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New York, NY -- New York Yankees' General Manager Brian Cashman has been forced into a corner by CEO Hank Steinbrenner, "to get this team turned around by using force." Steinbrenner said on Thursday that, "I don't care what it takes, we'd better win or else people will loose their lives."

Cashman responded, "I guess I'm like that guy Torquemada in the Inquisition. The Pope gave the orders and he carried them out." Cashman said he would study up on the Inquisition and begin to use torture as a motivating technique. "If it's good enough for the Spainards, it's good enough for me."

Cashman reasoned, "We've got a lot of Hispanic players on the team so I believe they'll understand Torquemada and the Inquisition." Cashman immediately placed a tub of boiling oil in the locker room and instructed manager Joe Girardi to place any player not playing up to potential in the tub of boiling oil. Several Yankees who went 0-4 in last night's game were placed in oil in tempertures exceeding 350 degrees. Girardi explained that, "Yes, there was lots of screaming and yes, there skin is burned very severely but they're gonna think twice when they're up to bat next time."

Steinbrenner was very pleased with Cashman's response to his directive of using force to deal with overpaid, underperforming athletes. "I think we're in new territory here and it's a very postive development for the fans. They're going to see players giving just a tad more effort out there on the field."

Girardi said that he was a bit concerned that several Japanese players didn't quit grasp the Torquemada concept. Steinbrenner immediately responded to the concern by interning several Japanese Yankees in a forced labor camp. George Steinbrenner Sr. commented, "I've never been more proud of my Hank than at this exact moment in Yankees history."

You can bet your ass the Spainards performed a whole lot better after the Inquistion.

Moscow, Russia -- Washington Capitols sensation Alex Ovechkin seems to have it all. Money, good looks, a great athletic career, and now, a really hot girlfriend.

"Yep, this definitely completes the puzzle," quipped Ovechkin while posing with his new girlfriend, Svetlana Damachovnamabovkin. Alex and Svetlana dated throughout high school but were seperated when Alex had the opportunity to come the United States to play hockey. "I always kept her picture in my wallet," said Ovechkin, "but now I can hug her anytime I want."

Svetlana, who spent several years in a Gulag in the old Soviet Union, is now dancing professionally. "Now that I'm with Alex, there's a really good chance that I won't have to take off my clothes when I dance." Alex agreed, "She's never taking off her clothes again, thank God!"

Ovechkin admitted, "There's a damn good reason vodka is the national drink of Russia." "And," he added as he chugged straight from the bottle, "I'm a damn lucky Russian to have a chick like Svetlana."

One myth claims that Russian women age pre-maturely but Svetlana proves that's just a myth.

New York, NY -- New York Yankees President Hank Steinbrenner announced yesterday, "In case you haven't noticed I'm a bigger dick than my father."

In that spirit, Steinbrenner said that his Yankees are making too much money and they're going to have to work harder. "They're (the players) are getting paid too much f***ing money," said Steinbrenner, "and they're going to have to start doing more than play baseball."

The Yankees' CEO announced a new work order which will assign players additional duties to their normal baseball responsibilities. Steinbrenner posted a new job order list where players will have to stay after games and "pitch in to clean up the stadium." "There's a boatload of body hairs all over the locker room and I want them picked up," screamed Steinbrenner. In addition Steinbrenner wants all of the Yankees to pitch in and clean up all of the spent peanut shells in the stadium.

Shortstop Derek Jeter commented, "You know peanuts are a lot of work to eat. First you've got to break open the shell and sometimes there's just one little crappy peanut to eat after doing all that work." Catcher Jorge Posada said, "Yeah, but did you ever try and crack open a Brazil nut...talk about work." All the talk about nuts made Steinbrenner realized there is entirely too many people eating sunflower seeds and spitting out the shells.

And all the talk about food waste got Steinbrenner thinking, "You know what if we took all the popcorn on the ground and converted it to ethanol, we could probably make a decent profit and help out with the gas crisis." President Bush commented, "That's a hellava idea and personally, I really like that Orville Reddenhooker stuff."

President Bush announced that turning spilled stadium popcorn into ethanol will be the cornerstone of his new energy initiative.

Evansville, IN -- Larry Bird filed a lawsuit against a couple who bought his former home in French Lick, Indiana, and are improperly using his name to promote a bed and breakfast.

The lawsuit filed in U.S. District Court claims and the couple Bob and Mary, do not have permission to use the former NBA star's name for profit. The lawsuit contends that Bob and Mary are inviting people into the house and saying things like, "Hey, right over here is where Larry Bird used to eat his Rice Krispies and right over here is where Larry Bird used to take a leak."

