NEWS:
TIM TEBOW PERFORMS EXORCISM ON JAKE "THE SNAKE"
Danvor, CO -- Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow spent the entire yesterday performing an exorcism on one of his Bronco predecessors Jake "The Snake" Plummer.
Tebow, a devout Christian, expressed concern that the snake or serpent or "the Devil" has taken over Plummer, and was the cause of Plummer throwing more career interceptions than any other quarterback in NFL history. The exorcism was successful but not without the devil spewing some pretty putrid vomit all over Tebow. "I just spritz some holy water with some Axe all over that evil spirit," Tebow explained later.
Plummer said he had been occupied by the snake for as long as I remember and recalled that once while playing for the Arizona Cardinals, the devil spoke to him and said, "Arizona? This is what hell is like!" After the exorcism, the devil left Plummer and was last seen occupying Brett Favre. Tebow said that they was plenty of exorcism in the NFL as he caught a plane to Alabama, where "I'm gonna get to work on that Kenny Stabler and maybe even Jerry Jones."
Plummer added, "Jees, if I knew how easy it was to get fans to love me, I would have tattooed Ezekial to my pecker and waved it at Mile High Stadium." Tebow told Plummer, "Hey, that a swell idea...genital Christian themed tattoos, wow, you are free of the devil!"
Plummer when he played for Dennis Green in Phoenix.
HOFFA LIFE INSURANCE POLICY DISCOVERED UNDER MET LIFE STADIUM
East Ruffaford, NJ -- A term life insurance policy in the name of deceased Teamster leader James Hoffa was discovered by workers, who were perform routine landscaping maintenance around the Met Life Stadium, home of the New York Jets and Giants.
Police and FBI agents surrounded the stadium with what they say, could be a crack in the case that began with Hoffa's disappearance in 1975. Hoffa, the once controversial leader of the International Brotherhood of Teamsters, was officially declared dead in 1982. He went missing and for years, it has been thought that he was buried in the landfill area which was the former Meadowlands Stadium.
However, a whole new light may now be shed on the case. "Could Hoffa have had a run in with his life insurance agent?" asked noted investigative journal Horehead Rovera. "Suddenly, everything makes sense. Anyone close to Hoffa knew he was a universal, whole life kind of customer but now, a term life policy under Met Life Stadium? Wow, holy shit, I'll be damned, jimminy crickets, Jesus H. Christ, I don't know what any of this means except, we've got a Stadium named after an insurance company and Jimmy Hoffa is still missing."
FBI agent Jay Edward Hooser said yesterday, "The Eagles beat the Giants with Vince Young and New Yorkers are still really annoying to be around, and does anybody really know what time it is...does anybody really care, whoa, whoa whoa!"
The fact is, Jimmy Hoffa is still missing and more than likely, will never collect on his life insurance policy AND, if you are considering buying insurance from that dweeby guy you went to high school with, who suddenly called you last week out of the blue and said, "Hey, can we sit down and go over your insurance coverages because guess who's in the insurance buisness?"...well just run the f*** away as fast as you can!
Hoffa was believed to hold a very diversified portfolio of treasury bonds and .38 caliber pistols.
SCHENEFFSKI GETS 6,000th WIN; DOES ANYONE GIVE A FLYING FRIG?
Rolaids, NC -- Duke University basketball coach Marv Krosnewdski won his 6000th game on Tuesday night over East Chapel Hill Hasidic Rabbinical and Baptist Seminary.
Krewwolsky has coached at Duke since the school's founding in like 1842 and shows no signs of letting up. "No siree Bob," said the coach to NBC's Bob Hostileas, "I'm not letting up as long as we keep scheduling pancake opponents like ECHRBS." Throngs of people did not gather to celebrate as the entire country had other things to do than to give a shit about Krazooski's achievement.
One guy, identified only as Mort, said, "Look I'm a TSA employee and I've got all my attention on patting down some sweet ass in the guise of looking for contraband...what a f***ing gig! So if you're me, do you think I give a shit about Duke basketball?"
