NEWS:
CLEVELAND FANS TORTURE FAN IN LEBRON JERSEY
Cleveland, OH -- A fan sporting a Lebron James Miami Heat No. 6 jersey was attacked, tortured and eventually died by hanging after thousands of Cleveland Indians fans descended on him demanding blood.
The fan, Luke Grabowski, didn't know what hit him. Observers say that he was merrily walking along the concessions deck at Jacobs Field, admiring his reflection in a window and his spiffy new Lebron shirt. Suddenly, fans with clubs, tireirons, chains, and whips wrestled Grabowski to the ground.
"At first it just looked like another Cleveland S&M party but things quickly went downhill," said S&M veteran Rep. Larry Craig. "When I saw the whips and chains I said, 'Ewwweee Parteee' but soon the poor youngster was beaten to a pulp," he added.
Later fans made Grabowski carry a crucifix to Mount Calvary in suburban Cleveland. He was then nailed to a cross, crowned with a head of thorns, and speared repeatedly in his side by a bunch of would be Centurion guards. "All in all it was pretty damn exciting," said actor Mel Gibson. "I got so hot with all the violence, I decided to beat the shit out of my mother, and boy did that feel good!"
Grabowski's parents, Mary and Joseph, told reporters they would wait for about three days, "just to see if anything unusual happens and if it does, we're starting a church and making a lot of money."
We're telling you Cleveland fans are really, really pissed!
DEZ BRYANT CARRIES THE ROOKIE LOAD FOR THE COWBOYS
Dallas, TX -- Rookie wide receiver and first round draft pick Dez Bryant agreed to carry "stuff" for veteran players after initially refusing to participate in the tradition of rookies carrying veterans' shoulder pads.
Initially Bryant said, "Carrying your sweaty shoulder pads, get the f*** outta my face, mother f***er." But after some good natured cajoling by some veteran players and a .357 magnum in his face, he reconsidered his decision. Yesterday Bryant was seen busy all day long, "carrying everything and anything."
Several veterans made Bryant carry their discarded athletic supporters from the locker room to the laundry room. "Hey, come over here and get my jock!" screamed halfback Marion Barber. Bryant said, "With a name like Marion, I oughta be carrying your bra." But after Barber punched Bryant in the face he surrendered and carried the jock.
Later Bryant said, "I don't get why they call it an athletic support...it's just a little pouch and truthfully I don't get that much support cause I like to dangle if you get my action." He successfully carried 52 smelly, damp jockstraps to the washing machine, washed them, dried them and hung back in the lockers.
"He's gonna be a good one," said Cowboy owner Jerry Jones. Later in a good natured sort of way, Jones asked Bryant to, "wash my drawers and pay close attention to getting out those skid marks."
Cowboy jockstraps available with the extra support for those really big dicks in Dallas!
NFL ADDRESSES CONCUSSIONS IN LOCKER ROOM POSTERS
New York, NY -- The National Football League unveiled their new educational locker room posters warning players of the consequences of concussions.
Commissioner Roger Goodell told reporters that the league wants to be proactive in telling players that an NFL career will lead to almost certain premature dementia. "Brain damage and football go together like ham and eggs," chuckled Goodell, "and I don't want to hear any of these whiners, who've made millions for our great game, come back later and try to sue us."
Former player Bronco Bullstrom, who played for the Cleveland Browns before the days of facemasks embraced the leagues new educational bent saying, "Ur da um da ooug stwa." Bullstrom is a poster boy for NFL retirement and has spent the last 30 years as a motivational speaker. He added, "Ur da um da ooug stwa fa fa aw."
Goodell said the poster included snippets of advice for players who may be considering the aftereffects of a professional football career. The poster has some valuable advice for the new class of rookies telling them things like, "You've chosen a violent profession much like selling crack cocaine...both football and selling crack cocaine have inherent risks...before playing professional football or selling crack cocaine, maybe you want to ask yourself a question like, 'Could I be happy as a CPA?'...IF you answer yes to that then you might want to adjust your life expectations."
"We think that players will be more informed decision makers in the future," Goodell added. The poster with it's catchy graphics and easy access message reminds players that when you hang up your spikes someday, "you'll probably also hang up you bladder and bowel control due to serious damage to the cerebral cortex as a result of repetitive fourth and one goal line pushes."
Ah, if only we save one brain in this campaign, it would be well worth it.
FLOYD LANDIS GOES PUBLIC ON ARMSTRONG'S GUITAR ABILITY
Washington, DC -- Cyclist Floyd Landis will most likely testify in a congressional hearing that legend Lance Armstrong has for years overinflated his ability to play guitar.
Landis told reporters yesterday that he has spent many years with Armstrong and that "Armstrong is a liar." The disgraced Tour de France winner who lost his yellow shirt under a cloud of suspicion regarding blood doping, said that he was going public because, "Lance has gotten away with murder because he's Lance Armstrong."
Armstrong, who for awhile lived with rocker Sheryl Crow, has for several years claimed that he was a world class guitarist comparing himself to the likes of Eric Clapton and Jimmy Page. Landis said, "He can't even find a C-chord, never mind a Bm or an A7 but yet people let him take over an open mike and then go 'wow, listen to Lance play, isn't he amazing?'"
"The fact is that Lance can't play a lick and somebody has to tell the public that there is no Santa Claus and I know that I'm going to take a lot of heat for this but I don't want anyone booking Lance for a gig when in fact he has no skills," Landis emphasized.
Armstrong did not take the news sitting down. "Everyone knows Floyd Landis is a drug taking, lying, cheat, who's only marketable skill is to take me down...by the way would you like to hear my rendition of 'Love Me Tender?'" Armstrong asked.
The U.S. Postal Service announced that their "Lance Armstrong Gets Away With Murder" Tour will make 72 stops this summer and that Armstrong's missing testicle really helps him reach those high notes.
Government cutbacks have forced the U.S. Postal Cycling Team to give up uniforms.
SCULPTOR DISCOVERS, "I'M JAMES NAISMITH!"
Hoopdaville, Canada -- An 83-year-old sculptor who was commissioned to created a likeness to the founder of basketball, James Naismith, said after completing the work, "I think I am James Naismith!"
Elden Tefft, who has been working on the piece in the town where Naismith grew up became, a little suspicious after he chipped out the nose and mouth of the basketball legend. "When I put the glasses on him, I realized, shit, I am James Naismith and all of a sudden I had an urge to urinate," he said.
"Why I guess that makes me 148-years-old," said Tefft. "It's no small wonder I'm slowing down," he added, "shit I used to be able to swing a sledgehammer and go up and down stairs with ease, but that must of been when I was 112." Tefft was not clear with his memory but was pretty sure his mother left him in Kansas one day and he discovered basketball.
Later he ran away and was caught up in a tornado and landed in a place where everyone was short. "I just remember that it was beautiful but all I kept saying was, 'I want to go back to Kansas.'" Tefft met a wizard who promised to take him back to Kansas himself, but the wizard's balloon took off prematurely, leaving Tefft in Canadian town where he lived with scarecrow, a tin man, and a talking lion.
"Shit, I thought I was going out of my mind but now it all makes sense, I discovered basktetball and there's no place like home," he smiled as his aunt pressed cool compresses on his forehead.
Tefft could be Naismith or he could actually be the Wizard.
NICK SABAN PARTNERS WITH AGENT "PIMPS"
Hoover, AL -- Alabama football coach Nick Saban very directly equated sports agents who prey on college athletes to be "pimps."
"These guys step on a college campus just to do some pimping and then we get in trouble with the NCAA," complained Saban. He then announced that in the future Alabama will partner with pimping agents. "There's a ton of money to be made in pimping," added Saban, "and we could put a nice chunk of change into the football budget from profits from agent pimping."
Agent pimping has become a regular fixture in the SEC, ACC, Big Ten, Big Twelve, and Pac10 conferences. Agents frequently recruit attractive hoes that hang on the outskirts of college campuses and then arrange sexual meetings between players and hoes. "It's a really good way to get to know the players," said agent Scruffy McDiffy. "And," he added, "once a player gets comfortable with a ho, we can usually sign him and hopefully get 10% of his NFL contract."
Saban, who initially balked at this practice saying that "agents swooped down on naive college kids, who suffer so much because of their NCAA scholarship induced poverty," changed his tune and said it's all about turning a negative into a positive.
"With official school sanctioned pimps, we can capture some revenue for the Tide program while insuring our players get the best hoes in exchange for their early signing," he explained. Saban lamented the fact that "it's a sad day in college sports when I have to resort to this type of behavior so I can make a living wage."
From now on, the Tide is hoping pimping is going to contribute to a better regulated, rules complying Division I program.
SPECTATOR SERIOUSLY INJURED AT HORSESHOE TOURNAMENT
Defiance, OH -- A middle-aged male spectator had to be evacuated to a nearby hospital after he was seriously injured while watching the National Horseshoe Pitching Championship.
Lee Peecker, who on the previously day ingested several pill for erectile dysfunction, attended the event despite having an erection lasting more than four hours. "Actually, it was 24 hour erection," he said later from his hospital bed. Peecker explained that he didn't think anyone would notice, "because in all honesty I'm a bit on the small side." However, several horseshoe pitchers mistook Peecker's erection for a horseshoe stake and that's when things went haywire.
Several contestants furiously competed throwing over thirty pitches at Peecker's pecker. "At first, I was caught up in the spirit of the competition and just said, 'wow that's some ringer,'" added Peecker. But after several pitches his penis became sore and inflamed.
One contestant, Arnold Piffel said, "I was just getting in the groove and threw a ringer and leaner for 5 points and then I realized I had aimed at the wrong target...I'm sorry for the guy cause that must have really smarted."
Doctors worked furiously through the night to salvage the penis and the prognosis is good for a full recovery. Though doctors did warn Peecker to take television advertising more seriously. "When they say if you have an erection lasting more than four hours and that you should see your doctor immediately, they mean business!" concluded Dr. Josef Mengale.
A focused competitor takes aim at Peecker. "It was the most attention my penis ever got since circumcision," said Peecker.
JIMMY THE GREEK VINDICATED
Las Vegas, NV -- Former gambling legend and dead NFL football analyst Jimmy "The Greek" Snyder was finally vindicated of charges of racism when a new study was released declaring that blacks are faster than whites.
Snyder was demonized in the media long ago for stating that "the black athlete is just faster than the white because he's been bred that way." Later, Snyder lost his big job with CBS, got cancer and died and his whole life was invalidated by his off the cuff remark back in 1979.
However, a Duke University engineer released a recent journal article on the mechanics of athletes claiming that West African black runners are faster than white runners but white swimmers are faster than black swimmers. "There is a whole body of evidence that suggests that whites and blacks have different body types and are suited for different activities," said Dr. Edward Moses. "You probably saying right at this very moment, 'duh! who doesn't know that?' but hey I'm getting paid big bucks to publish a journal article," he continued.
Jimmy the Greek is dead but said through a psychic medium, "You lousy no good mother f***ers, first you ruin my ass and now, what, blacks are faster than whites, you mother f***ers!"
The research has stirred a great deal of controversy and has become the fodder of daytime talk shows. Yesterday in order to disprove Moses findings, Oprah Winfrey challenged Ellen DeGeneres to a 100 yd. race. "Ain't no way I'm built for speed," said Oprah. DeGeneres for her part, asked Oprah to come over to her swimming pool to see how well she'd float.
Jimmy the Greek once also went out on a limb saying lesbians are much tougher to bring down than gay guys.
TIM McCARVER DISCOVERS YANKEE HOLOCAUST
New York, NY -- Historian, human rights advocate, and baseball analyst Tim McCarver announced yesterday that the New York Yankees could be compared to the Nazis and Stalin's evil Soviet empire.
McCarver said that deceased Yankees owner George Steinbrenner will be judged by history as one of the most ruthless men of all times and that he reigned over "one of the most horrific regimes that ever graced this earth." The former MLB catcher said that millions of minor league players just disappeared in the late 70's. "He took the ball players to work camps and put the children in Yankee re-education camps," McCarver explained. "Few people realize that the Mets were becoming the preferred New York team and Steinbrenner reacted by putting fear in the hearts of New Yorkers," he went on to say.
For years historians have grappled with the notion of a Yankee run genocide but few have been able to produce credible evidence. "Of course, no really believed Thurman Munson was killed in a plane crash," said historian Shelby Steelth. "But George had a way of making people disappear forever and writing them completely out of the history books," Steelth writes. "Billy Martin, Joe Torre? You think these guys never existed?" he asks.
Iran president Mahmoud Ahmadjinedad denied that a Yankee holocaust ever took place. "I'm a die-hard Mets guy, I'm sorry," he said as he angrily hit the podium at an address to Iran's clerics yesterday. "I have nuclear weapons and I'll use them if I don't get my own corporate box at Citi Field...and while we're at it, can we dispose of this Jerry Manual guy, he don't look a speck like his brother Charlie!" he concluded.
There ain't no denying that it's time for Mahmoud to come clean with us about his sexulity.
