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CASHMAN FORCED TO USE FORCE
New York, NY -- New York Yankees' General
Manager Brian Cashman has been forced into a corner by CEO Hank
Steinbrenner, "to get this team turned around by using force." Steinbrenner
said on Thursday that, "I don't care what it takes, we'd better win or else
people will loose their lives."
Cashman responded, "I guess I'm like that guy
Torquemada in the Inquisition. The Pope gave the orders and he carried them
out." Cashman said he would study up on the Inquisition and begin to use
torture as a motivating technique. "If it's good enough for the Spainards,
it's good enough for me."
Cashman reasoned, "We've got a lot of Hispanic
players on the team so I believe they'll understand Torquemada and the
Inquisition." Cashman immediately placed a tub of boiling oil in the locker
room and instructed manager Joe Girardi to place any player not playing up
to potential in the tub of boiling oil. Several Yankees who went 0-4 in last
night's game were placed in oil in tempertures exceeding 350 degrees.
Girardi explained that, "Yes, there was lots of screaming and yes, there
skin is burned very severely but they're gonna think twice when they're up
to bat next time."
Steinbrenner was very pleased with Cashman's
response to his directive of using force to deal with overpaid,
underperforming athletes. "I think we're in new territory here and it's a
very postive development for the fans. They're going to see players giving
just a tad more effort out there on the field."
Girardi said that he was a bit concerned that
several Japanese players didn't quit grasp the Torquemada concept.
Steinbrenner immediately responded to the concern by interning several
Japanese Yankees in a forced labor camp. George Steinbrenner Sr. commented,
"I've never been more proud of my Hank than at this exact moment in Yankees
history."

You can bet your ass the Spainards performed a
whole lot better after the Inquistion.
HOCKEY STAR DATING HIS HIGH SCHOOL
SWEETHEART
Moscow, Russia -- Washington Capitols
sensation Alex Ovechkin seems to have it all. Money, good looks, a great
athletic career, and now, a really hot girlfriend.
"Yep, this definitely completes the puzzle,"
quipped Ovechkin while posing with his new girlfriend, Svetlana
Damachovnamabovkin. Alex and Svetlana dated throughout high school but were
seperated when Alex had the opportunity to come the United States to play
hockey. "I always kept her picture in my wallet," said Ovechkin, "but now I
can hug her anytime I want."
Svetlana, who spent several years in a Gulag
in the old Soviet Union, is now dancing professionally. "Now that I'm with
Alex, there's a really good chance that I won't have to take off my clothes
when I dance." Alex agreed, "She's never taking off her clothes again, thank
God!"
Ovechkin admitted, "There's a damn good reason
vodka is the national drink of Russia." "And," he added as he chugged
straight from the bottle, "I'm a damn lucky Russian to have a chick like
Svetlana."

One myth claims that Russian women age
pre-maturely but Svetlana proves that's just a myth.
HANK STEINBRENNER LAYS DOWN NEW RULES
New York, NY -- New York Yankees President
Hank Steinbrenner announced yesterday, "In case you haven't noticed I'm a
bigger dick than my father."
In that spirit, Steinbrenner said that his
Yankees are making too much money and they're going to have to work harder.
"They're (the players) are getting paid too much f***ing money," said
Steinbrenner, "and they're going to have to start doing more than play
baseball."
The Yankees' CEO announced a new work order
which will assign players additional duties to their normal baseball
responsibilities. Steinbrenner posted a new job order list where players
will have to stay after games and "pitch in to clean up the stadium."
"There's a boatload of body hairs all over the locker room and I want them
picked up," screamed Steinbrenner. In addition Steinbrenner wants all of the
Yankees to pitch in and clean up all of the spent peanut shells in the
stadium.
Shortstop Derek Jeter commented, "You know
peanuts are a lot of work to eat. First you've got to break open the shell
and sometimes there's just one little crappy peanut to eat after doing all
that work." Catcher Jorge Posada said, "Yeah, but did you ever try and crack
open a Brazil nut...talk about work." All the talk about nuts made
Steinbrenner realized there is entirely too many people eating sunflower
seeds and spitting out the shells.
And all the talk about food waste got Steinbrenner
thinking, "You know what if we took all the popcorn on the ground and
converted it to ethanol, we could probably make a decent profit and help out
with the gas crisis." President Bush commented, "That's a hellava idea
and personally, I really like that Orville Reddenhooker stuff."

