NEWS:
ELIN WOODS TO WED JOHNNY WEIR
Bebeandersson, Sweden -- The seperated spouse of golfer Tiger Woods announced yesterday that she was romantically linked to figure skater Johnny Weir.
Elin Woods told reporters, "Maybe I'm not romantically linked to him but I have real interest in exploring a relationship." Woods said in her native Swedish, "Gafoot, laboot, I am curious yellow." "I Am Curious Yellow" was one of the first Swedish XXX film on the early 1970's which ushered in an entire industry. It's a decent film but what Woods was actually saying is that we have the Swedes to thanks for dirty movies.
Woods added that she felt Weir was a safe bet and that after getting humiliated by a philanderer, "I think I'd be pretty safe that Johnny W isn't going to scoring with cocktail waitresses...and besides if we did get married, I wouldn't have to change the monogram on all of my sweaters, EW." She said she was equally excited about the plentitude of feather boas that she would have at her disposal.
"And just think," she added, "if he cheats on me and leaves for someone else, look at the clothes I inherit. Much better than the smashed up Escalade I got last time."
Weir said that he was too focused on winning a gold medal to entertain a relationship with Elin. Even though, Weir was fascinated by the prospect saying, "that inherited clothes door swings both ways!"
One more time, everyone together, "Tiger, you douche bag!"
CLIPPERS REACH OUT TO ISIAH THOMAS AND HE REACHES BACK
Los Angeles, CA -- Rumors circulated around the world today that the Los Angeles Clippers have contacted former NBA player and coach Isiah Thomas about taking over coaching and general manager duties for the recently fired Mike Dunleavy.
Thomas is currently coaching in the college ranks at Florida International University and said, "Are you kidding me, leave college? with all these hot Florida bitches?"
Dunleavy, already in treatment for depression after coaching the Clippers for the last seven seasons, said, "Gee, as if I didn't feel bad enough already, they want to replace with who?" Dunleavy added, "Maybe I can borrow some of those sleeping pills Isiah tried taking a few years back," referring to Thomas' aborted suicide attempt in 2007 while coaching the then suck full of nuts, New York Knicks.
Thomas, even though denying he was interested in the Clippers job, wasted no time getting familiar with the Clippers organization. Walking into the Clippers office this morning and spotting a few Clippers cheerleaders, Thomas introduced himself saying, "Hey bitches, come on over here and let Isiah some ass." Clippers owner and part-time lunatic Donald Sterling instructed his cheerleaders to "make Isiah feel at home cause I'm on the verge of another crapola idea to insure that the Clippers remain the absolute most f***ed up franchise in sports history."
World opinion was mixed on whether or not Thomas and Clippers are a good fit. Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahoo said, "I really think he's got a good thing going on down at FIU but hey those Clipper cheerleaders are the make me glad I'm not a Laker fan." Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez added, "It's good to be the head coach or head dictator cause you do get to ass grab all the nice chicks...take the Clips job Isiah!"
Sometimes, we Clipper fans forget that Blake Griffin will miss his entire rookie season and we not even upset about it.
WOODS LEAVES CLINIC; BAGS HO'S
Mustbelow, MI -- Pro golfer Tiger Woods left a sex rehabilitation clinic after one month of treatment yesterday and then immediately attended a local orgy of strippers and prostitutes.
"Wow, you want to get horny? Try one month in the slammer with no internet or cell phone," chuckled Woods. The much maligned golfer added, "I felt sorry for my pillow cause because she had to take the brunt of my pent up energy."
For the past month Woods stayed in a cabin in the woods surrounded by gentle streams and chirping birds where sex therapists instructed him to meditate and think about the consequences of his sex addiction. Dr. Hans Groper explained, "Treating a sex addict is a complete waste of time but it's covered under most major health plans and truthfully there's not a lot of overhead, just some woods, a cabin, and some chirping birds."