OOSTHUIZEN USED RED DOT FOR OPEN CHAMPIONSHIP FOCUS
St. Andrews, Scotland -- British Open champion Louis Oosthuizen credited his 7-shot victory to a red dot on his golf glove that he used to keep him focused.
Many golfers use a sports psychology technique to get an upper hand under the high pressures of a major championship. "I needed a trigger, something to bring back to the moment, that whenever I look at it, I get my composure back," he explained. "Like when I'm walking down the fairway and shit, we all know how boring golf gets, and I'm thinking of chicks, quaffing down some liquor and maybe smoking some weed, and then I've got to hit a 3-iron 227yds. to a pin located six inches from a trap with a body of water behind it...you can pee your pants in that situation, but not with a red dot on your glove," he lectured.
The use of the red dot tool, however, did have a down side. "Several times throughout the match I'd spot a red dot in the middle of someone's forehead and I'd end up hitting them in the face with a wedge," he confessed later. Soovarai Raiasoov said that she was nonchalantly walking along a path near the golf course yesterday when Oosthuizen locked in on her forehead. "He took out his club and swung and I ended up three foot from the pin on 15...and then he just tapped me in for his par," she said. "It was quite thrilling, I must say," she smiled later.
The use of similar techniques was evident throughout the entire tournament. Long ball hitter John Daly admitted that he uses a pair of bare female breasts and a bottle of Jack Daniels to re-establish his attention when his mind wonders. "Believe me, if you're concentration fades and you've got a bottle of Jack and pair of jugs, who cares about the Claret?" he asked.
Or you can use a golf glove on a pair of breasts to help you focus...either way, the sports psychology is on to something.
CLEVELAND FIRM LAUNCHES NEW LINE OF TP
Cleveland, OH -- A Cleveland personal products company launched a new toilet tissue product in honor of the departing Lebron James.
Rolls of "KMCA (Kiss My Cleveland Ass)" rolled off assembly lines yesterday and sold briskly in supermarkets and retail stores throughout the area. The tissue is made of a very rough gritty paper and contains sand and crushed pebbles so that Cleveland fans never forget the pain that James inflicted when departing for Miami.
"Forever when we wipe our asses individually or collectively we will remember King James daily in our elimination activities," said company president Phil Collon. "The product is metaphor and each day as we sit and get rid of waste, we will remember that Lebron has gone to the great sewage treatment facility in Florida," he added.
Cavaliers owner and president Dan Gilbert applauded the new toilet paper and in honor of James he downed seven bean burritos with ten whole jalapenos washed down with ten ounces of Phillips Milk of Magnesia. "I plan to crap for the next several years and wipe my ass until it bleeds Cavalier Red all the time imagining Lebron floating in circular flush," he wrote to fans. "Please join me in doing the same as we, together, exercise this ritual to purify our city," he added.
James seemed to have the last laugh on Cleveland.
LIONS EXPERIMENT WITH HOT FLASHES
Detroit, MI -- The hapless Detroit Lions announced yesterday that they will go where no NFL team has gone before and sign several menopausal women to their defensive line.
Coach Jim Schwartz announced that a pair of female defensive tackles with don the silver and blue this fall and he said yesterday, "They can't be any worse than what we've got." The Lions have struggled in the past several years finishing last in the league in run defense and pass defense. "We just can't get to the opposing quarterback but with a couple of women with hot flashes, I think we're going to see improvement," he optimistically said.
The two women, Sueanne Doebler and Thalma Chalmers met with reporters yesterday with Chalmers exclaiming, "Will someone open a f***ing window in here before I put a hurtin' on somebody?" Tad Doebler, Sueanne's husband said he full confidence that his wife can step in and contribute right away to the team. "She's hot, she's cold, she's hot, she's cold...just hop in bed with her and try and get close to her and you'll see a forearm shot that would make Ray Lewis shiver," he explained.
The National Organization of Women said that this might just be the beginning of the "hot flash" strategy. "You want to find Osama Bin Laden? Take a couple of middle aged gals and put'em in some Afghan caves on a 100 plus day, and Osama will crawl out begging for mercy," said Lydia Limbocker.
Schwartz added, "With Sueanne and Thalma we've got on side of the game, now if we can just get Barry Sanders to come out of retirement, we might win two games this season."
This could make Lions fans forget Matt Millen.
PRACTICE EXPERT TO BE INDUCTED INTO HALL OF FAME
Dulula, AK -- The man responsible for the most famous sports quote of all time, "Practice Makes Perfect," will finally get the recognition he deserves from the Intergalactic Sports Hall of Fame.
Perry Berry, a former coach and motivational expert, coined the expression in 1928 and since that time it has been uttered more than any other saying in the English language. Berry, 96-years-old, explained that he got the idea accidentally when his wife refused his constant bedroom advances. "I told her, practice makes perfect, and then it just sort of stuck...I never got laid but since then kids have been practicing like hell to be perfect," he added.
Several competing claims for the phrase have added some controversy to the Berry's award. Bob Knight, former collegiate basketball coach screamed, "F*** him, I was the one responsible for that...there was a player who was dogging it and I hit over the head with a folding chair and said, 'practice makes f***in perfect!'" Some sports historians credit Woody Hayes, the former Ohio State legend, while others say that onetime Notre Dame coach Gerry Faust once pleaded with his team saying, "Come fellas, can't you practice for me before they fire me...practice might make us perfect."
Sports historian Nate Flatuladen said, "Look, when you think about it, it's a dumb f***ing expression...who the hell is perfect? Perfection is when you're wife's away and Pamela Anderson rings your doorbell and you answer and she's naked with a twelve-pack of Malt Liquor, and there ain't no practice involved."
Berry said he didn't mind the controversy and said that he may re-think the whole thing and change the expression, "Practice kind of sucks but what else are we going to do between games?"
Practicing boxing could be perfect.
STUDY LOOKS AT LOCKER ROOM BEHAVIOR
Rollie, NC -- A quarterback walks into a locker room with a dislocated shoulder wouldn't care whether a male or female trainer attended to his injury or would he?
A new study at North Carolina State University's school of Parks, Recreation, and Tourism revealed that gender does make a difference when it comes to trainers. Dr. Heldy Grappenhofer, who headed the study that looked at gender preferences in athletic trainers, asked, "Can you believe we actually got funding to do this study?" She added, "When you're studying parks and tourism and you have a chance to go into a locker room with nude football players, you jump at the chance."
The study consisted of asking 80 male football players and 80 female hockey players if the gender of the trainer made a difference. Surprisingly, there were many surprises while several men and women said that they preferred being surprised when going into the locker room. The entire sample of men answered that when it comes to groin taping or massaging a pulled groin, they prefer a female trainer, "just so no one thinks there's any funny man on man stuff going on." Females said they'd preferred a male trainer, who is sensitive and lights herbal candles in the training room. "If a man can come in and tape my ankle and likes to wear women's clothes, I'm much more comfortable in that type of situation," said hockey player Mabel Dungstan.
Grappenhofer said that male football players want a trainer, "who picks up after them and doesn't bitch when they leave up the toilet seat while females hockey players want a trainer who picks up after them and doesn't bitch when they leave up the toilet seat."
"I think what the research is suggesting is that we do more research in the locker room with lots of people walking around without clothing," she continued. "Gee, I love this f***ing job!" shouted Grappenhofer.
Male on male groin taping can go south pretty damn fast...more research is needed.
EXTREME RODEO COMING TO YOUR TOWN
Paco, TX -- A new form of sport called "Extreme Rodeo" is taking off like hot cakes and has found a niche in the post-modern glut of sports.
The sport, founded by promoter Vince McMahon, combines bits of traditional rodeo with professional wrestling. "We think it's the kind of wholesome entertainment that you've come to expect from WWE except for the fact that several key participants usually crap in the ring," said McMahon.
The inaugural match pitted a bull named Fritz against a young man from Oklahoma named Booby. The bull stomped Booby for several minutes and even tried humping his opponent until Booby reached for the bull's testicles and squeezed, making the bull temporarily pass out, which infuriated several other of the bulls partners who then entered the ring and hit Booby over the head with a table and chair set which then brought Booby's corner to life and Booby's manager, Dix, took out a rifle and shot a bull between the eyes, then he was skinned, bled, carved, marinated, and his ribs were cooked long and slow. Later fans were treated to the best damn Texas barbecue since GW was in the White House.
"That's a hellava night of sports entertainment," said longtime rodeo fan Cher. "I'll tell you one thing, if I got me a choice between Extreme Rodeo and Astros/Pirates MLB matchup? It RAW Rodeo for me," winked the former wife of Sonny Bono.
Dog humping? okay...bull humping? flat out scary!
40,000 HOOKERS COMING TO DC
Johannesburg, South Africa -- Over 40,000 very disappointed prostitutes announced they were leaving the World Cup festivities broke but heading to greener pastures.
The influx of millions of fans to South Africa also had a net effect on the number of sex workers arriving to support what was thought to be a tremendous demand. However, soccer fans seemed more interested in, wait a minute, watching soccer? than paying for sex.
"What? What the f***? was my first thought said Ginger, a sex worker from Wales. "I really hoped I would have turned enough tricks to buy at least a Hyundai Accent but noooooo, I'm poorer than OJ after a civil suit," she added.
No one visiting South Africa seemed to be interested in sex. Of course, that excludes former U.S. President Bill Clinton who attended at least one match but had sex with over 2500 women over the course of a one week visit. Clinton arrived back home to say, "That is some country they've got down there, whoa, I'm gonna sleep like Rip Van Winkle for about...nah, I'm just kidding, I'm hopping a flight back to Johannesburg...tell Hilary that a leopard can't change his stripes."
Mable Ferguson, president of hookers Local 69, told a gathering of disappointed sex workers to keep you chin up, "not because you make money with your chin up but because we're all going to Washington." "There's one thing for sure," she promised, "U.S. Senators and Congressmen will surely make up for the World Cup shortfall, so let's go polish some Capitol domes!"
How bad can a local economy get or is soccer really that much fun to watch?
JOHNNY WEIR TO SIGN WITH MIAMI HEAT?
Miami, FL -- Figure skating champion and flamboyant man about town, Johnny Weir announced yesterday that he will retire from competitive skating and try and earn a spot on the Miami Heat roster.
The Heat's Pat Riley, who recently signed free agents Dwayne Wade, Chris Bosh, and Lebron James, said that Weir's name being thrown out in free agency, "definitely throws a monkey wrench into a lot of teams' off-season plans." "Now after all the f***ing money I just spent you're telling me Johnny Weir is available?" Riley asked. "Hey but it's a hellava opportunity and if we have the chance to bring in a Johnny Weir, I think the puzzle is now complete."
Weir said he was tired of both figure skating and the fashion world, in which he has introduced a completely new line of feather boas. "I want to reinvent myself as an athlete and what better place to do it than in Miami and what better people to do it with than Wade, Bosh, and James," he said at press conference. "Just the name Miami Heat is soooo sexy that I'm getting goosey bumps on my little Johnny," he smiled.
Riley said he wasn't sure how they would use Weir and if four marquee superstars could subjugate their egos to win and NBA crown but he added, "We're talking about a chance to sign Johnny Weir!"
Weir said he'd work for free just for the chance to shower with the new NBA champions. "Jees Bajees we couuld generate some Heat," he promised.
Weir on Lebron, "Five billion dollar foot long!"
CHRIS EVERT IS ON THE MARKET AGAIN
Brispane, Australia -- Former tennis star Chris Evert announced yesterday, "I'm available!" after learning that husband, golfer Greg Norman came home and said, "Get your shit out of my house."
Evert asked surprisingly later, "Does that means he wants me out?" Norman told reporters later that "maybe when she was in her '20's, you know when she was kind of hot, I'd keep her around, but shit, I'm Greg Norman and I have this really cool Aussie accent that chicks dig which blends nicely with my surfer boy long blonde hair."
Norman and Evert met when each were married to their former spouses and were neighbors. Evert used to wink at Norman while they played pinochle and their spouses were out of the room. One evening Norman described as Evert propositioning him by saying, "You don't have to worry about a thing, I don't choke like you do." Norman said the whole image of Evert not choking sealed the deal.
Later, the two left their respective homes for each other and since that time they've been miserable. "He's a major douche," she barked yesterday, "but still I'm gonna miss that kick ass yacht of his." Norman defensively snapped, "The only Head I've ever got was a tennis racket."
Evert said she is ready and willing to entertain suitors. "Let be real here, I'm still pretty hot to most guys, so only seriously good looking guys with money should try and contact me," she instructed.
Greg, come on, are you sure you want to go through with this?...you are one of these viagra popping 50 something has been who's blown more Majors than Linda Lovelace on an army base.
BURMESE PYTHON USED TO PREDICT WORLD CUP WINNER
Cape Town, South Africa -- A 19 ft. Burmese Python snake, who has been predicting the winners of the World Cup matches for the last several weeks, sadly died yesterday at the hands of some North Korean chefs.
Roofy the python was housed with a fortune teller who had promised that the snake could pick the winner of any game in the World Cup series. But Roofy's luck went bad about 24 hours into the competition when he predicted North and South Korea would face off in the championship. When both teams failed to make the quarterfinals, the entire populations of both countries (who had bet large sums of money on the outcome), became furious and called for Roofy's tail.