President Bush announced that turning spilled
stadium popcorn into ethanol will be the cornerstone of his new energy
initiative.
LARRY BIRD SUES COUPLE WHO BOUGHT HIS HOUSE
Evansville, IN -- Larry Bird filed a lawsuit
against a couple who bought his former home in French Lick, Indiana,
and are improperly using his name to promote a bed and breakfast.
The lawsuit filed in U.S. District Court
claims and the couple Bob and Mary, do not have permission to use the former
NBA star's name for profit. The lawsuit contends that Bob and Mary are
inviting people into the house and saying things like, "Hey, right over here
is where Larry Bird used to eat his Rice Krispies and right over here is
where Larry Bird used to take a leak."
Bob and Mary claim in a countersuit that "Bird
is just being a dickhead." Their attorney , Ted, filed papers with the court
yesterday. The countersuit says, "Come on, are you kidding me? what do
you mean we can't say it's Larry Bird's old house, like what, do you
actually think we bought this house and are not going to tell people Larry
Bird lived in the house? like you guys are out of your f***ing minds."
Judge Harry Dichter said, "I've never in all
my life seen such a poorly written legal brief as the one filed on behalf of
Bob and Mary."
Ted the lawyer added in his argument things
like, "Like if you bought Larry Bird's old house, and if someone came over
for a beer, you wouldn't say something like, 'Hey, guess who used to live
here? Larry Bird.' And if people said something like, 'oh, really? Larry
Bird actually lived here?' so what's the big deal with charging a few buck
to take a dump on toilet that Larry Bird crapped on?"
Judge Dichter asked the question, "Did Larry
Bird really come from a town called French Lick?" "Wow," added the judge, "I
think I saw a movie by the same name."

Yessiree, we saw the same movie. It's a dandy!
CHINA TO INVITE DALAI LAMA TO OLYMPICS
Beijing, China -- The Chinese government
announced yesterday that they might consider inviting the controversial
leader of Tibet to the Summer Olympic games.
Premier Fold Mi Tao said, "Yeah, we'll look
like a bunch of douche bags if we don't invite him so what the hell, send
him an invitation." Tao said that last year the government invited the Dalai
Lama to a Chinese New Year Party and, "he got wrecked and ended up diving
into a bowl of duck sauce." Tao is also concerned that he'll bring "a bunch
of those crazy Tibetans with him."
The Dalai Lama said, "I might go, I might not,
it all depends if they give me one of those superboxes." "If I don't get a
superbox with my own bar, then forget it," said the spiritual leader. Tao
reacted angrily to the superbox request saying, "Now I've got to worry about
a caterer? Christ, politics is hard work." The Lama added, "Hey, I've got an
idea, maybe I'll start the games off with an opening prayer."
The Vatican responded immediately to the news
that the exiled leader will kick off the games with a prayer. Pope Benedict
said, "Did you ever catch one of those Buddhist prayers? Jees, they can
chant for like two days." The Pontiff suggested, "Look why don't Il open up
with a Hail Mary and I'm out there in less than a minute."

Here's a shot of the spread they had to put
out for the Dalai Lama at a recent Giants game. One stadium official said,
"For a little guy he can put the food away."
FORMER FRIEND OF O.J. SAYS: "I HAVE A
SURPRISE FOR YOU!"
Los Angeles, CA --
A memorabilia dealer and former friend of O.J.
Simpson became the 2 billionth person to reveal
that O.J. Simpson killed his ex-wife.
Mike Gilbert,
decided to give up a life of selling old
baseball cards in malls on weekends in order to
pen a new book, "How I Helped O.J. Get Away With
Murder: The Shocking Inside Story of Violence,
Loyalty, Regret, and Remorse and Did I Mention,
This Is A Long F***ing Title." The book was
released to the Associated Press yesterday and
Gilbert says in the book, "I know many won't
believe this, but the surprise is, that O.J.
Simpson killed his wife with a knife."
Millions were
shocked at the news and LAPD detectives released
a statement saying, "Wow, what a f***ing
shocker! We knew eventually someone like Mike
Gilbert would help us solve this crime. We're
just sorry it took so long for everyone to
figure out it was O.J."
Gilbert's book
tells how O.J., high on marijuana, pills, and
alcohol, confessed to him that he did kill his
wife and then asked him, "to pinky swear that he
wouldn't tell anyone." Gilbert said that, "I did
pinky swear but I had my fingers on my other
hand crossed behind my back." He adds, "I
remember thinking at that moment, 'this could be
a book.'"
Lawyers for O.J. met
later yesterday at a prayer service where they knelt
down and thanked God for O.J. Seven hundred lawyers
prayed simultaneously to God, praising him for
"sending a client who never goes away."