"The Center For Stop Banging Every Woman You Meet" strives to get their clients to understand that you can't bang every woman you meet. "That's a tough message for a lot of guys to get," explained Groper, "and like cancer we're many years from a cure and the fact is, there isn't one."
Woods ran from the center and immediately tried to have intercourse with the first woman he came in contact with. May Bell Tocket was hanging clothes in her backyard when Woods approached her from behind and said, "I've got a fantasy with clothespins, do you think you can help me out?...I've still got a pile of money!"
May Bell explained to Woods that her husband Ticky would be arriving home shortly so Woods settled for her talking dirty to her for two minutes. "It was a start," said Woods. Woods immediately returned to downtown Mustbelow where when last seen he was trying to coax a woman to perform a lap dance for him in a Home Depot.
A sex addict in a cabin in the woods for one month...there's a treatment concept!
STEVIE WONDER DEMANDS REFUND ON NETS' SEASON TICKET
Newark, NJ -- Musical legend Stevie Wonder walked out of Prudential Center the other evening after the New Jersey Nets lost it's 44th game of the season and demanded that the team refund him his money for his season tickets.
"I can't watch this anymore," steamed Wonder, "and I want my money back." Wonder, a longtime Nets fans, said he was distressed ever since the Nets replaced Lawrence Frank with Kiki Vanderweghe. "Truthfully, I would have rather seen Kiki Dee coach," added Wonder. Kiki Dee, the 1970's female vocalist who partnered with Elton John on the mega-hit "Don't Go Breaking My Heart," has never coached in the NBA and has no interest in doing so, but she did say, "I'll tell one thing I'd do right away if I'm coaching this franchise and that's to move that Douglas-Roberts guy."
Dee, who never made another record after her lucky break with John, added, "How does a guy with a hyphenated name get to be a first rounder in the NBA?" Elton John, who has never been to a Nets game, commented, "I can afford to lose a lot of money being Elton John but I couldn't envision ever losing a nickel watching the New Jersey Nets, hey and that Kiki Dee was pretty damn hot back in the day but I just remembered I'm gay and what the hell am I saying about Kiki Dee...It's Kiki Vanderweghe I dig!"
Wonder, who has penned over 40 gold records, mistakingly thought that the Nets had refunded his money but later found out when he got home that what he thought was a stack of bills was just a handful of "While You Were Out____Called" slips. "Shit, I fell for that again? Sheeeet!" screamed Wonder. "At least I didn't get dropped off at the Nassau Colliseum where the Nets played in the old ABA days...that's another old trick they play on me sometimes," chuckled Wonder.
You might fool Stevie Wonder some of the time but you can fool Stevie Wonder all of the time.
NFL CRACKS DOWN ON PIRATED T-SHIRTS
New Orleans, LA -- The National Football League copyright infringement agents were out in full force this week smashing windows and arresting t-shirt makers for printing and selling any materials with any reference to football or the New Orleans Saints.
T-shirt makers have profited from the regional slang phrase, "Who Dat?" which has become the rallying phrase for the Saints franchise and fans. Millions of t-shirts were confiscated by NFL agents and incinerated and hundreds of pirate t-shirt makers were thrown in prison. "They're pirates and they deserve death," said NFL commish Roger Goodell. "Copyright infringement is a serious matter and should be dealt with swiftly and with great force," added Goodell.
One anonymous veteran pirate t-shirt maker said, "Though I have the best Super Bowl t-shirt that says, 'We're Number 1 Cause We Gotta Thick Black Bush!' I won't be selling the shirt for fear I'll be put away." Sadly several great t-shirts will never make it to the market place because the products are not official NFL merchandise.
Goodell explained, "Look I love the 'Gum My Bow' as much as the next guy but it's not official without our NFL logo... so if you want the NFL, go to the NFL." Goodell counseled anyone with a really good t-shirt logo to contact his office, give them the good idea, let them make a little profit on the idea, and he promised, "We'll make it official."
T-shirt veteran Art Spegelcatalogue sadly revealed his unofficial 2 million prematurely ejaculated, "Brett's Our Favreite" shirts will be donated to Haitian relief and used as "ass wipes."