Bob and Mary claim in a countersuit that "Bird is just being a dickhead." Their attorney , Ted, filed papers with the court yesterday. The countersuit says, "Come on, are you kidding me? what do you mean we can't say it's Larry Bird's old house, like what, do you actually think we bought this house and are not going to tell people Larry Bird lived in the house? like you guys are out of your f***ing minds."

Judge Harry Dichter said, "I've never in all my life seen such a poorly written legal brief as the one filed on behalf of Bob and Mary."

Ted the lawyer added in his argument things like, "Like if you bought Larry Bird's old house, and if someone came over for a beer, you wouldn't say something like, 'Hey, guess who used to live here? Larry Bird.' And if people said something like, 'oh, really? Larry Bird actually lived here?' so what's the big deal with charging a few buck to take a dump on toilet that Larry Bird crapped on?"

Judge Dichter asked the question, "Did Larry Bird really come from a town called French Lick?" "Wow," added the judge, "I think I saw a movie by the same name."

Beijing, China -- The Chinese government announced yesterday that they might consider inviting the controversial leader of Tibet to the Summer Olympic games.

Premier Fold Mi Tao said, "Yeah, we'll look like a bunch of douche bags if we don't invite him so what the hell, send him an invitation." Tao said that last year the government invited the Dalai Lama to a Chinese New Year Party and, "he got wrecked and ended up diving into a bowl of duck sauce." Tao is also concerned that he'll bring "a bunch of those crazy Tibetans with him."

The Dalai Lama said, "I might go, I might not, it all depends if they give me one of those superboxes." "If I don't get a superbox with my own bar, then forget it," said the spiritual leader. Tao reacted angrily to the superbox request saying, "Now I've got to worry about a caterer? Christ, politics is hard work." The Lama added, "Hey, I've got an idea, maybe I'll start the games off with an opening prayer."

The Vatican responded immediately to the news that the exiled leader will kick off the games with a prayer. Pope Benedict said, "Did you ever catch one of those Buddhist prayers? Jees, they can chant for like two days." The Pontiff suggested, "Look why don't Il open up with a Hail Mary and I'm out there in less than a minute."

Here's a shot of the spread they had to put out for the Dalai Lama at a recent Giants game. One stadium official said, "For a little guy he can put the food away."

Los Angeles, CA -- A memorabilia dealer and former friend of O.J. Simpson became the 2 billionth person to reveal that O.J. Simpson killed his ex-wife.

Mike Gilbert, decided to give up a life of selling old baseball cards in malls on weekends in order to pen a new book, "How I Helped O.J. Get Away With Murder: The Shocking Inside Story of Violence, Loyalty, Regret, and Remorse and Did I Mention, This Is A Long F***ing Title." The book was released to the Associated Press yesterday and Gilbert says in the book, "I know many won't believe this, but the surprise is, that O.J. Simpson killed his wife with a knife."

Millions were shocked at the news and LAPD detectives released a statement saying, "Wow, what a f***ing shocker! We knew eventually someone like Mike Gilbert would help us solve this crime. We're just sorry it took so long for everyone to figure out it was O.J."

Gilbert's book tells how O.J., high on marijuana, pills, and alcohol, confessed to him that he did kill his wife and then asked him, "to pinky swear that he wouldn't tell anyone." Gilbert said that, "I did pinky swear but I had my fingers on my other hand crossed behind my back." He adds, "I remember thinking at that moment, 'this could be a book.'"

Lawyers for O.J. met later yesterday at a prayer service where they knelt down and thanked God for O.J. Seven hundred lawyers prayed simultaneously to God, praising him for "sending a client who never goes away."

Most sports memorabilia dealers agreed that they would rather pen a book about O.J. than carry all this useless, overpriced memorabilia shit around with them.

Los Angeles, CA -- NBA MVP Kobe Bryant told fans yesterday that basketball and the playoffs in general, "bores the shit out of me."

Bryant announced that he was turning to juggling and magic for "something to keep me interested." NBA officials reacted to the news with glee. "We really need something to promote fan interests," said David Stern. "Our surveys indicate that fans would rather see people clean up elephant shit than watch a routine NBA game." explained Stern. "I love the idea of combining circus performing with basketball because after the Tim Donaghy scandal died down, we weren't left with much," added the very short Stern.