North Korean premier Kim Ill Jong said, "You can usually count on a snake when calling the outcome of a sporting event and let me tell you, did I lose a shitload with a few dago bookies...shit, I'm gonna be digging out of this hole until Week 13 of the NFL season." The angry Ill Jong later called for the death of Roofy.
With precision and speed, several North and South Korean chefs descended on Roofy, chopped him up, marinated, and sauteed a feast fit for a dictator. "Wow, that tastes like chicken," said Il Jong. "Hey, all is forgiven over a good meal, wouldn't you say?" he winked. Moments later after dessert, he aimed three nuclear warheads towards California, "Just to let you know that I'm not the nice guy I look like!"
Later after eating the python with a glass of chardonnay, Il Jong became gassy and farted so bad that his Pekingnese went back to Peking.
This python predicted that Lebron would sign with the Clippers and he was immediately cooked by some rabid Knick fans.
DAVID STERN: "MEL GIBSON WILL COACH PISTONS"
Detroit, MI -- NBA commissioner David Stern vowed today that actor, wannabe NBA coach Mel Gibson will coach in the NBA.
Rumors have been swirling throughout the league over the past several days that Gibson was not a candidate for the Detroit Pistons coaching job. But Stern squelched rumors this afternoon saying, "Mel Gibson will coach in the NBA because he's a douche bag and the whole world hates him."
Gibson, who recently made the news by ranting a series of very nasty things to his live-in girlfriend which were caught on tape. In the tape Gibson says some very unpleasant things about blacks and Jews and his comments will most likely help him obtain a job with the league.
Stern said that the NBA is a league with some blacks and some Jews and that it is likely that Gibson could successfully motivate today's NBA player. However, Gibson claims he would be afraid to coach in Detroit. "Look at what I did with the Christ story, you guys don't want me as a coach...I can only imagine that the folks in Detroit might not take well to me." Some people claim that Gibson could be a breath of fresh air to the league.
One anonymous insider said that, "Look if Byron Scott can keep resurfacing year after year, why not take a chance on Mel?" Gibson said that "I'm no racist and I can handle any n****** that comes my way providing I'm armed with an automatic weapon so coaching in Detroit is not out totally out of the question...though I'd probably want some type of government protection program."
Stern, not a close friend of Gibson said that, "He should be anally raped by Dennis Rodman in a wedding gown and then forced to blow a synagogue full of Hasidic rabbis and then forced to watch Lethal Weapon IV."
"Dennis Rodman? Shit, I didn't mean anything about the n******comments."
WOMAN SUES PHILLIES MASCOT OVER PATERNITY
Philadelphia, PA -- A local Philadelphia woman is suing the Phillies team mascot, the Phanatic, claiming that his stadium hijinks caused her to get pregnant.
The Phanatic, a bizarre looking green furry something, has long been known to fans for his wildly crazy dances and Harpo Marx like improvs that stir up the crowd during an otherwise dull game of baseball. However, 64-year-old Gracie Stoogums, claims that the Phanatic got a bit too frisky towards the end of last season and managed to have some type of furry sexual contact that resulted in the birth of a half human/half green furry animal.
Stoogums says in her lawsuit the that Phanatic is the father of her child and she remembers him ejecting a long, straight, what she thought to be a party device, closely near her. "I'm sure that this thing that sticks out of him is the culprit," she emphatically stated yesterday. And now she wants compensation to help raise the child.
The Phillies organization denies that the long party device that gets blown erect from the Phanatic's snout is just that, a long erect party device. The Phanatic, who does not speak but only mimes, reenacted the episode with Stoogums and clearly demonstrated there was no penetration of the party device. The Phillies claim they have no responsibility for the Phanatic other than to "dry clean that smelly suit of his once or twice a season."
Stoogums said she will not stop until she gets justice and the team said they will stand firm behind the Phanatic but attorneys for the team said they would not rule out maybe a settlement of two hot dogs, two soft drinks and two tickets for less than $99.
This is not the first time someone has come forward accusing the Phanatic of unlawful bodily intrusion.
TIGER REACHES OUT TO OJ
Philadelphia, PA -- A confidential text message between Tiger Woods and O.J. Simpson was released to the press yesterday after it was discovered that the embattled, soon to be $750 million poorer golfer, reached out to the former football star for advice.
Sources close to the situation said that a series of messages went back and forth between the two athletes discussing how Woods might cope with his divorce to former wife Elin.
Elin Woods stand to make $750 million dollars in a breakup settlement which had Tiger exclaiming to his lawyers, "Are you f***ing kidding me?" Tiger claims that though Elin was indeed beautiful when he first met her, he asked, "If she was worth $750 million then why do you think I was bedding hookers and porn stars?"
Evidently Woods texted Simpson asking the simple question, "O.J. if you were me what would you do?" Simpson serving some jail time himself, replied, "Be patient, one of these days I'll be out again and then we can handle it the right way." Woods replied, "OJ, come on we know that will be years...right now I want some quick OJ wisdom!" Simpson texted back, "Well, it just a thing with blondes, just make sure you get some gloves that fit and you don't leave'em laying around."
Woods returned to his round at the AT&T classic and later said, "Count on OJ to steer me right...$750 million? Ohhhh that bitch has had it!"
OJ said yesterday, "Alright that's funny but can't you leave me the f*** alone?"
DOLPHINS CHEERLEADER FIRED
Miami, OFOHIO -- A Miami Dolphins cheerleader has filed suit against the franchise, and in particular, VP Bill Parcells, for what is being called an "illegal firing."
Tansey Weir claims that the team fired her from the cheerleading squad because in her words, "My breasts were not big enough." Weir, who in some people's estimation, is a bit flat-chested and seemingly looked out of place with the many large breasted cheerleaders surrounding her.
"It was just obvious that she was miscast," said Parcells when he let her go last month. "Look, I've got a nice pair of breasts than she does," spoke Parcells while lifting his shirt. "Put me in a halter top and thong and there's going to be some serious sexual tension," he added, "though be prepared for a few people to throw up."
Weir, who has been unable to find new work, said she is confident that she can make a middle school cheerleading squad come September. "I'm a really good cheerleader despite a low IQ and I'm really good at saying, 'Go Dolphins!' so I hope someone picks me up soon."
Peg Leggley, president of CWSB (Cheerleaders With Small Breasts) said that her organization will not take this decision sitting down. "Cheerleaders never sit down or else they wouldn't be cheerleaders," she said demonstrating her below 80 IQ.
Can a woman with small breasts succeed in the extremely large breast world of NFL cheerleading? Apparently not!
PORTUGUESE SOCCER TEAM TO BATTLE ON DESPITE HUGE LOSS
Lisbon, Portugal -- Eager fans waiting to get a glimpse of the Portugal's national team departing for their next World Cup game, were disappointed when told that they were not allowed to bare their breasts in a show of support.
Police on the scene told the mostly female assembled crowd that if indeed they did flash their boobs that they would be arrested and detained. "Make my day," said the excited but normally super cool police inspector Harri Callahande. Callahande asked to be transferred from his normal homicide investigative team to the boob squad. "It's important work and I'm here to protect and serve," he said in his native Portuguese. "I'm all about detention," he winked.
The team departed from the airport but not without a little anxiety. Ronaldo, the team's captain expressed genuine concern saying, "No boobs, very, very, very bad luck." "We consider boobs our 12th and 13th men on the field," he said, "and now we're just 11 men trying to take on the world."
The normally flashing fan Chantelle restrained from showing her "assets" to the team but expressed relief, "Thank God for technology, I'll just forward them a cell phone picture."
"It's not the same," said Ronaldo later on after receiving the text message with the breast picture. "We're doomed and the energy has gone out of the Portuguese machine."
One rival coach predicted that Portugal has lost the one advantage they may have had going into the competition. "Bare breasts sendoffs are huge, that is if the crowd is female," he explained. "Truthfully if there are a bunch of guys at the airport flashing their tits, the effect is severely diminished."
Yes, the new law severely severely severely diminishes the effect.
KENTUCKY ENTERS TEAM INTO NBA
Lexington, KY -- The University of Kentucky announced yesterday that they would forgo the NBA draft and the 2010-11 NCAA season and compete for an NBA crown.
"We're bored with college basketball," said coach John Calipari, "so we're just going to form our own franchise and play 83 games." Observers say that Kentucky will most likely make next year's NBA finals and will be way under the salary cap. Calipari assured folks that "playing a full NBA schedule gets rid of all that silly school shit."
University administrators expressed relief at the decision. "Finally it's out there officially that we are an NBA franchise," said school President Blinky Wartindale. "And," he added, "wait till you see the freshman class coming in."
Insiders to the program questioned if 20 pro players on a college team will cause issues. But Calipari insisted there are no issues. "Our players make great money, get all the women they can handle, and free cable, so I think we can handle the rigors of the NBA," he continued.
NBA commissioner David Stern said something but he was too short to reach the microphone, so we didn't hear it. Sorry.
A Kentucky coach takes the SAT's for next year's freshman class.
COMPRESSION PANTS WARNING ISSUED BY US GOV'T
Washington, DC -- A stern warning came down from Washington, DC yesterday regarding "compression" gear and the health risks associated with usage.
A committee formed on the U.S. Surgeon General's office released their findings after a seven year study and countless interviews and reams of data on the subject. The report emphasizes that compression pants worn for athletic competition does not enhance an athletic skill or provide the wearer with any benefit at all.
The report states very explicitly that, "Compression gear doesn't do shit, period, except maybe show off a little man bulge or have eyes zoom in on a big fat female ass!" Dr. Len Wieder, who headed up the study, said, "Damn I'm glad this f***ing thing is over with...if I had to look at another runner with his big package sticking out or worse, some babe with black tights showing me the dozen donuts she had for breakfast that settled in her ass, then I might have killed myself."
Wieder doesn't not discount compression gears effectiveness is social situations. "Look if you've got the goods and you want to show them off, let's say in a night club to stir the love juices in a potential mate, then by all means, indulge!...but if you're running the 800 meters, forget it!"
Several manufacturers of compression gear released their own studies refuting the government findings. "Big, Sexy Butt, INC" said, "There is a certain segment of our population that may find an oversized ass attractive particularly when you try and peel a pair of compression shorts off of it."
He may come in dead last in the 400, but he's scoring points with someone.
JOCKWEB EQUESTRIAN EVENT GOES OFF WITHOUT A ST...HITCH
Wowholler, Mexico -- The first of what we hope to be annual Jockweb Equestrian Championships went off smoothly this past weekend.
The Championships feature several events, actually just one, and that is "Nude Women Riding Horses." The event was well attended and the riding was magnificent. Jockweb CEO and Emmy, Grammy, and Tony Award winner Shecky Sheckstein, the event's founder declared the day a "rising success."
"What could be more interesting or dramatic than watching naked women on horse back?" he asked. "Why it should be an Olympic event!" he added. Sheckstein seemed to be gathering momentum that will make the competition both international and daily. "My dream is to have nude equestrian 24/7 and my own cable channel," he promised.
Rider and event winner Roxy LaFloor said that initially she wasn't sure she had what it took to ride a horse for 17 miles while hundreds of thousands of male fans cheered her on but she said, "After about three feet the reaction from the fans was tremendous and my confidence soared."
Veteran sports commentator Keith Jackson could only say, "Whoa baby!" and subsequently voted to work the championships, "from this day forward for free!"
"I think we may have hit on something here," said Sheckstein, "but only time will tell if this can stand up as real sport."
Looks like real sport enough to us!
STEINBRENNER GAGA OVER GAGA
New York, NY -- A very excited Hal Steinbrenner is said to be putting on the full court press for the affections of pop singer Lady Gaga after she got by security and put on a show in the team's locker room on Friday night.
Gaga appeared in the Yankee locker room wearing only a Yankees jersey, fish net stockings, a bikini bottom, and a black brassiere. She was swilling Jamison's whiskey and mumbling incoherent Lady Gagas. The son and current CEO was immediately smitten with the blonde bombshell and asked the entire team to "go shower someplace else so LG and I can be alone."
The entire team, including manager Joe Girardi had to shower in the visitor's locker room. Steinbrenner admitted later that he was apologetic for kicking the team out but defended himself saying, "How many times does a drunk woman in fishnet stocking and a bra and panties come to my place of employment?...try never...and I wasn't letting her get away."
Later Steinbrenner announced that Gaga would have a permanent position with the organization where her duties will include but not limited to, "keeping Hal serviced!" Gaga, a lifelong Yankee fan, said later that she really wanted to take on the whole team and most importantly, "the big A-Rod" but she could easily find herself comfortable with a Hal Steinbrenner and his family's billion or so net worth.
Please Hal, tell us you not like that!
KNIGHT COMMISSION: "WE'RE SERIOUS THIS TIME!"
Indiana, Indiana -- The infamous intercollegiate athletic secret investigative body, The Knight Commission, announced yesterday that they were very serious about cleaning up the financial corruption among the NCAA member schools.