Please do not buy this t-shirt if it does not have the official NFL endorsement.
COLLEGE SIGNING DAY FULL OF EXCITEMENT
State College, PA -- Today was the first official day that colleges could show off their 2010 recruiting classes and the major football powers were out in full force displaying their prizes for the next four seasons.
University of Florida landed five of the nations top rated prospects with Coach Urban Meyer sure that he'll end up with the most touted class in school history. Ohio State's Jim Tressel said he was very happy that he was able to keep most of Ohio's top talent in-state and the same tune was being sung by Rich Rodriguez. In fact most of the programs spent the day bragging that each school had indeed the top prospects.
However, USC Lane Kiffin's unexpectedly late minute departure from the University of Tennessee left the school on the lurch. Once Kiffin announced that he was leaving Knoxville, most to all of his earlier recruits found other schools. New coach Derek Dooley confessed that Kiffin's exit really left the Tennessee recruiting picture, "in a bad, bad way."
"Hopefully some of the kids we got at the last minute can play but truthfully, at this stage of the game, we picking from the bottom of the barrel," said Dooley. Several top notch Volunteer recruits followed Kiffin to Los Angeles leaving Dooley with some players with little to no high school experience. Dooley said, "We've got some kids that did high school band, a few really good art students, and three guys who ran their school's HAM radio club so we'll piece a freshman class together."
Kiffin laughed saying, "Don't blame me, I'm stuck at USC with Pete Carroll's sloppy seconds grad students."
University of Tennessee 2010 recruiting class boasts a pretty hefty GPA though Dooley will be hard pressed to find a QB in this group.
MICKELSON ACCUSED OF CHEATING
La Jollies, CA -- The new PGA tour season is only a few weeks old and already controversy is brewing after Phil Mickelson was accused of cheating using an illegal golf club.
Mickelson played a round the other day using the special "Wii" golf club controller and shot an incredible round of 29 for 18 holes. "That is some gadget," smiled Mickelson after shattering all golf records by 30 strokes. "It's soooooo cool and I don't know why I ever decided to use those old fashioned regular clubs," he added, "and guess what? my 5-year-old son Phil Jr. shot a 49 with the same club."
Several tour players criticized Mickelson for the illegal club use and tour veteran Scott McEnron screamed, "I'm appalled that one of the greatest players who ever played the game but choked in just about every major he's ever been in, has resorted to using this gimmick club."
Tour officials say that the Wii club, though allows you to hit a ball over 500 yards, does give certain players an unfair advantage. Rocco Medicate commented, "I don't like this at all...I don't mind coming over your house and having a couple of beers and playing golf in your family room but I don't think he should be eligible for a $1.9 million dollar purse using a controller."
Mickelson said, "Wait on the 18th tee of the U.S. Open this year...think I'm gonna pull out the wrong club and pull a ball into the woods? No way, not with the Wii club...down the middle to the green for a one putt-triple eagle!"
Remember to keep both hands on your controller and swing that thing back and forth many times until you feel just right.
WEIR WILL SWITCH TO SILK PANTIES
Vancouver, BC -- American figure skater and Olympic gold medal hopeful Johnny Weir announced yesterday that he will switch from his normal raccoon thong to just a regular silk thong.
This historic move was prompted by protests from animal rights groups about Weir's undergarments. For the past several days Weir has faced harassment and even death threats about his furry thong. "Though my furry thong feels soooooo good on my male blade, I realized that killing animals to make my junk feel nice is just plain wrong and besides, people want to kill me," said Weir.
Weir's costume designer Frenchy LaRue defended Weir's choice of raccoon fur stating, "All we did was pick up some raccoon roadkill and fashion a thong, what's the big deal?" Fur activists insists that fur male thongs are the epitome of animal exploitation. "What's next rabbit toilet tissue?" asked activist Pierce Hater.