Former Indiana coach and Krymeariverski mentor Bob
"Fright" Knight siad, "I never like the little germ
but I will tell you this...whenever we had a road
trip I could just put him in my pocket and take him
with us...save some travel money for our program."
Just for the hell of it, Knight picked up a folding
chair and smashed it over Zhashefski's little head.
Shasewski took the blow and said, "I'm a goddamn
legend is what I am, I just hope I don't have an
assistant coach like Joe Paterno had or this could
quickly get ugly."
West Virginia coach Bob Huggins reacted to Kromartski's win by saying, "Hey, ten beers, eight shots? Yeah, sure I can drive."
SENATOR LARRY CRAIG REACHES OUT TO SANDUSKY
Boyzee, ID -- Former Senator Larry Craig made contact with former Penn State coach Jerry Sandusky yesterday and offered any help he could.
"First, I really didn't make contact," said Craig, "I made figurative contact not literal contact, because I'm a lot smarter than I used to be about that shit." Craig, who faced some problems a few years back, reached out to Sandusky because, "I understand!" In addition Craig said, "Besides, I'm all about networking."
The former Idaho senator faced some issues after he was caught propositioning boys in a airport men's room using nothing but hand signals. "Shit, if I knew Sandusky twenty years ago, I could have been a coach, cause coaching is all about hand signals from the sidelines." Sandusky said on national television last evening, "Can you believe my attorney let me speak on national television? Oh, and that Larry Craig is a swell guy and I look forward to showering with him."
Craig said it was unfortunate that he didn't meet Sandusky earlier because, "The Senate building has some really sweet shower rooms." The Senator said that, "I'm standing behind Jerry Sandusky, which is where I always prefer to stand." Sandusky added, "I look forward to meeting the Senator and placing my hand on his thigh because I'm confident he would take it in the spirit it was offered...just a guy looking to touch another guy and hopefully get some real shit going."
Who in his life hasn't sat on upside down buckets while showering? This has nothing to do with anything, but we needed a good shower shot.
QATAR BUILDS EASTER BASKET FOR OLYMPICS
Qatar, Qatar -- Qatar officials christened their latest stadium where they will host the 2022 FIFA World Cup and afterwards they realized someone made a big mistake.
"First of all," declared Sports Minister Al Al-Alminamisal, "what the frig are we doing christening a stadium, we're f***ing Muslims, we don't christen shit. Second, look at the goddamn place, it's an Easter Basket." Sure enough, the 14 billion dollar edifice does closely resemble an Easter Basket.
"Since we're not hosting the World Cup until 2022, I say we fill it annually with lots of tasty chocolate candies," added Al-Alminamisal. "Well shit on that idea," he said catching himself, "what has gotten into us...Muslims building an Easter Basket, celebrating the rising from the dead by Jesus Christ? We've completely lost it BUT, it's a good idea when you lose it, to lose it with chocolate bunnies!"
Yesterday thousands of of Qatarians flooded the Stadium and celebrated the risen Christ by eating marshmallow bunnies and some really terrific Cadbury Easter Eggs. "I just love those f***in Cadbury eggs," said Faisal Al-Liffti, "and who cares if 2022 ever comes...let's just have eleven years of Easter mornings."
The Qatarian government announced that as an Arab nation committed to governing like a backwards 12th Century monarchy, they would hide political prisoners rather than Easter eggs because, "it's a lot more fun looking for dead political prisoners than Easter eggs."
Just look at that f***ing oversized Easter basket!
BURGLARS TAKE WILLIE GAULT'S SUPER BOWL RING; LEAVE RAP VIDEO
Los Angelos, CA -- Former Chicago Bears receiver Willie Gault was victimized by some burglars who stole his 1985 Super Bowl ring valued at over $100,000.
The ring, which is embedded with over ten thousand diamonds, was reported missing yesterday by Gault after he returned home from stuffing himself full of chalupas at a local Taco Bell restaurant. Fortunately, the burglars left behind the famous rap video made by the Bears players in 1985 entitled, "Super Bowl Shuffle."