Most sports memorabilia dealers agreed that
they would rather pen a book about O.J. than carry all this useless,
overpriced memorabilia shit around with them.
KOBE BORED BY PLAYOFFS; DEVELOPS CIRCUS ACT
Los Angeles, CA -- NBA MVP Kobe Bryant told
fans yesterday that basketball and the playoffs in general, "bores the shit
out of me."
Bryant announced that he was turning to
juggling and magic for "something to keep me interested." NBA officials
reacted to the news with glee. "We really need something to promote fan
interests," said David Stern. "Our surveys indicate that fans would rather
see people clean up elephant shit than watch a routine NBA game." explained
Stern. "I love the idea of combining circus performing with basketball
because after the Tim Donaghy scandal died down, we weren't left with much,"
added the very short Stern.
The Lakers embraced the idea of promoting
Bryant's new found passion. Lakers owner Jerry Buss said, "Come to think of
it, NBA bores the shit out me too so let's get some lion tamers and maybe a
trapeze and have a circus." Buss added, "Phil Jackson looks like one of
those freaky guy on stilts so we won't have to hire one of those tall
dudes."
Bryant has been working on a seal act where he
keeps a ball in the air with his head, flaps his hands and feet, while
simultaneously trying to have sex with young female fans in the audience.
"Chicks dig seals," said Bryant, "and I could do some pretty neat things
with a trapeze, if you catch my drift."

Ringling Brothers named Kobe the Seal,
"Performer of the Year."
PATRIOTS TAPES REVEAL BAD TASTE
Foxboro, MA -- The controversial tapes taken
by the NFL offices from the New England Patriots were put on display today
for all America to watch.
The tapes turned over by former Patriot
employee Matt Walsh showed that the New England coaching staff had some very
odd television viewing habits. Several tapes had old episodes of sitcoms,
"Saved By The Bell" and "Full House", as well as several Paris Hilton sexual
encounters AND the entire Tommy Lee/Pamela Anderson porn episode.
Walsh told reporters, "Come on, what do think
we mean by watching tape?" He further asked, "Do you expect us to watch like
re-runs of football plays or something?" Walsh said that the Patriot staff
usually would meet on Thursday evenings for cards and beer and "when the
card game got stale, we'd watch some porn."
Surprisingly Walsh revealed that Patriot coach
Bill Belichick especially "liked the Olsen twins before their teen years."
Walsh remembers Belichick saying, "IF they're giving off signals, I want to
know about it." Both Olsen sisters revealed in a Barbara Walters interview
that in the early 90's, they had an intimate relationship with former
Massachusetts Senator Edmund Brooke. "But," they added, "We really dig that
cut-off grey sweatshirt that Bells wears."