Weir insists that, "I'm a friend to all furry things great and small and that one of my favorite things to do is clean out gerbil cages." "I can skate totally free style without a thong or without any undergarment at all and still get perfect 10's," he promised.
PETA activists released a statement, "We still want to kill Johnny Weir for the simple reason he's Johnny Weir."
It's very comforting to know that that poor raccoon you hit with your car last night could end up warming Johnny's T's.
KURT RAMBIS COMEBACK RAGES ON
Los Angeles, CA -- Former Los Angeles Lakers forward Kurt Rambis' comeback took another giant step yesterday when he received a new prescription from Smearle Visioncrafters.
Rambis, who was let go by the team in 1986 when he misplaced his famous Rambis Specs, spend over 20 years finding a suitable replacement pair. "I lost my glasses one day and they were a discontinued frame," explained Rambis, "and I searched over a million opticians until I could find a comfortable pair." Sadly without his signature black rimmed beauties, the Lakers dumped Rambis and for the next several years he wandered lost in the California desert.
The 6'10" hoopster explained, "I was in the desert for 40 days and 40 nights and was tempted by the devil repeatedly where he said he'd give me triple double double digit average and 20-20 vision in exchange for my soul." But Rambis resisted the devil and persisted in his quest for a comeback. "I'm still scary and players still take one look and say, whoa they're some scary looking big black oversized frames, so naturally I'm an asset to any NBA team," he added.
Optician Barney Tweedy said, "The Kurt Rambis comeback story is being written and it's a triumph for Kurt Rambis and it's a triumph for the entire optical industry." "The Kurt Rambis specs might just have be the apex of optical care in this country and to see Kurt again in those glasses brings a tear to my eye," tweeded Tweedy.
Rambis speaking to a group of kids told them, "Don't let anyone ever tell you they don't make oversized black rimmed glasses...no you stand up and demand as an American the right to wear oversized black rimmed glasses...and you walk on the court proud, with your head held high BUT...don't ever lose them cause then you're really screwed."
Former Laker or biblical hero? Either way, big glasses are back!
GREG ODEN APOLOGIZES; ALL IS FORGIVEN
Jockweb, HQ -- Portland Trailblazers center Greg Oden apologized to fans and "all the young kids out there" after nude self-portraits of him surfaced on the internet.
Oden made his apology in the halls of Jockweb due his his longstanding relationship with Jockweb CEO Shecky Sheckstein. "I just thought it appropriate that I issue my apology through Jockweb since Shecky has been with me since day one," said the teary Oden. "I trust Shecky and I trust Jockweb," added Oden.
The pictures were taken last year for a "lady friend" and Oden has no idea how the pictures made their way into cyberspace. After the apology, Sheckstein took the microphone following Oden and lovingly chastised the young, raw, injury prone Blazer pivot man. "Greg," Sheckstein said as he cleared his throat, "what kind on moronic knucklehead are you?...wait let me get this right, you took a picture of tremendously large shepherd's staff of yoursand it got on the internet?" The stern but loving Sheckstein told Oden in front of reporters, "Greg, everyone makes a mistake sometimes, but only you and Sean Salisbury were stupid enough to photograph your family heirloom...by the way, you've got Salisbury beat by a good 8 inches!"
The mega-successful Sheckstein took a moment to address all of the young NBA fans saying, "Kids, learn from Greg Oden...first, see if you can string a few seasons together with a plus 20 ppg. average, maybe an All-Star appearance, and a NBA title before self-photographing your penis." Sheckstein insisted that Americans have a short memory. "After a few days of media blitz, Americans forgive and forget their athletic heroes and allow them to recapture high income endorsements but first, you have to have a f***ing career!" Sheckstein blasted.
Oden said later, "I appreciate Shecky's words and encouragement...he's always been there for me, steering me on course with a gentle nudge...long live Shecky Sheckstein, long live Jockweb!"
Oden seen here with his personal coach working on is high post moves.