Gault expressed relief that the rap video remained safe. "Shiat! That mother f***in video is mother f***in bad and I'm f***in thrilled the mother f***ers who stole my f***in ring had the good f***in sense to leave behind the f***in video."
The Super Bowl shuffle instantly became a top 40 hit when released in 1985. Rock historian Don Kirschner, though dead, commented, "It was the dawn of the hip hop age and all of America anxiously awaited this new music form which teemed with an urban sensibility while at the same time was f***ing impossible for white people to understand. Later, of course, millions of white people acted as if they understood the art form and began wearing baseball hats sideways and pants halfway to their knees. Yes, we have the 1985 Chicago Bears to thank for this still annoying horse shit."
Former Bears dead running back weighed in saying, "We was not being greedy, we was feeding the needy, and we wasn't looking to seedy, and if your got too much grass you gotta smoke the weedy and shiat, I could just go on and f***ing on!"
Oh, how we harken back to a more simpler time when rap was gentle and inter-racial harmony reigned supreme.
VENEZUELAN KIDNAPPERS WANT TRADE, RAMOS FOR WERTH
Caroochie, Venezuela -- A group of nasty kidnappers released Washington Nationals catcher Wilson Ramos moments after realizing he wasn't outfielder Jayson Werth.
Ramos, a low paid, high performing young player was abducted from his home yesterday by a terrorist organization demanding that Washington disband the Nationals. A note left by the terrorists said, "The Nationals really suck, so can we please stop pretending that they'll ever finish better than 31 and 1/2 games out of first?"
However the terrorists soften their position later today when they released another note saying, "We kidnapped this Ramos kid and after sitting with him a few hours, he's really a quite enjoyable young man...however, we're very disappointed in the year had by free agent Jayson Werth. What a f***ing disappointment and by all opinions, he deserves death."
Both the Nationals front office and Nationals fans agreed to give up Werth to the terrorists. General Manager Fred Stein said in a press release, "What the f*** was I thinking? We'd be very grateful to any Venezuelans who could dispose of Jayson Werth in an act of political desperation and...good news. we got some insurance money coming back on a dead Jayson Werth."
Even Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez weighed in saying, "Wow, I've got cancer and I feel like shit but not as shitty as watching 40 million dollar free agents bat .218 in the third spot."
Venezuela has a lot more to offer than good baseball.
SANDUSKY, "I WANT TO COACH AGAIN!"
Happy Meal, PA -- Embattled former Penn State defensive coordinator Jerry Sandusky vowed yesterday that, "I'll coach again."
Sandusky has taken some heat over the last several days after a few accusations surfaced about his proclivity to perform penetrating propulsive penile posterior projections profusely predominantly promoting problematical precarious pow pow on prepubescent boys. "I did all that?" he asked. No, Jerry, we just spent fifteen minutes with an old Roget's Thesaurus.
Regardless, Sandusky claims that he still has something to offer a Division I BCS bowl bound team. There's a ton of things I bring to the table and sometimes I bring them to the men's room too. But I'm an extraordinary tactician. Just look at some of the foreplay I've drawn up!" Several teams have said that Sandusky could be a great candidate but one AD commented, "He just might have some baggage."
All in all, Sandusky remained optimistic. "If you're me, you got keep your head up. You might think that's easy but not for me."
In a related story, Jerry Sandusky was hit over the head 4,726 times with a sledgehammer by Mrs. Jerry Sandusky. "I'm not thinking clearly," was all Jerry could muster.
For the record, this former Penn State linebacker was not preparing to perform oral sex on Jerry Sandusky. Though Jerry's smile indicated that he was fairly convinced he would get the b-job, he was just carried to the locker room, where a much, much younger boy was waiting.
STUDY SHOWS CHEERLEADING TEACHES VALUABLE SOCIAL SKILLS
Jeewilikers, MO -- A study released by the National Association of Orthodontists recommended cheerleading for those patients who may experience a slight overbite and that it helps improve social skills.