The commission said yesterday that they would require athletic departments to donate 1/2 of 1% of revenue from sports to academic programs. That would represent a 1000% increase over what is currently donated under the current revenue sharing formulation.
"We're serious this time," said commission head and chancellor Darwood Karwood, "no really, we're not fooling, I mean it, do you hear me? I'm not joking this time, I mean business...don't make me come over there and...well you'll be sorry if..."
Sources close to the Knight Commission said that this time there is a possibility that the Commission is really serious. "I don't think they're kidding this time," said one longtime observer. "I think this time they're really serious...maybe in the past they were serious but this time I think they're really serious!"
Kentucky coach John Calipari commented, "Come on, I don't think they're that serious." Louisville coach Rick Pitino said, "I don't care if they're serious, I'm looking for a cheap whore, know any?" Former Indiana and Texas Tech coach Bob Knight said, "You're all just a bunch of f***ing pansies!"
Karwood warned, "You're all going to be sorry cause I'm not kidding, we're really serious this time!"
Karwood looks like he's serious this time.
EMMANUEL LEWIS, TIGER'S LOVE CHILD?
Los Angeles, CA -- As if the Tiger Woods sage couldn't get any crazier, yesterday revealed that 1980's child star Emmanuel Lewis of the famed hit, "Punky Brewster", just may be the offspring of the number one golfer in the world.
Yesterday in a Los Angeles strip club, stripper and sometime porn actress Mimi O'Graph told reporters that Tiger came on to her in the early 80's when they met at a kindergarten recital. "We were very young at the time, 5 or 6, but I used to dress rather provocatively and it used to get Tiger hot," she explained as she filed papers for child support payments.
O'Graph went on to say that at that time there were no cell phone text messages so Tiger used to pass notes in class to her. "Actually he couldn't write yet but he would send me dirty pictures suggesting we commit some really dirty acts," she said with a straight face. "One day in school, in the coat closet, I gave in to his advances and years later Emmanuel T. Lewis was born...the T was for Tiger," she said.
The Woods camp vehemently denied the rumor though Woods himself admitted, "Damn that Emmanuel Lewis is a dead ringer for me." Woods' attorney released a statement saying, "Though there are over 8,562 women making paternity claims against Tiger, this one really pisses us off...Emmanuel Lewis is a has-been...really, what did he do beyond Punky Brewster? and this is just a cheap ploy to resurrect a fledging acting career..."
Lewis, a scratch golfer himself, said the genetic connection is undisputable. "I'm an amazing golfer and so is Dad, I mean Tiger...I try and make every cocktail waitress and porn star I meet and so does my Dad...what more proof do you need?"
No word yet about whether the maybe father-son pair will meet up this weekend at the U.S. Open at Pebble Beach but it could be a very tender television moment.
Lewis poses with Mom as he works some cocktail waitresses at a gentlemen's club.
BATTLE RAGES OF VUVUZELA USAGE
Clidotorus, South Africa -- FIFA officials met this morning to try and decide what to do with the ubiquitous vuvuzela that is a constant at all World Cup matches.
The vuvuzela or lepatata (in Tswana) is a short horn that makes a buzzing noise that is all you can hear during telecast of any World Cup game and man, it's so friggin' annoying that you ask yourself, what's that friggin' buzzing sound and then you think it's your friggin' TV set you just paid $2700 for and you lost the goddamn receipt and you're thinking, $2700 and this TV is buzzing like a mother and you pick up a hammer and bust the thing into a million pieces and your wife is saying 'What the frig is wrong with you, you maniac, we just bought that television and there's $2700 on a credit card statement that ain't arriving for a month, you simple asshole!' and then it dawns on you, that sound is coming from the vuvuzela.
The FIFA board is up to their ears in complaints about the vuvuzela and the whole vuvuzela things is about to explode. Hugo Chavez, fascist dictator of Venezuela, demanded yesterday that all vuvuzelas be confiscated or he would declare war on South Africa. "They stole our name for a f***ing horn and either I get a cut of the sales or I invade South Africa," said Chavez as he thrust his fist in Spanish, looking very much like a hotter, younger Fidel Castro.
Dr. Fred Gynor, the medical researcher who discovered and name the vulva and vuvula also expressed a cease and desist order through his attorney. "I was just about to find another unnamed female body part and name it vuvuzela and these bastards stole the idea...but let me tell you, you can have a ton of fun with a vuvuzela if you can find the damn thing," he said.
FIFA officials finished their meeting this morning issuing a proclamation to all to "Start Looking For The Vuvuzela!"
IF you do happen to locate a vuvuzela, just blow on it and you'll be having a really good time.
FIFA REVERSES HORIZONTAL RULE
Johannesburg, South Africa -- Amid all of the excitement of the World Cup Soccer event, FIFA has spoken loud and clear on its' position regarding sexual relations during the tournament.
Several countries have banned their players from any type of sexual behavior with others or with one's self because it is widely believed that the expenditure of sexual energy deflates on the field performance. However, several FIFA officials said that the "No Sex" Rule is putting a damper on the whole month's festivities.
"Hey, we down here for a month, we've got beer, plenty of women and now you're telling me, no sex?" asked FIFA President Lorenzo Flynt. "Well I've got news for you, we're bagging that nonsense and declaring to every man and woman that we're talking orgy here!" he spoke forcefully.
Several teams including the North Koreans were clearly relieved and just one day after the rule was reversed, play was sluggish and relaxed. All of today's games were pushed back several hours while players tried to get out of bed. "So we start at 2 instead of noon," said Flynt, "but remember we're only watching soccer."
Ivory Coast relaxes moments before game time that was pushed back until everyone woke up.
GOVERNMENT STUDY REVEALS WALKING IS REALLY GOOD
Rockester, NY -- A study commissioned by the U.S. Surgeon General's office reveal that "walking makes people feel more alive."
The study conducted by scientists at the University of Rockester that appears in the Journal of Good Living Shit found that walking makes people feel like they are breathing and that can be very beneficial to someone who want to know if they're breathing or not.
Dr. Larry Scholls explains, "If you start walking and then suddenly realize that you're not breathing then most likely you're either dying or already dead." He continued explaining that, "When you walk you have to breath and when you breath you feel alive and that is really important to know."
Critics of the study say that walking and breathing are connected but wanted the study to go deeper into the walking/breathing connection. Dr. Bob Florsheim, a frequent contributor to walking, said, "I think it's pretty firmly established in the scientific community that breathing precludes walking but I'd like to see what happens to breathing for instance if the subject is walking towards a strip joint as opposed to walking towards a prostate exam, which in reality probably makes me breath harder and feel very alive."
Scholls said that this breakthrough study is only the beginning of lots more studies and he believes, "That we're just scratching the surface of billions and billions of more studies that lead essentially no where but I gotta tell you, I'm breathing like crazy and feeling very alive as I approach a strip joint!"
You can also walk and get a prostate exam at the same time and wait to you see how hard you breath, and man will you ever feel alive!
JOCKWEB REACHES OUT TO DENNIS RODMAN
Jockweb, HQ -- Jockweb CEO, philandertropist, five star general, and all-around really nice guy Shecky Sheckstein announced yesterday that he was reaching out to former NBA player now falling on hard times Dennis Rodman.
Rodman was informed by an Orange County (Ca.) judge that his child support payments would be increased to $50,000 per month from the current $10,000 per month amount. Rodman's ex-wife claims that Rodman makes over 5 million a month though Rodman asked, "What'd you say, bitch?"
Sources close to Rodman say he's broke and that most of his NBA fortune was spent on women's clothes. Sheckstein, hearing of Rodman's plight immediately snapped into action exclaiming, "We have to do something!"
Sheckstein, who has a long history of contributing to major social justice causes, said, "When I hear stories like Dennis Rodman's, I realize that there is a God and he put me on earth to do the right thing, and by God, I'm going to be there for Dennis Rodman."
Recently Sheckstein headed up major global relief efforts in Haiti, Iceland, and Kokomo, Indiana, announced the newly established "Dennis Rodman Bake Sale." The Bake Sale will take place this Sunday at the Agnostic Tabernacle and Coffee Shop in Hobocktin, New Jersey.
"If everyone just brings a little something, like a brownie or a few Pillsbury cookies and we put them out, we might be really able to raise some funds for Dennis," said the frenzied social activist. Rodman, through a marijuana/vodka induced haze could only mutter, "Brownies? yeah man, I dig brownies."
Won't you find it in your heart to reach out to Dennis Rodman in this time of need?
PAC 10 PETITIONS TO MOVE OCEAN
Los Fritos Lay, CA -- The Pac-10 conference has formally submitted a petition to the U.S. Bureau of Topography to move the Pacific Ocean to the east coast of the United States.
The conference is seeking to expand to 102 teams in an effort to increase revenues but is having difficulty finding enough teams on the west coast. "Renaming the Atlantic Ocean the Pacific Ocean solves everything," said conference commissioner Vasco DeGamma. "Why shouldn't North Carolina and South Carolina play in the Pac 10?" he asked.
The league would go through a realignment and it would make way for a substantial post-season championship series. "We think with Boston College and Miami in the league, revenues could exceed 100 billion dollars," added DeGamma. In addition, he suggested, "We get rid of the ridiculous three hour time difference too, so we can play games during the day."
Bernie Rubble, Athletic Director at Pennsylvania's Slippery Rock University, said, "I think we'd be a viable Pac 10 team and we already run the West Coast offense so that would save some money right off the bat." Little known Dipsey University For Haircutting and Cosmetology announced their plans to play in the newly aligned Pac 10. Though Dipsey is currently under a two-year NCAA suspension for recruiting violations, AD Penny Furyurtauts said, "I would kill for the opportunity to blow dry Pete Carroll."
President Obama believes that moving the oceans could be very helpful to the stagnant economy. "If the Atlantic becomes the Pacific and the Pacific becomes the Atlantic or if we just have one big Pacific, who cares? The most important issue facing this country right now is the lack of a national college football playoff system and this is a step in the right direction," he said from the Rose Garden.
Seriously, who can really tell the difference between the Atlantic and the Pacific?
NORTH KOREAN DICTATOR THREATENS ENTIRE WORLD OVER MRS. BECKHAM
Pongping, North Korea -- With the excitement brewing over the approaching FIFA World Cup, North Korea strongman, dictator, and owner of one large nuclear device, Kim Ill Jong threatened the entire Western Hemisphere if his demand for a date was not met.
"Don't call me 'Ill'," he joked yesterday, "my close pals call me 'Sicko'." Either way, the 70 something unpredictable leader told the world that he wants to have an intimate relationship with Posh Spice, wife of soccer star David Beckham, or else he'll "go nuclear."
For years, Ill Jong has used nuclear weapons to get girls. "It's a great opening line," he said yesterday in his native Korean. "Let me tell you, chicks like guys with nuclear weapons and if they don't, I can blow up their entire country," he explained. "Lots of guys brag about the car they drive or their golf scores but me, who needs that shit when I can put a big plutonium cap up someone's ass," he continued.
Observers say that Ill Jong has long been infatuated with Posh Spice and can often be seen "doing the macarena to the tune of 'Tell Me What You Want, I'll Tell You What You Want'."
"Truthfully," said one of his generals, "he just wants to get on 'Dancing With The Stars' with Victoria and then this silly crush will be over." Sources close to Ill Jong say that this has long been his goal and has fuel the entire crisis on the Korean Peninsula.
"Look the guy loves Victoria Beckham and he loves to dance," said the official Communist Party Newspaper Let's Party. There's been no response from the Beckham camp but close friends say don't be surprised if you see Spice and Sicko doing the tango in 2011.
"I'll tell you what I want, I want Posh Spice and lap dance!" confided Ill Jong to staffers.
TIGER WOODS MAKES MOVE FOR SOUTH CAROLINA CANDIDATE
Myrtle Beach, SC -- Golfer Tiger Woods was seen in a bar yesterday using his now renown sexual powers to seduce South Carolina's GOP candidate Nikki Haley.
Woods told friends and colleagues that he planned to move and settle in the state because, "The climate is right if you know what I mean." It appears Woods was referring to the slew of extramarital affairs among the state's political leadership including Gov. Mark Sanford.
"Shit, I could probably get elected in this state but right now, my eyes are zeroed in on Nikki Haley amazing butt," Woods said breathlessly. Haley, a Tea Party favorite, said she'd serve Woods, "coffee, tea, or me."
Woods is said to be conflicted somewhat about the Tea Party. "At first glance, I was really stoned (testosteroned) up about Sarah Palin but shit, I didn't feel like going all the way to Alaska to get laid," he explained. "But South Carolina is so convenient to my Florida home plus it's got a ton of great courses and the winter golf packages are amazing," he said referring to the area's 5 day 4 night deal in January that includes at least two premium courses and a fabulous breakfast buffet.
Gov. Sanford reacted to Woods statement asking, "Do you think I may have made out better if I had stayed local instead of going all the way to Argentina to get some choochie?"
Haley for her part said she felt no jealousy being Woods' 22nd choice. "Look I'm having great sex and getting some fabulous lessons with my sand play and putting from the number one golfer in the world AND I just won the Republican nomination for governor...I'd say it's pretty damn good day, wouldn't you?"
