Geitner told Congress, "It's this type of innovative thinking that's going to turn this whole economy around."
We can't, for the life of
us, figure out what that fourth "H" stands for.
WILD AUCTION OVER CHASTAIN BRA
New York, NY -- The black sports bra that made sports history when soccer player Brandi Chastain exposed it to the world after her 1999 World Cup winning goal, stirred great excitement yesterday when it was put up for auction yesterday.
The bankrupt Sports Museum of America auctioned off the bra to stave off creditors and the interest by collectors bordered on fanatical. "It was the most hard fought auction I've ever seen," said longtime bra collector Sammy Bundy. Few people are aware or understand the bra collecting underworld and Chastain's bra is the gold standard of collectors.
"I have some of the most famous bras in history including a Dolly Parton one I use as a vacation home," said Bundy, "but the Chastain bra makes me complete." Chastain for her part want her bra back. "For ten years I've been without a bra and no one has taken notice so most people think I'm just another guy, so the bra could turn things around for me," explained the concave chested Chastain.
Harve Pressman, a journalist and editor of "Bra Collector", said, "A Chastain bra is a once in a lifetime find for a collector so naturally the bidding is fierce." "I remember almost losing an eye over a Liz Taylor piece back in the 60's," said Pressman, "and bra collectors will stop at nothing to unclip a bra from a fellow bidder."
Auctioneer Ben Purvis stopped the bidding at $246,500 because in his words, "I realized in the middle of the whole event, that these were bra collectors and most likely they were all insane and I stopped and I thought, 'my whole life's meaning is tied up in a bra auction' and I decided enough is enough, I'm going to Law school."
You gotta admit, you
probably wouldn't greet Brandi with a "Hey Buddy!" Start the
bidding on the balls.
PLAYER TO LEAVE SCHOOL EARLY FOR BASKETBALL IN EUROPE
New York, NY -- Seven-year-old Jerry Taylor announced yesterday that he will leave school early, like very early, like before second grade, to pursue a professional basketball career in Europe.
Taylor, following a trend that has become popular in the United States, will bypass school with the hope of eventually returning to the NBA. With the new rules surrounding the NBA and college eligibility, Taylor said, "I don't want to get mixed up in all that shit."
Taylor's agent, Drew Rosencrantz stated the obvious, "Who needs second grade? Afterall, really, how often do you use aditshon and substacton, especially if you going to play in the NBA."
NCAA officials expressed concern that this pattern of skipping school might put a dent in the college game. One spokesperson confessed, "If a lot of good basketball players go to Europe to play then there won't be good players here to play that means we won't have any good players and and that probably won't be good will it, so do you think we should move the NCAA to Europe?"
John Calipari assured Kentucky fans, "I'm not going anywhere, I'm perfectly happy being the Kentucky basketball coach," as he signed a secret 396 trillion lira (approximately 395 billion dollars) five-year-deal with Team Anchovie of the Italian League.
Taylor showing off his
patented "two hands under the ball and throwing it as hard I
as I can up just trying to hit something" shot.
URINE DRINKING EXPLODES AS TRAINING TOOL
Colorado Springs, CO -- On the heels of MMA's Lyoto Machida's admission that he drinks a glass of his urine each day during training, the U.S. Olympic committee announced yesterday that they would encourage all athletes to hoist their glasses high.
Machida, an Ultimate Fight Champion fighter, told reporters last month that "breakfast without urine is like a day without sunshine." His admission and subsequent ass-kicking of fighter Rashad Evans, spurned global interest in the "piss pot" technique.
Longtime athletic trainer Bobby Saltz explained, "Talk about your ultimate convenience, if you not near a water cooler, it's just so easy to put a glass between your legs and get refreshed." "I like to mix mine with just small dab of Nestle's Quik for just that just hint of chocolate goodness," he added.
Olympic spokesperson Dowdy McDowell said, "I'm not sure what effect drinking your own urine has, but I will tell you the lines in the men's room are down and I've consistently been able to get the middle urinal which is my personal favorite."
Machida admitted that he never expected the publicity he received after admitting publicly that he drinks his own pee. The Brazilian said, "I am famous now, everyone yells to me 'Hey got any piss today?' and it makes me feel good except the women sometimes, they don't want to kiss me."
Gandhi used to drink his
urine daily and he once was quoted as saying, "Chicks dig
me."
LITTLE LEAGUERS BAIL OUT NATIONALS
Great Falls, VA -- Hundred of Little Leaguers from the Great Fall Little League have rallied around Washington Nationals outfielder Elijah Dukes by raising money to pay team fines.
Dukes made a public relations appearance at the Little League field on Saturday but stayed too long telling the kiddies about life in the big leagues, making him late for the Nationals night game and forcing a $500 fine.