Association spokesperson Dr. Horace Feely said that the personally examined hundreds of thousands of cheerleaders and "every f***ing one had a perfect smile. The only conclusion you can have is that cheerleading is great for your f***ing teeth and bad for orthodontists." Feely added, "I got dental school loans up my ass and now this...shit!...the good news is I got access to a war chest of painkillers."
Long time cheerleading advocate Cher said, "I was cheerleader when I met Sonny Bono and look what happened to me. Alright, so I'm a little pissed off about Chaz but you gotta admit he/she can f***ing dance!"
Cheerleaders Minday and Mindey said, "We just love to cheerlead and cavort and canoodle in like a ton of awkward poses and guys seem to really like that so I guess you could also say cheerleading makes you really popular with the opposite sex or with same sex partners who like to cavort and canoodle in like a ton of awkward positions."
Please contact immediately if you can strike this pose. We have a position open for a staff canoodler.
IRANIAN SOCCER PLAYER SAVES TEAMMATE'S LIFE
Tehran, Iran -- A goalie for the Persianpups, an Iranian soccer team, accidentally saved his teammate's life when while groping his ass, discovered several pre-cancerous polyps.
After breaking a four year losing streak, the Persianpups finally defeated the Neutron Accelerators 3-2 on Wednesday. After the game Makmood Moodimak placed his hand into the ass crack of striker Ahmad Reseivit. "I got caught up in the moment a bit," Moodimak explained later, "and I did what a lot of guys would probably do in the same position, I tried to anonymously stick my hand in another guys's ass."
Reseivit said later, "I was so excited for the win, I said to myself, 'who cares if another guy wants to put his hand up my ass?" Luckily for both, something very good came out of something very bad. Moodimak immediately felt some irregularities in Reseivit anal region and told him, "I think you've got something going on down here and I'd see someone immediately."
The next day, a soccer loving proctologist examined Reseivit and discovered that he indeed has polyps. "Look, it's very simple...he doesn't get groped, these things go undetected. Bottom line lesson...real men let other men explore their ass. It's just good health behavior."
Later, Mookimak said, "I'm a lot of things but whoever thought I was a doctor?" He said that in the future, "I'm going to do more of this type of thing because I'm a guy who likes to help people."
We're just not here to bring you good sports coverage...we're here to promote good health habits.
KRIS HUMPHRIES TELLS TALES OF ABUSE
Los Angeles, CA -- Just days after NBA star Kris Humphries was let go by wife Kim Kardashian, he revealed yesterday that his 70 day marriage to the reality show star was a "living hell."
Humphries came forward yesterday and told reporters that he was "subject to the kinds of abuse you could only find in a third world country with one of those deranged dictators." "I was trapped," explained Humphries, "because I was cashing in on a huge f***ing paycheck from 'E' and shit, I was locked out of the NBA so this was all I had."
Kardashian physically, mentally, and emotionally abused Humphries from the beginning of their 100 million dollar wedding to their 500 million dollar separation. "It was never about the money," explained Humphries, "it was about the sex." He went on to say, "Wow, Reggie Bush really deserves like a Master's Degree or something for having the foresight to drop the bitch."
Apparently, aside from denying Humphries conjugal relations, Karsdashian denied him dessert and sent him to his room after supper. "Truthfully, that butt of hers is about as big as most islands in the South Pacific...she is part of a pre-historic land mass and a major c**t to boot."
Kardashian had no comment other than asking, "He really called me a c**t? Wow, that hurts!"
Humphries released this photo from his nightmare..."It was like being in the 1980 Iranian hostage crisis," he said.
MARATHONER BREAKS RECORD ON BUS
Steambath, England -- A marathon runner shattered all world records after completing his 26-mile run on a bus.
Dirk Hogarde, a 57-year-old unemployed teacher, completed the 26-mile course at the Chubby Long Distance Run in less than 40 minutes while stopping several times for shopping. Hogarde got out of the bus about two blocks before the finish and ran the rest of the way, almost three hours sooner than the closest competitor.