BOWLER SMASHES GLASS CEILING
Union, NJ -- When Kelly Kulick sent pins crashing down on Saturday in the 45th Tournament of Champions, she did what no woman has ever done before, she won a major men's Professional Bowling Tour event.
And more importantly she bowled a tremendous 265 score with four straight strikes and she did in a black bikini. "All my life I imagined this would happen and I lived for this day and I'm pretty sure the black bikini helped," she said. Kulick cheered on by grade school classmates and former bowling teammates, also dressed in bikinis, may have changed the face of bowling forever.
Longtime New York Giants ticket season holder Frank Mineone said, "Giants who? I'm a bowling fan from here on out!" Even Jets coach Rex Ryan said, "I quit coaching, I'll just be bowling and losing graciously for rest of my life and I'll die happy."
Kulick added, "All my life I wanted to compete with men and now it seems like they've embraced me as an equal...it's so gratifying and a dream come true...I'm just one of the guys." Many bowling experts questioned if Kulick had the strength and technique to compete on the men's tour but just about everyone conceded, "Yep, she's got technique."
"I like to sort of approach the lane as if it were a longing lover and carass the bowling ball as if..." she was stopped right there because everyone's concentration was destroyed and everyone had their hands on something other than a pad and pencil. But you get the idea. Kelly Kulick and Professional Bowling are here to stay and that's very, very good for sport.
In bowling, the glove is a really important element to your success.
PRINCE DISSES THE PACKER FORMERLY KNOWN AS BRETT
Minneapolis, MN -- Iconoclastic singer Prince, who penned the song "Purple and Gold Rain" in support of the Minnesota Vikings playoff run, took his song back.
The Grammy award winning performer and fierce Viking fan was so incensed with Favre's last minute interception that he un-wrote the fight song. It is the first time in music history that a song was unwritten.
Musicologist Headey Beat said, "How the f*** do you unwrite a song...once it's out there, it's out there and it's floating around." The angry Prince said, well he did say much, because he's iconoclastic and hardly speaks to anyone because he's so rich from all his big Grammy hits that he doesn't have to talk to the rest of us, but he did say this, "What the f*** was Favre doing throwing the ball against the grain, like that's the number one rule for quarterbacks, don't throw the f***ing ball back across your body because you're always going to be intercepted, the dumb son of a bitch!" "I agree," he continued, "that if he squeezes that ball in their in that situation, that we probably score and win the game and he's a hero, but this was vintage Brett Favre."
Favre apologized to Prince afterwards but Prince could not be consoled. "Damn, you did the same thing against the Giants two years ago...for Jehovah's sake, just retire for good!" The wounded Favre asked Prince to reconsider saying, "What if I just hum the Purple and Gold Rain song?" Prince snapped completely out and said, "No humming!"
Many people who heard the song were very glad that Prince took it back. "It sucked," said one Minneapolis radio listener, "and I wouldn't mind if he took back a few more but I wanna keep that 'Raspberry Beret' one that he does, you know the one where his girlfriend Carmen Electra is just wearing a raspberry beret? Wow, that's a crafty tune!"
Prince agreed that we can keep that one but Brett Favre is not allowed back in the NFL or else "I'll never play the Super Bowl halftime show again!"
This distressed Prince also said, "Brett, it's time to go away!"
ICE DANCERS OFFEND EVERYONE
Vancover, Coloombea -- Two Russian ice dancers managed to anger the entire world with their dance routine poking fun at Australian Aboriginal persons.
Okasana Dominatrix and Maxim Gorky donned dark-toned body suits and red loin clothes and danced around like crazy Aboriginies giving the impression that the Aboriginal population of Australia actually used to dance on ice to pass the time. "We hate ice dancing," said Aboriginal tribal leader Sol Berman, "and let's face it, we were the 'originals' not the 'aboriginals' and that is a huge distinction."
Everyone who watched the routine was offended in some way. "That's a disgrace," said one spectator. "Just awful," said another. "Oh boy, does that ever piss me off," screamed another. And so on and so on.