Now a lesbian affair too in this Tea Party thing?
NO U.S. SOCCER FANS TRAMPLED
Philadephia, PA -- There were no reports of any soccer fans in the United States that were trampled to death this past weekend.
That makes 52,747 consecutive weeks that no U.S. soccer fans were trampled to death since the Bureau of Soccer Statistics has been keeping trampling records. However, 7,000,014 soccer fans were trampled to death around the rest of the world this weekend.
In South Africa, site of this year's World Cup, several hundred thousand people were trampled to death when 100 free tickets were announced available for a exhibition match between North Korea and Nigeria. The entire countries of Nigeria, Madagascar, and Outer Mongolia were trampled to death when they tried to squeeze into a 2500 seat stadium to watch an exhibition match between the Spice Girls and Singapore.
"We're very proud that no U.S. fans were trampled to death in the U.S. trying to get into a soccer match," said President Barack Obama. "It just goes to show you how my administration is dealing effectively with the entire global issue of soccer trampling," he said relieved.
"I think it speaks volumes about the type of soccer fans we have in the United States," said soccer trampling expert Oingo Boingo. "It doesn't matter if there are free tickets being given away or not, they'll never trample one another going to see a soccer match," he added.
However, sadly several fans were trampled to death at a recent MLS game in Chester, Pennsylvania when they tried to leave a game. Philadelphia Union security turned fire hoses and tear gas on several thousand fans who tried leaving the stadium due to excessive boredom. One witness explained the scene as, "People rushed the exits trying to escape the MLS game and there were just so many people who could escape at one time and many just panicked trying to get away."
Several MLS franchises will burn fans to death if they try escaping a MLS game before it begins.
POKER PLAYERS USING PERFORMANCE ENHANCEMENT DRUGS
Las Vegas, NV -- A study presented this week at a national conference said that almost 99.9% of poker players use performance enhancement drugs to enhance their performance.
"Performance enhancement drugs enhance performance therefore the name performance enhancement drugs actually do exactly what their name suggests, namely enhancing performance," said presenter Dr. Geraldo Tarkanian of the UNLV Center for Corruption in Sport and Recruiting.
The study looked at 100 competitive poker players and found out that most (99.3 %) were fat, overweight, drank excessively, smoked weed, wore cheap sunglasses, and "lied consistently through their f***ing teeth, and most importantly, these assholes can't be trusted."
In addition, the study said that people who actually watch competitive poker on television "are desperate f***ing losers who most likely watch poker because they haven't been able to score any nookie since the Eisenhower Administration."
Dr. Tarkanian, speaking to the conference while chewing on his signature towel, said, "Let's face it, playing poker on Friday night with some guys and some beers is as American as apple pie, but watching poker on like ESPN 5 at 3am is just a f***ing pathetic state of affairs and should be addressed by a major act of Congressional legislation!"
"
At least we know what happened to all those Lynard Skynard dudes.
AL-QAEDA LOSES NUMBER 3 HITTER; SEEKS TRADE
Abhore, Pakistan -- Al-Qaeda, the world's top terrorist baseball team lost it's No. 3 hitter Mustafa Al-Shakanbake to death yesterday in the mountains of Pakistan.
Al-Shakanbake has led the team in hitting for the last two seasons and manager Sparky Al-Mustafa said that the team would try and make a trade with another group over the next few days. "We keep losing No. 3 guys and thank goodness we're keeping our No. 2 and No. 1 guys," said Al-Mustafa, "because everyone knows we're unbeatable with our No. 1 guy."
Team management said they would try and make a deal with several franchises in Yemen or Somalia or North Africa. Scout Ayman Al-Gitthehecouttahere said that there are some quality prospects ready to "step up to the 'Big Show'" and that it won't be difficult to replace Shakanbake.
"It's tough when your No. 3 guy goes down," said Al-Mustafa, "but that's the advantage of a global terror organization, we've got a big reach and a lot of guys want to step up to the plate." Al-Qaeda, who is currently 2 1/2 games behind league leader Al-Kabob, is off to slow start this season. "We're not hitting like we thought we would but that the way this game goes," said Al-Mustafa. "You never know who's going to get hot and be effective for you down the stretch," he added.
This weekend Al-Qaeda faces the feared Al-Yanky club for a three-game series at home. Al-Yanky, perhaps the highest paid team ever assembled, is loaded with overpriced free agents. "Whether you like it or not," said Al-Yanky owner Staini Al-Brenner, the team with the deepest pockets wins.
Hot prospect Sheikh Bobby Schmidt is hitting .368 in the Arabian Peninsula League.
CANADIAN SOCCER LEAGUE REVERSES 5000 YEARS OF HISTORY
Ottawa, Canada -- An Ottawa youth soccer league announced a new rule where any team that scores more than a five-goal league will be declared the game's loser.
Carl Marks, the commissioner of the Gloucester Dragons Youth Soccer League, said yesterday that the new rule is designed to "make everyone equal so that none of the players feel bad after getting the snot kicked out of them." Outcries from the community were loud and swift with several critics blaming the Obama Administration again for "taking the whole world down the socialist path."
Obama denied any involvement in the decision but said he was confident "that we can all be winners."
Historian Edward Huntington Whitehead said that the rule is the first time in the history of Western Civilization that there is a rule that forbids a player to "intentionally beat the piss out of an opponent." Huntington said that the decision could alter the entire direction of future history. "Did I just say future history? I think I just said one of those oxymoron things, didn't I?" he asked. "But you get the idea...from now on in the future when we look back at the past while we're in the present we will record that everyone was a winner and if that isn't some kind of bullshit then I'm not Edward Huntington Whitehead," he added.
Detroit Lions head coach Jim Schwartz said that he was very excited with the new rule saying, "Let's move the Lions to Ottawa." Likewise the Pittsburgh Pirates, the Houston Astros, and the New Jersey Nets all planned to relocate their franchises and participate next season in the Gloucester league. "I just went to an undefeated season," said St. Louis Rams head coach Steve Spagnoulo. "Shit, that was easy!" he exclaimed.
The Chinese entry scored zero goals, gave up 15, yet claimed a "stunning victory over the greedy American imperialists!"
ANGELS 1ST BASEMAN BREAKS RECORD 18 BONES
Anaheim, CA -- Los Angeles Angels first baseman Kendry Morales broke his leg after hitting the game winning base clearing grand slam that led his team over the Seattle Mariners 5-1.
Morales in a celebratory jump at home plate broke his ankle in several places as a result of landing awkwardly. As he was escorted to the dugout, Morales stepped on a sprinkler cap breaking several bones in his other leg. As he was carried into the dugout he accidentally bumped the water cooler which landed on his left foot crushing several other bones. But that wasn't the end of things for the accident prone Morales. Inside the clubhouse, a locker suddenly fell on him pinning him to the ground and ultimately breaking several ribs. As he was rushed to the hospital, his ambulance was in a head on collision and Morales suffered several lacerations and broke his nose and orbital bones.
"Fortunately," said an optimistic Morales tapping his crotch, "my package is intact." With that a light fixture fell from the ceiling landing on his genitalia. "Well I guess it's just not my day," chuckled Morales. "But hey," he added, "I like this new health plan that Obama passed, now lets see it in action."
Shortly afterwards, Morales' insurance company refused to allow any treatment citing the fact that, "What the f*** was he doing stomping on home plate to begin with?" Morales is expected to miss the next 465 games as he recovers.
Angels manager Mike Sciosia said, "I hope this is a lesson to everyone that we're on a fast track to socialism in this country with this goddamn health care plan and that all you kids out there take heed, if you hit a grand slam, crawl for at least the last five steps to home."
What does this have to do with Kendry Morales? How does this new healthcare program affect boob jobs?
ROETHELISBERGER ASSAULTED BY NATALIE GULBIS
Oakmont, PA -- An LPGA golfer and former girlfriend of troubled NFL'er Ben Roethelisberger assaulted the QB on in the woods near the 15th fairway of the famed Oakmont Country Club.
Natalie Gulbis told reporters later that, "Ben is a great guy but all this talk of assault has turned him into a pussycat." She explained that as the two got far away from the clubhouse and were looking for his errant tee shot in the trees off to the right. Gulbis said later, "I just felt like hitting him with a club so I did."
Gulbis defended her actions saying, "I think most of the world feels like any star athlete who consistently uses the wrong 'head' deserves to be smacked."
Later Roethelisberger, still groggy from the hit, said, "Wow, and I didn't even try to get her pants off and gee we were in the woods and truthfully the thought crossed my mind, like why not, cause we're way out on the course and no one could hear her scream but then she just whacked me and that's all I remember."
Roethelisberger and Gulbis dated for awhile until Gulbis woke up one day and realized, "Shit, he's big, dumb, ugly, and he's had two sexual assault accusations and wow, he deserves to have someone kick the shit out of him."
Steelers owner Art Rooney said, "We're very happy Natalie hit Ben over the head with 9-iron and I would gladly did it myself but I'm old and arthritic can't swing a friggin' golf club."
Yes, Natalie, you may hit me over the head with a 9-iron too!
VENUS WILLIAMS HONORED BY PLUMBERS AND STONE MASONS
Paris, FRANCE -- Tennis player Venus Williams was honored yesterday with France's prestigious "Craque de Derierre" award after revealing her entire ass last week at the French Open.
Williams, who played a match last week wearing a see-through tennis outfit, said, "I'm honored that I have an honored ass crack and that the French can recognize a sweet booty when they see one."
The Craque de Derierre is awarded by the French Legion of Plumbers and Stone Masons yearly to the one person who can continue the long French tradition of "Plumet de Butt Lineage." Historically the French have celebrated the exposure of the long line that extends from the bottom of an ass to the top and that is exposed normally by fat guys wear low riding pants without a belt.
"Venus Williams has a butt that is the envy of all plumbers and stone masons," said General Louis De Perrier, the current chair of the awards committee.
Vivid Entertainment, a long time leader in the adult film industry, simultaneously announced the launching of the "All-Williams Ass Channel," showing all Williams ass, 24-7. "We believe there is a substantial adult market, and probably some kids that can stay up late, that want to see a 24-7 Williams sisters ass channel," said Vivid spokesperson Lotty Rude.
Serena Williams, whose ass is not one to dismiss, said she was, "a little hurt that the French failed to honor my sweet, sweet large round ass!"
It's official, it's a top-ranked ass.
LONDON UNVEILS OLYMPIC PENISES
London, England -- London Olympic organizers unveiled the most interesting and provocative mascots in all of sports history last week as the city tried to stir excitement amongst a broke, disinterested population.
The games should set the city back about 25 billion dollars but officials say the costs are well worth it because, "We've got two penises as mascots." Wenlock and Mandeville, two one-eyed creatures that will be a hit with both children and adults, were shown off for reporters in a pre-game marketing blitz.
Designer Harry Bonaire explained, "Since this is Europe, we thought it prudent to have two penises, one circumcised and the other not." Bonaire added, "We think people are going to want to just hold them and have fun with them."
Longtime Olympic mascot expert Dr. Hardley Tolking said, "Having penises as mascots is something new and refreshing and certainly metaphorical for all of those Londoners who will get dicked having to pay the large Olympic bill after the games."
"We are going to sell millions of little and big Wenlocks and Mandevilles which fans can use in a variety of ways," explained Bonaire. "This could revolutionize the way we use mascots," he smiled.
Wenlock and Mandeville, your 2010 Olympic mascots...remember, batteries not included.
KIKI VANDEWEGHE EXILED TO SIBERIA
Vladedivac, Russia -- Former New Jersey Nets coach Kiki Vandeweghe will most likely spend the rest of his life in a Soviet Gulag in the distant plains of Siberia.
Yesterday, a Russian court decided that Vandeweghe should no longer coach the Nets and that he deserves life in prison for "almost matching the 1973 Sixers with the worst won-lost record in NBA history."
New team owner Mikahail Prokhorov announced yesterday that, "I hope he freezes ass off cause baby it f***ing cold in Siberia and I mean, f***ing cold!" Under former Soviet Union law (which can be a real bitch), Vandeweghe is not eligible for an appeal. Though he will spend the rest of his years in a 4x8 cell with only some black bread and water, he remained incredibly upbeat.
"Hey, I just got finished coaching the New Jersey Nets...you think the Gulag is worst?...Piece of cake!" exclaimed Vandeweghe. "And," he added, "look at the bright side, I'll learn a new language and hopefully finally get through 'War and Peace," which has been on my night stand for years."
Prokhorov, the Russian billionaire who recently purchased the team, added, "Wait until the other prisoners hear his name is Kiki...you can bet he'll be some guy's wife real quick."
Siberian Gulag? Doesn't make Newark, NJ look too bad after all.
MCNABB BUYS ICE CREAM FOR ALL PHILADELPHIANS
Philadelphia, PA -- Former Eagles and now Redskins quarterback Donovan McNabb took the entire city of Philadelphia out for ice cream last night.