"It was a brilliant strategy," said long distance Kenyan runner Kipp Kenyan. He added, "Our entire country contains people with the same last name, Kenyan, so it's really easy to remember everyone's name." Kenyan also said that in the future, "I think I'm going to take the bus because it's a shitload easier than running f***ing 26 miles."
Race organizer Maximillion Schmell agreed that Hogarde could "significantly alter the marathon landscape with his bus strategy." "I think the brilliance lies in the fact that you get on the bus, get off the bus, do some shopping, and then really act like you've ran the whole way," he said. "It could really be effective for races held near Christmas time...win the race and get some stocking stuffers," he thought.
Hogarde faced some criticism that riding a bus instead of running might be construed as some kind of cheating. "Bullshit," he gasped, "why can't people be happy for me instead rearing their sniveling envious vitriol...and I don't even know what sniveling envious vitriol means but it sounds like good place to stop."
Hogarde (r) signals, "Suckers run, smart runners take the bus!"
COLLEGE CO-ED ADMITS, "I'M ADDICTED TO MADDEN GAME!"
Green Bay, WI -- A 21-year-old college co-ed admitted yesterday that she had a serious addiction to playing Madden on her X-Box and that she secretly contacts former Packer Brett Favre daily on line, "just to take a look at his junk."
"I don't know what's gotten into me," said Minnie Limodriver, a senior at Packer Community College. "First it started out as a way for me to get close to Brett Favre after he retired," she explained. "But then he kept unretiring and unretiring and unretiring. Then I met Brett while playing on line, and one thing led to another and before you know it, I was addicted to getting naked and touching Brett's package with my joystick."
Limodriver said that a typical day usually involves waking up, playing Madden, talking with Favre on-line, looking at his junk and then starting the cycle all over again. "Sometimes, I hate myself for what I've become but then I can't stop, I just keep going back for more," she confessed.
Dr. Christian Soldier, an expert on video game addiction said, "A lot of girls who play Madden...eventually meet Brett on-line and he shows them his junk because basically he has a ton of time on his hands. It's innocent enough at first but then things quickly spiral out of control when girls realize hey, he's not a real NFL quarterback anymore but hey he's willing to show me his junk. And a former NFL quarterback's junk is better than no junk at all," Soldier added, "It's all so demeaning but really, isn't that how Brett wants it?"
Ladies, playing Madden on-line with Brett Favre can only lead to this.
BELICHICK PROVES MEDAL AS FILM DIRECTOR
San Fernando Rey, CA -- New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick released his latest adult film this week starring porn star Bibi Jones and one of his players Rob Gronkowski.
Belichick said he started making adult films because, "it's fast, easy money, and I need something to bank on after this football gig is up." The coach added, "The really great thing about directing is that it's just like coaching. Football is all about opening holes and, well, you get the analogy."
Their latest effort, obviously titled, "Tight End," stars Grankowski as himself, was shot last week in a seedy hotel in the San Fernando Valley. The intricate plot involved Grankowski stumbling on a naked porn star in a seedy hotel where there are two cameras rolling and soon the title springs into action. "I never knew I was an actor but there are no ifs just butts and guess what, acting is easy, acting is fun."
Belichick explained that this particular film lacked a great script but "I was able to come in, direct the action to a feverish pitch, just using some Stanislavski improv techniques. It's important the actor knows where the scene has to go and that he realizes that the audience wants and explosive, satisfying climax and Rob was able to bring that to his work."
Gronkowski said he can't wait for his next film entitled, "Hands Under Center," which Belichick promises to "do for film what the spread offense has done for offense."
Yes, we now are die hard Patriot fans.
AL DAVIS MEMORIAL SERVICE EXTREMELY MOVING
Oakland, CA -- A memorial service for the late Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis took place yesterday in the Oakland Coliseum and surprisingly no one was shot or killed.