"What is with ice dancers that every time they step on the ice they manage to upset the entire world?" asked longtime ice dancer critic Fred Meltzer. "I can't put my finger on it but it might have something to do Johnny Weir."
Dominatrix apologized and then she and Gorky skated a ten minute tribute to dwarves called, "Tiny Dancers," to the music of Elton John. Both skaters skated the entire program in squatted position with Gorky explaining, "Dwarves are short people and when they dance they are 'tiny dancers' and who could be offended by that?"
Elton John said of the routine, "I'd like to get my hands on his Gorky!"
The 1,000,000,005th reason we hate ice dancing!
SEAN SALISBURY SEIZES NEW BUSINESS OPPORTUNITY
Yunkers, KS -- Former NFL quarterback and ESPN analyst Sean Salisbury admitted publicly that indeed he had photographed his genitals with a cell phone and showed the pictures to friends.
Salisbury was dropped by the network and at first denied he did engage in professional self photography but today he came clean and said, "Yes, like many men, I took a picture of my crotch because it's so damn easy with a cell phone." The response to Salisbury honesty was overwhelming. "I can't believe how many men called to thank me for coming clean with my story...I had no idea how many men photographed their genitals and displayed them in public."
The community support for Salisbury's admission has spurned him to "really go all out with self-genital photography." "I am convinced their is a major market for my self-portraits," said the former Viking. "Why not Sean Salisbury genitals in art galleries, on greeting cards, or just displayed in public places for the betterment of the community?" he asked out loud.
The afterthought blossomed into a full line of Salisbury visual art products called, "Meat Salisbury!" For just three easy payments of $19.95, consumers, art collectors, and anyone with a credit card can own the entire Sean Salisbury Self-Photography collection.
Hal Mapplethorpe of Cincinnati said, "I purchased the entire Meat Salisbury collection, and I couldn't be happier with a purchase...people come in and see the photo over my fireplace and say, 'Hey, isn't that Sean Salisbury's genitals? Wow, that's some high priced art work you've got there Hal!' AND I feel like a genuine high class art collector."
Sean Salisbury added, "It's all about turning lemons into lemonade or should I say, turning your nuts into gold." "America truly is the land of opportunity," he winked.
Self-portraits are fast and easy with cell phone photographic technology and who knows, YOU could be a famous artist and not even realize it!
WOODS HIDING IN HAITI?
Port of the Prince, Haitia -- Exiled golfer Tiger Woods has taken a leave from professional golf and is reported hiding somewhere until the media storm around his extra-marital activity subsides.
Reports have trickled in from several locations around the world that Woods is being treated for sex addiction somewhere from Mississippi to South Africa. However, Woods released a statement on his website, tigerpawswaitresses.com, that he plans to help the earthquake victims in Haitia.
Yesterday Woods secretly arrived in Haitia to help with the earthquake relief effort. Woods was able to slip by reporters at the airport by landing his private cruise ship on the south side of the island. "Wow, take a look at these Haitian chicks, am I in heaven or what? Jees, someone pinch me," said Woods upon stepping on the island. "Wow, now I know how Christopher Columbus felt when he landed here...hey let's find some babes and party!" he exclaimed.
Moments later Woods caught himself and realized what a huge gaffe it would be to try and score waitresses in an ravaged country. "Oh Tiger," he said to himself, "come on boy, you're being treated for sex addiction, what kind of insensitive comment is that?"
Doctors have encouraged Woods, as part of his therapy, to smack himself every time he has impure, dirty thoughts. Woods joked, "God, I feel a little like I'm in the ring with Mike Tyson, except I'm all alone...no change that image, I feel like I'm in the ring with Elin and she's smacking me silly...oh well lets get to the earthquake relief!"
On close inspection, this could be either Tiger Woods in Haiti or Osama Bin Laden in the Bahamas.
GREENBERG CELEBRATES MLK DAY IN FASHION
Bristol Cream, CT -- Popular morning sports talk radio host Mike Greenberg spent MLK day "just relaxing and remembering the legacy."