There are tons of signals being given off here
by the cast of "Saved By The Bell", helping the Patriots to several Super
Bowl appearances.
T.O. DREAMS HE'S STILL AN EAGLE
Dallas, TX -- Dallas Cowboy receiver Terrell
Owens woke up this morning in a cold sweat from a dream he was having where
he caught five touchdowns in the Super Bowl for the Philadelphia Eagles.
"Initially," said Owens, "I was proud of
myself because I'm the greatest football player alive, but, then I realized
that Donovan McNabb was the quarterback and I realized something is wrong."
Owens woke up, immediately called his agent, Drew Rosenhaus, and the two men
held a press conference.
Rosenhaus protected Owens from fielding
questions about the dream. "All I can tell you at this time is that T.O. had
a bad dream," explained Rosenhaus. "We believe that the Philadelphia Eagles
intentionally entered Terrell's dream state and tried to exploit him in the
dream to win a fictitious Super Bowl." While Owens did situps next to
Rosenhaus, his agent claimed, "T.O. has no comment about his dream of being
an Eagle, and that's all I want to say at this time." The super agent
did say that he would request the NFL office to review the dream and
penalize the Philadelphia Eagles for invading Owens' dream life. "It's
blatent disrespect for Terrell by the Eagles trying to work their way into
his dreams," said Rosenhaus.
"Freud suggested the bad dreams let the brain
gain control over emotions from distressing experiences," tutored Rosenhaus.
He warned, "It's unacceptable that the Eagles be allowed to randomly enter a
player's dream state and we're prepared to have T.O. stop dreaming in the
upcoming season."
Eagles coach Andy Reid denied entering Owens
dream. "Certainly it's something we've talked about doing and I'm not saying
I haven't entered other people's dreams but truthfully, if someone is
dreaming about a 350 lb. man, he's got some serious issues."

Owens pictured here in the dream later
admitted, "I'm kind of a dick, ain't I?"
INFLATABLE DOLLS TURN UP IN WHITE SOX
LOCKER ROOM
Chicago, IL -- The Chicago White Sox, feeling
that they needed something to turn their slumping fortunes around, placed
inflatable dolls around the locker room, setting off a controversy amongst
women's groups.
White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen said that
having his players interact with inflatable women, "keeps the locker room
loose." "A woman who is there for you when you're going through tough times
but doesn't talk is a real gift," explained Guillen. "The bottom line is
that you can custom make your inflatable woman and then leave her whenever
you feel like it with no consequences," he added.
Several players said that their lives have
turned around since the introduction to the dolls. One pitcher said about
his doll, "I used to have one of those inflatable ducks that you could put
around your waist in the swimming pool." "But," he added, "it's a lot more
fun to put a inflatable woman around your waist if you know what I mean."
"And," he continued, "there's no 'I've got a headache' bullshit, which just
make for great convenience."
Advocates for the inflatable dolls say that
this attitude is just demeaning to women. Psychologist Helen Gurley Burley
said, "Women can't compete with inflatable dolls. We have so many different
expectations to meet as women, that to want us to inflate and deflate is too
much to ask."
George Humpster, President of the National
Association of Men for Inflatable Women said, "You know, if you going
boating or something, you should consider taking an inflatable woman. She
could save your life."

Everyone agrees that it's tough to compete
with inflat-ables.
MRS. A-ROD REVEALS: "ALEX IS A PUSSY!"
New York, NY -- The wife of Yankees superstar
third baseman Alex Rodriguez said in an interview yesterday on a show
called, "Yesterdays", that "Alex is a pussy."
Cynthia Rodriguez explained that during the
birth of his first daughter, A-Rod passed out. "I'm there moaning and
groaning, pushing and contracting, and this big, wimp is on the floor stone
cold." "I swear to God," added Mrs. Rodriguez, "if he didn't make about 50
mil a year, I'd leave his ass."
The slugger's wife did admit, "Ladies, you can
put up with a pussy if he makes a lot of money." "Remember," she emphasized,
"money plus pussy... okay... pussy no money, garbage dump."
Dr. Phillip McGraw, noted bald babbler
of really obvious psychological bull shit, commented, "I think Cynthia
makes a valid point. A pussy like A-Rod can get away with just about
anything if you have a 100 plus million contract." Dr. Phil added,
"There's nothing worse than a whining pussy with no money." McGraw
explained that he will see a client who is an obvious whining pussy but
not before getting payment in full for services.
Ten out of ten psychologists surveyed
for this article agreed that listening to a whining pussy is pure
torture but listening to a whining pussy at $150 per hour is "just good
business."
Historians agree that infamous Soviet dictator
Josef Stalin, "was a big, whining pussy but was able to kill anyone he felt
like."
RONALDO TO HAVE EYES EXAMINED
San Paulo, Brazil -- Brazilian soccer star
Ronaldo came out of hiding yesterday to admit, "Yes, I paid for sex with
cross-dressing prostitutes."
Calling it the biggest mistake of his life,
Ronaldo's mother compared it to the time he accidentally put laundry soap on
his cereal mistaking it for table sugar. "I've been on him for years to get
his eyes checked," screamed Mrs. Ronaldo. Ronaldo admitted, "I don't see too
good but I think I look funny in glasses."
Ronaldo said he wasn't aware the prostitutes
were cross-dressers until he got to the motel with them and discovered they
were men. "Gee, I had already paid them for sex and then, as you can I
imagine, I was in a real pickle." He continued, "Do you get what you've
already paid for or claim it on your income tax form as a business loss?"
Accountant Len Swerling said, "It's a really
tough accounting call but I think you've got to go ahead and have the sex
you've paid for but then again, you've got to hope the cross-dressing men
can keep a secret." Swerling added, "IRS auditors really scrutinize the
business loss deduction due to not getting sex that you paid for."
Ronaldo explained, "It's just time that I
break down, have the eye exam and wear spectacles rather than be the
spectacle." He admitted, "This is like the twentieth time this kind of thing
has happened and if that's not an optometry wake-up call, I don't know what
is."