Several people gathered at the 50-yard-line to tell stories and remember Davis fondly. "He was an okay guy," said former Raiders coach Tom Cable, "even though the son of a bitch fired me and I went home and beat my wife a few times because of him and now everyone calls me a wife-beater, and if the truth be known, he was cranky mother f***er but he's dead, and you shouldn't say anything bad about the dead."
Marcus Allen, who publicly fought with Davis for years, actually began to cry when he said, "I hated this mother f***er more than anyone on the planet and look at these tears, they are tears of f***ing rage and I hope there's a f***ing hell and he's in it and how many times can I put f*** in a sentence?"
Former NFL commissioner Pete Rozelle, who too feuded with Davis about everything including whether or not the world was round or flat, had no comment about Davis because he died back in 1995 or somewhere around then, but if he did attend yesterday's service he most likely would have said, "That mother f***er, I hated that mother f***er more than Jerry Jones' toupee."
Mark Davis, the son of Al Davis, spoke lovingly about his father explaining, "He never hugged me, never told me he loved me, he was basically a shitty father but hey, he left me a franchise worth near a billion dollars... pretty f***ing cool huh?"
Two Oakland girls fought through tears to say, "Hey, we're totally f***ed up! Party Al, like it's 1999, wherever you are!"
TONY SPARANO FIRED FROM JOB AT SHULA'S
Miami, FL -- Almost former Miami Dolphins head coach Tony Sparano had a very bad day yesterday. Moments after his Dolphins went to 0-6 after an overtime loss to the Denver Broncos, Sparano was let go from his night job as a busboy at Shula's Steakhouse.
Sparano, who initially took the busboy job as a subtle way to pick legendary Coach Don Shula's brain, was giving his pink slip by Shula himself. Sadly, Sparano came on his shift around 6pm yesterday and Shula ordered him to clean out the dumpster and then "every f***ing toilet."
The 85-year-old Shula smacked Sparano around for several minutes and then ordered him "out of my life!" Sparano tried to remain upbeat on both counts. "Hey, I get it, the Dolphins suck but hey, I was keeping all the water glasses full!" He added, "I really tried pleasing Coach Shula and sometimes I would stay after the place closed up and tell Garo Yapremian jokes."
"I wish we still had Ricky Williams in Miami, at least I'd score some good weed," said the philosophical coach but Sparano was confident he'd find another job in the restaurant business. He added with a tear in his eye, "The thing I'm gonna miss the most at Shula's is the Griese Chicken."
Boring article on a slow news day...no muse working today...a lot sweat for one bad Griese pun...we're sorry...we'll try harder tomorrow.
TIGER CRASHES DISNEY GOLF TOURNEY; MAYHEM ENSUES
Bona Vista, FL -- Golfer Tiger Woods created a stir when he showed up uninvited at the Children's Miracle Network Golf Classic at the Walt Disney Golf Resort.
Woods, who could not participate in the golf, wasted no time trying to score sex with a variety of Disney characters. Thousands of children were standing in lines, with autograph books, a long standing Disney tradition. However, Woods budged into several lines trying to pick up several women dressed as Disney characters.
Tiger was extremely aggressive when he noticed the scantily clad Ariel, a hot blonde dressed as a mermaid. Woods was heard to say, "Wow, if my ex Elin was a fish, she'd look just like Ariel." Woods knocked over several schoolchildren to get to the front of the line and then asked the character, "I know you have a fin and all but do you think we can do some really nasty fish things?"
Security was called over but things got out of control when a very prickly Snow White hit Woods with a nine-iron. The bloodied Woods told reporters later, "I love an angry woman because that tells me she really cares."
Meanwhile Justin Leonard grabbed a three-shot lead in the tournament and later, Woods was escorted off the premises. But holding up his autograph book, he said cheerily, "I got some good numbers here so I think I'm back in business."
Minnie was seen sexting Woods at a nachos stand in the Park.
BIG EAST WILL USE DEATH PENALTY AS DETERRENT
New York, NY -- The remaining three teams of the disintegrating Big East Conference announced yesterday that they would get tough with anyone else who tries and leaves for another conference.