The Lakers embraced the idea of promoting Bryant's new found passion. Lakers owner Jerry Buss said, "Come to think of it, NBA bores the shit out me too so let's get some lion tamers and maybe a trapeze and have a circus." Buss added, "Phil Jackson looks like one of those freaky guy on stilts so we won't have to hire one of those tall dudes."

Bryant has been working on a seal act where he keeps a ball in the air with his head, flaps his hands and feet, while simultaneously trying to have sex with young female fans in the audience. "Chicks dig seals," said Bryant, "and I could do some pretty neat things with a trapeze, if you catch my drift."

Foxboro, MA -- The controversial tapes taken by the NFL offices from the New England Patriots were put on display today for all America to watch.

The tapes turned over by former Patriot employee Matt Walsh showed that the New England coaching staff had some very odd television viewing habits. Several tapes had old episodes of sitcoms, "Saved By The Bell" and "Full House", as well as several Paris Hilton sexual encounters AND the entire Tommy Lee/Pamela Anderson porn episode.

Walsh told reporters, "Come on, what do think we mean by watching tape?" He further asked, "Do you expect us to watch like re-runs of football plays or something?" Walsh said that the Patriot staff usually would meet on Thursday evenings for cards and beer and "when the card game got stale, we'd watch some porn."

Surprisingly Walsh revealed that Patriot coach Bill Belichick especially "liked the Olsen twins before their teen years." Walsh remembers Belichick saying, "IF they're giving off signals, I want to know about it." Both Olsen sisters revealed in a Barbara Walters interview that in the early 90's, they had an intimate relationship with former Massachusetts Senator Edmund Brooke. "But," they added, "We really dig that cut-off grey sweatshirt that Bells wears."

There are tons of signals being given off here by the cast of "Saved By The Bell", helping the Patriots to several Super Bowl appearances.

Dallas, TX -- Dallas Cowboy receiver Terrell Owens woke up this morning in a cold sweat from a dream he was having where he caught five touchdowns in the Super Bowl for the Philadelphia Eagles.

"Initially," said Owens, "I was proud of myself because I'm the greatest football player alive, but, then I realized that Donovan McNabb was the quarterback and I realized something is wrong." Owens woke up, immediately called his agent, Drew Rosenhaus, and the two men held a press conference.

Rosenhaus protected Owens from fielding questions about the dream. "All I can tell you at this time is that T.O. had a bad dream," explained Rosenhaus. "We believe that the Philadelphia Eagles intentionally entered Terrell's dream state and tried to exploit him in the dream to win a fictitious Super Bowl." While Owens did situps next to Rosenhaus, his agent claimed, "T.O. has no comment about his dream of being an Eagle, and that's all I want to say at this time." The super agent did say that he would request the NFL office to review the dream and penalize the Philadelphia Eagles for invading Owens' dream life. "It's blatent disrespect for Terrell by the Eagles trying to work their way into his dreams," said Rosenhaus.

"Freud suggested the bad dreams let the brain gain control over emotions from distressing experiences," tutored Rosenhaus. He warned, "It's unacceptable that the Eagles be allowed to randomly enter a player's dream state and we're prepared to have T.O. stop dreaming in the upcoming season."

Eagles coach Andy Reid denied entering Owens dream. "Certainly it's something we've talked about doing and I'm not saying I haven't entered other people's dreams but truthfully, if someone is dreaming about a 350 lb. man, he's got some serious issues."

Chicago, IL -- The Chicago White Sox, feeling that they needed something to turn their slumping fortunes around, placed inflatable dolls around the locker room, setting off a controversy amongst women's groups.

White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen said that having his players interact with inflatable women, "keeps the locker room loose." "A woman who is there for you when you're going through tough times but doesn't talk is a real gift," explained Guillen. "The bottom line is that you can custom make your inflatable woman and then leave her whenever you feel like it with no consequences," he added.

Several players said that their lives have turned around since the introduction to the dolls. One pitcher said about his doll, "I used to have one of those inflatable ducks that you could put around your waist in the swimming pool." "But," he added, "it's a lot more fun to put a inflatable woman around your waist if you know what I mean." "And," he continued, "there's no 'I've got a headache' bullshit, which just make for great convenience."

Advocates for the inflatable dolls say that this attitude is just demeaning to women. Psychologist Helen Gurley Burley said, "Women can't compete with inflatable dolls. We have so many different expectations to meet as women, that to want us to inflate and deflate is too much to ask."

George Humpster, President of the National Association of Men for Inflatable Women said, "You know, if you going boating or something, you should consider taking an inflatable woman. She could save your life."