The former QB left the city under a cloud of bad feeling and said, "I wanted to apologize to the fans for choking so many times in my career and I thought taking everyone out for ice cream was a great idea." Over 3.5 million fans crammed into the Chestnut Street Baskin and Robbins and accepted McNabb's gesture.
"We would have preferred beer if he really wanted to make up with us but hey, we're in an economic downturn so free ice cream is nothing to sneeze at," said Sam DiDonuto of South Philadelphia.
Fans became a little edgy with the slow scooping at the ice cream shop and several people were trampled to death but owner Fritz Starkman said, "I think things went rather smoothly considering over 2 million people requested sprinkles and that always slows up the f***in line."
McNabb said that he hoped his gesture would once and for all close his Philly chapter and he winked, "And next year? You think they'll be bad feeling if I take the Redskins to the Super Bowl?"
Philly fans promised that if the Redskins finish above the Eagles in the NFC East, McNabb will be shot, stuffed, and mounted outside of Lincoln Financial Field. "And," said Eagles owner Jeffrey Laurie, "we're extremely grateful for all that Donovan has done for the Eagles franchise but can I get some butterscotch on my chocolate cone?"
Mrs. McNabb seemed to really get into the forgiveness motif.
CARNIVAL LINES ANNOUNCE FAILED QB CRUISE
Miami, FL -- Luxury cruise ship line Carnival unveiled it's latest celebrity package called, "Cruise To Nowhere."
The company said it believes their latest marketing ploy has a little something for everyone. For $1295 per person, the customer can board a ship and cruise in the polluted waters of the Gulf of Mexico with the "Who's Who" of failed NFL quarterbacks.
Carnival spokesperson Jack Huarte explained, "If we were going to put some legit QB stars on a boat for a week signing autographs, do you think we could get away with charging $1295 and still make a profit?" "We believe that there are some serious football fans who would relish the opportunity to hobnob with the likes of Ryan Leaf, Todd Marinovich, and Jamarcus Russell," added Huarte. "And as an added bonus we're throwing in Akili Smith and for an extra 100 bucks you can do a New Testament reading with Tim Tebow and he hasn't even failed yet," he said with excitement.
Ryan Leaf said he was looking forward to the cruise because, "It's just a great opportunity for me to sell some drugs and rehash my .2 career quarterback rating." Todd Marinovich, the one time Raiders' bust exclaimed, "Ryan Leaf, oh boy, lots of drugs!" And Jamarcus Russell sighed after tipping a scale at 38o lbs., "Wow, they really have a dead pig at the midnight buffet? Boy oh Boy!"
Veteran cruiser and longtime Jockweb CEO Shecky Sheckstein said, "Wow, for a mere $1295, I can eat well, play some shuffleboard, and recapture some of my lost self-esteem!"
How about some bocci ball with Brady Quinn?
MORE TIGER: GIVES COMMENCEMENT SPEECH
Baltimore, MD -- Golfer Tiger Woods was the graduation commencement speaker yesterday as he continued to repair his damaged public image after revelations of at least 10 extramarital affairs.
Woods addressed the enthralled graduating class of Hank's Pole Dancing and Strippers College. The 57 graduates soaked in every word of Woods' vision for their future. He extolled them to "keep learning and work hard and remember you can always learn something new...stay focused on the task at hand and in your case that means extra minutes on that lap dance but do what you love and love what you do."
Several graduates gave Woods a private lap dance during the ceremony and school Dean Dixie Vixen admitted, "It held up the ceremony somewhat and truthfully for the amount of money he has, it was a pretty skimpy tip."
Woods warned the graduates that the economy that they are entering is global which means, "there's a lot of Chinese and Indian strippers that you'll have to compete against so you better put in the work to be the best because sure as shit, they are."
Several strippers said that they were inspired and one, Daisy Touche commented, "There's no doubt that he knows what he's talking about as far as what we need to do in order to succeed in our profession."
In a touching moment, the graduates presented Tiger with a miniature Boopsy LaRue, the mascot of the college.
TIGER'S INJURY TO NECK FORCES MULITPLE WITHDRAWALS
Flingling, FL -- Tiger Woods announced he would take an indefinite leave of absence from the PGA Tour in order to let his injured neck heal.
Doctors say the "neck" of Woods penis is inflamed, swollen, and in need of rest if he is to return to his former schedule of porn stars, hookers, and cocktail waitresses. "There is no way Tiger can keep up with the schedule he has maintained these last three years unless that neck gets some time off," said Dr. Uri Logist. "It's a damn wonder the whole thing is still intact," he added with professional amazement.
In addition, doctors believe there may be more to the injury than initially thought. "Penile injury can be a result of mulitple factors," said Logist. "The goals for Tiger's treatment will be obviously be the preservation of penile length, erectile function, and the ability to void while standing, in other words, we've got some real work ahead of us," he said sternly concerned and with great anticipation.
Penile injury is not uncommon and most often is a result of overuse, sudden blunt trauma, or just a bit too much self-gratification and symptoms may include a markedly thin and and soft tunica albuginea. "Sometimes the penis just says to you, 'Enough already!' said penile expert Dr. Hefner. "At the end of the day, you don't want your penis to fall off and it's a small wonder that Tiger's member is still in place," added Hefner. "I'm hoping he can use his penis well into his 80's and maybe even into his 90's like I have," said Hef in his silk operating gown.
Wow, does that ever smart! Are you getting that hollow feeling right in the middle of your gut?
12-YEAR-OLD WINS PBA EVENT; MAYHEM ENSUES
Seattle, WA -- A twelve year old boy became the youngest athlete ever to win money professionally as an athlete rolling his way to his first Professional Bowlers Tour event.
Young Tommy Hankey bowled an almost perfect 299 game on his way to a 13 game total of 4929 for a unheard of 292 average (don't bother to check the math, it's fictional) and a $10,000 check. The joyful Hankey grabbed the check but did not say he would be going to Disney World but immediately announced to his group of classmate supporters, "Let's get some hookers!"
Mrs. Hankey, Tommy's mother, said she felt in the throes of an ethical dilemma saying, "Well it is his money and as a parent I'm trying to teach him values of thrift and good money management but what the hell, a few hookers and some beer is a major part of the male development process."
Several bowlers on tour complained that Hankey was able to roll such high games because he was allowed to use "bumpers" on each side of his lane. Hankey defended the "bumper" strategy saying, "It's my f***ing birthday party and I get to use bumpers!"
Later, Hankey treated his 6th grade friends to a night one buddy said, "We'll never forget." Several ladies from the "Cozy Cavern" escort service arrived at Mel's Bowling Heaven and the group partied until 3am. Mel Freed, owner of Mel's said later, "It was a wild night but hey, it's bowling alley and boys just have to be boys."
It should come as no surprise that Hankey and his pals blew through his prize money leaving him with a hangover and penniless.
ST. LOUIS INTERN SUES AFTER OFFERED MCGWIRE JOB
St. Louis, MO -- A former employee of the St. Louis Cardinals sued the team this week alleging she received a menial, sub-par job after her internship because of her race and gender.
Kazia Russell was an intern for the entire year of 2005 and expected to get a full-time "good job" with the organization after, "I busted my f***ing tail for Tony LaRussa." Russell spent her internship making sure LaRussa's "very gelled coif was a very gelled coif."
For an entire year Russell made sure LaRussa was supplied with gel and each day, several times a day she applied gel to LaRussa's scalp and fashion the now signature LaRussa look. However, by the end of the internship LaRussa grew tired of Russell citing the proverbial, "It's time for a change and we need to go in a new direction," leaving Russell without a job.
The team offered her another position as regular urine tester for Cardinal coach Mark McGwire. Russell saw the offer as a demotion and an insult whereas the Cardinals claim, "It's one damn important job and one that should have been in place years ago."
Russell commented yesterday, "What do I look like, some dumb bitch that's gonna follow McGwire around and when the spirit moves him, collect a pee sample? Shiat, no f***ing way!"
A Cardinals spokesperson said, "We feel that Ms. Russell was treated fairly and equitably and as proof we offer that we now have five full-time employees working as McGwire piss people."
Look what happens to Tony LaRussa without a dedicated intern!
LT INVOKES TIGER DEFENSE
Suffer, NY -- Former NY Giants Hall of Fame linebacker Lawrence Taylor will most likely be the first of many to use the new developed "Tiger" defense while facing statutory rape charges after have sex with a 16-year-old prostitute.
Taylor, who was arrested on Thursday in a Holiday Inn, said, "I'm broke and I've got no money to hire a high priced attorney so most likely I'll have to defend myself." LT has no formal legal training but added, "Most of this legal shit you can get on the internet."
Legal experts believe that Taylor is taking a slight chance defending himself but most believe it's a stroke of genius that he plans to use the "Tiger" defense. More than likely Taylor will claim that he only had illicit sex with one woman while Tiger had it with "many, many, many, many, many women." In addition Taylor could argue, "Look, I smoke crack and crack really messes up your ability to tell the age of a prostitute." And lastly, Taylor might point out, "Hey, Tiger's running around behind his wife's back, often times texting sexual messages to women right while his wife was in the same room...at least I paid for a room in the Holiday Inn." He might even add, "And Elin was so hot that Tiger should go to jail just for being so greedy."
Several judges who reviewed the facts of the Taylor case agree that if you look at the two situation, Woods doesn't smoke crack and therefore has much better taste in porn stars and cocktail waitresses. "IF Taylor had met up with a porn star or cocktail waitress in the Holiday Inn, then we're not having this conversation," said one Supreme Court Justice.
Holiday Inn officials sought to reassure the public, that though most of their business comes from men using their location for sex with prostitutes, "We really go out of our way to make sure that clean sheets are put on all beds before check in."
There's going to a lot of nice looking guys ready to tango with LT on "Dancing With The Felons."
LOS SUNS DRAW LINE IN THE SAND
Phoenix, AZ -- The Phoenix Suns continued their political activism by donning the "Los Suns" jerseys at last night's game in protest of the new Arizona immigration law that allows police to stop and arrest suspected illegal immigrants at will.
Arizona government officials immediately became worried that the fierce stand taken by the Suns could expand into other political issues. One unnamed spokesperson for the governor said, "The possibilities are endless and Los Suns could easily be Los Prostitutes next week if the team decides to protest prostitution laws."
The team said that for Game 2 of the series they would wear Los Cartel in support of the Mexican drug trade because as one Suns' player said, "Drugs need a good cartel." One Phoenix fan said, "What about the parking tax at the airport, so why not Los Robbers or how about the new ordinance against jaywalking...I sort of like Los Jays."
President Obama said in reaction to the protest, "The NBA becoming a political force? My worst f***ing nightmare." NBA commissioner David Stern said, "We're just beginning. From here on out every team every night will be protesting by exchanging franchise tags on uniforms for political slogans!"
Immediately Kobe Bryant slipped on a yellow Lakers jersey with "Stop West Bank Settlements." Spainard Pau Gasol got into the political mood with a uniform that said, "Kill All Basque!"
Longtime political commentator George Will commentated, "The NBA has the deep political consciousness necessary to become a major player in world governance...it's about time!"
We now get all of our political information via the NBA.
PHILLIES SUCCESSFULLY TAZE CARDINALS
Philadelphia, PA -- Philadelphia Carlos Ruiz single-handedly defeated the St. Louis Cardinals last night by "tazing" the tying run at the plate.
Phillies manager Charlie Manual equipped his entire defense last night with tasers after Monday's game when a fan was tazed by police for running onto the field. "Those tasers are the greatest," said Manual, "it just stops you in your tracks and it's one of the best defensive tools in baseball."
Cardinals star Albert Pujols rounded third and was heading home trying to tie the game in the top of the 10th but Ruiz pulled the taser from his back pocket and stopped Pujols a good five feet from the plate and then put the tag on him for the third out.
Manual added, "It's just plain wrong for someone to try and get an extra base by stealing but not anymore." Several Phillies tazed other Cardinals throughout the game. First baseman Ryan Howard was able to keep several Cardinals close to the bag throughout the game saying, "You know a guy thinks twice before taking a lead if he knows he going to be tazed."
Announcer Marv Albert expressed concern that tazing has found it's way into professional sports. Speaking outside a "gentlemen's club" Albert said, "Do you think when I try to bite women now, they might try and taze me?"
Tired of those really great looking women rejecting your overtures? Here's your answer to "Get lost creep!"
JESSE JACKSON FURIOUS OVER DEL NEGRO FIRING
Chicago, IL -- Activists Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton announced today that they would stand idly by while the Chicago Bulls fired coach Vinny Del Negro.
Jackson, speaking to reporters said in a robust voice, "This is not Mississippi in 1964, this is not Alabama in 1965, where Del Negros can be terminated because of their racial heritage!" He added that Del Negro must be reinstated immediately or else there would be at least a three million man march against the Chicago Bulls and he added, "You can bet we ain't buying season tickets next year."
Del Negro said he was angered over the ongoing racist treatment by Bulls management saying things like, "No Del Negros need apply" and even stooping to suggest that Del Negro "might be able to dance but he can't coach." "Typical of all the things I've had to endure my whole life," said Del Negro.