Ronaldo further admitted that, "The stress
from this eye thing has forced me to let myself go."
POLICE PEPPER SPRAY BEARS' BENSON
Austin, TX -- Chicago Bears running back
Cedric Benson was charged with failing a sobriety test while operating a
30-foot boat, then resisting arrest before being hit with pepper spray by
police officers.
The former Texas Longhorn spoke to the Chicago
Sun-Times and said that he was not drunk and he did not resist the arrest.
Benson was carrying 15 passengers on his boat at the time of his arrest.
"Sure we were drinking, sure we were naked, sure there was lots of sex, but
we're not the Minnesota Vikings," said Benson. Benson was particularly upset
that he was pepper-sprayed. "All I can say is...sheeeeet that sheeeet
burns," said Benson.
Police in Texas, long known for their gentle
handling of criminal behavior, use pepper spray in most Southwestern
recipes. Police chief Lyndon Baines said, "Pepper spray just adds the right
amount of spice to any dish." Baines added, "I'm sure my men were just
adding some flavor to a dish when they accidentally got some spray on
Cedric." Baines offered reporters some very tasty wings with pepper spray
and everyone agreed that pepper spray in an underutilized ingredient in most
kitchens.
Food expert Lindy Lovelace said, "Most people
think pepper spray just makes you choke, but it adds zest to even the
blandest meals and it keeps criminals out of your kitchen." Lovelace, the
daughter of former film star Linda Lovelace added, "And I know a thing or
two about choking."
Later, Benson and police sat down to a big,
plate of ribs with pepper spray and all was forgiven and everyone lived
happily ever after.

Here a police officer adds just the right
amount of pepper spray seasoning to a zealous fan.
SPRINTER MONTGOMERY DENIES HEROIN DEALING
Norfolk, VA -- Former Olympic sprinter Tim
Montgomery was arrested and faces a detenition hearing charges of
distributing heroin.
Montgomery, 33, was arrested on Wednesday in
Norfolk, Virginia on an indictment from the U.S. Attorney's Office charging
him with conspiracy to possess with intent to distribute. Montgomery denied
that he intended to distribute because, "I just like to keep it all to
myself." The runner told the judge that he was very involved in helping drug
addicts kick the drug habit.
"Did you ever see that commercial with the
eggs and the announcer says, 'here is your brain and here is your brain on
drugs'?" Montgomery says he takes the same strategy when he talks with
addicts. "Usually I drop my pants and show them my tiny asshole," explained
Montgomery. "I tell them here's your ass, and then I put a large cucumber up
my ass and I say 'here's my ass in prison' and somehow the addicts get the
message."
Montgomery admitted that most drug addicts are
too stoned to care about an anti-drug message but "I sell a lot of
cucumbers."