New York, NY -- The wife of Yankees superstar third baseman Alex Rodriguez said in an interview yesterday on a show called, "Yesterdays", that "Alex is a pussy."

Cynthia Rodriguez explained that during the birth of his first daughter, A-Rod passed out. "I'm there moaning and groaning, pushing and contracting, and this big, wimp is on the floor stone cold." "I swear to God," added Mrs. Rodriguez, "if he didn't make about 50 mil a year, I'd leave his ass."

The slugger's wife did admit, "Ladies, you can put up with a pussy if he makes a lot of money." "Remember," she emphasized, "money plus pussy... okay... pussy no money, garbage dump."

Dr. Phillip McGraw, noted bald babbler of really obvious psychological bull shit, commented, "I think Cynthia makes a valid point. A pussy like A-Rod can get away with just about anything if you have a 100 plus million contract." Dr. Phil added, "There's nothing worse than a whining pussy with no money." McGraw explained that he will see a client who is an obvious whining pussy but not before getting payment in full for services.

Ten out of ten psychologists surveyed for this article agreed that listening to a whining pussy is pure torture but listening to a whining pussy at $150 per hour is "just good business."

Historians agree that infamous Soviet dictator Josef Stalin, "was a big, whining pussy but was able to kill anyone he felt like."

San Paulo, Brazil -- Brazilian soccer star Ronaldo came out of hiding yesterday to admit, "Yes, I paid for sex with cross-dressing prostitutes."

Calling it the biggest mistake of his life, Ronaldo's mother compared it to the time he accidentally put laundry soap on his cereal mistaking it for table sugar. "I've been on him for years to get his eyes checked," screamed Mrs. Ronaldo. Ronaldo admitted, "I don't see too good but I think I look funny in glasses."

Ronaldo said he wasn't aware the prostitutes were cross-dressers until he got to the motel with them and discovered they were men. "Gee, I had already paid them for sex and then, as you can I imagine, I was in a real pickle." He continued, "Do you get what you've already paid for or claim it on your income tax form as a business loss?"

Accountant Len Swerling said, "It's a really tough accounting call but I think you've got to go ahead and have the sex you've paid for but then again, you've got to hope the cross-dressing men can keep a secret." Swerling added, "IRS auditors really scrutinize the business loss deduction due to not getting sex that you paid for."

Ronaldo explained, "It's just time that I break down, have the eye exam and wear spectacles rather than be the spectacle." He admitted, "This is like the twentieth time this kind of thing has happened and if that's not an optometry wake-up call, I don't know what is."

Ronaldo further admitted that, "The stress from this eye thing has forced me to let myself go."

Austin, TX -- Chicago Bears running back Cedric Benson was charged with failing a sobriety test while operating a 30-foot boat, then resisting arrest before being hit with pepper spray by police officers.

The former Texas Longhorn spoke to the Chicago Sun-Times and said that he was not drunk and he did not resist the arrest. Benson was carrying 15 passengers on his boat at the time of his arrest. "Sure we were drinking, sure we were naked, sure there was lots of sex, but we're not the Minnesota Vikings," said Benson. Benson was particularly upset that he was pepper-sprayed. "All I can say is...sheeeeet that sheeeet burns," said Benson.

Police in Texas, long known for their gentle handling of criminal behavior, use pepper spray in most Southwestern recipes. Police chief Lyndon Baines said, "Pepper spray just adds the right amount of spice to any dish." Baines added, "I'm sure my men were just adding some flavor to a dish when they accidentally got some spray on Cedric." Baines offered reporters some very tasty wings with pepper spray and everyone agreed that pepper spray in an underutilized ingredient in most kitchens.

Food expert Lindy Lovelace said, "Most people think pepper spray just makes you choke, but it adds zest to even the blandest meals and it keeps criminals out of your kitchen." Lovelace, the daughter of former film star Linda Lovelace added, "And I know a thing or two about choking."

Later, Benson and police sat down to a big, plate of ribs with pepper spray and all was forgiven and everyone lived happily ever after.

Here a police officer adds just the right amount of pepper spray seasoning to a zealous fan.

Norfolk, VA -- Former Olympic sprinter Tim Montgomery was arrested and faces a detenition hearing charges of distributing heroin.

Montgomery, 33, was arrested on Wednesday in Norfolk, Virginia on an indictment from the U.S. Attorney's Office charging him with conspiracy to possess with intent to distribute. Montgomery denied that he intended to distribute because, "I just like to keep it all to myself." The runner told the judge that he was very involved in helping drug addicts kick the drug habit.