Greeenberg, who took some heat for a slip on the tongue on his show, is currently on the hot seat for twisting Martin Luther King Junior into Martin Luther Coon Junior. For the last few days Greenberg has dodged bullets and jeers from some, and toasts and cheers from others but one thing is for sure according to the host, "I'm no racist!"
"If you were listening closely, you'll hear me say 'Martin Luther King Jewnior' which was my attempt to make Dr. King an honorary Jew," Greenberg explained later. "What better way to honor the slain civil rights leader than to make him a Jew?" asked Greenberg.
Almost immediately, that explanation seemed to satisfy the critics. "Oh, that makes perfect sense," said Rev. Jesse Jackson. "At first," commented Jackson, "I'm thinking to myself, 'Coon?', does he have racist intent? But now, I get it, like you might call me Jessel Jacksonstein...okay in that case, all is forgiven."
Activist Al Sharpton responded quickly saying, "That no good f***ing...oh wait, did he say Jewnior, you mean Dr. King is an honorary Jew? Wow, what an amazing gesture."
ESPN later released a statement saying, "Great, did we get this all worked out? Can we go back to the way things were last Friday when the ratings were good and everyone still hated Don Imus?"
Imus could not be reached for comment but was seen muttering at a New Brunswick, NJ bus stop near the Rutgers University campus, "I swear I said, nappy headed JAPS."
Greenberg spent the day with fellow Jewniors celebrating MLK Day the old fashion way.
NEW LEXUS COMMERCIAL CLAIMS "WE'RE KIFFIN SAFE!"
Knoxville, TN -- Lexus of Knoxville took to the airwaves with an entirely new ad campaign which emphasizes safety over luxury.
Lexus of Knoxville released several new ads today claiming, "You didn't think you could afford a Lexus, think again...Lane Kiffin used to drive a Hyundai but ask Lane what he's driving now in Southern Cal?" Kiffin, who bolted Knoxville for California, cracked up a new, sweet Lexus and left the University with the damaged vehicle tab.
"We think the Lane Kiffin crash reinforces why you choose a Lexus over other car brands and truthfully, we're worth the over inflated price tag, or Lane Kiffin might be coaching the Deep Six Eleven," said Knoxville Lexus spokesman Blaine Hiffin.
Kiffin said from his new office in Los Angeles, "Christ I wanted to get out of Knoxville the very first day I was there, and shit, they had no talent and a ton of expectations, so a car crash was sure convenient...but fortunately for me, I was in a Lexus with side impact air bags and a 5 star crash rating and now, you assholes, I'm at Southern Cal where...whoa, you talk about cheating you can get away with? Thank you Lexus!"
Tennessee officials said they would not make the same mistake twice. "IF we knew Lane Kiffin like we know Lane Kiffin, he would have been driving a Chevy Cobalt AND we would have removed the seat belts," said the anonymous Director of Athletics.
New Vols coach Derek Dooley, who by the way when they heard his name most fans sighed, "Who the f*** is Derek Dooley?," received a 1994 Ford Taurus as his complimentary vehicle courtesy of Knoxville Shit Cars, Inc. "I'm happy with a Taurus," said Dooley, "and oh by the way, I'm Vince Dooley's son, godamnit!"
Dooley, inherited a 2002 Hyundai Accent with 132,873 on the odometer, said, "I'm ready to hit that recruiting trail!"
BILLS BREAK CHINESE BARRIER
Buffalo, NY -- The Buffalo Bills did yesterday what no other team in NFL history has done and that is to hire a Chinese head coach.
Chan Gai Lee was chosen by Bills' owner Ralph Wilson to try to bring the franchise back to Super Bowl contention. Gai Lee is the first Chinese head coach to break the so called "yellow barrier." Gai Lee, who had been successful as a coach and political activist in China, was thrilled and in his native Chinese said, "I hate shoveling snow but Buffalo is a good opportunity for me and my family."