NBA commissioner David Stern said there would a full scale investigation because, "as far as I'm concerned we encourage teams to hire Del Negros and we even have a program to insure that teams interview at least one every time a coaching vacancy comes up."
Bulls' General Manager John Paxson denied that there were any racial underpinnings to the firing, "I have many Del Negro friends and though there are none living in my neighborhood, this is America and I believe that in 2010, we are past all this talk about Del Negros."
Al Sharpton later said, "Whoa, false alarm, ain't gonna be no marching for this Del Negro!"
FEAGLES LEAVES GIANTS OVER INTERVIEW
New York, NY -- Punter Jeff Feagles announced his departure from the New York Giants citing "irreconcilable differences," after he stormed out of an interview with Giants' coach Tom Coughlin.
Each season the Giants' front office interview each player to discuss goals for the coming season, arrests from the past season, and to probe their private lives as much as allowed. "As coach I want to know as much about my players as I possibly can," said Coughlin.
The 64-year-old Feagles has been punting since the Eisenhower administration and has a reputation as a "party animal," and Coughlin said their meeting was, "just to get things straight about punting expectations."
The meeting went sour when Coughlin asked Feagles if his mother was a "crack smoking prostitute." "What my mother does in her spare time is no business of Tom Coughlin," steamed Feagles. Coughlin tried explaining, "Hey, all the teams ask that question so why take it so personally?" Coughlin added, "There's nothing wrong with crack smoking prostitutes and in fact politicians and coaches alike, need crack smoking prostitutes to help us with the grinding NFL season."
Mrs. Feagles, who turns 82 next week, said that "though I've always liked Tom Coughlin's feisty personality I don't think he can put a good offensive product on the field."
NFL commissioner Roger Goodell had nothing too say except, "Wow, Jeff Feagles mother is a crack smoking prostitute? Wow, that's really encouraging that at her age she can find something to keep her busy."
Mrs. Feagles said she was very proud of her son's longevity and added that she's still owed some money from former NY governor Eliot Spitzer.
TEAMS LOSING MORE THAN GAMES IN ARIZONA
Phoenix, AZ -- MLB teams are threatening to forfeit all remaining games against the Arizona Diamondbacks after a new law was passed that allows law enforcement to pick up anyone suspected of being an illegal alien.
Yesterday 14 Chicago Cubs were picked up and jailed with deportation proceedings beginning before the 7th inning stretch. Chicago Cubs manager Lou Pinnella had to finish the game with 5 players but said he was happy with the way his team competed.
"They battled, even though they're were on five of them and the D-backs seemed to be finding the gaps where our players weren't but all in all, we're the Cubs and we're losing if we have a full team or a half team," said Pinella.
MLB commissioner asked all teams to consider playing Arizona anyway. "What we're going to do is start a massive legal name change drive so that all of our players named Luis, Juan, or Carlos will be renamed Bryce, Adam, and Wilton," explained Bud Selig. Each team will play Arizona with a full roster of white Anglo-Saxon Protestants which Selig said, "may hurt the quality of baseball but it should help beer sales."
Several Chicago Cubs were forced by Immigration officials to return home yesterday, leaving the club with a very thin infield.
CHINESE GYMNASTS STRIPPED BY IOC
Dubai, United Arab Emirates -- The International Olympic Committee accidentally stripped a teenage gymnast yesterday and the entire future of the Olympic Games may be at stake.
It began innocently enough when it was determined that China was using some seriously underaged gymnasts to win gold medals back in 2000. Dong Ki Ho Tee was only 14 when she won a gold medal during the Sydney games. However, the rules state that you must be 16 years of age to participate. Yesterday the IOC demanded that Ki Ho Tee be stripped of her medal.
As she was being stripped of the medal, IOC chairman Larry Flynt said, "If we're gonna strip her, let's strip her all the way cause I figure about now she's 24 and could use some supplemental income." After Flynt put on some good stripping music and Ki Ho Tee's gloves came off, Chinese officials balked.
"That's enough of that," said Chinese premier Yua Hun Kee, "Chinese don't strip, we play checkers!" Flynt responded, "That's too bad, because this IOC thing is really dull and some stripping would really perk up our meetings."
Later it was determined that Ki Ho Tee was born in the Year of the Centipede which proves nothing. No one at the IOC understood anything about the Chinese calendar and then there was a seven hour discussion about which came first the Year of Ox or the Year of the Donkey. Later, everyone sent out for Chinese food and the whole episode was settled amicably with egg rolls and General Zhou chicken for everyone and Dong Ki Ho Tee going home with all her clothes on.
China tried convincing everyone that this gymnast already had her Ph.D.
DOLPHINS EXECUTIVE APOLOGIZES TO DEZ BRYANT
Miami, FL -- Miami Dolphins General Manager Jeff Ireland apologized to Cowboys' No. 1 pick Dez Bryant for asking him during a pre-draft interview, "Is your momma a ho?"
Ireland defended himself saying, "We're looking for character guys who we're investing a lot of money in and if his momma can bring some more money into the franchise by ho-ing and dealing crack, then we want him as a Dolphin."
Bryant's mother is long-time anti-gay activist and former Miss America Anita Bryant. She is most known as a former spokeswoman for Florida fresh squeezed orange juice and for calling on Jesus to kill all homosexuals. And now according to Ireland, she's a drug selling prostitute.
Bryant denied that his mother is anti-gay. "She may be a ho, and she may have dealt crack, but hey, she loves gay guys and we've got gay guys over the house all the time doing like gay things like making custom draperies and even cooking with a fondue pot," explained Bryant.
Anita Bryant railed against the Dolphins yesterday asking Jesus to come down and swat down old, fat, cranky football executives like Bill Parcells. And the gay community expressed their outrage too! Gay activist and former Florida congressman Mark Foley said he like nothing better than to sit down with a glass of freshly squeezed Florida orange juice whil listening to Anita Bryant sing "How Great Thou Art." "And," said Foley, "that boy of her's, Dez, he's a hellava steal at the 24 spot in the draft."
Anita Bryant, orange juice pitchwoman, friend of all things gay, and crack ho.
MOTHER BRIBES COACH FOR PLAYING TIME FOR SON
Hoolo Visto, CA -- A mother of a Little League baseball player offered sexual favors to her son's coach in exchange for more playing time.
Laverne Raspute, who's son Mitch had been wasting away at the end of his team's bench, took matters into her own hands, and yesterday reached out to coach Harve Prisnell telling him that there was some special treats available to him if he gave her son a few innings of playing time.
Prisnell responded immediately allowing Mitch to pitch seventeen consecutive innings of a tight extra-innings contest. "I'm a volunteer coach and I don't get paid," said Prisnell after the game which saw his Gryphon team squeak out a 22-21 victory over the rival Sharks. "So imagine my delight when Laverne offered her pleasures to me for letting Mitchell get some quality playing time," he explained.
League commissioner Dick Longley commented, "Oh boy, is this ever going to change Little League." Already coaches around the country are scheming lineup changes with a new found attitude, "Yes, we can be bought."
Longley said, "Williamsport in August will be reduced to a Greek orgy." However Prisnell reminded everyone, "Look it's all for the good of the kids...if it helps kids like Mitch get on the field more, then I say it's win-win!"
Phillies manager Charlie Manuel commented, "Hey if this kid's mom's a looker, he's got the fourth spot in my rotation."
GAY SOFTBALL STIFFENS RULES
San Francisco, CA -- The National Association for Gay Sport announced yesterday that "we're tightening up a loophole" that for years has diminshed the gay softball experience.
It seems that for years, gay softball teams have allowed bisexual and transgendered men to play in the National Gay World Series but that has given some team tremendous advantages. In addition, many men are claiming gayness just to get into the league.
"A tight hole is always better than a loose hole," said commissioner Frank Barney. "We want to insure that if you insert someone in the lineup that, well you get the image, that they can be counted to insert themselves in the team," he added.
Under the new rules, players will have to undergo periodic testing for gayness. "The testing will be random and no player will be warned before the testing," explained new testing czar Johnny Weir. "They'll be thorough examination of the player and I'll go over him with a fine tooth comb," promised Weir. "And no one who doesn't pass my 33 point inspection will be allowed to participate," said Weir. "It's my dream job!" he quipped.
"What has the world come to when men can feign gayness to win a World Series?" asked Alex Rodriguez. "For God's sake, if you battling with your sexual identity, why not join the Yankees?" he continued.
Some random testing.
ESPN REPORTER INVOLVED IN DOG FIGHTING
Shoeport News, VA -- ESPN sideline reporter Rachel Nichols is being investigated by police for her alleged role in a dog fighting ring.
Nichols, long known for her reputation for "living on the wild side," supposedly has been living with pit bulls, fighting with pit bulls, and hosting dog fights in her basement. Several sources close to the NFL say the Nichols and several players "do business" sometimes betting up to $20 dollars on a dog fight.
Nichols was heard saying off-camera at yesterday's NFL draft, "Jimmy Clausen isn't going in the first round so let's wrap up quick today and get some dog fighting in." Friends of Nichols say the reporter isn't beyond getting in the ring herself and mixing it up with a rival.
"She quite a pit bull herself," said colleague John Clayton. "Don't be fooled by that dumb, shit eating stare on her face, she's one mean bitch," Clayton added.
ESPN sought to distance themselves from the case saying that by diverting reporters releasing a statement that said, "Look, we didn't know Rachel Nichols was a sicko so all of you PETA folks, stay the hell home...we'd rather you focus your attention on all of the other not so bright females in our employ...or just cruise the net looking for those Erin Andrews peephole shots."
Gees, she looks so harmless!
STANFORD RUNNING BACK TRIES TO BREAK COLOR LINE
Palo Alto, CA -- Stanford running back Toby Gerhart is attempting to do what no one before has ever accomplished and he's willing to do anything to obtain his dream.
Gerhart, a white running back, is trying to be the first white feature back in NFL history. "It's sad in this day and age that white people still face discrimination," said Gerhart, "but it just show how far this country still has to travel with regards to race issues."
NFL executives and talent scouts admit that Gerhart is an interesting possibility but as one executive put it, "He's white and we can't take a chance on him." "It's just the way things are in society," he added, "it's just the way things have always been and it's going to take some courageous people to change this."
Gerhart may be just the guy who is willing to buck the system. "I know if I'm black I'm a top ten pick," he sadly said yesterday, "and if I could be black we wouldn't be having this conversation." "But," he added, "the sad fact is that this is America in 2010 and to be a white running back means you're a second class citizen."
The Cardinal senior said that he's had to endure racial slights and insults his entire career. "People taunt me with things like, 'white slow running back' and 'hey why don't you stick to hockey'," he explained. Yesterday the frustrated Gerhart said he would try and please scouts by being more black. "I'm trying to say things like, 'It's like Martin used to say' or 'Malcolm said,' or 'if we still had Tupac and Biggie' and I'm hoping that people realize I can be a feature back," he said as he fought back the tears.
One anonymous NFL coach said, "Look, no one is going to say publicly that there is a color line but the fact is he should go out for the hockey team." "Look," the coach added, "he'd be a terrific equipment guy or maybe even he could participate in the NFL's pilot 'Whites Only Upper Management Program'."
The sad fact is that the color line is just as thick in the NHL.
MEL KIPER'S HAIR DAMAGED IN ACCIDENT
Baltimore, MD -- ESPN draft analyst Mel Kiper Jr. was injured in a hair curling accident in his home yesterday morning.
Kiper, a longtime fixture at the NFL draft, comes out of his house for one week per year, makes a sizable chunk of change with absolutely no expertise other than him telling us that he's Mel Kiper Jr., and then returns to where, the Kiper Cave? Anyhoo, it is purported that Mrs. Mel Kiper Jr. was coiffing her husband's enormous Jimmy Johnson like head with a second rate curling iron not purchased at a legitimate electronics boutique but from a neighborhood flea market.
Mrs. Kiper explained later, "I get the darnest good deals at flea markets just driving around the neighborhood and on Saturday, I came across a curling iron and I said to myself, 'Why you're married to Mel Kiper Jr. and wow, he's got that hair and wouldn't a curling iron be the perfect purchase?'"
After getting the curling iron home, plugging it in and beginning to work on Mel's waves, the device shorted out, sparking and causing some fried follicles. "It could have been a disaster," said Kiper later, "but an angel must have been nearby cause just look at this hair, isn't it magnificent?"
ESPN released an announcement after the incident saying, "ESPN stands behind Mel Kiper Jr. and his hair and we want to assure the public that no matter what it would have taken, we were committed to bringing Mel Kiper and his hair to the NFL draft this weekend."
Mrs. Kiper told reporters later, "I just wish Mel Kiper Jr. had another skill or something...for chrissakes, he only leaves the house 7 days out of every year." Mel Kiper Sr. commented, "The boy has good great hair, you can't take that away from him, but even as his father I have to admit, I don't know what he's ever done to get the title draft expert other than to lay claim to the name Mel Kiper Jr."
The question for Mrs. Kiper, why a curling iron, why not just a blow dryer?