"Did you ever see that commercial with the eggs and the announcer says, 'here is your brain and here is your brain on drugs'?" Montgomery says he takes the same strategy when he talks with addicts. "Usually I drop my pants and show them my tiny asshole," explained Montgomery. "I tell them here's your ass, and then I put a large cucumber up my ass and I say 'here's my ass in prison' and somehow the addicts get the message."

Montgomery admitted that most drug addicts are too stoned to care about an anti-drug message but "I sell a lot of cucumbers."

New York, NY -- Television celebrity Barbara Walters admitted yesterday to Oprah Winfrey that she had a torrid affair with baseball legend Babe Ruth sometime in the 30's.

Walters, who has had affairs with hundreds of men, lists her age as 78 but dental records reveal she was born somewhere around 1903, making her 105. People close to the reporter say that Walters has the best make-up and hair stylist in the entertainment business. Winfrey complimented Walters saying, "Seriously you don't look a day over 99."

Yesterday, Walters was revealing several of the men she has had sex with when she slipped in the comment about Ruth, which gave her age away. Walters tried recovering from the gaffe by saying she met Ruth when she interviewed him as one of her "Most Fascinating People of 1952." But quickly Winfrey responded by saying Ruth was dead by then and that "makes you over 100 years old and a goddamn liar."

Walters quickly recovered and switched the subject to her affairs with Yankees manager Casey Stengel, Giants quarterback Y. A. Title, and former Massachusetts senator Edward Brooke. "For some reasons I'm drawn sexually to athletes," said Walters, "and several times I've tried unsuccessfully to get into Michael Jordan's pants." Jordan commented, "Man, she's got a great makeup person, and I'd have sex with her except I couldn't stand listening to that voice of hers."

Former Walters' co-host Rosie O'Donnell said, "I never had sex with Babe Ruth but back in the day, if I was living then, I would have like to bag Babe Didrickson."

Hoochikee, FL -- Golfer John Daly raised the stakes in his on-going feud with former golf coach Butch Harmon.

Daly claimed earlier in the week that Butch Harmon apologized for dropping him because of his excessive drinking. Harmon, the famous swing coach, denied apologizing to Daly, saying, "The most disgusting site in the world is John Daly naked and I'll never apologized to an ugly naked guy."

The comment hurt Daly deeply and forced him to down fourteen bottles of Jack Daniels. The two crossed paths at a Florida clubhouse where Daly attacked Harmon with a handful of swizzle sticks and plastic tooth picks. Harmon sustained superficial injuries and was treated by the bartender and then served dinner.

Witnesses say that Harmon was able to fend off the swizzle sticks but took a few jabs with the toothpicks. Later Daly confessed, "Seriously I thought he was a big, overgrown olive. I was just trying to get him in my martini." Harmon said that he was fine and had to get back to coaching Phil Mickelson for his annual choke in the U.S. Open.

For some reason, this shot of John Daly without a shirt doesn't bother us at all.

Rondersville, PA -- A skilled hunting dog was suspended and dismissed from the Rondersville Hunting Club for behavior unbecoming of a member.

George, a 4-year old mongrel, had been a staple of the club helping hunters fetch and sniff out duck, pheasants, and possums. Sadly, George was caught in a compromising cross-species sexual position with a reluctant Canadian geese.

Hunting club President Ralph Freise explained, "If the word gets around that our dogs can't control themselves then prey are just going to fly over Rondersville and ignore us altogether." Freise said that George had been warned several times earlier to refrain from "this type of inappropriate behavior." But Freise added, "Dogs will be dogs and a few days in the cooler will send a message to him and the other hunting dogs."

Animal rights activists say they believe that George is being treated unfairly. Hannah Jack, a local spokesperson, said, "Sure if a farmer wants to bang a sheep, that's normal country boy behavior but God forbid, a dog goes after a duck!"

AVERY JOHNSON REFUSES TO LEAVE

Dallas, TX -- Former Dallas Mavericks coach Avery Johnson refused to leave his position as head coach of the team.

Johnson learned after the Mavericks early exit from the playoffs that his services would no longer be required. But Johnson did not take kindly to the news. "I did lose the f***ing game, they did," said Johnson pointing to his players. He screamed, "I'm just a coach, I say things like, 'come on guys, let's score some points' or come on guys let's play some defense.'" Johnson insisted that if the players don't score points or play defense then he is not responsible.