Montgomery's anti-drug message just plain
makes our blood run cold.
BARBARA WALTERS ADMITS TO AFFAIR WITH BABE
RUTH
New York, NY -- Television celebrity Barbara
Walters admitted yesterday to Oprah Winfrey that she had a torrid affair
with baseball legend Babe Ruth sometime in the 30's.
Walters, who has had affairs with hundreds of
men, lists her age as 78 but dental records reveal she was born somewhere
around 1903, making her 105. People close to the reporter say that Walters
has the best make-up and hair stylist in the entertainment business. Winfrey
complimented Walters saying, "Seriously you don't look a day over 99."
Yesterday, Walters was revealing several of
the men she has had sex with when she slipped in the comment about Ruth,
which gave her age away. Walters tried recovering from the gaffe by saying
she met Ruth when she interviewed him as one of her "Most Fascinating People
of 1952." But quickly Winfrey responded by saying Ruth was dead by then and
that "makes you over 100 years old and a goddamn liar."
Walters quickly recovered and switched the
subject to her affairs with Yankees manager Casey Stengel, Giants
quarterback Y. A. Title, and former Massachusetts senator Edward Brooke.
"For some reasons I'm drawn sexually to athletes," said Walters, "and
several times I've tried unsuccessfully to get into Michael Jordan's pants."
Jordan commented, "Man, she's got a great makeup person, and I'd have sex
with her except I couldn't stand listening to that voice of hers."

Former Walters' co-host Rosie O'Donnell said,
"I never had sex with Babe Ruth but back in the day, if I was living then, I
would have like to bag Babe Didrickson."
JOHN DALY ATTACKS BUTCH HARMON
Hoochikee, FL -- Golfer John Daly raised the
stakes in his on-going feud with former golf coach Butch Harmon.
Daly claimed earlier in the week that Butch
Harmon apologized for dropping him because of his excessive drinking.
Harmon, the famous swing coach, denied apologizing to Daly, saying, "The
most disgusting site in the world is John Daly naked and I'll never
apologized to an ugly naked guy."
The comment hurt Daly deeply and forced him to
down fourteen bottles of Jack Daniels. The two crossed paths at a Florida
clubhouse where Daly attacked Harmon with a handful of swizzle sticks and
plastic tooth picks. Harmon sustained superficial injuries and was treated
by the bartender and then served dinner.
Witnesses say that Harmon was able to fend off
the swizzle sticks but took a few jabs with the toothpicks. Later Daly
confessed, "Seriously I thought he was a big, overgrown olive. I was just
trying to get him in my martini." Harmon said that he was fine and had to
get back to coaching Phil Mickelson for his annual choke in the U.S. Open.

For some reason, this shot of John Daly
without a shirt doesn't bother us at all.
HUNTING DOG SUSPENDED FOR HARASSMENT
Rondersville, PA -- A skilled hunting dog was
suspended and dismissed from the Rondersville Hunting Club for behavior
unbecoming of a member.
George, a 4-year old mongrel, had been a
staple of the club helping hunters fetch and sniff out duck, pheasants, and
possums. Sadly, George was caught in a compromising cross-species sexual
position with a reluctant Canadian geese.
Hunting club President Ralph Freise explained,
"If the word gets around that our dogs can't control themselves then prey
are just going to fly over Rondersville and ignore us altogether." Freise
said that George had been warned several times earlier to refrain from "this
type of inappropriate behavior." But Freise added, "Dogs will be dogs and a
few days in the cooler will send a message to him and the other hunting
dogs."
Animal rights activists say they believe that
George is being treated unfairly. Hannah Jack, a local spokesperson, said,
"Sure if a farmer wants to bang a sheep, that's normal country boy behavior
but God forbid, a dog goes after a duck!"

George the mongrel dog enjoying
the spoils of hunting.
AVERY JOHNSON REFUSES TO LEAVE
Dallas, TX -- Former Dallas Mavericks coach Avery
Johnson refused to leave his position as head coach of the team.
Johnson learned after the Mavericks early exit
from the playoffs that his services would no longer be required. But Johnson did
not take kindly to the news. "I did lose the f***ing game, they did," said
Johnson pointing to his players. He screamed, "I'm just a coach, I say things
like, 'come on guys, let's score some points' or come on guys let's play some
defense.'" Johnson insisted that if the players don't score points or play
defense then he is not responsible.
Dirk Nowitzki responded in German but no one
close could speak German so he may very well have said something like, "I like
Beck's beer better than St. Pauli Girl." Power forward Josh Howard smoked a
joint and seem disconnected to the whole event as he munched on brownies and
french fries.
Mavericks owner Mark Cuban insisted, "Larry
Brown is going to turn this franchise around starting right now."