Grubby Hayes, a 10-year-old catcher, said, "Elijah was just telling us all the cool things MLB players get to do like doing roids, and banging ho's on the road." "I guess I got carried away telling them about all the drugs and the women I've beaten," smiled Dukes, "but hey, there kids and you want to get them to dream."
Later when the kids found out Dukes was fined for lateness, they snapped into action and held a fund-raiser to pay the fine for Dukes. The kids put out milk jugs around the field collecting small change for Elijah as well as scoring a boatload of marijuana from the Bahamas and selling it a hefty 300% profit.
"It just goes to show you," said coach Sparky Fielder, "kids really love to rally around someone who needs their help." The Washington Nationals have asked the children to "please don't stop with Elijah...how about partnering with our sorry ass franchise?" Several Little Leaguers agreed that, "there's probably a sizable market for illicit drugs among the 12 or so Nationals fans."
Speaking of the soothing
effects of illicit drugs, one small reminder of this guy has
us thinking opium.
WOMAN EXTORTS EQUIPMENT FROM LOUISVILLE'S PITINO
Louisville, KY --The estranged wife of Rick Pitino's friend and equipment manager is a suspect in a complicated extortion case after the "God of Louisville," claimed, "someone is trying to extort me!"
Karen Sypher, wife of equipment manager Tim Sypher, stands accused of extorting equipment from the program. Pitino alleges through his attorneys, that Sypher had a complicated extortion scheme designed to get "lots of free Louisville athletic gear." Apparently Sypher wanted some "really cool mesh warm-up gear and was willing to raise the stakes to get Pitino to give the equipment to her."
Pitino has a reputation for not giving away "free stuff." Longtime Louisville basketball fan Roy B. Hall said, "One time there was this ratty old sweaty old smelly old t-shirt in tatters on the ground but it had the Louisville Cardinal on it and I asked Coach Rick, 'Rick can I have that smelly old ratty old sweaty old thing' and Rick said no."
Pitino claims in court papers, "You can't scour the corrupt basketball underbelly for thugs who will turn into All-Americans and at the same time give out free stuff."
Sypher responded to the allegations by claiming, "I exhorted Pitino not extorted. I don't know the difference except one has an 'h' and the other has a 't'." A Louisville player volunteered to clarify the meaning of exhortion explaining, "Like if you leave being a ho then like you're an exhortion."
Pitino refused these 3
Louisville supporters "free stuff" and they were forced to
attend games in these fashionable plaid skirts.
FLORIDA COUNTRY CLUB CULT?
Sarasota, FL -- A Sarasota country club is being investigated by police after complaints were filed that they are kidnapping members and holding them against their will.
Club members at the Laurel Oak country club have told police that the high price membership contract amounts to "golf slavery" and they say that when they try to leave they are held against their will. It is alleged that there are over 1200 golfers held against their will and are forced to play at least 36 holes a day no matter how high their handicap.
"Golf slavery" and "golf torture" are huge problems internationally claims golf expert Winky Barnes. Barnes explained, "Some country clubs force their members to play even when they are sick and in some cases dead." In parts of the third world, unsavory dictators use golf as a form of torture or interrogation.
"Forget waterboarding," said Dick Cheney, former Vice President of the Unitied States. "IF you want some information from a suspected terrorist, force him to play golf, and I guarantee, he'll be singing like a birdie."
Barnes added, "There is only one thing worse than being thrown into golf slavery and that is forcing prisoners to watch the 'Golf Channel'...it's cruel, it's downright inhuman, and we've got to put a stop to it."
Some golf clubs even
humiliate people by forcing them to wear these nifty looking
knickers.
NO HOT SHOWERS FOR PADRES AT CITI FIELD; METS SHARE
New York, NY -- A beautiful moment of sportsmanship erupted on Thursday night at the New York Mets' new Citi Field ballpark.
The Padres had just gutted a 6-5 win over the Mets behind the pitching of Jake Peavy but when they went to their locker room they discovered there were no hot showers. "Imagine the thrill of victory quickly souring when we realized we were naked and in cold water," explained Peavy. But the uncharacteristically unsportsmanlike Mets offered to share their shower room with the Padres.
"It was a beautiful gesture," said Peavy, "and it shows the character at the center of sports." However the kindness quickly escalated to a full blown MLB orgy. Mets manager Jerry Manuel described the scene saying, "It began with a few fellas washing the backs of some of the other guys and quickly the loss was forgotten and the players were in full embrace."
The homoerotic scene continued with bare skin on cold shower tile until security broke up the party. "Is homoerotic an SAT word?" asked Mets reliever Billy Wagner. "It sure sounds like one," he added. Wagner was quick to point out, "Gee naked men and baseball just makes the metaphors pour out of me like 'hey, that's some stick you've got there,' and 'I like to take him low and inside.'"
The Mets said that they are hoping to meet the Padres again later in the season when it's warmer and "We're sweating more." MLB commissioner Bud Selig commented, "This is clearly an example of how gladiators can lay down their weapons and just lay down."