Dirk Nowitzki responded in German but no one close could speak German so he may very well have said something like, "I like Beck's beer better than St. Pauli Girl." Power forward Josh Howard smoked a joint and seem disconnected to the whole event as he munched on brownies and french fries.

Mavericks owner Mark Cuban insisted, "Larry Brown is going to turn this franchise around starting right now."

Johnson screamed to Nowitzki, "No, you leave!"

LARRY BROWN RESIGNS AGAIN AND AGAIN

Charlotte, NC -- Charlotte Bobcats head coach Larry Brown resigned yesterday just two hours after being hired by the franchise.

Brown, long known for his restlessness, stated, "I think it's time to move on and maybe coach somewhere else." Team officials were not surprised by expressed gratitude for all that Brown had done for the franchise. Team president, Michael Jordan said, "We needed someone to come in here and shake things up and that's what Larry did." Jordan added, "He's a legend and we were lucky to have him as our head coach."

Several players were saddened by Brown's departure. "He made us more as basketball players and as men," said forward Emeka Okafur, "and I learned everything I know about basketball in just the short time I spent with Larry Brown." Guard Raymond Felton expressed feelings by saying, "He got everyone to think TEAM first and we really gelled as a cohesive basketball team."

With tears in his eyes, Brown whimpered, "You have to be careful not to stay in one place too long because you get stale." "But," he continued, "I'll always treasure my time with the Bobcats and I thank the organization for the couple of hours we had together."

Later yesterday, Brown coached the Miami Heat, the Chicago Bulls, and Memphis Grizzlies.

Larry Brown, seen here, driving to Minneapolis to coach the Timberwolves.

SAY IT AIN'T SO, ROGER!

New York, NY -- Saying that all is fair in love and war, attorneys for trainer Brian McNamee dropped a bombshell yesterday by announcing that Roger Clemens had a decade long affair with country singer Mindy McCready.

The judge in the case immediately reacted with questions, "Mindy McCready? Who the hell is she? Did I ever hear of her? Do I have any of her records? Can you name me one hit she had?" Clemens was dumbfounded by the questions and said, "I don't think she ever made a record but boy-o-boy can she sing in the shower."

Clemens attorney Rusty Hardin said, "Seriously, I'm a big shot lawyer earning millions of bucks off this steroid thing and really my name is Rusty." Clemens asked, "What's with the Rusty thing? My dog's name is Rusty." Hardin said the whole affair allegation is a huge fabrication on part of McNamee's team but did admit that Clemens had an affair with Tracey McGrady. "Wow, you ought to hear him sing country music," said Hardin about the All-Star Houston Rockets forward. "You'd think he'd be a rapper," explained Hardin, "but he can really belt out those Mindy McCready hits."

McGrady said that he had no recollection of having sex with Clemens but he did say he fantasized about singing a country duet with McCready because, "our names sound alike and 'McCready and McGrady' just would look cool on a marquee in Vegas."

Roger Clemens posing with Tracy McGrady during better times.

DOG SHOW MARRED BY MASS SUICIDE

New York, NY -- Hundreds of spectators and dog owners were shocked yesterday at a New York Kennel Club dog show when a group of dogs carried out their suicide pact.

Investigators are trying to piece together the evidence but they admit that they are somewhat stymied because, "no one spoke to the dogs before they killed themselves." From what few facts that exist, it seems that the dogs were influenced by a angry retriever named Jonesey, who for months has been urging dogs to boycott dog shows.

Witnesses say that Jonesey was highly uncooperative at earlier shows and "he refused to prance and trot on command." Several sources close to the case revealed that several dogs had been seen "sniffing and mulling around each other genitalia." Canine experts can't be sure what dogs are communicating while sniffing each other but it is apparent in this case that dogs were saying things like, "Being a dog sucks, let's kill ourselves," and "There's a better world waiting for us on the other side."

What is known is that the dogs sat in a poisonous substance and then licked themselves to death. Dog suicide pacts are rare but not unprecedented. In 1972, seventeen basset hounds tied their ears together and jumped off the Verazano Bridge. Dr. Al Posada, a vet specializing in dog psychiatry, explained, "There is a dark, underbelly to the dog show world." He added, "Sometimes dealing with life becomes too painful and dogs have no choice but to end it all." "Leave us not judge these animals," he cautioned, "but lets try and prevent an ugly tragedy like this from happening again."

Sadly, no suicide note was left by any of the animals because dogs can't read or write.