Gai Lee coached the Shanghai Askites to three RBCS (Rice Bowl Championship Series) titles and also stared down Communist Party officials during the 1989 Tianamen Square uprising. "Gai Lee is the face of Chinese football," said longtime Chinese television analyst Troi Aak Min. "I think he's the perfect fit for what Buffalo is trying to do and that to get someone who can ignore Terrell Owens," he added.
Chinese football fans took to the streets of China yesterday in crazed celebration. "First, Yao Ming, now Chan Gai Lee? Happy, happy, happy ending," said one Chinese woman at the Tickle Me Elmo Massage Parlor. One Chinese restaurant was even offering "Coach Gai Lee Chicken" with rice and an eggroll for $7.49 US.
NFL commissioner Roger Goodell said, "The NFL has been at the forefront of every major social change in the history of the United States, pass the duck sauce." The 89-year old Wilson said, "Chinese food makes me gassy."
Gai Lee said he looked up to that other famous Buffalo coach Mar Lee Vee.
ANNOUNCER FLUB CAUSES MASSIVE LOGISTICAL ISSUE
San Diego, CA -- CBS announcer Jim Nantz accidentally created one of the most massive relief effort nightmares in recent history when he asked people during Sunday's game to "remember the poor people of Hayshu."
Nantz asked people to send money for earthquake relief and though the response was huge, he accidentally sent relief efforts in a confusing direction. "Once we heard that Hayshu had an earthquake, we started asking ourselves, 'where the f*** is Hayshu?'" said one UN relief worker. Finally, UN workers located the tiny island of Hayshu which sits in the South Pacific somewhere between Micronesia and Macroeconomics.
Immediately, UN workers routed over 278,000 cases of bottled water to Hayshu, only to find out moments later they had landed on the wrong island. "We unload a quarter of a million cases of water and then we have to put it back on planes and fly to Haiti?" asked one worker, "well thanks a lot Jim Nantz, you moron!"
Nantz defended his gaff yesterday saying, "Well you know the Hayshu people deserve our concern too! AND the Hayshus send a lot of great players to the NFL" (citing the recent influx of Hayshu draft picks).
All's well the ends well, once wrote Shakespeare, and at the end of the day, there has been an impressive global response to the Haitian crisis but sadly for San Diego fans, Norv Turner got a three year contract extension.
Good luck finding Hayshu but if you do, Jet Blue flies there for $99 round trip.
TIGER SEDUCED BUSBOY?
New York, NY -- A spurned NYC busboy came forward yesterday and told reporters that he had several clandestine sexual encounters with troubled golfer Tiger Woods.
Digham Hardy, a 28-year-old busboy in a Manhattan restaurant said that Woods pursued him on and off for about two years and that "I want some money." Hardy also said that he also has proof that the affair was real and then showed reporters a special ball mark repair tool that Woods gave him with the engraved inscription, "Be considerate of other golfers, always repair your ball mark, it's just good golf etiquette, Love Tiger."
Hardy said that when he first met Woods, "I would never fix ball marks or replace divots but he convinced me that if I was to reach my full potential as a person, then I should really pay attention the overall condition of a golf course."
The Hardy revelation now brings the Woods extra marital total to 58,762 which ranks him third on the all-time "score sheet" behind Wilt Chamberlain and Warren Beatty. Beatty, though not a professional athlete but an actor, made the list because he did quarterback his high school football team, and scored with every leading lady from Joan Collins to Madonna.
Woods chuckled and said, "Madonna? She told me I was her first!" Woods' wife Elin could not be reached for comment because she is currently hiding out on an island in Sweden. It was very cold and snowy in Sweden yesterday and no one tried to reach her. But it is believed if she was reached she would have said, "I always thought he was gay."
Tiger (r) posing right before a haircut with Digham.
PHOTO OF THE YESTERDAY
OK, we get the 'red'...we get the mask...we get the gloves...but what's going on with the nipples?