Later, several Met and Padre players decided to go camping somewhere on "Long" Island.
OBAMA PRESENTS PLAN TO BAIL OUT YANKEES FAN
Washington, DC - President Obama rolled out his controversial new bailout plan designed to help millions of Yankees fans afford the simple pleasure of attending a Yankees game.
Obama told Congress yesterday in an emergency session, "We have a moral obligation to reach out to our fellow Americans, even if they are those f***ing obnoxious New York fans, so that they may afford a trip to the new Yankee Stadium." The plan includes a $21 trillion dollar package over the next five years which goes directly into the pockets of strapped New Yorkers.
The crisis reached a new level after Thursday's game against the Cleveland Indians. After shelling out an average of a $1,000 to attend the game, one family reporting spending $76,987 for their outing to the new palace "Steinbrenner built." "Okay, so we a big, fat gluttonous family that ate 18 tubs of popcorn, 86 bags of peanuts, 123 hotdogs and a ton of other unhealthy shit," said Danny Brasco, "but I was forced to spend all of the money that we had put aside for our mother's heart transplant."
Later Barbara Brasco passed to the other side from stuffing herself on expensive concessions and watching the Yankees get spanked 10-2. Obama referenced the Brascos in his speech saying, "Americans shouldn't have to choose between popcorn and heart transplants or sausages or colonscopies, this is America and this won't happen under my watch!"
Congress will look at the package over the next few days and a vote is expected before the Yankees next home stand against the Kansas City Royals. Brasco promised to return to the park despite having bad credit and no ability to borrow money because, "We have a shot at sweeping Kansas City!"
Obama reminded all Americans, "This isn't about Wall Street, it's about Main Street and keeping these f***ing Yankee fans on the New York streets and off of the rest of our streets."
Obama told Congress that
Yankee fans represent "all that is right with America."
NFL FORCES NY JETS TO PLAY ON YOM KIPPUR
New York, NY -- The New York Jets appealed to the NFL offices yesterday for a schedule change involving a game that is to be played on the Jewish holiday of Yom Kippur.
Yom Kippur in the Jewish tradition is the Day of Atonement when people spend the day asking God for forgiveness for their past year of mistakes. The Jets are scheduled to play the Titans at 4:15 on that day which will be an inconvenience to Jews who must begin atoning by sundown.
NFL commissioner Roger Goodall rejected the request asking, "What better day for the Jets to play than on the Day of Atonement?" "I believe they should be explaining to God the rationale for bringing Brett Favre out of retirement," said Goodall. "And what about Joe Namath?" he continued, "you don't thing God is angry about a drunken Jet going up and down the sidelines grabbing female sportscaster ass?"
The Jets management said they would accept the commissioner's decision and will play a host of activities on that day to ask for God's mercy. "Maybe we can sacrifice Joe Namath on an altar to appease God's wrath," said one team official. "Hey, if John Abraham was still a Jet, and he had a son named Issac, that could be a hellava coincidence," he added.
Joe Namath was too drunk to comment other than to say, "I used to be Superbowl quarterback Joe Namath, mind if I grab your ass?"
And we imagine God is still
pretty pissed off about Joe Willie's shitty attempt at an
acting career. Believe us when we tell you, you don't want
to rent this on DVD.
FORMER NFL BACK LAWRENCE PHILLIPS SAVES YET ANOTHER LIFE
Los Angeles, CA -- Lawrence Phillips, the once star Nebraska running back who journeyed through several NFL teams, was a hero once again yesterday when he choked his girlfriend.
Police on the scene said that Phillips successfully deployed his now famous "Phillips Maneuver" and they explained, "Had Lawrence not been there, we can't predict what might have happened to her." Phillips was again, humble in the praise the medical community showered on him about his now often used medical technique.
"The Lawrence 'Phillips Maneuver' is a breakthrough technique that should be mandatory training for anyone involved emergency medical safety," said safety expert Greg Barfmeader. Phillips was one of the first pioneers to use choking as a form of medical therapy for choking. According to Phillips, "I never understood that Hemlock Maneuver shit and man, you got to gets behind someone and put your arms around them and shit by the time you do all that you coulda just be chokin'em."
Phillips has successfully choked fourteen women and all have lived to tell about it. "Lawrence Phillips choked me and choked me good and all I can say is no one can choke you like Larry," said one former girlfriend. Phillips recommends that if your spouse or significant other or "just some bitch who's disrespection you," needs some medical attention in a hurry, "all you do is put your hands around the bitch's throat and choke the livin' shit out her and she ain't gonna have no problems no more."
Just be aware, that the Phillips Maneuver is still be studied as an experimental procedure and is not covered on most major insurance plans.
Do you have a neighbor with
an annoying pet? Why not try the Phillips Maneuver? That
other technique looks downright suggestive.