Johnson screamed to Nowitzki, "No, you leave!"
LARRY BROWN RESIGNS AGAIN AND AGAIN
Charlotte, NC -- Charlotte Bobcats head coach
Larry Brown resigned yesterday just two hours after being hired by the
franchise.
Brown, long known for his restlessness, stated,
"I think it's time to move on and maybe coach somewhere else." Team officials
were not surprised by expressed gratitude for all that Brown had done for the
franchise. Team president, Michael Jordan said, "We needed someone to come in
here and shake things up and that's what Larry did." Jordan added, "He's a
legend and we were lucky to have him as our head coach."
Several players were saddened by Brown's
departure. "He made us more as basketball players and as men," said forward
Emeka Okafur, "and I learned everything I know about basketball in just the
short time I spent with Larry Brown." Guard Raymond Felton expressed feelings by
saying, "He got everyone to think TEAM first and we really gelled as a cohesive
basketball team."
With tears in his eyes, Brown whimpered, "You
have to be careful not to stay in one place too long because you get stale."
"But," he continued, "I'll always treasure my time with the Bobcats and I thank
the organization for the couple of hours we had together."
Later yesterday, Brown coached the Miami Heat,
the Chicago Bulls, and Memphis Grizzlies.

Larry Brown, seen here, driving to Minneapolis
to coach the Timberwolves.
SAY IT AIN'T SO, ROGER!
New York, NY -- Saying that all is fair in love
and war, attorneys for trainer Brian McNamee dropped a bombshell yesterday by
announcing that Roger Clemens had a decade long affair with country singer Mindy
McCready.
The judge in the case immediately reacted with
questions, "Mindy McCready? Who the hell is she? Did I ever hear of her? Do I
have any of her records? Can you name me one hit she had?" Clemens was
dumbfounded by the questions and said, "I don't think she ever made a record but
boy-o-boy can she sing in the shower."
Clemens attorney Rusty Hardin said, "Seriously,
I'm a big shot lawyer earning millions of bucks off this steroid thing and
really my name is Rusty." Clemens asked, "What's with the Rusty thing? My dog's
name is Rusty." Hardin said the whole affair allegation is a huge fabrication on
part of McNamee's team but did admit that Clemens had an affair with Tracey
McGrady. "Wow, you ought to hear him sing country music," said Hardin about the
All-Star Houston Rockets forward. "You'd think he'd be a rapper," explained
Hardin, "but he can really belt out those Mindy McCready hits."
McGrady said that he had no recollection of
having sex with Clemens but he did say he fantasized about singing a country
duet with McCready because, "our names sound alike and 'McCready and McGrady'
just would look cool on a marquee in Vegas."

Roger Clemens posing with Tracy McGrady during
better times.
DOG SHOW MARRED BY MASS SUICIDE
New York, NY -- Hundreds of spectators and dog
owners were shocked yesterday at a New York Kennel Club dog show when a group of
dogs carried out their suicide pact.
Investigators are trying to piece together the
evidence but they admit that they are somewhat stymied because, "no one spoke to
the dogs before they killed themselves." From what few facts that exist, it
seems that the dogs were influenced by a angry retriever named Jonesey, who for
months has been urging dogs to boycott dog shows.
Witnesses say that Jonesey was highly
uncooperative at earlier shows and "he refused to prance and trot on command."
Several sources close to the case revealed that several dogs had been seen
"sniffing and mulling around each other genitalia." Canine experts can't be sure
what dogs are communicating while sniffing each other but it is apparent in this
case that dogs were saying things like, "Being a dog sucks, let's kill
ourselves," and "There's a better world waiting for us on the other side."
What is known is that the dogs sat in a
poisonous substance and then licked themselves to death. Dog suicide pacts are rare but not
unprecedented. In 1972, seventeen basset hounds tied their ears together and
jumped off the Verazano Bridge. Dr. Al Posada, a vet specializing in dog
psychiatry, explained, "There is a dark, underbelly to the dog show world." He
added, "Sometimes dealing with life becomes too painful and dogs have no choice
but to end it all." "Leave us not judge these animals," he cautioned, "but lets
try and prevent an ugly tragedy like this from happening again."

Sadly, no suicide note was left by any of the
animals because dogs can't read or write.
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