"We're not monkeying around anymore...if you try and exit we will execute you," promised a Rutgers athletic director. "I think the death penalty works wonders in reducing the homicide rate and we're confident if a school knows we've got lethal injection? they're gonna pony up and stay."
The conference officials had an emergency closed door sessions at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center because, "We're f***in bleeding like a hemophiliac but we're confident schools want to play in our automatic BCS bid conference. Yesterday, football power Walla Wall Junior College accepted a bid to join for all sports by naked bobsleding.
"We don't have naked bobsleding," said AD Harry Flidown, "but you can bet your ass we will by the end of the week." Flidown said he was not concerned about his team, located in Washington stage coming east to play football. "Hey, I'm looking forward to that first defection, and I'm gonna throw the switch on the electric chair faster than you can say Rick Perry," he promised.
Don't dare try and leave South Florida!
MYSTERY SURROUNDS HARBAUGH POST-GAME BEHAVIOR
Detroit, MI -- After yesterday's post-game bruhaha involving the coaches San Francisco 49er's and the Detroit Lions, the NFL office announced, "We're going to get to the bottom of this, AND you can bet your ass someone's going to pay a hefty fine."
Lions' coach Jim Schwartz explained that after his team's loss to San Fran, he walked to shake hand with Harbaugh and claims that Harbaugh called a "schwantz' rather than a "schwartz." Schwartz distinctly remembers hearing, "Hey, you big Schwantz!" coming out of Harbaugh's mouth. Harbaugh claims Schwartz called him "Hardballs" which according to where you come from could be a compliment or an insult.
Name calling expert Joe Poopyface explained, "Name calling is bad and can be very hurtful and a Schwartz can technically be a Schwantz but a Schwantz can't be a Schwartz. Likewise, a Poots could be Putz but a Putz is putz so you just have to really be careful. My recommendation, you can't go wrong with schmuck or just a plain dickhead."
Harbaugh said at a press conference this morning, "I had previously considered asswipe, dickwad, and cumstain but I was trying my best to be a gentleman, and went with Schwantz." Former Packers quarterback Brett Favre weighed in saying, "My Schwartz or my Schwantz, makes no difference, both photograph very well."
Please can't we all just get along? Name calling can hurt long after you get kicked in the Harbaughs.
LEGEND JERRY WEST BATTLES LOW SELF-ESTEEM
Los Angeles, CA -- Hall of Fame guard Jerry West went public yesterday and admitted to battling depression and low self-esteem ever since he was growing up in West Virginia.
West, one of the best guards in NBA history, explained that when he was young he could never please his demanding father. Mr. West, Sr., by all accounts, was a total douche bag. West said, "Yep, he was total douche bag!" No matter what successes Jerry achieved on the basketball court, All-American at West Virginia or NBA All-Star, his father was never happy. "My father was never happy," added West.
Yesterday, West took a big chance admitting publicly that he battled depression. "I'm taking a big chance admitting publicly that I battled depression," he continued. People who battle depression, usually battle low self-esteem. "I battle low self-esteem," he echoed.
After the press conference, West fielded questions from the audience about his feelings. One reporter asked how he felt when being the GM for the Lakers great teams in the 1970's and 80's. "Magic Johnson, douche bag...Kareem Abdul Jabber, tell me one good thing he ever did... James Worthy? I used to call him Unworthy...Pat Riley, oh that f***ing hair, another douche bag...but all in all they were some good years."
West, a consultant to the Golden State Warriors, added, "If I had any self-esteem at all, I'd be a consultant to the Clippers."
Hey Jerry, how about Kobe? "Wow, major, major douche bag!"
ANDY REID ON THIN ICE; FISH REPORTED TO BE VERY WORRIED
Philadelphia, PA -- Philadelphia Eagles head coach Andy Reid, according to every available source known to the entire western world, is skating on thin ice.