ROETHELISBERGER DEALT TO DUKE
Pittsburgh, PA -- In a move that startled the pro football world, the Pittsburgh Steelers traded quarterback Ben Roethelisberger to the Duke University lacrosse team.
Roethelisberger, who has been the subject of a recent investigation involving a sexual assault in Georgia, welcomed the news though he has never picked up a lacrosse stick. "I welcome the news," he said, "though I never picked up a lacrosse stick."
Duke officials and the entire city of Durham were said to be ecstatic over the deal. "Shit, we've been out of the news for like a whole two years," said Durham mayor Chelsea Morning. "Just the name Big Ben stimulates images of a large scale attack on anything, and truthfully our cops have been bored out of their minds," she added.
The Duke lacrosse team snapped immediately into action and threw a party in Roethelisberger's honor. "Girls 21 and under, strippers and ho's, what better way to say, 'Welcome Ben!' than that," said midfielder Darren Stevens. Roethelisberger allegedly appeared at a lacrosse party last evening with several off-duty policemen, who didn't act as bodyguards but made sure Ben had plenty of privacy. "Ben is a quiet, introspective type who likes to be locked away with his thoughts and of course, a woman," said one bodyguard who requested that he not be called a bodyguard.
Later after Roethelisberger left, the normally filthy "Lacrosse House" was cleaned "Spic and Span" by the off-duty policemen. "Ben tends to make a mess of a party and we always carry some Lysol just to keep things nice," said Roethlisberger's personal janitor Harvey Lax. "You know," he added, "it's always prudent to leave a place cleaner than when you found it."
Roethelisberger allegedly commented, "It's just great to be back on a college campus!"
GUIDO GONADITIS SPREADING
Atlanta, GA -- The Center for Disease Control issued a warning about the possibility of a Guido Gonaditis epidemic spreading throughout the nation's health clubs and fitness centers.
Guido Gonaditis is a condition that affects only males (or females who secretly want to be a male) and it occurs when the testicles or gonads get too large that it cuts off critical messages to the brain. Dr. Lance Hanger explained, "Gus in gyms who lift lots of weights and stand and admire themselves in front of the mirror are particularly susceptible to the enlarged gonad problem."
Hanger said, "Men who push and strain in order to increasing lift more weights enlarge their own balls and big balls have definite consequences." Initial symptoms of Guido Gonaditis include but are not limited to: having a fanatical desire to settle in North Jersey or LoooonnnnnG Island, wearing strapped t-shirts (aka wifebeaters), say hey constantly, and wear really bad, tacky gold jewelry.
Guido Gonaditis cannot be cured and though it rarely leads to death, it just is a pain the ass to witness. Hanger said, "There is no known cure except maybe to kick the Guido Gonads very hard and sometimes when the patient is doubled over he realizes, 'shit, my gonads are too big for my own good.'"
The CDC asks the public not to report any more cases but to take matters into their own hands. "Kick a guido in the nuts and that will do more to stem the tide of this dreadful condition than all the pills in China," said Hanger.
Guido Gonaditis in it's later stages.
RAPPER JAY Z GOES AFTER BIG PAPI
New York, NY -- Rapper Jay Z has called out Boston Red Sox slugger David Ortiz after Ortiz opened a nightclub in his native country named exactly after Z's nightclub in New York.
Jay Z owns the club "40/40" and Ortiz recently opened his own "40/40" in the Domininican Republic and Z wants compensation. "That fat mother f***er stole my name and he's going to change it or he's going to die," Z allegedly said while drinking a very nice stinger at the bar of his club. Stingers are a nice blend of creme de menthe and brandy and are excellent after dinner or when you just feel like threatening a big Dominican.
Attorneys for Z are demanding that Ortiz consider changing the name of his club to maybe 50/50 or 75/25 or something even more original like cuatro/cuatro. "The possibilities are endless," said numerologist Lars Counters. "You could literally open a chain of nightclubs in every city in the entire world using number titles and never repeat one," added Counters. "Did you know that the number line is infinite in both the positive and negative direction? Wow, I just thought of a solution...why not have Big Papi call his club -40/-40?"
Lawyers for Ortiz said that they would consider such a move because if you multiply two negative number you get a positive. However a negative multiplied with a positive yields a negative.
Supposedly Jay Z said, "Regardless of the number line argument, I found 40/40 first and any mother f***er that can't find his own number deserves to die."
Number lines are not only useful in naming your nightclub, they're a great recreational vehicle for frogs.
PRINCETON EXPELS EDDIE JORDAN
Princeton, NJ -- Princeton University announced that former Philadelphia 76ers coach Eddie Jordan will no longer be allowed to matriculate at the school and "he will never graduate."
Jordan, who was fired yesterday by the 76ers, got the bad news from Princeton provost Dean Memimger. "He can't do Calculus, can't do Physics, and he can't do the Princeton offense," said Meminger and "we don't want him within a hundred miles of Princeton."
The Princeton offense has been run in Princeton for over 200 years and no one quite knows what it is but everyone seems impressed with it because it's the "Princeton offense." Seven million basketball experts were interviewed in a recent poll and not the general consensus was "no one knows what the f*** the Princeton offense is or how to get to Princeton unless you get on Mapquest."
Longtime basketball genius Hot Rod Fundley explained using a chalkboard just how the supposedly intricate offense worked. "You take a basketball here, then you pass it here, and then maybe you pass again, and then everyone runs around for a bit, some people get really tired and out of breath, and they want some water but you're in the middle of a basketball game and you can't get water until there's a timeout or someone breaks a f***ing ankle or there's a TV timeout, but anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, you pass the ball some more times and then someone shoots and hopefully it goes in the f***ing basket and you get two points...that's basically the Princeton offense."
Jordan agreed that the Princeton offense is very difficult to implement unless you've got Princeton people. "Wow, I was trying it out in the NBA and shit, and these mother f***ers ain't no Princeton Tigers." Sixers GM Ed Stefanski said while firing Jordan, "We're going in a different direction, like maybe the Slippery Rock offense."
Later the entire town of Princeton came out and hung Eddie Jordan in effigy. A sad day for all.
Albert Einstein shown here in the Princeton locker room in a 1939 with his famous Princeton offense formula Running Equals Outside Shot and Two Points.
THE GHOST OF TIGER'S FATHER APPEARS AGAIN
Hookiepookie, FL -- The ghost of Earl Woods, the deceased father of golfer Tiger Woods, appeared yesterday to Elin Woods.
After appearing in a Nike commercial over the weekend, offering his troubled son marital and career advice, the ghost showed up at Tiger's mansion. According to several sources close to the situation, "Elin was furious." Supposedly the ghost tried to move in on Elin. Several paranormal experts were called to the scene and according to Daisy Richards, a local sorceress, the elder Woods "was making a move on Elin."
Richards said the ghost "came on to Elin by saying things like, 'my boy may be an asshole but I'd never treat you like that' and 'I think there's been something between us all along.'"
Experts say it's very common for parental ghosts to try and take advantage of their living children's problems. In 1998, the ghost of President Clinton's father appeared to Monica Lewinsky and said, "I won't leave no stain on your dress."
Yesterday there was no trace or appearance of the Woods ghost but porn star Joselyn James said she that "all day I felt a tingle in my tushee."
You gotta be careful of parental ghosts coming back and messing in your affairs.
NFL PROSPECT KISSES HIS SISTER
Abeliene, TX -- NFL lineman draft prospect Tony Washington tried to deflect fears that he is a registered sex offender by explaining the circumstances around his 2003 assault on his sister.
It appears that Washington had consensual sex with a relative a few years back and that landed him on a list that has NFL general managers unsure of where Washington will fit in their depth charts. "Look, the whole league is about sex offenders," said one Pittsburgh Steelers executive, "so I say if he can tackle and he's big and quick, who cares if he had sex with his sister."
Washington told reporters that it was all "just one big crazy mixup." "I was young and I was playing on my high school team and we got into a scoreless tie with one of our rivals...our coach Billy Bob Thornton said that a tie "was like kissing your sister." After the game Washington said he wanted to see if kissing his sister felt like a tie and that's when things got out of hand.
"I kissed, then I kissed again and it didn't feel at all like a tie and then the rest is history," he said.
Sex offender expert Eltrick Woulds said, "You'd be surprised how many sex offenders get in trouble when they hear that 'a tie is like kissing your sister'...we oughta change that expression, it's causing a shitload of confusion."
NFL commissioner Roger Goodell said that the new overtime rules are designed to prevent anyone from kissing their sister. "We playing the game until someone wins because if we don't get this thing under control there's a lot of sisters who are going to be...well let's just say the NFL is cracking down on sex offending!"
This kissing your sister thing is rampant in NCAA women's basketball.
WORKMEN DISCOVER RARE ARTIFACTS AT TEXAS STADIUM IMPLOSION
Irving, TX -- While setting dynamite charges for the demolition of Texas Stadium, workmen discovered a host of rare artifacts scattered within the old Dallas Cowboys facility.
The artifacts which belonged to a variety of ex-players and ownership were flown to Washington, DC, where they will be put on display in the Smithsonian Institution. Archeologist Dr. Clayton Rocher described the find as the "Dead Sea Scrolls" of the NFL.
The artifacts ranged from an old Troy Aikman jockstrap to an original crack pipe used by Michael Irvin. "By studying these artifacts we can reconstruct exactly how the Cowboys lived in the 70's and 80's," said Rocher. "It appears for instance, the position and location of the crack pipe in a ladies room stall, indicates that Michael Irvin probably smoke lots of crack before and after games and most likely with crack ho's," Dr. Rocher further explained.
Rocher excitingly added, "Archeology is a living, breathing science and see kids, you can have loads of fun digging around old ruins."
In addition, Rocher discovered what he thought was an old muskrat pelt or maybe even the hide of a large rat, but using radioactive carbon dating techniques, he announced that what he has was the very first Jerry Jones toupee. "Imagine how I felt to actually hold Jerry's first mane, wow, I had chills down my back."
Rocher concluded by saying, "It just goes to show how far hair replacement technology has come over the course of history."
Hang onto your hat, the whole display will be available for public viewing in our nation's capitol.
ANTHONY KIM GREETS WIFE WITH TEARS
Augusta, GA -- Golfer Anthony Kim made a valiant comeback at yesterday's Masters Tournament coming back from 8 down to finish in a solid third place to Phil Mickelson's first.
But that's only half the story. Kim was met by his wife, Lil, at the eighteenth hole after Kim failed to get it done in the final three holes. Anthony was met by a very hot Lil Kim and was told that under no uncertain terms he was no longer welcomed in the Kim bed.
"You know the difference between 1st place and 3rd place you dumb mother f***er?" screamed Mrs. Kim. "That's about 400,000 f***in dollars you twat head and do you have any idea what I could buy with that 400,000 f***in dollars?" she inquired.
Anthony looked at Kim, tried to hug her, and then his eyes teared. "I hate when she get like this," whimpered Anthony. "She no be happy and oh she yell me a lot," he explained to CBS's Jim Nantz in Butler cabin. "Wow, this nice cabin, maybe I sleep here tonight?" Nantz later interviewed Lil Kim and asked her, "How does it feel after all you've been through to share in Anthony's terrific comeback?"
"How the f*** do you think I feel?" asked Lil Kim. "Shit, I've been to jail, watched Tupac get killed, and this dumb mother f***er can't get me a Masters green jacket? I oughta cap his ass!"
Anthony promised Lil that he would try extra hard in
the U.S. Open. "You're damn f***in right you will or
else Lil Kim is takin her sweet ass back to Tiger!"
Anthony Kim said later of wife Lil, "She can really pick out shirts, can't she?"
SHARKS IN AUSTRALIAN TRIATHLON SPARK CREATIVITY
Sydney, Australia -- Much to the chagrin of blood thirsty fans, no sharks attacked any swimmers during the first leg of the triathlon World Championship Series.
Organizers were worried when sharks appeared in Sydney Harbor as the swimmers entered the water. The packed stands waited in anticipation waiting to see some record times as swimmers panicked and swam their asses off. But quickly one bright race employee used some home grown shark repellent to keep the sharks away.
Freddy Freidlander, who claims to be an amateur expert on sharks, realized there might be a dangerous situation developing and snapped into action. "I just used a bit of me old noggin' and asked myself if I was a shark what would scare the beejesus out of me and soon I was lowering some pictures of Liza Minnelli," he explained. Friedlander lower several 8x10 inch glossies of Minnelli throughout the harbor as well as blaring several annoying Minnelli concerts over the harbor loudspeaker system.
In a matter of seconds the sharks exited the harbor and the race proceeded without incident. "Who would have thought something as simple as Liza Minnelli would scare the sharks away?" asked race chairperson Tavis Hammerhudd. "But of course, Liza Minnelli can scare entire cities into Afghani caves, so I guess the same principle works with sharks," he said breathing a sigh of relief.
Friedlander recommends the Minnelli treatment for any situation where you might need to scare a potential threat away. "If she's naked, wow that just compounds the effect," he added, "AND the Liza technique works with household pests and jungle beasts too!"
All you mailmen afraid of dobermans and pit bulls, are you listening?