Several people close to the situation have wondered out loud, "Why is Andy Reid skating on thin ice at all?" No seems to know why in the middle of the football season Reid would be skating at all, never mind on thin ice. Long time skating analyst and Olympic gold medalist, Dick Button said, "If there's anyone who shouldn't skate on thin ice, it's Andy Reid...he's a rather rotund fellow and in my expert opinion he should stick it out with the Eagles."
Owner Jeffy Luow asked, "What do f***ing mean he's skating on thin ice? Why not roller skates or roller blades or just a skateboard?" Luow asked for clarification on the difference between roller skating and rollerblading. "They seem identical to me but I have to say I dig women rollerblading in a bikini."
U.S. Wildlife and Fisheries deputy deputy commissioner issued a national warning to anyone concern with our national streams and waterways. "IF Andy Reid skates on thin ice and chances are, he breaks through, thousands upon thousands of species could be injured, damaged, or just eaten by him...it's a dire situation."
Reid had no comment other than "I hate the f***ing press, you fickle f***s!"
Speaking of thin ice, we can't get enough of that f***ing Ice Truckers show.
And speaking of rollerblading in a bikini, can we get enough of this?
PHILLY MASCOTS DIE IN SUICIDE PACT
Philadelphia, PA -- Two mascots from two professional teams in the same town, entered into a suicide pact and yesterday both died from overdosing on a combination of Philly steaks and cheez whiz.
Both the Phillie Phanatic and Iggy the Eagle were reported to be despondent after both their teams, the Phillies and the Eagles, entered into a extended period of sucking. The Phillies made an early exit from the NLCS by losing the Cardinals, while the Eagles just keep finding a way to lose each week.
Sources say the Phanatic reached out the Eagle after the Eagles lost to Buffalo and suggested, "Let's just end this whole miserable f***ing experience we call life." Allegedly the Eagle had been on a prescription medication for depression moments after Vince Young announced that the Eagles were the new "Dream Team."
One Eagle executive said, "I tried to tell Iggy it wasn't his fault and that instead of being angry with himself, he should shoot Vince Young." But desperate souls often find each other and the mascots began stuffing cheesesteaks topped with Philly Scrapple* early on Monday and continued into the early morning on Tuesday.
Emergency room physicians said that the two men arrived bloated without blood circulation due to heavy cheez whiz buildup in their systems. Dr. Sid Viciouslee explained, "Cheez wiz makes a wonderful condiment and accents many dishes quite well but these two were mainlining cans of the shit right into their arteries and that my friend, can only spell death by Kraft."
Both men will be laid to rest at Valley Forge Cemetery with full mascot honors. Mascots from around the world announced there would be a worldwide playing of "Taps" with over two hundred thousand gazoos, set for tomorrow at noon.
Really this is gourmet shit in Philadelphia!
*Scrapple is this disgusting mix of pig intestines and a magic blend of herbs and spices. Philly fans also believe eating the shit from inside a pig is fine dining.
AL DAVIS ANNOUNCES "I'M MOVING HELL TO LA!"
Hereafter, ET -- Deceased Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis passed to the other side over this past weekend but that didn't stop him from creating a bit of controversy.
Davis was dead for less than 48 hours before he announced that he would "move hell to Los Angeles." Through associates Davis released a statement, "LA is a great spot for hell and it's a natural fit and I'll be damned, and I mean that, if anyone can stop me."
Former NFL commissioner and fellow dead person Pete Rozelle, immediately took steps to block the move. Rozelle said, "It's not in anyone's best interest in particular, hell's best interest to move hell. Everyone is perfectly unhappy in hell where it is and moving it to LA will only make the place more f***ing crowded and shit, we'll be in traffic all f***ing day!"
LA residents applauded the move and many are hoping that a deal can be struck between all interested parties. "It's a perfect fit," said actor Robert Blake. "We've got Kobe, Ron Artest, Phil Spector, and the guy who beat up the Giants' fan...shit, it'll be great to finally have 'hell in a handbasket' instead of going there."
Maybe O.J. can move back to Brentwood.
